Onward!

by Patchwork-Inkblot

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Slice of Life, Human, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Other, Romance
Length: 3287

Two friends, Amber and Geoff, tell their story of how they came to be in Equestria. Two protagonists living the same story, but telling it from two different views simultaneously. Not everything is happy and simple for a human in a new world.

Onward! (a story that could have happened)
Follow the tale of Amber and Geoffrey, two friends who find themselves stolen into Equestria by an epidode that hasn't even occurred in the magical world. They were already part of the pony fandom and they had, of course, read human in Equestria fan fiction, but nothing is as simple as a story on the internet.
They're in a new world that's theoretically impossible with no way to get back, no way to contact the ones they loved. Even together, even with a myriad of sentient ponies, they are alone.
Follow them from the happiest and most surprising turn of their lives, into a confusing spiral of love, confusion, hatred, solitude, and the chaos of human emotion in a pony world.

This was written for my dear friend, Amber, aka Moonshine, aka That-Drunken-Mare, whom I miss with all my heart.

Published 2013-10-07 20:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-10-07 20:10:02 UTC

Prologue: In Which Geoff Recounts the Arrival of Two Humans in Equestria

The sunrise never begins with the sun, really, it begins with the receding light of the moon and the approaching light of dawn. If you're awake to see enough moonsets and sunrises you start to learn how to notice the first moment in a day in which time stops, the point in which there are no celestial bodies in the sky. Trust me, time completely stops there; none at all, no time. When I was very little my grandmother taught me that, she always knew what she was talking about.

Allow me to explain the set scene above; it was about six-o-seven AM and I was sitting on a dirt road with two dogs, my boys, Buddy and Chubs. Buddy, a gray mutt mottled with black spots, was the leader of the little dog pack that roamed the little trailer park I call home. Chubs, who is not as fat as his name precedes him, is probably a lieutenant or something. All rank aside, we huddled together as brethren seeing as it was a rather chilly sixty something degrees, odd for an August in Texas. I was clad only in a pair of rather shredded boxers and my boys wore nothing as was their custom. You know, despite myself being covered in body hair they've always managed to out-fur me, but I digress. Chubs had made my lap the designated pillow for his big, black head and Buddy leaned against me, staring off into the horizon in the same direction I looked.

East of us was a field, and beyond the field, a farmhouse, beyond even the farmhouse was a radio tower that blinked red all throughout the night.

Time stopped.

I looked at Buddy and our eyes met, we smiled and I scratched his doggy shoulders right in his favorite spot; Chubs shifted and grumbled something in Dog, probably something about the river, I laughed and Buddy smiled the beautiful doggy smile only a dog can.

Time started again, this is about the time I started talking to the dogs.

"So, I wonder, who's awake in the world right now?"

Buddy looked at me, his hazel eyes giving him the appearance that he wondered the same thing.

"I mean, sure, there are probably billions of humans awake right now; but just who are they? Are they in love, are they hungry? Do we know them, do they know us? Maybe they think what we do before they go to sleep, you know?" I glanced at Buddy, he was eating a moth, totally over his head. I glanced at Chubs.

Sleepy doggy smile.

Totally got it.

The sky was getting brighter and the highway no one ever feels like naming had its first few cars zipping down along its surface. Poor bastards. I wondered who those bastards were and where their cars were taking them.

"Probably work and home from work."

Chubs said that, I didn't. Or, you know, whatever; probably, dogs tend to talk when you've been awake for four days straight.

A little rectangle next to our furry little trio lit up and started saying, "Ba ba bababababa ba baa ba, ba bababa baa ba baabaa, she sheshesheshe sheee she she she, ba ba ba", and so on. I swiped my thumb across it and said, "Hi!"

The most perfect voice in the world emanated from the rectangle and I fell in love all over again. "Are you still awake?" It asked.

"Well, Chubs isn't."

"Go to bed, dear."

"Go to school, pumpkin."

Goodbyes and good mornings and "I love you's" were said and I leaned back into the gravel. I quickly learned that gravel was uncomfortable, so I turned around and went back into Asgard. Not the Norse land in which the souls of brave warriors went to drink and battle, but my shitty little trailer.

I fell asleep instantly, presumably on the floor as I do not remember making it to the side of the camper that held my bed, and woke up a few hours later, somehow in my closet. From what I figured the Earth had traveled a little ways around its' axis so I decided I'd go to Amber's house for ponies and video games; and food, I planned to eat all of her food. Man I was hungry, I'm hungry even as I recall the events that lead to now, in this library, but I'll get to that.

I put some clothes on and went through a standard diagnostic. Clothes, check. Beard, check. Luggage! Now where did I put my luggage? Oh wait, I never carried luggage. With diagnostic run, references made, and keys in hand I hopped into Ruby, the brave ship that roared me across the asphalt map of America.

While the drive was nothing spectacular, there was a certain charm that comes with burning down country roads at high speeds while the speakers sing out little quips of, "I'm the king of the ring, come here and play with me. Viva king of the ring, bringing you the energy."

You start driving to the beat and rhythm of the music, torquing turns like a hound out of the deepest pits of hell, not even caring if the cops are around. Out in the Texas country thing stop mattering. The trees and grass blur together into a palette of greens and browns that is so unarguably natural and you start to feel like you're traveling through the velveteen insides of Mother Nature herself. Eventually the ride will end, there are towns here and there that remind you of humanity's domination of a great rock that sailed through the cosmos.

I attempted to drift into my dear friends' driveway only to knock over two potted plants and what I believe was an Australian termite mound. Insects aside, I still leaned out of Ruby, struck a pose, and smoothly drawled, "Like a glove."

When I discovered no one was home, or Amber was asleep, I made the logical decision of breaking in. By "breaking in" I mean that I climbed through a window, said "Hi" to her cat, sent her a text message that said, "In the kitchen, come if convenient. If inconvenient, come anyway", and proceeded to start cooking twelve hamburgers. I honestly didn't think grocery stores sold packages of perfectly prepared patties that may or may not have been crabby in such numbers, but there I was with three pans a-sizzlin'.

I assume that around the time I had put my apron on, and removed my shirt, Amber had received her text message. I assume this because I heard a muffled "whaddafug" and some scrambling a few rooms away.

My ass vibrated.

I reached a hand back to my rear pockets and pulled out my cell phone, on it was a picture of my beloved, and a little square, a message from Amber, that read, "Are you serious?" I rolled my eyes at Amber's distrust of me and set my phone back from whence it came. The burgers steadily approached their points of consumption and Amber hadn't come to the kitchen yet, that harlot. In accordance with the few other times I had done exactly what I was currently doing I began to pet her cat and feed it little hamburger chunks for about five minutes. Once the burgers were cooked I prepared them in the most pleasing manner a man can prepare the seared flesh of a defeated bovine.

I put my shirt on beneath the apron simply out of respect, gathered up the food, and trekked to Amber's room. A door tried to impede my progress, so I kicked that sorry bastard down like all of the sorry bastards that had oh so tried to impede my progress before. In case Amber hadn't found out I was there by then I cheerfully yelled, "Guess who made burgers?!"

The response to my actions was, audibly, a crash, tumble, and something that sounded like, "Mary mother of Jesus fuck-waffles", I think. Visually was a completely different aspect. Amber lay before me on the ground, a tangle of her own limbs, clad only in her underclothes; which, in this authors' opinion, were pretty plain.

"What the hell are you doing here?!" Came from within a tangle of long black hair. Amber stood up, holding what appeared to be a cell phone as one would hold a knife, and stared incredulously at me.

I held up the plate of burgers and said, "I told you." I paused, glancing at her. "You know, black would go better." This served to confuse her, which I don't exactly understand.

"What?" Her fighting stance relaxed.

I pointed to her general body, "The white is kind of distracting from your natural skin tones, black undies would do you a lot better."

She only stared and pressed her face into her palm.

"Geoff, at least get out of my room so I can change."

"Oh, pish-posh!" I said, setting the burgers down and beginning the hunt for an X-Box controller. "You've seen me completely shaved, and only in golden booty shorts for that matter!" My eyes located an odd white shape that was either a controller or the zaniest dildo I had ever seen, probably the first one by any chance. "Just toss some stuff on and we can eat."

I heard a few drawers grating against their frames behind me, point me. "How did you get in anyway?"

"Window", I said nonchalantly, bringing the Netflix menu up on her television screen.

Amber balked, probably trying to get my attention. "Do you even care that it's illegal to break into houses?!"

I turned around and sat on her bed, quickly digging into a burger. "Nah", I replied. "I doubt you'd call the cops, and even if you did I'd be able to manage."

Amber sighed again and plopped next to me with a burger of her own. "Yeah, you'd probably have sex with them or something, sempai."

"You know it."

There was a moment of a silence as we ate our burgers.

"Ponies?" I asked.

"Oh yeah."

For the next few hours we watched My Little Pony, ever now and then saying things along the lines of, "Fuck that owl, all you need is Spike!", or, "You work that beard, gurrrrrrrrrrl", and a few things about pony butts.

In the middle of "Putting Your Hoof Down" Amber casually asked me if Torn Between would ever update. I paused the video and looked at her.

Looked at her.

Looked at her face.

Looked at her eyes.

Looked at her very soul and demanded with the force of evil that surges in my black heart. YOU WILL KNOW OF THE HORRORS THAT ONLY THOSE WHO GO TO THE BLACKEST PITS OF HELL FOR PUTTING SPIGOTS UP THER BUTTHOLES-

I trailed off from my surge of evil telepathy when we realized Amber's phone was smoking, shaking, and playing what was some pretty hot and brutal BDSM porn.

We turned the phone off and went back to our ponies for a while.

Finally, we found ourselves huddled together in preparation for the feels of "Keep Calm and Flutter On".

"I ship it like Fed-Ex, Amber."

"Press the damn play button."

We were a ways through the episode when "it" happened. I don't know what "it" was, neither does Amber, but we are sure of one thing.

Shit got real.

Discord looked at us, said "Oopsie", and the scream went black.

I roared at the TV for a solid minute while Amber tried to console me. My lungs grew tired and I turned to Amber, ready to reprimand her for not making her TV her bitch when we heard it.

It was sharp, instant, and demanded all attention, a crack like a whip from Indiana Jones, or Jhogo of the Dothraki.

We turned and beheld a fissure that cut across the flat glass panel before us.

Amber was the first one to speak before "it" happened.

"Wha-"

The glass burst inward and a great wind pulled everything in sight, even us, towards the television.

I went on autopilot, grabbing Amber's hand as I grabbed the bed, screaming. My fingernails dug into the floor, I lost one before it proved futile. The moment I let go we were pulled closer to the abyss. Adrenaline took over my system, every beat of my heart was like the impact of two great swords clashing.

Sword, blade, knife, I have a knife, I have knives!

Yes! I always kept knives stashed in my coat, I reached in, blood spattering from my finger. I brought out a diving knife, finally some luck. With all the force I could muster I stabbed the blade into the floor, it sank in just enough for us to stop. I turned to face Amber, I was smiling, thinking I had saved us; how wrong I was.

Amber was being pulled off the ground, her legs were already in the void. They looked disturbingly small, as if I saw them through the wrong end of a pair of binoculars. And then there was her face, God it hurt to see. There were tears that just wouldn't stop, her mocha skin had gone pale, and she was just looking at me like a deer witnessing its' oncoming death. It hurt more than anything I have ever known.

The knife came loose.

I did all I could do. I closed my eyes and pulled myself to my friend. I felt the force unlike any other pulling me and great wind filled my ears.

And then there was nothing. Eighteen years of fearing death, and yet it had come in a manner I did not understand.

I opened my eyes and the cosmos bloomed before me. This was not death, this was so much more. In that moment, I understood everything; in that moment I was greater than anything, in that moment I was a god.

I hit the ground and lost everything but that moment's shadow.

Unconsciousness came and passed as it had so many times before in my life, I opened my eyes. Amber was still in my arms, I sat up and she began to awaken. Above us was a clear blue sky and all around was green grassland. Mountains lay in the distance to what appeared to be the east.

We were alive.

I raised my arms to the sky and wept. The roar of joy I uttered brought Amber to consciousness. She tackled me, screaming. "Where are we, what happened?! What the fuck did you do to my TV?!"

I pulled us up and embraced my dearest friend. "Who cares, we're alive." I broke the embrace, "The imperative question is our location." As soon as the words left my mouth Amber had her phone in her hands.

"Uh, Geoff?'

I turned and approached her, she held the screen towards me. In a corner of the screen it said, "no service". I reached into my pocket and checked my own phone, same dilemma. "Shit."

"What do we do?" Amber asked, there was a shake in her voice. This was bad, if panic sets in one's party is doomed to get lost.

I put my hand on her shoulder and tried to exhume as much calming confidence as I could. "We're going to head east."

"Why?"

"Mountains, civilization tends to gather around those. That and houses usually tend to face the sun."

"What, really?"

"Yeah, sure, whatever. You got a better plan?"

With that, we set off towards the mountains. Through all of this, my hand still clenched around the handle of my knife.

After we walked for at least five minutes the landscape got pretty weird. The grass turned to what looked like little broccoli. We shrugged it off, calling it lichen, then we noticed the patterns.

If the stuff beneath us was natural, then what lay ahead was not. In perfect rows lay more of the small lichen on what looked to be tilled soil.

"Is that?"

"I have no idea, dude."

We kept walking and then stopped. A few hundred feet from us was a farm, or a farm for very small dolls at least. "What the fuck?" I muttered, looking at Amber.

"Do, do we go check it out?"

I stared at her and the "doll farm". "Uh, yeah, fuck it."

As we got closer I was able to make out a barn, a house, and a large fenced in acreage; all of it barely six inches tall. Amber had bent down to inspect the fauna we'd been crushing before shouting, "Geoff! They're apple trees!"

I barely heard her, nothing could be possible about this place. What I saw running out of the barn was in all ways impossible. I was insane, this was insane, my head was full of fuck. I tried to speak, all that came out was a whisper.

"The toys were right."

Amber looked up at me, saw where I was looking, and froze when she followed my gaze.

There, running towards us, maybe an inch tall, was an orange pony. Behind it was a red one, and behind it was a smaller yellow one. It was the Apple family, Applejack, Big Macintosh, and Apple Bloom. They stopped about a foot from us, yelling or something.

"Amber?" I whispered?"

"Yeah?" There was that tremor of fear a gain.

"I am freaking out, but I'm going to make contact." She whipped her gaze to me, probably about to say that we had been drugged when I waved.

We looked at the little ponies and waited, after a few seconds they waved back. I guess we weren't too much of a threat.

I reached a hand down in front of the ponies, smiling. If I'd been drugged, I was living the damn dream; ever since I was little I had wanted to be a giant monster, or robot.

Now at this point I was surprised at the bravery of these little equines, Applejack hopped into my blooming hand. This was like an Asian businessman hopping into the hand of Godzilla. I brought her up between Amber's face and my own and said the only thing a human envoy can say to an alien species. "Hi."

We could barely hear her, but Applejack responded nonetheless. "Well howdy, are you two giants?"

Amber and I chuckled a little before I replied. "Nah, you're just tiny."

Applejack and Amber gave me short glares before the attention turned back to the pony in my hands. "Well, I'm Applejack, anything I can do for ya'?"

"Uh, shrink us?" Amber asked, we both stared at her.

"She ain't a unicorn."

"I ain't a unicorn."

Applejack and I turned to each other, she was curious and I need a save. "Go find a unicorn." I set her on the ground, watched her look up at me, talk to her siblings, and then run off. I stared at the little red and yellow ponies on the ground and they stared back at me, Applebloom hiding behind her big brother.

I was insane, this had to be a hallucination.

I turned to Amber, we made eye contact, and I could see my own fear and disbelief reflected in her pupils.

Author's Note

This chapter was from my point of view, whereas the next will be from Amber's; the rest of the story will alternate in that order.
This story is going to be lots of fun to write, and hopefully a glimpse into a fictional life of a fan fiction writer and his fan fiction reading friend will fictionally entertain your fictional brains.
FICTION.