Trevor Philips goes to Equestria

by Doctor_Brony1234

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Other, Adventure, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Dark, Human, Main 6, Princess Luna, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1185

Our loveable cannibal/meth-addicted/psychopath goes to Equestria. Awesomeness ensues.

Trevor Philips. Owner of Trevor Philips Industries, meth addict, cannibal, and psychopath is (SPOILER ALERT) brought back from the dead in Equestria, as himself.

Will he get angry? Will he go on a rampage because he is Canadian? Will he take a dump behind Sugarcube Corner? We'll see...

WARNING! Contains Blood and Gore, Violence (a lot of it), Drug Use, Alcohol Use, and Trevor's potty mouth.

Published 2013-09-30 06:10:05 UTC
Last updated 2013-09-30 06:10:05 UTC

Chapter 1: Tripping Balls

In the Whitetail Woods, not far from Ponyville, Equestria, laid a five foot eleven, white skinned creature, with balding hair atop its head, wearing a worn out white t-shirt, faded jeans and steeltoe boots, and had scratches and scars on its face. This creature, was Trevor Philips, a human who eats other humans, a meth addict, and loves violence. He stirred, the leaves crunching under his being. His eyes opened, and, for no reason, started to scream.

"JESUS CHRIST BUTTFUCKING GOD! I'M ON FIRE!" He yelled at the top of his lungs, rolling and squirming on the ground like a madman. "AHHHHHHHHHH! I'M... Not on fire?" He said, looking around him. He saw trees. A lo of them. They stretched out as far as the eye can see, the see of green and brown not disappearing from sight.

He looked some more, still in a sitting position. 'I'm not in Sandy Shores, obviously. Not in Paleto Bay, or anywhere that I know. Wait...' He closed his eyes and tried to remember the events from before: he was fucking a whore behind the Vanilla Unicorn, drank two beers, got wasted, Franklin called and asked to meet him, got chased by Frank, crashed into a gas truck, Michael was there as well, Frank shot the gas, he was burned to a crisp.

"No way..." He muttered. "I'm dead? Now THAT," he raised his voice a bit, "is a mindfuck." He commented as he got up, cracking his sore joints and bones.

The middle aged man checked his belongings: one cellphone, one combat knife in his boot, an automatic pistol with several mags, and a wallet with four dollars. 'Better than no money at all.' He thought as he put his wallet back in his pocket, while pulling out the AP tucked behind his jeans. He inspected the rapid-firing pistol, its desert paint, extended magazine, flashlight and suppressor. He checked a large pocket on his thigh to see how much clips he has.

"Let's see..." He mumbled how many mags he counted, eyes looking wildly while counting. "Twenty-four mags? That seems good enough... For now." He grumbled as he picked a random direction and walked where ever his feet took him, oblivious of where he is.
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Rainbow Dash was flying at breakneck speeds, a rainbow trail behind her. Her rainbow-coloured mane waved as the wind blew threw it, the feeling almost orgasmic. A loud yell snapped her out of her flying, looking to where it originated. She made out words, which was garbled, and maybe a curse word. She flew to the sound, wondering who was shouting and if they were in danger.

She searched on the treetops, looking for any signs of activity.

"Maybe they're not a pegasus." She mused as she flew closer to the ground. She not only found what caused the loud shout, but maybe even a new species. It was tall, furless, excluding the balding hair atop its head, wore dirty clothes, thing on its... Bottom claws? Whatever, they were covered in something. It looked around before walking in a random direction. But it was no random direction. It was heading to the main trail that lead towards Ponyville.

What should I do? She thought as it continued to walk.

"Maybe I'll talk to it." She whispered to herself. She walked to the being, still walking its path. "Hey!" She yelled, causing Trevor to turn around. Rainbow didn't know what to say now. She was about to say something until it spoke.

"Wow, I'm so fucking high. Talking horses! Ha! Now that is something." It's voice sounded masculine, a mild northern accent to it. It sounded like it was from Equestria, with a slight northern accent. He turned around and started to walk again, chuckling.

"Hey! I'm talking to you!" Dash shouted catching his attention once more.

"What? Me? You're talking? To me? Why? Is it because I'm different? Crazy? Psychotic? Or I'm not a talking horse?" He asked, somewhat annoyed.

"Um... Yeah?" Dash said, puzzled at his unusual behaviour.

"Oh. Okay. I guess I will... Start walking. This way. Over here. As fucking far as possible. Away from you're colourfulness. Ya damn rainbow." Trevor mocked as he continued on his merry way.

"What did you say to me?" Dash interrogated, getting into a fight stance. "What the hell did you say to me?!" She roared, angry from his petty insult.

"Whoa, holy Christ eating his mother's cunt, don't pop a blood vessel." He mocked once again, snickering as well.

"That's it, fucker! I'm going to KILL you!" She growled as she sped towards Trevor at the speed of a fighter jet. He was (somehow) not ready for this and was tackled. Dash pinned him against the ground, stomping and bucking him hard. She quickly sped upwards and slammed into his chest, ribs cracking and him grunting in pain. She delivered a punch to him, hitting him square in the stomach. Dash panted hard. She had taken her anger out on this prick that insulted her.

As she was about to leave, the rough sounding voice of her fallen adversary called out to her.

"Hey, why didn't you finish the job, huh?" He inquired, hacking and wheezing after. "I thought you wanted me dead, Gay Pride." He said in a mocking tone, weakly laughing afterwards.

Dash turned around to face him and to tell him off before he slid a knife towards her hooves.

"Pick it up."

Dash stared at the large knife, eyes tracing the blade.

"Pick it up." Trevor said with more force. "FUCKING PICK IT UP!!!" He shouted at her, with her complying to his demand. "Cut my throat." It demanded, Dash shakily putting the blade against the dotted line across his neck. "Come on, do it." He said softly. "Come on... I know how much you want this." Sweat poured down Rainbow's face, shaking even more.

"FUCKING DO IT!!" He roared, scaring Dash more than anything. She closed her eyes and forced herself to cut his throat. She couldn't do it. She just couldn't. "What? You chicken? Are you a pussy? Huh, pussy? Come on, you twat, FINISH ME!" Trevor demanded, while Dash started to cry. "DON'T CRY, YOU FUCKING BITCH! FINISH ME!!!" He shouted once more. "DO I--"

"SHUT UP!" Dash weeped as she bucked him in the head, knocking him out. She cried, tears pouring down her cyan he cheeks, staining her fur. As she wept, an idea came into mind. Maybe Twi knows about this thing. But I have to hurry. The idea had premise to it, but she was worried if he was going to berate her friends. She took the chance and set him on her back, and galloped all the way to Ponyville, worried if he was going to wake up while on the way.

"What have I gotten myself into?" She whispered to herself.

Author's Note

New story!!! Enjoy! If it gets good ratings, I will continue this story, along with Far Cry: Retribution! (Sorry if I hadn't updated it yet, schools a bitch.)