Derpy's Got it in the Bag

by Wand3r3r3

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Derpy Hooves
Length: 3291

Literally...

Literally

Derpy's got it made this year, and she feels good. She's not-quite-Hell-bent-but-pretty-darn-determined to be the scariest whatever the heck she is, in all of modern Nightmare Night history.

But though, in her mind, she believes that she's a harmless kid at heart, who's just making her once-a-year route, the events that unfold more than blatantly prove otherwise.

Published 2013-09-30 02:30:15 UTC
Last updated 2013-09-30 02:30:15 UTC

Derpy's Got it in the Bag

Derpy's Got it in the Bag

Yo.

Nightmare Night comes only once a year. It's the time when all the children in Equestria--especially those in Ponyville--get to express their inner demon, witch or wizard, mummy or zombie, werewolf or timberwolf, vampire or recluse, tablecloth sheet, paper bag, murderous psychopathic schizophrenic bipolar, hyperactive attention-deficit guy with a polka-dot football mask...

Yeah, you get it.

    It was more or less the only time of the year when they would have an excuse for hoarding sweets.

Take, for example, Pinkie Pie-

    Every single Nightmare Night (and I mean, every single Nightmare Night), she would be the ringleader of all the little monsters, eyes on the same prize as them; the candy. Well, last year, she ate too much of it in one sitting... And well, she did it to herself. She spent hours in the restroom.

Those Air Heads really were out of control. Jeez.

    Anyway, this year would be different. This year would be one mare's time to shine.

Derpy thought it all out. She figured out what she would dress up as, what she would do, what she would say, and most of all, her goal to have the most treats at the end of the night. She cackled evilly as she looked at herself in Rarity's sewing room (every room in the boutique was a sewing room according to the fashionista) mirror, garbed in her costume. She imitated a random kid, one who would probably ask her of her choice of cosplay. Then, she stood on her hind legs--this costume set-up required she always be on her hind legs--and she extended her forelegs in front of her, shattering the mirror she looked at. She stood still in the position, smiling under her guise.

    Derpy's simple costume, as they all were, was an oversized purple pillowcase that she wore, draped over her head. It was held on her face with a pair of thick-framed, lengthy oval-shaped black glasses with the lenses popped out.

That was it. No surprise, really.

Oh, weren't you?

Derpy was blatantly giggling under her hood when Rarity walked in to assess the damage she anticipated...again.

    "Oh, not another one!" she whined. "Dear, surely you can't expect anypony to be... fooled or..." She cleared her throat. "You certainly can't expect to be comfortable wearing that over your head."

    Rarity's shop, Carousel Boutique would normally be open to trick-or-treaters (SweetieBelle would need to stay behind and deal with them, normally), but this year, Rarity missed the deadline for a contest she had been thrust into. She decided to pass on the night's events and use the inspiration in the air to complete her project, kept very tightly under wraps.

    When Rarity approached Derpy from behind, the hooded mare stumbled around on her hind legs and struck the pose; forelegs extended forward and glasses fixed on her target. Rarity jumped back, and Derpy kept her position frozen, but underneath, she had the goofiest face ever.

    "Uhm... But you can definitely weird everypony like that! Eh...heh." Rarity backed of, eyes on Derpy as the mare in costume kept her position until she stopped, next to the entrance to the room she originally came out of. "Ahem... Go...get 'em?" Derpy finally let up and saluted her with her right leg, then Rarity quickly hopped into the room to the left.

    She looked out the nearest window and saw how the trick-or-treaters were already on the move. She kicked another pillowcase near the broken glass in front of her--the one she planned to use to contain her treats--and stumbled toward, and out the front door of the boutique. She felt the cool evening air on her exposed lower body and followed the group of children to their first stop of the night.

"NIGHTMARE NIGHT!

WHAT A FRIGHT!

GIVE US SOMETHING SWEET TO BITE!"

    A choir of young, high-pitched voices seemed to be the magic words to open the door to the Library. Twilight Sparkle answered, having to pass on the celebration to study up on the history of Nightmare Night. (Why she wasn't already aware, we will never know).

    "Oh! My! I must say I wasn't expecting guests this early...especially after the whole fiasco Pinkie orchestrated last year..." She spoke to herself, thinking back but only for a moment, as she reached for a bucket of wrapped candy with her magic on a desk near the door. She distributed it's contents equally to all her visitors. "Four for you, and four for you!" The line to Twilight was long, and Derpy was at the very back of it.

    "Oh, excellent costumes, all of you!" An orange filly cosplaying as a Cockatrice piqued her interest in commenting.

Now it was Derpy's chance; the others had moved on to the next house. She walked up to her and stared at Twilight through her lensless glasses.

    "Uhh..." Twilight winced and cocked a curious brow. "Interesting choice of creature, though I've never seen it before. What are you supposed to be, if I may ask?"

    Derpy immediately engaged in her routine and threw her forelegs at her, this time holding her empty bag with them."Some kind of undead, brain-munching biped?" Derpy thrust the bag toward her again.

    "Aaaahh... Derpy?" Derpy did it once again. Twilight's muzzle was scrunched back as the stretched fabric pushed it. "Aahh, you know what? Take the whole thing. You've earned it, yep! You sure scared me, heh-heh!" Twilight levitated the bucket of candy to Derpy's bag, and the masked mare let go of her empty linen to grab the bucket and stuff it into it. Then, she let go of the bag entirely and struck the familiar pose, making Twilight shed a sliver of a comedic smile. Derpy retrieved her reapings and stumbled off afterwards. Twilight shut the door immediately after.

    "...Well then." She sighed and noticed a piece of candy on the floor. She picked it up and unwrapped it, both with her magic, and ate it. "That was some offering, I guess. If she was fending off evil spirits with that, then I'll be able to sleep peacefully tonight. No more late-night fan-fictions about the haunted library." Twilight cracked a smile, then erupted into a fit of laughter and began rolling on the polished wooden floor.

Derpy made her way around Ponyville, keeping up her act and getting reluctant compliments (and even better, robbing every house of sweets). She didn't know where the group of kids went, but she didn't have to worry about them not getting any candy; they had already been to every house that she would visit that night.

    The time came to visit Fluttershy's cottage. Her property wasn't at all decorated for the celebration, but then again, this is Fluttershy we're talking about here.

Derpy walked up to the front door of the building, and on the risen pedestal laid an orange bucket of candy with a white note taped to its visible Jack-O-Lantern toothy smile.

Take as much as you want, just don't hurt me! Well, I know you wouldn't do that, you're all adorable little kids in cute, mostly scary costumes. You know, I'm the world champ at making cutesy costumes for Nightmare Night! Or, actually not, but I bet I could be! Oh, but wait, Rarity's the one you'd want to go for that..."

    The note went on and on, even to its backside, but either way, the children who had been at her doorstep previously had taken only one or two pieces of candy each, as trustworthy as they were.

    Derpy, on the other hand, stood there; a wicked smile creepily lurking on her face as the concept of 'all for one' enticed her. She knew in her heart, though, that she shouldn't. She just couldn't do it.

    She stood in place for roughly an hour, weighing her singular options, until finally, she placed a hoof on her chin and looked as if she had decided-

Well, she just went back to thinking about it for another hour or so.

    Ultimately, Derpy ended up reaching for the bucket, shoving it and it's contents inside her trick-or-treat pillowcase. A happy, contagious smile developed underneath her cover, then she turned around and skipped off, swinging her reapings along with her movements.

    Fluttershy just happened to peek out from her boarded-up window in time to see the purple ghost (at first glance) retreating. She whined in fear and slowly crept back down to safety.

Derpy's next stop was Sugarcube Corner, but she noticed something upon coming up to the property.Not only were their business lights off, but the whole town was dark; no lights were on at all except the streetlights above the town. Derpy really spent a lot if time back there at Fluttershy's place. Nevertheless, she barraged the front door with thumps of her hooves. Ten of them, to tell the story straight.

    It was a very slow process, but the lights inside opened up, one by one, and the door opened with appropriate suspense.

    Derpy was now accustomed to looking down on ponies due to her bipedal position, but she had to look way down at the 'Welcome!' mat to see little Pound Cake, who opened the door in-flight and greeted Derpy with a briefly strange, but jovial look. Pumpkin Cake followed behind her sister, lifting herself up with her incredible magical ability and looked at Pound. She giggled at her, then they both looked back at Derpy, who presented them with her bag of candy, expecting them to make a donation. But instead, Pumpkin levitated a piece of candy into hers and Pound's mouth, who ate their pieces (wrappings included) simultaneously.

    Then, unexpectedly, an adult voice emanated from the interior.

    "Ah...hello?"

    It was Mr. Cake. His voice was groggy and his mane was a mess. Derpy had woken him up. "A trick-or-Treater?" he continued. "Heh, it's two in the morning. Is this your first time out or something?" Again, Derpy thrust the bag forward and expected a donation, only this time at the adult. "Sorry," he finally said. "We're all out. Everyone always comes here first-"

"Every. Single. Year."

    Derpy put a hoof on her chin and thought, then immediately plucked Pumpkin Cake from the air and put her in her bag.

    "H-Hey!" shouted Mr. Cake. "What are you doing?!" His reflexes were dull, as he had been interrupted from his sleep. He didn't act fast enough to catch Derpy taking little Pound as well. She quickly struck the trademark pose and sloppily ran off. Mr. Cake was then joined by his wife, who was just as disorientated as her husband. He explained the situation and they darted off after her.

This is where you go to YouTube and search 'Benny Hill Chase Theme'.

Do it, foo.

Derpy ran from house to house, waking everypony from their well-deserved slumber and taking various things from them. None of them were prepared for a midnight candy heist, let alone a chase, but that's what they all ended up doing when they didn't have any candy to give to Derpy.

    From Berry Punch, she had taken a thirty-two pack of Hub Light. From the Quills and Sofas dude, she had taken a quill, signed a sofa with an illegible signature, then nabbed a recliner-chair and ran off. Diamond Tiara bribed Derpy to just go the hell away (they were 'too cool' for Nightmare Night), but the mare struck the pose and swiped the tiara off the filly's head, Silver Spoon following her angry lead just as she always did.

    She took some personal textbooks from Cheerilee, an experimental, makeshift glove from Lyra, as well as a pile of apples from Bon Bon (she swore she never put them in her bag anyway). She freaked out Cranky Doodle Donkey and took his wig (or whatever you want to call it). She robbed the three Flower Ponies of their shop's outdoor foliage. She spilled Mayor Mare's Touch of Gray hair applicant and ran of with another. She dragged off a turntable from Vinyl Scratch. From Carrot Top, she snagged an unfinished crossword puzzle with a few letters written in a single box. From Minuete, she pulled a foamy toothbrush right out of her mouth.

    She took a big, round hunk of Swiss cheese from Flufflepuff, who literally rolled outside to join the chase. At one point she came across a certain redheaded mare and threw her the four bits she had gotten from Diamond Tiara, who blinked only twice before she headed back into her nearby shop. She even stopped by Zecora's place and stole a plush figure that, in every sense, resembled Rarity.

    Then finally, she stopped by the Cutie Mark Crusader Clubhouse, where Scootaloo took to call a shelter. She was awake and in the middle of a staring contest with a chicken when she heard a knock on the door.

    "Who is it?" she called. Derpy immediately pushed the door open and walked toward the two. One look from the chicken and it laid an egg, that of which, Derpy took in addition to the chicken. Derpy posed at Scootaloo and hopped out the window facing Sweet Apple Acres.

   "Well that was...weird," the little pegasus murmured. "At least I don't lay eggs! HA!"

Ah'm awfully sorry sugarcube, but Daylight Savings already passed a while ago. We weren't expectin' Trick-er-Treatin' at four in the mornin'." Derpy insisted an offering as she thrust the bag forward, it's weight flying and kicking AppleJack in the knees. The hard-working mare knelt down to her joints in resonse and overheard the Cake children laughing it up at the bottom of the bag.

    "Am I hearin' things?" She shook her head vigorously and pointed at the bag's opening. "What all do ya have in there?"

    "Ooohh, AppleJack, who's at the door?" called Granny Smith from the back of the room.

    "Hey, Granny!" AppleJack yelled back, as the whole family was now awake. "Get over here 'n look at this getup!" She then turned to Derpy again. "No offense, sugarcube, but yer costume's just priceless."

    She turned back to the elder, who was slowly advancing to the door.

    "You should'a woke me up five hours from now. You know I've got to be at AppleBloom's school at Noon. Why, Nightmare Night was only last week, right? What do ya think someone would be needin' at this-" Granny Smith came to AppleJack's side and focused her delayed sight at their guest.

    "It's great, right?"

    Granny Smith froze in place; Derpy had her scared poopless. And when the cloaked mare stuck her pose, the elder's false teeth slurred out of her mouth and flew up as she backed away and (took her dear sweet time) retreated. Her teeth fell straight into Derpy's bag, and the new owner extended her forelegs at AppleJack, striking the pose. Then, she closed the bag and threw it over her shoulder.

    "...Yer gonna give those back, arent'cha?"

    Derpy objected with a nod to both her left and right and ran to the side of the Acres' living complex, where the cheesily appropriate music somehow faded out as she took flight toward a certain Rainbow-maned friend of hers. However, her wings had difficulty carrying the mare and the ton of baggage she was carrying herself.

    When Derpy began to fall along with her treasures, she held the bag closed, but Pound Cake kept the adult and the incongruously stuffed pillowcase afloat as she flew to the top of the bag, not even breaking a sweat. Pumpkin Cake also helped with her extremely strong magial prowess. Derpy was pleased to see her ascension continue, and she rose further up into the sky.

    The chicken she had taken earlier had laid another egg, and it was the only thing that escaped Derpy's Trick-or-Treat bag.

    Then another one dropped.

    And then another.

    And another.

And another.

    All of the eggs fell straight down with the speed of missiles, hitting members of Derpy's angry mob below. AppleBloom witnessed the scene just as Pumpkin Cake magically poofed at the top of the overly inflated bag.

    "Huh," she wondered. "So babies really do come from storks..."

Granny Smith's teeth began to chatter for some reason or another, and it was loud enough to act as Rainbow Dash's alarm clock. She woke up groggy, on a peculiar cloud in a not-so peculiar place in the sky, but she instantly cracked up when she laid eyes on Derpy and her situation.

    "Oh, who else but Derpy could have the whole town after her in such a mess?" she joked. "Do ya got my alarm clock in there, Santa?"

    The device was actually at the bottom of the cloud she stood on, entangled in...air. When she moved around and stretched her legs, it became loose and fell straight at Pumpkin Cake, who poofed to the side and held herself airborne magically. Pumpkin Cake broke through the fabric at the top of Derpy's bag and flew straight up, moving to the side as the device fell straight into the bag.

    Rainbow Dash awaited a joke of an answer from Derpy and the children as she watched them ascend, but then they suddenly began to fall downwards. Derpy grabbed hold of the cloud and plucked it straight down with her, putting a fraction of it one her face like a mustache. Pumpkin stayed still in the air for a while, giggling at Rainbow Dash's astoundingly goofy face, as she was forced to keep herself up with her wings.

    "Whoa!" Rainbow Dash grabbed the child and covered her as she sped down toward the encumbered Pegasus.

Derpy and Rainbow Dash crashed onto the roof of Carousel Boutique and broke through with no trouble. The multi-colored Pegasus ended up at the bottom of the rubble, the Cake children stared in awe at Derpy's reapings spilled all across the floor.

Rarity, flabbergasted as she was, screamed in absolute terror.

    "AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!" Derpy shook her head and revealed her sweaty face as her pillowcase mask flew off and onto Rarity's; glasses too.

Then, SweetieBelle entered the room and screamed in absolute surprise.

    "AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!" She then attacked the enormous pool of candy that Derpy had spilled, as did the Cakes'. Then, she spotted a group of ponies at the front door through the window. "Rarity! There's Trick-or-Treaters at the door! And... holy crud, there's a bunch of them!"

    "Uuugh, can't you tend to them, dear??"

    "Nope!" SweetieBelle dove straight down into the mountain of sweets. Derpy followed happily after she did.

    "Oh my... Ugh, I might as well..."

Frustrated at her restraint from rest all night, she didn't think to take off the costume that Derpy had thrown at her. The cross-eyed mare was sure glad she found a hiding place; deep within the mountain of candy.

    "CANDY MOUNTAIN!" Sweetie screamed, for all the world to hear.

    Once Rarity opened the door, she was met with about fifty different faces, not counting all the little ones'. They were all glaring at her and the costume they had so swiftly grown to hate.

    "Aaah, what is it...friends?"

"You're doomed."

    Big Macintosh, at the front if the pack, grabbed a loose end of the purple sheet and took Rarity along with it. Then, they all carried her off to the distance. Since the mob was comprised of the entire town's residents (and Zecora), no one paid heed to her whines, her complaints, or her screams of bloody murder.

Inside the Boutique, SweetieBelle asked of Derpy, after both of them had popped up from the sweet surface.

    "What were you for Nightmare Night-" She dove back under once again, chewing peanut butter toffee. "-to get all of THIS?"

Derpy dimwittetly shrugged.