Equestrian Lulz.

The sun was shining particularly bright on Canterlot that day, even birds swarming around the palace to view the grand event in the courtyard. Ponies from everywhere gathered around to see this glorious event.

“Princess Celestia!?” one of the spectators shouted. The princess in question turned to face the stallion and nodded in approval.

“What do you plan to do about the growing hostilities between Equestria and the Changelings? “

The princess put a hoof to her chin and pondered for a moment, calculating what would be the best way to answer.

“Right now the plan is to have defenses mounted at the Changeling/Equestrian border.” she proclaims. “But, if any Changeling forces break through and successfully assault and/or take another piece of Equestrian land, we shall declare war with Queen Chrysalis’ hive empire. I would also like to state that during such an event, any neutral Changeling hives will be allowed to fight by Equestria’s side, but shall be heavily monitored when doing so to weed out any possible agents of espionage.”

The crowd erupted with chatter again, a sea of voices flooding the air until one pronounced itself over the others.

“Princess Luna!?” said a young mares voice. Luna, same as her sister, looked over to the source and nodded.

“Forgive me for asking but, are all the rumors of you having a ‘special somepony’ true?”

Luna looked over at Celestia with her eyebrow raised, her sister raising her eyebrow in a silent rebuttal, nodding in the direction of the mare as well. Luna, rolling her eyes, turns her attention back to the young female.

“To put these rumors to rest… yes, I am in a relationship.”

The arena erupted with questions, wondering who the lucky pony was, what they were like, and they were from.

“Settle down everypony, settle down.” she continued. “My ‘somepony’ is very special to me, so I shall only reveal two things about them; one a fact, the other a hint.”

The audience goes silent, rapt with wonder and excitement.

“First off, she is a mare.”

Everyone erupts with questions, mainly about Luna’s lover and sexuality, until a wave of her mighty hoof silences all of them.

“Second off, this mare brings me no end of joy, and does so with others as well. And all who do not associate with her, in my opinion, are that much more miserable for it.”

Everypony began to whisper among each other in speculation, but amidst the chaos, Luna looks to the back of the crowd, locking eyes with and smiling at a completely pink mare with a fluffy mane, smiling back at her.

“Princess Cadence?” another young mare asks. “What is the Crystal Empire bringing to the table in terms of military assistance?”

The pink princess stands up and waves a Crystal guard over. “I was hoping someone would ask.”

The guard pony walks over and pulls out what appears to be a large rifle made completely out of the finest crystal, resembling a large yet intricate and hoof crafted stalactite with multiple ceremonial markings covering it. The crowd before them gathers around, taking pictures and notes.

“This,” she began “is the XA-2 Shard Fire. It is made from luminescent energy crystals and volcanic crystals for the dragon lands, each crafted and enchanted to produce power based off of their original element, condensing a shard of crystal inside itself, the size and length of it determined by the size and durability of the opponent.”

The princess picks up a random vase from the table and launches it in the air, the soldier snapping to attention, blowing the vase to bits. As the audience marvels at the sight, a single tall figure breaks his silence.

“I have a question for the newest immortal!”

Everypony looks to the figure and gasp with fear, realizing he is a dragon, standing at least five feet above the largest guard ponies. All eye’s then turned from him, and to the newest addition to the crown; Twilight.

“Y-Yes?” she stutters.

“The Draconian Empire has… concerns about the Elements of Harmony and the fact that a weapon like it is being kept solely in Equestria.”

“Weapon?” she asks.

“Yes!” the dragon hisses. “Despite what your mentor has told you, the Element’s carry enough power to classify as a weapon!”

The dragon finishes his lecture, looking directly into Twilight’s eyes in an attempt to intimidate her, and in a sense succeeding. Luna tries to get up to defend her, but is stopped by her sister, her eyes conveying a silent message. ‘She must do this on her own.

“What do you propose?”

The dragon snarls before responding. “We propose the Elements be split among the three major kingdoms; two will stay in Equestria, two for Draconious, and two for Grifos. This way we can ensure they can never be used against us.”

Twilight put a hoof to her chin, rubbing it slowly in thought, until coming to a decision. “As long as we are able to develop some sort of early warning system for military grade threats so we can send for the jewels, then yes.”

“I wasn’t just speaking of the jewels, princess.” the dragon chuckles.

Twilight takes a moment to process this information asking “Are you suggesting-?”

“We want the bearers.”

Everypony goes silent; the audience, the princesses, even the dragon himself is quiet as he anticipates her response. She looks at him for a moment in silence, a look of complete distain overtaking her face, before stating loudly “Absolutely not!”

She and the other princesses smile as the dragon lets out an angry snarl. “What do you mean ‘absolutely not’?” he demands.

“We are aware that not all dragons are fond of ponies, the same going for griffons. So why would I put my best friends in a kingdom with them? Not to mention the fact that you are asking me to take six innocent ponies, my friends no less, and displace them into other kingdoms they’re completely unfamiliar with!? That’s absolutely absurd!”

“No!” the dragon shouts. “What is absurd is the fact that you are too weak and sentimental to make the right choice!”

Twilight crooks her brow at him. “What did you say?” she hisses, the malice clear in her voice.

“I should have expected this, an Element made into a ruler! All you know is friendship and kindness! You don’t know strength! You don’t know ferocity! You don’t HURK!”

Before he could finish his sentence, a glowing, purple aura enveloped his throat, choking him. His body was flung against the wall, more auras holding his wings, arms, legs, and tail. “Unhand me you vile bi-MMPH!” his scream is muffled by magic induced muzzle, Twilight teleporting in front of him a trotting up to his bound form.

“We have defeated Nightmare Moon, turned a chaos god good, fought a changeling army in hand to hand, and cleansed the world of the darkness formerly known as Sombra! But you sit here in front of me, and have the audacity to call my friends weak!”

The dragon’s eyes show surprise and fear, as did everyone else’s, while the other royals merely smile.

“Now you tell you’re kingdom that unlike them, I know my history, and I know for a fact that there are several other dragon and griffon kingdoms outside of the main ones that are allies with Equestria! That I know that they would gladly help us defeat yours in a heartbeat! That I know that with our combined forces we’d crush your kingdom like an ant!”

The dragon nods rapidly as he is released, bowing his head. “Forgive me!” the dragon blurts. “My kingdom was under the impression that the newest royal was weak and feeble, and for that we apologize. You shall keep the Elements!”

“Your apology is accepted.” Twilight says, much calmer than earlier. She then pulls out a piece of paper and begins to write, handing it to the dragon when she finishes. Hw bows his head, his hate gone and replaced with respect and admiration.

“Alright, I think that’s enough excitement for one day.” Celestia declares. “I think it’s time we take our leave. Guards! Escort us to the chariot please.” As the princesses walk down from their podiums, the media floods around them, asking whatever questions they possibly can before they depart. One pony in particular thinks to himself ‘Man, there they go, our valiant, courageous rulers. I wonder what they’re like on a personal level?’

They are silent until they are out of earshot of the courtyard, only then does Celestia turn to her sister and asks “Do you have it?”

“Yes.” her sister replies.

“Where is it?”

“In the CD player already.”

“What track is it on?”

“Eight.” Luna says with a devilish grin on her face, only matched by the other princesses own.

“Then why, dear sister, isn’t it on?” Celestia asks.

Instead of responding, Luna flips the player on, the music starting at a low techno synth building up to an inevitable, heavy drop.

As soon as the song starts, the princess’s heads begin to thrash about, the rest of their bodies following suit while their mouths follow the lyrics. Celestia had gotten up and was now shaking her rump to and fro, shaking up and down every now and then to make her cheeks jiggle. Twilight stood behind her and waved one hoof in the air while the other one rested on her mentors right vanilla spank pillow, helping her to grind her hips into the massive plot cheeks suggestively. Luna and Cadence were singing along while staring at each other, making different hoof gestures that matched the beat of the song. Soon they had all returned to their seats, doing their own head movements and dances, although Celestia’s massive suns still wiggled in her seat. The final lyrics of this verse arrived, and they all sang them in unison, finishing the verse with a laugh.

“Sweet Faust, that is my shit!” Celestia shouts, still nodding her head slightly to the beat. “Exactly what I need after that! I mean ‘What’re your plans for the changelings?’ how about EXACTLY WHAT THE FUCK YOU THINK I’M GONNA DO! I’m gonna place my military shit outside my other shit and when they come across the borders of my shit I’m gonna go to their kingdom and fuck their shit! SHIT!” Her head rolls over to her sister, her lips pouted and her eyes pitiful. “At least you got a normal question.”

“Please, I’m just glad that shit’s over. ‘Hey Luna, who’s the lucky stallion? Hey Luna, you seeing anyone? Hey Luna, how’s your love life?’ how about you get of the royal vag for ten seconds and stop worrying about who’s getting’ this moon pie?” She smacks her wing against her plot for emphasis.

“How are you and Pinkie, by the by?” Twilight asks.

“Me and my Pinks? Well she’s a delight to be around, always able to think of fun things to do, and not just parties. She picked out like thirteen fancy restaurants for us when I asked about a dinner date. But our sex life? Well, ever since I brought up the futa spell….”

Luna stands up in the carriage and begins to imitate several sexual positions, punctuating every thrust with an ‘mmph!’, such as oral, missionary, cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, pony-style, and she even licked her hoof to lube up the imaginary boner, mouthing ‘anal’ to the others, before continuing her thrusts, eventually throwing her head back in mock orgasm and falling back into her seat.

“Imagine that, way longer, multiple times.” Luna says with a grin.

“Damn!” Twilight gasps. “I didn’t know Pinkie got down like that.”

“Yeah, shorty is a freak.”

They all started laughing hysterically, until a letter materializes in front of her, almost like Spike had sent it, but as Twilight and her fellow alicorns, the real writer of the note became obvious.

“Twiiiiiliiiight?” Celestia asked in a sing song voice. “Did you give that dragon you’re flame mail frequency?”

“Sure did!” she responds. “He says he’s sorry about today but his king wanted to test me (I passed) and that he’d like to make it up to me tonight! Ooooh, momma Twilight’s gettin’ some dragon meat tonight!” she yells. Two of the other princesses huddled around Twilight, long squeaks of delight coming from them, will cadence closes her spellphone and says “Tell him to come to my place.”

They all look over at Cadence as she explains. “I’ll send for your computers so we can set up a LAN party. I’ve already got condoms, sex toys, sweets, and all the finger foods and alcohol you could want. I got some sweet ass movies, games, anime, and manga/comics on standby. Plus, as the cherry on MOTHAFUCKIN’ top, I got some of Equestria’s best weed, saltine straight from Bolivia, and smoke-able, snort-able crystalline crystals straight from my empires newly refurbished mines! What do you guys think?”

The other three princesses thought about this, never dreaming there could ever be a place that sounded so fun.

“Actually,” Celestia says “we were gonna go do some things at our palace and we already had plans and stuff.”

“Are you serious?” Cadence asks.

“Fuck no I’m not serious! To your house! AWAY!” she yells, all the mares cheering around her. Just then, Luna flips the now silent CD player to track eleven, the princesses heads bobbing instinctively as it begins to play. They wait for the long buildup to the lyrics, bobbing their heads up and down and side to side, going stock still when the lyrics hit, singing with them motionlessly until they finish, at which point they resume their head banging.

At the front of the chariot, four guards, two of the Crystal Empire, two of Equestria, with faces of complete irritation, one of them sighing and sighing before stating what everypony was thinking.

“At least they rule well, pay well, and put out.”