Chapters Fluttershock
Twilight Sparkle carried Spike down the long dirt road toward Fluttershy’s house. Thursdays were a great day to spend time with Fluttershy, as they were light on her studying schedule. Ever since she started studying on her own in Ponyville, Twilight kept a strict timetable for her lessons, very similar to the one she held back in the Royal Magic Academy. Some adjustments were made, of course, so that she could be free whenever her new friends were off duty or off from work. Fluttershy more than any of the others made her own hours, but for some reason Thursday or Friday afternoons suited her best. Today she expected the most relaxed afternoon of her whole week, but Twilight had no idea what she was getting into.
A third knock and still no response. Twilight was starting to get worried. Spike was insisting Fluttershy was asleep, but it was long past noon. Twilight stepped around the side of the house to peak into the kitchen window. The usual din of small animals was absent and replaced with an eerie silence, but as she approached the open window a low growling sound could be heard. It was cut off by a short shriek from Fluttershy. With a gallop that nearly threw Spike off her back, Twilight leaped forward to peer through the wide kitchen window. There was a shocking sight that drew all the breath from her body.
Before her was Fluttershy lying on the table. Behind her was a brown pegasus stallion. Fluttershy was screaming, but screaming in ecstasy.
Before Twilight could even scream, she had teleported herself to the middle of the park. Fluttershy’s house had been replaced by the majestic fountain, and the grunting and screaming has been replaced by the gentle warble of nearby birds.
“Wha! Whoa! Heargh! Hey!”, Spike was thrown from Twilight’s back. She knew he would be very unhappy. Teleporting with a passenger was forbidden for a reason. Spike was disoriented and taken by a wave of heeby-jeebies. “What was that for?”
“Spike! Did you see anything?”
“What? No!” Spike began righting himself and brushing his scales with his bare claws. “I was just minding my own business when Pow! I end up here.”
“You didn’t see Fluttershy? You didn’t see anypony?”
“I’m telling you Fluttershy was sleeping. Why can’t you accept that?” Spike scoffed.
“Oh! She was sleeping all right! But she wasn’t sleeping alone!”
Spike paused quizzically. “Of course not, she’s got like 50 million pets.”
“Spike, are you sure your delicate young mind wasn’t damaged?”, Twilight was pleading.
Spike became suspicious. “Is this related to the books in the locked drawer that you won’t let me read?”
Twilight panicked, “Yes! I mean No! I mean, maybe! Nevermind.”
Spike scoffed again. “Whatever. If I can’t rely on Fluttershy for snacks, I’m going to have to go into town. You coming with me?”
Twilight sat down on the grass. “No, I’ll be fine. I just need to be alone for a bit.”
Twilight Sparkle did, indeed, need time for her mind to process what she had just seen. Twilight peered down into the water of the fountain. The constant movement blurred her reflection into a haze of ripples. Like the water, her life was now chaotic. It was as if she has been nestled comfortably in the bosom of a world made for 4-14 year old fillies, but had now been crashed into a sordid world of thirty somethings. She stared into the water for what seemed like hours, until another reflection joined hers.
“Hello Twilight”, cooed Fluttershy.
Twilight nearly jumped out of her skin.
“Oh my. I hope I didn’t startle you. I don’t like being startled from behind. It’s very startling.”
Twilight said nothing.
“I’m really looking forward to our tea party tomorrow. It’s going to be so much fun.”
The proofreading side of Twilight’s brain kicked in before the others, and it blurted out “The party was supposed to be today!”
Fluttershy giggled, “No, today is Wednesday. The party isn’t until Thursday.”
Twilight covered her mouth with her hoof, preventing the corrections to continue--but the damage was already done. Fluttershy could see it all in her face. She froze, mid-giggle.
“Uh, no.”
Fluttershy leaned in with a stark glare. “Did you see anything?”
A “Maybe” escaped Twilight’s mouth.
“What did you see?” Fluttershy demanded.
Twilight squeaked, “You were at the kitchen table. That's all.”
“What was I doing on the kitchen table?”
“Oh, you were having a... meal...”
Fluttershy peered deep into Twilight’s purple eyes “What sort of meal?”
“You know, just an ordinary meal. Nothing unusual for a kitchen table.”
All at once, a cold wave came upon Twilight. A heaviness overtook her heart as if she had been submerged in a deep swamp. Fluttershy had initiated THE STARE. No creature, great or small could resist the power of Fluttershy’s eyes. Once the stare was begun, only Fluttershy could break it. Looking away was impossible, closing your eyelids was a lost cause, and denying the pink-maned one was a doomed venture. Resisting was like having your heart crushed by two giant claws made of ice.
“I’ll ask you again Twilight. What sort of meal did you see?”
Her eye began to twitch. The will of Twilight Sparkle was broken. “You want to know what kind of meal I saw? Do you? You were the meal, Fluttershy! The buns on that table were yours and your guest brought the hot butter! He was riding you like the morning train to Canterlot! You were in the throes of unbridled carnal knowledge!”
With a high pitched note, Fluttershy’s entire body tensed up. She fell to the ground like a statue.
Twilight composed herself. Her eyes darted around to make sure no one had heard her. The coast seemed to be clear, save one cross-eyed pegasus. She seemed totally uninterested, as she was snacking on a muffin at the time.
Turning to her statuesque friend, Twilight was relieved that she wasn’t talking. She couldn't bear the embarrassment of continuing after what she had just said. Leaning over, Fluttershy showed no signs of movement. Twilight prodded with a hoof. She wasn’t moving.
An hour later Twilight sat in the waiting room at the Ponyville hospital. She looked at her hooves-her face wet with tears.
The front door flew open. All of Fluttershy’s friends galloped in. They were feverish with questions, and Twilight answered them all to the best of her knowledge. A half-circle of five serious faces surrounded her. Spike was on Rarity’s back, and he didn’t even seem to be enjoying it. The seriousness of the matter had sunk in.
Applejack was the first to start. “Are her family here?”
Twilight sighed. “No, Applejack, they aren’t coming. She needs us right now. And when you see her you’ll be told why.”
They proceeded down the long blue hall. In a well lit room there was a single bed containing a frozen Fluttershy. She was propped up on her back with the sheet clumsily covering her in her unruly position. The doctor walked over to Twilight Sparkle and they exchanged a knowing nod. The doctor then left the friends there and closed the door behind him.
Twilight stole a deep breath and began, “Fluttershy has come down with a case of Shy Shock. It’s a form of a panic attack that is very severe. There isn’t any medical or magical cure for such a condition.”
“But there is a cure, right?” demanded Rainbow Dash.
“Yes, there is. But the only way to break someone out of a shy shock is for them to witness something more embarrassing than the thing that triggered the attack.” A hush fell over the room-except from Pinkie Pie. Pinkie was by her bedside, bawling uncontrollably.
Applejack laughed weakly to break the tension. “Ha! Surely it couldn’t have been too bad of a shock. This is Fluttershy we’re talking about. Tell me Twilight, what spooked this little filly so bad?”
Twilight leaned back and blushed. “Well, she was sort of in a passionate embrace, and I walked in on her.”
The others just looked at her.
“They were locked in a passionate embrace. There bodies had intertwined as one. Their breath was short from the fiery passion of their physical union!”
Rainbow dash was puzzled. ”Um, so they were doing it?”
“Yes, Rainbow Dash. They were doing it.” Twilight replied.
“Hold on here,” interjected Rarity, “With who? I didn’t know Fluttershy was seeing some pony!”
“It’s a pegasus. He must live in Cloudsdale--I’ve never seen him in Ponyville.” said Twilight.
“Whoa! What happened to this chap? Where is he now?” demanded the purple-maned mare.
“I don’t know who he is. They didn’t see me, I just escaped.” whispered Twilight.
“Hold on there,” Applejack stepped forward, “ If you didn’t get caught peeping, when did Fluttershy get spooked?”
“Later in the day, when I told her what happened.” Twilight sank into the corner, blushing.
Applejack was very disappointed. “Twilight! Why would you blurt something like that out!”
“I didn’t have a choice! She made me! She gave me the Stare!”
“Oh, well I guess it was out of your hooves then.” Applejack stepped back. The others looked at each other and nodded in agreement.
And so the floor show began. The first chapter was a session of truth or dare, where many frightful secrets were revealed. None of which can be revealed here due a pact signed in blood that very night.
Round two involved Pinkie Pie smashing cake into people’s faces.
Rarity dressed up Spike in the ‘girliest’ outfits she could get in small sizes, complete with make up. It was more than enough to send Spike running out of the room, but it did nothing for Fluttershy.
Rarity was visibly shaken by the failure. She flew from the room and returned in the most embarrassing ensemble she could assemble from her wardrobe. Not only was it pairing blue with green, but it was mixing vertical and horizontal stripes as well!
“Y’all are being to clever, Rarity. This here calls for a blunt tactic, like dunking your head in a basin of ice water.” spouted Applejack.
“Oh Really, then would you be up for a bit of Ice Embarrassment?” replied Rarity.
“I sure as shootin’ am!” boasted Applejack.
Within ten minutes Applejack’s mane had been shaved. She ran out of the room in tears. Despite this, there was no change in Fluttershy.
“Ah, phooey.” Rainbow Dash hurled her empty coffee cup into the trash bin. This was their third coffee break and the evening had run out into the next morning. The five mares were now tired and broken in the well lit hospital room.
“I just can’t believe Fluttershy would have so much to be embarrassed about in the first place.” said Applejack.
“Tell me about it. I didn’t even think she was that way.” replied Rainbow Dash.
“Beg pardon?”, Rarity raised her perfectly sculpted eyebrow.
“You know, that extra long mane, how she keeps to herself. Ever notice how you never see her talk to colts? I mean, I wasn’t going to say anything, but seriously though, I thought she swung that way.”
“Seriously?!?” Twilight gaped Rainbow Dash with wide eyes.
“Wow! That would like tottaly be a bombshell! Imagine the scandal of it all! Twilight! If you had walked in on Fluttershy with a mare! That would be like the most biggest gossip ever!” Pinkie pie continued on her rant as Twilight Sparkle became lost in thought.
“Applejack. I know what must be done. Clear everyone out of here. Rainbow Dash, close the curtains. Pinkie Pie?”
“Yeah boss!”
Twilight glared at the pink pony with the fire of an active volcano. “GET. ME. BREATH MINTS.”
Within minutes, the room was set up. Twilight and Pinkie were standing at the foot of the bed for Fluttershy to see, chomping loudly on Breath mints. Pinkie’s eyes darted around at the locked door and drawn curtains, trying to figure out what she was doing there. Twilight Sparkle knew what had to be done, but she kept on tossing mints into her mouth, avoiding the inevitable.
“Boy, I do love mints,” Pinkie started, “ I heard that if you bite into a wintergreen mint in the dark, it makes a spark! And that must be true because ‘dark’ and ‘spark’ rhyme! I always wondered what would happen if you ate wintermints in the summer! Maybe you’d turn into a mint yourself!”
It was now or never. Twilight didn’t feel up to it, but at least it would stop Pinkie Pie from talking. She grabbed the pink pony’s face and looked her in the eyes. “I’m sorry, I have to do this”, she whispered as she brought her lips to Pinkie’s. Polite nose rubbing be damned, it was time for a long passionate kiss. Pinkie was surprised and confused, but she did not protest. Twilight moved her hooves down Pinkie’s back...
“STOP!” screamed Fluttershy.
“Fluttershy!” Twilight was elated. The shy one had snapped out of her comatose state. Fluttershy had been restored and was lunging over the hospital bed, pawing at Twilight’s back.
“Um, so Twilight, you doing anything later?” grinned Pinkie Pie.
“That was just a demonstration!” Twilight Sparkle corrected her friend.
Fluttershy had retreated underneath her sheet. She began to squee from deep down in her gullet, as if she was about to swallow her own heart.
“I’m so sorry for embarrassing you like that. I didn’t mean to!” said Twilight.
“It’s Ok, it wasn’t your fault. I should have drawn the curtains. It was very rude of me not to.”
“Fluttershy, what was that? Who was that pony in your house?”
A head popped out from under the sheet. “He’s a special friend of mine. He visits me sometimes.”
“Is that really okay? Is he taking advantage of you?”
Fluttershy stood up in bed and looked down at her hooves. “No Twilight. He only comes over when I ask him to. He’s a good friend.”
“What? I’m your good friend, Fluttershy!”
“I know, but I’m older than you. I have certain needs. I’m too shy to really fall in love with a nice Stallion, so this arrangement is what works for me now. I know I can’t ask you to understand, but it’s just the way it is.”
Twilight sighed. “I don’t understand, but I do trust you. I should have trusted you from the beginning. I’m sorry. You need to live your life as you see fit.“
It was Fluttershy's turn to sigh now. “I guess everypony in Ponyville now knows about my special friend.”
“No, just us friends, but the others understand a lot better. C’mon, Fluttershy, lets go tell them you’re OK.”
“OK. Thank you for outing yourself for me.”
“Eargh! That was just a demonstration! I am not dating Pinkie Pie!”
The three exited the room to greet their friends. They were elated to see Fluttershy up and around.
“Golly! What did you do Twilight?” questioned Applejack.
“Let’s just say you got off easy”, sighed Twilight.
“Oh! I’m sorry, Twilight. I couldn’t hear you. My head was too cold.”
Dear Princess Celestia,
Having close friends can mean crossing some personal boundaries. But when lines get crossed it’s important to trust your friends and know when to leave well enough alone. I thought I was getting the study of friendship under control, but after yesterday I know that there is a whole world of friendship I have yet to experience.
I’m going to re-double my efforts and study even harder than before!
Your Student, Twilight Sparkle
Epilogue:
Twilight and Rarity had the picnic cloth set up just right. Light snacks were being set out by Applejack and Rainbow Dash. Fluttershy was off to the side under a tree, looking out over the park.
“Twilight, you put ‘pick up mouthwash’ on this checklist 6 times. Are sure this is right?” said Spike.
“Yes, it is”, Twilight sighed. She still couldn’t get the taste of pink frosting out of her mouth. After sending Spike on his way, Twilight stepped away from the others to talk to Fluttershy.
“It will be good to finally meet this Stallion friend of yours, Fluttershy.” Twilight consulted her friend, who was looking much better than she did earlier that week.
“Oh, yes. He’s just going to pass by, you know, by accident. I’ll introduce him as an old friend from flight school. You and I will be the only one wise to who he really is.”
“Good. And we’ll leave it at that. I just have one question I can’t quite figure out. Why the kitchen?” Twilight whispered.
Fluttershy giggled softly behind her hoof, “Oh, Twilight, it was the kitchen’s turn.”
Surely enough, the tall brown stallion walked by the park's dirt path. Fluttershy waved him over with a hoof.
Rarity said “Hello!”
Pinkie shouted “Heya!”
Rainbow Dash chimed in, “Hey, Dad!”
Fluttershocked 2: Rainbow Boogaloo
Fluttershocked 2: Rainbow Boogaloo
Dash was reclining on a small cloud when she got the whiff of a terrifying scent. She sat up with a start to catch the wind in her muzzle. It was coming closer. The smell of bunnies and butterflies could belong to only one pegasus, Fluttershy.
She ducked into the cloud, hiding as best she could on short notice, but it was too late. “Oh, Hi, Rainbow Dash!”, exclaimed Fluttershy. This was it. The most terrifying thing Rainbow Dash could imagine, far worse than any of the death-defying aerial acrobatic stunts she had done. She was going to have to talk to Fluttershy, her new mother.
Not that they had been officially married yet, but at this point Fluttershy had long since moved in with Mr. Dash, and any marriage ceremony would be academic. Fluttershy, much to the surprise
Rainbow Dash and her father had not been on speaking terms for years--yet having your close friend date your father was mortifying. The jokes and jabs from her other friends and co-workers were bad enough, but talking to Fluttershy? She’d be getting it straight from the horse's mouth! There was no argument you could win with someone who was sleeping with your parent. None!
What did she have to say to her? There were too many horrible things to imagine. She could start droning on and on about how lovey-dovey she was with her father. Ick! She could start ordering her around like a mother would. Getting sent to her room by Fluttershy was not something Rainbow could bear. Worst of all, she could drop the bomb that Rainbow Dash would soon be joining Applejack and Rarity in the big-sister club!
And so this was it. Fluttershy floated over to her. Ever since they moved in together, Fluttershy’s flying had greatly improved. That’s why it was hard to hate her for it.
“So, hi.” stammered a frozen Rainbow Dash.
“How have you been?” returned Fluttershy.
“Oh, I’m good.”
There was no superiority to Fluttershy, no judgments or opinions. It was just her old friend coming by for a chat. “I haven’t heard from you for a while. I was getting worried that you didn’t want to see me anymore.”
Dash kicked the cloud beneath her. “No, I’ve just been busy with the weather and all."
The two stole a moment to just look at each other. They hugged.
“You should come by Sugarcube Corner next week. Pinkie is throwing a party. We’ll all be there.” invited Fluttershy.
Rainbow Dash agreed. It was good to have her friend back. They broke the embrace and Fluttershy floated off. Dash waved goodbye to her friend.
Before she got far, Fluttershy turned, “By the way, when am I getting some grandkids? I’m not getting any younger you know!”
The Mounting of Rainbow Dash
Rainbow Dash had never done anything like this before. It was a moment she’d waited for all her life. Now that it was here, it deserved to be seen by everyone. In her precious hooves was a letter of recommendation to the Wonderbolts. She was in! Her life’s dream had been achieved. However, she wouldn’t be called up to serve until next season. She had too much left to do with Twilight and her friends in Ponyville. A loyal friend like her couldn’t abandon them for Canterlot so easily, so this was a fair compromise.
Still, this letter was something to be celebrated and that can mean only one thing; Mounting it in a frame!
“Stupid thing! How do I get it to stay straight?!” Rainbow fussed with the letter. It seemed every time she tried to close the frame, the contents would shift. “Phooey!” This was getting her nowhere. She had taken the whole day off to work on this project, but it was noon and there was no progress. It was time to seek assistance. After all, this letter deserved the best mounting of any letter in Cloudsdale!
She packed up her things in her saddlebag and glided down to Ponyville to ask for help.
Rarity was measuring out fabric patterns for different sizes. She put her pen down to answer the knock at the door. It was Rainbow Dash.
“Rarity! Do you know anything about mounting?”
Rarity was taken back. “Why?! What have you heard?”
“I haven’t heard anything, I just have some questions. I figured you’d be the one to ask. Y’know, cause you’re so creative and fashionable.”
“Oh,” Rarity was relieved. “Of course I am, Rainbow Dash. And, by the way, if you hear anything from the Racquetball Club, they’re all liars! Now what do you need to know?”
“Well, I’ve got something I’ve been trying to mount all morning, but I just can’t get it to fit right.”
The white unicorn was confused. “Um whom have you been trying this with?”
“Well, I’ve been trying this alone.”
A demure laugh spouted from Rarity, “Haha! Rainbow you need a partner for that sort of thing!”
“Yeah, I figured! That’s why I came to you!”
Rarity choked on her laughter. The choking turned to panic. With a simple “Sorry-just-remembered-I-have-a-dental-appointment!”, she rushed Rainbow Dash out the door and locked it.
Rainbow was puzzled and a little bit hurt but she continued on her quest for assistance. Later, she came across Pinkie Pie and Applejack sharing a Real Fruit Smoothie at a small cafe downtown.
“Hey, Applejack! I’d like to do some mounting today! Can you help me out?”
Applejack spit her smoothie across the table. “WHAT?!”
Pinkie Pie giggled.
“You heard me. Mounting is something want done today, and I need a partner.”
“And you want me to do it for ya? Just like that?”, Applejack was petrified.
Pinkie Pie giggled again.
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes, “Well, I’d LIKE it to be you, but I don’t have all day.”
“So, is that all I mean to you!?” Applejack galloped off in a fit.
“What’s her deal?” Rainbow Dash questioned.
Bless poor Pinkie Pie. She would have told Dash everything, but all her breath was devoted to rolling on the ground laughing hysterically.
That evening, a frustrated Rainbow Dash visited Twilight Sparkle in her library tree. The purple unicorn and the dragon were there working on checklists, as always.
“Twilight, I really need your help. I’ve been trying all day, but I’ve got no answers.”
“What is it, Rainbow Dash?”
“I need help with mounting. I don’t know anything about it and I have so many questions.”
“Spike, go to your room.” Twilight insisted. Spike complied, but only because he was too tired to argue.
Once they were alone, Twilight consoled her friend. “I know how hard it is ask these things. I have some books that will help.” She turned to get the key for her ‘special drawer’ of books.
“OK, can I do it on this table? I promise I won’t make a mess.” Rainbow said.
Twilight paused. “Wait, what exactly are you mounting?”
“I’m mounting this letter from Princess Celestia in a frame. What did you think I meant?”
Twilight panicked. “Wait, have you been asking everypony in town to help you ‘mount’?”
“Um, not everypony, there was just Rarity, and Pinkie Pie, and Applejack, and Pipsquek, and the Racquetball Club...”
Twilight facehoofed. “You do realize that ‘mounting’ is what it’s called when two ponies get together to reproduce , don’t you?”
Rainbow Dash was awash with a look of horror as the events of the past day were replayed in her mind. “Sweet Celestia!”
Twilight spent that evening consoling her friend over weak tea, and made sure the letter was properly mounted in its frame. An hour and a half later, Rainbow Dash was feeling better, and excused herself to use the little filly’s room. While she was gone, Twilight placed the frame on her own wall to admire it.
It truly was a fine mounting.
Just then Rarity burst into the room. “Twilight! You won’t believe what Rainbow said to me today!”
Twilight smirked, “She asked you to help her with mounting?”
“Yes! How did you know?”
“Because she asked me the same thing.”
“That two-timer!”
The Tryouts Part 1 Comfort Foods
Twilight Sparkle ducked her head beneath the window of Sugarcube Corner. Pinkie Pie was working today. Avoiding Pinkie Pie was a herculean task. If it weren’t for her ability to teleport, Twilight would not get a moments peace. It all started months ago when she had to make out with her in order to break Fluttershy out of a shyshock.
“Hi.” said Fluttershy.
Twilight jumped. “Fluttershy! What are you doing here?”
“Oh, I’m just picking up some lemon drops. They are hard to get up in Cloudsdale.” It had been almost a month since she’d moved in with Mr. Dash up in the clouds.
“Say, since you’re going in there, could you pick me up a sticky bun. Or a cinnamon roll. It’s all the same.” begged Twilight.
“Sure, but why do you need me to get it for you?” She peeked her head in the window. “Oh, I see. Pinkie Pie is still after you.”
“Yeah, I usually treat myself every month on the 5th for studying so hard. Self-motivation is important for a proper study schedule...”
Fluttershy’s eyes went wide, and her mouth agape. “DID YOU SAY TODAY WAS THE FIFTH?!”
“Pinkie! The day has arrived!”
“It’s the 5th already?!” Pinkie gave a huge leaping gasp, not unlike the one she greeted Twilight with when she first arrived in Ponyville. “You’ll need the wagon!” She ran into the back and got a red wagon with an extra strap to pull it with, and loaded it up with a dozen cupcakes. Pinkie shoved her out the door. “Hurry, it’s almost sundown! Get a move on! Oh, hi Twilight! Want to make out?”
After teleporting herself from another awkward pinkie encounter, Twilight found Fluttershy running around downtown, picking up food, then darting back to her old home at the edge of the Everfree Forest.
“Fluttershy, what is all of this?” her red wagon was now filled with ice cream, cupcakes, mashed potatoes, mac and cheese boxes and chicken soup. Twilight tried to piece together what was happening.
“They are comfort foods.” Fluttershy revealed.
Twilight had stumbled upon one of the greatest known but least talked about rituals in Ponyville. This was the bi-annual Wonder Bolts tryouts. At sundown, Rainbow Dash would be returning for the fifth time with the results of her application to the famous aerial stunt team.
Fluttershy unlocked the door to her former home. She had been living with her boyfriend for Cloudsdale for weeks, but the lease was not up on her cabin until July. She went to the back and made sure the power and water heater had been turned on proceeded to put away her wagon full of food.
Twilight looked on in wonder. The cabin was so quiet. All the animals Fluttershy worked with had been moved to another building downstream that was more cost effective. Despite living in the clouds, Fluttershy spent most of her time down in Ponyville working with animals. This was good because it enabled her to stay close to her friends.
“I’m guessing Rainbow Dash doesn’t take the rejection very well.” commented Twilight.
“Oh, it’s awful. It’s the kind of uncontrolled bawling that can only be helped by long periods of hugging and comfort foods.”
Twilight pitched in with putting the food away. Some quick math left her to believe that half of Rainbow Dash’s caloric intake for the year was to occur that very night.
“You know, if she does make it in this year, you’ll have bought all this stuff for nothing.” Twilight joked.
Fluttershy shot daggers at Twilight. It was then when the purple unicorn realized what she had said. If Dash did join the Wonder Bolts, she’d have to move to Canterlot, and we’d never see her again. Twilight regretted having said anything.
“She is so hard on herself.” lamented Fluttershy as she began putting the last of the ice cream in the freezer. “ I remember the day she knocked me down to the ground. That’s when I got my cutie mark. But when Rainbow finished the race and found out what she’d done, she found me and lifted me back up to the clouds. She begged me and my parents for forgiveness.”
“Sounds like she’s a good friend.” Twilight observed.
“Oh she is! Rainbow Dash was the one who got me to arrange the choir of birds for the Summer Sun Celebration. She’s always pushing me to interact more with ponies.”
Twilight began to put two and two and two together. Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash were more than old classmates. Fluttershy depended on Rainbow Dash to be her big sister, and to force her to make friends and believe in herself. Rainbow Dash needed Fluttershy to mother her when she was upset (as rare as that was). Now that Fluttershy was dating her actual parent, she had no one to confide in without being shamed. Mr. Dash was a notorious taskmaster that accepted nothing but perfection from her filly, and with each failed application to the Wonder Bolts, Rainbow Dash and her father grew further apart.
Fluttershy dropped the tub of ice cream. “What if she doesn’t come? What if she doesn’t want to be my friend anymore?!” Fluttershy began to tear up. Twilight ran over to her.
“Hush now! Rainbow Dash it the loyalest of friends! She won’t be abandoning any of us.” Twilight dried the pegasus’ tears. “I’m sure she’ll be back here any minute, and you’ll be consoling her just like you’ve always done! You’re important to her, Fluttershy, and no matter what happens, you will always be there for her when she’s down.”
At that point the front door flew open. There stood Rainbow Dash in a full Wonder Bolts uniform. “Guess who got accepted to the Wonder Bolts?!”
Fluttershy and Twilight Sparkle started bawling uncontrollably. Rainbow Dash trotted over to the cooktop to make them some mac and cheese.
The Tryouts Part 2 Casting Couch
Rainbow Dash was piqued with excitement. After 2 days of tryouts, she had made it to the finals. In all her years she had never made it this far. She stood in the hallway with two other pegasi she wasn’t acquainted with. What seemed like hours later, Spitfire poked her head out of the door and asked for one of the others to step into the evaluation room.
Within five minutes of that, however, that mare came storming out, crying.
“I guess those are the breaks.” said Rainbow Dash.
The second mare crept into the evaluation room. It was odd that this all came down to a small room in the middle of Canterlot Castle. Especially since all the other vettings were done in the air force barracks.
Within a few more minutes, the second mare stormed out of the room, also crying. Rainbow felt sorry for her, but this could only mean one thing! They had saved the best for last.
Rainbow was soon inside the room. It seem strangely cozy for the Wonderbolts. It had soft furniture and a vitriola played soothing music. The room was triangular, leaving Dash to believe there was a second lounge behind the far wall. The strangest thing was that there was a fancy couch on the side wall. Sitting on it was Soarin, completely naked. Not that nudity wasn’t the norm in Equestria, but Rainbow Dash had never seen a Wonder Bolt out of their uniform before.
Spitfire sat behind her desk with a spiral bound day planner and a tin full of pencils. She sized Rainbow up and rubbed her hooves together in satisfaction. “Congratulations, Dash. You’ve made it to the final test. We just need one last thing from you and we’ll know if you’re cut out to be one of us.”
Dash panicked. “This isn’t going to involve a written test is it?!”
Spitfire snickered. “Oh, no. You can do this orally.”
“Ok, good. I’m good at taking tests orally. Give me your worst! I can take anything you can dish out!”
“You are just too much, Rainbow Dash.” Spitfire had to choke down a chuckle. “But Sourin will be administering this test. It will be up to him to judge your... physical abilities.” Spitfire wore an evil grin. Soarin was making bedroom eyes at Dash, and motioned for her to join him on the couch.
Rainbow Dash blushed. “So that’s how it is?!”
“Yes, that’s how it is. If you want in to the Wonder Bolts, you need to let Sourin give you body a thorough inspection.”
“What about you?”
Spitfire licked her lips. “I like to watch.”
One thing was clear. Rainbow Dash was not going to get into the Wonder Bolts unless she put out. She began to feel a pang in her stomach. Her entire life had been spent pursuing this, and it all amounted to something so petty. She turned for the door.
“C’mon Dashie, don’t be such a baby.” teased Spitfire.
Rainbow Dash gritted her teeth. Her dreams and standards were now at odds with each other. She felt like her entire perspective on life had been shattered. Then she remembered something her father said; “If you don’t have the right perspective, there’s no way you can fly in the right direction.” Rainbow struggled to finally put together what those words meant.
Then it hit her. The night before she was in the barracks with the other hopefuls. She had stepped outside to look into the night sky. It was so beautiful. She saw what she swore was Princess Luna traveling through the sky, though it could have just been a shooting star. Blossomforth joined her on the field. “Those Wonder Bolts are something.”
Rainbow Dash laughed. “Are they ever! That’s why I’m here!”
“But wouldn’t you like a taste of them? You know that Rapidfire is pretty hot.” Blossomforth said with a wink.
“Oh, are you kidding? If I had half a chance I’d date them all! Behind each others backs!” she laughed! They had gone on all night describing what they’d like to do to which Wonderbolt.
And yet here she was running from the very thing she would have given anything to do yesterday?
Rainbow Dash understood now. It was their rules, but didn’t mean she couldn’t play her way. She shut the door and turned to Soarin on the couch.
Soarin was glad it was her who accepted his offer. It was even better that she was crying. The tears make it all the sweeter. Funny, it didn’t sound like crying, more like a feral growl. Sourin saw through his own arrogance into the hungry stare of Rainbows eyes, but it was too late. She pounced on him.
Spitfire’s mouth was agape with what she was witnessing. The force of Dash's movements made the strong Soarin a rag doll to be played with. Any protests he made with his hoofs were swatted away. The entire room was shaking with her fury, to the point where the pencils in the tin on her desk were dancing about. She was feeling a mix of excitement, jealousy and fear. All these feelings solidified into terror when Dash shot a look at her. Rainbow mouthed the words “You’re next.”
By the end of that day, the hallway outside the evaluation room was full of injured Wonder Bolts. Some had sore hunches, others were bruised and battered, most were exhausted. All were being treated for dehydration. As the nurse pegasi were running about, a limping Spitfire made her way to the throne room of Princess Celestia.
“My Princess! I am happy to announce we have chosen our newest member. I’d like to suggest she start immediately, as we have sustained several... injuries.”
The Princess was calmly sipping her tea. “That’s interesting. I thought there was no flying for you today, for tryouts. How odd.”
Spitfire tried to hide her shame behind her flight goggles. “It seems we were over-eager in our attempts to vett our applicants.”
Princess Celestia spoke dryly. “You won’t be making such mistakes in the future, I presume?”
Spitfire hung her head in shame, defeated. “Yes, my Princess.”
“And I trust you’ll be removing your ‘casting couch’ from the evaluation room.” Celestia took another sip of tea.
“That won’t be necessary, my Princess. The casting couch has already been smashed to pieces.”
Rainbow Dash now stood alone before Celestia. It was all she could do to hold back the huge grin on her face. She had been accepted by her heroes, tasted them, and now was wearing her very own Wonder Bolts uniform. This was the best day ever!
The Princess finished her tea and addressed her new servant. “Congratulations Rainbow Dash. You’re spirit has helped me improve morale and do away with some unsavory selection practices. You deserve a medal for this.”
“Your Majesty”, a bit of Rainbows grin was seeping through “I was happy to help. This is truly the opportunity of a lifetime.”
Celestia grinned back. “Yes, but there is still the matter of the Elements of Harmony. My pupil Twilight Sparkle still needs to study your methods of friendship in Ponyville.”
Rainbow’s heart sank.
“I think it would be best if I didn’t call you up to active duty until until next season, at the earliest.”
“Well, can I at least keep the outfit?” Rainbow Dash begged.
“Of course, my friend. You can take it with you. I’ll be sending a letter of recommendation shortly. Feel free to tell all your friends about your great accomplishment! You, more than any pegasus I know are Wonder Bolts material! Thank you for all you’ve done for us this day.”
With mixed feelings, Rainbow Dash darted past the evaluation room toward the palace exit. Spitfire was pushing Soarin, the last of the injured, away on a stretcher. As they disappeared into the long hallway, Rainbow Dash heard him call out to her;
“I regret nothing!”
Shining Armor Dumps on Rarity
Rarity tossed her mane as she trotted down main street of Ponyville. It had been an exhausting day. First, she had to convince Spike to take out the garbage for her. Second, she charmed Snips and Snails into moving some heavy boxes of fabric. Lastly, she got Big McIntosh to deliver a cart full of dresses. But now it was her time, she had agreed to greet Fluttershy at the train station. Fluttershy had been at the Equestria Animal Rescue convention in Appleloosa.
After a few minutes of waiting the train pulled in. It seemed to have a few extra cars on it than usual. A few minutes more and Fluttershy appeared, brandishing not only her normal travel bag, but a steamer trunk full of swag she had picked up from the various tables at the expo. Rarity greeted her friend, but was not enthused about carrying that trunk. She began to look around the platform for eligible stallions.
At the end of the platform, getting out of a private car was a handsome white unicorn with a light blue mane. He had a mare with him in a black suit and sunglasses. Someone with a personal guard and a personal train car could only be a VIP from Canterlot--perhaps royalty!
“Rarity, do you think you could help me carry this trunk to the shipping station? I need to have it shipped up to Cloudsdale.” asked Fluttershy meekly.
“Oh, just wait a minute, dear. I’ll have a strapping stallion to carry it in a moment.” Rarity said with a squee.
Rarity trotted over to the handsome piece of plot, but she was cut off by the mare in black. “Please step away from Mr. Shining Armor! I will have to check you for weapons!”
“But I’m naked.” Rarity protested, but to no avail. The mare in black gave her a pat down anyway.
“You’ll have to forgive my bodyguard, Cinnamon Viper. She takes her job very seriously.”
Rarity was a bit embarrassed. “Oh, are you two a couple?”
“I’m a lesbian!” She belted.
Rarity was taken back.
Shining Armor gave her a playful nudge. “There you go. Want me to put in a good word for you?”
Rarity blushed, “Oh, no that’s alright. I was just going to ask you if wanted a tour of Ponyville, you’re new here?”
“As a matter of fact, yes. Could you direct me to the library? I heard there are some excellent books there.”
“My. I’d love to. It’s right this way. I must say I didn’t expect such a handsome pony as yourself to be into books.” Rarity cooed.
“Why, thank you. I must say, you look particularly illiterate as well.”
Rarity was frozen by the sharp back-hoofed compliment. She pointed down Main Street and gave him directions down to the library, after which he politely turned his back and trotted away with his bodyguard.
Rarity could not believe what had happened. She reviewed the events in her mind, which for some reason were animated in felt;
Rarity nearly fainted. It was as if the fabric of the world had fallen apart. She was not going take this lying down! As Celestia as her witness, she was going to have that stallion as hers!
Fluttershy poked her head out from the station exit. “Um, about my bag?”
“Not now, Fluttershy! I need time to think!”
Thinking is just what Rarity did. She concocted a plan to get back in the stallion’s good graces. Halfway to the library, she had Opal marooned on a tree branch. Soon enough, the stallion and his bodyguard came walking by.
It was time to begin the performance. Rarity got into position. “Oh, my! Opal! How did you get up there? Won’t someone help me! Oh! Why it’s you again. Won’t you be a dear and get my poor kitty out of that tree.”
Shining Armor stopped and walked over to the tree. “Well if you insist.”
His bodyguard had other ideas. “I don’t like the looks of this.” Cinnamon Viper subjected Rarity to another body search. This was starting to make the white unicorn a little uncomfortable, but she was willing to endure if it meant another chance with that hunk of a stallion. He grabbed the cat with his magic force and placed it gently on Rarity’s back.
“Thank you! I just don’t know what I would have done without you! Opal was just terrified, were you not?”
Opal had had enough of this. She slashed a claw against Rarity’s face and then darted away.
“Ow! You ungrateful feline!”
The stallion magically grabbed a handkerchief from his bodyguard’s breast pocket. A process she seemed to enjoy a little too much. He proceeded to dab away the blood from her face. “Looks like you didn’t think your plan all the way through.”
Rarity made her pouting face. “Am I that transparent?”
“Yes. But it’s not all bad. I don’t see anything too nasty in there. Just a mare who needs to find the right someone to make her happy.”
He finished with the handkerchief and gave her a wink. He then proceeded once again in the direction the library.
Rarity had never been put in her place like that before. The wink was particularly painful, as she knew it didn’t mean he wanted her. She crumbled onto her haunches. The stallion proceeded down the street toward the library. Rarity was at a total loss, but begged him to let her tag along to the library. For some reason, this required another pat down, but she was beyond caring about that. Rarity followed the stallion, crestfallen.
They stepped through the door of the library. Twilight Sparkle’s head popped up from her book with a start. The two immediately greeted each other with a kiss.
Rarity collapsed in the floor. She felt a choking sensation in her throat, like she had tried to swallow a whole apple in one gulp. How could this be? While she was wasting time with lesser stallions, Twilight had snagged herself a massive hunk? The egghead had been playing coy this whole time? It was because of her connection with the Princess! Back in Canterlot, the nobles must have been lined up at her door. All she had to do was pick one!
“Rarity. Good to see you! I want you to meet my brother, Shining Armor!”
Rarity could suddenly breath. The world was starting to shift back into alignment. “Yes, oh, yes. Good to meet you!”
“Oh, we met on the way here. Rarity was nice enough to give me directions. She is truly a lady.” said Shining Armor.
There was hope. He now felt guilty for what he said to one of his sister’s friends! Yes, there might still be a chance with him.
Shining Armor continued. “I came here to tell my sister some very important news. My girlfriend and I are getting married. And she wants you and your friends to be in the wedding party!”
Rarity collapsed down to the ground again. It was as if she had been hit in the stomach with a sledgehammer. But perhaps there was a way to some salvage something from the situation.
“Well, if you’re going to be having a wedding, perhaps I can make the dresses!” Rarity interjected.
Shining Armor gave a small laugh. “Oh, don’t worry about that. This is a royal wedding! We can afford real dresses.”
And then Rarity had her first heart attack.
Shining Armor and his bodyguard sat on the grassy knoll across from the library. Paramedics were scurrying about across the street, treating Rarity. When the panic started to die down, Twilight Sparkle crossed the street to join them.
“She’s stabilized. It looks like it was just a small aneurysm. She should be fine in a week. Rarity takes her dresses so seriously, but I can’t imagine collapsing like that over them. She needs to relax.”
“Please give her my deepest apologies. I had no idea.” returned Shining Armor.
“I’m sure she’ll perk up when I tell her you gave her rescue breathing.” said Twilight slyly.
“C’mon, I can’t take credit for that. Spike did most of the work.”
Twilight sat down next to her brother. “Let’s talk seriously for a second. Are you ready to get married? This is a big step. I’ve only met her once before at Heart’s Warming Eve dinner with our folks. I don’t really know that much about her.”
“I’m more than ready. Cadence is the light of my life.” said Shining proudly.
“What’s this about a royal wedding?” Twilight was genuinely puzzled.
“Princess Cadence is Princess Celestia’s niece.”
Twilight gasped. “The Princess Cadence? How come you never said anything?!” No wonder she kept her wool cloak on indoors. She was hiding her wings.
“She doesn’t like anypony treating her like a princess. She likes to keep a low profile.”
“What are you talking about? That pony loves being treated like a princess!” Twilight retorted.
Shining rolled his eyes. “Well yes, but not because she IS a princess, she likes being doted on just for being fabulous.”
“You’re marrying her? She hates reading, you two are nothing alike. Is this about getting into the palace?”
“Oh, please. Like you didn’t have a Canterlot Palace playset in your room. Like your door didn’t have posters of the Princess. You’ve been longing to be a part of this life from an early age.” said Shining Armor.
Twilight scowled. “I got where I am through hard work, Shining.”
“Making friends is hard work, Twilight. I was hoping you would have realized that after your experiences here. And for the record, networking is hard work, too. As is leadership. As is motivating a team of people.”
Twilight paused. She couldn’t think of anything to contradict that logic. That still didn’t answer her question, however.
“You have your way of getting into the palace, and I have mine. I don’t see why we have to ruffle each other’s tails over this.” Shining got up and walked over to where Rarity was being treated.
“Do you love her?” Twilight asked.
“Of course I do.”
“Would you be marrying her if she wasn’t a Princess?”
“Marriage and love are overlapping but different things. Would I be marrying her if she was a two-bit trick from down in Whitesaddle ? No. But that’s because marriage doesn’t work if one pony needs the other more. Cadence needs me just as much as I need her. You’ll see that when you go to Canterlot.”
Twilight was skeptical, but found that her brother’s arguments were sound as they always were. A little too sound.
At this point, a very tired Fluttershy walked by with a trunk on her back.
“Fluttershy! What are you doing?” Twilight trotted over and lifted the trunk off her back with her magic. “You can’t carry that all the way up to your home in Cloudsdale.” The sad thing was, the trunk wasn’t really that heavy.
“Yeah, I was just trying to get it to the shipping service down the street. I was going to have it shipped up.”
Shining Armor walked over. “Twilight, it this one of your ‘main 5’?”
“Yes, Fluttershy, this is my brother Shining Armor. He’s inviting us all to be in his bridal party. He’s getting married to Princess Cadence in two weeks.”
“Oh, wow.” Fluttershy was awash with fillyhood fantasies of an elaborate wedding. It was enough to distract the fact that she was being asked to stand in front of the whole kingdom. The potential for stage fright wouldn’t hit her until much later that evening.
“We’ll be traveling to the castle the week beforehand to prepare. The ceremony will be in the west chapel, and you’ll all have royal suites to stay in while we prepare and rehearse. Your boyfriend is also invited, but we won’t have space for him in the suites.”
“Oh, that’s ok. I don’t think he’d be able to get that much time off work anyway. He can just come into Canterlot for the ceremony. Congratulations! I can’t wait to meet your bride. I’m sure she’s very excited.”
“You have no idea.”
* * *
A week later, Twilight met her brother yet again at the Ponyville train platform. His bodyguard, Cinnamon Viper, was with him as always. Spike, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy were there with their luggage and ready to depart.
“It’s a shame Rarity couldn’t make it.” observed Spike. “The doctors said her heart was still too unstable.”
Twilight sighed. “It wouldn’t be so unstable if she would stop worrying about the royal wedding. Isn’t there anything in Equestria that can make that pony relax?”
Applejack did some quick math. “Say, Shiny! Aren’t there one too many cars on this train?”
Shining Armor smiled. “Wait for it...”
At that exact moment, Rarity came bursting onto the platform. “Don’t leave without me!”
“Rarity!” everyone shouted.
Twilight sparkle stepped forward. “What are you doing here? The doctor said you needed bed rest!”
Rarity chuckled. “Oh, Twilight! This is a royal wedding! Wild horses couldn't keep me from it! (Lord knows they tried) I was released this morning, and I had just enough time to rush home and pack the essentials."
Three porters followed Rarity onto the platform, carrying what amounted to an entire train car of extra luggage.
Shining Armor winked at Applejack.
Applejack was amazed. “How did you know?”
Shining turned to step onto the train. “My sister reads books. I read ponies.”
Twilight Sparkle was still unsure of Rarity. "Are you sure you can do this? Do you promise to relax."
"Twilight darling, I'm going to be a good girl on this trip. No worrying, no designing, no taking charge. I'm just going to stand there and look pretty. If there is any problem, the doctors gave me this."
She took out a small bottle. "They gave me nitroglycerin!"
Cinnamon Viper's ears piqued. "SHE'S GOT A BOMB!" With that, Rarity was tackled to the ground.
* * *
The eight ponies and Spike boarded the wedding express. The riding compartments were technically for two ponies, though Spike squeezed in with the re-frazzled Rarity and Twilight. An ideal situation for him. Applejack took point and dragged Pinkie Pie into a compartment with her. If she hadn’t, Pinkie would be jumping on Twilight for the entire ride. Shining Armor sat with his bodyguard. That left Rainbow Dash sitting with Fluttershy.
* * *
Twilight kept her nose in her book for the majority of the trip. Her copy of “Royal Weddings; A History” was purchased just for this trip, and she wanted to finish it before they pulled into Canterlot. The first time she lifted her nose from the book, Spike was sitting next to her. The second time Spike was sitting next to Rarity. The third time they were having a conversation. The fourth it looked like they were kissing.
What?
Twilight looked up. Spike and Rarity were sitting quietly, watching the landscape pass by. “It must have been my imagination” she said to herself. She continued reading.
* * *
Applejack sat across from Pinkie Pie. Trying to contain Pinkie Pie in a small train compartment was like trying to contain a sonic rainboom in a bushell. Her strong legs helped Applejack keep the sliding door locked in place.
Applejack scratched her newly grown mane. “Not that I like to pry, sugarcube, but you’ve been awfully ornery lately. Why don’t you give poor Twilight a rest. She has a lot on her mind this week.”
Realizing she was trapped for the time being, she collapsed into her seat, defeated. “You weren’t there, Applejack. Kissing Twilight Sparkle is the sweetest thing in the world. It’s sweeter than cupcakes! Sweeter than apples!”
Applejack was stunned and a little hurt. How could her bookish friend be sweeter than apples? Surely the pink pony was exaggerating. Applejack wouldn’t accept such a premise. She growled and spent the rest of the trip in silence.
* * *
Rainbow Dash sat across from Fluttershy. There was an awkward silence between them. While she had said everything was fine, the fact that Fluttershy was living with her dad was eating at Rainbow Dash. The blue pegasus was happy for her friend, but at the same time the resentment and abandonment issues she had with her father were now present every time she gazed at Fluttershy. Did she blame her friend? No, it wasn’t her fault. Their relationship had gone far beyond the point of no return before Fluttershy even knew who she was really dating. Rainbow Dash blamed herself for never introducing her friends to her father, or even describing him.
Rainbow Dash cleared her throat. “So, was my dad invited to this wedding?”
“Yes. He’ll be staying at the Canterlot Grand the night before the ceremony, then flying back with me after it.”
“Hmmm.” Fluttershy would never have flown such a distance before they started dating. “You two are getting along?”
“Oh, yes. He’s been wonderful. It’s like a whole new chapter of my life has begun. I’ve been feeling so confident and energetic ever since I... started... um... exercising regularly.”
Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow. “Exercising regularly?”
“Yes. At least three nights a week, often more.” Fluttershy was a little too smug about her cover up.
Rapping her head against the wall violently, Rainbow Dash cursed herself for ever bringing up the topic of her father. She stormed out of the compartment.
“Oh, my.” Fluttershy was floored. She leapt out of the compartment, but Rainbow Dash had already left for who-knows-where. She began peeking into other compartments to talk to other friends, but all trailed down similar destructive paths. Eventually, she poked into Shining Armor’s compartment. Cinnamon Viper left them to speak, but not after giving Fluttershy a thorough pat down.
“Mr. Armor?”
“Please, call me Shining. What can I do you for?”
“Oh, Mr. Shining that’s just it. I have a favor to ask you, but it’s a big thing. Please don’t think me rude.”
Shining Armor put down his financial newspaper and looked at the shy pegasus across from him.
“Any friend of my sister’s is a friend of mine. I am at your service.”
Fluttershy was reassured. She gave a sigh of relief.
“Thank you. I need your help with something. You’re good with ponies, right? You can be a good matchmaker?”
“I do alright for myself.”
“Good. I have a very important favor, something you can do for me while we’re preparing for the wedding.”
“Yes.”
“I need you to get my friends laid.”
Shining Armor weighed his options. He had just been given a very odd request. He peered at the shy pegasus across from him in his private rail car. She was quiet and had a habit of hiding behind her long hair. Despite all of this, she had just made a very bold and impressive request. She wanted him to orchestrate having all of her friends to have sex during their weeklong stay at the castle for preparations for his wedding. If he didn’t have so much on his mind, and if it wasn’t his sister’s friends, he would jump on such a challenge immediately. Still, this presented a mystery worth investigating.
“When you say all your friends, does that include my sister?”
“Um...” she said shyly. Perhaps her plan wasn’t that thought out. “It’s just that they’ve all been so high strung. Especially Rainbow Dash. And Rarity even has a heart condition now.”
“Let me guess. You’re getting it regularly, and none of your friends are?”
Her blushing told the whole story.
“Well, I’m sure you have nothing to worry about. You have the royal Bachelorette party to look forward to. They are known for their free-spirited antics. I’m sure you’re friends will get plenty of release.” said Shining Armor.
“But can you be sure they will?”
Shining Armor folded his hooves. “I’ll do my best to massage the situation to a mutually beneficial configuration.”
“Um, ok.” she said, turning to leave and pondered those words. A moment later, she poked her head back into the car. “You said ‘yes’ right?”
“Yes.”
* * *
Shining Armor stepped off the train car. He parted ways with the bridal party and proceeded to the castle with his bodyguard.
Deep within the bowels of the castle laid the catacombs. This was Princess Luna’s domain. It gave her plenty of time and space to work on her night magic. She rarely stepped out in the day time. Especially in recent weeks, she had been nonexistent among the castle population.
Shining Armor opened the catacomb door without hesitation. His bodyguard stayed behind. “Luna? Where are you?”
The princess emerged from the shadows, covered in a dark cloak. “Did you manage to find replacements?”
“Yes, but it’s hardly an ideal situation. I need that spell completed as soon as possible.”
Luna removed her cloak. “I thought you might say that. I’ve brought in some assistance.” She took him down the hall to a round room. The ceiling was missing, letting moonlight fill the space. In the center was a cauldron with a Zebra standing beside it. “This is Zecora, from the Everfree Forest. She is a master at incantation and potion making. She has a plan to fix our little problem.”
The Zebra stopped stirring the pot and looked up.
Shining Armor scratched his chin. “A sound plan. But will the lack of tides go unnoticed by the masses?”
“There is a royal wedding next week. We couldn’t ask for a better distraction.” Luna surmised.
“I’ll buy that. I must return to my own Princess. Keep me posted on your progress.” Shining Armor walked back toward the door. He passed by an alcove containing four pony sized objects under gray tarps. “Soon.” As he left the alcove, he saw a wooden crate filled with stones. It seemed to be less full than when he last saw it.
As he reached the door, Luna stopped him. “Shining?”
“Yes?”
“Watch your back.”
Cinnamon Viper stepped in. “That’s my job.”
“Then good luck.”
* * *
Spike stepped off the train car. He was up for helping with the wedding, but he didn’t want to get into anything too froo-frooey. After walking with the mare’s for a bit, he realized Shining Armor had ditched the group to do other things. Spike ditched the group to do other things as well. He thought that if he could find the groomsstallions and hang out. It would be great to do some guy stuff to offset the girly wedding stuff. Spike unfortunately got lost soon after. An hour or two of wandering the empty ballrooms and halls, Spike came across a young colt. “Hey, little guy. Do you know where the ushers are staying? I’m in the wedding party.”
The white colt seemed amazed. “Wow. I’ve never met a real dragon before. Dragons are so cool. My name is Leon. I’m the ring bearer.” The colt fluffed his tiny wings in excitement.
“Well, yeah. I am pretty cool. But you don’t happen to really know where everyone is? I’m kinda lost.”
The colt giggled. “Of course I know! Follow me!” With the speed of a pegasus, he darted through the halls, winding and turning through the corridors. Spike could barely keep up. Just when he finally lost the colt, Spike turned a corner and found Shining Armor talking with some Wonder Bolts.
“Ah! Armor! There you are.”
Shining Armor finished his business with the Wonder Bolt and turned his attention to Spike.
Spike was grateful and began following. “While I have you here, can I ask you for some advice with dating?”
“Oh, you think because I roped a princess for my girlfriend I have some sort of special talent for dating?”
“Yeah, well, sorta.”
“Can’t argue with your logic. Fire away, Spike.”
“Shining, do you think I could have a chance with Rarity?”
Shining Armor thought good and hard on this. “It depends Spike. What are you looking to get out of your relationship with her?”
“I dunno. I’d like to be her special somepony. Take her on nice dates. Treat her like a princess. I just want to make her happy.”
“Alright, name three of her faults.”
“What? Name things that are wrong with Rarity?” Spike was shocked.
“Yes.”
“Um. She’s way too girly most of the time. She likes to make these little outfits for me... ick. And she has some trouble getting along with her sister. That can get pretty messy. And on top of that she worries herself sick all the time.”
“Congratulations, Spike you passed the test.”
“I did?”
“If you were just infatuated, you wouldn’t see any of her faults. I think you have a chance. You will, however, need to take charge and give her what she needs, machismo.”
“Isn’t that a mexican food?”
“Close but no gemstone, Spike. Just follow these tips and I think you’ll be in the clear...”
After dispensing the rest of his advice Shining Armor and Spike had found their way to Cadence’s chambers, where they walked in on a very interesting conversation.
* * *
Twilight Sparkle stepped off the train car. She had been sleeping when the train pulled into the castle’s special station. Between Pinkie Pie’s attempts to make out, Rarity’s new panic attacks, and the uncomfortable silences between Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy, she was exhausted. She wanted nothing more than to go straight to her suite and sleep. There would be no time for that however, they needed to meet the princess.
After parting ways with her brother, they went to the west chapel. The decorations were almost complete. Princess Celestia was in the middle of it all, orchestrating the whole event.
“Twilight Sparkle! My favorite student. I have good news. I’m going to be marrying your brother!”
The purple unicorn’s brain started to melt. “What? How?! No! He was supposed to be marrying the other princess! Celestia, you can’t be getting married!”
Princess Celestia chuckled awkwardly. “I mean that I’ll be performing the marriage ceremony.”
Twilight caught her breath. “Oh. Yes. Of course.”
“You must all be tired from your travels. I’ll take you to the lucky bride, then you can get settled in your suites.” Celestia gave command over to a flamboyant purple sea serpent, then walked down the south hall with the group in tow. It was at this point they realized Spike had gone missing. He would turn up sooner or later.
“This is awful nice of you to put us up for a week!” Rarity thanked.
“No problem at all, Rarity. I was the one who introduced the two, so I feel personally responsible to make sure their wedding is a flawless event. My niece is very demanding. Anything less than a perfect wedding would just break her heart.” said Princess Celestia.
Twilight started to get nervous. “I guess she’s been waiting for this day for quite a while.”
“Centuries, in fact.” said Celestia with a grin.
After entering the castle proper, they were in a dark hallway. “All the windows must be on the suite’s side of the castle.” Twilight thought to herself. Celestia led them to the first door on the left, where she stayed while the rest piled into the room. A pink alicorn sitting on a silk cushion before her vanity mirror. Her mane had elegant stripes of mauve and light pink, and part of her hair was tied back. It looked like she was about to give herself gold streaks.
“Oh! Twilight!” With her wings unfurled, the alicorn jumped onto Twilight and gave her a huge hug.
“Gak!” said Twilight, completely taken off guard.
“Oh, Twi! It’s good to see you again! And you brought your friends! I’m so happy!” This was a side of Cadence yet unseen. At Hearth’s Warming Eve dinner, she was so quiet and demure. Does getting married really do this to a mare?
“Good to see you too.” Twilight managed to escape her vice grip and introduced all of her friends.
“Oh my gosh! Do you like tiaras! I love tiaras! I have a whole collection.”
Rarity turned to Rainbow Dash. “I love her!” she whispered.
“Shoot me.” replied Rainbow Dash.
Princess Cadence took the group on a tour of her chamber. It had a large window out to the garden. It was the first room in the hallway, and the others would be staying in the next three suites down the hall.
The pink princess continued. “I've been staying here for the past month preparing for the wedding! It’s been so great here with Auntie Celestia. After the reception, my hubby and I will be taking the airship directly to my villa in Trottingham for our super-romantic honeymoon! Oh! Let me show you my dress!”
The dress was something to behold. The trim and ruffles fell off the dress form elegantly. The color complimented her striped hair perfectly. Twilight couldn’t help but be amazed. She imagined herself in that dress. Twilight Sparkle shook her head. “Focus!” she told herself.
“I think it’s tres magnifique !” chuckled Rarity.
“Seriously can someone shoot me? Are there any guns in here?” huffed Rainbow Dash.
Princess Cadence proceeded to her walk-in closet. It was filled with tiaras. “This is my summer collection. I keep my favorites on shelves four to six!”
“Ooooh! Shiny!” chimed Pinkie Pie.
Once they were far back enough into the closet--too far for Princess Celestia to hear--Cadence turned to the mares to say something. “I have been meaning to ask you all, if I’m being too forward just say, but what’s it like? Y’know your first time?”
Twilight blinked out of shock. “You mean you’re a virgin?” Centuries of waiting? No wonder she was anxious.
Cadence blushed.
The group looked at eachother, then looked at Fluttershy.
The yellow pegasus panicked. “What are you all looking at me for?”
Twilight cocked an eyebrow. “You are the only one with a live-in boyfriend. You get it more than the rest of us combined.”
Fluttershy turned bright red and started to sink into the floor. “But I just couldn’t go into details! Private details! Those details are just … too private!”
Twilight was close to exploding. They had been through all this before, and she still can’t even talk about it? She wasn’t going to pry, no one wanted Fluttershy to go into shyshock again.
Rainbow Dash stepped up. “Let me give you the lowdown. It’s all about attitude.”
Cadence looked puzzled. “Attitude?”
“Yeah, it’s the attitude that drives the stallions wild more than anything else. You need to be all lady-like when you’re out in public, but when you’re in bed, you need to be hungry; leering; you need to an insatiable monster who wants it bad. And your stallion needs to be the one to give it to you.” said Rainbow Dash.
“Oh joy! This is splendid!” cheered Princess Cadence. “Twilight! We’re going to be sisters! Do you have any advice.”
Twilight blushed. “Yeah, I’m not really experienced. I don’t think I should be giving advice.”
“We made out once!” Pinkie Pie chimed in.
“Pinkie! We agreed never to speak of that!” scolded Twilight.
Pinkie waved her hoof dismissively. “Na-uh. We made out well after we signed that contract in blood, so it doesn’t count.”
Cadence squeed. “Ou! Are you into mares?”
“No, Cadence. It was just a demonstration. For a friend in need.” Twilight shot Fluttershy a look.
Cadence sighed. “Yes, but the wedding night. That’s what I’m really worried about. And we’ll be in the royal airship. What if one of us gets airsick?”
Twilight was at a loss. For all her reading, she didn’t have any useful input for her. Applejack put a reassuring hoof on Twilight’s shoulder. “Don’t worry Twi. I got this covered. This ain’t my first rodeo.”
Applejack sat the pink princess down on her bed. “Don’t feel like you need to be amazing on your first time. You’re gonna be plum tuckered out after all the royal shenanigans. You’ll probably be too tired on the actual wedding night, but you have a whole two weeks on the honeymoon to get acclimated to each other’s bodies. You don’t have to rush it, just take your time. There will be times when you’re rarin’ to go every other day, and he’ll be too tired. Then there will be the times he wants it constantly, but you’re just not into it. The important thing is that you’re always there for each other. Because for the times when you’re both thirstin’ for it, it’s total magic.”
Cadence smiled. She was becoming relieved, and even a little confident. Who would think an apple farmer would know so much about popping cherries?
“Also, cup the balls. That usually helps.” Applejack continued. “Be careful. They are more delicate than they look.”
“Applejack, your gift basket will be twice the size of the others.” declared Shining Armor. The group turned to the open door and shrieked. “Brother! How much did you hear?!”
“Just the balls thing. But I can guess the rest.” The white unicorn stepped into the room. Spike followed him.
Cadence leapt from the bed and glomped onto Shining Armor. “Hunnykins!” She kissed him all over and even started to rub her horn against his. It was enough to make even Shining Armor blush.
“Now honey, we need to show your new bridlemaids to their suites. They need to get unpacked so they can start preparing.”
Cadence liked the sound of that. “Oh, right. Let’s get them settled.”
By this time, the luggage had arrived. Rarity would be staying in the suite immediately to the right of Cadence. She would be staying alone. It would be good for her heart condition and it gave her enough room for all her luggage. Next was Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash and Applejack. Spike was in there too, of course. He could sleep in a basket. Applejack didn’t mind sharing a king sized bed with Dash. Finally was Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie, where they’d each be getting their own king size.
“There is one more surprise I wanted you to see.” declared Princess Celestia. “I want this occasion to be the unveiling of the Elements of Harmony to the public. I want each of you to be wearing the elements during the ceremony. Walk with me.”
The group began the long walk toward the Arcade of Light. It was a long procession of stained glass windows on the north side of the castle, leading to the sacred chamber where the Elements of Harmony are kept.
During the long walk, Twilight Sparkle took the opportunity to ask Princess Celestia some questions, quietly. “Princess, can I ask you a personal question?” Twilight walked close and whispered.
The Princess whispered back. “It only seems fair. We’ll be family next week.”
“Cadence told me she was the V word. Is that normal for your kind? Is she ready for this step in her life?”
The Princess of Equestria thought about her answer carefully. “Alicorns marry ponies, Twilight. We have to watch our husbands pass away. It’s not something you are always up for. Princess Cadence is at a time in her life when she needs this. Luna and I? Not so much.”
“Is my brother up to this?”
Celestia winked. “Oh, I’m sure he has all the skills needed for this position.”
Behind them, Rarity was walking next to Applejack.
“Good work back there with the sage advice Applejack.” Rarity smirked.
“Yeah, I’ve been a bridlemaid at so many Apple family marriages, I’ve lost count. And some of them don’t even involve shotguns.” The two mares exchanged playful laughter.
They passed through the Arcade of Light, Rainbow Dash peeked out a partially open window. “Hey, I don’t see the statue of Discord in your garden!”
Princess Celestia gave a triumphant chuckle. “Oh, we keep that in a much more secure location now! Also, we smashed it to tiny pieces.”
They all reached the sacred door. Princess Celestia inserted her glowing horn into the center of the door. The door broke up and receded, leaving a dark void inside. The group stepped in to find a pedestal with a chest in it. Opening the chest revealed the Elements of Harmony.
“Oh my gosh! You have a tiara? You said they were necklaces!” Cadence blurted out.
“Yes, pardon me. I failed to mention that the Element of Magic was a tiara instead. It must have slipped my mind.” said Princess Celestia.
Cadence stared at Twilight’s tiara and came as close to drooling as a demure princess could.
After the presentation, the group left the sanctuary. Twilight Sparkle put her Element of Magic away in the chest last. All the others had left the room and Shining Armor stood by the door.
“Brother, can I ask you a question?”
“Should I give her a pat down?” Cinnamon Viper poked her head into the sacred chamber.
“No, we’ll be fine.” Shining looked past the mare in black to make sure Celestia was out of earshot, then shut the door.
“You said earlier that you needed to get the ‘new bridlemaids’ settled. Where are there ‘old bridlemaids’ ?”
Shining shifted his stance. “Yes. Cadence’s friends were going to do it, but they joined the Peace Corps, and are all busy overseas right now.”
“They joined the Peace Corps?”
“Yes.”
“All of them?”
“Enough of them. They wrote a very endearing letter. I’ll be reading it just after your Maid of Honor speech. “
“Hmmm. Shining, are you sure Cadence is right for you? She’s even more bubbly than I remember her.”
“Haha. Opposites attract, dear sister. Marrying your doppelganger is something only the impossibly self-absorbed do.”
“I know, that’s why I’m concerned.” Twilight smirked at her brother.
“Hardy Har. Trust me. Cadence and I were made for each other. You have no idea what two ponies are like when they are alone.”
Twilight was satisfied for now. It was time to ask for a personal favor. “Hmmm... one more thing. I hear you’re pretty good with getting dates.”
“I do alright for myself.”
“Well, I have this friend who has it in her head that we should... er... do things. I don’t want that kind of attention from her. We’re just friends.”
“It’s the pink one, isn’t it?”
Twilight sighed. “It started weeks ago when my pegasus friend fell into shyshock.”
“Shyshock? There hasn’t been a documented case of that in two hundred years. How did you cure it?”
“By embarrassing myself horribly in front of her! That’s why Pinkie and I were kissing. But now that she’s had a taste, she wants more!”
“Sounds like it’s your fault for having lips so sweet.”
“Ha. Ha. This is serious. This is causing a breach in our friendship.”
“Well, I hate to say it, but that sounds like sexual tension to me. The only real answer is to give her what she wants. After she gets her fill, the tension will be broken and all will return to normal.”
“WHAT?! That’s not what I want to hear. This isn’t one of your mare-on-mare magazines.”
“It’s what you need to hear. Sorry, I call them like I see them.”
The argument would have gone on longer, but it was interrupted by a loud crash just outside the door.
They stormed out to find Cinnamon Viper jumping around the hallway. “Sir! It was that pegasus colt! He was listening outside your door!
“Oh, not this again.”
“He’s real sir! You have to believe me!”
Shining Armor laughed it off as a delusion, and they all went to the dining hall for dinner.
* * *
Applejack stepped off the train car. It was then she realized that Twilight Sparkle was missing. “Twi must have fell asleep reading again.” She stepped back into the train and into Twilight’s compartment. There she lay on her back, asleep, book in hoof.
AJ noticed her soft lips. They were all alone on that train. The purple unicorn was a very sound sleeper. If Applejack were to steal a kiss, she would never know. She thought back to the things Pinkie Pie said about how sweet Twilight Sparkle’s lips were.
Should she do it?
Should she steal a kiss?
“Hmmm... Nah.”
Princess Celestia poked Twilight Sparkle in her rear end. “Ack!”
“Just a few more inches, you can do it.” assured the Princess.
Twilight had never been under such pressure to perform. She stepped forward into line.
“There now it’s perfect!” Celestia was relieved. The groomsstallions were in perfect alignment with the bridlemaids. This was the rehearsal and only now only twenty-four hours remained before the royal wedding of Princess Cadence and Shining Armor.
“This is still not good!” Cadence was very demanding. “I have six bridlemaids, but there are only five groomsstallions. It’s totally uneven. “Honey, you said you’d find somepony to fill in.”
Twilight Sparkle looked around the wedding party. Shining Armor’s best pony was a dark blue stallion named Moonlight Night. He had two brothers that didn’t look like him. The others were some yellow and red ponies who were into podcasting. That only amounted to five.
“I did get someone, dear, and knowing him, he should be arriving just about...” Shining Armor smirked. His timing was impeccable. At that very moment, a unicorn stallion emerged from the west archway.
“Prince Blueblood?!” the bridlemaids screamed in horror. Rarity fainted. That poor mare was still a bundle of nerves after all this time.
Applejack did some quick math and realized she was to be the Prince’s partner. “Oh ponyfeathers! No way!” She ran up to the pampered pony and eyed him incredulously. “T’aint no way I’ma going on a date with such a fussy pony with namby pamby grooming.”
Blueblood gulped. “But Namby Pamby is a great groomer.”
“That’s neither here nor there. Princess, if we’re done here, I’d like to take this pony out to the garden and put him through his paces!”
Princess Celestia smiled proudly. “We’re done here. All party members can relax until dawn tomorrow. Have a good time everyone.” She winked and made her exit.
Applejack dragged Prince Blueblood off by his tail to do who-knows-what to him. His cries for help fell on deaf ears.
Shining Armor turned to his bodyguard, Cinnamon Viper. She seemed distraught, as this was her last day on earth. “C’mon Viper. The boys are throwing me a party tonight. I want you to be there. I’m sure there will be some colorful entertainment there, and they will need pat downs.”
Cinnamon Viper stole a smile. “You’re speaking my language, sir!” They trotted off together with the male party members.
Pinkie Pie launched toward Twilight Sparkle. The lavender unicorn was sure she was about to be glomped, but it was Princess Cadence behind her who got the hugging. “Princess! Tonight is going to be your best night ever! We’re throwing you the bachelorette party of the century! hehehe!”
Cadence fluttered her wings nervously. “I don’t have time to party! I need to check on the desserts and the entertainment!”
Twilight stepped forward to reassure her future sister-in-law. “You already double checked everything.”
“But that’s not good enough! I need to triple check!”
As frustrating as this was, Twilight was starting to warm up to Cadence.
Rainbow Dash floated over to the pink princess. “Look, think of this like a big race. You can’t train every second up until the starting gun. You need to make sure you’re well rested so that you’re prepared physically and mentally.”
Cadence was unsure, but conceded the point to Dash. “Alright. I guess I could take one night off to relax.”
“Woohoo! Alright! We’ll come get you at dusk. This is going to be awesome!” Pinkie Pie was bouncing on the altar much higher than usual. Twilight Sparkle used this opportunity to duck out of the room and take a leisurely walk.
Twilight took the liberty of walking through the reception hall. It was more than a reception, it was more like a carnival. They had every food from caviar to doughnuts, and there was an assortment of entertainment as well. DJ-Pon3 had her dance floor set up, and Octavia had her band rehearsing. There was also a stage that seemed to be reserved for some sort of magic act. Before she could inspect it more carefully, a large puff exploded before her...
“Wahaha! It is I, The Great and Powerful Trixie! You may have shown me up last time, Twilight Sparkle, but now Trixie has truly bested you! I am now the official court magician for the royal wedding! I will be entertaining guests at the reception of the century! My skills have truly been acknowledged by the the brightest minds in all of Equestria! What are you doing here? Serving hor dourves?”
“I’m the maid of honor.” Twilight said flatly.
And then Trixie had her first heart attack.
* * *
Pinkie Pie had a grin on her face that was so big, it hurt just to look at it. “Get ready for a big surprise!”
Princess Cadence and the rest were headed down to Luna’s catacombs for the big bachelorette party. “I don’t know. There’s still so much to do.”
“Fun.” Twilight, for the first time in her life was as excited to party as Pinkie Pie can be. “We’ve gone over every detail for a solid week! The songs, the desserts, the decorations, the centerpieces. It’s all done. You need to relax! What good will your wedding be if you’re a nervous wreck? You need to unwind. This is just as much a part of the wedding as all those other things.”
Rarity was at a loss. “It feels so wrong, going off to party without Spikey-wikey.”
Dash was giddy. “Bah. This is ladies only. Besides, he’s probably having a blast at Shining Armor’s bachelor party. Say, has anyone seen Fluttershy? Or Applejack?”
They entered the door of the catacombs. The normally dark collection of stone alcoves and passageways was done up in bows and balloons. Folding tables were brought in, as well as a catered dinner and a jam box. A bar with several barrels of cider was available. In the middle of it all was Pinkie Pie and Princess Luna.
“Auntie Luna? You’re hosting this bachelorette party?” Cadence was shocked.
“Well, these are my catacombs. Pinkie Pie has been training me in the ways of the ‘party’ ” Luna rubbed her hooves nervously. “She has assured me that we are prepared for fun.”
Twilight was nervous. Pinkie Pie and Luna teaming up to throw a party? That was like a tornado meeting a tsunami. “Is this going to be OK? This isn’t going to get out of hoof, is it?”
Pinkie Pie laughed. “Oh, Twilight, don’t you see? Royalty spends their whole lives in fancy uptightness. The bachelorette party is the one time in a princess’ life when she gets to cut loose and be down and dirty! Craziness is expected! Naughtiness is required! Here’s a great example...”
Pinkie Pointed to the open door. Fluttershy was trying to sneak by it unseen, but that didn’t work. She was wearing a skin tight bondage outfit. Every inch of her body was covered in black latex, exceptt for her plot, which was now a bright yellow heart shape.
Fluttershy removed her ball-gag. “We’re having a bachelorette party?”
Pinkie ran up to Cadence. “This is going to be the crazy, princess! Tonight you’re going to see your first banana hammock!”
“Woah, Pinky!” Twilight took the pink pony aside, “I know this is a bachelorette party, but this is a princess we’re talking about here. And a virgin to boot.”
Pinkie Pie made a pouting face. “Aw, does this mean all these bananas are going to waste?” Twilight turned around. Sure enough, in the corner there was a rope hammock set up between two of the pillars, and that hammock was filled with bananas. Twilight let out a sigh of relief.
“I also hired a stripper.” said Pinkie Pie.
“What?!” screamed Twilight.
“OH YEAH!!!”
A white pegasus in a construction worker’s uniform and ridiculously huge muscles barged into the room. “Oh Yeah!” He ran over to the jam box and played some hot beats. “Which one of you lucky ladies gets the first dance?” The mares all pointed at Princess Cadence, but Cadence was pointing at... Princess Luna.
Luna was very puzzled. “I do not understand. I thought this party was mares only? Is some sort of maintenance needed on my catacombs? Hey, what’s going on?!”
Before she could lay out all of her questions, the stripper had removed all his cloths, save a thong and began gyrating in Princess Luna’s direction.
“EEK!”
Luna’s panic turned to anger. In a white hot rage she levitated in the middle of the room, eyes glowing. Lightning and thunder reigned down from the ceiling. “How dare you besmirch your princess with such lewdness. You shall be smited down for your afrontarry!”
“Princess! No! This is all part of the party!” The ponies waved their hooves frantically in the air. Eventually, they talked Luna out of her rage and explained to her the logistics of male strippers and lap dances.
“Oh. I’m sorry, I did not realize. Kind sir, I insist you commence gyrating your loins at my face once again! In the name of fun!”
The stripper, however, was cowering in the corner, fearing for his life. Pinkie Pie would have none of this.
“Gosh darnit, Stud Longshanks! You are a male stripper! A sacred profession going back as far as time itself! You have a duty to all the bridlemaids and over-the-hill-mothers-needing-to-reconnect-with-their-youth! There’s a girl over there who needs a lap dance, and what are you going to do about it? Are going to give that lap dance?!
“Oh, Yeah!”
“I can’t hear you!”
“OH, YEAH!!”
With a great cheer from all, Luna’s lapdance continued.
“Huzzah! This is both humiliating and arousing!”
Rainbow Dashed rushed over to Luna. “That’s the ticket! Save the next dance for me! I’m tapping that cider!”
* * *
Pony Joe wheeled the doughnut cart down the dark hallway. This was a rough gig. Not only did he need to provide doughnuts for the royal wedding, but he needed to deliver these extra doughnuts to the bachelorette party. At least they fixed the broken wheel on the dessert cart. This was going to be an easy trip. Or so he thought.
A heavy weight suddenly dragged down the cart. “Huh?” He poked his head over the mountain of glazed treats to see a small colt with wings and a horn. He was helping himself to some chocolate doughnuts.
“Hey! You can’t have those!”
“Oh, no. I can do whatever I want. I’m an alicorn after all!”
“I don’t care if you’re the king of cartoons! Ain’t no one taking my doughnuts!” Before he could lay his hoof on the colt, the little one bit him. “Hey!”
Before he could protest further, a stiffness came over his whole body. He was turning to stone. The last thing he heard was a maniacal laugh.
* * *
Drinks and lap dances were flowing freely at the bachelorette party. Twilight Sparkle was sitting quietly in the corner, drink in hoof. It was a zen moment for her, but it was bitter-sweet. Before the night was over, surely Pinkie Pie would make one ardent attempt to make out, maybe more.
For now, everyone was happy and occupied. Rarity was giving Cadence advice on giving horn jobs. Princess Luna was also listening intently. Rainbow Dash was getting a lap dance and Pinkie Pie was eating bananas. The irony struck Twilight. The way Pinkie was downing those bananas, she could be making a stallion very happy right now. Possibly two or three at once.
After finishing most of the bananas, she started using the hammock as a trampoline. Twilight braced herself. This could not end well.
* * *
Pinkie had been trampolined across the catacombs. “Erg. Perhaps the triple lutz was too much.” Pinkie Pie dusted herself off and took a survey of where she landed.
Pinkie had never been in this part of the catacombs before. This was where Luna’s bed and personal effects were kept. It didn’t look any different than a normal pony’s bedroom; except that it was in a dark dungeon; and there was a wooden crate with some rocks in it; and except that there were four statues in the corner.
“That’s odd. Why would Luna have statues of bridlemaids in her room?” She inspected the statues very carefully. They were of mares she had never met before, but the craftsmanship was superb. They were so lifelike!
It was then that she realized there were real metal horseshoes embedded in the hooves of the stone statues. That was not physically possible. These weren’t statues! These were bridlemaids that had been turned to stone!
Pinkie Pie bolted back into the party. She immediately ran up to Twilight. “We need to get out of here! We are in serious danger! Bridlemaids get turned to stone here! You need to go back there with me and see this! Also, why haven’t my doughnuts arrived?”
“Oh, really? Into Luna’s bedroom. Where the bed is. I can’t imagine what’s going to happen once we get there.”
“Twilight! This is not a trick! Really! How many times have I used a covert plot on our lives as a guise to hit on you?”
“Seven.”
“But it’s true this time!” cried Pinkie.
“I don’t want to hear it, Pinkie Pie. You need to calm down. Go back to your room. I’m pulling rank here. You’ve dogged me for too long.” Twilight scowled.
“But I haven’t been sent to my room since I was an itty bitty Pinkie!”
“Well you’re going now. Step to it!” Twilight had crossed her hooves. She meant business.
* * *
Pinkie kicked at the ground as she slowly trotted through the hallways of the castle. These hallways were dark and labyrinthine, especially at night. During her week there, she had got to know them pretty well, so it was no trouble getting back to her room.
Out the corner of her eye she thought she saw a young white colt whiz by, but it must have been her imagination. As she turned a corner, she saw AJ and Prince Blueblood. Strangely, Blueblood was wearing flannel gardening clothes and Applejack was wearing the most demure saddle Pinkie had ever seen. “Whoa! What happened to you two?”
“Gosh Pinkie. Where do I start? We had one heck of a day.” Applejack was genuinely at a loss.
“But I think we each learned something about the other, and ourselves.” continued Blueblood.
“Yeah, that sounds like an intriguing story; filled with emotional highs and titillating character growth. I’m sure hearing it would enrich my life, but to tell the truth, I’m just looking for sex right now. I’m going to my room, if you see Twilight Sparkle tell her to come up, I’ll be ready for her.”
Pinkie Pie trotted off and left Applejack and Blueblood to blush at each other.
* * *
With Pinkie gone, the party died down considerably. Soon the stripper left and Cadence retired to her chambers. Rarity and Twilight were the last to leave.
“You go on and get some sleep, Rarity. I’ll finish up here.”
Rarity took her advice and started walking back to her room, alone. Sleep would do her heart good, but she still had so much adrenaline.
From a dark corridor came Spike, tripping over his own feet and having a lampshade over his head. “Hey Rarity! Where you going?”
“Oh, Spike. I’m retiring for the evening. The party’s over for us girls. Did you have fun at your party?”
“Meh. It was fun. If you like podcasting.”
Rarity was perplexed. “What is podcasting exactly?”
“Oh, that’s where you eat soybean, then cast the pods into the wind. To see how far they fly. I got mine to fly pretty far, but that’s only fun for so long. How about you? Did you have fun with the others?”
“Oh, I had tons of fun. But I’m so pumped right now. I don’t know how I’ll get any sleep.
Spike was giddy, but he contained himself. “I feel the same way. Want to go back to your room and talk?”
“Sounds like fun. I could use some company.”
* * *
Twilight made her way back to her room. She was proud of herself for standing up to Pinkie, but hated to see her leave the party all the same.
Twilight had bumped into one of the groomsstallions. It was Moonlight Night, the best pony. “Oh, Moonlight. I’m sorry, I didn’t see you there.”
“It’s quite alright. I wasn't watching where I was going. Did you enjoy your party?”
“Heh. It was a mixed bag.”
Pinkie Pie poked her head from the door to her suite. “Hey, Twilight. Ready to talk yet?”
Twilight panicked. “Um, sorry Pinkie, I have some private business to attend to with Moonlight here.” Twilight grabbed Moonlight and dragged him into her suite.
Pinkie was Shocked. “What?!”
* * *
Pinkie paced the length of her suite in nervous tension. “I can’t believe Twilight would go off and sleep with another pony, when I’m ready and willing right here! I mean, what’s wrong with me? Am I not energetic enough? Aren’t I sexy?”
Fluttershy was at the desk, writing a letter to her boyfriend. “I don’t know. Twilight seems to like only stallions.”
The nervous pacing continued. “I’m probably overreacting. They’re probably just talking. Right?”
Just then she heard a moan coming from through the wall. Pinkie panicked. She gulped down a glass of ice water and then turned the glass against the wall to use as an earpiece. Brain freeze be darned, she was going to hear this!
There were creaking noises. “That creaking could be anything.” Pinkie’s pacing progressed.
The creaking got louder. Then moaning started. Within a few minutes, Pinkie didn’t need the glass to hear them.
Then the wall started to vibrate. Surely the headboard on the other side of the wall was being knocked repeatedly. Pinkie was floored. How could this get any worse?
Just then the door to Twilight’s room could be heard opening. A minute later the creaking and moaning continued, louder than before.
“A threesome?! Twilight! Why have you forsaken me! Was I playing too hard to get?”
FIVE MINUTES EARLIER...
Twilight slammed the door with Moonlight Night in her room.
“I’m not really comfortable with this. I’m seeing somepony else.” said Moonlight Night.
“You don’t need to do anything. I just need to make Pinkie Pie certain that I like stallions. “
“Um, I guess that’s alright.”
“Good, now get your fanny up here.” Twilight jumped up on the bed. “Start bouncing.”
“If you say so...” The bouncing began. Soon they were both bouncing high and occasionally bucking the headboard.
Out of nowhere, Princess Luna burst into the room. It nearly scared them to death. “Twilight Sparkle! What is going on here? I thought the naughty fun was over. Why was I not invited to this after party?”
“No, Princess Luna, we’re just playing a joke on Pinkie Pie! This is fake sex.” Twilight explained.
“I see, but I never get included in any of this chicanery.” Luna pouted.
“Alright, you can join in! We’ll have a fake threesome!” said Moonlight.
Luna squeed and began jumping on the bed with them. “Huzzah! Your sex partners have been doubled!”
* * *
Rainbow Dash stumbled through the hallways. It was 1AM and she couldn’t sleep. A full week of frilly dresses, lingerie, cakes and flowers. She was going to go batty at this rate.
At that moment Soarin came down the hall. He was still on crutches from the last time they had met. “Rainbow Dash! I can’t believe it’s you! I have something to ask you.”
Rainbow Dash sighed. ‘It’s not another marriage proposal is it? I turned down all of those and returned all those gifts.”
“You didn’t return my underwear.”
“He he. Oh yeah. I … lost those.” Rainbow Dash started to remember their first close encounter. She looked at him and licked her lips. She had just gotten an idea on how to break up her boredom.
Soarin grinned.
* * *
Twilight tossed and turned. She couldn’t sleep.
Something was urking Twilight. It wasn’t the fact that Rainbow and Applejack still hadn’t returned, it was something Pinkie said. Twilight was sure that Princess Luna was on their side now, but she wasn’t so sure about her brother. Armed with a light spell gleaming from the tip of her horn, Twilight crept back down the long maze of hallways to the catacombs.
Most of the chaos and decorations from the bachelorette party were still there, but the dividers blocking Luna’s bed area had been moved. Twilight crept in. No Luna in bed. She looked around and found a crate with one rock in it. Peculiar. Then she stumbled upon the bridlemaids. They were real. Her magic training enabled her to identify them as real ponies turned to stone.
At that point, she noticed a light from underneath a door on the far side of the catacombs. She sneaked up and put her ear to the door. She could hear the voices of Princess Luna and Shining Armor inside.
“I’m here for you, Luna. What do you need me to do?
“I need you to … mix my potions...”
“My pleasure. Let me get out my swizzle stick.”
“Huzzah! It’s so big.”
“Ok, now what do I do?”
“Just stick that in there.”
“It’s hot.”
“It should be.”
Twilight Sparkle was furious. She banged on the door as hard as she could. “What are you two doing in there?!”
Like a jack in the box, Luna and Shining Armor instantly popped out, both wearing goggles and lab coats.
“Oh” said Twilight Sparkle. They may not have been doing anything sexual, but he still has some explaining to do. “Ok, mister. What are you doing down here, and why are those bridlemaids turned to stone?”
Luna stepped forward and took the rap. “I’m so sorry, Twilight. I take full responsibility for this. I’m still not sure how it happened, but something in my laboratory left the other bridlemaids turned to stone. Shining Armor has been helping me make a potion to revive them.”
“And you told Cadence they were in the Peace Corps, didn’t you?”
Shining Armor huffed. “Cadence values having a perfect day over all else. I’m just respecting her wishes.”
“By telling her whatever she wants to hear? Even if it’s a lie?”
“There’s a difference between telling people what they want to hear, and what they need to hear.” said Shining Armor.
“There’s always a difference, isn't’ there? Always a rationalization! You only care about yourself!”
Shining Armor had a dozen things to retort to that as well, but he didn’t say them. He just walked to the door. “We will be siblings the rest of our lives. Cadence only gets to be a bride tomorrow. We can settle this at a later date.” With that, he left.
* * *
The door to Princess Cadence’s suite was triple guarded that night. “Sorry, Twilight” said the guard, “No one sees her until the procession tomorrow. Celestia’s orders.” Twilight turned back down the hall, defeated.
The walk back to her suite was longer than usual. The weight of the kingdom seemed to be on her back. The last thing she needed right now was Pinkie Pie. So, naturally Pinkie Pie appeared from behind a corner. “Hi Twilight. I know you cheated on me with those two, but I forgive you. Why? Because I just know we were meant to be together.”
Twilight was not in the mood. “Pinkie, if we were getting married, and I was keeping secrets from you, you’d want to know right?”
Pinkie liked where this was going.
Twilight knew what had to be done. She needed to sneak into Princess Cadence’s room and convince her that something was wrong with Shining Armor.
Twilight and Pinkie got into their skin-tight black sneaking suits and climbed out the window onto the ledge. Funny how AJ and Rainbow Dash hadn't gotten back to the room yet. Getting over to Princess Cadence’s room was to be no small task. It meant traversing a ledge not even as wide as a pony, and climbing over several gargoyles. Luckily the bridal suite was only one suite away-they only had to pass Rarity’s room.
Despite the all these obstacles, the most treacherous was the passing by of Rarity’s window. Twilight saw a sight that shook her to her very core.
* * *
The white unicorn had never been more relaxed then at that moment. Her hair was relaxed. Her hooves were relaxed. Her heart was beating strong and regularly for the first time in weeks.
“Oh, wow.” Rarity lay on her back, limp and exhausted after the night’s activities. “I have never experienced anything like that before. Never have I felt so alive! So relaxed. I’ve never been ravaged with such passion before!”
Spike lost the smug look on his face for an instant. “I didn’t hurt you did I?”
“No! Quite the contrary. You’re a natural at this. It’s so rare to find a stallyyyydragon who knows the proper time to throw a mare down on the bed and make passionate love to her. Spike, you have a gift! A magnificent gift.”
“I do?” Spike scratched his head. “Oh well, whatever makes you happy, Rarity.”
Rarity drew Spike in close for a long passionate kiss. “Ready for round two?”
* * *
Unicorn levitation magic was the only thing stopping Twilight’s jaw from hitting the floor. She tiptoed onto the next window before she saw any more.
Twilight and Pinkie were finally at the window of Princess Cadence’s chambers. The pink princess was in her robe, gnashing her teeth over charts and maps for the wedding reception.
Before they could storm into the room however, Shining Armor stepped into the room carrying a tray of tea in his mouth. This didn’t surprise Twilight in the slightest, as Shining was known to be able to talk his way into any door. He set the tea down on the nightstand and turned to his fiancee. She flew into his arms and began crying about a million unfinished details about the wedding ceremony. Shining was then, as always, unruffled.
“But what if something goes wrong?! What if it rains?!”
“That’s why they build chapels with roofs, dear. Now get some sleep. You have a big day tomorrow.”
“Oh, No! I can’t sleep! I forgot to finalize the dessert carts!” said Cadence.
“I anticipated that. I’ve already submitted all your forms for you.”
“But what about fixing the wheel on the dessert cart?!”
“I tightened the bolts myself.”
Shining Armor tucked the princess into bed and kissed her. After a sip of tea she started to calm down. “I’m so lucky to have you.”
“Don’t be silly. I’m the lucky one. Let me just close the window so you don’t catch a cold.”
Before Shining could get to the window, Twilight and Pinkie Pie had scurried away back to their own room. They made sure to avert their eyes of what was going on inside Rarity’s window.
“I guess my brother was right. There is no way to know how two people are when they’re alone.“ Twilight sulked her way back to her room. Once there she took off her skin-tight sneaking suit. She wasn’t mad at anyone but her herself, but yourself is the worst person you can be mad at.
Pinkie jumped on the bed and began removing her skin tight outfit. She did it slowly and sensually.
Twilight had had enough. She gritted her teeth and nearly exploded. Her mane and tale suddenly ignited into flame. Then she fizzled out.
“Ok. I give up. It was wrong of me to go that far and then no further.”
Pinkie was ecstatic. More ecstatic than she usually is. “Does this mean?”
“Yes.” Twilight stepped toward the bathroom. “Let me shower off this singed sneaking suit and I’ll be right with you.” She couldn’t fight it anymore. After a shower, she submitted her body to whatever Pinkie had in store for them...
FIVE MINUTES LATER...
“Well, that was amazing Twilight. But y’know I do have a big day tomorrow. Fluttershy is probably missing me, so I better go.” Pinkie Pie sheepishly darted from the room, leaving the purple unicorn alone.
Twilight laid there, frustrated and confused, but none of that mattered. Twilight had finally rid herself of Pinkie’s pursuit. That and she was now comfortable with her brother’s marriage. She really did feel happy for him for the first time. She lay on her back in her bed, relieved for the first time since she got off the train. She was certain that the wedding tomorrow was going to go on without a hitch.
She was wrong.
The ponies were decked out in their lavish bridlemaid dresses. Everything was in place. The carriages were arriving. Shining Armor was behind the scenes waiting for his bride to arrive. The bridal party in the foyer of the west chapel. The moment was upon them. Princess Cadence’s carriage would be the next to arrive.
The guards led a special guest into the room to speak briefly with the bridlemaids. It was Rainbow Dash’s father, Mr. Dash. He came up to Fluttershy and kissed her, wishing her luck.
Rainbow Dash was aloof. “Hey Dad. What you been up to? Besides robbing the stable.”
Mr. Dash was equally aloof. “Y’know. Working. Paying bills. Not sleeping the days away on clouds. Actually accomplishing my goals. The usual.”
“I’ll have you know I made it into the Wonder Bolts. They just haven’t called me up to serve yet. I’m an important pony in Ponyville. I’m the Element of Loyalty.”
“Oh really, is that why you don’t reply to my letters?”
Rainbow Dash was in too good a mood today to have this same argument again. She bowed to her father. “I will see you at the reception. Thanks for coming.”
Mr. Dash left in a huff. Fluttershy sighed. “That was a lot more calm than the last time. Do you think you’re on the edge of a breakthrough?”
“Meh. I’m just in too good a mood to get into a scuffle with the old pony today. This is going to be awesome.”
Rarity turned to Rainbow. “I agree. After last night was so relaxing. I feel like I have not a care in the world today.”
Twilight looked over her five friends. They all had this deliriously pleasant smirk on their faces, like they were miles away. “What’s with everyone today?”
Pinkie Pie giggled. “What? We had a great time last night. Why not be happy today?”
Twilight scowled. “Well, I’m glad it was good for ONE of us!”
All necks snapped toward Twilight. She realized immediately that she said too much. Pinkie Pie made herself scarce. The others crowded around her, demanding details.
“Oh my gosh, Twi, you capitulated to Pinkie Pie? Are you crazy? How was it?” demanded Rainbow Dash.
“Well, it wasn’t very … good. It sort of stopped halfway into it. It’s like, after we got passed first base, we went to second base, then before we could get to third base, the short stop caught a pop fly and threw it to the third base pony. Then they caught me in a trap, running me from second to third base...”
“What?” demanded Applejack.
No pony knew what Twilight was talking about. She needed a translator.
Twilight whispered something into Fluttershy’s ear. Fluttershy blushed hard then computed a translation for the group. “They were stirring the mayo pretty hard, but when it came time for the big one-less-than-seventy, Pinkie's train had already left the station. Pinkie gave her a got-a business-meeting-in-the-morning and left Twilight up sexy creak without a paddle.”
Applejack smiled. “See, Twilight you could have just said that.”
Twilight steamed. “What?! No! I could not have! What did she even say?”
Rainbow Dash waved Pinkie Pie over. “We’re done talking about you! Come back.”
She bounced over. “Oh. I hope it was all good things.”
“It wasn’t.” said Rainbow Dash.
Pinkie shrugged. “Oh well. You win some you lose some.”
Twilight Sparkle was aghast. “How can you all be so calm? We’re about to parade ourselves in front of the whole kingdom of Equestria and not one of you are nervous? Not even Fluttershy? What were you all doing last night to make youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu... oh my gosh.” The pieces finally started to fit together.
* * *
Meanwhile, Shining Armor gazed down from the balcony above the foyer of the chapel. He was inspecting the faces of the bridlemaids very carefully. “Let’s see, looks like I got three--no four out of five. Not bad. I suppose it’s for the best. The fifth was my sister.”
Luna stepped out of the shadows to converse with Shining Armor. “I do not understand. Why do they all get to have intercourse. Am I not the Princess? I should have some naughty fun as well.”
“You had a stripper right there last night. You should have done him.”
Luna gasped. “They do that too?”
“Yes, but you need to pay them extra.”
“What else do I have to spend my bits on? Bat chow and cloaks?” Luna pouted.
Shining Armor gave his friend a reassuring pat on the back. “I’ll keep my ears open. If I find a great stallion to be your boyfriend, I’ll send him your way. Are you sure you won’t be joining us in the ceremony?”
“No, the sunlight is not my friend. Also, I’ll be spending the rest of the day putting the moon back on its proper course.”
“So the bridlemaids have been restored?”
“They will be off their feet for a few days, but they are fine. I also found a strange doughnut pony who had been turned to stone. It bothers me that I don’t know what’s causing it, but we should be good now that we have a supply of antidote.”
“Alright then. I guess I’ll see you after my honeymoon. Good luck.” They shook hooves and parted as friends.
Before Shining Armor could get to the narrow spiral stairs leading down from the balcony, he came across a mare in black. She had her hoof over her face. The sunglasses were no longer enough to hide the tears.
“I guess this is it for us. I’ll be a prince soon, and that means I fall under the jurisdiction of the royal guards.”
“I-It’s been an honor working with you sir.”
He gave her a hug. “Goodbye, Cinnamon Viper.”
* * *
The royal carriage was about to arrive. “Where is Spike?”
Spike did indeed step into place at the last second. “I was looking for that alicorn colt, Leon. He said he was in the party, but I don’t see him anywhere?”
“Leon who?” said Twilight.
“Y’know the Princess’s nephew. The colt with the wings and horn? He should be here.”
Twilight Sparkle had a troubled looked on her face. “Spike, wing genes are recessive in alicorns. They would just look like unicorns. There ARE no male alicorns.“
Cadence’s carriage arrived. The procession started and before they knew it, the Elements of Harmony were at the altar and the groomsstallions as well. Cadence walked down the aisle and met her groom, Shining Armor before Princess Celestia. After the organ music cut off, the ruler of Equestria began the proceedings.
“I’d like to thank everyone for attending. Before we begin, I must urge you all to send your prayers to Soarin, whom has somehow re-broken his legs last night in his sleep.
“And now we shall turn to the joining of these two young ponies in the bonds of holy matrimony.”
Before Princess Celestia could continue, a loud roar was heard throughout the chapel. Crash! Bang! Ceiling tiles began to crumble and the crowd began to panic and flee. Princess Cadence began crying uncontrollably, as Shining Armor held her close.
“You haven’t forgotten me have you?” said an unearthly voice from just behind Princess Celestia.
Celestia turned around to see a small pegasus unicorn with a tuxedo. “What? Who are you?”
“I’m an old friend. Just wanted to crash the party”
Celestia cried out in terror. A large flash of light filled the room.
* * *
“Quiet!” Twilight Sparkle screamed. The room had stopped shaking. The screams were quieted. Any plaster that was going to fall from the ceiling had already done so. The crowd was now frozen in their tracks looking at the maid of honor.
Twilight looked around the altar for Princess Celestia. She was right behind her the whole time, but something was wrong. Princess Celestia was frozen, like a statue. Even her hair had stopped moving. This was bad.
“Princess?” the purple unicorn then realized she had seen this condition once before. Princess Celestia was in shyshock.
Just then, the silence of the room was broken by a horrible, echoing laugh. A familiar laugh.
“Discord! How did you get free?” demanded the purple unicorn.
“Well, it wasn’t easy.” The draconequus appeared over Princess Celestia’s frozen body. “I had to put myself back together. I had gone all to pieces. It’s not easy being frozen in stone. Then I got to thinking that turnabout is fair play. I saw the light and decided to devote myself evermore to pursuing harmony. And since Princess Celestia trapped me in stone, it’s only fair and harmonious to do the same to her. What’s good for the draconequus is good for the Princess, as the old saying goes.”
“Of course, a simple petrification spell wouldn’t work on good old ‘Tia. She’s got that wavy hair and the like for protection. It did, however, work great on the last bunch of bridlemaids Princess Cadence had selected. That got me thinking. If I could get Princess Celestia embarrassed enough, she would go into shyshock. Same thing right? The question was how to do it. Such a selfless do-gooder would never be embarrassed for herself, but she would get embarrassed for a loved one if her heart was broken. And so here we are, at her ruined wedding.”
Cadence trembled before the monster.
Pinkie Pie snarled. “You monster! We’ll just trap you again with the Elements of Harmony!”
Discord disappeared and reappeared behind her, wearing a hawaiian shirt and holding a suitcase. “Oh, that’s a fantastic plan. Good luck with it. However, I have these non-transferable tickets to the Kingdom of Not -Here, with a two hour stop over in the land of Leaving-you-to-clean-up-the-mess-I’ve-created.”
Disappearing for the last time, Discord left an echo in the hall. “Good luck reviving your Princess! Hahahaha!”
Applejack was spooked. “Is he gone.”
Twilight Sparkle growled. “Of course he’s gone. He’s not going to stand around and let us zap him like last time.” She stomped over to the frozen ruler of Equestria. It was up to her now. As the current leading authority in magic, and the only living pony to cure a case of shyshock, it was up to Twilight Sparkle to save Princess Celestia and the kingdom. She summoned her clipboard and quill. “Alright everyone. We have a national emergency on our hands. We all need to pitch in! Time to get embarrassing!”
After locking the doors and getting rid of the media, or any cameras for that matter, they paraded out numerous acts to try to snap the Princess out of her shyshock. Octavia tried to DJ. Vinyl Scratch tried to play the cello. Twilight and Pinkie Pie did make out, but this time it was to Pinkie Pie’s embarrassment.
“Spike and I are lovers!” Rarity boasted. The room was hushed. “I don’t care what anyone says. I don’t care if he’s a dragon! I love him and he satisfies me like no stallion ever could!” she ran to Spike and began crying into his green spines.
“I’m dating my best friend’s father!” Fluttershy ran to the center of the room. “I knew it was wrong but I did it anyways! He is so handsome and he treats me so well! I’m a horrible friend!”
Rainbow Dash ran out to her. “No! It’s my fault! I should have told you! I was a bad daughter! Fluttershy, don’t cry! Ah, now you got me started!” The two pegasi collapsed onto each other, bawling and spouting apologies.
Those were not the only outbursts, to be sure. Many citizens admitted to infidelity, tax evasion and even cheating at bridge. We won’t go into the things Lyra admitted to.
Cadence admitted to being jealous of Twilight Sparkle's tiara for the Element of Magic.She tried to steal a look at it--tried to stick her horn in the lock. She got stuck in the wall for two hours .
Applejack cringed. “I’m going to have to shave my mane again aren’t I?”
Twilight Sparkle finally snapped, crushing the clipboard to the ground. “I am jealous of my brother! I wanted to get married before him! I wanted this wedding! I wanted it all! It’s not fair that I’ve always been jealous him! He accomplishes whatever he wants and he makes it look so easy! I wanted my studies to be that easy, but they never were! I thought the years of studying and discipline would make me less petty, but I can’t fight my feelings anymore! My brother is awesome and I can’t stand him!”
A ray of light emanated from Princess Celestia’s horn. The light filled the room with a blinding brightness.
Twilight Sparkle looked up to see Princess Celestia emerging from that bright light.
“My dear Twilight Sparkle. I knew you could figure out how to save me.”
“You knew I could embarrass myself worse than anyone in the kingdom?” Twilight was a little flustered, but relieved to have her mentor restored.
“I trusted you to thwart any evils that befall my kingdom, no matter what needed to be done. That’s what trust is.”
Twilight was so flattered that she was ashamed she had said anything snide. She ran up to her Princess and hugged her. Her brother stepped up.
“Thank you. You’ve saved us all. I’m sorry for doubting you.”
Twilight gave him a poke in the ribs, but he returned it with a hug.
The wedding continued without incident. The jubilation at the end of the ceremony was legendary, giving not a care for the dust and cracked walls. Besides Spike catching the garter belt, no more embarrassing moments were had.
Afterward, Cadence threw her bouquet. There was some pretty fierce competition, but somehow Fluttershy caught the bouquet in her teeth. She immediately turned to Mr. Dash and exchanged a longing glance.
Rainbow Dash facehoofed.
* * *
Twilight Sparkle rested her hooves on the railing of the mezzanine balcony. High up above the main events of the reception, the mezzanine was a place to escape the normal hubbub of the reception.
“Hey! You’re the savior of the kingdom. What are you doing up here?” Pinkie approached her friend with a nervous smile.
Twilight sighed. “Didn’t you hear my humiliating rant? I’m regretting not dating more.”
More nervous laughter from the pink one. “I guess I don’t count, huh? Worst lover ever!”
Twilight smirked at her. “Best friend ever.” She reached around and gave her a hug.
“So does this mean you’re finally on the prowl for a stallion? What about your studies?”
“I need to stop trying to get a major in every magic subject and just choose one to specialize in. I can’t be a student forever. I need to go find a boyfriend and do other mare things.”
Pinkie gave a pinkie-sized grin. “Well, I met some great stallions on the dance floor. One is tall and he makes great balloon animals. The short one is blonde and really cute. He’s a professional ball player.”
“Sounds like a blast. Let’s hit the dance floor.”
Pinkie Pie grabbed something from inside her dress. “Oh, before we go, just one thing...”
“What is it?”
“Breath mint?”
* * *
Rainbow Dash trotted out of the VIP section to her father’s table. “Hey Dad. I just wanted to say I’m sorry for being so stubborn. Can you forgive me.”
“I already have. You really should read those letters. I tell you what, how about you give your old dad a dance?”
“I have to warn you, I can’t dance.” Rainbow chuckled.
“I can’t either. But it’s a father’s right to shuffle back and forth awkwardly with his daughter from time to time, right?”
“Agreed.”
* * *
Princess Celestia sat alone in the grand ballroom. The bartender had closed up shop, but not without bringing the princess a long line of cider shots. She had already eaten the last of the cake. Octavia was putting her cello away when she bowed to her majesty. “We’re going home now. Thank you for this opportunity your highness.”
Celestia wished her well and started to look around to find that she really was alone now. She started to drink her troubles away in the moonlight. The moon seemed unusually close that evening. Then she turned to thinking about how the stress had been affecting her. The muscle aches; The eye strain.The last few days, she felt like she was waking up with bites on her neck every morning.
How could it all have fallen apart like that? She had taken every precaution possible, but the ceremony was still crashed. She was sure that having the Elements of Harmony on display would deter any problems, but it still failed. The real terror that rocked her was the thought of what would have happened if Twilight had not been able to save her in time. Had the student surpassed the master? No, Twilight still had much to learn.
She downed another drink.
It was a good thing Princess Luna had returned to her. Cadence would be occupied for a while-a lifetime in fact- and she needed someone to talk to. With a heavy sigh, she took another drink. If Twilight were just a little older, she would have her move into the palace.
A mare in black with tightly braided red hair meekly stepped up to Celestia. “My Princess, I took the liberty of writing down the ponies who admitted to tax evasion this afternoon. I thought you might want the list.”
Celestia chuckled. “Oh, they were just trying to be helpful. I think I’ll be lenient, given the circumstances.” She inspected the mare’s strong, firm body. She seemed very familiar.
“You’re Cinnamon Viper, aren’t you? Shining Armor’s former bodyguard?”
The mare hung her head. “Yes.”
“I’m so sorry. I guess this wedding has put you out of a job. Come sit next to me. We should share a drink.” The mare in black did as she was told.
“No no. Sit closer. No, closer still. Little more. There.” Cinnamon Viper was puzzled. No pony sat this close to a Princess! Their cutie marks could almost kiss. “You know, Shining Armor sent me a very flattering letter about your skills.”
“Really?”
“Yes. I’ve been thinking. I need a personal assistant. Not just a guard, but someone to stay close to me, someone who can attend to intimate details in my life.” Celestia was serious about Cinnamon. The assistant idea was inspired, but the princess hadn’t had time to address it until now.
Cinnamon was shivering with excitement. “It would be my pleasure, my Princess!”
“Good. Let’s retire to my room where we can discuss... details.”
Cinnamon was awash with a new joy. She grinned and cracked her hooves. She was about to give the pat down of her life.
Epilogue: The Eye of Scootaloo
Scootaloo stretched her wings out on the couch. It would be good to get some rest before her shift, but she had to keep one eye open at least. Her wings were strong now. Her legs were lean and limber. Combined with her fashionable short mane cut, she was the apple of every stallion’s eye. She stretched her neck to the side and got a glimpse of her cutie mark. It was a jeweled heart with floral adornments. She was so proud of that mark.
Having wings that worked was a great advantage, enabling her to live in the clouds and stay closer to family and friends. It even enabled her to be a roommate to her idol, the fastest Wonder Bolt ever, Rainbow Dash. That, however, did not work out as she had planed. She looked into the corner to make sure the ‘special room’ was closed and locked.
There was a famous saying; ‘Never meet your heroes’. Scootaloo would have a more in depth description; 1. Never meet your heroes. 2. Never move in with your heroes. 3. Never agree to cover for their sexual deviancy.
* * *
The door flew open and a proud Rainbow Dash marched in, with a ruffled mane and the same outfit she had the previous evening. “I’ve met the stallion of my dreams. I’ve met the one I’m going to marry. You would not believe the sex I had last night.”
Scootaloo jumped up. “Um, Rainbow?”
“Best sex ever! This guy not only kept up with me all night, he actually taught me a thing or two! Or three! He’ll be coming by this afternoon for round two.”
“Hey, Rainbow??”
“I tell you, Scootaloo, I want to have his foals! Foals! Lots of them! You have to meet him!”
“Rainbow!”
“What?” Rainbow Dash suddenly realized something and turned around. Sitting on the counter was her sister, the product of her father and his new wife, Fluttershy. She was Rainbowshy, only entering elementary education and looked up at her sister with the biggest blue eyes imaginable. She was a lighter shade of sunshine than her mother, and her mane had all the colors of Rainbow Dash’s, only in reverse order.
“Yeah, I’ve been keeping an eye on her while she made you breakfast.” Scootaloo spat.
“But that means the week starts today? As in today today?”
“None other. That means you have to take your darling little sister to the Sisterhooves Social today. And the Cloudsdale Weather Factory tomorrow. And the Aquarium the next.” Scootaloo laughed as Dash’s hastily made sexy-plans were falling apart before her eyes.
“C’mon sis. Eat your breakfast.” Rainbowshy jumped over to the kitchen table, where she had prepared pancakes, a muffin, and juice.
But the stallion of her dreams would be there this afternoon! If they competed in the Sisterhooves Social, she’d be gone until sundown. Rainbow Dash panicked for an instant, then composed herself. “Hold tight, Rainbow Dash! You can settle this like a mature adult.”
Scootaloo raised an eyebrow incredulously.
Dash wrote out a carefully worded letter and placed it in an envelope. “Scoots, you’ll be back by three today right?”
“Yeah...”
“Good! When the stallion comes by give him this letter, and be sure to put in a good word for me. I need to KEEP this one, do you understand?”
Scootaloo didn’t quite know the reason for her sudden change of heart, but she went along with it. She put the letter on the kitchen table and grabbed her apron. “I’m already late for my shift. See you two tonight.”
Rainbow Dash sat down to breakfast. It did look like some tasty muffins, pancakes, and juice.
“Sis, what’s sex?” queried Rainbowshy.
Rainbow Dash choked on the muffins. “Fraslgm. Fwar. Foo. It’s a-a special flying maneuver. Yes. It’s very dangerous however, so only adults should try it.”
“Oh, ok.”
Satisfied that she had silenced her sister, Rainbow Dash continued her breakfast.
“Sis, where do foals come from?”
Rainbow Dash choked on the pancakes. “Blugg. Frabb. What?”
“You said you wanted to make little foals. How do you do that?”
Rainbow put a hoof to her chin as she thought of an answer. All the media training she did with the Wonder Bolts publicity guru was about to come in handy. “I really don’t know. I’m going to have to consult my doctor on that one. As soon as I find out, I’ll tell you.”
The little filly seemed satisfied and Rainbow Dash continued with a sip of juice.
“Sis, why are all my mother’s other friends I call ‘Auntie’, but you’re my sister?”
Rainbow Dash spit her juice across the table.
“Gosh. You sure are a messy eater.”
“Well, you see we have the same father. Sometimes mommies die when a foal is very little. Other times, they meet a rich doctor and run off with them to Trottingham. Anyway, our father married my friend Fluttershy, and they had you. And they were the happiest two ponies in all of Equestria!” said Rainbow Dash.
“Wow. That must have been awkward.”
* * *
Rainbow Dash and Rainbowshy made it to the sign in for the Sisterhooves Social with plenty of spare time. “Alright, this will give us a chance to scope out the competition.” said Rainbow Dash. Rainbowshy was not the born athlete her sister was, but she was willing to do anything to make her big sister happy.
The social has always been a huge event in Ponyville. It had only grown over the years. It now encompassed every inch of Sweet Apple Acres that wasn’t orchard. The booths and festivities went all the way up to the farmhouse wall, where you could smell Applejack’s apple pies cooling on the windowsill. There were pie eating booths and apple tossing games, but the real event was the obstacle course. It encompassed all events, including hay bale pushing and egg balancing. The most difficult part was the finale. After the egg carry, the two had to sisters need to jump three hurdles to make it to the finish line. A sinch for Dash, naturally, but Rainbowshy needed help just to be able to flutter over them.
“Look who it is. I didn’t think HALF sisters were allowed!”
That condescending voice could only come from one source. Rainbow turned her head to see Diamond Tiara, the richest filly in Ponyville! With her was her younger sister, Crystal Tiara, a light pink unicorn with a stylish crystal tiara on her head. They didn’t even mind getting dirty if it meant an opportunity to show how superior they were.
The little unicorn was like a magnified version of her sister’s snobbery. “You’re too young and feeble to compete! Just look at those short legs!”
Rainbowshy wasn’t taking any guff from the pastel unicorn. Not in front of her big sister. “Oh, yeah, well I have wings. That means one day I’ll be performing sex!”
“Ha! Well I have a horn, and that means someday I’ll be giving horn jobs!”
Rainbow Dash and Diamond Tiara each scooped up their sisters in horror.
“What have you been teaching her?”
“What have you been teaching her ?"
The two were at an impasse. They backed away slowly.
“C’mon, Crystal Tiara, let’s practice our victory speeches. This will be easier than I thought.”
Rainbow Dash turned away with her sister and gave her a pep talk. “Don’t you worry about them. They’re all talk.”
“Well, yeah. You’re my big sis, and I know you can win. Plus you’re one of the Wonder Bolts and they’re just some pampered rich fillies. What chance do they have?”
Once Dash calmed down, it all seemed to fit into place. “Oh, yeah.”
“She does have a point, Rainbow Dash. We really need to make this more of a fair race.” Apple Bloom stepped in out of nowhere. A moment later Dash found herself having her wings tied behind her back by a young stallion. How dare he? Who was this joker? Hmmm... He had some skills. Oh wait, that was AB’s boyfriend, Lickity Split. Hooves off.
“Sorry, but we all know you’re the best flyer in Equestria. This course is structured for no-wings events only. We need to give the others a fighting chance.” Apple Bloom gave a wink and proceeded to the stage to announce the starting of the race.
Rainbow Dash and Rainbowshy adorned matching neckerchiefs and proceeded to the starting line.
Out of nowhere, Rainbowshy hugged Rainbow Dash. “You are my WHOLE sister right? You’re not going to leave me half-way are you?”
Dash’s iron-clad war face was broken. She ran a reassuring hoof over her sister’s mane. “No, of course not! You and me? We’re sister’s for life. No matter what happens.”
* * *
With a mighty cry from the megaphone, Apple Bloom started the race.
Despite Rainbowshy being shorter than the other small fillies, she could run at a decent clip. They pulled out ahead early and nailed the apple toss, then proceeded to pie eating. Considering of how little of her breakfast actually got eaten, Dash made quick work of that pie.
Next came pushing the hay bales. Pushing hay is really hard, and Diamond and Crystal Tiara started to catch up. As they rounded the corner, Diamond Tiara shot a smirk of superiority to Rainbow Dash.
Something was awry. How could Diamond Tiara, the most prissy of ponies, be so confident?
At the grape stomp, the two teams were neck and neck. It was clear this was going to be a race between them. After the grapes were done, all four entered the chicken coop for the egg carry. This was the last fine task before the race for the finish.
Both teams had their eggs between their muzzles, but the Tiaras were pulling ahead fast. That was when Dash saw something.
Diamond Tiara and Crystal Tiara were carrying an egg on their noses, but they were using unicorn magic to stop it from falling. Dash had enough close friends who were unicorns to tell the difference.
Dash growled at the two. They were so close to winning. Winning by cheating. Dash could not let that happen to her little sister. Losing was one thing, but losing to cheaters was a pony of another color. She couldn’t just reach out and poke the horn. She was just a filly after all. Think, Rainbow Dash! What would Rarity do? And then it hit her.
“Hey Crystal! You’re tiara just went out of style!”
The pink filly let out a high pitched shriek. “It did?!” They dropped the egg.
As the tiara sisters went back for another Dash and Rainbowshy placed their unbroken egg and started darting toward the hurdles. The first hurdle wind over pretty well. Rainbowshy only knocked her hooves a little. The second hurdle stopped the little filly dead in her tracks. “You can do it!” Dash cried out, but she was going to need a boost. With a quick whip of her rainbow tail, Dash popped Rainbowshy over the hurdle. But they weren’t done yet.
One more hurdle before the finish line, and the Tiara sisters were gaining fast. Dash and Rainbowshy galloped toward the final hurdle. This time Dash would take no chances; with a whip of her tail, Rainbowshy was knocked clear over the hurdle to just steps before the finish line.
Diamond Tiara was just steps away from the finish line. Dash and Rainbowshy made a leap for the goal.
Confetti balls exploded all around the finish area. Cheers were heard. They had their winners for this year.
Rainbow Dash held her sister high above her head. They had won the Sisterhooves social.
Dear Princess Celestia,
I know it’s been a while, but I wanted to write you about my sister. While the circumstances that lead up to this point were a little strange, I’m happy to have her. It’s been a rewarding experience getting to be a big sister for the first time in my life. I think I’m ready now to start my own family and start having my own foals. I may have met the right stallion for the job, but only time will tell.
I’d like to thank you for all the years of encouragement and advice you’ve given me. I hope it’s enough to make me as good a mother as my best friend, Fluttershy.
Your Humble Servant, Rainbow Dash
* * *
Scootaloo stumbled in the door. Preparing coffee, even for only four hours can be an exhausting task. She looked down at the table and saw the letter Rainbow had written that morning. As if on queue, there was a loud knock at the entrance to their apartment.
Scootaloo opened the door. “Hey, Dad.”
[Look for “Applejacked” this summer.]
A loud thud rocked the airship.
“Hehe. dude. Princess getting railed. Right behind this door. hehe.” A slack-jawed guard smiled to himself as he appreciated the joy of guarding that particular door on that particular night.
“You think this is a laughing matter? C’mon, why do you think the honeymoon suite is in the most reinforced part of the airship?” the hard-jawed guard stationed at the opposite of the door was not amused. He was interrupted by a sound.
Another loud thud was heard.
“The sexual appetite of the alicorn is a force of nature. They try to keep it contained, but once it’s let out, massive damage can occur. It they did that in an earthbound structure, the vibrations were cause an earthquake! That’s why we have these airships!”
“Whoa! Really? I feel sorry for the poor stallion in there. He’s probably getting his flank broken right now. I heard that’s what happened to the Wonder Bolts.”
“I heard they were all attacked in their sleep by rabatious hanggliding raccoons.”
“Nah, that was just a carefully constructed cover story made up by the Wonder Bolt’s publicity guru.”
The thuds from inside the room ceased.
Shining Armor emerged from the door. He wore a silk robe and had a smug look of confidence on his face. “Hey, I know there are supposed to be two here at all times, but do you think you could be a gentleman and fetch us another barrel of cider. We’re getting a bit dehydrated in there. I’ll stay out here and watch if need be.”
The guards did not seem to have an issue with this. The slack-jawed one left to the scullery to get a barrel.
After a minute or two, the curiosity of the strong jawed guard got the better of him and he broke protocol to ask some questions. “So... how is your evening going?”
“Pretty good. Definitely could make my top 5 evenings of all time, in fact.”
“You’re not feeling... injured or fractured in any way?”
“What the legendary appetite thing? That’s just an old ponies tale. Truth is they are demons in the sac, though. Softest coats in the universe. And their tails? They tickle you in just the right way. Pure magic.”
“Wow.”
“I tell you, once you go Alicorn, none other can satisfy your horn. Good thing Princess Celestia matched us up.”
“Say, you seem to be doing pretty well with the ladies.”
“I do alright for myself.”
“Do you think you might be able to hook me up with an alicorn?”
“I’ll see what I can do.” He handed the guard his business card. Why Shining Armor keeps business cards in his silk robe is anyone’s guess. The other guard returned and the unicorn then retired into his room with the barrel.
* * *
Cadence lay sprawled out on the bed. Her wings were outstretched and seemed to be rising up on their own. Shining was beginning to see what that meant. But he checked the clock and it was almost time. He had to stall for a minute.
He sat on the barrel of cider and looked over his new bride. “So, was I worth the wait?”
“No! You should have let me tear your clothes off and have my way with you on the first date!”
Shining Armor laughed. “With your Aunt right there? That would be a little rude, don’t you think?”
“Phooey.” She licked her lips. “Get over here, you, I want to try giving a horn job...”
Shining Armor smiled. “I’m right behind you, but there is one thing I’d like you to do for me beforehand. A favor. The sun will be rising in a minute...”
“Ack!” Princess Cadence was stunned. “You mean we’ve been at it all night?”
“Sort of. We lose night as we travel east, toward the rising sun; but yes, we have been at it all night. I really would like to watch the sunrise with you.”
Cadence lifted an eyebrow. “Really? More than a horn job?”
“Just because us stallions aren’t ardent about flowers and decorations, doesn’t mean we don’t have our needs for romance. This is important. Please just do this for me.” He opened the window to the room, letting in the twilight. “I want you to watch the sunrise with me.” He was ready to jump on her at any moment, of course, but this was something he really wanted to share with is wife.
Cadence pouted impatiently. “You didn’t seem concerned with watching the sun set while we were waiting to take off.”
“That’s because nothing was ending. This is a beginning.”
Cadence was pleasantly surprised. “I don’t know what to say. Ok, lets do it.”
They lay next to each other, nuzzling their necks as the sun came up over the mountains.
After a few minutes, Cadence turned to her husband. “Is there a reason we can’t watch this together with you on top of me?”
“Ah, compromise. Truly the sign of a strong marriage.”
