To readers who finished Chapter 5 before 28 January 2015,

This chapter was formerly part of Chapter 5, but was split off on 1/28/15.

Over the following week Twilight would have mixed feelings about letting the two use her library as a rendezvous point for quasi-dates, but, from the first day to the last, both Fluttershy and Sweetie Belle proved to dutifully respect her wishes that all communication be publicly appropriate—the frequency of nuzzling and side-by-side contact remained reasonable considering the circumstances. It helped that the library was public, of course, an environment where their activities could be scrutinized by more than just Twilight, whom, occasionally, would be required to pop out briefly for this and that. During those times, she would let the rules slide a little, trusting, based on good behavior, that her constant supervision wasn’t necessary.

Every day, the two came as soon as their respective duties had been fulfilled. Most days, Twilight would devote about an hour each to Fluttershy, Sweetie Belle, and then finally both together within the privacy of her shielded loft. In order not to draw attention, Twilight began to cast an illusion spell in front of her shield that made the loft appear normal and empty.

It was there, in the comfort of a couch and armchair which Twilight had added to her room, that she and Fluttershy, by themselves now, held their first of that week’s one-on-one counseling sessions.

Already past the pleasantries, Twilight arrived at the point of their meeting. “Today, if you don't mind, Fluttershy,” Twilight spoke softly but with deliberate clarity and straightforwardness for the topic she wanted to address, “I'd like to know more about why, after Sweetie Belle told you she felt bad, you felt the urge to ... rape her.”

Fluttershy squirmed a little, but remained calm on the soft couch. “I ... I don't mind, or, well, at least ... I knew I'd need to talk about this.” The pegasus let out a larger sigh than she'd intended. “W-well ... you might say, it started a long time ago. You see, what I've ... n-never told anypony before, n-not even you or Sweetie Belle, is that when I was very little, I ... m-masturbated, um ... a lot ... and, n-not only that, but I was somewhat sexually active in ... other ways as well.” The pony's tone was weak and timid.

Despite her deep embarrassment, Fluttershy pressed on with faith in Twilight to try and understand. The lavender pony nodded, listening closely with only positive regard for her friend.

A small Fluttershy galloped atop an expansive cloud cover with other foals. A bright red hue tinted the yellow pegasus's cheeks. Excitement coursed through her as she raced from her pursuers for a while and then, amid fits of giggling, she slowed to a frolic and let herself be caught.

The faster of the two young colts assailed her, taking her at an angle by the rump and causing her to stumble and fall flat into the soft cloud surface. Scurrying and laughing he climbed over her and pinned her on her stomach. She offered a token struggle, prolonging the game, but a moment later backup arrived. Gleeful and panting, she waited for the inevitable plunder and wasn’t disappointed.

“Kiss her on the lips! On the lips!” he giggled. Fluttershy shut her eyes and surrendered her lips to the second colt who took his prize with a swack before skipping back. The colt above her pecked her cheek as well before beating his wings to help him jump away.

Left at last to escape, the little filly trotted dazedly back to base, a column around which other fillies claimed shelter, counting out the duration of their sanctuary before they’d be required to run for several more seconds.

The rules were arbitrary except that the point of the game was to run and either be caught or prove faster than the enemy. Why or how kissing first came to be a part of the game, Fluttershy couldn’t guess, but, on the occasion that a game of ordinary tag escaped the teachers’ notice long enough, a mischievous colt or two would often be heard calling “Kiss tag! Colts on fillies!” turning the game into something Fluttershy enjoyed perhaps more than any other she knew how to play.

“Well, umm ... That's just an example, really. There are a lot of things I did growing up, a-and,” Fluttershy's voice reduced nearly to a whisper, “things I've done recently too, that are more than just embarrassing foalhood games ... I mean, shameful things I'd rather n-not talk about ... u-unless you feel it's really n—necessary.”

Twilight nodded sympathetically. “It's alright for now, Fluttershy. I do think we'll eventually have to talk about it, but only when you feel comfortable doing so. Everything in due time.”

Fluttershy appeared relieved and was thankful.

“I know you'd do the same for me, Fluttershy.” Twilight smiled before turning serious again. “I’m really interested in your past, and I'm certain it's an important part of who you are now, but, so far, I don't think this really explains why you would want to rape Sweetie Belle. ... What was it exactly that you were thinking and feeling about the time you decided you wanted to rape her? And what kinds of things, specifically, did you imagine you were going to do before you stopped?”

Fluttershy concentrated, trying to put into words what the experience had been like. “I, well ... I’m ... sorry if I put this bluntly, Twilight.” Her ears flattened, and she swallowed her shame. Twilight shook her head and reminded her that she wouldn’t think less of her. “I-I ... wanted to force her to ... have an orgasm ... or multiple, if possible. ... It’s just, when she said she was ‘bad’ for having broken the rules it ... it broke my heart, but worse. I felt like ... all the shame in my past, I saw in—in her. ... I ... I’m sorry, Twilight, but I don’t know if I even understand it myself, or ... much less, whether I can explain it.”

Twilight nodded and considered the information. “What I'd like right now, if you'll please trust me on this,” Twilight proposed, “is to know whether you've ever been ... uhm ... hurt, badly, or abused in any way. Is there any time you can think of when you feel like that's happened?”

Fluttershy pondered only briefly. “W-well ... I was never fiddled with by an older pony when I was little or anything, actually, but, uhm ... again, once, while playing kiss tag ...”

Fluttershy counted down quickly at base, not needing to wait long for her own recovery and not caring at all to stay safe. The teachers were especially distracted this recess which allowed the sunny little pegasus the opportunity to be chased, caught, and peppered with kisses to her heart’s content! She enjoyed one colt’s attention in particular and secretly made it her goal to be caught as often as possible by him.

Though she knew that the teachers forbade it and some of her peers teased about cooties, no shame touched the foal’s vibrant heart back in that day—only the thrill of running, of drawing the attention of the colts that chased her, and feeling herself tingle inside as they took her so eagerly. With every capture, Fluttershy felt that warm excitement rise.

Again, she sprinted from base and ran close to the colt she desired. To Fluttershy’s satisfaction, Sunburst pursued and tackled her quickly from the side, and the two rolled together. This time pinned on her back, the yellow filly smiled dreamily up at her yellow-orange captor. His wavy mane reminded her of caramel, and his eyes were like the clear blue sky. Mirth filled them now as he exclaimed, panting.

“I got you again, Fluttershy!” He leaned down swiftly to kiss her firmly on the lips, but, rather than remain still this time, Fluttershy extended her forelegs without thinking, holding his elbows, latching onto him so that, when he attempted to pull back, she pulled herself up and locked him in place, maintaining the contact between their lips.

After several seconds, Fluttershy let Sunburst go, and the colt looked down at her with wide-eyed surprise. Realizing what she’d done, her ears folded back, and she looked away, mortified. An unexpected peck on the cheek caused her to snap back. Looking up at Sunburst, Fluttershy went wide-eyed for a moment in return, and, seeing the colt’s smile, she felt her own youthful effervescence return instantly. They both giggled.

“That’s double! Now you’re it, Fluttershy. I betchya can’t catch me!” Sunburst hopped off of Fluttershy and readied himself to run, watching first to see that she’d take the invitation to chase him. It took her only a second, upon rolling off her back, to decide that the new rule simply must be obeyed.

“I’m gonna get you back now!” she yelped excitedly before her eyes suddenly became determined, and she poised herself to spring forward.

Sunburst booked it, and Fluttershy bolted after him. As if one mind, Sunburst led Fluttershy, galloping to exactly the place she desired. At the most remote corner of the cloudy school yard, she chased him around a large cloudy mound. Now, Fluttershy determined, was the time to overtake her target. Catching up easily, she flanked him and then leapt sideways to topple her laughing playmate and pin him on his back.

For once on top, Fluttershy looked down at the grinning colt beneath her and stopped to think a moment before realizing it was she this time who would get to spoil the prey. Her timidness finally began to show through a little. Blushing redder than usual, her ears folded back again and she hesitated a moment before at last planting a long firm smooch on the willing colt’s mouth.

When they separated for air, Fluttershy didn’t release Sunburst, but she dared not kiss him again. As a filly, she wasn’t supposed to want the kiss, or, at least, she had to pretend not to want it. Whoever decided that rule obviously had no understanding of what Fluttershy felt at that moment.

Reluctantly, Fluttershy shifted to release Sunburst, but, to her surprise, this time he held her in place.

“N-no, wait, Fluttershy!”

He pulled himself up by her elbows, like she had before, and kissed her again briefly on the lips.

“Now we’re both it, okay?”

She thought about it for a second and then nodded, smiling coyly.

“... so then, behind the cloud mound, where the adults couldn’t see us, we kissed some more ... a-a lot more, I mean. ...”

Fluttershy no longer bothered standing over Sunburst, but instead rested on top of him, the mutually soft coats and skin of their bellies creating a very pleasant friction. As they exchanged pecks and nuzzles both felt warmth grow steadily between their hind legs, travel up their spines, and fill their heads with warm fuzz.

Responding naturally to the sensation, the two brought their nethers closer. Fluttershy felt Sunburst’s small limp member brush against her soft foal belly once, and, in a matter of heartbeats, it grew. Surprised and a little alarmed at the feeling of his warm growing stiffness near her own nethers, Fluttershy eeped and rolled abruptly off of the colt.

“W-wait!” Sunburst objected to her stopping. “Th-that felt good.”

Looking down, Fluttershy saw something that made her gasp. “Oh no! S-Sunburst! Are you alright?!” The thing looked terribly swollen to her compared to what it usually was, but, blushing, the young colt nodded.

“It um ... it just grew some, is all.” He looked down at himself to see the familiar light orange shaft with caramel spots. “It does that sometimes ... but I don’t really know why, um ... except ...” Sunburst mumbled incoherently at the end.

Fluttershy relaxed when Sunburst didn’t seem to be upset and heard him explain that it wasn’t the first time this had happened. “W-what did you say at the end?” Fluttershy was suddenly fascinated.

“Erm ... If I, uhm ... touch myself there a lot,” his embarrassment was plain, but Fluttershy's interest encouraged him, “it feels good, and it grows for a little while.” He giggled nervously, causing his colthood to bob.

Fluttershy's gaze was fixed on the body part. “I-is it ... alright if—” they both knew well enough that her request was taboo “—I mean, do you mind if I ... t-touch it?”

“Uhm ... N-no. I-I guess I ... don't mind. ... It does feel good a-after—after all.” Sunburst swallowed nervously as Fluttershy's hoof extended.

“We thought we were alone, but ... but there was a teacher who stopped me just then. Th-they'd watched just as the kissing stopped and saw me on top, and I got in big trouble. Both of us did, really ... except that, because I was the one the teacher saw on top and then ... they saw me about to touch him ... well, Sunburst was scared of getting in trouble. I don't blame him at all for putting all of the blame on me.” Fluttershy's tone was sad.

“I was sent to the office and had to sit for a long time on an uncomfortable chair while they called ... my mother.” Suddenly Fluttershy sounded plastic, rehearsed. Her mouth became expressionless, and her eyes betrayed no glimmer of emotion. “After a while, I was scolded by the principal. H-he didn't yell, but he told me that what I'd done was called sexual harassment.” Fluttershy sighed quietly before continuing.

“I was scared the whole time of what my mother would do.” Fluttershy's eyes flickered a little. “And I waited again on the uncomfortable chair until ... until she got there. ... The principal talked to her privately, if I remember right, and then I was called in again, and ... they told me—I guess they meant to scare me straight ... they told me that I was lucky the guard hadn't been called to take me away because—” Fluttershy sighed again “—what I did was against the law. And ... what they said did scare me ... pretty badly—I mean it scared me a lot, but the way Mom acted scared me more.”

Only the sound of Fluttershy's fidgeting broke the silence of an uncomfortable pause.

“She just ... was young and not very stable back then, I think, but,” the pegasus added, defending her mother, “really, she taught me what kindness was ... when she was alright, anyway. ... Mom also didn't get much help from Dad because he was busy, usually, with politics, or he was drunk, and, well ... they argued pretty often. ... Still, I think ... even though I don't like to, I blame Mom for ... hurting me then, or at least for not protecting me, and, unfortunately, that wasn't the only time I got into trouble for uhm,” Fluttershy swallowed, “sexual misbehavior, and, every time, she acted the same way with me.”

Twilight used the next pause to ask a burning question.

“What did your mother do when she found out?”

“Well ... it's hard to remember, honestly, because I ... sort of block it out, I think, but I remember she was rough taking me home that first time, and, she told me about how I deserved to be locked up away from her for years. I believed everything the adults told me, of course, especially Mom ... and then she didn't talk to me for ... about a week.” Fluttershy stated flatly, her gaze distant.

Twilight couldn't help but interrupt.

“Fluttershy, that's ... that's just ... awful!”

Fluttershy looked almost apathetically at her friend. The purple pony's features were twisted, agonized to hear of her friend's abuse, real tears glistening in her large eyes, though Twilight held them back. The reaction in her friend caused Fluttershy an uncomfortable sensation in her stomach, and she wished that the unicorn would stop. It had been hard, certainly, but Fluttershy didn't think she deserved that kind of sympathy or, worse, pity. Still, she attempted to respond graciously, and, Fluttershy thought, maybe it was alright to admit to herself that some pity was warranted.

“It—it did hurt a lot. ... It felt like—” no, she thought. She wanted to dismiss, not acknowledge the pain, “—like my mind and my heart—” her voice quavered “—stung ... were on fire ... and nopony, not even Mom would just ... hug me and tell me it was going to be alright.”

Tears fell, and Fluttershy resisted the urge to curse herself silently for giving in. She struggled to believe that it was alright to cry about it, just a little ... only a little, though, the yellow pony thought, and, with that, she shut away the emotions as best she could, her face becoming calm again.

“You said there were other times your mother reacted that way?” Twilight coaxed gently for more.

“Yes ... I ... also remember one time, when I wrote a note ... that she found in my saddle bag, and I'd used a bad word—uhm ... 'f-fuck,' I mean—she sat me down with Dad, and when I admitted it was mine a-and that ... I had shown it to a friend at school, she cried and she told me it was bad a-and disgusting and she grounded me.” The pegasus sighed again, keeping whatever feelings that tried to surface down. “Grounding was sort of a big deal since it didn't happen often, but that wasn't so bad really, except for seeing her cry and yell at me, I guess. Dad didn't really say much, but he seemed not to be bothered about it. Maybe that would have been a comfort if I'd ... had any sort of relationship with him at all, but, well, we ... weren't close back then.

“Anyways, um ...” Fluttershy’s gaze remained distant still, “I was scared again, but that time I got angry, and I stormed off to my bedroom, and I accidentally tipped my mom's favorite vase over, and it ... shattered. Mom—she ...” the pony’s tone hinted at sorrow, but remained for the most part flat, “took everything from my room then, all of my toys, and she tossed them out of our cloud house to fall to the ground where I couldn't get to them. I remember ... I think I was most upset to see my stuffed animal collection go, but also my foalhood weather kit and dollhouse and doll clothes. Umm ... later, she let me earn back some new stuffed animals and toys, and I got really good at sewing and replaced the doll clothes, but I always missed the plushies I lost.

“Looking back now, I know she should have handled her anger and fear better. I think that the pressures of being Cloudsdale nobility, and also having been fiddled by an unkind step mother growing up, probably explains why my mother couldn't handle my, uh ... unusual sexual activity when I was a little filly ... but at least I guess I learned some sort of discipline.” Fluttershy gave a half smile, almost a smirk, at the thought of what her mother's idea of discipline had been at the time. It had been completely unreasonable, she thought, but, on the bright side, she’d learned how not to put so much value in material things then. Still, she felt it unfortunate that she hadn't been taught anything else worthwhile from her mother's tantrums.

“I wished that I could have been loved in spite of my foalhood follies,” she sighed yet again, “but ... I guess, the hurt made me more compassionate ... maybe.” The evenness of her tone stood in contrast to her statement about the foalhood trauma. “And also, like I said, Mom was very kind most of the time—” another sigh. “What's past is passed. I can't change anything about those times or other times.”

While not untrue, the sentiment still troubled Twilight deeply.

“Thank you for telling me all of this, Fluttershy. You've really been through so much!”

Twilight wondered briefly whether she'd be able to rise to the challenge of helping all of her friends if all of them had to deal with secret burdens so heavy.

“It sounds like there were other times too ...” Twilight continued her investigation.

The two blew through more than just an hour that day, discussing Fluttershy’s family, her foalhood, and her motivation behind all of yesterday’s events. At the end, the young princess gave Fluttershy an assignment.

“I’d like you to write a letter,” Twilight said, “to your foalhood self, and I’d like you to tell your foalhood self what you now wish you’d known then. What could have helped and comforted you then? Does that make sense?” Fluttershy nodded, smiling. Despite the difficulty of recounting so much, it felt good to not be alone with it any more, to have shared it outside of just her personal journal. “Good.” Twilight smiled back, satisfied. Twilight clarified that the exercise was mostly just for Fluttershy’s sake, and, if she felt like sharing, she was more than welcome, but it wasn’t necessary.

“Before I talk next with Sweetie Belle now, do you have any questions or concerns, Fluttershy?”

The pegasus thought for a moment. “Do you think ... that I can change, in time?—that ... I can find a way to cope better or let go of my ... anger and fear?”

“I have no doubt that you can change, but in time for what, exactly?” Twilight responded.

“In time ...” Fluttershy looked troubled, “to be a good spouse for Sweetie Belle, before she decides she can’t wait any more, or, if she ends up being really patient, then before she and I end up waiting—that is, being alone for the rest of her foalhood.” Fluttershy couldn’t help but feel like the question came out sounding selfish. It was in large part for her own sake, of course, that she wanted to be with Sweetie sooner rather than later. Even if her question had come across that way, Twilight knew better, fortunately.

“Oh, I see. I ... wish I knew, Fluttershy ... but, no matter what happens, if your love is true, I have every reason to at least believe ... that loneliness will vanish, and the pain of not being together will heal without leaving a mark, when the right time comes.”

Fluttershy looked down then back at Twilight. The yellow pegasus still worried about the future, but she smiled, reassured by her friend's faith that it would turn out alright.

Author's Note

Last revision published: 28 January 2015
- for punctiation and flow
- split into 2 separate chapters, 5 & 6.

Original Note for chapters 5 & 6:
This one took a bit longer than other chapters, but it was more emotionally harrowing and a bit longer after all.
So yeah.

I might take 2 extra weeks (about a month total) before I post the next chapter if I decide to participate in the foalcon group's crackship writing contest. We'll see right?

In the mean time, if you wouldn't mind, please let me know how you think (if you think) my writing has improved and if any problems have persisted through the latest chapter.

As always, thanks for reading and commenting folks!

Edit - 12/31/14 : Revised for punctuation, flow, and voice.