Eris gets drunk off a potato
“Hey stud. Are those new wings or are you from heaven?”
“New wings.”
“Is that your horn or are you-“
“It’s my horn.”
“Baby, you can cast any spell you want on me.”
“Still haven’t learned the silencing spell.”
“Is it hot in here or-“
“It’s hot in here.”
“You’re no f-“ hic “-fun!” Eris hiccupped, casually drinking from a potato on the counter. A slight blush stained her cheeks as her intoxication developed, leading her to harass the freshly crowned prince of Equestria.
Prince Dusk Shine, Element of Magic and savior of Equestria, sighed and held his head in his hooves, defeated. Between the antics of the crusaders and solving every small emergency in Ponyville to Manehatten, he had slipped inside the Galloping Gerty for a quick breather. Unfortunately, a draconequus had followed him to give him a piece of her chaotic mind.
Whatever the piece was supposed to be, Dusk didn’t want any of it. Immediately upon entering the bar, Eris had conjured a potato with a straw and begun drinking it. Apparently starch was the new cider, or however Dusk thought Eris viewed it. After drinking a glass and throwing the exploding chocolate milk away when conquering Equestria, Dusk learned to stop questioning her antics.
Dusk turned his head to Eris, wielding an exhausted frown. “I’m not supposed to be fun. I’m supposed to be responsible.” He sighed and laid his head on the table. Eris leaned back on thin air, her stool barely short enough to fit her knees under the counter.
“Dusky Dusky Dusky. Tsk tsk tsk.” She waved a finger in disapproval, finishing off her potato held in the other. She placed her lips on the straw and gave a forceful suck, draining the potato until it was a brown husk. With a crisp crunch, she ate it like a hay fry.
“You know I don’t like being called that,” Dusk huffed, blowing a stray lock of dark hair out his eyes. His muscles felt like stone, weighed down by fatigue. Whenever he moved anything more than his head or a hoof, he could hear his spine pop and crack. He had tried the wing stretches Blitz had taught him, but it only led to wing pain on top of more pain. It was a miserable existence.
“Dusk Dusk Dusk…” Eris sighed as she bent over, her body twisting in a reptilian fashion, and wrapped her arms around Dusk. The alicorn tried to ignore her and resist his body’s natural reaction, but his cheeks lit up in a luminescent red blush. Bucking hormones…
“Yes, Eris?” Dusk squeaked, his wings aching joints slowly stiffening as Eris’s hands traveled down his barrel. Her hands rubbed circles on his chest, her claws tenderly scraping his fur. He couldn’t help but allow her to pull him back so his head rested on her grey chest. Her lion arm wrapped around his chest while the other scratched behind his ear. Dusk resisted, but eventually his body gave in to the urge; he began purring and nuzzled the affectionate Eris.
“Aww, you seem to be enjoying this more than you want to admit.” teased Eris.
Dusk rolled his eyes, snuggling more into Eris’s embrace. “Yeah well, you’re lucky I’ve had a few.” To emphasize his point, Dusk levitated his drink to his lips, taking a small sip of the nectar. It was Applejack’s specialized brew, guaranteed to give you the hangover of your life. The stallion didn’t drink much, but he need something to distract him from his princely duties.
“Excuses, excuses, my dear Dusk Shine. How long will you hold off your obvious feelings for your’s truly? It’s written all over your face after all.” She gave him a nip on his ear. “After all, everypony knows the nerdy stallions like the bad mares.”
Dusk hiccuped. “Even if that was true, you’re a god of Chaos and I’m an alicorn prince. It would never work in a million years. Besides, aren’t those rumors about you and Prince Solaris true?”
Eris flashed a devious grin. “Oh me and Hot Head used to date a while back...But we had too many differences.”
“And by differences, you mean you were evil and he wasn’t? Right?” asked the unicorn.
“Evil? Mwha?” asked Eris defensively. “How could you say that about me?” The deity’s lower lip dangerously poked out.
Dusk again rolled his eyes. “Well, you did try to overthrow the world...twice.” he pointed out. “That sounds pretty evil to me.”
Eris tightened her hug. “Evil is a strong word. I’d like to think of myself as a puckish rouge rather than a diabolical mastermind. Thanks for the compliment though!”
Dusk groaned. “You’re a special type of annoying, you know that?” he asked.
Eris smiled. “And you love me for it.”
“...” Dusk tried not to answer, blushing furiously. Eris, seeing her chance, lowered her head and whispered something in his ear. His ears immediately perked up and his tail straightened.
“Uh, yeah!” Dusk straightened his posture, excited. “I love ‘experimenting’!”
“Oh sugar honey ice tea!” Dusk screamed as he leaped ten feet into the air, dodging a red laser beam that cut off a piece of his tail. The tiny white robot he had tried to destroy had walked out of his carefully laid portal trap and was on the chase. “Oh horseapples. Oh Solaris. Oh man!”
Eris’s laugh echoed throughout the white chamber. “I love testing! Wait until you see the next test I have for you!”
Dusk rolled his eyes as he shot a portal into the ground with his weird portal gun. Wings binded to his back, horn unable to cast magic, robots trying to kill him, trying to defy physics… it sucked to be Dusk.
“You’re really evil, you know that? You crazy… lady!” Dusk screamed as a laser cut off a lock of his hair. He was currently freefalling fifty feet from the ceiling. Hopefully his custom-made booties would save him from gravity.
“Evil?” Eris asked from her observation room, speaking into the mic. She took a sip from her potato. “I’m just a little tipsy.”
Author's Note
One-Shotober. Not one of the best stories I had. I'm currently waiting until the weekend to pull out the big guns.