No Flight, No Magic, No Problem: Origins

by TheWraithWriter

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, Alternate Universe, Comedy
Length: 4549

Friends come from the unlikeliest places and practically everypony is a complete lunatic. Join three ponies just trying to get through life as they struggle, triumph, and then fall on their rumps. They aren't heroes, they just have really bad lu

Join three ponies just trying to get through life as they struggle, triumph, and then fall on their rumps. The Sandwich Maker, The Painter, and the Blacksmith. They aren't heroes, they just have really bad luck. They have nothing going for them. And yet, they somehow manage to not die.

Set in a completely different universe from my previous works.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-10-03 16:00:02 UTC

Introduction

No Flight, No Magic, No Problem

Heroes are often the unlikeliest candidates. Friends are often found in the unlikeliest places. And no matter how well you think you know something, there is always something hidden.

Approximately 999.6 years ago, we really aren’t sure, a super passive-aggressive attention whore called Nightmare-Moon was banished to the moon. And in approximately .4 years, she will return. And a group of unlikely friends will battle her.

This is not their story.

This is the story of a sandwich maker, a painter, and a blacksmith.

This is the story that tells you no matter how much the universe may hate you, you can still get laid.

Now let’s read about some ponies…

The Sandwich Maker: Cougar

The Sandwich Maker: Cougar

An earth pony, his coat a light, but not to light, shade of brown, his mane a far darker brown, almost black. His blue eyes shone with intelligence and mischief. A satchel was often on, strap nestled between shoulder and neck, the bag itself hanging on his right side. A tasty looking sandwich adorned his flank, two slices of bread, tomatoes, lettuce, bacon, a few sparkles here and there.

Just don’t mention those to him.

********

Reuben liked working in Ponyville. The town was small and quaint, just what Reuben liked in places of residence.

The sandwich maker had gotten fed up with Manehattan’s dirty sidewalks, lung-clogging air, rude populace, and the incessant unbearable noise of ponies that simply didn’t give a damn about one another. He had hopped on a late-night train, hardly caring where it dumped him.

When he had awoken in the morning, the train was pulling into a colorful town called Ponyville.

While Reuben could easily fault the town’s founders for their lack of creativity when it came to naming, he found hardly a thing wrong with the town’s colorful visage. Obviously the town’s denizens had done wonders with their place of residence.

One of the first things Reuben had done upon stepping off the train was scoping out the town’s cafés and sandwich shops. If the food was good, then Reuben could possibly make a decent start. If the food was terrible, well, Reuben was likely to be swimming in bits.

After a few rounds through the town, giving his legs a good stretch, Reuben had discovered there was only one café/restaurant in Ponyville. The place was called Sugar Cube Corner, even though it wasn’t on a corner.

As Reuben appraised the place before entering, he was startled by the sudden appearance of a startlingly pink pony with three balloons on her flank opening to restaurant’s door.

“Welcome to Sugar Cube Corner!” she shouted happily to the startled Reuben. “How tough are you?” she added, sounding cheery and serious.

“How tough am I?” Reuben said as he dusted himself off, taking her question as a personal challenge. “I once made a twelve foot long hero cake sandwich.”

“Yeah, so?” she said, sounding unimpressed.

Reuben put his best tough-guy face on. “With real butter cream icing.”

The pink pony gave a little squeak and held the door open for the sandwich maker. “Oh, right this way.”

Reuben smiled pleasantly at her and entered the establishment.

The interior was just as colorful as the exterior and Reuben noted that the seating and tables extended to an outdoor area as well. The place was clean, smelled good, and a mixture or order and chaos when it came to arrangement.

Reuben loved it.

“So, what’s your name?” the pink mare asked excitedly. “Mines Spitie Pie.”

“I’m Reuben.” the sandwich maker replied. “I’m sorry but, er, ‘Spitie Pie’?”

The pink mare took out a party noise maker and blew into it. A surprising amount of spittle came out of the end, some of it hitting Reuben.

“That’s why.” Spitie Pie said as she produced a cloth for Reuben to wipe the spittle off with.

“Thanks. Now, I don’t suppose there’s any work around here.”

“Work? Here? Oh, you mean Sugar Cube Corner. There might be. What can you do?”

Reuben stared intently at Spitie Pie for a minute or two, causing the pink pony to gasp excitedly, say something about a staring contest, and stare right back. Reuben then broke eye contact, at which Spitie Pie declared herself the winner, and dug into his satchel.

“Why do you have a man-purse?” Spitie Pie asked.

“It’s a satchel.” Reuben said defensively.

He took out several ingredients and carefully looked at each one. He then sat them down in front of him. Spitie Pie glanced from the ingredients to Reuben to see him looking at her.

“Sandwich?” he said, proffering the sandwich.

Spitie Pie took the sandwich and took a bite before squealing happily.

“Oh, oh, oh!” she said, bouncing up and down. “Hay bacon, lettuce, tomato, and, gasp, sprinkles. How did you know!?”

Reuben shrugged and nonchalantly said, “I know what ponies like.”

“Your’re hired!” Spitie Pie shouted through a mouthful of sandwich. Swallowing, she added, “Oh, and it’s time for a party!”

“A party?”

“Yes! Well, first we have to have a pre-party, the party, a post-party, and then another to celebrate how well the first three went!”

“Four parties?” Reuben asked uneasily.

“Oh at the very, merry minimum!”

Oh sweet Celestia what did I just agree to?

********

Reuben carefully put the top bun on top of the rest of the sandwich and moved the edible to the side where scores of other sandwiches were. It was a week after the sandwich maker had been hired at Sugar Cube Corner and he was currently making a surplus of premium sandwiches.

And still wondering if rape by party was grounds for a trial.

Reuben was skilled and making good sandwiches with frightening speed, but he could make excellent sandwiches when he slowed down a little. Given long enough; Reuben was confident he could construct a perfect sandwich.

But at the moment, excellent sandwiches were the order of the day and so, that’s what he was making.

He was still technically on duty for taking and preparing orders, but this was the slow time of day when ponies napped or just lazed about. Hardly rush hour.

Therefore, Reuben was surprised when he heard the bell on the door tinkle as it was pushed open and a pony entered. Or, to be more specific, a mare entered. Her coat was tan and her mane was a silvery grey with a lighter streak running through the middle. On her flank was a scroll tied with a blue ribbon. There was a pair of half-moon glasses perched on her nose in front of her dark blue eyes. She wore a white collar with a green bow-type… thing.

Okay, Reuben had no idea what that thing was, but it looked nice.

She looked around the shop, smiling after she had confirmed it was empty. Her eyes then drifted over to where Reuben stood behind the counter and she grinned as she approached him.

“Hello.” the mare said, her voice rich, feminine, and slightly accented.

“Hey.” Reuben replied. “Can I get you something?”

“Yes, I’ll have a clover leaf sandwich.”

Reuben began making the sandwich while the mare looked him over, a small smile on her face.

“Are you new in town?” she asked. “I haven’t seen you around here before.”

“Yeah, I just got her last week.”

“Really? Where are you from, if you don’t mind my asking?”

“Manehattan.”

“Interesting.” she seemed to be thinking something over. She then said. “My name is Deborah Victoria Mare, but just call me Debra or Debbie or something.”

“Three names, huh.” Reuben said as he retrieved the top bun for the sandwich. “You aren’t a serial killer are you?”

Debra chortled whilst waving a hoof at Reuben. “Oh, one for snarking are we? I think that we’re going to have some fun.”

Reuben smiled. “Perhaps. I’m Reuben by the way.” he handed her sandwich over the counter to her. “Five bits.”

She handed the money over and took her sandwich. “It was a pleasure meeting you, Reuben.”

“Likewise, miss Mare.”

She chuckled. “Oh, please don’t call me that, it makes me feel old.”

She turned and began walking away while taking a bite of her sandwich. As she chewed she made a noise, one that isn’t often associated with sandwiches. In fact, it rather disturbingly resembled a moan. As she continued to masticate the bite of sandwich the volume and, dare it be called such, passion of the noise intensified. She ended it with what was a very blatant moan followed by a loud and pronounced gulp.

Debra looked over her shoulder and grinned at Reuben with half-lidded eyes.

And then she disappeared out the door.

There was a long silence while Reuben simply stood there, his gaze fixed on the spot where the mare had just been, and tried to process what he had just witnessed. After a while, he voiced his conclusion.

“What the buck?”

********

A few days later Reuben was at a pool, making sandwiches as usual. He had been given the (honestly small) job via the Sugar Cube Corner, but he was happy for the business and the extra bits.

He was catering a party, well, more of a social gathering really. There was polite conversation and an apparent general agreement that the sandwiches were delicious.

Reuben was also given another reason to be glad he moved to Ponyville. The party throwers (Is that even a term?) were nice enough to invite him to take a dip in the pool. Reuben leapt, figuratively and literally, at the chance to cool off from the hot sun.

The sandwich maker soon found himself floating in an inflatable chair lounging with the party guests. To Reuben it seemed as though everyone had brought a pair of shades except for him as he observed dark lenses covering every pair of eyes except for his.

He shrugged and just contented himself with watching the peaceful scenery. Manehattan this was not and Reuben couldn’t be happier.

And then he saw a certain tan coated mare pass through his field of vision.

She saw him at the same time and gave what could only be called a sultry wink. Reuben noted that she was wearing a dark business suit, but that admittedly took a back-seat to the sway she put in her hips and the lust-filled look in her eyes.

Reuben breathed a sigh of relief as Debra Victoria Mare disappeared from view as she entered a house. However she soon reappeared in view via a window.

She saw Reuben, grinning wickedly as their eyes met again. The sandwich maker gulped.

Debra began undoing the buttons on her shirt, swaying and turning slowly. She shrugged the garment off while her back was to Reuben and slipped off her pants; vary blatantly putting her plot on display.

She looked over her shoulder and winked before suddenly pulling the cord on the blinds and once more disappearing from view.

“Hey, Reuben right?” said a voice.

Reuben practically jumped as the voice startled him. He turned to see a tan mare with a dark blonde mane who looked only a few years younger than him. She was floating a few yards away.

“Yeah.” he answered shakily.

“I’m Stay See. I was just wondering where you’re from. I haven’t seen you in Ponyville before.”

“I’m from Manehattan.” Reuben said, near panicking.

“Really?” she paddled in the water a little to move closer to him. “What’s it like?”

“Uh, big and, er, hard, to, er.” Reuben said, his brain desperately trying to come up with a viable solution to his current predicament. Why did I have to be straight? If I was gay this would only be weird and awkward instead of potentially getting me run out of town. …The buck did I just think? …Well, at least I’m not a pegasus, then my theoretical wings might hit someone in the face.

“Is that all?” Stay See asked, sounding disappointed.

“Uh…” Reuben suddenly jumped out of the inflatable chair and into the pool, vanishing beneath its surface.

“Huh?” Stay See asked out loud.

She then saw Reuben get out of the pool and dash behind the stand which hid most of his body from view.

He’s kind of weird. Stay See thought. He’s cute though, she smiled to herself.

********

Reuben did his best to avoid being anywhere where he could be easily seen for the next few days. That mare, Debra Victoria Mare, quite honestly scared the shit out of Reuben. He kept to the kitchen, showed up early and left late.

At the same time, Reuben was also trying to figure out what Miss Mare’s game was. Was she just a flirt and tease? Or was this her way of showing she was interested? She was very forward if the latter as true.

Reuben found that he had the perfect time to debate this with himself when he was given a job cutting a lawn. Well, ‘cutting’. In truth Reuben was just going to eat the excess grass.

It was a bright sunny day in Equestria with a nice breeze that kept things from becoming too hot. Reuben trotted over the lawn, finding rough patches of grass and gnawing on the offending stalks. All the while, he kept up an internal monologue.

Okay, so she noted that you were new, right? Maybe this is just some friendly ‘welcome-to-Ponyville’ hazing or something. Still, she did fake an orgasm while she was eating that sandwich…

Wait… what is she wasn’t faking? Are my sandwiches that good? Is she just easy to please? Gah, this is confusing.

Okay, what about that thing over by the pool? If that was hazing then Ponyville is a wretched hive of scum and villainy. A pretty colorful one at that…

Okay, what if she’s just interested in you and the only way she can express that is to drop not so subtle hints?

Ah, perhaps she has had her eye on a pony before and wasn’t forward enough and got passed by? That would explain it…

Then again, she could just be a sex addict… or fiend. Quite honestly I think I should review if it’s working.

Okay, so the scene at the shop…. Yep, pretty hot. Weird, but hot. And now the pool…. Yep, definitely physical attraction there…. And now I have to sit down for a few minutes.

Reuben dropped on his belly and began working on a particularly stubborn patch of grass, a slight red tint to his cheeks.

Just then, the front door of the house whose lawn he was ‘mowing’ opened and a tan coated mare poked her head out. (Or Mare, as it were)

“Oh, what a coincidence!”

Reuben closed his eyes. Oh please, please, sweet Celestia let it be somepony, anypony, else.

The sandwich maker slowly opened his eyes and looked to see a grinning Debra Victoria Mare standing in the doorway, wearing a wide grin and a towel.

“Oh, I would have never guessed it was you that answered my ad!” Debra called happily to Reuben.

Reuben tried, quite unsuccessfully, to hide his head in the rough patch of grass.

“Why so shy, dear?” she asked and then she looked down at herself. “Oh, I see!” she said, laughing. “Sorry, I’m expecting a masseuse soon and they practically charge by the minute.”

Reuben just nodded, grinding the blades of grass in his mouth to a pulp.

“Oh well, continue as you were then!” she called cheerily as she went back inside.

Reuben swallowed his mouthful of grass and wondered if this was a good sign. She had been far less like a succubus and towel aside pretty modest. Perhaps the other two incidents had been a test to see how he would react. So, had he passed or not?

The door suddenly opened again and Debra called out, “Oh, one last thing! I find myself in need of a caterer. Perhaps you could come by here tonight and we could discuss it?”

Reuben thought about it for a moment. Oh, why not? Worse-case scenario she’s a serial killer, right?

Aloud, he called, “Alright. When should I be here?”

“Seven good?”

“Yeah.”

“See you then!” and she disappeared inside the house again.

Another job already? This place is a goldmine for a sandwich maker like me. Oh, and Miss Debra Victoria Mare isn’t stalking me. Things are really starting to look up and beyond…. Up and beyond? Where did that come from? At least I didn’t say up, up, and away.

********

A few hours later Reuben had taken a shower and put on a simple black suit that he had brought with him from Manehattan. It was actually one of the few articles of clothing that he owned, seeing as all he normally had on was his satchel.

He approached Debra’s house just as Celestia’s sun dipped below the horizon. He knocked a few times and then heard a voice call from within.

“Come in!”

Shrugging, Reuben pushed to door open and entered to house. The living room was dark, but a light shone down a hallway, leading Reuben to the kitchen. There was a small table set for two.

Complete with candles.

That may or may not have caused Reuben to panic a little.

It’s just a business meeting Reuben, it’s just a business meeting. the sandwich maker repeated to himself. I mean, you’ve been here for maybe two weeks, max. No mare could possibly be that infatuated with you that quickly.

The possibly infatuated mare in question suddenly popped her head around a corner, her mare wrapped up in a towel.

“There you are!” she sang, causing Reuben to jump. “I’ll be but a moment, I’m afraid you caught me taking a shower. I figured you for the fashionably late type.”

And with that she disappeared from view again.

Reuben took a few deep breaths to calm himself. Just relax Reuben, she’s just a tad eccentric as we’ve established. There is no reason to panic. This is probably just how ponies conduct meetings here in Ponyville. No cause for alarm.

The sandwich maker stood there for a few more minutes fidgeting while he waited for his host to reappear. She soon did, wearing a little black dress that seemed to incorporate less cloth than a handkerchief.

Okay, so now there is.

“So, shall we start with some food or would you prefer to get right down to business?” Debra asked.

Reuben fidgeted and said, “Uh, some food would be nice, I suppose.”

Debra just smiled and pulled more than a few apple-based edibles from a cupboard.

At Reuben’s questioning look, she said, “The Apple Family is quite generous and I have difficulties saying no.”

As Reuben and Debra noshed on the Apple Family’s gifts, Reuben’s thoughts conflicting between wondering exactly what this crazy mare’s angle was and pondering the rather extensive realm that apples apparently presided over.

After a time of silence, Reuben’s hostess spoke.

“Reuben dear, I’m afraid I wasn’t entirely honest when I invited you over here.”

Reuben braced himself.

“You see, I don’t actually need a caterer, but what I do need is someone with your expertise. I’ve gotten involved in a type of cook-off with some ponies I knew from collage and well I’ll be damned if I’m going to lose to them. The point is I need not only somepony with skills in food making, but I also need an escort.”

“An escort?” Reuben asked.

Debra blushed.

She’s actually blushing?

“Well, when I ran into them they were all talking about how they had these colt-friends that were so-” here she exaggerated her speech to impress upon Reuben how air-headed these friends were “- handsome and so good in the… kitchen and when they asked me I might have thought of you and then they said that there should be a cook-off and well-” she blushed again “- here we are.”

Reuben finished chewing his bite of apple… what was it? Pizza? And then set his hooves on the table.

“So, what you’re saying is that you need a handsome and culinary skilled stallion to impress these mares from collage.”

Debra nodded, blushing.

Reuben smiled. “Well okay then.”

Debra looked surprised. “Really? I mean, I don’t know what I was thinking when I mentioned you. We’re just acquaintances after all.”

Reuben shrugged. “Eh, we know each other a little and I really see no problem showing up some snooty mares. Besides, after this I’m sure you’ll owe me a favor.”

Debra chuckled. “Oh, and here I thought I was the mastermind luring you here under false pretenses.”

Reuben joined her in her amusement. “Well, if you’re good at scheming and I am awesome at sandwiching then we’re sure to win. And those mares will just have to deal with it.”

Debra continued laughing. “Oh Reuben, you really sweet. And I apologize for the things I did earlier. Must have seemed pretty weird huh?”

Reuben shrugged. “Secret test of character, right?”

Debra Victoria Mare grinned wickedly and swirled a glass of cider. “Yes… something like that.”

Reuben chuckled, a tad nervous. “Why did you say it like that?”

“Like what, dear?” she practically purred, looking over the top of her glass at him.

Reuben was feeling nervous now, even a tad warm. He chuckled again, clearly nervous. “Heh, is it, uh, hot in here or, uh, is it just me?”

Debra’s grin became wider. “Oh, I don’t know. I am starting to feel a little hot myself.” she then set her glass down on the table. “It’s cooler upstairs, want to go up there?”

“Uh, sure, I guess.” Reuben said, and then hurriedly added. “I mean, if you want to.”

Debra nodded, just as cool and smooth as ever. “I see no problem.”

She rose and Reuben followed suit. She trotted down the hallway she had emerged from earlier and Reuben followed. A flight of stairs later and they were in a darkened hallway on the second floor.

Debra moved forward with ease even though a trailing Reuben could only just make her out in the low light and assumed her eyesight was no better. Still, she moved with purpose and ease, a definite swagger in her step. Reuben could see her plot swaying before him, almost hypnotically.

Reuben suddenly stopped as he ran into something. Specifically Debra’s plot.

As the sandwich maker turned a bright shade of red Debra looked over her shoulder and quipped, “Easy there boy, I’m just opening the door.”

He heard her snicker and the sound of a door opening. She went inside the room and Reuben followed.

The instant he was inside the door was closed and he felt Debra against him.

“I’m sorry Reuben, but I just can’t help myself.” she said breathily.

Reuben sniffed the air. “Was that cider spiked?”

“It wouldn’t have to be.” she answered, nuzzling him.

“You’re drunk, aren’t you.”

“Maybe a little bit.”

“Are you sure you want to do this?”

Debra sighed. “Hey, I’m only a little bit-” at this point her sentence was interrupted by a loud and high-pitched hiccup. She covered her mouth and blushed brightly, even in the dark. “Tipsy.” she finished.

Reuben smiled. “I don’t think you’ll be getting any tonight.”

Debra sighed. “All right…. But, could you, er, stay with me tonight?”

Reuben shrugged inwardly. Oh, why not? I doubt she could rape me in my sleep, heh, heh…. Could she?

Aloud, he said, “Okay, but no funny business during the night.”

“As you wish.” Debra chuckled as she led him over to the bed. “You can keep your clothes on if it makes you feel better.”

The two climbed into the bed and were soon asleep, unconsciously cuddling against each other.

********

Reuben woke the next morning with Celestia’s sun shining its rays directly on his head. As he yawned and stretched he pondered exactly what gave the huge, light giving sphere such great aim. Bloody trickster Goddess of the Sun.

Reuben looked over and saw that the other side of the bed was empty. This barely registered on the sandwich maker’s morning mind as he exited the bed himself.

He groaned at the realization that he had spent the whole night in his suit and quickly stripped the garment and entered the bathroom. He squinted at the bathroom’s bright light, suspecting that he had the vaguest of hangovers.

As per his usual morning routine, Reuben was quick to, uh, ‘drain the snake’? ‘Answer Nature’s cell call’? ‘Squeeze the Lemon’? We all know what’s being got at here, right?

Anyway, after concluding this, the sound of running water reached Reuben’s ears. Funny, he didn’t remember hearing it earlier. Then again, his body often woke up faster than his mind.

Reuben turned to look at the source of the noise as his hoof pressed the flushing… triggering… thingy… you know what I mean.

Anyway, Reuben turned to see frosted glass with a silhouette moving behind it with little droplets impacting the other side of the glass. The realization that it was somepony taking a shower came right after the sound of a flushing toilet reached his ears.

The next sounds that his brain registered were shouts of surprise and protest intermingled with profanity and repetition of ‘Hot, hot, hot!’ in a very alarmed manner.

There was the squeak of knobs being turned and the frosted glass door of the shower opened to reveal a dripping wet Debra Victoria Mare.

“Morning Reuben.” she said, panting as steam rolled of her body and the floor of the shower. “Playing a prank or not realize I was in here?”

“Uh, the latter?” Reuben answered.

Debra whipped her wet hair out of her eyes with a flick of her head. “Well, I believe you and there’s no real harm done.” she smirked at Reuben.

Reuben realized he’d been staring approximately two seconds later and fumbled for a response. “Uh, could I, er, get you a towel?”

“Oh, I don’t think there’s any need for that.” Debra lightly bit her lip as she eyed Reuben up and down. “My, is that-” a quick laugh came out of her mouth “-heh, ‘foot-long’ normal in the mornings or is this a special occasion?”

Reuben blushed hotly and averted his eyes from Debra’s dripping body. “I should-”

He was most likely to finish that sentence with ‘go’, but was cut off by a yelp from his own mouth as Debra suddenly pulled him into the shower.

“Hey there.” she said in a smoldering tone, her face inches from his.

Reuben chuckled nervously.  “H-hey. Are you sure…?”

Debra nodded. “I’m sober and well, thanks to you flushing the toilet I’m already hot and wet.

She giggled at her own joke and closed the shower door while turning the water back on. The mare was then surprised when Reuben kissed her first.

Ah, a gentleman. Debra thought to herself. No wonder he’s been so shy. Although, I do hear they’re sweet and really good lovers.

Grinning, Debra sandwiched Reuben between a wall and herself, her hooves roaming eagerly and her mouth kissing hungrily.

A thought that brought forth another giggle was that things were really getting hot and steamy now.