Truth Is Smooth

It’s already quarter past ten, it’s not like him to be late for something so important as a divorce. Or my doom, Comb wondered sorrowfully. She was sitting in the lobby of the Canterlot chancellor’s office, waiting for her soon-to-be ex-husband to show up. To cover her physical predicament she chose to wear a long light-green coat matching her eyes and a black and white striped headscarf. If she were to fall, she would at least look as nice as possible for the occasion, even though she couldn’t show her body.

Monday went just as bad for her as the Sunday did, with the small difference that she wasn’t yelled at. She called to her work and excused her absence by being sick - a small white lie cruelly resembling the true state of things. Few of her friends decided to come around and visit her, but she naturally refused to let them in, excusing her behavior by not wanting to infect them.

Two days and two nights spent curled up in her bed shifting between sleeping and crying and dreading the future in both states were close to the limit she could manage with her sanity still intact. On the break of Tuesday she was almost looking forward to being divorced. She even arrived to the office earlier, just in case Profitable would do the same, but it resulted only in endless minutes of anticipation and worries.

The entrance door made of same light blue transparent glass as the rest of the wall opened. Comb raised her eyes, but all she could see was a silhouette of a stallion against the dim light coming from outside. It was the first pony who entered since the moment she had began her waiting - the weather convinced most of the ponies that solving their issues could be postponed until the rain would have stopped - so she assumed the newcomer could only be Profitable. She stood up and made few steps toward the stallion. Her certainty of his identity only added to her surprise when the person spoke up.

“Good morning, Comb. How are you holding up?” Stormy asked tiredly, but with a smile on his lips.

“Stormy?! I’m so glad to see you! What are you doing here?” she exclaimed as she rushed to him and hugged him tightly. Yet after a few seconds she stiffened and pulled back. “You have to leave. Now! Profitable will be here any minute, and if he sees you, he will put two and two together!”

“So he didn’t tell you?” he asked with a small amount of disgust. “I suppose, I should have expected that. Why would he.”.

“Tell me what? He called me in the evening yesterday, telling me only to wait her at ten. But thankfully he is late, as you can see,” Comb informed and started looking him over. There was something different about him, but she couldn’t put her hoof on what it was.

“He already knows that it is me. He confronted me yesterday shortly after he arrived to work. That’s why I am here, to-” he explained, still keeping his serene smile, but was cut short before he could share what he was supposed to do there.

“Sweet Celestia! I’m so sorry! But how did he know? He couldn’t have just guessed it!” she exclaimed and hugged him once more. Knowing how harsh Profitable was to her, she didn’t want to imagine how the conversation with Stormy could have gone.

“No, he-” Stormy started once again, but before he could finish the sentence, the answer to her question came from behind him.

“He didn’t have to. Stormy Voice here made such a mess in the company that it was an instant giveaway. Isn’t it so, Stormy Voice?” Profitable chuckled. He had spied the two talking through the glass wall for a while and then sneaked in, making as little noise as possible. They jumped away from each other quickly, scared by his sudden appearance. That presented him with a good view of them both, and he chuckled once more at what he saw.

“Oh, how inappropriate I feel now, being naked when you both wear such nice outfits,” he mocked them.

At that remark Comb realized what seemed so strange about Stormy. He normally didn’t wear anything, but at that occasion a grey loose-fitting suit covered his whole body.

“So that too happened to you?” she asked and deflated even more. Stormy only nodded, responding in that simple gesture both questions addressed to him in last few seconds.

“I want to apologize for being late,” Profitable continued, “but it seems you managed to entertain yourselves without me quite well anyway.”

“What took you so long by the way? I thought you wanted to get rid of me as soon as possible,” Comb inquired, her temper rising from the teasing. But her tone didn’t phase Profitable at all.

“Oh, of course I do. You have your dearest lover to thank for that delay. I must say, that I am impressed, Stormy Voice. To assemble the whole board at such a short notice couldn’t have been easy. Did you go through all that trouble to show some respect for a good employee, or just to get some time with her before the divorce?” Profitable asked. For once, his praise was genuine, although his words bit just like his insults.

Stormy shook his head disdainfully.

“You really are full of yourself, Comb was right. No, any employee would get the same treatment you got. I respect all the ponies working in the company. And I couldn’t plan to meet Comb here too well. You didn’t inform me about the time of your meeting, remember? Besides, it would be rather petty, close to your level of behavior, actually. So stop making things up,” he reprimanded the other stallion.

Profitable had to admit to himself that his last accusation was rather wild in fact, but once again an apology wasn’t an option. “I can’t be sure about anything around you anymore. If somepony told me last week that you had been sleeping with Comb, I would have called him silly,” he barked angrily. “Anyway, did you bring those documents?”

“Yes, I have them here. And the money too,” Stormy assured him and started walking further into the building, leading the mare along.

“What documents? What money? Wihat’s going on?” demanded now thoroughly confused Comb.

Profitable quickly caught up with them and rolled his eyes.

“I thought you already told her. You were chatting so amicably back in the lobby! Some lover you are when you keep such thing to yourself” he complained.

“I was about to tell her when your fat ugly face showed up!” Stormy retorted. The constant provocations finally broke his self-control.

“Better having a fat ugly face than a dalmatine-turned cock,” Profitable smirked.

Before Stormy managed to formulate another retort, Comb stepped in:

“Will somepony tell me what this is all about, or not?” she almost shouted.

Her outburst brought Stormy back to his senses. He tried to blame his behavior on the poison joke, but deep down he knew he would have react the same way any day.

“Profitable Deal is being fired from the company. I brought the review of his work, the recommendation for future employers, the contract giving him the severance of 5 salaries-”

“Wait, wait, wait. We settled on fifteen!” Profitable butted in.

“-and a personal contract stating that if the divorce is mutual, I will pay Profitable ten times his salary from my own funds. Really, stop judging me by what you would do. I couldn’t simply put the number into the official document,” Stormy finished.

“I guess that makes sense. Let’s go sign it to the notary and get over with this. I will store the antidotes there as well. I am sure you don’t trust me any more than I trust you. And hurry, I don’t want to spend my whole day with any of you.”

“And just where do you think I am leading us? I can relate with that sentiment. Would you sit in the waiting room while we take care of this, Comb?” Stormy asked and turned to where the mare should have been, but found only an empty space. She stood few yards behind them, eyes unfocused and mouth slightly open. He quickly walked back to her.

“Comb? Comb, are you alright?” he demanded and waved a hoof in front of her eyes. she returned from her dazed state and looked incredulously at Profitable.

“Mu- mutual divorce?” she asked with a reluctant hope in her voice.

“Yes. Your lover obviously values you pretty high. I can’t comprehend why though,” Profitable smirked. “Let’s go already before I change my mind.”

“Right. I will explain it all to you when this is over, okey?” Stormy decided to let Profitable’s remark slide and opted to peck Comb on her cheek lightly.

Comb stayed alone in front of the notary’s office. Since the words ‘mutual divorce’ left Stormy’s mouth, she barely perceived her surroundings. She couldn’t believe it. It seemed that she was pardoned just when the noose had been placed around her neck. It was almost too much to comprehend or believe. But then another thought struck her developing good mood hard: Did… did Profitable just sell me right now? He did, didn’t he? So I really was nothing but a possession for him. Few tears rolled down her cheeks at that conclusion.

However, she refused to descend back into her depression; she used this to strengthen her determination to get over with the divorce as quickly as possible. She wouldn’t have to wait too much longer; the stallions emerged from the door.

“I am surprised you actually managed to draft that contract, considering your current predicament and all,” Profitable teased, closing the door behind them.

“My special talent is negotiating and giving speeches, not doing paperwork. Besides, even you would be able to put such a simple thing together,” shot Stormy back.

“Pity you didn’t use letters while dealing with those griffins then.”

Stormy looked like he was about to jump at Profitable now, but Comb quickly stepped to him, placed her hoof on his shoulder and shook her head lightly with pleading look on her face. He took a few calming breaths and nodded.

“Let’s finish this, before I finish you,” he grumbled in the direction of Profitable.

The smirk never left the face of the green stallion as he led them to the divorce office. Divorces had never been something rare in a big city like Canterlot, but the influx of the instances among the high society, seen as a disgusting trend of the youth by some of the more conservative nobles, forced the chancellor to hire another pony who would be dealing with that agenda exclusively. The procedure had to be simplified as well, the nobles didn’t want to waste time with bureaucracy when they could spend it with social mingling just as well.

“Here it is. Comb, after you,” Profitable opened the door and let the mare enter first. Just before he closed it behind himself, he turned and called at Stormy: “Sit and stay!”

Even through the closed door Comb could hear Stormy’s stomping. She only hoped he would calm a bit down before the divorce was performed. Profitable was playing with fire, and she couldn’t tell how long he would remain lucky.

The light cough from behind the desk interrupted her train of thought.

“Hello. How may I help you?” an average looking auburn unicorn clark asked. Comb and Profitable simultaneously gave him a disapproving stare to which he reacted by shrinking into himself.

“Yeah, silly question. My name is Legal Draft. Take a seat please and we will begin,” he offered and rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. They did as they were told to and waited for his next move.

“So. The matter at hoof is clear, but we need to settle the details. Who is the cause of the divorce?” Legal Draft questioned and reached into one of the drawer for necessary forms.

The moment of truth came for Comb. Her future life depended on Profitable’s next words. She visibly tensed up and held her breath.

Profitable gazed at her for a few seconds, enjoying her anxiety, and then turned back to Legal Draft.

“Nopony. It is a mutual divorce,” he stated calmly and chuckled at the relieved sigh coming from Comb.

“Okay, I guess?” Legal Draft said, raising his eyebrows at the gimmicks unfurling in front of him. He grabbed one of the forms he prepared and filled the heading. “What are your names?”

“Profitable Deal and Comb Finesse,” Profitable decided it would be better, if he simply dictated all the information himself.

The clark looked up from the paper. “Who is who?”

Profitable glanced at his cutie mark, which was in clark’s full view, and then back at Legal Draft. “Really? If the observation skills of all the government employees are this high, no wonder we are in recession.”

Legal Draft shrank even more. “I’m sorry sir. It must be the bad light here, otherwise I would have noticed.” He took a quick gulp of coffee from his cup and straightened in his seat. “Coffee?” he offered and earned another glare for obstructing. This time he only winced. “Anyway, place of residence?”

“Maple lane 47, Canterlot.”

“Where did you enter into marriage?”

“Canterlot.”

“Okey. Sign here and here please.” He passed the form and a pen to them, and they confirmed their will to be divorced.

“Now I will look up your file and we are almost done. Please wait here,” Legal Draft said and trotted out of the door, happy to get away from the irritable pair.

With the danger gone, Comb’s fear receded and she turned to Profitable. “You sold me. Like some pet you don’t want anymore,” she reproached.

“Yes, but not cheaply, mind you,” he replied, obviously satisfied with his actions.

“Actually, I am grateful. You degraded me on a par with animals. The high society would do much worse things to me.”

“I didn’t do it for you. I-” he started, but Legal Draft entered the room again at that moment.

“There is one last thing we need to deal with. No pun intended, sir,” he turned apologetically to Profitable. The stallion in question only waved his hoof. “You need to decide how your possessions will be divided.”

“That will be easy. The things we brought into the marriage will return to the original owner. She will keep the money she earned as well as her personal items. The apartment is mine,” Profitable recited without hesitation. He thought this through the moment he decided to accept Stormy Voice’s offer.

Legal Draft turned to Comb. “Do you agree with this? It doesn’t sound too mutual to me,” he asked with concern.

“Yes, I agree with this. Could you hurry please? I want this to be finally over,” she urged. The clark only shrugged, slightly annoyed at the stern treatment he was getting, and noted the named conditions in the form.

“In that case sign here.” He passed them the pen again. “Congratulations, you are now divorced. You don’t have to kiss your former bride anymore again,” Legal Draft giggled, but the sound died away under their gaze pretty soon. To hide his embarrassment he flared his horn and two copies of the original form appeared on the table.

“Here are your documents,” he said quietly. They grabbed them and left the office without another word.

Stormy cooled down considerably during the time they spent in the office, but that didn’t mean he regained patience. They found him striding from one end of the hallway to the other and back, constantly muttering to himself.

“I would like to get my money now,” Profitable called at him. Stormy turned and trotted to them, reaching for the paper Profitable held. He understood immediately and handed Stormy the form. Upon reading it, Stormy nodded and started walking back to the notary’s office.

The visit took even less time than the last one, and before Comb could get comfortable on the couch in the waiting room, they reemerged from the office. Profitable carried two full saddlebags which were formerly in Stormy’s possession, Stormy in turn held a small package. He promptly ripped the wrapping and pulled out two ampules. White letters on each said a single word: ‘ANTIDOTE.’ He passed one to Comb and looked at Profitable.

“We are in chancellor’s office. If this isn’t what you promised, you will see that poison joke didn’t affect my lawsuit-drafting abilities either. You will be under arrest in under 5 minutes,” he promised and downed his ampule. Comb followed his example shortly.

The effect was immediate. Comb felt a tingling sensation on her head and in her nethers, and in the next second her headscarf fell off. She lifted her hooves and touched her regrown mane. The initial relieved face turned into a panicked one quickly, and she opened her saddlebag, pulling a mirror out. After a single look she dropped the item and rewrapped the scarf around her head.

“I have to go to the stylist! See you later, Stormy. I will come for my things tomorrow morning, Profitable,” she yelled and started galloping away.

“Comb, wait! Would you please meet me in three hours at the statue of Celestia on the main square?” Stormy shouted after the quickly retreating equine figure.

“Okay, whatever, have to go now!” she yelled over her shoulder and then she was gone.

The two stallions were left speechless in the waiting room. They both wore the same dumbfounded look on their face, their mouths slightly open.

Stormy recovered from the shock first. “Does she… act like this often?”

“More than you would think,” Profitable nodded sagely.

“Oh Celestia, what have I gotten myself into?!” Stormy sighed in exasperation.

“What you deserve, I guess. Well, I will be going too. Pleasure to make business with you, Stormy Voice.”

“See you tomorrow. For the last time, I hope,” Stormy replied and made his way out of the building. There was much he had to take care of and he had only 3 hours to do so.