Blood, tears and bowling!

by The_Swedish_Horror

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random
Length: 4081

The ponies have decided to go bowling in celebration of Rainbow's birthday. From there things go rapidly out of hoof...

Oh, what joy it is to have a friendly game of bowling with one's friends… Sadly this turns not out to be the case in this story. For this is the infamous story of quite possibly the worst bowling game in the entire history of Equestria… A game that will end in many tears and (temporarily) ruined friendships.

How could an innocent game of bowling turn into such preposterous violence?

I would like to warn my readers that this story may be a bit insane slightly eccentric… in terms of logic. And brutal.

(After writing this story, I almost feel bad for the poor ponies in general and some ponies in particular…) Anyway, enjoy!

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-10-02 13:40:02 UTC

The bowling disaster.

It was a nice midsummer's evening in the magical land of Equestria and Twilight and her friends were at the Ponyville Bowling alley to celebrate Rainbow Dash's birthday. And what would be a better way to celebrate it in than a nice game of bowling?

Now they were all sitting at a table where a cake with a number of candles on it had been placed in front of Rainbow Dash. All ponies had little party hats on their heads to signify the joyous nature of this event.

"This will be so awesome!" Dash said as she rubbed her hooves together. "So you think you're good at bowling, huh? I bet I'll win, because I'm amazing at this game... But I sure hope you can give me a run for my money. Any of you girls think you can beat me?"

"Well, I have never actually bowled before... But I have read a book about bowling and I think I have a few tricks up my sleeve," said Twilight with a little chukle.

"He he he... I can't wait to see this..." Rainbow said as she prepared to blow out all the candles. "I wonder what I shall wish for? An awesome pony like myself has everything she'll need already..."

"Ha, Ah bet you're gonna wish for luck, cause you'll gonna need it," Applejack said and tapped her hat. "Ah'm an expert bowler."

"You? Applejack? Allow me to laugh! Bwahahaha!" Rainbow said and put the cake spatula down. "Ha! You couldn't even hit your own barn from the inside!"

"Oh, yeah? We'll see who's laughing after this game is finished!"

"Yeah, we'll see me laughing!"

"Girls, remember that this game is only for fun! There is no need to make it into a competition," said Twilight.

"Did anypony say competition?!" Dash exclaimed, her eyes sparkling with excitement. "The cake can wait! Let's do this now!"

"Okay, since it's your birthday, Dash, we'll do as you please..."

"But the cake... I was getting hungry!" said Pinkie Pie with a frown and her forelegs crossed in protest.

But Rainbow Dash didn't want to wait! She was so eager to play that she almost jumped up and down, had she not thought it was too uncool for her to do so. Soon all the ponies had assembled in front of the bowling lane with little shoes on their hooves.

"All right, girls, in a minute or so our names will come up on the ponitor..." explained Twilight.

"Um... what's a ponitor?" asked Fluttershy.

"A ponitor is a small television screen where our names will show up in the order we will play. It is made from magical crystals and it determines who will get to start and it also keeps score. It is not to be confused with the ESS Ponitor, Equestria's first ironclad warship with a rotating turret. The ship was armed with two party cannons that fired confetti and streamers..."

"Oh, that's a ponitor..."

"Please Twilight, do tell us more about this fascinating warship of yours..." Rarity said and rolled her eyes.

"Well, about a hundred years ago there was a..."

"Oh, look! Fluttershy's first!"

Very, very carefully Fluttershy selected the smallest bowling ball that she could find and stuck her hoof in it. It was almost too small for her, but she wasn't exactly the strongest pony around. But even this ball was almost too heavy for her, she thought. Fluttershy aimed for the bowling pins and released the ball, careful not to drop it.

It rolled a few meters and stopped just before hitting the pins. Zero points.

"Oh, my..."

"Pppffff..." Rainbow Dash giggled, covering her mouth with a hoof.

"Rainbow, she did the best she could," said Pinkie.

"Bwahahahaha!"

Next up on the ponitor was Twilight's name. The unicorn grabbed a bright red ball and jammed her horn right into it.

"Sugarcube, that's not how you're supposed to..." Applejack began.

But the unicorn didn't listen. With an impressive display of strength Twilight lifted the bowling ball over her head and tilted her body backwards to gather momentum. But the ball was heavier than she had anticipated and she lost her balance, planted her plot on the floor and dropped the ball! With a loud BAM it hit the wooden boards, leaving an ugly mark in the varnished planks.

A few visitors turned their heads towards at her, obviously not very pleased with her behaviour.

"You're not allowed cause to damage the lanes! It you do that again, I will have to ask you to leave!" a staff member said.

"Oh... right. I'm sorry..."

Rainbow Dash now roared with laughter, rolling around on the floor with tears in her eyes.

"Hahahaha... This is priceless... I think this will be... the... best birthday ever!"

When it was Applejack's turn she hit the ball with a well aimed buck and sent it rolling straight into the pins, knocking down every last one of them! Strike!

"And that's how it's done," she said with a big smile.

"Pff! You just got lucky this time... Prepare to have your hopes dashed! This will be easy-peasy," said Rainbow.

Then the blue pegasus carefully aimed her ball, flexed her wings and rolled it away. It was indeed perfectly aimed and with just the right amount of force... But she had a stroke of bad luck and it rolled straight into the gutter! Rainbow Dash couldn't believe it! ZERO POINTS!

"What?! Did you see that!? That would have made a strike, at least!" she cried.

"Ha ha, better luck next time, Sugarcube..."

But Dash's bad luck continued. Applejack scored yet another strike while Rainbow's ball ended up in the gutter again!

"WHAT?!" she cried, almost trembling with frustration. "I can't believe it! Why am I suddenly stuck with all the bad luck in the world?!"

"Well, maybe, you could practice away your bad luck..." Applejack suggested.

"AAArrrggghhHHH!!!"

Fluttershy gently put her hoof on Rainbow's shoulder.

"Um... Rainbow Dash? We don't have to play bowling if you don't like it... We could play darts instead, if you want to? There is a dartboard in the restaurant next to the bowling lanes. I'm not very good at bowling either..."

That comment made Rainbow Dash pound her hooves against the floorboards in rage. Her face turned red like a tomato.

"NEVER EVER!! I'M STILL THE BEST!!!! I'M GOOD AT BOWLING!!!! I CAN STILL WIN THIS!!!!" she screamed.

"Oh... s-sorry... I... I didn't mean to..." Fluttershy stuttered and shied away, looking down into the floor. Her lip started to tremble a little.

"Rainbow Dash! Behave yourself!" Twilight said in a sharp tone. "Fluttershy was only trying to be nice to you!"

"Grrrrr..."

"Oh, this is rich!" said Rarity with a glimmer of excitement in her eyes. "Please, Twilight, don't spoil the fun! I really, really want to see how this ends..."

The next time it was her turn, Rainbow Dash grabbed the heaviest ball she could find and locked her gaze upon the pins at the end of the lane. She really, really must score a strike this time! She desperately wanted to win and now she was so furious that she almost blew steam from her nostrils! Dash gritted her teeth and took a firm stand against the floor. She focused. Slowly she lifted the ball and took aim. She swung it around to gather full force...

"Um..."

...and hit Fluttershy, who she didn't see was standing behind her, right on the snout!

"Ow!"

And then the ball gracefully landed right in the gutter.

"Oh dear! Fluttershy! I didn't meant to hurt you!" Dash cried as she turned around to attend the knocked out pegasus on the floor. She had a nosebleed and looked slightly concussed.

"Oh... I... I think I'll need to sit down and rest for a while..." said Fluttershy as Rarity and Pinkie Pie led her away to the table.

"I'm so sorry... I didn't meant to hurt her. I really didn't," said Rainbow Dash.

But the bowling game raged on! Twilight, of all ponies, managed to score a strike. But it didn't really count as a strike because she was still attached to the bowling ball when it hit the pins... The unicorn was almost mangled by the gears in the pit but somehow managed to teleport herself to safety at the last moment.

"Ouch ouch ouch..." she whimpered as she limped away. Her knees and elbows had nasty grazers from being dragged along the lane. "I don't want to play anymore..."

When it was Pinkie's turn, she barely aimed and carelessly threw the ball away just for fun. Pinkie didn't play to win and didn't care how many pins she would knock down.

"Wiiiieee!!!" she cried as the ball bounced away in a ridiculous manner that bowling balls weren't supposed to do.

But as a miracle the ball managed to bounce against the side of the gutter, roll back and knock down all pins in a way that made Rainbow Dash's jaw drop.

"What... A strike?! Did Pinkie just score a strike?!" she gasped.

"I did?! YES!!! YES! A strike!" Pinkie squealed and jumped high up in the air with joy!

But she shouldn't have done that, for she was standing right beneath the ceiling fan! The fan caught hold of her fluffy, pink mane and swung her around like a ragdoll! With a high-pitched shriek Pinkie was sent flying through the air like a missile before crashing through the kitchen doors and slamming into a counter. The force of the impact made a block of knives and meat cleavers fall over and land on the floor all around her. Then a big, plastic ketchup dispenser ruptured and drenched everything in its red content.

Although she wasn't hurt apart from a few bruises, Pinkie was so shocked by these horrific implications that her mane deflated and she immediately burst into tears.

"WaaaahhHHH!!! It's not fair! This is not fun at aaaall!"

The chef, a moustached griffon, scratched his feathers in bewilderment trying his best to understand why suddenly a crying pony in a puddle of ketchup was visiting his kitchen.

"Please pony, don't cry! I'll do anything, just don't cry! Here, take one of yesterday's cupcakes..."

And Pinkie cried even more.

Now there were only three ponies left playing; Rainbow Dash, Applejack and Rarity. The latter didn't actually play to win; she was far more interested in enjoying Rainbow Dash's frustration in the same manner as one would enjoy a fine chianti, or perhaps a cabernet sauvignon. She giggled with joy as Rainbow Dash and Applejack struggled in rage.

"What's so funny, Rarity?!" Dash snapped at her.

"Heh... he he... Oh, nothing, dear... pfffth...."

"I will win this game, if so is the LAST THING I DO!"

"From... from what we have seen so far, it might very well be... pffftth!"

Almost crying with rage, Rainbow Dash spinned her bowling ball around, and around and around, having completely lost control her temper.

"Gggrrr....rrrrraaaarrggHHHhhhh..." she grumbled in an unarticulated growl of anger. "Now... you... stupid...bucking... BLASTED thing!!!!"

Then she of course dropped the ball at the exact right moment to send it flying backwards and crashing down on the table at full speed like a cannonball fired from a howitzer! The sudden force of several kilos transformed the whole table into a catapult and sent the cake flying through the air!

In what almost seemed like slow-motion, Pinkie cried a "NOOOOOOO..." just before the cake disintegrated against Rarity's face and spread itself evenly all over the floor around her.

Then there was silence. In the middle of this scene stood Rarity, completely covered in the sad remnants of Rainbow Dash's birthday cake. She stood like she was glued to the floor, paralyzed with equal amounts of anger and shock. Her mane and coat were barely visible under all of the whipped cream and filling that moments ago had been a delicious cake. Now Rarity looked more like a cake herself, or a melting snowmare. A few smoking candles still adorned the now very un-amused unicorn. Only her eyes moved in a rolling motion.

The silence was breached by Applejack's gleeful voice.

"Aaaand that was your last turn, Dash! Look, just as Ah expected... Ah win! Well, Ah guess you should try them darts instead, Rainbow Dash..." said Applejack as she turned around and walked away towards the table with a triumphant smile on her face. "You aren't cut out for this sorta thing..."

Rainbow Dash's face turned almost purple with rage! Swift like a lightning she spread her wings and took off.

"THAT'S IT! I'LL GIVE YOU A GAME OF DARTS! I HATE LOSING! AND YOU PROBABLY CHEATED!" she screamed in a fit of uncontrollable rage and grabbed a dart from the dartboard in the restaurant. She then flung it in Applejack's general direction, not particularly aiming to hit her.

But the dart spun through the air and with deadly precision embedded itself in the farm pony's flank! It made Applejack jump several feet into the air with a high pitched squeal.

Almost before she had landed on the floor Applejack turned against Dash with an angry look on her face that could very well compete with Fluttershy's infamous Stare in terms of scariness.

"Oups... I guess I... I kinda... overreacted... sorry!" Dash said, nervously scratching her mane.

"RAINBOW DASH!!!!" Appjejack roared and came after her, furiously chasing the terrified pegasus around with the dart still sticking out from her flank. "AH'LL GET YOU FOR THIS! JUST YOU WAIT TILL AH GET YOU!!!!"

Pinkie stared blankly on the empty table before her, Fluttershy started to cry softly and Twilight hid her face in her hooves.

"La la la... This isn't happening... Tell me this isn't happening," she begged.

Applejack caught hold of Rainbow Dash's wing like a seal catching a penguin and slammed Equestria's Most Awesome Flyer to the floor. She then started to pull her feathers out one by one.

"AAAHHHH!!!!! NO! Cut it out! Not my feathers!"

"Ah,ll pluck you like a dead chicken! Now you'll have to get used to walk till they grow back!"

At that precise moment the Cutie Mark Crusaders entered through the door in hope to maybe win their bowling-cutie marks. Their jaws dropped in shock.

"Rainbow Dash!" Scootaloo yelled with tears in her eyes. "I'll help you!"

She launched herself at Applejack, but collided mid-air with Applebloom who stopped her flight in a move worthy of a professional wrestler.

"Don't ya hurt ma sister!"

They both fell over and bumped into Lyra, who was about to take a sip on her milkshake. Instead she tripled over the wrestling fillies and the shake just slipped from her hoof and landed next to Trixie, who's magnificent velvet cape was splattered with its contents!

"Look what you did to my Great and Powerful cape! You clumsy cur!" she yelled and kicked Lyra in the flank.

Almost immediately she was jumped by a raging Bon Bon.

"You'll be lucky if you get out of here alive!" she screamed as she knocked Trixie out cold with a well aimed blow!

In moments the whole bowling alley had erupted into a vicious brawl! Ponies everywhere wrestled and fought all over the place, smashing chairs over each other's backs and cursing. Octavia, Carrot Top and Vinyl Scratch grabbed Derpy and threw her into the bar!

The grey mailmare immediately got hold of a bottle and slammed it against the floor! She had heard that if one broke a bottle it could be used as a weapon! But the only thing that happened was that the bottle ruptured and Derpy was sprayed with Pony Cola. For it was a plastic bottle.

Rainbow Dash had just escaped the deadly clutches of Applejack and with a leap she managed to jump onto the enormous lamp in the ceiling. But it couldn't support her weight and the socket gave way! Within a second everything crashed down upon a number o surprised ponies below in a cloud of dust.

"The horror! The horror!" Lilley Valley shouted as she fled the scene.

The windows were completely smashed as more ponies from the street tried to force themselves in to take part in the brawl! Heavy bowling pins were used to bash the refrigerator, the flowerpots and all the ponitors. Colgate and Roseluck combined their forces and slid Octavia across the bar, knocking down several tankards of cider and bottles along her way towards Derpy who firmly stopped her path with a blow from her half empty plastic bottle right between her eyes. She then brutally emptied the rest of the Pony Cola over her mane.

Suddenly a very surprised Photo Finish appeared in the door. She was on her way to take some pictures and now she couldn't believe her own eyes!

"Ah! Zis ist magnificent! I, Photo Finish, must take a picture of zis vigorous schtruggle!" she exclaimed.

The next moment she was hit in the face with a hoofful of cake and then jumped by several ponies who's modelling careers she had cut short.

"Oh, this is bad.... this is bad bad bad...." said Twilight, who was hiding along with Fluttershy behind an overturned table. "I must stop this fight! I must come up with a magic spell that can stop this madness! Think, Twilight! Think!"

Suddenly she got an idea.

"I have it! I can use my fire spell to start the sprinklers in the ceiling! According to Celestia's building regulations, all buildings intended for public use by larger crowds than fifty ponies must have a fully functioning sprinkler system!"

Twilight aimed her horn towards the ceiling and sent a little spark away that immediately ignited the highly flammable insulation.

"Sometimes it's clever to fight fire with fire," she said with a happy smile. She really hoped to remember that line for her friendship report. Celestia would be so pleased!

"Um..."

"Yes, Fluttershy? You don't need to be scared. I know what I'm doing..."

"But... but..."

"You see, the sprinkler system will very soon detect the smoke," she explained.

"But... um... did you check that there actually was a sprinkler system before you started the fire, Twilight?"

"No, I just assumed... hm... assumed that there would be... would be... Oh. Oh crap."

Quickly the flames spread across the roof as the fire grew out of control! The fighting ceased as ponies began to gallop around in panic, desperately trying to find the fire extinguisher.

"Everypony out! Save yourselves!" Pinkie screamed as she ran towards the exit.

"Oh, no! This is bad!" said Twilight, trotting on the spot.

"I have the extinguisher! Stand back!" Vinyl Scratch cried and aimed the nozzle towards the fire.

She released a rain of pressurized foam, but she panicked and instead of hitting the flames she could only hit the other ponies.

"Stop! Let me do handle that!" said a completely foam soaked Octavia as she tore the extinguisher from Vinyl's hooves.

But now the fire extinguisher was empty.

"Drat!" she yelled.

The flames soon spread to the walls and now the ponies had to flee through the exit in order to save themselves. Luckily the doors were big enough for the whole crowd. Scared and shocked they all gathered in the street outside the raging inferno.

Twilight dashed around in complete panic.

"Is there anyone that still misses somepony? Is everypony safe?! Can all ponies who are dead or missing please raise their hooves!" she cried with tears in her eyes and soot all over her lavender coat.

"Oh no! Trixie! I knocked her out and she's still left inside!" Bon Bon screamed in horror.

"No, I'm not," said a foam-drenched shape next to her. "The great and powerful Trixie is right here!"

"Oh..."

"And it's payback time."

Then Trixie threw herself at Bon Bon and the fight stared all over again!

There was a sudden flash of magic above their heads.

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!" a thundering voice boomed.

They all looked up and saw princess Celestia hovering above them with a very displeased expression on her face. Slowly she descended to the ground and swept her piercing gaze across the crowd of ponies.

"You should all be ashamed of yourselves, fighting like that! Equestria is a place where you should all live in harmony and friendship with each others! And look at yourselves now. Is this how you treasure that friendship?!"

"But princess Celestia... the flames are sprea..." Twilight began.

"BE QUIET! And you, Twilight Sparkle, should be the most ashamed! You started this fire, didn't you?!"

"Well.. I... I... it was... I don't remember exactly... what... what caused the...."

"Don't you lie to me! We have talked about this before! I am so disappointed right now. I really thought you had redeemed yourself... But no! You just had to come up with a plan that somehow happened to involve fire, didn't you? You have a lot to think about."

"I... b-but I..." Twilight stuttered as she began to cry.

"I don't want to hear your lies and excuses! Endangering the lives of my subjec..."

The princess was interrupted by a familiar voice.

"HEY! CELESTIA! Can't you see that the fire is spreading!?" Rainbow Dash yelled. With her half-plucked wings she really resembled something that a cat could have dragged in.

"Oh, it is? I thought that only the bowling alley was set ablaze?"

"No, you were so busy yelling at Twilight that you forgot all about it. Now fix this with your fancy magic, please, and leave Twilight alone!"

And as she spoke, they all could see how new flames erupted from the thatched roofs nearby. A persistent gust of wind carried little burning pieces of straw with it to ignite more and more of the houses.

"Celestia! Please do something!" Twilight begged.

The expression of anger in Celetia's face was now replaced with an expression of growing panic.

"I... I'm afraid I don't actually know anything about fire fighting! Since I lost control over the elements of harmony I have also lost my ability to manipulate fire with my magic! I always used to just turn the fire off when I didn't need it or send my servants to do so... But I can lower the sun for you, if that would be helpful?"

"No, Celestia, it really wouldn't..."

"Oh, in that case... Hm... Then I really don't know what to do. Perhaps somepony should alert the fire department?"

"Good... Where is the fire department then?"

"That would be located in Canterlot... Oh. Buck."

*    *    *

Twilight made a decision. This was not the time for panic. This was the time to act!

"I can fix this!" Twilight shouted as she wiped her tears away. "Listen up everypony! I know what to do! I need everypony to cooperate and form a bucket brigade! Together we can extinguish the flames and use the power of friendship to save our beloved Ponyville!"

That was a good plan. That was a sound plan. That was a plan that surely would have saved Ponyville... had she not come up with it an hour later. All ponies had long since evacuated their town and left behind was only the poor, confused Twilight Sparkle, aimlessly wandering around among the smouldering ruins and organizing her imaginary bucket brigade. Her mane was frayed and her body covered in soot and dust.

"I think we'll need to sing a song! Who's with me?... ...Step by step, we're... eh... extinguishing the flaaames! Bucket stuff la la la! Careful not to spill it on the ground! Gonna save our town, la la la..."

Spike appeared among the smoking piles of ashes and rubble.

"Twilight... poor Twilight... Come here. I have looked for you for a long time. Let's go to the nice emergency shelter that Celestia has set up outside Ponyville," he said as he wrapped her in a blanket.

"La la la... The flames are soon to be put out! I'm going to saaaave the day!"

"Yeah, everything will be just fine," Spike assured her as they walked away from the ruins.

THE END

P.S; Applejack was totally fine after she had the dart removed at the emergency hospital. She is a tough pony and although the relationship with Rainbow Dash was a bit strained for a while they soon became good friends again. And nopony was killed or injured during in the blaze. The killings came after that... Just kidding! Nopony was killed.