"Ah want a baby."
It was Friday night, a little past eleven o’clock. The two of them were in bed, covers off, and the night breeze drifting in through the open window was crisp, conducive to cuddling together for warmth. This usually led to some malleable form of sexy time; however, that single statement uttered by Applejack brought Rainbow's world to a screeching halt.
Taking heed of her father's advice about being confronted with dangerous predators, Rainbow tried to avoid making any sudden movements. That worked about as well as making a hat out of potatoes, she realized upon observing her partner's incrementally narrowing eyes. It became clear that mental exertion was required if the situation was to be averted.
She had several conceivable options at hoof: One, she could snore like a dying manticore and pretend to be already dreaming about doing victory laps as the newest Wonderbolt hero at the Equestrian Games. Her ongoing wide-eyed staring and gaping like a scandalized deer caught in a Stirrupean red light district drastically reduced all chances for that strategy to be feasible, though.
Two, she could calmly, rationally express her feelings on the impending topic of discussion by log rolling out of bed before doing a leaping dive out the window. At that point, however, Applejack would probably withhold all forms of luxury goods for the foreseeable future. Like breakfast and naughty kisses. And syrupy pancakes. Naughty syrupy pancake kisses? Great, now she was hungry and horny and—
Three, she could try to gloss the situation over by using her incredible Rainbow Danger Dash allure and hopefully induce temporary amnesia in Applejack with her sexy time moves like the Corkscrew Prench Kiss. The solemn look in her lover's eyes, however, screamed “immovable object” and according to Twilight and her magical science mumbo jumbo, that meant that as an unstoppable force, herself, Rainbow would pass right through Applejack because the acceleration wouldn’t change or something and oh-no-she-just-scrunched-her-muzzle-time-was-running-out—
With the tides of marital discord against her, Rainbow realized she had no choice. It was time to put Evasive Maneuver Theta into action. "Yeah, sure, sounds like a plan! I was thinking maybe getting a baby sloth. They're pretty cute. Saw a few of them last month when Fluttershy was helping the parents give them baths. Now I know what you're gonna say, 'But Rainbow Dash, you don't like things that don't live furiously in the fast lane.' Well, I've learned from my last Friendship Diary entry that life doesn't have to be all parties and rocket cupcakes, no matter what Pinkie says. Sometimes it's okay to slow down a little and take it easy, ya know? Try out life in the turtle patrol and stuff. I mean, Tank seems pretty happy there. Uh, in conclusion, I think a pet sloth will be great for us."
Applejack sighed and shook her head. She pulled the sheets up to her shoulders and turned away. "Never mind, forget it. Stupid thinkin’ anyhow."
Rainbow sighed as well and silently cursed her chronic case of hoof-in-mouth disease. She inched over to throw a foreleg over Applejack’s seething form, while reserving a respectable space between them just in case the gesture wasn’t appreciated. "It's not stupid at all. Sorry."
Applejack huffed. "Sorry for what?"
"For being a mega dunce," Rainbow said, watching AJ from under her crinkled eyebrows.
"And?"
Rainbow squirmed slightly, glancing away bashfully. "And for using evasive maneuver theta at bedtime."
Applejack snorted. “Ah swear, sometimes ya have more feathers than brains.” She nudged backwards until her back was comfortably snug against Rainbow, who smiled gently and pulled the farm mare in with a foreleg.
The two of them lapsed into a short period of silence, each of them lulled to a comforting sleepiness by the conjoined warmth and the feel of their respective breathing. Applejack rolled back over, now facing Rainbow, with their snouts teasingly close as she locked soft eye contact with the pegasus.
“Well?” Applejack asked with an expectant smile.
Rainbow stifled a yawn and blinked away the resulting blurry moisture. “Well what?”
“Well ‘baby’,” Applejack replied flatly. “What’re you really thinkin’? Be honest.”
There was a thoughtful silence. Rainbow took a steadying breath. “I don’t like the idea.”
Applejack’s eyes widened and was about to move away when the despondent look in Rainbow’s eyes stopped her. Taking a moment to collect herself, she then gave a prompt in the form of a gentle touch and quietly waited for the mare to continue.
“Look. it’s just…” Rainbow swallowed dryly. “I don’t think I can be a good mom. Er, dad. Dam. Um, mod?”
Applejack laughed softly. “We’d both be mommas, Dash. And what makes ya think you’ll be anythin’ but a good one?”
Rainbow sighed deeply. “I don’t know, I just...I’m not sure if I have it in me. I mean, this is a colt or a filly we’re talking about here. A real child to raise and everything! It’s not gonna be like Wonderbolt training, where it’s just me and flying and failed buccaneer blazes here and there and a bunch of bruised flanks and egos. Messing up is...messing up is bad. I don’t want to screw something like that up. I don’t like the idea of even taking a chance of messing up something like that.”
Applejack moved in closer. “Ya keep talkin’ like ya forgot that there’s a partnership in all this. Reckon Ah’ll mess up, too?”
“It’s not that,” Rainbow said quickly. “I know you’ll be a great mom. Probably the best kind of mom. More than likely the most awesome mom, ever. But, but what if I mess up enough for the both of us? Enough that it wouldn’t matter how great you are? It wouldn’t be the first time.”
A lengthy moment of silence passed. “Ah reckon ya do have a point,” Applejack said.
Rainbow blinked. “Huh?”
“You’re always lazing around and shirkin’ yer chores ‘round the farm just so ya can bury yer head in the clouds like a gopher in a cabbage patch. Your mouth flaps faster than you can fly and sometimes even Pinkie’s more grounded than you are. It’s a real wonder yer a proper-like functionin’ pony at all.”
“Wh-what are you talking about? I always get stuff done. I mean, y-yeah sometimes I take naps with wicked bad timing but I always pull through!”
“Hay, sometimes Ah even thought ‘bout trading ya in for somepony better. Somepony like sweet ol’ Soarin. He works hard and likes my yummy apple pies. Bet he’d be a great partner.”
The hinges of Rainbow’s jaw seemed ready to dislodge. “Wait, what?” She flipped the sheets over as she took to furiously hovering over the bed. “Soarin!? Like hay he’s better than me! I’m a way more awesome partner than that crazy pastry addict! Have you seen the way he gobbles up those pies? It’s like he’s trying to eat his way to an orgasm! At least I don’t make scenes of public indecency with my eating habits! And, and…” She trailed off upon noticing the barely contained laughter in Applejack’s twitching and smiling form and slowly floated back down with rosy cheeks. “And...and you totally got me.”
Applejack burst into guffaws.
Rainbow groaned and gathered the sheets to cover herself as she curled up like a defensive armadillo.
Brushing away a bead of a happy tear with one last chuckle, Applejack parked herself atop the bundle of of wool and flustered pegasus. “You slobber over mah pies prettier than Soarin does anyhow.”
A muffled grumble came from within the clump before Rainbow poked her head out to deliver a sour look, which didn’t last long when Applejack delivered a kiss on the lips in return. Soon, Applejack joined Rainbow Dash under the sheets, side by side, looking like a giant red burrito packed with Applejack and Rainbow Dash fillings.
The two of them lapsed into another stretch of silence until Rainbow asked, “Aren’t you nervous? About being a parent? I mean, just thinking about it is flipping me out.”
Applejack cocked her head to the side, thumping softly against Rainbow. “Can’t be nervous bout’ somethin’ that ain’t happenin’ yet.”
“You know what I mean,” Rainbow groused. “Why do you wanna be a mom so much? Is it that whole biological clock thing Rarity keeps yapping about?”
Applejack breathed out slowly. “Ah reckon ya can call it that. Ah’m gonna be at the same age when Ma had me on mah next birthday an’ all.”
Rainbow blinked. “Wait, that’s your reason? ‘Cause you’re soon gonna be as old as when your mom gave birth to you?”
“It ain’t just that,” Applejack said, gazing ahead. “All mah life, all Ah’ve ever wanted is for Sweet Apple Acres to stand tall and proud, just like the whole Apple Family. This family is mah heart and this farm mah home, and there ain’t no place and nopony else Ah’d rather be. But a good farmer needs to know how to cultivate the fields at the right times for a proper harvest, just like there’s a best time for makin’ a foal.”
Rainbow stared with wonder, waiting silently for Applejack to continue.
“There ain’t tellin’ with the future, and there’s always gonna be risks, so Ah can only rely on what Ah know up here.” She pointed at her temple. “And what Ah feel down here.” She squeezed her hoof through Rainbow’s underbelly and prodded at her chest, the two of them now in a snug embrace. “These are the best years of mah life, sugarcube, and Ah want to share them with you and with any foals we might have. But Ah’m willin’ to wait, if that’s what it takes. Ah’m sorry if it felt like Ah was pushin’ ya. If you need more time, then Ah’ll wait til’ yer right and ready. Ah want a baby, Rainbow. But more importantly, Ah wanna have a baby with you. Partner.”
Rainbow’s eyes wobbled and she buried her face into the sheets as wild sniffling came about. “D-dang it, AJ! You’re filling my sappy meter all the way up to the eyes!”
Applejack laughed lightly and rested her cheek against the mare’s multihued mane.
“I want a kid, too,” Rainbow eventually said with a final sniffle. “I’m nervous, but I want to have a baby, too. Of course I do. I just don’t know if it’s the right idea. Besides, as much as I hate to say it, we’re missing the right parts to make a little pony, aren’t we?”
Applejack gazed ahead with a little smile forming. “That’s why Ah want to talk to Twilight first. Ah reckon if there’s any chance at all, it’ll be with her help.”
Rainbow smiled softly. “Well, if there’s any chance for a foal to get my awesomeness and your freaky love for apples, I guess Twilight would be the egghead to give it.” She sighed. “But, even if we find a magical solution, how do you know we won’t still mess up anyway?”
“Ah don’t,” Applejack said. “But we won’t. Ah believe in you. In us. As long as we give it our all, I know we’ll make it work.”
Rainbow snortled. “Jeez, AJ, that was cornier than a rooster’s breakfast.”
“Hey,” Applejack protested with a laugh. “That kinda metaphor is mah schtick. Get yer own.”
“Your schtick is mah schtick. Ain’t that the point of marriage, sugarflank?”
“Oh, Ah’ll show you a schtick,” Applejack said wriggling until managing to pouncing on Rainbow. The mares wrestled with each other, or more accurately, partook in some form of full on mutual tickle and molestation match, eventually ending with Rainbow on top of a surrendering Applejack.
The two stared at each as they waited for their playful giggles to subside. Rainbow smiled widely and leaned in, with Applejack meeting her halfway. When the two finally softly parted, they gazed at each other lovingly until Rainbow said, “Hey, if one of us does somehow get magically pregnant, does that mean we’ll have to stop having sex?”
Rainbow let loose a rather uncharacteristic yelp when she found their positions reversed.
“Don’t even joke about that,” Applejack growled out, and initiated Invasive Maneuver: Sigma Epsilon Chi.
Rainbow pantomimed wildly with inordinately suggestive pelvic gyrations as her tale delved into rather triple x rated territories. “So, knowing that teasing Applejack in the left ear will help the south to rise again, I used my secret know-how and was able to turn the tide of the fight for dominance by squeezing my knee right between Bucky and Kicks and started wiggling—”
“Rainbow Dash!” Twilight cried, now potentially anemic in her lower extremities since the majority of her blood seemed to be concentrated in the face. “I didn’t ask to hear about that! What’s wrong with you?”
“What?” Rainbow cawed. “You said to tell you the whole story.”
“As in just the bullet points and not every obscene, explicit, inappropriate, embarrassing, traumatizing, lurid detail!” Twilight countered.
Rainbow rolled her eyes. “Yeesh. Be more of a virgin, why don’t you?”
Twilight was coming close to gaining the ability to glow red in the dark. “Th-that has nothing to do with anything. I only asked you to tell me how you two came to the decision of wanting a child—which is a wonderful decision and I’m so happy for you both—and instead you gave me a scene straight out of Ticket to the Grand Galloping G-Spot!” She promptly face-hoofed.
“You’re right,” Rainbow said with a snicker. “You’re not a prude. You’re totally a closet pervy pony.”
“I’m n-not a pervert! This is a perfectly normal and rational reaction one has when one’s friend suddenly starts divulging supposedly extremely private moments with abandon in one’s home, which happens to be a public library of all places. What if children came in here? Would you describe your nights of marital congress to innocent colts and fillies? Think of the hypothetical children!”
Before Rainbow could follow up with something increasingly sordid, a red-freckled Applejack bagged the pegasus’ head with her stetson. “Alright, that’s enough outta you,” she scolded before turning to Twilight with a beseeching stare. “And yes, Twilight, we’d very much like to talk ‘bout hypothetical children.”
“Right,” Twilight said, trying to get back on topic after she managed to collect herself and regain normal circulation, “So the two of you have decided you want to raise children together and start a family of your own. Have you considered adoption?”
Applejack nodded and shared a glance with Rainbow. “We’ve thought ‘bout it, and it’s definitely an option on the table, but…”
“You want to have foals with hereditary traits resulting from the genetic makeup between the two of you, if possible,” Twilight finished, before promptly assuming her recently trademarked pose of The Pondering Pony Princess, which made her look more whimsically constipated than sagely, but so far nopony had the heart to inform her of such.
Rainbow, still wearing Applejack’s stetson, naturally got impatient. "Hey, what about the Squirt? We can just adopt her. It’ll even be easy. It’s like half the work is already done!"
Applejack sighed. "Rainbow, for the last time, Scootaloo's pa’s the town accountant and her ma's a mighty sweet homemaker and they're a very happy family. She ain't an orphan, so give it a rest already."
“I know, but I never see them around! It’s like they’re just fever dreams of mad ponies and wishful imaginations.”
Applejack turned her attention away from her beloved and back to the still peculiarly thoughtful looking alicorn. “Well, Twilight? Got any ideas?”
A confident grin sprung to life on Twilight’s features. “As a matter of fact, I do.”
“Really!?” Applejack and Rainbow exclaimed in tandem.
“Wait here,” Twilight said and vanished in a burst of magenta, only to return in a flash mere seconds later with what appeared to be a thick, leather-bound book grasped in her magic field.
Rainbow raised an eyebrow. “Is that an encyclopedia?”
“Even better,” Twilight intoned. “This is the Antiquis Equo, also known as the Grand Grimoire of Starswirl the Bearded.” Her horn emitted a strong pulse of magic that enveloped the tome, causing the golden equine-shaped crest upon it to unlock “It’s a compilation containing exactly six-hundred-sixteen pages worth of the most advanced, most forbidden knowledge of the arcane arts, esoteric to all but the highest order of spellcrafters, with ancient scripts and magical formulas thought to have been lost to the dark winds of the drifting millenia.” She licked her lips and began prying open the book. “And yes, it sort of doubles as a thesaurus.”
When Twilight unfolded the dark tome, Applejack fully expected clouds of dust accompanied by ominous energy waves with the occasional wailing wraiths to pop out. Instead, she saw…
“Are those bookmarks?”
“Oh, these?” Twilight asked, levitating several strips of colorful oak tags. “They’re mine. I’ve been studying the Grand Grimoire for the last month.”
Applejack blinked. “You’ve been reading a book on dangerous spells secret to most of ponyfolk for an entire month?”
“Yes, isn’t it wonderful?” Twilight beamed. “I finally had my library card upgraded to the Black Diamond Concierge. Now I have full access to all the books and scrolls the Canterlot Archives has to offer and a complimentary cream cheese bagel every time I visit!”
Twilight expertly flipped through the grimoire and smiled upon finding the intended pages. “Here’s the spell for the job: True Love Prevails.”
The alicorn then flipped the tome upright in order to show the couple. Amongst cryptic scribbles of ancient texts were illustrations of numerous happy pony couples and a bundle of joy between each of them.
“According to my decryptions, the spell was intended to be used in crisis of population decline dating back to even before the Pre-Platinum Eras. It’s designed to circumvent the traditional reproductive compatibility of the pony mates, allowing fertilization to take place between two mares or even two stallions, in case the population drift resulted in disproportionate gender ratios and a drop in fertility rates. More empirically speaking, less females than males.”
“Has that ever actually happened?” Applejack asked.
Twilight nodded. “There’s mention of several documented incidences, such as Queen Platinum the Third’s Fantabulous Harem Project, an attempt to amass over nine thousand female concubines and left many villages bereft of young mares to maintain their populations.”
“Wow,” Rainbow uttered. “That’s one royally horny jerk.”
“And she’s also everypony in Equestria’s most recent common ancestor,” Twilight noted. “Of course, the spell doesn’t just allow for same sex breeding, though, it also allows for infertile stallions and barren mares to successfully conceive as well. It’s a spell that helps pony couples everywhere overcome obstacles of fecundity, and truly deserving of its namesake.”
“This is the answer,” Rainbow said excitedly. “That spell’s gonna help us get our baby!”
Applejack, however, looked slightly concerned. “Not to question your studyin’, Twilight, but if that spell is so good, then why was it all forbidden-like and tucked away like a crate of rotten apples?”
“Hey,” Rainbow interjected. “What’s wrong, AJ? Twilight has a real solution for us, so why’re you being all scowly? I thought you would be more excited.”
“It’s perfectly understandable,” Twilight said pleasantly. “I’d be cautious, too, if I were in your horseshoes. In fact, I’m glad you’re careful. Let me try to explain and hopefully allay your concerns, Applejack.”
With a spark of her horn, Twilight brought forth a magical projection of a smaller Twilight, which twiddled about like a sprightly marionette. “Like virtually every other spell in the grimoire, the True Love Prevails requires extensive knowledge in arcane scripts and spellcrafting, not to mention an incredible magical pool to draw from to even begin considering casting it.”
Twilight’s horn sparked again, now producing miniature versions of Applejack and Rainbow Dash, both of which stood closely together and waved cutely at the little Twilight. The small Twilight flared her diminutive wings as her horn began to gather glistering, magical energy.
“What the spell does is create a biothaumic link between the subjects, drawing forth their life essences and putting them through magical genetic recombination before depositing the zygote, the now fertilized essence, into one of the couple’s womb for the fetus to continue normal development.”
The little Twilight flashed a blinding magenta. The small Applejack and small Rainbow Dash looked on in wonderment as pearlescent orbs of light rose from their respective bodies and orbited about. Soon, the colorful glows coalesced into a radiant sphere of white light before floating down and disappearing into the little Applejack.
“However, as I’ve mentioned before, almost, if not all, the spells within the grimoire are severely taxing magical-wise, with the True Love Prevails especially so. The grimoire indicates that there’s a risk of thaumic enervation for the casters involved. That’s probably why the grimoire and its spells are so guarded; it’d probably prove to be fatal for the average unicorn.”
The small Twilight exploded, leaving only her wings and her cute little severed head, which now had double ‘x’s in place of eyes.
Applejack and Rainbow gaped horror at the simulated demise of little Twilight, who now rested in magical pieces. “Twilight,” Applejack uttered, being the first to recover. “We can’t ask you to risk yourself for us. That’s too much!”
Twilight giggled. “Oh girls, I’m sorry for scaring you. It’s okay, I wouldn’t have suggested the spell to raise your hopes just to dash it away. Don’t forget, you’re now looking at Princess Twilight Sparkle.” She folded her right foreleg across her chest as she held her head high with a confident smile. “I may not be as powerful as Princess Celestia or have a mane as beautiful as Luna’s yet, but I definitely have enough magical prowess qualified to cast the spell safely. For both of you as well as myself.”
“You promise?” Applejack said. “Look me in the eyes and promise me. It ain’t gonna be much of a happy endin’ if it’s costin’ one of mah very best friends.”
Twilight did as she was asked, and did so with a wide smile. “Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.” She lightly tapped her left eye, but still made an exaggerated, “Ow!” eliciting laughs from her friends.
“All right then,” Twilight said, clapping her hooves. “How do you two want to go about this? I’ve got the instructions and the only equipment I need are some rune-markers and this.” She tapped her horn with a hoof. “Give me thirty minutes to review the Grimoire and my notes and I should be ready to fire up the spell and you’ll be on your way to your first journey of childbirth. There’s no hurry, though. We can perform the spell any time the two of you feel ready.”
Rainbow Dash and Applejack turned to each other.
“Well, Partner?” Applejack said with a challenging grin. “Reckon you need a couple o’ days to mull over?”
Rainbow returned the smirk. “To see you turn into a paranoid, chubby, overly affectionate, baby-talking, crazy pony? I think I’m ready.”
Applejack laughed and the two shared a loving nuzzle.
“I’ll start preparations,” Twilight said with an uncontainable smile.
Half an hour later, the three mares were now in Twilight’s basement laboratory. Applejack and Rainbow Dash stood side by side within a large runic symbol made out of varying concentric circles covered with criss-crossing lines and geometric shapes.
“Oh my gosh,” Rainbow gushed. “Is this an actual transmutation circle? Just like in Daring Do and the Conqueror of Mairhuud!”
Applejack blinked. “That sounds like one of em’ eroticas.”
Rainbow rolled her eyes. “Why do ponies keep saying that? It’s about Daring Do discovering the lost city of Mairhuud while struggling against the evil forces led by the Mule Society, so of course that’s what the title is!”
Still reading through the last bit of the entry for the spell, Twilight absentmindedly chimed in, “I think a closer fit for what you’re thinking of is the book Baring Blew and the Mongeror of Marehood—I mean, heheh, all done!” She made a show of slamming the grimoire shut and setting it aside before loudly clearing her throat. “I’ve double checked the spell and everything seems set to go. There’s no turning back after this. Are you sure you’re ready?”
Rainbow wrapped a wing around Applejack and they leaned into each other. “Fire away, Twi.”
Twilight nodded and closed her eyes. Wings still furled to her side, she slowly began to levitate, floating inches above the floor. Orbs of iridescent lights arced surround her form, leaving a curtain of glimmers trailing about. When her eyes reopened, vivid white light shone through. Her voice reverberated through the air as she began to recite the incantation.
In joyless times, in days most frail,
No longer shall lovers bewail.
Let this power to all avail,
Behold my hack spell, True Love Prevails!
The very air seemed to tremble as tremors boomed forth intermittently. The shadows distorted as Twilight blazed like a beacon of white alicorn power. Her horn sizzled with sparks of electricity, concentrating and concentrating, until with a final cackle all the accumulated energy was released in a single burst.
Splurt.
Twilight’s horn burbled out several glowing magenta beads wiggling upwards like lethargic aerial shells. Upon reaching a seemingly arbitrary altitude, they softly burst into fireworks, the remnants of the detonation drizzling downwards in a shower of pathetic display.
Rainbow blinked, agape. “Wha-what happened? Was the spell a dud?”
All signs of magical build-up discharged in a wink and Twilight landed back on her hooves. She smiled dreamily before shaking her head rapidly. “A-ahem. No, I’m pretty certain that’s how the spell is supposed to work.”
“B-but,” Rainbow spluttered. “Are you sure? I mean, not to sound mean or anything, but that was totally weak-sauce! You didn’t even use the transmutation circle!”
“Rainbow,” Applejack interrupted with a gasp. “Ah think Ah can feel somethin’.”
“What is it?” Rainbow asked, turning to the mare.
Twilight quickly approached Applejack, her horn lighting up along the way. She placed a hoof on Applejack’s withers, wordlessly asking her to remain still, before pressing her face close to the barrel and closing her eyes.
“Well?” Rainbow whispered, now practically gnawing at her hooves.
Twilight pulled away with a smile. “It’s still faint right now, but I can definitely detect another life signature from Applejack. The spell was a success. Congratulations, you two. You’re going to be parents.”
Rainbow’s squeal bordered on glass-shattering. She then practically lifted Applejack into the air with her fiercely enthusiastic hug. “Oh my gosh, oh my gosh! It worked! This is really happening!”
Applejack guffawed, returning the embrace. “Looks like you finally got inside me, eh?”
Rainbow kissed her soundly. “And something even better is coming out because of it.”
“Now, Applejack, Rainbow,” Twilight said, once the couple calmed down from their euphoria. “I’m fairly certain everything is absolutely fine, but I still want Applejack to come see me for periodic check-ups. Let’s say, three day intervals. The spell induces an initial increase in the rate of development to sustain the fetus, so you might start seeing early symptoms in just a couple weeks. We’ll discuss further on your next visit, just remember to come find me or see a doctor immediately if you have any concerns.”
Rainbow and Applejack nodded their understanding and once again fell back into tender snuggles. The princess tried to maintain her Professional Pony Physician decorum, but failed spectacularly when she squee’d and flung herself at her friends.
“Thank you, Twilight,” Applejack said as the three mares huddled together in a feathery and nuzzling embrace, their bodies tingling with feelings of friendship. “Thank you so, so much.”
“What are friends for?” replied Twilight. “And don’t thank me so soon; I have a feeling the best has yet to come.”
Twilight was no stranger to trudging through late nights and waking up to the first ray of dawn with her face geometrically deformed from being buried in great reference books such as The Absolutely Smexy Diary of a Part-Time Alicorn. But even she wasn’t immune to the rather unpleasant experience of being woken up in the middle of a good snooze, especially when it was to Owloysius’ raucous hoot and rather unsettling soul peering gaze.
“Gwah!” Twilight said eloquently, bolting away from her snug embrace with chapter seven, Galvanic Boogaloo.
“Woo.”
“O-Owloysius?” Twilight blearily squinted, trying to adjust her eyes to the surrounding darkness. “Jeez, you really got me good.” She took a moment to pandiculate, groaning as she tried to ease out the soreness of her newly angular face. “That really is an unpleasant way to wake up. Remind me to apologize to Spike the next time I see him. Ugh. So, what’s going on? Is there something wrong?”
Instead of her assistant’s hoots, a series of intermittent knocks from downstairs responded first.
Twilight blinked as she turned to the direction of the noise. What kind of crazy pony visits the library at this kind of unprincessly hour?
Stifling a yawn, the pony princess meticulously tucked her reading material away before zapping herself to the library entrance, whereupon she groggily rubbed her muzzle and wondered if her face looked like it had been in extended intimate contact with a junk press when the knocking prompted her once more.
Twilight grumbled as she pulled the door open with magic. “I’m sorry, but I think you’re a tad bit early for borrowing books. Please come back later when the sun is actually—Gwah!” The startled yelp was accompanied by both a surprisingly well executed feathery swivel and a well aimed buck to the intruder’s presumed thoracic area, causing the darkly cloaked interloper to cry out and hunch over in apparent pain.
“I knew this day would come!” Twilight said, all signs of grogginess replaced with a sharp glare and flared wings. “Well, your princess is in another treecastle, buster! Stay back! I’ve got alicorn powers and I’m not afraid to use them!”
“W-wait,” the cloaked figure wheezed out with an outstretched claw before pulling the hood away back. “It’s me.”
Twilight blinked. “Spike? Oh my gosh, are you okay!?” Furling her wings back to her sides, the princess quickly made her way to the dragon, who slowly rose to his normal stature, which was about at level with the tip of Twilight’s horn after his most recent growth spurt.
“What the heck, Twi?” Spike groused, coughing slightly as he nursed the spot where he was struck. “Who greets visitors like it’s applebuck season? You could’ve hurt my...my…” Here his eyes went wide and unfocused as he stared at the ground, as though lost in thought. His previous snarl and palpable ire quickly faded and he placed a trembling claw upon his abdomen.
Oh gosh, I hope I didn’t hurt him too badly. Twilight hastily ushered him inside the library. “I’m so sorry, Spike. But why are you dressed up like that? You really scared me! I thought the dark hooves of those zealous occultists were finally serious about foalnapping me!”
“Alright, okay,” Spike hissed, giving discouraging motions with his claws as he threw a wary glance behind him. “Keep your voice down. The whole point of the disguise was so I wouldn’t be recognized on my way over here.”
Twilight raised an eyebrow and gave the dragon’s hulking appearance an once-over, directing an especially skeptical stare at the exposed tail trailing behind him. In the end, though, she decided to use her alicorn willpower to keep her snark in check and be nice to said hulking little dragon brother who she just now nearly bucked in the face. She plopped him down on a cushion and began lifting the cloak up to examine the supposed injury, only to have her hoof batted away.
“Spike, we’re indoors already,” Twilight said in exasperation, “I think your secret identity is secure for the time being. Now let me make sure I didn’t do any severe damage.”
Spike pulled away. “N-no, that’s okay, I’m fine. Peachy, in fact. Tough dragon scales and all that.” He held his cloak down as if his chastity was in peril.
Twilight blinked. “Okay, what’s going on? Why’re you acting so skittish? And don’t tell me nothing’s wrong, because you came back home in the middle of the night in that whole cloaked assassin getup. Without any calling ahead, I might add.”
“First of all, it’s not just a cloak, but a cowl.” Spike huffed and ran a claw through his frills in a manner very reminiscent of a certain fabulous unicorn. “And what, can’t I come for a visit without sending you a letter beforehoof?”
“Don’t give me that, mister,” Twilight replied with a frown, giving her best no-nonsense voice. “You know very well that you’re always welcome back here, but remember what I told you about evasive behaviour? Well, right now you’re giving off signatures equivalent of a small planet.”
Spike looked down, nibbling his lips and twiddling his claws.
Twilight took a calming breath. Tone it down a bit there, Twilight. Spike isn’t exactly a whelp disobeying his curfew anymore. “Look, Spike. Something is obviously troubling you, but I won’t know what to do if you don’t tell me. Don’t you trust me?”
“I do trust you, Twi, I just...” Spike fidgeted about for a few more moments, appearing to struggle with himself. Eventually he seemed to have made a decision. “Twilight,” he said, looking to her imploringly. “I think I’m in deep trouble. Please, help me, I don’t know who else to turn to.”
“Of course,” Twilight replied without hesitation. “I promise I’ll do my best to help you, whatever it is.”
“Okay,” Spike said, climbing back to his hind claws. “It’s pretty disturbing, but I’ll show you.”
Twilight breathed in deeply and steeled her mental resolve. “I’m good. Go ahead.”
Spike leaned over and grasped at the lower edges of the cowl. Using the same ferocity one would rip off a band-aid, he lifted it all the way up, exposing his unspeakable secret.
Twilight blinked. “Wow, Spike. You really let yourself go.”
Tears flowed freely from Spike’s eyes. “I know! It’s terrible and I don’t know how it even—” He blinked. “Wait, what?”
Spike’s scaly underbelly protruded outwards, like the dragon swallowed a giant watermelon. Twilight leaned over to scrutinize the generous plumpness before she clapped her hooves together upon piecing the evidences together. “Oh, I get it. Rarity complained about you getting fat so you need help slimming down, am I right?”
Spike did a fairly convincing caricature of a goldfish.
“Whew,” Twilight said, making a show of wiping her forehead. “For a minute there, I thought something actually bad happened. I have to say, you’re really getting good at the whole dramatic thing. Rarity is really rubbing off on you, isn’t she?”
“Twilight, that’s not the problem—”
Twilight yawned loudly. “Look, Spike, I promise I’ll help you draw out a diet plan first thing tomorrow, well, later this morning. We can even do some exercises together, if you want. But right now, I’d really like to get back to sleep.”
“Twilight!” Spike shouted, grabbing the mare by the shoulders. “I’m not fat. I’m pregnant.”
Twilight scrunched her muzzle as she squinted at the dragon. “I don’t get you.”
Spike pulled away and furiously scratched at his frills. “Pregnant, as in I’ve got an egg sitting in my belly draining my nutrients before I pop it out from I don’t even want to think about it that will probably turn into a baby dragon but at this point it could be a lizard-piranha-pony monster and I wouldn’t be surprised.”
Twilight clenched her eyes shut and tried really hard to put the run-on sentence through the coherency section of her brain, but only managed to delete small pieces of data relating to complex variables instead. Against her rational judgment, she then cast a quick detect life spell and leaned in towards Spike’s underbelly.
There behind currents of wild draconic magic, was another form of magic: life.
Slowly, Twilight ceased the spell and looked up at Spike, who waited anxiously. She rubbed at her eyes before loudly smacking her lips. Then she screamed with the full force of her lungs.
“You’re pregnant!”
Spike threw his claws up. “Finally, she notices.”
Twilight began spinning in circles. “How could I have noticed? You’re male! You being pregnant shouldn’t even be something I have to notice! Unless…” She stopped, seizing onto a string of sanity. “Are dragons hermaphrodites? Are you protandrous?”
“I...I don’t know what those words are supposed to mean—” Spike began.
“Have you spontaneously grown a vagina?” Twilight screamed.
Spike blinked. He lifted his leg and craned his neck down to check before snapping back up. “Nope, I’m not doing this! I’ve still got all my parts, trust me. Just, calm down already, you’re really freaking me out.”
Twilight tried to, but instead once again hopped and screamed, “Whyhowwhatwherewhen!”
“I don’t know,” Spike yelled back. “That’s why I’m here asking for help in the first place. And it’s not just me, either. Rarity is pregnant, too.”
It was like a double whammy. Twilight was fairly certain she forgot how to do differential calculus. “Ngargh?”
Spike nodded. “Unless we’ve both been cheating on each other, which no we have not, it looks like Rarity and I got each other pregnant somehow.”
And there went the periodic table. “That’s not a thing! You can’t just make a deduction like that when it’s not scientifically possible!”
“Then you tell me what’s going on, genius!” Spike shouted. “I’m all ears right now. I’m a flippin’ sponge, in fact. A grouchy, bloated, egg-bearing sponge!”
“Okay, okay, okay,” Twilight muttered, finally managing to gain a semblance of control over her thoughts. She tapped at her temple, trying to find the right questions to ask. “Alright, first, when did you start to notice your… condition?”
Spike counted off his claw digits. “Um, about a week ago, I think. At first, I thought I was just bloated from drinking too much of AJ’s apple cider that I stored up at the boutique, but then Rarity got a swollen stomach too. And when neither of us got any better, we went to see a doctor just yesterday, and, well…”
A week ago? Why does that sound important? Twilight thought, sensing a significant detail in regards to the timeframe that she couldn't quite recall at the moment because of her more than addled mind.
Before Twilight could pinpoint her contemplations, though, the apparently unlocked library entrance slammed open followed by a familiar public figure. “Princess Twilight!”
“Mayor Mare?” Twilight and Spike exclaimed in tandem, before their attention quickly fell downwards to the mare’s abdomen; her ripe, plump abdomen.
Twilight gaped. “You...You’re…”
“Pregnant!” Mayor Mare cried, holding a foreleg up to her forehead. “Oh, the scandal! I can only imagine how this will affect my reelection! But it’s not just me. Most of Ponyville is mysteriously pregnant as well! Please, Twilight Sparkle, you must help us before Ponyville’s labor force is crippled by a mass influx of maternity leaves!”
“But,” Twilight stammered, mind now going through flaming hoops trying to figure out just what the heck was going on. “I don’t understand! Just how could this have happened? What could have caused so many ponies to become pregnant without any no-oooooooooo.” She craned her neck slowly to look behind her with the model look of horrid realization. Her gaze of utter betrayal quickly settled upon the grimoire, which sat sinisterly unmoving on her desk.
“It can’t be,” Twilight muttered breathlessly as she snatched the dark tome within her magical grasp. “I…I…” I caused all of this? It has to be. The True Love Prevails. That’s the only possibility. She glanced at Spike and Mayor Mare, who both gave her questioning looks, or more accurately, stared at their bulging-probable-life-nurturing bellies. She pictured the same condition on all the mares of the whole town; an entire village of mother-to-be’s, from young to elderly. She felt a little faint. But then an even more alarming thought shot through her mind and the possibility of sweet unconsciousness went the way of her last dissertation. She looked at Spike intently before she turned to Mayor Mare and practically whispered, “When you said ‘most of Ponyville is mysteriously pregnant,’ you don’t mean…?”
With a thump, a large red stallion pushed onto the scene, his bulbous belly hanging about like a rotund jelly sac which Twilight rightfully suspected wasn’t exactly the result of over-consumption of apple-related meals at dinner.
Now dangling a cream cheese coated pickle between his teeth instead of his trademark wheat stalk, Big McIntosh crunched noisily. “Eeeyup.”
Author's Note
Main 6 pairing, lesbian ponies, and m-pregs abound. Written mostly in an attempt to annoy Jake the Army Guy. Seriously.
Teehee.
A great many thanks to Bico for being inspirational awesomeness.
