I Don't Care if He Doesn't Exist!
“Scoots! You’ve been wearin’ that same Rainbow Dash necklace all week! I reckon you even sleep in the thing!” Apple Bloom accused. "You shouldn't even be wearing it. Ah know ya have ta go ta that formal party with yer parents straight after school."
“I don’t care! Rainbow Dash is so awesome! And her eyes are so pretty, and her mane is so perfect, and she’s set ten air speed records over the course of—”
“Scootaloo, you scare me,” I interjected. “You shouldn’t be that obsessed over one pony.”
“Hey, the only reason I know her birthday, height, and all of her siblings is because that stuff came up when I searched her online.”
“...That’s still creepy.”
“Besides, she’s a celebrity! Aren’t fillies our age supposed to have crushes on celebrities?” She made a solid point, but she was the only one in our group of friends who had a crush on someone famous. Hay, I didn’t have a crush on anybody. I scratched my white ear idly.
“Sure, whatever.” I wanted this conversation over with, since there was no reasoning with an obsessed filly.
The school bell rang, indicating that it was time to go home for the weekend. Apple Bloom trotted up to me.
“Hey, Sweetie Belle. There’s this game Ah wantcha ta check out. Ah was gonna come over after school so we could play together, but Applejack says she needs mah help makin some applesauce tonight.”
“Ooh, what is it?” I skipped a little, excited about what she had in mind. Though it wouldn’t seem like it, Apple Bloom always had exciting video games she wanted me to play, since Scoots was never interested.
“It’s the sequel to that game we played last week. Ah’ll send ya a link to it when Ah get home.” My heart leaped, since I absolutely adored the game we had played. And there was a sequel? I could hardly contain myself!
“Oh boy oh boy!” I squealed, my curls springing as I bounced along the road. “I can’t wait! In fact, I’m gonna run home so I can play it as soon as possible! ThankssomuchAppleBloombye!” I sped off, leaving my red-maned friend in the dust.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“How was your day at school, Sweetie Belle?” Rarity greeted calmly, only to have me rocket by her with a quick “Itwasgreathanks” before I bolted upstairs to my room. I immediately threw my saddlebag on my bed and powered up my laptop. The lights flickered on and I signed into my instant messenger as fast as my hooves could type. Apple Bloom was offline, but she had sent me a message with a link. I clicked it excitedly and a new window opened.
Just as I was about to begin, I got a message from Apple Bloom, who had signed back on. I switched back to the chat window.
LateBloomer: FYI, just play through the Prologue. I wanna do the rest together!
Sweetstuff: Aww, alright ;P
LateBloomer: Have fun! g2g
LateBloomer is offline
I sighed. I had really wanted to at least go through the first chapter, but oh well. I switched back to the game and started a new save file, then began.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Prologue Cleared
The bold words stared back at me, almost mockingly.
“How can she expect me to stop here? We just got introduced to the villain!” I shouted to nobody in particular. I puffed out my cheeks angrily.
“Surely I can just play a little bit longer, maybe just a third of the way through the first chapter, just to see what happens. Apple Bloom won’t mind, right?” I assured myself. She might get a bit disappointed, but it wouldn’t be that big of a deal.
No, I shouldn’t do that, she’d be upset. I minimized the game and went to another site to get my mind off of it. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t ignore that I wanted to keep playing. Finally I gave in and pulled the game back up again.
Just a few more minutes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Before I knew it, I was nearing the end of Chapter 1.
Horseapples.
I wasn’t even very attached to any of the characters yet, and still I kept playing. It wasn’t like the first game where I had a favorite character only a few minutes in. I hope at least one of the characters get interesting soon. It was like someone was listening to me, because just as the thought crossed my mind, something happened.
One of the characters, who up until this point was one of the very obvious good guys, had suddenly turned completely insane. It turned out he was nuts all along. A reveal this big at the beginning of the game? I was surprised.
But there was something else about him, his voice changed too. It was the same actor, it was just…
Would silkier be the right word?
I’m going with that.
I was all too shocked at the reveal to acknowledge it, though. But after a few minutes, I realized something even more shocking.
This character, who at this point I didn’t particularly care for but suddenly turned out to be psycho…
He was hot.
I couldn’t believe what I was thinking. How could I find a crazy sociopath like him attractive? I was appalled, but it wasn’t that big of a deal. It was just a fleeting thing, by the next day I’d be fine. I would be fine. I had to be fine.
I pushed the thought to the back of my mind the best I could and finished the rest of the chapter, did my homework, and went to bed. It’d only be fit to worry if I still felt that way tomorrow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The next day I pulled up a video of the scene from the night before. I must’ve just been tired last night, that’s why I thought he was hot. Yeah, that must be it.
But nope, today I found him even hotter.
His dark green fur, his disheveled white hair, the way that he sensually whispers his lines…
What’s wrong with you, Sweetie Belle?
I rewatched the scene again, but it was no use. I found him incredibly hot, and there was nothing I could do about it.
“M—maybe Rarity will be able to help,” I suggested to myself. I hopped out of my chair, but something was off. I turned to face where I was just sitting, and some of the cushion looked a bit darker than the rest. I peered closely at the spot, then very cautiously sniffed it. Jumping back, I immediately clamped my hoof over my muzzle, then jammed my other hoof between my back legs to confirm my suspicions. My face burned bright red as I brought it back up to eye level. My hoof was positively soaked.
I wasn’t unfamiliar with the liquid, having learned about such a topic a couple of years ago, but to see so much in such little time, I did what any respectful young filly would do.
I screamed.
It was one of those screams that was so high pitched that nobody could hear it, so Rarity didn’t come rushing into my room and get the wrong idea.
“B—b—but, I didn’t even… I—I wasn’t thinking of…” I blabbered incoherently to myself. “I can’t tell Rarity now!”
I jumped back onto my chair and opened a new tab frantically. My heart pounding, I quickly typed into the search bar: “infatuated with a fictional character,” “stop being in love with a fictional character,” absolutely anything that could help me. I read probably fifty help articles, but none of them seemed to help.
“Oh sweet Celestia, something is wrong with me!” I cried, cupping my face in my hooves. I took a few deep breaths to try and calm myself down. This is normal, Sweetie Belle. Crushing on fictional characters is normal. It happens all the time. Calm down.
I felt a little better, so I pulled up a picture of the stallion of my unwanted affections to be sure I could handle to continue playing, only for my stomach to churn. I didn’t even feel right looking at him. I felt like I was going to puke.
My spirits suddenly were lifted when a small notification window popped up.
LateBloomer is online
I pushed my cursor to the instant messenger as fast as I could and started up a chat.
Sweetstuff: Hey AB
LateBloomer: Hey! How’s the game so far?
Sweetstuff: I kinda read ahead to the end of Chapter 1 ^_^;
LateBloomer: Aww :(
Sweetstuff: Sorry :/
LateBloomer: It’s ok I guess
Sweetstuff: So uh
LateBloomer: ?
I inhaled nervously. It was now or never. I needed to get this out of my system.
Sweetstuff: What would you do if I told you I’m kinda attracted to one of the characters?
LateBloomer: OMG! Are you serious? You never crush on ANYBODY!
Sweetstuff: Ya I know
LateBloomer: Who is it?!
Just as I was about to tell her, I hesitated. Suddenly I wasn’t so sure if I should let her know.
Sweetstuff: Not telling >_>
LateBloomer: C’mooon!
Oh boy, Apple Bloom was just going to push and push until I spilled. I sighed, and typed in his name.
Sweetstuff: I know, I’m weird. I feel kinda horrible about it :(
Time stopped as I waited for her response. Would she think I’m nuts? Would she make fun of me? It seemed to take her forever to hit enter and send her message.
LateBloomer: Why? Practically everyone in the fandom crushes over him!
Wait, what?
LateBloomer: Is it his voice? ;)
Sweetstuff: M-maybe... >///<
But everyone crushes on him? Now I feel kinda… like everyone else I guess. :/
LateBloomer: Yeah, there are lots of obnoxious fangirls for him. But that means more fanart ;)
Sweetstuff: Heh, I guess
Uh, I g2g
LateBloomer: Aww… alright.
I changed my status to ‘invisible’ and leaned back in my chair. Everybody crushes over him…? I started to feel a bit worse. Now I was going to become one of those fangirls who shoves him in everyone’s face and squeals whenever they see pictures of him and say they’re his waifu and—
No, get it together. I don’t even like him that much. He’s just a bit… physically favorable.
But after the way that Apple Bloom acted, I could tell she wouldn’t be able to help me at all. She would just poke fun at the fact that I’m infatuated by him. Nobody else knew about the game, so I didn’t have many other options on who to consult for help. This wasn’t a simple matter of being attracted to someone, it was being attracted to someone who doesn’t exist and who’s mentally unstable, and I couldn’t explain that to very many ponies in their right mind who wouldn’t think I’m crazy, and there was a very slim chance that a pony that did understand could help. My head was starting to spin.
“Sweetie Belle!” Rarity called. “Come downstairs, your breakfast is going to get cold!” Sighing, I opened my bedroom door and walked downstairs. Hopefully I could disguise the fact that something was wrong with me.
“Morning, Rarity,” I greeted, not nearly as upbeat as usual.
“Sweetie? You don’t sound very happy. Is something the matter, dear?”
I mentally praised myself for my extremely good disguising-the-fact-that-I’m-upset abilities.
“I just have a lot on my mind today,” I waved off, staring intently into my glass of milk for no reason in particular as I layed my head on the table. I rolled to one side, my eyes still glued to the cup.
Rarity responded with an understanding ‘mmm’ as she sipped her tea. After a couple moments I picked my head back up and started pawing at my pancakes. A few minutes of silence passed, and I was grateful that she wasn’t trying to have a conversation with me. I was just too overwhelmed with my emotions.
Am I a psycho too? Will I start killing other ponies? Maybe now I’m only going to fall in love with serial killers! This is horrible, this is horrible!
“Erm, are you sure you’re alright, Sweetie Belle?” Rarity gave me a disturbed look, and I realized that I had been making more and more horrified facial expressions to go with my thoughts.
“O—oh, yeah, I’m alright,” I reassured. She didn’t look very convinced.
“If you really don’t want to talk to me about it,” she started, a bit dejectedly, “you know you can always talk to Twilight. She’s quite intelligent, I’m sure she’ll be able and willing to help you.” I opened my mouth to tell her that it really wasn’t that big of a deal, but stopped. Twilight has books about everything, maybe she even has one about this! My face brightened immediately.
“Glad I could help,” Rarity responded playfully, easily able to see the sudden change in my emotions. I got up and was practically out the door before she added: “By the way, Twilight’s out for the rest of the weekend at the Crystal Empire, so you'll have to drop by after school on Monday to talk to her.” She calmly went back to sipping her herbal tea.
I deflated a bit. What was I supposed to do for the next couple days? It was only Saturday! I trudged back upstairs with more hope than when I came down, but still a bit sick to my stomach.
When I got back to my room, I heard the notification sound of messages being sent coming from my laptop. I sat down in my chair and switched to my instant messaging window to see that Apple Bloom had added me to a group chat with her and Scootaloo. I changed my status to "online" and started chatting.
Sweetstuff: Hi
Scootadash: Hey, look who's finally on!
Sweetstuff: :P
So what's with the group chat?
LateBloomer: I was thinking we could hang out today and then sleepover at my place. Yes?
Scootadash: Awesome!
Sweetstuff: Sure :D
LateBloomer: k, meet at the clubhouse if you can
LateBloomer is offline
Scootadash is offline
I followed suit and signed back out, then galloped downstairs. Hanging out with the girls would be a great distraction, so I was eager to get there as soon as possible.
“Heading out, Sweetie?” Rarity asked.
“I’m going to go hang out with Apple Bloom and Scootaloo and then have a sleepover at Sweet Apple Acres!” I replied excitedly, bouncing from hoof to hoof. As soon as I could tell that Rarity registered what I said, I raced out the door and flew down the street to be with my best friends.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“So what should we do now?” I asked. We had already been playing for a few hours, but it was only about four, so it was still too early to head back to Apple Bloom’s.
“Hmm… ice cream?” Scootaloo suggested. We all nodded our heads furiously in agreement. Without another word, we ran down the steps leading up to our secret clubhouse. Apple Bloom and I jumped in the cart attached to Scootaloo’s scooter, and she flew off down the road towards Sugarcube Corner.
As the wind blew through my mane, I thought of how happy I was that I was with my friends. It was like I didn’t have a care in the world. I hadn’t even thought about—
I almost threw my head over the side of the cart when a sudden urge to vomit came upon me. I felt like I had a huge cramp in my gut and had eaten food far past its expiration date.
It couldn’t have been because…?
Once again his official art flashed before my mind’s eye, and once again I felt like I had caught the stomach flu. Why is this happening? I thought for a moment, and realized that since I felt so horrible about liking him and associated him with so many negative emotions, now I felt physically ill just thinking about him at all.
Or I was crazy. Either one worked in this situation.
Thankfully the others didn’t notice, and I was determined to keep it that way. I wouldn’t let something this trivial get in the way with having fun with my best friends. I diverted my thoughts to topics as far away from him as possible.
We arrived at Sugarcube Corner and bounded up the steps, then sat up at the bar and ordered our desserts.
“So what have you girls been up to this weekend so far?” Scootaloo asked, striking up a conversation while we waited.
“Well one of us has a super big crush on a video game character,” Apple Bloom said, shooting me a glance.
“H—hey!” I pouted, my face turning bright red in both embarrassment and anger. I used my emotions as a distraction to keep me from picturing him directly.
“A video game character?” Scootaloo laughed. “And you said my fangirling over Rainbow Dash was weird!”
“Crushing over a fictional character is way different from obsessing over a pony!” I argued.
“Oooh, she admits to it,” Apple Bloom teased. I crossed my forelegs angrily.
“He’s cute, I’m sorry,” I mumbled, at this point trying to convince myself that it wasn’t weird more than my friends.
“Do you wanna make out with him?” Scootaloo asked in the sappiest voice she could muster.
“NO!” I shouted. Somewhere in the back of my mind I probably agreed with her, though. We quieted down when Mrs. Cake came over and handed us our ice cream, but they still shot me amused glances. I turned away from them to start on my dessert.
I had ordered a pistachio flavored milkshake, with extra whipped cream and a cherry on top. It wasn’t what I normally ordered, but there was a poster of it hanging up and it looked pretty appetizing. I mindlessly poked at the whipped cream, until it was sticking up every which way.
Heheh, looks kinda like—
Then everything hit me like a brick wall.
The green color of the pistachio was the same color as his coat, the whipped cream now looked like his unkempt hair, and the cherry accommodated for his red accessories. I suddenly regretted my word choice when I said how it looked so delicious.
I felt like I was about to puke, but this time on Rarity-I’m-serious-if-I-go-to-school-I-will-blow-chunks-everywhere levels. I clutched my stomach and I could taste vomit in the back of my throat.
“Sweetie Belle!” Apple Bloom exclaimed. “Are ya alright?”
“Yeah, I’m, uh, fine,” I groaned.
“What’s wrong?” Scootaloo asked. The two fillies rushed to my side.
“It’s not a big deal. I think I just caught the flu or something,” I lied. Telling them the true cause of my pain would make them think I’m even more crazy. “I probably can’t stay the night, sorry.”
“C’mon, we’ll take ya home.” They helped bring me outside to the cart and rushed me home like I was about to die. Once they dropped me off they gave me their well wishes and sped off again as fast as they had come.
I opened the front door to Carousel Boutique, and was surprised to see the whole place in a wreck, with fabrics and patterns everywhere. Rarity was hastily running back and forth throughout the mess.
“Um… Rarity?” I asked. She froze and turned to me, levitating some needles out of her mouth.
“Sweetie Belle? What happened to the slumber party?” she inquired. She looked really stressed.
“I think I caught a bit of a cold, so I went home early.” I could see her tense up even more. “Don’t worry, it’s nothing bad! You don’t need to stop what you’re doing, since it looks kinda important.” Her eyes shifted quickly around the room, sweat forming on her brow.
“Well the thing is, Sweetie Belle, I have to work with a very important client until very late tonight, and I figured it would be fine since you were to be away until tomorrow morning. I can’t leave you here when you’re ill enough that you can’t even play with your friends!” Rarity lamented, starting to reorganize the chaos of sewing supplies.
“Really, I’ll be fine. Just… go do your fashion thing.” She was doing so many tasks at once I didn’t even think she heard me.
“Well, alright,” she caved. “But I’ll leave some medicine out on the table in case you feel worse.” I thanked her and let her get back to her frenzied preparing. I trudged up the stairs wearily and headed for my room. Before I even made it to the top I heard the front door slam shut, indicating the unicorn mare’s leave. She’s even more efficient than I remember.
I reached my room and plopped onto my computer chair, once again coaxing my laptop out of sleep mode. Once everything had come back up, I noticed that Apple Bloom had sent me a message.
LateBloomer: Hey, sorry you don’t feel good. Here’s a vid to cheer you up: [link]
I hesitated, knowing full well that it was probably just a video meant for teasing me. I clicked it anyway. It couldn’t be too terrible. Besides, Apple Bloom wasn’t so cynical as to make fun of me while I was sick.
I hit play, and after a few seconds of loading a familiar tune played from the laptop’s speakers. It was one of my favorite songs, only with a certain familiar stallion’s voice layered over it. I had seen it done so many times before where a character’s voice is edited to make it sound like they’re singing something only with different lyrics, so I wasn’t the least bit surprised that this video existed. His voice still made me melt a little.
Alas, it was hardly over a minute long, so I hit replay and watched through it again. I didn’t have to do much work to figure out that my computer chair was already as damp as a washcloth.
Eventually I had hit the replay button so many times that I decided I should just put it on repeat. I laid back in my chair and let the sounds pour into my ears.
It was as if he was right there, standing behind me, leaning in close to tenderly whisper the sweet nothings into my ear. I quivered.
Right now would be the point where I would snap back to my senses and close out of the window, banning myself from ever watching it again, but I didn’t want this feeling to end! I couldn’t stop until I had some kind of release!
I peered at the giant stain on my seat, then at my hoof.
I suppose I can indulge in my fantasies for a little bit...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I got back down from my euphoric high, my senses slowly returning. I could actually see the sweat droplets that had formed on me, which had never happened before. I turned to look at the clock on the table next to me. It’s already time for bed?!
I probably could’ve stayed up later since Rarity wasn’t home, but if she did return and saw me up later than I was supposed to I would be in loads of trouble. Besides, I was spent, and my head was still a bit cloudy from the rush of sensations from earlier. I dragged myself to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, then fell down in my bed. It was kind of hard to fall asleep since my hooves were a bit cramped up, but I could manage.
Suddenly, my eyes flew open. My chair still looks like someone dumped a bottle of water on it! I scurried out of the sheets, falling on my face because my sheets had wrapped around my legs. Picking myself up and dusting myself off, I grabbed a box of tissues and did my best to wipe off my seat as best as I could. This wasn’t a situation I would have imagined myself ever being in, and I hoped I would never be in it again.
I threw the tissues into the trash can, because if Rarity saw them she would just write it off as me being sick, and then I went back to bed. Soon I would be able to talk to Twilight and hopefully put this whole matter to rest.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Finally the bell rang, signalling the end of Monday’s day of school. The day before Apple Bloom came over and we played through Chapter 2, which was fun except that every time he existed on screen she shot me this sly grin. It was really hard to appreciate his hotness with her breathing down my neck like that.
Now that school was over, I could finally do what I had been waiting to do for the past couple of days: Talk to Twilight Sparkle and get this whole problem of mine sorted out. My laptop was in my saddlebags and I was making my way to Ponyville’s library, totally pumped that by the day’s end I would be fine again.
After a few more minutes of trotting down the cobblestone pavement, I found myself in front of the old wooden door of Golden Oaks Library. I knocked and pushed it open.
“Miss Twilight?” I called out. I was met with a prompt response of ‘coming!’ from a distant room, then saw the regal and elegant newly crowned princess of Equestria fall head over hooves down the stairs, wrapped in various papers with loads of complicated data, with symbols on them of which I would be very lucky to ever figure out their meaning.
“Oh, hello, Sweetie Belle!” she greeted, as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened at all. She picked herself up and unwrapped herself. “What brings you here today?”
“I need a book about…” I choked on my words. I suddenly realized how weird it would be if I walked in and asked a princess what to do about having sexual feelings for a fictional stallion. “About… about…”
“D—do you know what kind of book you’re looking for?” she asked, rolling up the scrolls with her magic.
“Yeah, I just…” I tried to come up with something to say, but I was drawing a huge blank.
“You just can’t think of how to word it?” she finished. “I know the feeling! It happens to me all the time. Drives me crazy!” She giggled and started organizing her scientific results.
“Y—yeah…” I wasn’t going to object to it. If it meant getting out of this awkward situation, I was going to roll with just about anything.
“Well, you know how to find your way around the library, right? I’m sure you can manage finding something relevant to your interests.” She shuffled the rest of her papers together. “I’m working on a pretty important experiment right now, so I’ll be upstairs if you need me!” I nodded, smiled, and watched her make her way back upstairs. Then I turned to the rows and rows of bookshelves. To be honest, I actually hardly knew where anything was at all, but it couldn’t be very difficult to find something on the subject I was looking for. All I had to do was look for “sensitive material” signs.
Sure enough, after ten minutes of entering the library, I had my whole entire book fort built and my laptop up and running next to me. It turns out Twilight really wasn’t very overprotective of these kind of books, since they were just as accessible as all of the others. I wasn’t complaining, though, it just made my life a whole lot easier.
I started reading through one of the thicker books first, which was what appeared to be college textbook, even though I had never heard of a college class about sex. It seemed to be a fitting start, though. Even just glancing at the table of contents I could tell that I would learn a lot.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After having been reading on the subject for a long time now, my mind drifted off to the main problem. I hadn’t really contemplated what exactly I had done a few nights ago, and now that I had, I was feeling horrible. I always revered myself for never doing anything my family or friends would disapprove of, but now I went and trashed all that in one selfish action. I felt guilty and filthy and all of the worst things I could feel. I put the book down, since the tears welling in my eyes obscured the book’s text too much to be legible.
I had spent all of my time thinking about how today I would be better, that I actually hadn’t thought about how much work I would have to do to actually get there. Now I was starting to wonder if getting back to normal was feasible anymore.
I turned to my laptop, hoping to find some kind of relief. I didn’t care what it was from anymore, I just needed this to be over.
I pulled up Ponyhoof to direct my mind elsewhere so I would be emotionally stable enough to stop crying. In the text box for status updates, the words “How are you feeling?” were written. Normally I wouldn’t think much of it, but at this point the question was the epitome of my issues. I felt a strong need to answer it, as if everything would be right if I did so.
And so, I wrote one word:
Ashamed.
I posted the status update before I could give it a second thought. Maybe I posted it as a call for help, even though I knew deep down I wasn’t strong enough to actually face another pony to talk about it. It would probably be overlooked in someone’s news feed since it was so short, anyway, so I didn’t have to worry too much. I turned back to the book, since my mind was adequately distracted enough to chip away at a few more pages before I would most definitely feel like the most despicable filly in Ponyville again.
Around ten minutes later, I heard Twilight walking back down the stairs. I set down my book and stood up casually to greet her.
“Why did you change your status to ‘ashamed’?” she asked blankly, skipping straight to the point. I recoiled, and realized how stupid I was for forgetting how observant Twilight was, and that she was on my friend list. I instinctively curled up on the ground, my eyes to the floor.
“N—not telling…” I stammered, trying to act like it was nothing, even though it was most obviously not nothing.
“C’mon Sweetie Belle.” I felt her hoof run through my mane. “What’s wrong?” I didn’t dare respond. “Did someone at school say something mean?” I shook my head slowly. “Did you break something? Did you fall through on a promise?” I shook my head vigorously, my eyes shut tight.
“St—stop guessing!” I shouted. I knew she would hit it eventually, and I didn’t want that to happen. Twilight looked toward my laptop for any sort of clue, and then her eyes rested on the material of my book fort.
“Is this about… self sex?” she guessed, her tone of voice carrying as much weight as the previous tries, which was odd because of how taboo the subject was.
“Uwaah?!”
“You know, masturbation. It’s the same thing.”
My eyes glazed over with tears, and a steady river of guilt flowed down my cheeks. I nodded.
“Oh, Sweetie… does that really make you that upset? Know that it doesn't matter if you do it as long as it isn't hurting anyone else. Everyone does it, anyway, and if they say they don’t, they’re lying.” I laughed a little, but the main problem still wasn’t confronted yet. How was I supposed to break it to her?
“Is there anything in particular about it that’s troubling you?” she asked. “Because that alone couldn’t possibly stress you out so much.” I took the opportunity to scoot over to my laptop and pull up a picture of the fictional pony that caused me so much trouble in the first place. I turned the screen towards the purple mare without a word.
“I don’t...ohh…” Her eyes widened in understanding. “I get it…”
“He’s supposed to be hot and everything, but still…” I mumbled. I turned my head to the floor in shame.
“Well, if he’s supposed to be eye candy as you say, then the reason you feel this way is just the writers doing their job well! They wrote an attractive character well enough for you to find him attractive! If you didn't feel this way about him, then they wouldn't be very good writers, would they?"
"B—but, he's insane! Why do I find someone like that attractive? Does that mean I'm crazy, too?" I cried, at this point spilling out all of my worries since there was nothing left to hide. Twilight shook her head, patting my head comfortingly.
"Oh, Sweetie, who you find attractive doesn't determine everything you are. You're still Sweetie Belle, the white unicorn filly with a beautiful singing voice. Don't think that something like this would change that." She placed a feathery wing over my shoulder and drew me in close. "It doesn't matter what you like, as long as it makes you happy."
We embraced, and I found myself tearing up again, this time in joy.
"Thank you so much, Miss Twilight," I sobbed. I wanted to say so much more, but that was all I was able to say in my current state. I had been on an emotional roller coaster for days, and it was all finally over. I was overwhelmed with joy.
After I had calmed down, I helped put the books away and thanked Twilight profusely for her help. We shelved in silence for a while, but then out of nowhere the older mare started giggling uncontrollably.
“What is it?” I asked, her laughter making me snicker a little also despite my feelings still being a little out of whack.
“Well, I was just thinking… If you’re lucky and meet the right stallion, he probably won’t mind imitating that character for a little while, just to humor you,” she suggested, a playful grin on her face. I smiled like an idiot. It was such a perfect idea! And if I married someone that also felt similarly for a mare that doesn’t exist, I could do the same for him! Of course it would be quite a few more years before that could happen, but now I had something really big to look forward to!
This way I might actually be able to make out with him in real life! Maybe some other things, too...
Oops, did I just think that? Hehe...
Author's Note
This was a shameless self insert and I have no regrets. Thank you for putting up with my way of venting.
