Steak

by a guy with many hats

Rating: mature
Tags: Dark, Comedy
Length: 2622

Colgate has always been rather particular about teeth, and something about a vegetarian diet just urked her the wrong way, something about having hay between her teeth. Certainly a change of diet cant hurt. Right?

Colgate has always been rather particular about teeth, and something about a vegetarian diet just urked her the wrong way, something about having hay between her teeth. Certainly a change of diet cant hurt. Right?

[size=24]WARNING: CONTAINS NUTS…..and cannibalism[/size]
pony cannibals…
….also its not very good….

*why did I do this?!*

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-10-05 23:20:03 UTC

Something lean

"Oh come on..." I lazily tongued between my teeth, "Just...a little more....UGH!" I shouted throwing my head back, hair cascading over my chair, "This is the absolute worst!" A single piece of hay stuck tightly between my two front teeth, "Just, COME ON!" I managed to press the center of my tongue against the base of the stalk and push it out, "AH- Finally!" I spit it out into the dentistry sink, "Ohhhh sweet Celestia....bugging me all day." I turned away from the sink to see my assistant standing in the door frame, I felt the blood rush to my face, "Oh....hi!....did you need something?"

"...One Rainbow Dash: said she thinks she chipped a tooth in a flying accident," She quickly turned away, leaving an annoyed Rainbow maned mare in her place.

She gave a quick snort and walked in my office, "Rainbow Dash?" She nodded still not making eye contact, "....Are you alright?" She shook her head, "...care to tell me why not?" She gave a quick, wide grin, a small piece of her third molar missing, "Oh....wow, that's....we should really fix that, welp...hop on up!" I swiveled the chair around to her.

She gave an annoyed, apprehensive glance at me and the chair, "are you -tsure tshis will work?"

I stifled a laugh much to her anger, "Yes I'm sure! I can make it like it never happened!" She rolled her eyes, but eventually made her way to the seat, I spun her around and laid her back, "Alright! Lets take a look in there!" I levitated my tools in place and got ready, "Right, say AHHHhhhh" She just grimaced, "....say Ahhhh...."

"ahhhhAH-" I jammed the mirror in and used it to keep her mouth open.

"Huh....you really did a number on it...you should stop running into mountains! Heh..." She narrowed her eyes but kept her mouth open, "Alright....you're not scared of needles right?" Her eyes shot wide open "....so that's a yes?....well we do have gas...but,"

"illtakhegash!" She mumbled nearly chewing on the mirror.

"Well....alright..." I found the mask and turned the valve, "Just....breathe deep..." I set the mask over her muzzle, "Count back from three...and...out, perfect!" I turned off the valve and got ready to clean up the chip, "Huh...." I looked down across her stomach, I could just barely see her muscles under her belly, rising and falling slowly as she breathed, "I wonder...." I set the tools down and slid over to the door and locked it. I quickly pushed off the door and over to Dash, "....huh..." I gave her stomach a quick poke, it gave slightly before reaching her muscles which were absolutely exceptional. "....just...." I ran my hoof along the outline of her muscles, "...I'm gonna do it..." I leaned in pressing my muzzled against her stomach, I stuck my tongue out meeting her stomach, I pressed my lips against her and gave a quick bite. Even only nipping the very edge of her flesh was wondrous, the way it gave as my teeth sank in, the way it felt between my teeth. My thought ran rampant about the texture and consistency. I wanted more.

"Huhuh~?" Oh...I'd better fix her tooth before she wakes up. I pulled myself along the chair and held her jaw open and prepped my drill. Just needed to clear out the bits of broken tooth and set a resin in it's place.

"careful....carefulllll....and...got it!" I pulled the drill back, "Nice and clean!" I grabbed the applicator for the resin and quickly remoulded the tooth, "Perfect! You'd never be able to tell! .....now what...." I twirled in my chair, "..." I locked in on her mouth now, ".....just....really quick...just a bite," I leaned in and waited over her mouth, my face absolutely on fire, "I can't do this....but then again....no....ehhhh..." I quickly dove down and took her lower lip into my mouth. I rolled her lip between my teeth, giving it just the slightest pressure. It was soft yet firm, a good bite might just tear it away.

"-olgate?!" She tried to jerk back, only finding the chair, I quickly pushed off the chair and slam my back into a counter. She shot upright, "WHAT WAS THAT.....he-hey my tooth! WAIT NO!" She struggled to get upright, "WHAT WAS THAT! LET ME UP! I CAN-" In one quick stroke I turned on the gas and shoved the mask onto her muzzle, "WHat are...you..."

"Shhhh, just...go to sleep.....CRAP!" I quickly rummaged through the drawers and found several cases of floss, "EUGHHHH" I quickly wound it around her legs several times, "Sorry sorry sorry sorry!" Once it was strong enough and tight enough it gave me some time to think, "......well I'm not going to the dungeon!" I made my mind up right then and there, "Come on Rainbow..." I levitated her off the chair and to the floor. Once she was down I quickly dragged her into the hall and up the stairs to my house. "Just....stop making noise!" Her hoofs clacked together after each step. I hurried and managed to get her into my bathroom, "Just....stay here..." She looks so calm sitting in my tub, "I'll be right back!"

I hurried down the stairs and through the hall, sliding and into the lobby, "CREST!" The pale sea foam mare popped upright, "YOU'RE FIRED!"

"WHAT!?"

"Fired....."

"Why!?"

"Because....you're fired.....now get out." She sputtered some weird phrases and grunts and quickly pushed out the front door, "....why did I do that.....CREST!" I rushed out the door but sure enough she had bid a hasty retreat, "....double crap..."

"Dash just stop!" She kicked my shampoo bottles over and managed to chew through the soap I had stuffed in her mouth, "Dash you're gonna choke!" She looked like she was about to say something when she inhaled the chunk of soap in her mouth, "DASH!" Wait....this could be it....I could do this! No I can't...it's against pony decency. But I do hate hay....no...yes....no...yes....NO I CAN'T "Dash! .....oh.....oh my....." While I was having my internal struggled Dash had managed to get the chunk of soap stuck in her throat, her eyes had rolled back in her head and she had stopped moving.

".....CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAAAAAAAAAAP!" I panicked dancing on my hooftips, "NOnonononono! Dash!?" I poked her a few times, nothing, "Dash.....please....come on..." I gave a last poke, eliciting a final muscle spasm, "Oh....well....I.....huh....." I walked out of the bathroom, ".....well....I guess....I could....flush her? No....well....I don't know how else she's going to leave....and I haven't had dinner yet....ohhhh....I just- aw screw it!" I ran to my kitchen, whether or not I was going to do this I needed to think about getting rid of her.

I grabbed a few knives, "Huh...I feel....aren't I supposed to be feeling...worried? I mean not to brag but I think I'm handling this quite well!" I stepped back into my kitchen, suddenly I felt completely fatigued, "Op....there it is.....uh..." I set the knives down and sat next to her, "....how do I...." I levitated a knife over, "Do I just..." I gave her leg a quick poke, a small trickle of blood started to seep out, "Oh...so I guess..." I started poking her leg over and over again, "Maybe I should..." I gave her lower leg a quick slash, followed by a small gush of blood, "Oh geez!" I scrambled to prop her upright and keep her blood flowing down her and out her leg. "Wow....that's a lot of blood....WAIT IT'S GONNA CLOG!" I fumbled with the shower valve and turned it on full blast, diluting the blood to an acceptable level, "Phew....that woulda been awkward to explain...hehe heh...heh..." I slowly watched the red fluid leaking from her leg, "This is gonna take a while.....Maybe I should just cut a small-" I sunk a knife into her stomach, another spurt came out and landed on my bathroom rug, "....thanks Dash.....really...."

"Do do doo da da dooo!" A finished with the oven, a quick preheat was all it needed, now to check on Dash. "Oh Dash~ oh...wow....pale..." the entire base of my tub was painted red, dash however had went from a vibrant cyan to a pale baby blue. "Huh...kinda pretty...well, better see if..." I slowly got into position. I knew what I was aiming for but not how I was going to do it. "Here maybe? Like a square?" I slowly caved out a large section of her stomach, "Huh....this is kinda nice..." It gave with just the right amount of force to make it an absolute joy to cut. And with a quick, if sloppy, cut I had a small slab of rainbow meat, still dripping with blood, "Hm..." The remnants of rainbow were rather unappealing, a sloppy looking squishy mess. "What else is good....butts?" I pushed her to the side and poked her flank, it was really firm, even more so than her stomach. "Huh....I guess..." I sloppily brought the knife over and started cutting large chunks out of her flank.

Once It was done I set the meat in the sink and hurried to find a plate. With a plate at the ready I hurried back and tossed the meat onto the plate with a heavy thud, "Huh....I should," I levitated a knife over and quickly skinned off the bits of fur, her cutiemark perfectly preserved, "I'm totally keeping this..." I set it neatly on the sink counter.

With the meat mostly prepared I went into the kitchen and found a tray, "Roasting....that should work....right?" I threw the slabs onto two separate trays and tossed them in the oven, "....ok....now I wait?" Guess I'll...get rid of the rest...

"Eww...it's all squishy...." I stamped at her innards, "Gross....there has got to be a better way..." I gave it a long hard thought before deciding it would just be best to think about it later. I just focused on turning the insides into mush that could be put through the pipes.

*sniff* Oh....that's new...really...huh...what's that thing the griffons say? Savory? I hurried into my kitchen and looked into the stove, the slabs had turned to a deep tan, almost a pale brown, "Hmmm, well it smells good..." I pulled them out and set them on the top of the stove, "Knife....fork...plate...perfect!" I slowly pranced over to my table, "I can't believe it, it's happening!" I set the plate down with a thunk and got seated, "Perfect! Now...eat!....eat!....eat..NOW!....ponyfeathers...." I set the fork into the meat...."This was a lot better in my head...." I just sat there staring at the charred pony, "......butts....butts butts butts...ass....." There was a long standoff between me and the pony steak, "Come on! you already came this far!...even if you didn't mean it...." I leaned forwards pressing my muzzle against the meat, "I will beat you....you're not going to win this! .....just....give up....you've already lost! .....what am I doing....YOU'RE JUST FOOD! AHHHHHHH" I jammed my fork in and tore a piece away, "YOU'RE JUST FOOOOOOOOD!" I stuffed the hastily torn piece in my mouth and ran it across my tongue,

"MHM! . . . .Oh dear Celestia....this. is. amazing!" Slightly salty without over doing it, a taste slightly like hayfries without the dry texture, a perfect consistency, easy to chew, yet resistant. It tore away with just enough force, just enough to dig your teeth into without being tough. "Oh Rainbow....you always did strike me as salty....SOOoo ho ho hooo good...." I took another longer strip and placed it along my right cheek. "This would be great with some potato...maybe some carrots in a stew, Oh the possibilities!"

I took the last bite from Dash's stomach, "Mmmhmmm.....more..." I pulled the second plate over and quickly dug in, "Mmhmmm, mom always did say I loved butts.......huh..." I lazily forked another piece into my mouth, "This is...getting kind of...." I need to make this more tender or maybe I should sharpen my teeth, seems to work for the batponies.... I pulled another piece and looked at what was left, the flank slice had gone from a large round steak to almost a quarter, "Wow...I'm eating without even realizing it....Oh well, too good don't care!" I greedily stuffed the last of the meat into my mouth and started chewing. "Ah- rgrt- aal- at- onsh-" My mouth was overstuffed and barely able to grind the tender concoction into an edible paste.

I slowly managed to swallow the meaty paste, "Eugh....too much....gonna go...lay down..." I sloppily stumbled out of my kitchen and into my den, "Just a quick...phew...nap...then I guess...I should clean up....later....." I could feel an oddly warm and fuzzy feeling overwhelming me as I laid sprawled on the couch, "Ponies cant eat meat....pfff, I bet the princesses say that just so we don't eat everybody.....actually....well...." I rolled on my side and rubbed my now taught stomach, "Ohhh Dashie, you make me feel so full~" i gave a quick giggle before rolling back over and relaxing, "...I wonder what else I could eat...."

"Yuck....she's all....stiff..." I poked at her now ridged limbs, "Is this supposed to happen?" Well....I guess I cant do much now...better just...cut her up? I could see parts of her ribcage from where I had cut the meat away, "Huh...don't think knives are gonna cut it...heh...pun..." I quickly went downstairs into the business part of the building and found a hacksaw, "Always keep tools, no matter what. Thanks dad!" i hurried back up the stairs and found dash still as rigidly posed as before. "This doesn't feel right....I mean....what do I do with the head?" I pondered the prospect of keeping it while I quickly brought the saw to her leg and started lazily sawing, "....Keeping that hair...I wonder if it's just dyed..." I ran my hoof through her mane, silky soft and still slightly damp, "...she always did have a nice mane and tail....how long is this gonna take?" I hurried my sawing, "COME ONNnn!" this was going to take a while.

"Huh...I guess I can just toss it in the Everfree...but...I don't know....I wish I hadn't cut a slice out of her flank," I looked solemly at the perfect plot I had cut away from he backside, "That would make a great...if...no..that's not obscene right?" I pulled her tail to cover her privates, "No....that would make a great....ornament? trophy? Trophy sounds kinda weird...like I tried to kill her...but...I...no, she choked on soap! ....but...it was my soap..." At any rate her beautiful plot was ruined by the massive slice off the right flank, "Oh well...maybe next time....I mean...should there be a next time?" It was really good...but...no, I had this argument before....I'll leave it at a solid maybe.

This left me with her head, and a bundle of limbs, "Huh...she looks so sad..." I reached out and pulled her tounge out and made her smile, "Much better!" She looked ridiculous, "Yeah....this is how Rainbow would want to be, maybe...I should have got to know her better...

"Alright enough of this! Dash you were delicious, and you still make me smile even if you're just a head!" I rolled the left overs into my bathroom rug and set her head in my sink, "I'll figure something out later!" I quickly set the bundle of limbs on my back and hurried out towards the Everfree.

"Again?" I felt something lodged between my teeth again, "Just...oh wait!" I unbundled the bathroom rug and found her wings, I plucked a feather and used the sharp end to pick it out of my teeth, "Ahhh- Ah! A-HA! Colgate you're a genius...." I promptly re-wrapped the bundle and chucked it hard into the woods, "Timbre-wolves will enjoy that," See Colgate, you're a nice pony after all, feeding hapless animals and all...