A man in the land of technicolor mini-horses

by twinn

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Adventure, Alternate Universe, Human
Length: 7836

An eccentric "genius" is transported to equestria for the adventure of a lifetime.

A non-brony Is thrust into a world of ponies and horse puns. How will he be able to deal all the crap that goes on? Whoever reads this is in for a ride. A terrible, mind numbing ride. There will be music references and other things that are made up as the story goes along.
Teen because of swearing, gore because of blood, and sex because of hints at it.
(Warning: Jokes in the first chapter are horrendous)

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-12-28 22:06:43 UTC

Chapter 1

Now

listen up

Here's a story.

About a poor guy who wakes up in Ponyville.

and all day and all night and everything he sees is just friendship and magic inside and outside.

He woke up in a house on the edge of a forest with a peg-a-sus, and her litt-le bun-ny friend.

He has wings and four hooves and no idea of what to do...what to do...what to do...

He's-

*gunshot*

Now that that that's over I welcome. This is going to be a story and from what you saw before, you can already tell that it's going to be a bad one.

Now, I have to start this thing before he gets up again.

.......................................................................................................................................................................................................

Bliss. That's the only way I can describe how I'm feeling right now. The feeling of being nicely wrapped in blankets, lying on a soft bed, and having sunlight rest gently on my face is euphoric. Wait a minute. Why is there sunlight hitting me? My bed nowhere near the window. I shift around in the bed.  My bed in that shit shack of an apartment is not even close to the softness I'm sinking into right now. Something is very wrong here.

During my miniature panic attack, the door slowly creaks open. My eyes snap open and stare towards the door. What I saw was surprising to say the least. 'Holy fucking mini-horse!' I screamed in my head. In the doorway was a Yellow mini-horse with gigantic blue eyes. It had a tray of foodstuffs on its.back.

"Oh good your awake," it said, though I'm guessing that it's a she because of its voice.

'Holy shit it talks!' Is what I wanted to say, but I stopped myself. 'come on man pull yourself together!' I told myself 'Remember what your pappy told you to do in situations like this!' This last part surprised me since I don't have a "pappy", but I decided to roll with it anyway.

'Step one: assess the possible threat.' I looked over to the yellow one. One closer inspection I noticed two wings on either side of her body. She was relatively small and looked a bit small. Overall, she had a look that made you want to run over and squeeze her until those huge eyes popped out. She was no threat, but I wasn't going to take any chances.

'Step B: take a good look at your surroundings.' For the first time since I woke up I did just that. I seemed to be in an old English cottage. I looked out of the window and saw a little chicken pen and a few animals running around. Behind it there was a forest.The place didn't seem too strange.

'And finally, step triangle: take a look at yourself' I put an arm in front of my face and nearly shit myself. I don't have hands. The bitch cut off my hands! I looked over to the pegasus thing who was now standing closer to the bed. She still had that look of pure kindness on her face. She couldn't have done anything wrong (Not yet anyway). I went back to staring at my stump and saw that it was covered in very dark blue fur. Under the fur there was a hoof. I looked under the covers and saw the rest of my body, Dark blue fur, wings on either side of my body and a black and white tail. There were a few scars here and there.

Okay, I'm not even going to worry about the 'being a mini-horse' thing, so now it's time for a game plan.Two things are possible here. 1: the yellow one may have saved me from getting killed by something in that forest, or 2: she's some psychopath who captured me and wants to feed me to the animals outside. I'm gonna go with the latter. With that in mind, I developed a cunning plan that took all of five seconds to make.

She put the tray on my lap. "I made you something to eat," she said. "I hope it's okay." There was a bowl of oatmeal and some tea. It was perfect for what I wanted to do. I looked dead in the eye with a small smile on my face, reached over to the tray, and then.....I WENT TABLE FLIPPIN' UP IN THIS BITCH!  (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻). Such a terrible joke.

While she was stunned I ran to the window. "See ya later Shitlord!" I shouted before throwing my self out the window. Half a second after something clicked. I just jumped out of a second story window expecting to fly directly into the sun, but there's something wrong with that. I don't know how to fly. "Oh shitshitshishitshi-"

slam

........................................................................................................................................................................................................

"Is he going to be alright doctor?" A familiar voice asked.

I opened my eyes slowly to see the yellow one and a brown horse with an hourglass on his ass. "I would like to know that as well," I said groggily. They both seemed startled by my input, but the stallion quickly recovered.

"You're going to be just fine," He said. "You can leave whenever you feel like it."

"Oh, that's nice. I have one question, though. How the hell did I get here?"

He pointed to the custard pony, "This little mare brought you over here."

"It was nothing, really." She murmured as she hid her face in her mane.

I judged this pony all wrong. She carried me to the hospital after I broke my face. Maybe she's not the cannibalistic psychopath I made her out to be.

"It was more than nothing," I said to her "You went and brought me hear after I threw hot oatmeal in your face and jumped out of your window. And as funny it was I shouldn't have done that."

She  blushed and hid her face again. "I forgive you for all of that. You were probably just scared after waking up in a strange place."

I chuckled,"You don't know the half of it. But still, I can't thank you enough. If you hadn't decided to help me out I would still be on the ground in front of your cottage, or worse still inside of the forest."

She looked at me. "What kind of pony would I be if I just left you in that dark, scary, forest?" She asked. "I-I mean, if anypony saw you they would have done the same."

"No the wouldn't," I said. "From what you told me about the forest, no one would want to go in there, meaning that I would still be there right now. And any other person would be fed up with me after I jumped out of the window. You've more than any person would and I don't even know your name."

"It's Fluttershy," she mumbled.

So her name is Fluttershy. She looks more like a Lisa or a Jennifer, but I guess these ponies wouldn't use human names. That means I have to think of something epic to call myself. Maybe Stealth Wing or Flare Blitz. Or how about Fred?

"My name is...," My voice trailed off. "You know what? I'll tell you when I think of one."

She stared for at me for a minute, but seemed to accept it.

"Thanks for everything, Doc." I got out of the bed and walked out of the room. I turned around and shouted,"You coming, Shy?"

I heard a small squeak. "W-wait what?"

"I need someone to show me around the place," I said calmly. "So, are you coming or not?"

"O-okay then." She walked up next to me and we walked out of the hospital. It's time for an adventure

Chapter 2

Outside of the hospital, the sun was shining brightly. It was sitting high in the sky with no clouds to obstruct it. I would say more, but does anyone care about a fucking weather report? Anyone? Anyone at all? No. Good. because there better things to think about. Things like, oh I don't know, How about "where the fuck am I?" or, "Why do ponies rule the world?" There are so many things that I need to figure out and so many things that I don't want to deal with. But, I am making progress. My former captor turned friend Fluttershy, has agreed to show me around town. Maybe I can get a few answers on this little tour.

"So Flutters, where do we go first?" I asked.

"Um, I thought that you would know where you wanted to go" She mumbled.

I shrugged. I don't know how I did it while I was on all fours, but I did it. "I don't know shit about this place, so I can't really tell you where we should go."

"Well, we can go see Pinkie at Sugar Cube Corner if you want."

After she finished her sentence I instinctively moved to the side. About half a second later a pink blob fell from the sky and landed right where I was standing. Fluttershy had flown into the air out of fright and was immediately tackled by the pinkness. After everything had settled it was clear that the pink blob was  actually another horse, Better than what it could have been, I guess.

The pink mare hopped off of Fluttershy and started bouncing in place. "Hi Flutters!" She exclaimed.

"Pinkie Pie...how did you get here?"

"Oh that's easy! The author wanted me to be here, so I came."

"Wha.." she started, but then she shook her head like it was a normal thing. It probably was a normal thing. A pink mare falling from the sky for no good reason could be like seeing a man walking his dog or some shit like that .

The Pinkie Pie spent a few minutes talking to Fluttershy about animals and cupcakes (or animals in cupcakes. I wasn't paying attention.) before her gaze fell on me. "Oooh! Your new!" She said. "I know everypony that lives in Ponyville, and I've never seen you before, so you must be new! What's your name new pony?"

A name. A name. I can't really use my real name, so I have to make one up. These ponies have names like Pinkie Pie, so mine has to be similar. "I'm...um, Night...Shade? Yeah Night Shade, I'm sticking with that."

"Ok then, nice to meet you Night Shade! Why are you with Fluttershy?"

"She agreed to giving me a tour of the place."

"Oooh! That sounds fun! Can I come along?"

"Sure, why not?" I say, "But there's one problem. We don't know where to start."

"We could go to the library." Fluttershy mumbles.

"That's a great idea Fluttershy! Onwards!" Pinkie declared as she hopped off in a random direction. Fluttershy and I followed soon after.

......................................................................................................................................................................

At some point during our walk to the library I had Pinkie Pie start beat-boxing. There was something that I just had to do.

"Okay in 3 2 1. ¿Dónde está la biblioteca?   Me llamo-"

"I know this one!" Pinkie blurts out. "Me llamo Pinkie Pie la araña discoteca.

Even though it should've been impossible for her to know it, I decided to keep it going, "Discoteca, muñeca, la biblioteca, es in bigote grande, perro,﻿ manteca"

"Manteca, bigote, gigante, pequeño cabeza es nieve, cerveza es -oh we're almost there!"

Finally. It was time to get some fucking answers. Maybe, even touch up on the no-no topics. I don't expect it to be much. I mean, how many books can there be if you can only use your hooves and mouths to hold pens. And it's just wishful thinking to think that they even have writing tools. These ponies probably just stick their hooves into jars of in and write in some horse god language that just happens to sound like English.

I got lost in thought for a bit and because of that, I got a face full of tree. Said tree turned out to be a tree house. Not like the one's that you see with those 'no girls allowed signs, but an actual tree house. Like the Keebler elf one. This was odd for two reasons. 1, who the fuck hollows out a tree. And 2, How the fuck does a horse hollow out a tree?

"Here we are," Pinkie announced. "Golden Oaks Library!"

"Alright let's get this started," I said as I pushed open the door. Before the door closed behind me I heard Pinkie talking to Fluttershy.

"We're not supposed to go in until the screaming starts," she said.

I didn't have to time to think about what she meant about screaming. There were more important things to do. First of all I had to gather basic knowledge about this place. There were more books than I ever thought there would be, so this was going to take a while.

I walked over to a random shelf and picked out a book. Well, not exactly picked. More like pawing at it with a hoof untill it fell over. I was surprised to see a title written in English. It was handwritten, but it wasn't the chicken scratch that I expected. "Daring Doo and the Emerald Chicken" it read. It was probably some Indiana Jones type adventure. Not what I'm looking for.

The next shelf was filled with extremely short books. The one I pulled out read, "How to know if your insane" I may need that one later, but I didn't have time for self help books right now. The next shelf could have some history books in it.

Another shelf shelf, another random book. This one was much thicker. "Absolute Pleasure" was written on the cover. There was also a picture of...Nonononono! I kicked the book away and went over to the next shelf. Hopefully whatever book I find next can erase that raunchy, furry...Nope! Not thinking about it!

I was just about to take out another book when I heard a voice behind me. "Can I help you?" it said.

I didn't even bother to turn around. "Maybe you can, maybe you can't," I said as I continued to look through the shelves.

"Well, if you tell me what your looking for I can probably find it."

I really didn't want this kid bothering me so I turned around. "Look, kid I-" I stopped and actually looked at what I was talking to. There was this Purple and green dinosaur type thing standing two feet away. Now, I have a bad history with a certain purple and green dinosaur that I don't want to get into. Let's just say that it was the worst birthday ever, and leave it at that.

"Woah! Back up you little Barney wanna-be!"

"Barney? Who's Barney?" The thing started to come up closer and received a book to the face. I don't even know how I threw it, but it landed where I wanted it to. "Oww! why would you do that?" It tried to step forward and got another book.

"I said back up, motherfucker!" By now I had a little pile of "ammunition" next to me. "Do I have to repeat myself?"

Dino-boy seemed to get the message because it ran up the stairs. I couldn't celebrate my mini victory, though. I had to make sure that I was prepared for when it returns. I began piling up stacks on stacks of books, ready to go on the defensive.

By the time he came back down, I had created a book fort that put the great wall of China to shame.

"Hey! Get out of there!" It cried. As it ran up to my wall it received another book to the face.

"Fuck off!" I shouted and went back to hiding behind the wall.

"Twilight!" It shouted. "Hurry up!"

"I'm coming, I'm coming!" A new voice shouted back. I knew it! The thing had gotten reinforcements. I had two books in my hooves and was ready to strike.

Moments later, a purple alicorn walked down the stairs. "Who did this!?" She shouted.

I poked my head out. "None of your fucking business!" I shouted and ducked back down.

"Spike, who is he?"

'I don't know but he can really throw!"

I poked my head out again. "Thank you very much, and fuck off!" Then I went back into the safety of my book fort.

At some point during all this mess, Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy walked in. "HIya Spike, Twilight! How's Night doing?"

"Pinkie," The alicorn sighed. "Why do you keep bringing weirdos here?"

"It wasn't me! Fluttershy found him!"

"That true Fluttershy?" Dino asked.

"Well, um  y-yes," Fluttershy stammered, "But he really is a nice pony! He's just a little scared, that's all. He acted like this at my cottage, too."

"Really? How did you get him to calm down?" The alicorn asked.

Oh, well...He kind of jumped out of a window and knocked himself out, but he was fine after that."

"Oh good! All we have to do is knock him out!" Dino-prick said. "Twilight, do your thing!"

Two books. Two targets. Direct hits. "Not going to happen, motherfuckers!"

"Alright, I've had enough of you!" The one that must be Twilight shouted. Her horn began to glow with some light purple aura.

The same purple aura surrounded me. There was a strange feeling of weightlessness. I looked down to see that my book fort was getting smaller. I couldn't feel my legs, but that was normal, right? Getting very, very dizzy. Aaaaaaand fade to black.

Chapter 3

'What's going on here!?'

'Sir! Systems have gone offline.'

'Alright, Damage report!'

'All vital systems are still intact, but we are still unable two activate the new ones, sir!'

'Good. Initiate startup sequence.'

'Hearing is now online!'

'So are the chemoreceptors!'

'Touch is operational!'

'Okay boys, let their be light!'

...............................................................................................................................................................................

"Wake up," a familiar voice whispered. I already knew that it was Fluttershy. She was lightly nudging me, trying to get me to open my eyes. As I was just about to wake up I heard another voice.

"Take a seat, Fluttershy! I got this," A voice that could only be Pinkie announced. Soon after a felt a hoof slap me accross the face. "Wake up!" She shouted. Fluttershy gasped somewhere in the background, but before she could say anything it happened again. "Wake up!" She repeated.

When I finally recovered from the shock of being pimp slapped, my eyes shot open to see her getting ready for another smack. I quickly put up a hoof and stopped hers from reaching my face. "Damn Pinkie!" I shouted, "Are you insane?" That last question was rhetorical.

"It worked didn't it?" She giggled.

"You really didn't need to do that Pinkie," Fluttershy mumbled.

"Don't worry about it 'shy," I sighed as I got up and brushed myself off. "And Pinkie," I said, glaring at her,"Soon." With that, I decided to take a little time to look around. To my displeasure, I'm still in the fucking tree house. It could be worse. I could be in Barney's rape dungeon (Don't ask) or something like that. I seem to be in a different room, possibly used for storage. Everything went a little foggy after I built my book fort. I hope I didn't do anything that stupid,

"Well, it looks like our little friend is awake," A new voice snarked, I looked over to the doorway to see a pissed purple alicorn standing there.

"It's good to see you too...Who are you again?" I ask.

"Really?" She deadpans. "You come to my house, trash my library, and assault me and Spike, but you don't even remember my name?"

When she puts it like that I feel a little guilty, but not really. I wasn't like with Fluttershy where I could remember everything, so it didn't bother me as much. "Look, Ms. purple pony," I began "I only remember building my book wall, but I'm sorry about anything that I did to you. Are we cool?"

She snorted. "We'll be cool after you apologize to Spi-"

"I've got pancakes!" the dino-fuck called out as he waddled into the room, holding two plates stacked with pancakes. I was about to jump back and find something to throw when I felt something hold me down. I looked down to see my hooves encased in a purple glow. I pulled as hard as I could but my legs wouldn't budge. Out of the corner of m eye I saw pinkie tackle the motherfucker, but that doesn't matter right now.

"What kind of witchcraft is this!?" I shouted. I looked over to the alicorn, saw her horn coated with the same purple glow and put two and two together. "You! How the hell are you doing this!?"

The purple pony prick (try saying that ten times fast) just stared at me. "You're kidding me," she deadpanned "You've never seen anypony do magic before?"

I burned out after she said that. Of course I've never seen a pony do magic before. Hell, the only time I've seen a pony before was at a petting zoo, and the one's I saw didn't have ass tattoos and extra appendages. But, these ponies obviously didn't know that, so I let out a shallow breath and said, "Bitch, I've never seen a pony before today."

She blinked. "You're serious?"

I felt a vein pop out of my forehead. "Do I look like I'm in a joking mood?" I asked.

"But you are a pony."

"Thank you for you words of wisdom," I snarked "I never noticed that before!" I quickly shut myself up. I had enough common sense to know that you are not supposed to piss off anyone that is holding you down. Everyone else is fair game.

"Hey, don't get smart with me!" She shouted.

"But your making it so damn easy!" I blurted out, but once again I remembered the position I was in.

"Are you calling me stupid?" She asked. I didn't respond, but that was still enough to set her off. "I'll have you know that I-"

"Twilight, Night Shade, both of you calm down!" Fluttershy shouted. "There isn't any reason to start arguing like this!"

I cringed at the sound of my name. I have to change that as soon as possible, but at the moment I had to use the scapegoat Fluttershy gave me "She's right," I said calmly, giving Fluttershy a grateful smile. I then turned back to the alicorn. "We both have questions that need answers and we sure as hell won't get any if  we're busy butting heads. So, how about I apologize to your dinosaur and then we set up a temporary truce?"

Twilight, I think that's what Fluttershy called her, seemed to calm down quite a bit "Okay then, truce," she said with a small smile. She released her magic grip on me and held out her hoof. I walked over to her and bumped it with my own. When I got close to her I saw that she was a few inches taller than me.

"Great!" she said. "Now you can apologize to Spike."

"Fine,"I sighed. I really didn't want to, but I was a man of my word. I looked around for him, but he wasn't in the room anymore. Pinkie seems to have disappeared with him. The only thing that showed that they were ever there were two plates covered in syrup."Alright," I began. "Anyone know where the dino and Pink-"

"You rang?" The pink mare asked, appearing right next to me. You would think that this would've surprised me, but it didn't. My mind was already full of so much fuck that a little more couldn't bother me. I didn't seem to phase Twilight in the least, either. Fluttershy on the hand, flew up a few feet before she was tackled to the ground once again.

"Speak of the devil and she shall appear," I muttered under my breath.

"Umm, Pinkie?" Fluttershy asked "Can you get off of me, please?"

Pinkie quickly jumped off of the pegasus. She chuckled nervously,"Sorry 'shy." She then turned to me. "Night Shade!" She shouted. Her next few words were a mess of syllables going at light speed.

At this I raised an eyebrow. "What?" I asked

Another spew of F.T.L. speed syllables was her reply.

I face-palmed, or face-hoofed if I wanted to be specific, and looked over at Fluttershy. "Shy, Translation?"

She fumbled around for a few seconds and said, "She was trying to tell you that there's food downstairs. Right, Pinkie?"

The mare in question nodded her approval enthusiastically.

"Well then," I sighed. "We should get down there before it gets cold, shouldn't we?"

Chapter 4

There was something wrong with this picture. The library was a complete wreck. Books had been knocked off of the shelves and were scattered across the floor. The door to the library had been blown off of its hinges. Fluttershy, Pinkie, and Twilight were all shouting, trying to be heard. There efforts were in vain because their voices combined to become an incomprehensible roar. Spike had stepped out of the kitchen for a fraction of a second and immediately ran back inside  Where was I in all of this? I was in the middle of a fist fight (Hoof fight?) with a rainbow-maned, cyan pegasus. We were both bruised, bloody, and high off of adrenaline. For lack of a better word, it was epic.

As epic as it was, there was still something wrong with this fight. It sure as hell wasn't the fact that I was fighting a girl, I could say that for sure. I had no problem with fighting a girl that could hold her own, and this mare certainly could. In fact, if I didn't know how to box I would be getting my ass handed to me. Besides, she was the one who started it, so fighting her wasn't the problem. Since this fight started, one question was running through my mind.

Why? That was something that I just couldn't wrap my head around. Why was I fight ting this mare? The obvious answer would be, "To defend myself, obviously." But why did I need to defend myself in the first place? Why was she even here? I was just minding my own business when this prismatic prick came out of nowhere. One moment I'm being poked and prodded like I'm an experiment by Twilight Sparkle, the next I'm being assaulted by this chromatic creep. There wasn't any way to anticipate it. All I got was a random shout out of Pinkie Pie and then WHAM! I get slammed into a bookshelf. Did I do anything weird to bring this on?

..................................................................................................................................................................

30 Minutes Ago

Pinkie was leading us down the stairs to the kitchen. I was actually feeling optimistic. I was going to get some answers and food all at the same time. What could possibly go wrong? Answer: everything.

When we got down to the kitchen we all sat down at the table waiting for spike to finish cooking. Pinkie was sitting next to Fluttershy and Twilight sat opposite of me. Twilight thought that this would be the perfect time to begin our little discussion. "Let's get down to business," She said. "Who are you?"

"In this place I'm Night Shade," I replied. "But I really want to change it to Midnight Sky," I looked over to Pinkie Pie, "Can I do that?"

"Sounds fine to me!" She exclaimed.

"Bitchin'," I murmured.

Twilight cleared her throat "So Night Shade-"

"Midnight," I corrected.

"Midnight," she continued "What do you mean 'in this place'?"

I sighed. "Didn't I say this before?" I sighed. "I'm not from here.I didn't even know that this place even existed until this morning." I heard my stomach growl. I had only then realized that my last good meal was around 24 hours ago. I lazily looked over to Fluttershy and Pinkie. They were both sharing a bag chips. Lucky pricks. "Where is the food that you promised?" I asked.

"Spike should be done soon," Fluttershy assured me.

"You want some chips?" Pinkie asked. She dug into her mane and pulled out 3 bags. "I have original, spicy and sour cream and onion."

"I'll take spicy." She threw the bag over to me and I promptly stuffed a few into my mouth. I nodded my thanks and stuffed a few more in. I have to say, any man who goes around calling these spicy is a dirty liar. Either that or he's just a light weight. Maybe I'm just good with the stuff. I was able to eat a whole jar of jalapenos plain. But that's no excuse for-.

"Midnight!" Twilight's voice cut off my train of thought "Did you hear anything that I just said?"

"I'm sorry," I apologized, though with the smirk on my face it didn't seem to sincere. "I would've been listening, but this bag of chips seemed much more interesting than anything that you would have to say." Since she wasn't doing any magic, I could finally have some fun with this mare.

"Ooh! Burn!" Pinkie shouted.

"Midnight!" Fluttershy scolded. "Why are you being so rude to Twilight?"

"Because I don't like her," I said very matter-of-factly. The look on her face made me rethink my statement. "Scratch that. I do like her, but it's fun to mess with people like her."

"Can you tone it down a bit? I-if that's alright with you."

I gave her a salute and turned my attention to Twilight. "So, what did you say?"

She rolled her eyes. "I asked if you expected me to believe anything that you have told me. About you not knowing a thing about this place."

I shrugged. "I really don't actually-" I popped another chip into my mouth. "-but it's the truth, whether you like it or not"

"Okay then,Let's pretend that I do believe you. How did you get to a place that doesn't exist?"

"Absolutely no idea. You are asking some really stupid questions, you know that right?"

She let out an exasperated sigh. "This is getting us nowhere!" A smile began to form on her face. "Good thing I have other ways of getting information." Her horn began to glow and I felt a slight pinching in my skull.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

'Reading your mind'

It was hard describe, but It felt like I could hear her in my head. I wonder if I could talk to her like that.

'Could you stop?'

'I will, I will, but only after I've seen what I what I want to see']

'I want you to stop now, but since you won't go on your own, I'll just have to force you out.'

'Oh? And how are you going to do that?'

'Like this' I began to think of the creepiest, most disgusting things that I had locked up in my mind, which forced Twilight to see them as well. I got the desired effect almost immediately.

"Ahh!" She screamed, falling back in her chair. "What was that? Why did it look like Spike?"

"You don't want to know" I told her. I absentmindedly began to pick at my teeth with my tongue. There were some annoying remnants from that bag of chips stuck in them.

"Ahh!" Twilight screamed once again.

"What is it now?" I groaned.

"Your teeth!"

"What about them?"

"They're sharp!"

I slid my tongue over the offending objects and pulled it back in out of shock. "Well look at that!" I remarked. "I still have canines!"

"What are you!?" Twilight asked.

"Finally, a smart question!" I announced giving her a golf clap(the best one i could do with hooves). "I am or at least I was a human. A bipedal mammal driven by curiosity revenge and stupidity. I'm sure that you saw a few when you were busy trying to mindfuck me."

"What? How?" She stuttered. "I need to run some tests." She picked me up in her magic and dragged me out of the room. I say dragged because you better believe that I was kicking and screaming the entire time. She then set me down in the center of the library and tightened her magic grip. Then, things got...physical. (Get that out of your minds you sick fucks). She proceeded to poke, prod and do other invasive things to me, stopping to jot down a few notes every ten seconds.

"How is this possible?" she mumbled. "You're a completely different species, yet you can use that new body perfectly!"

"Don't patronize me," I warned.

She probably didn't hear me because she went on without skipping a beat. "Your body is almost a perfect copy of a pony's, too! Can you use your wings?"

I chuckled. "Haven't figured out that part ye-Hey!" She had given herself permission to start examining my wings.

"Oooh!" I heard Pinkie exclaim. "It's about to go down!"

I looked over to her, bewildered. "What are you ta-" My words were cut short as a cyan blur barreled through the door and slammed me into an unsuspecting bookshelf.

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Present Time

So as you can see, I did absolutely nothing to irritate this mare. Or did I? It doesn't really matter. What does matter is the death match between me and this mare.  The fight had been going on for a good ten minuets and Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy had both joined spike in the kitchen. The fight was making its way outside and when we got past the shattered  doorway the chromatic creep managed to catch me by surprise. She had grabbed me by my shoulders and started flapping rapidly. The mare had us airborne in seconds and was continuing to rise at a dangerous pace.

When we had flown a great distance upwards, the voice of Twilight Sparkle burst through the heavens. "RAINBOW DASH!" She shouted, "GET DOWN HERE! NOW!"

The mare in question gulped and dropped me right above a nearby cloud. To my surprise, I didn't fall to my death. "Don't go anywhere!" She growled in my ear. It wasn't like I could anyway, being flightless and all. She began her descent and I watched her from the edge of the cloud.

Twilight smacked her the moment that she landed. "What is wrong with you!?" She shouted.

"What's wrong with me!?" Rainbow Dash parroted "I wasn't the one stroking a random stallion's wings!"

"I wasn't stroking his wings!" Twilight defended, blushing a little. "I was-"

"You kind of were," I shouted down from my cloud.

"Look at that!" Rainbow yelled. "He doesn't deny it, so why should you!?"

"Okay," Twilight relented "Maybe I was stroking his wings, but th-"

"Ha!" The cyan mare interrupted. "I knew it!" She the returned her attention to me. "Hey! Come down here and take your beating like a stallion!" Coming from the mare I've been fighting for ten minutes.

"You know, I would," I said calmly "But I can't."

She rose up to my height. "And why can't ya?" She asked. "Is it because you're scared?" Again, this is coming from the prismatic prick that couldn't beat me when I was daydreaming.

"It's because he can't fly, you idiot!" Twilight shouted up to us.

"Oh, you can't fly?" she asked with an extremely creepy smile. "Don't worry! I'll teach you how!" She exclaimed, her smile getting wider.

I looked her dead in the eyes "And how are you going to do that?" I asked.

"Like a bird," she replied. And the I fell.

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FLAP. FLAP FLAP.

Chapter 5

Last time on A.M.I.T.L.O.T.M.H:

flapflapflaplflaplflapflapflapflapflapflap

And now, the epic story continues!

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The immediate area was almost shrouded in perfect silence. Everything had slowed to a snail's pace. It was as calm in the eye of a tornado. The only noises that could permeate the peaceful atmosphere were the distant bird calls and the slow, steady beat of my wings as I flew through the air. Well, I can't say the steady beat of my wings. It was more like an erratic buzzing sound made by my panicked flapping. I can't say flying either, because it was more like falling with style. I can't even call it that, since Steve Buscemi had more style than I did right now.

My spectacle was experienced in several different ways. Twilight was just staring at me, catching bugs in her mouth, while Rainbow Dash was laughing her ass off from the cloud that I had been evicted from. I, on other hand, was wearing my try- hard face as I tried to crash as slowly as possible, since I already knew that trying to stay airborne was a lost cause. It wasn't completely terrible, though. I was using my wings, providing a show and preventing my death, all at the same time! If that doesn't deserve a cookie then I don't know what does.

Remember when I said that we were in the the calm of the storm? Well that grace period was just about to end. As I slowly made my way down, time began to resume. Dash's laughter was beginning to subside and the moment that my hooves touched the ground, Twilight exploded once again.

"What is wrong with you?" She shouted up to the cloud. "You could've killed him!"

Dash's anger came back full force. Jumping from her cloud perch, she shouted, "There's nothing wrong with me!-" She jabbed a hoof a Twilight's chest. "-You're the one who stroking him when I flew by!"

Twilight groaned. Her hoof then made contact with her face. "Dash," She had lowered her tone of voice, "I did touch his wings but there was nothing sexual about it."

And at that moment, everything clicked. There was a smirk, then a snicker, and then a full-on laugh.

"What's so funny, wise guy?" Rainbow Dash demanded.

"It's just ..Ha Ha....Did you think that..Ha...That I was macking on your girl?" I asked while trying to keep my laughter in check, though I was failing horribly.

"If macking means 'trying to get in bed with her' then yes," She responded, glaring at me.

I looked her straight in the eyes. The laughing had stopped, but I couldn't wipe the smirk off of my face. "Then you thought wrong," I said simply.

"What do you mean, I thought wrong?" She asked,closing the distance between us. The heat of her breath was suffocating.

"One, you better get the fuck out of my face," I growled, pushing her away. "And two, you're a fucking dumb ass."

"What did you just call me?"

"You know, a dumb ass," I began." As in an imbecile, a dingbat, a Twilight, a-"

"Hey!" The purple mare shouted.

"Shut up, Robin Sparkles," I scolded. "The adults are talking.." I pointed over to Rainbow Dash. "Though, this one is more like a child."

"Who're you calling a child, idiot?" The prismatic prick shouted.

"You just proved my point with that amazing comeback, dumb ass."  I was getting tired of this. It was time to actually use logic on her.

"Well, at least I'm not a-"

"Can I ask you a question?" I interrupted. The trap was set

"What?" She asked. She was sniffing the bait.

"Why the hell are we doing this?"

"Because you were fooling around with Twilight!" And now, the trap slams shut.

"So were fighting because you don't trust your girl, right?"

"I trust her!" She shouted

"Doesn't seem like it," I scoffed.

"How can you tell if a trust her or not?" She questioned.

Oh, this was going to be good. "Well," I started. "You break into her house, thinking that she's cheating on you,"

"She was stroking yo-,"

"You didn't just think that she was cheating on you," I continued. "You thought that she was cheating on you while her friends watched."

"W-well I..." She mumbled, stumbling over her words.

"Do you need some water?" I asked. "You did just swallow a large amount of salt." Her silence was my cue to finish it. "You two talk about your problems," I muttered. "I'm gonna go find 'Shy and Pinks." I turned my back on them and walked back into the library.

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When I walked into the tree house, I cringed. It was like the aftermath of a tornado in here! The door that the prismatic prick crashed  through was smashed to bits. The bookshelf that I was slammed into was cracked and dented. My back still hurt from the impact. This would take an extremely long time to repair, though twilight would probably just use some bullshit magic spell and have it done in a flash.

Remembering what was in here for, I called, "Pinkie! 'Shy! You can come out now!"

Fluttershy poked her head out of the kitchen doorway. "Is it over?" She asked.

"Yeah it's over," I responded. "Sparkles and Dash are talking about life or something."

"That's Great!" Pinkie exclaimed, jumping out form behind Fluttershy. "But we've gotta go, now!"

"Why?" I asked.

"We've got a schedule to keep," She answered. "So, let's go!"

"What about the food?"

"You can eat at sugar cube corner later, but we have to go somewhere now!" And with that she ran out of the tree. Fluttershy smiled at me and followed her out. At that moment I did the only could do.

I sighed. "Fuck," and trailed off behind them.

Chapter 6

Boutique. The french word for shop. A small shopping outlet that specializes in elite and fashionable items. Oh  I hate things like that. The people who own them, the people who shop in them, and the people who design what's sold in them all irritate me.

Now, there aren't that many types of people that I really hate. The only ones that I can think of are show-offs and followers. The whole mob mentality thing is what really pisses me off. Fashion is a really good example of that. One celebrity wears a dress and then everyone needs to have it. If a girl in a group doesn't wear a dress that doesn't match with the rest of them and she is shunned. A girl outside of a particular group wears something similar to them, and is ostracized. A man wearing red and blue is shot because of his resemblance to a rival gang. A type of shirt that has been around for years gets a horse logo stamped on it and do you know wha happens? The idiots wearing  the more expensive horse shirts insult the ones who wear the cheaper horseless shirts.

I've had to live around that for most of my life and you better believe that it annoyed the hell out of me. So, now that you know about how I feel about fashion, how do you think I reacted when I was confronted by a fashionista pony? Well, It went a little like this:

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Our little gang had just left the library, leaving the two lovebirds to clean up the mess. At first, I felt bad for a while, but then I remembered that Twilight was a know-it-all prick had magic, so I just smiled. I was a little miffed about not being to get something to eat when I was there, but two things came out of leaving early. One is that I didn't have to apologize to Spyro and two is that I don't have to stay around Robin Sparkles and Rainbow Dash. All in all, I was better off leaving.

After a few minutes of silence, or should I say a few minutes of Pinkie chattering, Fluttershy nodding, and me pretending to listen, I asked, "Pinkie, Where are we going?"

"To Rarity's place," she replied. "She's one of my bestest friends, and a tour of Ponyville wouldn't be complete without visiting the Carousel Boutique!"

The word "boutique" made my skin crawl. I didn't expect for there to ponies obsessed with clothing here. Hell, I didn't even expect for there to be clothes here! Last time I checked, ponies don't wear clothes. I looked over to Fluttershy and asked her about.

"Well," she started. "We don't always wear clothes, but we do for special occasions"

"The ponies in Canterlot wear suits and things all the time!" Pinkie added. Apparently, Canterlot was where all of the high class snobs more sophisticated ponies lived. Why this one lived here, I didn't know, nor did I care enough to ask.

Pinkie continued to talk about her friend, saying this like, "Fashion is her passion!" and, "Everypony wants a dress made by her!" Each word that came out of her mouth left a bitter taste in mine. I wanted to meet this mare less and less with every step. Fluttershy seemed to notice this.

"She's a very nice mare," she said. "One of he most generous ponies that I know."

"Really, now?" I asked. I found that hard to believe.

"Of course! She is the-"

"We're here!" Pinkie shouted. I looked up at the building in front of us. I have to say, the name fits it perfectly.

"Alright, let's get this done with," I sighed. I pushed open the door and the other two came in after me. A quick look around revealed that we were the only ponies in the room. I looked over to Pinkie Pie and asked, "Where is this friend of yours?"

As if on cue, a voice called out from a room upstairs. "Please, wait a moment!" A few seconds later, a white mare made her way down the staircase. "Welcome to the Carousel Boutique," she said, "Where everything is chic an magnifique."

"Jesus Christ," I muttered.

After she finished her little slogan, she looked over to us. 'Pinkie! Fluttershy! How nice to see you!" She gushed. Her gaze then focused on me. "And who might you be?"

"Midnight Sky," I answered.

"It' a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Sky," she drawled. "I am Ra-"

I cut her off. "Rarity, I know."

"We're giving Midnight a tour of Ponyville!" Pinkie exclaimed.

Rarity raised an eyebrow. "So you're new here?" she asked.

"I would think that it would be obvious," I replied. She didn't seem to catch the venom in my voice.

"If that's the case, then I should give you something," she said. "As a welcoming present."

"That isn't necessary," I told her.

"Nonsense, dear! I insist."

Well I don't want you have! "No, I can't just take something from you."

"Don't be so stubborn! I wouldn't feel right if I let you leave empty-hoofed"

Bitch, what part of  no don't you understand? "I'm sorry, but just can-,"

My words were falling on deaf ears because she was already leading me away with her magic. I struggled against her, but she had an iron grip. I cast a pitiful look over two the other two. Pinkie had a large grin on her face and Fluttershy had a small smile on hers.

At that moment, I realized one thing; I was doomed.