Filthy Rich runs a sex shop

by Flint Sparks

Rating: mature
Tags: Sex, Crystal Ponies, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Comedy
Length: 1725

Filthy Rich learns the answer to the ultimate question: How do crystal ponies clop?

A young crystal mare comes to Ponyville, searching for the salvation of her kind. Filthy Rich, owner of Ponyville's only sex shop, is given the high honor of learning the answer to the ultimate question on everypony's mind:

How do crystal ponies clop?

Published 2013-10-05 22:30:04 UTC
Last updated 2013-10-05 22:30:04 UTC

Crystal caves are rock hard

“Hey baby, wanna shine?” a stallion shouted while his friend catcalled at the passing mare.

“Shove off,” the mare spat back. She continued walking, paying the perverts no mind.

Her appearance, unfortunately, had attracted the wrong crowd of stallions. Wearing a full body pink robe, a large scarlet hat, and large sunglasses had intended to hide her true appearance, but came with some unfortunate side effects. Even with the heavy attire, her crystal hooves reflected the sunlight.

The mare had traveled by train to visit Ponyville, finally leaving behind the Crystal Empire. She `had worn excessive clothing to avoid given off the exotic allure a crystal pony was bound to give off, but her harlot-styled clothing had given her a whole different load of attention. It infuriated her. Nopony had seen a crystal pony in their lifetime, and the first thing that came to their minds when observing a member of a rare and ancient race is mounting it.

Stallions never change,she thought, somewhat bemused. Crystal, pegasus, earth, unicorn, and even dragons were complete perverts. The only male she had met on the train that didn’t stare at her flank like an ass was… well, an ass. The donkey was very kind and had offered to introduce her to one of the more welcoming ponies in Ponyville, but the mare had declined. As fun as the offer sounded, she was on a mission. A quest for her ponies.

She trotted past a few stores with shifty eyes, searching for the right one. She passed by a bakery, a library, an apothecary, and a… dictionary? She took a minute to watch a small white filly flip through the pages, mumbling words to herself. Perhaps she’s studying for a test. Surely a filly has better things to do than memorize a book like that!

The perplexed mare shook her head and continued on her way, searching for the end of her incredible journey. Street after street, stopping only to take a corner and scan the surroundings. Each search in an alley ended fruitlessly. The sun traveled its path until it began to kiss the horizon. Was I wrong? Maybe I should give u-

“Oof!” The mare’s thoughts were interrupted as somepony slammed into her side. Her hat and sunglasses flew off as she landed onto her side. Her head spun and barrel throbbed in pain. It took a moment for her to regain cognitivity; a moment later she groaned and pulled herself up. The stallion who had run into her was faring worse. His head, previously resting on her barrel after the crash, dropped to the ground with a sickening thud.

“Hey buddy, you alright?” the crystal mare asked, foregoing her accessories to the pleasure of the whistling stallions. The brown stallion sported a posh-styled black mane. He groaned after she poked him with her muzzle, slowly roused to consciousness.

“Ugh… what happened?” he murmured as the mare supported him with her shoulder. He shook his head to clear it before regaining his bearings. His body jolted and he made to gallop.

The mare dashed in front of him, blocking his path. “Whoa buddy,” she warned, shaking her head. The stallion frowned and pawed the ground.

“Sorry madam, but I must be off! My shop cannot open itself!” he complained, trying to sidestep his way past. The crystal pony mirrored his movements and prevented his progress.

“A likely story. You just ran into me and that’s all I get? What kind of store you got?” she asked, somewhat curious. It was highly unlikely, but he might be able to help her find the right market street. It was good business for a shopkeeper to keep track of his neighbors to maximize everypony’s profits. A candy store would not do well if opened near a liquor store, for example. Judging by his cutie mark, he was probably a teller so there was a chance.

The stallion’s eyes shifted in both directions, ensuring nopony was eavesdropping. Many gazes laid on the mare, but no ears were particularly perked. Satisfied, the stallion leaned forward toward her ear.

“I run a particular business, a hobby in fact, for the citizens of this quiet little town.” He blushed and turned away. Questions left unanswered, the mare placed a hoof on his shoulder and pulled him back. He sighed and continued. “Notice how many mares live in this town?”

The mare nodded before cocking her head. “Sure, there’s a lot of them around. But certainly the stallions are… eager enough to handle them?” Her voice had a taint of honest confusion. The Crystal Empire had the same problem, but the mares learned to handle it in a specialized manner. Basic procedure was taught in the beginning of adulthood, before the mares’ first estrus.

The stallion sighed. “Mayor Mare and I have a… special agreement. In return for handling the ‘desires’ of the citizens, I am in turn able to handle the finances of the town and keep it out of undesirable hooves.” He shuddered momentarily.

“What kind of desires?” Could he be..?

The stallion looked both directions, blushing, and whispered in her ear the name of his shop. Immediately she brought into a hug and squealed in joy.

“M-madam?!” he stuttered, sweating in the heated forelegs of the mare. Her coat had concealed it, but now he could smell the musky scent of a heated mare. It smelled like freshly cut diamonds. Strangely enough, that turned him on. The diamonds, not the mare.

She squealed and squeezed him further. “Yes! YES!!” She puckered her lips and kissed the top of his lovely mane. “Mwah!”

The stallion whimpered, his post-traumatic stress flashing memories inside his mind of previous encounters with voluptuous mares. None had ended well: he hadn’t been able to walk for weeks afterwards.

Finally receiving his signal, the mare released her embrace and began bouncing in circles around him. She rambled on and on about her morning and how she needed to find his shop but had gotten lost. Listening to her plight, the stallion nodded and motioned for her to follow him. Curiously enough, his shop was only two doors down.

“Welcome to Filthy Desires, where each and every pony can find, order, and reserve their own little slice of heaven. Full customer confidentiality guaranteed. Feel free to hang up your coat.” Filthy Rich adjusted his spare tie, kept hung up on the clothestand, for emergences in the rare chance he forgot the original. The mare threw her clothes aside, revealing her sapphic coat and blonde mane and tail. It was much more comfortable. She trotted behind him as he led her through his store.

“I did receive your unusual order, Miss…”

“Crystal.” It lacked creativity, but got the point across.

“Miss Crystal, of course.” He nodded back to her. “Anyway, my establishment caters to each and every pony’s tastes. To your left is a reserved dragon saddle, ordered by a miss ‘Scarcity’ to simulate the throes of passion with a dragon. Just sit on top and ride with no abandon.” Crystal’s eyes grew wide at the large green mass on top of the otherwise normal looking saddle.

Something caught her eye next to the saddle. It looked like a normal horse collar, but it looked ominous in its dark and murky colors. She pointed to it and asked, “What’s that?”

Filthy raised an eyebrow. “That is only for those with a high vitality. Only a Mr. ‘Windows’ could handle the power of the electric horse collar. Celestia bless that stallion’s heart. He can go from playing with his dolls to a thousand gigawatts at the drop of a hat. What he goes through to get off could sent a normal pony to the hospital.”

Crystal whistled. “Amazing.”

“Indeed.”

They continued to walk through the dungeon of love, stopping only to examine notable specimens. There was a vacuum cleaner for a ‘The Rash’, a rubber carrot for a ‘....Anonymous...’, an arcane blocking horn ring for ‘Mare-y Meyer’, an icing tube for ‘Ponk3.14’, and vibrator equipped with subwoofers for ‘Itchy gotta Scratch’.

“Please tell me she isn’t serious…” the mare quietly begged, staring at the small machine. She didn’t have much room to talk about other ponies’ habits, but... Filthy merely nodded his head.

“Aye, she is. Quite a bit of work, always listening to her dubtrot even when she gets off. Well, here we are.” He stopped in front of the counter where a large package lay in wait for him. He trotted behind the counter and interacted with the register, taking her bits and giving her the appropriate change.

She cooed as she took the package in her hooves and began to tear the brown paper off. A question lingered in his mind, just begging to be released. His brow began to sweat. No matter their intelligence, everypony was curious to some extent. He just had to know.

“Say, that tool is quite unusual. May I ask how you use it?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. While in public that would have been a faux pas, but considering the entire store was a passion party, she took it in stride.

She carefully took the tool out of the box and into her hooves, leaning her elbows on the counter and admiring it. She looked up and answered.

“Well, I suppose I could show you. This is for my sorority, but no harm can be done if I take it out for a test, right?”

Filthy scrunched his lips. While it wasn’t against the rules, he had never seen a pony use the merchandise straight out of the box. Regardless, he had never seen a crystal mare get off before. It would be good for research, among other things. His mind made up, he nodded his approval.

“Okay!” The mare carefully stood on her back hooves and turned around so her back would be braced against the counter. She lifted the pickaxe above her head and swung down with all her strength.

Clang!

Red rocks poured onto the floor as Filthy’s jaw quivered in shock. The crystal mare sighed in pleasure.

“There’s them rubies.”

Author's Note

I apologize in advance. Or is it too late?

I bet that was a hard lesson for Filthy. Those weren't bats in those mare's crystal cave.