Rush Limbaugh in Equestria
Rush Limbaugh in Equestria
The midday sun hung in the sky over Equestria as the clock struck twelve. Ponies were just getting their lunch breaks from work, and some of them were tuning into the radio.
Inside of a dimly-lit, smoky studio, a heavy-set pony with a thinning mane-line and fiery red coat stood. Receiving the cue from his producer, he walked up to the golden Excellence In Broadcasting microphone. He hoped that today, he would actually live up to the name "excellence" and not make another one of his many gaffes that the media would publicize and play over and over.
Eh, that one time was just a (Sandra) Fluke, he thought.
Rush Limbuck spoke, “Hello, Equestria. This is Rush Limbuck of the Rush Limbuck show on the EIB network. Talking to you with one half of my brain tied behind my back, just to make it fair. Now, today we have quite a show for you. We’ll be talking about everything from the national budget, to defense, to Celestiacare, to the immigration bill in front of congress.”
Rush Limbuck paused for a moment, took a match in his hoof, and lit a cigar.
He continued, “So, once again, there’s another amnesty bill in front of Congress. And folks, we really have got to stop this thing. These illegal immigrants from south of the border can’t just fly to the front of the line. They should have to go to the back of the line and wait like everypony else.
“Here’s a novel idea… why don’t we just erect a giant force field? Get a couple of unicorns like Shining Armor over there, and the illegals will be stopped dead in their flight. Then we can get jobs back to actual Equestrians who need them.”
Rush Limbuck pressed a button on his switchboard.
“Now, Spike in Ponyville disagrees. Let’s hear why.”
“My name’s Spike, and I’m a dragon. I think that you’re just being racist towards dragons from Draxico by not supporting this bill. I never hear anypony complain about Crystal Empire immigrants, and I think it’s because they’re ponies and the Draxicans are dragons.”
“Listen, you’ve got it all wrong,” said Rush Limbuck, “I don’t care what species they are. Pony, changeling, dragon, crystal pony, whoever. We need to enforce the laws, and that’s that. Do you know how your beloved Draxico treats illegal immigrants to their country?”
“Uh, no, but--”
“They lock them up in horrible conditions, beat them, and send them away. Of course, the trot-by media doesn’t let you in on that secret. Oh, no, they just keep selling their divisive, speciesist propaganda. And yet if we here in Equestria even dare to do so, we’re called racist. Now, isn’t that a double standard?”
Spike answered, “No, because Draxico is a third world country.”
Rush Limbuck laughed. “Oh, NOW who’s the racist? You’re holding them to a different standard of morality just because they aren’t rich and ponies. Shouldn’t we treat every country the same? What public screwl did you attend that didn’t teach you how to think? As soon as Draxico gets their act together on immigration, call me back.”
He pressed the button on the switchboard to drop the call.
“Now, we have another caller on the line who agrees with me that we should tighten up our immigration laws. Chrysalis on line five, go.”
Chrysalis spoke, “You Equestrian foals! My minions have been slowly infiltrating your cities and towns, and soon we shall overtake all of your country! We shall suck out all of the love in Equestria to feed ourselves until there is nothing left but hollow emptiness. You refuse to enforce your laws at your own peril! Only a suicidal nation does nothing in the face of an invasion.”
Clicks and cacklings from the changeling hoard could be heard in the background.
“Who is this? Is this a prank caller?”
“No, this is Chrysalis, the Changeling Queen!”
“Alright, well, I’ll have to talk to Snerdly about this one. Normally he’s pretty good about not letting crazies through.”
Next to Rush’s booth, a large, chocolate coated stallion with a grey mane and wearing a black beret shrunk back in his chair, hoping that Rush wouldn’t notice him.
“Now, we have a lot more ground to cover. The Reponycans are trying to defeat Celestiacare. Key word being trying. They’d better not fall back on this whole shutdown issue. Call your congresspony and tell them to stand tall! If they back down, then they lose all of the political capital they’ve expended. Might as well go all the way with it.
“We have another caller on the line. Soarin from Cloudsdale is a military pony who has been furloughed due to the congressional disagreements.”
“Hey, Rush,” said Soarin, “I just wanted to tell you that I kinda disagree with the shutdown, since it’s affecting me.”
“Yes, but you have to remember that the shutdown only affects non-critical government employees. What exactly did you do before you were furloughed?”
“Uh, I flew with the Wonderbolts and made a bunch of cool demonstrations.”
“See, they’re not shutting down our air defense or anything. Just the non-critical parts.”
“But I can fly so fast, and do so many barrel rolls! I’m totally a necessary employee! Isn’t being awesome a necessary thing? And why are you Reponycans so obsessed with Celestiacare, anyway?”
Rush chuckled. “Why are the Democolts so obsessed with passing an amnesty bill?”
“I asked you first!” Soarin yelled defiantly.
“Sorry, but I’m not in the mood for schoolyard games, today,” Rush responded. “Next caller on the line is a nurse who is experiencing Celestiacare firsthoof. Nurse Readheart, you’re on the line.”
“Hello, Rush,” said Nurse Redheart. “I just wanted to let you know that I’m quitting medicine because of Celestiacare. There’s just so much paperwork and the hospital can’t even afford to comply with the-- wait, what are you doing? Who are you? Aaaah!”
“Hmm, that’s odd,” said Rush.
Suddenly, the door to his booth burst open as a hoard of changelings ran in. His cigar fell from his mouth, and he blinked several times to make sure that he wasn’t having another prescription-painkiller induced hallucination.
“You Equestrians are going to need universal healthcare when we’re done with you!” said one of the changelings.
“Aaah!” yelled Rush as they sprayed his body with green goo, trapping him inside of a cocoon.
