Ponyfinder

by Akumokagetsu

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Adventure, Princess Celestia, Sex, Main 6, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Nightmare Moon, Comedy
Length: 1211

Follow the nearly-epic adventures of an unwary group of unlikely adventurers in this action-packed adventure, based on an actual campaign. (Warning; contains high-octane hilarity.)

A slightly nerdier different take on Friendship is Magic.

Nightmare Moon has returned.
Now, a band of misfits must join together against with the Elements of Harmony to save Equestria from the greatest threat they've ever encountered!
It has action! It has drama! It has slapstick humor out the wazoo!
It even has a couple of wazoos, too!

It's the story Gotham needs, but not the story it wants; it's Pathfinder... with ponies!
(Based off of an actual Pathfinder campaign. I cannot begin to describe just how awesome it was without writing an entire story about it. WHICH IS AWFULLY COINCIDENTAL.)

Published 2013-10-27 15:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-10-27 15:30:01 UTC

We Will All Go Together

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‘Gloomy’ did the Everfree Forest an injustice.

“And so I said, ‘Inside her? That’s my brother!’”

Then again, there were some things that were worse than dark and gloomy.

Poorly told jokes, for example.

Lavender was met by blank stares from all around the campfire, each set of eyes boring a hole in the pegasus.

“… ‘That’s my brother!’” he said again for emphasis, waving a pair of light purple hooves through the air as if it were the punch line to the greatest joke he’d ever told.

“… That’s my br-!”

“We got it,” Masquerade rubbed his aching eyelids for the umpteenth time that night, groaning as he shifted uncomfortably on the mossy stump beside the campfire. The cerulean sorcerer massaged his aching back, tilting toward the warmth of the fire and away from the uncomfortable stump. “It just wasn’t funny.”

“Oh, you shouldn’t be so harsh on him, Masky,” said Blazing Lights teasingly. “He certainly held our attention, didn’t he?”

“Bards aren’t supposed to just keep somepony’s attention,” he grumbled back to the white earth pony beside him, dressed in light leather garb. “They’re supposed to be entertaining. I swear, this is the last time I even bring up the word ‘bored’.”

“Well, excu~se me!” Lavender rolled his eyes, frowning as he returned to his own bedroll to settle down for the night, the looming edge of the Everfree Forest towering over them watchfully. “I try to liven things up a little…!”

“Will you three kindly shut the hell up?” bellowed the second unicorn, already curled up beneath his single blanket beside the fire. Sticking his head up from the bedroll revealed an already glowing lime green horn…

With a pair of gritty pistols levitating beside his head, pointed directly at them.

“I’m only gonna say it one more time,” Smoulder seethed through gritted teeth at the wide eyed sorcerer and slightly unnerved rogue. “I need my beauty sleep. Now either you numb nuts let me get a little nap in the dirt, or you’re both getting a dirt nap! Got it?!”

“It would serve them right,” Lavender mumbled, turning over and making himself comfortable. “Can’t appreciate good comedy. Hmph.”

“Oh, calm down, Smoldy-” Blazing Lights began, nervously trying to defuse the situation. It was unlikely that Smoulder would actually shoot them, but it wasn’t like the gunslinger had a great disposition in the first place.

“Don’t call me ‘Smoldy’,” the unicorn glowered at her, but lowered his weapons as he too attempted to go back to sleep.

“If you say so, Smoldy,” Lights grinned good naturedly, warming his hooves over the steadily dwindling campfire.

Masquerade sighed, resuming the slow massage of his aching temples beneath his charcoal grey coat. It was difficult enough attempting to summon reserves of power for a plethora of spells, but even memorizing an entire grimoire would have been preferable to putting up with his present company for much longer. These ponies were all out of their minds.

“Only. Sane. Pony. In the world.”

0-0-0-0-0

Investigate the disturbance in the Everfree Forest.

Something so simple, with a fair payoff from the mayor of Ponyville should they succeed.

The sorcerer with a grudge against his fellow ponies.

The lithe and fun loving rogue.

The hopeful bard, in search of meaning.

The mysterious gunslinger, with a dark past.

As for the one spying on them, however…

0-0-0-0-0

Masquerade bolted upright in his bedroll, kicking viciously at the blanket.

Sweat poured off his body in rivets, even though the campfire had long ago died out. Breathing heavily, the unicorn rubbed the nightmare from his eyes and coughed a little from the wisps of leftover smoke he breathed in a little too quickly.

Surely, the nightmare had been about something.

He felt a little silly about it afterwards, trying to remember something about it. The feeling of terror was real enough… and he was almost certain that it was something about the moon.

Or maybe the bad dream had been about bears.

Or was it an owl?

“No, that’s not right…” Masquerade rubbed his still pounding temples wearily, eliciting a groan from Lavender.

“Can’t sleep either, huh?” the pegasus shuffled his wings uncomfortably, sitting up.

“Obviously,” he retorted with a deadpan expression, giving another heavy sigh.

“Me neither,” Blazing Lights piped up suddenly, causing Masquerade to jump. “Gotta move.”

The tan earth pony was already packing his belongings, pouring sand on the campfire and preparing for… something.

Curiously, Masquerade rubbed the sleep from his eyes. “What are you doing?”

“Can’t sleep. Gotta move,” he said flatly again, throwing his small black saddlebag onto his back. “Hey. Smoldy.”

The gunslinger mumbled something profane, and what sounded suspiciously like “Don’t call me Smoldy.”

“Wake up, Smoldy-Moldy-Woldy-Poo,” Lights egged him on. Oddly enough, he did so whilst completely expressionless, showing nothing with either face or body language. His voice stayed low and flat, even as he said “We can’t sleep now. Gotta move. Now.”

As a sorcerer, Masquerade possessed an extensive knowledge of magical effects and maladies. Ever since he first gained his Cutie Mark of a laughing and weeping mask, he had studied the psychological and sociological effects of magic on ponies. He could spot a Charmed pony from a mile away, and could tell the difference between a Curse and a malady with ease.

However, Lights displayed nothing of the sort, with all of the symptoms of a spell he particularly dreaded. It took him a full moment to realize what should have been obvious from the start, and he mentally kicked himself.

There was no spell in place.

Blazing Lights was afraid.

Lights almost silently assisted the others in packing as quickly as possible and erasing any trace of their camping, stamping out little signs here and there and covering tracks. The others wordlessly took notice of his hushed and frantic pace, repeatedly throwing his head over his shoulders as if he were being watched.

“… Lights, are you sure-?” Lavender began nervously, gripping his small lute close to himself for fear of losing it.

The earth pony quickly cut him off with a single hush, pointing toward a clump of trees and beginning a swift trot.

Somewhat confused, the remaining three had little choice but to follow their comrade through the dim moonlight and into the yawning maw of the Everfree Forest. The grasping trees and long, stuffy shadows of the forest quickly swallowed them whole, and Masquerade took the liberty of creating a small floating ball of magical light to help them along their way.

Before long, it became so dark that they could barely see a few feet in front of themselves, and they quietly stuck together so as not to lose each other. Every time one of them attempted to speak, the rogue leading the way would hush them in panic and pick up the pace.

And so, it was in this manner that they steadily wound their way through the depths of the Everfree Forest.

Had they ever returned to their camp, they might have had the misfortune of discovering that the entire area caught ablaze a short while afterwards.

But of course, they never returned.

0-0-0-0-0

Author's Note

They failed their Perception checks.