The Magical Equestrian Transport Button
Pinkie Pie was like, “WHOOAAAAA.”
And Rainbow Dash was like “Yeaaaah!”
And Rarity was like, “Oh, dear me!”
And Twilight was like, “You’ve gotta be kidding me.”
And Fluttershy was like: Cricket… Cricket… Cricket.
Oh yeah, Fluttershy wasn’t here. That’s kind of important. But whatever. We’ll get there. Eventually.
* * *
I had like… been magically transported to Equestria through a magic, Equestria transport button that I found inside my jeans while washing them last night.
“THAT’S AN OVERUSED PLOT DEVI--”
Shut up, no it’s not. I’m a genius.
Anyway, so I was just minding my own business in my room, pulling all the empty cocaine bags out of my jeans pockets, and this little black box fell out and onto the porcelain tiles beneath. At first I thought, “Oh shit, I guess I that explains the altimeter in my closet.” But then I picked it up, and I noticed it had a crease of some kind.
I walked away from the hamper and fell onto my futon. Straightening myself up on the edge, my immediate thought was that I hadn’t been leaving enough food out lately. I mean, I have like 400 pet cockroaches under my bed; those guys eat a lot of food. I guess there’s some serious Darwinism going on in here right now though, because there was one in my bed the other day that was the size of a football. Maybe some of them will generate super strength that I can use to lift bodies into the garbage can. They’re sure taking up a lot of space in my closet.
Anyway, I picked up my e-cig and started puffing on it, bit by bit. I started blowing smoke rings in the air, and my first thought was, “Whoa, I’m just like Spike!” Then I cried because I’ll never actually be a dragon. I mean, have you seen those fuckers? They’re like tanks with built-in penises. And hands, too, I guess, and fire breath, but the first thing is the most important. Haha, thing. That’s timely. Anyway…
Back to the box. So it kind of looked like one of those boxes you keep a diamond engagement ring in, except a lot bigger and without the money-wasting or slavery involved. So I thrust a finger into the crease, gently, oh so gently, until it left out a soft, sensuous creak before flipping open.
Inside, there was this HUGE red button. It was like the button that the president uses to launch a nuke in all those movies, only the person holding it was only half retarded. Attached to it was a note:
If you press this button, you’ll receive one million dollars, but someone, somewhere, will die.
And I was like, “SHIT! This is the greatest weapon of all time! I could sell this for WAY more than a million dollars!
But then I looked further down the note:
Wait, you were actually considering that, you sick bastard? You’re a despicable human being. You should go cry in a corner.
It’s… whatever, I already did that while masturbating. But then there was one more thing on the note:
This thing actually takes you to Equestria. But if you were honestly considering killing someone, I really don’t think Equestria is the place--
“Shut the hell up and take me to Equestria!” I bellowed. So I set the button down on the floor, took a deep breath, and fisted it as hard and as deep as I could. Or punched. Whichever term you want to use.
Next thing I knew, this opening opened up in front of me. It looked sort of like a giant asshole, so it was basically Todd Akin.
I took a deep breath and started running toward Todd Akin. When inside, my vision was like… whoa. It was sort of like that LSD trip I had last week, only without the melting walls or sensation of being pissed on. I was kind of happy about that; I get way too much of the latter in my normal life.
The tunnel itself was pretty comfortable. It was as wide as Sarah Palin’s mouth with only half as much shit tumbling out, so I got along pretty easily. After trekking for about three minutes, I saw a light in the distance.
I reached the end and made to step out without realizing that the ground was about three feet below me. I fell on my ass, which sort of reminds me of how my last joke ended up. After groaning for a few minutes and checking to make sure the bottle of anthrax in my pocket hadn’t shattered, I opened my eyes to find Twilight Sparkle standing over me.
“Who is the wide world of Equestria are you?” she demanded.
“Drunk, probably,” I said, rubbing a hand across my eyes. “Are we in the library?”
“Who are you? Twilight repeated with a glare. “You don’t have a horn, but you managed to teleport here. Are you from some other town?”
I summoned all my strength and leaned into a sitting position. “In the same way that Obama is from Kenya, yeah.”
Before I had a chance to collect my bearings, a crash behind me indicated that the door had burst open.
“Twilight!” Rainbow Dash said, soaring through the front door and right over me. “What in the hay happened? We heard a bunch of yelling and crashing!”
“I say, darling, if you tried that ‘Slew of Stallions’ spell again, we’re going to have some serious issues to discuss. If you can’t get a man, there’s no reason to--”
Rainbow Dash and Rarity turned in unison to face me.
“What is this?” Rainbow asked. “Your new pet?”
“And why in heaven does it have worms on its hooves?”
“Twilight, I thought we said no more experimental creatures!”
“This sort of thing is a recipe for disaster. The last time you summoned something to ‘help us,’ I couldn’t sit down for a week. And the rugburn was another matter entirely...”
“Is this some kind of payback for spying on you in the shower last week?”
“...couldn’t get my fur to smell right for a week, and--”
“Shut the hell up!” I screamed into the throng.
The room fell dead silent, almost as if Dane Cook was doing a comedy routine.
“It… it can talk?” Rarity asked breathlessly.
“Yes,” I told her, stumbling to my feet, “I can, and I have a name. I’m Josh.”
Twilight and Rarity eyed me in absolute bafflement, while Rainbow Dash grinned and nodded her head a few times.
“I get it,” Rainbow said. “You know, you got Twi, Pinkie and I pretty hammered with your last little stunt.”
“Oh yeah. Something about cocaine in a bottle of cider or something?”
“What is it with you and drugs?” Rainbow asked.
“Ask me later,” I replied with a shrug. “I can’t think straight when I’m on codeine.”
“Rainbow, what the hay is going on here?” Twilight demanded. “You know this thing?”
“He’s not a thing, Twi!” Rainbow said with a half smile. “He’s a person. Remember, we mentioned them once before? And yeah, I know him. He was the one who made us drink all that cider that one time.”
Rarity reared her head back. “You mean to say he was responsible for the time I found Pinkie Pie’s face buried in--”
“We don’t need to get into that!” Twilight broke in. She turned to face me and motioned toward a cluster of chairs near the staircase. “So,” she started as we walked, Rarity and Rainbow Dash in tow, “you’re magical then?”
I waved a hand aimlessly in the air. “I have no clue. I just write stuff. Whether it actually happens to you guys was kind of a mystery until now.”
“Write?” Twilight’s ears pricked up. “You write? What do you write about?”
“Spiders and mental instability, mostly.” I took a sweeping look around the library. “Do computers even exist in Equestria? I could try to figure out whether I still have any powers here.
The three of them cocked their heads in unison.
“What in the world is a computer?” Twilight asked.
“90% porn, 10% productivity,” I answered.
Before I had to go into the embarrassing process of explaining what “productivity” meant, there was a second knock on the door.
“Twilight?” I heard a shrill, bubbly voice call. “Are you doing that ‘special Saturday night thing’ without me again?”
My eyes widened. “Pinkie.” I spun 180 degrees and rocketed toward the door. Laying my hand on the doorknob, I turned back to the others. “If there’s a computer somewhere here in Equestria, she’ll know where to find it.”
I swung the door wide to find a smiling, beaming, fucking annoying face staring back at me. My god, is that what she looks like on a regular basis?
“Josh!” she bellowed, rearing back and tackling me to the ground with one fluid motion. “You didn’t tell me you were coming!”
“I didn’t really plan on… wait, how the hell do you know who I am?” I demanded. “Rainbow couldn’t recognize me by face.”
“It’s the eyes! They just scream the name ‘Josh’.”
“It… whatever,” I said with a shake of my head. “I think I might have superpowers.”
“Oh…” Pinkie nodded, staring at a high, distance bookshelf toward the back of the library. “I thought I had those once. It turned out that Twilight had just been using her magic to tickle my--”
“Would you guys stop talking about me for five minutes?” Twilight pleaded. “And would everyone hold on for a minute? Rainbow, Pinkie, are you telling me you’ve known about him all this time?”
Pinkie nodded vigorously as Rainbow hunched back slightly.
“And neither of you thought it was a good idea to tell me, or Luna, or Celestia, that there was an omnipotent being with the power to control every aspect of our lives?”
Rainbow stared at the ground, idly shuffling her hooves.
Pinkie shrugged. “I didn’t really see it as a problem.”
“And why not?”
“Because I do the same thing to him!”
Twilight and I spun around to face each other. “Wait, what?” we asked in unison.
“Well of course, silly!” Pinkie giggled. “Why do you think your car got stolen a couple of months ago?”
I oozed back onto the floor like a jar of fine, top-notch semen from the sperm bank falling off the shelf. “You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.”
“Nope!” Pinkie chuckled. “It’s actually really fun! I thought the cider thing was really fun, so I wanted to give it a try too!”
Jesus Christ, she’s like Jerry from Sphere.
“Want to see how I do it?” Pinkie beamed at me, beckoning out the door and at the rest of the group.
“Yes.” I nodded slowly, rising to my feet again. “Yes I would.”
Author's Note
I have a seventeen inch penis.
