The Legend of LaserPon3: Race to the Butt of Perfection

by Bonk6

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Adventure, DJ P0N-3, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance, Original Character, Comedy
Length: 3251

LaserPon3 looks for a rump with Tombstone while evading Yaplap and others, until the plot takes a turn.

LaserPon3 gets recruited by Tombstone to impress Prince Delachord in a contest to see who gets to touch his butt. Meanwhile, Yaplap, a mysterious mare, and others attempt to stop them or try and aid them on their race to the butt of perfection.

Published 2013-10-25 02:10:08 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-13 02:12:23 UTC

An Unexpected Acquaintance

The Legend of LaserPon3: Race to the Butt of Perfection

Prologue:

My story is a long and perilous one. I would have perished, if it weren't for her. But I still live to tell this tale, with my treasure with me at all times. I feel you need to know this, my daughter, but I fear he still searches for us, to finally get his revenge. Here is my story, written to you by your father, LaserPon3:

Chapter One: An Unexpected Acquaintance

It was time to tidy up the house. Last night was a blast, but parties never last forever. After spending much of my time putting away my laser equipment, I moved on to the mess of overturned pizzas and knocked over soda cans on my floor. "Another day, another party. Just how I like-"

"Hellooooo?" Someone called out, knocking loudly on my door with a hoof.

With a slight smile I called back, heading to open the door. "If you passed out in my yard after last night, I'm sorry to say that the party's over, dude!" I turned the knob and blinked at the strange pony before me.

"Passed out? Crazy talk! I've walked here from my laboratory!" The blue pony explained. He had a spiked light blue mane with red tips, wore a lab coat and bore a cutie mark of a tombstone.

I blinked again, then replied, "Riiiiiiight. Well! How can I help you?"

"May I buy you a drink over at the pub, Laser?" The pony spared no time getting to the point.

"Wait, hold on a second here!" I waved a hoof as I spoke, surprised at the offer. "I don't even know your name and you're taking me out for a drink? Albeit, I don't normally drink anyways!"

The strange pony chuckled heartily. "I am Professor Lee Tombstone! And if you don't normally drink, then what harm could one drink with a new acquaintance do, hmm? Now, no more dilly dallying!" He then turned on a hoof and headed into town, moving towards the PegaPub. Hesitantly, I followed along, under my breath questioning my life.

Two and a half drinks later and we were chuckling at each other's every word. "And then I said, I'll put it on my Tombstone!" "And it turned out that's not how you perform laser eye surgery!" "And I said heeeeyeeeeyeeeeeyeyey!"

After a long while of giggling like school fillies, Tomb finally popped the question. "So, you want to know why I've brought you here?" Still feeling bubbly from the drinks, I simply nodded with a wacky grin on my face.

"Well," Tomb began, "There is a prince in the Water Palace, very far from where we are now, whom is told to have the most glorious rump in the world. The butt of perfection, even. He is fully aware of this and is holding a contest for whoever can entertain him getting the privilege of feeling that rear. I would love more than anything to be able to, and with your laser show and my map to the palace I see no way we can lose!"

I gigglesnorted and extended a wobbly hoof. "I'll help you feel the butt, Professor!"

Tomb excitedly shook my drunk hoof and laughed again. "Then the first thing you should know about me is that I'm not actually a Professor! I just wanted to seem more formal than a crazy pony such as myself might seem!"

The blue waitress mare with pointy dark blue and black streaks in her mane brought over another round of drinks, and we toasted to the start of our journey.

Sitting on the stool right behind Tomb was an orange stallion with greasy black hair, listening in on their conversation. He started muttering to himself, "Not if I get there first.." He then got up, paid the waitress for his glass of water and left.

The stallion moved swiftly, heading up the hill and then standing in front of my home. "Ahem!" He cleared his throat, then knocked urgently on my door. He stood there, waiting, until he finally decided no one was home. Sneaking around the back and kicking in a window, he broke in. Once he found what he was looking for, he placed a tracking device inside a compartment of my laser gear, and left as quickly as he came.

And so my journey began, as all journey's do. Even the band Journey began once. Unless they used the Phoenix Gate, like I did... Wait, did I tell you about that yet? Maybe I shouldn't get ahead of myself. Maybe I should also stop talking to myself when I'm supposed to be talking to you, my daughter. ...Where was I? Oh yes! My journey began, we packed my laser equipment (not noticing the broken glass in the back room, or the tracker) and got on the train best suited for the path indicated on Tomb's map. Little did I know that I had just made both an ally and an enemy. But hey, that's why I typically don't drink. Follow this first step, so the time stream doesn't collapse and so I don't look stupid for writing false events. I'm counting on you, even though the events to follow I will later find to be undesirable, with you taking to him and all. I've said the first instruction already, so I should probably end it here. It just pains me that I can't tell you this myself. Stay strong, my girl. You will see me again very soon, as long as you follow this guide. I know you can do it.

-LP3

The Plot Thickens

Chapter Two: The Plot Thickens

"What was his name, again?"

"Michael Delachord, Prince of the Water Palace and heir to the throne!"

"Ah. Alrighty, then." Finally sober, I began to question leaving home with a stranger to win privileges to a royal rump. But hey, too late to turn back now right? We sat there on the train, heading North. A pony across from us had his face buried in a newspaper. Another down the way had his headphones in his ears, looking bored. One was even snoring soundly, not awake to realize the noise he was making. Though there weren't any other ponies around, which made traveling very boring. I missed my parties already.

An attendant mare opened the door to our cart and trotted towards us, carrying a platter with a bottle of some soda sitting alone on top. "Your drink, Mr. LaserPon3."

I looked up at her curiously. "I didn't order a drink.. Sorry, this must be a mistake." I chuckled to myself, and out of the corner of my eye saw the mare smile.

"Oh, I'm sorry sir. My mistake." She then turned and walked the other way.

Already forgetting the occurrence, I turned my head, catching the stallion with the newspaper looking over said newspaper and right at me. Quickly he lifted the paper to hide his face once more. I turned to Tomb, "Did you see that pony looking-" Just then the orange stallion sprung up and pointed a gun at the two of us.

"Gah!" Tomb uttered, startled as we both threw our hooves into the air. I may or may not have actually hugged Tomb closer to me instead. The bored pony some seats away from us looked up and instantly jumped behind his seat, hiding. The sleeping pony twitched a hoof and continued snoring.

"You two!" The stallion chuckled crazily, giving us a look that read 'Insane and ready to splatter brains'. "You are handing over your gear to me, now!"

"W-why?!" I managed to squeak out. "We don't even know you!!"

That sent the pony into a fit of laughter, his gruff yet someone high pitched voice frightening me immensely. "Yeah! Durr! I'm robbing you, not making friends! What do you expect me to do? Shake your hoof, say 'Hiya, name's Yaplap, how do you do'? Pahaha! You're a funny one, you are!" He then jolted his wrist and I quickly hoofed him my bag. "And the map!" Tomb quickly tossed it away from himself, then sprung his hoof right back up.

"That's a good pony!" Yaplap bent over to pick the map up, when WHAM! The mare from earlier whacked him on the head with the platter. He fell, unconcious and drooling as we both sat there, mouths agape and dumbfounded.

"Well," the blue attendant mare started, tossing the platter casually onto Yaplap's body, "he will be out cold for an hour and 12 minutes, or less depending on how fast you two move. Good work, by the way!" Neither of us moved an inch, not even to thank the mare.

She then pulled the line to get the conductor to stop the train, hoofed us back our things and opened the door. "Alright, you two have your head start, now use it!"

Tomb took no time after that to get up and bolt out the door. I reluctantly walked to the exit, turning to talk to our hero. "Thank you for saving us, miss.."

She grinned. "Didn't save you yet! He will wake up and follow you, no matter what."

"How will he know where to go without the map? We're safe now, yes?"

She shook her head at me. "Can't say how without changing things, but you should get going."

I looked out to see Tomb flailing an impatient hoof from the woods at me to follow. I once more turned to the mare. "Who are you? How do you know all of this?"

She smiled and said, "All in good time, father." She then proceeded to push me off the train and slammed the door shut, giving me little time to scurry back as the train started again.

"...Father?!"

"Damnit Laser!" Tomb yelled, running up and dragging me away. "You heard her, we've got to skipideebop on out of here!"

"B-but.."

"Exactly! Let's go get the butt instead of sticking around here, shall we?"

And so we continued, now trying to get the quest over with as fast as we could. Who knew there'd be danger in this simple adventure? I did, or will, back then.

One Step Closer to the Edge

Chapter 3: One Step Closer to the Edge

We hiked for what seemed like days, even though I knew it was still the same night. Every time I looked at my watch it said we only left about an hour ago, but I didn't buy it. Literally, it was an anonymous gift on my door one day, and I never had to pay for a thing.

"So that mare," Tomb started saying as he walked ahead of me, "she said that Yaplap guy would wake up in an hour?"

"And twelve minutes," I added. "And that she's my daughter."

"So that would imply that he still needs to travel here after, and break free from whatever she contained him in, correct?" He asked, ignoring my second statement.

"She also said I'm her father," I restated.

"Then we have nothing to worry about!" Tomb exclaimed, putting a skip in his stride. "If she's really that accurate, then at the rate we're going at we'll make it to the palace long before he finds us! And-"

We both stopped as we heard a twig break, about 20 feet from our spot in the woods. "Who's there?" I said, as typical of a thing to say as it is. I thought for sure Yaplap had found us.

"I could be asking you the same question," a voice replied, a sea blue stallion stepping out from behind a tree. His buttmark was of two hearts, and he wore a long goatee just as brown as his mane and tail. "Name's Cliff. And you two would be..?"

"Hello!" Tomb replied, waving a hoof merrily. I tried to do the same, and almost dropped my laser gear. "I am Professor Lee Tombstone! And this is my partner LaserPon3!" He waggled a hoof in my direction.

Rolling my eyes, I said "He isn't a professor, he's just a mad scientist. Emphasis on mad. Maybe not so much scientist."

Cliff looked back and forth between the two of us, his face telling me that he thought we were both nuts. "Yeeeeeees... And why exactly are you marching through my land? I don't typically get a lot of visitors."

"Well," Tomb started, "We are trying to get to the Water Palace, and judging from my map.." He pulled said map out of his coat pocket, looking it over. "We should be coming up on a ravine with a bridge, yes?"

Cliff noded to us. "It's only a little ways more up the hill, and past that is a straight and short shot to the palace. We're on the edge of their grounds right now. C'mon, I'll take you there." He waved a hoof, then began walking further into the woods. With a shrug we followed Cliff up just a stroll's way away, coming to the rickety rope bridge.

"This is the road less traveled to get to the palace," Cliff continued, stopping at the bridge. "If you had come the other way you would have gotten a royally bricked street, and a train station."

"Oh, would we have?" Tomb muttered just low enough to not be heard by our guide, looking tired from our hour hike.

We both started to cross as Cliff said a few parting words. "Tell the guards you're entertainers, they always let those ponies in!"

"We actually are, so we're good there!" I called back over my shoulder at him.

"AAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!" Cliff's voice screamed, getting quieter as he went. We quickly looked back to see Yaplap with one hoof retracting, laughing maniacally.

"DIDYOUJUSTFUCKINGPUSHHIM?!" I blurted in shock, but without answering he launched ninja stars at the bridge nearest to him, slicing the ropes on one end. Evasively Tomb grabbed the side of the bridge and the flailing me with his two front hooves, forcing him to drop the map.

"ADBMGDCNJDDVJG!" Would be a good way to spell the sound I was making as I dangled off the edge of the ravine, held up only by a partial stranger while a crazed murderer had, of course, the ability to use throwing stars. He lobbed another one, hitting the top of the other rope. We were stranded on the last straw, quite literally.

"You two stay there so I can collect you're gear! That is, if you don't mind hanging around a bit longer!" Yaplap cackled, leaving us to head around the edge of the rift.

Tomb gripped my hoof tighter, yelling down at me. "SWING THE ROPE!"

"WHAT?!" I was feeling woozy, looking down into the foggy abyss.

Without repeating, Tomb started to go without my help, using momentum to propel himself forward and back. Catching on, I did the same. With yhe wind rushing through my mane we finally swung over the ledge, landing on it with a thump. We muttered in pain, turning to see the palace gates in front of us.

Author's Note

This was postponed far too long, my deepest apologies.

When This Baby Hits 88

Chapter 4: When This Baby Hits 88

"Maybe we shouldn't go in.." Tomb said to me, looking very much ruffled up from this journey.

"We finally made it, Tomb. We are not turning back now."

He looked down at his hooves, then over to me. "This mess was all my fault.. I can't put you through more of it, dude.."

I turned and put a hoof on his shoulder, and as he looked up at me I told him, "There'd be more trouble heading back then going in. We're in this together, until we can get that psycho off of our tails."

He nodded in reply, pulling himself back together. We both headed to the gate guards, told them we were there for the contest, and they let us pass into the large courtyard.

There were lawn mowers driving across the large open fields, with a path straight down the middle to the gigantic and majestic palace. On top of the stairway to its doors sat on a throne Prince Delachord himself, and below the stairs was a line of contestants.

A griffon in a top hat was currently singing to the Prince. "One Trick Pony's only got one song-"

"Enough, enough," the Prince said, obviously bored. "If you've only got one song, then why would I pick you? Seems like that would get old fast. I am no longer amused by you, bird, now fly back to your nest. Next!"

A lone pig then walked up, looking at Prince Delachord. The Prince looked back down, thinking thoughtfully. "..Yeah pig. Next!"

After a few more contestants, Tomb and I walked up. With a gulp, I started unpacking my laser equipment while the Prince sat up in his seat, trying to get a better look. I turned on the machine, and neon outlines of stripping ponies appeared on the pathway.

Tomb quickly turned to me, "What the hell did you do?!"

"I forgot what I last had on there!" I exclaimed back, quickly turning it off and putting it back in the bag. "Come on, let's get out of here before-"

I was cut off by the sound of whistling. I looked up to see Prince Delachord clopping his hooves together, applauding our show. "Brilliant! Beautiful! Erotic and talented! Come, come! You two may touch my butt!" He motioned for us to come up the stairway to heaven, and we did.

"What are your names, you two?" He asked, having a servant take his robe so he could get down from his throne.

"Well," Tomb started to respond. "I'm-"

Before he could finish, a booming cackle could be heard from down below. I only caught a glimpse of Yaplap, driving a lawnmower at an alarming speed and in our direction. Before a could react, I turned at the sound of screaming to see Prince Delachord clutching his face, shouting, "MY EYE! THESE TWO BROKE MY EYE! KILL THEM!!"

Without even thinking, I bolted. I ran, I ran so far and fast, away from everyone, through the palace doors. Guards were chasing me down through every hallway, and I didn't have time to process any of it. Entering a large open room, the voice of a tour guide echoed in my ears, "And this priceless artifact is called the Phoenix Gate, which is told to have the power to-" That was all I heard, before I crashed head first into the display. The artifact landed in my lap, and I saw the guards start to turn the other way as a bright light shone, until it turned into daylight.

I blinked. There was daylight all around me, because I was outside. I was on a park bench, my laser equipment still on my back, and a Phoenix encrusted object fell into pieces, having accidentally been crushed by my hoof.

"Where am-" A pony on a bicycle threw a newspaper in my face as he passed by. I picked it up, reading the front page.

"Hark! King Larson and Queen Alicorn OC have given birth to two twin Princes of the land, Prince Michael Delachord and Prince Whatever! We shall remember this day, September 29th, 1985 as the-"

"..." I looked at those last few words again. "..1985. 1985?! I'm.. In the past!"