Two Background Ponies Go On An Adventure

by Piccolo Sky

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Adventure, Twilight Sparkle, Random
Length: 90226

Just two background ponies finally stepping out of the background and going on an adventure of their own...and that's it. Sam and Carl find themselves in a comedy/adventure of errors.

Just a story about two background ponies going through a series of life-threatening misunderstandings and mishaps that makes them wish they had just stayed in the background quietly eating their cookies...or is it?

After ranting and raving about the fallacies of their colorful utopia, Incarlsistency and Sam-Listens-To-Carl's-Problems, the "heroes" of the epic trilogy that started with "Two Background Ponies Eating Cookies", finally find themselves thrust into an adventure of their own. After both being canned from their mundane, background pony jobs on the same day, Sam and Carl hatch a desperate scheme to make the money necessary to pay for Sam's upcoming wedding and avoid the wrath of Sam's homicidal/disapproving future father-in-law. Unfortunately, things will quickly escalate out of control for the duo when they discover the darker side of their idealistic world.

Big cities...gangs...magic...princesses...shakes...this story has it all!

Published 2013-09-30 05:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-10-24 03:14:20 UTC

Chapter 1 - Two Background Ponies Between Jobs

“Two Background Ponies Go on an Adventure”

The sun crossed the distant peaks of the majestic mountains of Equestria, slowly lighting up the magnificent city of Canterlot. The rays of the sun began to streak over the city itself soon after, leaving the shadow of the hills and covering it with light. And as it did, everyone began to rise up to go about a new day.

Ponies got out to start picking up their papers. Others were already out for morning jogs or helping their foals get ready for school. The majority, however, were getting ready for work. The local shops were opening up. Window shutters were being pushed aside, owners were going out and sweeping their walks, and everything was getting set up for another day in the peaceful hamlet community. It was a day just like so many others, with everypony waking up happy, eager, refreshed, and ready to head out into the world.

…Almost everypony.

In one of the larger buildings in town, not nearly as nice or aesthetic as the other stand-alone houses, resided an apartment complex. And up in one apartment in particular, things were getting off to a rocky start.

The apartment wasn’t very well maintained. Definitely lower income. The walls were a bit old, stained, and with chipped paint. The ceiling showed a touch of water damage and the floors were worn. However, the apartment itself was the true mess. Bits of leftover snack wrappers, three days worth of meal dishes, and toys everywhere. Mixed in with it were a few other things that definitely belonged to older people, but the house was honestly a mess. At the moment, two foals were at the kitchen table, both of them having bowls of cereal but spending their time throwing the pieces of cereal at each other as they went about trying to egg each other into getting into a fight. There was a third one running in and out, with a mare chasing him around as she did so.

After a while, a green-colored stallion, hastily putting a workshirt on using nothing but his teeth, and with the cutie mark of a Find-the-Difference picture began to walk into the room.

“Farrah? Have you seen my-OW!”

He suddenly winced in pain, looking down to his hoof. He lifted it up, and saw that a small metal figurine toy of a wagon had gotten lodged there, and stuck so bad to the tender part of his foot that it adhered to it. Quickly, he gave it a few shakes to knock it loose and to the ground, before looking back up to the boys.

“Guys, come on!” He yelled. “I told you to pick up your toys, not leave them right in front of my door!”

“Piss off!” One of the kids yelled.

“Screw you!” The other shouted.

He frowned. “How many times have I told you not to use that language?” He shouted back as he walked further in.

The other colt ran by, making sure to stomp on the green stallion’s other foot as he did so, causing him to recoil in more pain and nearly give out some expletives of his own. The mare soon ran by after him.

“Don’t yell at my kids, Carl. You aren’t their father.” She stated as she went by.

He looked to her in disbelief. “What am I supposed to do when they swear, Farrah? They just insulted me to my face! "

"For Celestia's sake, Carl, you're supposed to be an adult... Besides, it’s your fault.” She simply said as she finally caught her third foal and began to wash his face. “You’re the one who always reads those things with bad language. I at least make sure they have some sort of wholesome atmosphere not filled with adult content...” She trailed off as she saw the kids at the table fighting.

“You two don’t knock it off, I’m going to knock the sh't out of both of you! You are pissing me off now!”

Carl rolled his eyes and groaned on hearing this. "Yeah, real foal-appropriate..." He grumbled as he limped along. He looked to the table. “Have you seen my name tag?”

“No.”

He looked to the kids. “How ‘bout you guys? Any of you seen Uncle Carl’s name tag?”

They ignored him and kept fighting with each other, one of them actually taking their bowl of cereal and throwing it at the other one…splashing milk and cereal all over him, the chair, and the floor. He groaned and continued to look for it.

“None of you moved it, did you?”

“Don’t blame the fact you can’t find your own name tag on them, Carl.” Farrah interjected as she kept cleaning.

“I told you all a hundred times not to touch my name tag.”

“I’ve told you a thousand times to keep it where they can’t get to it. Besides, Carl…you’re a quality control operator at a horseshoe plant. It’s not like anyone cares where you are in that factory.”

“Yeah…thanks a lot for validating my existence, Farrah…” Carl grumbled as he moved over to the coffee pot. “They want me to always wear my name tag to work. Work, you know? The thing that some of us do in order to make money and keep a place to live in? As opposed to sitting around their brother’s house for three months? Not even cleaning up after their own kids…?”

“Carl, I told you a dozen times already…” Farrah said with a sigh as she left her oldest alone and went back to making school lunches on part of the kitchen counter. Carl, on his part, began to look for a mug in the cabinet. “I don’t want to get a job in Ponyville when I’m just going to be moving back to my home in Gallopton and having to go back to work there.”

“Yeah…when exactly are you moving back, again? And how are you going to buy a house when you don’t have any money saved?”

“Carl! I told you I’ll head back when the insurance check comes! You don’t like it, call my insurance agent!”

“…You could call your insurance agent…” He muttered. “…I told the landlord I’d only have four other people living with me for a couple months. It’s been four.” He paused. “There’s no mugs up here.”

He moved to the sink next and looked at it…and soon froze. He turned back to her.

“Farrah, you didn’t do the dishes last night. I’ve got an entire sink full of dirty dishes.”

“I had to help No-Neck with his homework. It ran late.”

Carl felt like facehooving. “I am at work all day. You are here almost all day, every day. The one thing I asked you to do…”

“It was hard work! You think I want him to grow up to be a quality control operator like you?” Farrah answered as she began to put the lunches in bags. “Maybe if you’d stop nitpicking me and worry more about your own job you would have gotten that promotion.”

The green stallion sighed. “…You know what? Forget it. I hate caffeine anyway. I only wanted some coffee so I wouldn’t overload on one of Marble Creamery's Shakes before I went out for cookies with Sam this afternoon.”

The mare sighed. “That’s your problem, Sam. That’s why you are going absolutely nowhere in life. You’re still sitting around with that guy from high school eating cookies at least once a week. Most people would be looking to see if they could find a better job or look into starting their own business or at least getting a better apartment…but oh no, not Incarlsistency. He’s fine being stuck in this rat hole and looking at horseshoes forty hours a week for the rest of his natural life so long as he gets to sit around and eat cookies. Did you even consider coaching No-Neck’s soccer team when I said they were looking for someone? It’d be a chance to meet a mare at least. At this rate, you’re going to die alone, Carl.”

The green stallion frowned as he finally found his name tag and began to put it on. “Trust me, Farrah…the past few months have had one silver lining…and that has been to not be in the least bit afraid of dying without having children.”

As he moved around, No-Neck got his lunch from Farrah and moved to leave. Carl paused long enough to look at him as he passed by. “Hey…does your Uncle Carl get a kiss goodbye?”

The colt answered by passing him by and then lashing out with a rear hoof to nail Carl in the package. Immediately, his eyes went wide in agony as he let out a rush of air, grasped for his middle…and slowly tipped over and fell to the ground. The two younger boys began to laugh out loud at the whole thing while Farrah just kept making the other two lunches. Carl, on his part, had landed on another bunch of toys and so he was in even more pain.

“…I already said I would never have kids. You didn’t have to make sure I wouldn’t.” He groaned after a moment.

Across town, however, a better situation was playing out.

A blue-colored stallion was utilizing a brand new “Tie-dini” he had picked up at the local megamart in town to finish adjusting his own neckware in front of a mirror. After reworking it a few times, he finally had it just about right. He too was getting ready for work at the moment, but had already gotten up early enough to eat and wash, and had his own work saddlebags already organized and loaded near the door. Yet as he finished adjusting, he suddenly heard a knock on the door.

Quickly, he pulled the tie straight. “Just a second!”

His teeth quickly went out, snapped up a pair of reading glasses, and tossed them into the air just so he could get his head underneath them and let them fall on his face in the right position. Once in, he quickly walked over to the front door of his apartment. After doing so, his hoof went out and pressed down on the door latch, and then pulled it back to bring it open. The blue stallion looked out…and immediately blinked in pleasant surprise.

A young, lovely mare was standing on his front step, smiling at him. She was yellow colored with a slightly darker mane braided and put over one side of her neck, resting loosely across her body, with a happy, warm, and friendly look about her. She seemed to glow as she stood there, but especially her cutie mark, which was a pleasant sunbeam poking over a hillside.

The blue stallion soon gave her a smile. “Dawn! Hi!” He said in amazement as he walked out of the doorway slightly. He looked her over, soon noticing she had a small covered basket with her. “What are you doing here? I thought you worked today?”

“I do, but that doesn’t mean I couldn’t stop by to see you off first.” She answered with a grin as she leaned up and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “Today’s the big day for you, right?”

He smiled back. “You bet. The new promotion comes through today. I finally get to be a supervisor. An extra 25% a year.”

“Well, you deserve it. No one busts their butt more at that job than you. Besides, it’s great to hear an Equestrian voice instead of a Pachedermisti on one of those help lines, especially when they always ask you how the weather is in Filidelphia.”

He chuckled. “Yeah. They don’t even have to look that up. It’s always sunny.”

She turned her head down to her basket. “Anyway…Mr. Supervisor…” She said with a snicker. “I handled lunch for today. I know how much you love my buffalo chicken wraps.”

Sam nearly lit up. “…No way…you’re kidding! Aw, thanks!” He said as he looked down to it. “Man, I love those things! But I know it takes you forever to make them…”

“So what?” Dawn answered. “You’re worth it. I mean…how many other fiancés agree to pay for the wedding?”

“Hey, that’s only fair. I’m getting the big promotion and I’m not about to force your family to pay for it.” Sam maintained.

The mare’s expression turned to one of concern. “…Now, you’re sure about this, right? I mean, that’s a big financial commitment…”

“Don’t worry about it.” Sam answered, waving a hoof. “It’s something I’m more than happy to handle. It’s a big day for both of us.”

Dawn held a moment, but then smiled, leaned in close, and kissed him on the cheek again. “That’s why I’m the luckiest mare in Ponyville.” Leaning back, she looked back at him. “Now…you know you have to be at my apartment right after work, right?”

Sam gave a nod. “Yeah, I know.”

“You can’t be late. My dad can’t stand ponies who are late.”

“I’ll be there. No problem.”

“Alright, good.” She said with a bit of a sigh of relief. “I’ll tell you right now that dad was a bit…standoffish…when he heard about our engagement when he only met you in Hearth’s Warming Eve cards and letters. But I think hearing that you’re handling the wedding has made him warm up a bit. He sees you as someone really responsible. So…just be calm, and try to make a good impression, since we’re asking him to pretty much ‘go along with this’ now.”

The stallion nodded. “Of course. You know me.”

Dawn nodded, her smile fading a bit more.

“And…don’t mention Carl. He’s got a thing for guys with weird friends.”

Sam sighed. “Don’t worry…I know enough to not try to ruin any first impression with news about Carl.”

She grinned in response. “Great.” She looked to the sky. “Alright, gotta go. I’ll see you tonight. I get a kiss, right?”

The stallion snickered in response as he leaned in close and gave her a peck of his own. “Alright now, get going. Don’t want you getting in trouble for being late and saying it’s because you were dropping off my lunch. That makes us both look bad.”

Dawn giggled a bit, and then turned and began to trot down the road. Sam looked after her a moment, smiling widely with a daydreaming look in his eyes. After a while, however, he exhaled, leaned down, took up the basket, hooked it near his own saddlebags, and then went off as well, whistling: “Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah” as he went along.

Carl was more than happy to be out of the house. He was still rather sore from the “low blow” he had gotten from his nephew, but he tried not to think about it. After all, he had decided to deal with it using one of his favorite “pick-me-ups”. In fact, the thought of getting one before he went into work made him feel great. He actually managed to maintain a fairly good speed with his old, used, Hevvy model wagon from eleven years back. He had to, in truth. If he didn’t get there fast enough, he’d never make it to work afterward.

With a bit of growing enthusiasm, he turned a corner and began to go down the road, looking up ahead for the familiar sign he had seen hundreds of times before, of a miniature cow with wings serving up a bucket of fresh-made ice cream…

And immediately his face turned to shock.

The sign for “Marble Creamery” was still in the air, showing the iconic cow, but Carl only had a moment to register it before a beefy stallion pushing a bulldozer shovel head moved up to it and proceeded to knock it over. Surrounding the rest of the site were dozens of demolition ponies, and they had already torn down half of the chain restaurant.

Carl nearly let out a whining gasp before he quickly pulled himself up to it. “Stop! Stop! Stop!” He cried. “What are you doing?!”

Over the sounds of all of the demolition equipment, not many of the workers could hear him. It wasn’t until he was nearly upon the foreman on the side, and coming close to passing through the yellow and black barrier, that the stallion turned to him.

“Sir, I’m going to need you to stay back. This is a hard hat area only.” He stated as he pulled in close.

Carl stopped, but continued to stammer and gape. “How…? Why…? What…?” He shook his head. “What the Hell are you doing?!”

The foreman blinked, looked to the restaurant, and then back to him. “What does it look like we’re doing? We’re tearing down this building.”

“But…but this is ‘Marble Creamery’!”

The foreman simply looked back.

“Marble Creamery!” Carl echoed. “You know…’Marble Creamery’! Home of the tastiest milkshakes available on the fast food circuit! You can’t just ‘tear it down’!”

“Um…yes we can.” The foreman answered. “I don’t know if you’ve been paying attention or not, but ‘Marble Creamery’ took a dive on the market last quarter. They’re only going to be able to stay open on the West Coast. All the other franchises were sold. Didn’t you notice the ‘We’re Closing’ sign they put up a month ago?”

“I thought it was some sort of joke!” Carl retorted. “I thought it was a marketing ploy to get more people to come on! They couldn’t actually close something like that! It has better shakes than Sugarcube Corner!”

“Well…you should have bought more while it was still in business.” The foreman answered as he turned and went back to work.

“I came here every other day!!” Carl shouted back. But it was useless. The foreman was already going back to work. The green stallion stared for a moment longer, before mouthing a curse word and turning away, walking far more slowly and angrily to work.

The first half of Sam’s day went by rather well. As he slipped into his chair and began to get to work as an operator, he had a noticeable spring in his step and pleasant tone to his voice. He was always dutiful and courteous when answering the phone, but today he was far better than usual. His coworkers soon noticed his energy as they passed by his cubicle stall. He was a bit dismayed when he didn’t see a letter waiting for him right away at his station, but he held on none the less. He knew he had this in the bag, after all.

Sam’s immediate supervisor had retired very recently. Yesterday had been his last day at work. Pony resources had been looking for a replacement for a month beforehand. And every time they looked, there was always one pony who stood head and shoulders over all the other operators: Sam Listens-To-Carl’s-Problems. Constantly reached outstanding in every category, from clarity to friendliness. Hadn’t had a single negative customer review his entire time there. Only one to have a perfect score in “diction”. It was clear he knew the job inside and out and could make things happen when they needed to. PR had talked to him four separate times last month, always having good news, and on the last meeting told him they were looking at their new supervisor. Sam was more than looking forward to this. It had been such good news he moved ahead on a loan to take out for a diamond engagement necklace for Dawn as well as the offer to pay for the wedding himself. He knew full well that Dawn’s dad never really liked him…which was why he had stalled a meeting for so long. But now, it seemed as if this would certainly get him in his good graces…to say nothing of having a position in management.

He was in such a good mood, even the irate stallion on the other end of the conch shell headset he had pressed to his skull at the moment couldn’t get him down.

“Sir, I can understand that you’d like the address for a Chuck Wagon, but I need to know what city.” Pause. “Yes sir, but you need to realize that there is more than one Chuck Wagon in Equestria. At the moment, I’m reading at least 20 different names in 5 different major cities alone.” Another pause. “Well it is a very popular name. Can you give me any more information?” Another pause. “…Sir, the fact that he’s a cook does not narrow down your selection very much. Most Chuck Wagons work as cooks except for the occasional wagon-maker and even more rare stallion who throws things for a living.” Another pause. “Alright…I’ll tell you what. What’s the nearest business to him? Find that out, give me a call back, and I can get you an address. Just ask for Sam, alright?” One last pause. “Alright, I’ll talk to you soon, sir. Have a nice day. Good bye.”

As the conversation began to grow close to ending, Sam had become aware that a presence was looming behind him over his cubicle. Noticing that, as soon as he hung up the phone, he swiveled his chair slightly around…and tried not to grimace. Instead, he forced himself to smile.

“…Hello, Pencil.”

Standing at the front of his cubicle, wearing one of his characteristic ties and crew-neck collars, looking out with a very mundane, lazy glare through his wire-rim glasses, his hair neatly combed back and lightly “fluffed”, and with a coffee-cup in one hoof, was the most hated operator in the entire division: Pencil Pusher. Smug, arrogant, annoying, and with a somewhat condescending and patronizing look about him at all times…ponies couldn’t stand him. In spite of the fact that his reviews were always subpar and he wasn’t any “higher” than the rest of them, everyone still had to more or less suck it up and deal with him because he was the son of Paper Pusher, one of the company Vice-Presidents. If anyone caused him any guff, Paper would get word of it and you’d be on the street faster than a Luna prayer card during the Summer Solstice.

“Hello, Sam…” Pencil responded, his voice always seeming to go slower and more “superior” than anyone else’s. Kind of like a dull hoof on a chalkboard. “Hmm…I’m guessing that you haven’t gotten the memo yet.”

Sam looked up a bit at this. “You mean about my promotion? Yeah…” He looked around a bit. “I thought it was a bit weird that I hadn’t gotten a message yet…but I take it everyone else already knows about me getting promoted to supervisor?”

“Yeah…about that…” Pencil slowly answered. “That…actually didn’t happen.”

Sam froze momentarily. “…Excuse me?” He echoed back more quietly after a moment. “What are you talking about, Pencil?”

“Yeah, that’s another thing…you probably should start calling me, ‘Mr. Pusher’ from now on.” The stallion quietly answered as he sipped his coffee. “I mean, I am your supervisor, after all.”

The blue stallion’s eyes nearly bulged.

“…What?”

“Yeah…I got the news this morning. I’m now supervisor for this division.”

Sam’s jaw loosened. “That…that’s impossible… I mean…I had the best performance reviews! I increased our division’s quality rating by 15% by myself! Pony resources gave me their endorsement after four interviews!”

“Yeah…” Pencil slowly answered. “Well, unfortunately, it seems I still had one thing you didn’t have…namely a dad in upper management. Performance reviews really don’t mean a whole lot when you’ve got that, you know.”

Sam’s jaw nearly hit the ground. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. This was impossible… After everything he had worked for, all of the good showings he had made…they were just taking the job he earned and giving it to one of the worst employees in the division because he was the son of a vice-president? He had been betting on this promotion for a long time! He had planned the next year of his life around it at this point! He had every indication he was going to get it! And now they were just taking it from him?!

Stay calm…stay calm…

Sam finally managed to pull his jaw up. Although his day had just gone from all sunshine and rainbows to a thunderstorm in only a few seconds, he stayed cool.

“Alright…well…” He forced himself to choke out this next bit. “…Congratulations, Mr. Pusher. And I just hope that you’ll note that I’m due for a mandatory raise now since I didn’t get the promotion.”

“Yeah…about that…” Pencil answered slowly. “Well, turns out when I got this job, they weren’t really giving me the salary I felt I deserved as a supervisor. I talked it over with the Vice President and he agreed with me, but he said that we really didn’t have any budget for any more supervisor raises. In fact, they were planning on eliminating the supervisor position and merging this division with another to save more money if the position called for that kind of money… But, I proposed an excellent solution that my dad…” He paused here, sipped his coffee, and then snickered. “Yeah…I mean the Vice President agreed with. Rather than be forced to take a pay cut in this new situation, we would simply downsize one of the operators. Preferably one whose been here a while that we can replace with someone a lot cheaper…and has a piece of old chewed gum for a cutie mark…”

What little composure Sam had managed to regain began to melt away again as he stared at Pencil in disbelief. He paused only to look at his cutie mark, thinking for a second if it really did look like chewed gum, before turning back. “…Are you telling me I’m being let go?”

“Yeah…if we were ‘letting you go’ we’d have to give you two weeks notice…” Pencil slowly responded. “But I don’t really want to have to wait on my first paycheck, so…you know how you don’t polish your hooves before you come into work? Well…I convinced Pony Resources that you were neglecting a professional appearance for a chronic period…so…yeah, they agreed that’s grounds to just fire you so we don’t have to give you benefits.”

“What?!” Sam nearly shot back.

“Oh! And…” Pencil, not noticing Sam’s shock and ever-growing panic, looked to the nearest clock. “Yeah…since you’re getting this notice at 11:58, you haven’t yet put in a half-day of work, so we don’t owe you for today.”

Sam was quivering all over at this point, looking like he had just had a stroke. Yet in spite of that, he blinked a few times, then stared at Pencil.

“…You waited to fire me until two minutes before noon just so you wouldn’t have to give me a check for four hours of work?”

Pencil gave a slight smile. “Yeah…that kind of thinking is why I’m a supervisor now. Saving the company money every chance we get. So…clean out your desk…one hour…then we call security. Feel free to use me as a reference, although I will have to tell a future employer that we had to fire you due to chronic lack of professionalism. Have a nice day.”

Pencil turned and walked away.

Sam was left sitting there staring blankly. He honestly didn’t think he could have looked more shocked if a second head had suddenly grown from his torso.

No pony ever looked terribly happy to be on the quality control line of Ponyville’s horseshoe plant, regardless of what time of day it was. So after lunch, as the personnel went off of break and returned to their stations on the line, they all seemed rather listless as the whistle went off, and the horseshoes began to come on down the line. They began to look over the various size shoes as they came down, examining them all, picking them up from time to time, occasionally pulling out a truly defective one. In short, a mundane job that could really drive you mad unless you could keep a good attention span.

However, as the quality control operators went back to one, one worker raised an eyebrow to nearby and saw one of the workers looking rather irate. He glared at each new shoe, occasionally smacking it off of the line all together rather than removing it, and muttering to himself as it went along. After a time, the worker grimaced.

“Damnit, ‘Sistency. You’re not going to have one of your episodes again, are you? This is just how you looked like that day you went on that rant about how 80% of the ponies in town were twins or triplets.”

He groaned and looked to the worker. “…They shut down the Marble Creamery in town.”

“Yeah, so what?”

“So what?! Where in the world am I supposed to get a good cookies ‘n cream milkshake now?”

He sighed. “Anywhere else that makes a good shake?”

“Nowhere else makes a good shake.” Carl retorted as he looked away from the line and to the worker. “Making the perfect shake is an art as well as a science. All other shakes only approximate it or ‘come close’.”

The worker sighed, realizing Carl was at it again.

“First, the cookie. You don’t pulverize it into powder, but you don’t leave the whole damn cookie in their sitting on top. You break it into nice pieces and you make it evenly suspended throughout the shake so that the smaller cookies bits float into it and soak up the shake just enough to drink them while the big pieces slowly settle to the bottom. You use the natural ice cream that’s heavy on the cream with natural whipped cream on top, and you put that one fresh cookie on top. Fresh, not stale. And the consistency is as thick as you can get it but you can still drink it through a wide-brimmed straw, so you don’t exhaust your throat trying to drink it. And as you drink it, the cookie just slowly settles into the shake and soaks it up, so that when you’re done you’ve got nice cookie pieces at the bottom soaked with shake that you eat with a spoon, and it’s just heavenly perfection.”

The worker merely rolled his eyes. “Just go to ‘Speedy’s’. They make hand-spun milkshakes.”

Carl nearly glared daggers at the co-worker.

“…I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear you say that. Let’s get one thing perfectly straight. ‘Speedy’s’ does not make milkshakes. Not by any stretch of the imagination. What it makes is milk blended with shaved ice. They don’t have the right to say that they make even a bad milkshake. That whole ‘hand-spun’ crap? Just some marketing ploy to sucker in gullible ponies.”

“They wouldn’t say hand-spun if they weren’t actually hand-spun, man.”

“They are hand-blended, spun out with no love or care by ponies who have Cutie Marks for gas station attendants that somehow ended up working the food service industry…and they’re still just milk and ice. They say that crap just to make ponies think they’ve got a good milkshake when all they have is a piece of sh’t.”

The worker didn’t press it anymore, knowing Carl would never shut up if he didn’t drop it. Carl himself continued to irately go about his own job. They both did so for a moment longer until another co-worker moved in next to Carl…letting out a loud slurp. This caused the green stallion to look up…and froze at what he saw. The stallion was drinking out of a cup marked ‘Speedy’s’, complete with the dumb little kid Pegasus that had wings on all of his hooves as well as his body.

Carl stared at it, still as a statue. The other worker looked up to him as the new one set his cup down.

“Sorry I’m late. Just finishing up my dessert. It’s a really good cookies ‘n cream shake they’ve got at ‘Speedy’s’.”

Carl continued to glare silently. The worker near him raised an eyebrow. He looked to Carl, then back to him.

“…Oh really?”

“Yup. They’re the only ones who make hand-spun milkshakes.”

Carl began to quiver a bit.

“Oh yeah? How good are they?” The worker asked.

“The best. Hooves down.” He answered. “No one makes them any better. Far and away better than any other shake.”

“…Even the ones at Marble Creamery?”

“Especially better than those.” The worker asked. “They leave pieces of cookie in those. It’s such a waste.”

Carl was definitely quivering now, his green color turning slightly red.

“Is that so?” The first worker stated, looking to Carl with a smug smile. “Well…I think the opinion currently stands two-to-one, friend. You sure you’re just not nostalgic for an out-of-date brand?”

The green stallion didn’t say anything else.

Instead, he snatched up the largest passing horseshoe from the conveyer and smacked the co-worker in the head with it.

Needless to say, Sam wasn’t feeling too well when he finally made it to Dawn’s apartment.

He had spent most of the past four hours in a perpetual state of dread and horror. He was sunk. He couldn’t even finish making the payments for the engagement collar he had given her. And until he could get a new job, he couldn’t even afford his rent, let alone a wedding. He had no savings and his pitiful checking account had a grand total of 350 bits last time he looked. That wasn’t enough to even rent a decent coach.

Eventually, however, he came to a decision. He repeated it to himself as he stood at the door, a bit quietly.

“Alright…Sam…you are just going to have to ‘stallion up’ and tell her clearly that you don’t have the money. Plans change…it looks like I won’t be able to pay for the wedding after all.” He paused. “…I could find another job. Even…with this bad market…I’m sure it wouldn’t be too terribly bad…right? And…we’ll just have to postpone the wedding until I get one if she doesn’t want to do that. You know…sh’t happens. You just got to deal with it.”

With that in mind, he inhaled deeply and exhaled, looking at the door. He managed to get out a bit early. After all…he wasn’t giving them any more work he wasn’t getting paid for. Hopefully that meant he could catch Dawn alone. If so, then maybe he could explain the whole situation before her dad arrived, and they could avoid a large misunderstanding. With that in mind, he exhaled, leaned over, pulled on the chain with his teeth, and caused the bell to ring. After that, he stood there and waited.

Soon after, the door opened, revealing Dawn. She lit up on seeing him.

“Sam! You’re here early!”

He swallowed. “Yeah…Dawn, I…”

“This is great!” She immediately cut off. “Dad got in early too and I was afraid that I’d have to keep him waiting, but you’re here so soon! Come on in!”

He blinked. “…Hold on, what?”

Before he could protest, Dawn quickly moved out behind him and gave him a nudge, beginning to push him inside.

“And you’re never going to believe this…but guess what mom did!”

Blinking, confused, and now being pushed in, Sam looked about. “Er…what?”

“She thought since you were going to pay for the wedding, she bought us tickets for a ten day cruise in the Meadowterranean for the honeymoon! Can you believe it?”

Sam, now inside, nearly felt his jaw hit the ground as Dawn closed the door. “Wait…what?!”

“I mean…I told her, ‘Mom, you really don’t have to do all that.’…” She explained. “But she said she liked you so much all the times she’s met with you…she wanted to show how much she appreciated this. Besides, since she’s not paying anything, she said she could afford it easily. Still, I tried to tell her, we don’t need that, but she said, ‘Oh no, it’s already done. Set right for the day after the wedding.’”

“Huh?!”

“Don’t worry! Mom got the date we planned right. I know, I was scared she’d get mistaken too, especially since the tickets were non-refundable.”

Sam nearly stammered on hearing that last word.

Dawn snickered as she leaned over and gave him a peck on the cheek. “Come on, you’re worth it.” She said as she did so. After leaning back, however, her face fell a bit. “Although…she did have a terrible time trying to talk dad into it. He’s still a bit on edge about the whole thing, so it’s a good thing you’re here early. Just make sure he knows that just because you’re paying for the wedding doesn’t mean you’re going to be ‘cheap’ about it, and it will be all fair.”

Sam’s normally blue color was practically teal by now. He was so stunned at all of this news that he couldn’t say anything else. As for Dawn, seemingly oblivious to this, she turned her head to the rest of the apartment.

“Dad, it’s Sam! He came here early! Come say hi!”

Sam continued to stare blankly for a moment…before he felt he heard the house shaking slightly and the floor rattling a bit. At that, he blinked a few times, then looked to the floor, and then to the hall leading into the apartment entrance. Being a more “elegant” and upscale apartment than Sam’s by far, it was almost house-like in setup…and as a result he was able to see his potential father-in-law coming from a ways, and he struggled not to let out a panicked squeak.

Dawn Charger’s father, Mason “Stonewall” Charger, was a minotaur of a pony, solidly built and looking like he could grind the skulls of adult stallions into grist between his hooves…or in his teeth. His jaw was like a piece of granite, his eyes were set back in his head, and his hair was sharply cut…giving him a look between a movie monster and a drill sergeant. He seemed to cast a shadow about him even as he moved forward, although the light was behind Sam and not him. As he neared them and halted, he fixed Sam with a look that seemed like a tiny drill bit trying to go into him.

“So…you’re Sam.” He stated in an indifferent, non-happy, non-impressed tone.

Sam tried not to cringe. “Um…yes sir, I mean, yes, Mr. Charger.” Swallowing and steeling his courage, he held out a hoof to him.

Stonewall didn’t even seem to notice it. “My watch has 4:59 PM, Sam.”

The blue stallion was a bit puzzled by what that had to do with anything, and lowered his hoof. “Um…”

The older stallion’s eyes narrowed. “It’s not even 5 PM. Are you in the habit of cutting work early whenever you feel like it?”

Sam paled a bit more. “Well…sir, I…”

“Oh, dad…” Dawn groaned, moving in next to him. “You know you always set your watch too fast. Sam just wanted to be here quickly so he could meet you.”

The blue stallion, at the moment, wanted to be on the other side of Ponyville away from the intimidating horse. However, he forced himself to smile again. “Uh, yeah! Actually, I was interested in your business, Mr. Charger. Dawn told me you’re actually in a new company?”

Stonewall lightened up a bit at that, but only a little. “Oh yeah, Sam. Hunting equipment.”

“So…like, snares and traps and-”

“Oh no, something more direct. Something new.” Stonewall answered. “We call it a ‘rifle’. It’s like a long pipe with some wood on one end. You put that end near your shoulder, aim the other end of the pipe at whatever you’re hunting, and pull back this lever. Fires off a piece of metal we call a ‘bullet’ and whatever you’re aiming for falls down dead if it hits them in a vital spot.”

Sam looked a bit disturbed, to be honest, on hearing that. “So…uh…you just kill whatever you’re hunting right there?”

Stonewall shrugged. “Might as well cut out the middleman, so to speak. Easier to drag a dead carcass on a travois than store it in a cage. More efficient. Hunters love them. We’ve sold 8,000 over the past two months alone. It was an idea I got while in the Royal Guard of Canterlot.”

Now the blue stallion really blinked. “Royal Guard of Canterlot?”

“Oh yes!” Dawn threw in. “I forgot to tell you. Daddy used to be in the Royal Guard! He made it all the way to Major!”

Stonewall couldn’t help but smile a bit and shrug. “Well, if you have any amount of determination and discipline, it’s not that hard. You just have to really stick with it and never settle for less.”

“That’s where he got his nickname ‘Stonewall’.” Dawn explained.

Sam risked a bit of a smile. “Oh…I’m guessing because the enemy could never get past you?”

“Actually it was because my favorite method of dispatching an opponent was by driving their heads straight through a stone wall.” The older stallion responded. “Very effective too. Even a chimera’s skull will be in bits after that.”

What little confidence Sam had been regaining disappeared, leaving his face frozen in its last position as a “mask” to avoid his growing terror.

“You do any hunting, Sam?”

He blinked a moment. “…Excuse me?”

“Hunting, Sam. Do you do any? Did your parents ever take you out?”

He hesitated a bit, and then shook his head. “Er…no sir.”

Stonewall’s face fell a little. “I’m not surprised. Almost all stallions brought up in your generation are kept at home, never encouraged to get out there and get their hands dirty. But there are still some who know about guts and toughness and responsibility, though. Heck, a lot of the guys I know in the Royal Guard have ponies like that. I tell Dawn about them all the time…what they’ve done…how many bits they make… On that note, Sam…you play any sports?”

Sam swallowed a bit. “I…did back in high school.”

“Football?”

“…No.”

“Wrestling?”

“…No.”

“Baseball?”

Sam swallowed. “Er, no.”

“Basketball?”

Sam wanted to crawl into a hole in the floor by now. “No.”

Stonewall looked a bit confused. “…I’m drawing a blank. What else is there?”

Dawn interjected. “He was great at tennis, dad.”

Sam nearly passed out at the revelation. Stonewall raised an eyebrow. “…Tennis?”

“Er…yeah.” Sam reluctantly admitted.

Dawn, realizing that this wasn’t going over well, quickly gave more support. “Dad, tennis is really demanding. You have to be able to run almost continuously, and change direction all the time. I couldn’t go half as long as Sam. He actually placed third in state.”

Stonewall continued to stare at Sam. “Sounds great.” He said in a rather mundane tone. “You know…Sam, for some weird reason…I always had the idea that only mares were allowed to play tennis in high school.” Pause. “Learn something new every day, eh?”

Dawn swallowed a bit herself now. “Dad…Sam…why don’t we head into the kitchen and have some tea, and Sam can tell you all about what we planned to have for the wedding?”

“Actually, Dawn,” Stonewall interjected. “I’d like to talk with Sam privately for a moment in the guest room.”

Sam looked to Dawn at that. When she was sure Stonewall was looking to her as well, he gave her a head shake to indicate “no”. However, Dawn managed to bite back her own anxiety and gave a nod.

“Uh, sure dad! It’ll take me a few to get the tea on anyway.”

Stonewall turned back to the stallion, who barely finished shaking his head in time. “Sam…right this way.”

The much larger stallion turned and began to lead the way, and Sam could have sworn he felt the temperature drop a few degrees as he passed…even a slipstream. However, he bit down and followed after him. Dawn’s apartment, being as nice as it was, was large enough to where they actually had to walk a bit before they came to the doorway leading into the room. On doing so, Stonewall came to a stop, turned to him, and indicated onward.

“After you.” He said with only the faintest hint of the smile.

Sam suppressed a swallow, and then advanced to the door. Very reluctantly, he opened it up and began to step inside. Sam had never been in this room before. After all, Dawn only kept it for out-of-town guests, and Sam wasn’t the kind of pony who nosed around in every nook and cranny he could find.

The lights were off in the interior, and the only thing that made Sam more uncomfortable than inching past the monolithic pony standing at the entry way was to go before him into a dark, enclosed room with no windows. He tried not to let the sound of him swallowing go too loud as he went in. Once finally inside, however, he quickly went for the light switch. He pressed it a moment later.

Almost immediately, he wished the room was dark again.

The room was done almost entirely in “military style”, with the furnishings, colors, and everything about it representing a cold, hard, military mentality only found in the strictest of the Royal Guards of Canterlot. Yet far more disturbing than that was that the walls were lined with numerous hunting trophies, posing body parts of everything from hydras…at least seven of their heads…to rabbits with big pointy teeth. It also seemed to have enough furnishings to practically be a live-in space on its own. In addition to the bed, there was actually a mini-bar, fridge, and a table and chairs.

Sam blinked for a few moments, before he jumped on hearing the door slam shut behind him like the entrance to a torture chamber. He nearly snapped to the towering Stonewall as he walked by him. He didn’t even look to Sam as he moved over to the table on one side.

“Dawn’s such a sweet girl…she makes sure this room is done up just the way I like it. Almost a home away from home whenever I visit. She’s not big on hunting, but she knows I like the trophies. She’s very considerate like that.” He said as he reached a chair. “Have a seat, Sam.”

The blue stallion visibly swallowed again, and then moved over to Stonewall, feeling somewhat like he was nearing a fully awake and hungry lion. Eventually, he reached a chair, but only slowly sat down inside of it. Stonewall sat across from him…but even in this small space it looked like he was a judge towering over him. It didn’t help that Sam was sitting posed in between a set of what looked like young adult dragon claws on either side of him, talons outstretched for his body. He looked about a bit, and moistened his lips.

“It’s, um…very impressive, Mr. Charger. You…look like you get around quite a bit…”

Stonewall, in response, folded his hands in front of him under the table, leveling a firm gaze at him.

“Sam…what do you say we cut the bullsh’t?”

Sam’s feeble attempts to be more conversational immediately aborted. Stonewall, in response, continued to hold him in his gaze.

“I’m going to be blunt and honest with you because I never believed in being untruthful. You are not my first, second, third, fourth, or even twentieth choice I would have for my daughter. Dawn is the nicest, smartest, most wonderful filly in the world and she deserves somepony a hundred times better than you. When I heard that she decided to marry a low-income operator who never went to college, I honestly thought it was a joke. When I learned she was serious, I was so angry that I will not sully my daughter’s dwelling with some of the expletives I uttered. Let’s be honest…would you be happy for your child if you heard they were marrying some mail service representative who had zero prospects for the future?”

Sam had been progressively sinking in his chair during this diatribe, feeling smaller by the second. At this pause, he manage a weak smile. “Well…don’t flatter me, sir. Tell me how you really feel.”

Stonewall continued to glare at him as if his eyes could burn holes in his skull.

The blue stallion swallowed. “Oh Celestia, why did I just say that…?” He muttered.

“The only reason I ended up consenting instead of getting a few of my old army buddies together to give you a marine-grade ass-beating to ensure you never laid eyes on my daughter ever again was because Dawn sent me a letter saying you were not only moving into a supervisor position but you were going to pay for the wedding yourself.” Stonewall continued darkly. “And I’ll admit…I’m impressed in that regard. Under any other circumstance, I would say it shows you have at least some ambition in your life for greater things and that you’re willing to take on some responsibility and sacrifice. I might even say you’re somepony, someday I might be able to tolerate being in my family.”

Sam supposed that was kind of a compliment…but he hung on the wording. “…And…what makes this a different set of circumstances?”

Stonewall’s eyes narrowed. “I’m not exactly sure that I can trust that letter. For whatever reason that only Celestia knows, my daughter seems intent on marrying you. And I brought her up to never quit until she gets what she wants, which means so long as she’s fixated on you, she won’t stop until she gets it. I can’t put it past her that she’s not lying to me.”

Sam felt himself pale again. Stonewall continued to stare.

“Now…she wasn’t lying…was she, Sam?”

The blue stallion actually hesitated, and cursed himself for doing so. He thought of how he had been fired. Thought about how his future, his dreams, his plans, and his financial standing were now completely up in smoke. She also thought of Stonewall leaning over him, in that room full of trophies with only one escape route…

In the end, he spoke again. “Of course not, Mr. Charger. Promotion came through today and everything. You’re looking at the newest supervisor.”

Stonewall said nothing. He continued to stare at the blue stallion. He didn’t look at all convinced, which made the stallion nervous. After a moment, he leaned back slightly, and began to reach down to his side.

“Sam, I’d like to show you my latest hunting trophy. Brought it with me to Ponyville to show my daughter. Bagged him in the desert to the south. My first chimera.”

He brought up a burlap bag, and reached inside it and felt around. A moment later, he pulled out a polished, varnished, white skull…of what looked very much like a pony’s head.

Sam had to struggle to keep from stammering on seeing it…and hearing it click as it was set down right in front of him.

“Came out good, didn’t it?” He asked. “Just look at that.”

The blue stallion tried not to quiver. “S…Sir…that looks like a pony’s skull…”

Stonewall looked to Sam a moment, looked down to the skull, then back up to Sam. “Nah. It’s a chimera, Sam. I’d know.”

Sam swallowed again. “The…the teeth are all flat…”

“It’s a chimera, Sam.” Stonewall calmly answered. “I know my animals, believe me.”

“There’s a gap there in the dentition…the jaw is too thick for a predator…”

The older stallion let out a chuckle as he leaned back. “Sam, this is silly. It’s a chimera. What are you trying to say? That it’s not a chimera? That it’s the skull of the last deadbeat, would-be suitor who bought my daughter an engagement collar and then got it signed in her name so that when he skipped on her he left her with a 1,000 bit bill she couldn’t pay and so I and a bunch of my old military connections arranged for him to ‘disappear’ and I had his head cut off, polished, and sealed and now I carry his head around as a warning that I can make the exact same thing happen to any other deadbeats who try and take advantage of my daughter?”

Sam felt his heart practically pounding in his ears at this point. As he did, Stonewall’s smile vanished and he leaned in close again, growing dark once more.

“Sam…I’ll make a deal with you. If you’re lying to me and you come clean now, I’ll let you go away and never come back. I never want you to talk to my daughter again, but I’ll let you walk.”

The stallion paused only a moment. He nearly considered confessing. Yet as much as he was terrified right now, he didn’t want to lose Dawn. She was the most wonderful thing in the Equestria to him, and she was the only thing he had left after today. As much as the logic part of his brain said no, his heart won out. Finally, he shook his head.

“I’m…I’m really not lying, sir. I’ll pay for the wedding.”

Stonewall stared a moment longer, but then finally nodded.

“Alright.” He finally stated a bit flatly. “We’ll see whether you’re lying or not in the coming weeks, I’m guessing. But for right now, consider yourself ‘tentatively accepted’. Let’s go have the tea.”

Despite the normally cheery and colorful atmosphere of the café in Ponyville, Carl was treating it like a dive bar at the moment. A frown on his face, half-slumped in his chair, and using a hoof to hold an ice pack next to a swollen eye, he simply glared at a glass in front of him with a dollup of whipped cream and a cherry. He nearly wrinkled his face in disgust as he slowly turned it with his straw.

After a time, a unicorn waiter walked by. At this point, Carl turned to her.

“Hey…hey, waiter!”

The waiter paused and looked to him. Carl, in turn, pointed at the shake.

“I said I wanted this damn thing made only a little thick.”

The pony sighed. “Sir, the machines only make the one thickness…”

“Bullsh’t! A shake I got in here two weeks ago wasn’t near this thick! And I told you to leave the damn half-rotted, tasteless cherry off of it! And I still don’t have that plate of cookies I ordered!”

The waiter grimaced. “…Sir, I told you they’re in the oven-”

The green stallion rolled his eyes. “How many times a week do I come in at this exact time? How many…” He trailed off, and sighed. “…Whatever. Just…just get me a different shake, please.”

The pony still frowned at him, giving a rather dark look, before using her horn to lift the shake onto her tray and walked out. He looked back to the table and shook his head.

“Even the staff at the Marble Creamery was better…”

The door made a jingle, but Carl didn’t look up to it right away. Only after he sat there for a moment, hearing the stiff sounds of a pony slowly clicking on the floor, did he actually put down his ice pack and look up to the side. He actually gave pause, but only a moment before looking forward again…just as a very haggard and tired-looking Sam moved up to the chair and nearly collapsed into it, practically falling off again.

Carl looked up to him at that for a moment, then back down again. Sam never even looked up. Both were silent.

“…And here I thought you’d have to lead the conversation for once.” Carl said, breaking the silence at last. He looked to him. “Bad day?”

Sam paused. “…You might say that.”

Carl snorted as he looked down. “It couldn’t possibly have been as bad as my day.”

“…I wouldn’t make a bet on that, Carl.”

“Oh yeah? I got fired.”

Sam looked up a bit at that. Carl sighed and shook his head.

“Someone tried to say ‘Speedy’s’ shakes were better than those at ‘Marble Creamery’, and I lost it because they tore down the Marble Creamery this morning…and…well, to make a long story short, I got kind of violent.”

Sam looked to him a bit more. “…How violent?”

Carl grimaced a bit and turned his head. “Well…let’s just say I might have been able to argue for a suspension if I hadn’t seized one of the canisters of Dragon Breath and tried to burn off my opponent’s face.”

Sam snapped fully to him. “Dude…are you nuts?!”

“I got really worked up about it, Sam! I had been looking forward to that thing all morning ever since I got away from Farrah! That was going to be the one shining spot of my morning, and then they purposely started ragging on it knowing it would piss me off! I was set up!”

The blue stallion merely groaned and facehooved. “Carl, if I’ve told you once I’ve told you a thousand times. Your obsession with fixating on dumb crap is going to get you in trouble some day. And now look what it did! You got fired over a damn milkshake!”

“That cookie shake was worth defending! I was standing up for my principles!”

“Carl!”

“Alright, alright!” He suddenly shouted back, sighing and slumping into the chair. “So maybe I should have just let it go…but that’s not going to do me any good now. Now Farrah’s never going to let me have a moment’s peace.”

Sam blinked. “…She still doesn’t have a job? Hasn’t she been pretty much freeloading off of you for months?”

Carl groaned. “If I tell her to hurry up and get work, it’ll end up even worse for me. She’ll nag more than ever and claim she can’t supervise her damn kids at all. And if I try to kick her out, mom will treat me like I’m King Sombra…” He looked over to Sam. “Hopefully you’re feeling better when you’re thinking at least your problem isn’t as bad as mine.”

Sam frowned. “Guess again. You know that promotion I was hoping for? They gave it to Pencil Pusher. And his first order of business was to fire me and replace me with some junior employee for less money so he could skim the rest of into his own paycheck. Dude…it’s like he’s literally continuously ripping me off by stealing my future paychecks as well as my current one.”

Carl went a bit wide-eyed. “You’re kidding, right? You’re the best operator for that company!”

Sam snorted. “Duly noted. You can tell my new/former boss that. He screwed me over on some technicality to keep from paying me for today or getting me any benefits too, claiming I violated some obscure rule no one ever obeys and then canning me.”

“Damn…” Carl muttered. “…Well, alright, I admit it. Barring the guy I hit in the head with one of the conch shell transmitters multiple times pressing battery charges, you did have a worse day than me.”

Sam grimaced. “I wasn’t finished. You know how I was planning on paying for the wedding, right? Well, I’m not going to pay for a wedding on an unemployment check. So I go to Dawn to give her the bad news and I figure I’m getting there before her dad so we can work something out, but then not only do I find her dad is already there, but he has absolutely no love for me whatsoever and he makes a half dozen hints about how he’d love nothing better than to kick my ass. The dude showed me a pony’s head, man, like he was going keep my skull for a trophy if I tried to back down out of paying for this wedding!”

Now Carl went to serious shock. “Holy sh’t! Is this guy insane or something?! He can’t just do that no matter how much he dislikes you! I mean, for crying out loud, he’d be wanted for murder! He had to just be bullsh’tting you, man.”

Sam groaned. “Carl…he was part of the Canterlot Royal Guard. They kind of have that Rainbow Wall of Silence going. I really wouldn’t put it past him. But let’s say for the sake of argument that he’s just trying to scare me. He’ll still beat the living crap out of me and forbid me from marrying Dawn if I don’t come through. Especially after Dawn’s mom put down a non-refundable payment on a Meadowterranean cruise for the date Dawn wanted for the wedding!”

Carl looked a bit surprised at that second part, but then bowed his head and propped it up on a hoof himself. “And to think, I’m usually the guy who has crap end up happening to him… Alright Sam…you’re just going to have to bite the arrowhead and stand up to this son of a bitch. It’s honestly not your fault.”

Sam just shook his head in response. “No dude…I can’t do that. This guy looks like he’s just itching for a reason to dance on my face with tap horseshoes.”

“Come on, Sam! You’ve got to be a man! Isn’t Dawn worth it to you?”

“That’s just it!” The blue stallion responded. “This isn’t just about Stonewall Charger not throwing me into a bin at a glue factory! Dawn does everything for me! She took time out of her life this morning alone just to make my favorite lunch for no reason other than she felt like doing something nice! This is the biggest commitment I’ve ever made to her before! And as much as Stonewall Charger may be a tremendous jackass…”

“Hey!” A donkey suddenly shouted from the nearby table.

Carl looked up to him with a frown. “It’s just an expression! And we aren’t even talking to you!”

Sam went on. “…He made a good point. For years he’s been trying to get Dawn to pick someone else richer, smarter, and stronger than me. He’s constantly reminding her of how inferior I am to dozens of other stallions. This is the one thing I can say I’ve got them all beat at. If I can’t come through for this, I’m afraid Dawn is going to start wondering why she ever started wasting time on me in the first place.”

Carl paused momentarily, taking all of this in, and then sighed and leaned back. “…Alright, so this means a lot to you, obviously. Exactly how many bits do you have to come up with for this thing? Got any ideas?”

“After we planned everything out, around 50,000 bits.”

Carl shot up out of his seat so fast that his head knocked into the incoming waiter behind him with a fresh shake and the cookie order. Naturally, the cookies went flying and the waiter got a face full of shake, not to mention the collision caused a lot of people to turn their heads. Immediately, Sam looked up in shock to the waiter, while Carl, head in pain from hitting the tray, let out some curses and went to one side.

“Oh…oh, ma’am…” Sam began to apologize. “I’m so sorry… I-”

However, the unicorn fumed, taking her apron to wipe off her face, then turned and stormed away. As for Carl, he finished grasping his head and returned to his chair.

“Sh’t, that hurt! And I just ruined the shake and the cookies!” He grimaced, then recovered enough to look to Sam. “…They made sure not to bring a maraschino cherry this time, right? I hate those things.”

“Dude, you should have apologized. Now I don’t want to know what they’re going to bake into those damn cookies…”

Carl ignored this. “50,000 bits, man?! Doesn’t the average wedding, like, cost half that?”

“The 'average wedding' takes into account those ponies who go to Las Pegasus and those 24 hour chapels. Besides, we wanted this to be special.”

“‘Special’ is when your first grade teacher gives you a gold star on a drawing of Princess Celestia that has five hooves, Sam! 50,000 bits, on the other hand, is an assload of money! What the Hell was she thinking you were getting promoted to? CEO?”

“I was going to use my new salary figure for a loan!”

Carl let his head fall and thunk on the table. “I am never getting married. If I wanted to make my mom feel ‘special’ when I was a foal, I’d make her breakfast in bed or spend 2 bits on a card. There’s a line between ‘special’ and f***ing ‘Princess Cadance’s Nuptuals’, Sam.” He looked up. “She doesn’t want stupid crap like little mice in band uniforms and a gown made out of moonbeams or something, does she?”

“No! Carl…a wedding costs a lot of money! Just renting a decent chapel for a couple hours costs 2,000 bits.”

The green stallion grumbled. “I wonder how much of that goes into the pockets of the princesses…”

“Dude, are you going to complain that I shouldn’t pay that much or are you going to help me come up with some way to make that kind of cash?”

“Well don’t ask me for it, that’s all I can say!” Carl retorted. “We’re both broke now! We couldn’t even afford a trip to a 24 hour chapel and a cake from ‘Rich’s Barnyard Bargains’.” He went to his side, grabbed something in his teeth, and then threw a newspaper up on the table. “I’ve been looking over this damn classified section for an hour. There’s not one job anywhere in Ponyville that comes close to paying what I was making, and I know you were making a lot more than me. The only chance you have at getting that loan is throwing up some collateral.”

Sam snorted. “What collateral?”

“Don’t look at me, dude. You know I’m there for you, but that wagon is pretty much the only thing I own that has any value, and not much of it. You’d be lucky if it ended up being worth 1,500 bits at this point. Come on man, you’ve got to have something that’s worth some cash.”

Sam slumped and shook his head. “The most valuable thing I ever bought was that diamond engagement collar…which, I might add, I’m still trying to pay off as well. I’ve got nothing other than that besides some stupid condo in Manehattan.”

Carl nearly did a double take on hearing that. “…Dude, you actually own a condo in Manehattan?"

“Yeah.” Sam responded off handedly. “My great uncle made a ton of money selling leather for binding books.”

The green stallion raised an eyebrow. “…How exactly did he get the leather?”

Sam gave him a dark look. “Dude…do not vaporlock on me at a time like this. I need you to focus on my problem.”

Carl sighed. “Fine, but I’m going to want the whole story later.”

“Anyway…point being, all of his money went to most of the rest of the family but he left me that in the will when he died.”

“Manehattan is some of the best real estate in the country, Sam. That condo has to be worth-”

Sam cut him off with a head shake. “It’s in the urban decay part of town. The roaches are so big in that building they eat the rats. You feel like you need a haz-mat suit just to set foot in that place. Not to mention the fact that gang wars will keep you up all night… Assuming the place isn’t already condemned and the city council hasn’t gotten around to finalizing it, I couldn’t get 200 bits for it.”

Carl frowned and slumped for a moment, putting his hooves in front of him and looking back over the paper he put on the table. He stared for a few moments, then shrugged.

“Only one thing to do then. We’re going to have to hit the pavement and just turn this town inside out looking for a job. Any job, at this point. Because even if we don’t have to worry about that wedding, the end of the month is coming up…”

Sam grimaced. “Don’t remind me.”

At this point, the waiter returned. Her face was cleaned up, but her clothes were still dirty as she very grudgingly half-threw a plate of cookies on the table and a cherry-free milkshake in front of Carl. It was so rough it made him look up a bit in response, as she sneered and walked away. Sam himself looked to her for a moment, and then to the cookies…almost as if they were laced with ebola.

“Um…what do you say we both look around and if we find anything the other one is good at, we give them a buzz?”

“Good idea.” Carl answered as he drank a bit out of the straw of the milkshake. Immediately, he made a face and spat it out. “Damnit!” He yelled. “They spit in it!”

Sam quirked an eyebrow. “You were able to tell that from the first sip?”

“Well yeah! When that guy is making it!”

He pointed to the kitchen counter. Sam looked up…and saw a camel manning the shake dispenser. He grimaced in response.

“Uh…how about we don’t meet here tomorrow?”

Unfortunately, the next day, Sam’s spirits had done little to improve.

Although the venue had changed to Sugarcube Corner, which was brighter with better service, Sam couldn’t really enjoy the atmosphere. After all, the day hadn’t yielded much in the way of profit. Lying before him on the table was the newspaper, with one ad after another crossed out in red. Nearly the whole paper was marked. Not one job opening he could take.

Naturally, he hadn’t said a word of this to Dawn, especially since Stonewall was still in town for a couple days. He had put on a happy face and been lying about the whole thing. However, he was getting nervous. He had a little over a week before the next payment on the engagement collar was due. And if he didn’t have any income coming in, it meant he’d have to choose between his rent and taking it back… That was enough to break any attempt at a cool exterior that he could come up with. On that note, he was avoiding Dawn as much as possible. Even phone calls were getting harder to keep up appearances with. He was noticeably getting more stressed as time went on.

As he sat there, thinking about where he went from now, a mare with pink hair and a yellow apron came up to him, smiling as she looked to him.

“What can I get for you, hon?”

Sam stared forward a moment, only slowly being distracted from his thoughts, and then looking up to her. “…Huh? Oh! Uh…just a strawberry soda, please.” He said before looking away and thinking again.

“Would you care for a lime spritzer with that?” The mare asked with a smile. “Many of our customers enjoy that.”

Sam looked to her again and shook his head. “No thank you.” He began to look away again.

“How about a float?” She asked. “Strawberry soda goes excellent with vanilla in an ice cream float.”

Sam exhaled a bit, and looked again to her. “No thank you.”

“Would you like a slice of pie to go with that?” She kept pressing, still smiling. “We have a wonderful selection of pies.”

Sam began to grimace a bit. “…I’m not that hungry.”

“Are you sure? We have ones freshly baked with apples right from our own Sweet Apple Acres…”

“…I said I’m not hungry, ma’am.” Sam answered.

“How about some chocolate cake? Come on!” She ribbed him a bit. “There’s always room for a slice of chocolate cake!”

“…Ma’am, I’m just waiting on someone to meet with. I just want the soda.”

“I can’t tempt you with any cookies? The butter ones are fresh out of the ov-”

Finally, Sam groaned and dropped his hooves down on the table so hard that it sent an audible ripple through the entire store. “Lady! Listen to me and hear what I’m saying! I don’t want anything to eat! I don’t want a float! I don’t want a lime spritzer! I don’t want whatever other damn ‘options’ you’re trying to sell me! I’m not trying to buy a house, for Celestia’s sake! I just want a damn strawberry soda!”

The mare had recoiled quite a bit at this by now, looking almost frightful at Sam. He continued to stare at her for a moment, slowly calming down as well. But before he could fully get his bearings back, the mare turned and ran back to the counter. Sam groaned…looking away again. He didn’t really expect to get his strawberry soda now either.

He didn’t stare to one side long before an equally-sore and unhappy-looking Carl came up to him, a shake balanced on his head, which he set down on the table before sitting as well. “These shakes are ‘alright’, at least… It just almost feels like they’re slapping me in the face. After having a ‘Marble Creamery’ shake, nothing else really compares…”

Sam looked to him. “Carl, I don’t mean to sound ‘rude’…but please tell me you did more today than just tried to find a new place to get milkshakes.”

Carl gave him a look. “Hey…times are tough. I need something to keep my spirits up. Anyway…no luck. Every last place I went to that had a quality control department was completely filled up. So I tried getting creative. I went to Sweet Apple Acres and tried to market myself as a ‘bean counter’. Well, they grow apples, not beans, so that didn’t work out… Then I found out the local Rainbow Factory was needing someone to operating the buffering on the dye mixes…but they said I couldn’t do it because…you know…” He patted his wingless back. “I’d tried telling that guy that this was workplace discrimination, but apparently the legal codes make exceptions for pegasi industries. I even went to the town hall to try and fill in a job for an editor. But they’re apparently big sticklers for having no pending legal charges if you’re going to work in a government position.”

He paused a moment.

“…Actually, I did see this one job that would have been an extra 4,000 bits per year and I did pretty good on the interview. It was for site inspection of construction, and that’s a pretty big industry since one of the princesses lives in Ponyville now and lots of ponies are moving here.”

Sam looked up a bit. “That sounds pretty good. Do you think you might get the job?”

Carl grimaced and sighed as he shook his head. “Sorry, dude. They broke things off, told me to get lost, and I wouldn’t be hearing a call from them.”

The blue stallion looked up. “Huh? What ruined it?”

Carl paused for a moment in response, grimacing a bit. Sam stared at him, his eyes slowly narrowing.

“Carl…please tell me whatever ruined this for you didn’t involve one of those stupid shakes.”

“...It was on his desk the whole time, Sam. I tried not to look at it…but he just kept taking drinks from it…and when he offered to buy me one and said: ‘it’ll be the best shake you ever tasted’…”

Sam groaned. “Carl…those shakes have now cost you two jobs. Please don’t try and go for a ‘hat trick’…”

“I can’t help it, dude! That chain should have never closed!” He paused after saying this, and then sighed and slumped in his chair. “Anyway, did you have better luck?”

“Hardly. Everywhere I went wasn’t interested. All I got for a day of walking was a bunch of insults. One employer looked at my cutie mark and said I should be in the ‘ugly beanbag chair’ business. Another said I should grow radioactive cashews. A third guy wondered if I was good at giving ponies hemorrhoids… They didn’t even bother looking at my resume!” He slumped in his own seat. “It’s no use, Carl. The only jobs that are left are crap like landscaping and selling bridles door-to-door that pay on commission. There’s just no openings for some guy good at listening to crap and a guy who finds mistakes in things.”

Carl exhaled and looked to the table again. After a moment, however, he blinked, and then looked back up to Sam, a bit more earnest. “Wait a second…why not get a job that uses both our talents?”

Sam looked up to him. “Huh?”

“Think about it, dude. Together nobody wants us for anything. But together…we could do a whole new set of jobs! If we put our talents together, we can accomplish anything! We’d be unstoppable!”

Sam gave him a deadpan look.

“…Not only is that one of the weaker and cornier concepts I’ve ever heard from you, Carl, what exactly gives you that idea?”

“Come on, man! Don’t you remember when we were colts? Remember how we kicked ass at school candy sales?”

Sam hesitated on hearing that part. He looked to the ceiling and thought back momentarily…

A green and blue colt pulling a wagon loaded with candy bars stood at the door of a farmhouse, as a grizzled-old green mare proceeded to buy two whole boxes of rice-chocolate bars from them. She gave them the bits, which they readily accepted before looking to each other and grinning, the green one having braces.

“Yes! We’ll be the best candy salesponies at our school and get to pick the grand prize for sure!”

“I could use a new wagon!”

“…Wagon? Dude, I want the Easy-Bake Oven so we can make our own cookies.”

The two turned to leave, only to see that a party of a sort was taking place in the surrounding farm, which looked a lot like Sweet Apple Acres. One of the ponies was currently looking at a young orange pony whose mouth was mottled with the refuse of apple fritters and seated under the table.

The blue one smiled. “Aw…she kind of looks like your kid sister, Carl.”

Carl merely quirked an eyebrow. “…Sam, how did she manage to get the apple fritters off the table and under it when she’s not even big enough to climb on a bench?”

Sam rolled his eyes and kept pulling the wagon. “Not now, Carl…you got us in detention last week doing that…”

Sam blinked as he came out of the flashback. “…I guess you got a point.” He admitted. “But even so, it’s not like we can make a living selling candy bars. And no one is hiring more than one person. Let’s face it…Ponyville is ‘dry’ when it comes to the job market.”

Carl frowned and put his own head down on the table hopelessly, looking at the marked-up classified page. “Yeah…and neither of us know a thing about starting our own business, either…”

For a moment, the two merely stared out hopelessly, not saying anything else, just musing over their bad situation.

However, something he spotted on the paper suddenly made him look up.

“…That’s it!”

Sam snapped his head up in response. As for Carl, he quickly leaned the rest of the way up and moved the paper around so the blue stallion could see it.

“Look right here! There’s an employment business operating out of Manehattan for overnight services! Says ‘thousands of openings starting at 40 bits an hour’!”

Sam looked up more at that, looking to the ad. “40 bits? That’s pretty damn high for something that’s not a college degree job, don’t you think?”

“It’s overnight jobs, Sam. In an urban area. They’re offering that because no one will take the jobs otherwise. They’re dangerous plus they’re all night long. Probably pretty disgusting stuff like cleaning up crime scenes and sewers too.”

The blue stallion’s gaze narrowed. “…And…we want these jobs why again?”

Carl gave him a glare. “Because you have a homicidal soon-to-be father-in-law who will kill you if you don’t scare up 50 grand.”

Sam grimaced and sighed. “…Alright, you got a point. But dude, the reason they have to pay that much is because no one can afford to live in Manehattan who doesn’t make twice the Equestrian average.”

Carl grinned. “That’s the beauty part, Sam. You already own your own home there, right?”

Sam went a bit wide-eyed. “Are you out of your mind, Sam? That place is practically held up with chewing gum and toothpicks and it’s got mold growing on the mold!”

The green stallion shrugged. “So we’ll take some cleaning supplies along, bleach the Hell out of it, spray some air fresheners, and unroll a couple sleeping bags. We only need to sleep in there, Sam, not host a Celestia-damn dinner party.”

“You want to actually move to Manehattan? Both of us? Are you out of your mind?!” Sam retorted. “Dawn will figure out what we’re up to in no time! I can’t just move to a different city to find work!”

Carl held up his hooves. “Dude, it’ll be fine. Here’s the plan…you tell Dawn that you need to go on a business trip for a month…”

“‘Business trip’? Carl…I’m an operator!”

“Just say it’s a convention on better models of seashells or something, Sam!”

“What’ll you tell your sister?”

“The same thing, of course.”

“Carl…you’re a quality control officer!”

“Who cares? Farrah doesn’t give a damn about what I do so long as I pay the rent. We move to Manehattan…sign up for the most well-paying job we can get, no matter how rotten or miserable it is, so long as it pays a ridiculous amount…pay our rents and bills back home with what we skim off of it and stash the rest…and at the end of the month, our income brackets get locked in before it’s registered that we changed addresses. You use that higher income level to get the loan and we put down what we’ve got as a down payment on it…by that time hopefully the job market in Ponyville has improved…and we quit our jobs, come back home, and you pay for the wedding.”

“What if the job market doesn’t improve, Carl?”

“Who cares? You paid for the wedding, didn’t you? G.I. Wanna-Kill-You goes home and then you and Dawn can discuss everything and BS the rest to him…after your honeymoon, of course.”

Sam sighed. “Carl…there’s two problems with your plan…both of them being things that I generally try to avoid like equine spongiform encephalopathy: breaking the law and lying to Dawn.”

Carl frowned. “And there’s one problem with your reasoning, Sam…you already lied to Dawn and Stonewall once to save your ass.”

The blue stallion couldn’t come up with a retort to that. He bowed his head and sighed.

“It’s only a little illegal, Sam. It’s basically cheating on taxes. And that’s something everypony would do if they could! The Canterlot Adjustors are after those big companies, not after some little guy who’s trying to fund a wedding! And falsifying an address is like the ‘jaywalking’ of the tax world! You can always lie and say you had a brain fart and filled in the wrong address on the form!”

Sam was still reluctant. Carl sighed and leaned in forward.

“Dude…do you really have any better ideas?”

The stallion hesitated a bit longer, thinking things over. A part of him didn't want to take the risk, didn't want to lie, and definitely didn't want to go on this whole risky, cockamamy plan. However...considering all the desperation he had been in...how much abuse he had taken over the past couple days, first by Pencil Pusher and then by Stonewall...not to mention how much he had been mocked when he tried to do things 'legitimately'...it was enough to push him "over the edge". Finally, he reached a decision. Putting a hoof down on the table, he looked up to Carl.

“Alright…you’re right. And even if it is a bit illegal…who cares?”

“Exactly!” Carl responded.

“It’s a stupid law to begin with! I mean…I paid my taxes for years honestly and our national defense is six mares with gold collars!”

“Damn straight!”

“And I got royally screwed by Pencil Pusher yesterday and he didn’t have to pay a single bit for that! At least I’m doing this for a noble cause!”

“Hell yeah!”

Sam paused for a moment, nodding to himself, and then finally looked more intently to Carl. “…Let’s do it. Tonight, we give the stories to Dawn and Farrah…and tomorrow morning we hit Manehattan hard.”

“Now you’re talking! That’s the Sam I know!”

Both stallions seized their respective drinks, chugged them both down in seconds, and slammed the glasses on the ground, shattering them, both getting psyched up now.

“Let’s blow this café and go kick some ass!”

“F*** yeah!”

They both turned to leave, when a voice yelled out that made them both freeze.

“Hey! You two are going to pay for those drinks and those glasses before you walk out of here!”

Both lost a bit of thunder at that, looking to each other and grimacing. With more embarrassed mutters, they went for their respective wallets, put a few bits on the table, replaced them, and then resumed their dangerous looks before moving out.

To be continued...

Author's Note

Farrah's full name is Farrahlacy ("Fallacy") if I don't get to it. The child's name she mentions, No-Neck, is a reference to "No-Necked Monsters" from "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof".

To explain Sam's job...

Ponies mostly communicate through letter, either via dragonfire (just the fire, mind you, not an actual dragon as not everyone gets to have a dragonservant like Twilight) or snail mail (as seen in "Putting Your Hoof Down"). However, if they need to find an address, they call up on operator on magical seashells in this. "Why not just use the seashells to talk to who they want to contact?" Shh...Carl will find out about that...

Chapter 2 - Two Background Ponies Make a Delivery

Twelve hours later, and the two were on the “open road”.

Well, open road was something of a relative term in Equestria. Seeing as they needed to save their cash, there wasn’t going to be a train ride to Manehattan. Instead, hitching up Carl’s used Hevvy wagon, the two went out as a “yoke” to go cross country. At the moment, they were rapidly galloping across the countryside, the wind blowing in their manes as they dashed along. Yet in spite of the good speed they were kicking up, there were many other fast-moving wagons on the road too, and some of them moving a lot quicker.

Abruptly, one creature passed them…what looked like a giant boar the size of Carl and Sam and their wagon, and who splashed through an amount of mud that kicked up and sprayed up and splattered in both of their faces. Both of them grimaced as they saw him ride on.

“…I hate road hogs.” Sam grumbled.

“That’s ok…I’ve got wipers on this thing.” Carl answered as he moved his head over to one of the support struts on his side, over what looked like a small button, and pressed it with his snout. Immediately, a small compartment opened on the wagon, allowing a pair of mice with squeegees to run out along either rail to either pony and wipe off their faces with them. Unfortunately for Sam, it only seemed to rub off a few streaks and left most of the mud behind before they turned and ran back in. Seeing this, Carl grimaced and shrugged.

“Sorry…the wiper blade on that side is busted.”

Sam shook his face a few times and groaned. “Whatever… Right now, it’s the least of my problems. I gave Dawn the news.”

“What’d she say?”

He sighed. “Not only did she barely buy it, but Stonewall was there and he gave me a look like I was heading out to have an affair. I’m sure that’s what he’s continuously telling her, too… Dude, I’m not sure we can make it a month. He’s going to be trying to sell Dawn on a different boyfriend ever…”

Suddenly, a horn rang out from the opposing lane as Sam went wide-eyed and he and Carl quickly swerved the wagon back into their lane. He looked to Carl, and saw he was leaning down trying to sip some coffee out of a caddy he had strapped to his chest.

“What the Hell, man? Watch your driving!”

“Oh, come off it! We didn’t hit anyone!” Carl shot back. “But we will if I fall asleep at the reins!”

“You knew we were heading to Manehattan, man! Why did you stay up late last night?”

“I was trying to see if I could find a Marble Creamery open in the next town over. I looked until 3 AM and couldn’t find one.”

Sam groaned and rolled his eyes.

“Anyway, the important thing is to just keep her calm until ‘Sergeant Slaughter’ leaves town. It’ll be easier after that. Besides, doesn’t she trust that I’m with you?”

Sam gave him a look. “…Dude, you never really picked up on the fact that Dawn doesn’t really like you, did you?”

Carl raised an eyebrow. “Really?”

“Well, she never really forgave you for getting on her best friend’s case all night that her voice seemed to keep changing. Even after we both told you to drop it.”

“Hey, it was legitimate! The mare’s voice is always different whenever I pass by her on the street or at the supermarket! It might be cancer, man! She should have it checked out!”

“…Then the one time we went to the movies together, you talked for almost the entire film about how no matter how you spread Zap Apple jam, it always still makes a neat rainbow…”

Carl frowned. “That’s pretty messed up, you have to agree.”

“All I know is you better not pull that stuff at the wedding. I barely got her to accept you as the best stallion, and Stonewall is likely to grind you up for low-grade dog chow if you do anything to ruin it.”

“…Sam, you ever think that maybe getting married to a mare that anal with a dad that psychotic isn't a good idea?”

Sam gave him an angry look. “Do not start, Carl. You’re the one who can’t drop anything and who gets into all sorts of sh’t because of it.”

“Yeah…” Carl dully answered. “And I’m also the one who had to come up with a plan to bail you out that you’d never have thought of.” He grumbled, before looking forward again. Suddenly, he looked up more. “There it is…”

Sam looked as well, and both ponies saw it as they ran down the latest hill. Spreading far and wide in the distance, the city of Manehattan in all of its glory, spread as far as they eye could see in both directions and filled with buildings taller and more sophisticated than the two had ever seen in their lives, all while overlooking the wide sea.

“Whoa…I’ve never seen it like this before…” Sam admitted. “It’s a lot bigger than I read about…”

“Yup…the ‘Big Sugarcube’ herself.” Carl added.

“I dunno, Carl. I’m not exactly a ‘big city pony’…”

“Aw Hell, Sam. We got through Canterlot easy enough. This won’t be that bad.”

“I’m not even sure I can find that condo in all of that…”

“Relax.” Carl answered. “Last Hearth’s Warming Eve, I got a Gremlin GPS system.” With that, while running, one of his hooves went back and slammed into the rear of the wagon. “Hey! Gremlin! Wake up and tell us how to get to 4731 Meadowbrook Terrace!”

Abruptly, the “seat” region of the wagon opened up like a lid, and out came a rather grumpy and sore looking green, long-eared creature.

“You know…you could throw some food in there from time to time…” He grumbled. “A bowl of ramen…a box of raisins…a Pop Tart… Or how about a pack of smokes? None of those damn Alpacas, either…”

“Hey!” Carl snapped back. “I didn’t ask for a lecture!”

“Asshole…” The gremlin muttered as he put on a pair of glasses and pulled out a road atlas from within the compartment. Unfolding it in front of him, he exhaled. “Alright…take Exit 52.”

“Dude, we just passed Exit 52 a mile ago. Come on! Get your head in the game!”

“Alright, alright! Give me a second…” He paused after saying that, then rolled his eyes and then sighed. “I mean…” He held up his hands on either side of them and shook them in an exaggerated manner. “Recalculating…”

An hour later, Sam was having second and third thoughts about this plan.

The truth was he had only heard about the neighborhood of this place from his dad, who was the only one who had gone out to actually see it, and that was nearly ten years ago at this point. Now that he was finally coming to the place itself, he saw that not a whole lot had improved in ten years. Although both ponies were forced to slow down now that they were in town and looking for their destination, they were looking around rather uneasily.

While the sounds of police sirens rang in the distance, the two ponies struggled to avoid stepping into garbage, scum, and what looked like “meadow muffins” spread all over the street in piles. Most of the buildings were dilapidated and falling apart, and the fronts were lined with shady-looking, beefy thugs who were pulling the wings off of some poor pegasus or mares wearing trashy clothing and too much makeup snorting “bute” out of makeup tins. Used oral syringes littered the sidewalk in one place while a street graffiti artist was using spray paint to make a mural of Commander Hurricane on a wall of an abandoned ink well plant. Loud music, the sounds of fighting, and the occasional sound of what had to be a magic-missile-shot went out everywhere as they moved along.

“…I kind of wish I had bought a rifle from Stonewall now.” Sam muttered. “I think I’d feel safer being a Luna-worshipper in Saddle Arabia.”

“Just for a month, Sam…” Carl muttered…although he too was looking uneasy. He turned to the gremlin. “Dude, how much farther is it?”

The gremlin was looking in confusion at the map. “Well…if you would have subscribed for auto-updates, I would have gotten the latest atlas in the mail. At any rate, it should have been here by now…but then again, that street had an unlisted fork…so many we should have gone straight through that last traffic light instead of making a right turn-”

Abruptly, a magic blast from a window, completely stray, blasted a hole through where the gremlin was looking. He stared at it a moment as it slowly smoked, before calmly folding up the atlas and sticking it under his arm. He leaned out and gave a pseudo-smile to both stallions.

“Boys…you’re on your own.”

With that, he immediately went back in the compartment and closed it. Locking sounds were heard on the other side.

“…Quitter.” Carl snorted before looking forward again.

Sam sighed. “At this point, I’m starting to feel like we’ll be lucky if the place isn’t a crackhouse… Maybe we should-”

“Wait…there!”

Sam looked up at Carl’s urging, and saw a street sign up ahead. It was hanging a bit…and riddled with magic blast holes…but it still managed to read “Meadowbrook Terrace” and, below it, in smaller lettering: “4700”.

Carl immediately directed them around the corner, while Sam only looked more uncomfortable. “I don’t think there’s any meadow or brook anywhere near this road…”

“Well, ‘Sh’tty Gang-Filled Neighborhood’ probably didn’t have a nice ‘ring’ to it…” Carl answered with a sigh. “Let’s just look for 4731…”

The two looked around a bit more, before finally settling on one gang-letter-covered, old, somewhat-decayed building complex. The wagon pulled up in front of it, and they halted. Both looked out and over it a moment, and found that the numbers, although a bit askew, clearly read: “4731”.

Carl looked to it a moment, then to Sam. “What do you think?”

Sam exhaled after a moment. “Well…I don’t smell horse piss from here, so it at least has that going for it.”

The two began to undo their connections to the wagon. Once both of them were free, Sam went to the back to start getting out the cleaning supplies and the sleeping bags. As for Carl, as he got out and looked around, he grimaced a bit.

“Terrific…no place to park and the bad part of town… Good thing I brought a ‘Club’.”

With that, he reached into the back of the wagon and pulled out a solid wooden club. He knocked his hoof against the side of it afterward, causing one of the mice to open its compartment and look out at him. Immediately, he thrust the club in its tiny arms, knocking it over.

“Now don’t let anyone touch the wagon.” He told the rodent. “Make sure you keep an eye on the hubcabs.”

Several minutes later, the two ponies had made their way to the third floor. Both of them had a large number of cleaning supplies straddled around their bodies as they made their way along, looking at the numerous signs of wear, tear, decay, and rot. Both of them looked rather uneasy at the whole thing, although Carl was definitely holding on better.

Sam was nearly swallowing. “Dude…I don’t think even a week long cleaning is going to do much in here. Some of that trash on the first floor fossilized. And that mildew spot we went by said: ‘Feed me…’”

“Relax, man.” Carl answered as he patted his own set of things. “This cleaner I got is industrial strength. If it was any stronger you could melt your way into a bank vault with it. After an hour, the place won’t even be capable of supporting life.”

“…I’m not sure it’s capable of supporting life now, Carl…”

The two soon reached the door to the condo. Both looked to each other once, exhaled, and then turned back. Sam fished out the key from his stuff and put it in the lock. He gave it a turn…only to pause and groan. “Terrific…”

“What’s wrong?” Carl asked.

“The door wasn’t locked. Either someone broke in or dad didn’t lock it when he left. That was ten years ago, man. There could be anything in there.”

Carl sighed and shook his head. “We’ll just have to deal with it. If we don’t get this thing clean in a hurry, we’ll never make it to that agency before they close.”

Inhaling a bit, Sam reached out and pushed open the door.

Both ponies immediately winced and recoiled as an old, stale, and rotten aroma filled their nostrils. The apartment itself had flies buzzing as well as bags of trash mounded everywhere so much with other bits of garbage, some paper waste but some food waste, spread everywhere. A number of roaches went scurrying on entering.

“Aw, Celestia! You gotta be kidding me!” Sam cried as he covered his snout.

“It smells like a grease trap…garlic…moth balls…and some sweaty dude’s nutsack in there!” Carl groaned. “Ugh! It’s like tear gas!”

“Feels like it’s laying eggs in my brain!” Sam threw in. “I feel like there’s damn flesh-eating bacteria in the air!”

Carl looked a bit more, then suddenly froze. “Dude…sick! There’s so much filth in there it’s actually moving away from the light!”

Sam looked as well. Soon, he noted one of the trash bags shifting. He went a bit wide-eyed.

“…That’s not filth, man. I think that’s some kind of animal…”

Both stallions stared a bit longer, and then began to step back…when the trash bag suddenly snapped up, and a hobo abruptly popped out from under it, looking around in surprise and confusion, for he seemed to be a bit drunk already.

As for Sam and Carl, they both jumped in surprise. “AAAH!”

The hobo immediately turned to them and did the same “Aah!”

“AAAAAH!”

“Aaaah!”

Both side shared screams for a moment, looking at each other, before the hobo seemed to calm down first. Relaxing, he looked at both of them, a bit puzzled, as they screamed a bit longer. Finally, they cut off as well, and just stared at him. When they did, he offered a weak smile.

“Oh…sorry, gents.” He said as he removed his old ball cap and tipped it. “You frightened me. My daily ‘siesta’ is usually from 10 to 12. Welcome to ‘Casa Pie de Rata’…finest bed and breakfast for the derelict and transient community for five years running. Our current rate is half of a six-pack per night, or you can take advantage of our special running right now and have the entire weekend for a jar of expired painkillers, a porno magazine, and four newspapers. Unfortunately, we’re booked solid for the next month unless the gentleman in Room 2 passed away last night and I haven’t had time to check yet…”

Carl and Sam both stared blankly a moment longer, before Sam sighed. “Dude…this is my condo.”

The hobo raised his eyebrows a bit. “Oh? Well, it is a very lovely place you have here, sir. It’s the talk of Manehattan, really. They did a special on it last February…”

Sam sighed. “That’s fascinating…now can you get out of here?”

He blinked. “…But I haven’t served breakfast to late risers yet. It’s one of our specialties today: expired bargain value macaroni and cheese with a side of two-day-old donuts.”

The blue stallion groaned. “Dude…get out of here! And tell whoever else is in there to leave too!”

The hobo frowned as he began to extract himself. “Very well…but I am not waking up the MacPheresons. They’ve been our patrons for three years now and I treat my faithful guests with respect…”

Both ponies facehooved.

As it turned out, once they finally got rid of the derelicts (including the crazy ones who tried to use their shoes to call the police on grounds of private property violations), the cleaning went better than one would think. They basically slipped up some rubber teeth-masks and tossed all the garbage and then continuously used Carl’s industrial strength cleaner everywhere until the tiny screams of parasites and bacteria ceased. Once all of that was done, and it was impossible to breathe the air in the condo directly without passing out from the fumes, the two quickly threw in their sleeping bags and whatever other items they had brought with them, such as some easy chairs, small tables, a minifridge, and whatever non-perishable food they had from home, as well as plenty of writing materials and some dragon fire that Sam had swiped from work as “severance”, the two went back out, hitched themselves to the wagon, and then moved out.

Finding the employment agency wasn’t too terrible bad. Plus, it seemed to be on the “better” part of town…or, more appropriately, right on the border of the train tracks that separated “smooth, classy, and sophisticated” from “rough, tacky, and drooling”. Just over the edge they found the large sign for “Bit Chompers Job Placement”, and both readily moved to it, parked the wagon in the lot, and then headed inside.

There were quite a few ponies already in, some looking more desperate than others. It caused a small amount of anxiety among the two. They themselves were pretty desperate for a job, but these ponies might want it even more and come in all the time. Plus, even if the job was terrible, if it paid good that was enough to attract someone straight off the street wanting work. However, they were encouraged a bit as the crowds moved fast, and each one left looking happier and more hopeful than before.

At last, the two were brought inside, and sat before a unicorn with narrow glasses and a business collar. She didn’t seem the friendliest type, as she looked over their resumes and job listings before her, her horn levitating a pen that left a mark here and there. They both ended up sitting there silently for about five minutes, waiting for her to come up with something.

“…So, Mr. Incarlsistency and Mr. Lys-Stensto-Carl-Sehproble…”

Sam swallowed. “Actually, that’s ‘Listens-To-Carl’s-Problems’. It’s Equestrian, not Chevalese.”

“What exactly are you looking for in a job?”

“Something that makes money.” Carl immediately answered.

The agent gave him a narrow look. “…Could you be more specific?”

Carl blinked. “…Something that makes an assload of money?” He suggested.

Sam sighed and looked to her. “Look…we’re really desperate for money right now, so we’ll take whatever pays the most that we’re qualified for, even if it’s a terrible job or overnight. We both want to be hired together, though.”

Carl looked to him. “I dunno, Sam. Maybe we should ‘divide and conquer’.”

Sam frowned at him. “Someone’s got to keep you from going ballistic, dude.”

The agent looked down and over the sheets. “…It says here both of you were fired from your last job, rather than quitting or letting go.”

“Oh, well…we had good reasons for that, though.” Sam interjected. “The guy at my place was a royal d*****bag who stole my promotion that I had earned and worked toward for months, and then fired me so he could take my salary for himself. He even purposely waited until 11:58 AM so that he could cheat me out of half a day of pay.”

The agent looked up to him with a dull expression.

Carl frowned at Sam. “Dude…right now, you should like a paranoid schizophrenic. Why don’t you just say he was trying to control your brain with radio waves while you’re at it?”

“What about you?” The agent asked. “How did you end up fired?”

The green stallion looked to her. “Oh…I tried to stab my coworker with a dull horseshoe when they pissed me off by drinking a ‘Speedy’s’ milkshake.”

The agent stared back blankly, then looked back to her forms. “…I’m afraid neither of you are eligible for ‘contract’ or ‘salary’ employment.”

Sam, meanwhile, snapped to Carl with a wide-eyed look. “And you gave me a hard time?!” He said in a harsh whisper. “Are you trying to get fitted for a facemask muzzle?!”

“Dude, if she’s smart enough to know how much those milkshakes suck, then she’ll understand!” Carl whispered back.

The blue stallion was about to clonk Carl over the head with his hoof, when the agent looked back up, and both of them quickly snapped forward and were attentive once again. She exhaled as she removed her glasses.

“I’m going to be perfectly honest with you two… There aren’t too many openings available for two ponies of your background…especially when one of you has a Find-the-Difference picture for a Cutie Mark and the other has an odd fungus…”

Sam frowned.

“At the moment, there’s only three. The first is overnight keepers at the Manehattan Zoo.”

Both ponies looked up a bit at that. “That might be good.”

“We both love animals.”

“You wouldn’t actually be working with the animals. They have specialists for that.” The agent explained. “Your duty would be more along the lines of scrubbing barf and feces out of the cages.”

The two grimaced at that.

“The next job would be working at an adult movie theater on the overnight shift.”

Both looked even more uncomfortable.

“Um…like…working the register?”

“Or…serving popcorn?”

“Cleanup detail.”

Both ponies gave a mutual shudder of revulsion. “I’m a little nervous as to what ‘door number three’ is…” Carl muttered.

“The third option is overnight delivery men.

Sam blinked on hearing that. “Are you kidding? We’ll take it!”

The agent raised an eyebrow. “I wouldn’t be so eager. This is overnight, which means you’ll be working in the dark. It’s bad enough trying to find your way around Manehattan during the day. You won’t get much in the way of tips, which is part of the reason it pays around 60 bits an hour…”

Carl nearly did a double-take. “60 bits an hour?! I’d make more in two hours at that job than I’d make an entire day at my old one!”

The unicorn sighed. “Yes, but you’ll be going into a lot of dark places in town. Delivery trucks are one of the most frequent targets for vandals, thieves, and looters in this city…especially at night. Some well-established companies see as much as 5% ‘shrinkage’ on average. Naturally, for small startup delivery companies like the ones you’ll be working for, you’ll see a lot more. There are some hazards to ‘life and limb’.”

“Ma’am…I consider ‘getting an STD from a theater seat cushion’ a real hazard to life and limb.” Sam immediately retorted.

“Yes. Please sign us up for that job before someone else takes it.” Carl added eagerly.

The agent paused a moment, then gave a shrug. “Very well. Since they signed up for us, it won’t take long at all for you to get cleared with the company. Just give me your residing address, I’ll mail your uniforms to it by tomorrow morning along with the address of where you’ll be working, and with any luck you’ll begin work tomorrow afternoon.”

“Awesome.” Carl grinned back.

“Thank you very much, ma’am.” Sam added.

Both ponies looked to each other excitedly as they rose.

The thought of pulling in 60 bits an hour was nearly enough to make Sam swoon. He thought for sure that no one without a college degree or tech school could pull in that kind of cash. All the way back to the condo, he ran over how much money he could expect to get from all of this. Assuming 25% still went to taxes in one form or another, they could still bring home 45 dollars an hour apiece, for a total of 90 bits an hour. That was 3600 bits a week, or 14,400 bits by the end of the month. The thought nearly made him salivate. Pulling in that kind of cash would easily allow him to get a 10-year 100,000 bit loan. Perhaps Carl’s idea wasn’t so bad after all…

The two headed back and eagerly waited for tomorrow like foals at Hearth’s Warming Eve. As dangerous as this was, Sam kept thinking about how the stats were still in their favor at never having an incident. He could barely sleep that night. Well…the scent of bleach, the hardness of the floor, and the fact that at least eight hobos knocked on their door asking if there were any vacancies helped…but mostly it was eagerness for the next day. He managed somehow, though. After all, he didn’t want to fall asleep on his first day on the job.

The next morning, bright and early, the mail brought a package with their uniforms and the address. They weren’t terribly outstanding. The same uniforms any delivery worker would wear, but they’d do fine. After that, they loaded up and began to move out to the address. As an added bonus, the delivery company was still in the less “high income” part of town, but far from the urban decay portions.

As they went along, Carl let out a laugh. “Whoa man! I still can’t believe how much money we’re going to make at this job! I can’t believe I wasted my life at quality control! Dude…” He looked to Sam. “We might bring in more than that! I just realized we’re delivery guys at a 24 hour service! We could get tips!”

“I don’t know about that…” Sam answered, but kept smiling. “But I’ll admit, this is pretty sweet. This must be what most ponies living in this city have to shell out just to have a low-income living…but for a place like Ponyville we’re pretty high-on-the-hog.”

Carl grinned a bit longer, before his smile ebbed a bit. “…Still, dude, I’m kind of puzzled at all this. I mean…even if this job really is dangerous and demanding…60 bits an hour is a lot.”

“Don’t start knocking it now, Carl.” Sam responded. “You’re the one who thought we’d find a job like this coming into Manehattan. Let’s just focus on doing the best job we can and then getting out of here in a month.”

In the end, considering the size and complexity of the city, the two took about 40 minutes to finally reach their destination. By now, the sun was already starting to go down and near the horizon. Within a reconfigured warehouse taking up a large portion of a block was the company: “Solar Cycle Express”. After pulling around to the back, flashing their new name tags/badges, and parking in the employee lot, the two exited and began to head inside.

There wasn’t much to the building itself. After all, it was just a startup company. Aside from a few desks in one large room arranged in cubicles, there wasn’t much in the way of office space either. The two were directed by the sole secretary at the door to head to the back room, where a rather obese pony with a beard and white shirt was seated at a desk, waiting for both of them. As they ended, he first gave them both “hoofbumps” before they took their seats, much as they had with the agent, and sat before him.

“Gentleponies…welcome to Solar Cycle Express.” He stated as he sat down. “My name is Package Deal. You must be our new employees sent by Bit Chompers.”

Sam gave a nod. “Yes sir. I’m Sam Listens-To-Carl’s-Problems, and this is Incarlsistency.”

“Welcome aboard, gentleponies.” The large pony responded. “So…have either of you ever worked a delivery service before?”

The two looked to one another, then looked back. “Well…not exactly…”

“Not professionally…”

“Well, it’s very straightforward.” Package answered. “Both of you have wagon licenses, so you’ll be using the delivery company wagons. Nothing much to it. We’re a branch office, so most of the ‘thinking’ work was done at the relay offices. When you go into the warehouse, you’ll see the delivery chute. That takes in packages that get dropped off from the branch office. The packages come in at any hour, and we immediately take it to where it needs to go in Manehattan, any hour. Don’t worry…the people who get the 24 hour deliveries know we’re going to be there, so they’ll be open. And they have to be, because they have to sign. So, mostly, it’s a matter of reading addresses quickly and then getting the packages out. Got it so far?”

“Yup.”

“You bet.”

Package shrugged. “And that’s pretty much all there is to it. Most of the hazard comes from, you know, navigating the city…especially the bad parts. That comes with experience. And you need to get there fast. We are a 24 hour delivery service, and it’s not that good if we can’t get the packages to their destinations quickly.”

“Got it.”

“Right.”

Package leveled his gaze harder now, his smile ebbing a bit, and actually unnerving Sam and Carl a little.

“Here’s the most important part for a rookie employee. We’re a young, emerging company. We’re still building our reputation. Starting out, we understand speed may be a bit lacking for new deliverymen. However…one thing that will not, I repeat, not be tolerated from any employee is damage to a package. The packages must arrive complete and undamaged to the destination. Guard the packages with your life and make sure they arrive at the destination and get signed for. Once again, do not let the packages get damaged. If you fail to do so, I’m sorry…but you will immediately be sacked. Especially in the first couple weeks. Do I make myself clear?”

Both ponies were a bit nervous on hearing how serious Package Deal was about all of this, but they weren’t about to dispute their boss on the first day. They both gave a nod. “Crystal clear.”

“No problem, boss.”

His smile returned, and immediately he began to get up.

“Well then…welcome aboard and good night.”

As he stood to full height, both Sam and Carl looked confused.

“Er…pardon, sir?”

“I’m heading home, boys.” He answered. “Since this is a pretty new branch office, most of our deliveries come in during the day. You boys are the official deliverymen for our ‘night crew’. It’ll just be you and the slip handler working the window. So…get in the back, familiarize yourself with the training sheets on the walls and everything else, ask the slip handler if you need any help, and then off you go!”

“But…aren’t you going to train us at all?” Sam asked.

Package chuckled as he moved around to the door. “Please…this is an easy job, and so few deliveries come at night at this point that you’ll not have any problems. Besides, this will work out great for you. You’ll get some real experience in a ‘school of hard knocks’. Just get the package to its place, don’t let it get damaged, and you’ll do fine. See you tomorrow!”

Sam began to interject. “But…what if we get confused? Or have a real question?”

“Yeah!” Carl answered. “Like where’s the nearest Marble Creamery that’s still-”

It was too late. Package Deal left the door to the small office and shut it behind him. Not only that, but through the window the two saw that the few members of the staff still there were getting up and leaving as well. Both ponies blinked a bit on seeing this.

“Sheesh…and I thought the people back at Quality Control were eager to get out of here in a rush…” Sam remarked.

“Seems kind of weird that they’re just giving us the full run of the place on the first day…” Carl muttered.

“Unless this job is so pathetic that they don’t need to bother…or our resumes were so padded they think too much of us…” Sam answered. Afterward, he gave him a pat on the shoulder. “Come on…let’s get in the warehouse and see what we can dig up.”

A few hours later, and Sam was beginning to wonder about the agency.

The two had moved into the back room and started looking over everything. Sure enough, there were lots of charts with safety regulations, proper lifting techniques, and standards for the company as well as a few manuals, but all of it, aside from the proper way to fill out a slip, was pretty basic. The branch office had three large delivery wagons ready, and the two made sure they could hitch up to one as quickly as possible. There was the delivery chute. It was connected outside but blocked off with those rubber strips so one couldn’t see the outdoors. Other than that…not much of anything. Just a window office that was sealed off to the “slip handler”: a grizzled old mare with a hearing aid who, between the hearing aid and talking through a voice speaker, seemed incapable of saying a thing to anyone.

At first, the two had been looking everywhere and reading everything. However, after two hours had gone by…they found themselves sitting in the employee lounge on the side. Four hours after that…they were still sitting there.

Sam was reading one of the employee manuals, although it was the third time he had done so now. Carl, on the other hand, was playing with a roll of packing tape and sighing loudly. He looked to the time, and then emitted a groan.

“Damnit, if I knew we’d be jumping right in tonight, I’d have packed a lunch… That guy never told us what we’re supposed to do for breaks or meal periods… I’m not even sure we get one.”

“Ask the slip handler.” Sam answered as he turned a page.

The green stallion grimaced. “I gave up trying to talk to her an hour ago, around the time I found out I could call her a dirty name and she’d still just answer: ‘What?’ I’m almost wondering if she can’t speak Equestrian and that’s all she can say…”

“If you’re bored, read the map again.” Sam answered, still not looking up. “We’ve got to memorize that, after all.”

Carl sighed. “Damn, this is boring. I almost want to go to the bad part of town if it means something actually happens…”

“Well go right ahead and leave me out of it.” Sam retorted. “So long as we’re collecting bits just by sitting here, I’d rather get my paycheck from that rather than get the crap kicked out of me by some roving gang to get some cash. We don’t get health insurance, dude. Part of that has to come from our paycheck if we get in the hospital.”

“Even with that, man, you got to admit…something seems screwy about this. It’s a pretty cushy job, all in all.” Carl responded. “Both of us have made a good 160 bits just sitting around here waiting for something to happen. I don’t really see how this is supposed to stack up against scrubbing animal vomit or touching things no pony should ever have to touch…”

“Like I said…just count your blessings Carl.” Sam answered. “With any luck, most of our nights will be like this. We can’t screw up this job if there’s nothing to screw up.”

The green stallion merely groaned and leaned his head down again. “I just wish I knew when the break was so I could look for a place to get a shake, at least…”

Two hours later, even Sam was almost nodding off. The employee manual was spread over his head as he nodded and leaned back. As for Carl, he had decided to eschew any form of decorum and was spread out on the table, using it like a bed and not seeming to care who thought anything about it. Both were nodding off and nearly snoring at this point. As time ticked closer to 2 AM, the two buddies were nearly about to fall asleep…

That was when a sound like a mutant cricket suddenly blared through the entire warehouse area.

Immediately Sam snorted and bolted his head upright. Carl flailed about so abruptly that it snapped loose the “catch” on the table’s legs, which could fold, and suddenly slammed to the floor.

“Ow! What the f*** was that?!” Carl snapped as he sorely leaned up from the ground.

“Is that a damn fire alarm?” Sam said as he shot to his feet and looked around.

Suddenly, there was a blip of static over an unseen intercom, followed by a voice of an old lady…likely the slip handler.

“Incoming delivery.”

Carl frowned as he got to his feet and looked over to the window. “Yeah, just tell us that next time! Don’t make it look like we’re going to get devoured by radioactive locusts!”

“What?”

Carl sighed. “Nevermind.”

“What?”

“I said nevermind!”

“What?”

The green stallion rolled his eyes and muttered an expletive. As for Sam, he stretched a bit, cracking his neck, before moving over to the slip handler window. A moment later, she pushed out a piece of paper through the slot to him, which he took up in his teeth before groggily going back over to Carl, who looked around a bit himself before sighing.

“Damnit, they don’t even have coffee in here…”

Sam reached him and put the slip down on the remains of the table before letting out a yawn. “Just slap yourself, dude. This is our first job. We need to stay awake to get it where it needs to go. First impressions.”

“Yeah, yeah…” Carl grumbled in response as he moved over to the slip and looked over it. “Must be pretty important if these people need it at 2 AM… What are we shipping? Medical supplies?”

Sam looked over the slip. “No…sprinkles.”

Carl paused, giving Sam a look.

“…Sprinkles? That’s the big delivery?”

“To a 24 hour bakery. Apparently they’re the perishable kind and they have to be rush delivery.” Sam answered as he looked over the slip more.

“…They’re sprinkles, dude. You don’t even have to refrigerate them!”

“Whatever. Who cares so long as they keep us employed, and they’re something that can’t get ruined. It’s supposed to be guaranteed fresh, though. So we need to move fast.”

Carl merely sighed as he moved over to the delivery chute and stood at the bottom. “I still think this is a bit silly, but you’re right. Who cares so long as we get paid for it? How much are they sending?”

Sam looked over the slip for a moment.

“…Well?”

“Hang on, Carl. This thing is hard to read… It says: ‘(1) Box, large’.”

Carl snorted again. “An overnight delivery service to deliver a big box of sprinkles. I guess if you’re a big enough deal, though, that’s something you need to-”

The green stallion was cut off as the package suddenly came through the chute and sailed down to him. Soon, Carl was getting bowled over as a refrigerator-sized box slammed into him, knocking the wind out of him, before he was slammed to the floor and pinned under it. Sam immediately dropped the slip and gaped.

“Holy sh’t!”

Carl merely grunted and moaned, both in pain and at being pinned as Sam blinked. A moment later, he looked to the slip, snatched it up, and looked it over.

“I didn’t think these numbers were the actual dimensions and weight if they were just sprinkles, but…damn! It really is this big and weighs more than an adult horse! How many sprinkles do they need?”

“Would you stop worrying about how big the box is and just get it the f*** off of me, you asshole?!” Carl suddenly shouted. “It’s cutting off the feeling to my legs!”

Sam immediately dropped the slip again and rushed over to Carl’s side. Putting his hooves on one end, leaning into it, and grunting, the two managed to slowly push it off of Carl. He gasped for air afterward, clearly sore and remaining on the ground. However, Sam quickly ran over to the other side and grabbed one end, beginning to pull.

“Carl, get off the floor! I need your help lifting this!”

Carl grumbled in response. “…No, I’m fine Sam. No permanent broken bones, Sam. No lasting injuries, Sam. Thanks for showing your concern, Sam…”

“Dude, just get up and help me with this damn thing! It says ‘This End Up’! I don’t want to get fired on my first delivery!”

Grumbling, Carl managed to get back on his feet. Moving over to Sam’s side, the two pushed the box up and steadied it. It was a bit of work just to do that, but in the end, after panting and sweating a bit, they stood back from it and looked at it.

“Damnit, these bakeries don’t kid around with sprinkles…” Carl muttered.

Sam looked to the side and raised an eyebrow. “’50 million count’? I guess it makes sense. How many things do we eat in a day that have sprinkles in them?”

“Ugh…we’re gonna need the jack…and I’m going to need a chiropractor…”

“Fine…let’s just load it up and get it out of here. More stuff might come in while we’re gone…”

An hour later…and the first delivery was definitely confirmed to “not be going well”.

Sure enough, as luck would have it, the delivery was to a darker and seedier part of town. Not quite the level of urban blight that the two had encountered earlier, but certainly not a place you would want to take your family for an outing. The neighborhood the two found themselves roaming around inside seemed to be poorly lit with a distinct decrease in the number of police officers on duty, and the few ponies they passed by didn’t seem to be of the wholesome sort, and they usually either broke up their conversations and scattered into the darkness like cockroaches, or they gave a dirty look to the two of them as they went along, seeming to stare too long at them. It didn’t help that their own wagon stuck out like a sore thumb. The streets of this neighborhood were practically empty, and the bright coloration logo of Solar Cycle made them more than obvious.

It may not have been where they lived (and the two realized it was probably a good thing that they were working overnights so they didn’t have to deal with the danger of actually residing in that neighborhood at night), but it was still nerve-wracking. Both of them were eager to drop off the package and be gone. Unfortunately, they were having a hard time finding the street, especially with the damaged street signs and heavy amount of darkness.

At the bare minimum, however, this was one of those “enclosed yoke” wagons. They actually had a metal covering with windshield over them, and slats in the floor where their feet went out to actually walk. It gave a sense or protection…even if it made things hard to see through window glares.

Sam looked out one window. “What’s that one sign we’re coming up on? I can’t read it…”

Carl looked out as well. “It’s Valley Way.”

“I think that’s our turn.”

“No, we need ‘Valley Run’.”

“Didn’t we pass Valley Run back there?”

“No, that was Valley Chase.”

Sam groaned. “This sucks, dude. I feel like we’re practically tempting the gangs to attack us by making the same loops around the same blocks…”

Carl looked back to the cab with a shrug. “At least this place is enclosed. Makes me feel a bit safer. Besides, check it out.”

His hooves went up and leaned on the dashboard as he reclined.

“Pretty nice, eh?”

Sam, however, grunted and struggled now that he was the only one pulling the load, and snapped to Carl.

“Dude!”

Carl blinked, then realized it. “Oh yeah…sorry…” He immediately lowered his hooves and walked again.

Sam sighed and looked to the slip again, then back up. “Alright…we’re on Brook Drive. The place is supposed to be on Brook Drive. But I haven’t seen a bakery anywhere.”

“We got on it too soon, Sam. I told you back at the place it was three lefts, a right, two more lefts, three rights, and a left.”

“…Wait, you told me two lefts, two rights, two more lefts, two more rights, and a left.”

“Yeah, but that would just boil down to one left, so I changed it to three rights, a left, three more lefts, two rights, and a right.”

“Wait! Now you’re screwing me up! I thought that direction was one right, one left, two more rights, a left, and three more lefts before two rights!”

“No man! That was the first set of directions! Now we’re going a left, two rights, another left, two more rights, and a left!”

“…Maybe we should have just written down the road names considering the fact I’m mildly dyslexic.”

Carl groaned and facehooved. “Look…we know the place is on Brook Drive and we’re on Brook Drive. So we just keep going until we run into it or the road changes, then we turn around.”

“Carl, we’ve been on this road for twenty minutes. We can’t be anywhere near the bakery now, and the ponies are looking more nightmarish… I think that one over there has an eye growing out of his cheeks…”

“Then turn us around and go the other way! Maybe we missed it!”

“We can’t go that way! Brook turns into Creek, remember? Or did Brook split off…”

Carl groaned. “Dude…we’re both sleepy and hungry. No wonder we can’t find this place. We’re practically nodding off as it is. Let’s stop somewhere and get a bite to eat.”

Sam frowned. “Carl, we’re on the clock.”

“Yeah…and currently we’re running up the clock roaming around like lost asses. We’ll save them more money in the long run if we get some sugar in our blood. Otherwise we’ll roll right by the bakery even when we find it.”

Sam paused and thought about that for a moment, and finally sighed. “I guess you’re right. I’m so hungry at the moment I can’t really think of anything else… But where can we stop?”

Carl looked forward a bit, and spotted something. He stared a moment, then pointed.

Sam rolled his eyes. “Don’t tell me you found a ‘Marble Creamery’…”

“Nope. That’s a ‘Speedy’s’.”

Sam looked to him in puzzlement. “…Dude, I thought you hated ‘Speedy’s’?”

“I do. That’s why I want to go there. I got a plan to ‘stick it to the mare’ while we’re there.”

The blue stallion groaned. “Fine…but where are we supposed to park? That place is drive through or walk-in only and we can’t fit the delivery wagon through it.”

Carl looked around a bit, and then pointed across the street. “Right there, dude. Check it out. A freight warehouse.”

Sam looked to Carl in surprise. “Carl, those places are only for freight wagons!”

“And what are we? We’re kind of freight. We’ve got the clearance, right?”

“Neither of us can afford a ticket right now for illegal parking!”

“Oh, for the love of Celestia, Sam…do you see any cops anywhere in this neighborhood? We’ll park it right inside, get some food, and then come back! Simple! And look, it’s well lit in the interior! You can see it through the entrance! It’s safer than the street!”

Sam hesitated a moment, then finally groaned. “…Fine. But if any crap comes out of this, it’ll be your ass in hot water, not mine.”

With that, Sam pulled a ripcord that smacked a firefly on the right rear bumper, causing it to start flashing to “signal”, and the two turned the delivery wagon into the warehouse.

The warehouse itself had indeed been well lit, and was stuffed with various freight wagons as well as at least a thousand crates and boxes of various sizes and shapes. However, there didn’t seem to be a watchman, and nopony gave them any trouble for parking their vehicle there. As a result, they found the first open spot in the warehouse, and then quickly exited, locked it up, and then moved out of the open warehouse door. After crossing the street, they soon found themselves at the counter at Speedy’s.

The ‘cheery’ attendants at Speedy’s were reserved for the morning hours. For the late night shift, they had an attendant who looked like they would just as soon urinate in your soda as give you a smile. The fact that this attendant’s hair was in a mess with bags under her eyes didn’t help as she gave them both a sour look.

“Welcome to ‘Speedy’s’, where we give you fast, guaranteed service all day, every day…” The mare stated in a mechanical tone. “May I take your order?”

“I just need something light and with energy.” Sam responded. “So give me a large coffee and a side order of fried clovers.”

“What condiment, sir?”

“What do you have?”

“Ranch dressing, stable dressing, or stall dressing.”

“I’ll take stall.”

The mare looked to Carl next. “And for you, sir?”

Carl gave a sly smile. “I would like 100 apple pies.”

Sam gave him a shocked look, but the mare merely rang it up. After doing so, she slowly sighed. “One moment please.” She turned and began to walk in the back.

“I’m clocking you!” Carl called back. “I’ve got my eyes on the wall clock! You’re already six seconds in!”

As she went back, Sam continued to glare at him. “Carl, what the hell are you doing? Those things are two bits apiece without tax! We don’t have 200 bits to throw around!”

“Like I said, ‘sticking it to the mare’.” Carl answered calmly. “’Speedy’s’ prides itself on being able to make any order in three minutes flat. That’s their ‘Speedy Guarantee’. But I worked the fast food circuit when I was a foal. I know they never have any more than twelve of their pies ready to go at a time before they have to bake more. And popping those little glorified ‘hot pockets’ into the oven takes a good 20 minutes. They’ll never be able to get them out to us this late at night when everything is made fresh. So according to the ‘Speedy Guarantee’, they have to give us the food for free. I’ll have cost them a chunk of change and we’ll get a free meal out of it. Trust me, Sam. It’s no-”

Carl abruptly cut off as the mare returned and set before him and Sam a tray with a large coffee, a side order of fried clovers with stall sauce…and a small pyramid of one hundred apple pies in the little boxes arranged nice and neat. Both ponies stared blankly as the mare went over and pressed a few buttons on the register.

“Your total is 208 bits and 63 nibbles, plus tax. Thank you for coming to ‘Speedy’s’, home of the ‘Speedy Guarantee’.”

Sam’s blue color turned a shade of purple as his shock slowly gave way to anger and he turned to glare at Carl. Carl, on his part, swallowed and looked back to him rather uneasily.

“I, uh…left my wallet at work. Could you get this?”

A few minutes later, Sam’s eyes were narrowed as he walked forward, no longer really having the appetite to eat his fried clovers or drink his coffee, and struggling not to mutter. As for Carl, he seemed to be struggling under the sizable load of 100 apple pies as they crossed the street. Luckily, there didn’t seem to be a whole lot of traffic. After a bit, he looked to him.

“Er…Sam, you can have some of these if you want…I mean, you did pay for them…”

Sam said nothing and didn’t look.

“…In that case, could you carry a few? Not only are they awkward, but…they’re rather hot… Apparently they were able to keep almost all of them fresh and these little boxes don’t insulate worth-”

“You are paying me back every bit, Carl.” Sam finally interjected.

He swallowed. “Yeah, I know that… But…what are we supposed to do with these things?”

“Eat them. You wanted them.”

“…Actually I didn’t. I can’t stand the taste of their pies, especially when all the pies I get are from Sweet Apple Acres. There’s no comparison. These things taste like pitas of sugar goo.”

Sam looked to him with a glare. “…You bought 100 of those damn things, and you never intended to eat even one of them?!”

“…Pretty much.”

The blue stallion groaned and rolled his eyes. “Fine…then throw them in the trash.” He answered as they reached the other side and made for the entrance of the warehouse.

“Dude, that’s 100 pies. That’s such a waste.”

Sam glared harder. “…But it wasn’t a waste to order 100 of them that you never planned to eat?!”

“Well…can’t we give them away or something?”

“It’s almost 3 in the morning, Carl! Who are we going to give them to? Damnit, now the truck is going to smell like processed…HEY!”

Abruptly, Sam dropped the issue as he turned the corner, as well as his coffee and clovers. Carl looked as well and saw the reason.

At least six different shi, or ‘foo dogs’, were currently all over the back of the delivery wagon. The doors were already open, and three of them were snarling and grunting as they handled the large crate in the back.

Immediately, Sam took off for the truck. Carl held a moment, nearly taking off as well, but then saw what Sam did. He frowned, before rushing after him as fast as possible with the pies in tow. “Sam, that was a waste and littering!”

The blue stallion ignored him as he neared the truck. “Hey! Hey you guys! Get off that!”

The six foo dogs looked up to Sam as he neared, stopping in their work. However, rather than run off, the nearest ones began to advance while the ones on the truck hopped off and fell in behind. None of them had very friendly looks. And as they did so, Sam ground to a halt. The one in the lead raised a paw and pointed at him.

“Listen, pony.” He said in a low, dangerous voice. “You just turn yourself around and walk right back out the way you came.”

Sam hesitated a moment at that, but remained bold a moment longer. “That’s our truck over there, man. And…” However, at this point he trailed off again…for the other foo dogs were rapidly coming up behind the first and beginning to form a semi-circle around him, causing his voice to catch in his throat and him to look around.

“Maybe you didn’t hear me the first time…” The one in the lead turned on. “I’ll make this so clear that you should be able to pick it up with those ears… Either you turn around right now and forget what you just saw…or instead of the police report reading you had guys breaking into your truck…it’s going to read they found a couple of earth pony corpses in the back. What’s it going to be?”

Carl, at this point, managed to pull up alongside Sam…but he was lifting the boxes so much that he didn’t look around them. Once there, he pulled them down again, and froze.

“Wow…these guys turned about in a hurry. I figured at least the wimpier ones would have run for it, but up close they all look like the thuggish type…”

“Shut up, Carl…” Sam answered as he swallowed again, looking at the large and intimidating lion-like creatures surrounding him. Finally, however, he gave a nervous smile as he removed one of the apple pies from Sam’s stack.

“Er…maybe we got off on the wrong foot, everyone…” He held the pie up, end aimed out at the one in front of him. “Here, why don’t we share an apple pie? We have more than enough. You! You look like you could use some! See?”

With that, he abruptly mashed his hooves together around the pie, causing it to explode and send a shower of piping hot apple filling out from the pie and the carton…and splashing right in the eyes of the foo dog before him.

Immediately, the thug’s face turned to agony as he bellowed in searing pain and staggered back, clawing for his eyes. The others snapped to him in shock, while Sam quickly grabbed another and blasted it again, this time sending the molten apple up the nose of another thug. He soon screamed.

“Dear Celestia, it’s in my lungs! Graaa!”

Getting the idea, Carl quickly dropped the rest of the pies, seized one of his own, aimed it at the nearest foo dog, and then mashed on it...causing the filling to erupt out the opposite side and land in his own face. Soon, he went into agony too. “Holy sh’t! This crap really is served at 400 degrees Fahrenheit…and it feels like I just opened the Ark of the Covenant!”

Sam quickly grabbed another and doused the one about to attack Carl with it, causing him to scream and recoil as well. He then mashed on two more on the ground with his hooves to splash the fourth and fifth one. Only now did the last one try to flee, only for Sam to pick up one last pie and blast him in the rear end on the buttocks. Immediately, he went to the floor bellowing and struggled to scrape the point of contact on the concrete, trying to get it off before the damage was too bad. As for Sam, forgetting the rest, he seized the still-in-pain Carl and began to drag him past the foo dogs and to the truck. A few took swipes at him, but failed to make contact. On reaching the truck, he quickly opened the cab, practically threw Carl inside, and then got in as well.

“Strap in, dude! We got to get out of here!”

“Ugh…all I can feel is cinnamon…”

“Come on, man! They’re recovering!”

Groggily and sorely, Carl got himself strapped in as Sam did as well. By now, the first few thugs had cleared off enough apple filling to charge after them, but the two responded by quickly backpedaling and smashing the wagon into two of them, causing the others to stumble out of the way, and reared back to nearly smash the wagon into the wall. However, once clear, they both took off at full speed and rushed for the exit. The foo dogs tried to chase after them, but soon they reached the entrance, went out, and tore down the street.

Carl continued to run and cleared his eyes as they went on. Sam himself tried to look behind him, and scowled. “Damnit, this thing doesn’t have rear view mirrors because of the wagon! Carl, are they following us?”

The green stallion groaned and then rolled down the window, putting his head out. “…I can’t see that well, but I think they are…”

“Sh’t! Hang on!”

With Sam directing them, they turned a sharp corner, making the wagon wheels squeal, before galloping again down the new road. About two blocks later, they turned down another, and then a few blocks after that yet another.

“Damn, Sam!” Carl finally said when he was more recovered. “I can’t believe you did that back there!”

“I am not losing this job because a bunch of gang member dogs from Pacesia decided to rob this truck. Especially since we wouldn’t have stopped in the first place if you hadn’t decided to try and get your inane ‘revenge’ on Speedy’s...”

“Dude, will you drop it already? If I hadn’t gotten those apple pies we would have been screwed back there!”

“And we wouldn’t have needed those apple pies if you hadn’t made us park in that warehouse!” He sighed afterward. “Look…forget it. The important thing is if the crate made it alright. Why don’t you hop in the back and check it out?”

“Really? Can you pull me and all of this by yourself?”

“At the moment, I’m so spooked I could probably run with this package all the way to Terra Hoof.”

Carl exhaled, and then disengaged himself before climbing through the back access to the wagon and vanishing into the storage area. After a moment, Carl let out a whistle.

“Wow…there’s all sorts of crud back here. Packing tape, labels, markers, box cutters, two kinds of pallet jacks…”

“Carl, hurry it up! The package!”

There was a pause for a few moments. After short while, Carl came back and grimaced as he looked out the rear window.

“Eh…we have a problem.”

Sam stiffened. “…Please don’t tell me it fell out.”

“No, it didn’t and I shut the back door. But…you know that freshness seal?”

“Yeah?”

“It broke. It must have torn itself on the door handle.”

Sam immediately rolled his eyes and let out a groan. “I don’t believe this! We nearly get our asses kicked by a gang of foo dogs and somehow get away from them without a scratch and the wagon, and you’re telling me we’re still screwed because the damn freshness seal broke?! They told us specifically: complete and undamaged. If the freshness seal is broken, than it’s damaged! Especially if we tell them how it happened! We were on the clock and we shouldn’t have stopped for food!”

Carl sighed and looked back in the cab for a moment. He looked over things for a bit. Suddenly, he looked up. “…No problem, Sam. I got this…”

With that, he vanished back inside. Sam looked up and behind him. “Carl? Carl…what are you doing?”

The only response was some rummaging, moving around, and the sounds of packing tape being yanked and strapped. This continued for a short while, before Carl came back to the opening, climbed out of it, and then strapped himself in again before helping Sam pull the cart. Sam continued to stare at him from the moment he appeared until now.

“Problem solved.”

“…What did you do?”

“There was tons of packing tape back there. I looked around and found some that said ‘freeze on arrival’. Nice and opaque too. I covered the freshness seal tape with it. You’d never know the original tape was there.”

Sam stared blankly. “Carl…”

“Dude, relax. Ok, I was wrong about the warehouse, but I’m right about this. These are sprinkles, man. You can dump them in liquid nitrogen and they’d be fine. They get them, freeze them, and everything is perfectly alright. If they try to claim later that the stuff didn’t say to freeze it, screw ‘em! We’ll just claim that’s how we got it. Besides…it’s not like the container actually opened. It was just the seal that got ripped.”

Sam groaned. “…I don’t like this one bit, Carl. But I guess we don’t really have a choice. It’s that or get canned.”

Carl looked forward again. “Well, I’m ‘wide-awake’ now. Finding the place should be a snap…”

Sam merely grimaced. “Maybe if I hadn’t just taken us Celestia-knows where trying to ditch those guys…”

Thirty minutes later, neither pony was feeling pretty good. Although they managed to find an exit back to the highway that would take them back to the branch office, finding a bakery proved to be harder than ever. None of them had been able to find any of the roads they had memorized for their route, and the longer they looked, the darker the neighborhoods became and the less pleasant-looking. The time was nearly 4 AM by this point, and both ponies were getting not only tired again, but worried.

Sam sighed. “Dude…we’ve been at this for nearly two hours. I think we can rule out getting a nice score on the ‘fast’ part of our service…”

“All we have to do is find a road we were on, man. Then we’ll be fine.”

“We’ve been looking for one for a while now, Carl.”

“Just keep sweeping…we’ve got to run into one.”

Sam grumbled as he kept going. “I can’t even think up a plausible story as to why we’re so late in making the delivery…I have to keep changing what I planned…”

Carl, however, suddenly looked up. “There!”

Sam looked up as well. “There what?”

“Right there, dude! Steeple Chase! That’s the road that leads to Valley Run! Turn left!”

A moment later, the two ponies turned the delivery truck down the road and began to head down that way. However, this section of the road was darker than the others, and as they turned, they couldn’t immediately see anything.

Sam squinted a bit. “Carl, turn on the flashlight.”

Carl held the device up and pressed a button in response, making it act like a headlight…and, a moment later, they were forced to slow and stop the wagon. What looked like a line of old, beat-up wagons were stretched across the road.

Sam blinked. “…What gives?”

The two ponies soon got the answer, as no less than fifteen foo dogs began to climb over the barricade. Some had chains. Some have knives. Some had Pacesian ‘dragon fire projectors’ that they began to lock and load. Sam and Carl both paled. Carl, on his part, ducked his head out the open window to his side, and saw that another fifteen were coming up behind them, with wagons to block their way too. Two were even pulling Cerberuses out, all gnashing their teeth and snarling.

“Holysh’tholysh’tholysh’t…”

“Help me back up!”

“We can’t! They’re coming from behind!”

“The alley!”

Immediately, both Sam and Carl backpedaled, driving the wagon back. The foo dogs on both sides tried to close in as soon as possible, but it wasn’t quite fast enough. The truck backed up just enough to turn to the side, heading straight for a wall of garbage cans and old boxes blocking off a narrow alleyway. Immediately, they both pushed forward and smashed right through it, then narrowly shot through the tiny passage on the other side. It was a tight fit, and immediately the foo dogs ran for it with the fire projectors and began to hurl fireballs after them…but they managed to bust through the other end, land on a T-intersection on another road, and immediately took off as fast as they could.

Both Sam and Carl were panting hard and sweating as they charged away.

“How the Hell did they find us?!”

“Dude…I think those guys were the Vices!”

“The who?”

“The Vices! They’re the Pacesian mob! They came over to big cities like this one to run international cartels! Normally I thought they’d be in Las Pegasus…”

“Sam…are you telling me that we just crossed the mob?!”

“More or less, dude… I don’t see how else they could have gotten that many guys together just to give us an ass kicking… When they got to the crate, one of them must have spotted where this thing was going…”

Carl ran silently for a moment, staring forward. He didn’t say a word or register any emotion. Finally, however, he saw something up ahead.

Sam did too. A lit-up sign indicating a bakery loomed. However, he didn’t react much. They had seen it about ten minutes ago, thinking they had found their destination. Yet as it turned out, it was a different 24 hour bakery. The one they were looking for was “Turkish Delight”.

However, Carl suddenly began to nudge the wagon over in that direction.

Sam snapped to him. “Carl, what are you-”

“Sam…pull this damn wagon over in front of that bakery right now.”

The blue stallion stared. “Carl…”

“Now, Sam!”

The green stallion pushed so hard that Sam had no choice but to sigh and push the wagon over along with him. After doing so, he immediately led the wagon around the back, and pulled it in toward the rear for the freight entrance. Considering the size of the vehicle and the time of night, they must have alerted someone. However, Carl didn’t seem to care. As he pulled the rear of the wagon toward the back, he simply stopped it, threw the brake, and then began to unfasten himself.

“Carl, what are you doing?” Sam asked as he proceeded.

Carl’s face remained stern and he didn’t answer. Soon, he was out and exiting the cab. Sam rolled his eyes and then began to get himself out as well. He soon exited too.

Once both were out, Carl readily moved to the back, while Sam followed behind. The green stallion went right up to the rear entrance personnel door of the bakery and gave a knock on it. The window opened a few moments later, letting a pony on the inside look out. After that, it closed again, and soon the door opened wide, and an elderly bakery manager stepped outside.

“…Can I help you? We don’t have any deliveries for tonight.”

“Forget that.” Carl retorted. “How are you doing on sprinkles?”

Sam, beginning to realize what was happening, reached Carl and stared at him. However, the manager merely shrugged.

“Well…not bad, although we’re getting a touch low…”

“How would you like a sh’tload of sprinkles for free? All you have to do is sign the name on the line on our slip.”

Sam now gaped. “Carl!”

The manager blinked. “Uh…that sounds a tad illegal, young fella…”

“Oh no, it’s perfectly cool. The ponies who expected the delivery didn’t want it and now we have nowhere to put it except in storage until it rots. It’s time fresh, you know. So just sign it and we all win. It’s even still got the freshness seal from the factory.”

“Carl, you can’t…”

The manager paused a bit more, but then gave an uncertain shrug. “Well…I suppose…”

“Great.” Carl responded. “Sam will give you the slip to sign and I’ll start unloading the sprinkles.” He turned to the blue stallion. “Sam…mind getting the slip?” He asked as he began to walk back toward the wagon.

As the manager scratched his head in confusion, Sam gave Carl an incredulous look. He quickly moved up to his side. “…Carl, do you have hoof-in-mouth disease or something? We can’t just dump this crate off on this guy!”

“We can…and we’re going to.” The green stallion retorted. “Having integrity on the job is one thing. Having dragon fireballs shot at you by a gang that’s out for your blood is something else. I want this job, Sam…but I am not about to get my ass incinerated so some bakery no one can find can get a fridge worth of sprinkles!” He reached the back of the wagon and began to open it up.

“But Carl…”

“Sam…” The green stallion cut off. “Right now, those Pacesian assholes, who happen to belong to a gang that’s notorious for making schmucks like us ‘disappear’ when we’re in the wrong place at the wrong time, only know that we’re driving a Solar Cycle wagon and what we look like. They don’t know our names or addresses and I mean to keep it that way. I’m wanting to lose this damn crate, get back on the highway, and get my ass back to work and change into something that doesn’t scream ‘we’re the guys who gave you second-degree pie burns’. The longer we stay out here, the more they’re going to want us and find out about us. I want to get lost before they have a chance to figure out who we are.” He yanked out the ramp of the back of the truck. “If you want to get us both killed and end up as a couple of pony skeletons mounted in a concrete base as the bottom of the river, then keep raising a stink. If you want to live through the night…then make him sign the damn slip!”

Sam hesitated a bit more. He thought about all of what Carl said. And, to be honest, he was terrified at the moment. Getting around some thugs was one thing. But if they were actual Vices…then he was in way over his head. With that in mind, he finally exhaled and caved in. Letting out a grumble, he began to go for the front of the truck to get out the slips.

“Let’s shake a hoof while we’re at it…” Carl muttered. “We didn’t get that far from those foo dogs at that roadblock…”

To Be Continued...]

Author's Note

Alright...so I used a lot of "Flintstones" humor in this chapter. So sue me. :P It works out well in situations that don't have motors, engines, or electronics, though.

I know on MLP, the monetary system is "bits", but I figured they needed some change too. Hence, I figured "nibbles" would work.

Chapter 3 - Two Background Ponies Commit a Felony

Luckily, things ended up going fairly well afterward.

The manager of the bakery signed under the printed name provided, the crate was unloaded, and the two made tracks rushing back to the highway and the branch office. The slip was submitted, no questions asked, to the slip handler, and the two, shaken up and nervous, went back to their seats and waited for either their lie to catch up to them, or for the foo dogs to somehow find them and break down the door. However, neither happened. Fairly quickly, they began to believe they had gotten away from them. And as time went on, they slowly began to believe they might have gotten away with the phony slip…at least for that night. Hopefully it would all get “mixed in with the system” and no one would ever check it out…at least not until they were gone. Sam didn’t really believe that on his part.

The next morning, as soon as the early staff came in, the two went back to Carl’s wagon and began to head “home”, both very tired, groggy, and worrying about when the fateful letter would come in which they would be called on the sprinkle delivery and have to start making up their story. Still, the fact that no foo dogs were out for their blood and it was daylight again made them feel a bit better as they went back to their bad neighborhood. Luckily, it was so early that most of the addicts and prostitutes were still in bed, and it was a rather quiet walk back to their condo.

On arrival, naturally, there was a hobo at the door. He watched them as they approached it, and shook his head. “Oh, don’t bother. Some damn fool locked the door.”

“Please go away.” Sam muttered as he unlocked it and led himself and Carl inside. Once in, they readily shut it and locked it.

A letter and a paper was lying under the slot, and Sam sighed as he took the former and went over to the nearest table. As for Carl, he snatched up the paper, stretched a bit and began to walk over to his sleeping bag. “After I make sure that thing is cockroach free, I’m sleeping for the rest of the day until we need to get some food before going into work…”

“Assuming we even get to work tonight…” Sam grumbled as he moved over to the portable table and slumped in a chair. “Those sprinkles, for whatever reason, were rush delivery. The bakery has to wonder where they are at this point. They’ll call up the branch office, they’ll look at the slip, and then they’ll figure out they should have signed for it before they call us in. Then we’ll have to try and make up some dumb story and swear they signed for it…and pray they don’t send anyone down to confirm signatures.”

“…Is there any more doom and gloom you want to add to that, Sam?” Carl grumbled as he began to pull off his work clothes. He looked at the front headline as he did so, and snorted. “’Princess Celestia Mysteriously Vanishes’. Well, there’s a big surprise. Maybe they should mention the sky is still blue in the byline… Honestly, that goddess of ours is like a set of keys…”

Sam sighed as he looked at the letter. Suddenly, his eyes widened. A moment later, he used his teeth to quickly tear it open and look it over. His eyes enlarged even more and filled with fear.

“…Yes, actually.” He stated, answering Carl’s last question to him.

Carl sighed and looked to him. “What now?”

“We are dead, dude.” He held the letter up. “It’s from Dawn.”

“Yeah, so?”

“Carl…she tried to go to work to greet me as my first day as a supervisor.”

Carl paused on hearing that.

“They told her they had fired me a couple days ago and now she’s wondering why I didn’t tell her about this or where the hell I am. And dude…you know Stonewall has only been going on and on about how this is ‘typical’ of somepony like me…”

Carl stared a moment, and then exhaled. “Alright…Sam, there’s only one thing you can do. You’ve got to write her back and tell her where to find you, and we can explain this whole thing.”

Sam’s eyes widened. “Are you out of your mind?! I’m not sending her the address! Assuming that wouldn’t be like telling her to walk into a flaming furnace, which it is in this demilitarized-zone-neighborhood, if Stonewall finds out about it he’ll send every veteran in the area after us to mount our heads on stakes!”

“Well you can’t very well tell her the story over the mail either, dude!” Carl maintained. “You know Stonewall will read it and then he’ll turn your skull into a trophy! Your only shot is to get her to come here alone so you can explain things to her and she can help out in lying to her dad!”

“Carl, what if she doesn’t buy it? She sounds mad in this letter that I lied to her in the first place! What if she lets her dad rip me a new asshole?”

Carl merely frowned. “…You’re going to marry this filly and you don’t trust her enough to not let her dad kick your ass?”

Sam flustered for a moment at that. However, as he was about to say more, a loud knock suddenly rang out from the door. Immediately, he spun to it and glared. With a growl, he got out of his chair. “I’m sick to death of these damn hobos constantly treating this condo like a hotel… If I have to turn away one more of them, I think I’m going to scream.”

A louder knock rang out before he reached the door.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m coming you crazy bum!” He answered as he reached it, undid the lock, and nearly ripped the door open. “For the last time, you crap-smeared idiot, this is…not…”

Sam trailed off.

He found himself looking at a tall, formidable, and badge-wearing policepony. Obviously one of higher rank since he wasn’t wearing the standard uniform. He raised an eyebrow at Sam from under his fedora hat as he opened the door. As for the blue stallion, the sound in his throat died and he slowly shut his hanging jaw.

Carl, meanwhile, called out. “Is that another one of those smelly dipsh’ts? Here, keep him busy and I’ll get a bucket of the rusty water in this place to throw at him…”

Sam paled on hearing that. The policepony, on his part, frowned a bit. “…You two make it a habit of assaulting officers?"

Carl went rigid, and, with a clatter of hooves, immediately ran up to the door with a sheepish grin. He sweat a bit as he looked out at him nervously, seeming to shrink under his shadow much as Sam did. “Oh…heh…sorry about that, sir. It’s just we’ve had some trouble with a lot of hobos treating this place like a ‘hotel’ since we moved in a couple days ago...”

“…Moved in.” The policepony answered. He looked around the door and bit, and inside. “…Seem to have a lot of ‘temporary’ furniture pieces for a couple of guys settling into a new place. Like you’re ready to get on the move in a hurry…”

Sam didn’t know what the policepony meant by that, but he didn’t really want to find out. He swallowed a bit and looked up to him. “…Um, is there something we can help you with, officer?”

The pony continued to stare. “As a matter of fact, there is. My name is Lt. Gum Shoe. I’d like you two boys to come down with me to the station…help me out with a few questions I have. You can either tag along with me and my wagon right now…”

His jaw creased.

“…Or you can wait until I come back with a warrant for your arrests.”

Both Sam and Carl felt their eyes enlarge at that, a mixture of confusion and anxiety flowing into them.

Neither Sam nor Carl knew what to expect as they found themselves sitting in Gum Shoe’s office. Both of them, however, were very nervous at this point. They realized they had committed an act of fraud last night…maybe a few crimes in the name of self-defense…but what exactly had they done to land them in hot water with the police of Manehattan? Neither of them knew, and neither wanted to find out. They were both still tired and distraught from last night, and this was only confusing and frightening them more.

The office was one of those with glass windows all around, nestled in a block of other small offices in a busy station. Most of the officers were bustling and running about, carrying out errands or pursuing other cases. The two could see them through the windows. All of them had dark and stern looks about them that made the two ponies all the more anxious. However, naturally, the darkest look was from Gum Shoe himself on the other side of his desk.

The lieutenant pulled off his hat and threw it on a wall rack, then moved over to his side of the room, the desk and chair set considerably higher than that of the two, and then sat down and looked at them both darkly. The two stared back silently for a few moments. However, as Gum Shoe continued to glare at both of them, they both swallowed a bit, and finally Sam spoke up.

“Um…sir…I’m…not exactly sure why we’re here…but I can assure you we haven’t done anything illegal intentionally…”

The lieutenant raised his eyebrow again “…’Intentionally’?”

“I mean, nothing illegal!” Sam quickly corrected.

Gum Shoe said nothing in response, and then looked down over a file on his desk. “I got this from your place of business. Incarlsistency…age 29, coat color green, cutie mark a find-the-difference picture… Listens-to-Carl’s-Problems, Sam…age 29, coat color blue, cutie mark a cancerous lesion…”

“Actually it’s a human ear…”

Gum Shoe looked up with a stare that could peel paint. “…What in Celestia’s name is a ‘human’?”

Sam swallowed a bit at the look, not really having the courage to explain.

Gum Shoe looked back down to the file. “Says you two just started work in Manehattan recently. In fact…you just moved here a couple days ago. Seems you had no trouble finding a place to live, though…and in some of the worst high crime areas in the city…”

“It’s his family’s condo, lieutenant.” Carl interjected. “We just moved into something that his great uncle left-”

“I’m sorry, I have something of a bad memory in my old age…” Gum Shoe suddenly spoke up, cutting off. “At what point did I say ‘interrupt me whenever you two damn well feel like it’ to either of you?”

Carl immediately went silent. “Uh…you didn’t.”

“Oh, really? In that case, keep your mouth shut until I ask you a question.” The lieutenant snapped back.

Both Carl and Sam shifted a bit at this. As for the policepony, he looked back over the file.

“…You sign up for a high-risk job that takes you in the middle of night to the bad part of town…” Gum Shoe went on. “And you make one delivery all night long on your first day.” After that, he shut his file and looked up to him. “You see, I did a bit of digging before I came to call on you two. I guess I just missed you leaving work. Tell me, boys…does anything about that little story seem kind of ‘suspicious’ to you?”

Sam was silent. As for Carl, he gave a shrug. “Well, maybe a little.”

Gum Shoe gave him a dark look.

“…We got a wise-ass in here? How’d you like to head into the shower area and get introduced to a half dozen batons?”

“I was serious!” Carl immediately retorted, putting his hooves up defensively. “That’s my thing, finding inconsistencies!”

“Look, officer…” Sam put in. “We really have no idea why we’re here or what you’re getting at.”

“I’m sure you wouldn’t. You aren’t the first two dumbf***s to use that excuse, you know.” Gum Shoe retorted. “I just figured you out-of-towners would have enough intelligence to know when to start talking. But as you seem to be like the same morons that litter the streets, I’m going to spell it out for you…”

He leaned forward a bit.

“We’ve been working the beat at your place of business ever since the day Solar Cycle Express opened that office. Turns out small start-up companies like that make great places for illegal trafficking. Hell, they even do a great bit of money laundering on the side. This one small business in Fillydelphia did over 5 million bits worth of drug trafficking in and out of Equestria over a span of three years. That one got shut down, but delivery companies aren’t exactly high on the ‘warning flag list’ yet, which means lots of other bastards try to open them up from time to time. As far as I’m concerned, anypony who tries in my town is as good as dead. And I will nail anypony who is involved to the wall like a damn mounted butterfly.”

He leaned in more here, enough to glare at both of them. “That means if you two nags want to save your asses, you better come clean right this minute about what you knew. You do that, and it’ll end up better for you in the long run.”

The two trembled quite a bit here, beginning to realize what this all meant. Carl looked to Sam with a nervous expression. “I knew that deal was too good to be true.”

“Carl, shut up.” Sam muttered, then looked to Gum. “Dude…I mean, sir…look…we don’t know anything. We’re just two guys who were looking for a job to make a lot of money.”

“Well, I’d say ‘drug trafficking’ would fit the bill nicely, wouldn’t you?” The policepony retorted.

“No, dude! I mean…no sir!” Sam answered. “Look…we didn’t even apply to Solar Cycle Express directly! We did it through a placement agency! It was either that or a zoo or an adult theater! We didn’t know a thing!”

“Besides, man…how do you know that Solar Cycle Express is even the place you’re looking for?” Carl answered. “You could be hoof-tapping at the wrong patch of clover, you know.”

Gum Shoe looked at both of them for a moment, expressionlessly. After a moment, he looked around to either side of him, as if making sure no one was looking in, and then leaned over the desk, keeping his head low. He held out a hoof and motioned for them both to come closer. Carl and Sam exchanged a look, but then shrugged and did as indicated.

He motioned them closer afterward. They did. He motioned even closer. They leaned in until their heads were nearly touching. At that, he motioned for both of them to turn their ears so he could whisper. The two hesitated, but then did so. Gum Shoe slowly leaned up to their ears…and then shot out and seized them in his hooves and bellowed:

“Don’t f*** with me you out-of-town pieces of sh’t!”

Both ponies screamed in pain before he released, and slammed back into their chairs They both writhed as Gum Shoe leaned back.

“You asshole!” Sam griped.

“How the Hell did you even grab our ears when you only have hooves?!” Carl moaned.

“You two morons think I was born yesterday?” Gum Shoe went on. “I checked out your slip on the way to your condo! You got a crate the size of a bathtub marked ‘sprinkles’ and tried to run it out in the middle of the night to a 24/7 bakery? What? Do you think ‘city folks’ buy all their donuts at 3 in the morning?! You mean to tell me that you idiots just delivered that crate without ever thinking for a moment where it came from or how unusual it was?”

“Well, I thought it was plenty unusual…” Carl answered as he shook his one ear.

“Carl, for the love of Celestia, shut up!” Sam snapped back before looking at Gum Shoe. “Dude, that was our first night on the job! They pretty much told us to sink-or-swim! Besides, we’re just low level ponies! Upper management tells us to do something and we do it!”

“Cogs in a machine, man!” Carl threw in. “Nails in a horseshoe! Straw wrappers on…a straw!”

Gum Shoe looked at both of them momentarily. He was silent for a few moments. At last, he gave them a glare before he reached over his desk and took up a small trophy with a marble base on his desk and held it in front of him.

“You two jackasses see this? It’s an award for 20 years of excellent service to the Manehattan Police Department. I got it because I can smell out pieces of sh’t better than anyone else. And I know when someone is yanking my reins. That’s how I got this.”

Carl rolled his eyes. “Well, maybe they should consider taking it back, because I don't think being able to find piles of sh't is too good of a talent...”

Gum Shoe’s eyes narrowed before he flung the award across the desk so hard that it smashed into Carl’s head, sending him falling back and knocking him to the floor. He cried out and issued a stream of curses. Sam was shocked and looked at him.

“Dude, are you on meth or something?!”

Immediately, Gum Shoe’s hooves slammed down on the desk as he stood to fall height, towering over both ponies. It made Sam go silent and Carl look up a bit anxiously.

“You two aren’t fooling anypony. I gave you a chance to come clean about this to hopefully devote my energy to the real bastard here. But since you thought you’d jerk me around, I’m going to start the investigation on you two. From now on, I’m going to be riding your asses so hard you’re going to think you deserve a Triple Crown before I’m done, and I’m starting with this slip. And believe you me, if I so much as find a ‘t’ that wasn’t crossed, I’m going to haul your asses back in here and leave you in 24 hour solitary confinement with the suspected rapists.”

Both Sam and Carl swallowed on hearing that, both looking rather afraid at this point.

“Now get your asses out of here before I find my taser and use you two studs for target practice.”

A few minutes later, a sore-looking Sam and Carl both left through the front doors of the station and began to walk down to the street. Carl was holding a tissue to his head.

“Damnit…the police in this town are d*cks…” Sam muttered.

“I guess it sucks to live some place where the police actually do something.” Carl said with a wince. “The police back in Ponyville just let a bunch of teenage girls come up with a plan… Like remember the time we had to do safety inspections all over town just because the mayor said that some girl told her there was going to be a disaster next Tuesday?”

Sam groaned. “…You could have kept your mouth shut back there, or at least only said stuff that didn’t leave any ‘wiggle room’ to be considered admissions of guilt.”

“Yeah, just keep blaming me for everything…” Carl grumbled. “Where exactly do we stand right now after that meeting with ‘the Bad Lieutenant’?”

“Well, by my count, our jobs are on the line, my relationship with Dawn is on the line, and we’re looking at prison sentences for drug trafficking or, at minimum, being used for stud breeding in the worst way… We’re dead, man. The second he checks in on that signature he’s going to find we never even took the crate where it needed to go. That will make him absolve our new boss from any blame, who might, in fact, have been trafficking drugs after all…and pin it all on us.”

“On the bright side, I don’t think things can get any worse…” Carl responded.

That was all he got out before a pair of foo dogs came up behind Sam and Carl as they turned a corner to another street, and proceeded to club both ponies in the back of the head, knocking them out.

Some time later, when Sam began to come to with a groan and a throbbing pain in the back of his head, he slowly opened his eyes…only to see more darkness. He took this in for a moment, before he realized what had happened. He had a cloth bag over his head. He tried to move…only to feel the pain of ropes restraining his arns and legs, tying him to a chair. As his senses came fully aware, he began to move a bit…but found himself stuck fast. Immediately, he started to jerk his head around and try to break free, but other than shaking up the chair a bit, he couldn’t move.

“Oh man… Oh sh’t…” Sam moaned from beneath the hood. “We are in such deep sh’t right now…” He paused. “Carl? Carl, you out there?”

After a moment, he heard another groan. “Ugh…”

“Carl! Talk to me!”

“Urk…how could two bastards knock us out and drag us away…only a block away from the police station…?”

“Carl, forget about that! What’s happening on your end?”

“Huh?” There was a sound of movement. “…Sam, I’m hooded and tied to a chair…”

“Are you alright?”

“…Aside from the fact that I’m hooded, tied to a chair, and my head is pounding? Sure, Sam…”

“Dude, start testing your bonds! Move the chair around! Let’s see if we can’t twist loose or break the seats!”

There was a sound of some groaning and rattling. Sam soon did the same. As they both worked a bit, Carl called out again. “Sam…I think I caught a glimpse of those foo dogs doing it to us.”

Sam groaned. “Great…how the Hell did they find us?”

“Who cares? Let’s just get out of here before they come back if we can…and be glad they didn’t kill us on sight…”

“Yeah…I’ll drink to that… I wonder how far away they are? We may need to keep our voices down.”

“I wouldn’t worry too much about that at this point.” A third voice with a Pacesian accent suddenly rang out.

Both ponies immediately froze.

“…Carl, I don’t suppose you just decided to speak in a Pacesian accent for no real reason, did you?”

The sound of a fist smashing into a face rang out loudly, followed by a curse and some shaking of a chair.

“Ugh…not unless you got a hoof free just to punch me in the face, Sam…” Carl moaned in pain.

“This is getting annoying.” The third voice rang out. “Off with the hoods.”

Immediately, something grabbed the hoods on the heads of the two ponies, and pulled them off. Instantly, the two saw where they were…a dimly lit Pacesian room of some sort. Heavy on ornamentation and older style, with paper lanterns hung to provide illumination, and lots of terra cotta works, fine pottery, and other indications of being a rather expensive setup. It was also windowless and with a few sticks of incense burning, and had no visible doors in front of them. Of course…most of their vision was framed by a rather irate and angry-looking foo dog who seemed to be in a bit of pain.

Both looked up to him with a gulp.

“Er…hello there.” Sam muttered.

“Hi.” His deep, resounding voice answered. “Oh…look at that. I was hoping to smash which one of you two squirted my ass with that pie filling last night so now it feels like I’m trying to rip out my o-ring every time I take a dump...” He looked to both of them. “But my mistake…it looks like I got the wrong one. My apologies.”

Immediately, he smashed Sam in the face as well, causing him to snap his head back and forward again. Blood was now trickling out of his nostrils as he grunted.

“…Think nothing of it…”

“That’s enough.” The sharp Pacesian voice stated. “I don’t want them dead, after all. Once they’ve told me what I want to know…then I’ll let you kill them.”

The foo dog snorted and then turned and walked away. Well…”walk” was probably a strong word. More like painfully shuffled. A set of foo dogs, two for each pony, stepped in and took positions at their sides as he walked off. Both Sam and Carl looked forward as their view ahead was cleared, immediately seeing what looked like several figures dressed in Pacesian garb, except for the ones toward the center, who wore nice suits and had teapots in front of them. However…one thing immediately stood out. They only had long “bands” coming up from their necks.

“Holy sh’t, these guys have no heads!” Sam exclaimed.

“…Up here, you Equestrian imbecile.” The Pacesian voice rang out.

Both Sam and Carl blinked, then looked up at that.

At the end of very long necks, longer than the bodies themselves, were horse-like heads with single horns that branched like an elk or deer’s might. Most of the faces were stern, but the one in the middle, which the two ponies looked down for quickly and then back up again to confirm it was the one in the middle and apparently “the boss”, looked unfriendly and cold, not to mention aged, as he eyed both of them.

Carl blinked a few times. “…I didn’t know giraffes were from Pacesia…”

On hearing the word “giraffe”…the one in the middle seemed to quiver and flush a shade red momentarily. His lips curled into a sneer. “…It appears, Equestrian, that you need a lesson in species of the world.” He looked up to the foo dogs. “Mahiu.”

Sam and Carl both blinked, as the foo dogs proceeded to pull out rubber gloves, pull them over their paws, and then reach down to the side. Both tried to see what they were reaching for, but only made out a bucket. “What…what the hell does that word mean?” Carl asked, his voice sounding nervous.

“I don’t think anything good…” Sam grimaced.

A moment later, the foo dogs came back with what looked like live eels, writhing about and letting out sounds of “crackles” and “zaps”, indicating they were the electric variety. Both Carl and Sam paled.

“What…what are you…going to do with-”

Sam was cut off as the eels were jammed down into their crotch regions and began letting out the sounds of several thousand volts. Both ponies went rigid, yet had enough motor control to immediately scream in agony and writhe in their bonds. After a few moments, the eels were pulled off, but both were rigid and still in considerable pain.

“Dear Celestia…I thought that having internal genitalia would have protected me from crap like that!” Carl shouted.

“We are kirins, you ignorant Easterners.” The one in the lead snapped at this point. “Far Eastern unicorns. Not giraffes. You are fortunate that I have adopted many Equestrian customs. In my native Pacesia, I would have simply had your hooves and tongues removed.”

He folded his hooves in front of him at this point…not that either pony noticed because their eyes were focused on his head. “Now…I suppose you two are both too stupid to know who I am, assuming you didn’t try to, how do you say...'screw me' last night out of bravery. But for the sake of argument, I don’t suppose you have any idea who I am, do you?”

Sam swallowed, finally getting down his pain, and shaking his head. “No, sir…we have no idea.”

“I am the boss of the Vices for this end of Manehattan.” The kirin responded. “I go by the title: ‘Nek Tuu Long’.”

On hearing this, Carl sputtered a moment, grimaced, and finally let out a chuckle and a snicker. “…You’re kidding me, right? I mean, even if your parents didn’t speak a word of Equestrian, that’s like something out of a 60s comic book…”

The kirin’s eyes narrowed. “Maihu.”

Sam’s eyes widened. “Oh sh’t, there’s that word ag-AAAAAH!”

His screaming soon joined in with Carl’s as both of them received an even longer electric shock to the nether regions before they were released. Both of them were struggling desperately to protectively pinch their tops of their legs together after that.

“I should have expected no less stupidity from earth ponies.” Long spat. “‘Nek Tuu Long’ is ancient Pacesian for ‘One Who Feeds Testicles of Enemies to Piranhas’. If you would like me to demonstrate, I have a tank in the back…”

“That…won’t be necessary…Mr. Long…” Sam managed to choke out in between winces of pain.

Long shifted a bit and glared at them both. “You two were very foolish thinking you could rub me the wrong way and get away with it. Even without my shi…and yes, they are shi, not ‘foo dogs’, you uncultured mustangs…I could easily have, how do they say in Equestria, ‘your nuts in a vice’? My legitimate business is ‘Rising Sun Food Services’…leading supplier of Pacesian bulk food items in this half of Equestria. Take a good look around you, earth ponies. Look at this city. Every block has a Pacesian restaurant. None of them ever have more than three customers at a time. Yet all of them always stay open. Doesn’t matter if the restaurant is a rat trap. Still stays in business. That’s the sort of power a Pacesian like myself wields in Equestria. And who do you think all of those Pacesians are indebted to? Who collects a cut from every single block in this town and every town in Equestria? Did you really think you could stay away from a kirin with that kind of power?”

Carl’s head dropped, and he looked to the ground. Long looked to him.

“…I say something to make you feel embarrassed, earth pony?”

Carl’s head lifted a bit, but didn’t look up.

“No…it’s just my head got tired from being held up toward the ceiling for so long.”

“…Maihu.”

Sam’s eyes widened before he gave his friend a furious look. “Carl, you son-of-a-BAAAAAAH!”

This latest round of electrocution was the longest yet. And when it was done, both Carl and Sam were smoldering and letting up small clouds of smoke. Both of them let out small whines and twitches, although Sam managed to glare at Carl with a look that indicated a desire to commit murder.

That done, Long snapped his fingers. “Shayu.”

The sounds of foo dogs turning and moving away became audible. Both ponies were a bit too fried to really look around, although both of them nervously tried to turn and find out. However, their attention was soon directed ahead again as the neck bent and Long’s face was lowered down to eye level to glare at both of them.

“Now that I have your full attention…answer me one question: where is my money?”

Both looked to him for a moment in puzzlement, before Sam shook his head and gave a shrug. “…What money?” Immediately, he winced. “And please don’t shock us again because we really don’t know!”

“I didn’t even know you were behind the Pacesian restaurants in town and I’m usually up on these things!” Carl insisted as well, three shockings having broken his desire to be a smartass.

Long looked over both of them for a moment. He seemed to be studying them for a bit. Finally, he leaned back again, although his head stayed low.

“For about nine months now I’ve been using small delivery companies such as Solar Cycle Express to bring in opium to Manehattan. Equestrian climate is all wrong and has too many laws to do it here. Instead, I bring large shipments into dummy warehouses here and ship it nationwide using delivery companies. Small ones don’t ask many questions and don’t care about contents of packages.

“Last night I planned to purchase a large amount of rough product from overseas. I prepare it here and sell it at a markup for a tidy profit. System needs to be quiet and discrete. So I work out a ‘switching’ program. Delivery company on my payroll gets orders for a late night delivery. They end up transporting product without ever knowing what exactly is in the crate, so can deny it later. They bring the product to warehouse owned by me. My boys switch crate on truck with identical crate that has money while delivery men have stepped out. They come back, ship money to dummy business owned by associates who take the money as payment.

“However, you two earth ponies broke my system last night, and caused me to lose sleep this morning. You come in after the crate is loaded and assault my boys before driving off. Not only does my associate call me saying they never got the money, which strains my relationship with a good partner who I have learned to trust and depend on over many years, and making me pay for the shipment out of my own pocket, 50,000 bits extra of my money, but my own boys misplace the crate with the rough opium in it, so now I can’t even get a return to break even. That made me very angry. Equestrians…do you know what spell a kirin does to calm down when they are angry?”

Both earth ponies hesitated a moment, both looking rather nervous.

“Uh…no?”

Long reached under his desk and came back with a small terra-cotta foo dog that had herbs growing on the back of it…a ‘chia pet’, in other words. However, both Sam and Carl turned white when they saw the face of it appeared to have been burned in the eye region.

“Decoration.”

“Oh my Celestia!” Carl shouted as he began to scoot back.

Sam did much the same, but they didn’t get far as the foo dogs seized their chairs. However, they didn’t let go. And as they didn’t, a dragging sound was heard. Both Sam and Carl looked behind them, and saw a large tank of water was being pushed forward to behind them.

“Ah.” Long stated. “The shayu. You see…even if I lost the drugs…I want the money. So that brings me to you two.”

Sam and Carl looked a moment…before they saw fins poke out of the water randomly and circle around.

“Oh sh’t…” Carl muttered.

The foo dogs soon made him panic more than that, however, as they began to lean the chairs back, bringing their heads closer to the water. Both grimaced and began to pull up…even as the sharks inside the water began to circle closer to their heads.

“They love the taste of pony. I raise them on it. I find earth ponies like you who cross me from time to time and slice them up wafer thin on a nice deli cutter in the back, so I can feed them for months.” Long stated. “Once they latch onto your head, it doesn’t matter if they don’t kill you from bite. They’ll take off your scalp before they let go. You see…they like the taste of the brain.”

“I think I can write off a visit to Pacesia before I die, Sam…” Carl swallowed.

“That might be a bit sooner than either of us want, Carl…” Sam gulped as he tried to keep his head up. “Look…Mr. Long…you’ve got the wrong guys, I swear! We’re just temp workers for Solar Cycle Express! No one told us we needed to stop at that warehouse! We just did to go in for a bite to eat! This is all a huge misunderstanding and coincidence! You had to have a different delivery group!”

The foo dogs continued to lower their heads toward the tank as Sam said this, the sharks getting more feisty and snapping out of the water as they neared. However, at this point, Long suddenly held out a hand. Immediately, the foo dogs ceased. A moment later, he gave a cutting motion. With a clatter, both ponies were released to slam back into their previous positions, both looking rather nervous now.

“I’ll admit that fat earth pony who runs your branch office is not the most trustworthy of individuals. Even a simple matter as telling new employees to stop at a warehouse may be beyond him. But there’s still the simple matter of what happened to the crate containing my money. Before I decide whether or not I’d prefer you without your heads, you had better tell me why it did not arrive at its destination.”

Both Sam and Carl hesitated. They swallowed and looked to each other, and then back to Long. They gulped again.

“Well…er…”

“Um…it’s like this…”

“Uh…”

“Well…”

“There was a…bit of a delay…”

Long began to raise his hand. “Sha-”

“Look, dude! Your thugs scared the hell out of us last night, ok?” Carl suddenly shouted to cut him off. “We thought we were dead! So we lost the crate at the first 24/7 bakery we could find!”

“We didn’t know it was filled with drug money! Come on!” Sam added. “Do you think we’re stupid enough to steal from drug dealers?”

Long’s gaze remained flat. “…I don’t believe I mentioned stealing my money yet.”

Sam paled and quivered as he realized what he said.

Carl frowned and looked to him. “…That one is all on you, man.”

“…Mr. Long, I swear to Celestia, we did not try to rip you off last night. That money was just delivered to the wrong bakery is all.” Sam continued. “And it’s probably still there. I don’t think the guy opened it yet.”

The kirin paused momentarily, and then held up a hoof to them. “…And you two know where this bakery that you did supposedly deliver my money to is?”

Both Sam and Carl froze momentarily. They looked to each other, then back to Long.

“No.”

“Yes.”

They looked to each other again, then back to him.

“Yes.”

“No.”

Again, they looked to each other, and then looked back.

“Well, you see, we kind of got turned-”

“We kind of have a pretty good idea of-“

Long began to raise his hoof again.

“Yes, yes! We know where your money is!” Sam screamed.

“What he said!” Carl shouted.

The hoof held a moment, and then lowered. Long looked at both of them momentarily, then folded his hooves in front of him.

“Very well. You two have 48 hours to come up with 100,000 bits.”

Both ponies, in spite of their fear, both looked confused.

“Er…100,000? I thought you said that crate only had 50 grand…”

“As it stands, you both cost me my money that I spent on a shipment I never collected on, plus an extra payment to reimburse my partner. Ergo…you owe me 100,000 bits, and if you dispute the price again I’ll have you taken to my nearest processing plant and thrown into the wonton friers. Once again…that is 100,000 bits…48 hours. Starting right now. I will contact you with where you can give me the money, so you better stay in that condo you own and wait for instruction. And if you value your lives, I wouldn’t try to skip town. Rest assured, I’m already looking into your families to see who would make good fodder to threaten.”

“Oh, my nephews!” Carl immediately stated.

Both Sam and Long gave him a look.

He blinked. “I mean…" His tone went flat and obviously fake. "Oh please, whatever you do, don’t harm my nephews! Losing them would be a thousand times worse than whatever torture you could give me! And please don’t do it in front of me so I can watch and laugh…I mean…cry in anguish at-”

“…Shut up.”

“Ok, I can do that.”

“In that case, we have nothing further to discuss at the moment.” The kirin stated. “My boys will untie you and take you home.”

Both Sam and Carl sighed in relief…before they noticed the floor shaking a bit. They both looked down, and noticed it was shaking more, and the foo dogs were parting. Long formed a dark smile.

“After, of course, I share with you some Pacesian hospitality and let you get a complimentary, genuine, Pacesian deep-tissue massage…courtesy of my two lovely assistants: Shiong and Mao.”

Abruptly, the massive paws of a pair of panda bears clapped down on the shoulders of Sam and Carl and gave squeezes so strong both of them twisted in pain.

About an hour later, in the same ruined, disgusting neighborhood where Sam’s condo was located, a large and elaborate Far East wagon pulled in front of the complex. A few of the gang members and prostitutes gave it a curious look, but most paid no mind. The wagon didn’t stop long…only long enough to pop open the side door and toss two bruised, battered, and limp earth ponies out and onto the pavement. Both of them landed hard and sprawled out before the wagon shut and sped off.

Sam and Carl both groaned and looked about groggily, none of them seeming to have any functional muscles at the moment. They only slowly began to writhe and tried to move. At first, they let out indecipherable moans to one another. Gradually, however, after a few minutes, they started to form words.

“And that’s why I never waste good money on a massage…”

“I feel like a set of cooked ribs that had all the meat pulled off the bones and then put back on them…”

“I feel like I just got eaten by a very large creature with broad teeth that ground me up in them, digested me, processed me into crap, and then left me in a pile in the woods somewhere…”

“I can’t feel my skin. My entire body just feels like 20-year-old beef jerky…”

“You know what would pick me up right now? A Marble Creamery shake…”

“Damnit…shut up, Carl…”

Both ponies writhed a bit, trying to get up, but only really succeeded in dragging themselves a few feet.

“…That does it, Carl…we’re totally screwed…” Sam moaned as he did so.

“Think positive, Sam…”

“I’m positive we’re screwed… This damn job was a fricking mob-affiliated drug trafficking ring. Gum Shoe was right to suspect us…and once he checks out where that crate was supposed to go, he’ll know the mob is involved… So either he throws our asses in prison or Nek Tuu Long kills us to keep us from talking when he finds out the cops know about us. And even if the police don’t nail us for this, we still need to come up with 100 grand. Even if we find that crate and get the money out of it, we’re 50 grand short, Carl…”

“Look…one thing at a time, Sam…” Carl grunted as he drug a hoof underneath him. “Let me just…try to relearn how to manipulate and balance on my skeleton…then get to my feet…then let’s get back to the condo and get the wagon out to Solar Cycle Express. Right now, after screwing us over on this whole setup and getting sat on by those damn pandas, they can take their 60 bits an hour and shove them up their pie holes…”

“Tell me about it…” Sam answered. “I tell you one thing, at least…if Gum Shoe comes looking for us again, I’m nailing that Package Deal and his whole crooked setup to the wall…”

“After we get that slip…” Carl responded, beginning to slowly get on two hooves. “It may not tell us where the stuff is exactly, but if we can even get close to it, we’ll be in business…”

Luckily, Carl’s wagon was still intact and at the condo. After all, Gum Shoe had brought them to the station on his own wagon. On returning, both ponies hitched themselves up and immediately went out for work. However, along the way they passed by a Rich’s Barnyard Bargains, and Carl quickly moved them into a parking spot. A bit afterward, he came out with a plastic bag filled with various items and tossed them in the back before they got moving again.

Sam looked a bit puzzled as Carl led them back down the road. “…What’s in the bag?”

“Just a few odds and ends.”

“Like what?”

“Dude…we’re in with the Vices now. This whole situation is getting desperate. We need some form of protection. So I got us some stuff.”

Sam looked to the bag, then back to him. “You didn’t get a fire projector or a rifle, did you?”

“Oh no. I’d have to wait a week for that. Luckily I know how to make some useful stuff from household chemicals and foods. Didn’t you ever read ‘Colt’s Life’ when you were a foal?”

“…Not really. I was always the hazing target on camping trips.”

“Yeah…and they kicked me out for eating a brownie.”

Sam gave Carl a shocked look, but Carl merely shook his head as he kept going onward. “They get so anal about you eating anything that’s fattening during snack time. That’s like the stupidest rule.”

Sam sighed in reply and looked forward again. They passed a newsstand with the evening editions, all of the headlines reading: “Princess Celestia Still Missing” and the byline: “New Princess Twilight Sparkle Being Called In”. A few ponies were snatching it up, but Sam merely looked to the road crossing, then back to Carl. “We’re nearly there. Just a couple more blocks.”

Carl, however, had already spotted something else on the horizon, and was looking rather nervous.

“…That’s what I’m afraid of, Sam. Look at the skyline.”

Sam paused, then looked up as Carl directed. He soon saw a rather thick cloud of smoke in the air, and it was rising up from only a short distance ahead. Considering the amount, there was little question of what it could be.

“Is that…from a fire?” Sam asked.

“And is it coming from just two blocks away?” Carl added.

The two hesitated a moment, but then immediately took off into a gallop, pulling the wagon behind them. Both of their faces tensed up quite a bit as they went along, for with each new step, the position of the rising smoke seemed to indicate that it was indeed at their destination… They progressively began to notice more shocked and awed ponies along the way, many of whom were looking at the same direction they were going. It only made Sam all the more anxious as they went forward. Finally, the road became familiar to where they pulled in yesterday, and as they looked to the same lot where they had went last night, they were in for a rather rude shock.

Just as they had feared…the building was mostly engulfed in flames, and was quickly spreading to the few parts that weren’t already on fire. Both Sam and Carl gaped as they neared, seeing fires angrily lapping at the walls and through the ceiling, deforming the paint and turning the Solar Cycle logo into a deformed piece of ashy rubbish. Every so often, as they looked at it, the flames had to hit something like a bottle of whiteout or another flammable source, for a minor flaming eruption would suddenly burst from a window or out a burning wall, all the while as the rest of it was consumed.

“Holy crap!” Sam shouted as they ran up to it.

Here, however, Carl immediately planted his hooves, forcing their cart to stop. Sam tried to keep going, and pulled them almost to the sidewalk around the building, but his friend would go no closer, and looked to him in shock. “Sam, what are you doing?”

“Get in the back! We can still get to the slip area!”

“Are you nuts?! The whole place is going up in flames, dude! It’s a lost cause!”

“But-”

“I’m not getting roasted for it, man!”

“We have no choice, Carl! We’re in deep trouble!”

“I’d rather be in deep sh’t than buried under it, man! Just let it go!”

Sam tried to pull a bit more, but then scowled and released. “Celestiadamnit!” He said as he pounded a hoof on the ground.

As Sam fumed, Carl looked over the burning building for a moment. He blinked, and then looked around. He also looked into the sky.

“…Smoke is still spreading out…fire hasn’t fully moved over the building…and we look like we were the first ponies here…” He said this last part as he saw the ponies they passed earlier coming into the start gawking. Only now did the sounds of fire sirens way in the distance go off. Carl looked to Sam after that. “This couldn’t have happened too long ago, Sam. Maybe the employees are still around… Maybe they got out of the building…”

Sam looked up a bit at that, and started to look around. However, he saw no signs of life or any other ponies. If anyone had gone out, they had to have run for it. “…I don’t see anypony, though. But that doesn’t make sense… This is the middle of the day at a 24 hour delivery service! And they wouldn’t have fled! What could have even caused the fire?”

Carl paused a moment, before his eyes widened a bit, and he looked to Sam again. “Sam…you don’t think someone set the fire, do you?”

Sam hesitated, but then shook his head. “No…no, of course not. Why would you say that?”

“It’s just…this seems a bit too unlucky, even for us. I mean…we needed to get that slip from here or at least shake down Package Deal…and this building just bursts into flame right now…with no other ponies around… You know…like the fire was on purpose so no one was there…” He began to tense up. “…Or like even if someone was inside they couldn’t get out anyway…”

The blue stallion thought about that a moment, but then shook his head. “No…no way, Carl. Not this time. That’s just you thinking too hard about this again. I mean…why would that be the case?”

Even as he said this, however…a bit of smoke seemed to peel off from the rest of the smoke coming from the fire. It wisped and moved through the air, shifting toward the two ponies, and gradually went from a black color to a light-colored one. The two continued to stare as it circled forward, and finally came for in between them. Right at that moment, they realized it was a “message smoke”…a moment before it suddenly “poofed” and revealed itself to be a paper note.

As it fluttered to the ground, the two earth ponies noticed that the lettering was made from magazine clippings and was one single phrase:

I WANT THE CRATE.

Both Sam and Carl went a bit pale at that.

“Ok…maybe it was arson…”

“And the sh’t we’re in rises closer to covering our heads…” Carl grimaced.

Sam looked to him. “What the hell have we gotten ourselves into, man? They said they’d give us 48 hours to get their money! Why burn down where we worked?”

“Well…we did say we already knew where the crate was…” The green stallion muttered. “And this is the Pacesian mob… I think they’re covering their bases, dude…making sure we can’t go to anyone about this operation…”

“Covering their bases is something they do on a ball field, Carl! This is ‘rubbing out the loose ends’! If they burned down this office just to keep us from bringing in the police, then even if we somehow come up with their money, they’re never going to let us walk away!”

Carl looked progressively more uncomfortable on hearing this. “…Damnit, I wish I had a Marble Creamery shake right now. It would really clear my-”

“Shut up about the damn shakes!” Sam snapped, before letting out a sigh. “Well, I don’t think things can get much worse…”

“Mommy, mommy, look! Those two ponies burned down that building!”

Both Sam and Carl went rigid on hearing that, and immediately snapped their heads to the side. There was a growing crowd now, but they were still keeping their distance. Sam and Carl, by comparison, were very close. A foal was pointing at them and shouting to their mom. Both looked rather nervous, before Sam shook his head.

“Uh, no we didn’t kid. We were coming to work to check on something and-”

“Hey!” Another pony shouted. “That kid said those two started the fire!”

“Look, those are the two guys who set the place on fire!”

“Whoa…I’ve never seen two arsonists before!”

By now, the sounds of the sirens were becoming audible over the noise. Both Sam and Carl paled, before the green one looked to the blue one.

“Sam…we need to get out of here right now.”

“Carl, if we run off from the scene of the crime, they’re definitely going to think we did it!”

“Not unless they can identify us, dude! And by the way…how suspicious do you think we’re going to look to that lieutenant if he finds us at the scene of the crime? We’ll get thrown right into a cell with ‘Bubba’ at the station and, after he’s done having his way with us, the Vices are going to get word of it and then they’re going to think we spilled our guts to the cops! I’m not about to spread the rest of my life as a curiosity on some Pacesian dude’s shelf!”

Sam only hesitated a moment, but then groaned and rolled his eyes. “…We have to think of something, dude. This crap keeps getting worse…”

“Then let’s think back at the apartment! We can at least get our stuff out of it before the police come looking there!”

“…Alright, fine! Let’s go!”

The two immediately took off down the street at full gallop once again. The building, by now, was fully burning. Only moments after Sam and Carl turned the corner did a gang of pegasi in red hats and helmets drag a conspicuously large cloud over the top of it and began to all kick it at once…moments before the police showed up.

Sam and Carl were already gone by the time the police unhitched their own wagons…but one of the first individuals out was a cross-looking Gum Shoe, who stared at the building with a critical look.

After riding around for about an hour, making sure no police were following them…and with Carl occasionally pausing to look around for a Marble Creamery that was still open, which Sam was fine with so long as it kept them moving around randomly, the two ponies began to head back to the condo again. They made sure to keep an eye open on the newsstands as they went along, and an ear open on the radios. To be honest…they were a bit afraid that someone at that site might have gotten a good enough look at them to name them as suspects. Yet their fears were unfounded. The headlines were all talking about the missing Princess Celestia and how the investigation was expanding to Manehattan, as the police thought that she may have disappeared en route to an upcoming meeting at the United Neightions branch there. So much the better. So long as the cops were focused on finding her, that kept them from trying to track Sam and Carl for something as petty as arson.

Finally, however, they made their way back to their urban blight neighborhood. To be honest, they felt a bit more at ease there. After all, no one there was going to report them when most of the ponies were wanted for something else themselves. Once more, they pulled the wagon up in front of the condo building, unhitched, dismounted, and made their way upstairs.

As they turned the corner into the hall, Sam spoke to Carl again. “Alright…you didn’t see any cop cars outside coming in, did you?”

“Nope, not a one.”

“Good. Let’s get any things we may need for the next 48 hours and then get out before any show up.”

“You sure that’s smart, Sam? I mean…what if they think we skipped town?”

“Well, let’s just stay away long enough for things to calm down a bit…” Sam finally answered. “At the bare minimum, I need to get a letter out to Dawn. For all I know, it’s going to be the last letter I ever…”

Sam trailed off as they neared the door. Now that he was this close, he could look ahead…and see the door was ajar. Immediately, he groaned.

“Damnit, I didn’t forget to lock that thing, did I?”

Carl looked out, and saw the same thing. He moaned. “I figured it was too good to be true that there weren’t any hobos waiting for us…”

The blue stallion merely sighed in response, and walked up to the entrance. As soon as he reached it, he put out a hoof to push open the door and started to walk inside. “Alright, everyone. Clear out. The Bed and Breakfast is undergoing permanent...”

Again, Sam found himself trailing off. Carl soon came up behind him, and he stared as well. As best as had been able, what few things they had brought to the condo were torn up, broken, tossed about, and smashed. The rest of the room had been defaced through vandalism, breaking the windows, tearing up the flooring and whatever intact wallpaper was left, and generally making the entire place a wreck.

Aside from that, there was only a small piece of paper in the one clean spot on the floor, along with a conch shell.

Sam stared blankly for a moment. Carl did much the same, and then sighed. “…By now I guess I should have been expecting this.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me, dude… Everything about this day just keeps getting worse… I had that minifridge for years…” Sam groaned as he walked into the room, making sure to slowly pace his way around the debris and junk. He headed straight for the note on the floor.

Carl, on his part, moved inside as well. He frowned. “So much for wanting to get some sleep… Between last night and the constant beatings, I’m kind of running on fumes…” He looked around a bit, then stopped. “Hey, our sleeping bags weren’t ripped to shreds. Got to give them that…” He moved over to his, cleared off a bit of the debris, then pulled back the flap. He soon frowned. “Oh…they decided to leave us a ‘present’ instead. And it ain’t a chocolate on a pillow…”

Sam, on his part, had reached the piece of paper and the conch shell. He picked it up and looked it over a moment, before Carl looked to him. “What’s it say?”

“It’s cut out magazines like the one back at the delivery company… It says: ‘I want the crate. You had better have it when I call.’” He looked to the conch shell. “This is one of those magic transmitters like they have back at work… But it’s only a one-way one. We can’t make any calls with it. They just contact us.”

Carl groaned. “It’s not enough for them to kick the crap out of us and have us turned into string cheese by those damn pandas…they got to trash everything they can get their hooves on that belongs to us too?”

Sam sighed and shook his head…then suddenly went rigid.

“Carl…start looking for that can of dragon fire and some decent ink and paper in here.”

The green stallion looked to him. “Huh? Why?”

“Just do it!” Sam answered before he began to root through the mess himself. “These guys are psycho about that crate! Apparently they didn’t think we got the message from our little ‘pow-wow’, so they’re out to ruin anything we’re connected to!”

“So?” Carl asked as he began to move things around.

“What about our families, man? What about Dawn?”

Carl paused momentarily on hearing that. “…I didn’t think about that, dude. I mean…I think I’d be happier if something finally made Farrah move out…but yeah, I forgot about Dawn.”

“Now I need to get her a letter more than ever…” Sam answered as he pulled a good quill off of the floor. After setting it to one side, he looked to Sam. “…No one knows we went to Manehattan, right?”

Carl had just finished pulling out an ink well, when he thought for a moment. He soon shook his head. “No, man. We didn’t let anyone know. I mean…I told that one guy I knew back at work to keep me posted if they decided to relocate the Marble Creamery…but Dawn doesn’t even know the guy.”

“Good…I’ll just write her a letter making up some crud about how I’ll be back in town in three days. Then we’re heading out until we can find where that damn bakery we dropped that thing off at was by memory.”

The green stallion looked up. “Whoa, hang on…three days? You’re wanting to head back to Ponyville?”

“Carl…” Sam said with a sigh, slowing down. “Look, it’s over. After all the crap that’s happened to us in just a couple days of being here, I don’t want to stick in this cesspool of a city any longer.”

“Dude, your father-in-law is still going to kill you if you don’t pay for that wedding.”

“Yeah, well…I think I can deal with one pony trying to kill me versus a ton of them.” Sam retorted. “Now come on, let’s hurry up.”

The letter sent off, the two ponies quickly did a rough cleanup before heading back out to the wagon, hitching themselves up, and taking off. Unfortunately, between the sleep deprivation, the hunger, and the lateness of the hour, none of them really remembered much. About the closest they could come was getting on the highway then getting off at the right exit…but at that point the two were at a loss. They were soon wandering aimlessly through the streets trying to find something they remembered.

Now, both ponies, tired, exhausted, and yawning, were slowly going down the road, looking about every which way. Neither of them even felt good getting coffee at this point, so, naturally, they were nodding off at the wagon.

Carl sighed and looked around a bit. “This neighborhood doesn’t look familiar…”

“Of course it doesn’t. It was dark when we went through it last night.”

“No, dude…look at this place. No graffiti. Kids playing. Even trees planted. This neighborhood is nicer than anything we went through last night so it has to be the wrong one. We need to go to a bad neighborhood…”

“Carl…half of this town is a bad neighborhood…”

The green pony sighed. “Even if I had the slightest idea where to find the place, I’m too tired to think about it. Can we at least stop somewhere for some sugar or something?”

“No.” Sam managed to sharply respond. “Stopping for food is what got us into this crap in the first place. Come on man…you’ve pulled all nighters before, haven’t you? Well we’re dead in less than 48 hours unless we can find this spot so even if we have to go through every last street in this town, let’s keep looking. We don’t have time to stop to look for your damn shakes…”

Carl frowned and looked to him. “How do you know for sure I was going to ask that we look for a Marble Creamery?”

Sam gave him a dark look.

Carl was quiet. He finally looked away and muttered. “…Lucky guess on your part.”

Sam shook his head and looked forward again. “I’d be happy if we could just get some cookies to nosh on…” He shook his own head and slapped himself in the face with a hoof. “Come on, Carl…for once we really need your attention to detail. You got to remember something about last night?”

“I’m sorry, man…I can’t think of anything but those shakes lately…”

“Well, try, dude!” Sam retorted. “Our asses are on the line!”

The green stallion winced a bit, and looked up and around more. As he looked about, however…he paused. His eyes were fixed on something.

“…I don’t know about the bakery, but I found something else.”

“Like what?”

“Like these dudes following us.”

Sam paused on hearing that. He looked up to the window.

A bit behind them, about half a block, was another wagon…this one more of the “muscle” type with two dark-looking ponies with grim looks on their faces pulling it. They seemed to be on the muscular side and also had scars and tattoos. Both of their eyes were focused forward on their wagon.

Sam stared a moment before swallowing a bit, then looked back to Carl. “…Maybe it's just a coincidence."

“Oh yeah? Turn here.”

Sam hesitated, but then made the turn as indicated. As he went on ahead…soon he saw the car followed them. He paused, but then made the next turn. The other wagon kept following them. He tried a third…and still following. By now, he swallowed.

“Let’s…pick up the pace, Carl. Let’s make this a trot.”

The green stallion nodded, and then began to do so, picking up the speed. Unfortunately, the two ponies pulling the muscle wagon did the same. Sam, getting a bit nervous, turned them down another way. However, the wagon still stayed on their toes. Not only that, but it began to pick up speed at that point.

“…Alright, they’re following us.” Sam admitted.

“Correction…they found out that we found out that they’re following us.” Carl responded as he gazed at the mirror with an increasingly nervous look. “Look what they’re doing!”

Sam looked out again…just in time to see one of the ponies, as they picked up speed to catch up with the others, reach behind into the muscle wagon…and come out with a fire projector large enough to fit across a shoulder and engraved to look like an especially large and fearsome dragon.

“Holy sh’t!” Sam exclaimed.

“Full gallop! Full gallop!” Carl shouted back.

A moment later, both ponies immediately took off, tearing down the road as fast as possible. They yanked away from the pursuing ponies just as they got their weapon out, leaving them in the dust momentarily. Both reacted in surprise, but then flew into a rage before taking off them at full speed themselves.

In moments, the two were in a chase. Sam and Carl ran as hard as they could…but between the food deprivation, the sleep deprivation, and the earlier beatings, neither were hardly in “race condition”. They ended up running as fast and as hard as they could, but the larger and more powerful ponies soon began to rapidly close the distance to them. When that happened, Carl suddenly yanked them one way around a sharp corner. Although it nearly made Sam stumble, he went with, and they managed to whip their wagon down a street. The two heard an audible curse from behind them as the pursuing ponies were forced to slow down before their larger wagon could make the turn.

As the two struggled to gain some distance, they looked to each other in panic. “Who are those ponies?!”

“I don’t know! Maybe they thought we were trying to cut town when we left the apartment! Or maybe they’re undercover cops!”

“We got to ditch them!”

“I know, but…ACK!”

Carl was cut off as their entire wagon rattled. The pursuing ponies had caught up again and run forward to drive the bar between their yoke into the wagon Sam and Carl were driving. It caused a rather violent tremor to go through the vehicle, and made both of them snap their heads. The trunk on their car suddenly snapped open, letting the gremlin poke its head out.

“What’s with all the noise?!”

However, on taking one look at the pursuing ponies, he let out a whistle, went back in, and locked up again.

As Sam and Carl tried to look for another turn, the larger wagon pulled up alongside them, using the extra speed as an advantage. At that, it began to run into the side of them, trying to drive them off the road and into a building or sidewalk. Sam and Carl, in turn, tried to shove them back, but with little success. Finally, the chasing wagon drove hard into them and shoved them to the point where they ground one side of the wagon into a wall on the side street, struggling to run them into a light pole up ahead by keeping them pinned. Both Sam and Carl tensed up. They struggled to push free, but no success. If that wasn’t all, the pony with the fire projector raised it up even as he pushed into them and took aim.

“Brakes!” Sam shouted.

Immediately, both ponies snapped around, seized handles on the sides of the wagon, and gave them a yank…throwing brakes down on both wheels. With a loud squeal and some sparks, the wagon slowed to a near stop...causing the other wagon to shoot by. A shot went off...obliterating a brick wall on the side of the road, but both ponies were too out of control to stop themselves before they whipped around the pole and drove right into a stand of pallets and other garbage on the side of the road just ahead. To the sound of a resounding calamity, both vanished inside to the tune of an eruption of wood debris.

Both Sam and Carl took a moment to pause and catch their breath. They swallowed, thinking they had avoided this danger for the time being. However, their looks soon turned to fear again as the vehicle abruptly yanked itself out of the garbage and did a sharp rear U-turn to reposition their muscle wagon forward again. The two ponies now looked dirty, sore, and very angry.

“Oh Celestia…” Sam muttered.

“Don’t just stand there gawking at them! Let’s get out of here!”

Immediately, both released their brakes, ran backward to whip their own wagon back and around, and shot down the nearest street opening, running harder than ever before the muscle wagon went after them.

“What are we going to do?!” Sam outburst.

“We got to find a cop!” Carl shouted back. “I mean…they’ve got to try to arrest ponies for trying to kill us whether we’re suspects or not, right?!”

Abruptly, a ball of fire shot by them an blew out a storefront on their side. As they rushed past, bits of flaming debris and glass smacked over them.

“Sh’t! They’re really trying to kill us!”

“We can’t keep running forever, dude! What do we do?”

“I got it!” Sam responded. “Keep heading down this way! This leads back to one of the big business districts in Manehattan!”

“So?”

“So?! There’s going to be hundreds of ponies in that spot! They can’t just snuff us there without everypony seeing them!”

“You really think they care if they get seen?”

Another fireball shot out, this time hitting a wreck of an abandoned wagon on the side of the road and instantly igniting it. Both ponies ducked and winced as they charged past, before Sam snapped again.

“Just do it, Carl!”

Having no better options, Carl groaned and immediately ran as fast as he possibly could. Sam did much the same, and soon they were struggling for all they were worth to avoid their pursuers and get to the “better” part of the city.

The whole way, the ponies with the muscle wagon tried to run up to them to bump them off again and again, forcing Sam and Carl to hang corners frequently, as that was the only way to get a burst of speed. It also avoided the wrath of their weapon, as every time an opening occurred, they would fire off another blast of flame at them. Yet the two continued to run for all they were worth, forgetting their earlier exhaustion and hunger. As they ran forward, more wagons began to appear, forcing them to weave through the traffic and quickly snap one way and other other…but the ponies in the muscle wagon always just knocked the wagon aside as well as its driver. Over time, the two began to fear that this plan wouldn’t work. Even when pedestrians and other vehicles came near, they were still not giving up the chase… Sam was wondering what would happen first…that they’d find a cop or they’d give out in terms of strength…

Then, finally, they got a break. As they ran forward a bit more, suddenly the buildings began to look “slanted”, slightly, and the wagon got lighter…

The two ran on ahead a bit more, but soon began to look around. “Hey…” Carl said. “Did we lose some weight back there?”

Sam looked around as well as they kept running as their wagon grew lighter and lighter…until finally they felt nothing at all. Both ponies looked behind them as they continued to run…and saw their wagon slowly pulling off their attachments and coming in behind them…going faster than they were. Sam blinked, then looked out to the road again. He was just in time to see a sign go by that had a giant X over a picture of a pony with a wagon. He turned to Carl afterward.

“Dude, this is a steep grade downhill!”

“Perfect!” Carl retorted…before he suddenly leapt up and grabbed the strut on his side.

“Carl! What are you doing?!”

“Just grab on, dude! We can’t outrun these bastards on hoof!”

“We’ll go out of control, man!”

Suddenly, a fireball shot by and singed the tip of Sam’s ear, making him recoil a bit. Carl looked intently at him and continued to hold on. Muttering, Sam finally grabbed onto his own side and held on tight. And with neither pony providing any more resistance, the wagon continued to pick up speed.

Before long, the other ponies on the sides of the streets or going up the hill began to cry out and run out of the way as Carl’s wagon careened out of control at breakneck pace. Soon screams were running out about a “loose wagon”. Carl and Sam merely held on for dear life. As they did, the ponies in the muscle wagon charged after them…but first they slowed down their ability to gain a lead…then they began to fall behind. Not only that, but as they tried to push themselves harder and faster to chase after the two, it only propelled their own wagon more and more out of control. As they continued to charge, eventually their own wagon slipped loose and ran forward into the two ponies. They felt it touch them, and looked back in surprise…before trying to run harder. Finally, however, they couldn’t run any longer…and the wagon overtook them and knocked them both into it.

Carl managed to look back and see this, and realized their wagon was out of control too. At that, he looked back into his own wagon. Licking his lips, he reached out and managed to grab something out of it with his rear hoof…his coffee cup. Holding it in front of him, he gave it a kiss.

“You were truth in advertising, good buddy. You never spilled once. Celestiaspeed.”

With that, he flung the coffee cup out behind them. It twisted in mid-air on its side, hit the road…and provided a surface to roll on right as the wagon wheel of the muscle wagon struck it. The second it hit it at that speed, the wagon tilted up and wild, rolling out of control and snapping to one side before running into a gaslight post. The two muscular ponies cried out in shock as their wagon hit it, sending both flying through the air and into second floor windows of the surrounding buildings…moments before their wagon ignited into a ball of flame from smashing the gas line, along with their own weapon.

As a resounding flaming boom went up behind them, both Sam and Carl winced momentarily, but then looked up and behind them, seeing what was left. They turned to each other, their faces slowly breaking into smiles.

“I can’t believe that crap worked!” Carl exclaimed.

“You did it, man! You saved our lives!” Sam cheered.

Carl let out a mild laugh. “Yeah…cost me a coffee cup though…and I think I left a couple muffins on the road back there…”

Sam shook his head. “Whatever dude. Let’s just put on the brakes now before it’s too late. We go much faster and we’ll never stop without flipping…”

Carl nodded. Both ponies immediately put their hands on the handles and began to pull back slowly. For a moment, there was a loud squealing, and smell of burning wood and the look of smoke pulling out from the wheels. For a moment, Sam feared they might catch the wagon on fire…

When, suddenly, the brakes snapped all together on both sides, at once.

Both Sam and Carl glared at the now severed brakes in their hooves with eyes the size of dinner plates. They looked up to each other a moment later, before Sam grit his teeth. “Carl, you told me you go your brakes inspected before we went on this trip!”

“Dude! All he did was move the levers!” Carl shot back. Immediately, he gave a kick to the main wagon with his rear hoof. “Hey! Emergency blinkers!”

The pair of fireflies in the back lanterns began to blink…but only for a moment. On seeing how fast the wagon was moving, they suddenly retreated back inside and emerged with hats and suitcases before opening up the lanterns and flying off.

“…I’ll see you in Hell, you little bastards!” Carl screamed at them as they vanished.

“Dude, we’re screwed! At this speed we’ll rip our hooves off if we try to stop!” Sam cried.

“Don’t panic!” Carl shot back. “We just have to hold on until it levels off!”

As if on cue, shortly after saying this, the road began to flatten out again. It was only gradual, but it was enough to as they leveled back onto flat ground again, the wagon, while still going very fast and out of control, was in fact slowing down. Carl risked a small smile at that, and turned to Sam again.

“See? We’ll be fine!”

Sam swallowed a bit and looked around, before looking up. Immediately, he gave a yell. Carl looked up in response…and soon joined in.

The road was aborting in a t-intersection, and in front of them was one of Manehattan’s train stations…complete with a large crowd of ponies gathered outside of it. Neither Sam nor Carl had much chance to see what was happening and why they were there. They were too busy screaming and covering their eyes with their hooves as they ran into it and certain destruction. As for the ponies in the crowd, they turned and began to look to them, and soon screamed and bolted like water over a wedge as the out-of-control wagon careened right into them. Ponies nearly had limbs and heads taken off as they leapt for cover, and the wagon hit the sidewalk, immediately rippling and going unstable as it went clear off the road, past the walkway, onto the grounds around the station, and continued to shoot through the crowd. Neither Carl nor Sam said it, but as soon as the crowd parted…the two ponies and their wagon found themselves faced with a magazine stand. The proprietor barely had time to flee for it before the wagon smashed into it, ripping the entire stand off of its bearings, flinging magazines and papers bearing the headlines of “Princess Still Missing” everywhere, and finally collapsing in a heap…stopping the wagon and the ponies inside of it.

The large crowd of ponies was stunned. The few that had fled for it paused to catch their breath and heartbeats. Everyone else looked at the wreckage now, which was nearly to the front gates of the train station. For a moment, all was still. A few bits of paper fell. Some debris settled. Bolder ponies began to tentatively venture closer.

Suddenly, however, a sharp kick rang out from inside the wreckage of the stand, and the wagon was knocked loose and rolled back slightly. Giving a mixture of grunts, winces, and whines, Sam and Carl, bruised, dazzled, and dirty, with a newspaper lodged in Carl’s ears and two magazines stuffed in Sam’s eye sockets, picked their way out of the wreckage and stood up. Both looked like they had just had heart attacks, and kept their balance a moment, trying to get their bearings. Finally, Sam turned to Carl’s direction.

“Carl…I can’t see!”

“What?!”

“I can’t see Carl! I think I blinded myself!”

“You brightened your shelf?! Speak up!! You’re mumbling!!”

“Carl! Where are you?”

“Hardware Artoo?! What the hell are you talking about, Sam?!”

“I think there’s something in my eyes! Get it out!”

“Grout?! Sam, what do you want with grout at a time like this?!”

Sam groaned and grabbed for the magazines with his hooves, and soon yanked them out one after another. He blinked a few times, but soon blinked even more as lots of flashbulbs suddenly went off around them. Carl, naturally, did the same. Both of them looked around, and saw a number of the ponies were forming a half-circle around them, using advanced cameras to take their pictures. It was enough to make both wince.

Sam grit his teeth for a moment and raised a hoof to his eyes. “Dude, what’s with you ponies?”

As if to answer his question, Sam began to hear some of them talking.

“Whoa…and here I thought this beat would be boring…”

“Hey, here’s your headline for page 2! Crazed would-be assassins jump the gun!”

“These two look like the suspects in that arson case, too!”

Sam began to look around a bit more incredulously at that…before it dawned on him. They were surrounded by the press. As he looked a bit more, he saw some of them had badges for affiliates and periodicals, including one for Equestria Daily. It immediately made him swallow and tremble. As for Carl, he gave them all angry looks.

“Hey!! You want to say something to me, speak up, you bastards!! Don’t do that whispering crap!!”

Sam turned to Carl. “Dude…this is the news! Cover your face up, already!”

“What?! Come on, Sam!! Don’t tell me you’re in on this whisper joke too!!”

Groaning, Sam snapped his teeth out, seized the paper, and ripped it out of Carl’s ears. After spitting it to one side, he looked to him. “Dude! They’re taking our pictures and thinking we just tried to kill someone with your wagon! We need to get out of here!”

“What?!”

Sam groaned. “I said…!”

Carl suddenly burst into a grin and snickered. “No dude, I heard you. I just always wanted to do that gag.”

The blue stallion’s face fell and he gave Carl a long look. Then, he groaned and began to push himself out the rest of the way from the rubbish to get on all four hooves and start moving. “Just get back to your truck and get ready to-”

“Uh…what just happened here?”

Immediately, Sam froze and went rigid. Carl did much the same. Both of them slowly turned to see who had spoken…and found themselves looking at the entrance to the train station.

With a few assigned envoys on either side of her, who were dressed in Royal Canterlot armor, a young alicorn with a purple coat and a pink streak through her mane was currently frozen just on the bottom step of the train station entrance, giving both Sam and Carl a puzzled look. Near her side was a baby dragon with purple and green scales, hauling along some bags and boxes behind him and scratching his head at the sight.

“I heard the wagon drivers were bad in Manehattan, Twilight…but this is a bit ridiculous…”

Both Sam and Carl stared blankly.

“…Carl?”

“…Yeah, Sam?”

“…Tell me the lizard didn’t just call that purple alicorn ‘Twilight’.”

“…Ok, Sam…he didn’t just call that purple alicorn ‘Twilight’…although I know for a fact since we actually went to the coronation that we’re currently looking at Princess Twilight Sparkle, latest addition to the pantheon of gods of Equestria.”

“Yeah…and the press just thinks we tried to kill her, don’t they?”

“Pretty much, Sam.”

Even as he said this, the sound of police sirens began to become audible over the sound of flashbulbs, and they were a lot closer than either pony liked. Princess Twilight Sparkle, on the other hand, just stared at them in confusion while the dragon frowned at being called a ‘lizard’.

Immediately, the two shot to their feet, and began to head for the cart. Carl went straight for it, while Sam gave a sheepish grin and a curt bow.

“Uh-very-lovely-to-meet-you-your-highness-worshipfulness-but-we-need-to-get-out-of-here-Suffice-to-say-this-was-all-a-big-accident-we-weren’t-out-to-kill-or-hurt-anypony-it’s-a-long-story-and-we-got-to-”

“Hold it!” A stallion’s voice rang out through the crowd. “Hold it! Stop them! Don't let them get away!”

Sam turned to the crowd in fear…just in time to see a dozen policeponies suddenly come out and immediately start to deploy around him. As they did, the sirens grew worse and worse, and soon police wagons began to pull up all around the area. This caused the press, Sam, Twilight, and almost everypony else to snap up and look around in confusion. However, the policeponies continued to look at Sam and Carl sternly. Carl, on his part, had just managed to drag the bag from earlier out of the wagon before the policeponies came up to him, holding up magic firing gauntlets to keep him from escaping. Immediately, he gulped and backpedaled toward Sam. The blue stallion, however, didn’t notice. He only paled as he gazed about in fear.

As soon as the policeponies had them surrounded…the crowd parted one more time. With a dark yet smug look on his face, a new pony emerged from it: Lt. Gum Shoe. He came to a halt at a distance and flashed Sam a grin.

Sam blinked in astonishment. “Uh…hello, lieutenant. I understand this looks pretty bad, but…”

“Save it for the lawyers, asshole.” Gum Shoe answered. “I’ve got your ass, every last square inch of the amoebaed thing, and your puzzle-solving friend’s ass too. Real stupid of you…trying to burn down your own place of business to get rid of the evidence when I had a copy of your slip already.”

Sam immediately held up his hooves. “Now…wait a second…that wasn’t us. We-”

“Shut up.” Gum snorted. “Don’t bother trying to talk your way out of this one. There’s no way I can’t nail your ass to a wall after this. As I said…I had a copy, and I checked in on the other end. They never saw you and this isn’t their signature. That makes you a liar…and, in my book, that also makes you a drug runner.”

“We told you, it was a misunderstanding!”

Gum chuckled, rolling his eyes. “Don’t insult my intelligence, you jackass.”

“Hey!” A donkey called from the crowd.

“It’s an expression!” Both Sam and Gum yelled to him, before they looked back to each other.

“There’s 20 ponies who swear they saw two ponies that look just like you two along with a wagon that looks just like that one, give or take a few dents, fleeing the scene of the crime. Now I get a report you were on the run from a couple thugs and you crash right into the Manehattan Train Station right as Princess Twilight Sparkle herself arrives. You’re up to some serious sh’t, boys…and I’m not letting you out from under my hoof until you’ve spilled it plus the rest of your guts. After you’ve spent a night in isolation with other ‘guests’ of ours, of course.” Gum looked around to the other policeponies and motioned forward. “Tag ‘em and bag ‘em, boys.”

The officers began to advance. Sam swallowed and began to step back.

“Hang on a second! This has been a really big misunderstanding! Look…it wasn’t our fault!”

Gum merely chuckled. “Go ahead, wise guy…break for it. Run. Give me an excuse to have you shot in the back. You’ll make my day. Hell, just resist arrest and I can have you get a nice beating…”

The policeponies continued to close in as the crowd watched. Sam swallowed. This was it… Even if he somehow got out of jail, this would seal any attempt at getting the money from the Vices or ever finding the crate. They were dead…

Then, he saw something.

Abruptly, the policeponies paused. They looked to the side…and went wide-eyed before freezing completely. Other crowd members began to look as well, and soon they were gasping at what they saw. Sam, realizing that it wasn’t him, paused as well…before he heard Carl in his most dangerous voice possible call out.

“Ok everypony…everypony be very cool…put your magic gauntlets down…slowly back away…and nopony will end up getting hurt.”

Almost dreading what he would see after hearing that, Sam looked to the side, and his blue color turned white as a sheet.

Carl, looking strained and crazy…had the princess in a headlock, and had what looked like an oral syringe filled with yellow liquid pressed against her lips. The princess herself had gone perfectly rigid and was looking to him in panic. Obviously, she had not noticed him sneaking up on her. Neither had the guards, who had focused mostly on Sam and Gum. The dragon looked to them in panic. As for everyone else, their attention soon turned fully to this, and soon there were gasps and cries.

“Oh my Celestia!”

“He’s got the princess!”

“Somepony do something!”

“Twilight!” The dragon cried, nearly surging forward.

Carl, looking wild, yelled out again, jiggling the needle in Twilight’s mouth. “I told you all to be cool! START BEING COOL!”

Twilight winced in response to the feeling, but soon developed a tired look, letting out a sigh and a mutter that Sam could hear from this distance.

“’No, girls…it’s just a routine trip to Manehattan… No, you don’t need to come… No, I’m sure nothing bad will happen…’ I’m making sure one of the girls walks with me to the mailbox from now on…”

At any rate, the Royal Guards grabbed the dragon before he could run forward and spur Carl to do anything crazy, and the rest of the crowd went silent. The police stared.

Sam remained white. He moistened his lips, and then spoke softly. “Carl…” He said in a very even, mild tone. “…What the flying f*** are you doing right now?”

“Weapons. Remember, Sam?” Carl said quietly back to him as sweat rolled down his brow. “I took one of the old syringes lying around in the neighborhood and filled it with that industrial grade cleanser.” He immediately went bold again and shouted out. “You hear that, ponies?! I’ve got an oral syringe filled with industrial cleanser! One pump of this and I’ll rot her insides out in ten seconds!”

Twilight, however, went wide-eyed before that. “Wait…you’re shoving a used syringe in my mouth?!”

“Shut up, bitch!”

“Carl!” Sam immediately snapped back, before wincing and looking to Twilight apologetically. “Heh…I’m sorry, princess. He didn’t really mean to call you that. He’s just off his saltlick at the moment… We both love you very much.” Immediately he looked back up to Carl furiously. “Carl, let the princess go right this instant before you get us killed!”

“No can do, Sam. She’s our ticket out of here.”

“…What?!”

“Are you going to drop those weapons or do I have to drop the princess?!” Carl suddenly outburst to the crowd.

The policeponies hesitated. They turned and looked to Gum Shoe. He glared at them darkly, his smugness gone and replaced with quiet rage and anger. He held for a bit, but finally exhaled. Raising a hoof, he made a gesture. The policeponies turned back and slowly lowered their weapons to the ground.

Carl nodded, getting a weak, demented smile on his face. “Good, good…very good… See? This is going great. Everyone’s safe and happy… Now…all of you back away nice and slow.” With that, he began to move Twilight over, pushing her toward the wagon. “We’re going for a nice little road trip, just the three of us. Princess Twilight Sparkle, Sam Listens-to-Carl’s-Problems, and good ol’ Uncle Incarlsistency…who may or may not be a homicidal maniac so don’t test him.”

Sam gave him a glare. “…Why the hell did you just give them our names, dude?!”

“Sam…shut up and follow me…”

“No! Carl, let her go right now or we’re going to be in a world of sh’t!”

Carl continued to move Twilight. “Uh, news flash, Sam! We’re already in deep sh’t! We’ve got the mob and the police out for our blood now! The only way we can keep one of those guys off our ass is like this! We still need to get that money in less than 48 hours…less than 40 now…or we’re dead! Unless you’d like that ass-raping prison cell Officer Krupke over there is going to throw us into to be a death row cell block, then come on!”

“Twilight!” The dragon shouted again. He struggled against the guards holding her. “Let her go, you crazy jerks!”

“Good Celestia, isn’t anyone going to help her?!” A panicking bystander yelled.

“Somepony shut that kid up!” Carl suddenly screamed. “My hoof is getting itchy! I get nervous when I hear kids screaming and I do stupid sh’t like murder royalty!”

Everyone went quiet, and the police backed off. As a result, Carl quickly began to move Twilight over to the wagon. Sam, muttering a bit, began to follow after them, looking rather timid and nervous. “We’re really sorry about this… I swear we have a good reason for all this. Oh…and…thank you for stopping Nightmare Moon two years back. We’re all really happy about that.”

“No we’re not! We’re deranged lunatics who went out looking for someone to kill this morning!” Carl immediately shot back.

Sam grimaced. “Carl…they already think we’re totally insane…we don’t have to reinforce it…”

The three reached the wagon. Immediately, Carl reached out and smacked the back of the wagon with his hoof…causing the trunk to pop open.

Sam’s jaw nearly hit the ground. “Carl…you are not about to throw her in the trunk, are you?!”

“You two are starting to seem pretty crazy to me at this point!” Twilight suddenly outburst. “If this is an act, then it’s one of the better ones I’ve seen!”

“Shut up and get in the trunk, bitch!” Carl snapped.

“Carl, for the love of Celestia, you don’t have to keep calling her a bitch!” Sam screamed back.

Abruptly, the gremlin poked his head out and looked around a bit, and soon spotted Carl and Twilight.

“…Oh no, you are not about to throw that pony into my ho-”

He was cut off as Carl quickly shoved Twilight inside, surprising the princess as she went in, and then slammed the trunk door on her stunned and bewildered face. He quickly snapped to Sam. “Trust me on this.” He looked out to the others. “You all stay away from those weapons! Or my buddy in the trunk puts that princess in a meat grinder and starts slipping her out of the trunk a piece at a time!” He smacked Sam afterward with a hoof, indicating to get back in the front. “You’ll thank me for this later.”

“…I may kill you for this later, Carl.” Sam retorted as he quickly rushed to the front.

“…You ought to listen to your friend, city slicker.” Gum Shoe suddenly stated. He held back, but he glared at both of them darkly. “I’ll admit…I took you two for just cash-strapped junkies doing odd jobs. Looks like you’re a bit higher up on the totem pole than that. If you think your asses are in a vise right now, you just wait… You just called down the proverbial ‘Wrath of Luna’ on yourselves. There won’t even be enough of you left for the morgue to identify.”

Sam heard all of this as he strapped in, looking progressively whiter and sicker to his stomach. As for Carl, however, he merely locked himself in and then turned back to everyone else.

“And on that note…all of you count to 10,000 after we leave before you make a move, or I throw a cockatrice into the trunk with the princess!”

With that, he took off, forcing the nearly apoplectic Sam to ride off with him. The crowd didn’t dare move as they ran off away from the front of the train station, back onto the road, past the forming police barricade, and then rushed off down the street as fast as they could.

Sam, as he ran, felt like he was pulling his own hearse.

To be continued...

Author's Note

In regards to Carl's reference to the famous "future Twilight" episodes...no, Carl isn't observant enough in that regard to realize Princess Twilight Sparkle is the same pony.

"Mahiu" is supposed to sound similar to the Chinese word for "eels", similar to how "shayu" sounds like "sharks". And yes...what Westerners call 'foo dogs' are 'shi' in Chinese, or 'lions'. 'Shiong Mao' is Chinese for 'panda'.

Chapter 4 - Two Background Ponies and a Princess

The two ponies ended up going as fast and far as they dared. They had a head start on the police, and they needed to use it. After all, they had no idea if they were being called in or not. And so, as the hours went by, they went further and deeper into the city. They stuck to the bad parts of town, places with few police officers which were more secluded and down the more forgotten streets. They stayed away from whatever groups, radios, and newsstands that they could manage, and kept running to and past sundown, until they seemed to be far from both light and pony contact.

Only when that happened did the two ponies, tired, hungry, exhausted, and now both panicked at the knowledge that they had to be the most wanted individuals in the city, if not this half of Equestria, moved to a mostly empty parking lot that featured cracked and overgrown pavement. There was one lone street lamp, but because of the glare and the distance from the road, no one would easily tell what was there.

Once stopped, the two began to unhitch themselves, panting and near collapse. Carl’s eyes were lidded as he stepped out. “Dude…I can’t go any farther… We’re going to have to find some place to sleep tonight…and some food at least. I swear, I won’t complain this time, even if we go to ‘Speedy’s’-”

However, Carl was cut off as a hoof slammed into his head. He winced in pain.

“Ow!” He snapped to Sam. “What the Hell, man?”

Sam glared at him angrily through his own strained expression.

“…What the Hell? What the Hell?! It wasn’t bad enough that we got the Vices out to turn us into lawn jockeys, the police wanting to nail our asses in two different ways, and the fact that I have a hole dug so deep with Dawn I’ll be lucky if she is willing to look at me through plate glass after this is done, was it?! You had to commit kidnapping, didn’t you?! And you couldn’t even pick some damn bum or reporter?! You had to grab the princess!”

“I just saved our asses back there!” Carl retorted, just as angrily. “What the Hell were we supposed to do? Let them take us to prison for 24 hours of a bad porno before the Vices sent in some assassin to kill us?! I panicked and I did what I could…which is more than what you did!”

Sam just scowled and began to move to the back of the wagon. “…Let’s just get her out of there before she decides to banish us into the moon for 1,000 years. I pray to Celestia you didn’t get any of that crap in her mouth. I haven’t heard her move for two hours…”

Carl snorted and began to move to the back as well. “Relax, dude. She just fell asleep, I’m sure. Wagon rides always put me to sleep as a foal.”

“…I’m pretty sure you didn’t have the fact that you were kidnapped ‘keeping you up’, Carl.” Sam grumbled. “Hurry up and get the keys out…” He looked to the trunk next. “Princess? Are you in there?”

No response.

“Princess…” Sam began in a milder tone. “Listen…I’m really sorry about all this… We’re not really bad ponies and we just panicked back there… Tell her, Carl.”

“Yeah…all that ranting about being a homicidal maniac…that’s not me at all. I have OCD, yeah, but not that stuff. I have some anxiety issues…fixation…possibly Asperger’s…occasional violent mood swings…and there was that one time I tried to set a stable on fire when I was eight…”

“Thank you, Carl.” Sam snapped. “The point is…this was really just a misunderstanding and we didn’t mean for this to happen… We’re not going to hold you for ransom…we’re not going to hurt you…but we’d prefer if you didn’t run to the police right now about what we did because we’re in a pretty bad situation.” He paused and inhaled. “Alright…we’re going to let you out now.” He looked to Carl. “Let her out.”

“Hang on, man…I’m still trying to find the key.”

Sam frowned, but waited a few more seconds. Carl continued to go over the keys. “…Well?”

“I said I’m getting it!”

“Come on, man!”

“Look, all these keys look the same!”

“Would you hurry up? I’m getting nervous that she’s not saying anything!”

“Alright, alright! I got it!”

Finally, Carl leaned over with the key, put it in the lock, and gave a turn. The hitch popped, and the door flew open…

Before the two could even fully look inside, two pinkish-purple blasts of energy shot out from inside and blasted them both square in the face. A combination of sting power and force knocked both ponies to the ground on their backsides, and had them grabbing for their faces and bellowing in agony.

“Gaaah!”

“Ow! You crazy purple bitch!”

“Damnit, stop calling her that, Carl!”

“What the hell am I supposed to say when I get shot in the face?! ‘Thank you ma’am, may I please have another'?!”

As for the now-open trunk, Twilight, her hooves almost numb from being cramped in so long, began to drag herself out as best as she could to try and break for it. But as she got out, she immediately started to scream.

“Help! Help! I’ve been kidnapped! Call the police!”

On hearing this, both Sam and Carl snapped upward. In spite of their pain, both of them immediately ran for her before she could get out. “Wait a second! I told you it was a misunderstanding! Let us ex-”

Sam was cut off as a hoof smashed him in the face. As for Carl, Twilight snapped her head out and poked him in the eye with her horn and, while he was uttering curses, her other hoof lashed out and nailed him in the nether region to the tune of a loud crunch. He let out a cry that fainted into a whine before he went down again. “That…was still…healing…!” He croaked between clenched teeth.

Twilight, in spite of not being fully recovered, leapt out of the trunk on her unsteady hooves and tried to run. “Help! Police! Pol-”

Sam, sore, and with his nose bleeding again, had no choice but to suddenly lunge out and grab Twilight, using the force of his larger body to tackle her to the ground. Even then, she struggled to drag herself free and wriggle out, forcing him to clench his teeth through his own pain and hold on tight.

“Let me go!” She cried.

“Stop yelling!” Sam shouted back. “I told you, we aren’t trying to kidnap you!”

“Yeah right! You were just giving me the ‘suite’ in that trunk, weren’t you?”

“I told you it’s a misunderstanding! I’ll explain if you just calm down a moment!”

“I’m not about to listen to you when you stick an old syringe in my mouth filled with poison and then lock me in a trunk for five hours! If I didn’t know that penicillin spell, I don’t want to think of what I’d have right now!”

“Just calm down for five-“

Sam was cut off as Twilight tore a hoof free long enough to smash him in the face. She got free for a moment and went to her feet…only for Sam to groan and quickly leap forward and tackle her again in a tumble. The two rolled for a bit, before landing in a position with Sam pinning Twilight down. He paused for a moment, realizing he had the edge on her.

However, that ended quickly when Twilight frowned, before her horn ignited. A moment later…Sam looked up in surprise as his nose suddenly turned into a rabid squirrel, who foamed at the mouth, quivered, and twitched for a few seconds, before looking around and spotting Sam. Giving a fearsome roar, it suddenly pounced on Sam’s own head and, while still attached, began to claw and bite at it. Sam soon grabbed for his eyes and began to backpedal off of Twilight, allowing her to snap up again. Not wasting anymore time, she unfurled her wings and began to take off into the air…

She didn’t get far, though. Carl, grumbling and getting to his hooves again, reached inside the trunk while still swearing, pulled out a four-ended wagon wheel iron, and then flung it like a shuriken at her. The iron tool struck her in a wing, and she gave out a cry of pain before immediately falling to the ground and crash landing in a pile of garbage cans. The impact seemed to both hurt and stun her, leaving her immobile for a moment.

It also undid the spell on Sam, making the squirrel poof back into a nose. The blue stallion blinked a few times, shaking his head and wiping at claw marks, before he looked around and noticed what happened. Carl, on his part, grumbled one more time before beginning to hobble toward Twilight. After a moment, Sam snapped to him.

“Dude, would you stop assaulting her?!”

Carl grit his teeth. “Right now…she’s just lucky my aim is so bad, man… I was going for her head… Royalty or no, no one nails me in the balls after that eel treatment… Just get her before she gets away or uses another spell on us…”

Sam rolled his eyes, but, having no other choice, quickly began to rush up to Twilight along with Carl. The purple alicorn began to drag herself out of the garbage, but wasn’t able to fly again, and before she could even get up both jumped on top of her and pinned her. Immediately, she tried to cry out again, but Carl quickly stifled her. Soon, both were struggling to hold the alicorn down…not easy as her powerful wings kept going up and smacking them repeatedly.

After getting hit one time, Carl yelped. “Ow! F***, man! Those things really can break a bone!”

“Damnit, this just keeps getting worse!” Sam cursed as a wing smacked him in the eye.

“Just help me get her back in the trunk, man!”

“Carl, we can’t keep her in there forever!”

“Well until she calms down and listens to us, that’s what I’m doing! I’m definitely not putting her in the seat! Because, bad part of town or not, we’re making a scene! We’ll have ponies accusing us of sexual assault before long!”

Sam groaned. “But how are we supposed to get her in there, man?! She’s kicking and fighting too much!”

“Look…just hold her down for a f-********************CK!”

The green stallion turned into a yell as Twilight managed to get her broad teeth free enough to clamp down on his hoof.

About forty-five minutes later, Sam and Carl, both sore and injured now in addition to tired and hungry, slowly walked down the road back toward their condo. They had made hasty dressings over their worse injuries, although it still looked like both of them had gone 15 rounds with the world heavyweight champion. In spite of that, they were in a somewhat better and more relaxed mood. As they walked a bit further, Sam looked behind him into the wagon, and then back up to Carl.

“…She hasn’t made any noise in a while. You think she finally calmed down?”

Carl frowned and shook his head. “I wouldn’t bet on it. She looked like was ‘playing possum’ last time…”

Sam again looked behind him, then back to Carl. “…You sure? She went into the trunk the second time easy enough, all things considered. How’d you get her to stop trying to fly away, anyway?”

“Salt.”

“…Huh?”

“Table salt, dude. Everyone knows you can keep a pegasus from flying by sprinkling salt on their wings. Gets between the feather bristles and they can’t lock together. They’re grounded.”

Sam looked behind him again, then back in front once again. “…How about magic? I thought she could teleport.”

“Peanut butter and baby oil.”

“What?”

“Old folk remedy. Spread a mix of peanut butter and baby oil on a unicorn’s horn and they can’t use magic. My grandma taught me that one. She used to have to take care of unicorn kids at the hospital when she was an RN.”

“…No kidding?”

“No kidding.”

Sam exhaled and walked forward a bit further. Finally, he looked to Carl one more time. “So…what trick did you use to keep her from just trying to kick her way out?”

“I took a garden shears to her hamstrings and clipped them.”

“What?!”

Carl immediately winced. “Dude, chill out! I’m joking again! You didn’t think I’d actually mutilate a pony, did you? Especially a princess! Of course I didn’t cut her hamstrings!”

Sam just quivered as he stared at Carl for a moment, then sighed and looked away. Carl looked forward as well and walked forward a bit more.

“…I drugged her.” He said quietly after a moment.

Sam’s head snapped to him again. “What?!”

“What other choice did I have, Sam?! She was going to break my ribs and knock out my teeth between her kicking and wing flaps! What, did you think she just 'gave up' and decided to go back in the trunk?!”

The blue stallion hissed. “…Just keep your damn voice down, man! I don’t want to advertise we have a mare in the trunk!” He said in a harsh whisper.

“You’re the pony who started yelling!” Carl harshly whispered back.

“Look…what did you give her and how much?”

“Some allergy medicine, dude! That drowsy stuff!”

“Ugh…people can overdose on that crap, man!”

“Stop being such a filly, Sam! My mom used to give that to me and Farrah growing up when we were out of control! Look how we turned out!”

“…”

“…Alright, bad example. But she’s an adult!”

Sam grimaced, but shook his head. “How long do you think until she wakes up?”

“Well, I’m not exactly an anesthesiologist, Sam…”

“Whatever…we’ve got to head back to the apartment now.”

“What?! That’s suicide! The cops will be there!”

“Well we’ll have to sneak in then!” The blue stallion retorted. “I didn’t know we were going to be wanted by police when we left to find that bakery this morning! So I left the conch shell there! Besides, the mob is expecting us to move in and out of there! And I’m not going to try and wake her up while we’re still on the road after last time!”

Carl muttered a bit, but then finally exhaled. “Fine…but Sam, we’ve got to find some food and a place to sleep. I feel like I’ve got nothing left…”

“It’s only a couple more blocks. Look…give me a guess on how much longer that stuff is going to last.”

Before Carl could say a word, suddenly a muffled groan came from the back, before the sounds of movement followed by a “thunk” and a sharp cry. There was some muttering for a moment, before a sound rang out.

“…Huh? Ugh…not again!”

Soon, there was repeated movement and clattering in the back. Carl exhaled. “…Not long, apparently.”

“You two are going to be a pair of frogs the second I get out of here!” Twilight’s muffled voice rang out from the back. “Now let me out and get this crud off my horn!”

“…You know, you should really learn to say things in the proper order.” Carl suddenly called back with a sardonic voice. “Like me, for example…I would have said for us to let you out and get the crud off your horn before I threatened to turn anyone into frogs the moment I get let out. And you know…it wouldn’t hurt to say ‘please’.”

Sam groaned. “Carl…shut up.” He turned back as well. “Look…ignore him. He’s still unhappy about you nailing him in his package…”

“Well I’m still unhappy about being locked in this trunk!” Twilight snapped. “Now let me out of here!”

The blue stallion hesitated for a few seconds. Finally, however, he spoke in a firmer voice.

“No.”

Carl actually looked to him, seeming a bit surprised at that.

“Let me out of here!” The princess demanded.

“No.” Sam responded, more forcefully. “Not unless you calm down and listen to what we have to say first.”

“I don’t have to listen to anything you have to say after you kidnapped me!”

“Fine then. Stay in the trunk.”

There was a pause…then the whole wagon began to shake as Twilight fought furiously. “Let…me…GO!”

“Listen, your highness!” Sam suddenly shot out with increasing boldness. “Right now, you may feel like crud with what happened to you…but as bad as you think you have it right now, your day hasn’t been half as bad as ours! I know you’re royalty and you’re a nice pony, which is why this isn’t exactly easy on me either! But all day today people have been ordering us around, threatening us, and trying to kill us for something that wasn’t even our fault and not even giving us a chance to explain ourselves! I’m getting a bit tired of being yelled at and walked on! So unless you calm down and listen to us you’re staying in the trunk! Alright?”

There was actually silence in the back of the trunk for a moment. The fighting subsided. Carl actually blinked a few times at Sam, who, in turn, took in and out a few deep breaths, looking like he had just pushed himself to say that. Time slowly ticked by.

Finally, a sigh came from the back.

“Alright…I’m listening.”

With that, Sam inhaled a bit, and then spoke more calmly. “We’re a couple of stallions from Ponyville.”

“…I live in Ponyville. I’ve never seen you two before.”

“Well, no one really seems to ever notice us.” Carl threw in, his own voice calmer. “We’re always, I dunno, ‘in the background’. Just faces in a line of ponies. We’d only probably get noticed if we went cross-eyed one day…”

“Anyway…the point is we both got fired from our jobs recently but we really need to pay for my wedding to the girl of my dreams, Dawn Charger. I promised her I’d pay because I thought I was getting a promotion, but some brown nosing son-of-a-boss stole it from me and had me canned so he could take my salary and add it to his. Now my soon-to-be father-in-law is literally threatening my life if I don’t come through with the money for the wedding.”

“What does any of this have to do with kidnapping me or driving your wagon into the train station?”

“We’re getting to that.” Carl answered. “We looked all over Ponyville but no one was hiring enough to even maintain our standard of living. So I got this idea to make money quickly. Sam got left a condo in his great uncle’s will, so we figured we’d move to Manehattan and get one of those high income jobs doing something nopony wants to do, and save on it because we already own our own place. Once we have a month’s worth of cash and a paycheck stub record, we’d go back to Ponyville and use the record to get a loan for the wedding. We figured we could get a good one because we’d have a higher income level than doing similar jobs in Ponyville by living in Manehattan.”

“…So you did all of this to commit bank fraud?” Twilight asked.

“No!” Sam immediately shouted back, before sighing. “Look…the only job we could find was working for this small delivery company that worked 24 hours. But no one, including our bosses, told us that the place actually was involved in opium trafficking from Pacesia to Equestria. We were sent out to deliver a crate of what we thought was sprinkles to a 24 hour bakery, but the sprinkles were actually drugs and the place we were taking them was a dummy company for the guys who grew and harvested the stuff. We were supposed to run the crate by a warehouse and let some guys switch it for a different crate that had the money the stuff was worth, and then we needed to go and drop it off at the bakery, giving them their cash for the drugs.”

“Except no one told us that, and when we arrived by mistake…”

“Thanks to Carl trying to ‘get even’ with a damn chain restaurant…”

“Sam…please don’t interrupt. Like I said, we went to the right warehouse by mistake, and when we did, they swapped out crates. By the time we got back, we assumed they were trying to steal the current one and we attacked them and made a run for it. Before we knew it, the Vices are out for our blood. So we panicked and dropped the crate off at the first 24 hour bakery we could find."

“This morning, we found out about it the hard way…the police dragging us into the station before the Vices drug us off to get beat. Now they want 100,000 bits in less than 36 hours, or we’re both dead. They might try to hurt our families and friends too.”

“Although I’d be fairly cool with that on my end…”

“Carl…shut up. The only money we can get now is if we find where that crate was. But when we tried to get it, first we find the place we work for in flames, then we find our condo trashed, and then these thugs were looking for us when we tried to find it by memory. We nearly got killed escaping them! And we ended up driving out of control into that train station. That policepony…he’s crazy! He thinks we’re bums out for quick dough! He was going to throw us in a cell without trying to follow up on our story! And if the police get us now, the Vices will think we spilled our guts and we’ll be good as dead. So Carl…he panicked and took you hostage. Neither of us want to hurt you or kidnap you, but…”

He exhaled.

“Please…will you just go along with this for a bit longer? The only way we can keep the cops off our back is if they think we’re holding you hostage.”

The two ponies walked on slowly a bit farther. There was no answer for the trunk for a long time.

Finally, a sigh went out.

“…Open the trunk.”

Carl and Sam slowed to a stop, but didn’t move any further. Another groan went out.

“Look…I promise I won’t yell, I won’t scream, and I won’t run off until I can confirm or deny your story…but only if you let me out of the trunk right now.”

The two ponies hesitated for a moment, but then finally unhitched themselves and moved to the back. After looking around to make sure they weren’t being watched and the neighborhood was dark enough, Carl exhaled nervously, got out his keys, leaned over to undo the door and, as soon as he had the key in and enough to turn, both ponies snapped back, expecting to be blasted again as the trunk went open.

However…nothing happened, other than a haggard and stiff-looking Twilight leaning her head out of the back and stretching it. After that, she let out a sigh.

“Alright…you two need to get to the police station right now with your hooves up. I’ll walk in front of you…they won’t open fire if I-”

“Uh-uh, no way, lady.” Carl immediately retorted. “There’s not a chance in Hell we’re turning ourselves in.”

“You two don’t have a choice. You kidnapped me. By tomorrow morning, half of the Royal Guard in Canterlot is going to be combing this city, especially since this is the last place anyone saw Princess Celestia. They might be trying to pin her on you too right now.”

“Look…we’ll go to the police as soon as we cleared things with the Vices…but for right now we’re in way too deep.” Carl answered. “We can’t go to the police until they have their money and they know we wouldn’t gain anything by ratting on them.”

“Then you have to let me get back. If I explain the situation, maybe they’ll ease off of you…”

“Can’t do that either.” Carl answered.

“Princess, I know you’re trying to help, but…there’s ponies out there who want us dead at this point. We’ve got to try and clear that up before we force ourselves to be stuck in a place.”

Twilight paused for a moment to hear this. Finally, she let out an exhale. “Alright…in that case…how are you supposed to let them know when you have the money?”

“They gave us a one-way conch shell.” Sam responded. “We left it at the condo before we left.”

“Fine. You two need to head back to your condo and get that conch shell and a radio or some way to keep up on the news. Because they may call you at any time and you have to make sure you can answer it, and you need to know what the police are doing.”

“Whoa, whoa!” Carl exclaimed as he threw his hooves up. “You’re with Sam? Actually saying we should go back to where the police know we live?”

“Relax.” Twilight answered. “According to the official Manehattan Police Department Charter Revised Edition 4.91.8.1, the stakeouts of suspected locations need approval by at least two city council members. And since I got into town so late, they had already concluded business for the day and went home. They'll have to call them back in. It won’t be until midnight that they’ll clear the paperwork.”

Both Sam and Carl blinked.

“…You really know all that?”

“Why were you reading the Manehattan Police Department Charter?”

“It was a long train ride, and I brought some reading material on Manehattan.”

Both continued to stare.

“…And that’s what you thought looked interesting?”

Twilight groaned. “Look…you two only have about an hour, so you better get moving.”

“Alright, alright!” Sam retorted before giving Carl a hoof to the shoulder and turned to head over to the front again. Carl turned and began to move back as well. As for Twilight, she was about to follow, but then sighed and leaned back in the trunk like an uncomfortable recliner.

“And can we get a towel or something while we’re at it so I can clean off my horn? I’m more useful to you two able to do magic…”

Getting the last leg of the trip was a bit harder than either Sam or Carl wanted, but there was nothing for it now that Twilight wasn’t in the trunk anymore. They had to quickly arrange some sort of disguise for her, and there wasn’t much available other than Carl’s old high school jacket and ball cap, neither of which had been washed in a long time, but it was either that or nothing. Very reluctantly putting the jacket on over her wings and front hooves, and the cap low enough to hide her horn under the bill, Twilight got into the driver’s seat. Despite being afraid that someone would spot her, Sam couldn’t help but feel a bit better since the princess was going along with this. He felt a bit more at ease knowing she was a pro at magic and had some clout. It actually raised his spirits a bit. Unfortunately for Carl, even looking at Twilight seemed to make him pinch his rear legs together, so he was still “coming around”.

Twilight finally let out an exhale as they neared the condo. “…Can you two at least let me write a letter? I have friends who could help us out. And if it’s a message from me, technically you two didn’t send it.”

Sam looked to Carl at that. “…That could work.”

“Well…we should still have some left back in the condo.” Carl admitted. “But why not write to Princess Celestia? She listens to you, doesn’t she? Can’t she pass an executive order getting us out of all of this or something?”

“I guess you two haven’t been reading the news.” Twilight answered. “Princess Celestia has been missing for a couple days now. Usually it’s no big deal. I mean…she vanishes a lot. But it’s not like her to miss one of these meetings at the United Neightions. It was enough where I was called to come and fill in for her. And I have to present still…”

Carl grimaced. “Great. We’ll just throw that on the pile of ‘big monumental things that hinge on us getting that money’.”

“Anyway…here’s the condo.” Sam announced as it became clear just up ahead. “Let’s pull in, get out, get the stuff, and get moving.”

“Then we need to find a place to sleep…” Carl groaned. “Ponies are going to start thinking I need to be euthanized if I keep walking this funny…”

Not long after, the wagon pulled in front of the condo. In minutes, the three were out, looking around for no signs of followers, and then moved to the door and started to head upstairs. They walked a bit discretely, making sure no one was loitering in the halls. Even a wino or a junkie was preferable to avoid at this point, especially since none of them had any way to cover up Twilight’s Cutie Mark, which was a dead giveaway. But luckily, the whole place seemed to be empty. There weren’t even any hobos waiting at the door when they arrived, quickly unlocked it, and stepped inside.

Once Twilight was in, Carl moved back to the door, shut it, and locked it. Sam looked up and around a bit, as Twilight turned to him. “Now…do you have a radio?”

Sam looked over to the counter, and pointed. “It’s right over…there…”

Soon, however, the earth pony trailed off. His eyes went a bit wide. His reaction soon made Carl look to him as well, followed by Twilight. They all followed his gaze to the counter, where the radio was…along with something else.

What looked like a conspicuously large couple of fortune cookies were set on the counter as well, both emblazoned with Pacesian characters.

The three stared at them uneasily a moment.

“…Normally, I’d be wild about getting free cookies, Sam…but those kind of make me lose my appetite. What are they and how did they get here?”

“I don’t know how they got here,” Twilight spoke up. “But those are ‘Pacesian Wheel of Fortune Cookies’. They’re usually used to give messages or fortunes that are…bad news. If what you two told me is true, I have a pretty good idea of who sent them.”

Carl held a moment, staring at the cookies, and then suddenly spoke up. “…I’ll go get you that towel, Twilight. Have fun opening those things.” He said before he darted off.

Sam looked to him and frowned, but Twilight shook her head. “Relax. They’re big, but that’s because they have magic messages inside them, not booby traps or anything like that. Break it open. They usually go bad if they stay out too long.”

The blue stallion swallowed, but then moved over to the cookies, as if expecting them to leap up and bite him or, worse yet, give him another deep tissue massage. On reaching them, he looked over both cookies for a moment, but then finally decided on the closest one. Tentatively reaching his hooves out, he grabbed either side. Beads of sweat running down his face, he gave it a sharp shove, breaking it in half.

Immediately, green mist began to flow out in a tendril. But rather than make a message, a voice soon began to ring through the air…that of Nek Tuu Long.

“…What, now? Did the ping go off? I didn’t hear the ping go off. It did? …It did a few seconds ago?” A Pacesian curse. “…Accursed crappy Equestrian relics… Anyway…” His voice began to address them. “Hello, insipid earth ponies. I thank you for taking time out of your busy schedules of wallowing in mud like the swine you are to actually find this cookie message, though I suppose the only way to attract your tiny brains is by setting out some form of pastry in front of it. Here’s the news…

“When I gave you two imbeciles 48 hours to come up with my money, did you honestly think I was just going to sit in my tea chamber with my ears covered and my eyes shut and let you do whatever? I’ve had my boys keep their eyes on your condo all day, morons! And guess what they tell me? They haven’t seen you in six hours!

“I don’t appreciate grass-eating mule deer like yourselves testing my patience. Obviously my ‘hospitality’ didn’t convince you how serious I am. Therefore, I have, how do you say, ‘taken things to the next level’. Break open the other cookie right now. I’ll wait.”

Sam, paling and swallowing at this point, nervously reached over and put his hooves on the other cookie. Dreading what would be the result, he almost looked away before forcing it open. When it broke, a second plume of green smoke went into the air, wisped around, and then began to “play a voice”.

A familiar mare’s voice.

“Hel…hello? Sam…? Can you hear me…? What’s going-”

The voice was cut off, and the smoke expired. Sam, however, felt his face flood with the most fear yet.

That was Dawn’s voice.

“I warned you, little sh’t!” Long’s voice continued from his cookie. “It didn’t even take me 20 minutes after I had you two thrown out to find out about your fiancée! I own your ass! You get me my money! And you get it to me by noon on Thursday or I turn your girlfriend into a porcelain statue and then mail her to you one broken-off piece at a time!”

The smoke slowly faded after this was done. Sam stared open-mouthed as the cookie. Soon after, his rear legs gave out behind him, and he slumped down on that end. His front hooves held him up only because they were left locked. Twilight too was astonished, staring and blinking at the cookie in shock herself.

After a moment, Carl came back in the room, the shell in one hoof and a towel in the other. However, once there, he paused and looked around.

“…Bad news, eh? Well how bad could it be if it wasn’t a bomb?”

Sam slowly closed his eyes, but didn’t have the strength anymore to yell at Carl. He was stricken with fear, sadness, and panic now. His heart was beating in his chest and he was terrified to think that right now his girlfriend was shoved in some back room in a Pacesian restaurant, facing each moment thinking it would be her last.

“…It was the Pacesians, Carl.” He stated softly at last. “And they’ve got Dawn…and they’re going to kill her if we don’t pay them.”

Carl was silent after hearing that. His mild joking attitude evaporated. Twilight, on her part, grimaced quite a bit, and then looked to them both.

“Well…don’t know if this helps…but I think I believe you two now unless you’re going to a really elaborate length…”

Sam remained silent, bowing his head and putting a hoof to his brow. Carl, on his part, put the things down and scratched his head.

“Even if we find that crate, this isn’t good… We only got 36 hours or less to try and find a way to double it-”

Suddenly, Sam slammed his hooves down on the counter and snapped up the green stallion. “Damnit, Carl! This is all your fault!”

Carl recoiled at the sudden outburst, but once it was done he was astonished. “Wha…me?! How the hell is this all my fault?!”

“This was your dumbass idea!” Sam retorted. “You’re the one who told us to go on this demented loan fraud scheme that got us into this! And now we’re getting several beatings a day, standing around in a rat trap, we’ve got the police out to kill us and the mob out to turn us into décor, and now Dawn’s going to die…because of you! None of this would have happened if you hadn’t come up with this scheme! And none of it would have gone to Hell if you hadn’t insisted on placing that dumb order at ‘Speedy’s’!”

Carl frowned back. “Well maybe, if for once in your life, you actually stood up to somepony instead of always just rolling over and letting them treat you like manure and just ‘accepting’ whatever anyone throws at you, you’d still have a job and I wouldn’t have had to come up with this plan in the first place!”

Sam opened his mouth to speak again…before purple, glowing muzzles suddenly laced over the mouths of both him and Carl. Both were surprised, but then looked to the source. Twilight was frowning as she finished wiping off her glowing horn with the towel.

“Guys…I’ve been in more situations like this before too, you know, and two friends going at each other’s throats never ends well.”

“Bbbt hhh’s bnning ah pssy.” Carl protested.

“Whht ddd yyy clll mmh?!” Sam retorted.

Twilight sighed. “You two breaking down and attacking each other isn’t helping anything!” She retorted. “Especially since the walls in this building look paper thin! Anyone can overhear you! Now let’s just take the shell and the radio and get out of here!”

Sam and Carl both looked dark for a moment, but seemed to calm down a bit. As they relaxed, Twilight used her horn to turn on the radio. After adjusting it a bit, a news report came on. A moment later, and the muzzles released, allowing Sam and Carl to speak again.

“…Jerk.”

“…D*ck.”

“Sssh!” Twilight snapped. “Listen!”

“And now, an update in our top story… We are now entering the seventh hour of the abduction of Princess Twilight Sparkle. The two suspects involved in the kidnapping have had their identities confirmed: Incarlsistency and Sam Listens-To-Carl’s-Problems. Incarlsistency has a history of obsessive compulsive disorder, mood swings, and work-place-related violence and assault…”

“I didn’t even send him to the hospital!” Carl snapped.

“Sssh!”

“While Sam Listens-To-Carl’s-Problems was fired recently for being, and I quote, ‘a troublemaker, corporate saboteur, rebel, and possibly mentally ill’ presence at his former job, as relayed to us by his former employer.”

“…For not polishing my hooves every day?!” Sam raged.

“Be quiet and listen!”

“Based on the information being relayed to us by the Manehattan Police Department, it seems these ponies are involved in the drug trade within the city as well. Following the numerous threats made to the police earlier today, including threats to feed the princess into a meat grinder and send her back to the police a unit at a time, these two are considered both armed and highly dangerous, and are being pushed to the top of the most wanted list in Manehattan. We now receive word that they are suspected to be involved in the disappearance of Princess Celestia as well, which will likely elevate them to the top of the Equestria’s Most Wanted list by noon tomorrow.”

Both Sam and Carl were stunned.

“…And to think…Farrah said I’d never amount of anything… Maybe I did overdo it…” Carl muttered.

“Already, numerous Canterlot Royal Guards have arrived in Manehattan to expand the growing operation…at least, as soon as the paperwork gets through this evening as most of the bureaucracy had gone home.”

Twilight flashed a satisfied smile.

“Due to the weight of the situation and the need for action, however, Canterlot Royal Decree #99 is being implemented in this situation. The Royal Guard did not elaborate more on this at this time. We will keep you posted.”

Twilight’s smile evaporated and the corners of her mouth nearly hit the floor. The change was so instant it made both Sam and Carl look to her. Both of them grew rather nervous.

“…That’s normally not a good sign.” Carl muttered.

“Princess, what is Canterlot Royal Decree #99? Is it good or…bad?”

Twilight continued to stare blankly at the radio.

“…You two are going to be dead long before the next 36 hours are up.”

“…Ok, that’s bad.” Carl flatly responded.

Shaking her head, the alicorn nervously exhaled before looking to them.

“Canterlot Royal Decree #99 is a rule that Princess Celestia and Princess Luna hold in reserve more for ‘convenience’ than anything else as an emergency rule. They never intended on actually using it. They must have done it during the day, before Luna came out… It allows the activation of the ‘Quarter Horses’, the ‘super-elite’ of the Canterlot Royal Guard who are given authority to operate ‘outside the law’. About the only law for public safety they can’t ignore is directly killing a pony…although they can have as many ‘accidental’ deaths as they want.”

Both Sam and Carl paled. Twilight sighed and continued.

“We’ve been trying to ‘phase them out’…and there’s actually only one member left…but he’s a bad one. Celestia wouldn’t close the Quarter Horses because she’s afraid of what he might end up doing… His name is Atlas…and he’s an Augean pony.”

Carl’s eyes shot open wide, and he nearly stammered. He turned to Sam soon afterward. “D…Dude…that’s a carnivorous horse!”

Sam sighed and shrugged. “So what? Dude, I thought we went over the fact that we all eat meat.”

“Sam…he eats other horses! Raw! And alive!”

Now it was Sam’s turn to be shocked. He snapped back to Twilight. “How the hell is that guy employed in the Canterlot Royal Guard?!”

Twilight could only offer a pitiful shrug. “Equestria is equal opportunity for everypony, and tolerators have to tolerate.”

“You couldn’t make one exception?!”

“Anyway…this guy is crazy! He sniffs out criminal ponies like a bloodhound! He rips off hydra heads with his bare hooves! He once turned a cockatrice to stone by looking it in the eye! His resistance to pain is beyond belief! He has at least eight spear tips still stuck in his body from ponies who tried to kill him but he doesn’t even notice them! One time, he got eaten by an adult dragon…chewed up, mind you, not just swallowed whole…and he ripped his way out of its stomach up through its diaphragm and then pried open its rib cage with his bare hooves and exploded out of its chest!”

“Motherf***er!” Carl exclaimed, nearly passing out.

“Oh sh’t, oh sh’t, oh sh’t…”

“We have to get out of here right now. The longest anypony has ever stayed on the run from him is one day. It’s like he knows where ponies are going to be! And if he finds you two, he’ll break your limbs, beat the living crud out of you, and then eat your still-breathing bodies…starting at the tail and working his way up.”

“…Thanks for that lovely image! Maybe you should have saved it until we were already on the run!” Carl snapped.

Sam, on his part, quickly gathered his own things and then turned for the door. “Right…let’s get out of here right now and find that bakery. I mean…after all, at least no one can track us there, right?”

He took a step toward the door, before Twilight quickly reached out and pushed him back.

“Whoa! We can’t go out the front door of anyplace anymore!” She immediately stated. “We’ve got to keep an eye out for Atlas!” Immediately, she turned and began to move toward the back of the place. “There’s a fire escape out this way! Come on!”

Sam, however, looked to her in shocked. “What the…they just announced he came out! You’re thinking he could find us this quick?”

“I told you…he’s good.” Twilight called back as she vanished down the hall. “Just one more thing…keep an eye out for a Classic Red Charger wagon from now on! He always takes his own wagon everywhere he goes. It’s his signature. So as long as we see a police vehicle instead of that, we’re in the clear…relatively speaking.”

The blue stallion paused, inhaling and exhaling. After that, he shook his head, then turned to Carl. “…Let’s get out of here and find a place to sleep before looking for that bakery anymore. I’m so sleepy at this point I’m not thinking straight.” He turned to move, but then paused and looked back.

Carl wasn’t moving. His eyes were wide and he was shaking like a leaf.

“…What now, Carl?”

“C…C…C…” He began to stammer as one of his hooves, quivering all the way.

Sam blinked. “…C?”

“C…Cl…Clas…Classic…” Carl continued as he moved his hoof up to the window. “R…R…R…”

The blue stallion followed his hoof and looked out the window, and felt his stomach sink into his feet.

There was a Classic Red Charger wagon parked across the street outside.

Almost immediately…the room began to shake rhythmically, to the tune of colossal footsteps. It seemed reminiscent of a dinosaur. Both ponies paled, and slowly looked to each other as bits of debris and dust started to rain down from the ceiling while the presence got closer. After a time, fractures actually began to appear in the thin walls, causing both to shake more than ever before as they looked to the front door…just as a monstrous shadow loomed in behind it. Neither made a noise, trying to make like the condo was abandoned.

They soon heard a sound like a dragon snorting, before a voice that would have made King Sombre himself sound like a beaver rang out on the others side.

“This condo…smells like fear.”

Abruptly, part of the door exploded as a hoof laced with so much muscle that the two ponies could hear the skin stretching came out from the other side, curled through and around the handle, and then undid the lock, before withdrawing again.

“…Run for it…Carl…” Sam croaked meekly.

“I can’t…” Carl whined. “I think the sheer power of his stallionliness has made my body forget how to work the legs…”

The doorknob slowly turned…before the entire door frame and a good portion of the surrounding wall was snapped off and moved into the room, being swung open like a real door. A monstrous hulk of a pony stepped in on the side side, coal black, laced with tattoos and a few scars, skin tight around his rock-hard mountain of muscles, and mane cut short with a pair of reflective sunglasses over his eyes. He easily stood twice the height of Sam and Carl as he entered the room, and then froze.

A moment later, his head snapped to Sam and Carl like the crack of a whip, and the two could swear they felt an icy breeze flow over them.

“There you are.” He stated…and Sam and Carl could have sworn his teeth never parted under his lips.

Immediately, he began to approach. Sam and Carl wanted to recoil. They wanted to run. Heck, they even wanted to scream. But it was impossible. This was worse than dragonfear. They could swear the pony emitted a paralyzing musk from his chistled muscles that made them forget everything except fear. Even right now, Carl was struggling to remember if he had ever done anything in his life other than be stared down by this pony. And Sam wondered if he had ever felt anything besides soul-gripping terror, or if the meaning of his life was to be killed and devoured by this pony. One thing was sure…they saw his Cutie Mark as he entered.

It was a pony’s head on a stake. Not just any pony’s, though. They could swear with every step Atlas took, whenever it hit the light just right…they’d see themselves.

When he neared the counter, he came to a stop and glared at both of them through those sunglasses.

“This is how this will work out. As of right now, I will grant you both a quick and painless death. Every time you do not tell me where you have Princess Twilight and Princess Celestia, I will lengthen the time it takes you to die by an hour.”

Carl swallowed, and then finally found his voice to call behind him. “Er…princess? Probably would be nice of you to come out here and explain to this guy that we’re not the bad guys…”

“Yeah man…” Sam added slowly. It was hard to think when the mere shadow the pony cast felt like it pinned you down under 100 pounds of extra weight. “We just told Princess Twilight everything, and she’s perfectly cool with it now. So we’ll just bring her in and have her relay what we told her, and then we’ll all be-”

Sam’s voice abruptly turned into a choking gag as Atlas’ hoof lashed out. Actually…lashed out was probably the wrong term. It was more like the hoof materialized in Sam’s neck, crushing his windpipe. He actually went cross-eyed for a moment, before Atlas recoiled his hoof. Blood dribbling from the corners of his mouth, Sam fell to the ground and made pantomiming noises and flops, seeming like his lungs weren’t reopening.

“I am not hired to ‘negotiate’.” Atlas stated, before turning to Carl, actually causing him to jump a little. “You will now suffer for one hour before you die.”

Carl swallowed. He trembled for a moment, before looking to Sam. His face was turning purple and he was thrashing about on the ground, his hoof flopping and hitting Carl. Finally, the green stallion sighed…and lashed out with a foot hard into Sam’s solar plexus. The forcing of air out of his lungs made his neck open again. He began to make ragged gasps for air.

The green stallion shrugged even as Sam both took in deep gulps and grabbed for his now sore solar plexus. “…You’re welcome.” He held a moment afterward, knowing Atlas’ gaze was still on him, all the while moving a hoof behind him. A moment later, he snapped around with the poison-loaded syringe straight for his mouth…

Immediately, Atlas’ hoof shot out and laced the wrist region around Carl’s own hoof holding the syringe. Instantly, it went like a vice, causing Carl to begin to cry out…before it compressed even more, suddenly turning Carl’s manly scream of pain into a soprano’s high note. He continued to crush until Carl began to fall to his knees, and right before collapse, he calmly reached out and pulled the syringe out of his hoof. He released afterward, and Carl, his hoof compressed to about a third of its original diameter, fully went down. Somehow, despite being in agony, both Sam and Carl looked up to him at that.

As they did, they saw Atlas calmly reach over and grab the bottle of the same cleaner they brought. He uncapped it, calmly reinserted the syringe fluid into it, and then proceeded to toss the syringe away, knock back the entire gallon, and chug it down without losing a single drop. Both Sam and Carl forgot their pain and just stared at him in open-mouthed awe. Once it was gone, he let out a mild exhale, wiped his mouth, belched, and then tossed the empty container away.

“Are you done doing stupid stunts now?” He asked them. “Or do you two want to go for three hours of torture?”

The two didn’t know what to say. They could only stare at this nightmarish pony looking down on them. Both were white as sheets and in terrible pain. For a moment, they figured they were doomed.

Yet as the dark pony looked down over them…suddenly a blast of purple-toned magic shot over their heads and struck him square in the chest. The second it did…his chest immediately became gray and hard, and started to spread out. Atlas raised an eyebrow and looked to this…but the spell moved quickly, and he had barely managed to do so before the effect had covered his torso and moved out to his limbs and neck, freezing him in place. After that, it quickly moved up to cover his head as well…and, in moments, he stood there as an immobile stone statue.

Both Sam and Carl looked up and blinked, and then turned around behind them. Twilight was at the end of the hall, panting as she stood near the open window to the fire escape from having just done an advanced spell. However, she soon frowned at the two.

“…Are you two coming or what? Hurry up!”

Carl soon frowned at her. “Couldn’t you have stayed here and done that as soon as he came in?!”

“I thought you two were right behind me!” Twilight retorted. “Besides, we’ll be lucky if that holds him for a full minute!”

Both Sam and Carl were puzzled at that. They were about to respond that he had to be lifeless stone by now…before they felt bits of rock smack them in the backs of the head to the tune of an eruption of stone. Immediately, they spun around…and gasped as they saw that Atlas’ left hoof had shattered its prison by flexing. Now, the hoof swung around and began to beat against the rest of him with room-shaking force…causing fractures to soon appear in the rest of the statue.

“What the f**k?!” Sam exclaimed.

“That’s not even his dominant hoof!” Twilight shouted back. “Now come on!”

Not needing any more incentive, Carl reached over and seized Sam and quickly got him to his feet along with himself. The two immediately snapped for the entrance and ran for it. By the time they reached it, Twilight was already out and pieces of stone were beginning to crumble off the rest of Atlas. By the time Sam and Carl were out, the rest of the pieces were beginning to move and he was exposed underneath. Halfway down the fire escape, they heard a monstrous grunt from back upstairs in the condo as Atlas broke free.

“We’re…screwed…” Sam croaked as he charged down as fast as he could.

“Don’t look back!” Twilight shouted as she quickly fired off a beam of light toward the road. The spell didn’t stop there, but quickly cycled and ran away around the block and down one of the side streets.

The two ponies didn’t know what Twilight was doing with that, and didn’t care as they quickly leapt off the last step and “slid” down the rest of the way, soon colliding with each other and forcing themselves down the remaining stairs until they reached the gap at the end. At that point, all three fell through the air and landed on the ground in a painful heap. They were stunned in that position, but only for a moment as they heard the area above them shaking…the sound of Atlas approaching the window. In a flash, they all ran over each other and forced themselves to their hooves, then took off for the road. Twilight took the lead, apparently a better runner than both of them, but they all charged as fast as they could, although, for the life of him, Sam didn’t know how this would help. He had to see them…

Yet as they reached the street, suddenly something unexpected happened. A taxi wagon whipped around the street and quickly hung a sharp turn before going straight for where the three of them were headed. Sam and Carl were surprised only a moment, before they realized Twilight had signaled it using her spell. Not asking questions…for the ground suddenly rippled behind them as Atlas jumped out of the window, the force and weight of his body ripped out the entire fire escape and ground it beneath his feet like it was made of straws, and then sent a shockwave. He immediately looked up at them through his reflective sunglasses, but by then the group had reached the taxi cab and piled inside.

“The farthest, most obscure and dark part of town from here!” Sam immediately shouted to the driver.

“And don’t spare the horses!” Carl yelled as well.

“Hey!” The ponies pulling the taxi snapped back. “Just because I’m some sort of minimum wage worker doesn’t mean you get to treat me like-”

“Just get the f**k out of here before the ‘Trojan Man’ over there kills us!”

Grumbling, the ponies immediately took off in a gallop, shooting away at a rather quick speed. Atlas rose and began to dash after them at first, and, for a few moments, caught up to them. But the taxi ponies in Manehattan were some of the fastest in Equestria, and soon they were overtaking him and running off into the night. At that, Atlas slowed down as he reached the side of the road. He held there momentarily, looking out after them.

After staring for a few seconds, always stony and never changing, he turned and began to walk more slowly back to his wagon.

An hour before dawn, and Sam was feeling hopeless.

The taxi had dropped them off on the opposite end of town in an obscure area, alright…but the two ponies didn’t have much money on them left, and couldn’t risk a bank tracking them. As a result, they spent all but two bits paying the taxi bill, and now had nothing. No money, no wagon, almost none of their possessions they had brought, no food, and no place to sleep. In the end, they had gone to the one place left where they could hope to stay for nothing and obscured…Manehattan Central Park. Technically it was illegal, but the whole park couldn’t be patrolled all the time. Finding a park bench, Sam, Carl, and Twilight “camped” out.

The rest of the night passed miserably. It was cold, hard, and smelled of the occasional vagrant’s pee and sewage from a nearby sewer. Not to mention the fact the squirrels kept coming up to them and yelling at them for littering their front lawn. But at this point, Sam was so exhausted he went to sleep anyway. Carl, on his part, took their last couple bits and walked into town, trying to see if they could find any dive place that would give them a room for two bits. Cheap as it was, staying indoors somewhere was preferable to staying in the open, especially since Twilight was still with them. It wasn’t really fair, since they had dragged her into this and she had agreed to help them, to keep her running around outside anyway.

Sam only got a few hours in before he woke up again. Carl was still gone, but Twilight wasn’t able to sleep at all. And so, they both sat on the bench and just looked out as the sky turned from dark to dark blue. Even as that happened, the amount of hobos began to increase. Soon after that, the morning street sweepers and lamp extinguishers began to come out too. Sam watched as they went out and around, feeling all the more tired and hopeless as time went by.

“Hey.”

Sam looked up at that, turning to the side. He found the princess looking at him.

“You know…I think I do remember seeing you before, now that I think on it.” Twilight stated. “You remember the 1,000 Summer Solstice? Did you go to a party before that morning?”

The blue stallion paused, but then nodded. “…Yeah. This pink girl dragged me and Carl to the library to throw a ‘welcoming’ party for a new kid in town. But she didn’t look like she cared to say hi when she tried to introduce us… Wait…” He blinked a few times. “…That was you, wasn’t it?”

Twilight paused, but then nodded.

“Huh…I can’t believe it… I should have put two and two together a long time ago…”

The purple alicorn kept looking at him. “And…you both did Winter Wrap Up my first year, didn’t you?”

Sam paused, but then nodded. “Yeah…but…everypony does Winter Wrap Up. I was on shovel duty while Carl was on nest-making…I mean animal wake-up. I remembered that you stopped Nightmare Moon so I waved to you, but…you were distracted and just told me to go shovel Sector U-9.”

“You two…you were at the Grand Galloping Gala too, weren’t you?”

“Well…not exactly. We were in Canterlot to see an advanced screening of ‘Lord of the Horseshoes: The Commonwealth of the Clog’. But we hung out in front of the gala to try and catch some celebrities. We saw you and some other girls and tried to shout out but…you were too busy singing some weird song about what you were all going to do at the gala and I guess you didn’t see us…”

“And…when Discord got released…”

“Yeah…Carl was actually in a good mood that day. Since everything was a blatant inconsistency, he didn’t have to bother calling anything out. I never saw him so mellow. So we went out to try and find some cookies that weren’t trying to eat ponies, and we saw you looking down…like you were gray or something…while you were walking to the library. We called out and asked what was wrong, but…you just walked by like you didn’t even hear us…”

“And…during Nightmare Night…”

“Oh yeah. Carl was the guy in the town square dressed as a big yellow box with a question mark on it, making a scene as he asked me if Princess Luna was supposed to be a goddess or a devil to our religion. I went as a prince while Dawn was a princess. Heh…Princess Luna actually thought we were real nobles she still had to learn about and we actually met and talked for a few minutes. I spotted you in that wizard costume and tried to say hello, but you told me you had to hurry up and write a letter and cut me off.”

“And Princess Cadance’s wedding…”

“Well, I took Dawn because she’s big on royal weddings. But we left before the crap started when we thought we caught a glimpse of Princess Cadance licking her lips at a foal with a puppy…”

“And when Trixie came back…”

“Yeah…we had to pick poppy seeds off of her muffins and keep that cross-eyed mare from stealing them…”

“And my coronation…”

“Hey…it was the event of the century! How often do you get to see a new goddess? Especially one from our hometown.”

Twilight blinked and stared at him a moment, before her face fell a bit. She looked away from Sam and out in the distance. The blue stallion stared curiously at her. “…Something wrong?”

“I can’t believe it.” She stated after a moment. “You two have been at almost every major event in my life over the past couple years…and I didn’t even know you existed until yesterday afternoon…”

Sam hesitated a moment, but then shrugged. “Well…you know…it happens. Life’s like that.”

“…I wonder.” Twilight responded quietly.

The blue stallion paused again, but shrugged. “Hey, come on.” He said, actually trying to sound a bit encouraging. “You’re not the first pony who ever didn’t notice ponies around her. I mean…how many ponies do we run into every day of our lives and never give a second thought to?”

“…But I’m supposed to be a princess.” Twilight answered. “I’m supposed to be becoming better at friendship than most. And look what I did. Look what I missed out on. At that party, I treated you like a nuisance. At Winter Wrap Up, you were just some pony to shove away to get a task done. At the Gala, all I could think about was Princess Celestia. Look at me.” She turned back to Sam. “I thought I changed so much when I made my first friends…but I’m still ‘in my own little world’. Anything that happens that’s not what I want to happen or think about just flies by. And look what resulted. You just said you were concerned about me when Discord was released. But I didn’t notice you any more than I noticed that I should have been more focused on taking care of my friends first and defeating Discord later. And you say you actually saw the fake Cadance acting up? It never occurred to me for one second that in the entire city of Canterlot at least one other pony would have seen some of the things I noticed, that I could have tried to find at least one other pony who had noticed something before I confronted her at the rehearsal. How good am I of a princess if that’s what I end up doing?”

Sam hesitated a moment, noticing the princess’ downturned face. However, he eventually tried to smile. “Hey…come on.” He said encouragingly. “Don’t beat yourself up like that. Sh’t happens.”

“But I’m Celestia’s best student. I’m a goddess, for crying out loud…”

“Well, to me, you look like some confused kid who’s got a lot she’s having to ‘grow into’. You think anypony in town, Canterlot, or Equestria knows what’s going on all the time? Hell…Carl points out to me all the time just how little anypony knows what they’re doing… At least you’re trying to get better. Most of us ponies just accept things as they are and stay there. That’s why, in life, we’re just ‘tucked away in the background’.”

He frowned a bit, and then looked forward.

“…I know I am.” He said darkly. “I blamed Carl for all of this, but…the truth of the matter is I had a lot of things set right in front of me. Good things. Great things. That job may have been bland and nothing to most ponies…but I loved it. I mean…of course I loved it. That’s my talent. That’s what I was meant to do…to listen to ponies that have problems and get them through it. Some ponies find their place growing apples or throwing parties or making nice dresses…but me? I found my place just helping some frustrated mother get connected to a doctor for her sick kid or some old man who couldn’t remember where his favorite café was find it.

“But what happened when somepony tried to take it away from me?” He frowned. “…I let them. It was my purpose and my talent, and I let somepony just take it from me. And Dawn… Dawn Charger is the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me. I should have been willing to fight off a dragon for her. But I let myself be scared away. I didn’t go after her as hard as I wanted and as hard as she deserved.”

He snorted, looking around. Hobos continued to mill about as a middle-aged street sweeper came by. He gestured to them.

“Look at these ponies… The past few days I’ve kept looking down on them like I’m so much better than them…but the truth is I’m not. I’m worse than them. They might be here because of some bad circumstance…but me? I was where I should have been in my life, and I just let it go without even fighting for it…”

Twilight was looking at him again now, and Sam bowed his head and shook it. “…If I get out of this alive, as impossible as it is…I swear I’m never going to just let my life go again. That’s why I can’t give up now. If Dawn really means something to me, then I have to get her back. I have to prove to her that I’d walk into the jaws of a Cerberus and out again. And even if this costs me everything, including my life, she’s worth it.”

As Sam finished saying this and the street sweeper began to pass him by, Twilight was about to try and say something, when suddenly they heard hoofbeats come up. Both of them looked up at that, and saw Carl galloping up to them. His face was bright, shining, enthused, and with a huge grin across his face. He seemed like a totally different pony. The two took this as a good sign, if not a puzzling one, and as he neared Sam stood up and took a step to meet him. Soon, Carl stopped, panting hard, but grinning in delight.

After a few gasps, he looked up to Sam. “Dude…you will never believe this…but I must be the luckiest bastard in the world! I mean…after all the sh’t that’s happened to us over the past few days, karma shows something good should have happened to us… Am I right?”

Sam blinked. “Carl, what are you talking about?”

“I’ve got great news!” The green stallion answered with a grin.

“You found a room for two bits?”

“No! Better than that!”

Sam paused a moment. “…They’re calling off the ponyhunt because they realized we’re innocent?”

“No, think better!”

Sam hesitated again. “…They busted Nek Tuu Long and Dawn’s safe?”

“Better!”

The blue stallion, however, was confused. He just gave a helpless shrug. At that, Carl, still grinning ear to ear, reached for his saddlebag at his side, opened it up, and soon pulled out a shake with a dollup of heavy whipped cream and a cookie topping it, in a cup marked: “Marble Creamery” on the side.

“Check this out! An honest-to-goodness cookies-and-cream shake from Marble Creamery! Perfect! Perfection! I found a Marble Creamery that was on its last day of business! Dude…they were shutting down the last day of work right then and there! They said it was the last one still open in the city! I got the last one, man! The last f***ing one! I could only get a small, granted, because that’s all two bits will get you…but check it out!” Immediately, he held the straw forward to Sam. “Go on! Have a sip! We’ll split it!”

The second the shake had been revealed, Sam had gone more frozen than the statue Atlas had made yesterday, with his eyes focused on the shake. They remained there as Carl continued…each new word slowly turning Sam’s face redder and redder and redder. Heat seemed to be coming off of him by the time Sam was done, his gaze nearly burning holes into that sappy cow on the logo for Marble Creamery on the cup and his face turned into a look that would kill.

Finally, he looked back up to Carl as the shake was offered to him.

Without a word, he slugged him across the face with his forehoof.

As Twilight gasped, the shake was released and went down…yet miraculously landed upright and didn’t spill. Carl had little time to be thankful for it as Sam tackled him into the dirt, and soon was savagely beating Carl for all he was worth. Carl, naturally, only took this for a few moments before he fought back by first grabbing a piece of sod and then smashing it into Sam’s eyes, blinding him long enough to roll him over and beat away at him as well. This went for a while before Sam sunk his teeth into one of Carl’s hooves as they went down and he bit hard, making him come off of him long enough for Sam to start punching him repeatedly in the gut, before Carl seized a rock and smacked Sam in the head with it, but not before Sam nailed Carl in the still-healing package. Once both collapsed, they dragged themselves to each other and began to try throttling one another…which wasn’t easy as they had hooves instead of thumbs. Twilight could only gape in shock.

“I hate you!”

“I can’t stand you!”

“You never stop complaining about every last aspect of our lives!”

“You always try to ‘sweep me under the rug’ for your family and friends!”

“You always f*** everything up!”

“You don’t have the spine to stand up for yourself!”

“Your sister is a worthless bag of sh’t!”

“Your girlfriend is a goodie-two-shoes slut!”

“Even when we’re struggling for our lives and we haven’t had any sleep, food, or medical help in over 24 hours, you can’t stop thinking for ONE F***ING SECOND about those damn shakes!!”

“That’s because you wouldn’t know a good shake if it was growing out of your ass! And the one time I tried to share it you try to kill me!”

“Who said anything about ‘trying’?!”

The two continued to go at it more violently than ever. Twilight continued to stare in shock as they went. Yet as she continued to stare, something happened at her side.

“…Young…young lady?”

She blinked, turning away from the ongoing fight, and looked to the side, seeing the street sweeper looking at her. Suddenly, he had changed. He had an eager, nervous, and almost desperate look on his face. He ventured forward a bit, swallowing, before he looked to the ground and pointed.

“Is…is that…an…an honest-to-goodness cookies-and-cream shake from Marble Creamery?”

As Sam was about to bite Carl’s jugular while Carl was reaching out to try and snap Sam’s neck…both froze. Slowly, they turned and looked around to the street sweeper. Twilight herself paused, but then gave a slow nod.

The street sweeper’s face turned into a hollow orphan’s before a vat of gruel.

“It’s…it’s a cookies-and cream shake from Marble Creamery… I…I thought I’d never see one again…” He spoke with a nervous tremble in his voice. “I’ve…I’ve spent…every…every…last moment of my free time…scouring far and wide…throughout Manehattan and every surrounding county…trying to find one that was open…and I couldn’t… Not one…not one! It’s…” He moistened his lips. “It’s…it’s pure shake perfection… It’s like a gift from Celestia… It’s…it’s the one thing in this world without flaw… It’s like proof of goodness in the world…”

Twilight gave the street sweeper a strange look as he looked more obsessive and crazed. Sam was much the same, and even Carl was a bit puzzled. The street sweeper, looking more ravenous all the time, he took a step toward.

“I…I must have it. It’s too beautiful. I’ll pay everything I have for it…”

He suddenly froze, then snapped around and went back to his cart of supplies. He went in and dug for a moment, before he suddenly came out with an iron box.

“Here! My savings from the past ten years!” He shouted as he brought it out and quickly opened it up. “1,000 bits! It’s all I have! Take it and give me the shake!”

Carl began to shake his head. “Sorry, dude. It’s not for-”

He was cut off as Sam compressed his face with a foot against the ground. “All yours, buddy. Thanks for doing business with you.”

Carl’s eyes widened from beneath the hoof, and immediately he began to struggle violently from beneath it. Around grit teeth, he croaked out. “I’ve been looking for that thing for days now!”

“Tough! You spent my last two bits on it!”

Immediately, the chest of bits was dropped, the street sweeper ran up and took the shake, and glared at it with an almost demented delight. He actually giggled a bit to himself as he ravenously looked over it and took it away. Leaving his supplies behind, he soon walked down the street with the shake, seemingly now oblivious to the world. Sam left off pinning Carl and soon grimaced at him as he saw him go.

“…Hey man, make sure you get a private room before you do whatever you’re thinking with that thing.” He called out, before releasing Carl.

By now, Carl was both irritable and sore, but apparently too much so to be able to fight anymore. Instead, he glared angrily at Sam. “You asshole! That might have been the last Marble Creamery shake that will ever be made in Equestria!”

“Would you forget about the damn shakes for once?!” Sam snapped back. “Look…we have 1,000 bits now!”

“Who cares?” Carl angrily retorted. “We’re still 99,000 bits short! How are we supposed to turn 1,000 bits into 100,000?”

“…I might have a way.”

Both Sam and Carl turned to Twilight on hearing her say that. However, her statement was rather mild and quiet, and as they looked to her they noted that she was looking a bit meek and reluctant, uncertain about what she had just said.

“…You do?” Sam asked after a moment.

“Like…some sort of money multiplication spell?”

“…Kind of.” Twilight answered, even more reluctantly. “Here…get the money and follow me.”

Both Sam and Carl stared rather blankly. Carl, on his part, voiced his irritation. “…This is your ‘money multiplication spell’?”

The sun had come up by now, and it was nearing 9 AM. Twilight had resumed her disguise, and the three now found themselves in front of the destination Twilight had brought them to: Manehattan’s Arbor Race Track. And, in thirty minutes, the first of the day’s horse races would begin. Already, ponies were flowing in to place their bets, while other ponies were coming up to actually be the racers. Twilight, on her part, had taken the lead…and on hearing the two voice their apparent skepticism, she let out a sigh and an eye roll.

“Let’s just get up there and find a racing form.”

She took the lead again. The two paused momentarily before Sam followed. However, Carl was far more reluctant as he tailed him.

“This is nuts. And you thought I was an idiot. Well…my plan ended up making more money than hers will!” He retorted to Carl.

“Dude…I’ll admit, this is pretty bad. I didn’t even know a goddess gambled. But let’s just go with it for a bit, alright?”

“Go with what? Sam…you don’t honestly think that this is going to work, do you? The only way we’ll get the cash is if she places a bet on a horse with 100 to 1 odds! A pony like that wouldn’t win the race if they were already at the finish line! Then we’ll be back where we started!”

Sam had to admit, he was reluctant. 1,000 bits wasn’t nearly the amount they needed, but if they lost it then they’d have nothing left at all. And they were closing in on the last 24 hours, too… Yet before he could voice any of his concerns, Twilight reached the front gates and the ticket booths and betting stations. Ignoring them, she went to the side where the racks of racing forms were, and picked one off of it. She looked to the others and motioned for them to follow her inside. Sighing, the two did so.

Once in, Twilight went to one of the various convenience areas in the front of the hall where somepony could pause to write something down. She found one that was farther away from anypony else, including ones that were writing at other locations, and then unfurled the racing form. She looked to the others and motioned for them to come in close. Both of them grimaced, but then did as they were told.

Once close, she fixed them both with a hard look.

“Alright…let’s get one thing straight. You never tell anypony about this, especially Princess Celestia.”

The two looked to each other, then back to her. They gave nods.

Twilight exhaled. She looked around to make sure nopony else was even remotely looking in her direction. After that, she looked back to the form and concentrated. Her horn lit up…and purple circles, looking like they were written in marker, proceeded to circle one of the horses on every race listed on the form.

Sam and Carl’s jaws nearly hit the ground.

Twilight, however, cut off the power and quickly opened it up. She looked around for a bit, and then gave a nod. “Alright…the second race for today will have a winner with 100 to 1 odds. Let’s go place a bet on her.”

Neither Sam nor Carl moved.

“You…you just…”

Twilight gave Sam a hard look. “Never. Tell. Anypony.”

“Isn’t that…unethical?” Carl voiced.

“Incredibly.” Twilight responded. “But do you want to raise 100,000 bits, or don’t you?”

Sam blinked. “You…you don’t do that all the time…do you?”

“Of course not!” Twilight retorted. “Who do you think I am? This is a forbidden spell! I’m only using it because it’s an emergency!”

“Can any unicorn do that?”

“No, only alicorns have enough power for it.”

Carl couldn’t help himself. “Does…Princess Celestia…ever…?”

“No!” The mare immediately snapped. However, after a moment, she relented. She looked around herself a moment, then back to the two, speaking more quietly. “At least…not on a regular basis… But didn’t you ever wonder how Canterlot got the money to throw a gigantic wedding for Princess Cadance only to have it destroyed by Changelings yet were able to rebuild it and the city in one day when they only collect sales and property taxes?”

Pause.

“…Now you know.”

Sam and Carl were stunned. “We…always thought they used magic…”

Twilight paused as she was about to walk away, and looked to them again. After that, she tapped her horn on the magic purple marks.

“Well…we do, technically.”

After getting over the shock of the dark secret behind Equestria’s wealth, Sam could hardly argue with the benefits. Exactly as Twilight had predicted, a white pony named Angel Food won the second race at noon. By 1 PM, the group had collected their bits. There were so many they had to use a relatively new system…putting the bits on paper slips. Carl complained that paper had no value as opposed to gold coinage, but as none of them could carry around 100,000 gold coins with them, they had to take it. If that wasn’t enough, they seemed to have been lucky enough to evade both the police and Atlas, wherever he was. Now, with the fresh load of money in their possession, Sam and Carl both had their spirits rise. At long last, there was some “light at the end of the tunnel”.

As soon as they had the money, the three moved on, not risking having the supercop pony find them there. As they went down the street, Carl holding onto the money and Twilight falling in alongside, Sam pulled out the conch shell. He held it before him for a moment, slowly exhaling.

“…Now what?” Carl asked.

“Now we wait for them to call.” Sam answered. “And hope they don’t think we tried to jump town when Atlas forced us out of the condo…”

It turned out they didn’t have to wait long. As they walked forth, an aura suddenly went around the conch, and it began to tremble, indicating an incoming call. Sam, Carl, and Twilight looked to each other a moment, then back to the conch. Sam took it up and quickly put it to his head for the speaking part, although it was loud enough for everyone to hear. After tapping the top of it, he spoke into it.

“We’re here.” He started off with.

There was a pause, and then a dangerous voice on the other end, although Carl raised an ear to it. “…Do you have it?”

“We got it. We’re ready to make the trade.” He paused, then said more forcefully. “…I want to hear Dawn.”

There was a pause on the other end of the conch…a rather long one. Finally, the voice responded. “…No.”

Sam hesitated a moment, but then frowned. “If I don’t hear Dawn, you’re not getting the stuff. It’s going in the garbage.”

“Throw what’s mine in the garbage and they’ll never find her corpse or yours. I’m at a restaurant at 203 Sycamore Lane. We’ll make the trade there. I’ll give you one hour to get there. I better only see you two ponies or she’s dead.”

Click.

Sam opened his mouth to protest…but it was too late. Immediately, he frowned and scowled. “Damnit!” He cursed. “We don’t even know if they’ll bring her! They may just take the money and run!”

“You know…that voice seemed a bit familiar…” Carl mused aloud.

“We’re going to have to hurry if we want to get there in one hour.” Twilight answered, ignoring Carl much as Sam did. “Let’s get a move on.”

Sam, however, shook his head. “Oh no…it’s just us, princess. You heard what that guy said. If he sees anypony else, Dawn is dead.”

Twilight frowned. “This is nuts, you know. You’re letting them set all the conditions.”

The blue stallion helplessly shrugged. “What choice do we have? They’ve got us at their mercy so long as they have Dawn…”

The alicorn paused, but finally sighed. “Alright…I’ll go with you until about two blocks away, then I’ll wait for you. Who knows? Maybe I can throw off the trail of the police or Atlas if they come looking for you guys. But you two better be careful. I can’t help you out from that far.”

Sam nodded. “Alright.” He turned to Carl afterward. “Let’s go.”

Almost exactly one hour later, the ponies had arrived. True to her word, Twilight hung back at a distance of two blocks, leaving Sam and Carl to go on without her. As they neared the location, they did indeed see a restaurant. It had its own Pacesian flair on the outside, although it seemed mostly to be a narrow “dive” restaurant. They didn’t see anypony watching them as they approached. Just a few ponies walking down the street or doing day chores and tasks. As they came up close to it, they both stopped for a moment. They looked to each other.

“You got the cash, right?”

Carl tapped his saddlebags. “All there. But…something’s weird, Sam…”

Sam frowned, turned forward, and kept walking. “Not now, Carl.”

“Dude, it’s just something real quick-”

“I said not now!”

“Look…dude…check out this restaurant. Look at the characters. The décor. This isn’t a Pacesian restaurant, it’s a Trampanese. I’m pretty sure kirins are exclusive to Pacesia…”

“Carl! Be quiet! Besides, you didn’t even know what a kirin was yesterday!”

“Yeah but I learn quick-”

“Carl…just shut up this time! Stop getting us into trouble! Stop obsessing over stupid crap! Just shut up and go along with it!”

The green stallion sighed and frowned, continuing to follow. Soon, the two reached the front door of the eatery and pushed their way inside.

Aside from the décor everywhere (Trampanese, as Carl observed, rather than Pacesian), and the dim lighting, one of the things that Sam noticed almost immediately was that the place was empty. Granted, most Pacesian restaurants were never really full and it was past lunch, but the place looked like it hadn’t been touched all day. Not only that, but there were only three employees there: one at the counter and two waiters. They weren’t exactly the “friendly” type either. They only fixed the two with a hard glare. And as they saw them, their look grew harder and harder. Carl noticed this and began to swallow. Sam, on the other hand, bit back his own fear and stayed on task.

After a moment, Carl began to sniff the air, making a face. Sam ignored it and looked to the counter, where the worker gave him a dark, hollow look.

“Um…we’re here to make a ‘trade’…if that means anything to you.” He said quietly.

The worker stared back darkly. “…Sam Listen’s-to-Carl’s-Problems and Incarlsistency, I presume?” He said in a grim voice.

It was enough to unsettle Sam a bit, but he nodded.

“Wait here a moment.”

He looked to the waiters and made a gesture. Immediately, they all turned and left the front room, going instead for the doors in the back, that seemed to lead to a larger eatery area set off from the “general area”. They opened them up and stepped inside. For a moment, the two ponies were left standing alone. Carl continued to sniff the air, making a face, before looking to Sam.

“Dude…I smell rotten cheese.” He muttered.

“I don’t care, Carl.”

“No, really, man. What sort of Trampanese restaurant has cheese at all? Let alone-”

“Knock it off!”

The door to the back opened, and the stallion from the counter looked out at them darkly.

“…Come back here.”

Sam swallowed. Carl looked nervous. The two exchanged a look, and then began to move forward. It was odd…both of them felt anxious, obviously, walking back to the room…but they felt far more so than they should have. In spite of Sam’s repeated calls for Carl to be quiet about everything, he began to get the sensation that something wasn’t right here either… Nevertheless, they both made it to the door. Yet rather than hold it open for them, the worker shut the door in their faces.

Both ponies looked uneasy at that. They swapped looks, then turned back. Reluctantly, both of them reached out and opened the doors. As they interior was revealed, both froze in place.

There was not an elegant dining room set up in Pacesian, Trampanese, or any other style on the other side. Instead, the walls seemed to be coated and molded with some sort of grayish-green resin, looking like some sort of “hive” structure. If that wasn’t enough, a number of green chrysalises large enough to hold full-sized ponies were hanging from the ceiling…

Both Sam and Carl began to turn white again.

“…We’re f***ed.” Carl muttered…before the workers from earlier suddenly shot out, seized either pony, and yanked them inside before slamming the doors shut behind them.

As both were dragged inside, now quite fearful and petrified, they turned around to see the workers, whose eyes flashed emerald green, turn to the door and open wide…soon spitting out a great deal of greenish-gray slime over the doors that rapidly solidified…and sealing their escape. After that, they moved in behind them with a ravenous look. As for Sam and Carl, they both looked nervously to one another, and then back into the chamber. It was mostly dark and shadowy now. The only light came from lime-green patches of the resin material that seemed to glow. Yet as they all looked at that, something moved in the shadows. Both wanted to recoil, but the “ponies” behind them shoved them forward roughly, forcing them to step onto some of the resin material as well…including some “fresh” parts that were still slimy.

The shadow lingered in the back for a moment, but then began to come forward.

“Come now…Sam and Carl…was it?” A male’s voice rang out. “Don’t you like where the Manehattan branch of ‘Solar Cycle Express’ relocated to?”

Both Sam and Carl blinked for a moment.

“…There’s that voice again.” Carl said quietly.

The shape slowly stepped out of the shadows and into the pale green light, revealing a face that made both Sam and Carl gasp.

It was the broad, smiling, but no longer jovial face of their boss from Solar Cycle Express. His look was more malicious now, more cruel and demented.

Sam was stunned. “…Package Deal? You? But…I thought the mob killed you when the Vices came looking for us at work…”

In response, the fat stallion merely gave a dark snicker. “…Package Deal?” He echoed. “Now whoever might that be?” He paused, then suddenly looked up. “Oh…I know. You’re thinking of him…am I right?”

Immediately, green spectral flames ignited in midair around one of the chrysalises. As a result, it illuminated one of them…and revealed through the transparent surface something inside…

A withered out husk of a pony, dead for a few hours now yet dried out like a mummy, from the looks, that wore one of Package Deal’s shirts and nametags, as well as had the remains of facial hair where he had it was inside.

Sam and Carl literally clutched each other in fright and gave a scream.

“Celestia and Luna!”

“Motherf***er!”

Both of them snapped down to “Package Deal”, who grinned at them evilly.

“…Then who the hell are you?!” Sam retorted.

“Sam…I really don’t think we want to know the answer to that…” Carl muttered.

However, in response, the stallion began to chuckle as, in a flash of light and power, he suddenly erupted into green spectral flame. He continued to chuckle evilly as his teeth grew long and sharp, his fat slimmed down, his body grew taller and lankier, his facial hair fell off and his existing hair became long, green, and grungy, a twisted horn erupted from his head, insect-like wings came out of his back, and his skin turned black. Of course, by the time that was done, it wasn’t really a “he” anymore…but someone that the two ponies knew from the news.

“Oh my…” The evil-thing-in-pony-form stated in a voice that sounded like a mixture of a cruel mare and an insect. “You two are lucky I’ve eaten enough fear over the past few weeks to have the taste of it stuck to the roof of my mouth, or right now I’d find it hard to resist the feast you are offering…”

Both ponies were trembling and swallowing now.

“That’s…Chrysalis, Sam…”

“Yeah…I guessed that, Carl…”

“…But is she ‘Queen’ Chrysalis or just Chrysalis? I mean, they all call her Chrysalis, but she’s the queen of the Changelings…so do they really use ‘Queen Chrysalis’? Or is it just understood that Chrysalis is a queen and so that title is redun-”

“SHUT UP!” The changeling suddenly snapped.

Both immediately went rigid and recoiled slightly, cowering before her. After a moment, however, Carl quickly whispered an aside to Sam.

“Next time I tell you I smell rotting cheese…”

“Right now, you two morons are probably soiling yourselves wondering how you got into this.” Chrysalis hissed, beginning to smile again. “Well, as you can see from my lovely ‘decorations’ hanging from the ceiling, you weren’t the first unsuspecting ponies who wandered into my grasp. Ever since I managed to return to this part of Equestria I’ve been using miserable foals such as yourselves to plot against this country…and to get the occasional ‘snack’, of course. Things have been going well if not terribly slowly…” She continued as she began to walk over to one side of the hive chamber. “Even if not all of our ‘subplans’ have gone as well as we had hoped…”

In spite of the situation, Sam swallowed enough to speak. “What…what kind of subplans?”

Chrysalis waved a hoof. “Oh…hiring ourselves out as birthday clowns…presiding over showers as decorators...conducting field trips…anywhere we can find lots of happy ponies full of love and get an excellent meal, really. One of our better plans that ultimately fell through was to provide shake formulas to Marble Creamery that were filled with decent-sized amounts of cocaine. Get the regular customers addicted until they love them more than anything…then feed off that love.”

Sam’s jaw dropped again. He looked to Carl…who had a similar look on his face as he would if he had just found out his father was an alien.

“Pity that restaurant went out of business…” Chrysalis mused, before shaking her head. “But no matter. The time for our revenge and conquest of Equestria grows ever nearer. I found this city quite useful in that regard…” She grinned wickedly at the thought. “Millions of ponies live here, with thousands of buildings and businesses… You’d think somepony somewhere would notice when something went wrong…like their boss acting differently…or their neighbor no longer walking their dog… But no…the ponies here are wonderfully self-absorbed and self-important, and so used to seeing ponies they deem as ‘living refuse’ that they never give a thought to anything but their own little happiness…” She chuckled. “Give me Manehattan over a royal wedding any day of the week when it comes to ‘hiding in plain sight’. And in terms of finding plenty of peons all too willing to do anything for a few extra bits…” She turned with a dark smile to Sam and Carl.

“Like you two, for example. You aren’t the first patzies I’ve used since I ‘set up shop’. These delivery companies are all too wonderful for shipping anything into and out of this city with no one being the wiser. Magic relics…my loyal changelings…” She let out a single chuckle. “…The occasional meal ‘to-go’…”

She turned fully to them and began to advance. “And on that lovely note…how about you two hand over what I want before I wrap you in airtight cocoons and watch you asphyxiate, hmm?”

In spite of his tremendous fear, Sam managed to call. "What about our end of the deal? Where's Dawn?"

Chrysalis let out a dark laugh. "I have no idea who this 'Dawn' is that you seem intent upon, but when you called wanting to see her, who was I not to exploit it?"

Sam went wide-eyed. "You mean...you don't have her?"

"Are you going to hand over what's mine or am I going to have to hang you two from the ceiling along with the rest of your former co-workers?"

Both Sam and Carl swallowed. The green stallion quickly muttered to his side. “You heard the bug…er…mare…er…lady…er…female-gendered monster, Sam.”

Sam looked to him slightly. “Carl, we need that money for-”

“We aren’t going to save your girlfriend having the love siphoned out of us while we’re encased in goo, Sam!” Carl retorted. “We’ll have to get it back another way!” With that, before Sam could protest anymore, he reached behind him, undid the flap on his saddlebag, and then grabbed the sack with the paper bills inside of it. Immediately, he snapped his head out and flung it forward at Chrysalis’ feet.

“There! Take it!”

Chrysalis’ smile faded. She looked down to the sack, seeing several of the bill wads had slid out and clearly showed money. She looked for a moment, and then back up to Sam and Carl. She stared for a few seconds, before she began to walk forward, right over the sack. Both ponies gulped. They tried to back up…only to run into the staff, who immediately shoved them forward. Between their movement and Chrysalis’, they soon faced each other.

And the moment they did, Chrysalis’ mouth opened wide and inhaled sharply over both of them. Both ponies immediately screamed in agony as small plumes of smoke condensed around their heads, and then were sucked through the air and into Chrysalis’ own gaping mouth, which slammed shut soon after with a lick of the lips. As for Sam and Carl, both of them grasped their heads in pain and staggered back.

“Son-of-a-bitch!” Carl shouted. “Who would have thought becoming indifferent to whipped cream would hurt so much!”

“Whipped cream?! That’s all she sucked out of you?!” Sam retorted. “I don’t like any of the songs that they played in high school now!”

“If you two idiots are finished,” Chrysalis hissed. “The next thing out of your mouths had better be where the crate is.”

Both Sam and Carl winced a moment, but then turned to her in confusion.

“What? The crate?”

“That’s what you want?”

The changeling hissed. “…You brainless earth ponies are literate, are you not? What part of my message that I left behind at that branch office did you not understand?”

Both Sam and Carl were surprised. “Wait…that was you?”

“Of course it was me, morons!” She hissed. She gestured to the corpse in the cocoon behind her. “I ran into this fat bastard while trying to find a new delivery company to use. He was stupid, incompetent, and overly friendly…ultimately making him a more satisfying dish in that regard. Best of all, he had gotten himself intertwined with the Vices and he been helping their drug smuggling. It was too perfect. If I could get him to think he was running a shipment of drugs when, in reality, he would be running one of my ‘special packages’, then the blame would fall both on him as well as the ‘delivery boys’ I told him to hire. A few of my changelings go out to the target destination and impersonate the dealers. Meanwhile, you were to bring the crate to that warehouse, where the Vices would swap out the wrong crate, courtesy of me. You end up delivering my package to my changelings, working a ‘legitimate’ position where everything is made ‘squeaky clean’, and I got the crate out of the city. After all of that ‘laundering’, if anyone tried to track the crate it would either fall on the Vices or fall upon the delivery company, and no one would ever suspect I had run something underneath it.

“But it seems, too bad for me, that the dolt’s mind got too wiped after I started feeding on him and brainwashing him. He forgot the most basic thing…namely telling you foals where to make the drop off! Because of your little antics in that warehouse, the Vices started to smell a rat far earlier than they should have…and to compound things, you idiots delivered the crate to the wrong spot!

“So bright and early, my changelings and I went to the branch office and, after having a nice breakfast of the employees and taking their place, we tore up the building looking for the record of where you delivered the crate and found nothing, since you two had forged the slip. On top of that, the police were already sniffing around. So…to cover my tracks and to send a ‘message’, I burned down the place. With us impersonating your co-workers, it didn’t take long to get the police after you. I tried finding you at your condo as well…and when that failed, we left a contact for you as well as two of my minions. When you drove off, we tried to tail you, thinking you’d lead us to the drop off point…although somehow you managed to avoid that through a mixture of my minions’ stupidity and luck. Now, on that note…”

She began to curl her lips, showing her sharp teeth as she glared murderously at the two.

“I want the crate…right now.”

Both Sam and Carl were trembling a bit, but couldn’t say anything. They offered an innocent shrug.

“Well…uh…er…the truth is we don’t have it.” Sam answered, before quickly adding. “I mean, not right now! But we can get it! It’s just…we figured you wanted the money so we focused on that.”

Chrysalis leaned up a bit, and then snorted. “What use would I have for money?”

“Well, come on…” Carl added. “I mean…that’s 100,000 bits! I’m sure it can replace a huge thing of sprinkles or whatever was in there.”

The changeling looked at both of them in a slight hint of puzzlement for a moment of silence. Then, she scowled. “…You two glue-for-brains ponies really don’t know anything, do you?” Immediately, she burst into a grin and let out a dark chuckle as she turned away and began to walk to another side of the chamber. “I can’t believe this… Such idiocy is all too rare! Only to be found among the insipid denizens of Equestria!”

She soon reached the side, and, on doing so, her own twisted horn ignited, lifting up something soon after…a newspaper. She looked back to the two ponies and levitated it over to them. “Perhaps this will make it a bit more obvious for you two, in spite of your lack of intelligence…”

The paper soon reached them, and the spell released it, dropping it on the floor in front of them. The two proceeded to look at it.

The front page read: ‘Princess Celestia Still Missing: Feared Victim of Princess Twilight Sparkle’s Kidnappers’.

Immediately, they both gasped as the realization slowly came upon them. They began to quiver once again as horror twisted their stomachs. They stared at the first four words and read them again and again, thinking how heavy the crate was, how it was more than big enough for a large alicorn to fit inside…

“Understand now, my little ponies?” Chrysalis hissed. “Because of you two, the first step in my conquest of Equestria has been delayed! I finally organized an ambush and kidnapping of your dear Celestia. I managed to poison her with enough horse tranquilizer in her favorite tea to keep her unconscious for a week, and trapped her in a crate lined with baby oil and peanut butter…”

Carl elbowed Sam on hearing this. “Told you.”

“And I meant to ship her a safe distance out of this city where I could dispose of her, and then take her place! The love that you simpletons have for your goddess would have given me more than enough power to crush Equestria under my heel.”

Sam looked up to her. “Wait…why couldn’t you just kill her here?”

“The same reason I had to keep Cadance alive.” The changeling answered. “Alicorns and unicorns never ‘go quietly’. Killing them in a populated area sends out a wave for miles that ponies can sense. Earth ponies and pegasi would have known, and unicorns could have traced me. What…did you foals think I just kept her alive in a fairly-simple-to-escape-and-navigate mine located right under where the wedding was going to be held and guarded by three easily-avoidable brainwashed ponies on the vain hope she wouldn’t get out until she starved to death?”

Sam and Carl paused. They both looked to each other, then back to her.

“…Yeah, actually.” The blue stallion answered.

“But wait a second…” Carl suddenly spoke up. “How is the sun coming up every day?”

Chrysalis frowned. “…How did the moon come out for the past thousand years?”

“…Good point.”

“WHY AM I EXPLAINING THIS TO YOU?!” Chrysalis suddenly snapped, shaking her head, and making both ponies recoil and cower again. “I don’t want your worthless money! I want the crate! Why in the world would you think I wanted 100,000 bits?!”

Both held a moment, before Carl began to speak up again. “Hey, that’s what the Vices wanted from us! How were we supposed to know you wanted that?”

“You’re the one who set us up as fall guys!” Sam added. “Now they want us to pay the bits for the drugs you stole from them by noon tomorrow!”

“And if we don’t, they’re going to off Sam’s girlfriend!” Carl finished.

Chrysalis, on hearing this, suddenly paused, her anger abating. “…Girlfriend?” She echoed. Suddenly, a look of realization went over her. "Ah...so that's who this 'Dawn' is..."

Sam paled on seeing that. He began to sweat. Yet Carl didn’t get the hint. “Actually, it’s his fiancée. The whole reason we took the job to get the money was…”

He trailed off on seeing Sam, and immediately realized his mistake.

“…was to get me a new wagon! You know…I like the hot rods!” Carl instantly finished.

Chrysalis, however, didn’t seem to notice. She paused a moment, before smiling a bit more. “Well now…that’s even better.”

She turned her head slightly to the sack of cash on the floor. A moment later, her horn glowed…and resin material covered it, sealing it in a groove.

Sam nearly gasped. “Hey!”

“I think I’ll hang onto this for safekeeping. And by safekeeping…I mean insurance.” Chrysalis spoke with a cruel smile as she looked back to them. “It seems this money may mean nothing to me…but it’s quite important to you. It’s your bride-to-be’s life, isn’t it?”

Carl began to grimace at what he had just done, but Sam was too upset to look to him, instead filling with fear as he looked at the now-inaccessible cash.

“Well then…let’s make this more intriguing, hmm? You boys have to be somewhere at noon tomorrow, yes? Well then…at 11 AM, I want the crate. Unopened, of course. I’ll tell you where just like I told you now…but don’t worry, I won’t make it far from where you’ll conduct your other transaction. After all…I’ll want to be close by.”

She walked forward and held up a hoof, slowly running it along Sam’s cheek.

“Because if you can’t find that crate, I will have a marvelous feast prepared for me as I devour the outpouring of love you and your precious fiancée have for one another before the Vices kill her in front of you…”

Sam stared back, his face a mixture of anguish, but also anger at this. However, before either emotion could win out, she removed her hoof.

“Now…get out of here before I have you two for tea time…in the worst way.”

To be continued...

Author's Note

"Trampanese" was my vague attempt to mimic: "Japanese". It was also indicative of the American tendancy to lump all Asians together into one group/nationality.

Chapter 5 - Two Background Ponies Run for Their Lives

What small amount of light was at the end of the tunnel had gone out even faster than it had become visible. Now, Sam and Carl were back into darkness and despair. After the disastrous meeting, they walked the two blocks back to where Twilight was waiting. Unfortunately, it took longer than they wanted. Both a police wagon and a Canterlot chariot had rolled by, looking for them. Apparently, there were enough of them in town now where they were able to begin extensive sweeps of every lane in the metropolis. However, they finally returned to the princess. There, they gave her the news.

At that point, of course, she was so shocked that she demanded that they tell the police where to find her, but that was a futile gesture. After all, if she could just change into a different form, how would they peg her? Aside from that was the fact that there was little chance she’d still be there when they got back. Sam and Carl alike had the suspicion that she had just used that place as a “stopover”, and, in spite of the ghastly sight, had probably moved on. Besides, there was no way they could tell the police without tipping themselves off…and they needed to stay on the move to avoid the ponyhunter.

Twilight finally sighed and relented, although reluctantly. “…I guess you’re right. Besides, I think we’ll be better off against Chrysalis if we have Celestia with us.”

At that point, Sam and Carl looked to each other blankly a moment, before both rolled their eyes and looked back.

“Besides…there’s no telling what’s happened to Celestia since then…although I think it’s a safe bet to assume nopony let her out yet… Meaning we got to find her fast. This isn’t just about you two anymore. This is about all of Equestria, potentially.”

Of course, moving about and searching was more useless than ever. Both Sam and Carl were mostly sleep-deprived as well as starving at this point, and they could barely walk, let alone run or move fast, after everything that had happened. Their wits had almost left them, and between their barely-functional brains and the fact that the cops were stepping up their game, it took them hours just to finally get on foot to the same part of town.

After that, however, things went even worse. They wandered up one street and down the other, until it turned dark and they grew more tired, hungry, and weary than ever. Yet never did anything show up. As the night wore on, midnight came…reducing the time they had left to 12 hours…only 11 hours to meet the deadline Chrysalis set. At that, they all sat down for a breather. However, Sam and Carl were both looking hollow, fearful, and hopeless…although for different reasons. Twilight herself was rather tired and hungry by now and looked to them.

“Can you two think of anything…anything at all…from your trip to the bakery?”

Sam grimaced and shook his head. “No…nothing. Nothing that I can remember. Hell, we only went there by mistake to begin with.” He began to breathe hard. “It’s hopeless… Dawn’s dead…and I can’t even try to save her with my own dying breath… We’ve got no money, no leads…”

“Come on…don’t give into despair yet. We still have 12 hours. And I wouldn’t be such a good student if I didn’t know how to get through an all-nighter.” She looked up. “Carl…your talent is finding inconsistencies in things. Come on…we really need it right now. Sam needs it.”

Carl only gave a wince and a headshake. “It’s no use…I can’t do it. All I can think about right now is those Marble Creamery shakes…even knowing that I was being drugged the whole time! It’s getting worse! I feel cold and dizzy all over…like there’s something missing from my brain…”

Twilight sighed on hearing this. She looked to Sam afterward. “He’s going through withdrawals. He’s not going to be ‘himself’ for several days…maybe weeks.”

“We don’t have that time!” Sam responded. “Isn’t there, like, a spell or something that can instantly eliminate his addiction?”

The purple alicorn frowned. “…You know, magic isn’t really a ‘panacea’ for all things. You shouldn’t learn to grow reliant on it for every single time something goes wrong. There are times where solutions don’t have a ‘quick fix’ and you need to have the strength and talent that comes from your own character to get through them.”

Carl looked to her with a frown.

“Lady…unless you know any addresses where I can find a ‘1-Hour 12-Step-Program’, cut the After-School-Special bullsh’t and think up a spell that gets me clean.”

Twilight frowned back at him for a moment, but then finally rolled her eyes and sighed. “…Just find some place to sit.”

Luckily, they only had to walk a bit further before they came to a stop at a bench on the sidewalk. Carl moved to it and sat down, and Sam went to one side while Twilight went in front of him. She inhaled and exhaled a few times.

Sam watched her as she did this. “So…what’s the cure?”

“There’s no spell that can directly cure addiction.” Twilight explained. “So what I’m going to do is hit Carl with a ‘Psyche Scrambler’ spell. It’s somewhat analogous to setting a different baud rate on a transmitter than the receiver is reading at.”

Both Sam and Carl stared blankly.

Twilight sighed. “…Your brain is going to go on ‘static’.” She told Carl, before looking back to Sam. “After that, I hit him with a ‘Psyche Renabler’ spell, which resets him back to the ‘proper frequency’, you might say. Only in between, the addiction gets ‘phased out’. Now…here’s the problem. I don’t have any experience with this spell, which means that when I hit him with the ‘Psyche Renabler’, he might have an altered perception of reality. If that happens, the only thing to do is to scramble him again and then renable him again until we get it right.”

The blue stallion thought about this for a moment, but then finally sighed and shrugged. “Ok, fine, whatever… Whatever gets him ‘working’ again.”

Twilight looked to Carl next. “You ready?”

Carl’s look was dark as he stared back. “Ok, I hope when you ask me that, it’s because you really want to know and you’re not going to go ahead. Because the thought of you repeatedly scrambling my brain is something I’m definitely n-ZOOOOOOINT…”

The green stallion was cut off to the tune of a distorted voice as Twilight’s horn lit up and let a bolt of electricity snake out and strike him in the head, causing him to go rigid for a moment before he slumped down again, his mane losing all volume and his pupils forming different sizes before beginning to drift in random directions away from each other.

Sam winced a bit. “Er…did that hurt?”

“Probably.” Twilight answered as she concentrated for the next spell. “Alright, here we go…”

She blasted Carl with another bolt of electricity, causing him to spasm before his mane resumed and his eyes righted themselves. Now alert, he stared blankly forward as he sat on the bench. Both Twilight and Sam gave him a curious look.

“…Carl? You alright?”

Carl blinked a few times.

“…Sam?”

“…Yes, Carl?”

“I have a few concerns…”

Carl looked to Twilight, and then back to him. “…Um…yes, Carl?”

“Do we technically exist in the same world as Megan and her family? Or is she just imagining us? Is she the only one who can hear us speak or something? Why are all of our children just baby versions of one parent? And where the f**k did that goat/centaur/archdemon thing come from when most of the time we’re worried about sunshine and rainbows?! Is he in the right universe?!”

The blue stallion looked to Twilight. “Uh…what’s he talking about?”

“He must be perceiving a different reality…” Twilight answered.

“Huh?” Carl said as he turned to Twilight. He stared at her a moment. He leaned in close afterward, and was silent for a bit longer.

“…Moondancer? Why is your coat purple?”

Twilight’s horn glowed again and zapped him once more, once more turning him “off-line”.

Sam winced a bit on seeing that. “Er…the second time doesn’t hurt as much, right?”

“Unlikely.” Twilight answered as she zapped him again, making him return to the previous state of being spaced out and hunched over.

Sam swallowed, then leaned in. “Er…Carl?”

Immediately, he snapped to him. “Sam! Brain tumor!”

The blue stallion looked puzzled. “Huh?”

“It’s got to be a brain tumor, Sam! Or brain damage, at least… I mean, you can’t just get hit in the head and start talking to animals one day! Maybe that big-eyed kid isn’t talking to animals… Maybe she’s just psychotically imagining the whole thing as a result of that head trauma…”

Twilight cut Carl off by zapping him again. Sam once again winced at that.

“Er, wrong reality again.”

“…Is doing that multiple times in a row healthy?”

“I don’t think so. Let’s try again…”

Another zap, and Carl snapped back and leaned on the bench, shaking his head.

“Sam…the soldiers in the unit are armed to the teeth…and we know Cobra is armed to the teeth…and we shoot at each other several times a day on a daily basis…yet no one ever hits anyone! Don’t you find that amazing that no one’s dead yet? And why do we always do those after-school-special things?”

Zap. Second zap.

“Hey Sam…how does Megatron turning into a gun work? Does the gun weigh as much as he does as a full robot? Will he only lay on the ground unable to do anything unless another robot picks him up and pulls his trigger? Can’t one of us trick him into transforming and then just roll over him or stomp on him?”

Zap. Second zap.

“Sam, Rocko knew Filburt ever since they were kids, right? But Rocko didn’t come over to the USA until he was a young adult… Did Filburt live in Australia or something?”

Zap. Second zap.

“Does Acme Labs not have security footage or anything? You never see those two mice actually turning off any security systems when they escape out of their cage on their latest plan for world domination…”

Zap. Second zap.

“Would the inspector not have a success record at all if it wasn’t for Penny? And are her parents cool with just letting her go with him on secret agent missions? Did she lift that computer book from the agency or are her parents just superrich to give her one?”

Zap. Second zap.

“If monsters need human garbage both to produce fumes for them to breathe as well as a food source, how did they live before humans were around? Heck, before humans had trash piles?”

Zap. Second zap.

“Who gave birth to Princess Peach? Is there a Queen somewhere? Did she inherit the position? She ain’t no mushroom…”

Zap. Second zap.

“Why is one of Biff Tannon’s relatives in every time and place in history?”

Zap. Second zap.

“Shouldn’t anything technically kill Captain Planet?”

Zap. Second zap.

“If no one sees where Dr. Wily builds his endless supply of castles, how does Mega Man find them?”

Zap. Second zap.

“Was Obi-Wan being a wimp or an asshole by not finishing Vader off instead of leaving him to burn?”

Zap. Second zap.

“Did the Shinra Corporation just ‘quit and go home’ after they killed Zack rather than look to see if Cloud was in the area?”

Zap. Second zap.

“Why would Scott Pilgrim want to date a non-nerd girl obviously attracted to supervillains?”

Zap. Second zap.

“Couldn’t the Straw Hats have just sailed in the opposite direction to get to the end of the Grand Line?”

Zap. Second zap.

“Didn’t Belle technically live with the Beast for only, like, two days?”

Zap. Second zap.

“Why didn’t they just wish for Shenlong to destroy the life support systems in the Saiyan-Jin’s spaceships?”

Zap. Second zap.

“What the f*** happened in ‘End of Evangelion’?”

Zap. Second zap…and Twilight collapsed after she was done. Her horn was smoldering, as was Carl’s head. By now, everyone was looking rather overwhelmed from the whole chain of what had just happened. Sam stared blankly, Twilight was panting, and Carl looked like permanent damage may have been done. This time, he didn’t even say anything. He rolled his head around for a moment…before he fully collapsed out of the bench and fell to the ground. A moment later, Twilight moaned and passed out as well.

Sam, however, didn’t notice Twilight so much as what happened to Carl. After all, Twilight was just tired, but after hitting Carl with that spell so many times… He soon bent down to his side and put his hooves on him.

“Carl? You alright?”

No response. Carl’s look remained blank.

Sam began to wince. “Carl! Talk to me!”

Still no answer. It seemed like a fuse had blown.

Sam began to look anxious. He held a moment, but then finally groaned. “Carl…dude, I’m sorry about getting on your case about those stupid shakes! I didn’t know they were actually loaded with drugs! I just thought…I just thought…I thought it was just you being you! And I’m sorry! If I had actually done what my own talent was telling me, which is listening to people who have problems instead of thinking they’re just rambling about crap that’s not important, this wouldn’t have happened to you! And…” He groaned. “I didn’t mean that stuff I said earlier! You’re annoying and obsessive and you curse too much in public, but…you’re still my friend! And I can’t think of any other pony I’d like to be stuck with in this current situation besides you!”

Carl was unresponsive. Sam began to look more uncomfortable. His face began to quiver, beginning to wonder if this was more serious…if he would never wake up. But just as he was about to freak, Carl’s eyes slowly opened and stared at the night sky.

“Jockey.” Was the only word he said, very quiet and yet firm.

At first, the blue stallion was hopeful. But when he heard what Carl said, he began to grow uncomfortable, and then turned to Twilight, who was only now coming around herself. “I think we hit him too many times…”

Carl’s hoof suddenly shot out and seized Sam, causing him to snap around. At that, Carl looked up and stared straight into his eyes fiercely.

“Jockey, Sam.” He stated more straightforward. “While we were looking for the exit the other day off of the highway, there was an A and a B exit. As we passed by the A exit, I noticed it exited on ‘Jockey’, and I said: ‘Isn’t a jockey that demented, sick, twisted practice they have where one pony shoves a bit into another pony’s mouth and then gets on their back and rides them around?’”

“Hey!” Twilight suddenly interjected. “I let Spike do that to me once!”

Sam and Carl both looked to her. Their faces were twisted in puzzlement.

“That’s…not something I would normally confess to other ponies…”

“Seriously.”

Twilight blinked, and then blushed and hid her face. As for Sam and Carl, they looked to each other again.

“Anyway…we exited on B after that. Sam…that’s the exit we took from the highway! That was the first turn on the path!”

Sam began to light up at that. “Yeah? Well…can you find out the rest of the directions?”

“Yeah, I think so! I can remember all my complaints I had the other day!”

“Well, what are we waiting for?”

Immediately, the two ponies began to get up and to their feet. Twilight, ignoring her embarrassment, soon began to do the same. Once all were up, they began to move down the street, looking for the nearest highway exit. Yet as they did, Sam looked to Carl one more time.

“Alright…so you’re finally over those milkshakes?”

Carl’s face turned to confusion, and he blinked.

“…What the hell is a ‘milkshake’?”

Sam looked blankly at that, then turned to Twilight. She gave a shrug.

“You can reintroduce them to him later.”

It took almost two hours to finally get back to the exit, considering how far they had gone and roamed, as well as the fact that they had to avoid police. Even if they weren’t fugitives, there were both roadblocks as well as the fact that one couldn’t get on the highway unless you were pulling a wagon normally. By that time, there were only ten hours until deadline. They were racing the clock now, and all of them felt their hearts racing as well. However, there was hope now…provided they could go fast enough.

On taking the exit, Sam looked around a bit, and lit up more. “You know…some of this place does look familiar!”

Twilight was focusing on Carl. “Alright, where do we go now?”

Carl continued to run down the street for a few minutes, then made a turn. “Right here.”

“You sure, Carl?” Sam asked.

“Positive.” The green stallion responded. “Look at the store on the corner.”

Both Sam and Twilight looked for a moment. Although it was dark and closed, they could see through the window as they came.

“It’s a glove store.” Twilight remarked.

“Exactly!” Carl responded. “We’re ponies! We only have four hooves! We’d need a shoe or boot store, not a glove store! I remember seeing that when we turned! Come on!”

The two tore down another street. They spent a couple minutes going down a few blocks, before Carl called out again.

“Another turn left here!”

“What is it this time?”

“I remember there was that advertisement there selling weather insurance!”

“So?”

“Dude, we know when all disasters are going to happen because of pegasi! It’s a scam because they’ll always claim the pony knew it was coming!”

The three made another turn and kept running down the new street. They had to run for several minutes more before Twilight, huffing and puffing, looked up to them.

“You two really had to go this long looking for the place to deliver too?”

“Well, it’s faster when you’re pulling a wagon.” Sam answered with a shrug.

“Sam, don’t distract me with new inconsistencies!” Carl retorted to that. “Right turn here! I’d know it anywhere! An ad selling a fine jeweled necklace for 2,000 bits!”

“…So?”

“So?! Sam, jewels are more plentiful in Equestria than iron ore! If you dig in the ground outside of town you’ll come home with at least a bucket full of raw diamonds! That thing should be worth 50 nibbles at the most! This way!”

Carl’s method was effective. Gradually, they made their way through the streets back to the location. However, time continued to work against them. The clock kept ticking, and Carl couldn’t get them there directly. He had to take them through all of the “side routes”, all of the wrong turns and weaves they had made on their initial trip. Hours continued to go by, one after another, especially as, not long after this point, the three had to worry about moving more carefully. Even in this part of town, there were still police officers, after all, along with Canterlot Royal Guards. This close to their destination, they couldn’t afford to be spotted.

As time went on, however, and the sky went from black to blue to lighter than that, Sam looked at a passing clock as they ran along. Grimacing, he looked back to the green stallion.

“Carl…it’s 6 AM. Come on, buddy…”

The pony soon slowed to a halt. He looked around for a moment. He gazed up one building, down the one nearby, and the street ahead. Sam and Twilight looked around as well, soon seeing that the building on the right looked rather familiar…and that there was a Speedy’s not far from where they were. Finally, Carl turned around and looked back to them. He paused a moment, and then nodded.

“Alright…I’m completely sure this is the warehouse where those foo dogs who switched our package were waiting.”

“How do you know?”

“…They’re standing right behind you two.”

Sam and Twilight both only had a moment to react before paws were slapped down on them from behind, and they were spun around to face a group of no less than eight rough-looking and irritable foo dogs. All of them gave them a glare, but in particular Sam. The blue stallion immediately noticed that most of them had rather bad pie burns on them. In particular, the one in the lead was the same one who had to “shuffle” to walk earlier.

“Well, if it ain’t the dead pony who pasted me in the rear end with a molten pie…” The foo dog snorted. “Where’s the money?”

Sam swallowed in response. He looked to Twilight, but she wasn’t risking a move right now. He looked behind him, but Carl was petrified. He wasn’t sure what to do himself. After a moment, he looked back to the foo dog. “Look…dude…I was only defending myself back there…”

“I said, ‘Where’s the money’?” The foo dog snapped. “Think before you answer, because if you aren’t going to pay up my boss, I’ve got no reason not to break every bone in your body.”

“We’ve got the money! We’ve got the money!” Sam immediately shot back, putting his hooves up defensively.

“Where?!”

“Well…” Sam swallowed. “Not on us…”

The shi began to tense up.

“Come on, man! You don’t think we’d be running around this part of town with 100,000 bits in our pockets, do you?” The blue stallion immediately insisted. “That’s crazy! Besides, you think I’m going to tell you where the money is if you’ll just kill us as soon as we tell you?”

“If you don’t tell me where the money is, I’m going to kill you.”

“Well I still want my girlfriend!” Sam shot back, again showing surprising volume and force uncharacteristic of him. It was enough to make the foo dog pause. “If you get my girlfriend from Nek Tuu Long and tell me where we can make the trade, the 100,000 bits are all yours! Then you can say you killed me and my girlfriend and keep the money for yourselves, all for not even having to worry about disposing of the bodies!”

One of the foo dogs shrugged here. “The price of lime is going up…”

The lead one gave him a look, making him whimper and cower, and then he looked back to Sam. He paused a moment, then looked to Twilight, and then back to Sam. He motioned to her. “Is that really Princess Twilight Sparkle?” He asked, casually enough.

Sam blinked a few times, and Twilight looked stunned. “…Of course. Can’t you tell?”

“All you Equestrians look alike to me.” The foo dog snorted. “You’re damn lucky, nag. You know you have a 250,000 reward on your head alone? 500 grand along with your ADD friend over there?”

“That’s obsessive-compulsive!” Carl shot back indignantly.

“And I can’t collect one nibble of that because I’m wanted too. So I’ll have to settle for the 100 grand. There’s a Rising Sun Food Services processing plant on 102nd and Main. Neighborhood is mob controlled. No cops there unless someone in the next block overhears someone dying and calls the police. You be there at the deadline…noon. We’ll have your girlfriend.”

“Alright. We’ll be there with some of the others from the delivery company.” Sam answered.

The foo dog looked puzzled. “The delivery company?”

“Yeah. That’s who we have holding onto the stuff for us…some of our co-workers from Solar Cycle. They hung onto the bits for us until we thought they’d be safe to move or spend.”

The thug looked upset at that, but Sam quickly interjected. “Hey…I thought it was bad business myself. And, frankly, they screwed us on this deal. They tried to keep it all for themselves. So…I really wouldn’t have a problem with you giving them a bloody nose to get it out of them.”

“We’ll give them and you worse than that if you try and cheat us.” The foo dog stated before nearly throwing Sam to the ground as he released him. “Don’t bother trying to cut town. Even if we weren’t watching all the ins and outs, the police are. So you better not try anything stupid…or get yourselves caught. Your filly’s dead if you do. Now get your ass out of here.”

Sam didn’t need any further prompting. After Twilight was likewise roughly released, and gave them a frown, Sam quickly turned her away and began to move back. They soon rejoined Carl, turned away, and all began to move. They continued to do so until they were both a good distance and the foo dogs turned and began to disperse.

At this, Carl looked to Sam. “What was that all about?”

“I’m forming a plan…” Sam answered. “Hopefully not one that falls through like all the other ones have until now. Just get us to the crate…”

Three more hours ticked by. It was getting harder. They were moving back to the “better” parts of town, where there were more police. They had to soon move to alleys or down side streets, which only “messed” Carl up even more. However, he continued to track the clues and went on farther and farther. The last few turns were made. Finally, after hours of moving, panting, running, and with the sun now in the air and the time going past 9 AM, Carl ground to a halt in the middle of the road.

“…What’s wrong?” Sam asked as he came in behind him.

“…I can’t find it.”

Both Sam and Twilight went wide-eyed. “Huh?”

“Dude…after we got to this point, I was so obsessed with just getting rid of the crate and hungry for shakes that I couldn’t think any more about inconsistencies!”

Sam began to let out a whine. “Carl…come on… Think of something…think of anything!”

He shook his head. “I can only think of one thing… ‘Somepony died on that last year’.”

Both Sam and Twilight looked at him in confusion. “…What is that supposed to mean?” Twilight asked.

“I have no idea!” Carl said with a helpless shrug. “All I can remember is ‘somepony died on that last year’, and I don’t know what it means! While I was going down this street, something made me think that…but I don’t know what!”

Sam rolled his eyes and groaned. Twilight exhaled. “We’ll just have to keep at it! We have to be close! Just look for a bakery!”

The blue stallion looked down, but gave a nod after a moment reluctantly. Carl, still trying to think, turned away and began to move again. Sam and Twilight started to follow…before a shaking, buzzing sound was heard. Instantly, they all froze and looked to Sam. They knew what that was…the conch. The blue stallion himself paused a moment, but then looked to his saddlebags. Before going for it, however, he looked to the sky. He seemed to think of something. Due to the delay, Twilight nearly asked what he was doing, but before she could say it, he went for the conch, tapped it, and held it to his head.

“We’re here.”

“For your sake, I hope you have the crate.” The voice came though on the other end, once again the male voice of Package Deal as opposed to Chrysalis’ “insectoid” tone.

Sam moistened his lips.

“…Sort of.”

A pause resulted. “What do you mean ‘sort of’?”

“The Vices managed to get ahold of it, and they’re not happy about you taking their drugs.”

Another pause, followed by an angry tone. “If you foals know what is good for you, you better not have told them about me…”

“We didn’t!” Sam immediately stated. “That doesn’t change the fact they want either the drugs or their money! And they said they won’t give up the crate to us unless they get it! And since you have our money, we can’t very well get the crate without it!”

An angry sneer on the other end of the line. “Insipid fools… Can’t rely on anyone, can we? We have to do every little thing ourselves… Very well. It’s not like anyone will miss them if we eat them. Where will they be?”

“The Rising Sun Food Services processing plant on 102nd and Main, at noon sharp.”

“My minions and I will be there, but we won’t take a step in that building until we see you enter first. And If I so much as smell a Canterlot Royal Guard, I’ll make sure you both suffer dearly for it.”

“There won’t be…just the guys who have the crate.”

The conch shell clicked. Both Twilight and Carl looked to Sam as he ran along and shoved it in his saddlebags. Twilight, in particular, turned her head a bit.

“I think I’m starting to get your plan in mind…”

“Hopefully they make enough noise to get the police to come running, especially now.” Sam answered. “But none of this will work unless we get that crate. On that note, everypony keep looking…”

Unfortunately, after another hour ticked by…the three still had found nothing. They ventured forward down the road but, on seeing nothing after a while, they turned and headed back. Seeing nothing that way either, they went down the road again. Still seeing nothing, they came back. By now, another hour had passed. The sun was fairly high and 10 AM came by. Only two hours were left, and still they couldn’t find it. They began to get rather nervous, especially when they looked at the clock as it chimed.

Twilight swallowed. “Only two hours left… Assuming we go straight through all the roadblocks, onto the highway, and then straight…we’ll still be cutting it close even if we leave right now.”

“Still no sign of anything, either…” Sam stated nervously. “Carl…there had to be something else.”

“There wasn’t, dude.” Carl responded. “Just what I told you…”

Sam groaned. This was taking too long. They had to find this place soon before it was too late. But where? They had been up and down this road four times now, but it still didn’t show itself. He thought they’d be a sign somewhere, but it was likely the last turn they made was when the sign was lit up and at a distance. Right now, there was no way to get it. All they had were painted signs saying…

Suddenly, he spotted something. He actually slowed in his step. After a moment, Carl and Twilight both noticed him, and stopped as well to look at him.

“…What is it?”

“Look!” Sam stated as he pointed to a turn of a corner.

The two other ponies looked, and saw there was a large painted sign with an arrow gesturing one way. It was marked: “Mont Blanc”.

“…So?”

“That’s it!” Sam exclaimed. Immediately, he took off for that turn. Carl and Twilight were both puzzled, but soon ran after him.

“What’s it?” Carl called.

“Mont Blanc! Remember last winter when we were having hot chocolate and you looked at the paper and you said: ‘Why would those two ponies who died on Mont Blanc be dumb enough to climb it during the winter?’ Plus, a ‘Mont Blanc’ is a chestnut dessert! You must have thought that when you saw the name of the bakery! All the bakeries in this town look like they’re named after food!”

Carl paused, but then lit up. “…You’re right! Wait…Sam…that means you do listen to me when I ramble about crap!”

“Of course I do, dude!” Sam answered as he turned the corner. “Why wouldn’t I?”

“…I…kind of thought you always just wished I’d shut up and eat the cookies or whatever.”

Sam sighed. “Carl…I’ve told you before. Just because you annoy me to death sometimes doesn’t mean I never listen to you! If I didn’t listen to you, how could I even get annoyed?”

Carl didn’t answer that, although he thought about it for a moment, and seemed to see the logic in it. Yet before he could think to hard, he looked up and forward. Sam soon did the same, as did Twilight. Sure enough, as they went closer and rounded another building, they saw a sight they recalled…the lot of a bakery. On a large, yet not illuminated, sign, it read simply: “Mont Blanc Bakery: 24/7”.

“We found it!” Sam cried.

“Ha-ha!” Carl shouted in glee.

“Let’s get that crate open and head back immediately!” Twilight shouted. “Hopefully Celestia can fly us or teleport us or something…”

The two immediately rushed straight for the main entrance. They threw all other caution aside, including if anyone was nearby, watching, how many wagons were in the lot, or even the inside of the place. Like most businesses similar to this, it had large glass doors and pane windows so one could easily look inside, but the three instead went to the front. Once there, Twilight’s horn lit up and grabbed the handle, giving it a pull.

A loud click rang out, and nothing else.

Twilight blinked. “Huh?”

The three ponies stopped. Twilight tried to pull the handle again…but nothing. She yanked on it a few times, but still nothing.

Carl frowned. “What’s the matter?”

“It’s locked.” Twilight answered.

“Locked? It’s a 24 hour bakery!” The green stallion retorted.

“Look!” Sam announced, pointing above the door. The other two looked as well, and soon saw a piece of paper taped to it. Twilight leaned in and read it aloud.

“’Store Closed Until Wednesday – Replacing Mixers’.”

“Ugh!” Sam groaned, rolling his eyes. “We don’t have time for that! Can’t you use some sort of unlocking spell?”

Twilight frowned. “If unicorns could just unlock ‘whatever’, there’d be no point to locking things in the first place. This is an iron lock. It negates magic.”

Carl frowned and began to look around, soon running off to one side. Again, Sam and Twilight failed to notice as they looked to one another. “Well…don’t you know any lockpicking techniques? I mean, you read a lot, don’t you?”

“Well, yeah! But usually I know if something is going to arise before I start researching!”

“Doesn’t this come up a lot? I mean, you go on lots of adventures, right?”

“…You know, Sam, I’m getting a bit tired of you constantly looking to me for solutions. Just this once, can’t you try and solve your own problem?”

“There’s nothing I can do and I don’t have time! I mean, listening to the lock isn’t really going to get it open!”

“Well, why don’t you…WHOA!”

Twilight suddenly recoiled. Sam looked to the source, and soon gasped and recoiled as well…watching Carl as he ran up to the window, holding a rather heavy trash can over his head and grunting as he ran up to it. He was moments from flinging it when Sam quickly interjected.

“Carl, what the hell are you doing?!”

“No time to argue, Sam!” The green stallion replied. “Besides, a bit of petty vandalism is worth it if it saves our asses and Dawn’s, right?”

“Carl-”

“Dude, relax! This is just breaking glass! It’s something a foal would do playing ball! Besides, we’re saving somepony! It was for a good cause!”

“Carl!”

Without waiting any longer, however, Carl tossed the heavy garbage can and, just as intended, it shattered the largest pane in the front window, landing inside the bakery to the tune of dozens of shards of broken glass. And the second it did so…a very loud magic alarm immediately began to blare with the sound of a fire siren. Twilight, Sam, and Carl all looked wide-eyed for a moment, frozen in position, before Sam began to turn purple again as he looked to Carl, who moistened his lips.

“…Didn’t really plan on there being an alarm, though.”

“Just move fast before every cop in the city gets here!” Sam shouted.

“Alright…everypony, knock some of the broken glass out of the frame before you run in!” Twilight called. “Otherwise you may end up cutting yourself really…”

Before she could finish, she trailed off…watching Sam and Carl simply jump through the window. She frowned and rolled her own eyes before flapping her wings to get her in through the open window, far from the glass.

The three wasted little time once inside. Immediately, they charged past the tables and chairs, knocking over most of them in the process, leapt over the counter, and burst into the baking area in the back. As soon as the three went in, they froze and noticed it was large…quite a bit bigger than Sugarcube Corner. However, they immediately broke in three separate directions and began to go through everything, looking for the crate. At first the large storage areas were checked, but there was nothing there. They looked in corners or pallets off the floor, but found nothing. Eventually, they looked in smaller cabinets and cupboards, but still nothing. Getting desperate, they began to look everywhere by default, including drawers, mixing bowls, and cookie jars. All the while, the siren continued to blare.

Finally, after having torn up the kitchen utterly, the three ran to the center and met with each other again.

“She’s not here!” Sam exclaimed.

“That’s impossible!” Carl retorted. “They can’t just ‘shove away’ a box that big!”

“But we’ve looked everywhere!” Twilight insisted. “Are you sure this is the right bakery?”

“Sure, I’m sure! It looks familiar and everything!” Carl answered.

Sam paused a moment…before his face fell slightly. Slowly, he looked to Carl with yet another glare.

“Carl…do you remember when the crate had a break in it, you posted a sticker over it that said: ‘Freeze on arrival’?”

Carl turned to him and began to nod. “Yeah, I d…”

The green stallion trailed off as his face turned to horror. Twilight looked twice as horrified, and Sam himself began to look even more nervous. Immediately, the three took off like a crack of a whip for the door to the freezer. They nearly fought over who got to open it first, but finally they managed to rip it open, nearly tearing it off in the process, and then burst inside.

A few seconds later, and a fridge-sized crate marked with tape that read “Freeze on Arrival” and “Industrial Crate – Sprinkles” underneath was quickly pushed out and into the open. Once there, the three immediately ripped away the tape as fast as they could, tore away the latches, and then ripped it so violently from all sides that the wooden sides of it fell down. They soon gaped in more anguish and shock than ever.

In a box-mold, perfectly shaped, was a solid prism of ice…with Princess Celestia suspended inside of it like a bizarre sculpture. She seemed to have curled up as best as she could and froze once in that position.

Sam and Carl practically began to sound like spastic squirrels as they stammered and glared at it.

“P-P-P-P-P…”

“Ohsh’tohsh’tohsh’tohsh’t…”

“F-F-F-F-F…”

“We’ref**kedwe’ref**kedwe’ref**kedwe’ref**ked…”

“…She’s a block of ice!!”

“I can see that, Carl!!”

“We’re infinitely dead, man! Which level of Hell do you get thrown into for killing a goddess?!”

“Guys…”

“Hey, you’re the one who did this, Carl!”

“Guys!”

“Oh, so now it’s my fault? You backstabbing piece of-”

“Guys!”

Both Sam and Carl snapped to Twilight, who was holding her hooves up in a stopping gesture.

“Don’t freak out! Ponies can survive being completely frozen for up to three weeks! She’s alive!”

The two ponies hesitated for a moment, and then both looked confused. “Uh…we can?”

“How else do you think those three rulers survived the first Hearth’s Warming Eve long enough to thaw out?”

Carl blinked for a moment, and then snapped his hooves and looked to Sam. “I knew something never felt right about that story. One less inconsistency on my mind…”

“Alright then…let’s get her out of this!” Sam immediately responded. “Don’t you know an instant-thawing spell?”

Twilight frowned. “I do…but that doesn’t matter! I can’t use any more magic for a while!”

Both Sam and Carl looked to her in surprise at this. “What?!”

“Come again?”

She sighed and rolled her eyes. “…I don’t suppose you two are familiar with the concept of ‘magic points’, are you?”

Both earth ponies stared back silently.

“…Magic points? MP? Things that let you cast spells?”

“…Not really.” Sam finally said.

“Well I’m out!” Twilight answered. “Casting that spell on Carl over and over again drained me! I won’t start recovering for another hour!”

Both of them froze again. They looked to Celestia, then back to her.

“Well…what do we do, then?”

“I don’t know what we’re going to do…” Carl retorted. “But those sirens are still going off, so we better do it somewhere else!”

“How?!” Sam retorted.

The three ponies stared at each other blankly for a moment.

About three minutes later, as the sirens continued to blare from the bakery and, far in the distance, the sounds of more sirens began to come in, a block of ice containing an alicorn goddess was slowly pushed out of the door, which had been unlocked from the inside. On the other side, Sam, Carl, and Twilight pushed it for all they were worth, to the tune of loud dragging. Finally, they managed to push her fully out onto the sidewalk. Immediately, Sam and Twilight slumped. Carl fell on top of Celestia’s ice block, lay there a second, and then leapt off again.

“Ow! That thing will give you frostbite! Sheesh, I can only imagine how agonizing and painful it was for Princess Celestia…”

Both Sam and Twilight looked up to glare daggers at him. Realizing what he had said, Carl swallowed. “Er…sorry.”

Sam grunted and began to rise. As he did, he turned his head to the sky, hearing the second set of sirens coming fast. He began to sweat. “That’s the cops coming…we’re dead.”

“Just show them the princess!” Twilight insisted as she began to rise as well. “That will clear you!”

“Like hell it will!” Carl responded. “They’ll accuse us of trying to leave her ‘sleeping with the fishes’ or ‘hung out to dry’ or ‘frozen with the ice cream’…or something.”

“Not to mention Dawn is still dead unless we get to that meeting!” Sam responded.

“Well even if there weren’t police coming, we can’t push Celestia all the way back to 102nd and Main!” Twilight retorted. “What can we do?”

Before anyone could say anything or think of anything, a loud squeal suddenly tore out. The three immediately turned to the source, and were just in time to see a wagon tear around a corner nearby. Soon after doing so, it shot around in a snap and rocketed straight for the group, before yanking to a halt right next to them. The three were stunned, but looked over it for a moment before their brains clicked.

“My wagon!” Carl exclaimed. He actually ran up to it and began to pet the side of it. “Oh man…I’ve never been so happy to see my Heavy piece of crap before!”

Sam looked around a bit. “But…how did it…?” He began to say, before looking to the front of the vehicle.

He was just in time to see the gremlin disconnecting himself from the harness, his hands formerly grasping the slats like they were a rickshaw. After doing so, he hopped out and moved in front of the group. Sam and Carl both gaped in astonishment on seeing him, however.

“…You?” Carl exclaimed.

“And it was no picnic, either.” The gremlin grumbled. “You know how hard it was to sneak this loud hunk of junk out of the impound lot? I had to chew through the boot they put on it!”

“But…how did you find us?” Sam asked.

The gremlin snorted. “Hello? ‘Gremlin Navigational System’, remember?”

Sam and Carl stared for a moment, before Sam frowned and looked to Carl again. “…You never once thought to check the navigational system of where you had been?”

Carl frowned at him. “You didn’t either, smartass.” He looked back to the gremlin and let out an exhale. His face brightened a bit. “Well…dude…what can I say? You just saved our butts big time.”

“Spare me, you jackass.” He snorted.

“Hey!” A donkey’s voice said from a window on the second floor of a building nearby.

“IT’S AN EXPRESSION!” Sam, Carl, Twilight, and the gremlin all yelled at once back to it, before they looked to each other.

“I didn’t do it to save you two.” The gremlin went on, before he smiled pleasantly and turned to look to Twilight. “I did it for our fair princess here.”

Twilight smiled back just pleasantly, as the gremlin came forward and took her hoof and kissed it. “That time you spent trapped in my room in the trunk was the most enlightening few hours of my life. Thanks to you, I feel so much more alive and purpose-driven. And as a result, I am giving up my life as a navigational system and pursuing a career in pathology.”

Twilight smiled a bit more, before the gremlin broke off and began to run down the street. Yet as he did, he turned, blew Twilight a kiss, and waved. “I’ll never forget you, Princess Twilight Sparkle!”

Soon, the gremlin turned and ran off into the distance…leaving the two staring blankly after him. After a moment, they turned back to Twilight. She smiled a moment, then gave a shrug.

“He had some older brother issues.” Pause. “…What, did you think all I did for four hours was wait for you to open the trunk? Now let’s get Celestia in the wagon!”

“Alright…” Sam answered as he looked to Carl, snapping out of it. “Then both of us hitch up to the wagon and run faster and harder than we ever had in our lives!”

Carl grimaced at that. “…Sam, I don’t know how to tell you this, but part of the reason I wasn’t going full speed is my package has taken so many hits today that I’m not sure ‘full-speed running’ is an option…”

Sam frowned. “Come on man, this is our last run! And we’ve got to go as fast as possible! We’ll probably have to outrun the cops, plus we have an hour and forty-five minutes to be there!”

The green stallion hesitated a moment, but then shrugged. “…Aren’t alicorns supposed to be pretty fast?”

Sam blinked on hearing that. Slowly, both he and Carl turned and looked to twilight. The purple alicorn grimaced slightly and began to recoil…

“…You know, guys…between you kidnapping me, freezing Celestia, and now making me pull your wagon…our relationship is beginning to be a bit ‘strained’.” Twilight said grumpily as she stood next to Sam in the slats at the front of Carl’s wagon, hitched up and ready to move.

It had taken less than a minute to put Celestia into the back of the wagon, although they had to throw out a lot of junk and she herself was rather heavy to lift. But with the sirens growing more distinctive all the time, panic helped them to tough through grabbing the cold surfaces and putting her in. Once on board, Carl hopped in the back to steady her. Sam and Twilight lashed themselves to the front.

However, no sooner had they gotten done, and Twilight made her statement, when Carl looked up and behind them. He was just in time to see not one but two different policewagons rounding corners and beginning to shoot straight for them.

“Just get this thing in gear!” He cried in response. “We’ve got company!”

“Alright! Full speed!” Sam yelled, rearing up on his own hooves. Twilight groaned and did once herself, before landing her hooves along with Sam and taking off as fast as they could. In moments, the wagon was off like a shot, rocketing down the street. Seconds later, the policewagons rolled up to where they had been. Not stopping for a moment, they immediately took off after the wagon. Not only that, but two more pulled out of the alleys behind and went after them as well.

As Sam and Twilight picked up speed, they suddenly saw two more police wagons rip out of either side of the street ahead of them, quickly closing in to try and cut them off. Apparently, the Manehattan Police Department had put two and two together, and hadn’t taken this break-in lightly. The entire force looked like it had been called down on that area. However, they were just a second too slow. Sam and Twilight, to a snap and a jerk that threw Carl around a bit, managed to “shoot the gap” and keep going…leaving a roadblock that stopped the rest of the policewagons behind them. A moment later, they shot through another gap as two more policewagons came out and tried to stop them, but still managed to get clear with one of the policeponies just scraping the side of their vehicle. After that, the two roadblocks stalled the police, who had to disentangle themselves before they could keep going.

“Alright! We made it!” Sam exclaimed.

“Head left!” Twilight stated. “We’re going to the highway!”

Sam’s joy ebbed. “What? That thing will have more roadblocks than here!”

“We don’t have a choice!” The princess responded. “We’ll never make it to the other side of town if we don’t!”

Sam groaned, but then looked behind him. “Carl? Any chance on getting Celestia out of there anytime soon?”

He soon reacted in puzzlement. Carl was “working on it”…sort of. At the moment, he was breathing as hard as he could on the ice block and rubbing it with his hoofs, melting about two drops at a time.

“…I think my hoof will go numb long before that, Sam. Or I’ll hypoventilate…”

Sam would have facehooved if he could. “Carl, think of something better!”

The green stallion paused a moment, but then looked down in his wagon. After throwing a few things around, he came out with a hammer and a screwdriver. Putting the screwdriver on the block, he got ready to hit it.

Luckily, Twilight spotted this before he could, and gasped. “You can’t do that! You might shatter the princess if you don’t let her thaw first!”

Carl frowned and threw the hammer and screwdriver down. “Not leaving me with a whole lot of options, you two. Let me see if I can find that magic heated ice scraper I got last Hearth’s Warming Eve…”

As he went toward the back of the wagon, however, a sound of roaring wheels suddenly peeled in behind them. Carl looked up at that, and saw that, in addition to the police wagons that had ordered themselves and were now charging after them en masse…and had other police wagons soon beginning to join them…another wagon had “joined the running”, whipping out from an alley and charging straight for them.

A classic red Charger…being pulled by a solid piece of muscle in pony form, glaring at their wagon with those soulless reflective sunglasses.

Carl began to quiver all over. “Uh…Sam? Princess? We’ve got an old friend behind us.”

Both Sam and Twilight looked to their rear view mirrors just as they reached the exit and began to ascend it. On seeing who was there, both of them went white.

“Oh boy…” Twilight muttered.

“Don’t stop now! Run harder!” Sam shouted.

The two tore up the ramp as fast as they possibly could. At the top of it…a group of police ponies were already erecting a barricade, but luckily it was made of wooden rails rather than wagons. However, it did have numerous police ponies readying magic gauntlets and ducking behind it, aiming for the wagon. If that wasn’t enough, as Sam looked up, he saw a familiar pony with a megaphone posted in front of it, glaring at them darkly as he spoke into it.

“It’s all over, Sistency and Listens-to-Carl’s Problems!” Lt. Gum Shoe blared. “Stop the vehicle and put your hooves up or we’ll open fire!”

Twilight looked considerably anxious. “There’s too many! We have to do what they say!”

“No way!” Sam snapped back, only putting on more speed. “I’m not getting eaten by a cannibalistic pony this close to the end of all of this mess!”

With the wagon picking up speed, Twilight grimaced but had no choice to run hard as well. As they did so, Carl looked forward himself, and saw the blockade. Gum Shoe stared a moment, but then sneered and quickly pulled the megaphone away and moved to one side, while the other officers armed with magic gauntlets took aim and readied to fire.
As Carl saw this, he panicked a moment, before quickly looking through the things in the wagon. A moment later, he saw something. In a flash, he snapped down, and came back up with the bottle of baby oil and the jar of peanut butter he found earlier. Quickly, he scooped out some of the peanut butter, unscrewed the baby oil, dropped it inside, shook it up hard, and then snapped around and squirted the bottle, soon sending out a powerful stream that splashed across both Twilight and Sam. At first, they were both shocked and disgusted…but when the magic blasts began to fire…they simply bounced off of the two as a result of the magic-repelling mixture. Seeing that their weapons were doing nothing, the police ponies gaped in shock before jumping to one side…just in time to have Sam and Twilight bust through the barricade and tear onto the highway. Narrowly missing a few other fast moving wagons, they broke onto it and quickly merged, soon tearing down the road.

“Whoo-hoo!” Sam yelled in triumph. “Carl, you did something smart for once!”

“…What do you mean ‘for once’?!”

“Dude, forget it…you just saved us!”

“Good! You get the next one!” Carl shouted back. “Because 'Widow-Maker' is closing in fast!”

Sam’s smile faded, and he looked to the rearview mirror again. Sure enough, Atlas and his Charger were still hot on their heels and had even closed the distance. And farther behind him, the stream of policewagons were ripping past the remains of the barricade and staying tight behind them. They were far from in the clear.

“We’ve got to go faster, princess!”

“Ugh…you’re asking the wrong pony!” Twilight retorted. “It’s my friends who are the fast ones! This is my limit!” She groaned. “I knew I should have read that one book on fleeing the entire police force and special troops in times of crisis…”

Ignoring her, Sam called back. “Carl, you’ve got to stop him!”

“With what?!”

“Anything! Any piece of junk you can find to throw at him!”

Carl grimaced, and then began to look around behind him. After a moment, he yanked out a disposable cup he had long since emptied and threw it out at Atlas. He followed up with some old, fossilized cookies, and then a few wrappers. Naturally, assuming any of these things came anywhere near Atlas, he moved right by them without changing, or ripped through them.

“Any luck?” Sam called after a moment.

“…Other than adding littering to our list of charges? Not really…” Carl muttered back. “Come on…there’s got to be something in here I can use…”

Atlas and his wagon were getting close now, enough to where Carl could hear him snorting. Finally, Carl yanked out the hammer from before. Giving a shrug, he turned to Atlas and flung the hammer straight at his head. He didn’t even flinch as it came, even though the hit was good and the solid iron part struck him right in between the eyes. The blow didn’t do anything to him personally…but it did fracture the sunglasses. As a result, he winced as the shards broke off into his eyes. Seeing his brief advantage, mostly out of panic, Carl quickly flung the screwdriver as well. However, it was way off this time, especially since the temporarily blinded Atlas went to one side. Instead, the tool shot like a dart straight into the wagon wheel of his Charger and sank in through the point, leaving the handle protruding. As it rolled forward more, the “stuck out” portion struck the ground…and immediately made the entire vehicle surge and rock violently, moving to flip. Carl, blinking in astonishment, watched as he saw the whole wagon go to the side and into a violent tumble, yanking Atlas along with it. It immediately lost speed even as it rolled forward, and soon after it rolled back into the police wagons behind it, colliding with them and smashing them and the drivers up, creating a “domino effect” that soon smashed up even more as they rolled back. Although it caused a lot of destruction, which both Sam and Twilight were privy to thanks to the rear view mirrors, Carl pumped his hoof in victory.

“Yes! I nailed him!”

Twilight, however, winced. “You also took down at least twenty police officers! You know…I’ve got to try and get you out of this at some point! I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t too many law ponies in the hospital!”

Sam, meanwhile, looked forward as they ran along. As he went by one exit, he grimaced on seeing that a group of police had already set up another barricade there. He swallowed before looking to Twilight. “We’re going to have to run this fast all the way… I’m not even sure they won’t already have our way blocked by the time we get there!”

The princess grimaced at him. “Worse than that…we’re going to have more and more police following us the longer we stay out here! Look!”

She gestured with her horn to the sky. Sam looked up, and soon grimaced as he saw flying Canterlot Chariots pulled by Royal Guard Pegasi beginning to come down and over overhead, keeping an eye on their car as they went on down the highway.

Sam groaned. “We got to find a way to lose these guys!” He shouted back to Twilight over the sound of the wagons and wings. He looked behind him again. “Carl! What else do we have left back there?”

Carl was about to respond, when his mouth shut again. He spotted something from the rows of police wagons behind them. As their own wagon pulled past a large “semi-tractor-wagon” being pulled by a team of eight large ponies, he thought he saw an object go into the air and then sink again in the crowd of police vehicles. He blinked for a moment, thinking he saw an optical illusion. Yet as he looked again…he saw the object leap out and land again…this time revealing itself to be a coal black pony before vanishing into the crowd.

The green stallion began to gape. “No way…”

A moment later, and the hulking form of Atlas shot out from the police wagons, arched through the air, and landed on one of the police wagons. In spite of the fact that his sheer impact smashed it flat and sent the police ponies crying out and spiraling out of control, he launched himself up and overhead in a physics-defying arc before smashing down on top of the semi-tractor-wagon. Carl looked up to him in horror.

As he did so, he saw Atlas, nothing more than dirt on him, rising up to full height on the wagon and glaring down at him. The wind whipped around him, but he was oblivious and unmoving to it.

The green stallion gulped, before he looked around a bit. After a moment, however, his eyes lit up on a bunch of luggage “bungees” nearby. Quickly, he scooped up a few of them, linked them together, and then fashioned them into a crude grappling hook before swing it over his head and looked to Atlas as the semi picked up speed, bringing him closer.

“Heh-heh…time for a case of roadrash, asshole!”

He snapped his crude grapple out for the coal black monstrosity, meaning to hook into him and give a snap to yank him into the highway.

Without shifting anything else, the Augean pony’s hoof shot out, snatched the hooked end, and gave a quick snap to yank Carl with a jerk off of the wagon and up onto the semi…right in front of him. He even landed on his feet. The green stallion’s cockiness evaporated as he stared blankly at the ponyhunter looking over him.

The most frightening thing was that, in true “hellish pony” fashion, his eyes were red and yellow with serpentine irises seeming to stare into his soul.

Swallowing, he dropped his end of the bungee, and gave a shrug.

“…Sorry.”

He gagged a moment later as Atlas snapped out a hoof that not only knocked him to the ground, but also began to press against his windpipe in a throttling move. From nearby, Sam and Twilight both looked to this and gaped, but could do little.

“Carl!”

As for the green stallion, he gagged and struggled, for all the good it did. Atlas himself only continued to push down more and more upon him, looking like he would pop his head off long before he choked him. For a moment, he was panicked and in pain, unable to move or react…when his eyes spotted something…one of the chariots shooting by overhead…

Immediately, his hoof felt out around him for a moment. It fumbled for a second or two, all the while the pressure, pain, and oxygen deprivation increasing, before he finally managed to seize the end of his “grappling hook”. With all the strength he could muster, he yanked it back, swung it around a bit, and then flung it up into the air. By a miracle, it caught the axle of one of the chariots as they went by and hooked. Quickly, Carl brought his hoof to his mouth and chomped down on the cord, holding tight as the chariot went by…ripping him out from beneath Atlas and bearing him off into the air.

Carl instantly clutched the cord for dear life as he saw the road and Manehatten itself shoot by below, releasing his teeth and clutching it with all four hooves. Sam and Twilight looked up in response, seeing him being borne away, while Atlas immediately shot to his own hooves and glared coldly at him. A moment later, his head twitched to one side, spotting another chariot flying low. Immediately, he squatted and leapt into the air…leaving an indentation in the semi before he sailed up and landed right in the chariot. The Canterlot Guard driving it snapped to him in alarm and shock, only to have him glare back, before speaking coldly.

“…Get out.”

Immediately, the guard grinned nervously, nodded, and then jumped out of the side…before extending wings and flying to safety. As for Atlas, he took the reins and snapped them, immediately spurring the pegasi on and making them shoot after Carl’s chariot.

The green stallion let out a curse. Luckily for him, the driver for his own chariot, while looking around to try and see why they were losing altitude, turned and looked behind him…and let out a cry as he saw a very large and intimidating pony flying right after him. Soon, he snapped his own reins, and Carl’s own chariot took off like a shot. Unfortunately, as they were going along, the wind whipped him around on the bungee rather hard and fast, causing him to cry out as he spun this way and that, shooting into the streets of Manehattan, going around buildings and over them, before snapping out and going back to the highway, only to do more of the same.

Sam and Twilight were helpless to do anything. Twilight’s magic hadn’t regenerated, and the police were not only still on their heels, but more came every second. They couldn’t do much more than shout out moral support, and even that was slipping considering the fact that they were running out of breath from all the running. Carl felt like an already-dead fish on his own line, not to mention would have puked long ago if his belly wasn’t empty, but through it all he managed to catch the fact that his pursuer was closing the distance.

Swallowing, Carl began to look around a bit, but he had nothing. Some of the bungee had gotten entangled around him, but other than that he had no weapons or objects of any kind that he could use to defend himself with, or offer any resistance. Looking overhead again, he saw that Atlas was angling his chariot toward the one he was attached to, clearly meaning to jump on. And when that happened, he’d be reeled in within a snap…

Finally, however, he saw a slight ray of hope. They were headed back to the highway again, moving to intersect the path of Sam and Twilight with their own cart. Not only that, but they were nearing a sign stretched over the road that indicated exits…a chance…

As he spotted this, he saw Atlas leap again, his force so strong it knocked his own chariot out of the sky, and the pegasus drivers yelled in fright before colliding with a building side. He, however, sailed through the air and landed on the chariot, immediately crowding out that driver as well, a unicorn this time, who barely managed to balance himself with his horn before going splat. The chariot went over the highway, and reached the sign. As Atlas looked over the edge to try and grab the bungee, Carl made his move…quickly yanking out with the other hooked end and lashing it around the passing sign crossbeam, before leaping off and for the wagon.

Atlas seized the bungee and gave a yank…only to find his quarry gone. As for Carl, he landed in the wagon, right on top of the stiff and still-frozen Celestia for a rather jarring impact, yet still in the right spot. As for Atlas, he looked in confusion for only a moment, before he quickly saw the line run out and snap taut. He had just a moment to show genuine surprise before the force yanked the chariot, immediately ripping it out of the sky at an angle, causing it to swing in an arc before the force ripped out the base of the chariot all together and sent it flying.

Atlas, the two drivers, and the chariot tumbled through the air for a few moments in free fall. The two pegasi, somehow, in their panic, managed to undo their lashings, and then quickly flew for it. But Atlas, still earth-bound, was only able to spill around for a few moments before he evened out, grasping the chariot cab as best he could, before showing more surprise. He was headed right for the window at the side of a tall factory, and soon went right through and shot inside.

A tremendous commotion and series of destructive noises were audible even from the highway, as Carl looked up and over to the building Atlas had smashed into. As he continued to hear more chaos from the impact, he looked over to the side of it to see its sign.

Cliff Hanger’s Rat Traps, Saw Blades, Power Drills, Jagged Glass Pieces, Highly Concentrated Acid Vials, and Napalm Emporium.

As he finished reading, a small eruption went off before a flaming cloud of smoke arose from the broken window. Carl swallowed a bit, but then exhaled and cracked his neck before giving a small salute.

“And an era in Equestria comes to an end…”

After that, he began to crawl toward the front of the wagon. Both Sam and Twilight, panting, sweaty, and out of breath, looked back to him.

“Carl? Are you alright?”

“You didn’t break the princess when you landed, did you?”

The green stallion paused a moment, then pointed a hoof at Sam. “Yes, aside from being shaken up. Thank you.” He then pointed a hoof at Twilight. “Screw you.” After that, he looked behind him. “…Wow. I didn’t know there were that many policeponies in this city…not to mention that many Canterlot Royal Guards… On that note, you two…they’re getting closer.”

“Not much we can do about that, Carl…” Sam said in between slight pants. “We’re already running as fast as we can! And we’re getting tired out!”

“Besides, even if we stay away from them, if we don’t find a way to lose them, we’ll lure them right to where we’re meeting the Vices and Chrysalis!” Twilight maintained. “Then the whole plan will fall through!”

“What have we got left, Carl?” The blue stallion shouted.

Carl quickly looked through his wagon, and soon grimaced.

“Well…that ice scraper…my flashlight…some face-wiping fluid…a spare wagon wheel…a small bungee…and some ugly orange plate that got broken last New Year’s…”

Twilight snapped her own head around and looked to Carl at that. He gave a shrug as he held up the parts to her. She stared a moment, and then wheeled forward.

“Alright! Listen to me and do exactly as I say!” She immediately spoke in a firm command.

Both Sam and Carl looked to her in puzzlement at that, for her face suddenly turned rather fierce and focused, not to mention concentrating, like she was trying to remember something. However, Carl grimaced before getting the things.

“Crack open the lens of the flashlight and wedge one of the pieces of plate inside it! Make sure its one of the heavily orange pieces!”

Carl didn’t know what that meant, but gave a shrug and did as he was told. After some work, he managed to make one.

“Now take the fluid and fill the interior with it until the piece is submerged inside the flashlight head! Make sure not to spill any!”

The green stallion uncapped the fluid and began to do so. The police continued to close in on them. They had cleared the last barricaded exit, but by now they had almost everyone in pursuit from both Canterlot and Manehattan, and they were closing.

“Alright, I got it!”

“Tie that end to one of the spokes of the wagon wheel with the broken end facing the interior! Make sure the fluid doesn’t spill!”

Carl took up the bungee and proceeded to tie it to it as Twilight specified. Sam was looking behind him a bit curiously at this point…but was also growing nervous as the policeponies got closer and closer.

“Done!”

“Alright…now…when I say go…Carl, you turn on the flashlight and roll the wheel out as fast as you can off of the wagon and toward the police wagons! And Sam…you and me shoot for the first exit we come to as quickly as ponily possible! You got it?”

Both Sam and Carl were still confused, and growing more nervous all the time, but both nodded.

“Ok… Ready…”

The hooves of the officers grew louder yet. Sam and Carl both began to sweat.

“Set…”

Some of the chariot-mounted officers and guards were readying their magic gauntlets again. Carl swallowed and grasped the wheel hard.

“Go!”

Immediately, Sam and Twilight snapped to one side to shoot for the exit, as Carl flung the wheel out as hard as he could after hitting the switch. It was pretty good, spinning in a sharp enough blur to keep the fluid inside the flashlight chamber. Soon the wheel was rocketing for their pursuers as the group shot down the ramp.

“Get down, Carl!” Twilight shouted as they did so.

He flattened himself, but also looked up to Twilight. “What was that, anyway?”

“A hastily-made, miniaturized nuclear bomb!”

Carl blinked. “What in Equestria is a nucle-”

BOOM.

Carl was nearly flung out of the wagon along with Celestia, while the cart was nearly thrown forward into the stunned Sam and the running Twilight. As for behind them, the nearest police ponies were flung into the air and cried out in alarm as they were scattered to the wind, while the pegasi in the air were blasted in all directions due to the turbulence of the wind from the powerful blast. As Carl and Sam snapped around, they gaped to see a huge cloud of black smoke take the form of a mushroom cloud, and all of the police ponies who hadn’t been knocked away by the shockwave were rapidly grinding to a halt before they collided with their brethren, soon creating a massive logjam that blocked up the entire highway, had wagons running on top of each other, smashed other wagons to bits, and made a tremendous, catastrophic pile up of gargantuan and every-growing proportions. The suspended highway itself was broken…smashed by the blast into bits and leaving a gaping, impenetrable gap between Sam, Carl, and Twilight and their pursuers. And soon, they vanished from view as they left the ramp and slipped back into the city.

The panicked ponies soon looked up, to each other, and then to Twilight.

“Celestia and Luna…”

“What the hell was that?”

“I told you…it was a nuclear bomb!” Twilight responded. “That orange paint on that plate contained a substance called uranium that I was able to turn into a supercritical mass using the magic properties in the fluid and lighting magic and catalyzed it using the wagon as a crude centrifuge!”

“But…but…”

“That big…?”

“They’re illegal and forbidden…but I figured so long as we’re already breaking so many laws already…one more wouldn’t hurt.”

“Do they…have any…you know, side effects?”

“Well, they spew radioactive particles into the air that used to be harmful to all life, but ponies are immune to them. In fact, that’s part of where mana comes from. Lots of radioactive particles floating in the air leftover from the last dominant life form on this planet that destroyed itself by blowing each other up with too many of them. That’s why we don’t make them anymore.”

“You mean…something ruled Equestria before ponies?”

“…Like what?”

“Naked apes that had ears that looked like your Cutie Mark…but that’s not important right now! We need to get to the factory! We’ve lost the police but there’s no way we’re getting the rest of the way on the highway, so we’re going to have to take the backroads!”

Sam snorted and looked forward. “Alright…Carl, get ready to switch out with me!”

“…You know, I’m not really built for running, being originally a unicorn-”

“Sure thing, Sam!” Carl stated, ignoring Twilight.

“I’ll take over with Princess Celestia and see if I can’t shave some of that ice off of her…” Sam stated as, in mid-run, he began to undo himself. “Just get to that factory!”

To be continued...

Author's Note

As you may have guessed, Carl went through several movies and shows while Twilight was trying to find the "proper frequency". Can you guess them all?

Chapter 6 - Two Background Ponies in a Mexican Stand Off

With fifteen minutes to spare, the trio, quartet including Celestia, arrived at the zone. Immediately, they began to “unpack”. Sam had managed to turn Celestia from a solid block into the current progress on “Crazy Horse”…which meant she barely even vaguely had a pony shape. However, the increase in surface area and the heat was making her melt steadily now. The “edges” had been rounded and she had a puddle beneath her at all times. Still, it would take far too long to get her thawed. The only disguise they could give her was an “Economy Sized” cookie bag that Carl had sitting in a corner. They had gotten it once at a Filthy’s Club, but the cookies weren’t that good and went bad long before they could finish, so they covered Celestia with it and began to drag her along. At the bare minimum, she was a bit easier to move now.

Twilight, on her part, kept Carl’s hat and coat on, although there was little disputing that she wouldn’t be recognized by anypony who took a good look at her, so she was left to stand behind Sam and Carl as an “assistant” and to pull Celestia along. With that in mind, the three began to approach the factory.

Sure enough, it was in a darker part of town…and resembled one of those Westerns with no one in any direction. No kids playing. No wagons passing. Just dust and the wind. And looming ahead of them, silently spewing out industrial smoke, was a large, grimy, dark factory labeled: “Rising Sun Food Services”.

Sam and Carl both exhaled, and then looked to each other, and then back to Twilight.

“…This is it.”

“Not really sure if we’re going to get out of this alive, Sam.”

“Even if we do, we may be going to prison for a very long time, Carl…” The blue stallion muttered. “…But Dawn’s worth it to me, so I’m going in there.”

“And I’m going in if it means stopping Chrysalis.” Twilight added.

Sam looked to Carl. “…You wanting to back down?”

He shook his head. “No…I’ve got something at stake in there too.”

Sam stared at him a moment, before Carl looked to him with a smile.

“Friendship.”

Sam paused, but then smiled. Twilight did the same. As for the mice that worked windshield wipers in Carl’s wagon behind them, they made gagging noises before packing up their own things and running off as well. After that, Sam and Carl both exhaled, and then looked forward again.

“…Let’s do this.”

The three, dragging the concealed Celestia behind them, began to approach.

A few minutes later, they reached the only discernable entrance that was “open”, a large set of metal doors on one side of the factory. They were heavy and hard to move, but they also weren’t locked. It took Sam and Carl a bit of grunting and strain, but they grabbed one side and pushed it in one direction, and then all “four” began to move in.

The place was definitely foreboding enough. A monument to dirty, inefficient factories and sweat shops. The place had large, steam-powered equipment everywhere, hissing, spitting, and grinding away. Catwalks and side chambers were all over the place, dotted and separated by large pieces of machinery chugging. One place they went by had machines filling dumplings with Crab Rangoon. Other mixing vat was filling bottles with sweet and sour sauce. Yet another was filing along line after line of uncooked egg rolls into a massive deep fryer whose gauge was rated at over a thousand degrees. Between the heat, hissing, and darkness, it was quite fear inducing. Even with sunlight coming through the fogged windows, it was nerve-wracking. Especially since there wasn’t a worker there.

The three made their way down the “main path”, one that entire wagons could go through. However, they didn’t see signs of anypony. They progressively grew more tense as they went along, however.

“Lots of places for snipers, Sam… And no one would hear us if we cried for help…”

“…Lovely thought, Carl. What’s our time, princess?”

“Only a minute until noon…”

“We found the right place, didn’t we?”

“Sure we…”

Carl trailed off, and the others soon looked blankly and nervously forward as well.

As they rounded a corner, they found a gang of a dozen kirins…presumably looking at them. They couldn’t really tell unless they looked up. Some of these ones were dressed as thugs, although in a more Pacesian style. They were also cracking their knuckles and looking formidable. When the group looked into the air, they noticed that the one in the middle was Nek Tuu Long himself…and he didn’t look happy.

All three gulped.

“Well…if it isn’t my two ‘favorite’ Equestria lumps of dung.” Long stated as he began to walk forward, his whole entourage moving with him. “And it looks as if you brought me a present. How ironic…I was going to give you a present too. Here you go.”

With that, his branched horn glowed…and an object was lifted over the rest of the kirins and dropped right in front of three. It ended up being a rather large funeral bell…which let out a resounding gong on landing…but what really made the three gasp was seeing that it was etched with the image of a gang of foo dogs who were being pursued by what looked like giant, oblong seahorses that spewed out foam from their heads.

“Seems my minions tried to, how do you Equestrians say, ‘skim off the top right under my nose’. After cursing half of them, the other half confessed they planned on ruining our little deal by taking the money for themselves. That makes me angry. So I decided to let the ‘true’ members of my little ‘family’ handle this part. As for those shi you ran into on the street…I sent them to Pacesian Hell of Spray Bottles.”

Long took a few more steps forward, causing the three to gulp and recoil a bit more, before he lowered his head to their level.

“I’m still deciding on what Hell I’m going to send you two and your little ‘runner’ back there into. ‘Hot Coals’? ‘Flesh-Eating Flies’? ‘Reality Television’? ‘The 1980s’? So many to choose from… But first,” His head pulled back a bit, and his horn glowed again. Somewhere, a lever clicked.

When that happened, a whirring began to ring out, and an overhead conveyor with hooks moved. Sam, Carl, and Twilight looked up, and let out another gasp. Sam in particular went wide-eyed.

Dawn, tied up and gagged, was hanging from one of the hooks and slowly moving over to the very large deep fryer.

“I’m going to sit and watch as I place you at a table and force you to eat the deep-fried remains of your own girlfriend.” Long sneered. “Unless you give me the money right now.”

Sam swallowed. His heart was racing more than ever. Dawn struggled in her bonds and tried to cry out, but she also spotted Sam and struggled to move harder than ever. With that in mind, Sam looked down to Long.

“Uh…well…er…” He gulped. “…Let her go first, and we’ll give it to you.”

Long merely grinned and let out a chuckle. “‘Go’, my dear young stallion? At no point in any of our conversations do I recall ever saying I would let her go…or you for that matter. The only thing I promise is that I won’t force you to eat her. You’re still going to die. It’s not like I can afford to have you talking to the police… Don’t worry…the vat is more than hot enough for all of you.”

Sam and Carl both looked shocked. Their jaws hung loose for a moment.

“The clock is ticking, Equestrians.”

The blue stallion looked up to Dawn, who was panicking more than ever. Carl managed to give a look to Twilight, but she shook her head. Even if she used levitation, the other kirins would see it. Sam finally tried to look bold.

“If you don’t let her go right now, you’ll never get your money!”

“Well, as annoying as that might be,” Long responded. “At this point, you two have caused me so much grief that 100,000 bits might be a small price to pay just to watch you die. I’m worth 280 million easily, after all.”

“Er…well…” Carl began to interject. “I don’t know if the foo dogs told you, but the money is still on it’s way…”

Suddenly, half of the Pacesians aimed their horns at the three of them, making them all pale. They began to light up.

“That’s far too bad for you.” Long sneered. “I will ask you one final time to hand over the money, and then I’ll put a stop to this once and for all.”

Sam and Carl gulped. They looked again to Twilight, who winced. Her power wasn’t good enough to hit everyone at once, after all. They were in trouble…all while the conveyor brought Dawn closer and closer to the vat. It had already gone half the distance.

Suddenly, a voice broke in.

“No…I will ask you one last time to hand over the crate.”

Carl, Sam, and Twilight spun around in a flash…and were just in time to see numerous Solar Cycle employees move out. They literally seemed to “crawl out of the woodwork”, as the expression went, as they turned the corner, stepped out from behind engines and machines, opened doors to side chamber and exited…even had the flying ones descend from the ceiling. All of their eyes rippled green. Most of all, the large and no-longer-friendly form of Package Deal moved up right behind the three.

“I want what you took from me, worm.” He sneered at Long. “You can do it now…or you can do it after I’ve turned your brain into hummus.”

Long let out a snort in response. “So…finally decide to grow a spine, Package? You caused me more than enough trouble yourself, you know. I’m glad you’re here. This saves me the trouble of hiring a hitstallion to take care of you.”

Package Deal grinned malevolently and held the back of his hand to his mouth for a snicker. “Oh, I’m afraid our dim-witted mutual acquaintances seemed to have left you in the dark…”

There wasn’t much “ceremony” this time…simply Package Deal immediately igniting into green flame, and all of the other members doing much the same. As Sam, Carl, and Twilight watched, the latter couldn’t help but let out a small gasp as, one by one, the surrounding delivery ponies morphed into Changelings, followed, of course, by Chrysalis herself, standing head and shoulders over the three.

“Ready to beg for mercy for insulting me yet, you long-necked abomination?”

Long hissed in response. “Silly Equestrian weaklings may fear giant bugs…but true Pacesians do not. I shall enjoy miniaturizing you and then feeding you to my pet mantis.”

Chrysalis bared her sharp teeth. “The only creature in this room who gets to mate and then kill is ME. Now…” Her thin gaze pivoted low. “Who do I get to have for dessert?”

Before Twilight could look away, her eyes fell on her. Immediately, Chrysalis’ gaze enlarged in surprise.

“…I must be dreaming. The news reports were true? You two oats-for-brains earth ponies actually managed to catch Twilight Sparkle?” Her malicious grin grew twice as large. “Perfect… I’ve thought of devouring you for some time, ‘princess’… And this time…I’m only sensing a tiny bit of magic inside you. Not nearly enough to stop me and my minions…”

The Changelings took off into the air, beginning to fill the room with their buzzing as they zeroed in on their targets. The Pacesians, never showing any fear, took new aim…but still left some of their horns aimed at the three. Sam, Carl, and Twilight gulped, looking around for a moment…

But before anypony could do anything, another group leapt out. Abruptly, from behind the Changlings, Chrysalis, Long, and the Pacesians, a new mob went onto the field, wielding mostly hand weapons, bats, hasty clubs, and pipes, but looking every bit as fierce and wild as everypony else. It actually distracted both sides and made them look around…and what they spotted was a legion of foo dogs…including the one still walking stiffly.

“Not so fast, Cheddar Cheese Bitch!” That one shouted. “I want a piece of Long and then I want a piece of those sh’theads down there before I beat my money out of them!”

Chrysalis snarled, but Long snapped to him in rage. “Rex, you gutter-trash bastard! How dare you try and backstab me!”

“Screw you, Long! First you kill my older brother because those clowns screwed up the shipment, then whack half of my boys trying to get me! I always knew you couldn’t tell us apart!”

“If you’re not a kirin, you’re pretty much identical all over the world!” Long snapped back. “But no matter! You can join the rest of your gang…or maybe I’ll just send you to the Hell of Endless Baths!” He paused. “…Admittedly, that’s actually one of our Heavens, unless you’re canine-like…but you’ll still hate it!”

Chrysalis, at this point, smiled and chuckled darkly. “Oh-ho…it seems you’re slightly outnumbered, ‘Stretch Armstrong’. But don’t you worry…I’ll make sure to kill and feed off of them once I’ve devoured all I can off of you.”

Again, the people in the room began to tense up, making Sam, Carl, and Twilight more nervous than ever…especially since both Changelings and foo dogs alike were zeroing in on them along with everypony else. However, before things could explode…they had yet another visitor.

Several windows suddenly shattered, causing everypony to look around. As they did, they saw specially armed policeponies jump in through the windows, land on the catwalks, and aimed their horns or magic gauntlets at the ground below. More ran in from the upper floor entrances and exits, and soon began to fill out the area until everypony was surrounded. All three groups on the ground looked up and around as they took aim.

Sam, Carl, and Twilight were stunned momentarily, before they heard one set of hooves echoing on a metal catwalk. They turned and looked up…and were just in time to see Lt. Gum Shoe, a bit bruised and dirty, move out to overlook below.

The three soon sighed in relief.

“It’s Gum Shoe!” Sam called.

“Oh Celestia…I never thought I’d be so overjoyed to see that psycho!” Carl exclaimed.

Sam immediately waved frantically. “Lieutenant, there’s a mare being brought over to the deep fryer! You have to get her down fast!”

However, Gum Shoe didn’t even seem to notice the two of them. His look was aimed on Rex, Long, and Chrysalis. He stared silently for a moment, and then made his announcement.

“If you three want to kill each other, I don’t really care…so long as I get your city storage warehouse of drugs that I worked so hard to take.”

The three had their faces fall on hearing that. However, even the other groups looked puzzled to hear Gum Shoe state that.

“…What did he just say?” Carl echoed.

“Give me the drugs and I’ll walk, Long. Otherwise…you’ll all be as full of holes as the Changeling.” He snorted.

The kirin hissed. “…Gum Shoe…I might have known. Old saying in my country. You don’t stick to someone’s ass for so many years without starting to smell like crap.”

Twilight blinked and called up. “Gum Shoe…you’re crooked?!”

“…Sorry, princess…but it seems I’ll have to take care of you too.” The lieutenant responded darkly, not looking to Twilight but answering her just the same. “Can’t have any princesses trying to lock me up for a major law violation, can I? I’ve worked for over 30 years on this thankless beat, the same as the rest of these fine officers…being shot at, spit on, run off the road, and disrespected by all of the scum in this cesspool of a city. And when my pension ended up only being 15 grand a year…that’s not nearly enough. I figured our last big ‘hit’ would also set us up rather nice in contraband as a ‘bonus’. Half of that opium will give us enough interest to pad our retirement accounts nicely…while the other half will make sure we're doped up through the next century.”

Chrysalis hissed. “I’ve just about had enough of all of you imbeciles talking down to me…so I think I’ll just outright kill most of you and save the ‘juicy’ ones for later…”

“Equestrians are foolish and weak! Kirins will die before surrendering!” Long shouted.

“That’s fine by me, motherf***er!” Rex snapped. “Me and the rest of my boys will help you out with that!”

Everyone primed themselves to fight…but all of them were still aimed at the three as well as each other. Sam, Carl, and Twilight all gulped and looked around. If that wasn’t enough, Dawn was nearly to the rim of the deep fryer. The three leaned in closer and whispered.

“Where’s some Windegos when you need them…”

“Princess, you have to break the chain holding Dawn!”

“I can’t!” Twilight responded. “The moment I fire off a blast of magic, this whole place is going to light up like the night of the Grand Galloping Gala when everyone attacks! We still need to get ourselves behind cover!”

“I’ve got it!” Carl whispered. “Once I do this…free Dawn and then run for cover.”

Sam immediately whimpered. “Please, Carl…not another plan-”

It was too late. Suddenly, Carl leapt on top of the covered, frozen Celestia and pointed off in the distance.

“Everypony, look! A distraction!”

Immediately, everypony snapped on all sides to it. Twilight and Sam were stunned only for a moment, before Twilight snapped her horn up and fired off a pinkish beam from it, shooting with dead-aim straight for the chain suspending Dawn. It connected and immediately severed, instantly breaking her free and sending her falling to the ground. She cried out into the gag for a moment before reaching the edge of the deep fryer…and just scraped it. She fell the rest of the way…but luckily Sam was moving. He shot in her path and intercepted her on his back the moment he did so. Instantly, he snapped around and began to run back to the others.

As for Twilight and Carl, they too snapped around and began to push the frozen Celestia for cover. They had actually gotten out of the middle, before everypony else froze…then suddenly sweatdropped as they looked down and at each other and what they had just done. That was moments before they all exploded in rage.

“KILL THEM ALL!” Chrysalis bellowed.

“Suǒyǒu sǐwáng!” Long roared.

Everypony else gave war cries…before the entire warehouse erupted. Magic blasts flew everywhere. Changelings and foo dogs alike rushed at kirins, who snapped their own heads out like whips to send them flying. An explosive magic blast destroyed one catwalk while Changelings swarmed over policeponies on another to send them falling to their deaths to the tune of “Wilheim Screams”. A foo dog smashed open a steam vent and scalded his opposition with it, while another seized a Changeling in a backwards headlock and jabbed him repeatedly with a switchblade. Two officers tackled a kirin while one foo dog suddenly had his eyes flash green before seizing the neck of his “companion” and snapping it.

All the while, Carl and Twilight just managed to push Celestia behind one of the larger deep fryers, while Sam brought Dawn back and quickly carried her farther out of the way, before he immediately set her down and began to undo her gag. A Changeling suddenly flew in at the side of Twilight and Carl as they pushed, and Carl snapped to it in alarm. Twilight also noticed it, and quickly pointed her horn at it. “Avada kedavra!”

A blast of green energy later, and the Changeling went rigid before falling down dead.

Carl went wide-eyed and blinked a moment. “Did you just…?”

“Focus, Carl! Get Celestia behind cover!”

The green stallion hesitated, but then shook his head and, with a mighty shove, pushed Celestia behind and into cover…just as a policepony on fire, screaming in agony, staggered past to the tune of more sounds of bludgeonings and magic blasts. As soon as they were back, Twilight took her post with her horn aimed out defensively.

As for Sam, he finally managed to remove the gag. “Dawn! Are you alright?”

The mare was quivering all over. “…Sam…what is going on here?!” She exclaimed in shock. “What are you doing here with these ponies?! With the princess?! What have you been up to?!”

Sam swallowed as he began to chew through her ropes. “Er…it’s, um, complicated, Dawn…”

She gave him a glare. “Sam, I’ve been held hostage by Pacesian kirins for the past 24 hours who are way too fond of electric eels because I came here looking for you and what this was all about! You lied to me about that business trip and you nearly got me turned into the world’s largest tater tot because of it! You owe me an honest explanation!”

The blue stallion gulped. “Dawn…this really isn’t the best time…”

She only grew indignant. “Sam…either tell me what you were really up to right now or I’m calling the wedding off! I need to know if my dad was right to suspect you!”

Sam gaped in shock in response. “What?! You’re honestly going to tell me that after all we’ve been through? After all I’ve done for you? After how much I thought we trusted each other?!”

“You’re damn right!” She snapped back. “Because if you really believed that, you would have told me the truth before you went to do…whatever you got yourself and me involved in!”

“It’s nothing like that!”

“Then tell me what it is, Sam! Right now! Because we may not get out of this alive!”

Sam hesitated. He trembled all over, moistening his lips. Finally, he inhaled deeply, and then began to talk.

“Fine! It started that day I met your dad! The truth is the reason I got to your house early was…”

The situation continued to escalate in the factory. Both sides were “pulling out all the stops”. One foo dog charged through in a black trench coat and shades with dual magic gauntlets, blasting everything in sight. He did so with a stony expression before a kirin in a yellow jumpsuit with black stripes and a samurai sword dashed by and sliced him in half with one cut. She proceeded to go further and slice up several more opponents, spraying a bloodbath everywhere, before a trident abruptly shot through the air, pierced her in the back, and dropped her. The source was a pony who looked like a TV weatherman in glasses…who burst into green light before forming a Changeling, and snickered and flew off to cause more devilry.

As Lt. Gum Shoe and Rex got into a violent struggled and tumbled past the hiding place, another group of foo dogs near a line of vegetables on a conveyor being processed froze, and suddenly turned to face it. On spotting the princess, and Carl nearby, they immediately began to advance.

Twilight went wide-eyed only a moment, before her gaze narrowed and she aimed her horn again. “Bibidi-Bobidi-Boo!”

A shot of light streaked out and impacted a passing pumpkin on the conveyor right next to the foo dogs. Immediately, they froze and looked to it…just before it enlarged and put out vines that turned it into an elegant coach. The foo dogs blinked for a moment, clearly surprised and impressed at this…before the pumpkin’s “door” opened, revealing a cavernous, tooth-lined mouth, and it began to seize them with its “vine” wheels and devour them one after another.

After that, Twilight was beginning to pant and sweat. “I can’t keep shooting them forever! I’m going to run out!”

“Alright, here’s the plan…” Carl stated. “We hang low until they all kill each other…then we just walk out the front door!”

Suddenly, a rifle shot nearly took off the edge of one of Carl’s ears, making him duck in fright. As for Twilight, she looked to him with a frown.

“…Yeah, except the only thing they all have in common is they want all of us dead.” She stated. “We either need to get Celestia up, alert the Canterlot Royal Guard, or get out of here!”

Carl looked around a bit, swallowing. However, he didn’t look far before his eyes widened a bit, and he looked to Twilight and pointed. “Look! Over there! On the far wall! There’s a fire alarm! I pull that and this place will be swimming with firefighting pegasi and clean cops!”

Twilight looked over to it uneasily. “I don’t know…that’s pretty far…”

“Don’t worry…I always won at dodgeball!” Carl answered before springing up, looking around twice, and then taking off for it.

The purple alicorn could only grimace for a moment, before looking out and seeing more incoming. Immediately, her horn flashed. “Accio Bass Cannon!”

A moment later, a large woofer burst through the ceiling, landed in front of Twilight, and was immediately used to fire a massive beam to blow away a team of charging crooked cops.

“…And so we had to break the highway in order to make it here on time, and then we tried to pit the foo dogs and Chrysalis’ group against each other, but…well…” Sam let out a sigh as he bit through the last rope, freeing Dawn. After doing so, though, he kept his head hung low. “You saw how that ended up.”

Dawn, naturally, was rather wide eyed at all of this. “…That’s what you’ve been up to? Sam, you could have gotten yourself thrown in prison or killed at least a dozen times in the past three days!”

He swallowed and rubbed the back of his neck nervously in response.

“And for what? To pay for some stupid wedding? Sam, if all you could honestly have afforded was a 24 hour chapel in Las Pegasus, I would have taken it! We could have always had a proper ceremony later!”

Sam let out a groan. “…I just wanted to prove that I wasn’t the failure your dad always makes me out to be…that I could give you what you deserved…”

Dawn sighed. “Sam…my dad is crazy! I love him, but he’s a jerk! He’s been over-protective ever since I was a foal! He once punched out an ice cream pony because he called me a little sweetheart and broke a hoof of a colt in second grade who gave me a note for Hearts and Hooves Day! He tried to chase off all my old boyfriends and replace them with ponies he knew! And you know what? All of them were military, dirty, sex-crazed idiots! None of them are half as smart and sensitive as you! And not one of them ever listened to me whenever I talked to them! That’s what a mare wants…a stallion who listens to them!”

Sam blinked on hearing this, looking up a bit, having never realized that before. “…Really?”

“Of course!” Dawn responded, actually smiling a bit here. “And I’m sick of my dad telling me what I can and can’t do when I’m an adult! If he doesn’t approve of me marrying you…then I don’t really care! I’ll be the first to tell him he’s not invited! And frankly…it’s his loss!”

Sam hesitated a bit more, but slowly began to light up more and more. Gradually, a smile appeared on his face as well, and Dawn’s grew a bit bigger. At last, they both leaned forward and put their hooves around each other before nuzzling. After holding for a few moments, they parted again and looked at each other.

“I’m a lucky stallion.” Sam stated.

“And I…got something very valuable in exchange for having to deal with a certain pony’s crazy behavior and choices in friends.” Dawn snickered in response.

Sam snickered as well, and then looked up. “Anyway…this isn’t the place for this…let’s get out of here while we can…” After a moment, he looked to Twilight, and then turned to confusion on seeing she was there alone.

“Uh…princess? What happened to Carl?”

“He’s making a run for the fire alarms!” She shouted back. “If he pulls them, the fire department and real police will come running!”

Sam went wide-eyed. “What?! Is he insane?!”

“Relax! He told me that he always won at dodgeball!”

“Because he used me as a living shield!”

Twilight froze as well on hearing that, going wide eyed herself. “Oh boy…”

Carl, meanwhile, was nearly to alarm. As he darted forward, he suddenly halted, and quickly hid himself behind some machinery. A moment later, a foo dog with three Changelings all trying to suck out his emotions at once and clinging to him like rabid monkeys, staggered by yelling and screaming. Once he was gone, Carl popped out and ran forward again, closing in a bit more. However, he spotted something else and quickly hid again…just as a Changeling popped out on one side and a torn-up corrupt cop who managed to get ahold of a fire hose popped out of the other. The Changeling went wide-eyed as the cop aimed the hose at him, and then let out a torrential blast that made him vanish in the stream of water for a moment. The cop cut it off a moment later, revealing the Changeling groggy, stunned, and on the ground…before it twitched and spasmed and let two small black balls erupt out of its back and into the air…where they rapidly enlarged and grew into two new full-sized Changelings.

The cop groaned. “…You got to be kidding me! You things multiply with water?”

The only response was the three Changelings tackling him. With the way now clear again, Carl popped out and quickly ran up to the fire alarm. On reaching it, he paused only a moment to ready his hoof to smash forward, and then drove it up and crushed it into and through the glass, mashing the button on the other side that immediately set off an alarm. After that was done, he pumped his hoof in joy.

“Yes!”

However, that was before he saw a glowing coil of rope begin to slide around him.

“…That ain’t good…” He muttered…before it immediately swept around him several times and drew itself taut, actually making him gag a bit before it restrained him fully. That done, the rope spun him around once…to bring him face-to-face with the source.

A sore, beaten-up, and furious Nek Tuu Long glared at him.

“Thanks to you, Equestrian idiot, I’ve lost everything. My men, my associates, my profession…but, as they say in Equestria, if I’m going to go down…I’m taking you with me.”

Immediately, the kirin began to stomp to one side, dragging Carl along with him using the power of his magic yanking the rope, actually crushing more air out of Carl’s lungs as he did so. Soon, he reached a service ladder, and, after pausing a moment to kill a random Changeling nearby with a blast of magic, he began to climb it, dragging Carl up with him.

“I want to get a bit ‘higher’ for this…make sure your dim-witted friend sees this so I can deal with him as well…”

Naturally, in spite of the chaos that was taking place, Sam, Twilight, and Dawn were still close enough and with enough of a view to look over and see what had just happened. Sam’s own jaw dropped as he saw Long begin to take Carl up.

“Carl!”

“What is he trying to do with him?” Twilight asked aloud.

Sam looked at him for a moment, then looked up a bit. He saw the ladder went rather high into the air, before going to a catwalk, before going across near the ceiling of the factory, before reaching…

“The deep fryer!” Sam exclaimed. “He’s going to throw him inside!”

Another stray magic blast suddenly went out and nearly blasted Dawn, making her yelp and duck for cover again. Twilight immediately snapped around, seeing one of the kirins taking aim at the three with his horn. Immediately, she pointed her own at him.

“Klaatu Barata Niktu!”

A death beam erupted from her horn and blasted a hole through the center of the kirin’s chest large enough to fit a basketball through. The Pacesian only had a moment to look stunned, before his gaze slowly looked to his chest, he looked up again, and cursed once in his native language before falling down dead.

Twilight, on her part, was panting heavily. Her eyelids began to droop. “I’ve only got a few more spells in me…”

Sam, on his part, looked to where Carl went, before swallowing and beginning to get up. When that happened, Dawn reached out and grabbed one of his hooves, causing him to look back.

“Sam, don’t go! Stay here! The siren is going off! The police will be here any moment-”

“It might be too late by then! He’s going to kill him right now!”

Dawn didn’t change much. “Sam-”

“Dawn.” He cut off, more firmly. “Look…I know you never liked Carl, but he’s my friend and if it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t have been here right now. It’s like you said…your dad may be a d*ck and a jerk, but you still love him, right? Well…for all the crap Carl rambles about and gets into, he’s still my friend, and that means I can’t leave him hanging.”

The mare hesitated on hearing this, seeing a change come over Sam that she hadn’t seen before. As much as she liked him, she knew he normally let other ponies order him around. Now, however, he was looking strong and steadfast, as well as unshakable. On seeing that, she realized she wasn’t going to change him. Instead, she exhaled…and gave a nod. “Ok, Sam. But…don’t you dare get yourself killed.”

“Dawn.”

The mare suddenly turned, finding herself looking at Twilight. She had an earnestness about her. “What’s your special talent?”

She hesitated for a moment, not expecting the question, but then shrugged. “Well, I’m an RN.”

“So you know how to treat extreme cases of frostbite and hypothermia?”

Dawn was even more confused, but gave an uncertain nod. “Yes…”

Immediately, Twilight moved over to the cookie covering and tore up enough of it to reveal Celesita’s-still-mostly-encased-in-ice face, although it was melting rapidly by now. Dawn actually gasped in shock.

“Is…is that…?!”

“I need you to revive Princess Celestia in, say…” She looked around to see how the fight was progressing. “…Five minutes, tops.”

Dawn blinked in fear. She looked around, seeing all of the chaos, blood, and carnage happening all around her. Paling, she swallowed and shook her head. “No…no way! This isn’t an ICU or even an ER…this is a war zone!”

“You have to!” Twilight insisted. “You’re the only one here with enough medical experience to do it!”

“But…I don’t have any equipment and…and I’m…” She winced as another bullet went by. Finally, she swallowed and shouted. “I’m scared, ok?! I’ve never been more terrified in my life! I’ve already been threatened for an entire day to be killed by these ponies while I was blindfolded and tied to a chair!”

Twilight, however, stayed calm, and inhaled slowly before speaking smoothly and calmly.

“Dawn…it’s perfectly natural to be scared at a time like this. And no one can blame you for that. True courage isn’t about not being scared…it’s about being scared but knowing that you have to do something anyway, either for yourself or for somepony else. Sam has put his life on the line time and time again since I met him to try and save you. He’s been scared, hopeless, beaten, and bruised again and again during that time…but he never gave up because he knew somewhere you were sitting blindfolded, tied to a chair, scared out of your mind…yet also knowing that Sam was out there and he wasn’t going to let you down.”

Dawn’s fear slowly began to diminish as she heard Twilight speak. Slowly, her trembling ceased, and she leaned up more.

“Right now, there’s ponies that need you, Dawn. Sam needs you right now to help out here. In spite of how scared you are, can your love for Sam and your desire to help somepony else be stronger than your fear?”

The gold mare hesitated a bit longer. She looked to the ground and thought about what Twilight was telling her. She bit her lip uncertainly. Finally, she closed her eyes…and after a moment held them open with more determination. Immediately after, she got up and moved over to Celestia’s side, before getting to work uncovering her to see what she could do.

Sam looked to her for a moment, then back to Twilight. “…Thanks.”

The purple alicorn’s soft look instantly turned harder. “…You owe me big time for that inspirational speech, by the way. I was writing it for the next time Fluttershy had a panic attack.” She stated back to Sam, quiet enough to where Dawn couldn’t hear. “Now, as for Carl…I’ve got an idea…”

As the fight raged on, two foo dogs faced off against a kirin, both of them wielding crude clubs. However, they merely grunted and strained as they hopped up and down, struggling to swing for the kirin’s head but not coming anywhere close enough to hit it. As for the kirin, he kicked out without warning to one and blasted another one with his magic.

On another kirin, however, Changelings buzzed around the head like a swarm of flies, and he hissed as he swatted at them…doing absolutely nothing as his hooves didn’t even reach halfway to his chin, let alone the rest of his face. Growling in anger, he finally began to shoot them down with spells.

Meanwhile, another foo dog seized a crooked cop, gave a yell as he hoisted him over his head, and then tossed him. The policepony flailed and shouted as he flew through the air…before smashing right into the elongated neck of the kirin with the two foo dogs. He bounced off and fell to the floor…but as for the kirin, he immediately went rigid, letting out a harsh gagging sound. Grasping for his neck, he bent over and faltered to his knees, letting his head droop.

The foo dogs both blinked for a moment in surprise, before one of them suddenly snapped around and yelled. “Guys! Their throat! It’s their weakness! Punch them in the neck!”

Everyone, not just their “side”, heard that, and snapped to their opponents. Immediately, a pipe went out and clubbed another in the throat while a Changeling rammed another, and soon the kirin side began to collapse. Of course, that was only after they had dealt with most of others.

As this took place, the fight between Gum Shoe and Rex had somehow gotten on a conveyor, feeding right into a large machine that was processing the raw dough to make fortune cookies. However, the “dough-slicing” input mechanism resembled more of a cavernous mouth full of razor-sharp teeth. Both were still struggling as they came closer and closer to it.

Finally, however, Gum Shoe pushed down on his face and pried his jaw to one side, allowing him to roll on top of him and get the advantage. He grinned triumphantly.

“You aren’t cheating me out of my retirement, you Pacesian piece of sh’t! When you get to whatever Hell you end up in, you tell your older brother I always thought he was a jackass!”

“That does it!”

Gum Shoe, hearing this outburst, looked to the side…just in time to see a very irate donkey run up the conveyor belt, snap around, and give him a sharp kick in the jaw of such power that he was knocked clean off of Rex and flung into the waiting “jaws” of the machine. He barely had time to start shouting before a sound like a chainsaw into a roast went out, and flecks of red splashed up. Rex immediately shot up, looking surprised, before turning to the donkey, who fumed a moment before leaping off the conveyor.

“Only so much crap a donkey can take…”

As for Rex, he quickly rolled to one side to get off as well before he could get slipped into the machine.

Sam, panting, nervous, and swallowing, with Changelings and stray shots still shooting around, although having markedly decreased by now, finished climbing the same utility ladder that Long and Carl had gone up. He looked around, gulped again at the height, but then nervously stepped out onto the metal catwalk. After doing so, he began to tentatively walk forward along it.

“Carl!”

He heard nothing and saw nothing. Ahead of him, steam arose from the fryers and other machines, and various vats and large cooking devices could be seen inside from up here. But other than that, there was only the network of catwalks.

Swallowing a bit, Sam began to venture forward, quickly making for the vat that contained the master deep fryer. As he ran along, he winced at certain blasts of steam, ducked under and around loose pipes and conveyors, and continued to move on until the huge fryer came into view. He gulped a bit as he began to pass it, seeing the boiling oil below, and then looked forward again.

“Far enough, Equestrian.”

Instantly, the blue stallion froze as he heard the voice of Long in the distance. He looked forward, and saw a blast of wind move some of the steam out of the way, revealing a panicked-looking, tied-up Carl perched over the railing, with Long having one hand on him and ready to shove him inside. He glared hatefully at Sam, but managed to smile at the same time.

“Glad you were able to make it. I was hoping you would see this.” He hissed. “Now I get to kill you both, one after another, and you get the joy of watching your friend die first in the Pacesian Hell of Southern Fried.”

Carl continued to look nervous, but then blinked and looked to Long. “…Isn’t this just a really, really huge deep fryer?”

“It’s also the Hell of Southern Fried. Hells in Pacesian culture aren’t like ‘real hells’, just figures of expression for terrible tortures that kill you.” His head snapped down and smacked Carl’s painfully, making him wince. “Now shut up! I only wish I had time to coat you with Panko first…”

“Wait, stop! Please!” Sam shouted, holding out a hoof. “Let him go! I’m the one you want!”

“Dude, don’t be crazy!” Carl shouted back, able to do so in spite of sounding extremely fearful. “This was all my fault, remember? I’m the one who made us stop at that Speedy’s! If I hadn’t, none of this would have ever happened! We could have gotten the money, had your wedding, and things never would have gotten as far as this bloodbath!”

“No, Carl!” Sam immediately retorted, actually making his friend pause and blink. “This is my fault! It always was all my fault! I let that pencil-pushing d*ck just take my promotion from me and then I let Stonewall treat me as if I was nothing because I wasn’t one of his equicidal army buddies! All you tried to do was help me! And even when I thought something would go wrong, I didn’t say anything about it! I just went along with it…because I always just let other ponies decide things for me! Because I never want to go for anything!

“Not this time! I’m not letting you make that decision! I’m not going to lose my best friend in Equestria because I never have the guts to stand up for myself! Well I’m going to do it now!”

Immediately, he tightened up and glared at Long. “The whole reason you lost your money was because of me! And the reason your boys tried to scam you out of it was because I’m the one who made the deal with them! All Carl is guilty of is trying to think up ways to get you your cash back for two days! So if you want to kill anypony, then kill me! But I warn you…I am through just taking the crap of ponies like you who treat me like some meaningless stallion in the background of life to just push around! So if you want a fight, I’ll give you-”

Sam was cut off as Long, sighing with a bored tone and rolling his eyes, had his horn glow before telekinetically picking Sam up and throwing him over the edge. Sam’s speech cut off and his eyes widened in shock for a moment…before he landed with a loud “plop” right in the deep frying oil and vanished into the depths. A cloud of oily bubbles arose in his wake.

Carl’s green color nearly failed as his heart seemed to stop. The breath caught in his throat as he looked into the oil, seeing nothing other than boiling. His lip began to quiver, and it spread to the rest of his body. Just like that…his best friend…the one pony who would always sit down with him and a plate of cookies and listen to all of his ramblings…was gone.

“S…S…Sam…” He was barely able to exhale. Tears slowly began to fill his eyes as the realization came over him…

But before it could go any further, one of Long’s hooves suddenly seized Carl by the shoulder, and with a quick snap pulled him away from the railing. The green stallion, looking up more out of apoplectic shock than anything, found himself staring at Long’s face. But before it could give way to rage or anything else, the free hoof of Long went up, grabbed his face…touching an unseen zipper…and then yanked it down…causing either sides of Long’s “head” to fall away and reveal…

Carl blinked in shock. “…Sam?”

Sure enough, the blue stallion was on the other side, smiling as he quickly began to undo the rest of the “Long” suit. “I’m alright, Carl! See?”

Carl didn’t change. He looked over the edge again, seeing the oil boiling still where “Sam” had landed, and then looked back up to Sam as he continued to remove “Long” as if he was a costume.

“But…how…what…he…?” He shook his head. “If you’re here, Sam…who the hell just went into the deep fryer?”

“Nek Tuu Long.” Sam calmly explained as he pulled his hooves out of the “legs”. “The princess cast an illusion spell on me before I came up here. He was throwing himself into the deep fryer the whole time!”

Sam continued to grin as he pulled the last of himself out and kicked the costume away. Carl, however, looked like he just had a stroke, before quivering a bit…and exploding.

“That doesn’t make any sense at all, Sam! That’s like the most ridiculous, inexplicable thing that’s ever happened to us in our accumulated 50 plus years of living in Equestria! How did…?! Where did…?! When…?! He was…!” Carl was so confused he couldn’t even find where to begin.

Sam merely motioned onward. “Come on, dude! We aren’t out of this yet! We’ve still got to get out of this warehouse with Dawn and the princesses!”

He immediately took off back down the catwalk. Carl stared hopelessly at him for a moment, then whined as he began to follow.

“This makes even less sense than how the Powerpuff Girls killed that zombie magician…”

Down below, things were getting both better and worse. The “open fighting” was almost done. Whoever was still alive on any side was moving into the shadows and relying more on “stealth” tactics to try and finish off the remainder. There were still a few fights going on that were visible, but it wasn’t going to last much longer. In addition, it looked as if the kirins had almost been eliminated. Because of that, it seemed as if the foo dogs and crooked cops that were still standing were pulling out. That meant the Changelings were starting to get the advantage…

Twilight was still near Dawn and Celestia, with Dawn still treating Celestia. By now, she had removed most of the ice by placing her closer to one of the warmer boilers, and was struggling to actually revive her at this point. Twilight, however, was clearly on her last legs. One of the last kirins suddenly snaked his head around, and spotted her. He nearly attacked, but the alicorn was faster.

“Azrath Metrion Zinthos!”

Immediately, Twilight ignited in a black aura before a magically-generated raven erupted from her and began to peck at the eyes of the kirin, causing him to cry out and run out into the open…where a swarm of Changelings landed on him and went to town. However, Twilight nearly collapsed, panting hard.

“That’s it… I’ve got nothing left…”

Even as she said this, however, a sound of hooves running up behind her became audible. She weakly turned, as did Dawn, and they saw Sam and Carl running up to them.

“Sam! You’re alright!” The mare immediately exclaimed. “And you got Carl back!”

Sam panted a bit from his run and then nodded. “What’s the situation?”

“I’m dry…” Twilight groaned. “Right now, I’m feeling too weak to even try and fly…”

“The police will be here at any moment…” Carl stated. “They have to be…”

Twilight shook her head. “I’m not sure we can last that long. They’re starting to sneak around looking for groups like ours to finish off…” She swallowed, and then looked to Dawn and Celestia. Afterward, she looked back to the others.

“I don’t know if Dawn will be able to revive Celestia in time…so there’s only one thing left to do. The three of us have to create a diversion to lead everypony away from here and after us.”

Carl groaned uneasily. Sam looked rather afraid as well, but seeing as this was Dawn as well as their goddess involved, he finally gave a nod. “Alright.”

The green stallion held a bit longer, but then nodded as well. “I guess we got no choice…”

Twilight managed to force herself to stand. “Alright everypony…at the count of three we run for the doors. That way, if the police arrive, they’ll be right there to save us…I hope.”

Sam and Carl both gulped and readied themselves to go. Twilight exhaled again, and then counted.

“One…two…three!”

Immediately, the three ponies were off like the crack of a whip and charging out into the open. A few shots went out after them, but only one or two. Shooting, after all, gave away positions to others in the room, and soon the shooters were being ambushed. Another fight or two went out along the way, but nothing tried to stop the trio as they went right back the way they came, straight for the front.

However, they only made it to the first turn and snapped around, before all of them let out squeals with their hooves as they froze.

“No way!” Sam gasped in terror.

“How could he have survived that?!” Carl shouted. “What the Hell is he made of?!”

Standing right in the middle of the corridor, bloody, bruised, and wounded with burns and stabs in multiple places, yet nevertheless still standing and formidable…was Atlas. His red and yellow eyes were still burning, and he limped slightly as he came forward, but other than that he looked still more than capable of killing. In fact, for the first time, he actually looked enraged as he glared at the three. Even Twilight didn’t seem to be spared his wrath. He continued to advance even as the two shouted out, but they couldn’t run for it. Even if they could go back the way they came, Atlas seemed to pin them under a paralyzing gaze.

“Never before…have I had so much trouble…finding and eliminating two fugitives…” Atlas snorted like the voice of doom. “For the first time ever…I will feel tremendous satisfaction…killing my victims… And since the new princess has gone insane helping them…I’ll just have to put her out of her misery too…”

Sam and Carl swallowed and shrank back. After a moment, Sam looked to Twilight.

“Er…you sure your dry?”

“Positive…unfortunately…”

“Sam, me and Twilight have been coming up with most of the solutions today… Maybe you should think of one to even things out?”

“Like what? Get stuck between his teeth?”

Yet as Atlas continued to advance…a green shape suddenly sank down to the ground behind him. Immediately, Atlas froze, and then turned around and looked behind him. He moved slightly to the side when he did, allowing the others to see as well. It wasn’t a very welcome sight, however.

Chrysalis glared at the Augean Pony. “I’m afraid I can’t let you do that. I still need to avenge myself on all three of them. I would stand side now.”

Atlas glared a moment, before fully turning to face Chrysalis. He raised himself up, put his hooves together and began to crack them, and twisted his neck.

“I’ve waited years for this. The ‘Scourge of Canterlot’…the deadliest threat it ever faced. The one who took down Princess Celestia herself. The Queen of the Changelings. I hoped and prayed for a worthy challenge, something that could actually make me feel ‘alive’ again after years of killing weaklings and fools. Now I finally have my chance. Come, Changeling Queen…let us join the dance of-”

Atlas was cut off by now. Chrysalis, who was looking progressively more and more bored, suddenly launched forward, slammed Atlas to the ground, pinned him under her hooves, and then opened her mouth wide and began to inhale with a sound like the cold, empty vacuum of death itself. Instantly, Atlas’ entire body formed glowing mist before it began to rapidly be drawn inside Chrysalis’ body. He struggled only a moment before going limp…and then his body rapidly eroded. The muscles shrank. The skin constricted. The face hollowed out. The noise he made turned into a silent rasp, and then nothing.

Finally, it was done, and Chrysalis, wings snapping once, began to rise from the remains of Atlas…nothing more than a desiccated set of mummified pony remains now. As she came to full height, she stomped on his dried out skull…turning it into dust, and glared at Sam, Carl, and Twilight.

“I…didn’t know she could do that…” Sam murmured.

“Yeah…the only reason she didn’t do that to my brother right away is she wanted him to keep producing love for her to feed on…” Twilight muttered, looking fearful as well.

Chrysalis produced a long tongue to lick her lips before glaring hatefully at the three of them and advancing. As she did, the air filled with the sounds of more Changelings…as they began to surround them like a swarm. It seemed clear now they had been the “victors”, with only a dent made in their overall numbers. The three tried to back up further, but were soon halted as Changelings moved in behind them.

“Alright…here’s how this is going work…” Chrysalis sneered. She looked to Carl. “First, I’m going to devour every last emotion you have in that body of yours and leave you a brainless, mindless, heartless, soulless, dried-out husk of a pony…” She paused. “…And then I’m going to kill you. Then…” She snapped to Sam, who gulped. “I’m going to leave you a soulless, dried-out husk of a pony and then I’m going to kill you.” Finally, she glared at Twilight with murder in her eyes.

“And then…I am going to put you in such agonizing, inconceivable, hellish, ungodly, Lovecraftian, Jigsaw-eseque levels of pain for ruining my plans twice now that it is NOT. EVEN. FUNNY…” Another pause. “…before I leave you a soulless, dried-out husk of a pony and then I’m going to kill you.”

The three trembled for a moment as Chrysalis’ shadow began to fall over them, when suddenly Carl looked up in confusion.

“Wait…did she say ‘twice’? I thought she only tried to conquer Equestria once?”

Twilight looked to him. “This fanfic is treating the comic universe as canon.”

“Ah.”

Carl looked away…before looking more confused and snapping back.

“…What do you mean ‘comic’? Or ‘fanfic’, for that matter?”

Twilight’s only response was to roll her eyes and sigh, before she reached behind her, pulled out a pair of sunglasses, put them over her own eyes…and then had the tip of her horn let out a blinding flash. Both Sam and Carl recoiled on seeing that, letting out exclamations of pain while Twilight removed the sunglasses and put them away. Sam and Carl shook their heads…and still found a murderous-looking Chrysalis glaring at them.

Both swallowed, but Sam tried to talk. There was little else he could do, after all. “Um…Ms….er…Queen Chrysalis, ma’am? You…you don’t really have to do all that…”

“Yeah!” Carl interjected. “Can’t you, like, just turn us into Changelings instead?”

Sam gave him an angry glare. “…Dude, I don’t want that either.”

However, on hearing this, Chrysalis suddenly froze. Soon, she let out a massive groan as she facehooved.

“For the love of… You buy into that rumor about how ponies I put in green cocoons slowly turn into Changelings too, don’t you? What do you think this is…some Ridley Scott science fiction film?!”

Both Sam and Carl looked at her a moment, before the latter gave a shrug. “Well, if you don’t…then why-”

“I do it to keep victims in one spot long enough to eat them! Isn’t that obvious?!”

Carl still looked puzzled. “Then how do you reproduce? Other than that water thing I saw earlier, of course.”

Twilight abruptly calmed down and looked to Carl in response. “She’s a Changeling. She lays eggs like other insects.”

Sam listened in on this, and then looked Chrysalis over. He soon formed a puzzled expression. “I…don’t really see any…you know…”

Twilight soon raised her head and went into “book mode”. “Not at this time of year. Ever spring, sometime around mid-April, she’ll develop an ovipositor and a swollen abdomen before laying approximately 3,000 eggs in the span of two weeks, before she reabsorbs it and shifts to tending the first clutch of young until they can develop into workers. That’s done close to the end of May.”

Carl gave a realizing nod. “Oh…” He paused, then suddenly lit up. “Oh! So it’s not like a Ridley Scott movie…it’s more like a James Camer-”

Chrysalis’ hooves suddenly stomped down with sufficient force to fracture the floor, causing Sam, Carl, and Twilight to snap back to her in terror.

“Shut up…just…SHUT UP! ALL OF YOU! NOW!”

The three stared silently back for a moment, realizing this was it. Even as they did, Chrysalis’ gaze shifted to her first victim…Carl. Her teeth seemed to extend. “Maybe death will finally stop your incessant blathering…”

Carl gulped and recoiled a bit more. Sam almost made a move to step in front of him, but what good would that do? It would only delay Carl’s death slightly and push his own forward… They were surrounded. Even if they could somehow beat Chrysalis, the Changelings would finish the job…

Yet as Sam was thinking of this…he suddenly felt an erupt of a brilliant, warm glow behind him…like a ray of the sun. On feeling this, he immediately snapped around. So did Carl, Twilight, and the Changelings. As they looked back deeper in the factory, they saw something else coming around the corner.

Gleaming radiantly like the sun, wings fully unfurled, and finally alert and awake once again, came Princess Celestia, her tiara gleaming too brightly to look at, her white horn gleaming, and focusing a dark look on that of the Changelings. Staying behind her was Dawn, looking out a bit nervously from behind her wings.

Twilight immediately lit up for joy. “Princess Celestia is awake! We’re saved!”

Sam and Carl stared back at the alicorn goddess for a moment, then to Twilight when she made that statement…before both simply bowed their heads and shook them glumly.

Chrysalis, on her part, let out a booming laugh. “Ha! Is that supposed to scare me? After I struck her down so easily last time? Especially now that I’ve been feeding on the fear and anger of so many over the past ten minutes? True, love would be more ‘nutritious’…but this is a joke!” She grinned at Celestia. “Well, if it’s another beating you want, princess, then I’ll be happy to-”

As Chrysalis was still talking, Celestia’s eyes had been glowing progressively brighter and brighter…until, at this point, they were gleaming like rays of the sun, and emitting a burning noise. Abruptly, in a flash of power…the entire warehouse was filled with brilliant light before “ribbons” of sunlight streamed from her eyes, branched, and snaked out to tag the entire first “line” of Changelings, instantly blasting through them with such burning light that they seemed to be turned into living Jack-O-Lanterns before their insides were burned away into ash, and the beams ripped out of them, branched more, and hit the second line, before erupting through them and hitting the third line…and so on and so forth. The whole process happened instantaneously over the course of less than a second, before the beams cut off…and the burnt out remains of the Changelings collapsed to the ground, smoldering and smoking.

Chrysalis alone was left, and had gone rather wide-eyed. She nearly stammered. “How…how did you…UGH!”

Chrysalis was cut off again…and Sam, Carl, and Twilight all leapt back in shock due to Celestia suddenly being right in front of the Changeling queen…her horn, still glowing like the sun, lodged through the Changeling’s chest and erupting out of her back. Chrysalis could only stammer and gape for a moment, before Celestia, look still grim, withdrew her horn. Instantly, she collapsed.

Chrysalis’ green blood was instantly evaporated off of the horn, and as Celestia calmly rose, she folded her wings and killed the glow, before looking around to Sam, Carl, and Twilight. “…Are you alright, my little ponies?”

Sam and Carl had been reduced to sculptures frozen in open-mouthed shock. Twilight was far more casual and smiled back. “You saved us just in the nick of time, princess. But…” She looked a bit concerned. “Did you have to kill all of them?”

Celestia shook her head sadly. “Changeling drones are like bees…unable to survive apart from the will of their queen. Imprisoning them would have been a slow death sentence. As for Chrysalis…not to worry. My horn is as accurate as a surgeon’s scalpel. I didn’t hit anything vital. She still needs to answer for her crimes in a proper tribunal.” She looked up to Sam and Carl afterward. She soon blinked.

“…Are you two feeling alright?”

Sam and Carl remained frozen for a moment longer. Finally, they began to blink, and movement slowly returned to them. Finally, Carl was the one who bellowed.

“What the flying f*** was that we just saw?!”

Sam shook his head. “Er…what my friend meant to say, your worship…I mean, your goddessness…er…your highness, was: ‘What the flying f*** was that we just saw, madame?’”

Celestia looked a bit puzzled. “…Are you two surprised that I was able to defeat them so simply?” She only looked more confused. “Well, that’s only natural. They weren’t exactly ‘dangerous’ opponents to an alicorn who can move the sun.”

That only stunned Sam and Carl more.

“But…she beat you with one move before…”

Celestia sighed. “If you’re referring to the ‘Canterlot Wedding’ incident, I not only had contracted food poisoning at the rehearsal dinner the night before, but Luna had drank too much and I spent most of the night first making sure she made it home, then staying up to make sure she didn’t stop breathing after I put her to bed…which is why she barely made it in time for the reception and missed the ceremony entirely. She was far too hung over. So, naturally, I wasn’t quite ‘at my best’ for that fight. Frankly, I barely even knew the ceremony was going on and had to struggle just to make coherent sentences…”

Sam and Carl blinked.

“…Did you think I was simply ‘past my prime’ or unable?” Celestia asked.

“Didn’t…didn’t you not help at all with the Crystal Kingdom?”

The alicorn goddess sighed. “As I told Twilight, Luna and I had other things to attend to…namely stopping a Balrog that a group of diamond dogs had inadvertently unearthed while digging too greedily and too deep for gems from leveling South Equestria. I can’t be everywhere.”

The two were silent a moment.

“…What about with Nightmare Moon?”

Celestia frowned slightly. “Well, I could have handled my sister…but then I would have had to ignore the planet-devouring moon-sized malevolent entity appearing in the night sky on the opposite side of the planet, wouldn’t I? On that note…” She let out a sigh as she looked to the purple alicorn. “Twilight…as I was the individual who originally cast the spell on Luna to be sealed in the moon for 1,000 years, did you really think I had ‘stopped counting’ at one point and forgotten that she would be released soon? I was crossing the ocean when Spike’s letter reached me and I had to stopover on a snake-infested island in order to write you back. And, to be honest, I had to write a few drafts before I calmed down enough to at least be ‘polite’.” Her horn glowed, making a message pop open out of thin air in front of Twilight. “That was my ‘rough copy’.”

The princess looked it over. “Dear Twilight…get to Ponyville, befriend whoever is running the committees for that Summer Solstice thing and the excitable pink one (you’ll know her when you see her), start hiking through Everfree Forest and look for some stone globes (don’t freak out when they shatter the first time), point them at Nightmare Moon if she shows up, and lay off the letters for one day. Signed, Princess Celestia. P.S. Please only come to my office to ask questions during regularly scheduled office hours and stop brushing off your classmate with cancer when she asks you to help ‘Race for the Cure’.”

Twilight blinked a bit herself when she looked up. “That…would have saved some trouble…”

“I’ve told you a thousand times, Twilight Sparkle…I don’t teach in a ‘cookbook’ method. Part of the lesson is figuring out what to do on your own.”

“…What about that deal with the world on the other side of the mirror?” Carl finally asked.

“I had a cold.”

Both Sam and Carl paused and looked confused. “…That doesn’t seem like much of an excuse.”

Celestia’s gaze narrowed. “…Bringing an innocuous virus from our world into a completely new one with hosts who hadn’t evolved with it would most likely have caused a global pandemic that would have resulted in worldwide genocide of whoever was there.”

The ponies grimaced a bit. “Er…good point.”

The alicorn goddess sighed, even as the sounds of sirens began to drift in through the broken windows. “If that’s all your questions, let’s get out of here.”

She began to lead the way, as Dawn finally broke and ran up to Sam. He continued to blink for a moment, but then relaxed as she came up and gave him a hug. After a moment more, he shook his head a bit and returned it. Forgetting about Celestia, he smiled at her instead, focusing on how they had come through this alright.

“You did it, Dawn…”

“Heh…considering all you’ve been through, it wasn’t much. Glad I was able to help out a bit…”

They parted a moment later, and, standing side by side and smiling now, followed after Celestia. Twilight, on her part, let out a sigh as she walked after them, looking to Carl as she did.

“Well, all’s well that ends well. Let’s clear things up with the police, Carl…and get out of here.” She grimaced as she looked forward. “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to eat Pacesian food again after this…”

Carl, on his part, blinked and continued to think over what he had just seen. Only after a long pause did he actually follow the others out, but continued to mutter and ramble to himself.

Outside the front of the building, the Canterlot Royal Guard and whatever policeponies had managed to arrive and/or weren’t needing medical attention had readily fanned out in front of the building. A few firefighting pegasi with rain clouds were there too, but they were being held back on seeing no fire, only hearing the sounds of battle that had died down by now. At the moment, most of them were taking aim at the open doors of the facility and aiming their weapons at it. However, as one of the policeponies moved to make an ultimatum…suddenly a flash of white was seen in the entrance…and, soon after, the form of the sun alicorn goddess emerging.

On seeing that, the officer exclaimed instead. “Princess Celestia!”

“It’s her!”

“She’s alright!”

Immediately, murmuring went through the crowd on all sides, both the guards, police, and firefighters. On seeing her emerging, a moment later the orders were given to lower the weapons and go at ease. As for Celestia, she continued to step out…and, soon after, the others began to exit one after another behind her.

“Everypony…it’s alright. The danger is over. There are some criminals inside who need to be detained and may need medical attention…among them the Changeling Queen Chrysalis…but other than that everything is fine.”

One of the Royal Guards pointed out. “But…princess, that’s the pony who kidnapped Princess Twilight Sparkle!” He called as he pointed out to Sam.

However, Twilight herself exited a moment later, causing more surprise. On her part, she merely smiled and quickly went up to the side of the princess.

“Sorry for worrying everypony! Here I am! Safe and sound! …More or less.”

This only caused more reactions from the police.

“Didn’t those two ponies kidnap you?”

Twilight hesitated, growing a bit nervous. “Well…kind of…but it was all a big misunderstanding and they just needed my help with something. Everything’s taken care of now.”

The police and guards alike stared a moment, still not changing.

“…If you were just helping them out, why didn’t you send a message so we could have called off the search?”

“Or not wasted the ponypower?”

“Or avoided getting into that large and painful accident on the highway?”

Twilight looked progressively more nervous as they brought these points to mind. After a bit, however, she swallowed and gave a shrug. “Er…um…I had my reasons?”

Unified frowns and grumbling resulted. A few shook their heads. Others threw down their weapons in irritation. One audibly muttered. “I put in 30 hours of overtime and nearly get my head taken off by a wagon wheel…she knew all about this the whole time and doesn’t say one word because she has ‘her reasons’…sh’t…”

Twilight looked rather uncomfortable, before Celestia leaned down and whispered in her ear.

“Now you know what it feels like. Wait until they start calling you ‘Trolllight’ behind your back.”

That only made Twilight look more uncomfortable, before Celestia raised her head up again.

“Everypony…I’m sorry for all of the trouble that was caused you, but Princess Twilight Sparkle is correct in that she was involved in a very dangerous plan in which both ponies' lives were at stake as well as the future of Equestria. And if it wasn’t for her actions, together with that of three very brave and upstanding earth ponies, I am not certain what fate would have befallen me or the rest of Equestria. On that note, I want to publicly thank…”

She turned her head slightly. “Sam Listens-to-Carl’s-Problems…”

Looking a bit flattered, the blue stallion gazed around a bit, before snickering, raising a hoof, and giving a wave before moving forward a bit more.

“Dawn Charger…”

The gold mare blushed slightly, but waved her hoof as well as she came forward.

“And last but not least, In-”

Celestia abruptly froze in surprise. The police and guards looked up to the entrance, and then reacted again and raised their weapons once more. On seeing this, Sam, Dawn, and Twilight reacted too, before turning around to see what was shocking everypony and then exclaimed as well.

As for Carl, who was walking out of the entrance, preoccupied with his thoughts, he suddenly stopped and looked up in puzzlement. “…What’s the matter?”

“Carl! Look next to you!” Twilight exclaimed.

Carl paused again, and then looked to his side…to see another Carl staring right at him. They both boredly looked away for a moment…before their eyelids shot open and they snapped to each other. Immediately, they pointed a hoof at one another.

“You must be one of those Changelings that got away!” They said at the same time. Immediately, they both frowned. “No I’m not, you are!” They sneered. “You are not doing that stupid old routine of repeating everything I say!” Pause. “Stop it!” Frown. “Cut it out!” Both growled. “Incarlsistency is a major chode! Incarlsistency wets his bed! Incarlsistency throws up when he’s kissed!” Both paused, and then looked sad and slumped back. “Well, now you’re just making me feel bad, dude…” They both said at once.

“Shoot the Changeling!” One of the police officers shouted.

“…Which one’s the Changeling?” Another officer answered.

Sam looked a moment, and then turned to Twilight. Before he could open his mouth, she shook her head. “Don’t bother. There isn’t a spell that lets you tell easily.”

Both Carls looked to Sam. “Can’t you tell it’s me, Sam?” They snapped to each other. “Stay out of this, you liar! Oh, here we go again, mimicking everything I say again! A sphincter says what! What? Exactly! Ha! Got you!” They both grinned in satisfaction and looked away from each other before saying at the same time: “Yeah, I still got it…”

Dawn turned to blue stallion. “Sam…can you tell?”

He shook his head. “No…but that’s ok. I know how.”

Suddenly, he stepped forward a bit. Not into the range of the weapons, but enough to where he stood before everypony else. Both Carls looked to him. He exhaled.

“Alright, Carls…I’m going to ask you two a few questions only the real Carl would get right. First question…what’s your favorite kind of donut?”

“Chocolate cake!” The one on the left stated immediately.

“Ha!” The other one answered. “It’s the cream-filled, chocolate covered kind!”

“What? No way! The chocolate cake ones fresh from the fryer with that cold icing on it that’s just right?”

“…Well, true…but you know how I love that flaky exterior filled with that rich cream that comes out of one side when you bite it wrong, so you got to bite it just right so it goes into your mouth.”

“Yeah…good point…but the chocolate cake is all of the flavor with none of the mess.”

“I hear you, but…the cream-filled is twice the flavor for less calories.”

“Hmm…”

Both paused, and then looked to Sam together. “Can we change our answers?”

Sam grimaced and facehooved. After a sigh, he spoke again. “Next question…when’s my birthday?”

“March 17th!”

“September 21st!”

The blue stallion groaned. “You both got it wrong! Damnit, Carl! I have your birthday written down in my planner!”

“Hey, so long as I give you money, who cares when you get it?” They both stated together.

Sam sighed again, and looked up once more. “Alright…last question, and this one will answer it for sure.” He took in a deep breath, causing everypony to look more intently at him and the two Carls. They themselves looked more intently at Sam, determined to answer the question right. Finally, he spoke.

“What is your last name?”

“I don’t have a last name!” The one on the left immediately answered.

“I don’t have a last name…” The right one added, before getting a puzzled look. “But…isn’t that kind of weird? I mean, think about our names, Sam. We’re all named after catchy nouns, more or less. I mean, none of us have particularly unusual names… So you’d think there’s got to be ponies somewhere in Equestria who have the same names as we do in most cases. Especially if there’s a couple billion of us… We kind of need last names just to keep everyone in order. I mean…you just told me the other day about how many ‘Chuck Wagons’ you’ve got living in one town alone…”

Sam, at this point, was rolling his eyes as he looked to the police. While the Carl on the right kept going, he pointed to the other Carl. “Ok, kill the one on the left.”

“…Are you sure that’s the one you don’t want to keep around?” Dawn asked after a moment.

Sam hesitated for a moment, looked back to the two Carls…held for a long time…and then gave a nod. “Positive.”

Immediately, the police officers and guards opened fire, blasting the Carl on the left full of holes and making him spasm and shift numerous times before he abruptly morphed back into an insectoid creature, who collapsed to the ground dead. The real Carl hadn’t even noticed. He was still muttering over the latest inconsistency.

As for Sam, he looked back to Dawn with a sigh. “Let’s head back to Ponyville. I think I’ve had enough of the ‘big city’ to last a lifetime…and I really need to get back to looking for work in my hometown so I can at least make the down payment on a chapel, a cake, and a nice dress.”

“Actually, Sam…”

The blue stallion turned and looked up and over to who had spoken, and soon saw Princess Celestia approaching him with a soft smile.

“I was thinking that, perhaps, since you helped me and you’re friends with my former faithful student, I could show my ‘appreciation’ for you, Carl, and Dawn a bit more strongly. If there is any request you three have, please do not hesitate to present it.”

Sam hesitated for a moment on hearing that. After a moment, however, he turned his lip and looked up to the sky.

“Well…I’m sure Dawn and Carl would like to have their own requests, but I’m pretty good on my end. Although…” He thought for a moment. “Perhaps there’s one thing…”

To be concluded...

Author's Note

"Filthy's Club" is a knockoff of "Sam's Club", naturally, that I'm treating like an exclusive version of "Rich's Barnyard Bargains" using Filthy Rich's less-popular name.

Long said: "Death to all!" in a Chinese dialect. I'm not sure if it was Mandarin or Cantonesian.

The constant references to "Pacesian Hells" is a knock off of "Big Trouble in Little China".

Celestia's "death move" is the same as what the Ark of the Covenant does if you look at it when it's open in "Raiders of the Lost Ark".

Epilogue - Two Background Ponies Introduce Themselves to the Mane Six

A couple days later, and everything was “back to normal”.

Sam, Carl, Dawn, and Twilight were all back in Ponyville, and more than happy to leave Manehattan behind, shaking the dust off of their hooves in the process. To have a minor “welcoming home” party for everypony…not to mention the fact that ponies typically never turn down an excuse to celebrate…Twilight herself hosted a get-together at Sugarcube Corner for everypony involved as well as whatever family and friends wished to come. Naturally, Dawn and Twilight ended up filling up most of the “roster”, but that was alright. Sam and Carl were just glad to be back.

The party was a big success. The decorations were bright and uplifting, the music was nice, Twilight’s own friends were keeping things lively and interesting, and Sam and Carl were simply enjoying being home, miles and miles away from any oral syringes, Pacesian mob members, small-scaled delivery companies, 24 hour bakeries, and sharks.

Carl, at the moment, was seated at one of the tables and “trying a milkshake for the first time”. It was freshly made from Sugarcube Corner itself, and he slowly tasted it and sampled it a bit after every sip. As he did so, Sam came over, grunting and straining a bit. Carl looked to him as he came.

“Hey Sam, you know these ‘milkshake’ things come in chocolate?”

Sam’s response was to set down a massive plate of assorted cookies on the table, causing it to shudder a bit and strain under the massive weight. Carl went a bit wide-eyed.

“Whoa…”

“Yup…the Cake’s latest creation. ‘The Diabetic Coma’. It’s actually illegal on the West Coast of Equestria. I figured now was a good time to test it out.”

“Awesome.” Carl said with a smile. “Well, don’t just stand there, sit down and let’s dig in!”

Sam looked around a bit, and seemed to spot something. “In just a minute, Carl…I need to talk to somepony first. But…” He gave Carl a pat. “Don’t eat too much. Don’t want you sugar crashing before you go back to work tomorrow.”

Carl did a take, and then looked up to Sam. “…Back to work?”

“That’s the favor I asked Celestia for, dude. She visited the horseshoe plant and explained how you were high strung from the whole tainted shakes thing, that you were clean now, and talked the supervisor into giving you another shot. Just make sure to leave it at the door next time, alright?”

The green stallion is stunned. “Dude…you still need to pay for that wedding. Why didn’t you ask her to help you get your job back?”

Sam gave a shrug. “It’ll be alright. Besides…I’m to the point in my life where I should stand up for myself in things like this rather than try to rely on somepony else to ‘fix it’. I think that’s what the princess kept trying to tell me. Anyway…I’ll be right back.”

The blue stallion turned and walked off. Carl looked after him a moment, both touched by what his friend did as well as a bit regretful. In the end, he turned back and grimaced a bit.

“Man…now I wish I had used my own favor to get Sam’s job back…”

He hesitated, but then shrugged with a sigh.

“Well, might as well use it now that I’ve got it...” He looked up a bit and called out. “Hey, No-Neck!”

A few moments later, the destructive, sadistic foal nephew of Carl ran up to him with a smartaleck look.

“What the hell do you want, butthead?”

Carl only stared at him a moment…before lifting up a rubber-gloved hoof from under the table, carrying a mass of electric eels, and jabbed No-Neck in the chest so hard that a sound of crackling voltage went through the air before he was snapped back by the force and thrown across the room into a wall. Carl smiled softly as he lowered the eels and turned to sip his shake again.

“Just giving you your ‘souvenir’ from Manehattan…”

The reason Sam had broken off so readily from Carl was because the stallion he was looking for had arrived. When he had raised his head, he saw the stern and dark-looking Stonewall Charger enter the store. However, Sam felt only the slightest bit of anxiety on seeing him…nothing like before. Compared to all of the threats that he had been dealing with, this was nothing. Immediately, he rose to go to Dawn’s side, who was standing in the middle of the room and greeting the arrivals as they came. Stonewall himself spotted Dawn and began to go up to her as well.

Sam managed to reach Dawn first, however, who was already looking nervous at her father approaching. The blue stallion remained calm and faced him, though, as he darkly marched up to the both of them. He fixed an icy gaze on Sam.

“Listens-to-Carl’s-Problems…what the hell is the matter with you?” He snapped. “What have you been doing over the past few days? What in Celestia’s name did you put my daughter through?”

Sam, remaining calm and controlled, began to raise a hoof. “Mr. Charger…”

“After everything you’ve pulled over the last few days, if you think for one second that I’m about to let my daughter anywhere near-”

“Mr. Charger.” Sam stated with surprising force.

It was enough to actually make the former Canterlot Royal Guard pause in surprise. Sam, however, soon calmed and continued.

“First of all, I believe your daughter is one of the loveliest, finest, most intelligent, and respectable young mares in all of Equestria. So even if you’re her father…if you think at this point you still need to make decisions for her and tell her who she can and can’t interact with...frankly, I think you’re insulting her.

“Second…you may not agree with me or tolerate me or think I’m much of anything. And it’s true that I may not be as strong as the ponies you know, or as intelligent, or as wealthy. But the fact of the matter is I relocated to a big city, moved into a firetrap condominium, took a shady overnight job that sent me to the worst parts of town, ran for my life from a gang ambush, got smacked around by corrupt cops, had my nether-regions electrocuted, was given a three hour torturous deep tissue massage, collaborated on a royal kidnapping, was hunted by an invincible, monolithic Equestria ponyhunter specialist, nearly got devoured on multiple occasions by Changelings, went into the biggest high-speed wagon chase in Manehattan history, and was nearly bludgeoned, stabbed, shot, ‘ornamented’, and dropped into a deep fryer the size of an Equestria Games swimming pool…and all for your daughter because I love her more than anything else in the world. I doubt many of 'your friends' would have done the same.

“In the eyes of Dawn, that makes me the perfect match for her…and, really, that’s the only pony’s opinion I truly care for on the subject. In short…Dawn and I would love to have your blessing and to see you at the upcoming wedding and have you over for holidays and our first foal and everything else. But if you refuse to grant it…then I’m afraid we’ll just have to ask you not to come to the wedding, because it’s going to happen either way, no matter how many threats you make and how many of your ‘old buddies’ you call up.”

Stonewall was actually reduced to silence for a moment. He showed anger, to be sure…but he also saw that Sam didn’t seem to care. He merely stared back. Stonewall looked to Dawn, but she was much the same, if not more indignant, because she had enough of Stonewall telling her how to live her life.

“…You really think I control you?”

“Yes, dad.” Dawn answered. “And that means that even if you think I’m brave, Sam’s braver…because he had the courage to say that to your face.”

Stonewall hesitated a bit longer, then looked back to Sam. His anger abated a bit, and finally he spoke.

“You know I could snap your neck just like that, right?”

“Yes sir.”

“…And yet you just said that all to me knowing this, without hesitating or even so much as a quiver in your voice.”

“Yes sir.”

Stonewall hesitated a bit more, but finally exhaled.

“You must have more brass in your balls than I gave you credit for, Sam.” He finally admitted. “Next spring…I’ll be the first to welcome you into the family.”

Dawn lit up. Sam smiled a bit himself. “Thank you, sir.”

“Just remember…you ever mistreat my daughter, you’re dead.”

“Fair enough. I’ll deserve it if that happens.”

Giving one more nod to Sam, Stonewall looked to Dawn one more time, and managed a small smile of his own.

“You know how to pick them, Dawn.” He said softly, then exhaled. “I’ll be at the counter. I’m going to get a Hard Shirley Temple.” Turning, he walked over to one side.

Sam and Dawn were left standing in the midst of the party, and looked to one another. Dawn smiled at him before leaning in and kissing his cheek. “You did great back there.”

The blue stallion gave a shrug. “Yeah…except I forgot to mention about how I still can’t pay for the wedding and I’m still unemployed.”

“Well, don’t worry about the wedding.” Dawn reassured with a pat. “You remember how Princess Celestia agreed to grant a request for us?”

Sam looked up a bit at that and turned back to Dawn in surprise. She snickered in response. “Looks like we’ll get our ‘fairy tale’ wedding in Canterlot after all. Not in the palace, of course, just one of the chapels that has a nice view of the countryside.”

The blue stallion remained stunned for a moment, but as Dawn leaned in and gave him another kiss, his shock gradually gave way to a smile. After it was done, however, he gave another shrug. “Well…now I really need to look for a better job to live up to that.”

“Actually…I kind of ‘took care’ of that too.”

Sam’s look turned to puzzlement again. But before he could look to Dawn, a paw suddenly tapped him on the shoulder. He spun around to look, and nearly yelped in fear.

Rex, in a nice suit, sunglasses, and lots of “bling” was currently grinning at him. On seeing his reaction, however, he quickly held up his paws in a stopping gesture.

“Hey there, Sam. It’s alright. Be cool. I’m not here to beat the sh’t out of you or anything.”

Dawn, on her part, stayed calm throughout, but Sam was so focused on Rex he didn’t notice. Slowly, he calmed down and straightened again, before nervously nodding. “That’s…good to know.” He looked him over a bit. “You…look like you’re doing…well?”

Rex grinned wider. “Hell yeah, I am. Thanks to all that sh’t you caused back in Manehattan, Long got whacked along with his extended family, meaning I got to take over the business. Now I’m pulling in more bits a day than I know what to do with. Who cares if the doctors said my o-ring was irreversibly burn damaged? Now I got a prosthetic one made of 24k solid gold!” He began to turn around. “Want to check it?”

Now both Sam and Dawn grimaced a bit. “Uh, no, we’re good!” The blue stallion immediately answered while holding up his hooves in a stopping gesture, getting him to cease. “We’ll take your word for it.”

Rex turned back around and began to reach into his suitcoat. “Anyway, I only came by to say thank you and give you this. You ever come back to Manehattan, I’ll hook you two up.” He soon removed an envelope, and passed it to Sam. The blue stallion blinked for a moment in confusion, but then accepted it.

“Later, you two.” Rex said before turning and walking back out the entrance.

As for Sam, he continued to stare in puzzlement at the letter, before looking to Dawn, who smiled back and gestured for him to open it. He hesitated, but then ripped open the envelope with his teeth, got out what was inside, and held it in front of him.

“…This is a copy of a letter…sent to upper management of my old company…” Sam stated. He read over it for a moment, and went a bit wide-eyed. “…It’s Pencil Pusher’s letter of resignation…and he’s telling them to rehire me back to take his spot as supervisor?! No way! This has to be forgery!” He quickly looked at the bottom. “But that’s his signature and his hoofprint!”

Dawn grinned and put her hooves around his neck. “Congratulations, Mr. Supervisor!”

Sam continued to blink and look it over. “How the…when did… What could have made him do that?”

“Well, who cares, so long as you have your job back plus that promotion?”

The blue stallion looked a bit more, then paused. He blinked a few times and stared more closely at the letter.

“Dawn…do these little red flecks look like ink…or blood?”

Silence.

“...Dawn?”

He turned to Dawn in response, who was now looking at the ceiling and trying to appear innocent. Sam stared a bit longer before he began to realize the truth. He looked back to the door, but Rex was already gone, and he looked back to Dawn, who gave him a shrug.

“…Daddy’s not the only one who knows how to ‘call in somepony’.” She answered. “Besides, the shi only roughed him up a bit. It’s not like they killed him.”

Dawn gave Sam another kiss. He was unresponsive at first, and looked back to the letter. However, after a moment, he simply gave a shrug and put it away. After all, in the grand scheme of things of what had happened over the past few days, what was one more jerk getting a well-earned beating?

When Sam walked back over to Carl, he had started on a few of the cookies. Sam soon slumped down into a chair himself and began to help himself to some as well. Carl grinned at him as he did so.

“Dude, I think this may be the first time ever I’m further ahead on the cookies than you are.”

Sam let out a snicker as he loaded up. “Well…first time for everything, eh, Carl?”

“Yeah.”

After loading up, Sam ate his first one, and then looked back to Carl. The green stallion, in response, kept eating his own cookies for a bit. After a time, he noticed Sam looking at him, and turned to him.

“Something wrong?”

“Just waiting for you to start one of your rants again.”

“Heh…I think I’m still a bit dry after that trip.”

“You know…for years I thought it would be a nice change of pace. Now I think I miss the noise.”

“Well…” Carl leaned up a bit and put his cookie down. “This isn’t so much of a ‘rant’ as just pointing out that the one thing I learned from this experience that’s sticking with me is how much I love this town. For everything that’s annoying about it, from the loss of my favorite restaurants to waitresses getting my orders wrong to my sister-in-law nagging me daily…which she still does, by the way…it’s still a great life. Maybe we’re pretty lucky to never have much happen to us. Because when crap does happen…it really ends up sucking.”

“Can’t argue there.” Sam snickered in response. “But what I got is-”

“Sam? Carl?”

Both ponies looked up and behind them. As they did, they saw Princess Twilight Sparkle approaching them, but she was bringing others behind her. Immediately, the two rose from their seats and faced her and her group. Soon, Twilight stopped before them with a bit of a sheepish smile.

“I…really thought about what we talked about on that park bench…and I decided to do something about it. Sam…Carl…” She stepped to one side. “This is Applejack…”

“Howdy.”

“Rainbow Dash…”

“Hey there.”

“Rarity…”

“Hello, dears.”

“Fluttershy…”

“Um…hello…”

“And Pinkie Pie.”

“Hihihihi!”

“Girls…this is Incarlsistency and Sam Listens-to-Carl’s-Problems…or Carl and Sam.”

Both stallions raised their hooves slightly. “Hey.”

“Hey there.”

Twilight looked back to Sam and Carl afterward. “I was telling the girls about how maybe we should stop and say hi from time to time, as you two seem to notice a lot of things out of the ordinary more easily than any of us do…and that it’s important to keep your eyes open to notice other ponies every once in a while. On that note…”

Suddenly, the small dragon from earlier stepped out from behind Twilight. Both Sam and Carl looked to him. However, he started by walking out and over to Carl and giving him a sharp kick in the shin.

“Ow!” Carl yelped as he winced.

“That’s for kidnapping Twilight and yelling at me, you big bully!” He snapped at him. Afterward, he looked to Twilight while Carl muttered curses at him, and produced a scroll and a quill. “Sorry…I had to get that out of my system.”

Twilight winced a bit, but then looked to Sam. “I overheard you just now talking about what you learned from all this…so, how about, since you’re now my friends too, I let you take a crack at handling my letter to Princess Celestia?”

Sam blinked in surprise. He looked to Carl, who was still in pain, but likewise stunned. He looked back a moment later, and swallowed. “Er…well, alright… I learned today that…”

“Um, you have to tell Spike ‘Dear Princess Celestia’ first. He never remembers it unless you do.”

“Oh…uh…” Sam shrugged. “Dear Princess Celestia…” He paused for a moment, gathering his thoughts. He looked to Carl for a moment afterward…and then smiled. More confidently, he continued.

“I learned that just because you may find somepony annoying or troublesome or occasionally irritating, it doesn’t mean that this pony isn’t also the best friend you could possibly ask for. Faults aside, a true friend brings out the best in you, is always at your side through thick and thin, and always comes through for you in the end. Nopony could ask for anything more out of the best stallion in the world.”

Carl seemed to forget his pain and smiled a bit more himself. “And I learned that when you’re a pony who spends all of his time trying to find secret details and nuances about things…the biggest thing you should never make sure to overlook is all the times your best friend has been there for you, has paid attention to you, and put everything on the line for you. Because none of the other crap matters if you forget the most important thing of all.”

The dragon grimaced a bit. “…You mind if I change ‘crap’ to ‘poo’? I’ll get yelled at if I put profanity in a letter to the princess…”

The green stallion grimaced. “Whatever…”

“Your faithful subjects,” Sam spoke up. “Sam Listens-to-Carl’s-Problems.”

“And Incarlsistency.” Carl added. “…P.S. What you did to the Changelings was badass.”

Everyone gave Carl a look.

He shrugged. “It was.”

Twilight grimaced. “I…usually say things like that in person…and without profanity…”

“What is this, a ‘Y’-rated TV show?!” Carl snapped. He sighed. “Fine, leave it out.”

The dragon finished writing, rolled up the scroll, and gave it a blast of green flame to send it on its way. After that, everyone’s mood brightened again.

“Well, it’s finally all over, Carl.” Sam stated with a smile after a moment. He looked to him. “…Unless, of course, you can think of something we forgot.”

“I’m still ‘readjusting’, but…I don’t think so…” Carl answered as he looked to the ceiling. “Although, for some reason, I keep thinking of fortune cookies…”

Several hundred miles away, in Fillydelphia, a family of ponies who had just finished their meal at a Pacesian restaurant, were each handed a fortune cookie from a freshly-opened box. Each one gave a nod of appreciation, accepted their cookies, broke them open, and looked inside.

They all formed looks of grotesque revulsion and horror before screaming.

The End

Author's Note

And with that, for anyone who was reading this...I don't think anyone is at this point...the story is over, and Sam and Carl get their final sendoff unless Season Four brings up a whole load of new inconsistencies. Thanks for joining the two on their wild and crazy journey.

In the end, the story wasn't quite as "wacky" as I had hoped. A script format probably would have been easier, but I try to stick with narrative. I also made the cardinal sin of making the OCs main characters while show characters were involved in the same plot, although I tried to push them more in the limelight as possible. So...won't be too surprised if this ends up my most hated story.