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               Cocktails, Casinos, and Chaos               
                      -by KiltedKey-                       
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      Chapter One: Situation Normal: Still Bucked Up       
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Chapter One: Situation Normal: Still Bucked Up
Twilight Sparkle looked around at her friends knowing one thing for certain: If going on a vacation with Discord sounded like an appealing one, then life had truly taken a turn for the worse.
Or more accurately: Twilight Sparkle and her friends were possibly getting a subconscious addiction to weird events and normal life was just not stimulating enough. Discord was the heroin of weird events and the methamphetamine of stimulation.
Her conscious brain hated her subconscious one. Very, very much.
The Elements of Harmony stood in front of Twilight's home underneath the morning sun, luggage by their sides and a range of expressions on their muzzles. They ranged from reasonable doubt to joy, with only one mare expressing the later. It wasn't surprising that it was Pinkie Pie. Joy was an over-the-counter prescription Pinkie Pie abused regularly.
Discord's excitement matched Pinkie's own as he stood in front of the Elements, smiling like he had never smiled before. If the six mares in front of him were younger, he would have surely been arrested with the grin that spread across his lips.
"How wonderful it is for you to find time out of your busy lives to join me," Discord rumbled contently. "Gambling alone isn't nearly as fun as it is with friends; for shared memories tend to be the best of memories! I'm not allowed to gamble alone, but that's a story for when we get there."
"If it wasn't for Celestia ordering us to go, we wouldn't be," Twilight mumbled. "There's forgiving you for doing what you've done-"
"-and the very likely possibility that perhaps - just a bit - that we're not keen on mixing alcoholic beverages, money, and... you," Rarity said.
Discord grabbed his chest in pain, keeling forward. "Your lack of trust in my motives is just hurtful! What would Celestia say to you about treating your host in such a poor manner?"
"Yeah!" Pinkie huffed, stroking Discord's leg affectionately. "He's nice now. I haven't seen him since he's become our friend, but my Niceness Meter says he's nice now."
Rainbow Dash sharply flicked her wild tail behind herself, slapping her duffle bag. "I'd say something bad about Celestia thinking beer and Discord mix, but... Twilight would punch me in the face if I did."
Twilight stared at Rainbow in a wordless attempt to silence her, but Rainbow continued talking, shrugging her shoulders at Twilight. "What? I'd rather attempt to pull all four of you to Las Pegasus than have him take us there. I offered too, and she said no!"
"Perhaps it's because you would collapse and kill us all due to exhaustion a third of the way there," Rarity smiled.
Applejack scratched at the back of her mane idly, ignoring the mumbling vulgarities Rainbow spewed under her breath. "Ya know, I don't normally say this about Discord, but maybe we should trust him. Celestia said it was alright. Ain't that the best comfort a pony could have?"
"I trust him," Fluttershy said, closing her eyes as a smile spread across her lips. "He's just playful and likes for us to see things differently."
"You see?" Discord slithered through the air, lifting up Fluttershy's muzzle to gently stroke her underneath her chin. The little sounds of delight that echoed from Fluttershy's throat only made Discord smile once more. "She was the one who trusted me when you all didn't. How could I hurt poor old Fluttershy after all she has done for me?"
Rainbow slung her duffle bag over her left wing, a canine like growl rolling out of her snout. "You better not. Otherwise: I'll break your neck."
"Oh what violence teems inside of you, Rainbow Dash." Discord winced in agony. With a snap of his talons he appeared above Dash, scratching firmly into her spine with his claws. "Can I make it up to you with the buffet? It has all the seafood your pegasi stomach can handle."
Twilight dragged a forehoof across her snout at the morning projecting only the tip of what was surely bound to come forth for the rest of the day. Friendship was stressful and soul purging at the same time.
She loved her friends’ company like she loved Pinkie Kreme doughnuts: Having none was dreadful except when she needed to focus hard on a task that was mentally draining. Too much of either too fast gave her a system overload that clouded her emotional control and clarity of thought. Both made her realize the futility of resisting the ever powerful and present forces that raised her blood sugar levels no matter what she did.
Although on second thought, her friends had helped her solve many problems when she could not have alone. Those glazed doughnuts had helped her when she thought she didn’t need them as well, putting her in a state of calm when a solution or fact wasn’t clearly coming to her. Just like her friends did.
Why did Discord have to mention buffets in front of her?
Twilight inhaled and exhaled in the manner Cadance had taught her, watching Rainbow nicker quietly in delight at her back receiving a free massage and petting. "I'm just going to say that considering nothing ever goes as planned with us, maybe - just maybe - Discord can make things relatively normal. Probability has to work sometimes!"
Pinkie Kreme doughnuts worked when probability failed.
"He's amazing." Pinkie Pie whistled loudly, trotting slowly between her friends. "Discord is so good at being Discordy that he can make us think chaos is the same thing as normal."
She grabbed Rainbow Dash firmly with her forehooves, digging into Rainbow's chest coat. "Quick, Dash! We need to get Fluttershy's LSD and fix this! We can't let him out random me!"
Fluttershy wrapped a wing around both Pinkie Pie and Rainbow, letting out a quiet giggle in peace. "It's too early for that. Maybe later."
Applejack pat Twilight gently on the shoulder, glancing at Discord as he laughed himself raw. "I don't know how ya can handle us, Twi'. For a math mare like yerself, what has happened over the last three years must be Tartarus to ya. I can tell ya, I just let most things slide off of me. Rainbow taught me how ta do that."
"Don't worry about me, Applejack." Twilight smiled calmly. "Pinkie's coffee cakes and black and white cookies are very good at repressing my urges to shout at the universe.” She had forgotten about those. “As Discord said: I can always binge at the buffet if the next few days become too much for me to handle!"
Rarity bit her bottom lip, placing a forehoof on Twilight's other shoulder. "I... am not so sure that is healthy for you, Twilight dear. Perhaps you should seek a therapist about that? You can always come to me instead of eating yourself to death. I… might have a bit of advice to offer in that field of… study."
Discord rolled around on the street in hysterics, tears gushing from his eyes as he wheezed harder and harder with every passing moment. Twilight stared him down as if he had gone back to his mad god ways once more. It only made his cackles that much louder.
"I have been doing this for eons," Discord sighed tiredly, "and yet you all have constantly entertain me again and again. Oh how wonderful and magical friendship truly is! I should have done it sooner.”
“Has anypony... thought… like… Celestia might be an alcoholic if she thinks this is gonna be a cool vacation with Discord?” Rainbow said, scratching at one of her ears. “'Cause it’s one thing for us to be friends with him. But to drink and-”
Dash felt a left hook impact her right cheek inconveniently, sending her careening onto the ground as Pinkie Pie leaped into the air to avoid being hit as well. The floating ethereal hoof that impacted Rainbow’s snout was the same color of raspberry as Dash’s cheek, and the owner of that magical construct stepped forward to blow out a plume of smoke at the currently downed Rainbow.
Twilight was pleased with the result of her magic. Physically letting loose had now become a new favorite pastime. She wasn't even drunk yet.
Her eyes scanned across those of her friends. Shock was on Fluttershy’s and Rarity’s faces as they exchanged glances at one another, while Pinkie Pie tilted her muzzle to the side out of interest. Applejack clearly thought of Twilight’s magical punch to be as funny as Discord did, joining him in long gales and squeals of delight.
“Anypony else want to suggest that Celestia is an alcoholic?” Twilight snorted. “Although I’m half tempted to be one after this morning. It’d make the rest of the day go awhole lot faster.”
Rarity let out a nervous laugh as she glanced at Rainbow, who groaned incoherently on the ground. Rarity’s attempt to have an honest smile across her muzzle also wasn’t being performed as well as she would have liked it to be.
 “Vacation sounds marvelous, doesn’t it, Twilight?” She wrapped a forehoof around Twilight’s side, stroking through her friend’s coat affectionately. “We haven’t had a vacation this far away from home before, and a night or two out with a bit of tequila sounds splendid.”
“Doesn’t it?” Rarity gritted between her teeth at Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie, nodding her head.
“Y-Y-yes it sounds delightful,” Fluttershy chuckled meekly, scoffing at the ground. “R-r-rum sounds lovely.” She prodded Pinkie’s side with a wing. “Right, Pinkie Pie?”
“As long as Twilight doesn’t punch ponies for not keeping up with her drinking, sure!” Pinkie chirped. She cowered at the glares that Fluttershy and Rarity shot at her, pouting her bottom lip. “I-I-I mean drinking games are fun when Twilight leads them. She’s our leader who lead leads!Woo…”
Twilight clopped her forehooves together in content. “Excellent! You know, I never knew that punching Rainbow Dash was a good stress relief. You should all try it! She can take it.”
“I’ll put it on my to do list,” Rarity smiled gently, Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie nodding in unison.
Discord had returned to relative levels of calm as he sighed in sedation. “Oh… oh Celestia must be paying me back for being in stone for so long. I don't even have to try anymore. Why interfere with what is already comedy gold?"
He snapped his claws together, appearing above the Elements with a fatherly grin. “Do not fear, my little ponies, for you will have the time of your life in Las Pegasus. It is… organized chaos, which is an interesting concept to say the least.”
“My head feels like organized chaos,” Rainbow groaned, crawling on top of her bag to lay on it like a life preserver. “Man… I’m never pissing you off again, Twilight.”
“Until ya do it by mistake,” Applejack cooed, wiping away the tears in her eyes with her hat. “I already feel kinda drunk from laughin’ so hard.”
“And this is only the beginning of today as well!” Rarity said. She waved a forehoof over the horizon. “What grand beauty Las Pegasus is supposed to be: Towering architectural perfection. Glorious and exotic food from around the world. Performances from the most talented acts of entertainment. It has something for all of us, and by Haywood, we shall love it!”
Discord wrapped an arm around Twilight's side opposite of Rarity's own. "Listen to your friend, Twilight. A majestic suite for you to sleep in. All of those games for you to memorize."
"And you will be my spotter at the craps table, Rarity," Twilight smiled. "If there is any mare I can use to manipulate the table and use to make a fortune, it's you."
"Exact-what!?" Rarity croaked. "I don't know how to play craps! What do you want me to do, flirt with the staff and players?"
Twilight nodded. "That's precisely what I want you to do. You can throw them off as I control the table."
"Damn it, I'm a seamstress, not a saloon prostitute!" Rarity growled, pushing her snout into the sly grin that etched over Twilight's own.
"And your dry cleaning sucks no matter which one you are," Rainbow said.
Discord and Twilight immediately fell over onto their sides as they laughed, arch-rivals grabbing each other for stability and sanity. Fluttershy, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, and Applejack looked at each other in confusion. The smallest of smirks appeared over the corner of Rainbow's lips.
"R-r-rainbow," Twilight heaved, "that's maybe the most clever and subtle joke you've ever said!"
Pinkie scratched her chin. "I... don't get it."
Rarity blinked rapidly. "I don't get it ei-"
Her face scrunched up in rage as she shoved Applejack toward Dash, the roaring of Twilight and Discord only fueling the fire burning in her icy eyes. "Hold, her, down."
Applejack pressed a forehoof down onto Rainbow's back as Rarity stomped over to her. Applejack shrugged idly toward Fluttershy and Pinkie as Rarity extended her right forehoof behind her frame. With a fast swing she cracked it across Dash's left cheek, the smirk never leaving Rainbow's muzzle despite the burning fire that now etched over both of her cheeks.
 "Twilight was right. Physically hitting you is an incredibly relieving activity, Dash." Rarity hummed, looking down at Rainbow with a relaxed grin.
"Totally worth it," Rainbow coughed, choking on her own saliva. "Completely, totally worth it."
Fluttershy looked around at her peers. Discord and Twilight were working themselves into a laughter induced coma, Rarity had awaken the sadistic side of her that she and Fluttershy only talked about at the spa, Applejack and Pinkie Pie looked at each other in complete confusion, and Rainbow had... pretty much acted like she normally did.
The Elements of 'Harmony'. This was them when they needed a vacation and were forced to bring Discord along for the ride.
Las Pegasus couldn't be worse then this. Could it? Surely Discord had learned what she had showed him through tolerance, kindness, and understanding how much more complex he was on the inside.
...Right?
A growing part of her mind wondered if she had pushed her kindness a bit too far.

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           Chapter Two: Annoying Average Alleys            
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Chapter Two: Annoying Average Alleys
The Elements of Harmony were once in front of Twilight's house, recuperating from the slow - and yet very pleasant - degradation of their moral senses. They hadn't even begun drinking yet.
Discord could smell the chaos he was causing, and he wasn't trying at all. He really was that good at his craft. Chaos tended to chaotically curve its way out of its own being. It was that chaotic.
Before they knew it, they were all in Las Pegasus, brought to the city a thousand miles away by a blinding light and a loud snap of talons clicking together. The journey took only a few seconds, and they awaited the glowing lights and flashing signs that they were about to see for the first time of their lives.
Las Pegasus looked like the most forgettable brick alley that any of the six mares had ever seen. It was a local legend for its brickness and averageness, to the point that it was forgotten because it looked exactly like every other alley way ever constructed.
Discord hovered in front of the Element's, pushing his paws down like a father trying to hush a crying infant. "Before you panic and get any ideas, know that I have a reason for doing this."
"If I wanted to be groped by a tentacle monster, it better belong to Twilight," Rainbow huffed, folding her forehooves across her chest. "At least I'd know where it's been."
Six pairs of eyes slowly turned to look into the reddish pink of Rainbow's, staring at her with varying degrees of disgust.
Except for Pinkie, who looked mildly interested in what thoughts were going through Rainbow's head.
Rainbow blushed at the attention focused at her, looking away from her friends' gazes, scoffing at the ground shyly. "W-what? Come on. Twilight has to have a spell like that, and she's kinda hot. I'd... I'd be an experiment for her."
"I could punch Rainbow again for saying that," Twilight said, "but I'll once again put it in a small part of my mind where I keep all of the horrible things I've heard and saw."
Rarity rubbed Twilight's shoulder gently. "It's a very good place to put most of the perverted things that Dash says."
"Even I'm not sure what to say to that," Pinkie said, scratching at her puffy mane. "So I'll say nothing!" She perked up her ears, bouncing in excitement as she looked up at Discord like an excited puppy. "I trust you! Why are we here?"
Discord chuckled not in humor, but in embarrassment. "I may have mentioned before that I am not allowed to gamble alone. If you think for even a moment that Celestia ordered such a ban on me, you are mistaken. She is a sore loser when it comes to card games though."
"Why am I not surprised by this?" Applejack said, flicking her thick tail. "I bet ya cheat, so ya need a pony ta make sure ya don't."
"I don't all the time," Discord pouted, "but I just happen to be... very good at making luck work in my favor."
"So... you cheat," Fluttershy said, folding her ears. "That isn't very nice. Just because ponies go into casinos thinking they will win doesn't mean you should cheat."
"I said not often!" Discord shouted, the Elements of Harmony contracting their snouts into their necks. "It's just that the sport isn't quite like it used to be."
Discord sighed, leaning on a wall to help ease his sorrows. "Security is everywhere these days. They don't like me creating slot machines from nothing for them to use. They don't 'trust my instruments'. Nor do they enjoy the casinos I used to build from the ground up. How ungrateful! I can't even entertain the patrons anymore, and I used to make them a fortune by doing it for free."
"Ya don't say?" Applejack smiled. "Trustin' Discord with bits 'n dice 'n entertainment? A swell idea if ya ask me."
Rarity tutted in disgust. "How could they betray you like that, Discord? The nerve!"
"I'm glad you have sympathy for me." Discord sniffled, wiping away a budding tear. "It isn't fair! And that is why we are here in this alley, for I have a plan to fix these problems."
"And... what is that?" Twilight asked, tilting her muzzle to the side. "If it involves breaking into a casino, you can count me out. I'd need a few weeks to properly plan and organize it anyways."
"The excellent morality of Twilight Sparkle, mares and gentlecolts," Rarity mumbled.
Twilight snorted derisively at Rarity, flicking her tail. "It'd be a good experiment on our group cohesion, security cracking, subterfuge, and we could publish it for the casinos to study."
Pinkie gasped in excitement, bouncing off of the walls to wrap her forehooves around Discord's neck. "If nopony gets hurt, I'm in!"
Rainbow walked forward, turning her frame around to face Twilight. She flickered her wings by her side. "Hey, Twi'. I know you're a genius and all, but writing and then printing a paper on how you stole millions from a casino is a great example of the word retarded; if you can pardon my you're-a-dumbass."
"I'd tell the princesses once we did it and give most of the money back," Twilight said. She sighed loudly, looking over her friends. "Can't I try something dangerous for once instead of just walking into it all the time?"
"No, no, no. We are not breaking into a casino to steal from them." Discord said, gently holding Pinkie Pie in his hand. He scratched at her curly stomach fur, the loud and gleeful snorts of Pinkie Pie's happiness echoing in the air.  "I simply plan on putting on a disguise. A very good one, if I may say so myself."
"Umm, Discord?" Fluttershy looked at her friends before returning her gaze toward Discord, "I'm not sure we can really disguise you."
He smiled toothily down at the Elements, cradling the whickering Pinkie Pie in his hand. "I have that taken care of. All I need is a pony name for myself. I believe Discord will simply not do."
Pinkie Pie curled her forehooves toward her chest, letting out a content giggle. "I know! Q!"
Discord winced like he had just stepped on a titanium train nail, dropping Pinkie Pie onto the ground. "A-A-another name. She's just-"
"Then why are you stuttering?" Rarity asked, stepping forward to look firmly into Discord's eyes. "Although I must admit that isn't... what I would call a proper name."
Pinkie Pie pulled herself back up from the ground, wiping off the dust on her pink coat. "I can't tell you why, because if you figured out, I'd have to torture you all in my basement. I mean, I have marshmallow, Skittle, apple, honey, and blackberry flavors in front of me I'd love to try in cooking, and boy-o-boy could I get a lot of juices out of you girls! So unless you wanna not remember a whole week and limp for another one by the time I'm done showing you what kitchen appliances can do to plotties, that information is top, secret!"
Silence.
Pinkie Pie hummed in place, rocking back and forth on her hooves, her eyes watching the spiritual horror that covered the muzzles of her closest friends.
"You think I'm bucked up and a pervert?" Rainbow shouted, pointing a wing toward Pinkie Pie, "this is the reason why I just stick to cuddling Pinkie Pie."
Twilight's neck twitched for several moments. The images dancing in her head were locked away in a secure corner of her mind that only asked for cheesecake in return for its maximum security protection. "Any other names for Discord, anypony?"
"Oh, oh, oh!" Pinkie whinnied, springing into the air with gay delight, "how about...  Questionable Query? He can be called Que Que!"
"Isn't that a bit... repetitive?" Rarity asked.
"Actually, it fits him aptly, Rarity," Twilight said. "Think about it like this: A query is a question that is a bit more intellectual and forceful than a normal question, and if it's a questionable question and yet it's asked anyways then he either is pushing your limits, the moral boundaries of philosophy, or simply is keen on messing with you. All three of those fit Discord to a T, and the name could be implied that he's a philosopher by trade. It's makes a really good cover in fact."
Applejack wrapped a forehoof around Rainbow's lean frame, giving her a firm squeeze. "Say, Rainbow: You wanna go get three Neighgerbombs and go play some Texas hold 'em? 'cause I have no idea what the hay Twilight just said; so I'm gonna do what the Fruit family does best when we have no idea what's goin' on, and that's gettin' drunk and playin' cards!"
"It's okay, AJ," Rainbow said, hugging Applejack in return, "she's just being a nerd. Let's be awesome and play the greatest card game ever other than Cards Against Ponanity."
Discord laughed heartily as he scooped up Applejack and Rainbow Dash under his arms, giving the two mares a firm squeeze as they wiggled in his grip to break themselves free. "That's the spirit! You see, everypony? Just let yourselves go! This is Sin City! You are young and restless, and it's time to let loose. Enjoy the world, and break away from that small town mentality that you all have been so used to for so long!"
Rainbow looked up at Discord. "Umm... me and Applejack get drunk and do stupid things all the time. It's not-"
"Be quiet!" Discord hissed. "You talk almost as much as Pinkie!"
"Am I the only mare here who has gone from concerned to excited to concerned again about this trip?" Rarity chuckled nervously.
"Isn't that half of what we think about everything we ever do, Rarity?" Twilight said, her magic thrumming to life. She pulled Applejack and Rainbow Dash from Discord's grip to place her friends onto the ground once more, her violet eyes staring into Discord's own. "So let's see this disguise you have. I'll try to be as objective as possible."
Unlike Twilight's own magic, Discord's was nearly instant, and his transformation happened as swiftly as his talons snapped together. What was formerly a mismatched deity of disharmony now looked like a unicorn who could bring most mares - if not ponies - to their knees.
Gone was anything that would make him seem like anything but a unicorn or unusual other than his charm. His coffee brown coat was smooth and fine like the most succulent of lattes. His black and white mane could either be passed off as him being middle aged or simply too refined to force himself to the normal color palette of Equestria. The trimmed white goatee on his muzzle only added to his educated guise. His cutie mark too, though being a swirl of question marks dancing through a pondering statue, would not have been out of place at a university philosophy club.
Other than being on the taller and leaner side of Equestrian stallions, his crimson eyes glowed as much as any other ponies would.
They exploded into a burning ruby the moment Rainbow's curled up wing contacted his very real testicles.
Discord had been punched in the balls.
He might have naturally defaulted his biological appearance to male, but he was more than capable of being a fully reproductive and receptive female if he so desired. That was neither here nor there. Lots of pain was there. Everywhere when he thought about it.
As an immortal being magnitudes more magically gifted then any mortal spell caster, it took little effort for him to make himself immune to pain or submerge himself in boiling water with no harm. There was a problem.
He wasn't omnipotent in this universe.
When he had transformed, he didn't think that several hundred pounds of force would come into contact with the biologically perfect testes now underneath his frame within a few seconds after taking his new form. And so he hadn't numbed his pain receptors.
Thousands of years in this dimension had not changed the fact that getting kneed in the balls hurt. A lot. A lot a lot. Across space and time a lot.
Discord went down like the stallions before him who thought they could taste Rainbow. He went down screaming in agony.
"Shit!" Discord cried, saliva bursting from his muzzle as he fell over onto his side, his erudite tongue failing him. He wailed in hellish pain, grabbing his formerly functioning foal makers with his forehooves as well as any colt naturally would when their orbs met their prostate.
"Disguise works," Rainbow smirked, retracting her martial art trained wing. "I was just checking to see if you were equipped."
The Elements of Maturity looked at each other with quiet snorts of delight, unable to hide their secret joy at seeing the god of chaos passing his litmus test of deception.
And maybe, just maybe, the six mares enjoyed a bit of dark revenge for what he had put them through over two years ago. Friendship did sometimes involve revenge, and Chrysalis had shown them a bit of violence directed at evil could be righteous fun.
"My... my... my everything!" Discord croaked, rolling over to expose himself. Whatever Aspirin summoning spell he could have used wasn't available due to his mind thinking about protecting his bits from a second kick.
Rainbow moved forward to look directly down at Discord, stroking her chin with a wing as she pushed away his forehooves from his groin. "Yeah. You're kinda hot. And hey! You are really a colt! Kinda cute too. I'd do ya after six drinks. Not sure if ya could keep up with me though."
Rarity joined Rainbow, stroking her own chin in return as she stood beside Dash. "Mmm. I'd need eight drinks myself. If I saw him I'd think that he was trying to swindle me out of my business. Although, if I was drunk enough I'd assume that he'd be lovely in the hay."
"Not my type," Applejack said, prodding Discord's stomach. He whimpered like a dog denied his bone. "He'd try to smooth talk me, and if I wanna have a good colt, I want them to just be themselves, fun lovin', and honest. But yer right: He just looks like a hipster."
"Hipsters," Pinkie Pie growled. "He does look like a hipster. All he needs is a scarf."
"But that's part of what makes him adorable," Fluttershy giggled, stroking through Discord's mane. "He acts so tough, but I bet if a really pretty mare would flirt back with him, he'd show off that soft side he's been hiding for so long."
Discord hiccuped a bit of pain. "Yes... soft side. I have one. Now-"
"I agree with Pinkie," Twilight said, walking around Discord's groaning body. "If I saw him at a casino, I would picture him to be a chronic gambler or a college drop out trying to game the system. Completely forgettable disguise to security other than laughing at his amateur attempts to win."
She tapped a forehoof onto his chest coat, Discord's eyes quivering up at Twilight as she hovered her body over his own. Her muzzle pushed into his, prodding at his chest once again. "Are you listening?"
"Listening," he squeaked.
Her horn flared to life, an orchestra of torment playing a speed metal solo on a part of his body that he never wanted to see again.
"Are you sure you are listening?" Twilight purred.
"By the Continiuum I am listening!" Discord screamed.
Twilight shunted her magic. "We control this trip. Not you. You're the tour guide, and we are the tourists who can make your life miserable. Celestia wouldn't like a bad letter from me, now would she?"
"Bad letter bad," Discord panted.
"Good!" Twilight grinned, patting the end of Discord's muzzle. "As long as you can be relatively entertaining and help Rarity and I legally win thousands of bits, everything's good. Feel free to liven things up a bit, as long as you know that it was Celestia who wanted us to bring you along to have some fun."
Her ears folded by the sides of her muzzle. "Don't make us treat you like the Cutie Mark Crusaders. Because you don't want to see us drunk and angry. We aren't... nice. If you think we're bad now-"
"When did you all become so evil!?" Discord gasped, sweat pouring down his cheeks.
Twilight grinned, her violet orbs gleaming off of the flash of a neon sign that reflected the hue of colors from not only her eyes, but those of the other Elements of Harmony.
"Who ever said good was nice?"

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          Chapter Three: Discord's Dong Dilemmas           
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Chapter Three: Discord's Dong Dilemmas
The Las Pegasus Strip was as colorful and bright as one of Pinkie Pie's acid trips, although it was significantly more coherent.
The half floating, half ground based city dominated the landscape. Massive sky-scraping casinos pulled in billions of dollars of revenue and taxes for the Equestrian nobles to keep their harems full and mistresses well paid. The lights of buildings were flashing off of every sign that sparkled off of the dozens of large hotels advertising their presence. The laughing of ponies and honking of steam carriages filled the air. The cajoles of whorses whoring their trade was both seen and not seen at the same time.
This, was Las Pegasus. This, was Sin City. This, is where adult ponies played.
And Discord had his metaphysical and physical balls in a twist.
The Elements of Harmony suckled in the sights of the city like infants seeing their parents for the first time, walking down the main strip with bursts of laughter escaping from their lungs. They pointed at buildings and advertisements, laughed at what they were planning on doing, whistled at an attractive colt they saw in the distance, and were feeling their small town mentality melt away in the wind.
Twilight was proving to Discord how incredibly lucky he was that he had not faced this side of her before. He would have turned himself back to stone instead of having to deal with the darker side of her she kept at bay, prohibiting a world ending event again.
"Your magical potential is simply astronomical, Que Que," Twilight hummed, looking back at the faintly whimpering deity. "However, I had to make sure that you kept your promise on not ruining this trip. With your magical defenses down, I just placed a questionably legal stasis spell on your testicles. Try to transform out of your current shape - or I flip the failsafe - it will result in a pain that would fry your ether glands and cause perhaps permanent spiritual psychosis!"
She talked casually, as if she was doing some science experiment with Discord's newly transformed body. That was what scared Discord the most.
He was thankful she wasn't evil. Very, very thankful.
She turned her muzzle around to laugh, flicking her mane and tail behind herself. "See? You really can outsmart a deity! Besides, I need to drink until I pass out tonight. It's one of those nights I need to put my IQ away once it's all over. A mare always has to have backup plans. At least you get to have a nice view of me though... right?"
Her ears folded by the side of her frame as her tail flicked from side to side. She had lost all of her confidence, replaced by sexual insecurity. "Am... I too fat? Does my rump look good?"
Rarity nuzzled herself beside Twilight, Rarity's horn flaring to life to summon an ethereal brush above Twilight's back. She gently pet her friend, stroking her from neck to withers. "You are wonderfully adorable and beautiful, Twilight, and don't you say otherwise! We will not allow it! Hurting Discord is one thing, but hurting yourself is unacceptable!"
"How could you say that about yourself, Twilight?" Fluttershy nuzzled into Twilight's neck supportively. "You're beautiful. I'd... umm... date you."
In another mood, Discord would not have shied away from Twilight's tail raising on instinct from the firm stroking of her back. He would be lying to many parts of himself if he did not find his once arch-enemy's hindquarters to be attractive. Currently, the last thing he ever wanted to see in the universe was anything having to do with reproductive anatomy.
Rainbow Dash joined in to support Twilight. "Hey, I'd tap your mana," she said, her wing joining the stroking of Rarity's brush. "I mean, just look at you! You're the perfect color, adorkable voice, cute mane. You got a lot going for you."
"And you don't have that, Rainbow," Twilight said. Rainbow's ears began to fold at the insult directed toward her until Twilight laughed, ruffling her friend's mane. "I meant with the mana tapping. I tend to counter or steal everything you play."
Rainbow growled loudly at Twilight. "Because your decks suck! You're such a prick when it comes to Magic."
"It's called 'tactics', Rainbow. All you do is go with Flying and Haste."
"Can ya two stop speakin' nerd and enjoy bein' in Las Pegasus?" Applejack groaned. "I'm tryin' to enjoy the sights."
"I thought you were straight, Applejack?" Rainbow purred, rubbing her thick coat into Applejack's own. "What changed? The mares on the street? Or looking at me for too long? I have that effect on woman."
As effortlessly as Twilight's magic did before, Applejack's shear strength shoved Rainbow onto her side and onto the street, causing the pegasus to burst out into a gale of laughter. "Yer're a bitch, Rainbow!"
"I didn't know when I said I wasn't to you!" Dash cackled, bursting into the air to float above her friends. Her laughter continued as Applejack stared a silent stare of hatred toward Rainbow.
"And I thought I enjoyed chaos," Discord whimpered, drudging himself behind the Elements of Harmony. He looked down at his mortal pony form and cursed himself for even thinking about getting a silent revenge on the six mares in front of him. It seemed that the third time really was the charm, wasn't it?
He needed a drink. Or several thousand.
"Don't worry, we've only become like this recently," Pinkie said, wrapping a forehoof around his side. "It started about... a year ago, because we all realized we're adults! And we can do adult like things. Like sleep with ponies! And drink. No wait... we always knew about the drinking." She waved a forehoof dismissively at her own words. "World saving is different than partying! So this is our partying side!"
Pinkie Pie laughed with abandon, squeezing Discord tightly toward her curly chest coat. "You didn't think we didn't drink, did you? Silly colt! I love making ponies and foals happy, and I can do lots of things sober, but not slam down gin and cocktails once a month?" She gaily nickered, nuzzling into his neck, "is it my fault we have Applejack Alcohol?"
Applejack grinned with pride, scoffing at her chest. "The Apple family has been makin' alcohol for Ponyville county for over sixty years. Apple hard cider, Apple beer, Apple vodka, Apple ale, Apple wine, Apple brandy, and of course, Applejack. And that don't count my family grains!"
Rainbow stuck out her tongue. "Just don't drink from her barrel. Heard it's kinda bitter, and her grains are-oww oww oww-let go of my tail!"
Applejack growled loudly as she attempted to yank Rainbow down from the sky, Rainbow neighing in protest as her tail was pulled in Applejack's mouth. "Somepony's cranky! Oww! Okay okay, I'm sorry! You are the hottest mare alive! Leave my tail alone!"
"And that, is why we drink, Mr. Que," Rarity said. "Being heroes is a job that none of us wanted, and yet the world dragged us into our current position. We love each other very much most of the time, but a mare must do what a mare must do in order to survive."
"Does that involve having your 'leader' holding me hostage when I am trying to help Celestia's little ponies have fun?" Discord spat. "Do you have any idea how rare it is for me to feel... uncomfortable?"
Rarity chortled. "She gets like that when she's a bit... nippy in her more intimate regions; not to mention that the thought of being able to control you without the Elements must feel fantastic for her."
Discord huffed loudly, his horn flashing white for only the briefest of moments. Disappearing with a snap of magic, he appeared in front of the Elements with a snort, his salt and pepper tail cracking loudly behind him. "How ungrateful you six are! What happened to your moral excellence, Twilight Sparkle? Nay, all of you!?"
"We aren't going to hurt you," Fluttershy said, looking at her friends. The six mares glanced at each other. "We aren't like that."
Fluttershy leaned forward to stroke Discord affectionately on the muzzle tip, her aqua eyes smiling at him. "I know my girlfriends have changed, but I promise you that everything's going to be alright."
"How can you say that, Fluttershy!?" Discord peaked over Fluttershy to snarl at Twilight. "Look at her! Your friend has a spell on me that could... could drive me insane! I'm already insane!"
"Colt, please," Pinkie giggled, "that's me! Insane in the membrane!"
"You don't count!" Discord shouted. "I know who you are!"
"It's for your own safety," Fluttershy said more firmly. "It's a bit extreme, but-"
"My safety!?" Discord shouted, "my safety? From who? Myself?"
The Elements of Harmony nodded their heads slowly.
Discord sputtered, flailed, hissed, and stomped in rage. "You damn... damn... damn kids!"
Pinkie Pie leaned into Applejack's ear. "I think he's mad."
"Rarity getting farted on by Rainbow Dash mad," Applejack laughed.
Rarity's ears perked up at the phrase, glaring icy destruction into Applejack's own. "What kind of turn-of-phrase is that!?"
"Something that happened during the last sleep over," Rainbow squealed. "And you thought it was thunder! Good thing it didn't smell!"
Rarity screamed hellfire as her magic flared to life, Rainbow's wings flapping loudly to prepare herself for the attack. Rarity's magic began to pull onto Rainbow's frame to bring down the pegasus, but Rainbow would have none of that.
Rainbow's wings flapped furiously to propel herself, the sheer strength of her wings putting forth a massive strain on Rarity's magic. With her anger ebbing her forward, Rarity kept her magic at full power, her horn a flaring blue until Rainbow's wings won out in the magical duel of forces. With the shattering of Rarity's ethereal force propelling the unicorn into Twilight and Pinkie Pie, Rainbow roared into the heavens as misty and colored dew danced in the air behind where she once was.
Discord and Fluttershy looked at each other as Rarity drunkenly laid on top of Twilight and Pinkie Pie, Applejack rolling around on the street as tears poured from her eyes.
"Now you see why we don't need you causing more trouble," Fluttershy hummed. "Just being around you is enough."
Twilight looked down at the cooing and incoherent Rarity, gently stroking through her friend's mane. "You should have known by now you don't have the mana reserves that Rainbow does in her wings, Rarity. You are about efficiency compared to strength like me."
"I feel... so pissed in so many ways right now," Rarity giggled gaily. "Where did Rainbow go? Where did I  go? Can I kiss you? You have such a cute stomach, sweetie."
"Mana crash high," Twilight chuckled. "Just relax, Rarity. Just think about nothing, breathe, and-"
Discord appeared beside Twilight, his marble colored magic holding a strawberry bottle. "Vitamin water," he said.
Twilight smiled. "Of course you know how to fix it, and it seems a good part of your magic is still open to you."
"A man must have his options open when he is... held captive. I have always been resourceful, and even though I could - and should - do nothing for those who hold me on this... mortal coil, perhaps you can accept this as a token of my reformed nature."
"I'll take it into consideration," Twilight said, opening the bottle and placing it on Rarity's lips.
Rarity drank from the bottle stoutly, instinct taking over her need to replenish her lost mana reserves from her friends releasing pent up stress. It was only preparing her for the almost certain intake of incredibly large amounts of alcohol, something that Rarity had a frightful amount of practice with.
Rainbow Dash soared from the heavens and curled back down toward the ground, the colors dancing behind her air stream attracting attention even over the glow of lights coming from the endless lines of casinos. By the time she landed beside Rarity, ponies had begun to look at what seemed to be a slightly drunk herd of mares and one either very lucky or very unlucky colt having to manage them all. It depended on one's' view on polygamy.
"Oww," Rainbow winced, her wings folding and flickering by the sides of her frame. "Yeah. I'm not flying far or for most of the night after that. Now that I'm grounded, that friggin hurts. Man, she went all out on me, didn't she?"
Applejack had only recently composed herself, leaning into Rainbow Dash's side for support. "I take the blame for all of that," she cooed. "And I'll pay for the bombs tonight. It was worth it. And I'd do it again."
Discord looked at Fluttershy, who seemed to be the only one of the Elements who was relatively sane at the current moment in time. "So you aren't concerned that two of your best friends could have killed each other? Surely you know that if a pony loses all of their mana..."
Fluttershy smiled, letting out a quiet giggle. "They are like that all the time, and it's really cute if you ask me. I've dealt with it for over three years, and I've become used to it. It's very silly, and nopony gets hurt in the end. Iron Will once said, 'what doesn't kill you, you can push through.'"
Discord winced at the belch of content escaping from Rarity engulfing her vitamin water. "I can tell you from thousands of years of experience that-"
Fluttershy's eyes glowed like the brightest sun reflecting off of the clearest ocean, boring into Discord's own. "You finish that sentence, you'll be seeking repentance."
Discord looked at the ponies from across the street staring at the six mares he had aligned himself with.
He said nothing. He liked living.

//-------------------------------------------------------//
       Chapter Four: Time To Shine 'O Mares Of Mine        
//-------------------------------------------------------//
Chapter Four: Time To Shine 'O Mares Of Mine
Once the Elements of Harmony were inside the Millennial Sun, things were starting to look up. Or more accurately, Discord was wondering if the day could get any worse.
He had been playing practical jokes on the world and universe for longer than he could remember, and yet six brightly colored and slightly fluffy ponies had taken him and his day captive for their own dark amusement. What they were doing to him was cruel and unusual punishment, and maybe - just maybe - in the confines of the casino, he'd be alright.
He highly doubted it.
The Millennial Sun's three towering crystal citadels topped by glowing balls of yellow plasma on each of the buildings were marvels of modern stealth technology. Connected together by clear walkways and there imperial stone foundation, it was impossible not to notice there size. Inside the buildings it was no different, as large circular walkways allowed clear and easy access from one side of the complex to the other.
A large array of patterned colors, soft carpets, modern art, and polished stone surrounded every corridor and every corner. Hundreds of creatures from all over the world were visible directly in front of them as they stared out at only the tip of the gaming floor. A swirling mixture of advertisements for the hundreds of shops in the casino were both clearly seen and easy to read, and yet they were not obnoxious to the point that they would turn a pony off.
The Elements of Harmony had never stepped inside of a casino that didn't smell slightly of stale sperm and urine. To smell nothing but purified air and free oxygen mixed together with the aromas of fresh food was tantalizing to say the least.
Their eyes looked around to suckle in the chorus of sounds and lights around them, their hooves moving on autopilot onto the game floor to blend into the crowd to the best of their abilities. Knowing them, the ruse would act for about two minutes.
The clangs of slot machines filled the air, the laughter of ponies drunk on free alcohol and their winnings only making the Elements that much more keen on wanting to test their own wits with luck.
Discord had rolled snake eyes when it came to the Elements and trying to keep them from destroying the city, and that was with them sober.
He did his best to give the Elements a tour, for trying to guide them was a hopeless cause. "This is one of the nicest casinos that I've ever been too," Discord said, trotting forward and turning around to face the six mares. "I'd put  it in my top fifty. Cleverly designed. Excellent food, and-"
Rainbow Dash felt her wings quiver by the sides of her frame, forcing herself to keep her famous and powerful appendages closed. "Oh freakin' yes," she nickered contently, "they really do pump oxygen into casinos! Oh man... I'd say it's like twenty five percent oxygen compared to twenty on the ground normally. I feel fantastic! This'll help my body totally."
Rarity snorted in the oxygen like she was inhaling cocaine, leaning into Twilight with a tittering squeal of bliss. "I bet... that all that's on your mind right now, is a certain white mare's body, Twilight," Rarity slurred.
Pinkie Pie sighed in peace, feeling the strong air wisp into her lungs and supercharge her brain. "Food sounds better then eating Rarity," Pinkie said. "She'd be a good appetizer though!"
"Pinkie!" Rainbow gagged, bonking her friend's muzzle with a wing, "that's disgusting! I don't want to think about Rarity's crotch. Or... any plot. I'm kinda worn out, and could go for the buffet right now."
"And Twilight can have the most pure buffet in history if she wants," Rarity squealed, nuzzling into Twilight. "So pure, like your coat."
Fluttershy leaned forward, staring down Discord with a radioactive glow in her eyes. Twilight's eyes soon enough followed Fluttershy's, staring him down.
"Did you spike Rarity's drink?" Fluttershy whispered darkly.
For the first time that day, Discord held his ground. He had been pushed around too far, and he was too old to be taken advantage of by some mortals who thought they could rule his day.
His fur stood up slightly on edge, as did his tail. "A water base with blended strawberries, gin, sage, protein and vitamin powder, and some salvia," he said resolutely. "Are you happy?"
Fluttershy's expression quickly relaxed back to her normally serene smile, her eyes closing in sedation. "It sounds wonderful," she said. "That should help her recover quickly. I'm happy you know your herbs too."
"I... don't mean to butt my head into Rarity bein' more stoned than Pinkie's family," Applejack said, "but ain't that kinda salvia a drug?"
"You're damn right it is!" Twilight neighed, her horn crackling to light for the swiftest of moments.
It was shut off by the loud smack of Fluttershy's wing back hoof slapping across Twilight's horn like Twilight was Fluttershy's hoe, destroying Twilight's concentration and sending her and Rarity into a slot machine.
Rarity's own stupor was made worse, but she was completely alright with being sensually massaged by three stallions from Brayzil in her mind.
Discord groaned in agony at that flickering pinch to his biology that was too close for comfort. Eons of tricking and toying with the universe died hard, even at the threat of going insane from a loophole of his own judgement.
Here he was, trying to help Rarity recover her mana reserves, and Twilight Sparkle just bursted out into a fit of rage from him going above the call of duty.
He would have to suggest to Twilight's friends several ways to deal with her pent up rage that involved creative uses of magic.
Although... that might only make her worse.
Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, and Rainbow collectively winced at the sheer impact on Twilight's horn. Cherry shards of magic splattered out of Twilight's horn as she landed on Rarity, turning her into a groaning, gurgling, incoherent mass of purple fur.
Fluttershy stomped a forehoof onto the ground. "Fuck," she spat under her breath, audible only to the four ponies around her. "I didn't mean-"
Her selective word choice soon enough registered in her brain, followed by what could have only been called a pimp smack to Twilight's horn a few seconds ago. She cried out for mercy as she became aware of her own actions, grabbing hold of Rainbow Dash as she weeped into her friend's coat.
"I killed Twilight!" she sobbed, nuzzling into Dash's thick coat. "And... and I swore! Rainbow, you need to kill me before-"
Applejack grabbed Fluttershy, shaking her rapidly in her forehooves. "Damn it, mare, ya didn't do anythin' none of us wouldn't have done."
"I would have just let Discord get his balls squeezed again," Dash smiled. "That was kinda funny."
Pinkie Pie nosed herself between her friends. "What we need, is a super, duper, ultra drug to fix this," she said, stroking through Fluttershy's mane.
Discord looked around at the crowd that had once again surrounded what clearly looked like six drunk mares dueling it out for his stallionhood. "Are you mares insane!?" he panicked. "You are supposed to be in harmony! This is worse than what you were like under my control!"
"Nice job saying to the world you're Discord, dumbass," Dash snickered.
Pinkie Pie gasped as if the greatest plot twist in entertainment history had unfolded directly in front of her, grabbing all four of the currently conscious ponies beside her. "I have done it! Good job me, thinking inside of the chimney."
The ears of Pinkie's three friends - and if Discord would admit it his own - perked up with interest, knowing that whatever unorthodox comment Pinkie was about to make would either solve nothing or everything. It was worth the risk.
"What is-" Fluttershy squeaked.
"Don't interrupt me!" Pinkie shouted. "I'm having a moment of genius! Discord can help a lot. Saving us from ourselves like we did to him!"
She squeezed her friends tightly, her puffy tail twitching rapidly behind herself as the oxygen fueled idea unfolded in her mind's eye in a manner that Twilight would have been proud of. "Alrighty! First: Discord needs to put Twilight and Rarity in a room to rest."
Discord nodded, his horn letting out a quick crackle of white lightning that made Twilight and Rarity vanish before their eyes.
"And these casinos think they can stop a basic teleport spell from me with their ether barriers," he snorted. "They have no idea what-"
"Good!" Pinkie said, pointing to the crowd that had gathered around them. She leaned forward to whisper into Discord's ear.
He nodded and stepped toward the crowd, his red eyes glowing like a bursting supernova as he scanned into the eyes of the dozens of ponies around them. If he had wanted to - and thankfully he was not a fan of mass murder - he could have turned everypony around him into melted slag with the ruby that sparkled from his gaze.
"We aren't as interesting as you think we are," he said sweetly, throwing his lush mane behind himself. "Yes, they are all the Elements of Harmony, but surely mares can't get drunk together, even if they are heroes, no?"
"H-h-he has a point," a blue unicorn stallion stumbled. "They're just college girls!"
"Exactly," Discord nodded, the fire in his eyes burning brightly as he made eye contact with everypony around him. "They were just a bit tipsy. Now, there's nothing to see here, although Miss Dash here will happily sign autographs."
Rainbow Dash nodded gently. "H-hay yeah I will! You have to have seen me on last months issue of Sports Illustrated for Foals!"
Mind control magic being used for the greater good. It was emotionally devastating if improperly used; it was far too powerful for all but the most trained and gifted creatures on most planets; it was also illegal in countless worlds and dimensions.
For once - and many times throughout life - screwing the rules was better than playing by them.
Discord was once again in his element and in control of it. He didn't like letting other ponies control what he considered his sacred ground.
Applejack ruffled a forehoof messily through Pinkie Pie's wild mane. "Well I be used by a circus trope, Pinkie Pie, you saved the day!"
"And now it's time for the final act of my plan!" Pinkie tittered, "and that is to bake a salvia weed triple chocolate lava cake with Prench vanilla ice cream, whipped cream with roasted walnuts, and liquid chocolate liquor sprinkled with LSD on the top!"
Applejack, Fluttershy, Discord, and Rainbow Dash's eyes slowly looked toward Pinkie Pie as she panted as if she was about to give birth.
"I'm totally going to start doing oxygen with my acid trips! They make me come up with the greatest ideas ever!" Pinkie whinnied, "and... yep yep! There goes my marebell ringing and wanting a ding dinging. I'm going to the potty to popo my plotieyo! I'll see you ponies in half an hour!"
Before her friends could even comment, Pinkie Pie roared down the gaming floor toward the nearest bathroom, weaving through the traffic like a practiced champion.
"Well," Rainbow said, her tongue clicking between her lips, "at least it's not as bad as that party in Cloudsdale. She liked it by the end from what I heard and saw."
"I think it's time we get drunk, pig out, buck everything, and then go play Texas Hold'em," Applejack chuckled. "As the current leader, I have come to the tactical conclusion that this situation is BUBAR, and that means that we haveta get BUBAR in return!"
Fluttershy clopped her forehooves together in excitement. "I'm going to eat so many olives that I'll likely get sick. I'm so wild."
Discord grinned deviously. Nopony could out wild him in the end. And to think, it wasn't even noon. The day was once again his own, now that the two intellectual juggernauts of the group were gone.
Nothing could go wrong now.

//-------------------------------------------------------//
        Chapter Five: Shake My Mare Back and Forth         
//-------------------------------------------------------//
Chapter Five: Shake My Mare Back and Forth
        Twilight Sparkle woke up knowing one thing for certain: The lights in her room were too, damn, bright.
She expected that being slammed into a slot machine would have knocked her out for half an hour or the entire day. Sadly, it was right between those two extremes, and she was hating how the afternoon sun chased her eyes from her open windows in her hotel room.
"Celestia damned sun!" she cursed, her vulgarity filter having taken a day off the moment she had a very small concussion from her head meeting steel. Having an I.Q of a hundred and fifty didn't in fact curb her mental usage for foal-inappropriate language. Education level had nothing to do with how much a good swear could add what a paragraph could not.
She sat herself upright from the duchess sized bed, attempting to flick her magic on to shut the binds. It only made her headache grow worse, causing her to unleash four letter curses loudly that were more akin to what a pony would hear if Rainbow Dash was called a lesbian.
Rarity awoke quickly from the language her best friend spewed casually, anger flaring in her sapphire eyes as she set her gaze on Twilight. "Twilight! How-"
Rarity joined the yelping that Twilight made from the burning sun that sought to rein hellfire with their pounding heads. "Shut the bloody blasted window!" Rarity spat.
"You do it!" Twilight said, shoving Rarity onto her side. "My head freaking hurts!"
"Oh and mine doesn't feel like I've been sodimized by narcotics?" Rarity said, shoving Twilight in return.
"Just shut up and do it!" Twilight shot back, glaring into Rarity's eyes. "As your leader-"
"Bite my white arse, Twilight. If I wanted you to order me about, whip, and shag me I'd be drunk on gin and-"
Twilight tackled Rarity off of the bed and onto the ground, Twilight's flat tail lashing behind herself as she straddled her friend's stomach. "As a recent sufferer of a minor concussion, I would like to inform you that my emotional control has been slightly compromised. And so I order you to shut that bucking window before I do think about creative ways to have my way with you."
Rarity rolled Twilight onto her back, causing her to whinny as Rarity locked Twilight's hind legs between her groin. "Do you think you can just... use me in such a manner? I'm pretty high too you know." Rarity snorted. "And as adorable as you are, you wouldn't know a thing about being a proper top in bed, now would you?"
"I've read plenty of books on sexual flirtation and positions," Twilight huffed, folding her forehooves across her chest.
"I see that reading about sex is the same as having sex now," Rarity cackled.
She purred darkly into Twilight's ear. "Oh the rush I feel having a virgin little flower underneath me and being doped up on drugs is ecstatic! I should get drugged up more often!"
Twilight blinked rapidly, prodding her friend's chest. "I want you to repeat the sentence you just said in your head several times over, and realize that this is most likely only going to be the beginning of tonight."
Rarity shuffled in place, her curled tail flicking behind herself. Her eyes and expression relaxed as she let out a quiet gasp, covering the end of her muzzle.
"Oh... dear," Rarity said. "While I do not regret cursing at you, saying that I want to be drugged up and used as a sex slave was a thought I should have kept only to my fantasies."
Twilight tilted her muzzle. "Uhh... you just admitted that you wanted it to happen again."
"I did not ask for your input on my stress relieving fantasies!" Rarity neighed, shoving her forehooves into Twilight's chest. "What do you know about sex anyways?"
"I won't tell you what I can do with tentacles and your body if you don't shut that stupid window!" Twilight said.
She rolled her eyes dismissively. "And me? A virgin? Magic has done a lot to fix that."
"Well I guess that bloody window is staying open then, isn't it?" Rarity snarled. "You just admitted that you can use sexual magic, so your threat is baseless! What's the point of closing it now?"
"Fine!" Twilight tapped her forehooves on her chest. "I just won't go into graphic detail about how much they tickle you if you leave that window open. Horrible existence, isn't it, Rarity?"
"Hay and damnation it is!" Rarity pouted. "And since you won't close it, I won't tell you about how much fun it would be to see you plastered, stumbling about and held up by thick cloth, just waiting to be tickled and squeezed by me."
"Don't tell me then." Twilight rumbled.
"I won't." Rarity snorted.
Although the two Elements' argument could have ended there naturally, it didn't. They looked away from each other and at the walls and ceiling for a few moments, ignoring the compromising and scandalous position that they had put themselves in.
They were about to continue into another tyraid about how the window was still open when their snouts impacted together. Muzzle to muzzle and lips to lips they pressed forcefully together as they stared at each other wide eyed. Soon enough, their eyes shut as their saliva flickering tongues met and dueled between their lips, sending out incoherent groans into the air.
"Now isn't that much better?" Fluttershy said, shutting the windows and binds as she looked down at her two friends, hovering over them like a guardian angel.
The kiss between Twilight and Rarity stopped, the two unicorns opening their eyes slowly as they looked at the serenity that filled Fluttershy's smile.
Their lips broke apart at a snails pace, a thick bridge of saliva connecting Twilight's lips to Rarity's.
"I'm so happy that you two finally showed how much you care for each other," Fluttershy said, clopping her forehooves together. "I-"
"You pushed our snouts together!" Twilight said, splattering Fluttershy's muzzle with spittle.
"I was only helping," Fluttershy said, wiping away saliva from her eyes.
"By forcing us to kiss?" Rarity said, sending the other spit bridge across Fluttershy's snout.
Fluttershy huffed, wiping off her face once more. "Look, I think you are over-"
"Rarity tongue raping me isn't overeacting," Twilight coughed.
"Tongue raping you?" Rarity said. "My tongue has been properly trained in the art of dueling with another ponies' tongue. You were the one flailing about like an infant."
Twilight grabbed Rarity's chest coat, shaking her violently. "Because you were pushing into it in places I didn't even know existed! That's the definition of tongue rape. I couldn't breathe, and you were choking me."
"Mare, I was trying to have a waltz with you but you stumbled about like you do when dancing," Rarity said. Her forehooves grabbed Twilight's coat in return, the two mares growling at each other.
"Stop, fighting!" Fluttershy pushed herself between Twilight and Rarity, shoving her two friends away from each other.
"You started it." Rarity and Twilight shouted at Fluttershy.
Fluttershy grabbed Twilight and Rarity in her forehooves. "Can't you girls see I'm trying to get my two best friends together since I can't be with either of you?"
Rarity's expression softened, her ears folding by the sides of her muzzle. "That... would explain the mud massages."
"And how you like to nuzzle into me when I read a book out loud," Twilight said, stroking her own mane nervously.
"And the dark chocolates," Rarity chuckled.
"And Pinkie's cinnamon rolls," Twilight smiled.
Fluttershy wrapped a wing around Rarity and Twilight, nuzzling into their cheeks. "I knew that my lifestyle and animals would hurt you two trying to concentrate on your work, and I accepted that what compromises you would have to make for me would be selfish of me. So I told myself that to make me happy, I'd try to get you two together, since it would be the two mares who I love the most sharing their lives together."
Rarity and Twilight looked at each other in silence, blinking rapidly as they listened to the delightful sigh that danced out of Fluttershy's muzzle.
Rarity might have been slightly stoned and drunk, and Twilight might have had a bit of brain damage, but they mutually agreed on one thing that didn't involve getting more drunk to solve their problems.
"That's... kinda creepy, Fluttershy," Twilight said.
Fluttershy's expression changed quickly, her mako colored eyes slowly looking into Twilight's. "C-c-creepy?"
"Not the whole, 'I have a crush on my friends but I'm too shy to say it but I'll act on it'," Rarity said, petting Fluttershy supportively on the back. "Completely and totally understandable."
Twilight joined Rarity, stroking Fluttershy's shoulder. "And not really the, 'I'll have my two crushes date so I can be happy if they are happy'."
"Was it the part that Discord and I spiked your herb water?" Fluttershy whimpered.
"I was going to say when you knocked us out to get us together to have emotionally bonding sex because our emotional controls are compromised, but drugging us up without our consent... we'll just add that to the list too."
Fluttershy landed on the ground, her wings limp by her side as tears welled up in her eyes. "I... I shouldn't have acted so uncontrollably. I wanted to try something not so... me, and I guess I went too far?"
Rarity wrapped her forehooves firmly around Fluttershy's frame, giving her a tight hug. "How can we be angry at you, Fluttershy? Even when you do things that would end friendships you mean them in the best of ways! Besides, you have around two years of those points saved up, so you are forgiven."
Twilight hugged Fluttershy, joining Rarity in the shared affection. "That's the beauty of friendship: You forgive your friends even when they do horribly unethical things. We would have disowned Rainbow three years ago if she hadn't saved our lives twice."
"And we would be beating her to a pulp if she had orchestrated this," Rarity said.
Fluttershy nickered contently, her tail swishing behind herself in glee. "It's a good thing it was me who told her to make you mad, Rarity. I've set a horrible example, and I'm glad that I received all the punishment. I deserve it."
"You... really went all out with the planning didn't you, Fluttershy?" Twilight asked.
"Mmhm! I asked Discord to help bring you two together, and we planned on going to San Andalus, but Pinkie Pie suggested we write to Celestia about how stressed we all are and she suggested Las Pegasus instead."
"And... Applejack?" Rarity said.
Fluttershy giggled. "She wasn't involved at all. She would have told us to stop."
"Good advice," Rarity growled.
"And we would have got away with it too, if it wasn't for a pesky butter colored pegasus!"
Fluttershy, Rarity, and Twilight turned toward the bed to look at the unicorn form of Discord and Pinkie Pie pouting at them. Both Pinkie Pie and Discord had folded their forehooves across their chests, scowls planted resolutely on their muzzles.
Twilight opened her muzzle. "How-"
"He can teleport," Rarity said.
"You betrayed us, Fluttershy," Pinkie said. "We had this worked out, and you spilled the beans. I don't think I've ever said this in the history of ever, but this is your fault, Fluttershy!"
"How could you throw away all of the effort that I put into this?" Discord weeped into Pinkie's coat, nuzzling into the stroking of his mane. "If you had just let them fight it out..."
"Yeah! Let's fighting love, Fluttershy." Pinkie Pie spat on the bed in disgust. "Let's fighting love!"
Twilight blinked. "Umm... Pinkie. That's not even a coherent sentence."
"But it's so true!" Fluttershy cried into Twilight's coat. "This is all my damn fault. I shouldn't have done it, and I shouldn't have made you two kiss, and I shouldn't have said I did any of it. I'm-"
"I was just kidding," Pinkie said. "We all-"
Fluttershy gasped. "Oh, shit. I swore again. Oh, buck, again!"
The other four ponies in the room winced in agony as Fluttershy let out a high pitched scream of anger.
"Alcohol," she panted. Sweat dripped down her coat as she frantically looked around the bedroom, ignoring the concerned gazes of her peers. "Nervous breakdown. Drinking to forget Angel level breakdown. Need-wine cooler!"
"Fluttershy." Twilight held onto Fluttershy, only to be shoved away by her as Fluttershy galloped toward the wine fridge. "Alcohol-"
"-will solve every problem that we are having for everypony other than ourselves," Rarity said, holding Twilight down. She giggled gaily. "Besides, she's extremely fun to be around pissed out of her withers."
"The excellent morality of Rarity Gemma, mares and gentlecolts," Twilight sighed.
With a precision and grace that could only be considered frightful, Fluttershy slammed down four shots of Haysinki vodka like Marescow nobility after a profit margins call.
As soon as she was finished showing off her more than respectable drinking prowlness, she shook her muzzle to let out a feral, wild nicker that was exactly what a pony would let out after burning their throat consuming vodka.
Her wings spread behind her back to dig through her mane, flattening out the curls and pulling her pink hair loose into a long, flowing waterfall.
With the curls gone, she shook her snout once more, picking up the bottle of vodka like a pirate celebrating a successful plunder, and took a firm chug, slamming it down with a happy grunt.
What looked into her glowing eyes were three ponies and one demigod who were left in awe at Fluttershy's special talent that was thankfully not her cutie mark.
"Yay!" Fluttershy laughed. "I'm going to forget everything soon!"
"You know, normally I'm totally cool with this," Pinkie Pie said, "but considering I'm high on LSD and that means I'm completely within the slightly normal normalness of a twenty year old party loving mare, Fluttershy, you need to simma down now."
Fluttershy folded her ears. "Was... I too wild?"
"Don't swear!" Twilight shouted, pressing her nose into Fluttershy's. "You were just fine, Fluttershy. Pinkie Pie is just jealous she can't keep up with you."
Pinkie Pie slowly stood up, walking off of the bed toward Twilight. "Did... did you just say you think you can out drink me?"
"I didn't say that!" Fluttershy cried, cowering behind Twilight.
"I think I can," Twilight grinned, her violet eyes staring into Pinkie's own. "And in fact, I think I know exactly how we can solve this and get revenge on you all for setting us up. Let's settle this. Like true adults and best friends."
Rarity sighed dramatically. "The-"
"Bitch, we weren't talking to you!" Pinkie shot at Rarity, stabbing a forehoof at her. "This is Twilight insulting my ability to drink. And now that I'm high from drugs and from somewhere between six and eleven male gendered objects from my potty patrol, you don't challenge me to drinking. Or... ever-but I'm not nice about it now!"
Rarity galloped toward Pinkie Pie, her horn and snout lowered in an attempt to impale Pinkie. With a wince from her neck Twilight's magic flared to life, causing Rarity to slam into a thin sheet of red magic. She slid down the construct with a wet plop.
Discord was currently in the bathroom, squealing with childish delight despite having lost control of his bladder.
Twilight stared down Pinkie Pie, a dark grin spreading across her muzzle as she grabbed Fluttershy from behind herself. "We all have been injured, and while you two have a running start with handicaps, you are an earth pony, Pinkie. I think though that from a practical standpoint this is an even match."
Pinkie Pie growled like a dog. "I don't understand city folk. All I understand is plot whoppin' an' lager knocking."
Twilight groaned softly. "You, Fluttershy, team one. Me, Rarity, team two. First team to pass out loses. If we win, you and Fluttershy sleep together. If you win, Rarity and I will."
"I didn't ask for any of this!" Rarity sobbed, weeping onto the floor. "First I learn that Rainbow farted on me last month, and then Fluttershy spiked my drink, and then Twilight wants to molest me with tentacles, and now I'm being dragged into a drinking contest without my consent!? What did I do to deserve this lot in my life!?"
"And don't forget that Pinkie Pie told us about her getting used in a casino bathroom," Fluttershy giggled, licking Rarity's cheek. "I wish I would have the courage to do that. I just walked around and looked at all the artwork as Dash and Applejack went to the buffet and got drunk."
Pinkie Pie gasped in disbelief, squishing her snout into her own neck. "You mean I had to use complete strangers instead of Twilight's magical monsters!? Now I really do have to beat you."
She prodded Twilight rapidly on the muzzle. "You're supposed to be my friend, Twilight Sparkle. And you let strange-oh yeah you were knocked out!"
Pinkie Pie broke out into violent hysterics, falling over onto her side as painful laughs coughed out of her lungs.  "You... you were just... pimp smacked by Fluttershy. And... and it looked like Rarity and you were passed out from coke!"
Rarity twitched violently, her blue eyes flickering and winkling as she clenched her head in pain. "Purge thought. Purge thought. Can't purge. Can't purge-Okay I'm up for a drinking contest!"
She pressed her muzzle into Pinkie's, blowing out a plume of air from her snout. "It, is, on! I will destroy you, you fat furball."
"Yay for free alcohol!" Fluttershy squealed.
"Except... for the bottle she just opened and drank a quarter of," Rarity chuckled dryly.
"Are you trying to make her swear again, Rarity?" Twilight said.
Discord left the bathroom, tears sniffing down his cheeks for more reasons than one. Releiving a bladder that he didn't often have was only a minor pleasure.
"This... this is the greatest moment of my life," he choked, snorting back tears. "I have played you all for foals, and... and the reward. I just... there are no words. No, words, my little ponies."
He laid himself down on the ground, kowtowing in front of Twilight. "I accept insanity and the possibility of causing the destruction of this world for seeing only the tip of what repressed hormones you all have held back."
Twilight glanced between her three friends and Discord.
The smile that covered her snout made the most sadistic side of Pinkie Pie's personality die that night.
"Discord has to drink two shots for every one each team drinks, and if he passes out first, we can take turns using him tonight."
The lip quivering horror that covered Discord's snout made the most sadistic side of his own personality die that night.
"A-a-and if I win?" Discord whimpered.
"Then you are completely drunk, alone for tonight, and have to be reminded what having a mortal body is like of course!" Twilight smiled.
Rarity clicked her tongue between her teeth. "I did say eight shots until Discord looks appealing. And I am not a fan of getting on your evil side, Twilight."
"And a sex slave does sound nice," Pinkie said, stroking the end of her chin.
Fluttershy flapped her wings in excitement. "Then let's go downstairs and-"
Rainbow's voice echoed from the hallway. "-drink, AJ. Listen, I get that you're looking for a colt after Pecan Pie, and Pinkie isn't a great date planner, but sheesh, you didn't have to have thirteen drinks in two hours."
"Ya don't know what it's like, ya butch slut, and it was only seven," Applejack sobbed. "L-lucky seven! I can't go whorin' around like ya do! I gots an honor to leave behind."
"No... I had seven, and twice as much food as you. You were too busy drinking to eat. And come on; you know I'm not that loose. That's Pinkie's job."
Pinkie growled, her tail twitching in agitation. "Last time I'm giving her a clopjob."
"I remember you being better on drugs but it could just be the parties blurred a lot of things out," Rarity whimpered. "Now you just have no filter at all."
Applejack snorted air through her nose drunkenly. "I need a stallion to fill me till I'm a... a... pecan pie!"
She hiccuped, belching out a hurricane of air a second later. "Yeah. Heh. Ya see, ya got it easy, cause... cause you eat pony pie, and I don't. So ya got options."
Rainbow groaned. "Because my nimbus goes where there's hot tail, and your barn door swings one way, and there's nothing wrong with that?"
"Well fart me a lullaby through a flugelhorn, Rainbow, cause that door is slappin' my marehood like your tail does to a moist... mare... hood."
Twilight laughed. "I didn't know listening to these two was so fun."
"Nice joke fail, Applejack," Rainbow laughed. "Now let's check on Twi' and Rares to make-woah-oww!"
Applejack and Rainbow Dash slammed into the door, Applejack's frame sliding down the closed door.
"You're on my hind leg!" Rainbow said. "Now get off of me. And... why are you looking at me like I'm peanut butter cheesecake?"
"Hey, Dasha, I gots... I gots me a better joke," Applejack hiccuped. "Do... do ya wanna hear it?"
"C-c-can you get off of me, stop staring at me, and stop stroking my cutie mark?" Rainbow gulped.
"A-a-apples are red, and so are yer eyes-"
"-actually they are magenta, which is a reddish p-mmmmmphh!"
"Now shove your tongue between my-ahhhh you're as good as ya say you-ohhh neally I like mares now!"
Pinkie Pie pulled firmly onto Discord's chest coat, staring down his unicorn form. "Discord, Solaris bar, warp one, engage!"
Four ponies disappeared to leave Applejack in her drunken heaven, with a mare between her legs, in a hotel walkway.
It was an average night in Las Pegasus.

//-------------------------------------------------------//
     Chapter Six: Virgin Ears and Clean Mouths Nomore      
//-------------------------------------------------------//
Chapter Six: Virgin Ears and Clean Mouths Nomore
Twilight Sparkle woke up.
It was pretty much the only thing that she was positive of at the current moment, and the evidence for being awake was sketchy at best.
That evidence grew more concrete when she felt the budding urge to puke rising up in her mouth. That usually wasn't a feeling that one had when they were dreaming. And as the moments passed, that urge grew.
Instinct had taught her not to open her eyes quickly in Las Pegasus, and so with one gentle peek, her left eye opened.
Darkness. As much darkness as curtain covered windows would hide in a city that never slept, but darkness nevertheless.
A headache that made her want to sob and listen to a Linkin Park album to sum up her woes? Check.
An urge to vomit worse than her ears screaming for a different kind of music other than Linkin Park? Check.
The smell of sex and alcohol in the room that needed to have its air purifier turned on? Check.
Having only the tiniest bit of memory at what happened during the prior day? Check.
At least Rarity laid over her, drooling profusely into Twilight's chest coat and acting as perhaps the best blanket that Twilight had ever felt.
Her left forehoof happened to have been resting on Rarity's right flank cheek, and for reasons unknown, she gave that white plot a squeeze.
She could tell by the moisture levels hitting her hoof tip why the room did in fact smell of sex.
"Oh my gosh I just-"
What coherent sentence Twilight was about to shout out had been replaced by her screaming out sentences that would have been more apt for afternoon paternity test television shows.
Her eyes shooting open, her brain churning to life, her body twitching awake, and her voice coming alive all sent forth a united shock and awe bombardment of pain throughout her snout that had reached a nuclear reaction level threshold.
It was unsurprising that it awoke Rarity, who too joined Twilight in putting two mares fighting over the bloodline of their second and forth foal in front of a live studio audience to shame. They grabbed, yelled, rolled over, punched, shook, and bit each other; they were also completely unaware of the horncuff that gave them only two feet of movement space between them.
It didn't stop them from throwing about language that would have got them banned from their own homes, nor from turning the sweat and musk covered mattress into an improvised boxing ring.
The fight lasted for about a minute, until Rarity and Twilight realized that they had an object tying them together, and the stainless steel horncuff wasn't going to be coming off with how the two unicorns were in no state to cast magic for about the next decade.
They were in fact, about to cast out enough vomit for the next decade.
Silently agreeing to draw a truce, both of the mares stood up together, galloped toward the bathroom with a unity that would have been envious at a tag team race, and mutually voided their stomachs.
For about ten minutes.
Applejack woke up, and felt pretty damn decent.
Sure, she was sexually tired, hungover, had learned that she liked being molested and molesting mares, and she had seen herself and her friends at their moral worst, but it was at these times of weakness that friendship stood its strongest.
As she stood in front of the vending machine outside if her room getting more cans of Yeehaw! chocolate drink than she should have, she pondered as much as she could at what she had just pondered, pondering her ponderings.
If testing the future limits of friendship meant getting extremely drunk and having the remote possibility of six twenty year old mares getting into a repressed love orgy, she could get used to the idea. Her extended family lived by that motto to begin with, and she had faced enough demigods and life threatening scenarios for her own good.
Besides, there was nothing like an orgy to relax after a good long work season.
She just had to block out her cousin Braeburn as much as possible.
At least Rainbow Dash did an excellent job at blocking those memories out during the afternoon.
And night.
She balanced the four cans of fake chocolate effortlessly on her hat, despite the moderately severe hangover that she had. She had earth pony kidneys and liver, her heavier weight, and her experience going for her. With food, water, and a good night sleep the hangover would be nothing more than a faint headache by tomorrow morning.
The darker side of Applejack's personality came to life, causing her to cackle in delight as she bumped one of the cans into a forehoof, snapping open the tab at the thought of her friends suffering crippling headaches. Her own headache was slowly ebbing away as her body churned to life, the natural earth pony magic that supercharged her kinds' organs refueling her blood and body with the vitamins it needed.
She pulled back the can, drinking all of its sugary and processed chocolate flavored water in one long chug, belching loudly into the hallway in delight. "Damn it feels good ta be alive!"
Disregarding the usual inability for her extended family to do anything outside of country dancing, Applejack did a moderately decent moon-trotting shuffle back to her room.
The hangover, sex, sugar, and fatigue highs all chaining together gave the normally morally clean farmer a buzz that soothed her weary soul.
It was ten P.M, and she was hungover, dancing, and had learned that she was sexually attracted to her own gender.
It was an average night in Las Pegasus.
Applejack had begun to walk back to the room that Rainbow Dash and Applejack had taken for their own, until Rarity and Twilight came bursting out of their own room, immediately hollering at Applejack for her attention.
From right next door.
The shock made Applejack whinny in surprise as her hat fell off of her head, sending the three cans onto the floor. One of the carbonated drinks decided to give Rarity a wake up call from Tartarus, bursting open the moment it landed on the floor.
What shot out of it could have only be considered a water hose powered stream of ice-cold processed liquid blasting into Rarity's left eye.
Rarity screamed in agony as she fell over onto her side, the horncuff pulling Twilight on top of her, amplifying her wailings.
"My bloody eye!" Rarity said.
"I didn't mean it," Applejack said. "You scared-"
Applejack's eyebrow perked up at the horncuff that linked her two friends together, doing her best to ignore the ear screeching screams that Rarity was legendary at making. It wasn't easy. Farm animals had trained Applejack moderately well.
Normally there was a good chance Applejack would have responded to the situation in a calm, friendly, and helpful manner that she was well known by. Even seeing her two friends chained in such a manner would have only resulted in her smiling, fixing the problem, and then laughing at the absurdity of it afterwards.
She wasn't normal tonight.
Applejack fell over onto her side, snorting and squealing out laughter, her hind legs kicking the floor in glee. "Ya... ya got a horncuff on yer heads."
"No shit," Rarity neighed, wiping her water filled eye clean. "Tell me something I don't know. Like what happened after Discord teleported us."
"Hay if I know!" Applejack said. "I was busy-"
"-shagging Rainbow." Rarity clopped her forehooves together. "Congratulations on releasing your repressed lesbian urges, Applejack, because frankly I don't give a damn at the moment."
Twilight's violet eyes glared sharply into Rarity's own.
"Rarity! Language! Applejack doesn't know anything. And if I may ask for a request, can you please stop yelling in my ear? I'm trying to get the naproxen to work."
Rarity nickered angrily. "You're right, Twilight. Because she was too busy screwing Rainbow to learn anything other than sex positions. So would you kindly remove these from our horns, Applejack, considering I doubt we have the key?"
"Got yerself a hayuva potty mouth goin' on there, Rarity," Applejack giggled. "I think ya need a Yeehaw! ta clean it. Why should I help ya after ya insult me?"
"Piss off," Rarity hissed.
Twilight pat Rarity on the muzzle "We both are... relatively severely hungover, purged our stomachs of contents I didn't even know we had." She chuckled nervously. "And if you can't notice by the smell, we might have had a lot of... uhh... 'friendship' last night."
"Today," Applejack smiled. "It's only ten at night. And I think most of us did. But I gotta ask: Why in the hay do ya have that on yer horns?"
"If I knew, I'd tell you," Twilight grumbled. "Thankfully it's not a magical one, otherwise..."
Applejack couldn't help but feel her grin grow wider across her muzzle. "So how can I help? Without a key, that steel is locked on yer horns."
"If you could at least break the chain, we can wait till we find Discord, or until we become more coherent in the next few days to break it off."
"Fabulous," Rarity tittered. "My beautiful horn has to have a steel ring on its base. Now if it were silver and pretty I'd be happy for a change, but no, it just had to be steel. Oh and we'll forget about the dangling chains that still hang from it when you break it. Those are absolutely in fashion right now."
Applejack tilted her muzzle. "Is she always this pissy after sex?"
"I hope not," Twilight sighed, grabbing one of the non-spoiled cans of Yeehaw!. "Otherwise, I feel sorry for her past dates."
"Well this is the last time I make anything for free or discounted for anypony other than Fluttershy ever again," Rarity grunted.
Twilight tapped her forehoof loudly on her Yeehaw! can. "You know... I'm very tempted to open this can on you if you don't cheer up, Rarity."
Rarity's arctic eyes burned into Twilight's. "Do it and I will kidney kick you until you internally bleed to death."
"Will you shut up already?" Twilight growled. "I'm doing my best not to be like you. You're like a Chihuahua."
Applejack rolled her eyes. "The only way I can do this without breakin' a jaw or the wall is with ya both layin' down 'n hangin' over a table."
Twilight nodded. "The impact of your kick would go up and you'd have the best-"
She winced at the sudden flash of pain pounding through her skull at thinking about physics. "It works," she said. "Just... let's do this so I can take a shower."
"Ya two don't wanna shower together?" Applejack winked.
Twilight and Rarity blinked slowly up at Applejack.
Applejack laughed heartily, pulling up Twilight and Rarity onto their legs. "What the hay happened to us?"
"Oh you know: Repressing the stress that saving the world and Ponyville several times over and unleashing it on one poorly planned trip," Twilight said.
"I forgot Fluttershy planned this!" Rarity laughed. "And there goes her discount too."
"Please, Applejack," Twilight said, her ears folding by the sides of her muzzle, "you're my only hope."
"Unintentional quo-wooah bad idea!"
Pinkie Pie slid from Applejack's room as if she were a cart drifting around a corner. At least, she attempted too.
Her body - for better or worse - had to follow the rules of biology when it came to alcohol, and her ability to alter the laws of physics were currently on hold from her hangover.
Pinkie Pie slammed into the lobby wall, her frame spinning around from the impact as she landed on the floor with a painful groan echoing out of her muzzle.
"Oww," she sniffled, "my tailbone."
"Pinkie! Are you okay?" Twilight said, yanking on the horncuff to pull Rarity up. "Do we need to take you to a hospital?"
Pinkie Pie sniffled once again, laying down on her side. "No. Just... going into shock. Pain. Hurts. Nothing's broken! Oww. Gimme three minutes. I'm walking everywhere now."
"We're supposed ta be morally pure," Applejack said, stroking through her own mane. "We're-"
Twilight broke out into a loud, crackling laugh, her three friends turning their gazes toward her as the walls around her vibrated. "Harmony and pure aren't the same thing! When did being the good guys mean we had to be perfect? As if you and Rainbow beating up that colt last fall was, 'morally pure', Applejack?"
"That bastard called Rarity the C word!" Applejack spat. "Now all of us gots ourselves a case of the bitches from time ta time, but that's a word ya never say ever, more so in front of me and Dasha."
"You broke his hind leg, fractured his forehoof,  two ribs, bruised him profusely and gave him a concussion before we had to pull you two off of him!"
Rarity smiled. "I thought it was rather chivalrous of them, personally."
"Pardon my Equish, Twilight," Pinkie said, pulling herself up, "but... he was... kinda a dick. To everypony. Like, everypony. He was flirting with every mare, and he got really drunk. At least we just flirt with ponies until they tell us to stop. He's like that gothic guy who comes to the wedding and everypony wonders what they are doing there."
Twilight groaned. "Okay, I'm starting to hate you all right now. I can see why Rarity's herself turned up to twenty right now."
Applejack nosed Rarity and Twilight's rumps. "Come on ta my room, I bet it smells nicer since I used air spray. And... I showered."
"Speaking of that," Rarity said, turning her muzzle toward Pinkie Pie, "how in the world did-"
"Do you really want to know?" Pinkie said, pulling herself up onto her legs. She limped toward Rarity, shaking her muzzle. "Even I don't know how I got under their bed. I just remember us all passing out after the drinking contest."
"So we did at least do that," Rarity said, nosing her way inside of Applejack's room. "Who won?"
Pinkie Pie shrugged. "We stopped counting. Eventually we just wanted to not think about Applejack and Dashie slamming vagagies."
Applejack laughed, stomping a forehoof onto the floor. "And-"
"Don't finish that damn sentence," Twilight snapped.
"Ya two need to have soap in yer mouths," Applejack snorted. "It's supposed ta be me and Dasha with the toilet mouths."
Twilight closed her eyes. "I'm twenty, I'm hungover, I'm tired, I'm chained to Rarity, it's just us, and I've repressed it for too long. I grew up around the Royal Guards, remember? 'Royal' language is something they don't have."
Rarity pecked Twilight on the lips. "Now you see how I feel! My father was a college football coach, and things pass on despite my attempts for them not too."
Applejack blinked as she cleared off the work desk in her room. "Bondin' at the weirdest of moments."
Pinkie Pie looked around the completely average Las Pegasus hotel room. A duchess sized bed, a sitting table, a nice television, and other completely hotel like things were unsurprisingly in the room. "Where's Rainbow?"
Applejack pulled the table toward the center of the room, tilting her head toward the bed. "Most likely tryin' to sleep. I kinda tamed the lightnin' last night, and I'm not even sure she can walk, ta be honest."
Rainbow Dash pulled her head up from her pillow, her bloodshot eyes out of focus as she stared at the wall behind her friends. "No, I can't. And seriously, I'm so glad that air freshener is covering up my beer farts."
"Classy as always, Rainbow Dash," Rarity said, slapping her tail against the wall. "I see that this is the reason why we usually sleep in so late after our parties or just go back to our own homes."
"If... if you had to go through what Applejack put me through, then you'd want to fart in bed too," Rainbow groaned, rolling out of her sheets.
"Please, Applejack," Rarity whimpered. Her eyes quivered rapidly. "You're my only hope from Rainbow Dash."
Rainbow laid on her side, burying her muzzle into her bed. "Can't you all just leave me alone? I'm not gonna chase after you, or do anything. Can't I sleep until the morning?"
"I feel like I'm the only one here who's got their barrels in a row!" Applejack slammed her snout onto the table loudly. "I should be the leader when the world ain't ending from now on."
Twilight stabbed a forehoof into Applejack's side. "You're second in command, and if Rarity and I have to whip you to remind you of that, we will."
Laying beside Rainbow on the bed, Pinkie Pie gulped down a burp. "I'm pretty normal. I got high, filled, drunk, and then had my tailbone slammed into my back. I'm in too much pain to be me right now."
Rainbow grabbed Pinkie Pie, causing Pinkie to squeak as Rainbow nuzzled into her curly side coat. "Just stay there, Pinks, so I can sleep. We'll pull some pranks two days from now."
"My point stands," Applejack said, slapping the table. "Now get yer butts up on here so ya two can walk, clean up, and we can all go back ta bed."
Rarity and Twilight pulled themselves up onto the wooden table, hanging their snouts over the edge to let the steel chain connecting their horns snap between them.
"Uhh... is this really a good idea?" Pinkie said, stroking idly through Rainbow Dash's mane. "I mean, being hungover, and doing lots of physical stuff isn't exactly the best idea in the history of ideas. I should know, cause me and Rainbow are experts on this. And... are you... purring, Rainbow?"
Applejack barked in delight, lining up her right hind leg with the chain. "I know, right? She's like a kitty cat when ya break her in like a dog. She's lost all the fight 'n her and just wants ta be held and cuddled. It's adorable."
Pinkie Pie scratched a hoof firmly into the base of Rainbow's mane, watching her friend rumble in content. "Mother of Celestia. Rainbow is a kitty!"
Dragging her hooves deeply through Rainbow's thick coat, Pinkie Pie squealed as she listened to Rainbow's throat purring her approval.
"Who's a good pony?" Pinkie giggled, stroking Rainbow's cheeks. "You are!"
"Applejack," Rarity said flatly, "I need you to end my life. Knowing now that Rainbow Dash secretly wants to be treated as a pet is a horror I can not stand to live with. You have always been dependable, even when I insult you and think you are a barbarian, and-"
Applejack's right hind leg shot forth from her crouched position with the well trained precision and strength that it had done a thousand times before. From all of her years of hard labor, her muscular flank cheeks propelled her hoof straight at the thin steel chain.
As expected, the chain could not resist the sheer force of Applejack's hoof on it, cracking and splitting clean in half after only one kick. For the sake of everypony in the room, that was good.
What wasn't good was that the amount of alcohol that Applejack had consumed in addition to her fatigue had not hurt her strength in a crisis. It did however, hurt her accuracy.
The left third of her hoof struck Twilight's cheek, sending the freed unicorn tumbling onto the table with a howl of pain.
"My bucking tooth!" Twilight cried. "You broke my bucking tooth!"
The other Elements of Harmony leapt forward as Twilight coughed loudly, gasping for air as she choked on her molar. She spat it out of her muzzle violently, swallowing down her bloody saliva.
"Nice freakin' job, Appleass," Rainbow said, grabbing Applejack harshly. "You could have friggin broke Twilight's jaw. So did you guys just, like, sedate me so you could do something mega stupid?"
Rarity wrapped her forehooves around Twilight, cradling Twilight in her arms.
"How could you, Applejack!?" Rarity sobbed. "You could have killed her! Why didn't you let Rainbow come up with a better idea?!"
She stroked through Twilight's mane firmly, motherly cooing into her ear. "It's okay, Twilight. Rarity's here to protect you from the evil Applejack."
"Ya ordered me ta do it, damn it," Applejack neighed, stomping a forehoof onto the ground. "And the hay was I supposed ta do?!" she said, shoving Rainbow onto the bed.
Rainbow slapped her tail loudly on the bed, growling up at Applejack. "I don't know, call maintenance? So you guys just walked in here and thought, 'hay, let's buck that chain drunk'. Ever freakin' think of calling the people used to this crap? Even I'd think of that drunk."
Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Applejack, and Twilight sat in silence.
Except for Twilight, who had set a weekly record of curse words in less than an hour.
"I guess it's time we play the idiot game!" Pinkie cheered. "And... it's us! Yay! Woo..."
"Yeah," Rainbow huffed, pulling the sheets over her frame. "So as a present of you all being idiots and me not being one, can you all just buck off and let me sleep? That's the one smart thing I'm gonna think of in the next week. So let me-"
"Fluttershy and Discord!"
Rainbow, Rarity, Applejack, and Pinkie turned their muzzles to stare at Twilight, ignoring the trickle of blood dripping down her muzzle.
There were moments of greatness that flowed through the Elements of Harmony, even when the world was falling apart around them. There were moments when in their darkest hour, they pulled through against all odds, standing forth for what was right, pure, and good in the world.
This was not one of those moments.
As one unified collective, Rainbow, Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie, and Twilight snarled like wolves seeing their prey.
Twilight's eyes shined like the brightest ultraviolet sign ever constructed. "Discord, is going, to die."

//-------------------------------------------------------//
     Chapter Seven: Knocked up, Hungover, and Superbad     
//-------------------------------------------------------//
Chapter Seven: Knocked up, Hungover, and Superbad
The five Elements of Harmony would have brought shame upon Ponyville if their peers had seen them in their current state.
Or they would have been the envy of every Canterlot University student that had ever traveled to Las Pegasus.
Losing a comrade to the chaos that was Las Pegasus and having had sex with an interdimensional being was high on the list of epic stories. The Elements had enough of them for a lifetime, and not all of them were ones they were keen on repeating due to the clear signs of mental breakdown it was causing them.
A good starting solution to that problem would be to violently and publicly kill a demigod who they thought they had reformed to show the world that they were not to be trifled with. It was time to step up their game a notch.
Besides, they had immunity from prosecution when it came to matters of state security. It was time to collect.
Instead of having the common sense idea of taking the elevator to go down five floors as they burst from their rooms, like most drunk ponies they decided to gallop down the stairwell, which only resulted in Rainbow Dash tripping down an entire flight of stairs. She was not able to fly thanks to Applejack using Rainbow’s wings in ways that Rainbow didn’t even think was possible during the day, and she had a lot of spare time with her wings and usually ignored something being impossible.
Five hungover mares smelling of alcohol, sex, sweat, panic, covered in an assortment of sexual injuries - except for Applejack, who actually looked pretty clean and the irony would be lost to hangover memory loss - and not deciding to do anything to groom themselves burst out of the stairwell and onto the gaming floor.
No one paid them any notice. They were nothing new.
Twilight’s violet eyes scanned around the bustling warehouse of slot machines, poker tables, and other gambling devices that made the mathematical side of her brain whimper like a caged dog at being in no state to play any of them for the next few days. Every other side of her brain gang-raped her mathematical side in the most sloppy way possible for even thinking of numbers higher than six.
“Alright,” Twilight said, turning around her body to face her peers. “Let’s sort out the facts, other than I’m disowning all of you after this for even getting me into alcohol. I hate all of you equally, and unlike Rarity, I have the ability to express my hatred without throwing a childish tantrum.”
“I do not throw temper tantrums!” Rarity stomped, blowing out steam from the end of her muzzle. “And here I was cuddling you and petting you when you lost your tooth!” She folded her forehooves across her chest, letting out a dismissive nicker. “The last time I do that with you, Twilight Sparkle.”
Twilight shrugged. “I could go on talking about how you sleeping alone in a hotel hungover will only remind you of your loneliness with your love life, and that when it’s all done you will most likely go home, sob more, and hide your inner problems with passive-aggressive outbursts like Rainbow. Or I could be with you, comforting you as we keep each other relatively sane through an excessive amount of repressed sex, and enjoy our intellectual company as we secretly laugh at nearly everypony who is dumber than us. Your choice, Rarity.”
Rarity looked down at the floor, scoffing at the carpet. “You… you can cuddle with me as much as you want,” she whispered.
Rainbow's gaze soon followed, her magenta eyes glancing at Applejack's. "I am... kinda aggressive aren't I? I'm just... misunderstood you know? I got a lot of trust issues, and-"
“Always look on the bright side of life, Rarity," Pinkie Pie rocked gently from side to side, whistling idly. "At least Twilight is slightly pudgy and soft. And you live, like, not even a block from each other! Like, you live literally across the street from each other. So you too can have clop time at night, and then go home, and nopony will have to smell you!”
“You see?” Twilight smiled, flicking her tail contently behind herself. “This is why I haven’t decided to enslave you all. I’d never think of something like that without you being you, Pinkie Pie.”
“Thanks, Twi’ Twi’,” Pinkie giggled. “If you ever decide to become an evil overlord, I’m here to make sure our foes don’t out think us. You think outside, inside, and in another dimension around the box, and I think inside the chimney.”
Applejack ruffled through Rainbow's mane. "I'll get ya an Evanescence album ta listen to later, sugercube, and you can vent it all out on me, alright?"
Rainbow Dash stroked her muzzle slowly, rubbing her forehoof between her eyes. “Do... I feel like how Twilight normally feels right now when stupid things happen? I’m pretty sure I do. This… is awful. I can see why she binge eats. And I'll take you up on that, AJ, but only if it's Nightwish.”
Applejack wagged her eyebrows at Rainbow, watching Rainbow wince in pain.
“N-n-o, AJ, I’m not hungry. Please,” she whimpered, her ears wilting by the side of her muzzle, “stop. We'll stick to me crying in your arms.”
“Now.” Twilight clopped her forehooves together loudly, exhaling gently through her muzzle. “Naproxen’s working, and my mouth is slightly numb, so I’m high on that in addition to everything else. Let’s start from the beginning. Rarity and I got knocked out. And then?”
“Dash ‘n I went to the buffet and bar and ate a bunch ‘n drank a bunch,” Applejack said.
“That sounds so freaking good right now,” Twilight groaned. “If Fluttershy was here, I’d be eating until I pass out. Rarity and I pretty much ate nothing and vomited out everything we drank this morn-night.”
Pinkie Pie tapped a forehoof loudly on the ground. “Cool story, Twilight, because picturing you and Rarity together puking into a toilet sounds terrific!”
The other four Elements of Harmony stared at Pinkie Pie.
"Did... did Pinkie Pie just use sarcasm?" Rarity asked. "Now I'm not exactly clear-headed at the moment, but I do believe she did."
Pinkie blew at her puffy bang idly. "Fart jokes? They're funny when done right. Pee jokes? Dashie has made me pee myself laughing all the time. Poop jokes? When really well done, but puke? Puke? I got some weird things in this noggin of mine, but picturing two of my friends vomiting is something I don't want in there. And now it's in there. So thanks. Thanks, girls. Thanks. I can't eat green ice cream ever again."
"So back to not gross things," Rainbow said, ignoring her subconscious leaning into Applejack, "Fluttershy and Discord had a few drinks, but not even close to what me and AJ had. They drank like a normal person would. Then they said they were going to go gambling."
"And Pinkie said they were with us at Polaris when... the two of you were occupied," Twilight chuckled.
"Absolutely completely totally positive they got smashed with us," Pinkie nodded. "Unless Discord made the best clone of Fluttershy ever. She acted and felt just like she did when she's drunk. She even punched a colt in the face for thinking we were part of Discord's herd and he wasn't open for swinging."
"Well that settles any doubt it wasn't Fluttershy," Applejack laughed, her friends chuckling with her. "That's her drunk."
"And so that leaves what happened with them gambling and after the drinking," Rarity hummed, stroking her chin. "Clearly somepony should have some ideas or memories?"
Rainbow Dash shrugged, leaning into Applejack more. She'd ignore that while Applejack's coat was too rough for her own good, her friend was a good wall to lean against without any hidden context in the gesture she'd done a hundred times before. She wasn't into her owner's physical body in the least.
"All I remember is that they said they were gonna play poker and slots," Rainbow said, "and what we planned on doing here if we decided to stay for several days. Ya know, sight seeing and shopping."
"Insert Rainbow Dash making some joke about how I am a walking cliche here," Rarity grumbled.
Rainbow glared at Rarity. "Hey, I like to shop for cool winter clothing, hair stuff, books, and vinyls. Besides, I like to study malls and how they were built, you know?"
She flickered the tips of her wings in excitement. "They can be gorgeous. I like to see how traffic flows through them, and where they messed up in the design. That part of dad sunk into me, so bite me. And I look good in sweatshirts."
Rarity blinked rapidly. "Your queer side comes out in the weirdest of ways, Dashie dear. And nice lisp on the gorgeous."
"We'll go shopping once we kill Discord, save Fluttershy, and get rid of our hangovers." Twilight paced around in a circle, the movement of blood in her body both a blessing and Tartarus for the vast majority of her muscles wanting to sleep.
Food also sounded incredible right now. Or both food and sleep. An IV injection of food while she was sedated and psychically ripping apart Discord's soul, implanting it in herself, and becoming a demigod that could begin her slow conquest of the universe with her friends sounded like the greatest idea to have ever went through her head.
She'd work on that plan. Very, very, soon.
Her pacing stopped. "So that leaves us with two big questions. The first: Did they win anything when gambling and drink because they did? Or they didn't win anything and they drank to forget?"
"They seemed pretty chipper to me," Pinkie said, her tail wiggling in thought. "Although that could be because he was laughing so hard at making us want to hate him. Fluttershy was happy because we weren't mad at her."
"And the second: If I was Discord, holding Fluttershy hostage either with a jackpot or broke and completely intoxicated, where would I be?"
"Custard's creamy colt clop I got it!"
Rarity, Rainbow, Pinkie, and Twilight turned toward Applejack.
"How do you come up with these sayings?" Rarity said.
Twilight whimpered, her stomach loudly growling. "Please don't mention food. Can we talk about that after we kill Discord? Don't make me tempted to feed on him."
Rainbow shrugged. "It wouldn't be a bad idea, Twi'. A cup of it has around four hundred calories, and it has lots of sugar too."
"How do you know this and why am I not surprised you know this, Rainbow!?" Rarity screamed, shaking Rainbow violently in her forehooves.
"Because I calorie count when I'm in season and I have too much time on my hooves," Rainbow gurgled. "Stop shaking me! I'm going to fart again!"
"Damn it, I'm tryin' to say somethin'," Applejack snarled, shoving herself between Rarity and Rainbow.
Pinkie Pie blinked rapidly. "Note to Pinkie: My friends get horrible ADHD when they are hungover and want food. Save this in case Twilight needs to use it for the future."
"Which is now," Twilight said, "and we'll go to a colt stable after all of this and I'll put it on Celestia's tab if you all let Applejack speak."
Silence.
Applejack closed her eyes in contentment. "Thanks, Twi'."
"You're welcome, Applejack." Twilight smiled.
Applejack stood beside Twilight, coughing as she composed herself. "As the mare most hungover, and trained by Fluttershy on animal thinkin', we haveta see Discord drunk and as a critter goin' on instinct. Now he loves ta buck things up, but he's bucked up, and since Twilight's gonad doohickey is on him, he has ta live with that. That means he's goin' on what he does best, but not thinkin' about it."
She trotted back and forth in a line as if she were a general, her posture stout as her confidence grew. "It don't matter if he's broke or rich after gamblin', 'cause there's only one place a colt as nutty as him is gonna go either to spend his money or sell somethin' to get somethin' pissed out of his panties. He's gonna go to a place where he can enjoy himself gettin' and lookin' at the weirdest things he can, and if there's one thing a drunk 'n brainwashed Fluttershy can do, it's get ponies ta sell things to her for really, really cheap."
"She does kind of beat you in flirting drunk, Rarity," Pinkie whispered.
"And that," Applejack said, snapping to attention as Rarity muttered vulgarities under her breath.
"Is a pawn shop."

//-------------------------------------------------------//
         Chapter Eight: Tonight, on Equine News...         
//-------------------------------------------------------//
Chapter Eight: Tonight, on Equine News...
Las Pegasus was big. A quarter of a million inhabitants big. Big enough to where the Elements of Harmony even in their intoxicated states knew that to gallop across it would be asinine for all but Rainbow Dash and Applejack.
Or more accurately: They could have galloped to where they had to go in their peak states, since it was only about a third of the length of the city, arriving heroically out of breath and dramatically on time.
But they were far from that peak state.
And so they just assumed they had done it instead of taking a steam bus four fifths of the way there for heroic purposes.
At least they arrived on time. They were very good at arriving at the exact moment they were needed.
"I should have thought of this," Twilight grumbled as she stepped off of the carriage. "I watch this show too much for my own good. Of course Discord would come here to get something random."
Pinkie Pie followed physics, walking off of the bus behind Twilight. "Well, considering how smart you are, Twilight, I bet you know more than all of the experts on the history of... everything!"
"You're damn right I do," Twilight snorted.
Rarity and Rainbow Dash looked silently at each other as they walked off of the bus, contemplating Twilight's growing ego and lack of a vulgarity filter as she drank.
They liked having their ovaries for future sexual pleasure, and so they let Twilight have her hubris, bowing down their own large thoughts of themselves. It was for the best.
"Well the way I thought of it," Applejack said, "was that ya have ta think about all the random stuff that they got. Discord loves random more than Pinkie."
Rarity stroked her own muzzle with a forehoof to fight off the budding fatigue that was swirling through her system like a margarita cocktail. Several of them. And other drinks.
She looked up with her friends toward the Las Pegasus Gold and Silver Pawn Shop in all of its moderately boringly designed glory. The building was rather forgettable looking.
"I shouldn't be thinking this hard at the current moment. Or... ever," Rarity groaned, "but has anypony thought that they simply were here instead of are here right now?"
"Of course I have," Twilight said, perking up her frame with a smug smile. "And that's what I've assumed. It's their last known location, and by the logic that hurts my head it means that this would be where we're going to find clues as to where they went."
"Or... they could be walking toward us." Rainbow Dash pointed toward the main entrance of the pawn shop.
Fluttershy and Discord laughed and giggled to themselves as Discord's white magic hovered several boxes and bags of items from the store.
It wasn't just the fact that Fluttershy and Discord were leaving the shop exactly when the other Elements came that was shocking. Nor the fact that Fluttershy was smiling under what had to have been Discord mentally controlling the poor pegasus. Not even that they willingly were walking toward them as if they were about to say hi that was jarring.
Okay, it was, but that wasn't the point.
It was that they were sober. Completely, one hundred percent sober.
They didn't look impulsive, stumble a bit, ramble, look emotionally distraught, or look like a disheveled mess. They looked as normal as they could be with a slight lack of sleep and having had gone through the events that they had gone through.
Fluttershy and Discord looked.... normal.
It scared the shit out of the five mares staring at them.
Fluttershy noticed immediately, galloping toward her friends. "Girls! Don't be scared! I promise I'm not under his control. Just relax, okay?"
Twilight's neck and muzzle twitched rapidly. "Relax!? How-"
Discord teleported beside Fluttershy with his boxes and bags beside him, wrapping a forehoof around Fluttershy's side. "Why so serious? Don't you trust Fluttershy?"
Pinkie's neck twitched at Discord's words, who only laughed manically at the death glares he received from the five mares in front of him.
Fluttershy's stare however made him flinch as her aqua eyes glared at him.
"That's enough," she whispered firmly. "It's time we tell them the truth."
Discord folded his ears beside his muzzle. "Do we have to? It's so much fun doing this to them!"
Fluttershy nodded. "We do. They're my best friends. They deserve to know the truth."
Discord sighed tiredly, giving Fluttershy's side a squeeze. "If we must."
"Get your hooves off of her you bastard!" Rarity snarled, saliva dripping down her lips. "I'll rip off your head and spit down your neck if you don't."
Fluttershy blinked rapidly. "Umm... Rarity? You might want to talk about your anger."
"That's exactly what I'm bloody doing!" Rarity said, stomping a forehoof onto the ground. "And I think I speak for everypony here in that he has twenty seconds before we rip him to pieces limb from limb and I bathe in his blood. Everlasting youth shall be mine!"
Twilight quickly glanced at Rarity. "Normally I would consider counseling, but Rarity pretty much summed it up."
She grinned darkly. "I'm going to drain his incredible magical reserves and add it to my own once we kill him. Having Rarity as an eternal co-ruler of the universe isn't a bad idea."
"And since he's part fish somewhere, I'll grill him and eat it," Rainbow said, licking her lips. "Seafood is awesome. I bet he's the best and most awesome seafood ever."
"I'll take some bones and give it ta Winona an' make her a super dog," Applejack smiled. "And a new hip for Granny."
"And I will make a fuzzy hat from his corpse," Pinkie giggled, "and it will be very warm and Caneighdian. See, Discord? We don't want much. Just you dying in agony!"
Discord laughed heartily, giving Fluttershy's side a firm squeeze. "Are you mares insane? Can't you see I am completely sober? Yes, Twilight, you have trapped me in this form, but however much it hampers my power it is still leagues above your own, more so in your intoxicated state. You couldn't flip the fail switch spell if you tried. What will you all do, attempt to kill me drunk?"
"We'll try," the Elements of Harmony said in unison.
Except for Fluttershy, who bit her bottom lip nervously.
Fluttershy stomped a forehoof loudly on the street. "Enough! Girls, Discord and I are in love, and we used this as an excuse to go on a vacation to see if we would work together as a couple. And... we do."
Her wings spread meekly by the sides of her body as she rocked gently back and forth on her hooves. "And we may have... umm... taken a blood cleaning machine to make ourselves sober."
Discord smiled sweetly down at Fluttershy, stroking a forehoof through her mane as she squeed to deflect her friends' confusion. "A dialysis machine, m'dear, is the word you are looking for."
In some world, a record player loudly came to a stop.
Pinkie, Rarity, Rainbow, Applejack, and Twilight mouthed slowly their thoughts as their brains attempted to process the information they had been given.
Pinkie summed it up for all of them.
"W-w-wat?..."
"I can't go on vacations normally," Fluttershy said. "I have too many responsibilities with my animals. So when Discord and I thought about it, tricking Celestia into making all of us go on vacation meant she'd send some ponies to watch over them."
"And it so happens to be easier to tell your friends you are dating your former enemy when they are intoxicated to the point they can not fight you," Discord hummed, scratching Fluttershy underneath her chin. "Basic strategy, no?"
Fluttershy cooed contently, wrapping her tail around Discord's own. "So we planned everything. Convincing Rainbow and Pinkie to bring Twilight and Rarity together; coming together to Las Pegasus-"
"-oh so humorously making Twilight and Rarity high-"
"-getting tipsy at the bar-"
"-nosing Applejack and Dash together-"
"-because really, Dashie, you stare at her withers all the time and who doesn't like your cute tush, Dashie-"
"-getting Rarity and Twilight to romantically kiss-"
"-I'm jealous, really. Can you teach me, Rarity? Twilight can join. Discord doesn't mind-"
"-I'm a very open-minded being-"
"-and very kinky," Fluttershy rumbled, giving him a gentle kiss on the lips.
She looked back at her shell-shocked friends, her cheeks turning a light pink. "I needed somepony who doesn't mind me roughing them up when we have sex."
Discord picked at one of his forehooves idly. "And to seal our plan I teleported an unused dialysis machine into our room before the heavy drinking began. It was very inconvenient, but it had to be done since somepony didn't let me use all of my magic by trapping me in this form!"
Rainbow lifted up a forehoof. "And getting punched in the balls?"
Discord winced instinctively. "Not... part of the plan."
 "An' the gamblin'?" Applejack asked.
Fluttershy giggled, clopping her forehooves together. "I'm really good at poker. I'm so cute ponies underestimate me. I won over three thousand bits, which is why we got you all some things and how we got the rooms complimented to do all of this. And not get you all something? My best friends who I had to do all of this too? That would be awful!"
Discord's frame sagged. "I lost several hundred playing slots. Damnable machines. You see why I do not like playing with luck on a fair ground, much like you, Twilight. Which is why we didn't want to play with luck today."
"We're sorry," Fluttershy whimpered, "but we did this knowing you would have fun too. And you did!"
"But what about the hours after we were drunk and doing each other?" Twilight shouted.
Discord snuggled his pony frame into Fluttershy's own, listening to Fluttershy trill like a bird. "Why, I happen to be very good at pleasing a mare. You learn to do that over several eons. The blood cleaning took a bit of time, and we needed a bit of a nap before we knew you would look for us here."
Silence.
The Elements of Harmony looked at each other slowly, waiting for one of them to add their thoughts to what they had just heard. They struggled to come up with an answer, more so since five of them were sexed out, hungover, hungry, sleepy, and running on hero juice and adrenaline.
Rarity was the first to speak, scratching at her ruined curls in a manner that would have been barbaric if she were more awake. "No... no chase around Las Pegasus? Surely we were supposed to spend several days finding out what happened today. Some drug-lord was supposed to kidnap me and Twilight would heroically rescue me?"
"And me and Applejack were gonna be forced to join some illegal fight club to get into that bosses secret club," Rainbow said, flickering the end of her tail.
"And I was going to have to dress up as a transvestite because Discord had played with me several years ago when he was drunk," Pinkie whimpered. "I was looking forward to that! Blackmail is fun! Discord was going to bump into me when Fluttershy was asleep and reveal where they were!"
Discord and Fluttershy looked at each other, shrugging their shoulders.
"You would think that mating and getting drunk would be enough for your friends, Fluttershy," Discord said. "I truly think they may be becoming addicted to being heroes and going on adventures. Ponies your age would envy them and what they had done in only just one day."
Fluttershy's ears folded beside her muzzle. "I know," she said softly. "They just can't enjoy things being okay anymore. They can't relax. Unless the world is in danger, nothing works anymore."
"You use cannabis to relax and you got us drunk and Rarity and I drugged up!" Twilight said, blowing out a plume of smoke from the end of her muzzle. "That doesn't make you better than us! Discord brings out an evil side of you, Fluttershy."
Rainbow took several steps away from Twilight. "Y-y-yeah. I shouldn't mention I was in on that part of spiking Rarity."
Pinkie followed Rainbow, whistling to herself as she hid behind Applejack. "And I was in on Fluttershy knocking you out, Twilight. Boop you up so you and Rarity would boop muzzles and butts."
Fluttershy giggled. "And it worked. I... think. You just repress too much, Twilight. You too, Rarity. I let it out meditating. My doctor said my heart is really healthy. Besides, cannabis is a normal way to handle stress if used properly."
"Well, other than how completely immoral that was," Applejack chuckled, "even though we've dragged Fluttershy through Tartarus an' back, at least we know their intentions were good and we all had fun."
"Exactly!" Discord said, walking slowly toward Twilight. "Now how about later on you remove that spell, Twilight. Yes, my little buttercup is far more cunning than you imagined, but she just wanted to go on a vacation with her best friends. Now how about you get some rest, and tomorrow I can purge your pesky hangovers when you release my full power. Think of it like this: Your sweet friend not only arranged your date, but now three of your friends are dating now as well! Good times!"
"Yay!" Fluttershy nickered. "He's better with words than me. So-"
"I'm going to kill all of you if it's the last thing I ever do!"
Twilight stabbed a forehoof at Discord as her friends leaped away from her.
"We were supposed to go on an adventure through Las Pegasus that ended with all of this happening through the adventure, not with it happening in the beginning! That's the worst adventure in history if the climax happened in the beginning!"
Pinkie Pie perked her head above Applejack's frame. "But nopony would expect that! That's-"
Twilight pressed her muzzle into Pinkie Pie's own. "I'm going to turn you into lard for starters!"
She purred darkly, dragging her tongue wetly over Pinkie's lips. "I bet you make a delicious cake batter."
"Eww..." Pinkie shivered. "I'd make a good steak though! I am kinda chubby. Fat adds to the flavor when cooked!"
Twilight turned toward Rainbow Dash, growling throatily at her. "And you. I'm going to lock you in my dungeon and juice you dry for a decade. You'll make the best wine for Rarity to drink, and then afterwards, I'll show you to anypony who fights against me."
"I'm... not sure if I want to drink that kind of wine." Rarity gulped down a ball of saliva. "But if I must for my life I shall do as you ask. It could be yellow wine, so I shall count myself lucky."
Applejack laughed heartily, holding onto Pinkie for support as she snorted in delight. "Oh ya'll be very happy at what juices come out of her, Twi'. Very happy."
"Thanks, Applejack." Rainbow Dash huffed loudly. "Thanks for defending me from sexual torture."
"Yer welcome, my pegamuffin," Applejack choked under her breath.
Twilight hissed at Applejack. "And you-"
"I didn't do anythin'!" Applejack said. "I wasn't a part of any of this!"
Twilight hesitated. "Fine," she said, "you can torture Rainbow with me."
Applejack shrugged. "I'm okay with that."
Dash blew a puff of steam from her nose. "Choke on Big Mac."
"And you will be the slave that ambassadors greet first, Fluttershy." Twilight's grinned, tittering madly. "So you can remember everything you've done to me."
Fluttershy smiled calmly at Discord. "Just let her get it out. She's like Rarity when she's all pent up. Let her throw her tantrum, and then she'll calm down."
"I will not calm down!" Twilight screamed as she jumped up and down, stomping the concrete as if it were trying to eat her book collection. "No, no, no, no, no!"
"Wow." Pinkie blinked rapidly. "She's mad. I mean sure this was totally uncool for all of this to happen, but I mean, now that I know what happened, I'm okay with it. Everything went better than expected!"
"No!" Twilight frantically looked around at her friends, pointing toward Discord. "This is his fault. If he didn't give us the adventure that we wanted we were supposed to kill him! I was supposed to become a god!"
Discord raised an eyebrow. "Khan would like to have a word with you."
Rarity stroked her chin. "Well I think I may have to reconsider my mating choices in the future. Although a large mansion overlooking the Shayiss Alps does sound orgasmic."
"Oh he will have a word with me," Twilight laughed, "when I become so powerful that nopony will stand up to me. We won't need the Elements of Harmony anymore when I have an army, and an empire than encompasses all of the galaxy! It'll... It'll..."
Twilight wobbled, her violet eyes blinking rapidly. She shook her snout quickly from side to side, staring at Discord.
"It'll... It'll be wonderful! Magic and technology will..."
She hiccuped as she walked forward, stumbling onto the ground with a soft groan. "Don't you clone yourself, Discord! You've bucked Fluttershy enough. You... you... thing! I know your tricks!"
"She's going into shock!" Rainbow Dash leaned down to stroke Twilight's neck. "We need to take her to a hospital!"
"Oh don't worry, Rainbow," Fluttershy smiled, "we can just clean her from our hotel room, and Discord has magic that other ponies can't cast. Alchemy is impossible, except for my little Disky.""
Fluttershy trilled as she nuzzled into Discord's equine body affectionately. "You're so cute as a pony."
Pinkie Pie shook her head from side to side. "What is with us and the hotel today?"
"We've ruined our public image already, Pinkie," Rarity said. "The headlines will either be with us in the hospital or just out in public."
"Good point!"
"Do I have to?" Discord pouted, sniffling back tears. "I'm enjoying this."
"I'm okay!" Twilight panted loudly up at Rainbow. "I just... want to kiss Rainbow. Come closer, Dashie. You like the smell of Applejack's sweat, so what's mine on your tongue?"
Applejack grabbed Discord in her forehooves, standing up on her hind legs as she lifted him up in the air. "Buckin' do it before I kill Twilight, 'cause nopony is kissin' my mare, and that includes Twilight."
Fluttershy didn't look the least bit concerned that Applejack held Discord hostage. "And now you all see why we needed a vacation."

//-------------------------------------------------------//
        Chapter Nine: Morning in Las Pegasus Shines        
//-------------------------------------------------------//
Chapter Nine: Morning in Las Pegasus Shines
Twilight Sparkle woke up knowing one thing for certain: She should stop waking up thinking that she knew things for certain anymore.
She had woken up yesterday assuming that she and her friends were going to go to Las Pegasus to gamble, drink, lay with some stallions, and do things that both they and the Princesses denied and secretly approved of. Instead...
Instead she was tied up to a dialysis machine to clean her body of all the impurities that she might have collected over her lifetime.
In addition to having had an arranged date without her consent, having her date drugged by Fluttershy of all ponies, getting smashed with three of her friends and her once arch-enemy, having rampant sex with Rarity that resulted in their horns being cuffed together, losing a tooth, seeing the darker side of her friends and her own personalities, and passing out from a panic attack and heat exhaustion at her attempt on galactic domination falling apart in front of her eyes.
It was all Rainbow Dash's fault.
It was really. Rainbow Dash and her ability to shoot colored explosions out of her withers a decade ago had set forth a chain reaction that pushed Twilight toward this very moment.
If Rainbow hadn't done that, Twilight would have been a normal scholar like the rest of her family. She would have attended Canterlot University, gained a doctorate or two with the highest of honors, and placed herself solidly in the upper-middle class of Equestria.
But Rainbow Dash just had to be fated to do what she did.
Or she changed fate, which would either conclude that fate can be changed, which would mean fate was fated to change, or fate didn't exist at all, and she simply inspired ponies.
But that was silly, because the relationships between pony names and cutie marks at least pointed to a pseudo-fate, and Dash changed Twilight's.
But Rainbow was as libertarian and existentialist as a pony got. So fate chose a pony who still didn't believe in it and actively told ponies to defy it to change Twilight's?!
It was Rainbow's fault! For... everything!
"I hate you, Rainbow Dash! I hope you choke on Big Mac's flared head and sperm while you rectally bleed to death from Applejack's Anus Annihilator!"
Fluttershy, Rarity, and Discord jumped as Twilight screamed at the wall.
Fluttershy formerly laid at the base of the hotel bed that Twilight rested in to give Twilight support as Rarity had once laid beside her. Rarity fell to the floor with a shriek, Discord folding his newspaper as he sat in his chair, looking at Twilight with interest.
Twilight yanked out the tubes connecting her body to the machine, screaming at the wall once again. "Because I'm going to eviscerate your tight tailhole until it's a protruding, puffy, gaping red-"
Rarity punched Twilight across her muzzle. It was absolutely a punch with the way Rarity's hoof fully connected with Twilight's snout.
"Will you sodding shut up already?" Rarity growled.
Fluttershy poked her head above the bed. "Aren't ponies slightly puff-"
"Not, now, Fluttershy," Rarity hissed, straddling Twilight's chest to keep her down.
Twilight's senses flared to life at the sudden pain on her cheek registering with her body. It cleared her thoughts of ruining Rainbow's rump. Mostly.
She stared up at Rarity in shock. "What-"
Rarity decked Twilight's other cheek. "Say something Twilighty!"
"Do you have to punch her?" Fluttershy whimpered.
"You can not Stare or be passive with the kind of evil that lurks inside of Twilight when she is drunk, Fluttershy," Rarity growled, punching Twilight again. "It must be purged by fire!"
Twilight's muzzle lurched to the side as she coughed herself to full consciousness. "What is going-"
"Say something Twilighty or I will punch out all of your teeth!" Rarity neighed, slamming her forehoof onto Twilight's nose.
"Five thousand copies is considered a successful printing run for a book-my nose and bucking headache!"
Rarity grinned brightly as Twilight groaned in pain, holding her slightly bloody nose. Whimpers and trundles echoed out of Twilight's muzzle as Rarity sat herself down on Twilight's soft stomach fur.
Rarity stroked through Twilight's mane affectionately. "That's better. And I might be turning into Rainbow Dash, considering that I find your cute voice cursing to be quite a turn on, and may be getting into my own repressed violent urges. Or I might just be resulting to physical abuse to get rid of your evil ones."
With her eyes out of focus, Twilight looked up at Rarity, panting quietly in agony. "I... think I needed that," she said softly.
Rarity nodded. "Now why don't you remove Discord's spell so he can clean you up completely."
"I'm kind of busy with a hangover, my nose bleeding, and pain, Rarity. If you don't mind."
Rarity slowly lifted up her forehoof.
"Okay!" Twilight whimpered, "just give me a moment! This spell wasn't exactly easy."
Discord idly filed his forehoof, rubbing a hind leg gently into Fluttershy's coat as she laid underneath his chair.
"Perhaps I should move to Ponyville if this is the new norm that I have created. Or have you all done this to yourselves naturally?"
Fluttershy nosed her muzzle into Discord's hind leg, looking up at him with a giggle. "It's just become worse over the years. It's the stress of being heroes when we just want to live normal lives. And maybe I want you to move in with me?"
Discord smiled down at Fluttershy. "Well we certainly don't need to make it that much worse for them now do we? And only if I can put some lovely expansions on the house, as your friend Rarity would say."
"Well..." Fluttershy rubbed his leg slowly with a wing. "You can push them a bit. For me. They have put me through a lot."
Rarity turned her muzzle around to look at Fluttershy, coughing loudly. "We can hear you two. And that is the last time I am taking you to the spa, Fluttershy."
Fluttershy giggled loudly. "I'll get Andulus to massage you, Rarity."
Rarity's left eyebrow twitched rapidly. "You, mare, are a witch."
Twilight collapsed against her bed with a groan as she finished her mental calculus. It was worse when she landed the back of her snout on the headboard of her bed, sending her into a torrent of vulgarities that Rainbow would have become wet by hearing.
"Fix this, Discord!" Rarity shouted, covering her ears. "I've heard enough cursing outside of our playtime!"
Discord erupted from his pony form, changing back into his natural state as he laughed maniacally. "Power! Oh it feels-"
"Power my voice screaming in your ears if you don't shut Twilight up!" Rarity screeched.
Discord winced. "I would murder somepony to never hear your voice like that again."
He slithered through the air like a fish through water until he hovered over Twilight, opening her hissing muzzle with his right paw. He extended a finger on his left, smiling down at her.
"This, will feel very good."
Besides the hidden context, the moment his talon touched Twilight's tongue, it did feel amazing.
Twilight felt a massive pulse of light roll down her tongue until it ricocheted through her entire body in a warm waving aura of tickling delight. It filled her body with an inner radiance she could not describe quite fully. It was almost a spiritual purging.
Her frame had gone rigid during the experience of energy flowing through her spirit. And yet, it seemed as quickly as it had started, it had ended.
She coughed, and what came out of her muzzle was one of the most glossy solid white marbles she had ever seen.
Discord held it in his hand with a gentle smile. "Just some improper chemicals that needed to be purged, a few bits of hair from grooming yourself, your heart had a few veins that needed replacing, a bit of fat you needed to watch that I nipped away, and... a kidney stone."
Twilight looked up at Discord in shock, Fluttershy hovering beside her as Rarity stroked gently down the front of Twilight's coat.
"Alchemy," Twilight said. "You really do work on alchemical magic don't you?"
Discord bowed gently. "Molecular Alchemy if you must be precise. Far ahead of what your normal alchemy can do. It's in the title!"
Rarity stroked Twilight's mane once again. "Twilight? Are you..."
Twilight sat up, feeling around the inside of her mouth with her tongue.
Her tooth was back, and her hangover was completely gone.
In fact, it didn't feel like she had drank any alcohol at all. She felt... normal.
No. That wasn't the right word. Other than being quite hungry for some real food, she felt damn good. It wasn't a drugged up euphoria, but everything in her body and mind working in unison to make her alert, clear headed, happy, and content.
"I'm... fantastic, Rarity."
Rarity raised an eyebrow. "Now, now, don't get too full of yourself, Twilight. That is my job to tell ponies they are fantastic. You are quite wonderful when you don't want to kill things, even if it means you coughing up a kidney stone to stop you from doing that. A very hard choice between the kidney stone and evil, I must admit."
Twilight rolled her eyes with a snide smirk, pinching Rarity's side. She squeaked at the pinch as Twilight looked up at Discord.
"Discord, that's why you have such incredible magic. You change the universe at an atomic level. And-"
"-bypass the laws of equivalent exchange," he hummed, twirling through the air. "If you must know, I pull and vent that needed heat and energy from realms beyond your comprehension. I fear your Elements of Harmony hitting me a second time has... 'hampered' me a bit."
He scooped up Fluttershy in a cool granite colored glow of magic, rubbing his nose into her own. The marble vanished with a faint crackle of light.
"I'm also not a fan of pulling too much energy and ripping your world apart, as much as Celestia might have told you otherwise. It's no fun destroying planets for the ninetieth time if no one is there to watch."
"No blowing up planets that have living things on them anymore," Fluttershy said firmly, booping Discord on the end of his nose.
Discord pouted, scratching Fluttershy's stomach. "What about if they are out to get my little buttercup?"
"Then destroy them by any means necessary and with extreme prejudice," Fluttershy giggled, licking at his lips.
Twilight smiled at Rarity. "Let him do it to you. It'll stop most of the violent urges we repress. You won't regret it. It's like we just went on an amazing adventure and learned something special, but aren't tired afterwards. Like... this one."
Rarity bit her bottom lip.  "Must I let him touch my tongue? I think that is in my top one hundred things I don't want to happen to me."
"Just do it," Twilight chuckled. "I promise it's worth it. If you're angry afterwards, then it means that you have real anger issues that need to be addressed."
"I see your sense of humor is back," Rarity said between her teeth.
"I lost my sense of sarcasm and dry humor?" Twilight said, her ears folding by the sides of her muzzle. "Wow. I'd... Rarity, you are important to me, but without my sarcasm, I-"
Rarity tugged on Discord's leg as Twilight burst out into a torrent of laughter.
"Fix me before I go insane!" Rarity wailed. "I need to be completely at the top of my game to match her!"
Discord grinned in amusement, inserting his paw into Rarity's muzzle to calm her frantic flailings. Or shut her up, if his mind was prodded at that moment in time.
Twilight and Fluttershy watched as Rarity's eyes rolled toward the back of her muzzle, fluttering rapidly at the energy that had pulsated through Twilight ran through her.
"Did... I look like that?" Twilight said.
Fluttershy nodded. "I'm going next if it's as good as you say it is. And he's going to do that to me as many times as he can at night. It'll be wonderful!"
Twilight stared at Fluttershy blankly, her eyes slowly blinking at the images in her head not ones she was keen on repeating doing exactly that.
The worst of it? It came from Fluttershy.
"Thanks for the information, Fluttershy."
"You're welcome," Fluttershy hummed. "It was the least I could do."
Rarity fell on top of Twilight with a loud yelp, coughing up a small sapphire marble as she laid on top of Twilight. She snuggled into Twilight with a delightful pant emanating from her muzzle.
"Oh goodness!" she whickered, fanning herself with a forehoof, "a lady should never feel pleasure like that. It's something entirely different than what we did, Twilight, but it's incredible! I feel so alive, clear headed, inspired, and... and me!"
Discord twirled the blue orb on a finger, watching it spin as Fluttershy hugged his side.
"You should thank me," he yawned, "since your fad dieting had ruined your poor intestinal tract."
"Was I going to die?" Rarity cried, hugging Twilight tightly. "I don't want to die! I have a sister, and a business, a reputation, a possible marefriend!"
"Glad I'm the fourth thing on that list," Twilight said. "I'd be okay with being between Sweetie Belle and your business, but I'll settle with not being as good as your ego."
Rarity shoved Twilight. "You're the one saying I am below your sarcasm. And so I return that sarcasm back to you so you can diddle about with it as you please."
"I will not make a diddle joke, as much as I wish too."
Rarity's eyes stared into Twilight's own. "I see I will have to step up my game, it seems."
Discord coughed loudly as Rarity and Twilight stared at one another, playful grins dancing over their muzzles.
"No. You just had a... how should I put this? Bacteria imbalance. It would explain your stomach cramps and possible... noises."
Twilight sighed deeply, closing her eyes. "That would explain the sleepovers. And... last night."
Rarity shoved Twilight once more. "I do not have problems with... with indigestion!"
"Uh-huh. You don't anymore, but you did."
Rarity puffed out her cheeks in annoyance. "Be glad my violent side has been cleansed by Discord - which sounds horribly dirty - because if it wasn't, I'd be punching you. Or him, since he brought it up in the first place."
Fluttershy chittered as she rubbed her coat into Discord's neck, giving his cheek a kiss. "You better not punch my Disky. I can't even say what will happen to you if you do, Rarity. It would hurt my heart. Very, very much."
Twilight clicked her tongue between her teeth. "I... think Fluttershy is next in line for this, Discord."
"Oh she is in line for the greatest adventures of her life in the coming centuries," Discord rumbled, kissing Fluttershy rapidly on the nose.
Rarity and Twilight looked at each other.
"I think they may be madly in love with each other," Rarity said. "Just an observation, mind you. It could be that he can get out everything that she has been repressing for so long as well."
"You know," Twilight stroked her chin, "we repress a lot."
"We talked about this, dear: Saving the world so many times has come full circle to bite our withers."
Twilight giggled. "You are stupidly cute sometimes."
"Ahem," Rarity coughed loudly. "Flattery will get you everywhere, Twilight, but not in front of Discord and Fluttershy making my stomach  churn more than it does when I am hungry. Which I am."
Discord broke his quiet make-out session with Fluttershy, coughing back at Rarity. Fluttershy stared up at him, entranced. She wiggled her eyelashes rapidly at him.
"I just... was giving to her what I did to you two in the way a romantic couple does things!" Discord laughed. "Y-y-yes! Exactly that."
"Oh I feel different," Fluttershy purred, stroking his snout, "because I never got to thank you for working together with me with planning all of this."
"N-now, Fluttershy, last night was-"
"-now how about you change me into something more-"
"-how about he helps Pinkie Pie, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash before you two start doing things I don't want to think about," Twilight chuckled.
Fluttershy's eyes glowed radioactively at Twilight at the thought of being denied sex.
"What a wonderful idea!" Discord nervously cackled, shoving his left paw into Fluttershy's muzzle. "We can always play games later, Fluttershy dear. We don't want to leave your friends in such a poor state, now do we?"
Fluttershy panted as Discord removed his paw from her muzzle, her wings flapping rapidly in panic as her eyes returned to their normal aqua hue.
"Oh my gosh that would be awful!" she whimpered, covering her muzzle with her forehooves. "I could never do such things with you until my friends are fine, clean, fed, the animals are checked on, and everypony is happy again. It-"
"Wonderful!" Discord smiled, snapping his fingers together. In a flash of light, Fluttershy was gone.
Twilight and Rarity looked up at Discord in disbelief.
"Before you get any ideas," he said, coiling himself around them, "let me make it perfectly clear that the mare is a succubus of the highest degree, and that hopefully will tame her for a day before she develops an immunity to it. She is seductively evil deep down on the inside when it comes to foreplay, but by things I can't even mention to you two she is... is... insatiable!"
"Isn't... that... what you wanted?" Rarity said.
"Not to her degree!" Discord cried. "She's a peach of a woman, but... you must pity me! Yes?... Surely you see the evils of the world I now have to carry on my shoulders?"
Rarity and Twilight stared at him blankly.
Discord lifted up his middle talon. "My thoughts on your compassion. I'll just go about healing your friends and bask in your eternal gratitude."
Twilight grinned. "Or you could have us convince Flutter-"
"I am thankful!" Discord said, snapping his talons, disappearing in a flash of white light.
Rarity snorted rapidly, leaning into Twilight for support. "You, mare, are a verbal weapon of mass destruction either sober or intoxicated."
Twilight hugged Rarity in return, giving her side a gentle squeeze. "I've picked up quite a few things from you, so you should be very proud of that."
Rarity tapped her chin. "Speaking of picking up ponies, fancy a shag?"
Twilight contracted her muzzle into her own neck, her cheeks turning a burning red. "Rarity! That's... blunt! And we're hungry and need to bathe."
"Think, mare," Rarity groaned, "you can always go to the vending machine to tide us over. And there's also a fine invention called a shower. They happen to sometimes exist in hotels. Also it will work up an appetite for a real breakfast."
Twilight beamed. "I like the way you think."