Equestrian Lulz.

by Panicked Creativity

Rating: mature
Tags: Princess Celestia, Sex, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Other, Romance, Princess Luna, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Random
Length: 6892

A collection of mostly unrelated short stories of the comedic nature containing sex, drugs, and some of that good old ultra violence.

Come one, come all, into the magical world of Equestrian Lulz! A series of good old fashioned parodies in the form of mostly unrelated short stories. So come on in, and share in the lulz.

This is my first attempt at comedy, so be nice. Also, this is basically something to pass the time while i write chapters of my other story, MareDoWell.

Published 2013-10-04 20:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-10-19 07:17:37 UTC

Royal Buisness.

The sun was shining particularly bright on Canterlot that day, even birds swarming around the palace to view the grand event in the courtyard. Ponies from everywhere gathered around to see this glorious event.

“Princess Celestia!?” one of the spectators shouted. The princess in question turned to face the stallion and nodded in approval.

“What do you plan to do about the growing hostilities between Equestria and the Changelings? “

The princess put a hoof to her chin and pondered for a moment, calculating what would be the best way to answer.

“Right now the plan is to have defenses mounted at the Changeling/Equestrian border.” she proclaims. “But, if any Changeling forces break through and successfully assault and/or take another piece of Equestrian land, we shall declare war with Queen Chrysalis’ hive empire. I would also like to state that during such an event, any neutral Changeling hives will be allowed to fight by Equestria’s side, but shall be heavily monitored when doing so to weed out any possible agents of espionage.”

The crowd erupted with chatter again, a sea of voices flooding the air until one pronounced itself over the others.

“Princess Luna!?” said a young mares voice. Luna, same as her sister, looked over to the source and nodded.

“Forgive me for asking but, are all the rumors of you having a ‘special somepony’ true?”

Luna looked over at Celestia with her eyebrow raised, her sister raising her eyebrow in a silent rebuttal, nodding in the direction of the mare as well. Luna, rolling her eyes, turns her attention back to the young female.

“To put these rumors to rest… yes, I am in a relationship.”

The arena erupted with questions, wondering who the lucky pony was, what they were like, and they were from.

“Settle down everypony, settle down.” she continued. “My ‘somepony’ is very special to me, so I shall only reveal two things about them; one a fact, the other a hint.”

The audience goes silent, rapt with wonder and excitement.

“First off, she is a mare.”

Everyone erupts with questions, mainly about Luna’s lover and sexuality, until a wave of her mighty hoof silences all of them.

“Second off, this mare brings me no end of joy, and does so with others as well. And all who do not associate with her, in my opinion, are that much more miserable for it.”

Everypony began to whisper among each other in speculation, but amidst the chaos, Luna looks to the back of the crowd, locking eyes with and smiling at a completely pink mare with a fluffy mane, smiling back at her.

“Princess Cadence?” another young mare asks. “What is the Crystal Empire bringing to the table in terms of military assistance?”

The pink princess stands up and waves a Crystal guard over. “I was hoping someone would ask.”

The guard pony walks over and pulls out what appears to be a large rifle made completely out of the finest crystal, resembling a large yet intricate and hoof crafted stalactite with multiple ceremonial markings covering it. The crowd before them gathers around, taking pictures and notes.

“This,” she began “is the XA-2 Shard Fire. It is made from luminescent energy crystals and volcanic crystals for the dragon lands, each crafted and enchanted to produce power based off of their original element, condensing a shard of crystal inside itself, the size and length of it determined by the size and durability of the opponent.”

The princess picks up a random vase from the table and launches it in the air, the soldier snapping to attention, blowing the vase to bits. As the audience marvels at the sight, a single tall figure breaks his silence.

“I have a question for the newest immortal!”

Everypony looks to the figure and gasp with fear, realizing he is a dragon, standing at least five feet above the largest guard ponies. All eye’s then turned from him, and to the newest addition to the crown; Twilight.

“Y-Yes?” she stutters.

“The Draconian Empire has… concerns about the Elements of Harmony and the fact that a weapon like it is being kept solely in Equestria.”

“Weapon?” she asks.

“Yes!” the dragon hisses. “Despite what your mentor has told you, the Element’s carry enough power to classify as a weapon!”

The dragon finishes his lecture, looking directly into Twilight’s eyes in an attempt to intimidate her, and in a sense succeeding. Luna tries to get up to defend her, but is stopped by her sister, her eyes conveying a silent message. ‘She must do this on her own.

“What do you propose?”

The dragon snarls before responding. “We propose the Elements be split among the three major kingdoms; two will stay in Equestria, two for Draconious, and two for Grifos. This way we can ensure they can never be used against us.”

Twilight put a hoof to her chin, rubbing it slowly in thought, until coming to a decision. “As long as we are able to develop some sort of early warning system for military grade threats so we can send for the jewels, then yes.”

“I wasn’t just speaking of the jewels, princess.” the dragon chuckles.

Twilight takes a moment to process this information asking “Are you suggesting-?”

“We want the bearers.”

Everypony goes silent; the audience, the princesses, even the dragon himself is quiet as he anticipates her response. She looks at him for a moment in silence, a look of complete distain overtaking her face, before stating loudly “Absolutely not!”

She and the other princesses smile as the dragon lets out an angry snarl. “What do you mean ‘absolutely not’?” he demands.

“We are aware that not all dragons are fond of ponies, the same going for griffons. So why would I put my best friends in a kingdom with them? Not to mention the fact that you are asking me to take six innocent ponies, my friends no less, and displace them into other kingdoms they’re completely unfamiliar with!? That’s absolutely absurd!”

“No!” the dragon shouts. “What is absurd is the fact that you are too weak and sentimental to make the right choice!”

Twilight crooks her brow at him. “What did you say?” she hisses, the malice clear in her voice.

“I should have expected this, an Element made into a ruler! All you know is friendship and kindness! You don’t know strength! You don’t know ferocity! You don’t HURK!”

Before he could finish his sentence, a glowing, purple aura enveloped his throat, choking him. His body was flung against the wall, more auras holding his wings, arms, legs, and tail. “Unhand me you vile bi-MMPH!” his scream is muffled by magic induced muzzle, Twilight teleporting in front of him a trotting up to his bound form.

“We have defeated Nightmare Moon, turned a chaos god good, fought a changeling army in hand to hand, and cleansed the world of the darkness formerly known as Sombra! But you sit here in front of me, and have the audacity to call my friends weak!”

The dragon’s eyes show surprise and fear, as did everyone else’s, while the other royals merely smile.

“Now you tell you’re kingdom that unlike them, I know my history, and I know for a fact that there are several other dragon and griffon kingdoms outside of the main ones that are allies with Equestria! That I know that they would gladly help us defeat yours in a heartbeat! That I know that with our combined forces we’d crush your kingdom like an ant!”

The dragon nods rapidly as he is released, bowing his head. “Forgive me!” the dragon blurts. “My kingdom was under the impression that the newest royal was weak and feeble, and for that we apologize. You shall keep the Elements!”

“Your apology is accepted.” Twilight says, much calmer than earlier. She then pulls out a piece of paper and begins to write, handing it to the dragon when she finishes. Hw bows his head, his hate gone and replaced with respect and admiration.

“Alright, I think that’s enough excitement for one day.” Celestia declares. “I think it’s time we take our leave. Guards! Escort us to the chariot please.” As the princesses walk down from their podiums, the media floods around them, asking whatever questions they possibly can before they depart. One pony in particular thinks to himself ‘Man, there they go, our valiant, courageous rulers. I wonder what they’re like on a personal level?’

They are silent until they are out of earshot of the courtyard, only then does Celestia turn to her sister and asks “Do you have it?”

“Yes.” her sister replies.

“Where is it?”

“In the CD player already.”

“What track is it on?”

“Eight.” Luna says with a devilish grin on her face, only matched by the other princesses own.

“Then why, dear sister, isn’t it on?” Celestia asks.

Instead of responding, Luna flips the player on, the music starting at a low techno synth building up to an inevitable, heavy drop.

As soon as the song starts, the princess’s heads begin to thrash about, the rest of their bodies following suit while their mouths follow the lyrics. Celestia had gotten up and was now shaking her rump to and fro, shaking up and down every now and then to make her cheeks jiggle. Twilight stood behind her and waved one hoof in the air while the other one rested on her mentors right vanilla spank pillow, helping her to grind her hips into the massive plot cheeks suggestively. Luna and Cadence were singing along while staring at each other, making different hoof gestures that matched the beat of the song. Soon they had all returned to their seats, doing their own head movements and dances, although Celestia’s massive suns still wiggled in her seat. The final lyrics of this verse arrived, and they all sang them in unison, finishing the verse with a laugh.

“Sweet Faust, that is my shit!” Celestia shouts, still nodding her head slightly to the beat. “Exactly what I need after that! I mean ‘What’re your plans for the changelings?’ how about EXACTLY WHAT THE FUCK YOU THINK I’M GONNA DO! I’m gonna place my military shit outside my other shit and when they come across the borders of my shit I’m gonna go to their kingdom and fuck their shit! SHIT!” Her head rolls over to her sister, her lips pouted and her eyes pitiful. “At least you got a normal question.”

“Please, I’m just glad that shit’s over. ‘Hey Luna, who’s the lucky stallion? Hey Luna, you seeing anyone? Hey Luna, how’s your love life?’ how about you get of the royal vag for ten seconds and stop worrying about who’s getting’ this moon pie?” She smacks her wing against her plot for emphasis.

“How are you and Pinkie, by the by?” Twilight asks.

“Me and my Pinks? Well she’s a delight to be around, always able to think of fun things to do, and not just parties. She picked out like thirteen fancy restaurants for us when I asked about a dinner date. But our sex life? Well, ever since I brought up the futa spell….”

Luna stands up in the carriage and begins to imitate several sexual positions, punctuating every thrust with an ‘mmph!’, such as oral, missionary, cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, pony-style, and she even licked her hoof to lube up the imaginary boner, mouthing ‘anal’ to the others, before continuing her thrusts, eventually throwing her head back in mock orgasm and falling back into her seat.

“Imagine that, way longer, multiple times.” Luna says with a grin.

“Damn!” Twilight gasps. “I didn’t know Pinkie got down like that.”

“Yeah, shorty is a freak.”

They all started laughing hysterically, until a letter materializes in front of her, almost like Spike had sent it, but as Twilight and her fellow alicorns, the real writer of the note became obvious.

“Twiiiiiliiiight?” Celestia asked in a sing song voice. “Did you give that dragon you’re flame mail frequency?”

“Sure did!” she responds. “He says he’s sorry about today but his king wanted to test me (I passed) and that he’d like to make it up to me tonight! Ooooh, momma Twilight’s gettin’ some dragon meat tonight!” she yells. Two of the other princesses huddled around Twilight, long squeaks of delight coming from them, will cadence closes her spellphone and says “Tell him to come to my place.”

They all look over at Cadence as she explains. “I’ll send for your computers so we can set up a LAN party. I’ve already got condoms, sex toys, sweets, and all the finger foods and alcohol you could want. I got some sweet ass movies, games, anime, and manga/comics on standby. Plus, as the cherry on MOTHAFUCKIN’ top, I got some of Equestria’s best weed, saltine straight from Bolivia, and smoke-able, snort-able crystalline crystals straight from my empires newly refurbished mines! What do you guys think?”

The other three princesses thought about this, never dreaming there could ever be a place that sounded so fun.

“Actually,” Celestia says “we were gonna go do some things at our palace and we already had plans and stuff.”

“Are you serious?” Cadence asks.

“Fuck no I’m not serious! To your house! AWAY!” she yells, all the mares cheering around her. Just then, Luna flips the now silent CD player to track eleven, the princesses heads bobbing instinctively as it begins to play. They wait for the long buildup to the lyrics, bobbing their heads up and down and side to side, going stock still when the lyrics hit, singing with them motionlessly until they finish, at which point they resume their head banging.

At the front of the chariot, four guards, two of the Crystal Empire, two of Equestria, with faces of complete irritation, one of them sighing and sighing before stating what everypony was thinking.

“At least they rule well, pay well, and put out.”

Nightmare Heat

It was a peaceful day at Canterlot palace, nothing two out of the ordinary going on. Steel Swipe and his two friends, Blood Runner and Brute Shield patrol a hall, talking with one another as they do.

“What do you mean ‘Rarity over Fleur de Lis’?” Blood asks Steel.

“Look dude, we already know what Fleur can do, I mean shit half the time that’s all Fancy talks about; ‘I taught her a new position’ this, ‘She’s learnt to hold her breath longer’ that, or ‘I finally got her to try anal.’. He brags so much it’s like we’ve all damn near fucked her!”

“She let him in the backdoor?” Brute asks.

“Yeah dude, about a week ago.” Blood cuts in. “He used the old ‘I’ll buy you a shit-ton of (insert favorite food or item here) if you gimme the buttsex’ trick.”

“HA! Classic!” Brute chuckles.

“As I was saying,” Steel interrupts “we’re already aware of Fleur’s capabilities, but we don’t know anything about Rarity! I mean for all we know she could have a sex dungeon in the basement of her boutique where she brings all the mares and stallions to play, or maybe she gives the best head in Equestria! That’s why, to me, she beats Fleur; because she herself is an absolute wildcard.”

“But that’s the point!” Blood responds “You don’t know whether or not Rarity puts out like Fleur does. For all you know she could see your dick and be like ‘Oooh, that’s what it looks like!” where as with Fleur, you’ll almost always get ‘Oooooh, that’s a nice juicy one!’ See what I’m saying?” he closes.

“Well yeah but-.”

“Ooooooooooh!” echoes a loud, almost sensual mode.

None of them thought they had heard it, a sound reminiscent of an ominous howl mixed with a mare locked in coitus. No, it couldn’t have…

“OOOOOOOOOOOOH!”

Nope, it’s real. But where’s it coming from, the group wonders. They split into groups, their ears swiveling around in search for the source, until Blood calls over to them, pointing his hoof in a very unfortunate direction.

The hallway leading to the room of her recently crowned highness, Twilight Sparkle.

Each stallion breathes in a large gulp of air, walking down the hall, to the door. The stallions, still hearing the banshee-like wails coming from the room, open the door, fear overtaking them as they lay eyes on what lays on the queen sized bed.

Lying there, smoke still rising from it due to an obvious transformation, is a now Celestia sized Twilight, her coat slightly faded, wings a blackish purple, and eyes glowing bright violet with slits instead of normal pupils. The gourds fear only rose when they realized that they had been trained for this exact thing, just in case it ever happened again.

They had been trained for the return of the Nightmare.

Just then, twilight looks up at them. Her face is contorted into a wicked grin and her tongue slips out every now and then to lick her lips. The guards stammer back, the display sending shivers up their spines.

“Where’s Celestia!?” the demon asks, a maniacal and crazed, yet blissful laugh following her question.

“That’s no business of yours, Nightmare!” Steel shouts

“Nightmare!? BUHAHAHAH!” she chortles, though the stallions didn’t really see what was so funny about her own name. Before they had time to think about it however, Twilight teleports directly two feet in front of them, whispering maliciously “Aren’t you all in for a big surprise!”

With that last sentence, pure energy burst through the door, taking Twilight with it as she exploded past the guards, each one closing their eyes, waiting for the inevitable void of death.

But it never came.

Each guard felt across his body, and felt only bruises and battery, but no wounds of the sort. The worst they got was that blood thought his ankle was sprained, but nothing else. They were fine.

This was… wrong. Very wrong! The very fact that they were still alive was defiance to the Nightmare’s nature. It usually never let its victims live. Hell, the only reason the guards at the Summer Sun Celebration survived was because Nightmare Moon was still too weak to deliver a killing blow!

But if all that was true, then why were they still alive and kicking? There injuries, while more severe than others, were not life threatening in the slightest, and in a way… that just made things worse.

Because if it wasn’t the Nightmare, then what the hell was it.

“This tea is absolutely wonderful Luna. Where’d you say it was from?” Celestia asked her sister. The royals of Equestria and the Crystal Empire had decided to have a personal meet where they could talk in private about recent events in each other’s lives.

“Ember leaf, Tia.” Luna replies. “Grown in obsidian fields of volcanic farms in Draconious.”

“Well wherever it’s from, it’s fantastic!” Shinning ads. They continue on like this for a few minutes, laughing and sharing stories, until a large group of guards, almost enough to be a platoon, come rushing towards their table.

“Oh thank goodness we found you your highnesses! I’m sorry to interrupt but we must go! Something has happened to Princess Sparkle!” the guard explains, nearly out of breath.

“Twilight!” Celestia yells, more than a little worried. “What happened? Is she hurt!?”

The guards exchange awkward glances, each wondering how to deliver the bad news, until one blurts out “We… we think she has been taken by the Nightmare!”

Luna’s cup smashes into ground as Shinning spits out the contents of his, all while Cadence clasps her mouth in her hooves. Celestia just stood there, mouth agape and eye gradually twitching as she recalled her own sister’s history with the entity in question.

“You’re… you’re wrong!” Celestia hisses.

“We saw it with our own eyes! Twilight came into our main mess hall asking about your location with this crazed look, not to mention her transformed body! When we said we didn’t know, she just attacked us! Later when we investigated her chambers, we found Steel and his friends over there injured bad.”

“Just injured?” Luna asks. “But I though the Nightmare only killed it’s opponents!”

The guard rubs his chin, deep in thought. “That is an abnormality, but it doesn’t matter! Twilight is searching the castle and if we stay here to long she’ll-!”

Before the guard could, a door at the far end of the garden flies off its hinges as three guards fly through the forcefully opened entrance and a dark figure steps through after them. As the smoke clears, it becomes all too clear who it is.

There, standing amidst the sprawled out soldiers, was Twilight, standing as tall as Celestia with dark wings and devilishly glowing eyes. She looks up to Celestia, her mad grin intensifying, and yells ”Found you!”

Celestia falls onto all four of her knees as tears silently form eyes. As two guards come to pick her and guide her away, Luna rallies with Shinning, Cadence, and the other guards to from a protective barrier around her sister.

“Back, vile Nightmare!” Luna proclaims. “Less you be slain by your former host!”

“Let go of my sister you bastard!” Shinning chimes in.

Instead of boasting about power as the Nightmare would, or even simply talking about how they have no chance of winning, Twilight merely wave her hoof around in the air, saying “Yeah, yeah, heroic circle jerk, whatever. Can I speak with Tia in private? There’s something me and her really need to address!” her grin growing wider.

Luna and the others are baffled by this unusual behavior, but they do not allow this to deter them. with battle cries aplenty, they charge at the evil Twilight, and then finally, when they’re right on top of her, THEY… are immediately stopped dead in their tracks and suspended in the air indefinitely.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT!” Blood screams in frustration, flailing around and trying to break free of the magical hold. The others follow suit, kicking and screaming, trying to break free.

“Luna! Can you get us out?” Cadence yells.

“I-I can’t! Her magic is so powerful not even I can break it!”

As they struggle, Twilight begins to walk slowly, sinuously towards the Princess of the sun, who was now on her hooves and rapidly making her way backwards away from her star pupil.

“Aww Celestia, where do I possibly begin? We do have so much to go over after all.” Twilight says with a predatory glint in her eye. “Why don’t we discuss this in your private chambers?”

Celestia raises her hoof, saying “I have a better idea, let’s go somewhere private and FUCK YOOOOUUUUU!”

A piece of a nearby wall comes flying off as it hits Twilight in the face, covering her visage in a dust cloud and giving Celestia a chance to escape. But, as she is halfway into her escape flight, she looks back to see Twilight, merely cracking her neck and whispering “Ow.”

‘Oh fuck that noise!’ Celestia yells in her mind, teleporting in favor of flight. Her new location is given away by a bright flash in the windows of her bed chambers. Twilight shakes he head at her mentors silliness, and walks back over to the group she has suspended in midair.

“You still think I’m Nightmare?” she asked Luna with a clocked eyebrow.

“Do not try to deceive me, beast! I know full and well what you are!”

Twilight gives another head shake at Luna’s obliviousness, bringing their heads together so that their horns crossed.

“Wait, what’re you? No… NO… I-I won’t let you! Get out of my head! Get… Out…!” Luna struggles, but to no avail. Almost immediately, Luna’s eye roll back into her head, and her and Twilights horns begin to glow twice as bright. The rest of the party try to break free to save her, but the struggle proves pointless.

“No! Please!”Luna begs. “I don’t want you to be a part of me again! I don’t want to… to… wait… wait a minute… where’s Nightmare?”

All heads except Twilight’s snapped to Luna, looks of mass confusion on all of them.

“What’s going on? Where is… wait… what’s that over… what the!” Luna’s blank eyes go wide. “What? What!? WHAT!?  WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!?”

The glow of their horns’ stop, Twilight opening her eyes as Luna’s unrolls. Luna’s expression is one of shock and utter surprise, sending her cohorts into a further state of confusion. Luna gulps, calmly asking Twilight if this is true. When Twilight nods her head, Luna faints, still suspended in mid air, Twilight then turning her attention to her step sister and brother and knocking them out with some sort of spell.

“I’ll bring them along so I can explain when they wake up, but I don’t want them seeing. You on the other hoof,” she says to the guards “are going to watch! Oh, and Brute?” Brute turns his attention to the twisted princess.

“It’s dangerous to go alone. Here, take this!” Twilight say’s, materializing an object into Brute’s hooves.

“A… a camcorder?”

“Just turn it on and record everything. Trust me; you’ll be glad you did!”

And with all that said and done Twilight teleports to Celestia’s chamber, three unconscious ponies and a ton of guards in tow.

Celestia sits in her room, holding a pillow to her chest, waiting for some sort of conformation that the storm has passed. Her ears perk up at the sound of hoof steps coming from her door, slowly approaching only to stop right outside. Before Celestia can even ask who is there, the door is blown off of its hinges, revealing the visage of Twilight, still levitating everyone else behind her.

Twilight sets Luna, Shinning, and Cadence down, putting the guard in a bubble of pure magic to keep them in place. As she enters Celestia’s room, she sets up another field, blocking the door.

“Finally,” Twilight growls “it’s just you, me, and an audience.”

“Please Twilight, I know you’re still in there, you have to fight it!” Celestia pleads.

Twilight cocks her head, chuckling to herself, the chuckle slowly rolling into whooping laugh as she hangs her head back. As her laugh ends, her malicious voice rings out “You’re right; I am still in here!”

She closes the distance with a teleport, looking straight into the eyes of her teacher. “How about I show you?”

Before Celestia can even scream, Twilights horn meets her own, and her eyes roll back.

Celestia materializes in an astral plane, much similar to the one where Twilight made her transformation. She quickly scans over her environment, quickly coming to the conclusion that she must be in Twilights mind.

“Yes, you are.” Twilight responds, Celestia’s mind open to hers. “Look around and tell me what you see.”

Tia does so, inspecting the environment around her, only to find… that there was not a single trace of the Nightmare. No matter where she looked, all she could see was Twilights memories and emotions. Her ears droop, and her eyes go wide, as the full realization of the truth came crashing down on her.

This was not the work of Nightmare.

“Twilight, this is… this is all you.” Celestia whimpers.

“Yes Tia,” Twilight echoes “and here’s why.”

A beacon of light shines brightly from one of the far ends of the plane, beckoning the sun princess to it, two voices becoming clearer as she draws near. She soon realizes that the voices belong to her and her student, both screaming. Wait, no… moaning? Confusion begins to stir in Celestia’s mind as she draws closer to the glow, seeing two forms grappling one another. She expected the moans to be nightmarish, like the howls of a pony being flogged with whips baring molten steel at their tips. But, as she closes the last few feet between her and the ponies in the glow, she realizes the moans are, if anything, sensual. It’s only when the light fades and the figures become completely visible that what is truly going on, dawns on her, and when it does, her breathing fails her for a moment.

There, on a heart shaped bed is Twilight and… another Celestia. They are interlocked together in pre coitus grouping of one another, kissing passionately when they’re not nuzzling into one another.

“Oh Twilight!” Celestia coos. The real Celestia jumps back with a start, not believing that such a young, girlish sound could come from her.

“I’ve wanted this for so long.” she hears Twilight growl, an animalistic hunger from deep within present in her voice.

Celestia looks at the scene before her, completely in awe of the truth. Twilight was never angry with her, or maybe she was, but the reason for both was obvious.

Twilight wanted her, and she wanted her right, fucking, NOW!”

The from behind the two ponies flashes brightly, blinding Tia, only for her vision to return as her eyes roll back out. The first thing she sees is all the guards outside the field all looking in Twilight’s direction in complete awe, and for good reason; Twilight is currently nipping, nibbling, sucking, and licking at her teachers neck. This causes Celestia to run back from Twilight, similar to the way Twilight herself ran away from some snakes during her first winter wrap up. As she crashes into her bed, Twilight approaches her with a grin that could make Sombra shiver.

The guards watch in complete and total awe as she saunters towards Celestia, the truth dawning on them as well. All of them are still, except for Brute, who is fidgeting with his camera in order to get the best quality recording, and Blood, who is rubbing his hooves together as he says “Oh, dis gun be guuud!”

“Twilight please!” Celestia pleads. “W-we can’t! I’m your teacher!”

“That didn’t stop you from ‘accidently’ dropping all those books just to get a peek of da plot!” Twilight says.

“You… you knew about that?”

“Yes. I also know about you watching me In the royal bath, sniffing my hair when I’m not looking, and masturbating to and with my notes.”

Celestia looks away from Twilight, blushing like a schoolgirl caught skipping class. She looks back up at Twilight to see that her devilish grin has disappeared, giving way to a gentle, loving, and understanding smile. The glow in her eyes, once menacing and powerful, has become soft and… alluring. The sun goddess has lost this and she knows it, and much to Twilights delight, Tia was closing the distance between their snouts. When their lips met, the kiss was not forceful and neither led it, instead the simply let their tongues mingle with one another, dancing like prince and princess. It lasted only for only a few minutes, before separating to look deep into each other’s eyes.

“P-please, be gentle with me.” Celestia whimpers.

Twilight shoots back from Celestia, staring at her with a cocked eyebrow. “Excuse me?”

“Well, um. “ Celestia stutters. “It’s been awhile Twilight. Just, go easy okay?”

Twilight laughs, surprising Tia as she throws her head back. “So, wait a minute.” she says, only partially regaining her composure. “You think after all the teasing, all the subtle hints, all the suppressed feelings,” she leans in, getting right in Tia’s face “that I’m going to make this easy for you?”

“Um, yes?” Celestia says with a rather hard gulp.

“Ohoho!” Twilight laughs, tackling her mentor to the bed and looking down at her with a smoldering, lustful gaze. “You gon’ learn today!”

Before Celestia can even protest Twilight’s lips meet hers, and her eyes roll back as she gives in and accepts whatever Twilight has for her to receive.

The guards watch in awe as their princesses put on quite the show for them, moving from groping and passionate kisses to hoofing each other’s slits. Soon, oral sex commences, their tongues moving in elaborate patterns across their pink, sensitive pussy flesh, ending with the sixty-nine position. It’s when they try tribadism that they reach their first orgasms, Twilights shield glowing brightly and shaking as the room around the two goddesses does the same. But they’re not done yet. They proceed to try out several tribadism positions, some even involving a dildo summoned by Twilight, until they finally use their horns and wings on each other, baffling the guards with all the explored possibilities. It’s only when Twilight teleports all of her toys into the room, as well as using a futanari spell on herself, that things really get interesting.

Oh, Twilight? What’s pressing against my…?

Exactly what you think! You remember that - umph - futa spell, right?”

B-but Twilight! It’s so big! I can’t possibly take it all!

You’ll manage!

AH, TWILIGHT! OOOH!

The hot dicking commences, Celestia melting in mixture of exquisite pain and unimaginable pleasure as she takes Twilight’s giant staff. But an idea comes to Twi’s mind, and she levitates one of her god tier dildos towards Tia’s virgin looking anus, slathering it with enchanted lube as to not hurt her… too much.

Hey Celestia! Guess what?

Wha-?

SURPRISE BUTTSEX!

OOOOOOOOOOH!

As Tia’s face becomes completely ahegao, a guard becomes distracted from the scene before him by a rapid clopping noise beside him.

“What the-? AW, DUDE! WHAT THE FUCK!?”

“Fuck you!” the other, furiously masturbating guard hisses. “Do you think I’ll ever get to see another live show like this?”

Yeah! You enjoy this, don’t you? You enjoy not being the one in charge, eh? Well don’t you worry, cause from now on, I’ll make you my bitch whenever you need!

Oh, Twilight-sama!

Take it! Take it- wait what?

Oh, um, sorry. I’m a – mmmm – huge fan of – oh right there – doujinshi! OH GODS MY BUTT IS SO FULL!

Really?

Twilight cast another spell, pulling out of a whining Celestia. Her balls multiply into six, and her sheath into twelve, each sheaths cock becoming wriggly and plant like.

Then you should be very familiar with the term TENTACLE GANGBANG!”

Ah, Twilight-SAMA! Motto, MOTTO! MOTTO FUKAKU!

Motto this!

“OOOOOH! KIMOCHI II! KIMO-mmmph!

Celestia gags as one of the tentacles plunges down her throat her tongue licking up, down, and around it instinctively. The audience they have watches in total awe as Celestia is tossed about, every available hole filled with tentacles, sometimes more than one. In the switching of certain positions, and multiple creamy orgasms, Celestia begins to gain some control. Soon she is riding atop Twilight as multiple tentacles fill her front and rear passages. A devious smirk comes across her face as she cast yet another spell.

Hey Twilight!

Y-yeah?

Payback’s a bitch, aint it?

What’re you- AUUUGGH!

Celestia’s futa spell activates much faster than Twilight’s, flooding her mouth with throbbing goddess cock. This lasts for only a moment, however, as Twilight begins to deepthroat Celestia with ease.

Oh, Twilight! I can feel my balls hitting your chin! I don’t remember teaching you *this*!

Mmmph! mmmmmmWAAA- I do have toys, you know? And plus, as a teenager, I spied on you when you blew a guard. So you did give me some visual aid!

Why you little-!

*SLURP!*

OH SWEET GODDESSES!

Celestia fucks Twilights face for a minute, all while riding those sinuous tentacle penises. Meanwhile, Brute looks down at the camera, mumbling to himself “This may be the best fetish porno of all time.”

His attention is brought back to the heavenly fuckfest when he hears Twilight gasping for air. Looking up, he sees Celestia getting into missionary with Twilight, casting the same spell Twilight was currently using to give herself a tentacle monster between her legs. She grows eight main phalluses, four for each hole, and a bunch of others to explore Twilights body.

You ready you lusty, purple whore?

Bitch, I’ve been ready!

They begin, holes filled with tentacle meat, and all other tentacles caressing and slapping against their bodies. The guards watch hours of this, multiple positions being switched between as the princesses experience a mind blowing fifty more climaxes.

“Shit, can I be an alicorn?” Steel says to no one in particular.

After hours and hours of doing nothing but fucking each other (ha, but fucking) they finally speak to someone other than each other.

“Hey guards!” Twilight yells in a booming Canterlot voice. Each guard looks up, startled, only to find an image that makes their collective hearts leap into their throats. Both princesses have spread their legs open, posing in a ‘come hither’ position for all the guards to see. “Wanna join?”

Each guard looks at each other, contemplating the decision before them. Yes it was the princesses, but at the same time, it was them out of control and using weird fetishes, not to mention that each guard knew that this would surely be the end of their anal virginity.

Eh, fuck it!

The guards swarmed the two royals, some losing their butt cherries from tentacles, dildos, or even summon creatures within seconds of contact. The whole situation devolves into a sexual frenzy, with holes getting filled and dicks getting sucked in all directions.

At one point, all attention seems to focus on Celestia, all guards running a train on her, or running it on each other around her. Twilight took this opportunity, too cast one more new spell that would define most of the rest of the orgy. Her figure grew larger, her coat began to resemble scales, her pupils became even more menacing and predatory slits, her wings become dragon like, and her bunch of tentacles become something… something evil.

So… I heard ya’ll like Cthulhu.

Twilight, what does that- OH SWEET MOTHER OF FAUST!

Luna awakes, a bright light engulfing her vision. As she gets up and her vision clears, the bright light now a giant orb of light that now takes up most of her sisters room. She immediately realizes what it is, and openly gawks at the site of it. “The Nexus Climax.” she whispers.

“The what?” Cadence asks, awoken by the light as well. Luna is startled by the sudden interruption, but soon begins to explain.

“It is a state of constant, enchanted orgasm only achieved by alicorns after constant sex for hours with heavy uses of magic involved. Not only have Twilight and Celestia reach it, but they seem to have been sustaining it while supporting mortal ponies within it as well!”

“Whoa, whoa, WHOA!” Cadence interrupts. “You mean to tell me that Twilight just wanted to…. “ Luna nods. “Oh… wow.”

Cadence thinks about this for a moment before gasping in fright. “She didn’t rape Tia did she!?”

“Oh heavens no!” Luna replies. “If she did that with that much power, Tia would be dead by now. And trust me, from what I’m sensing, she is very, very much alive.”

Cadence sighs in relief, turning to wake her husband and tell him the good news. But, to her and Luna’s horror, her husband was up and trying to open the dome… and he was succeeding.

“Come on! Almost there!” he grunts. Before either alicorn can stop him, he finally opens the portal and…

A fire hose like jet of semen, girl cum, and other bodily and magic induced fluids come bursting forth, enveloping Shinning and rocketing off of the balcony they all stand on. As the hole closes and the jet subsides, Shinning stands firm, only pushed a few feet by the orgasmic jet. Truly there is no stallion as brave, strong, or courageous as Shi-.

“AaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

Never mind.

“Oh gods it’s everywhere! My mane, my tail, and OH GODS MY EYES! It’s in my eyes! It BURNS! Oh go- oh no! It’s in my mouth, IT”S IN MY MOUTH! OH GODS WHY DOES IT TASTE LIKE SALTY VANILLA AND STRAWBERRIES!”

As Shinning continues to lose his damn mind, Cadence sighs. “I’m gonna get him to a shower.”

She walks up to her crying husband and puts a hoof to his shoulder and whisks him away with a teleport.

As Luna watches the couple as they go, she notices, out of the corner of her eye, that the light has faded, the magic induced heat evaporating the various juices, leaving behind a group of most ponies and the slight smell of sex and lust.

As Luna walks over the many guards on the floor, she sees her sister and Twilight cuddling and nipping at each other lovingly, and smiles.

“You two look like you enjoyed yourselves.” she says.

“Luna, we didn’t just fuck each other’s bodies.” Celestia replies dreamily. “We fucked each other’s souls! Our soul’s Luna! It was… so awesome.” Celestia finishes, her voice cracking.

“We can’t feel our rear legs!” Blood yells. “And it was so, totally worth it.”

“Twilight, the next time you go into that type of heat, could you not fool us into thinking you’re the new Nightmare fucking Moon!” Luna scolds.

Before Twilight responds, a funny idea comes to mind, and she summons a pair of sunglasses. Upon showing Celestia these, the sun princess and her protégé begin to grin madly.

“Well, while I’m not Nightmare Moon, I guess you could’ve called me….”

Twilight puts on the sunglasses as Celestia inhales deeply.

NIGHMARE HEAT!

YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!

Luna facehoofs.