The Day After Your Last

by ThePristineEye

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Human
Length: 1981

Barney, a pretty well rounded police officer gets killed in an explosion. His only options are too go to Tartarus or be stuck in limbo, but another option opens. The Equestrian Plan. He accepts the plan not knowing the consequences.

Barney, a pretty well rounded police officer, gets killed in an explosion. His only options are too go to Tartarus or be stuck in limbo, but another option shows its ugly face, The Equestrian Plan. He accepts the plan not knowing the consequences. What awaits him in the magical land of Equestria?

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-11-19 08:06:26 UTC

Early Bird

Chapter 1:  Early Bird

Olympia, the Capital of Washington State, of course some people think Seattle is the Capital which actually would make sense considering all the tourist traps, but as a residence of Olympia I can guarantee you this is the Capital.

It was around midnight with all the light pollution; the night sky wasn't as majestic as it should be. Of course no one cared in Downtown Olympia. Everyone out after sundown were stoners, alcoholics, thieves, you name it. Olympia was relatively small making police response time extremely fast, so nothing too crazy ever happened.

One man, let’s call him Haris. A short man with a large overcoat and large yet versatile boots was waiting in an alleyway with big plans that he didn't have time to regret.

A significantly taller man named simply Tom was approaching Haris. He had lightly tanned skin and a coat similar to Haris’s, he wore flip-flops and a really stupid grin on his face.

“Ya bring the pre-paid phone Tom?”

“Yep.”

“Ya plant the Explosives?”

“Yep.”

“One last thing, do me a favor and wipe that stupid grin off your face.” Haris said clearly annoyed by Tom’s enthusiasm.

Tom frowned, angrily muttered something in Spanish, and then handed Haris the pre-paid phone.

“Alright, these phones have tracking devices so we’re going to need to be there when I make the call, but once the call is made You and I are going to move to the building on the opposite side of the street, Comprende?”

“Understood Haris.”

“I can already see it, the carnage will be so beautiful.”

Barney, a friendly police officer, along with thirty other officers was responding to a hostage situation at the local theatre, the phone had no track records and mysteriously disappeared after the call. It was odd at the least but hostage situations are not to be treated lightly.

“07, have you arrived at the scene? Over”

“No radio, I am about three blocks away. And please, call me Barney.”

“I’ll call you Barney when you start calling me Angie. Over.”

“I’ll call you Angie when we’re off duty, radio.”

“Don’t forget you still owe me that free lunch. Over.”

“Screw you radio.”

A blind moose could even tell there was a thing going on between Barney and Angie. Every time someone brought it up they denied everything, his colleagues have been waiting for him to make a move for ages. This weekend he was planning on asking her out on a date and then giving her earrings he picked out, it may not be marriage but it was a commitment none the less that he felt would seal the deal.

As he arrived at the scene, something felt off. There was no lights coming from the building and all was quiet. He figured since the man who claimed the hostages was the one who called, he would make it a little more obvious. A small SWAT team was ready to barge through the door when the word was given.

“All officers currently at the Theatre, please take cover and ready your firearms.” Barney heard from his Walkie-Talkie. Barney guessed that they already tried negotiating and it didn’t turn out so well. Either way if he didn’t take cover and ready his weapon he could lose his badge, he did so yet hesitated when he saw a man on the roof of the building across from the theatre.

Since the other building wasn’t that tall he was able to tell the man on the roof was holding something with a long antenna and a series of switches, a triggering device.

“Bomb! Everyone scatter!” Barney yelled in the direction of the Squad Cars. It was to late, his yelling must have alerted the man on the roof.  Smoke shot out of every direction, a loud booming noise made his ears bleed and everything around him was engulfed in a white light.

This was the end of the road for Barney.

The white light slowly dissipated but not completely, although everything was still bright as all hell. Barney was able to make out a long corridor he was in the middle of. Having no other options he decides to walk the path directly in front of him. He walked for what felt like hours yet never felt exhaustion or hunger. Eventually he came across a door simply labeled: Mr. Endo.

He entered the door with no other motive than curiosity and fear of snow blindness from the unbearable corridor. Thankfully the room provided rest for his eyes as the walls were a simple gray and tan striped pattern, not the best color choice but he wasn’t here to judge someone’s design choices. At the end of the relatively small room was a desk that had a globe of a planet he did not recognize and an odd pendulum device. Beside that there was a nameplate that said the same thing as the door Mr. Endo.

Behind the desk was the oddest thing he’s seen that wasn't on a TV screen. He saw a large man with red colored skin, a small beard, a horned Germanic Iron age helmet, and a formal attire completed with a polo tie.

“We were expecting you Barney, I’m glad you took time out of your busy life to visit us a little earlier that expected,” The red man said in a burly voice. “Please, Sit.”

Barney was speechless, he just wanted to wake up from this horrid dream and grab a cup of coffee. But reluctantly he sat down. “Are you a demon or something?” barney asked.

The red man laughed but couldn't retain the laugh for long without coughing his lungs out. “No, My name is Mr. Endo. I’m your travel agent.”

“What do you mean ‘Travel Agent’ I don’t want to go anywhere!”

“Oh but Mr. Barney Liwire, I apologize but you have no choice, you are not eligible for the Wake-Up-In-A-Hospital Package and all the reincarnation slots are booked,” He said sounding legitimately disappointed.

“Hospital, Reincarnation what in the world are you-“

“You’re dead Mr. Liwire,” Endo interrupted. “I’d love to sit here chat or argue, but we got to discuss your afterlife plan.”

Barney gave in; although this was a lot to take in he was a reasonable man and felt it was in his best interest to let Endo speak. “Alright, please continue.”

“I’m glad you’re a reasonable man Barney, many before you weren’t so fortunate,” He said with a sigh, clearly he’s dealt with some pretty annoying people in his past.

“Hurry up before I change my mind.”

Endo took his statement seriously and quickly gathered some papers from a drawer in his desk. “Sadly, The Road to Elysium is blocked by soldiers of Tartarus,. A small non-profit group has made Elysium-Two but they are currently full. You’re only option is to be dropped to Tartarus or be stuck in limbo forever.”

Both of those options sounded horrid. “Can’t I help with the battle of Elysium or something?” Barney was on the edge of yelling. “I mean come on help me out a little!”

“You aren't a Elysium God, You aren't eligible for battle. Tartarus isn't that bad, you just have to avoid-“

“No! Please No!” Barney cut him off.

“The battle to Elysium will last about… eight more years give or take, I can hook you up with the Equestrian Package but it would be strictly temporary. Once the road to Elysium is cleared you’ll immediately be relocated.”

Barney has heard the word equestrian before in an Art Museum, although he forgot what the word meant since he never really looked into it, anything sounded better than hell. “I’ll take it.”

“But you don’t even know the specifics, I mean-.”

“Any place is better than hell, just do it.”

Endo clearly annoyed of how often he has been interrupted in this conversation looked at Barney and sighed. “Okay, whatever, I’ll sign the paper work. Three doors to your right, it’s the pink door.”

“Thank you.” Barney said as he began to leave Endo’s office.

“And tell Zecora Endo says hi!” Endo said before the door closed.

Ponies and magic would be the last thing Barney expected to be beyond that door. But you and I both know it’s too obvious right?

Evaluation

Chapter 2: Evaluation

“What is your name?” a male voice said

Barney tired, exhausted and suffering from a small migraine held his eyes shut and attempted to sleep despite the voice.

“I know your awake sir, just answer the question.”

“Barney Liwire” he groaned. Once he said that he heard scribbling and forced his eyes open. What he saw startled him, he jumped out of the bed he was in and into a corner of the room. He was staring face to face with a light brown colored horse with a black mane and reading glasses.

“That’s an odd name for a pony, what is your settlement of origin?” the light orange-ish colored horse continued.

“Did you just call me a…” he was observing the room in a panic, he looks toward a nearby mirror. Through the mirror he saw a horse with gray colored fur, a blond short mane, and blue eyes. It took a moment to process and to be honest with himself he had a fear of horses, He never knew why. “What is this? Who are you?” he yells before jumping off the bed he was in. “As a member of the Washington State Police Department, I ca-”

“Calm down Mr. Liwire before I am forced to get the restraints. Just answer the question”

How could he answer a question when he had so many of his own? It’s like paying someone else’s bills. “Alright  Mr. Eh…”

“Call me Dr, Stable”

“Alright Stable, what do you plan on doing with this info?”

“Well, you’re in a hospital Mr. Liwire if it wasn’t obvious enough. it’s just standard procedure, it will also help us contact your family and tell them your fine. You took a nasty fall, some could have sworn you came from absolutely nowhere.”

Barney chuckled lightly pondering on the last thing Stable said “Ya…” he rubbed the back of his neck nervously while still trying to seem casual. The most unnerving thing about all this was the realization he had no fingers. He fumbled a bit but he got on top of the hospital bed he was on before he panicked.

“Thank you Mr. Liwire, now please answer my question. What is your settlement of origin?”

Settlement? Did he mean town, or city, or state? He couldn’t decide so he went with the complete package “Born, raised in Manhattan Pennsylvania, I currently live and have a mailing address in Olympia Washington.”

Dr Stable scribbled something off the records “By any chance, do you mean Manehattan?”

“What? No.”

“Nevermind, let’s move us one. What is your special talent?” Dr. Stable asks.

“Eh, I don’t know. I’m pretty good at Photoshop I guess.”

“Photoshop… what is- I don’t think you understand, I mean your ‘special’ talent.”

What did he mean “special” talent? Barney didn’t really know what he meant by this and his odd sense of humor was implying something a lot worse. “I don’t know what you mean…”

“Jee, you got hit in the head p-r-e-t-t-y hard. You know, the meaning of your cutie mark and all?”

“My what now?”

“great, I’m not giving a class on equine anatomy so let’s move on,” he sighs. “do you have any pre-existing medical conditions that would prevent you from taking any prescriptions?”

“No.”

“Already then, I have come to the conclusion that you are utterly insane, and many of my colleges would agree.  You will spend four months in an equine rehabilitation clinic.”

Great, first time you meet a talking horse he locks you up in an insane asylum.