Celestial Bodies

by Davesknd

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna, Original Character
Length: 12007

There are things that will be written into the books of history. These stories will not!

Being an immortal goddess and supreme ruler of a nation is stressful. But sometimes you just have to cope with weird things. These are short stories about things that might or might not have happened, but were certainly erased from Equestrian history.

Published 2011-10-11 18:28:22 UTC
Last updated 2018-03-25 13:29:22 UTC

Followers of the New Moon

“We, the Followers of Nightmare Moon, have come to announce the end of an era!” A tall pony in a black and purple cloak announced. Several other ponies in similar cloaks had entered the throne room, making the royal guards slightly nervous.

The two princesses looked at them in confusion.
“Isn’t the delegation from Stalliongrad supposed to be here now?” Luna asked, looking through her schedule.

“Do not distract from our demand!” The speaker announced “We are the Followers of eternal night! We, who hide from the tyrant Celestia’s terrible gaze! We demand to be heard!”

“Luna, I promise that I have never discriminated against your followers!” Celestia stressed “I just sent infiltrators to make sure they did nothing silly like sacrificing foals, but never discriminated.”

Luna was dumbstruck at this concept. *I have followers!*

“Ha! You have not lightened the darkness of our lines with your traitors!” the leader stated proudly. “Your days are numbered, tyrant! Nightmare Moon has returned and she will be here with us in a moment! Then your sphere on fire will no longer vanquish our wonderful night!”

“Erm... that was a month ago.” Celestia said very gently.

“No, the mare in the moon vanished one month ago! According to our calculations, even an enormous pony, like Nightmare Moon needs at least 3 weeks to get to Equestria from the moon. And we understand her well enough to know that she will strike you down under a full moon. The same moon, you banished her to!”

“You do realize that it is 10 in the morning?”

“We had to find a slot where all our members were available! We’ll return later. This is just our dramatic reveal.” The leader explained.

Luna started rubbing her forehead with her hoof. “I don’t want to shatter your dreams, but I didn’t *fly* back to Equestria. I teleported here! And I have to disappoint you further: the whole *Eternal night* thing is cancelled! I rule alongside my sister now.”

“Wait, you are Nightmare Moon?” The leader asked in confusion “But, aren’t you... bigger? And more evil looking?”

“That’s our goddess?” some other cultist asked “Why is she smaller than the established one?”

“Well, at least she is pretty...” another offered.

“But I thought she looked all cool with that star-mane!”

“Quiet!” the leader demanded. He had to overplay this. “So... why don’t we live under an eternal moon now? We kinda expected to be announced your favourites for helping with taking over.”

“Oh, I lost.” Luna stated calmly “Goodness and Harmony won. My armour was shattered and my dear sister offered me my place by her side.”

“Horseapples!” The leader muttered “I collect tomes over tomes, start this cult, organize regular meetings and even get these uniforms... and our goddess gets beaten without us even around!”

“So... what now, boss?” one other cultist asked

“Give me a moment! I have to improvise here!” the leader yelled “So, can we talk you into trying again?”

“No, sorry.” Luna answered honestly “I really enjoy not being driven by hate, spite and vengeance.”

“You might want to take some notes, dear.” One of the female cultists remarked.

“Not helping, love!”

“May I ask a question?” Celestia asked suddenly, but did not wait for a response “Do you think it is right to indoctrinate fillies into your midst? I highly doubt that their parents would agree!”

The cult leader turned and looked into the direction, Celestia was pointing.

“Them? We didn’t really indoctrinate them! They suddenly showed up and demanded to be part. We keep them as mascots, since our female members seem to like them...”

“CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS CULT FOLLOWERS!”

“SO CUTE!”

“Boss, you are squeeing again!”

“Erm... So... do we have to face a trial or something?”

Celestia and Luna exchanged a few whispers.

“Of course not! You have not committed any crimes and it is up to every pony to dress up in silly uniforms and gather every week to plot the return of the rightful ruler!” Celestia ruled regally.

“Thank you, sister. But to be honest, I really like that hooded robe look. And that black-purple combination with the silver moon...”

At this point, somewhere in Ponyville, Rarity felt a disturbance in the fashion. As if thousands screamed “cliché” at once and were suddenly getting louder.

“Thank you, milady. I designed them myself.” The leader answered filled with pride “And I have to point to my beloved second in command, who does a wonderful job at washing and repair.”

“Erm... boss. Can we get on with this? Since there is no eternal night, I do have to get back to my shift in half an hour!” Another cultist asked.

“I guess I could give you a reward for your loyalty...” Luna offered, feeling flattered. She had followers now! That was awesome!

“Sorry, but no thank you.” The leader sighed “I formed this cult to win, not to get the pity-price!”

The leader turned to go, when Celestia rose. “The report stated 30 memebers. I only see 27, Agent Shadow!” She said with a bit of a grin.

“Oh, we counted ourselves too. And Red called in sick. He has the flu!” the second in command explained.

“And why are you here now and not in two hours?”

“The boss tricked the ambassador from Stalliongrad into a fight with the mayor from Horstria’s capital. They changed places with us.” She added quickly.

“Diamond Shadow?” The leader yelled, after getting over his shock “How could you? I thought you loved me!”

“Can we talk about that later, hon?”

“Who is the other one?”

“That’s me!” another cult follower waved “Sorry boss! But your last speech was great!”

“Wonderful... I missed the rebellion, my marefriend is an infiltrator and I ordered 200 packages of Mushroom seeds in advance!” the leader muttered, while leaving.

“If it helps... I had ways of making plants grow without direct sunlight.” Luna intervened a bit awkwardly.

“How about we continue meeting?” One cultist offered, while leaving “I mean all we ever did was play and frolic in the night to appease our goddess... we could do that, just without the whole dressing up...”

“The robes stay!”

“Fine, boss...”

After some shuffling and disappointed muttering, only the two infiltrators were left.

“I expect a full report at the end of the week.” Celestia ordered with a mischievous smile “And, Agent Shadow. The rules are rather strict about relationships with your targets.”

“Princess, I only pursued the relationship after I ensured that the cult was harmless!” the agent answered loudly, but added silently “And I want to see you try and resist a stallion with that much charisma AND so many great mushroom recipes.”

“Dismissed!” Celestia ordered and suppressed a very regal giggle.

Luna looked over to her sister. “Tia... can I keep the cult?”

The break room court

This is a little tie-in to Draconic Troubles. And a chance for me to take a Thesaurus bend it over and make it think of England! Sorry, a Horsetrian, trying to write Luna-english has no other choice.

„AND FOR THIS VILE DISPLAY, WE, THE PRINCESS OF THE NIGHT, HEREBY DECREE THAT THOU, PHALANX, AND THOU, DUSTY FEATHERS...”

“LUNA!” the princess of the Sun interrupted her sister. Celestia had heard the Official Royal Canterlot Voice from across the hallway and instantly charged to intervene. She was pretty sure that some places in Ponyville, Horstralia and Phillydelphia had heard it too.

“OH, SISTER! WE WERE JUST ABOUT TO SENTENCE THESE RAPSCALLIONS TO...” Luna started again, her volume still being at the level of roaring jet engines.

At her hoofs were two other ponies:
Phalanx a Pegasus guard and Dusty, one of the many maids in the castle. Both ponies were shivering, and Phalanx had a tear in his eye. Dusty was either made of sterner stuff than the veteran or, as Celestia expected, her mind had shut down completely during Luna’s speech and was currently far away from this break room.

“Erm, Luna, can we talk for a moment?” Celestia tried.

“BUT CERTAINLY! STATE YOUR THOUGHTS!” Luna answered, almost managing to disturb Celestia’s magically flowing mane with her voice.

“No, can WE as in *you and I* talk for a moment?” The sun princess tried again.

“OH, CERTAINLY! JUST LET US PASS JUDGEMENT ON THESE TWO.”

“Luna, I’m not going to, wait, us as in...” Celestia tried to intervene. She swore in her head, now remembering why exactly she abolished the plural majestatis. “No, this is about the offense. We have to talk about that!”

“THEN STATE YOU-“ “NO! You come with me, us... all... four of us will talk in our room, now!”

“Does that include us?” Phalanx asked with a frightened voice.

“NO!” Celestia answered and teleported herself and other princesses away.

“So... what is it, Tia?” Luna asked, after arriving in Celestia’s room.

“Luna, we have to talk about this... offense!” the white alicorn stated.

“Oh, vile indecency! And they didn’t even consider it! And out of wedlock! Can you imagine? I tell you, sister, this is a terrible sign, if even the guard has members this depraved!”

“Luna, Phalanx is one of my personal guards. I usually don’t choose depraved individuals for that position.” Celestia calmly explained.

“OH, so it was that little scallywag, Dusty! I would have never guessed that one of our maids could possibly be so vile and...”

“Did you just say scallywag?” Celestia asked. Oh goodness... did she talk like that too, at some point?

“The waggiest of them all!”

“Luna! That has never been a word!”

“What I am trying to convey is this: Our servants are depraved, sister! Immoral and despicable!” Luna stressed, closing in on her sister.

“LUNA! Calm down!” Celestia replied. This would be a... complex conversation.

“How can I calm? How can I rest in a castle that is cleaned by hoofs and mouths that were used for such vile displays of exchange?” Luna asked sternly.

“Sister, did you read the books I suggested?”

“Of course! The “Guide to important inventions”, The “Eggheads guide to pony development” and the “History for ponies with way too much time”. All very interesting, even though the names might put you off your guard.”

“You did not read the last one?”

“I figured it was simply one of your pranks, since the title contained a dirty word. A rather weak prank, I have to admit. You could do so much better without...”

“Sexuality, is not a dirty word!” Celestia wailed.

“CELESTIA!” Luna answered in shock.

“The “Development of Sexuality in the last centuries” is not a dirty book!” Celestia stressed.

“Well, it certainly doesn’t sound like a book a princess should read!” Luna answered, now blushing furiously “Especially an ageless one with little chance of ever needing it!”

*You would be surprised...* Celestia thought, but instead said “I really think that you might want to take a look at the changes in pony’s mindsets. That would explain why the two... scallywags didn’t feel guilty for what they did.”

“NOT FEEL GUILTY?” Luna almost screamed back “You did not witness their... terribly inappropriate, undignified, horrendously and outright salacious display!”

“Luna!”

“I mean... you did not see it? His hoofs were... were... touching her... FETLOCKS!”

“Luna!”

“And her tail was... outright swaying!”

“Luna!”

“And then the act! Their lips! Did I mention the LIPS? They were TOUCHING!”

“THEY SHARED A BLOODY KISS!” Celestia yelled in the traditional Canterlot voice.

“And out of wedlock! Did I mention that?” Luna nodded. “Now, since we are on the same page here, we can return and pass judgement! What do you say? Two months of dungeon? Flogging?”

“Luna, we can’t do that!”

“You are right; I have to think of their child!”

“Oh my goodness!”

Duties and Judgement

Court was almost over and Celestia allowed herself a yawn.

She had spent the day listening to the troubles of her subjects and discerning the real problems from the petty bickering.

But now, there was only one party left and this would be an important one.

The sun princess stomped her hoof once and nodded.

The guards understood and started leaving one by one. The last remained long enough to close the door as the last visitor of the day entered the court hall.

The princess took a moment to look towards one of the tapestries for a split second, but quickly focused back on the creature that slowly closed in on her throne.

A purple and green dragon was approaching slowly, looking around carefully to see if the sovereign and he were truly alone.

He arrived in front of the goddess and stood there for a moment, not kneeling, nor tilting his head.

A few seconds passed until Celestia nodded just a little, giving the longed for signal.

As if he had just jumped on a trampoline, the dragon launched himself at the princess, claws wide and teeth showing.

“I MISSED YOU, MOMMY!” he yelled as his arms wrapped around the alicorn’s neck, a big smile on his face.

Celestia let out a laugh, her usual, gentle demeanour broken and replaced with honest joy. “And I missed you, Spike.”

She squeezed the little dragon against her chest and let out a giggle as he swung onto her back.

“Gosh, we have so much to talk about! Applejack went missing and while the others were looking for her, Big Mac, Granny Smith and I went on an epic quest to get a treasure to save the farm. And on Hearts and Hoofs day, a rainbow lost its colour, so Fluttershy, Rarity and me had to improvise a new one out of fabric and spray paint! Oh, and Rarity KISSED me! Twice!” the dragon started to ramble happily.

Celestia gave him a nudge. “I’ll be happy to hear it all, Spike, but there is one thing we have to do first.”

“Oh?” the dragon asked in surprise. A sigh escaped him. “Royal duty?”

“In a way.” The sun princess agreed.

“There’s always something more important...” Spike moaned and was about to get off.

A wing held him in place. “Spike, there is nothing more important than family!” Celestia scolded “And may I remind you that our family has grown.”

Spike’ eyes went wide.

“You had a foal?” he screamed.

“What? NO!”

“Philomina laid an egg?”

“No, Spike... nobody was born.”

“Then, what do you mean, the family got bigger?” Spike asked in confusion.

A third voice cleared it’s throat behind them, making the small dragon spin on his sitting place and freeze in surprise and fear.

A indigo from had emerged from behind a tapestry and slowly approached the two: “Erm... hello Spike. I am your aunt. Luna.”

He tilted his head a little, trying to fathom the words Nightmare Moon had just spoken.

“I understand that you are afraid of me, Spike.” The moon princess continued “If you want me to leave, I would understand. But Celestia insisted that...” She stopped as Spike lifted a single claw.

“So, you used to be this taller, evil monster that terrorized others, spoke in a deep voice and tried to take much more than you deserve...” the young dragon spoke calmly.

“Basically... yes.” Luna admitted in defeat, her head lowering sadly. How could anyone forgive her?

“Been there, done that...” Spike shrugged and jumped to wrap his arms around his new aunt.

Mature filter: ON

Sunset was looming and the solar lady, Princess Celestia of Equestria was on her way to her private chambers. The day had been long and she was glad that Luna would take over soon. But before that, she would visit her little sister and have a nice conversation with her. But first she had to freshen up.

It was at this point in her trail of thought, when she heard a loud giggling from a break room door, right next to her.

She recognized the voice immediately. It was Lore, unicorn guard directly responsible for her personal safety and currently off duty.

For a moment, the princess wondered what could have possibly made the usually rather reserved soldier giggle like that, when a second voice chimed in. It was Stormbreak, pegasus guard, sun division and on the same time table as lore.

AND also Lore's coltfriend.

Celestia's ideas about homosexuality were rather simple, as seen in the laws of Equestria.

Luckily the original draft was long forgotten: "I don't care what my subjects do in private as long as it's consensual and there are no minors or non sentient being involved, now stop bugging me and let me eat my breakfast you intolerant cretin! You should be glad I don't have you flogged for wasting my time!"
That minister really had no business to have her woken up...

Anyways, as Celestia was about continue her way, she could make out the words that were spoken.

"My turn, lovercolt!" Lore announced loudly.

"Hey, no horn! That's cheating!" lamented the pegasus.

The sun princess stopped. NO! They wouldn't!

"Oh, that is cheating? Fine! Hoofs! BOTH!"

Celestia's eyes went wide. This had a very reasonable explanation. She hoped!

"I wouldn't mind that, but you know the rules! You know what you are supposed to use!" came Stormbreak's voice again.

"Fine, but that won't end well!" Lore commented.

The princess was on the edge. What was going on in there? Should she go in?

"That won't end well!" Stormbreak commented. "Hey! No! Pull it out! Pull it out!"

"Oh, look at the mess I made!" Lore yelled suddenly. "You get it up again! You seem to like the taste of wood today..."

That was enough! Celestia turned and burst into the room.
"What are you two doing?" she yelled at two frightened stallions.

"P... playing Jenga..." Stormbreak offered in a frightened voice, fiddling with several little logs of wood on the table between them.

"Exactly!" the princess kept proclaiming, hoping she could ride the anger before the shame would set in. "I was looking for the game!"
She grabbed the box and the logs, turned and headed towards her quarters, not stopping until she was inside.

Lore looked at his playmate. "What just happened?"

"I have no idea..." Stormbreak answered with a sigh "So... what do we do now?"

"Oh, I have one idea..." Lore answered, a sheepish and slightly sultry grin invaded his features.

"Hmm...? OH! I like that!" the pegasus answered "But... just the two of us?"

"Let's ask Phalanx and Dusty, they are off duty too!" the unicorn offered.

"Great idea! Those two are always happy to swallow some balls!"

And then they played Hungry Hungry Hippo!

SORRY!

Stormbreak and Lore belong to Frutineo and VelvetHeart and are used with permission.

Sleep of the just

The realm of limited possibility. Even a land like Equestria, with its magic, monsters and seemingly unending potential was and would always be limited. It had to be. Existence could not endure the absolute chaos of endless potential. The necessity to bind Discord was proof of that.

But there was a land that was unfettered by consequences, unbound by the equilibrium of chance and immune to any damage that reality might suffer.

This land was the dreaming. The sphere of the mind and the soul, of psyche and fantasy, of hope and nightmare.

Here reality was a mere shadow and only the mind of the dreamer would forge experience. Here, memory was refined into dreams and seen through the eyes of the mind alone.

Here, Princess Luna ruled absolute.

No longer a nightmare, the moon Princess now stalked the dreaming, seeking suffering subjects and guiding them towards a better understanding of their torment. Never directly defeating their pain, but rather guiding them towards helping themselves.

Now the ferrymare of the rivers of rest was following a cry of pain. One of her subjects was plagued by nightmares.

And while worry filled the eyes of the moon princess, there was a glint of delight behind it. For the cry came from a very peculiar pony and she was glad that she could lend assistance to him.

The dreamer was none other than the leader of her followers: Autumn Galerina.

A curious and slightly worrying stallion to say the least, but Luna could not deny that she liked his honest devotion and loyalty. Maybe not as much as she had enjoyed Nightmare Night in Ponyville, but she was thankful that he organized her followers.

And now, she had the chance to repay him.

Luna dove deeper into the dreaming and approached the place from where she had heard Autumn’s agony. Currently, the stallion was awake, probably sitting straight in his bed and (even though the thought did not cross the... slightly antique mind of the moon princess) being consoled by his lover, the former secret agent and now pegasus night guard, Diamond Shadow.

Now, the moon princess just had to wait until the stallion calmed and returned to her land of dreams.
Soon, Luna could see the dreaming twist and reform, as the psyche of her follower shaped the dimension in its image. The dark princess found a hiding spot and waited for the dream to play out. Intervening without understanding the problem could cause more harm than good.

As the world slowly turned into a simulacrum of the royal throne room, Luna felt a slight pressure building behind her forehead.

The stallion’s mind was unhinged.

Nature and nurture had taken a toll on Autumn’s sanity and his dreams reflected it. For any other being, seeing his world directly and unaltered was like wearing a pair of not prescribed glasses. The world just didn’t feel right.

The moon princess always found it easiest to point out the details. It helped to understand how the dreamer perceived reality around him.

She quickly hid inside a tapestry, taking on the form of the starry sky and watched as her follower’s dream self formed.

Luna’s eyes widened slightly.

Autumn had never been one gifted with dashing good looks, but besides being lanky and having a weird manecut, he was at least average looking.

His dream self was, in one word, ugly.

His nose too big, his hair refusing to stay down, his legs almost skeletal and the one thing Luna found truly impressive about him, his fiery crimson eyes that shone out from under his hood when he called Celestia a tyrant and announced the end of her reign, seemed milky and unfocused.

Besides that, he was clad in his robe and with his girlfriend, who seemed to still possess feathery wings.
They were both kneeling and as Luna turned her gaze towards the throne, she could see why:
This throne did not exist in Equestria. This throne consisted of roughly 400 tons of black steel, lovingly smelted into a mish-mash of spikes, blades and spires for heads.

And the moon princess had to admit that in her Nightmare Moon phase, she would have loved it!

Even though the skulls were a bit much.

And on the throne sat Nightmare Moon. An almost perfect simulacrum of Luna’s past. Black coat, hate filled eyes and a sneer of arrogance plastered on her face. Yes, the moon princess could remember.

“Followers!” the Nightmare announced in a deep and booming voice. To Luna’s surprise, pointed teeth filled her maw. And seemed to be even taller than she used to be. “You have done us proud! Thanks to your diligence, hard work and secrecy, our return was successful! The night shall last forever! The sun is gone and you ensure that it will not be missed! We defeated Celestia, but you, you made her obsolete! For this, you shall see our gratitude! The moon rewards her servant well!”

“My lady, we did it because we believed in it. There is no need to...” Autumn answered, but he was silenced by a raised hoof.

“We insist!” Nightmare Moon said firmly.

Both followers lowered their heads, waiting for their reward.

“Diamond Shadow!” the usurper announced “You have supported and assisted my head follower well and now, you shall do the same for us! You shall become our concubine! We shall put you in sexy outfits, show you to the entire world, but only your princess shall touch you for the rest of time! Of course you have to leave any current lover forever, but that should not be a big deal compared to getting a piece of dark queen every sleep circle and sometimes during the lunch break.”

“I happily accept!” the Pegasus answered.

Autumn’s mandible literally hit the ground.

“Sorry, hon, our queen’s orders and all.” She announced happily, discarded her robes, under which she wore a quartet of very sexy stockings and took her place, sexily spread between the forelegs of Nightmare Moon. Luna could see the stallion’s eyes fill with tears.

“And you, Autumn Galerina!” Nightmare Moon turned to the completely confused stallion “You shall become part of the royal family. We shall make you one of us...”

The follower let out a confused sob.

“By marrying you to the highest noble available!” the terror queen concluded. “Come in! Prince Blueblood!”

Terror invaded the stallion’s features as he quickly looked around, suddenly surrounded by wedding guests.
Prince Blueblood was standing next to him, clad in a tuxedo and wearing a sultry grin on his face.

Autumn looked down, suddenly dressed in an extremely revealing and salacious, white wedding dress with a big white ribbon around his tail and a blue garter around his hind leg.

Several of his family members, including his grandmother were close to tears as Nightmare Moon presented the rings.

“NOOOO! I don’t want to lose Diamond Shadow! I don’t want to marry Blueblood! And this white clashes with my coaaaat!” the desperate and grey stallion wailed.

“Oh, it’s just the nerves...” the prince soothed from the side and whispered into his ear “Trust me; the honeymoon will be all you ever wished for, my dear wife.”

“AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!”

The dream world collapsed as Autumn awoke screaming, torn back to reality by shock and terror.

Luna remained in the dreams.
After ten minutes, she managed to get over the shock and close her mouth again.
Quietly, the let out a sigh and focused her magic.
A coffee maker appeared out of the aether.
This would take a while...

Author's Note

Again, I can only apologize...
Anyways, I really wanted to give the followers more screen time (can you say that when you are writing? But then again, this is the internet, so it IS screen time) and the Luna being able to enter the dreamland was just too great a chance.
If you want to learn more about the two, head over to "Between Day and Night" where they are currently in the rank of supporting cast members.

Next time: Crossover with Kirby! Luna dethrones King Dedede!

Joker or Jack

It was a late afternoon like many others in Canterlot. The sky was slowly darkening as Celestia’s sphere was lowered and the good ponies of the city were on their ways home.
But in Canterlot Castle, there was a small group just about to assemble.

For it was the third Friday of the month and therefore the evening of a very peculiar poker game. It was held by no other than the only resident dragon of Canterlot, Spike, who always had this day off from his duties and only his Canterlot friends were invited to hold the cards, laugh at silly jokes and generally enjoy a good card game.

So far, only Hoity Toity and Photo Finish had joined in and were deciding today’s currency. Spike usually opted to play for sweets (gemstones) but recently they had changed over to something more affordable (an durable, a dragon’s hunger was hard to sate). So they decided to play for small amounts of money. The kind of money that the high society that was present would certainly not miss. Spike was, after all, Celesita’s adopted son and while he hardly ever saw the need for it, he had access to a generous allowance.

“Say!” began Hoity, as Spike shuffled the cards. “How is the great pursuit going?”

“Slowly but steadly...” answered the dragon and retained his eyes on the cards “Lately I get a little more recognition, but I think we need another wave. The thing with the Photo shoot went terrible.”

“Zat is not my fault!” defended Photo Finish herself “You jast sait that zee beautiful one was to me made shine over Equestria! How shud I know you ment ze unicorn?”

“Come on, Photo, it was obvious!” contered Spike.

“A difference in taste... nothing more!” defended Hoity “But indeed an entertaining miscommunication.”

“I didn’t like seeing Rarity wear black!” muttered Spike.

“Oh, you will zee, she will come around!” soothed Photo.

“WHAT IS THIS?” came a loud voice from the door.

The three players turned. A blonde Unicorn with a compass for a cutie mark and a alabaster coat had entered. “Sine Nobilitate on castle ground? How dare you walk around unchecked and what is this... this beast doing here shuffling royal cards! Slay or arrest the vile abomination!” demanded Prince Blueblood fierce and full of anger.
All ponies and one dragon looked at each other for a short while.

Suddenly laughter broke out!

“BIG B! Come an take a bow!” laughed Spike happily “Flowers to the greatest actor on Equestrian soil!”

“Wunderbar!” laughed Photo Finish and Hoity let out a snicker.

“Hey, Spike, hows my main dragon doing?” Blueblood asked and walked over to the dragon to give him a squeeze.

“Great, Bloody one!” Spike answered and poked him with the elbow “I had no idea you of all ponies could be so beastly! I mean... what I heard from the Gala was... wow!”

“Hey, everything for my friends! Even if I have to swallow everything Auntie taught me and channel Bitch Princess Platinum.” He sat down next to the dragon “But man, never again! Hear me! Doing that stuff to such a prime mare was horrible. I died over and over again!”

“Man, I really appreciate it!” the dragon stressed “You did quite a bit.”

“But trust me, if that did not burst her bubble, it’s made of Kevlar!” the stallion stressed. "Hay,I was about to yell MARE-SHIELD , when the cake was incoming."

“I sure hope so! You guys have been giving me so much support, it’s getting silly.”

“But I do get what you see in her!” Blueblood admitted “You are lucky that I leave the best to my friends! Heck, when she came into the garden, I was close to just giving in.”

“But ya didn’t!” Spike laughed “And that’s why you are Blueblood, loved by everyone and respected all over Equestria!”

“Indeed he is!” the other two chimed in.

Author's Note

THIS IS NOT MY HEAD CANON!
THIS IS JUST A JOKE!
It is interesting though... how far do Spikes connections go?

Truths about the Night

It was a bright sunny day in Canterlot and all was well.
Princess Celestia, the godprincess of ponydom for centuries was in her private study, scrutinizing a bill concerning a reform in the health care sector. New studies had discovered ways to improve the general life of elderly ponies in retirement homes and this demanded careful consideration.
This could, after all, improve the lives of ponies who had spent their lifetime improving Equestria and they deserved respect!
She was about halfway done, when the door slammed open.

"CELESTIA!" the royal Canterlot voice boomed through the room. And Canterlot. And parts of the Everfree Forest. And probably outer space.

"Yes, Luna?" the sun princess asked with some worry. Luna was clearly well, but highly upset.

"HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?" the moon princess asked angrily and levitated a book over to her sister.

Celestia took a close look. "Children of the Night." she read out loud and raised her eyebrows. "No, I have not heard of it. What is it!"

"IT IS SLANDER!" Luna screamed and smashed her hoof into the ground with rage "HORRIBLE AND DISGUSTING SLANDER! VERLEUMDUNG! Calumny! Rufmord!"

"At least your German has not suffered." Celestia sighed loudly and opened the book. She quickly looked over a few pages. There was a song: Something about foals, a garden and darkness.

"This! This drivel!" the moon princess growled and began to pace. "It is about me! I, or rather the Luna in this book, went to you after the defeat of Discord and asked to found a new colony! Can you imagine this?"

"You founding a new colony or you asking first?" The sun princess replied flatly.

"Oh, keep your cynicism to yourself!" Luna spat back "And then, after I, or rather the silly little mare in there, gets denied, she doesn't veto or simply go and do as she sees fit. Do you know what I apparently did?"

Celestia sighed. "Enlighten me, dear sister."

"SHE GOES AND FOALNAPS FOALS!" the moon princess yelled, the windows cracking and the ground shaking. "Apparently, I am a siren, because I sing some mystical melody, float them out of their beds and take them to my garden of shadows!" Luna shook her head "Can you believe that?"

"Well... there was this misconception about you eating foals..." the sun princess offered diplomatically.

"Yes, yes, but that was just ponies being irrational!" the dark sister commented, waving her hoof "But this! This is preposterous!"

"And how is this worse than eating them?" Celestia asked neutrally.

"Building a new colony with FOALS? Uneducated, emotionally unstable, weak, little foals? THEY CAN'T EVEN SPELL YET! HOW ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO BUILD A BUCKING HOUSE?" The lunar sister yelled "And stealing them from orphanages? I FINANCED THOSE ORPHANAGES! I SIGNED THE DECREE! WE WERE THERE WHEN THEY SET THE FIRST STONE! WHY WOULD I STEAL FOALS FROM ORPHANAGES THAT I BUILT?"

"So, you are not exactly angry that they call you evil-" Celestia began.

"NO! I can deal with them thinking me evil! I was evil! But I shall not tolerate them thinking me to be stupid!" Luna roared "Do they really think that I, the former Nightmare Moon, the dark deceiver, gets a bunch of snot nosed brats, cuts off all ties to support from her home city and then demands that they build a new society?"

The alabaster princess sighed and took one last look at the book. "Yes, Luna, it falls apart when you take a closer look, but you have to admit, it is rather well written, the song is melodically and it has quite a bit of affection for the mystery of the night. In a way you almost seem benevolent."

"I prefer being evil to being idiotic, thank you very much, sister!" The night princess answered and threw her head back. "Can I expect you to support me, when we ban this?"

"Ban it?" Celestia deadpanned.

"Of course! This is vile slander!"

"It's clearly fiction."

"What does that matter?"

The sun princess sighed and got up. She walked over to a bookshelf with a glass door and opened it. Her magic grabbed the entire content and dumped it in front of Luna. There was another row of books behind the first.

"Corona Blaze, the Tyrant Sun." Celestia said calmly and pointed to the first book "It became a trilogy, devoted to me turning the world into a desert. Here we have "The Sexy Adventures of Princess Molestia", a tale about me, sexually assaulting ponies, donkeys, gryphons, minotaurs, trees, flowers, cakes, minerals and a few forms of basic energy. Fifteen sequels. Another book about my tyranny: "Fall of the Lunar Republic.", because that is what Nightmare Moon wanted, right? Oh! And don't forget the "Chronicles of Princess Trollestia". A wonderful series, in which I play mean pranks on ponies and generally enjoy the suffering of others. It's still going on." The sun princess gave Luna a stare "And I only keep the good ones.We have free speech and artistic licence. Sister dear: Get over it! I doubt that you will ever have as many horrible books written about you, as I have about me!"

Luna closed her eyes for a moment and nodded. "You are right, sister!" she said after a few moments "My ire is clearly misplaced. Ponies treat you far worse than they treat me."
Celestia was about to say something, but a flash of magic had already consumed the lunar princess.
The white alicorn sighed and returned to her work.

*In the Crystal Empire*

"CADENCE!"

Author's Note

For the record: I really like "Children of the Night" as an animation.
That said: Its just not very well thought out....

World that never was

“Does my crown no longer count now that I have been imprisoned for a thousand years?” The dark Queen of the Night demanded to know. “Did you not recall the legend? Did you not see the signs?”

Suddenly the doors burst open.

“We did!”

Whatever hope of rescue the crowd had, was snuffed out, when they beheld sable robes, adorned with silver moons.
The strangers were many, at least twenty and they wore their determination like a badge of honour.
Well, that and their complete exhaustion. Most were wheezing and panting, as if they had run for a long time.

The one who had spoken, a tall unicorn stallion, slowly approached the dark princess. “We have seen the signs, we have awaited your crown!” he said loudly and got onto his knees as he finished “And we have prepared, my lady! We, the followers of Nightmare Moon, are honored and happy to welcome you back!”

Twilight Sparkle’s head almost exploded. “You have followers?!” she asked loudly.

“I didn’t know that!” Nightmare Moon answered, equally confused.

“During your exile, we have hidden from the eyes of Celestia.” The leader explained loudly “We lived amongst our fellow ponies, waiting, plotting, knowing that one day, you would return to us.” He sighed deeply “And honestly, we almost blew it. Our train was late and we had to run all the way from the station.”

“I told you to arrange for enough seats in the earlier one, but somepony did not listen…” came from somewhere in the ranks of the followers.

“Do not digress!” Nightmare Moon interrupted quickly “You claim to be my followers? You would swear fealty to me, the Mistress of the Night? Then where were you during my rebellion? What have you done while I was chained to the moon, I command?”

“I second that question!” Twilight yelled “How long have you crazy ponies been working against Celestia?”

“Erm… Four years and seven months.” The stallion admitted “But hey, we are almost thirty members by now! We even beat that book club from down the road!”

Several proud stops echoed through the hall. They had little acoustic competition. Most ponies in the hall, including the guards, were too confused, perplexed or busy keeping Pinkie Pie from interrupting the whole thing.

“Very well, my *follower*!” Nightmare Moon spoke with both amusement and arrogance “Entertain our curiosity. How have you prepared for my arrival? Are you aware of what is to come?”

The leader took a deep bow. “May I address your subjects?” he asked carefully.

“You may!” the dark princess answered with a wave of her hoof.

“Citizens of Ponyville!” the stallion announced and turned to the crowd “This summer sun celebration marks the 1000 anniversary of the banishment of the princess of Equestria! A millennium ago, we lost our princess of the night! And for a thousand years, Celestia ruled alone! Until today! For today, the stars themselves returned our just ruler and sovereign, our Lady Nightmare Moon, to us!
From this day on, we shall no longer celebrate the sun, but the return of our ruler! From this day forward, the rule of Nightmare Moon begins and may it last more than a thousand years!

Fear not, my fellow ponies, gryphons, zebras, donkey, cows and I think that over there is some kind of green and purple potato!”
“DRAGON!” An angry dragon proclaimed.

“Sorry! As I said, Fear not, for as much as this is the end of one aera, it marks the beginning of a new one. And we have prepared for everything. The night will last forever and we will prosper under this night!”

“STOP!” Twilight yelled. “This is crazy.

The leader sighed. “Look, Sparkle, Celestia had her turn and she had a good one, she clearly failed to prepare for this day. Otherwise, she would be here, blowing Lady Nightmare Moon up, or something. Just accept that we are at the beginning of a new era and roll with it.”

“But this is crazy! She is an usurper! A traitor to the crown! And she is clearly evil!”

Nightmare Moon was about to retort but the leader of the followers was quicker.

“Yes, yes, all of those things are true.” He answered calmly “At least Milady was at the time of her banishment.” He grabbed into his cloak and pulled out a few pieces of paper. “Now, we ran this through with our law experts and historians and according to them, a usurper ultra vires and, let us take the most extreme, perpetrator of attempted regicide, would be banished for life from the kingdom.”
Twilight nodded triumphantly.

“Now, there was a very interesting clause in the minotaur tolerance patent, section 707.” The stallion continued “Since the life expectancy of minotaurs is much longer than the average pony, princess Celestia set a standard for prison times that takes the length of the average life into account. Part of her reasoning was that if we ever had to sentence a dragon, we had to take their potential age into account.” Beneath the robes, a smile crept onto the stallion’s lips. “Long story short: Milady served her sentence. More than that in fact, since the law had a clause that allowed it to be applied ex post facto. And since her sentence has been carried out completely and without complaints, Milady has to be seen as completely rehabilitated, so would you please not slander your rightful ruler?”

Twilight’s jaw dropped.

And so did Nightmare Moon’s for that matter.

“You can’t be serious.” The student stammered.

“I have the copies here.” The stallion answered smugly “We also looked into Princess Celestia’s title claimants. She never revoked the title of “Princess of the Night”, therefore, it still belongs to Lady Nightmare Moon. In other words, Milady IS our legitimate ruler, even IF Celestia shows up now. Rather, any attempt by Celestia to remove her from office has to be considered an attempt to usurp her title illegitimately. In other words: You fight Milady, you’re the traitor to the crown.”

“bubububub…” the purple unicorn stammered, unable to formulate any coherent sentence.

Behind them, Nightmare Moon broke into maniacal laughter. “MUAHAHAHAAHA! Still hoping I would crawl back to you, Celestia, did you! But you have handed Equestria to me on a silver platter!” Grinning broadly, she addressed her followers “Had I known how useful followers could be, I would have put more effort into it! You have made your Princess very proud. Now let us celebrate my return! And let our enemies howl in despair, for the sun shall never shine again!”

Cheers followed from the followers, interlaced with some confused cheers from some ponies and Pinkie Pie, who was just happy that at least the silly dressed ponies were happy.

Twilight turned to one of the guards. “Can’t you arrest them or something?”

“Sorry, Ma’am, the documents are legit.” The guard answered. “And honestly, if she managed to stand up to Princess Celestia, she would probably whoop us in a few seconds.”

“We guards are mostly here to look good.” The other guard added.

“Yeah, we are basically eye candy for the tourists and the princess.” The first one explained.

“But… my brother is the captain…” Twilight sobbed. She was close to tears now.

“Yeah, only because he is the sexiest of us all…” the first guard answered.

AAAAAAAAHHH

Twilight awoke from the nightmare, her coat soaked in cold sweat. Out of reflex, her horn lit up and she looked around frantically.

“Twilight?” a soft and caring voice asked groggily. “What is it? Did you have a nightmare?”

Her senses finally returned to her and Twilight felt the soft coat of Princess Celestia, the familiar warmth of the royal beds and the sweet familiarity of her lovers embrace.

“Yes, Tia…” she answered slowly and relaxed into her princess’ closeness. “It was terrible…”

“What happened?” Celestia asked softly.

“The followers…” Twilight explained “They came to Nightmare Moon’s arrival… and they… they…” the unicorn dissolved into tears.
“What happened? Did they execute your friends? Did they turn the country into a dictatorship?”

“No!” Twilight wailed loudly. “THEY BEAT ME BY DOING RESEARCH!”

Author's Note

It's late, I was having a silly idea. Autumn deserves a bit of sun... erm moonlight, seeing what I have planned for him.
It's probably full of spelling errors, so feel free to correct me in the comments.
And more importantly, tell me if you like it or not.
I hope you enjoy.

Even a King is bound by his... skills

The armies had entered the snow filled wastes.

The white mountain sides disappeared under their slow approach and skies had filled with flying units, like they were locust.

There were the Hussaren from Horsetria in their fancy dress uniforms, Parthian archers, from Saddle Arabia, with their simple and mysterious garbs, the knights from Canterlot, proud and staunch and the sky filled with Pegasi and Gryphon Auxilliares, ready to attack.

King Sombra grinned on his balcony, as he saw his enemies approaching. The sisters had called in every ally possible. His victory would be so much sweeter, now that the whole world could witness it.

“SLAVE!” he yelled with a sadistic glee and his eyes burned evilly, as his scribe-slave approached slowly.

“Master?” the crystal pony asked meekly. His hooves were bound by irons and several ink wells and quills were chained to a vice on his neck. He was Sombra’s writing hoof, always ready to put the will of his lord into ink.

“The sisters are approaching. Have the army prepared and the gates opened. We shall meet their force on the icy fields. Their blood shall freeze when it hits the ground!” The tyrant king ordered eagerly. It had been too long since he had last felt the hunger of battle.

“My master, I am but your humble servant and follow every whim of yours… but I can’t do that.” The scribe answered slowly.

“YOU DARE DEFY ME?” Sombra yelled and smashed his hoof down so hard, the crystal of his palace cracked.

“No me lord, forgive me! But I can’t prepare the army, because we don’t have a standing army anymore.” The scribe begged pathetically.

“WHAT?” Sombra screamed.

“You… you ordered the entire Crystal Empire enslaved, my lord!” the scribe explained meekly “Everyone! The stallions, mares, foals, the sick, the wounded, the elderly… basically everyone is either working in the mines or watching the mines.”

Sombra scratched his chin for a moment. “Well, then let half of the army come. Certainly the elderly will not need supervision.”

“No, but we need them to teach the foals. Since everyone is either a slave or an overseer, we have no middle class to provide teachers, scholars or mentors. The elderly are doing hard labor and teaching the foals who are also doing hard labor. That system takes so long to produce skilled workers, our productivity is so low, we had to disband most of the army and enslave them, just to keep the Crystal Empire from going bankrupt.”

Sombra looked down at the smaller stallion in anger. “Why wasn’t I told?” he asked angrily.

“You were, master, but you just ordered me to bring you the crystal heart and threaten the ponies into servitude.”

The tyrant king let out a laugh. “Oh, I remember that day! Their wails and cries of despair tickled the cockles of my heart.”

“And it also halved production, because that completely depressed our overseers, who mostly gave up and began calling in sick. We enslaved them too, but then, we had no more control at all. Now the army is basically in there to keep our slaves from breaking down crying and provides basic health care for the elderly, because otherwise we would completely go down in flames.” The scribe explained.

Sombra nodded calmly. Then he turned back to the approaching army.

“Master?”

“I shall meet our enemy on the field.” He said with an icy cool.

“Alone?”

“Look, you fool, I am a conqueror and warrior, but you clearly see that I suck as an emperor. If I go out and face them alone, I might go down in history as a great and feared conqueror, who died due to his oversized ego.”

“Instead of the sad screw up that you are?”

“Exactly. And you are lucky that I am frozen with fear right now, otherwise, I would smite you!”

Author's Note

Not exactly a Celestia and Luna thing, but I just felt like giving Sombra some flag.

Every few thousand years or so

It was a nice day in the dragon lands and all was good. Princess Ember sat upon her small (by dragon standards) throne, enjoyed a nice pair of rubies and pondered how best to spend this evening. Being a dragon lord was amazing. Not only did everyone do exactly as you asked, dragons in maturity were such isolationists, they hardly ever needed things outside of small disputes and petty quarrels during the migration. So far, Ember had just decided on what kind of gems she would get during annual tribute and that her father's pension should not include any lapis lazuli (at least until he apologized for not getting her a doll for her fourth birthday, the lazy drake!).

Suddenly magic flashed and four giant dragons jumped onto her.

"SECURITY!" Came Ember's muffled scream from below the pile "GET THE SECURITY OFF ME!"

The guards got up and helped the smushed lord up. "I need smaller protectors!" She decided as said guards retreated with apologetic smiles on their faces.

"Oh, it wouldn't help, my dear. What they can't cover in size, they will make up in mass. During our recent assassination attempt, I had 15 of them on me..." The alabaster alicorn that had appeared in the panic inducing flash of magic stated casually. Another, smaller alicorn was beside her, though she was deep blue. "And all because the window cleaner had come early..."

The dragon lord shook her head and looked at the newcomers. "Oh..." she said "You must be the alicorn princesses of Equestria."

"INDEED THAT IS TRUTH!" Luna explained in full Canterlot voice "WE ART THE PROTECTORS OF EQUESTRIA, THE GUARDIANS OF SUN AND MOON AND THY FELLOW ROYALTY! WE HATH COME TO CONGRATULATE THEE FOR THY BECOMING THE NEW DRAGON LORD!"

Ember picked herself off the ground. She had not expected to be knocked over by the sheer voice of a pony. "Very nice to meet you, I guess." She answered, her ears ringing slightly. "What brings you princesses here?"

"Oh, hasn't old Torch told you?" Celesstia asked with a smile "He can be such a goof. I bet he instantly went on a vacation after the scepter was gone... probably in a huge lava lake with a stash of lapis lazuli in on claw and your mother in the other..."

Ember shook with disgust at the picture. "No, he didn't tell me much. Anyways, why are you here?"

"Oh, we visit every dragon lord after they have had a chance to settle in. You know, we get to know each other, talk official things..." Celestia explained cheerfully.

"I see..." Ember answered carefully. While this pony was bigger than her, she was smaller than father. Why would she know him so... well. "If this is about tribute or begging not to be conquered, don't worry, I won't ask anything of you. I won't be a bully."

Luna covered her mouth as she let out a very small giggle. Celestia's features remained calm. "Oh, that is very good to hear. I wish your father was this diplomatic on our first meeting. Gosh, I still remember him screaming at me how I should submit and prepare to be crushed under his claw and such... hillarious in retrospect."

"What?" Ember deadpanned.

"You see, most dragon lords instantly plan to enslave basically everything around the dragon lands when they get into power." Celestia said with a gentle smile. "Posturing and laughing and being completely enraptured with their own sense of importance. You should have seen your father, dear, he was poofing his chest out so much, it entered his cave an hour before the rest of him. Adorable..."

Suddenly Princess Luna leaned over to her sister. "Sis, can I go first this time?"

"Oh, of course, Luna." Celestia said with a smile "I simply adore how melodramatic you can be..."

Luna let out a small squee and made a step forward. "LORD OF THE DRA-"

"Please, no more shouting!" Ember yelled "I won't hear your sister's proposal if you deafen me first!"

The moon princess pouted. "Fine... Dragon lord Ember. I am Luna, the princess of the night, guide of the moon and maiden of sleep. I watch over the realm of dreams and rest, guiding all sentient creatures through its tides."

Ember nodded. She had heard her father say that dreaming used to be way more fun a thousand years ago and ever since that thing on the moon was gone, things seemed to work out better indeed.

"And while I take a neutral stance in this duty, never chosing to ignore the needs of anyone due to their nature, alignment or any other reason, I do care about the subjects in the waking world. You can not directly control all dragons in the world, that is their nature..."
The sky darkened suddenly.
"BUT should you ever ORDER your dragons to hurt my little ponies..."
Shadows became longer and seemed to grow claws.
"Then you and your people shall not know a peaceful night of rest again! I have seen into the dreams of the twisted and the deranged, I wandered the realms of nightmares and trust me, I have looked into the abyss. I can create creatures who only live to torture the dreaming. To make each night a living hell. And you will live through things that would kill you in the real world. Not your scales, not your fire and not your claws will save you for in the dreaming, you are MINE!"
The darkness retreated and the everything was normal again.
"But do not worry about it, you had no intention to hurt anypony anyways..."

Ember slowly crawled out from behind her throne, her whole body trembling, her eyes wide and her wings stuck firmly to her back. And the had thought that GETTING the scepter was scary...

"Very impressive Luna... you never cease to amaze me. A little melodramatic in the end though..." Celestia added with a gentle giggle.

"It's a gift..."

"Anyways, dragon lord Ember, I am Celestia, Princess of the sun, ruler of Equestria and guider of- I think you get it. Let me be quick... The sun is hot. Very hot." Celestia said, her smile never wavering "So hot in fact, it is beyond our regular terran physical states. If I ever had a reason, I might just pull it a little closer and suddenly an entire kingdom evaporates, no matter how though their scales are. And I could even break off a hoof-full, which would to just as much to singular targets. Why, one would need an entire legion of slaves to abuse my good nature to ever consider waging war against us..."

"I get it." Ember responded.

"We are very glad. Sorry to just appear like that and surprise you." Celestia added smiling "Now.. We won't take up any more of your time. Feel free to send us as many letters as you want. I like to keep in touch with my allies. And tell your father that I said hello. AND Knight from E4 to F6. Spares me a letter. Have a wonderful day..."

"That move will ruin your game, Tia. Take hi-"
A flash of magic and the two ponies were gone.

Ember was silent for a long time, staring ahead, understanding... understanding a lot.

Author's Note

Just a fun idea, I had.
Comment and Criticize.

It tingles, it scratches, it twists, it grows!

Seven minutes after six.

Seven minutes ago, day court had ended, night court was about to begin and Phalanx, proud guardian of Princess Celestia and possibly future captain of the royal guard was exiting the showers. He had a smile on his face, seeing how his marefriend was about to end her shift as well and they would have a wonderful date in the movie theater in a short while. He quickly dried himself, eager to drag her into the next monster movie and enjoy himself some rubber costumes and tons of slime, while she would do her best to act as if she was not enjoying herself. Poor Dusty and her desperate claim to dignity. Both of them knew that she had been having a poster of "Swamp Thingie: The Swampening Swampiness" on her wall long before he dragged her into their first creature feature. Just embrace the camp and enjoy the fact that the goo on film was not nearly as sticky as the changeling goo Phalanx had been covered with once.

As he looked upon himself in the mirror, he noticed a few blonde hairs sprouting from the white coat on his chin. Maybe he should shave before the date...

He was getting his shaving equipment ready as a voice from behind startled him. "Hey there, handsome and wet!"

He turned, only to see his girlfriend, the most adorable maid in all of Canterlot, Dusty Feathers, standing in the door, still clad in her maid uniform and holding her stalwart feather duster. "Love, what are you doing in here?" Phalanx asked quickly. He knew that he was alone in the showers but he was pretty sure that she didn't know that.

"Relax..." Dusty answered "If anyone comes, I'll just pretend that I was cleaning up. I just wanted to give you a kiss before freshening up for our date." She pouted slightly and fluttered her eyelashes "Is that so wrong?"

"You are incorrigible!" Phalanx giggled.

"And that's why you love me!" Dusty rebutted and approached him. She rested her duster on the basin and leaned in to kiss Phalanx. The two gave each other a few more pecks before Dusty pulled back. "I'll be with you in ten minutes... don't run off!" she said happily and grabbed her duster. Sadly, she grabbed it a bit too carelessly and knocked Phalanx' straight razor off the basin. "Sorry!"

"It's fine, love, let me-"

"No, I'll get it!" Dusty interrupted and grabbed the razor-blade with one hoof. Her eyes went wide. "Wait, this thing is completely dull! How do you cut anything with that?" she asked loudly and suddenly something else grabbed her attention. "And how do you shave your beard without shaving your coat off? And why does it have the colour of your mane and not the colour of you coat? That all makes no-"

She was interrupted as Phalanx grabbed the bottle of shaving foam and sprayed it into her face. But instead of foam, a pink cloud filled her nostrils. Dusty shook her head and her eyes began to lose focus. A heartbeat later, she fell to the ground, sleeping deeply. Phalanx took the small mirror in his shaving kit and twisted a small switch under theinlay. The mirror turned white with the exception of one small black pupil that looked at him grimly. "What is it?" a voice snarled from the mirror.

"Lord Magnet! My girlfriend almost figured out our secret! I will have to use the dust of forgetfulness on her!"

"Understood! I will send you enough to refill your kit! Don't let her come close to the truth again. We can't let those girls know the truth about our gooooorgeous facial hair!"

"I know, sir. Phalanx out!"

"Toodles!"

Phalanx sighed and took a small bag of grey dust from the kit and measured it. He was about to sprinkle it on Dusty's face as a loud voice harrumphed behind him. He turned and looked into the questioning eyes of Princess Luna. "My Princess!" Phalanx exclaimed "I... can..." His hoof slowly moved toward the foam bottle, but Luna interrupted him.

"Don't even try it." Luna sighed "Are all stallions in Equestria still conspiring about their facial hair?"

Phalanx sighed. "Yes... we kinda are."

"Thousands of years and it is still the dumbest conspiracy on the planet!" Luna groaned loudly "Can't you all just admit that Starswirl the Bearded screwed up his biggest spell and cursed all stallions forever to silly facial hair? And now you have to remove it with magic."

"NEVER!" Phalanx stressed defiantly "Silly facial hair is our burden and our responsibility and we will endure it alone! Lord Magnet has been providing us with the means to remove it and keep our conspiracy up!" He sighed "And I'm sorry, Princess, but it's kinda all we have! With the exception of Starswirl and Sombra, the history books are exclusively full of mares! We had hope that Shining Armor would be a stallion to mention, but he mostly gets rescued and now he is probably gonna stay at home to raise his daughter. Let us at least have our conspiracy."

Luna shook her head. "Fine, but it is still idiotic. Now mind-wipe your marefriend and carry on. Having a mare passed out on the guard's locker room could be misunderstood."

She turned to leave the two, muttering about stallions and their low-self esteem.

Author's Note

Comment and Critique but please don't ask!

The Hostility of a Hostile Takeover

*Spoilers for the FInale! Get out and watch if you haven't yet!*

Queen Chrysalis sat upon her throne of evil. Four princesses, one guard and five ponies hung from her ceiling, savely tugged away in cocoons. She could not help bug let out a cackle of delight. This was her moment! Her triumph! Her-

Suddenly the communication beetles went off.

The queen of changeling sighed and waited as the web formed. What was it this time?

Princess Celestia's face appeared inside of the orb. Panic twisted her features and sweat was dripping off her brow.

"Mask? What is it?" Chrysalis hissed. "This better be a report on when the first shipment of love is coming!"

"My queen! We need help!" the false Celestia yelped.

"Did they discover you? Are you not my best infiltrator?"

"No, we are still hidden, but this is getting too intese!" Mask gasped. "Those ponies, they keep giving us these orders and edicts to sign and we have no idea what to do!" A scroll levitated ontot he screen. "Like here! Taxation on imported oats! Is that important? Should we raise it? I have no idea! And they want it until tomorrow!"

"MASK!" Crysalis yelled "I am a queen with unquestioning authority over a philiovore species! Do you think I have any idea about currency or agriculture?" She brushed a hoof "Just improvise in a way that makes you the most beloved."

"Fine that, but can you please send at least three more so we can do shifts?" Mask begged "I looked through Celestia's schedule and that pony is mad! Mad I tell you! Court on seven days a week with TEN HOURS of work! This pony has no idea how to delegate! Just giving you this call means that i have probably caused four strikes and worsened our relationship with Zebragascar!"

"Mask, I'm sure we-" Chrysalis began, but a flicker in the orb caught her attention. "Wait I get another transmission! Hang on!"
The orb flickered again and suddenly, Princess Cadance was on screen.

"What is it?" Chrysalis demanded

"We have a problem!" Fake Cadance yelled "This orange guy is getting suspicious of Trachea!"

"Trachea is our best baby impersonator! Why would anypony get suspicious of her?"

"Well, she isn't used to impersonating a baby for such a long time in one sitting! And now its getting suspicious that she is still using the same diaper as when she started!" The changeling explained. "The guy is feeding her prunes and giving her belly massages! This can't be good for her sanity, my queen!"

The queen slowly began to massage her forehead. "I suddenly remember why I personally replaced the victim last time!" she hissed.
The screen flickered again. This time a fake Fluttershy appeared

"MY QUEEN! HAVE YOU EVER DELIVERED A PUPPY?"

Author's Note

I liked the Finale, but I will still poke fun at it

End of an Era... AGAIN (Season 8 Premier Spoiler)

A portal tore through reality. Magical flames licked through the darkness. Slowly, a tall and gaunt stallion walked through, spite and anger on his face.

"Foolish princesses..." he muttered "How dare- WAH!"
A beam of bright light tore Chancelor Naysay out of his thoughts. Somepony had removed all the curtains within the Equestrian Educational Society. There were also several new flowerpots, ribbons and flags with rainbows.
"What is going on here?" The unicorn demanded to know.

"Hi uncle!" an cheery voice called out "Awwww! You copied my manestyle!"

"Oh goodness, NO!" the Chancellor groaned "Autumn, what in the name of Tartarus are you doing here?"

"He is here on my order!" A cold and calm voice said from behind Naysay.

The Chancellor turned around, coming face to face with the princess of the night. His eyes narrowed. "And what would that order be? What exactly is my educationally impaired relative supposed to do here? And why are there useless trinkets and the like around?"

"Well, Chancellor, recently the activities of this board came to our attention and to our great chagrin, we found a few complaints." Luna said calmly "First and foremost, it is rather worrying that your school board's office is more sinister and imposing than the headquarters of the Followers of Nightmare Moon has ever been. Therefore, we have decided to check and improve the working conditions of your employees."

"You know, Nany, a few flowers, some light, maybe a few foal-pictures. Things that say school and not torture dungeon." Autumn said happily "Don't worry about the robes, though, those are awesome!"

"Don't call me Nany, you're not a foal anymore!" Naysay said harshly and stepped up to Luna "And what gives you any right to burst into my halls and change anything?"

"Well, the state off Equestria does employ you, doesn't it?" Luna asked.

"Yes, so?"

"So, We decided to go on an unscheduled evaluation tour and you can believe this: We are not please with the results!" The Princess stated matter-of-factly "Autumn, please!"

The cultist nodded and produced a clipboard. "You see, we found several issues with the basic health and safety precautions."

"What?"

"First: High risk of eye-strain due to bad lighting. You might not notice, but half of your staff are using contact lenses or glasses. Those little reading lights are also much more expensive and wasteful than... you know... windows." Autumn stated neutrally "Construction will begin soon. We'll tear out a few walls, put in some good windows, maybe an additional chandelier and that's done with."

"You're kidding!" Naysay hissed

"Second: New seats. These high and imposing consoles and lecterns look good when you're dealing with convicts, but we found them to be very dangerous. Earth ponies and unicorns can fall off, dropped writing utensils would break, petitioners get cramped necks. We'll rip those out and give you proper desks. And ergonomic sitting balls! Yours is gonna be pink. That's your favourite colour, right?"

"What? Well, yes, but-"

"Third-"

"STOP!" Naysay yelled "What is this supposed to be? Princess, this is obviously a vindictive action for-"

"Are you suggesting that we have ulterior motives, Naysay?" Luna said coldly.

"This is about Twilight Sparkle's school, is it? Well, two can play that game! I will unlist Celestia's school as well! Then I-"

"Why, Chancellor Naysay, did you recently inspect the School for Gifted Unicorns and found it lacking?" The Princess of the moon asked with a hint of mocked surprise.

"Well, no, but-"

"Well, your staff has. And they found the school to be in top condition and rated it with the highest marks. Very recently in fact. They state that the school is teaching and functioning by the book." Luna stated and suddenly her voice became icy "Unlike your institution, which apparently thinks it is above simple health and safety regulations!"

"But-"

"Consider yourself officially reprimanded! Autumn will come here periodically to oversee the proceedings. The crown expects this building to become a healthy, inviting and happy office, worthy of the Equestrian ideal of Harmony!" Luna declared.

"But!"

"Don't worry, uncle!" Autumn said with a much too wide grin and began to pull Naysay with him. Something in his eyes seemed to scream of a thousand missing Hearth Warming Eve presents. "I've already found the most adorable set of protective covers for all your documents. You like puce, don't you? And then there are a few bunny-shaped perforators and just the perfect colour of laced curtains for your personal office! Come, I'll show you!"

Luna watched quietly as her follower dragged a trembling Naysay away and a small pang of guilt hit her stomach. Evil did run in this family.

Author's Note

Lesson: You better do everything by every book

Silly idea I had after realizing that Naysay and Autumn look kinda simmilar... And I did hint that a bit portion of his extended family had name-changes. And they both love evil robes XD

In Luna's defense

Set during the Changeling-invasion.

"THIS IS WHERE WE HOLD THE LINE! THEY MAY NEVER TAKE THE ELEMENTS ON OUR WATCH!” the princess of the night proclaimed clearly. She had discarded her regalia in favour of dark armour, not entirely unlike that of Nightmare Moon. If there was a coup, the enemy should know that the former despot would be the new defender!

She was Luna, princess of the night!

“YEAH!” several dozen voices answered with dark determination and grim satisfaction.

The OK calls had stopped a few moments ago and the worst was to expect. Now it was up to the night guard to do their part.

“WHO ARE THE BEST?” Luna asked.

“WE ARE!” the guards replied.

“ARE YOU READY TO FIGHT FOR EQUESTRIA?” Luna demanded.

“YES!” the guards answered with fire in their eyes.

“ARE YOU READY TO FALL FOR EQUESTRIA?” she continued.

“FOR EQUESTRIA! FOR LUNA!” the guards cheered.

“GOOD! NOW, HOLD THE LINE!”

...

“Excuse me, princess...” a nervous voice asked.

“Yes? What is it, sub-commander?” Luna responded, eyes pointed at the door.

“Wouldn’t it be more appropriate if we waited outside of the element-chamber?”

“No, we are supposed to protect the elements and by me, we will do that!” Luna answered grimly.

“I was just thinking... the chamber is not very big... and we are 40 ponies...”

“Personal space is not a luxury we can afford!” Luna responded “STATUS ON THE ELEMENTS!”

“Still poking me in the ribs, ma’am!” a corporal answered.

“Keep them close!” Luna ordered, not letting her eyes strain from the door. Not by choice, though... her head was tightly squeezed between the sub-commander and doorframe, while about four guards were crammed on her back.

Good that she had the armour.

Now all she had to do was hope that the enemy would advance soon. Air was getting scarce...

SORRY!