Save Derpy

by Cubbysablo

Rating: mature
Tags: Alternate Universe, Human, Romance, Comedy, Random, Dark
Length: 5082

After Derpy is found offensive for a stupid reason, she is taken away from Equestria, only to be found randomly in a dark forest by a dude. Together, they go through crazy pointless adventures for no apparent reason. Hillarity ensues.

After Derpy is found offensive for a truly stupid reason, she is mole- taken away by strange forces from Equestria, ending up on Earth. Rex finds her sitting alone in the forest, crying, and he tries to help. Together, they go on crazy, pointless, never-would-have-happened-if-I-didn't-do-that adventures together for no apparent reason. Hillarity ensues.

WARNING: might contain beards, muffins, tentacles and random unexpected shenanigans. References included.

P.S. I have gotten truly insane because of lack of sleep. Don't expect anything normal from this.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-10-05 00:50:02 UTC

Appearances and beards

"I can't believe it! I just. Can't. believe. it!" It's true. I couldn't believe it. How could they? Why?WHY? I was mad beyond understanding. How could they decide to do it? What were they thinking?why did they decide to remove her?

Oh, where are my manners. My name is Rex Walker, and I'm a 29 years old brony. Yeah, pretty badass name, right? Anyways, the reason I was freaking out there is because of the newest news: Derpy is being removed from the show. Permanently. Shocking, right? Wrong, it's terrifyingly terrible! (Or something like that.) Anyways, my first reaction was shock. My second reaction was to search for reasons. My third reaction was an outburst of rage and my fourth reaction was just...being sad. An emptiness of some kind. I was so very very sad! Why would they think Derpy is offensive? She is the most adorable pony in the show, or as others say it: Derpy is best pony.

Oh, sorry, again. I got a little carried away there. Of course, the brony code is to love and tolerate, right? And in situations like this you are supposed to do so. Loving and tolerating is mostly easy to do, like that one time I successfully converted a whole bunch of anti-bronies into bronies (damn it Brain, stop exaggerating! You know that's not really true). I succeeded by loving and tolerating. But that's hard to do when a loved one is being removed from you. I mean, if you have a loved one, and then someone comes and says that he or she must die or go away forever, would you just stand there, loving and tolerating the shit out of them? I wouldn't. I know I'm being a bad example, but I don't care. I just...don't.

I shut down my computer. It was late, and I decided to sleep. It's not good dwelling on sad things all the time, even if it was Derpy...but it was hard no to. Derpy was my favorite.

So I decided to make myself a promise that night.

If there was anything, and I mean anything, I could to help Derpy's cause, then I would do it. No matter what.

* * * * * *

"So are you coming to the party later? There will be muffins and everything!" She blurted out. Derpy looked at the pink party maniac and smiled.

"Of course, pinkie, I wouldn't miss it for the world! I just gotta finish delivering these last letters and I'll be there in a heartbeat!" She said. She would never ever miss her parties, especially if there was muffins. Nom.

"Okie dokie lokie!" Pinkie said, happily bouncing towards Sugar Cube Corner.

Derpy sighed. She turned back to the mailbox and proceeded to open it, while reaching into one of her saddlebags to pick up an envelope with her mouth, carefully placing it in the mailbox. Just two more deliveries, then she could have as many muffins as she wanted. It was a thought that usually made her very happy.

...only, it didn't. Not this time, for some reason. Even more, her eyes weren't crossed as usual. They were...straight. Her ears drooped and she sighed. "Why am I so sad today?" She mumbled to herself. She stretched out her wings and started to flap them, heading towards her next destination. Halfway there, she stopped. She stopped, and flew down to the ground. She looked to her right. A little farther away she could see Sugar Cube Corner, emanating light in the half darkness that was surrounding Ponyville. She looked to her right. There she saw a place she had never been at before. Atleast she thought she hadn't.

Normally, she would ignore it and happily continue to deliver her letters. Being a mailmare was a job she loved. Seeing the smiles on the ponies when giving them their letters always made her day. And muffins, too. Oh how she loves muffins. She had no idea why she loves muffins that much. Maybe it was the flavor? Maybe it was the form? But she usually doesn't care. She just loves muffins.

But, instead of continuing her journey, she actually went into that unknown place. Maybe it was the sadness deep inside of her that made her go? Maybe she was just curious? Maybe it was some kind of unknown force that forced her to go? As usual, she didn't know. But just going in there somehow just...felt right to her.

She just continued to slowly trot deeper into the alleyway, while inhaling the sweet smell of the evening. Suddenly, she stopped, again. But this time it was out of surprise. She was blinded by a big white light, and she brought a hoof up to cover her eyes. When her eyes had adjusted, she saw what it was. It was a big round white spot just hanging in the air, as if it was a hole that was just ripped open randomly.

Suddenly, several big...tentacles? Yes, several big tentacles slowly crept out of the hole. At first, Derpy just stood there and stared in awe as they moved with grace. Then she noticed they were closing in on her, so she jumped backwards out of sheer surprise, and not a moment too late! They clenched together with an audible sound, making Derpy realize. The tentacles had tried to grab her!

She turned around and started to run. Away from those huge..."things". She didn't care where, as long as it was as far away from there. She had just made it out of the alleyway when she slipped. She tried to stand up again, but couldn't. Then she saw the reason: one tentacle had enveloped her hind leg!

The next thing she saw was the other huge muscles started enveloping the rest of her legs, and the result made her scream.

"Help! Help!! Somepony help m..." Her voice was muffled. A tentacle was shoved up her mouth, preventing her from talking, refusing to let go no matter how much she tried to force it out.

Tears started to flood down her face. What was happening? Why were they doing that? What had she ever done to deserve this? The tentacles started dragging her backwards back into the white hole. Derpy made no more attempts at fighting back; she knew it was useless. Well inside the hole, she could see nothing but white and the hole from which she came from.

The hole started to close , and then there was nothing. Nothing but white. The tentacles released her and vanished, leaving her alone. She just...she...well...um...

Then she knew. She knew exactly why she was there. She knew. She knew. She knew...

* * * * * *

I woke up, sweating like hell. I had a terrible dream, but luckily I can't remember what it was. I tried to calm down. When my breathing had returned to normal, I started looking around. I was in the same old room I always used to sleep in. It was still dark, so I picked up my ipad from the night table. It was 2:00 in the morning, exactly. Creepy if you ask me.

I wasn't tired. I was fully awake, and I just felt like going out. This is not unusual for me, but it's not common either. I usually wake up at this exact time maybe three, four times a week. The creepy thing is that whenever I check the time the first time after waking up, it's always 2:00 in the morning.

And right after, I always get the urge to run off to the forest. It's no use refusing, because the feeling just gets more and more intense the longer I wait, and it's impossible to sleep.

So i picked up my jacket and put it on after putting on my clothes. I went to the kitchen and brought out two muffins to take with me. I love muffins. Don't ask me why I love them, because if you do, all I will say is...nom.

I grabbed my keys, ipad and a flashlight, since it's still very dark outside. And of course, a bag to carry the stuff.

I opened my door, locked it after me, and ran outside, towards the forest.

Entering the dark realm of the forest, I brought out my flashlight and started to walk. There was no path, just overgrown grass and bushes. It was really nice walking around there. Normally I would be scared. Really scared. But somehow, I...wasn't. I could only feel the satisfaction of quenching my needs (it's up to you if this was an intended pun or not).

So I walked around in there, deep deep into the forest, not caring if I got lost. Then I saw something. On a tree. I pointed my flashlight to shine some light on it, and I saw some kind of...paper, taped to the tree. I went closer and saw something written on it, but sloppily, as if the one who wrote it was in a hurry.

I slowly went forward, step, by step, not taking my eyes of the paper. Once closer, I saw what was written.

"Always watching" is what it said, right next to some kind of face without face or mouth. I wonder who? I went even closer and stretched out my hand to rip it off. Just as I touched it, I heard something.

I stopped dead in my tracks, taking my hand off the paper.

I listened closely. Nothing.

Shrugging my shoulders, I went to rip off the paper. Just as I touched it, I heard that sound again!

It sounded neither like static, a raped piano, or tentacles being erected.

It sounded as if someone was manually making the sound. Listening closely, I could hear it again. Memorizing the location of this place, I went out to investigate the source of the sound. The clouds seemed to have moved a little bit, so the beautiful full moon could shine it's light upon this world, making me turn off my flashlight to conserve battery.

Pushing bushes and branches aside while making my way towards the source of that strange sound, I gotta say I was surprised by how bright it was. The moonlight never usually was this bright. Ignoring the sudden strangeness, I continued walking, pushing those damn branches aside on my way.

I stopped, straining my ears. The sound was louder than before, indicating that I was indeed closer to the source. After countless minutes (but what felt like hours) of walking, pushing annoying branches and bushes aside, I arrived at a...clearance? Opening? Don't quite have the word, but it was a large empty spot without those stupid bushes or trees growing, just beautiful green grass.

Except, the spot wasn't as empty as I thought. Because in the middle of the place, I saw...well, something, but it was definitely the source of the sound, and now I could define the sound as "crying". Identification complete. Woohoo.

God, I need to stop imitating GLaDOS.

I bent down, hiding behind a bush. Finally these things come to a use. I tried identifying the strange creature that was "crying", and I could make out that it was grey, had golden mane and tail, plus a pair of wings. Cool. Just like...wait...no way. Nooooo waaaaay. It was a plushie! Lol, no. Brain, just...no. No 'lols' in this story, okay? Good.

Ignoring my brains ferocious attempts at trying to tell me it was a plushie of a glorious beard with wings and golden sprinkles on top, I saw...well, Derpy. As simple as that. I saw Derpy, her back turned to me, obviously crying. She probably haven't detected me yet. I slowly approached, step by step. Then I saw that stupid beard again. Brain, stop. Now.

Then Derpy appeared instead of the beard. I approached 'til I was about 1 - 2 metres away from her.

"Derpy?" I said quietly, but still audible enough for her to hear me. She was startled and looked behind herself right at me, tears flooding her eyes. She screamed.

"Go away! No one needs me! I'm just in the way!"

I was shocked. Not by what she said, but because her eyes were not crossed in the adorable way they used to be. Well, I was shocked by her words. Too. Sorry.

So I approached her even more.

"Didn't you hear me?! I told you no one needs me! Neither should you!" She was screaming even more now, but that didn't stop me.

"I TOLD YOU TO GO AWAY!! NO ONE NEEDS ME!! GO AWAY, LEAVE ME ALONE!!!" She screamed. I bent down in front of her, opening my mouth.

"Don't say that". She looked at me with anger and sadness in her eyes.

"WHY DON'T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE YOU STUPID..." Before she could finish, I bent forward and hugged her, stopping her from finishing that line. She just continued crying uncontrollably in my shoulder, hugging me tightly, as if, if she lets go, she'll die or something. I could feel my shoulder get wet from all her tears, but I didn't care, I could always dry it off later.

She continued to cry, and I brought my hand up to the back of her head, slowly stroking her golden mane. It had a very silky and smooth feeling, and, surprisingly, it wasn't a mess when I looked at it.

So, I just sat there with her in my arms, carefully stroking her mane. She kept on crying. Then the crying shifted to sobs, then to sniffing. At last, she fell asleep. I could feel her slow, warm breath on my chest. So I decided it was better if I could bring her to the safety of my home.

Gently picking her up, I started walking home, through all the bushes and branches. Strangely they were not annoying this time, as if the way was opening itself for me. And I remembered that strange yellow paper. Maybe I should go pick it up now? ...nah, I'll do it later. Maybe, just maybe.

Finally, I arrived to the forests end and went in the comforting streetlights light, lighting up the empty road. I think the light woke Derpy up, because I could feel squirming in my arms. I looked at her, and her eyes were half closed.

"Mmm...muffins..." She mumbled, barely comprehensible. I think my heart exploded at this moment.

She kept on lazily gazing at me, or around or where ever she was gazing. Her eyes were still straight, sadly. Then I could see the nostrils on her muzzles inhaling some air. She was sniffing something.

"Muffin...where is...muffin..." She mumbled, before closing her eyes and falling asleep again. And so my heart exploded for a second time.

Soon, I arrived at my home. It wasn't the best of houses, but it was my home, and it means alot to me. Grabbing my keys from my pocket, I proceeded to stick the key into one of the two locks, turning it around and opening the door. The other lock is broken, but it's not showing, which can easily trick thieves or burglars. Atleast, that's what I think.

Closing the door behind me, I went inside to my room. There was my bed, just as I remember it. I slowly placed Derpy in the bed, trying not to wake her up.

Then I tucked her in so she could keep warm. I just stood there, watching her sleep away. When I saw her like that, I felt a certain...something. It felt like I had a really warm feeling in my heart. It was as if I had gotten back a part of me that I had lost a long time ago. It was such a nice feeling, I wish I could have it forever. And it was thanks to her, so I decided to do something you may think as strange. I went to her and bent down, kissing her forehead.

"Thank you" I whispered, barely audible, before going away.

I exited my room and went to the TV room, a big room with two sofas and a big luxury flat TV. Now, I don't usually play games anymore, because I love to chill in front of my ipad, just watching Youtube, using cool apps or reading/creating MLP fanfictions, but I had a Wii, Xbox 360, PS2 (YES, a playstation 2, not 3) and a Wii U.

I sat down on one of the sofas and started thinking on the events of the past hour. And wow. I'm truly surprised that I'm...not surprised by what happened. Wait a second, how does that even work? How can you be surprised that you were not surprised? Or how can you not be suprised knowing that you were surprised? HAS YOUR MIND EXPLODED YET???!!!??!?!??!!

All that thinking must have taken it's toll on me, because I think I drifted off to sleep. And I had a dream. The dream was about...nope, I forgot it. Sorry, always happens :/

* * * * * *

I woke up. In a sofa. Yep. Surprised? I mean, what did you expect? Explosions and cars? Sorry, no. No explosions or cars. Rather say that it's Saturday today. Well, whatever.

I noticed I still had the same clothes from the early morning, but I didn't care. Instead, I walked to the bathroom and took a shower. After about 5-10 minutes, I grabbed a towel and dried myself off, before putting on some fresh clean clothes. I went to the kitchen where I had left my backpack this morning. Proceeding to open it, I grabbed the two muffins inside, put one on the counter and stuffed the other one in my mouth, starting to chew at the delicious flavor of the muffin. Mmm, I really love muffins. Not all muffins, some are not tasty at all, mostly those you can buy in the store. So I learned to bake them myself, and boy do they taste good.

Continuing to eat, I heard a ringing sound coming from the hall. My home phone.

Now, the funny thing is, i have an iPad, but no iPhone. Yes, go on, laugh at this depressing irony, but I'm actually better off without an iPhone. I don't like the small size of those machines, and an iPad is more practical and larger, easier to handle. But that's just me.

I majestically ran to the ringing phone, lifted it with my free, still a bit damp, hand, answering the phone.

"Mmf, hello?"

"Oh hey! Long time no see! How are you doing?"

"What? No way! Really?"

"Yeah definitely! How about half an hour from now, hmm?"

"Alright then. I'll bake us some muffins. See ya!"

I put down the phone. For those of you who don't know, that was my best friend, Cubby. We've been friends since childhood, and...well, yeah, he's my best friend. And we're not planning on breaking that bond. He called me and said he had got his hands on an original GameCube with the game Mario Cart DD and 4 controllers, so he's coming over today. And, well...you can probably guess the rest.

I finished my muffin and went to the kitchen to get the other one. However, when I entered, there was no muffin where I left it. Instead, a grey pegasus mare swallowed the last part of the now gone muffin. She looked at me with those adorably crossed eyes and said:

"More muffins?"

....

....

.....shit.

* * * * * *

"NOOOOOO!!!" I screamed, after falling down on my knees.

"What did I do to deserve this?! Why? Whyyyy!!"

I broke down completely, almost starting to cry.

Derpy was apparently confused, and she asked:

"Um, excuse me, mister? But...did I do something wrong?"

"YES! You ate that muffin, didn't you?!" I pointed at the place where the treat used to be, almost screaming. "It was mine! And now it's gone!" I started crying, right there. My muffin was gone. Aww...

Derpy's head hung low, as did her ears.

"I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt anyp

ony, and I was just a bit hungry, too..."

I sniffed and dried off a tear with my hand.

"Aww, it's quite alright, I forgive you."

Her ears perked back up.

"Really?!" She said, with surprise and a tint of happiness in her voice.

"Of course. You didn't know, did you? And I'm going to make more by the way, so it's alright. Feel like helping me out?" I smiled. Derpy started jumping around in excitement, shouting: "yay! More muffins! Woohoo!" She jumped towards me and embraced me in a tight hug, barely letting me breath.

"Thank you so much, mister...err..."

"Call me Beard...I mean, Rex. Call me Rex." Dammit brain, stop mixing up things with beards all the time!

"Okay, thank you Mister Rex!" She hugged me even more. And this time, I couldn't breath. Luckily, it only lasted for a brief moment, as she released me, and I gasped for air, as if I've been under water for one hour and just came up.

"Eh, hehe, sorry about that..." She blushed a bit and stared at me with those adorably crossed eyes, and I found the whole act absolutely adorable. In fact, it was so adorable, I couldn't resist but to let out a "D'awww".

So I bent forward and hugged her. And she hugged back, a little softer this time though.

"So, wanna get started?" I asked.

She nodded with a smile.

* * * * * *

I am stupid. I am so very very stupid. Twenty-nine minutes has passed, and my friend is very exact when it comes to time. Well, not really. He's always late when it comes to boring stuff, like classes, training, etc. But never when it comes to things he likes. So basically, he'll be here in exactly 49 seconds and a half, and I've completely forgotten about how he will react to my guest. I don't know what to do. Should I hide her? Should I tell the truth? I know I can trust him, he has never let me down, and probably never will. He's also the most hardcore brony I've ever met. What should I do?

I was thinking feriously in my room, sitting on my bed. In fact, I was so occupied with that, I didn't notice the door bell ring. And I also didn't notice that Derpy went to open the door after telling me she would open it, until it was too late. She had opened the door, but I wasn't really worried. Until I looked at the time.

12 seconds too soon...

I ran to my computer. Next to it was a huge chest that I had got once one year back. I opened it, and as always, a familiar tune played while doing so.

I searched the content of the huge box. A sword...shield...red hat...slingshot...bow...huge golden coin...power suit...hidden blade...diamond pickaxe...masks...aha!

I found what I was searching for: a metal bat. I grabbed with two hands and ran for the door, kicking it open like a boss. Then I saw them.

No, it wasn't my friend. Two bad guys (that's muggers for you) had grabbed The poor mare, knocked her unconscious and was running away from my house. I knew it. These parts are more dangerous than I thought. But that's also why I love this place. Freedom in exchange for safety sucks, so that's why I live here.

I ran after the muggers, and they seemed surprised by my appearance. One of them told the one who held the unconscious Pegasus to run away, while he would take care of me. I grinned. Too easy.

I ran with the bat high in the air, preparing to hit. He seemed a bit unsure of himself, because he half covered himself, half holding his hands to try and grab the bat.

I closed in, ready to smash his head in. Only, I didn't. I threw the bat too high, over his head. This made him look up at the bat, watching as it was floating in the air. It seemed like he was just about to laugh, but he was unguarded, so I took the opportunity to jump and kick his chest, making me fly high into the air too. I grabbed the bat while flying, before landing and performing a roll. And yes, I do parkour. Sorry for not telling.

The mugger was on the ground, having a hard time breathing, while I kept running towards the other one. He was slower with the living cargo he carried on his back, which made me quickly close up to him. However, to my surprise, he turned around and pointed a gun at me, making me stop dead in my tracks.

"Get your hands in the air and drop the fucking weapon on the ground! NOW!"

I stared at him. Seriously...?

"Or...?" I asked, not even slightly scared by the gun. I can dodge shots easily, I've done it before.

He started to panic a bit, but then he noticed the pony resting on his shoulder, so he threw her on the ground (making me wince. Luckily she isn't awake, or that might have hurt a bit) and pointed the gun at her head.

"Or I'll shoot this mutaded horsefucker!"

Now it was my turn to panic, but I pointed the bat at him, and said:

"Shoot her, and I'll kill you. Let her go, and I might just spare your life." I tried to sound intimidating. Talking never was my thing. Sadly, it didn't seem to work, as he just started to laugh hysterically, and pointed the gun at me.

"Yeah, right. Now drop the FUCKING weapon, or she's gone for! You hear me!?"

I grunted angrily, but did as he said.

"Now what?" I asked.

"Now..." He grinned, pointing the gun at Derpy. "...She dies."

At first, I heard nothing. Then a loud bang, followed by a huge echo soaring through the sky. My eyes widened.

"No..." I fell on my knees. " no! NO! YOU FUCKING MONSTER!" I screamed from the top of my lungs. He had...he...just...point...and shot...he...kil...

"Drop your weapon and hold your hands up, or I'll shoot."

...

...

...the mugger released the gun and pointed his hands up, looking really scared.

I stared in surprise and shock.

"Who...?" I asked, baffled by the events that had just passed by my eyes.

The person behind the mugger bent down and grabbed the gun, standing beside him so I could see both of them. I smiled when I recognized the person holding the gun.

"So that's what happens when I'm not here, you run around and get yourself killed by bunch of idiots" he said.

I laughed and picked up the bat resting on the ground.

"Hey, it wasn't really my fault!" I said.

"Yeah, I saw that, but it still happened, no?" He said.

I smirked. That's him, my best friend, Cubby. Somehow, he always comes and fixes the situation whenever I'm in a jam. I'm not going to describe to you what he looks like, because that's up to you to imagine (Tip: he has a backpack).

"Thank you for the gun sir, I never actually had one myself" he said. I laughed, but then I turned serious with him.

"What do we do with these guys, call the police...?" I asked.

He shook his head.

"Oh, that won't be a problem." He pointed the gun at the muggers head and pulled the trigger.

* * * * * *

"What the hell man!" I shouted at him. " you didn't have to kill them!"

He stared at me. His stare was enough to make an elephant cower in fear. However, I got used to it, after some time...

"I think I forgot to tell you. I have no feelings or emotions grave enough to make me feel guilty or sad. I'm immune." He said with a grin.

"Yeah, yeah, you told me that like, five-hundred times already." I said with an annoyed look on my face.

"And I will keep telling you until it actually goes into that thick skull you call a head. Now, what about the mare you chased after?" He asked.

I raised an eyebrow. "What do you..." My eyes widened. "Oh shit..." I ran to Derpy, atleast what seemed to be her body. I shaked her in an attempt to wake her up, but to no avail.

"Damnit, why..." I was on the verge of tears.

"Why are you so sad?" Cubby asked.

"She's dead damnit!" I screamed at him. Oh god I'm just...

"Dude, she's sleeping. Check her mane." He said.

"What?" I blurted out. I checked her mane. It had a small hole going through it, obviously from the bullet. I ran my hand through the mane, trying to feel the wound, but there was no blood. I listened to her heartbeats. It was still beating. I felt a joy I've never felt before starting to rise in my chest. She was alive! ALIVE!

"Alright, would you please stop molesting her and bring her home now?" My friend said.

"What? I'm not.."

"Whatever, just bring her in." He said, rolling his eyes. I didn't refuse, so I just picked her up. He threw the gun on the ground and started walking with me.

"Dude, why did you just throw the gun on the ground? What if they get your fingerprints or something?" I asked.

"So what? I don't give a shit if they do." He said.

"But..."

"No buts, just keep walking."

I groaned, but kept on walking. He has got to be the most stubborn person ever. But that's what's so cool about him. He can blow down a house without giving a shit. Cubby isn't even his real name, he changed it two years back. Claimed his old name was stupid...or something. I didn't really mind (still don't), but it's his name, so whatever.

"Hey, I made us some muffins. Derpy helped out, too."

"No shit, you said that on the phone." He answered. "Although the Derpy part is new."

I heard grunting in my arms, followed by one word.

"Muffins?"

Me and Cubs started laughing hysterically, awarding us with a strange look from the grey pegasus mare's face.

"Of course, Derpy, there will be muffins. Lots of them. just for you."