The Canterlot Asylum

by Tomsketchit

Rating: teen
Tags: Gore, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Pinkie Pie, Tragedy, Princess Celestia, Dark
Length: 4443

Pinkie Pie goes to examine a new mental hospital in Canterlot. Everything looks fine... that is, until she meets a patient who begs to differ. A sequel of sorts to "The Mentally Unstable Wing of Ponyville Hospital" by TwistedSkittles.

One year ago, Pinkie Pie made a terrible discovery about Ponyville's Hospital. In its basement, anypony who was deemed 'mentally unwell' by the staff were locked up, beaten, and basically ensured to never see the outside world again. And for knowing too much, Pinkie soon joined these patients. However, thanks to the efforts of her friends and an enigmatic brown Earth pony, she and the other victims of the "Mentally Unstable Wing" were released to rejoin society.

Now, Princess Celestia has offered Pinkie an opportunity to further help this medical field. Massive reforms had gone through the mental health profession following the discovery of these heinous actions in peaceful Ponyville, and Celestia wants Pinkie, as one of the survivors who are still a) available and b) mentally suitable/unscarred enough for the job. A new asylum has opened in Canterlot, hoping to cure the surprisingly many ponies whose mental issues are too great for normal psychiatry to fix, and Celestia wants Pinkie to go through and review the place to ensure that what happened to her and her new friends doesn't happen here.

At first, all seems satisfactory. But then she takes a step into the part of the building where they kept the... dangerous patients. Not dangerous to themselves... dangerous to others. There, she meets a strange stallion. The guards call him "The Canterlot Ripper". The doctors call him "Soup Kitchen". He... he calls himself Straight Razor. And he has a second opinion on how things are run around here.

Made as a sequel to an interesting fic called The Mentally Unstable Wing of Ponyville Hospital by TwistedSkittles.

My Little Ponies and all related characters belong to Hasbro. Mind Twist is an OC of TwistedSkittles from her stories. Straight Razor is my OC from here.

Cover art by myself.

(10/7: Changed Sad tag to Comedy. With how many jokes I put in this, I figured it would be more fitting.)

Note: This version is cancelled. HOWEVER, I'm planning on doing a reboot of it, one that is a standalone instead of a sequel.

Published 2013-10-05 19:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-10-07 22:51:28 UTC

Inspection Day Part 1

Inspection Day (Part One)

Doctor Mental Check paced in the front office of his hospital. Today, a special inspector, hoof chosen by the Princesses themselves to look over his asylum, was on her way. She was going to be arriving any minute, and he was worried.

He didn't quite know why this terrified him so much. His hospital was top notch, and had passed the other inspections with flying colors. Maybe it was the fact that those other inspectors were so stiff and strict, examining every detail, that this frightened him. Maybe this inspector would be even worse since the Princesses had chosen her specifically to be the final inspector. Maybe it was because the fact that the Princesses were calling for this in the first place made it seem like they were questioning this place! Maybe he was about to be out of the job!!

He shook his head quickly. He was letting himself get too worked up over this. It would be fine, just like always! Everything was in top condition, and there was nothing that the inspector could find fault in here!

These assurances definitely helped him brighten his mood... but there was still that nagging fear in the back of his mind...

But he no longer had time to deal with these fears. He could see that the inspector was walking through the door, and he put on a smile to go greet her.

Pinkie Pie was so excited! Princess Celestia had chosen HER to go out make sure this hospital was doing awesome at its job! It was a super big honor for her, and she wanted to make sure she did her job to the best of her abilities! She would make sure this place was doing everything it should be doing. Not just for the Princesses... but for herself as well...

For there was a special reason why she had been chosen, and why she had been so eager to help out.

One year ago, she'd made a terrible discovery. She had seen Nurse Redheart forcefully dragging away a friendly, if not a little bit eccentric, pony named Screw Loose, and wanted to know why. She had done some snooping around the Ponyville hospital, and found the basement, where they kept the 'mentally disturbed' patients. What she found there horrified her!

Derpy, being mocked for her eyes, being told that there was nothing special or good about her because of them.

Screwball, who was forced into straight jackets and restrained to the ground to prevent the bizarre Earth pony from flying with her propeller hat.

Screw Loose, who was whipped and beaten for thinking she was a dog.

Princess Luna... sent by her sister, who had no idea what the place was like. Locked up, prevented from using magic, treated like she was a blood-thirsty monster.

Mind Twist. A filly who had been put there by the staff when they didn't want to tell her that her parents had died. Now a grown mare with a short temper and incredible strength due to the experiments the staff had put her through.

And finally... for knowing too much...

Pinkie herself.

It had been a nightmare in that place. Beatings from the guards and nurses for no reason. Torture everyday. Everyday being made to eat slop, being locked in cells, not being allowed to see the light of day, being told that nopony liked you and you had no hope in life...

That wasn't a hospital... that was hell itself.

But thanks to her friends and a strange pony who called himself 'The Doctor', Pinkie and all the others were able to escape and begin to lead somewhat normal lives.

The hospital was shut down until better staff could be found. Reforms were made to ensure that no place could do such things again. A board of inspectors was founded to look over any and all mental hospitals.

But Princess Celestia had a specific interest in the Canterlot Asylum. Some of the patients there were even more special than most, and she wanted to make sure that it was up to standard. So she and her sister had decided... who would know an asylum better than somepony who had spent time in one?

Pinkie was the only reasonable choice.

Derpy had vanished with the Doctor shortly after escaping. Nopony had seen her since.

Screwball was currently staying with Discord, and it wasn't sure whether or not she would be able to do such a thing.

Screw Loose still thought she was a dog, and was happily staying with Pinkie as her pet.

Luna was too biased. She had had it particularly bad there, and was against mental institutions as a whole. But she understood their purpose, and had conceded that they should still exist. Still, she would not step a hoof anywhere near one. Too many bad memories...

As for Mind Twist, she was still going through therapy, trying to get her to understand that her parents were dead, that she hadn't been a bad daughter, and that she could still move on and have a happy life. Besides... her situation was similar to Luna's... only worse. It was feared that should she step hoof into one of those places again... somepony might get hurt.

So Pinkie, being the only wholly sane and available survivor of that place, was the obvious (and only) choice. And she was overjoyed to be able to help out!

But she had had enough reminiscing over those dark, hopeless days! Besides, she was here!

As she stepped through the door, she saw a doctor approaching her. At first he looked like he was going to greet her and welcome her to the hospital. But then... his face took on a confused, quizzical look. "I'm sorry, ma'am, can I help you?"

Pinkie smiled. She saw what was going on. This stallion didn't think she was the inspector! Why, she couldn't possibly tell? Did he expect all inspectors to be all stuffy and boring?

"Hi! I'm Pinkie Pie! Party planner, pastry chef, Element of Laughter bearer, and now, asylum inspector! I'm here to inspect your asylum at the Princess' request!"

The doctor's eyes widened and he took on a nervous grin. "OH! Of course! How silly of me, welcome, inspector Pie! I am Dr. Mental Check, and I would like to welcome to our hospital! If you'll please follow me, I'll show you around."

Pinkie Pie bounced a little as she followed the doctor. "Okie Dokie Loki!"

Inspection Day Part 2

Inspection Day (Part Two)

Dr. Mental Check, head of the Canterlot Asylum, sighed inwardly. He was currently in the process of showing this... inspector... Pinkie Pie around his hospital, and so far (the past five minutes) he could already tell this was going to be a long, tiring day. He didn't think very highly of her, to be honest. She was young, bubbly, seemed to take NOTHING seriously, and likely unqualified for this job. Why she had come so highly recommended by the Princesses was a mystery to him. She almost seemed more like a patient than someone who was here to observe them...

Though she had called herself an inspector and an Element of Harmony bearer, he didn't quite trust this mare.

The mare in question was currently bouncing happily behind him, a wide grin on her face. Her mind was a buzz, mostly with irrelevant thoughts that popped up every two second, but predominantly with what observations she had already noted about the place.

Wow, this place is really big! I mean the outside almost made it look like a fort! Kinda... well not scary really more like what's that word... intimidating! Yeah, that's it! And a moat around it? Puh-lease even Canterlot Castle doesn't have one of those... or does it, because it would make sense to have one, but I don't remember ever seeing it, but of course we really don't need something like that actually, so... oh right inspecting! Well, so far this place has seemed a lot nicer! I don't feel as scared as I did when I went into Ponyville Hospital's rooms. Sheesh that place was nasty! Oh, wait, I think whats-his-name-oh-right-Mental-Check is talking!

Indeed he was, oblivious to the fact that she hadn't been paying attention.

"I am sure that everything will be up to your standards, Miss Pie. We have followed all of the latest protocols, and have passed every review with flying colors."

Pinkie smiled as she responded, "Oh, I know they will! I helped write those new protocols, you know? I'm just here to make sure that this is a nice happy place for your patients. And really, please call me Pinkie!"

Mental Check rolled his eyes. "Of course, Miss Pie."

Back in his own thoughts, he scoffed the idea of HER being one of the founders of this new system for mental health care. Yes, it was true this plan called for, as she so childishly put it, "a nice happy place" for the patients, as an important part of any asylum, but that did not mean anything to him. His objectives were to cure these ponies so that they could return to normal, peaceful lives. Yes, making them happy was important, but it could not come first and foremost in this field. What came before all else was keeping them from hurting themselves... or others.

"Now, for our first stop. The basic cells. This is where we keep our lesser cases. The ponies who aren't dangerous and don't have any sort of mysterious disorders; just ponies who can be left alone mostly and can be easily treated."

This part of the Asylum was a series of long hallways, with plain white doors leading to plain white rooms. There were only a few guards in this hall, just to lead them back to their room should they wander out when unsupervised. Security was obviously very lax here. Pinkie made a point of looking into each and every room, even entering a few with the doctor's permission. Most of the patients sat quietly and stared into space, some almost seemed dead at how still they lay, and others talked to themselves as if in the company of others. And when Pinkie tried to speak with these ponies, many didn't seem to hear her. At one mare where this was the case, the doctor explained what had happened to her.

"She was a rather high-society mare, liked by many of the Canterlot elite. She had a caring and relatively wealthy husband that she apparently loved very much. So much, that after his untimely death due to some unknown allergy, she fell into such a state of grief that she stuck like this, believing herself to be at a large social event, one that happened before her husband's death. We've been trying to snap her out of it so she can come to terms for a few weeks now. Enough stimuli can get her to notice her surroundings, but it only lasts a short moment. But come, come, there is still much to see..."

The next stop they came to was the dining hall. It was a large room; Pinkie judged that she could fit half of the ponies in Ponyville in here! Of course, why she would only want half of every pony was beyond her. That would be rude... and kind of gross.

Cafeteria tables, bolted down to the floor, lined the sterile-looking room. At the far side Pinkie could see the kitchen, where several ponies were hard at work cooking and making food for the patients. A few of said patients where seated, eating their meals. It was all ordinary cafeteria food, like what you would expect out of a school or a regular hospital. Pinkie smiled at this. Much better than the other place... all they had gotten there was something gray, lumpy, and unappetizing.

Pinkie looked around at the patients seated. Some ate quietly, almost mechanically. Others seemed relatively normal, except for a few nervous ticks here and there. One pony had a manic grin on his face, as he sat next to two guards. He was clad in a straight jacket, holding his forelimbs to his sides. One of the guards had to feed him his meal, and didn't seem to mind too much.

Doctor Check must have noticed her confused look as she watched this patient eat, because he pointed a hoof over to him.
"Poor fellow has some sort of nervous disorder. Never stops smiling, laughs at random, fairly normal... the problem is that if left unsupervised, he begins to bang his head against things... that's why the guards have to stay next to him at all times when he's out of his padded safety room."

Pinkie nodded in understanding, then briefly noticed a nurse followed by three guards pushing a cart with a small vat on it. She wondered what that was about and what was in the vat, but shrugged it off. It could wait until later.

"Now, in this part of the building is where we have some of our special cases. Down that way is the Unknown Wing, where ponies with disorders we haven't been able to diagnose are kept for study. This way is the Safety Wing, for ponies such as that stallion you saw earlier whose disorder could cause them to harm themselves. And lastly... well, you'll have to see to believe this one."

He led her down this special wing, which looked similar to the other wing except that... the doors seemed to be painted gold. And at the end of the hall was a large room. Inside there were several ponies, many in hospital gowns, but a few in more regal-looking attire, strutting around, talking, and otherwise seeming quite normal.

"I don't get it Doc? What's so special about here? These ponies look fine to me."

The doctor simply smirked at her. "Alright then. Go talk to them. But a word of warning: whatever they say is true, agree with them."

"Okey Dokey Lokey!"

Pinkie Pie bounced up to a mare admiring herself in a large mirror.

"Hi! I'm Pinkie Pie, who are you?"

The mare turned with a raised eyebrow, and gave her a look of disgusted contempt.
"I, you filthy commoner, am OBVIOUSLY Princess Celestia. Honestly, you filthy, ignorant Earth ponies know nothing of the world at large. Now shoo, away with you! Your very presence may ruin my beautiful mane!"

Pinkie, confused but not wanting to further disturb her or disobey Mental's orders, went over to another pony, a stallion who sat calmly on a large cushion, who greeted her with a kind smile.

"Hello, I'm Pinkie Pie!"

"Ah! Pinkie Pie, one of my most faithful subjects! Wonderful to see you again! Tell me, how is dear Twilight doing with her friendship studies? It's simply been ages since she's sent one."

Pinkie didn't miss a beat as she answered, "Oh, she's been really busy running the library. I'll be sure to tell her you've been waiting!"

The stallion let out a light, strangely angelic sounding laugh. "Thank you, but don't trouble yourself on my account, please. I'm sure she'll get around to it eventually. Well, it was lovely seeing you again, Pinkie. Have a nice day!"

"You too, Princess!" she responded to the satisfied stallion as she went off to try again.

And again, and again, and again...

After the tenth try, she returned to the amused doctor.

"Wow! They all think that they're Celestia?!"

Dr. Mental Check nodded. "This is the Celestia Ward. We aren't sure if it's the truth in all cases, but some ponies try so hard to be like Celestia that they end up convincing themselves they truly are Celestia."

"Wow! But if they all think that they are Celestia, then how do the deal with each other thinking they're Celestia too?"

"Every single one of them is completely aware that they are spending time here in the Celestia Ward. They simply think they are visiting for some safety purpose or another. And they also know that the other patients are not mentally right, and simply pretend to believe the others while concealing themselves. Each one thinks that they are the real Celestia. Some even go so far as to say that the pony on the throne was put there to mimic themselves in case of an assassination attempt, or that they are a crazed fan or imposter who has seized power in their own absence."

Pinkie gazed around the room. "Wow! That... is... crazy! But why did some of them act like Celestia and some of them didn't? That one mare called me a filthy Earth pony! Celestia would never say that!"

"Keep in mind that they are basing themselves off of what they know or perceive Celestia to be like. Many ponies have never seen or heard from Celestia, leading to them basing their opinions off of their own beliefs."

She just nodded in understanding, watching the not-Celestia ponies in complete awe.

Most of the rest of her tour didn't go quite as eventful. She looked over things, made sure that the patients were treated right. For the most part though things started getting a little boring for the energetic Pinkie Pie. Nothing that interesting had happened after leaving the Celestia Ward (well, except maybe another straight jacket wearing stallion yelling out "Iä! Shub-Niggurath! The Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young!" and that one old mare who kept murmuring "Wabbajack!" over and over).

So far, she had no complaints about this place. It seemed that they truly were taking care of the patients, making sure that they were happy and cared for while they treated them for their sicknesses. Things seemed nice here. But there was a nagging feeling like there was something else...

"Well, Miss Pie, it seems that your time here has come to a close. You've seen all we've had to show. Now then, if your inspection is complete, we would be happy to hear your decision here and now."

Pinkie looked to the annoyed Doctor. Something didn't feel right here... She thought it over... she thought... she thought some more...

Finally, she looked up and smiled. "I'm sorry, but I think I may need some more time to look around. I've liked what I've seen. Buuuut it's not enough. I want to know EVERYTHING, and I don't think just one little tour is going to let me know everything about this place. So, if you don't mind, I'll just have a look around on my own, maybe see some of you doing your jobs, might spend a few days here... until I can get a clearer picture of how it's working here, so that I can give you AND Celestia a clear report. Okey dokey lokey?"

He stared at her a moment, a slight twitch to his eye, before he gave her a forced grin, saying as calmly as possible, "Of course, Miss Pie. Anything it takes to show you that we take our job VERY seriously, and that we do our best to help our patients."

Pinkie nodded, smiling. "Okay, well I'm going to go look around. Don't worry, I won't cause trouble! I'll be out of here before you know it."

And before Mental Check could respond, she was gone, a pink blur in her wake.

He stood blinking at this... then place a hoof to his forehead and sighed. "This... cannot end well... damn it..."

Prologue: Just Another Day in the Asylum...

Just Another Day in the Asylum...

Today was Bent Blade's first day on the job as a Royal Guard, and he was determined NOT to buck it up. He had just barely passed through the academy, and that was after several years of almost getting his flank kicked out for screwing up nearly everything he did.

Light those torches along the wall, Bent.
NO YOU IDIOT THAT'S A POWDER KEG!!

Yeah... Not some of his better days...

But he was determined that today, he was NOT going to do ANYTHING that could lose him this job. Besides, from the sound of it, he had it easy.

How hard could it possibly be to just stand outside some nutjob's cell for a few hours?

One Hour Later...

"OH SWEET CELESTIA! HE'S GOTTEN OUT AGAIN!"

Bent Blade lay on the floor of his charge's cell, bleeding out from the gash in his stomach from where the stallion had taken Bent's pike. He weakly tried to remember what had happened as the panicked screams of nurses, doctors, and guards alike rang out, accompanied occasionally by a manic laughter... how had this happened to him? How had he screwed up? How did life buck him THIS badly?!

"Okay rookie, here he is. Just stand here, and point your weapon at the door to discourage any funny business when it's opened for his food delivery."

"Alright Captain, sound easy enough. So what poor nut's in he-OLY SHIT!! What is wrong with him?!"

"Let me guess. He's sitting against the far wall, staring at you as if he knew you were about to look through the grate at that moment."

"Well... yeah. And... what's with that... mask? It's creepy... too creepy for my taste..."

"It's for protection. It prevents him from using his horn in addition to preventing any biting. Hasn't stopped him from trying, but it stops him from doing it."

"Still... do they have to make it so cre-OH CELESTIA HE'S GONE!! Oh no oh no oh no how did he just disappear!?"

"Relax, rookie, he does that all the time. He's just trying to see if he can trick some poor sap into opening the door so he can jump out from behind it and esca-WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!?!"

...

In retrospect, maybe opening the cell door was a bad call.

That was the last thing that ran through his head... before the blood loss finally made him black out.

Two Hours Later...

They had finally captured the 'patient', and had him restrained in the corner of his room as punishment for his behavior.

"Now, my friend, please behave yourself. You left behind quite a... mess for us to deal with, this time," the head doctor said to his patient before turning to leave.

"Hey... doc..." whispered a chilling, mocking tone. The doctor turned to his patient and raised an eyebrow. "Yes?"

"Mind bringing me some of that 'mess'? I'd be more than happy to help take it off your hooves... Besides, I've been waiting for something better than that filth you call food for awhile, and I'd hate for good delicacies to go to waste with how you ponies treat them."

The doctor shook his head as he shut the cell door. "I don't know what we're going to do with him... but we have to keep trying. Or... at least make sure he can't do that out in public... not again."

A nurse quickly ran up to the doctor, a clipboard levitating beside her. "Sir? We have urgent news."

"More urgent than cleaning up eleven dead bodies, contacting the families, and making arrangements for funerals? What in Equestria could be more important than that?"

The nurse passed him the clipboard. His pupils shrunk as he read it. He looked at the nurse. "When did you get this?"

"Just a few minutes ago, sir. It came in during the breakout."

The doctor rubbed a hoof against his forehead. "No no no... oh, why tomorrow? And why does the Princess have to make this such short notice?! An inspector, coming TOMORROW?! And we've already been through so many inspections! Why one more?!"

The nurse pointed out some of the finer details that the doctor had missed in his quick scan of the letter. "It says here that the Princesses view her as an expert on this sort of thing. It even mentions that Luna knew of no other pony better suited for the job. AND this pony is apparently one of the ones who started the whole mental health reformation in the first place!"

The head doctor merely nodded his head wearily. "Right then, let's get everything ship shape for early tomorrow then... now if you'll excuse me... I have some letters to write..."

In the dim cell, the patient smiled. It had been a fun day.

"Let's see now... two doctors... seven guards... and two nurses. Hmph. Should have killed more of those guards. So close to beating my record... Well, whatever!"

He laughed to himself as he recalled the expressions on their faces, how easy it had been.

These ponies... they are so soft... so weak... they don't deserve life! Why should they live!? WHY, WHEN-

He shook his head fiercely. He had been slipping into those thoughts again. The thoughts that hurt, that made him angry, and made him kill more than usual. If it weren't for the fact that the headaches that always accompanied these thought were devastating, he would have them more often!

His ears flicked slightly, hearing talk of something special tomorrow. The Good Doctor might have thought he couldn't hear, that the door and walls were too thick. But they weren't, and combined with his advanced sense of hearing, he could faintly make out what the Good Doctor and his little assistant were talking about.

A pony? Coming to visit, to look at this glorious hellhole? Sounds like fun! And to top it off, they apparently know something about madhouses, enough that one of those bitches that everypony calls Princesses actually is vouching for them? Double the fun! Heheheheheeeh!

He knew that he wouldn't want to miss out on tomorrow. Tomorrow sounded like it would be a good day for him. He would have a guest... and who knows? He might even manage to break out twice in a row!

After letting out another laugh, he sat quietly, a smile upon his face.

Then... he began to sing a little...

Author's Note

(10/7) Okay, so earlier today I added more to this. Apparently it didn't save, and it has reverted back to its original state. Which bugs me. I'll fix it late, but right now I am tired of writing. Which sucks because now I have to go write...

(11/4) Just found out that song lyrics are forbidden, basically. So I took out that bit at the end. Damn, I was going to do a lot more song references. Ah well, moving on then.