Will Chaos for Bits

by TheTobacconist

Rating: everyone
Tags: Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Fluttershy, Discord
Length: 1854

Discord wants to buy Fluttershy a present

Fluttershy has her eyes on a brand new hat, but can't afford it. Discord wants to show her how much her friendship means to him. But chaos is rarely useful. He's going to have to do some old fashioned work.

Published 2013-10-05 01:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-10-05 01:00:02 UTC

Chapter 1

"Rutabaga," Discord said slowly, juggling the vegetables as he and Fluttershy walked down the marketplace, "Ruh Tah Beh Gah!"

"That's nice, Discord." Fluttershy preened through the tomatoes in one stall, "What are you planning on cooking with them?"

"Cooking?" Discord asked, "I thought they were a toy."

Fluttershy tossed some bits on the table and took her tomatoes. "As long as you enjoy them."

"I'm sure I'll find a use for them," Discord tucked the rutabagas behind his goat beard, "Something insanely fun."

Fluttershy looked up at him.

"What?" Discord folded his arms, "I put the asylum back together when I was done."

"I would really prefer to not have the mayor yelling at me again." Fluttershy resumed walking, "If you don't mind."

"Of course" Discord saluted in full military dress. "Scout's honor."

Fluttershy looked into the window of a shop. There was a hat, displayed with expert lighting. It was made of fine straw, with a wide brim and tied off with a pink ribbon. Fluttershy looked through her coin purse, sighed, and put her purse back in her saddlebags. Discord looked back and forth between Fluttershy and the hat.

"Fluttershy?" He leaned down to her ear, "Did you want that?"

"Well, it is quite pretty, and it would be a wonderful thing to keep the sun out of my eyes when I'm working." Fluttershy smiled at him, "But I can't buy that right now, I have to be responsible with my money."

"Oh." Discord looked back over his shoulder at the hat in the window, "Fluttershy, I have a... thing to take care of. At the place."

"All right." She continued down the street, "I'll see you home later."

Discord studied the hat in the window. It was well constructed, and the ribbon was silk. He snapped his fingers, and an identical hat appeared in his paw. He smiled at it.

"That was easy," He raised it to his face.

The straws separated themselves, and sunk fangs deep into his arm. Discord shook his arm wildly, but the straws maintained their hold. Strangers stared as Discord rolled around on the ground, slamming his arm against anything close by. Discord stopped flailing around looked closely at the straw snakes. They trembled to find better purchase on him.

"Well, that was chaotic," He admitted.

Discord walked into the store, and waved at the salespony.

"Salutations," The energetic mare greeted him, "Welcome to Smiling Milliner, how can I help you?"

"How much is that hat in the window?" Discord asked, "The one with the waggley tail."

"Come again?" The salesmare tilted her head.

"Sorry, I said the first part and the rest just came out," Discord apologized, "How much for that straw hat in the window."

"Twenty bits, sir," She answered.

"Excellent." He snapped his fingers and coins jingled on the counter, "I'd like that gift wrapped. Please."

"What is this?" The salepony raised one of the coins to her eye, "Is this a joke."

"Most assuredly not," Discord denied, "I am quite adamant about buying that hat."

"Then you need real money," She stated.

"This is money," Discord raised the coin to her face, "It has the face of a god on it, so it's money."

The coin in question had his smiling mug on it, with a claw raised in a thumbs up. Circumscribed around his face in elegant lettering was 'You're Welcome!'. The salespony stared at it hard.

"So, you take the money, and I take the hat." The face on the coin concluded.

The mare shrieked and tossed the coin to the ground. Discord slithered out of it and brushed the gold paint off of himself.

"Fine," She yelled, "Just take it and go."

"Discord!" A regal voice interrupted, "What do you think you're doing?"

"Princess Celestia." He bowed. "I'm buying a hat."

"Is that what you think you're doing," Celestia leaned down and whispered to the salespony, "I'm so sorry. He's not trying to scare anyone."

"Of course not," A tiny discord sat on the salespony's ear, "Like I said, I'm just buying a hat."

"Discord." Celestia raised a hoof to her face. "Do you have any real money?"

"Of course." Discord grabbed the top of his head and stretched himself to his normal size, "I have as much real money as I need."

"No," Celestia argued, "You have currency that has been out of date for over a thousand years."

"But it's still currency," Discord retorted.

"I made your currency worthless a long time ago," Celestia explained, "If you want to buy the hat; go out there, earn some bits the honest way, and pay for it."

Celestia stormed off.

"Does she normally come by here?" Discord asked.

The salesmare shook her head.

"Look," Discord sighed, "I have a friend, my closest friend actually, and she is the most darling pony you'll ever meet. She never asks for anything. This is the first time I have known exactly what she wanted. All I want right now is to give my best friend a gift. So, can you cut me a deal?"

"Yeah." The salesmare smiled. "Fifty bits."

"What," Discord said flatly, "You just said it was twenty bits."

"That was yesterday," She answered.

"It was five minutes ago!" Discord yelled.

"All in the past." The salesmare waved a hoof. "If you want it, then fifty bits."

"Fine." Discord stormed off, an actual storm cloud hovering over him.

He snarled as he walked out, and saw Fluttershy purchasing apples down the street. He looked back at the hat, and a fierce gleam appeared in his eye.

"Stupid lens flare," Discord plucked the gleam out of his eye, "So overused."

He looked down the road and saw a disheveled stallion leaning against a brick wall. The stallion had a tin can in front of him, and held a sign stating 'will work for food'. Discord came and plopped down beside him. Discord looked closely at the stallion.

"Is this how you get work?" Discord asked him.

"Not really," The stallion confessed, "Gets you a few bits though."

Discord snapped his fingers and held up a cardboard sign stating 'will chaos 4 bits'.

Discord and the stallion sat together for a while. Occasionally a pony would deposit a few bits into the hobo's can. Discord looked at the tin can. More bits were tossed into it. Discord slid the can over in front of him. No bits fell into it. He slid the tin can in front of the hobo. More bits fell into it. Discord slid it back in front of him. No bits fell. Back in front of the hobo. More bits. Back to Discord. No bits. Back to hobo. Bits. Back. No bits. Back. Bits.

"We make a great team," Discord commented.

"I'm not splitting this with you," The hobo stated.

"I never!" Discord yelled, "After all we've been through. We were friends once. The closest friends ever seen."

"Who are you again?" The hobo asked.

Discord harrumphed and crossed his arms, refusing to look at the hobo.

"I'll forgive you if I get an even half," Discord offered.

"No," The hobo answered.

"sixty-forty?" Discord asked.

"Discord!" Applejack stumbled across him. "The hay do you think you're doing?"

"I'm working." Discord raised his cardboard sign proudly.

"No, that's not working." Applejack turned to the hobo, "No offense."

The hobo nodded.

"There's a hat that Fluttershy really wants," Discord explained, "But it costs a lot of bits, so I'm working to get the money."

"This isn't going to get you much money," Applejack contested.

"But Sugar Swirl here has plenty of money now," Discord pointed at the hobo, "I just gave you a name. You're welcome."

"That's not my name," Sugar Swirl said, "But yeah, few more days of this, and no more sleeping under a bridge for me."

Applejack tossed a few bits into the tin can.

"Can I have some?" Discord asked.

"No," Applejack answered.

"But you gave Sugar Swirl money," Discord whined, "I'm doing the same job as him."

"First of all, Sugar is homeless," Applejack lectured, "Second, that's not a job."

"That's not fair!" Discord yelled.

"How much does the hat cost?" Applejack asked.

"Fifty bits," Discord pouted.

"Fifty bits?" Applejacks jaw dropped. "I didn't think Fluttershy would go for something that expensive."

"Well, it was only twenty bits when she was looking at it," Discord admitted, "And she didn't actually ask for it."

"All right, sug," Applejack sighed, "I got a job for you."

"Does that involve working?" Discord asked.

"Darn tootin'." Applejack pushed him along, "You're going to clean out the hen house."

"That doesn't sound too bad." Discord walked with her.

"No chaos magic," Applejack ordered.

"Still." Discord waved his hand, "Only one hen house, how hard can it be?"

The Apple family's hen house was two hundred feet long, and twelve feet high. Discord's left eye twitched as he looked at it. Applejack gave him a dust mask, which he graciously put on.

"Not even a little chaos magic?" He asked.

"Nope," Applejack said, her voice muffled by the dust mask.

Inside the hen house were wooden slates, each weighing a hundred pounds. Discord and Applejack carried them together, set them outside, where Applebloom waited with a garden hose. Discord grimaced when his feet sunk into the filth beneath the crates. The sickening ammonia stung his nostrils. Once during the work, he tripped and fell on his face. Applebloom hosed off his mug for him. Before sundown, they had the large hen house spotless.

"I am never eating another egg," Discord swore.

"Sure," Applejack replied and turned to Applebloom, "Round up the chickens."

"Scootaloo!" Applebloom yelled, "Scoo-Scoo-Scootaloo!"

"Applebloom," Applejack covered her face with her hat, "Do you want to try that again?"

"Sure!" Applebloom smiled. "Scootaloo!"

The hens ran back inside. Discord peaked his head into the house. It was now as filthy as when they had started.

"Those are the most filthy animals in existence." Discord commented.

"No doubt about that," Applejack agreed, "Now about your payment."

"Fifty bits?" Discord asked.

"Ten," Applejack offered.

"Ten!" Discord yelled, "Ten!"

Applebloom whispered in his ear.

"Oh." He smiled, "I can't do a bit less then fifty."

"You trying to put my family in the poor house?" Applejack accused, "Twenty."

"I might be able to do forty-five." Discord examined his nails.

"Thirty," Applejack increased her offer.

"I might be able to go as low as forty." Discord filed his nails.

"Thirty-eight." Applejack offered.

"Thirty-eight and a half!" Discord yelled.

Applebloom whispered in his ear again.

"Oh." He shook Applejack's hoof, "Thirty-eight then."

The warm sunlight of dawn touched the eaves, rooftops, and awnings of the marketplace. A particularly thin stallion, whose name was most certainly not Sugar Swirl, dropped a bag of bits in front of a realtor. A milliner counted out her bits carefully, restocking her cash register in anticipation of the morning rush. Discord raised a hand to shield his eyes from the bright mix of pinks, reds, and yellows that stained the sky. Fluttershy simply lowered the brim of her hat, with a wide grin on her face