Chapters Equestria is a Silly Place
Felix's Most Embarrassing Moment
No more oats. No more carrots. No more apples. His pantry was devoid of any and all food. This was the moment Felix had been dreading, for it meant he would have to buy more food. It meant that he would have to shop. It meant he would have to go outside.
Felix audibly whimpered at the idea, for his social ineptitude was downright cringe-worthy and he knew it. He would always say the wrong thing to the wrong pony or hoof-bump with the wrong hoof. Even when he just did his shopping in silence and avoided unnecessary contact with anypony he would trip over his hooves or accidentally pay the wrong amount.
He gazed at his saddlebags with apprehension, not looking forward to the journey into the world outside his small wooden home. For a moment, he considered starving to death instead. It might be less painful than yet another faux pas. He sighed after a few minutes, knowing he would end up getting desperate and going out for food at some point, and the stress by then would only cause him to screw up even worse. He put on his saddlebags.
His hooves carried him along the road toward the Town Square, where most of the market stalls had been built. The stress was already getting to him, though he did not sweat. It wasn't just social blunders he feared. No, he feared for his secret. He had feared for years that somepony would discover his terrible secret. That somepony would find out that he was not a normal pony. He prayed to Celestia each day that nopony would learn of his secret, for he would surely be seen as an abomination.
His breathing quickened as the marketplace came into view. He tried to calm himself by thinking of serene things, but he knew it was of no use. Something terrible was going to happen and he was sure of it. He headed to the closest stall that had edible things for sale, eager to get his shopping done quickly to minimize the chances of doing something embarrassing.
The red-maned Earth pony (whom he knew to be called Rose) smiled politely at him as he approached. He tried to smile back, but he was sure he looked like a creep or an idiot. Maybe both.
He attempted to speak as he pointed his hoof at various flowers, but his order only came out as a barely-audible mumbling. Rose smiled sweetly at him, seeing and understanding that calling him "painfully shy and awkward" was an understatement. She gathered up the flowers he pointed out and was placing them into a sack when one of Felix's ears twitched. Somewhere to his left was an odd buzzing sound.
He turned toward the noise, curious and more than a little worried about it being a swarm of parasprites, and saw that the source of the buzzing was barreling down a side street toward him. He dove out of the way as Scootaloo, the local pint-sized daredevil, zipped past on her scooter.
Felix fell against the rough boards of the flower stand. A sharp splinter dug into and tore open his fake skin, causing spaghetti to fall out of his pony-shaped costume. Felix shuffled his hooves around in the dirt and noodles in a panicked attempt to put the pasta back into his pony suit, but the sound of a gasping mare brought his attention upward to the flower stand. The look of horror on Rose's face was far worse than anything Felix could have imagined. His secret was all over the ground for everypony to see. The pony-shaped cluster of animated Italian noodles turned and galloped away, tomato sauce leaking from his eyes as he cried from the sheer embarrassment and utter failure that his shopping trip had become.
Rose watched him flee, a single word escaping her cream-colored lips. "What?"
Author's Note
I'm not even sorry.
Equestria is a Silly Place
Time was slowing down again; Gummy could smell it. The round bowl seemed to take one nineteenth of an eternity to settle after being placed on the floor. Gummy didn't move, knowing in his gut what was coming. It took even longer for it to finally happen.
It was subtle at first, just a slight bubbling on the surface. Then the oatmeal shuddered in the bowl and took shape. A mighty, lumpy beast formed out of the oatmeal, extending out misshapen arms. It regarded Gummy with its sunken, eyeless sockets. The oatmeal beast opened its gooey mouth and let out a howl that would chill even the bravest of warriors to the bone.
The oatmeal beast held out its arms, each one swirling and twisting into rough cones. Gummy knew he didn't have much time, and sprang forward. The oatmeal beast fired lump after lump of oatmeal at Gummy as he sprinted forward, dodging left and right to avoid the boiling goo.
He knew it would be a difficult leap, but he had no other alternative. Once he was close enough, Gummy hopped up onto his back legs and sprang upward toward the edge of the massive bowl. He wrapped his claws around the rim, but struggled a moment before pulling himself over.
The oatmeal beast moved to the opposite edge of the bowl, having clearly underestimated his opponent. He'd never expected him to reach the bowl under his porridge barrage. The beast knew he only had one shot left to defeat Gummy, mightiest warrior in the known universe. He combined his gooey limbs into one and spewed out a mighty stream of scalding-hot oatmeal. But Gummy was too quick.
Gummy leapt up, flipping backward as he sailed through the air over the stream. He opened his mouth as he came down on his enemy and bit into his throat. The beast thrashed momentarily, then fell still. It had been a harrowing ordeal, as always, but Gummy had earned his breakfast that day.
His eyes turned to his master, the radiant pink pony who never ceased to challenge him. Sometimes he resented her for forcing him to do battle with hideous beasts just to eat enough to live, but he knew that it was for his own good. He knew she was training him to be the best of warriors, and that any lapse in his training could be catastrophic. He thanked the pony silently as he ate.
Pinkie Pie watched Gummy eat his morning oatmeal, waiting for him to finish so she could take his bowl away to be cleaned. He suddenly stopped and stared at her for a few seconds, then resumed normally. Pinkie hadn't said anything to warrant such a look, and she once again found herself wondering just what Gummy was thinking about. He was probably just thanking Pinkie for the oatmeal. That's what Pinkie would do. Yeah, that seemed right. Gummy was such a polite alligator.
Author's Note
I'm not sure why I wrote this. I just had this idea that Gummy is completely insane and hallucinates constantly.
Equestria is a Silly Place
A Disturbance at the Hive
Queen Chrysalis looked disdainfully at the bit of green goo that had fallen from the ceiling onto her gnarled hoof. She'd asked about the leaks, but she was told that the flooring on the upper level just kept forming new cracks, so there was no permanent solution. Everything in the hive was organic, and non-toxic to changelings, but the goo was still annoying when it fell on her.
She grumbled at the goo, instinctively lifting her hoof and licking it off. Her eyes moved along her foreleg, spotting more of the goo and some wax that had been there so long it had gotten crusty. She nibbled along her leg, removing the offending material. More goo fell from the ceiling, and soon she lost herself in cleaning off the various bits of organic debris that seemed to be flaking off of everything in the hive.
She stopped preening suddenly as she felt eyes on her. Every changeling in the throne room was watching her. She carefully slid her wing from her mouth and glared at them. "Don't look at me like that. You know you all do the same thing."
She snorted, continuing, "You are right, though. There are better ways to clean. A bath should do nicely." She didn't bother excusing herself, and just walked toward the exit. She stopped in the doorway. "Oh, and tell the workers in the spawning room to prod at some of the larvae to make more janitors. I'm sick and tired of finding flakes of wax and discarded shell in my tail. And that's another thing: have some of you forgotten that it's a hive regulation to clean up your shells after you molt?"
She went on like this for some time before finally retiring to her personal chambers to clean herself up. She was halfway there when a messenger stopped her. "My Queen!" Chrysalis turned to face the incoming changeling with an irritated expression. "There's something outside the front gate."
She raised an eyebrow curiously. "What is it?" It was a giant pony made of wood. She stared at it from the balcony she'd been led to. "What the.... Who sent this?"
"We don't know, it just rolled up by itself. What should we do with it?"
Queen Chrysalis considered for a little while, but soon found her gaze wandering away from the statue and to one of the guards outside. It was emerging from its old shell, its new carapace shining in the midday sun. Once it was out, it shook itself and then trotted away.
Chrysalis growled, and shouted down, "Hey! Don't you just walk away from your husk, you slimy maggot! Either eat it or give it to something that will!"
"Uh, my queen?" asked the messenger that brought her out.
"Oh, I don't care! Go put it in storage and have a guard watch it or something." Chrysalis turned and walked away from the balcony, her irritation doubled.
An hour later, Chrysalis was relaxing on her jelly bed with a bowl of happy mice. She'd pluck one up, suck out its love, and then toss it into the trash vent. The vent led back to their farming section, where the mice would be cared for until they were happy and loving again.
She plucked up another one of her snacks, but a knocking sound on her door diverted her attention. A muffled voice from outside said, "Telegram!" Confused, Chrysalis got up and opened the door. Three little fillies exploded into the room, knocking her back in surprise.
"See? I told you girls it would work!" Apple Bloom said proudly as she shut the door behind her.
"I dunno, I'm still worried about how we're gonna get out."
"Don't worry, Sweetie Belle. Once we're done with Chrysalis, it won't be a problem," Scootaloo insisted.
Chrysalis stared in confusion at the three little ponies. "How did you—"
Apple Bloom cut her off. "We hid inside that big wooden pony. It was my idea."
"Pretty cool, huh?" Scootaloo added.
Sweetie nodded. "Yeah, we're here to help you turn over a new leaf."
"What?" Chrysalis said flatly.
"Don't worry, we understand," Scootaloo said.
Sweetie Belle nodded again. "Yeah, you don't have to hide from us. We're just like you."
"I fail to see the connection," Chrysalis said, still bewildered by the sight before her.
Sweetie Belle explained. "At first, we thought you were just really mean and evil, and that's why you were trying to take over Canterlot, but then we noticed that you don't have your cutie mark!"
"Yeah, and we know how awful that can be. Don't worry, though, because we're gonna help you get it!" Scootaloo said proudly.
"Then maybe you won't be so mad all the time! Then you can come with us to Ponyville and apologize and everything'll be great!" Apple Bloom claimed.
Chrysalis glared down at the three. "Changelings don't have cutie marks."
"Oh, yeah, we noticed that. We figured that, once you get yours, you can help all your subjects get theirs, too."
Chrysalis shook her head. "No, changelings never have cutie marks. Only you ponies do."
Apple Bloom raised an eyebrow. "Really? Huh.... I never knew that. Well, I guess goats don't either, or dogs, or bugs, or trees, or..." She trailed off.
"Let me get this straight," Queen Chrysalis said with a hoof to her chin, "you came all the way out here and got into my hive to help me find my special talent, all without being caught or injured by anything on the way? Remarkable infiltration skills, for little fillies. You will make excellent spies."
"Huh?" But Sweetie never got an answer. The only thing the three got was a blast from the queen's brainwashing ray. Their eyes glazed over as she finished the spell. Then all three smiled and leapt into the air.
"Cutie Mark Crusader Changeling Spies! Yay!"
Queen Chrysalis may have made a mistake.
Equestria is a Silly Place
The front door to the Golden Oaks Library opened a with a creak and Fluttershy peeked inside. "Um, you wanted to see me?"
"Indeed," said Twilight, opening the door fully. "I've found something that I thought might interest you."
Fluttershy stepped across the wooden floor, eying the large blackboard that had been placed nearby. On it were numbers, words, and a whole lot of math. "What did you find?" Fluttershy inquired quietly.
"Well," Twilight started, "I was thinking about the all the drama at Sweet Apple Acres about the vampire fruit bats, and how defensive you were whenever anypony said anything bad about them."
Fluttershy started to look worried. "Um, is this about the plans for the sanctuary?"
Twilight shook her head. "No, that's another issue entirely. Mostly financial. This is in regards to Rarity's description of the bats as 'icky,' and your denial of such." Twilight tapped a hoof to the blackboard. "Well, I looked into it, and as you can see, my calculations indicate that vampire fruit bats actually are icky."
Fluttershy stared at the blackboard. "Um, what?"
Twilight lowered her hoof. "Not only that, but I sent my findings to scientists in Canterlot, Vanhoover, and Fillydelphia. They all agree with my results."
"B-but...."
"And I sent out surveys across Equestria." Twilight picked up a clipboard in her magic. "Subjects were shown a photo of a vampire fruit bat and their first reaction was recorded. Every single pony tested gave the same result. They all said, and I quote, 'eww.'"
Fluttershy huffed. "They just don't—"
"Therefore, " Twilight cut in again, "I can conclude with near-absolute certainty that vampire fruit bats are, in fact, icky." She put down her clipboard and smiled at Fluttershy, who just stood there and stared at the equation on the blackboard.
"I can't... I don't... I...." Fluttershy read the equation over and over, but it never changed. She looked down at the results on the clipboard, flipping through page after page, but every reaction was exactly the same. "It doesn't make any sense! How can it be?"
"Sorry, Fluttershy, but it's true." Twilight put a hoof across her friend's back reassuringly. "They're icky."
Fluttershy dropped the clipboard and backed away. "I... I-I think I need to lie down. Th-thank you, Twilight."
"Oh, it's no problem," Twilight replied, putting her clipboard away.
Fluttershy turned and trotted back out onto the street, her mind a cluttered mess. Could it really be true? Could vampire fruit bats really be icky? Twilight had done the work, and it was nigh-impossible for Fluttershy to deny what the results conveyed. Was she just crazy? Had she always been crazy? She just didn't know anymore.
And what about other animals? If vampire fruit bats were icky, did that mean that other animals were icky too, and Fluttershy just couldn't see it?
Before she knew it, Fluttershy was back at her cottage. She took a good, long look around at all the homes she'd built for her animal friends, and smiled sweetly. Twilight must have been wrong. Everypony else must be crazy, not Fluttershy. Why, just look at all the beauty to be found just in Fluttershy's back yard.
Like the chickens in their coop! Chickens were just adorable, what with their pointy beaks, beady little eyes, floppy bits of skin hanging from their faces....
Oh, dear. They were a bit on the ugly side, weren't they? But they produced eggs, and eggs aren't icky, right? Although, now that Fluttershy thought about it, the process of egg-laying wasn't all that glamorous. In fact, the eggs came out of the same hole that....
Fluttershy gasped in horror, backing out of the chicken coop. "That is icky!" she shouted in alarm. She stopped as she felt something wiggle against her hoof. It was an earthworm. Worms eat dirt. Worms are slimy. Worms are... worms are icky!
Her breaths grew rapid and short as she shuddered and shuffled away from the worm. She hopped up onto the little outdoor table she kept around. Fluttershy turned to face her cottage as the leaves atop her home rustled and a ferret popped out to greet her. Fluttershy's breathing steadied as she looked at the furry little creature. It wasn't icky at all. Sure, it smelled funny, but a lot of creatures do. She reached out and patted the ferret on the head, feeling much better already.
A leaf was pushed out of place as another creature slid into sight. The slug crawled out onto a twig, waving its little eyestalks around. Fluttershy's smile grew uneasy at the sight of the icky slug, and she turned back to the ferret for comfort. She gasped as the ferret grabbed up the slug and viciously tore into it, chewing it up and shredding it in a matter of seconds. Fluttershy screamed as loud as her tiny lungs would allow, and dove into her house.
Fluttershy was hyperventilating with her back pressed against the door, eyes shut tightly, when the smell hit her. She opened her eyes slowly, her stomach turning at the sight of her home's interior. Animals were everywhere, eating, fighting, defecating, and generally being utterly icky. The room began to spin around Fluttershy as something touched her hoof. She looked down at the stray cat batting at her, and it held up a dead bird that it must have caught.
Fluttershy vomited on the cat, stumbled sideways a few steps, and passed out on the floor.
Equestria is a Silly Place
Swirling blue smoke spewed out of the old boot and Scootaloo leapt back in surprise. From the cloud, a pony-shaped shadow formed. A unicorn took shape as the smoke condensed. He was tall, rivaling Celestia in size, and his hind legs were but streams of smoke that lead back into the boot. The blue unicorn crossed his forelegs as he regarded the little orange pegasus before him.
"Are you a genie?" Scootaloo asked, eyes wide.
"Can't get anything past you, filly. Got wishes? I'll give ya three."
Scootaloo's tiny mind was racing. What should she wish for? Actually, the answer was obvious. "I wish that I—no, that all four of the Cutie Mark Crusaders had our cutie marks!" She paused for a moment as the genie rubbed his hooves together and nodded. "Wait, can you do that? Apple Bloom said that Twilight said that magic can't make cutie marks appear."
The blue unicorn scoffed. "Filly, please. I'm a genie, I can do anything." To prove it, he tapped his hooves together as two bright beams of light shot from his horn and struck Scootaloo on either flank. When Scootaloo turned to look, she saw it. She really did have a cutie mark. "Two left. Next wish?"
Scootaloo brought her attention back to the genie. "Um... lemme think." The genie sighed and waited as the filly thought about what else she wanted. Again, the answer was obvious. "I wanna be like Rainbow Dash! I wish for that!" The genie tapped his hooves together and engulfed her in light again. She wasn't sure what he'd done, though. She didn't feel particularly cool, awesome, or even radical. She still had the same colors and everything.
She was about to ask just what had changed when she heard her friends calling to her. "Hang on, I'll be right back." Scootaloo galloped away from the genie as he slid back into the hoofwear.
"Scootaloo! You'll never believe it! We got our cutie marks!"
"Me too!" Scootaloo turned to show off her newly-acquired mark. It was a white skull with walleyes and its tongue sticking out.
"Wow! What's it mean?"
Scootaloo hadn't thought about it (she hadn't really had time), but she immediately knew just what it meant as soon as she wondered. "It's because I laugh in the face of danger! What about you girls?"
Apple Bloom shifted to show the others the hammer emblazoned on her toned flank. "It must be because I'm so good at fixin' things that get broken." She suddenly recalled the incident with Fluttershy's table, but brushed that off as the others not knowing what they were doing.
Sweetie Belle had a silver bell with an eighth note on it. "It must be because I like singing so much... at least when I'm alone. Isn't it great?" Sweetie Belle's voice cracked with excitement, and Scootaloo suddenly realized how adorable it was. And how could she have not noticed how pretty Sweetie's mane was?
Something stirred in Scootaloo. Something she'd only felt in passing a few times before. She had always liked her friends, but suddenly she liked them a lot more... and for different reasons. It came to her slowly as the other two chattered away about their new marks and she wondered what it might be like to kiss them. Did getting a cutie mark make other ponies want to kiss you? That didn't seem right. Then why was....
"I'm gay?!" Scootaloo exclaimed. A dreadfully-awkward silence fell on the trio as Scootaloo covered her mouth with her hooves. She'd never liked fillies before. What changed? She gasped as the realization struck her. "Oh, that pervy blue weirdo!" Scootaloo turned and galloped away from her confused friends. "I'll be right back!"
She reached the boot quickly, and the genie poofed back out. "Last wish?"
She pointed a hoof at him accusingly. "You! I wished to be more like Rainbow Dash!"
"Yeah, you did."
"But you made me like fillies! That's not what I wished for!"
"Yeah, it is."
"No it...." And then it dawned on her. "... Rainbow Dash is gay?"
"She's bi, actually. What, you didn't know that? Honestly, filly, are you dense? I spend most of my time in an old boot and I could see it. In fact, from what I've seen around here, most ponies would seem to be." He uncrossed his forelegs and spread them. "Why are you so upset anyway? Quite the little homophobe, aren't you?"
"No, there's nothing wrong with it, I just... it... uh..." When she thought about it, she actually didn't have a problem with liking fillies. Would she have objected to being bi before? She didn't know. She'd never given dating much thought, being both fairly young and usually too busy crusading. Of course, she wouldn't have to go crusading anymore. "It's different, that's all... and not what I was expecting."
"Would you like your final wish to undo what I just did?"
"I, uh.... no, I don't mind, actually. It just caught me off guard, I guess."
"So, last wish?"
Scootaloo thought for a moment, but the answer came to her easily once again. It was something she hadn't considered before, but it made a lot of sense now. She told the genie what she wanted, and he raised an eyebrow.
"That's quite an order," he commented. "You sure?" She nodded, and with a tap of his hooves she was covered in his magical light.
* * * *
Rainbow Dash looked up from the half-finished weather report on her desk when somepony rang her doorbell. She put down her quill and got up. What she saw when she opened the door made her jaw drop. "Sc-Scootaloo?"
It was Scootaloo alright, and she was flying. That was the least striking thing about her as she landed in front of Rainbow Dash. She was as tall as Rainbow and looked to be just as old. And that cutie mark - so cool! That wasn't all Rainbow noticed about her, though. This new and older Scootaloo was hot. Smokin' hot.
Scootaloo, now a full-grown mare, leaned against the doorway and batted her eyelashes at Dash. "Hey, Rainbow. Ya busy?"
Equestria is a Silly Place
To say that Fluttershy was nervous would have been the understatement of the year. She eyed the two golden objects before her, breathing heavily. She reached a hoof out, scooping them both up. They were cold to the touch, but she knew that they always started out that way.
Slowly, tenderly, she moved them into place. The first one slid in like normal, but she hesitated to insert the second. Should she really do it? Two at once? She wasn't sure it was such a good idea. It could be dangerous. Then again, there were two openings there, so it must be made to handle two at the same time, right? If it weren't, it would only be able to take one at a time, right?
She sucked in a breath and slid the second into place. She flapped her wings to keep her balance as she brought her other shaking hoof over and sent both deeper inside. She pulled her hooves back with a squeak, afraid to do any more for fear of causing damage. There she waited, unsure of how to proceed in this new territory. Should she just do it like normal now, or did the doubled load require special care?
Regardless of proper procedure, the reaction had already begun. She could feel the heat rising up, as it always did before. It was only a matter of time now, and then she'd be able to relax and enjoy herself. That was how it always happened, despite her persistent worries to the contrary.
But wait, there was always one part she forgot about. One part that never failed to surprise her. Even when she strained to control herself, it always struck home. She held her breath, trying to focus on not letting it happen. Alas, it was not to be.
Fluttershy screamed in terror as the toaster suddenly popped out the twin waffles. She held a hoof to her heart, doing her best to calm down in the wake of the shock that the appliance always gave her when it finished. She scowled at the toaster briefly as she retrieved her waffles, both now nice and hot, and put them on a plate. It had startled her yet again. Oh well, at least it hadn't exploded from having two waffles in at once.
She turned away, blowing on her waffles to cool them as she hovered out of the kitchen. "Next time, I won't let that mean old toaster scare me. Next time." It was the same thing she always said after toasting something, but it had never once turned out to be true.
Equestria is a Silly Place
Sombra, former king of the Crystal Empire and the dark overlord of hatred and fear, spooned up another clump of chocolate oat-swirl ice cream and shoveled it into his mouth, sighing quietly as he chewed. It just wasn't fair. All he'd wanted was to have an entire empire full of crystal slaves to do his bidding and to spread hatred and fear throughout the world; was that really so much to ask? If the explosion of positive emotional energy that blew his entire body apart was any indication, it apparently was.
If only that stupid little princess hadn't stolen the Crystal Heart and ruined everything. He could be ruling an empire instead of ruling absolutely nothing. He could be sucking down the blood of some first-borns from a crystal goblet instead of eating ice cream from a cardboard tube. He could be beating his servants for bringing him the wrong color horseshoes, even though they were actually the right color and he was just making up an excuse to beat them. He could be in his Crystal Throne of Darkness right now instead of on this fancy couch.
It was a nice couch, though.
He spooned out some more ice cream and sighed again, eying the now-empty carton as he held it in his magic. Grunting slightly, he tossed it away and pulled another from the freezer. The lid was tossed aside, and his spoon dug into the fresh carton of earth-tone dairy product. It may have taken him three months to put all his parts back together, and his career as an evil overlord might have been over, but at least he had ice cream. The sofa was pretty comfy, too.
The front door opened, disturbing the little bell above the doorway, and Rarity stepped into the boutique. She gently hummed a tune to herself as she trotted across the floor, several shopping bags suspended in her magic. "Sweetie Belle," she called out, "I got you some of those bon bons you like! Could you be a dear and—" she stopped dead, gasping dramatically as she caught sight of what was on her sofa. "Good heavens!"
Sombra furrowed his brow. "What?"
"What?" Rarity said back. "What?! What?! " She trotted closer, glaring at the dark unicorn. She thrust a hoof down toward the sofa. "That brown stain had better be from your ice cream!"
Sombra turned to look, finding that there was indeed a little spot of brown on one cushion. He looked to the brown ice cream in his tub, then back to the brown stain on the couch. "Um, yeah, I guess it must be. Sorry about that."
"'Sorry?' Do you know how hard this fabric is to clean? Gah!" Rarity turned toward the stairs as Sweetie came into sight. "Sweetie, quick!" She pointed a hoof toward the stairs as the filly recoiled. "Get my emergency fabric cleaning kit!"
Rarity turned back to Sombra as Sweetie bounded away. "And you, " she growled. "What have I told you about eating ice cream on my fainting couch?"
Sombra gulped, though he didn't swallow any ice cream. "Uh, not to ever do it?"
"No," she replied slowly.
"To use a napkin?"
"No," she snapped.
"That all those who defile the fainting couch will have their hooves removed, one-by-one, until they can no longer stand without screaming in agony and pleading for death?" He giggled a little, unable to contain the glee that such concepts brought to his black heart.
"Ugh! I told you to be careful, " she groaned. "Honestly, would it kill you to pay attention just once?"
He winced a little, turning his eyes down toward the floor. A dreadful silence fell over the two, and Sweetie trotted over and opened up the cleaning kit she'd been sent to fetch. Rarity brought a hoof to her mouth, realizing what she'd said. Sombra spooned more ice cream into his mouth as Sweetie began to scrub at the little stain on the couch.
"Dying isn't fun, you know," he reminded her.
"I know. I'm sorry, dear," Rarity said, dropping her hoof. "I didn't mean to say that." She took a moment to sigh. "Really, though, would you please be more careful? You know how much I hate having to clean up a big, sticky mess."
A wide smirk formed on Sombra's face, and he turned to Rarity again. "That's not the impression I got last night."
Rarity held her hoof to her face again as her cheeks burned with red. "Oh-ho-ho," she laughed, "you naughty unicorn, you."
"And you love it." Sombra stood up, taking a step toward her. "Don't you, my Mistress of Shadows?"
Rarity giggled. "You abominable tyrant."
"I'm right here, you know," Sweetie commented.
Sombra took a step closer. "Say it."
"You horrid, despicable beast," she cooed.
"Say it," he hissed again.
Rarity bit her lip momentarily before adding, "You slave-driving, vicious fiend."
He couldn't fight the grin on his face as he stepped even closer, their muzzles almost touching. "Your master commands you," he growled menacingly, making the fur on the back of Rarity's neck stand up.
"You...." Rarity drew in a slow breath, narrowing her eyes. "You monster. "
Sombra jammed his lips against Rarity's, and she moaned into his mouth.
"Ewww!" Sweetie remarked as she rubbed a rag against the couch. "Get a room!"
The two lovers pulled away, both gazing into one-another's half-lidded eyes. "Come with me, Mistress of Shadows," Sombra whispered.
"As you command, my Dark Lord."
Fortunately for Sweetie's eyes, "get a room" is exactly what they did. Unfortunately for Sweetie's ears, the walls in the boutique were pretty thin.
Author's Note
This was originally going to be a crack ship for a group contest, but the contest ran out and I never got around to really fleshing this out, so it goes here.
Equestria is a Silly Place
Cola spewed from her mouth and through the air as Rainbow Dash choked on her drink, soaking the table and Pinkie Pie's face. She leaned against the table, coughing out the soda for a good ten seconds before falling back with a hoof to her muzzle, the foamy beverage stinging her nose and throat. She groaned for a moment before incredulously asking, "What?"
"Do pegasi lay eggs?" Pinkie repeated, a smile still fixed on her soda-soaked face.
"You're kidding, right?"
"Noooo," Pinkie cooed, her smile fading as she leaned forward, bringing her face closer to Dash's. "I really wanna know."
Rainbow sighed, leaning back in her seat. "Pinkie Pie, who told you that pegasi lay eggs?"
"Nopony did," Pinkie replied. "I figured it out all by myself."
"Uh huh," Dash said, picking up her soda again. She put it back down after a moment of thought, though. "How did that happen?"
"Well, I was at the hospital to visit the Cake twins and I was thinking about how Pumpkin was a unicorn and Pound was a pegasus, but neither of the Cakes are unicorns or pegasi, and I was like, 'Huh, that's funny. Not funny like a joke, though, more like a potato shaped like a carrot, or a carrot shaped like an onion.' Then I started getting hungry and I went to the cafeteria, but they didn't have any onions there and I got all sad because onions are super healthy and hospitals should totally feed them to sick patients because it would make them feel better faster, and make them get stronger so they could go out and work harder.
"So then I got lunch and thought about how ponies breed. My parents taught me all about how Earth ponies breed"—Pinkie paused a moment to shudder in her seat—"but they never told me about how unicorns or pegasi make foals. I tried to ask Fluttershy if pegasi lay eggs, but she started stuttering and got a nosebleed. When I got back with a tissue, she had fallen asleep, so I decided to come and ask you instead." Pinkie drew in a long breath. "So, do they?"
"No, Pinkie," Rainbow sighed. "Pegasi don't lay eggs."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, Pinkie, I'm sure."
"Are you really sure?"
"Trust me, Pinkie." Rainbow chuckled a little, bringing her drink up to her muzzle. "If pegasi could lay eggs, I'd know about it."
Pinkie stared at Rainbow as she drank her soda, her blue eyes steadily narrowing as her bubblegum brain worked tirelessly to comprehend what she'd just heard. The thought came to her slowly, having to push aside copious amounts of other thoughts before it reached the front of her mind, where it incited a sharp gasp that sent Pinkie right off her seat. She then bolted away, a pink streak blazing down the road.
Rainbow just shrugged.
* * * *
About an hour later, Rainbow pushed open her front door and flipped on the lights, only to have a mild heart attack upon seeing her living room full of ponies all shouting, "Surprise!"
"Wha-what are you all doing in my house?" she stammered.
"We're here for your foal shower," Applejack said.
"Yeah!" Pinkie chimed in, pronking across the floor to Rainbow's side. "I know we're probably pretty late, but it's never too late for a party."
"Uh, what?" Dash said after a moment.
"It's okay, Dashie," Pinkie said, clutching her friend's cerulean cheeks (the ones on her face) in her hooves, "you don't have to hide anymore."
"We're your friends, Rainbow, you know you can tell us anything," Rarity added. "Won't you let us be a part of this?"
Dash pulled away from Pinkie. "First, how about you let me be a part of this and tell me what the hay is going on."
"It's alright," Rarity said, "we know that you had a foal."
Applejack stepped over, putting a hoof on Rainbow's shoulder. "You don't have to be ashamed. I mean, heck, the same thing happened to—"
"I know it must have been hard for you to give it away," Rarity cut in, "but we all understand that you just weren't ready for that sort of responsibility."
"Just tell us that you made sure she went to a good home," Fluttershy pleaded.
Rainbow shook her head. "What are you talking about?"
Pinkie reached a hoof across Dash's withers. "Dashie, when you told me that you knew for sure that pegasi couldn't lay eggs, I knew that the only way you would know was if you had had first-hoof experience."
"Pinkie, that leap in logic could get you across Galloping Gorge," Twilight chided. She stepped forward, pushing Pinkie Pie aside. "I already told you that I'm 99% sure that Rainbow Dash has never been pregnant. According to my books and what I've seen, there's no way that—" She stopped suddenly, however, at the sound of a little squeak coming from behind a pair of blue hooves that were covering Rainbow's face. All eyes turned to the pegasus as she quietly wept behind her forelegs.
"No way," Twilight whispered. "Did you really?"
"It was four years ago, right after I'd dropped out of flight school. There was this colt I'd had my eye on, but we weren't allowed to fraternize in the academy. Since I was out, I figured, 'what the hay,' right? So I invited him over to my house one night while my dad was off working, and, well, we—"
Rainbow made a choking noise from behind her hooves, then fell backwards onto the floor, laughing her tail off. "I'm sorry, I couldn't," but the rest of her words were lost to her laughter. The other ponies all exchanged confused looks as Rainbow made her way back onto her hooves, her giggles winding down. "Sorry, heh. I just couldn't resist."
Dash sighed, turning to Pinkie. "Yeah, so, no, I've never had foals, Pinkie. I know because they had a class about it in school. I grew up in Cloudsdale, and if they don't know how pegasi breed, nopony does."
"Oh," Pinkie said flatly. "Can we have a party anyway? I already brought all the supplies."
Rainbow shrugged. "Sure, I don't have any plans tonight."
"Yay!" Pinkie pulled her cannon from seemingly nowhere and plastered the walls with streamers. "Happy Pinkie-Asked-Rainbow-If-Pegasi-Laid-Eggs-and-Pinkie-Totally-Misunderstood-Rainbow-and-Tried-to-Throw-a-Foal-Shower-But-Rainbow-Didn't-Actually-Ever-Have-Foals-and-So-the-Party-Had-to-Be-Renamed Party!"
Pinkie suddenly stopped, her eyes wide. "Wait a minute!" She turned to Twilight. "What about unicorns?"
Equestria is a Silly Place
I Want to Come Inside, Rainbow Dash
A turquoise hoof pounded the double doors for the seventeenth time within the last three minutes. A muffled voice finally drifted in through the entrance, and a lock clicked out of place a moment later. The door swung open to reveal the mare of the house, Rainbow Dash. Her scowl only intensified at the sight of just who was pounding at her door.
"What do you want?" Rainbow spat.
Lightning Dust was dancing in place on her porch, teeth digging into her lower lip and eyes squinched almost shut. Her saddlebags shifted on her back with each step she took. "Hey, Dash. Can I use your bathroom, real quick?"
"No." Rainbow shut the door, only for Lightning to immediately hammer her hooves against it again, whimpering. A groan came from inside the house, and the door opened again.
Lighting pleaded, "Please?"
"No."
"Please?"
"No."
"Please?"
Rainbow slammed the door.
Lightning leaned across the porch, pressing her hooves to the door. "Listen, Rainbow, I know we got off on the wrong hoof. I'm sorry for getting your wing hurt back at the academy."
The door slowly cracked open slightly, a rose-colored eye glaring at her through the thin gap. "And?"
Lightning sighed, shifting on her hooves. "And I'm sorry we made that big tornado that almost killed your friends."
Rainbow threw the door open further. "We? "
"Well, you made it too. You could've said you weren't in."
Rainbow just gave Dust a level stare. "Yeah, and gotten kicked out of the academy for disobeying my lead pony."
"I'm not sure it works like that in training. Besides, I'm the one who got kicked out." Lightning crossed her hind legs, rubbing one against the other as she grit her teeth for a second. "I'm sorry. Now can I please come inside and use your bathroom?"
Rainbow put a hoof to her chin, humming for a second. Then she sighed and opened the door fully, stepping aside for Dust to pass. "Yeah, okay. It's just to the right of the entryway." Lightning immediately shot through the doorway in a two-tone blur, kicking up a breeze that sent Dash's mane and tail rippling like dual flags. Dust zipped straight into the bathroom and kicked the door shut behind her.
Lightning Dust smirked, narrowing her eyes as she chuckled. "I'm finally in," she whispered to herself. "Now it's time for payback. Nopony gets me kicked out of the Wonderbolts and gets away with it." She raised her right hoof, shaking it at the ceiling. "Nopony!"
"Nopony what?" came Rainbow's muffled voice from outside the bathroom.
"Uh," Dust began, eyes darting about the room. "Nopony has... ever had to pee this much, like, ever. " Lightning clenched her teeth, back pressed against the bathroom door. After a moment, she heard the faint piff-puff of Dash's hooves on the cloudy floor. She let out her held breath and stepped away from the door, lifting the lid from the toilet.
Lightning retrieved the little red ball from her bags, the long, green fuze trailing behind it. It looked like an ordinary cherry bomb, but it was, in fact, a chimicherry bomb. What this meant, Lightning didn't actually know, but she was sure it would be enough to give that potential-stifling Rainbow pony a plumbing headache. Dust grinned widely, striking a match and lighting her little bomb. The fuze burst into yellow sparks, and Lightning Dust hurled the bomb into the toilet, slamming the lid shut.
Dust punched the door open and blasted out into the wide entryway. "Thanks for lettin' me use the bathroom, Rainbow. Well, gotta fly. Later!" And with that, Dust was gone, flying right out the door. Outside the house, she made a few concentric circles and drifted down to the ground. Only when all four hooves hit the dirt did she allow herself to let loose and finally laugh at her genius plan.
And laugh, she did, as well as bellow, guffaw, and especially cackle. She certainly didn't titter or giggle, though. In fact, she found herself laughing so hard at the revenge she was about to have that the strength of her legs failed her, rolling the mare onto her back where they could freely kick about in glee.
It was at that exact moment, with Lightning Dust wheeling her forelegs in the air, that she heard the tell-tale kaboom of the chimicherry bomb. She gasped at first, then laughed harder, pointing a hoof up toward the house. She opened her mouth at to speak, but was instantly struck dumb by a sudden realization.
It was shocking.
It was a revelation.
It was the shocking revelation that Lightning dust was lying directly below Rainbow's house, and more specifically, the guest bathroom that she had just bombed. This wouldn't normally be a big deal to the pegasus, but she had clearly underestimated just how much more powerful a chimicherry bomb is in comparison to a regular old cherry bomb. What made this clear was not the kaboom, nor was it the girlish screech of surprise from inside the cloudy house. No, it was the large volume of murky water that was now pouring freely out of the house's bottom and all over Lightning Dust's body and face.
After several seconds of screaming and failing, Dust finally removed herself from the less-than-pleasant-smelling waterfall. She shook herself, bringing her glaring eyes to the floating house above. She shook her hoof at the home. "I'll get you next time, Rainbow! Next time!"
Equestria is a Silly Place
The front door burst open, prompting Twilight to whip around from one of her bookshelves. A book about refrigerator repair fell to the floor, her levitation spell faltering in her surprise. Her expression of shock turned quickly to a warm smile, but then faded to one of concern as she saw who was standing in the doorway. "Pinkie Pie?"
"Hi, Twilight." Pinkie trotted in, her trademarked smile absent and her mane hanging a little limp around her head. She stopped a few feet from the alicorn, staring into her eyes as she said, "I-I need to tell you something, okay?"
Twilight leaned forward a little, tilting her head to one side. "Is something wrong?"
"I..." Pinkie trailed off, eyes turning to the floor. Her lower lip quivered for a moment before she spoke again, bringing her gaze back to Twilight. "Do you remember the time you helped me figure out who'd eaten the Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness on the train?"
"Of course," Twilight replied quickly.
"Well, I just wanted to say 'thanks.' I was being silly and jumping to conclusions, but you knew what to do, and we solved the mystery together. It was a lot of fun."
"Oh, it was no trouble." Twilight smiled briefly. "I was glad to help. But..."
"And the time you saved the town from all the mes I let loose. I'm really, really sorry that I did that, but it all turned out okay, because you were super smart and knew what to do. I'd probably still be poking at the ground right now. And I'm sorry I didn't let you help me with the twins that first time. I really needed a hoof, and I should've let you help out."
"Pinkie, what's going on?"
Pinkie leapt forward suddenly, wrapping her forelegs around Twilight's neck. "I just wanted you to know how great a friend you are, and how much I"—Pinkie paused, sniffling a little—"how much I love you, Twilight. You're one of my bestest friends ever."
Twilight Sparkle returned the hug, rubbing a hoof against Pinkie's back. "I love you too, Pinkie. You're one of my best friends, and I wouldn't trade our friendship for anything in Equestria."
"Promise me something."
"Anything, Pinkie." Twilight quickly added, "Within reason, of course."
"Promise that you'll never forget to party, even when I'm not there."
"I will, Pinkie." Twilight nuzzled into her friend's neck before pulling back a little. "Now, will you please tell me what all this is about?"
Pinkie gave Twilight a final squeeze and then stepped away. Tears were pouring down her face, further staining her coat. "You'll find out tomorrow. It's a surprise," she choked out with a broken smile. She took a few steps backward, headed for the door. "I have to go now. Good-goodbye, Twilight."
"Pinkie, what..." But the party pony was already leaving. "Goodbye," Twilight called after her. She stood there, eyes fixed on the door and the gears in her brain going into overdrive. What in the world had that all been about? Should she go and ask? A grunt from the kitchen derailed her train of thought.
"I dunno... how much longer I can... hold this," groaned Spike, the refrigerator still clasped in his claws, held above his head.
Twilight trotted back into the kitchen, firing up her horn and grabbing hold of the refrigerator. Spike sighed with relief, collapsing to the floor as Twilight slid him out of the way placed it back down on the floor. She turned from the wheezing dragon, eyes going to the window. Was something up with Pinkie? It was hard to say for sure.
Pinkie had said that Twilight would find out tomorrow, so maybe she should just wait.
The next day came as it (almost) always did. Twilight went about her usual duties about the library, reshelving books, studying whatever she felt was relevant at the time, and generally being really anal—about organizing things, of course. With the new day came Pinkie, just like the party planner had said. However, no answers came with her.
Instead, all Pinkie did was say the same things she had the previous day. The phrasing was different, and she cried into Twilight's other shoulder, but it was almost exactly the same brief conversation. Twilight tried to stop her, calling out, "Pinkie, what's going on?" but she got no response. Pinkie just bolted through the door like the day before, leaving Twilight quite perplexed. Twilight tried to venture after the mare, but she was nowhere to be seen.
On the third day, Twilight was tiring of Pinkie's antics. Where she'd first been concerned, now she was becoming annoyed. Pinkie would just barge in, proclaim her friendly love for Twilight, cry, and then leave with no explanation. Every day, she would promise that Twilight would understand the next day, yet absolutely no reasons ever came. Enough was enough.
Pinkie flew from the library, and Twilight trotted out the door after her. She turned onto the dirt road, making her way toward Sugarcube Corner. If Pinkie wouldn't stick around to tell her, she'd have to investigate. On her way there, she spotted a familiar face on the street.
"Hi, Rarity," Twilight said flatly. "Sorry, but I really need to find Pinkie Pie."
"So do I," Rarity said back. "She keeps crying all over me and telling me how much she values our friendship, and then disappearing without a trace. It's the strangest thing."
Twilight perked up, pausing on the road. "Really? She keeps doing that exact same thing to me."
"That's super weird," came Rainbow Dash's voice from above, prompting both mares on the road to look up at her. "She's been doing the same thing under my house. What's up with her?"
Twilight turned back to the road, resuming her trot. "I don't know, but I'm going to find out. C'mon, girls."
The three continued on, being joined by Applejack and Fluttershy along the way. Unsurprisingly, they had also been visited by Pinkie and told similar things about their friendships with her. It was all too weird for Twilight, and she needed answers.
The five ponies burst into Sugarcube Corner. Mr. Cake looked up from the counter and shot them a smile. "Need anything?" he asked jovially.
"Pinkie Pie," Rainbow said curtly. "Where is she?"
Mr. Cake's grin turned upside down. "Oh, she's up in her room," he said softly, his eyes turning to the counter again. "She's been acting really strange, lately."
"Lemme guess," Dash cut in, "she keeps telling you all about how you're almost like a second family to her and how much she loves you?"
The cake-peddling stallion nodded. "And then she just goes up to her room, and we can hear her crying in there for hours. We tried to ask what was wrong, but she said she wanted to be alone."
"Alright, that's it." Rainbow zipped over to the staircase. "I'm gonna find out once and for all." The other four shot after her as she flew up to the second floor and down the hall, pummeling her hooves against the bedroom door. "Pinkie Pie! What the hay is going on with you?!"
"Rainbow, calm down," Rarity hissed, tapping her own gentle hoof against the wooden door. "Pinkie Pie, dear? It's us, your friends. Won't you please come out and tell us what's going on?"
Twilight pressed one ear to the door, and she could hear Pinkie's sobs through it. She tried the handle, and the door swung open freely. There was Pinkie, lying on her bed and weeping into a pillow. The five all crowded through the door, with Twilight in the lead. The alicorn approached the bed slowly, whispering, "Pinkie? Are you okay?"
Pinkie Pie pulled herself upward a bit, wiping away her tears and giving them a bright smile. "Of course I'm okay. Why wouldn't I be?"
Rainbow raised one eyebrow. "Uh, maybe the confessions and the crying and stuff?"
Twilight took another step forward. "Why are you acting like this? Is something wrong?"
Pinkie just giggled, rolling her eyes. "Nothing's wrong, I'm just living life to the fullest!"
"Come again?" Applejack said.
Pinkie sat up on her bed, waving her hooves this way and that as she explained, "I was hanging out with Big Mac in a totally-just-friends way, and he told me that the secret to living a really good life is that I should live each day like it's my last, like I'm going to kick the bucket tomorrow. So, that's what I've been doing for the last few days." She traced her hoof along the bedsheets, her smile fading. "It's not as much fun as I thought it would be."
Equestria is a Silly Place
Applejack spat out the handle of her shovel. "Thanks for helpin' me out today, Pinkie. So, you got any plans this afternoon?"
Pinkie nodded excitedly, saying with a wide smile, "I'm gonna go dye with Rarity."
AJ paused, scratching a hoof at one ear, and her brow furrowed. "Come again?"
"Well," Pinkie said with a chuckle, "actually, I'm just gonna help Rarity dye."
Applejack's eyebrows rose a little. "You're... gonna help her..."
"But maybe, if I'm really good, she said she might let me dye, too."
Applejack's eyebrows shot up. "What?"
"Hey, if you're all done on the farm, maybe you could come with me, and then we can dye together!"
Applejacks's eyebrows went into orbit. "What?! "
Pinkie wrapped a foreleg around her friend, tugging her away from the barn. "C'mon, I'll bet dyeing is super-duper fun!"
"Pinkie, no!" Applejack slid out from under Pinkie's leg. "I don't wanna die, and neither should you!"
"Huh?" Pinkie stopped, turning and raising one eyebrow, her smile gone. "Why not?"
Applejack was blinking rapidly and raising a hoof to her forehead, eyes squinting. "Wh-why not? Why not?! Whaddaya mean 'why not?!' Why would I want to die?!"
Pinkie sat back on her rump, forehooves twiddling around one another, and she glanced at the ground. "Because it sounds like fun?"
"Fun?!"
"Yeah, fun. Don't you like having fun?"
"F-fu... I... you... how can you... I don't..."
Pinkie put a hoof on the shoulder of her hyperventilating friend. "Um, you don't have to come and dye with me if you don't want to. It's okay. I can just go dye alone."
A sigh escaped Applejack, followed up a deep breath, and she turned her eyes to Pinkie. "Sugarcube," she said softly, "I don't want to you to die, either. You're one of my best friends, and if there's somethin' botherin' you, you should talk about it."
"Bothering me?"
Applejack nodded, taking Pinkie's forehooves in her own. "You can talk to me anytime. I know what it's like to deal with... hard stuff, you know. We're all here for you, Pinkie Pie. Don't you go doin' some fool thing like this."
Pinkie's mouth opened, but she closed it after a second of looking into AJ's emerald eyes. She sighed, pulling her hooves back and standing up. "Well, if it really means that much to you... okay, I won't go and dye."
AJ gave Pinkie a hug, letting out another sigh of her own. "Thank you." She let go after a moment, asking, "Now, what's gotten you like this? Come on, now, you can tell me."
"It's like I said: Rarity said she was gonna dye today, and asked if I wanted to help. Then that got me thinking that it might be fun to dye. I mean, I've never tried it before, but Rarity said she'd been putting it off for a long time and she seemed excited, and it sounded like fun."
* * * *
Rarity hummed a happy little tune, her hooves tapping the floor in time. At the sound of hoofsteps in the hallway outside, she turned toward the door. "Pinkie, is that you? Do come right in. I hope you don't mind, but I went ahead and got started without you. But don't worry, you didn't miss mu—"
Pinkie exploded through the door, almost tearing if off its hinges. "Rarity!" she screamed, sliding in on her hind knees and flailing her forelegs toward the ceiling. "Don't dye!"
"Whatever it is your thinkin', don't do it!" Applejack leapt into the room, skidding to a stop. "Think of little Sweetie Belle! Remember the good things! Don't..." Applejack opened her mouth again, but whatever she was going to say died before it could escape her throat. She furrowed her brow, looking from Rarity to the stack of white cloth next to her, to the little bottles of colorful liquid next to that, to the big vat of steaming, yellow liquid set up in the corner. Her eyes narrowed, and her tongue ran across her teeth.
"Um, Applejack? Are you feeling alright?" Rarity inquired, her magic poking a hook-ended stick into the vat. She withdrew it, pulling out a pale yellow dress. "You seem just a bit distressed."
Applejack closed her mouth, stood up, turned her eyes to the ceiling, and let out a deep sigh. "Nope," she said simply, turning and walking out of the room without another word.
Equestria is a Silly Place
Princess Luna's gaze ran down the paper lazily, like syrup down pancakes. Her mind wandered elsewhere, only registering a few words here and there that seemed important. She was pretty sure the paper was about new local zoning laws in Manehattan, and nothing jumped out as being particularly strange. She cleared her throat before speaking.
"Approved." She mechanically lifted her hoof from the circular, ink-soaked pad next to her floor pillow and stamped her seal of approval onto the paper. She passed it down to the white-coated unicorn standing nearby, her eyes now staring blankly at where the paper had been. A sigh escaped her nostrils. "Is that all for today, Sheen?"
Winter Sheen shook his head. "Not quite, no. You have a petition that has just come in from Ponyville."
Her ears twitched, and Princess Luna perked up. She glanced at her aide. "Oh? Ponyville? Well, send it in, then."
With a blue flash of his horn, Winter pulled open a door on the other side of the office. "Miss Valley? The Princess will see you now."
A short squeak came from beyond the doorway, followed by the sounds of papers shuffling against one another and hooves shuffling on marble. A pink muzzle at last slid into view, followed by a big pair of pale, golden eyes under an amber mane. "I can come in?" the mare asked.
"Yes, I just said she would see you now." Winter waved a hoof, beckoning her onward.
The mare disappeared, only to reappear with a manila envelope clenched between her teeth. She made her way into the room slowly, eyes darting this way and that, until she was a foot from Luna's desk. She slid the folder silently onto the desktop and stepped back, still watching the room as though it were about to collapse on her.
The Princess of the Night slid the papers out without even lifting the envelope, wrapping them in her magic and holding them up before her face. After turning them over once, she began to read silently. Her brow furrowed and her nose twitched. One brow sank lower while the other rose up, and she tilted the papers aside to look at the pink mare. She simply stared back at Luna with a blank expression, and only a few seconds passed before Luna continued reading.
After another minute and another shuffling of pages, Luna gently placed the petition down on the desk. She looked back at the mare. "Miss Lily Valley, was it?" The mare nodded, and Luna continued, "I am afraid that I do not understand. It says here that you want me to shrink the moon?"
Miss Lily Valley nodded once.
"Because it's too big."
Lily nodded again.
"And it is freaking you out."
Lily nodded yet again.
Winter shifted a little, looking from Lily to the princess. "Sounds like you've got it down, Princess."
Luna cleared her throat again. "Yes, I understand what the petition is asking. What I do not understand is why."
"Because it's freaking me out," Lily said.
"Yes, I understood that part. Can you explain any less vaguely?"
One of Lily's hooves pawed at the marble flooring. "Well, when I look up at it, it's just so... big and... and looks so heavy. I'm afraid it's going to fall on me and smash me, and my house, and my roommates that live in my house."
"I can assure you that it is not going to fall out of the sky and smash you. Or your house." Lily simply stared at Princess Luna, who continued, "Or the roommates that live in your house. And besides, how would making it smaller help?"
"It might not cause as much damage if it's not as big and heavy. If it falls, it might only crush me and not my whole house."
Winter Sheen clicked his tongue once. "She's got a point, there. But last I checked, the moon is a lot bigger than that. It would crush all of Ponyville if it were to fall." Lily gasped, and Princess Luna shot him a glare. He quickly added, "But it's not going to do that, nope. It's very securely anchored up there. Space superglue. Very strong."
"And even if it were to fall," Princess Luna said, turning back to Lily, "I would surely be able to stop it."
"Or make it crash in a desolate area, at the very least."
"So you have nothing to worry about." Luna took in a breath. "Now—"
"But what about the tides?" Lily cut in.
Luna's muzzle pitched downward ever so slightly. "What about them?"
"Well, I have a friend who got buried in the sand at the beach, and when the tide came in, she almost drowned! If the moon were smaller, the tides would be weaker, and it would be less dangerous for ponies stuck in the sand."
"Hmm. A point there, too," said Winter.
Luna's gaze moved to the ceiling as she slowly said, "Well, yes, it would do that, and buried ponies would be safer." Her tongue rolled about in her mouth for a few seconds before she looked to Lily again. "But the tides are an important part of our ecosystem on the shores."
Winter chimed in, "Certainly is. Without our tides, many creatures would probably die out. Do you want their fishy blood on your hooves, Miss Valley?"
Lily's hooves flew to cover her mouth, and she rapidly shook her head. "Never!"
Winter nodded, saying, "I thought not. Besides, drowning due to being buried in the sand when the tide comes in is very rare. Less than four cases a year."
Luna's eyes widened slightly, and she turned to her aide. "We keep track of that?"
The stallion nodded in the princess's direction, though he mouthed the word "no" as he did so.
Luna's head swiveled back to face Lily. "Well, is that all, or do you have any other reasons?"
One of Lily's forehooves rubbed against the carpet, then came up to scratch at her own mane. "Umm, no, I guess that's all."
"Hmm. In that case, I must reject your petition on the grounds that there is not reasonable cause to shrink the moon. It is also worthy of note that this petition only bears seven signatures, and one of them appears to in fact be somepony's autograph." Luna squinted at the list of names, saying, "'May the wubs be with you', it reads beside the name."
"Oh..." Lily hung her head, her nose almost reaching the floor.
Winter Sheen's horn lit, and the petition tucked itself back into the envelope. "Sorry to disappoint you, Miss Valley. You may go, now."
"Alright," Lily sighed. "Thank you for seeing me." She shuffled out silently, and Winter shut the door behind her.
"Was that the last of it, then?" Luna asked. With a nod from her aide, she got to her hooves.
As the two ponies made their way around the desk, Winter commented, "The petitions from Ponyville are always strange."
"Oh?"
"I remember one from a few years ago. About half the town wanted us to move Saddle Lake further from the town. Something about increasing the available waterfront property." He shook his head briefly, reopening the office door. "I think they live too close to Everfree, like the madness of that place leeches into their brains."
Luna stopped just outside the office, her eyes locked on the stallion. "Has anypony ever looked into the possibility?"
"I think there was an independent study some decades back." He shrugged. "Came up inconclusive."
"I see." Luna continued on her way, turning and heading down the hall. "Well, seeing as our business is done for the day, I shall bid you farewell for the time."
"See you around."
And with that, the two parted ways for the day.
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Equestria is a Silly Place
Rainbow Dash Beats the Stuffing Out of Everypony
One day, Rainbow Dash wakes up and decides to beat up everypony who is mean to her friends, because she is the most awesome and loyal pegasus and best friend ever.
First, she beats up Gilda the Griffon. "But we were friends," Gilda pleads.
"Well, you were mean to my pony friends, so I'm going to beat you up." And Rainbow does, pounding Gilda's feathers off.
Then Rainbow Dash beats up the mean weather ponies in Cloudsdale. She beats them up extra hard because they made fun of her when she was a filly.
Then Rainbow Dash gets her friends to unstone that big dumb meanie Discord so she can beat him up. She beats Discord until he turns purple and then beats him some more.
Then Rainbow Dash beats up the pony who sells cherries because he overcharges poor ponies that don't make much money. She beats him into a pulp and then puts one of his overpriced cherries on top.
"You're so awesome and cool, Rainbow Dash," says Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash's oldest and closest friend.
"I know," says Rainbow Dash as she stands on the pile of beaten-up meanies. She looks down into Fluttershy's eyes. She suddenly realizes how she's felt all along, and that they are meant to be together forever. Fluttershy can see Rainbow's gaze soften, and leaps into Rainbow's waiting embrace. The two mares-
"Hey, Fluttershy!" The front door burst open and Rainbow Dash zipped into the cottage. "You in here?"
Fluttershy frantically slid the paper and quill from atop her desk and into a drawer. She'd just barely gotten the story out of sight when the blue pegasus came up the stairs. "Oh, h-hi Rainbow. Um, did you need something?"
"It's time to go to the park and hang out with our pets, remember? C'mon, everypony's waiting."
Rainbow flew back down the stairs and out the door. Fluttershy sighed with relief and called out to Angel. She'd just have to finish writing later, when she had some privacy again.
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Equestria is a Silly Place
I Yup and Nope Well, I Yup and Nope Very Well
Applejack snorted. "Ya just won't give up, huh?"
Big Mac stepped up to the microphone and gave his reply. "Nope."
The crowd went wild again, and the three judges whispered amongst themselves for a few seconds before holding up their score cards. 28 points out of 30. It was the highest score for a "nope" yet, but Big Mac was only halfway through with this round.
He cleared his throat and focused his thoughts. His tongue curled in his mouth, hesitating for just the right amount of time before flicking forward to deliver his answer to a question nopony had asked. "Eeyup."
The cheering was louder than ever, and the judges only had to look at one another before they held up their cards. 30 out of 30. A perfect score.
Applejack cursed under her breath as Big Mac stepped away from the mic. 58 points was going to be hard to beat. She'd have to score both the perfect "nope" and the perfect "eeyup." She took a few deep breaths to steady herself, and walked across the stage.
She steeled her nerves as she prepared to speak. Her lips curled into an imperfect circle as the word slid out of her mouth. "Nope."
The crowd cheered again, and the judges held up their cards. 29 out of 30. AJ was close now. She could beat Big Mac if she just nailed this last round.
"Eyup." She knew it was wrong before she'd even finished the word. She hadn't waited long enough before the 'yup.' She'd just blurted it out. The crowd collectively gasped, and then fell into hushed whispers. The judges huddled together. AJ knew what was coming.
The three judges turned to her slowly and held up their score cards. 12 points out of 30. The spread was too great to recover. It was over.
Big Macintosh stepped up next to his sister as the crowd stomped their hooves in approval. He'd done it. After nine intense hours, he had proven that he was the best. The judges presented him with his trophy, which he humbly accepted.
AJ looked up at her big brother and sighed in defeat. "Alright, Big Mac, you win. You're the best at eeyupin' and nopin.' Ain't nopony gonna argue that now."
"Eeyup." And the crowd went wild.
