Canterlot Inbox

by MDNGHTRDHTLN

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Slice of Life, Crossover, Princess Luna, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Other, Pinkie Pie, Sex
Length: 6983

Join Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Princess Luna, and various other guest stars as they sort through mail, answering questions and cracking (sometimes...okay, almost always inappropriate) jokes.

There is a ton of mail in Canterlot. What are Princess Celestia and Princess Luna to do? At Cadence's suggestion, they do the only logical thing: answer it with the help of Equestria's two premier jokesters, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie. Join them on their quest to answer strange questions, eat snacks, and make many inappropriate jokes along the way.

Written for the purposes of:
a) to help with my depression
b) get a lighthearted, funny, episodic fanfic up on FIMFiction
c) give Respawn Inbox the semi-crossover it deserves
d) Mr. Sark is best pony

To ask a question to the hosts, go here. Any questions not at this post will be rejected outright. Make sure to read the rules, too.

Published 2013-10-04 02:30:05 UTC
Last updated 2013-12-02 03:19:03 UTC

Chapter One: Pilot

“Tia! Hey, Tia!” Luna shouted the halls of the palace in Canterlot.

“Yes, sister?” Celestia responded. She was getting in to a very interesting article in Science Monthly about the effects of water on a petunia sandwich (it enhances flavor! Celestia would have to try that one later) when her sister interrupted her.

“Two things: one, I’m your sister, not your business partner. You can drop the ‘Yes, sister?’, okay?” she said in an eerily accurate impression of Celestia.

Celestia shook her head. “I never thought you’d take fitting in this far, Loony,” remembering her pet name for Luna during their childhood. A rather accurate nickname, considering that whole kerfuffle with Nightmare Moon and such a few years back.

“I take being a normal pony very seriously,” she returned.

Celestia gave her sister an incredulous look. “Loony, we have wings and a horn, are about three times as large as a fully-grown stallion, live about a hundred times longer than the average pony if we want to, and have manes that look like we ripped the sky’s hair off and glued it to our heads.”

“So? I can at least try.”

“I guess you can. But you didn’t come to argue about mail, did you?”

“Nope. Have you been down to the Royal Mailroom lately?”

“Not since the whole Corporeal Shadow business about two months ago, no.” A story for another time.

“Well, we have a fuck-ton of mail.”

“Can you maybe quantify the term ‘fuck-ton’ for me?”

“Think of the biggest number you can think of.”

She thought of infinity. Everypony knew that that was the biggest number around. “Got it,” she confirmed.

“Now multiply it by infinity.”

That is a large number. “Fuck, that is a ton of mail. Oh. Oh, I see. Fuck-ton. Clever, Luna. Clever.”

“I know, right? What are we supposed to do about it?”

“Excuse me?” A pink princess wandered into the room.

“Hey, Cadence,” Celestia greeted her.

“Hey. So, I heard you two have a bit of a mail problem?”

“There’s a fuck-ton of mail in the mail room, Cadence.”

“How much is that?”

“Infinity times infinity.”

Cadence processed that number for a moment. “Oh, fuck, that is a ton of mail. Oh. I see. Fuck-ton. Clever.”

“That’s what I said!”

“Anyways, I may have a solution.”

“And that is?”

“A webshow.”

“A webshow?”

“Yeah. I know you two know about the Internet. Don’t make me explain what a webshow is. It’s a compound word, for your sake.”

“We know what a webshow is, Cadence,” Luna chimed in. “Please, continue.”

“Well, Luna, why don’t you make a webshow where you go through the mail? Answer questions, make a few jokes, et cetera? I bet the show would also increase the public’s opinion on you.”

Celestia snorted. “Luna? Funny? Don’t make me laugh.”

Luna stomped her hoof. “I can be funny.”

“Of course you can,” Celestia said sarcastically.

“Ahem!” Cadence interrupted. “Why don’t you maybe get a few other ponies to help?”

“Good idea,” Luna said. She turned to her sister. “I don’t know if you heard, but I like this idea. A lot.”

“Good,” Celestia said. “I like it, too. But who do we get to help?”

Cadence smiled. “I know Twilight has a few friends who are inclined to a few jokes.”

“Good one, Pinks. I got one. What do you do with a dog with no legs?”

Pinkie Pie took a sip of her cupcake-flavored milkshake. The thing was really good. “Take it for a drag?”

“Damn it! You know that one?” Rainbow Dash sighed in defeat.

“Everyone knows that one, silly. I have one. A few Valley Mares walked into a bar. You’d think one of them would have seen it!” This one elicited a laugh out of Rainbow Dash. It would’ve gotten more if Princess Luna hadn’t crashed down and scared the living daylights of her.

Pinkie started to laugh. “You jumped three feet in the air!” She held her stomach and rocked back and forth, laughing the whole time.

“You know what?” Rainbow said, also laughing. “I have no shame.”

“I hope you don’t,” Luna said. “You’ll need a deficiency of it for what I’m about to ask of you.”

“Oh, hey, Princess Luna,” Dash greeted.

“Yeah, hiya!” Pinkie welcomed her.

“Hello, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie. Listen, I need your help in Canterlot. Care to teleport with me?”

“Sure, why not?” was their answer. Yes, they said it at the same time.

An aura of blue magic swept them away. Our intrepid heroes found themselves sitting at a nice wooden table. On the table was a plate with barbeque potato chips on them. Behind them was an annex of shelves filled with packages.

“Princess, what are we doing here?” Pinkie asked.

“Making a webshow where we answer mail.”

“Ooh! Sounds like fun!”

“Yeah, I’m down,” Rainbow said with a smile on her face.

“Good. We have snacks here too. So, basically, we answer the mail and make jokes. You can say pretty much whatever you want, as long as you don’t make any serious threats or something like that.”

“Can we swear?” Pinkie asked.

“Yep,” Luna replied.

“Okay. Just making sure.”

“Well, that’s about it. Sorry for the rushed intro, but I’m itching to start. Oh, and the show is called Canterlot Inbox. I’ll do the introduction for the pilot. Okay?”

Rainbow and Pinkie nodded.

“Let’s go. In three, two, one…

“Hello, everypony.  I’m Princess Luna. Welcome to Canterlot Inbox, the show where we answer your mail. With me I have Rainbow Dash. Say hi, Dash.”

She waved to the camera. “Hey.”

“And I also have Pinkie Pie with me. Say hi, if you will, please?”

“Hiya!” Pinkie said, smiling a wide grin.

“So, basically, we’re going to sort through the mail you’ve sent us. This is the pilot, so forgive us if it sucks. We’re a bit new to the whole mail scene.”

Luna grabbed a letter from behind her. “Let’s start.” She opened the letter with the use of a small silver letter opener, pulled out the page, and started to read. “’Hi, Princesses. I wanted to ask you a question. You have the chance to switch your gender for one day. What would you do? Your loyal subject, Sweetsong.’ What would I do with a gender swap for a day…you know what, I have no shame. I would have some sort of sex.”

“Really?” Rainbow gave the princess a questioning look.

“Yeah. Don’t tell me you’re not curious about that.”

“Well, I am, but I can’t imagine you would be.”

“I am.”

“Huh. Well, I agree. I would want to know what’d it be like to do it as a stallion. How about you, Pinkie?”

She had just finished eating a chip. “I agree,” she said. “Totally.”

“Next question!” Luna said. “Let’s see here…here’s a good one. ‘Dear Princesses, if you could become anypony you wanted to become for one day, who would you want to be and why? Your subject, Crystal Serenade. I have actually thought about this one. I would want to be DJ P0N-3 for a day. Go partying and the like.”

“Why can’t you party now?” Pinkie asked.

Luna spread her wings and deadpanned at the camera. “I don’t know. It’s not like I’m an alicorn or anything.”

“Definitely not,” Pinkie said, smiling a good-natured smile. “There is no way you’re an alicorn.”

“Totally,” Rainbow Dash agreed. “Not a single ounce of alicorn blood in you.”

“Definitely not. What about you guys?”

Pinkie answered first. “I would wanna be Rarity.”

“Why Rarity? I mean, she’s cool, don’t get me wrong, but why?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Well, I wanna know what it’s like to be, like, the prettiest mare ever.”

Rainbow scoffed. "Pinkie, you're pretty."

Luna feigned offense. “I see how it is. I get it.”

“It’s not you, it’s me,” Pinkie said, smiling that smile again. “It just wouldn’t work out between us.”

“Really?”

“No, but we can’t talk about it here. PG-13, guys.” She giggled. “What about you, Dashie?”

“Well, I like me, but if I had to choose…”

“I know what she’s gonna say. I know it.”

“…I’d choose Spitfire.”

Pinkie looked at the camera and flashed a victorious smile. “I knew it!”

“Next question!” Luna said. “Pinkie, would you like to do the honors?”

“Sure!” She opened the next letter. “Oh, boy. I’m gonna try to decipher this. ‘Where would you like it?’ it asks. But it’s spelled, like, ‘were wuld u like it?’. So, where would you like it?”

“What is ‘it’?”

“I don’t know. You know what, close your eyes. Clear your mind of everything.” Luna and Rainbow Dash did so. “We’ll do Dashie first. Open your eyes.”

Rainbow opened her eyes.

“Where would you like it?”

Rainbow deadpanned the camera. “Back door.”

“I knew it! I read you like a book, Dashie.”

“No, you don’t.”

“You’re right. I don’t. Your turn, Luna. Where would you like it?”

Luna opened her eyes. “I just thought of Camareo. I don’t know why.”

Rainbow Dash smiled. “Just when I thought it couldn’t get any more awkward than back door. That means Burt Maneolds is forcing himself onto you very aggressively.”

Luna laughed. “His mustache is like steel wool.”

“Ouch,” Pinkie concurred.

“I love you, Burt Maneolds!” Luna shouted. “Why don’t we open a package?” She grabbed a box from behind her and opened it. “The letter first. ‘Hello, Princesses. I have included something for you to do. I know that you can get hassled a lot, so I have included some scholarly glasses for you. Put them on and give the haters a piece of your mind. Your loyal subject, Special Ingredient.’ Thanks, Special.” She opened the glasses. “Ooh, I like the color.” They were jet black with thick rims. Pinkie had a hipster friend who owned a pair just like them. Luna put them on. “What do I tell the haters now?” she asked.

“Whatever you want,” Dash said.

“Haters. I love you all,” Luna said, mildly creepily. “I think I’ll save these, and whenever I do a rant, I’ll put them on and just shout at the camera.”

“Good plan,” Pinkie agreed.

“Well, guys, I think that’s all we can do today. And viewers, send us your questions. No question will go unanswered here on Inbox. Goodnight.”

The red light on the camera died down.

“That sucked,” Luna said. “That was not very funny.”

“It’ll probably get better next time, because ponies will be sending us their questions. Those were sent before the pilot,” Rainbow Dash assured.

“True, true. Well, see you guys later. I’ll teleport you guys back to Ponyville.” She did just that.

Things are about to get hot and heavy on the next episode of Canterlot Inbox, so stay tuned!

Chapter Two: Hot and Heavy

PLEASE READ THE AUTHOR'S NOTES WHEN YOU FINISH THE CHAPTER!

Rainbow Dash smiled for the camera. “Hello, and welcome to Canterlot Inbox, where we answer your questions. I’m Rainbow Dash, and with me are my co-hosts Pinkie Pie, and Princess Luna, and we are also joined by the snack petunias.” At the end of this sentence, she motioned to the silver tray on the table in front of them. “Say hi, guys.”

“Hello,” Luna welcomed.

“Hiya!” Pinkie said.

“And you guys don’t have to call me Princess. I don’t like the word,” corrected Luna.

“Really? Why not?” Pinkie asked.

“Well, when I was a little filly, I had always wanted to know what it would be like to be normal. I had grown up with ponies at my beckon, and nothing was fun. Well, except for my sister, Discord, and I, running around the castle grounds.”

“You were friends with Discord growing up?”

“Yeah.”

“So why didn’t we know about that?”

“Well, that’s a funny story, really. Remember when we told you that we sealed him away a long time ago? Well, when we did it the first time, he was drunk out of his mind.”

“Discord was drunk?”

“Yup.”

“Don’t you think that would have worn off by the time he came out of his stone prison, then?”

“Draconeqqus hangovers are terrible and long-lasting. But he’s completely sober now. So don’t get him drunk.”

Rainbow and Pinkie were dumfounded by this, but had to lock away for the well-being of the show.

“Let’s start the show,” Luna suggested.

“Good idea. And we did get some mail from last week’s episode from some viewers, so hopefully we can answer some nice new questions. Question one comes from somepony named xXShadowSniperXx. I think that’s his e-mail address. Anyways, he asks, ‘Dear Canterlot Inbox: Liked the show from last week. Anyways, you have to choose. Your options are Princess Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia, and Princess Cadence. You must kill one, fuck one, and marry one. Make your choice.’ Oh, fuck me.”

“What do we say here?” asked Pinkie. “We know these ponies! We’re close to them!”

“We need to just answer and get it over with, alright? In advance, Princesses, we’re sorry for our answers,” Luna said. Keep in mind that all three of our intrepid hosts were trying to contain their laughter.

“I’ll go first,” Dash said. “I would…” She put her hoof into her face and leaned, giggling. “Oh, fuck. Okay, I would…fuck Twilight, marry Celestia, and kill Cadence.”

“I would do the same thing,” Pinkie said.

“This is friggin’ awkward for me no matter what. Do I fuck my sister, kill my sister, or marry my sister?” Luna asked herself, laughing. “Um…I would kill Celestia, marry Twilight, and fuck Cadence.”

“Why would you kill Celestia?” Pinkie asked.

“She stole my special edition copy of X-Ponies #1! I have a grudge.”

“Um…okay. Ooh, I like this next one,” Rainbow said. “’When was the first time you lust your verganity?’ Yes, it’s spelled ‘lust your verganity’.”

“Who cares about the first time you lust your verganity?” Luna said, shouting a bit and remaining straight faced. “It’s the second and third times that are worth talking about! You idiot! Next question.”

“We haven’t answered this one yet.”

“Fine. Remember the story I told you earlier, with Discord getting drunk? Well, before he got all ‘I’m-feeling-chaosy,’ I had also gotten a bit drunk. And we…you know, did the deed. He lost his then, too. And we’ve been ultra-best friends ever since. I cried when we imprisoned him for the first time, because I thought it was permanent. But nothing lasts forever.”

“Don’t you live forever?” Rainbow asked, intrigued.

“No. We just live longer. Our lifespan, starting from the moment we become a princess to our death, lasts about one thousand, five hundred years. So, when I came back from the moon, we were about one thousand years in. My sister and I have about 475 years left, Cadence has about 1,000, and Twilight has about 1,495. We wouldn’t make more ponies princesses if we wouldn’t die eventually.”

“I guess that makes sense,” Rainbow Dash said. “I feel kinda bad for Twilight now, because she’ll have to go awhile without us.”

“No, she won’t. Princesses can travel to and from the afterlife as they please.”

“Oh. Never mind then. What about you, Pinkie?”

“I was at a baker’s convention in Fillydelphia, went to a bar, and met a stallion. You can guess the rest.”

“I can,” Rainbow said. “I was in flight school, and it was on graduation. My friend Thunderlane seemed a bit off, and when I asked him why, he said that he was going to miss me. One thing led to another. He lost his, too.”

“Doesn’t Thunderlane live in Ponyville, too?”

“Yeah, but he didn’t know it then. As far as we knew, he was going to military school, which he did, but he was kicked out for disorderly conduct. He always was a bit of a troublemaker. Now, we go for lunch every week and catch up. Anyways, the moral of the story is that it doesn’t matter about the first time you lust your verganity! It’s the second and third times that are the ones worth talking about! You idiot! Next question.” She leaned back in her seat.

Pinkie laughed. “Icy Glaze asks, ‘When you go to the movie theater, which armrest is yours?”

“BOTH!” Rainbow shouted, leaning forward. “Lemme see the paper with the questions.” Ever since they had accepted e-mails and comments, they had to put those onto a paper. “Dragonis999 asks: have you ever been in an awkward/compromising position? Yes. When I lost my virginity. That was pretty awkward. Didn’t go very smoothly. How about you guys?”

“Once, I was at a baking competition, and the judges found trace amounts of baby powder in the cake. That was awkward, considering that was when those baby-powder-sniffing attacks happened out in Mareami,” Pinkie said.

“When I became Nightmare Moon, lots of ponies were there, and the transformation feels like giving birth to a fully-grown pony. Never wanna go through that again. Probably my most awkward one,” Luna added.

“Next question,” Rainbow started. “Horizon asks: what’s your most embarrassing moment?” She put a hoof to her chin. “Hmm…embarrassing? Well, one time, Thunderlane’s parents caught Thunderlane and I having sex. That was really embarrassing. That was after we had lost our virginities, mind you. I had visited him in military school. So did his parents. Things happened, and Thunderlane and his parents had an argument. I am actually one of the reasons he was kicked out of military school. And he thanked me for it. Hated that place, he did. Anyways, what about you guys? Most embarrassing moment?”

“Well, when I changed back to Princess Luna from Nightmare Moon, that was pretty embarrassing for me,” Luna said, slightly blushing.

“One time, about two years ago, I walked into the stallion’s room at a baking competition,” Pinkie divulged. She giggled. “What is it with me and baking competitions?”

“Dunno,” Luna said, “but I do know that that’s gonna wrap it up for this time. I will not be here for a few weeks. Important diplomatic stuff.”

“Where at?” Rainbow asked.

“I’d tell you, but then I’d have to kill you.”

“I won’t be here for a weeks, either,” Pinkie said. “A ton of parties to plan and throw.”

“What am I supposed to do, then?” Rainbow asked.

“Find a guest star.”

She pondered this for a moment. “Good idea,” she said, a smirk curling her mouth. “I know just the pony. In fact, I think I’ll ask her to make some sort of uniform for Inbox, too. She’s good at that.”

Chapter Three: Rarity and a Prank Call

The blue pegasus drew a breath. “Hello, and welcome to Canterlot Inbox where we answer your mail. My name is Rainbow Dash, and with me are my friends Rarity and these pretzels!” She motioned to The Tray (let’s call it The Tray, shall we?). “Rarity, say hi.”

         The white unicorn next to her smiled. “Hello,” she said. “Rainbow, I brought those clothes you asked for. They fit rather well, if I do say so myself.” She pulled out a box next to her. It was about the size of one of Rainbow’s wings. Rarity removed the purple lid and took out what was inside. She removed a yellow apron from the box. “This is for you, Rainbow,” she said. Rainbow noticed she was slurring her words ever-so-slightly. “I made it just for you. Thought you needed something to call your own.” She pulled another from the box. It was green. “This is for me,” she explained, putting it on. She buckled the buckle (what else would she buckle?) behind her. “I also made two for Luna and Pinkie.”

         “Rarity, you okay?” Rainbow asked, mildly concerned.

         “I’m fine. I just had a shot before I came here.”

         “One shot?”

         Rarity nodded.

         “And you’re slurring your words.”

         Rarity nodded again.

         “Fucking lightweight.”

         “Screw you,” Rarity countered, giggling.

         “Wanna start the show?”

         “Sure. Ask a question.”

         “Okay.” Rainbow picked up The Paper (let’s call it The Paper, shall we?). “First question comes from TheWraithWriter, who asks: Dear Rainbow Dash, is performing a Sonic Rainboom comparable to an orgasm? Good question, Wraith. The answer is yes. It feels really good.”

         “Really?”

         “Yeah.”

         “So when you caught me that one time at the Best Young Flyers Competition?”

         “Yep.”

         “I thought that the moisture on my body was sweat,” Rarity started. Rainbow started laughing. “Boy, was I wrong about that,” Rarity finished.

         “Next question!” Rainbow said, getting over her laughter. “xXfireheartXx asks: what's your apocalypse survival plan? Here’s mine: cut to the end of the evolution of survival. You know the whole evolution of survival?”

Rarity nodded.

“It starts out, oh, things are shitty, we’re rationing food, now we’re being careful of other survivors, and now, oh, we had to eat the fuckin’ cat, wah, wah, wah. Pretty soon, you’re at the end of the line, right? I snap right to the end! The minute there’s a brownout, the minute a circuit breaker trips in my apartment, I resort to cannibalism!” Rarity started laughing. “You just cut right to the fucking end. How about you, Rarity?”

“I completely agree with yours.”

“I have that effect on people. Next question: can you prank call somepony right now? The answer to that question is yes! Rarity, who should we prank call?”

“Hmm...how about Lyra?”

“Lyra? Alright. We’ll call her landline, so she doesn’t get caller ID.” Rainbow Dash pulled her phone out from her saddlebag. She dialed Lyra’s number and put the phone on speaker. “She just got some fraudulent charges on her credit card recently, so we’ll play off of that.” The phone rang, but no one picked up. Instead, Lyra’s voicemail answered. “Hello, this is Lyra. I can’t come to the phone right now, so please leave a message, and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can. Thanks.” The tone rang.

“Go fuck yerself,” Rainbow said, imitating someone from Appleoosa as best as she could. “We need someone else to prank. How about...how about Vinyl?”

“Vinyl Scratch?”

“Yeah.” She dialed Vinyl’s number in her phone, once again putting it on speaker. Once again, the voicemail accepted the call. “Hey, it’s me, Vinyl. I, uh, can’t answer your call, so just...y’know, leave a message and I’ll get back to ya ASAP. Thanks.”

Once again, Rainbow said, “Go fuck yerself!” into the phone, now starting to giggle. “We need somebody else to prank.”

“Okay. How about...Twilight? Let’s do Twilight.

“Wanna do Twilight?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Third time’s the charm.” She dialed Twilight’s desk phone and placed it on speaker. It rang. This time, their quarry picked up. “Hello?” Twilight asked.

“Hi, this is Credit Check from Credit Services Protection. I was jus’ callin’ to check, we’ve had some...strange purchases on your primary credit card, just wanted to run it by you.”

“Um, okay.”

“Alright. First, did you recently rent...Prime Flanks...seems to be an adult entertainment VHS tape?” Rarity and Rainbow giggled at the latter’s handiwork. Fake name, fake tape, fake voice.

“No, I did not buy that,” Twilight responded. Rainbow could make out a faint giggle.

“Okay, so that’s…149 bits we can check off of your account.”

“Okay. What’s next on the list? I’m starting to get a little worried over here.”

“Have you ever purchased a dildo?”

Laughter from everyone.

“For your asshole?”

More laughter.

Twilight spoke again. “Are you sure you have the right pony?”

“Yeah, yeah, it’s definitely you!”

“Rainbow Dash!” Twilight said, cracking up.

“This has you written all over it!”

Rainbow hang up. Rarity released her built-up giggles, and they exploded into all-out laughter.

“That’s so fuckin’ dumb!” Rainbow said, holding her stomach.

“Words are failing me,” Rarity added.

“Okay. I think that’s all the time we have this week on Inbox. Rarity can’t be here next week, but I know who I can get on. She doesn’t usually like to talk, but maybe some alcohol can fix that.”

Chapter Four: Alcohol is Best Pony

“Hello, and welcome to Canterlot-fuckin-Inbox!” said Rainbow Dash.

“I liked the intro. Really fitting to the theme of the show, I think,” Fluttershy said. She took a sip from the glass in her hoof. She let out a sigh of relief. “Ahh. I love this stuff.”

“So, hi, guys. We, uh, have Fluttershy with us. And she’s a bit drunk, so...yeah. Fluttershy, what are you drinking?”

“I’m drinking fuckin’ Drake Daniels!”

“From, like, dragons?”

Fluttershy nodded.

“Huh. Anyways, Flutters, how about we start the show?”

“Yeah, sure.” She took another sip from her glass. “Fuck my life.”

Rainbow chuckled. “Okay.” She picked up the paper. “First question comes from Changeling-Drone, who asks: Hey Flutters, what cha do about carnivores. I think that translates into, ‘Dear Fluttershy, what do you do about carnivores?’ So, Flutters, what cha do about carnivores?”

“Well, when I was in college-”

“You went to college?”

“Yeah. Anyways, I majored in biology and chemistry. I felt bad for predators’ prey, so I made artificial meat.”

“Artificial meat?”

“Yeah. I’m glad I got my chemistry degree.” She took another sip of her Drake.

“I never knew that about you.”

“They say drunk people speak sober thoughts.”

“That’s pretty deep.”

“I’m too drunk to be deep. Next question!”

Rainbow laughed again. “Cool, cool. Next question comes from xXxheartfyrexXx, who asks: Dear Rainbow Dash, why are you fucking my mother, and could you please stop? Well, Heartfyre, I think you have me confused with everyone in Equestria. Next question! Fluttershy, would you like to do the honors?”

“Sure. CelliCelli asks: Dear Fluttershy, who’s your favorite superhero? Um...I’d have to say probably Bat-Mane, because he doesn’t kill people. And he’s all about justice.”

“Did you like Chris Nolmane’s movies?”

“Oh, yeah. Hoof Ledger was awesome as the Jokester.”

“A real shame he died.”

“Definitely.”

“Okay. Next question: purpleshotx asks: why do u guys suck so much dragun cok go burn n hel u stoopid fuks.” Rainbow put her head in her forearms. “Fluttershy, he’s insulting us, and he’s insulting our show.”

“I’m good to take the high road. I mean, you can do whatever, but…”

“I wanna take the high road with you, Shy, I really do. But I’m gonna stoop to your level, Purple. You’re a fucking piece of shit. Think before you type, bitch! I am going to find you, and then I’ll wrap my nonexistent cock around your damn neck! Fuck you! I’m gonna find your mom, and make her jealous of the things I do to your dad! Treat his ass like a vagina! Butter it up with some canola oil, and take a spiked dildo and ram it in there! He’ll be like, ‘Don’t look away, son’ and I’ll say, ‘Purple, if you take your eyes off of him, I will split him up his spine. I’ll filet him like a fish. Make the spikes come out of his mouth. Fuck you.”

“Are you...are you okay there, or…?”

“No, no, I’m good. I just...fuck! Where do these guys get off, telling us we suck? Really!”

“I know, I know.”

“Whew. I think that’s it for this episode of Inbox. In other news, I have a guest star lined up for next week, so I’ll have her on. If she finishes her chores at the farm, anyways.”

Chapter Six: Luna's Return

“Luna, you want to do the intro this time?”

“Sure. Hey, everypony. Welcome to Canterlot Inbox! We take your increasingly abrasive and strange mail and answer it so everyone can see.”

“That makes it seem worse than it is.”

“That’s the point. So, RD, what say we cut to the chase?”

“You don’t wanna take the time to celebrate your return?”

“Nope!”

“Uh...okay.”

“First question comes from Razalon, who says: ‘Questions for both RD and Nightma- I mean, Princess Luna: Rainbow - Every time you swear on this show I receive a bit; due to the fact that my home is inaccessible because of all the bits, could you please stop swearing? Luna - How does it feel to know there's millions of people who love you for who you are, but that they exist where you can't meet them personally or thank them for their love? P.S. - Assuming you ceased swearing, Rainbow, I happen to have some centerfolds of Thunderlane from Playfilly magazine just begging for you to take them.’ Well, first of all, Razzy, I’M NOT NIGHTMARE MOON! Secondly, it sucks. Dash, answer the question, if you please?”

“Uh, sure. Will I stop swearing? Fuck no! You know what? I’m not gonna fuckin’ stop fuckin’ swearing, because every fuckin’ time I fuckin’ swear, you get a fuckin’ bit! You should be happy! I’ve made you fucking rich! Try getting in your house now!”

“Yeah! Now you’ve got money! Go buy yourself a new, more spacious house!”

“And I don’t want your centerfolds! I already have them!”

“Really?”

“No. Thunderlane never posed for Playfilly. Raz, you liar.”

“Um...okay. Next question comes from moonview, who asks: ‘Dear luna, Is the moon made of cheese and if it is what type?’ No, Moon, sadly, it is not. If it were, it’d probably be Amareican."

"You've crushed my dreams!"

"Next question comes from StageQuill, who asks: ‘Dear Luna, What kinds of things did you do as a filly? What games did you play? Do you have any embarrassing Celestia stories you can share?’ Good question! When I was a kid, I would play with Tia a lot. We’d play Dressup, Pretend, and we’d go on adventures with Discord...it was awesome. Also, I do have some Tia stories, but I’m not allowed to talk about the Crumpet Incident or the Laundry Incident. Or the reasons why we’re banned from Stalliongrad and Appleoosa...yeah. Sorry.”

“Really?”

“Really. Let’s just say Tia and I party way too hard.”

“Sure, sure, sure. Well, that’s our three-question quota for this episode.”

“Let’s do one more.”

“Wanna do one more?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Let’s see...oh! Here’s one. Doctor_Brony1234 asks: 'Dear Inbox Team, Have any of you done any hardcore drugs? (P.S. LSD FTW’. First off, you should close your parentheses. Secondly, I have never done drugs. Luna? Your input?”

“Remember what I said about partying hard?”

“Yeah. Oh, I see.”

“Yep.”

“Well, I think that’ll do it for this episode of Canterlot Inbox. See you next week!”

Chapter Seven: Double the Fun

“Hello, and welcome to Canterlot Inbox. I am your host, Princess Luna, and with me is the illustrious Rainbow Dash. Say hello, Dash.”

“Hi.”

“So, you ready to just jump in?”

“Yes.”

“We’re going twice as many questions this time, correct?”

“Yes.”

“Is yes your favorite word?”

“Yes.”

“Let’s start! First question comes from Zachurra, who asks: ‘Dear Princess Luna, It's rumored that not only do you control the lovely moon, but the stars in the sky as well. Any truth to this?’ Good question. It’s a half-truth. I can’t directly control them. I can control when they come out, though, by making the sky darker, reducing contrast, by raising the moon. If I didn’t raise the moon, the sky couldn’t become darker, and I couldn’t make stars come out.”

“Interesting.”

“You sarcastic fuck, you.”

“It’s one of my better qualities.”

“Next question comes from Razalon, the motherfuckiest of all the motherfuckers you know, who asks: ‘Dear CI team, Dash - You're right; I should've been happy to get rich off your swearing. I mean, it's not like I'm an alien species stuck in Equestria, living in a hole in the ground, and has to steal food from Fluttershy to survive. (obvious sarcasm is obvious) Anyway, here's my question: of all the colors of your mane, which is your least favorite? Luna - Yes, Luna, I know you're not Nightmare Moon (obvious momentary memory loss is obvious). Which game is better, Super Stallion Bros or Mega Mare? Whole CI team - On what date do you predict the world will end?’ So, to answer your question, Razzy, Super Stallion Bros. is better, because it’s fun to play with friends.The world will end when the world ceases to exist.”

“Razzy, if you steal from Fluttershy, I will get a dunk tank, fill it with a mixture of salt and lemon juice, cover you in small cuts, tie cinderblocks to your ankles, push you in, and laugh while you drown, all while your cuts burn with the fire of a thousand suns. Also, my least favorite mane color is yellow. And the world will end the moment you find love, because we all know that’ll never happen!”

“Well, shit.”

“I’m defensive of my friends, man!”

“Next question comes from snowflower, who asks: ‘Dear CI, What would you do if Celestia wanted you to decide who she should fuck? Who would you choose? From 123Moviestar’. Well, we got a question from someone with multiple personalities. That’s a first. To answer your question, I would choose Cadence, because she’s the princess of love, at that means that she’s the best at sex, right?”

“That...makes sense. I really can’t argue with that.”

“Next question comes from Shadow Night, who asks: ‘Dear Canterlot Inbox team

If you were locked in a room with absolutely no way of escape with one pony to spend the rest of your life with, who would it be and why?’ I would pick Cadence for the same reasons as why Celestia should fuck her.”

“I agree.”

“Cadence is pretty popular, huh?”

“She’s super-cool!”

“She is pretty chill. Next question comes from Alicorn of Chaos, who asks: ‘Dear Rainbow Dash and Guest Star(s). Did you know Twilight is actually Nightmare Moon and Discords daughter?’ Dear Alicorn of Chaos, did you know you’re a fucking idiot? That would make Twilight thousands of years old, you anachronistic fuck. Next question!”

“Well, then…”

“Next question comes from Stage Quill, who asks: ‘Dear Inbox Team, What is your most embarrassing memory from school?’ For me, it would be the time when I summoned a large lobster that terrorized school. That was kinda embarrassing.”

“For me, it would be the time when I broke my wing doing an amazing stunt in front of everyone.”

“I see. Well, that wraps us up this episode of Canterlot Inbox. See you next week!”

Chapter Eight: The Perfect Date

“Hello, and welcome to another episode of Canterlot Inbox! I am your host, Rainbow Dash, and with me is the wonderful Rarity, who may or may not be drunk again!”

“Hello.”

“Rares, are you wasted?”

“Not as much as last time.”

“Are you sure?”

“Uh...yes?”

“Well, it doesn’t matter. The drunker the better, I always say.”

“Remind me never to take advice from you when it comes to alcohol.”

“Will do. Anyways, our first question comes from JoBrony, who asks: ‘Dear Rainbow Dash and Rarity, Rainbow, there have been rumors going around that since  you confirmed that rainbows are spicy, is your mane spicy? Rarity, are you a marshmallow?’ I...don’t know if my mane is spicy. Let me see...no it’s not. It just tastes like hair. So, Rarity, are you a marshmallow?”

“I don’t think so…”

“Good enough for me! Next question comes from Aqua Shimmer, who asks: ‘Dear Rainbow, would your rather have sex with Soarin or Spitfire? (P.S. There is no boths for this question.)’ I’d rather fuck Spitfire, because if I wanted cock, then Spitfire could get, like, a strap-on. I’d get the best of both worlds.”

“Very wise.”

“Next question comes from Joel11, who asks: Dear ‘Rairity what are your feelings toward Spike P.S He likes you’. So, Rarity what are your feelings towards Spike? Just so you know, he likes you.”

“Spike is a close friend of mine. What he feels is a crush. I can tell, because he can’t find anything wrong with me. We’ve talked about it.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah. It went over pretty well with him, I think. Better than the other times I let boys down. In the past, there’s been...there’s been screaming, crying, a little bit of fetal position, too, I think...I’m a fucking monster.”

“That’s, uh...great? Next question comes from Razalon, who asks: ‘Dear CI team, Rainbow Dash - Oh no, I'm so scared. There's no way I could withstand all that torture you described last week. I mean, it's not like I have the power of psychokinesis at my command and can retune my body to adapt to literally anything it's subjected to. *munches on Fluttershy's spinach casserole dinner* And how am I supposed to find love when, like I said, I'm stranded here on this planet and there's not another one of my species with me? Rarity - Seeing how you're the more civilized pony there tonight, I'll grace you with a real question. Or rather, three questions. 1. What is your birthstone? 2. If you could swap bodies with any of your closest friends, who would it be and why? 3. Which of these faces are you most proud to have made?’ Well, Raz, I think it’s time we break out the straightjackets with ya, buddy. But, you asked a question, so I’m gonna answer it. This is how you take a girl out on the perfect date, no matter your race. Trust me, I speak from experience.”

“Oh, boy. If only I had popcorn.”

“So! The first part of any great date is what you wear. Everyone likes business casual. Sweaters, polos, and jeans are a great way to go. For me, it’s a blue argyle sweater, light blue polo, some black jeans, and maybe some hipster frames in there for good measure. And yes, I buy clothes for girls. They make sweaters for girls.”

“Everyone loves hipster frames.”

“Everyone! Next thing is the dinner. You wanna go somewhere classy, somewhere nice. Try your local Olive Garden. Now,  you need to make an entrance. This might be the most important part. See, you need theme music. For me, it’s Sabaton’s Ghost Division. As soon as I enter the restaurant, that’s what starts playing for me. Now, after dinner, you go see a movie. You’re gonna go see the first Predator movie, because that’s the greatest movie of all time, and if your date doesn’t like it, then your date should no longer be your date. You got me? Now, this is the other most important part. If you’ve done everything right so far, you should now be to the end zone. You’re gonna fuck, got it? Now, what you’re gonna do is you’re going to trace small little lines over your partner’s body, all the way down to their vagina. Or their dick, I dunno, whatever works for you. This’ll get your partner really primed, you know? Now, you’re gonna play the ‘just the tip’ game, and tease them a bit. Then...you start fucking.”

‘Well, then.”

“Yep! Your turn.”

“Alright then. My birthstone is turquoise, I’d like to swap with Pinkie so I could learn how in the hell she does what she does, and my favorite face is the third one. It gets the best nervous reactions.”

“Alrighty then! Next question comes from Duke of Canterlot, who asks: ‘RD and Rarity, if you had to be one of the other ponies in the Mane Six for a day, which pony would you pick and why?’ I feel like a schizophrenic billionaire alien asked this before somewhere. Anyways, I’d want to be Twilight. I’d use that magic and those wings to do whatever I wanted!”

“I don’t know if I should be supportive or worried. And I already answered this one, like, twenty seconds ago.”

“That’s it for this episode of Canterlot Inbox! See you next week!”

Chapter Five: Media Exposure

“WELCOMETOCANTERLOTINBOXTHESHOWWHEREWEANSWERYOURQUESTIONS!” Rainbow shouted.

“You, uh, you okay there, sugarcube?” Applejack asked.

“I’m fine. Just wanted to say it in one word.”

“Okay…”

“Cool. Cool. Anyways, Canterlot Inbox! Welcome.”

“Welcome!”

“Let’s jump right in. No protection or lube.”

“Ouch.”

“We step on the gas here at CI, AJ! First question comes from Zachurra, who asks: ‘Dear Inbox Team, what are your thoughts on all the shipping fics about you guys?’”

“Oh, Celestia. Not the shipfics!”

“Yes, the shipfics! Don’t you love Equestrian media exposure, AJ?”

“NO!”

“I know I do!”

“Really?”

“FUCK NO! Anywho, I think that shipfics are okay. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about taking any of you girls out for a night.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“Well, I think that they’re kinda creepy. Like, some of ‘em are okay, but the ones that get really, like, nonconsensual and rapey freak me out.”

“Remember Mistress-Do-Well, AJ?”

“Oh, Celestia, I thought we weren’t gonna talk about that one!”

“It seems like a good one to bring up.”

“No!”

“You brought up nonconsensual.”

“That one...that one made me lose sleep.”

“It made us all lose sleep.”

“Do you remember the one that Miles guy wrote after, though? ‘Fractured Elements’?”

“I do.”

“I liked that ending better.”

“So did I.”

“I think everyone did.”

“How did we get so off-topic?”

“I have no idea. Let’s get back on!”

“Next question! Lemondrop555 asks: ‘Rainbow Dash, what if derpy fell and kissed you on accident?’ Good question, Lemon! You know what I’d do?”

“Oh, no. Don't say what I think you're gonna say.”

“I’d get up, laugh, and say all was forgiven! That’s what I’d do!”

“Whew. I thought that was gonna get a little...y’know, nonconsensual there.”

“We’re always consensual here at CI! Next question! Joel11 asks: ‘Dear Applejack what if Applebloom's wasn't apple related’. I’m gonna assume he means ‘special talent’.”

“Special talent? We’d support her. I say, she’s got an eye for design, that one.”

“Yeah. You know what Joel here needs?”

“What?”

“AN EYE FOR SPEAKING HIS FUCKING LANGUAGE!”

“Wow.”

“I kid, Joel! I kid. Anyways, that does it for this week on Canterlot Inbox! See ya next week!”