It had been a very long night. Seven ponies were sitting at a table in their favorite pub, reflecting on what had happened. Nopony had ordered any drinks but they had been at the table so many times that the barkeeper didn’t mind; he knew they would order something, eventually, but for the time being they only wanted rest.
“You know... with all the things that have happened tonight, I still don’t know why you were there,” Carrot Top said, struggling against the words. Her tongue still felt bigger than it should. Blame that stupid smoke, she thought. “I mean... what were you doing? How did you know I was there at all?”
Nopony answered. The mare looked around, examining her friends’ faces, one by one. Octavia had leaves and ashes on her mane, Turner had blood all over the face, Lyra had a black eye, Bon Bon seemed pissed off, Derpy looked like if she was hungover... The only one who looked okay was Vinyl, who was grinning at Carrot.
Carrot Top looked at her own hooves. They had a little bit of blood on them, and her head felt so fuzzy...
“You okay, Carrot?” Vinyl asked, using a volume of voice far louder than usual. “You seem a little tipsy.”
“I think I am,” answered the mare. “I mean, everything is blurry and stuff.”
“Hmm.” Vinyl licked her lips. “Well, Derpy could try to kiss you. A good ol’ tongue wrestling would do wonders to you, in my opinion.”
Turner raised an eyebrow. “What?”
Octavia raised a hoof in the air. “I approve the idea of Carrot and Derpy making out.”
“Uh, yeah, of course.” Turner nodded. “I approve of it too. What a shame I didn’t bring my camera with me.”
“Shut up, you two!” Derpy looked at them with a frown and a very bright blush on her face. “I had to do that, ok? There was no other option!”
“Well, maybe there’s no other option now,” Turner said. “Also, what?”
“DOC!”
The entire table flinched after Derpy’s yell. Even the pegasus herself seemed to cringe in pain mere seconds after screaming that word.
“Ugh. Good idea,” said Bon Bon. “Do that again; talk as loudly as possible. It’s not like you’ve annoyed me enough tonight, right Derpy? Yeah, why have you stopped screaming? It’s so good for our ears. Like music from the heavens, really. In fact-”
“Yeah, shut up.” Lyra raised a hoof and closed Bon Bon’s mouth. The earth pony looked offended, but Lyra just rolled her eyes. “I have a fucking headache, and your chitty chat is driving me nuts.”
“I second that motion,” muttered Octavia.
“Yeah.” Carrot nodded. “Yet, you haven’t answered my question. How did you know I was at Blueblood’s?”
Everypony suddenly found that their hooves and the ceiling were very interesting. Again, nopony answered.
“You know, I think I may go home right now,” Turner said. “After all, it’s been a long night, and...”
“Answer my question.”
Everypony cringed again after hearing Carrot’s voice. Then, Derpy reluctantly tapped Carrot’s hoof and sighed. “It’s been a very long night, right?”
The earth pony just looked at her.
“Yeah.” Derpy sighed again. “You know, you’re going to be angry after this, ok? But don’t do anything. Tomorrow, we all will do something about it, and I’m sure you will be the most active, but right now we don’t have the energy to endure this. Also, you might kill Doc.”
Silence. Carrot Top nodded slowly. Time Turner was sweating profusely.
“We found your note,” Derpy said, “and we knew that after discovering that, you would go and beat your coltfriend... well, ex-coltfriend now, I guess? You would beat his brains out with a baseball bat. We had to stop you.”
“That explains why were you there,” Carrot said, “but how did you know...?”
“Boy, here comes the bomb,” whispered Vinyl. “Carrot, try not to explode, okay?”
“What...?”
“I’m awfully sorry, I’ve said so countless times!” Turner bit his lip. “Please, help me with this!”
“Yeah, sure.” Bon Bon rolled her eyes. “You get what you deserve, you idiot.”
“Can somepony please tell me...?”
“Doc put tracking devices in our food,” interrupted Derpy. “He knows where we are. All the time.”
Silence.
“As I said, we’ll take care of this later,” Derpy said. “Now, after discovering this, we knew where you were, and as we also knew that Blueblood was having a party, there was no way we couldn’t go and ‘rescue’ you. If you hit a noblepony while surrounded by nobleponies, you can’t expect anything less than a lifetime in jail, dear. So we hit the road as fast as we could...”
***
Four ponies were running down one of the longest streets of Canterlot, and one more pony was flying way ahead. Out of those five ponies, three were frowning, one had a tired face, and one was smirking in a way that made ice cubes chill.
Unknown to the eye, there was a hidden, black device in everypony’s right ear. That little device linked them to a sixth pony who was miles away, sitting in a chair that was not hers and looking to a giant computer that was not hers either.
That computer was one of the best in Equestria (if not the best), truly a marvel of science and magic mixed together. That computer was able to do things beyond imagination.
Sadly, the pony controlling that thing was an idiot, so the results were a little disappointing.
“Okay Turner, this shit doesn’t work!” Vinyl’s voice yelled through the little black communicator. “It’s just ones and zeroes and it’s green for some reason!”
Time Turner, the pony who had built that computer, face-hoofed (not an easy task when you’re running). “Vinyl, what the hell are you doing?! You’re describing the main code. How did you get to the main code?”
“I don’t know! I just pressed a button and then everything went crazy and now I’m looking at zeroes. I think that this thing is broken. ”
Turner squinted his eyes, trying to imagine the picture. “...A butto-? You can’t get to the main code with just one button! Why is she the one staying at my home again?!” He raised his hooves to the sky in desperation (again, no easy feat while you’re running). “Girls, really, I still can turn back to the computer and everything will…”
“NO!” five voices yelled through the communicator at the same time. “You can’t touch that thing until you explain a couple things, mister!” continued Derpy’s voice. It was sweet like a mouthful of honey on a pile of sugar. A little diabetes-inducing for Turner’s tastes, sadly. “You have been doing bad things with them!”
“Oh, for crying out loud…” Turner looked at the mares that were running with him through the stupidly long Canterlot road. “Look, I know it looks bad, but I swear I didn’t do anything disturbing with that computer! It was just a joke!”
“Dude.” Lyra was so near him that he could hear her voice both through the communicator and through the air at the same time. Turner felt a shudder when she talked. Her voice was always too cold to handle. “You gotta admit, that thing you did was a little too much. Somepony could have ended up hurt; that kind of joke is far out of your league,” she laughed. “You should have done something simpler. Like taking Bon Bon’s pillow and rubbing it against your ass, or spitting in her plate when she’s not looking, or burning her curtains without her noticing...”
“Oh, yes, I never noticed.” Bon Bon looked at Lyra with what seemed a contemptuous face. “I’m as fucking retarded as you, so I had no idea that my one and only roommate was the one that had burned the curtains. I thought the sun itself had done it, just because.”
“Shut up, Bon.” Lyra rolled her eyes. “The thing is, Turner, that you were smart when you decided not to ‘prank’ me like that. You would have ended up badly.”
Turner shivered. He had once seen Lyra send five stallions twice as big as her to the hospital. She wasn’t as strong as Carrot Top, of course. The problem was that she was so completely insane that no one never knew what to do with her. “Hm,” he answered.
“But, you see,” she continued, “even if you said you didn’t do that to me, “I don’t have any reason to believe you.”
“What?”
“I’m just saying,” the mare said with that a smile that could freeze Celestia’s own ass, “that you should be more careful with what you do.”
Turner gulped. “Um, so you are angry at me?”
“Angry? Nah.” Lyra shook her head. Then her horn gleamed, and Turner felt something pressing against his eye, which he closed immediately. “You would be one-eyed by now if I was angry,” the mare said after Turner had let out a whimper.
“Lyra!” Derpy’s voice came from the communicator again. “What are you doing?!”
“Threatening Turner.”
“Don’t do that!”
“Why?”
“Because it’s not polite!”
Lyra rolled her eyes. “See if I care.” Then she smiled again. “Watch your back, Turner.”
Turner licked his lips. “Um, technically that also was a threat.”
“Yes, go and say those kind of things to the crazy one,” muttered Bon Bon. “I’m sure that will totally help.”
“Bon, shut up.” Vinyl sounded pissed off. “Anyway, dude, that thing with our food was fucking sickening. You should be ashamed.”
“I’m sure,” Octavia said, with that smooth and soft voice that made you think that every word was an invitation to her bed, “that we could take you to the police for what you’ve done. We’re five poor defenseless mares that have been suffering the schemes of a peeping tom. I’m sure they would be with us.” She smiled. “You wouldn’t stand a chance.”
“Okay, first thing.” Time Turner could feel the blood getting to his face, and being flustered and pissed off at the same time couldn’t be healthy. “We have more important issues ahead, right? My ability to put tracking devices in your dinner, however interesting, is not what should be bothering you.”
“Turner, it’s creepy.”
“It’s scientific,” replied the stallion. “And second thing: no jury would believe you are a bunch of defenseless mares.”
They stared at him.
“No, really. I mean it.” He bit his lips. “Well, maybe Derpy...”
“Doc, don’t be mean to me!” said the pegasus through the communicator.
“What I don’t understand is how you had the nerve to put that thing in Carrot Top,” commented Vinyl. “I’m sure she will break your legs, at least.”
“Oh, yes.” Bon Bon snorted. “Of course, she will know what a tracking device is. Our Carrot is too intelligent to allow such a thing. I mean, she’s an expert on tracking devices and technology in general. Hell, scratch that; she’s an expert on everything science-related. She’s a doctor in science. It’s written all over her name. In fact, if you rearrange the letters of the name ‘Carrot Top’, you’ll get ‘science doctor’, as long as you’re both dyslexic as fuck and retarded.”
“Shut up,” Lyra snapped again.
Time Turner looked at the sky and shook his head. “Okay, I’m sorry. I’ve already told you so! Anyway-”
“Yes, we need to focus on Carrot Top’s rescue,” Derpy’s voice returned through the communicator. The pegasus was flying way ahead of them. “You just need to know that you and I are going to talk about this, and I won’t go easy on you, Doc!”
Turner could do nothing but roll his eyes.
***
Vinyl Scratch was fighting against a computer, and the computer was winning. She couldn’t believe a machine could be so incredibly wicked: everything was shining buttons and wires, things you could spin but shouldn’t and lots and lots of screens. Really, that thing was not of this world, the DJ thought.
She was sure the only pony weird enough to understand what the hell was happening in that thing was Time Turner, but there was no way they were going to let him touch it until he had given some explanations. Having a geeky genius as a friend was cool; discovering that the geeky genius had put some cameras in your house and some weird little thing in your salad that told him your position all the time was creepy.
Being a DJ and thus used to technology, she had been the most logical option to help the gang with the computer. Sadly, she was used to DJ tables, not freaky wicked computers. Every single screen was showing the same thing: a line of zeroes and ones running down in a weird way. And everything was green for some reason.
“Okay, so Turner’s an asshole,” Vinyl said through the communicator. “That’s something we already knew. But what in the everlasting shit do I do with this thing? It’s starting to creep me out.” She sighed. “Why do we need this anyway?”
“It controls the communicators and allows us to actually locate Carrot Top,” came Turner’s voice. “The communicators work fine because I programmed them before leaving, but the pro-”
“Yeah, yeah, magic, who cares.” Vinyl waved a hoof contemptuously. Something completely useless, she realized, because their friends couldn’t see her. But the thought of it is what mattered. “Still, we know where Carrot is. At Blueblood’s place. That’s, you know, the entire reason why we’re in a hurry.”
“We know that she is there,” said Octavia, “but we don’t know exactly where she is, remember?”
“The tracking devices have an error margin of less than a meter, so we need them if we want to save Carrot’s life,” Turner said. “They are vital for this mission...”
“Cut the drama, dancing queen.” Vinyl snorted. “She’s not gonna die. She’s only gonna be in trouble because of beating a guy.”
“Well, excuse me for adding a little extra excitement to the mission. You’re no fun.”
“I’m completely sure that your argument is helping us a lot.” Bon Bon’s voice came through the communicator. “It’s like-”
“For fuck’s sake, Bon Bon, you’re annoying,” said Vinyl. “Shut up. Nopony wants to listen to you anyway.”
“Oh, no. That’s, like, horrible,” said Bon Bon in a flat tone. “How can I live with that knowledge in my mind? Vinyl, I am so sorry I bothered you. I swear my intentions were completely kind; it’s not like I don’t fucking care about your opinion because you’re-”
“No, really,” interrupted Lyra. “Shut up.”
And then Bon stopped talking, because the only one able to make that idiot stop talking was Lyra. Vinyl sighed. The earth pony had a point after all, so she might as well do what she’d said.
“Okay,” she muttered, “I’m listening. Turner, you useless piece of crap, I’m waiting for your orders.”
“Throw those stupid glasses away and become a nun. That would be good for you.”
“Har, har, har. Explain what I’m supposed to do, and do it now.”
“Stop being so mean to each other!” said Derpy.
“Pfft.” Turner coughed. “Vinyl, you have somehow got to the main code, so you shouldn’t touch anything because you could... well, you could fuck up the entire computer.”
“Vinyl, you know what to do. Play that thing like a piano,” said Lyra.
“Oh, yes, be as stupid as possible, that’ll help. I mean, it’s not like this stupid conversation is already twice the normal length for something as stupid as telling somepony how to use a computer. Go on, you’re totally an interesting thing to hear right now, I would love to keep listening to your mindless, retarded chattering. Hey, I have an idea, why don’t you put some music as a background? I’m sure screaming cats would be the top of the-”
“No, really, Bon Bon, stop talking. This is the reason why everypony hates you.”
Turner sighed. “Look, Vinyl, what you need to do is go back to the main screen, and then you can select the cam-”
“Turner, I couldn’t understand a single thing of that main screen of yours. Can’t I, I don’t know...?” Vinyl looked at the thousands of little buttons the computer had. “...just press a button or clap my hooves and then everything runs perfectly?”
“No, I’m afraid you’ll have to use commands to...”
“Aw come on!” Vinyl kicked the computer. It hurt. “This piece of shit is a... useless piece of shit!”
Octavia chuckled with that sexy voice of hers. “You sure are a poet, Vinyl.”
“What?!” Turner’s voice seemed offended. “Vinyl, you should treat that wonderful machine with some respect! It’s the finest one I’ve ever built!”
“Dude, it’s not able to do anything. It just shows zeroes and ones and it’s creeping me out.” Vinyl scorned at the thing. “I think it’s possessed.”
“Look, that computer is like the God of Computers. Other machines can remember your name; this one can give you a blowjob if you know how to ask,” said Turner. “The only useless one there is you!”
“Well, this thing is clearly fucking with me, if that counts for you!”
“Oh my, that was a very good joke, Vinyl,” said Bon Bon. “Like, I am totally laughing my ass off. That was incredibly clever and not stupid. You truly are a genius of humor. And by the way, I also love the fact that you’re still talking nonsense and saying nothing about the main conversation. You see, if anypony else was doing this I would be completely pissed off, but I am in fact starting to like your little talks. Things like those are what make this life wonderful. It’s not like I think you’re idiots and you’re giving me a headache with your stupid shit. Oh, no, not at all. In fact, why are you stopping right now? Go on, it’s not like you need to stop when I’m talking, you’re clearly not smart enough to realize that-”
“For fuck’s sake, Bon Bon, we should have left you out of this.”
“And that would have been a bad thing for me. Like, it would have been horrible, it’s not like I would have loved it. At all. Oh no, this is one of my favourite activities, spending the night running through this stupidly long road to rescue our incredibly intelligent friend.”
“Okay, yeah, I’m ignoring her,” muttered Turner. “Look, Vinyl, I know what we’re going to do.” He sighed. “You see a giant red button right in front of you?”
Vinyl looked. The thing was impossible to miss: it was as big as an apple. “Yeah,” she said. “It’s gleaming with a green light. Everything is gleaming with a green light.”
“Well, don’t press it. Press the little green one that’s by its side.”
The DJ didn’t have a lot of options, so she did what Turner was saying. Immediately, the screens turned black. “Uh-oh.”
“What?”
“It’s stopped. Completely black.”
“And the situation just got better,” muttered Tavi. Vinyl frowned at this, but said nothing.
“That’s what it’s supposed to do,” said Turner. “Look, you’re gonna activate the Secondary Mode. Everything should be easier if we do that.”
“If you say so.”
“Okay, now look for the keyboard and type your name.”
“My name?”
“Your name,” reassured Turner. “The computer has a database with your, eh, data. I programmed it so it would change its main core and desktop so it would fit the user.”
“Is that even possible?” Derpy was the one talking this time. “I mean, Doc, I didn’t know you could do this kind of things with a computer. It almost sounds like magic.”
“Well, maybe because it is magic. Written Script helped me with it.”
“And may I ask why didn’t you do this in the first place?” asked Octavia. “It seems like it would have saved us a lot of time.”
Turner shrugged. “I thought getting to the main code was impossible for Vinyl. Too complicated.”
“Oh.” Octavia blinked. “Well, turns out it wasn’t.”
“Okay, so,” Vinyl said, “I’ve typed my name. Now what?”
“Hit Enter.”
Vinyl did so. And then the machine started running again.
For a couple seconds, the screens showed just zeroes and ones again. Vinyl was about to yell at Turner again for it, but then everything changed: the numbers disappeared and everything turned white. A single line of letters appeared in the center of the bigger screen.
IDIOT MODE ACTIVATED
***
Bon Bon heard Vinyl’s screams through the communicator, and she rolled her eyes so hard it hurt. The white unicorn seemed willing to show the world that she needed no technology to make herself heard from such a distance. It sure was a pleasure to her ears. Bon Bon wondered again why the hell she hanged out with such a gang of idiots.
But anyway she listened to what they were saying because she had absolutely nothing better to do. Oh Celestia, Bon Bon hated her life so much, she thought.
“TURNER IF YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY I SWEAR I WILL FIND YOU AND KILL YOU!”
“Vinyl, my dear, you’re deafening me.”
“YOUR COMPUTER IS INSULTING ME, AND I FIND THAT INSULTING!”
“Vinyl, you’re truly a master of language,” Bon Bon said. “Also, I love the fact that now you’re wasting time by insulting Turner again, but this time you’re also yelling, which makes it even better. You see, for a moment I was very worried: I thought you were going to actually start getting down to business. But nope! You were just preparing yourself for this legendary return to idiocy. I am so relieved and pleased for this.”
“Yeah, whatever.” Lyra looked at her with a raised eyebrow, and Bon Bon could feel her mouth closing by itself. Well that had been annoying. Stupid Lyra. She was worse than all the others together.
“Anyway,” Lyra said, “what have you done this time, Turner?”
Bon Bon chuckled. Everypony ignored her. She wasn’t sure if they were being rude again or just hadn’t got the joke.
The stallion smiled at Lyra. “Oh, it was nothing. I just made a little joke.”
“YOU’RE AN ASS!”
“A pony, technically.”
“Vinyl, please, tell me you have access to the tracking device and we don’t need to hear the rest of this conversation,” said Octavia before Bon Bon could say a word. “Please. I don’t think I’m able to stand this for another fifteen minutes”
“Yeah, I think I got it.”
Bon Bon looked at the sky. “I thank the heavens for this. But don’t worry, I’m sure you will find another way to be annoying, Vinyl. It’s like your other special talent. That’s the reason why we all love you so much.”
“Bon Bon, I don’t know if you’re being sarcastic here or if you’re just such a hypocrite. But anyway, shut the hell up.” Lyra scowled at her.
Bon Bon said nothing.
***
Derpy was way ahead, trying to locate the house they were looking for. She had seen it a couple times before that day, but as always, the moment she needed something was the moment that something was harder to find. She hated that.
Blueblood’s house was tall, white, with a huge garden and with golden statues in the roof. That description would have been more helpful if the entire east side of Canterlot hadn’t been tall, white, with huge gardens and with golden statues. Canterlot was such a weird city. Derpy hated it.
At least she wasn’t running. Running was always more tiresome than flying. “Aaaw, I can’t see where that big house is,” she said, trying to change the subject and act as a peacemaker, again. She had to, if she wanted to maintain that innocent façade. The things a mare could do for a stallion, she thought, rolling her eyes. “Octavia, would you mind reminding me how does it look?”
“Look for a round ceiling, darling,” came the earth pony’s answer. “It’s the most horrible ceiling you will have seen in your life, I promise.”
“How do you even know that house?” asked Lyra. “Have you been there before?”
“I played at Blueblood’s latest birthday,” answered Octavia. “It was so incredibly interesting that I spent half the night looking at the ceiling. It’s made of glass, Derpy. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned that before.”
“Aha!” The pegasus said. “I think I’ve seen it! Does it have a- uh.” She paused, not knowing exactly what to say. “Does it have a, um.” She forced herself to stop and mutter a little at this. “A... dolphin trying to... c-copulate... with a pony?”
“I think it was a shark, but yes, that’s the one.”
“What? Really? Dude, the old sculptors sure were weird.” Lyra snorted. “Do you mean the guy is actually...?”
“It’s a girl, not a guy. The dolphin is, um, mounting her,” answered Derpy. She narrowed her eyes and approached the house. “Well, at least it’s trying. I doubt it’s achieving anything. You need to turn left now.”
“How is the dolphin even out of the water?” asked Vinyl.
“That statue has to be based on the ancient myth of Pholotoideous,” said Turner suddenly . “I mean, a dolphin and a mare, it has to be it.”
Bon Bon was the next one talking. “And of course now you’re going to talk about why do you know that incredibly useful piece of trivia. Come on, we know you want to say it. We’re dying to know. Let me take a guess: you like dolphin pornography. Oh yes. That’s a perfectly rational explanation, and I myself provided it so you can , you know, shut up and never mention this again. Although we both know that you’ll do that, because-”
“Yeah, so dolphin pornography,” Lyra interrupted Bon Bon. “Turner, you’re horrible.”
“Don’t say such meany things! You should be polite with each other!” Derpy said. “Doc, why did you know the name of the statue?”
“Because ancient mythology is fascinating, of course.” Turner adopted that tone he liked so much, as if he was giving them a lecture. Derpy felt her frown turn into a smile. “Pholotoideous, the ancient god of luxury, was known for its lust and sexual desire. It once turned into a goose and fucked an entire village.”
“Wait, what?” Derpy stopped in the middle of the sky. “What do you mean by that? Also, please, mind your language! Gentlecolts don’t talk like that!”
“Uh, sorry. So, it turned into a goose and then fucked with an entire small town,” repeated Turner.
Silence.
“So you mean he, like, paired with every mare while being a goose?” Lyra asked. “But... I mean, what?”
“You said ‘village’,” said Octavia. “As in... Everypony or...?”
“Every single line of dialogue you have said in the entire night has been crazily interesting, but this shit is just the top of the cake,” Bon Bon muttered.
“Every stallion and mare received the goose’s might fuckery, according to the legend,” explained Turner. “Of course, those were other times. Better times. Sex wasn’t a taboo, more like a celebration of fertility. Being ass-humped by a god-goose was like winning the lottery. Same with the dolphin option, I guess.”
“I don’t know,” answered Derpy. She frowned and approached the statue a little. “Either the mare being pholotomonted is not enjoying it at all or she is enjoying it a little too much.”
“Yuck.”
“Okay so he turned into a duck and then fucked every living being in a town.” Vinyl snorted. “The ancient ones sure knew how to have a good time.”
“Well, it’s a shame Blueblood chose the dolphin-themed statue,” said Octavia. “I’m sure that with a carving of a goose furiously copulating with every pony in sight would have kept my interest for at least an hour or so.”
“Wow, a whole hour watching a goose fuck ponies?” Vinyl whistled. “At least sounds like an original way to spend your time.”
“Still better than another night playing for Blueblood.”
“Did he bother you?”
“Yeah, he wanted to get in my bed, I think,” answered Octavia. “No wonder why, of course. I’m the hottest cello player in Canterlot.”
“There are three pro cellists in the city,” said Lyra. “You and two grandpas.”
“I’m still the hottest.”
“Well, that’s what you say,” Vinyl said. “Octogenarians can be sexy.”
“Guys, turn right now. You should be able to see the house.”
“Oh, yes!” Turner talked this time. “Derpy, you’re a wonderful guide. I can even see Pholotodolphin trying to shred that mare in pieces with his godly and custard-flavored fishstick.”
“Custard-flavored?” asked Bon Bon.
“The ancient mythos were surprisingly detailed sometimes.”
“Still better than a goose doing the knock-knock with three hundred stallions.”
“That’s your opinion.”
***
The hottest cellist in Canterlot didn’t like to run. She was very good at running, of course. She had spent her entire childhood running and playing in the woods -that’s why she was so hot on the first place. But she didn’t like to run at all. Running wasn’t hot. She had discovered that once she had moved to Canterlot, and it was the first lesson every hot mare had to learn. Walking was hot. Dancing was hot. Playing the cello was hot. Running? No so much. You couldn’t even wiggle your tail properly while doing so.
What was the point of being hot if she couldn’t look hot? Hotness was serious business. It was incredibly difficult to find reasons for Octavia Philharmonica to run, but finding that her best friend was going to a high-society party to beat her cheating boyfriend senseless was one of them. It didn’t help that Carrot Top didn’t seem to realize how much trouble she could get into for her inappropriate actions.
They stopped talking once they could hear the sounds coming from Blueblood’s party. Octavia didn’t know what the others were doing, but she was both listening as hard as she could (trying to locate a mare screaming, or maybe a stallion) and feeling something was odd. She stayed like that for a whole minute, approaching that huge house and thinking. What was it? What...?
And then it hit her. Vinyl and Turner had been quiet for more than thirty seconds.
“Guys, is there something wrong?” she asked. “Vinyl?”
The DJ didn’t answer through the communicator, but at least Turner finally talked. “Okay,” he said. “Now we’re close to Blueblood’s. So...”
Silence.
“Did somepony think of a plan before we started running?” The brown stallion frowned while looking at the house. “I mean, Carrot is in there. We need to take her out before she loses her mind again. But how?”
“You’re the one who’s supposed to come up with a plan,” said Derpy. Octavia could see her, flying high above the huge mansion. Outside Blueblood’s house she could see ponies wearing expensive clothes drinking, dancing and just doing the usual boring-party stuff you were expected to do in a garden. However, the main celebration seemed to be inside the building. “It’s what you always do.”
“And they always end up perfectly, right?” Bon Bon rolled her eyes. “We know where she is because of the totally-not-creepy tracking device Turner put in her. So we get in there, take that imbecile and go away. That’s it, that’s the fucking plan. Now let’s do this, I want to go home as soon as possible.”
Turner bit his lip. “For once, you kinda have a point,” he muttered. “But, we’re trying to break into Princess Celestia’s nephew’s house. At his birthday.” He stopped and looked at the house. They weren’t exactly in front of it; the mansion was at their right. They had to continue walking down the road for a couple minutes before turning to the right and then descending to the stairs that lead to the main door. “So I guess it has a lot of security. And we only have one pegasus and one unicorn. We didn’t really think this through.
“Mostly,” answered Octavia. “Although I don’t think we should be so worried.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve been here before. I know how to deal with the guards in this place.” Octavia shrugged. “Trust me: if we just walk in there like if we knew everypony, there will be no problem. It’s not like we need to show an invitation.”
“Octavia, we totally need to.”
“Lyra, we totally don’t need to.” Octavia winked at her and approached Turner, grabbing his leg. “Look, this is the plan: Turner and I go to the main door and infiltrate the building. Turner, from now on you’re my partner in crime.”
“Woah. I got lucky.” Turner smirked. “Got the hot one.”
“Control yourself down there and you may get even luckier tonight.”
“I’m not sure if that’s an innuendo, but I’m in.”
Derpy muttered something over the communicator, but it was barely a whisper. Octavia couldn’t hear the exact words, but it sounded like ‘gonna kill you’.
“So,” Octavia said, ignoring Turner and the pegasus, “Lyra and Bon, you split up and try to get in from a window or something. Derpy, you do the same but from the air.”
Derpy muttered something that more or less sounded like a ‘yes’.
“Wait.” Lyra took a step towards Octavia. Her eyes were gleaming with a scary light. “Why are you going through the door while we do the dirty stuff?”
“Aw, I wanted to be the one doing dirty things.” Turner made a pout. “Tavi, we can always get a room. You girls are invited too, I’m not picky.”
“In your dreams, Doc.”
“Every night, don’t you doubt it.”
There was more Derpy muttering, this time questioning the moral of Turner’s mother.
“No, really.” Lyra raised an eyebrow at Octavia. “I’m asking. Why are you the ones going through the door?”
Octavia licked her lips. “Two reasons. First one: even being such a nasty companion, Turner seems a gentlecolt if he keeps his mouth shut, and I’m both elegant and incredibly hot.”
“You forget ‘humble’.”
“And modest.”
“That’s a given. So, we both can go in there without looking suspicious. There are only two guards, and me and Turner will distract them. You get into the party and try to get out with Carrot, and if you’re lucky we’ll do that before she has killed her ex-coltfriend. So, technically, we are the ones making the dirty thing here. No innuendos, Turner.”
“Aw, you’re no fun.”
“And second point: we will talk to the guards. I’m pretty sure there will only be two of them, but I can be wrong. Maybe this time Blueblood will have a higher security, so you may end up crashing into a guard. And, well. You can take care of that.”
After a few moments of silence, Lyra smirked. “Oh yes, I like that. Bon, you come with me.”
“Fucking great,” muttered the earth pony. “It’s like it’s my birthday again. What’s next? A piano falls in my head?”
“We have a plan then. Let’s split up,” Octavia said, and started to run down the road again. Turner followed her. “Try not to screw up!” she yelled at Lyra and Bon Bon, who were left behind.
Turner answered, but Octavia didn’t pay any attention. Her thoughts were in another place. What in the world was happening to Vinyl?
***
“Girls, don’t you think it’s weird? Vinyl hasn’t said a single world in forever.”
Octavia’s voice came clear as water through the communicator. Bon Bon had to recognize it: Turner was smart with his little machines. Bon Bon had no idea how they worked, but that didn’t matter anyway... or so had she been thinking till that night. If the stallion was watching them all the time, maybe he was too good with little machines.
“Yeah, she’s been quiet. What a fucking shame,” she said. “I mean, I totally love when my ears are bleeding because she never knows when to shut the hell up, and her voice is so musical and comfortable and totally not too loud.” Blueblood’s house was surrounded by a garden so big it was almost a forest -Bon Bon felt mud on her hooves and there were trees above her head. Both she and Lyra descended to the mansion, hiding in the woods. “But don’t worry: she’ll be back in five minutes. Like always. I think she can’t shut up even underwater.”
“Turner insulted her,” said Lyra. “So she’ll be flushing solid objects down his toilet or something. I would start with his clothes, and then maybe his curtains or dinnerware.”
“Lovely.”
“Hey, it’s not polite to insult your friends.”
“Because you just know so much about etiquette,” said Bon Bon. “In fact, I’m sure you’re almost royalty, because you are the most well-educated mare I’ve ever known, just behind absolutely everypony else in existence.”
“Hypocrisy doesn’t fit you at all.” Lyra waved her tail in front of Bon Bon’s nose, causing the earth pony to sneeze a little. “You better shut up, Bon. You’re almost bearable when you do so.”
“For heaven’s sake, don’t do that,” Bon Bon answered. Her nose itched. “Celestia knows where you have put that tail. I don’t want to catch an infection in my face.”
Lyra frowned. “You’re implying my tail’s dirty, Bonnie?” She approached her a couple steps. “You want trouble or something?”
“Those are exactly my intentions. I’m amazed at your deductive skills. Why are you wasting such gift in this simple conversation? Use it to fight crime and make this world a better place!” Bon Bon looked at the sky. “I am not worthy of talking with such an intelligent mare!”
Lyra smirked. “You know, usually I don’t give a single fuck about your rants, but keep talking like that and I’ll buck your face out of your shoulders. Savvy?”
Bon Bon raised an eyebrow. “I like when ponies answer sarcasm with physical violence: it says a lot about their mental capacities. I would love to see you trying to solve a puzzle; I’m sure you would try to punch it until it solved itself. Sometimes I swear I think you’re not really an unicorn and that horn is just a piece of glass that got in your brain when you were a foal. It would explain a lot of things.”
“You are still talking.” Lyra approached even more. Her face was just inches from Bon Bon’s, and her eyes had that one look. “Why are you still talking?”
“Well, for starters, I have a mouth. Also, I love the sound of my own voice, and your comments are so intelligent that I can’t help but try to answer to your witty comebacks in the smartest way possible, which takes a lot of words.” She licked her lips. “Alternatively, I guess I could punch a rock and start talking about hitting things with my forehead; something tells me that you would understand that. It’s like they say: if you want to impress a monkey, act as a monkey. Sadly, I love the sound of my voice too much to actually care about impressing you. Now get off. You’re too close.”
“And yet you keep talking, even when absolutely everypony would have stopped long ago,” said Lyra, seemingly ignoring her. She was still smirking. “What a stupid mare you are, Bon Bon.”
“Wow, you used the same argument twice. That takes guts. Let me-”
“For some reason,” interrupted Derpy, “I think that now’s not the best time to argue about that.” Her voice was almost a whisper. “Guys, I’m really close to the house. I’m hiding in a tree, and I’ve taken a look at the windows of the second floor. One is wide open, and the room is filled with ponies. The rest are closed.”
“What about the first floor?”
“Clear. But that’s your area,” answered the pegasus. “Besides, I can see the entire house from here; this tree is a good watchtower.”
“We don’t need a watchtower,” Turner muttered, “we can locate Carrot easily. Vinyl? Have you activated the radar?”
No answer.
“I told you, she’s not talking,” said Octavia, frowning. “I think she’s not there.”
“Oh, great. We’ll have to go without the radar until that idiot comes from the bathroom or whatever the hell she might be doing. Lyra, Bon Bon,” Turner said, “once you get in try to make the biggest mess you can handle. That way, Derpy can enter from that window.”
“Last time I checked you were not our boss,” said Lyra. “Why should we do that?”
“Because it’s better to have a pony in each floor than two ponies in the first and none in the second,” said Turner, “and we can later use that distraction to run away with Carrot. You know we’ll need some help with that. Now, shut up. We’re getting close to the door.”
“Well, I’ll do whatever I want; you’re not my-” Bon Bon rolled her eyes and looked at Lyra with a huff. The green unicorn interrupted herself and raised an eyebrow. “What?”
The earth pony snorted. “Why are you even arguing with him? You always end up doing what he says. Stop trying to look cool.”
“I’m not doing that.”
“Oh, of course. You’re acting as a perfectly rational mare.” Bon Bon pointed at the house. “Look, we go there and you make a mess, as you always do anyway, and we get to go back home as soon as possible while Derpy rescues Carrot. No need for you to make us pay attention to your stupid mannerisms.”
Lyra looked at her with one of those looks that made everypony but her freeze on the spot and start thinking about what being dead felt like. Lyra could be dangerous, but she could never harm Bon Bon, and she knew it. Sure, the two mares hated each other, but then again, they hated everypony. Theirs was just a special kind of hate. The one that make you pee on the other when you see she’s on fire –you’re being as mean as possible, but you still try to fight the fire.
Maybe that was the reason why they always ended up together, Bon thought. Well, that relationship was even more horrible than she had thought.
She opened her mouth to say something, but she didn’t have the time. Mostly because all of her thoughts about urine in fire were wrong, apparently. Lyra went to her in a few steps, turned around, raised her back legs and bucked her in the head.
Tonk!
Hard.
And she rolled down the forest, because OF COURSE she was just at the top of the hill, and the mansion was at the bottom. She had absolutely zero control on her trajectory. It hurt quite a bit.
She finally stopped with a strong thump! against the mansion and felt dizzy for a few seconds. Lyra’s voice came through the communicator, and she understood something among the lines of ‘that’ll teach her’. Fucking green unicorn. Bon Bon would definitely get back at her for that. Next time Lyra went out of the house, she would cut the strings off of her lyre.
Groaning, she tried to stand up and failed miserably. The ground met her with too much enthusiasm for her tastes. She tried to get up again, this time successfully, rubbed her eyes and...
Blinked a couple times. Holy shit, she couldn’t believe what she was seeing.
“Fucking jackpot,” she whispered.
***
“Lyra,” Turner said, “did you just kick Bon Bon?”
“None of your business.”
“It kind of is my business, giving the fact that we’re a team right now and-”
“You want a kick to the head too?”
“Ok, none of my business. Bon, are you dead?”
“Yes, I’m completely dead. I’m glad you asked, you see, because usually dead ponies can’t answer to fucking dumb questions like that one, but this dead of mine happened to be special! What a good thing, huh? Also, I’m glad to see that you were incredibly worried for my safety. Not asking for me or showing any kind of feelings towards my apparent dead has been one of the most beautiful gestures…”
“Ok yeah you’re alive, we don’t care. Shut the fuck up.”
“No, but really, my head hurts a lot.”
“I said we don’t care.”
Ignoring the conversation, Octavia stopped right in front of the stairs that went down to the main door of Blueblood’s mansion. Turner, right behind her, looked at what was waiting for them down there, and he could see two guards the size of chariots. Their necks were like Turner’s entire body, and he could see muscles as big as watermelons in their legs.
He then turned back to Octavia and gulped. “Well,” he said, “it seems like we have company.”
“Yes, I know.” The gray mare smiled, and there was something in her face that Turner didn’t like at all. “I already know them, in fact. They’re the only two guards in the entire house, and I’ve dealt with them once. I can deal with them twice.”
“Oh?” Turner raised an eyebrow. “How so?”
“I told you I’ve been here before, right?”
“Wait,” came Lyra’s voice from the communicator, “so you’re telling me that last time you came here you beat those guys senseless or something? Because if that’s the case I suddenly find you a little less pathetic, Tavi.”
Octavia didn’t say anything for a few moments, and Turner could do nothing but frown. She had quite a peculiar expression -the one she had when she was thinking on...
“Turner, you are the biggest asshole I’ve ever met, did you know?”
Turner blinked in surprise. “Vinyl?” he asked. “Is that you?”
“What?” Octavia frowned and touched her communicator. “That was Lyra, right?”
“Yeah, t’was me,” answered Lyra. “No weirdos in here.”
“No, she called me an asshole right now.” Turner frowned and sat on the floor. “Vinyl. Answer me.”
“Yeah, yeah, I’m here. I’m just talking to you right now,” said the voice. “You know, trying this sweet thing you have in this wicked computer. I can talk to only one pony?”
“Um, of course you can.” Turner rolled his eyes. “What kind of shitty communicator would be this thing otherwise?” He looked at Octavia, who was looking at him with a puzzled expression. “She’s only talking to me,” Turner said. “Because she’s an idiot, mostly.”
“I’m not an idiot!”
“Ah!” Octavia smiled. “I heard her too!”
“Me too!” whispered Derpy. “Vinyl, what have you been doing?”
“Oh, I didn’t like Turner’s little joke about me being stupid, so I flushed a couple things down his toilet to break it. I started with his clothes and curtains, and then I put some of his most expensive dinnerware.”
“Told ya,” said Lyra.
“Vinyl!” whispered Derpy. “That has been incredibly mean on your part! I can’t believe you were so bad! Why are you such a bully?”
“He called me stupid!”
“Ok, you’re totally paying me for that later,” Turner said. “Now, Octavia, please, tell me we have an interesting plan to get rid of those two guards so we can distract this goldfish of a friend we have over the communicator so she doesn’t go and try to burn my fucking house.”
“That wouldn’t be my next course of action,” said Lyra. “I would throw all of his food to his neighbor’s door so he’d have to apologize later. Then I would burn out something.”
“Lyra, you’re really not helping me here.”
“Why would I want to help you?”
Turner flinched. He could feel a smirk in Lyra’s voice.
“Well...” Octavia chuckled. Oh for crying out loud, she was smirking too. Turner hated smirks. Nothing good came out of smirks. “I certainly have a plan that’s interesting, but I think they are going to enjoy it more than you.”
Silence. Turner facehoofed. “It’s gonna be painful, right?”
“Go on, girl.” Vinyl sounded eager. “I know that voice. You’re thinking about something hot, aren’t you?”
“Well, you see...” Octavia giggled and raised an eyebrow at Turner. “Blueblood’s party was boring, okay? When I went here, I tried to entertain myself the best way I could, so... I had a break at one moment, and...”
Silence.
“Let’s say,” she continued after licking her lips, “that I certainly know that one of the guards fancies mares, and the other one’s door swings the other way.”
Turner felt shivers. “Oh no. Oh nonononononononONONONONONO...”
“Oh, come on.” Octavia patted him in the head. “Look, it’s easy: we both go down there. I use this body the Universe gave me to distract one of them, you go to the other, flutter your eyes a little and say a couple pretty things about his muscles and voilá! Everything is solved!”
“NONONONONONONONONONONO...!”
“OH YES! OCTAVIA, I KNEW YOU WERE GONNA MAKE ME PROUD!”
“U-uh.” Derpy gulped. “Doc with another stallion? Huh...”
“Hot,” said Lyra.
“SHUT UP ALL OF YOU!” Turner barked. “Look, Octavia, I am glad you think I’m cute but I am not, I repeat, I am NOT SEDUCING THAT MONSTER!” He pointed at the stairs. “Have you even seen his size?! He can kill me with a single pat of his leg!”
“Well, if you do your job well, he won’t use his leg,” muttered Lyra.
“SHUT UP!”
“Look,” Octavia said calmly, “I knew you were gonna react like this, so...”
“NO SHIT, YOU KNEW? WHAT GAVE YOU THE CLUE? THE FACT THAT I AM NOT GAY OR THE FACT THAT THE STALLION DOWNSTAIRS CAN HUMP ME TO DEATH WITHOUT ANY KIND OF EFFORT?!”
“Yeah, that’s even hotter,” Vinyl said.
“...so,” Octavia continued, “I’m willing to give you something in exchange.”
***
Vinyl’s laugh died after hearing that line, although the smirk didn’t fade from her face. She could hear the sultriness in Tavi’s voice. That mare was thinking about something good.
Turner seemed to notice too, because he stopped yelling immediately. “What do you mean?” he asked.
“What do you think I mean?”
“Being you the one who’s saying that, I don’t really know,” answered the stallion. Vinyl licked her lips. She was more or less as lost as him, but she remained silent, as well as the other three mares in the conversation. “Something that would offend my good old mother.”
“Is that a problem?”
“Just the opposite.” Turner sighed. “But, you know, even if you agreed to poledance for me -which, let’s admit it, would be awesome- I would say ‘no’. I’m just not seducing that gay planet of muscles, thank you very much. I love my ass and don’t want to see it turn into a shapeless piece of bloody meat.”
“Turner, as romantic as always,” muttered Vinyl. “Tavi, what are you talking about? You aren’t gonna sleep with this asshole, right?”
“Please, Vinyl, that would be unladylike,” answered her friend. “No, I’m talking about something way better.”
“Woah,” Lyra exclaimed. “Stakes are high then.”
“Go big or go home. Look, Turner, I’m offering you this.” Octavia sounded calm. “Me and Derpy. Full make out session. Ten, maybe fifteen minutes.”
“WHAT?!”
Turner’s voice was suddenly perfectly normal, no sign of hysteria. “With tongue?”
“Tongue and touching flanks,” answered Octavia. “The three of us in the same room, no cameras or weird technology. You would see the tongues, don’t worry. A little moaning if you please, but nothing too strong.”
“Octavia!” Derpy’s voice was the closest thing you could get to a rage scream while whispering. “Something tells me I should have a say in this!”
“Derpy, please. I’m trying to make a deal here.”
“I’m not making out with you just so Turner can be turned on!”
“Darling,” Octavia said, “he is always like that, hence his name.”
“I’m not in the mood for puns!” yelled Derpy. “Listen to me!”
“Woah.” That was bad. No way was she missing such a show just because Derpy had a severe case of prudeness. Luckily for them, Vinyl knew a lot of cures to prudeness. Quick as an eagle hunting down a rabbit, she pressed a couple keys and started a private conversation with the pegasus. “Girl, what are you doing?” she asked. “Turner is going to make out with a guy! We can’t afford missing that!”
“Vinyl, I’m not making out with Octavia!”
Her voice sounded at the same time outraged and offended... but deep inside there was doubt. Vinyl knew the pegasus; she wanted the gay porn. “Look.” Vinyl took a deep breath. “Look, this is a private conversation, they can’t hear you.”
Silence.
“Are you sure?”
“Totally.”
“So Doc can’t hear us?” Derpy’s voice was losing her usual sweetness.
Vinyl smiled. “Nope. You can let it out.”
“Oh, fine then.” The pegasus left out a sigh. “Ok, yeah, I’m totally making out with Octavia to see that thing. My Celestia, gay Doc? That’s like a dream come true. I would kill my hypothetical firstborn son for that shit. Girl, let me tell you, I hope you tape that thing, because I’ll be listening to it every night.”
“Totally.” Vinyl smirked. “Imagine all the things I could do with that! I could win every argument with that asshole! I could blackmail him every time I wanted! He wants me to pay for his toilet? Oh, sorry, can’t hear you over the sound of your ass being humped!”
“I guess.” Derpy laughed. “But I’ll use it for everything but that. Damn, gay Doc. That’s like my second best dream come true, really.”
“Second?”
“First one is him and the guard in my bedroom.”
Vinyl sighed. “Of course.” Derpy’s crush on Turner –well, maybe ‘crush’ wasn’t the best word. It was more like an obsession, really– was the worst kept secret of them all. “I still can’t see what the hell you see in him.”
“He’s perfectly fuckable, and has the nicest ass in Equestria,” answered the pegasus.
“I beg to differ. But why did you said no to Tavi’s offer if you’re so willing to make out with her?”
“Vinyl, I would make out with my octogenarian uncle for a tape of gay Doc’s porn,” Derpy said, “but I can’t just act as like a lusty mare in front of him.”
“Oh, right.” Vinyl nodded. “That would be too much like you. Aren’t you tired of acting as an innocent prude all the time? The Derpy I used to know was the sultriest girl I’ve seen, right after Tavi.”
“He likes the innocent kind.”
“Yeah, but…” The DJ shrugged. “I don’t know, you’re not being yourself. If you get to seduce him acting like that, then he won’t be in love with you, right?”
“I guess,” answered the pegasus, “but it’s been quite the time acting like this, you know. So it’s a little late for me to change my way of action now. Besides, let me get him naked at my place first, and after I’ve let him completely dry I’ll deal with those problems.”
“Isn’t he naked all the time?”
“You know what I mean.”
“I guess. Anyway, that’s not healthy in my opinion… but, well.” Vinyl waved a hoof. “It’s your sex life, not mine. So you were going to say yes from the beginning? Even though you need to make out with your friend first?”
“I was waiting for somepony to ‘convince’ me first.” Derpy laughed. “I’m glad you’ve been so fast.”
“Yeah, you know me. If you need my help, or just need to piss of Turner, I’m the mare.”
“Absolutely.” Derpy was still whispering, but she seemed happy nevertheless. “And about the making out friend thing… well, it’s Octavia. Who hasn’t got a make out session with Tavi by now?”
Wait, what? Vinyl stood silent a few seconds, processing that new information. “W-would you kindly repeat that?” she finally asked. “I, uh, don’t think I got it right.”
“Oh, please, Vinyl.” Derpy answered her in a tone the DJ could not read. Was it serious? Deadpanning? Maybe she was giggling? “A little fun between girls, don’t tell me you have never experimented with a friend.”
“Please tell me you’re kidding.”
“You may never know.”
“With Tavi?!”
“Hey, do you think Doc will try to join the party when Tavi and I get down to business?”
“Derpy, holy shit, you’re scaring me right now.”
“Yeah, I would like to be with another stallion instead of another mare if we’re going to have a threesome, but at this point I would do anything to get that imbecile looking at my rear, so I don’t really care. Besides, Tavi is always fun.”
“Whaaaat the fuck?!”
“More details later. Now do you mind getting back at the main conversation so I can act as a prude again? Thank you.”
Vinyl opened her mouth to say something else, but no words came out. Instead, she pressed another couple keys, grateful for the Idiot Mode. It may be insulting, but it sure was useful. Suddenly she could hear everypony again. “...So, a little preening for her wings and she can lick my cutie mark. Deal?”
“Deal,” answered Time Turner. “Always a pleasure to make business with you, Madame Phillarmonica.”
“I can lick what?” Derpy hissed. “Doc, you are really asking for trouble, aren’t you.”
“Cut me some slack, I’m about to seduce a monster just to see your wings being preened by Tavi’s mouth.” Turner sounded at the same time joyful and desperate. Vinyl found it funny as hell. “I hope you feel flattered.”
“How romantic.”
Silence, again.
“Turner, just remember: lay down and think of Manehattan.”
“Screw you!”
“Nah, I’m not the one getting screwed.”
“Woah, he’s getting cocky at us?”
“Remember, Turner: first bang the pony, then bang on the door!”
“You girls are assholes.”
“Stop worrying about our assholes and think about yours, dickhead.”
“Or about his dickhead.”
“Just how many penis jokes do you have?”
“Not enough, that’s for sure.”
***
Lyra kept her smirk on her face the entire time. Kicking Bon Bon had been surprisingly relaxing; she should do that more often. And even better: the earth pony had stopped talking for once, and that was so strange that she treasured every moment of silence. She absolutely loved being without Bon Bon’s chattering going on and on and on all the time. That mare was so stupid. Lyra hated her. She hated her so much. She hated everypony, but Bon Bon was a special case, because she was just so stupid and she never shut up. But now she was completely quiet. Lyra had kicked her in the head, and now she was quiet.
Of course, she was fine. She had said a couple words before, right? So it’s not like her kick killed her. No sire. Bon Bon was perfectly fine. She was just not there, and not talking to her. Lyra’s dream come true. Well, she had been without Bon Bon before, of course, like, when the earth pony went out on her own. But being in the same place and being perfectly able to talk to each other –via the communicator, of course– and still no talking? That was perfect. Bon Bon had finally learned to shut the hell up. Lyra couldn’t be happier.
Eyup. It was perfect. Perfectly perfect.
She stood there, rounding the house, looking for an open window to break into that stupid mansion and break shit up. And she was definitely not thinking about where the hell was Bon Bon or why wasn’t she talking to her. I mean, the kick was hardly a novelty, she had done worse things before. It was like, her thing. Besides, it had been just a kick, right? Nothing too serious. Bon Bon was perfectly fine, she had said so.
No open windows. That part of the garden was actually less wild than the backside. Lyra saw some kind of vegetable patch with potatoes and tomatoes in it. A lot of gardener tools were in there too -a shovel, a big sack filled with something brown, a rake...
She could hear nobleponies near. She was sure she could see them inside the house if she looked through the window, but she didn’t want to be spotted. So, she could hear them but she couldn’t see them. Also she was not thinking about why Bon Bon was so quiet. She wasn’t thinking about that at all. Celestia be damned, she hated that earth pony. She couldn’t be happier. No talking, even though the communicator was still on. Yeah. Paradise. She loved that situation.
She totally lov-ok, fuck it, she thought. Where the hell was that mare and why wasn’t she talking? Lyra huffed and turned around, going to the southern part of the house, where she had kick Bon Bon. She patted her communicator. “Bon Bon,” she said, breaking the silence.
“Hmm?” The earth pony’s voice came, and Lyra could feel herself calming down a little. She also got immediately pissed off at the answer, because she hated that mare after all, and talking with her was a pain in the ass.
“Where the fuck are you?”
“Hmmmpf.” Bon Bon’s voice sounded muffled, like if she had something in her mouth. Then Lyra heard her spitting something, and next time she talked, Bon Bon’s voice was as normal as ever. “Well, I don’t know if you remember, but you sorta kinda kicked me in the face and I rolled down this stupid cliff. Maybe it’s too blurry to you; because I guess that your long-term memory has a three-maybe-four seconds ratio and you constantly forget that being a huge ass is not exactly the best thing ever. But, well, who am I to judge, huh? I mean, it’s not your fault. The world made you this way. It’s society’s fault. They should have thrown you into a fire the moment you opened your eyes. My head hurts a lot, did you know?”
“For fuck’s sake, Lyra,” came Vinyl’s voice, “why did you do that? She was quiet!”
“Yeah I should have shut my mouth,” muttered Lyra. A talk with Bon Bon was still a pain in the ass. “Either that, or I should have kicked her harder.”
“Lyra!” Derpy whispered. “Don’t say such things, or I’ll be angry!”
“Oh no. An angry Derpy.” Lyra rolled her eyes. “Run for the motherfucking hills.”
“Hmmmpf.”
Lyra frowned. Bon Bon had sounded muffled again. “What in tarnation are you doing, you idiot?” she asked. “And where are you?”
Bon Bon spitted again. “I’m providing us with the best distraction we can get. You’re welcome, by the way.”
“You’ve found a distraction?” Derpy’s voice came out through the communicator this time. “A good one?”
“No, a very bad one, that’s the reason why I’m so excited about this. Ask a stupid question...” Bon Bon huffed a little, like if she had trouble moving. “Now, Derpy, wait in your point until you see you can enter the house without trouble. Lyra, where are you?”
“Left side of the house.”
“Stay there, I’m going your way. I’ve finished with this, anyway.”
“Octavia? Doc?” Derpy asked. “How are you doing? Have you heard this?”
“Yeah, we have. Good one, Bon. For the first time in your life you’re not useless,” said Octavia. "I’m going there first so Turner can seduce the gay one later without public. Vinyl, please, turn off my communicator -I’ll be talking a lot and distracting you.”
“As you please, m’lady.”
“Bon Bon, what kind of distraction do you have?” Turner asked. “Because if it’s a very good one, I can...”
“Turner, I’m only doing it because you’re distracting the guard,” interrupted Bon. “I can’t do anything otherwise. We make noise, go in there, get Carrot, get out and once you’ve finished doing the snu-snu we go back to our houses and everything is fine and dandy.”
“I hate you so much.”
“Everypony does,” said Lyra. “And you still haven’t told us what the distraction is, Bonnie. What are you planning?”
“Don’t call me that; you’re not my mother. And I thank Celestia for that, because I’m sure that any foal unlucky enough to have you as her motherly figure would try to strangle herself with her diapers after three days of dealing with your shit. As for my plan, turn around and see for yourself.”
Lyra did so, and her eyes opened wide at the sight that unfolded upon her. Bon Bon, a wild smile in her face and a weird sparkle in her eyes, was carrying a bag filled with...
“Bonnie, is that what I think it is?”
“What?” Vinyl asked them with an eager voice. “I think I’m missing something, and after gay Turner nothing can go wrong today. What is it?”
Bon Bon chuckled. “It’s the prankster’s most beautiful dream come true, my little awful musician. You see, when Lyra kicked me for the sole reason of being a huge bitch, I ended up finding Blueblood’s own private garden. And with ‘private’, I mean private.”
“Oh, no. You don’t say...”
“Yes.” Bon Bon threw the bag to the ground and licked her lips. “Origanum, weed, Green Fantasy, Dream Hay, clover and some weird red leaf I had never seen.”
“Wait.” As Lyra approached to the bag and inspected what was inside, Derpy talked through the communicator. “Are you saying that Blueblood has a drug garden here?”
“No. No he has not.” Bon Bon pointed at the bag. “In fact, everything you see? Yeah, I completely took it out of my ass. I had this thing the entire time. I’m like, a complete junkie. Oh yes, I-“
“Yeah, shut up.” Lyra looked at the herbs. “Holy shit, if we sell this we can end up with fifteen thousand bits at least. And that’s not counting that red shit.”
“Red?” Turner talked this time. “I’m a little busy seeing how Octavia seduces that guard, so I haven’t payed as much attention as I would have wanted to, so correct me if I’m wrong: you say there’s a red drug in there?”
“No. No, we didn’t say so. In fact, I didn’t mention it like three thousand times, Turner. Gosh, you’re incredibly smart, did you know that?”
“Go fuck a nail, Bon. Lyra, is there anything red? It’s kinda important.”
“Yeah. You know it, Turner?”
“Well...”
“I sure know what it is,” said Vinyl, “and the best thing you could do is throw it away right now. It’s Red Fantasy, although some ponies call it FTS.”
“FTS?”
“Fairies-then-shit. It makes you feel magical and like flying, but then your magic dust goes out.” Vinyl sighed. “And then everything feels like shit, always. You need another bit to feel good, and after a little while, there’s no pony in there. Only fairies and deep inside, a pool filled with crap.”
“Celestia,” said Derpy. “And Blueblood has that thing? No wonder he’s an imbecile.”
“What are you going to do with that material anyway? You don’t smoke anything in there, right?”
“Of course.” Bon Bon rolled her eyes. “Didn’t you hear me? I love doing drugs. I’m going to smoke all this shit, including that incredibly dangerous red thing. Oh yes, I can barely wait, I really want to get as high as the fucking moon as soon as possible. That’s the entire reason why I told you this was a distraction, you see. Because I wanted to get stoned. That’ll be so incredibly useful I don’t see why I don’t have an entire sack of drugs with me all the time –oh, wait a minute, I do! Well that makes the situation even better!”
“We can use this to get the entire party stoned,” said Lyra. “Well, for once this piece of shit we know as Bon Bon has had a good idea. I light up this little beauty and we split: Bon Bon throws the biggest one at the garden, Derpy a little bit in the second floor and I do the same with the first one.”
“Glad you thought about it.”
“”But, guys…” Derpy sounded doubtful. “I really want to rescue Carrot Top, but isn’t it a little extreme? I mean, I don’t want them to be throwing up fairies for years. That’s just mean.”
“Eh.” Bon Bon frowned. “Eeeeh. I guess so?”
“You can always light up everything but the FST,” said Vinyl. “The plan was really good.”
“There are a lot of red leaves. It would take forever...”
“Maybe you don’t need to do that,” Turner said. “The Red Fantasy is related to the Green Fantasy, but the way you take it is very different. You don’t smoke it: the FTS -scientific name Lucky Soldaren, by the way -is sniffed. You need to cut the leaves, crush them and put some kind of light acid on the mix...”
“Acid?” Derpy said in something that was barely a whisper. “Ponies sniff something that has acid?”
“Using Vinyl’s beautiful metaphor, the acid helps the fairies go out easier.” A pause. “And then it causes ninety percent of the shit, if I’m correct. Anyway, the plant isn’t harmful per se... The way it’s taken makes it harmful.”
“So, there’s nothing bad if we burn this thing?”
“There shouldn’t be,” answered Turner. “Although I’m not a hundred percent sure, but... Vinyl, have you ever seen a pony smoking this thing?”
“No.” Vinyl’s voice came sour. “And I’ve seen ponies sniffing it only once, in a party. I went home and stopped seeing those ponies immediately. That thing is no good, girls.”
“But what about the smoking?”
“Nopony smokes that thing,” Vinyl said. “I mean, it’s a sniffling drug, not a smoking one.”
“So, as I thought,” Turner said. “If you burn that thing, it will be destroyed, but no fairies.”
“Let’s burn it then,” Lyra muttered. “I mean, what’s the worst thing that can happen?”
“We can destroy the lives of a lot of ponies we don’t know.”
“Do I look like I care?”
“No.”
“Then let’s do this.”
“Wait.” Derpy interrupted the girls’ conversation. “I think we’re forgetting something here -Doc seducing that huge pony and this junkie prank are good things, but...”
“You’re forgetting your make out session with Octavia,” muttered Turner. “Just saying.”
“Yes, yes, of course. So homosexuality and drugs aside, weren’t we here to rescue Carrot Top?”
Silence.
“Yo, DJ.” Lyra tapped her communicator. “Tell us where the hell is that stupid friend of ours.”
“Third floor.”
“Well then, the plan goes on.” The cream-colored earth pony emptied the bag of drugs and separated its contents in three groups. One of them, the biggest one, was immediately put inside the bag again. “We light this thing once Turner is distracting the guard; I get the bag and go outside. Derpy, you better come here now, because Lyra will have to start the fire before you get the material and we don’t want you to fly high. Then once they get what’s happening and start screaming, we get Carrot Top and get away as soon as possible.”
“You know,” Turner said, “the plan will only work because the smoke of those things is white. Once they notice what’s happening, the guards won’t bother us. And you’re already inside, so why am I dealing with that monster?”
“Mostly because we find it funny,” said Vinyl. “Also, Derpy and Octavia.”
“Oh, right. So we’re just acting like idiots for the sake of it.”
“Yeah.”
“Uh-huh.”
“I myself couldn’t have said it better.”
“Well then.” Turner sighed. “Octavia is laughing, and both she and the hetero guard seem to be having a good time. I guess she’s going to go to the forest soon with him, and the other one will be left alone.” His voice was trembling a little, Lyra noticed. “Time to behave like imbeciles.”
***
Carrot Top was not a stupid pony.
No, she was not stupid, and she hated when her ponies called her that. So nopony did, because they knew better. She was just a little hot-headed. The main problem with her was that, as a hot-headed pony, she was incredibly cold sometimes. As Vinyl, with her fine words, would have said: you just did not fuck with Carrot Top. It was something you simply did not do, or you would end badly. She didn’t just show up and kick your weak little ass, oh no, she got even with interest.
Carrot Top knew that, and she was sure everypony also did. Or at least everypony who knew her -and one of the first things she liked to say when being introduced to somepony was “you better don’t do anything nasty or I’ll fucking kill you”.
Now that she thought about it, maybe that was the reason why she didn’t have so many friends.
This time, for once, she wasn’t guilty of anything. Yes, she was seeking revenge. Again. But it wasn’t a trivial thing, like always. No impolite waiter, no off-hoof insult to her mother’s pride. This time it was an offense so big that absolutely every living being would seek revenge out of that.
Having a noblepony coltfriend had been a good experience. The Bastard family was one of the most beloved houses in Canterlot. Although Carrot had been a little annoyed by the incredibly high amount of time her not-so-dear-now Cheating had been “doing some important business”. Then she had discovered that ‘important’ was codename for ‘my secretary’ and ‘business’ meant ‘in all the orifices imaginable until we’re so wasted up we can barely move’.
Yeah, if you were stupid enough to cheat on Carrot Top, the Carrot Top, you might as well close the stupid door. Or else, things would end up badly.
Really, she just wasn’t the kind of pony that opens the door when she discovers you screwing your secretary to the floor and starts yelling at you. No. She was the kind of pony that went to her house, got dressed with the fanciest clothes possible and showed up at the party you were supposed to go together. And she waited there.
Alone.
In a corner of the third floor.
Looking angrily at the door she knew Cheating was going to open sooner or later, looking for her and without any kind of clue about what was going to happen. Around her there was a crowd of ponies, but surprisingly nopony looked at her right in the eye. They were a little afraid, you see. Everypony was a little afraid of Carrot Top when she got that kind of grin on her face.
It wasn’t a scary grin, oh no. A scary grin is the one that says “I’m gonna kick you” or “you’re going to lose a limb here”. Her grin was a normal grin. If you looked at it, you could only see the words “hello, dear”.
But, her grin said that with, you know, that kind of voice. The one that shouldn’t give you goosebumps but does. It was the kind of “hello dear” that is usually followed by “we need to talk” and then something like “you’re gonna lose three limbs right here, right now”.
But you could only see that if you stared at her grin for a couple seconds. And nopony did.
She had been there for hours, imagining Cheating looking for her like crazy, not knowing what to do. In the end, he would show up at the party because he had to... and then she would, um, talk to him.
And so, she waited, knowing that she was going to get what she wanted. The thought that beating a noblepony senseless in the middle of Prince Blueblood’s birthday party could bring her a lot of trouble didn’t register in her head. But Carrot Top wasn’t stupid. Nopony was crazy enough to say that.
She was just a little hot-headed.
Besides, she didn’t really think of anything while waiting for him. She just smirked and stared at the door. After all, if she had thought of anything the realization that having a pony named Cheating Bastard as a coltfriend hadn’t been a good idea since the beginning would hit her. And that would have meant that she was, indeed, a little stupid.
And let’s be honest: not even Carrot Top’s brain was crazy enough to tell Carrot Top she was stupid. Celestia knew what would she do to the poor thing if that happened.
***
Octavia could feel Turner staring at her while she was descending the stairs. The stallion was not only nervous, but just downright hysterical. The knowledge that he was going to witness the most glorious spectacle of his life the day after had calmed him a little, but once he had gotten used to it, the immediate presence of the hulking guard had overcome his lust. A very impressive feat.
The mare snorted in a very sexy way and walked a little slower. The guards had already seen her, of course, but it’s not like hurrying would do anything. Well, maybe, but that was not the point of the act.
She was still away from the guards -far away enough for them not to hear her if she whispered- when Vinyl’s voice came through the communicator again.
“Um, Tavi?” she asked. “Are you there?”
“Vinyl, the guards are right in front of me, I can’t talk. What’s happening? I told you...”
“Yeah, yeah, nopony can talk to you right now -except for me, but I’m the one controlling this so I don’t really count. And...” Vinyl’s paused, and Octavia could imagine her licking her lips nervously, “this is a private conversation, in fact.”
“I see.” Octavia hadn’t stopped walking, and now the guards were closer. She tried not to move her mouth while talking. “Vinyl, hurry.”
“Oh, right! Eh... well.” A pause. “It’s not like it’s important, really. It’s just... uh. I don’t...”
“Vinyl!”
“Okay, okay! I was just -just wondering, nothing else!” Vinyl whispered. “About, you know, what you offered to Turner. The Derpy thing. I just wanted to know if you feel comfortable with it. You know, I can talk to Turner and...”
Octavia rolled her eyes. She stopped for a moment -she was too close to the guards to talk while looking at them now, anyway- and looked at her hooves, as if she had stepped on something. Then she started waving her hoof in the air in a casual way while talking, completing the act. “Vinyl, for Celestia’s sake, I’m a little busy here!” she hissed between her teeth. “Derpy’s a friend, Turner’s a friend and why the hell would I feel uncomfortable with something I actually asked? It would be just a kiss, I don’t need you to look after me like if I was a baby!”
Silence.
“I just...”
“I know what you are doing, and it’s very sweet for you and I’m not mad at you and you’re a very good friend for thinking so,” Octavia said as fast as she could, “but I am a little busy right now because I kinda need to look elegant in front of two guards and it’s a little difficult if you’re talking to yourself! We have all the time in the world, Vinyl Scratch, you sure can wait a couple hours to talk about my feelings!”
“Uh.” Vinyl sounded ashamed. “Yeah, you’re right, it was just dumb from me. I kinda talked with Derpy and... you know what? Never mind.” The DJ’s voice became her usual happy tone again. “You go and show those guards who’s the best one at the game, girl!”
“Of course.” Octavia stopped acting like an idiot and walked to the guards again. “Thank you anyway,” she managed to mutter before getting too close to do so.
“I’m the one who should say that,” answered Vinyl. “You’re the one who’s bringing us gay Turner after all!”
Octavia just smiled. The guards were looking at her, and she could see in their eyes that they had recognized her. Not like anypony could forget her easily anyway. “Hello, boys. Having a good night here?” she asked.
The one on the right, a big pile of muscles with a brown fur, a yellow mare and a steel bar as a cutie mark answered with a goofy smile. “Way better now that you’re here, miss Octavia.”
“Oh, Steel, how gallant.”
Vinyl didn’t say another word. Octavia guessed she had stopped the connection again.
***
Octavia had been clear while talking about what to do with the guards: she had to go first, then once the other guard had been left alone Turner had to appear and save him from boredom. Via wiggling his lips, apparently. The cellist was already talking with the two guards downstairs, and Turner, hiding so they couldn’t see him, was watching the show.
He didn’t quite like it. It didn’t take a lot to notice that Octavia was obviously paying more attention to one of the stallions -and he was the less muscular one. So he had to be the straight one, which meant that Turner was going to deal with what could only be described as a hefty, apocalyptic beast who clearly liked corporeal growth hormones. Every time Turner looked at him, the stallion looked bigger.
Of course, the idea of Octavia and Derpy making out furiously in front of him was a powerful motivation for him to overcome his fears, but now he was surely having doubts. The sooner Octavia finished talking with her guard, the sooner everything would be over and he could forget about that night, so it was best for him to be as quick as possible.
Turner sighed and kicked the ground.
“Having doubts, Turner?”
“You don’t say?” The stallion rolled his eyes. “Excuse me for being sensitive about this kind of issue. It’s a sore point of mine.”
“Did you just make a sex joke?”
“Maybe.” Turner chuckled. “Gotta remain funny if I want the mares to be crazy about me, right?”
A pause. And then Vinyl talked with an unusual tone. “Yeah, I guess...” It sounded almost melancholic. “So, not so nervous after all?”
“I’m gonna try to seduce a pony who can pound me to death in a few seconds. So obviously I’m incredibly calm. Heck, I’m even willing to do that! It’s the best night of my life! Girl, I sure love dealing with scary muscular stallions!”
“Okay, I see you’re kinda hysterical after all.” Vinyl chuckled. “Well, it’s not so bad. I mean, he is not going to pound you and you know it. Even if you go there and he thinks you want the booty, he won’t do anything if you just say ‘no’.”
This definitely set on the alarms in Turner’s brain. “Vinyl?” he asked. “Are you okay?”
“Wha-yes! Why shouldn’t I? I’m just, you know, being serious for once.” Vinyl snorted. “It’s not like you’re in danger or something, and the jokes are getting old.”
The stallion sighed again. “Do you mind turning this conversation into a private one? No offense, girls, but I need to ask something and...”
“Eh, it’s already private.” Vinyl sounded like a schoolfilly getting caught doing something bad. “The girls are talking about the plan, and... Well, I thought...” She stopped talking.
Silence fell between them for a couple seconds, until Turner frowned and sat down, forgetting about Octavia and the gay guard (well, almost) for a moment. “Vinyl, do you want to talk about something?”
“Um. No.”
“Yeah, okay.” Turner raised an eyebrow. “Then, please, talk to Octavia and ask her to buy us more time. I’m willing to stay here all night if you want to. It’s not like I’m dying to go downstairs.”
“Uh.”
“Being honest, it would be a far better idea to just ask you to wait until we have rescued Carrot Top to start what I fear is going to be a somewhat serious talk in the middle of all this craziness, but again, I don’t want to go downstairs.”
A pause.
“Okay.” Vinyl sounded guilty again, and a couple seconds after that single word she talked again. “Done. I guess she can buy kinda a lot of time. Tavi knows how to deal with stallions.”
The way her voice broke while saying that said a lot to Turner. “And that’s a bad thing?” he asked. “Is there something wrong with Octavia?” He frowned. “Do you want me to tell her that she doesn’t need to make out with Derpy? Because she’s an adult, and I am-”
“No, no, no!” Vinyl interrupted him. “No, it has nothing to do with Tavi and Derpy, okay?! Nothing to do! At all!”
“I see.” Turner nodded. “So, tell me what is happening.”
Another pause. The stallion started to get impatient. “Look, Vinyl,” he said, “we don’t hav-”
“Derpy and Octavia have been fooling around,” Vinyl said in a whisper. “Like, I don’t know exactly how long have they been doing it, but I’m sure they’ve, um, done it at least once.”
Well, Time Turner sure wasn’t expecting that information. “Woah,” he said. “Well that’s cool. You mean they’re like a couple? I didn’t know they swung that way!” He frowned. “Hey wait a minute. Both of them have had coltfriends before, right? Or were they lying? You’re upset because they have been lying to us?”
“No!” This time Vinyl didn’t whisper. It was more like one of her usual yellings. Turner felt a little relieved for it. “No, they’re not a couple! Well, or so I think. Derpy has just said the make out session they’re going to share because you asked for it is not going to be the first. And...” Her words faded. “Hm.”
“Oh.” Turner blinked. “That’s a completely different thing, I guess.” A pause. “Does that make you uncomfortable, Vinyl? Do you want to talk about it?”
“No! I mean, yes, I want to talk about it I guess, but it doesn’t make me feel uncomfortable. Or...” Turner could hear her taking off her glasses. That meant serious business. “It shouldn’t make me feel uncomfortable, I think. I mean, I’m okay with this kind of thing, you know?”
“Hey, it’s not your fault if you feel uncomfortable about gay ponies, I think.” Turner chuckled. “Well, it’s not something good at all, of course, but, you know. The way you’ve been educated may have to do something with it. You just need to understand that they’re still the same ponies you know and love.”
“It’s not like that!” Vinyl said. “I’m totally cool with gay ponies, okay? I’m like, the most gay-friendly pony you would ever know.”
“I see.”
“And, it’s not the fact that it’s been Derpy,” the DJ said, “I don’t care about it. I mean, Derpy is also a very good friend of mine, and she’s totally cool. But, Octavia didn’t say anything. Hell, I’m sure she didn’t even think about telling me because she didn’t think it was important!”
“Oh.” Turner nodded again. Well, so this was only about Octavia then. Not like it had been hard to guess. “Yeah, I can see your point. Derpy is my best friend and she didn’t say a word about this either. And honestly, I don’t see why should she do that.” He laughed. “Although it would be awesome if she just came to me one day and said ‘hey Doc, I’ve been lesbianing with Octavia all night long! Do you want any photos?’ It would be quite the experience.”
“What?!” Vinyl yelled in surprise. Turner yelped. “But I thought you had a thing with Derpy!”
“It’s complicated.” Turner shrugged. “I believe she feels attracted to me, and I sure think she’s lovely and flirt with her when we’re alone and that kind of things, but we’re mostly friends. Like you and...”
Turner closed his mouth. Oh. Oooooh. Now he could see it. It had been kinda foolish for him to be as blind, now that he thought about it. It made a lot of sense, given the situation. Not that the realization wasn’t less shocking because of it, of course, but at least now he could see why Vinyl was so upset.
Vinyl was like a child sometimes. Turner couldn’t help but smile at the situation. “Vinyl,” he said.
His tone might have been a little weird, because the DJ sounded suspicious. “What?”
“Do you have a crush on Octavia?”
“NO!” The communicator trembled at the volume of Vinyl’s voice. “No, I don’t have a crush on her! Stop imagining weird things you asshole! Celestia, you’re the worst kind of pony I’ve ever known!”
“Yeah, now insult me, that sure will help.” Turner tapped the communicator, slightly deafened by his friend’s screaming. “Then why are you so upset? I’m not telling anypony, you have my word.”
“It’s not...! I...!”
Silence.
“I don’t have a crush on her, okay?” she said. “That’s for sure.”
“Okay.”
“But, I could have a crush on her if I wanted.” Vinyl sighed. “It’s like, I thought Octavia was straight as an arrow, you know?”
“Everypony did so,” Turner said. “Although I guess her being a bi doesn’t sound too strange. She likes sex a lot.” He scratched his nose. Talking about this kind of things was always difficult, you never knew when you were offending someone. “Not that I mean that bisexual ponies are promiscuous, of course” he added. “It’s just that Octavia...”
“Yes, I know what you mean,” Vinyl interrupted. “Octavia likes to have a good time here and there, and she is very open-minded. But, I didn’t know that she liked to, you know. That she was a...”
“A filly fooler?” Turner asked. “Well, it makes sense for her not to scream that kind of things to everypony that passes by. You know how society is.” He frowned. “If a mare likes to have a good time in the bed, she’s a slut. Octavia already deals with that kind of opinion, but what do you think it would happen if ponies knew she also likes mares? It wouldn’t be pretty, that’s for sure.”
“I guess it makes sense.” Vinyl sighed. “But, I’m her best friend! Why did she tell Derpy and not me? I wouldn’t have called her any mean name! Hell, I would beat senseless any bastard stupid enough to do so to her! She didn’t trust me; that’s what annoys me the most!”
“Hmmm.” Turner took a look at the stairs. Octavia was still talking with the ponies, although now she seemed completely centered in only the hetero one. “Well,” he said, “I don’t want to offend you, but you didn’t tell her you swing both ways either.”
Bam. Turner could hear Vinyl being suddenly as quiet as her dear grandmother, who had been dead for fifteen years. The DJ wasn’t even breathing. “I see you haven’t stopped to think about this little detail, right?” he said.
Turner could imagine Vinyl staring at the computer screen, frozen. “You... why do you think I’m a bi too?”
“You told me a couple minutes ago. I guess you didn’t think about your words in the heat of the moment.”
“Oh.”
“Look, Vinyl,” the stallion said, “I guess I’m telling you something you already know, but sometimes we need friends to remind us about how the world works. So just shut up and listen, okay?
“Octavia is your friend, and yet you didn’t tell her anything about your sexual identity. May I ask why?”
“Bec-”
“Because either you were afraid or you were embarrassed,” Turner said, “or maybe because it might look like you have a crush on her even though you are not really sure if that’s true and you don’t want to scare her away.”
“How did you...?”
“I have experience in this kind of things,” he said. “I told you my thing with Derpy is complicated. Besides, I’m a genius.”
“So you think Octavia feels the same? Or...?”
“Well, Octavia is a little harder to read,” Turner answered, “mostly because she’s smarter than you.” Vinyl didn’t say a word about this comment, so the stallion continued, “so I can’t be sure. But I can guess if you want.”
Vinyl took a deep breath. “It’s kinda pathetic, but it would help a lot, if you don’t mind.”
Turner smiled. “Well then. You can say that Octavia feels the same, for example. Maybe she just didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable. You’re very close, so you may have thought that she had a crush on you because blahblahblah. And you were feeling the same way all along. Oh, the irony.”
“Cut the sarcasm, you idiot,” Vinyl said, although Turner could hear the smile in her words. “But that doesn’t explain the Derpy thing! I mean, I think Derpy is cute, but... why did Octavia choose her as, you know, material to have a good night? Why didn’t she...” She gulped. “Oh Celestia, you’re not talking about this later with anypony, right?”
“You have my word.”
“Okay,” she said. “So, why didn’t she choose me?! I get that she wants to keep the equal lover part as a secret because some idiot may call her a super-slut, but we’re her friends! And if Derpy is going to be comfortable with that kind of situation, then why shouldn’t I be super-comfortable with it too?!” Turner could hear her hitting the computer with a hoof. “Hell, I’m not even angry at the fact that she’s seeing other ponies right now; it’s not like we’re a couple. I even convinced Derpy to make out with her because I thought it would be hot! But, but she didn’t trust me!” Another hit. “And that sucks!”
Turner licked his lips. This sounded like one of those romantic novels he liked to read sometimes. “Well, I think she didn’t take her night with Derpy -or whatever they shared; maybe they just made out- very seriously. I mean, no offense, but Octavia really gets around.”
“...Yeah.”
“Still, she takes her coltfriends seriously.” Turner shrugged. “Well, she has only had two of them, but she loved them a lot and was very loyal and stuff.”
“What a shame they were such a pair of assholes.”
“Yeah, it seems like you girls are horrible at picking mates,” Turner said. “Between this and Carrot... anyway, do you remember the relationships? Octavia didn’t do anything with them until they were a couple. She wanted the sex to be something special.”
“Of course, because sex is almost never special. It’s in fact a very mundane thing.”
“Hey, maybe for you or for me, but not for her.” Turner looked downstairs again. Eyup, the gray mare was still talking with the guards. “Let’s be honest: she’s the most sexual mare I’ve ever known. I think she usually sees sex as a way to have a good night and little else.”
“Hm.”
“But of course, there’s something more than the mere coitus.” The stallion shrugged. “Love, intimacy, that kind of stuff. Octavia takes sex seriously when it’s serious, and takes it as a simple enjoyable activity when it’s nothing but that. Simple.”
“So,” Vinyl said, “you’re telling me she thought her thing with Derpy wasn’t serious.”
“Yes.” Turner nodded. “But you are her best friend, so maybe she didn’t want you to think she saw you as a mere enjoyable activity. You are important to her.”
“I... see.”
“Have I helped?”
“Yes.” Vinyl sighed. “Thank you, Turner. I kinda needed something like this to clear my mind a little.” She chuckled. “Now you can go down there and have a good time with Lord Break-your-ass.”
“Okay, I see that you’re back to normal.” Turner looked at the sky. “I still need to wait for Octavia to leave the other one alo-”
“She’s already done that.”
“What?!” Turner looked downstairs again. Octavia had been there a couple seconds ago, was now gone. Turner could guess she was now lost in the middle of the huge garden that surrounded the house -although maybe ‘forest’ was a better term to describe it. The enormous guard was alone, looking somewhat pissed off. “Oh for crying out loud! How did you know?!”
“I told her she could go whenever she could, and hear her asking the guard if he wanted to go to the woods with her.”
“Perfect.” Turner sighed. “So I think it’s time for me to go there, right?”
“Nah. Wait two minutes. I know how stallions think, and I don’t believe that being gay really matters. You’re all a bunch of idiots.”
“Geez, thank you for the compliment.”
“So,” Vinyl continued as if she hadn’t hear Turner, “you just need to go down there and be polite to him. You don’t even need to ‘seduce’ him. Just be polite and cute and then suddenly ask him if he wants to go to the woods with you. Believe me, he’ll think you’ve been flirting with him all night.”
“But if I go down there like that, just to be polite, it will be obvious that I want something out of him!”
“Exactly,” Vinyl said. “He’ll think you want his dick. That’s the entire point of this plan, Turner.”
“Ugh.”
“Hey, no pain no gain.”
There was no party like a Blueblood party. Like, it was the most boring thing you could ever experience. Usually ponies thought that being a bachelor with such a... fame, Blueblood would be a wild animal once the moon raised. Loud music, beautiful mares, dancing, singing, alcohol -a party like you have never seen! The hangover would last for weeks!
But sadly, Blueblood was not only an idiot. He was a boring idiot. He liked quiet, calmed talks with nobleponies. He liked classical music. He liked to remain as classy as possible all the time. So his parties were like a cheap knock-off of the Grand Galloping Gala, only without the Princesses (they were too busy that time of the year -besides, it was common knowledge that they didn’t really like their nephew) and thus, absolutely zero good things.
But you couldn’t just present your excuses and spend the night in a bar or something funnier. Blueblood was royalty, after all. So for a lot of nobleponies, Blueblood’s birthday was just another opportunity to spend a whole night in a quiet room, talking about something more or less interesting with ponies you didn’t really like, trying to fight boredom.
The possibility of something interesting happening in a party hosted by Blueblood was so little nopony believed it even existed. So, when word spread about a seemingly psychopathic, always-smiling orange mare in the third floor, the news were welcomed like you would welcome a hot cup of tea and a blanket in the middle of a blizzard.
“So she just stands there and stares at the door?” asked Fleur de Lis, Fancy Pant’s beloved. It was unusual to see her without her fiancé, but the white stallion had called sick. Lucky for him -only very important ponies could insult Blueblood that way. “That’s everything she does?”
“Yes.” Star Gazer, a gray pony with a telescope cutie mark shook his head. “But, believe me, it’s more than you think. The way she stares is...” He shivered. “Unbelievable.”
“She stares into your soul,” added a pink mare named Royal Ribbon. She was, as always, wearing a saddle that covered her flank. She never took off that saddle. Rumors said she slept with that thing on. As a result, absolutely nopony knew what her cutie mark was -there were some bets about it, the most popular option being that she had a saddle as her cutie mark. The second most popular option was that her cutie mark was a saddle hidden by a saddle. Imagination wasn’t the forte of Canterlot nobility -it might had something to do with their tradition of marrying their own cousins. “Her pupils, gaze into... your soul, and read your... your soul!”
“Yes, exactly! You feel like, a shiver deep inside... almost as if...” Gazer’s voice became an ominous whisper. “Almost as if she could, I don’t know, stare into your soul.
“What a soulful mare,” said Fleur de Lis, rolling her eyes. Both Star Gazer and Royal Ribbon nodded, not aware of the sarcasm. Fleur didn’t like to think she was always surrounded by idiots, but for Luna’s mighty gonads, she was always surrounded by idiots.
And then a voice interrupted their talk. “She’s no good mare, I can tell!”
They were in the second floor of the mansion -which meant, of course, that they were in the dance hall of the second floor. Every floor of that mansion had a dance hall, which was as weird as can be, but Canterlot’s architecture was everything but normal. The dance hall was, of course, filled with ponies, as that was a party after all. And ponies liked to talk to each other. Yet, interrupting a conversation like that, without introducing yourself or at least waiting for the pony who’s talking to turn around and face you, was incredibly rude. Fleur frowned a little while turning around, annoyed by the fact that, seemingly, if she wasn’t with Fancy Pants the nobleponies just didn’t respect her.
And then she saw who was talking and sighed. But of course: Jet Set and Upper Crust. Two unicorns, both with a sweater and a shirt draped on their backs and knotted at the front of their necks. They were husband and wife, Fleur believed. Or just a couple. Or maybe friends? As far as she knew, they could even be siblings (which now that she thought about it, didn’t have to mean that they weren’t married. Canterlot’s traditions were weird after all). Hell, Fleur didn’t even know who was Jet Set and who was Upper Crust. For her, they were just one pony. Jet-Set-and-Upper-Crust.
“I can see in her eyes that she doesn’t know how to behave. Such smile. Where does she think she is? This is a place of proper ponies!”
They even had the same weird accent. Fleur was sure they faked it. Either that or they just didn’t know how to talk without biting their tongue. She was sure that, hadn’t she been looking at them, she couldn’t have tell who had talked. It’d been the mare. “Well, a smile can’t be so bad,” Fleur said in the most polite way possible. “Does anypony even know who she is? An orange mare...”
“Well, I think it’s Cheating Bastard’s beloved,” said the stallion half of Jet-Set-and-Upper-Crust. “I’m sure that when he arrives he’s going to suffer her stare too, or maybe he’ll go and talk with her.”
“What a horrible torture,” Fleur said. “I’m sure he will survive though.”
The ponies just looked at her, confused. Fleur sighed. That was the reason she didn’t like to talk. Usually she left Fancy Pants say as much as he pleased for both of them, and she just nodded and tried to look pretty. Not the most dignified of activities, but it was either do that or try to talk with nobleponies. She found more enjoyable the act of hitting her head against a wall multiple times. “I mean, it’s not like two eyes can be a weapon. Nopony has slayed a dragon with a stare.”
“Well, of course,” said Star Gazer. “But you haven’t seen her, Madame De Lis. She’s just... it feels like she’s-”
“Staring into your soul?”
“Exactly!”
Fleur sighed. The night was going to be a long one.
***
Vinyl assured Turner that he shouldn’t worry about how to seduce the gay guard. She was the same as always, so she teased him as much as she could, but the mare was also grateful for Turner’s help, so she gave him some advice.
“Just talk to him like normal and try to make him laugh,” she had said. “And make sure he gets you’re interested in him. It shouldn’t be so hard, because you’re obviously walking down there to talk with him, and his friend just got lucky with Tavi, so it shouldn’t be too hard for him to add two plus two.”
“Uh-uh.” Turner felt his voice trembling. “I-if you say so.”
“Don’t be so nervous, I’m sure nothing’s gonna happen. Maybe you’ll make out a little, and that’s it.”
“Yeah sure.” Turner gulped. “That definitely makes me more comfortable, Vinyl. Are you sure you don’t want to keep talking about Octavia? I mean, she’s right now doing who-knows-what with the other guard in the woods, so maybe you...”
“Turner, stop being a little whiner and go downstairs.”
And so, Time Turner gulped again, kicked the ground to show his frustration, took a deep breath and walked downstairs, trying to look confident. He was sweating, but that shouldn’t be too bad -a sweating mare could be very sexy, so maybe a sweating stallion was more or less the same.
What followed was one of those few scenes that made you feel sad because no poet was near enough to hear them and compose a beautiful aria about it. The way the stars dance in the sky was nothing compared to the grace and class of that scene.
Turner tried to look casual yet seducing. Octavia always acted that way, and he was sure he could do it. His friend wiggled her hips in a certain way while walking and looked straight into your eyes -the result was amazing, as you always felt like she was flirting with you even when she was just asking what time it was. He tried to do that, an insecure smile in her face instead of the cocky grin Octavia liked so much. Then he started humming, adding some points to his ‘casual’ look.
He tripped.
Luckily for him, he didn’t roll all the way down -he just fell. Once his face met the floor he left out a cry of pain that was certainly not sexy enough for the act, so he immediately tried to turn it into a sensual moaning, like the ones Octavia did when she said her front legs hurt after playing her cello for hours.
The result was something among the lines of “AUCHhggmmmmmmmmmmnnnnh~?”
Then he tried to stand up in a classy way, again imitating Octavia. She always did it slowly, with her head facing the ground just a little longer than it should, so she could raise her face and make her mane float in the wind right in time to look you straight into your eyes.
He was nervous, so he tried to hum again, got up too fast, hurt his neck while trying to float his nonexistent long mane and then tripped again.
This time he couldn’t get his balance so he fell downstairs.
And rolled all the way down till he ended up at the guard’s hooves.
While moaning and humming sensually all the time.
Meanwhile, the guard, who was named Oregon Tail and had a steady boyfriend waiting for him back in his house, wondered what the hell was wrong with that pony who moved like a puppet without strings. Then he rolled down to his hooves while yelling some kind of yodel song and stood there, sweating and breathing heavily.
Turner then got up. He stopped moaning because something inside his mind told him that it was a little too ridiculous to work, and tried to do again that thing with the neck Octavia always did. And then he looked straight into the guard’s eyes.
Except for the fact that he had hurt his neck like ten seconds ago, so his neck made a cracking sound and he yelped again in pain. This time he didn’t moan: he just gasped and yelped a little. Then some sweat drops fell into his eyes. It hurt, and he was using his hoof to rub his neck, so he tried to blink to ease the pain. As a result, his eyes filled with tears.
Then he realized he hadn’t even introduced himself, so he tried to fix that mistake as soon as possible. “HELLO! HOW’S BEEN THE NIGHT?!” he screamed.
Meanwhile, Oregon Tail wondered what the hell was happening and why was the stallion in front of him dancing and being angrily polite to him. Maybe he had some kind of mental problem.
Turner realized that he had talked way louder than expected, so he cleared his throat with a cough, wiped out the tears in his eyes and mentally slapped himself. Focus, Turner! he thought. What had Vinyl said? ‘Try to make him laugh’. It couldn’t be so difficult.
“So, uh.” He gulped. His mind was blank. All his life telling jokes, and the moment he needed one, he had nothing. “Uh... my neck hurts.”
He stared at the guard, who said nothing. In fact, the hulky pony was looking at him in a very weird way. So Turner tried again. “Uh, one of my greatest hits, right?”
Meanwhile, Oregon Tail thought that, yes, that stallion had some kind of mental problem. “You okay, buddy?” he said, using his most polite tone. “That sure was a good fall. You bad hurt?”
“Uh, only in my pride.” Turner tried a weak smile. Well, the laughing part hadn’t worked. Vinyl had also said something about paying attention, so he tried to look right into the guard’s eyes. But it was very hard, so he decided to look into the space between the guard’s eyes, hoping that he wouldn’t notice. Then he noticed his tears were still there and he hadn’t wiped them, so he did.
Something happened behind the door. Turner could hear what sounded like an... explosion? And some screams. Alarms went wild in his head -what in the name of Luna were those ponies doing? The guard frowned and looked in the mansion’s direction. The noises hadn’t been very loud, so not everything was lost. Turner believed he could still call the guard’s attention and make him forget everything else.
So he cleared his throat with a cough to make him look in his direction, stared at the space between the guard’s eyes again and put on his best sexy smile. You need to be funny, Turner, he thought. Pay attention and be funny. “And, uh, why did the chicken cross the road?”
Silence.
“T-to get to the other side!” His sexy smile faded when he realized what was he saying. “And, um, the joke is that there’s a double meaning, you see? Because the chicken crosses the road to get to the other side, but ‘the other side’ can be seen as ‘the other side of life’, like in ‘the Afterlife’, because the chicken is committing suicide by crossing the road and...”
His words died in his mouth. Fuck, that had been horrible, but at least now the pony was looking at him and not at the door. Desperate, Turner wiggled his hips a little just to add something to the whole image.
Meanwhile, Oregon Tail had been convinced the brown stallion had escaped from a mental institution. For sure the best thing for him would be to go back there before he hurt himself. Sadly, Steel Bar had been stupid enough to go to the woods with that mare Octavia, and he couldn’t just leave the door alone. Of course, nopony was going to break into Blueblood’s party, but it was his job. And those explosions were weird. Maybe he should go investigate...
Then he saw the stallion was, judging by the way he wiggled his butt and crossing his legs, holding his urge to pee.
“Okay, here is where I draw the line,” Oregon said. “Come with me buddy, I’ll get you to a better place in no time.”
The other stallion froze. Oregon frowned. Had he scared the poor guy? The last thing he wanted to deal with was with some terrified pony hurting himself. “Hey, don’t worry,” Oregon said. “I’ll be gentle with you, okay? I won’t hurt you at all.”
And then the other stallion started to scream and ran into the woods.
Oregon facehoofed. “Oh for fuck’s sake. You!” he yelled, running after the pony. “You, come here! You shouldn’t be alone here! I can take you to a more comfortable place, don’t be scared of me! I’m one of the good guys!”
***
Bon Bon, Lyra and Derpy had been playing tic-tac-toe for what seemed hours when Vinyl’s voice finally came through the communicator. “Girls, do it now! The guard is distracted!”
“Ah?” Derpy raised her head, a huge grin in her face. “Is he seducing the guard already?”
Silence.
“Eh, he’s trying,” said the DJ. “It doesn’t matter, you gotta be fast!”
Derpy frowned at those words, but said nothing. By her side, Lyra and Bon Bon got up and prepared the drugs.
The plan was easy. Bon Bon took the sack with the biggest amount of mixed herbs and tossed it in the front garden, Derpy hold a smallest part with her hooves and tossed it in the second floor and Lyra used her levitation spell to put the drugs into the first floor. There were a lot of drugs, so they were sure the effects would be seen in no time.
Once each one of them was holding her part, Lyra closed her eyes, her horn glittered and a little spark appeared in the center of each one. Without saying a word, Bon Bon ran to the front door with the sack in her mouth, and Derpy flied as fast as possible to the open window she had seen before.
The reason why they were running was simple: knowing that you’re holding enough drugs to stone an entire party wasn’t exactly a comfortably thought. Unconsciously, the three of them saw the herbs as a bomb, something they had to throw away soon.
And, who would have guessed, they were right.
If Vinyl or Turner had been more interested in the drug world they would have known that some ponies had indeed tried to smoke FTS before. But the leaves were sniffed because that plant had an unusual way to deal with extreme heat. For some reason, evolution had decided that the FTS had to produce an orange liquid when in contact with the fire.
An orange liquid that was highly flammable, that’s it. Evolution can be a bitch sometimes.
And of course, it’s easy not to breathe the smoke that a pile of burning herbs you’re holding makes when the fire is starting. But if the herbs suddenly explode, it’s a little more difficult to do so. Bon Bon’s sack was so filled with FTS that the thing exploded too soon for her to throw it away –but luckily for her, the sack did a very good job on holding the smoke, so she could throw the thing before breathing anything, although it scared the shit out of her.
The thing exploded again in mid air.
Lyra’s bit was a little smaller, so it didn’t explode until she was already throwing it through the window. She was also lucky enough to avoid getting any smoke on her lungs.
But Derpy had no sack or magic to hold the drugs –she was carrying them on her hooves, which incidentally happened to be right under her nose, because that’s where hooves usually are. The thing exploded right in her face, and she certainly took a deep breath. How exactly did she manage to throw that thing inside the mansion through the window when it had already exploded would remain as a mystery for the ages. Once that thing got in, it exploded a second time.
And a third time.
And then once more because why not.
In less than fifteen seconds, the front garden and the first two floors were completely filled with a white and dense smoke, because an explosive drug does a marvelous job at delivering smoke to every single corner of the room.
And, as the smoke was a mix between five different drugs plus one flammable plant, everypony was stoned out of his mind in less than twenty seconds. Soon every noble wondered why were they screaming and looking at their hooves, marveled at the fact that they were so huge. A couple stallions suddenly realized they were hungry. A mare decided that kissing with her sister-in-law was suddenly a good idea.
Meanwhile, a good-looking white stallion named Cheating Bastard arrived at the main door, wondering why there was no guard and what was that weird white smoke in the mansion.
***
Carrot’s smirk faded for the first time in the whole night, and all the ponies in the floor relaxed visibly. The fact that they were happy to see that smirk replaced by a bunch of random explosions said a lot about Carrot’s face.
Of course, a couple seconds later the nobleponies realized that a bunch of random explosions, even being better than the psychopathic smile, were in fact not a good thing. There were a couple screams too, but they soon stopped, as well as the explosions.
The nobleponies didn’t know what to do. They just stood there, unsure. Was something dangerous down their hooves? Had something bad happened? Nopony in that room screamed, and that was a good thing, right? But what to do?
Then Carrot took the lead and went to the stairs. Because she wasn’t a stupid pony, so she knew that, somehow, the explosions had something to do with her. Or with her friends. Yeah, that sounded way more probable. It’s not like the gang used to blow up stuff, but if something weird happened around her you could bet your right hoof that Derpy and friends would have something to do with it. What were they doing in the party, she didn’t know.
Of course, when you hear something exploding in the building you’re in, running to the main source of the explosions just to be sure what is happening is not the best choice you could make. One could say it was a stupid decision, but Carrot Top wasn’t a stupid pony: she was just a little hot-headed. Once she went downstairs she had exactly four seconds of wondering what was the deal with that white smoke before being too high to actually care.
And the nobleponies followed her without thinking, because, after all, that’s what nobleponies do all the time. They follow the lead, go with the new trend without thinking too much about what’s happening. And if the new trend was entering that place with so much smoke looking for explosions, well. No pain, no gain, they say.
And of course, they got stoned too. Not as much because of the smoke as for the social pressure. When every important pony in the party -be it Fleur de Lis, be it Royal Ribbon, be it Blueblood himself- is stoned out of his mind, you just can’t afford not being hopped-up if you still want to be a part of high society.
Carrot Top realized this when she turned around and saw that thirty nobleponies were looking at her with goofy, bloodshot eyes. The thought came wild and powerful. Those ponies would do whatever she wanted them to do. She was their leader now.
“Yes,” mumbled Carrot, fighting against the sleepiness with a wild smile. “This is going to be funny!”
***
When you were lost in the middle of the woods that surrounded Blueblood’s place, you wouldn't believe you were in the biggest city in all of Equestria. Perhaps it was because after all the Prince was, well, a Prince, or perhaps it was because Canterlot’s architecture was as weird as a centipede in rollerblades, but Octavia thought the place where she was right now felt just like the forest near the village where she had been raised. She felt one with nature once again, and that was odd.
She would have said something about it, but her lips were busy pressing against Steel Bar’s. The guard seemed extremely happy right then, and being honest, Octavia also felt optimistic. They had been kissing for long minutes by now, and it was clear that he wanted something more -but of course, Octavia wasn’t going to sleep with him just like that. Not in the woods, at least. They weren’t wild animals.
She had her eyes closed, her mind lost in the kiss, when suddenly...
“Um, Tavi? You there?” Vinyl’s voice came through the communicator, startling her. Octavia moaned as an answer (not that she could do anything else). “Oh, yeah, and I see you’re busy. Eh, nevermind I’ll just...”
There was something off in the way Vinyl had said those words. Octavia rolled her eyes, and would have sighed if she hadn’t been so busy kissing Steel Bar. With a groan, she broke the kiss and looked into the stallion’s eyes. “Hey,” she said, softly. “Wait a minute there, darling.”
“Uh?”
“You’re talking to me?” Vinyl asked. “Wait, no, you’re with the guard. Anyway, uh, I see you’re doing good, so...”
“Steel...?” She put her hooves behind his neck and hugged him in the sexiest way possible. Slowly, she muzzled his ear, his face lost in Octavia’s mane.
“Hmmmm?”
“Catch me,” she whispered.
And then she broke the hug and trotted away surprisingly fast (because, as everypony knew, trotting fast is sexier than running) while giggling in a girly fashion. Giggling in such a way without sounding stupid was an art on its own, and Octavia was the best at it. Steel Bar stood there, dumbfounded, for a couple seconds, and then he chuckled and ran after her.
Octavia had discovered long ago the secret that lived inside every stallion’s heart. They were both extremely stupid and extremely romantic. In fact, she had the theory that they were so stupid because they were so romantic, and they were so romantic only because they were too stupid not to be so. Of course, they also were too idiotic to actually realize they were dreamers, so they didn’t even realize they were romantic. It was like a perfect circle of idiocy and cheesy pickup lines.
Of course, there were some exceptions to the rule. There were some that had absolutely zero poetry deep inside, but Octavia didn’t get near those ponies. They were the kind of stallions that saw mares as little more than a way to pass a good few minutes before throwing them away. Few things were as dangerous as an imbecile who’s not a dreamer.
Steel Bar wasn’t one of those ponies. He had tasted the sweetness in Octavia’s lips, and now she was running in front of him, light as a feather, fast as gazelle, dancing between the trees. Her mane and tail floated in the wind, her laughter was fresh as a river in summer and sometimes she looked back and winked at her.
Even though he didn’t know it, Steel Bar was seeing Octavia as a fairy, an illusion, a spirit. A force of nature. Something to behold and run after, something to laugh with, to love, to protect. He chased her for the pure pleasure of chasing, forgetting everything that surrounded him.
Steel Bar was, long story short, an idiot. Just like every stallion in existence, thought Octavia.
Between fresh-like-a-river-in-summer laughter and teasing-yet-loving wink, she answered Vinyl. It wasn’t as difficult as it sounded, mostly because Octavia had played the fairy/gazelle/whatever role endless times -Steel Bar wasn’t the first pony falling for this, and he surely wouldn’t be the last. “Vinyl, I can talk now. What’s happening?”
“What the...?” The DJ’s voice sounded confused. “Are you running? Tavi, you’re supposed to distract the guard! You can’t just...!”
“He’s after me, it’s all part of the plan. And I’m not running, that’s unsexy.” She turned around and wiggled her tail a little. Steel Bar was very close to her, but you just didn’t catch a pony that had been raised in the woods like that. She zigzagged between the trees, and soon the guard was pretty far away. “Also, believe me, this stallion is easier to play than my cello.”
“Oh.”
“What’s happening, Vinyl? You’ve been acting weird lately,” Octavia said. “This is the second time you interrupt me, and you sound weird.”
“Gee, thanks.”
“Like, you sound actually worried about something.” Octavia turned around. Good, Steel Bar was still a few meters behind. “You’re too stupid to be worried about something that’s not hugely important.”
“We could talk about this later, it’s not so...”
“You were the one interrupting me when I couldn’t talk, so I would take that sentence as the idiocy it is.” Octavia rolled her eyes. “Look, you obviously want to tell me something right now, so just say it.”
“Um. Well, I... I...” she gulped “I talked with Derpy, you see?”
“And?”
An awkward pause. When Vinyl talked again, she sounded like smiling, but there was something odd in that voice. “Oh, nothing, she just told me you two had a little divertimento together, and I was actually surprised! Heh, who would have guessed? Although, I guess I can’t blame you. Derpy is pretty cute.”
Octavia’s eyes opened wide. A cold feeling appeared in her chest, and she could feel her smile fading. A quick look behind her revealed that Steel was approaching her again. She bit her lip.
She really didn’t want to be running while having that conversation. In fact, she didn’t want to have that conversation, period. But There was no way to avoid it now. “Vinyl, I can...”
“Oh, don’t worry, it’s not like I’m angry or something.” Vinyl laughed. “It’s just that, well, you know. I think I can understand your train of thoughts...”
Definitely, no way to avoid the conversation now that it was heading that particular path. Octavia gulped and felt the nervousness become almost solid in her stomach. “Hold on,” she whispered, “I need to hide.”
“Hide?”
“Hide.”
And so she did. There’s this particular understanding of how the woods work you get when you’re raised in them, and Octavia sure had spent entire days in forests. Besides, it was dark and her entire body was grey -hiding in plain sight was not easy, it was foal’s play. A simple turn, a little effort in her legs and next thing Steel Bar knew, he was completely alone in the forest. Octavia, hunkering down behind a bush, could see him stopping and looking for her, still dumbfounded. Celestia, stallions were idiots sometimes.
Octavia sighed. “Vinyl,” she said, “I can explain, really. I didn’t do anything with Derpy, okay? It was just fooling around, I promise it’s not anything worth mentioning.” She bit her lip. Damn, that had sounded badly. “I mean, it’s not like I go with mares all the time, okay? It’s more like, uh, I...”
“You were just afraid of ponies saying you, well, saying that you are a slut or something,” interrupted Vinyl. “And don’t worry, I can totally accept that! Like, I can see why didn’t you tell me and instead went to Derpy.”
***
Vinyl had disconnected every conversation but the one she was having with Octavia. She was grinning, or at least trying to. The DJ could feel a heavy weight in her stomach, and she guessed it meant she was nervous or something. But, what to say? She was horrible with words, yet desperately wanted to have this conversation.
Damn it, dealing with friends was hard.
“Well, no, I can’t understand why did you go to Derpy. I mean, I didn’t know she liked mares.” Vinyl gulped. “Although, who doesn’t right?”
“Vinyl...”
“But, you know.” The DJ bit her lip and looked at the ground. She felt something that resembled pain in her voice. “You should’ve talked with me.”
“Vinyl, it’s complicated, okay? I just...”
“Oh, I know what happened!” Vinyl forced a laugh. “It’s just that you didn’t want to take it seriously, right? Like, just fooling around.” She felt a bitter taste in her mouth. “Like always.”
Silence fell between them for a couple seconds. When Octavia talked, she had a sharp tone. “Would you mind repeating that, Vinyl?”
“Anyway,” she said, ignoring her friend, “it’s not like I would have taken anything seriously. I mean, I would’ve liked you to actually told me that you fancied mares too, and I, eh, would...” She shook her head. “I don’t know, we could have ended the night doing what you did to Derpy because, well, we’re talking about you here, and I swear it would have meant absolutely nothing for me, okay? That’s what... that’s all I wanted to say.”
Silence again. And then, Vinyl thought of what she had actually said.
“Aw shit, Tavi, I meant that...!”
“Vinyl,” interrupted Octavia, “fuck you.”
And then a weird noise came from the communicator and the signal died.
***
The white smoke was pretty dense, so inside the house every room felt like a swamp in a horror film. In the garden, on the other hoof, you could see everything. And “everything” meant mostly stoned nobleponies, statues, tables with food and two ponies looking at the show that had unfolded in front of them from the woods, out of reach from the smoke. They had inhaled a little, so they felt a little dizzy, but not dizzy enough to be really stoned.
Bon Bon wasn’t really sure about what to think of their plan. On the one hoof, it had worked. On the other hoof, it had worked a little too well and she had the feeling that it wasn’t as good as it sounded. The explosive sack had been fucking scary, and now the nobles were… well.
“So… Did you know this was going to happen?” Lyra asked absent-mindedly while staring at two stallions that were bumping into each other head-first. “Because holy shit, I think that it’d been less than two minutes and this is already a crazy party.”
Bon Bon shrugged. “Yeah, of course I knew. You see, I’m a specialist on-”
“Yeah so this is pretty weird. I don’t really know what to do right now.” Lyra tapped her communicator. “Yo Derpy. You there?”
“You don’t know what to do right now.” Bon Bon looked at her. “You’re implying that usually you do know what you’re doing? Don’t make me laugh.”
Derpy didn’t answer.
“Vinyl? Turner?”
No answer either.
“Ok, so we’re alone.” Bon Bon looked at the mansion again. The two stallions were lying on the ground. Almost everypony was just sitting and laughing and doing something silly. It would have been boring if it hadn’t been for the fact that they were nobleponies. Like, Bon Bon could see their fancy dresses and stuff, and it was just bizarre. Seeing a dude who obviously was a duke or something licking the ground was not a thing you’d see every day. “And that’s a very bad thing. I say we should go in there head-first and breathe as much smoke as possible while doing something idiotic and completely forgetting that our main goal is to rescue Carrot Top. Also we can end up hurting some noble while we’re at it. Like, kicking somepony through a window or something. I’m sure that would be a good plan.”
Lyra looked at her. “And now you’re trying to out-sarcasm me even though I didn’t say a word?”
“You obviously want to go in there and do something stupid.”
“You’re insulting me again. I don’t know if you remember what happened last time you did so.”
“Yeah.” Bon Bon raised an eyebrow at her. “You kicked me and then came after me like a lost puppy because I wasn’t talking. What a cute fucking psychopath are you. Want a cookie?”
“You really want trouble, don’t you?”
“Go to hell.” Bon Bon sighed and looked at the garden. She wanted to go home as soon as possible, but the night had been incredibly long already and she had the feeling that it was going to be a while until the end. “This sucks.”
“What was exactly the plan, once again?”
“We drug them, and once they’re stoned we go in there and rescue Carrot Top.”
“A-ha.” Lyra nodded. “But we can’t go in there.”
“No, because we would get stoned too. And that’s such a good thing that I think you should go first and I can look at you from here and throw a rock at you or something while you’re defenseless. I bet that would be funny.” Bon Bon frowned. “So we’re stuck here watching this assholes laugh their asses off. This could only get better if Vinyl started screaming at us again.”
“You really didn’t think this out very well.” Lyra looked at her side and her horn started to glow. Bon Bon looked at her while she levitated a rock. “You’re an idiot.”
“What are you doing?”
“Trying your plan B.”
“I don’t have any plan B.”
Lyra smirked with that smirk of hers that make water turn into ice. It was her warmer smile, Bon Bon thought. “Watch me,” the unicorn said.
And then she threw that rock. The earth pony yelped in surprise as she saw that thing flying through the garden and hitting the earth-licking stallion right in the forehead. He fell to the ground at the impact, and then started yelling like a madpony while caressing his forehead, still on the ground.
“Woah.” Lyra blinked. “He’s freaking out.”
“You threw a rock at him!”
“Yeah well it was your idea.” Lyra levitated another rock and threw it again, this time hitting a mare. She also started screaming. Some of the ponies that were close to her looked at her with bewildered faces. “She’s also freaking out,” Lyra said.
“No shit, really?” Bon Bon rolled her eyes. “I hadn’t noticed. I thought that screaming like that was normal, y’see. I’m pretty sure that the drugs have absolutely nothing to do with it.” While she talked, Lyra levitated a new rock and threw it again. A third pony started screaming. However, the majority of the ponies in the garden didn’t seem to notice. “Also you can stop now.”
“Why?” Lyra looked at her, still smirking. “It’s funny. They don’t even move! Look at them; they’re so busy looking at their own hooves that they hadn’t noticed I’m throwing shit at them!”
“Uh-huh.” Bon Bon nodded. “So you’re going to keep doing this.”
Another rock went flying, and a new noblepony started screaming. “Eyup. Until I get tired.”
“That’s so incredibly smart and useful that I’m actually impressed.” Bon Bon looked at the screaming ponies. “Also, I love how they don’t move at all when somepony right beside them gets hit. I wonder what would happen if a giant rock fell on them.” She chuckled. “I bet they wouldn’t even flinch.”
“You think?”
“No, I don’t think so. That’s the reason why I was saying that, you see. I like to say things that I don’t mean at a-what are you doing?” Bon Bon huffed at her companion. Lyra’s eyes were gleaming, and she was looking at something in front of them. Bon Bon turned around. “Oh,” she said. “Isn’t that pony Cheating Bastard? Carrot’s ex-coltfriend?”
“Who the hell cares?” Lyra smirked so hard Bon Bon could see her teeth. The earth pony was amazed at the fact that Lyra had no fangs. With such a personality, it was the only thing you would’ve expected. “I’m looking at that.”
Bon Bon turned around again, this time looking at what Lyra was pointing. The Pholotodolphin statue. She blinked. “I said ‘a giant rock’, not ‘a statue’. Also, don’t do that, you can seriously hurt somepony.”
“You said they wouldn’t even flinch; I think they will scream,” said Lyra. Her horn started to glow. “Wanna make a bet?”
***
“Turner, I’ve fucked up! I think Tavi and me have a misunderstanding at the moment, and-!”
“I’M A LITTLE BUSY AT THE MOMENT, VINYL!”
“Oh, come on, I’m sure you can give me a couple minutes at least!”
“I’M RUNNING FOR MY LIFE HERE!”
“So was Tavi, and she talked with me!”
“WELL I’M SORRY I AM NOT OCTAVIA, BUT I HAVE A HORNY GUARD RIGHT BEHIND ME AND HE DESPERATELY WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH ME AND I REALLY DON’T WANNA SO I CAN’T TALK TO YOU!”
“She was exactly in the same situation!”
Silence.
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
“Wow. What were the odds? Anyway, as I said I’m kinDA BUSY AT THE MOMENT!”
“Come on, you’re exaggerating!”
But, surprisingly, he was not. Turner was everything but a liar; that was one of his few good traits.
His situation was... complicated, to say the least. Extremely disturbing, to say the most, and a complete hell for Turner to say the truth. As Canterlot’s architecture was everything but normal, Turner was running in what seemed a very big forest, as dark as could be, and the hulky guard was right behind him, yelling. What was he yelling, Turner didn’t know and didn’t really want to know.
He was completely concentrated in the race, or rather he had been until Vinyl had started talking. “Look,” she said, “I’ll be fast. I think it’s been my wording, I was a little nervous and what I wanted to say didn’t come out as expected. You see...”
“VINYL FOR THE LOVE OF LUNA, I’M TELLING YOU I’M IN NO SHAPE TO HELP YOU WITH YOUR ROMANTIC PROBLEMS RIGHT NOW! I’M THE ONE IN NEED OF HELP, IN FACT!”
“Buddy, stop listening to those voices!” The voice of the guard came from behind Turner, and it was way closer than he had imagined it would be. “They are not real, okay?! Just come with me, I’ll take you to a more comfortable place!”
“YEAH THAT’S NOT EXACTLY WHAT I’M LOOKING FORWARD TOO, THANK YOU!”
“Nonsense, you just don’t know what’s good for you!”
Turner would have laughed if he wasn’t so incredibly terrorized. “AND I GUESS YOU DO, RIGHT?!”
“Just help me help you, buddy! I know I look rough, but I won’t hurt you at all!”
Turner had thought he couldn’t run faster. Turns out he had been wrong -after hearing those words, the trees seemed to fly by.
“You see,” Vinyl continued, ignoring absolutely everything, “I just wanted to say that she could have fooled around with me and I wouldn’t have taken it badly, you know? But I kinda fucked up, and now she’s angry at me and...”
“WHY ARE YOU EVEN TELLING ME THIS?!”
“For crying out loud, because I want to help you!” screamed the guard. “Just stop running!”
“I’M NOT TALKING TO YOU!”
“Mostly because you’re like the go-to guy for this kind of things I guess,” said Vinyl. “I mean, it’s you or Derpy, because I’m not talking with Lyra about this. She would propose kidnapping Tavi and torturing her until she listens to me or something like that. And you know, when she says things like that I don’t even know if she’s joking.”
“VINYL, I SWEAR TO-!”
He never swore anything to anypony, because Turner’s legs suddenly chose that exact moment to remind him why was he so concentrated in the race a couple seconds ago. Mostly, it was because running through a forest was difficult per se, but running through a forest at night was almost impossible unless you had been conveniently raised in the woods.
Turner was the kind of pony who thought a root was only a mathematical operation. He had once seen a real forest in a picture, That was his most powerful bond with nature.
So his legs got stuck on something he never saw, and next thing he knew the entire world was turning around for some reason, the sky was under him and the ground was above his head...
...and then he hit a tree with his forehead, suddenly stopping his race and making him see little stars and sparkles everywhere. Turner then found that he was lying on the ground and was completely unable to get up by himself.
The guard stopped and almost tripped too, and looked at him with a neutral face. “Finally. See? You’ve hurt yourself.” He sighed. “Just come with me, and we’ll-”
“YOU’LL DO NOTHING TO HIM!”
Both Turner and the guard looked above, dumbfounded. Turner couldn’t believe her eyes. Flying just above them was Derpy Hooves in all her glory, his face gleaming with a confident smile, looking at him with eyes that said ‘you are safe now’. Turner felt a single tear run down his cheek. He was saved! Derpy could help him somehow! The mare could take him and fly away, and they would be out of reach from that enormous pony who wanted to hump him!
“D-Derpy?” he asked, his voice trembling both because of the happiness and because the back of his neck really hurt. “I-Is that you?”
“Derpy?” Vinyl asked. “Is Derpy there? Hold on, I’ll turn on her communicator too.”
“YOU CAN BET I AM DERPY!” the pegasus yelled, a hoof waving in the air. “AND YOU, GUARD,” she said, turning to the guard, “LET ME TE-!”
Tunk!
She turned around so fast, she hit the tree with her face.
Then she fell to the ground like a dead dove.
Tunk.
And she stayed like that.
Both Turner and the guard stared at her for a couple seconds. Derpy didn’t move.
“Uh. What was that?” asked Vinyl.
“...Derpy got hit by a tree.”
They waited a few more seconds.
Derpy didn’t move.
“Um, Derpy? Can you hear me?” asked Vinyl. “Derpy?”
A full minute.
The grey mare was like a statue.
“What... the... fuck was that?” asked the guard. “I mean, what? Do you know her or something?”
“Uh.” Turner gulped. “Kinda?”
The guard turned at Time Turner and then to Derpy again. “Um, miss? Are you okay?”
No answer.
Another minute of silence.
“Am I the only one who’s starting to freak out?” asked Vinyl.
“You should poke her with a stick,” pointed Turner to the guard. “Or something. I’m starting to get worried.”
“I’ve heard that if you poke her eye and she doesn’t move, then she’s dead,” added Vinyl.
The hulky stallion nodded and approached Derpy, not really knowing what to do. “Um, miss? Are you ok-?”
“OF COURSE I’M OKAY!”
Both Turner and Vinyl and the guard yelped at the sudden yell. Derpy got up with a jump and faced the guard with a dangerous grin in her face. “You thought such a LITTLE THING could get me DOWN?!”
“Um, Derpy?” Turner coughed. “Eh, are you sure you’re...?”
“Sssssshut up, Doc,” she said, her voice sweet as sugar. “And you, guard,” she said then, using a tone so deep it didn’t sound like a mare (or anything from this world, now that we’re at it), “better get the fuck out of here if you don’t want trouble. You hear me, punk?”
Silence.
“Whaaat the fuck?”
“Listen here, you pussy!” She flapped her wings so her face would be in line with the guard’s. Then she turned her body so the guard could see her cutie mark and pointed at it. “Can you see what I have HERE?!”
Silence again. The guard blinked.
“...Bubbles?”
“That’s it!” the mare hissed. “Motherfucking bubbles. And do you know what does that MEAN?!”
“Okay, this is official, she’s lost it.” Vinyl sighed. “Well it was beautiful while it lasted.”
The guard said nothing.
“I ASKED YOU A QUESTION!”
“That you’re good at scuba diving?” asked Turner, wanting to be useful.
“That you’re a bubblehead?” said Vinyl.
“You don’t need to answer, Turner, sweetiee.” Derpy said, again in that sweet voice. “I asked this stallion. You sit there and be quiet, ok?”
“Oh. Em. Ok I guess?”
“So.” Derpy smirked and pointed at the cutie mark. Her voice was again something that seemed more a hellhound than a pony, and her eyes were locked with the guard’s. “What do you THINK ABOUT THIS, HUH??!”
The guard squinted his eyes. “That... you’re... good at scuba diving?”
“Wrong, you little shit,” answered Derpy. “It means that I can motherfucking kill you if I want, without any kind of trouble! You wanna try me, or you’re gonna run away like the PUSSY YOU ARE?!”
The guard just stood there, staring at Derpy with squinted eyes. “...I’m afraid I fail to see the connection between bubbles and killing.” He sniffed. “Also, you smell like weed. Miss, have you been taking drugs?”
“You fail to see the connection?!” Derpy barked. It was not a laugh, not a scream -it was an actual bark. “HAH! HAVE YOU EVER GOT A TRAIN OF BUBBLES INSIDE YOUR VEINS?! HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED HOW DOES IT FEEL GETTING YOUR HEAD INSIDE A VACUUM BUBBLE?! HAVE YOU EVER HEARD THE LITTLE PLOPS OF THE LAST BUBBLE OF OXYGEN EXPLODING INSIDE YOUR LUNGS?!”
Silence again.
“I’m... not really sure bubbles can form a train.”
“Sweetie, I’m talking to this stallion, please don’t say a word.” She turned to Turner and smiled, her eyes closed in a somewhat happy face. “You are hurt anyway, and we don’t want you to get worse, right?”
Turner gulped. “Uh, no, I guess we don’t.”
“Perfect.” And back with the guard she was. “So, as I said, you better watch your back or I’ll fucking kill you. Got it?”
The guard facehoofed. “Okay, they don’t pay me enough for this. Taking care of the retarded one,” he looked at Turner, “is one thing, but being actually threatened to be... bubbled to death is just too much. Screw this shit, I’m going home.”
And without saying a single more word, the guard turned around and disappeared into the woods.
***
BOOM!
“Well you broke that table right now, so we can add ‘property damage’ to the endless list of crimes you’ve committed already, I hope you’re happy now. I certainly am, mind you. This is, like, the best night ever. I surely don’t think this is the most stupid thing I’ve done in a long time, which is something pretty huge to say, giving the fact that I live with you. Also, right now you’re clearly committing a crime against royalty and nobility and common sense in general, but that’s perfectly fine. I mean, what’s the worst thing that could happen to you after this? A life in prison? Banishment? Be banished and then be thrown in jail in the place you’ve already been banished? I know it sounds stupid, but Celestia did so with her sister, and you know the royal kind. They’re nuts. And you should know quite a lot about ponies who are fucking nuts. You know, being one of them and stuff.”
BOOM!
“Oh, well, there it goes that dude’s leg. Now he’s screaming for different reasons. There, are you happy? You just broke a stallion’s leg. That’s been just mean, but you don’t fucking care, so whatever. Have a good time, I’m sure that’s the correct thing to do. Eyup. Do not worry about the rest of ponykind as you usually do and be a little selfish; keep doing this shit until you’re tired. Hey, that one mare isn’t crying yet, you should definitely do something about it.”
“Oh, okay.” BOOM! “There, now she doesn’t have a leg either. She and the other stallion can be leggy buddies now.”
“I was being sarcastic, you fucking psycho.”
“You are always sarcastic, but I prefer to ignore that fact. You’re funnier if I interpret your words my way.”
BOOM!
“How can you even do that? That fucking statue is huge; I’m sure that weighs a ton or something. Levitating it should be impossible.”
“It’s the strength of my willpower.”
“That doesn’t make sense.”
“Yet I am levitating the statue so it might make some sense after all. Suck it, Bon Bon.”
BOOM!
“Seriously, I know they’re stoned, but this is getting stupid. Why aren’t they running away?”
“Well, they’re trying.”
“They’re running in circles. Well, except for the leggy buddies, those are just crying.”
“That’s why I said they were trying.” BOOM! “Now the leggy buddies are a leggy trio.”
“Seriously, you deserve jail. I hate you so much right now.”
“This statue sure is resistant. I have slammed it like thirteen times and it’s still perfectly fine.”
BOOM!
“See?”
“Amazing. Words fail me to describe how impressed I am right now. Also I have been this close to tell you to be careful because you’re kinda moving the smoke toward us with your slamming, but then I realized you’re fucking slamming a giant statue of a dolphin fucking a pony to the ground and that asking you to be careful would be a pretty fucking oxymoron on my part so why the shit should I bother. Also is it me or there are more ponies in the garden now?”
BOOM! BOOM!
“Hey, look, if I slam it twice very fast it says your name!”
BOOM! BOOM!
“Fucking adorable on your part to realize that. The fact that I can see the stallion you hit isn’t moving does nothing but add sweetness to your gesture.”
“Nah, he’s still alive, I can see him breathing.”
“Wow, that’s sure a relief. You just caused him serious brain damage then, that’s totally not so bad.”
BOOM! BOOM!
“You know, I was thinking about Blueblood. The garden was his, so he has experience with drugs. Hell, he had FTS, so maybe he is so fucked up inside that he is not affected by the drugs and he’s like, dunno, freaking out inside of the mansion, trying to understand what’s happening.”
“Drugs don’t work that way.”
“Oh right, you’re a drug expert. How could I forget that detail? You know absolutely everything about drugs. You’re like, the drug empress. Everything that’s to know about hallucinogenic substances is inside your brain. You wrote the book on drugs. It’s called: ‘drugs –the book, by motherfucking Lyra Heartstrings’, and it’s a best-seller that everypony loves, that’s why you are so rich and beloved.”
“Yeah drugs still don’t work that way.”
BOOM! BOOM!
“That guy is running away.”
“Oh.” BOOM! “There, now he’s not.”
“Certainly. So, anyway, I’m sure Blueblood is totally not inside the house, plotting some royal revenge on us. After all, this is just his birthday party and we’re at his house, so why would he be here? Also we’re totally not destroying everything he owns and probably loves, so he has no reason to hate us. And even if he did, he’s only the nephew of Celestia so I’m sure he can do nothing against us. So continue, this is perfectly safe and not dangerous to us in any sense.”
BOOM! BOOM!
“You know, I thought that after doing this for ten straight minutes it would stop being funny.”
“And?”
“It totally didn’t.”
“You didn’t pay any attention to me, did you.”
“I was busy having fun.”
BOOM! BOOM!
“You know, I think I saw Cheating Bastard there not so long ago. I think he is inside the house though.”
“Why should I care?”
“I don’t know, maybe because he’s the main reason why we are here? We want Carrot Top to not kill that idiot, Lyra. If we can get the idiot out before she finds him, then we can go home.”
“Yeah, I still don’t really care.”
“I don’t care either, but I thought it was worth mentioning it.”
“It wasn’t.”
“Hm.”
BOOM! BOOM!
“Anyway, really, there are more ponies than before. Are they coming out of the mansion or something?”
“Why would they do that? Only an idiot would come straight into a slamming statue like that.”
***
“GO STRAIGHT INTO THAT SLAMMING STATUE YA IDIOTS!”
There’s one point in every noblepony’s life in which he has to make a decision. Which is better for tonight: the green cape or the orange jacket? Trying the boiled daisies or the fried orchids first? Running into that giant, pony-fucking dolphin that is seriously hurting your comrades or facing that scary mare? Being nobility was stressful sometimes.
Maybe they were following the new trend, maybe they just made the wisest decision –it doesn’t really matter. The thing is: that pony-fucking dolphin had a lot of ponies to fuck. One by one they looked at the orange mare and then ran to the statue, following her orders. It was a hard decision, sure, but they were used to that kind of things.
Also they had enough drugs in their bodies to kill a baby elephant, so it’s not like they gave a single fuck. That surely helped a lot. So, one by one, they ran through the door and towards the statue, following the orange mare’s indications. They could have left the hall through a window, but the smoke was too dense for them to give a single fuck.
Carrot Top didn’t exactly know why everypony was obeying her, but it’s not like she really cared. Being honest, she was too damn high to care about absolutely anything, but even if she had been sober she wouldn’t have given a single fuck.
That seemed to be the common result of breathing that white smoke. Nopony gave a single fuck. At all.
So who-knows-why, the situation at the hall was, at least, weird. The second and third floors were empty, and everypony who wasn’t at the garden was just… waiting there. Some were sitting, some were walking, some were chattering. Carrot Top was standing on a table, and every few minutes she would point at one, maybe two or three random ponies and tell them to go outside and run into the statue. The nobleponies would doubt a little, then obey.
That was it. That was the situation. Ponies waiting, then going to the statue.
At one point Carrot Top realized that A) she wasn’t really sure how the hell had she ended up doing this, B) she had lost focus, because her original goal was to look for Cheating Bastard and her ex-coltfriend was nowhere to be seen and C) no, seriously, how was she in such a situation? Everything felt a little blurry.
She shrugged it off pretty easily. She was sending those snobs to the statue because it was funny. Also she was pissed off at every noblepony in existence, mostly because Cheating Bastard had been a cheating bastard. Sending those idiots to their doom was surprisingly calming.
And of course, maybe Cheating was in that hall after all. Nopony was leaving without her noticing it. Well, at some point a bunch of rebels had gone to the stairs and into the second floor, because apparently there was at least one noblepony who wasn’t dumb as a rock, but Carrot had realized that almost immediately, and the door had been closed and secured by two scared countressses. So if Cheating was hiding between the group, she was going to find him. Of course, there was the possibility that he would have gone to the second floor, but what were the odds? No, that stallion was going to be found at some point.
And then she was going to pay.
***
Derpy was breathing heavily, looking at the point where the guard had disappeared with an enraged face. Turner felt still a little dizzy, and was sure he wouldn’t be able to get up or walk by himself. He touched his forehead and grunted when he felt something sticky on it. He looked at his hoof and -eeeyup, it was blood. Perfect, just perfect. He had a concussion. Not very bad, because he was still conscious, but he was sure a journey to the hospital would be something quite recommendable.
The first one breaking the silence that had fallen between them was, of course, Vinyl. Her voice came from Turner’s communicator, slow and confused.
“What... just happened?” she asked. “I mean. Derpy? That was kinda awesome, but... what?”
The grey pegasus squinted her eyes at the forest a couple more seconds, and once it was clear that the guard wasn’t coming back, she turned to the brown stallion, a sweet smile on her face again. “Doc!” she said. “I came here to save you!”
Turner blinked. Now that he could look at Derpy calmly, he could see her eyes were straight, instead of looking at the moon and the ground at the same time, as usual. Her smile also looked a little goofy, even more than usual. Her wings trembled a little.
And she really smelled like weed. “Derpy, are you high?”
“Derpy’s high?!”
“No, silly!” The pegasus giggled and approached Turner with a mix between walking and jumping. “I’m on the ground, don’t you see? Are you hurt, Doc?”
“That’s not what I mean.” Turner sighed. “And you know it. Also, yes, I’m kinda hurt.” He raised an eyebrow. “What gave you the clue, Derpy? The fact that I’m on the ground, the fact that I can’t get up or the fact that my forehead is as bloody as a lady on the day of her marriage?”
“Oh for fuck’s sake, Turner.”
“Shut up, Vinyl.” Turner groaned. His forehead was killing him. Derpy stopped right beside him, still smiling in that weird way. Her straight eyes were unsetting. “Derpy, I think I’m pretty much fucked up here. I won’t die for this, but I’m sure I need a couple stitches and maybe a good night’s rest. And, of course, you’re totally stoned so you can’t help me. Great.”
Derpy answered him with a very annoying giggle.
Turner was almost choking by the smell in Derpy’s mane. Holy shit, it wasn’t strong, it was more than that. He felt nauseous for a moment. “Ugh, yes you are.”
“Turner, you’re hurt?” Vinyl asked. “How bad it is?”
The stallion smirked. “My head met a tree with so much strength that now the tree won’t be able to marry in white. But as I said, I’ll survive. Though it hurts.”
“Aaaw.” Derpy nuzzled Turner’s cheek, making him feel even more nauseous. “Poor thing. Did that scary guard do something bad to you?”
“Ugh.” Turner coughed. “For crying out loud, Derpy, you smell like my old Art Teacher. Get out.”
“What happened, Derpy?” Vinyl asked. She sounded worried. “If you’re as stoned as Turner says, I bet it has something to do with the plan, right? Did you, like, inhale the drug or something?”
“Breathe?” Turner laughed sardonically. “This idiot has bathed in that shit, judging by the smell of her mane.”
Derpy giggled, hugged Turner carefully and continued with the nuzzle. The stallion gagged. “Oh, so you’re smelling my mane?” she said. “Silly Doc!”
“Vinyl, do you mind checking what’s happening with the others?” Turner said, trying not to puke. “I have a bad feeling.”
“Yeah, good idea. You want me to talk with them privately or-?”
“Are you really asking this?! I am hurt, Derpy is stoned and if I remember well, Octavia doesn’t have a communicator,” interrupted Turner. “Judging by the state of this fucking pegasus, I bet the plan went horribly wrong and now we may be dealing with a drugged Lyra. So, in other words, we’re fucked.”
“Well, it’s not so bad. We’ve been in situation like this before.”
“Yeah, but usually Octavia, Derpy or me are here, trying to put some reason inside your brains. But right now? Only me and you can talk with those idiots.” Turner sighed. “And Vinyl, you’re fucking stupid.”
“You know, I’m starting to get really angry at you,” Vinyl said. “You can kindly go and fuck yourself, Time Turner.”
“I’m just explaining the situation,” answered the stallion. “In other words: no, for Celestia’s sake, I don’t want you to talk with Lyra and Bon Bon privately! That would be at the same time stupid and illogical. The only one who can solve this fucking situation is me, so move your giant lazy ass and let me handle everything, instead of whining at my ear because your high school crush isn’t talking to you tonight!”
Silence. Turner was breathing heavily, trying not to puke. Yelling had been a very bad idea –he felt sick, and the pain on his head was doing nothing but become stronger. The pony rested his head against the tree one more time, trying to be as far away from Derpy’s mane as possible.
“That’s been mean,” said Derpy, using her usual sweet voice. “Vinyl is a good friend! But don’t worry, I know how to take that grumpiness away!”
The pegasus got closer and hugged Turner, who was feeling too sick to resist. The smell of weed was too strong. He tried to talk, but choked instead.
“Turner!” Luckily for him, Derpy realized this and moved away a couple inches, enough for Turner to breathe. “Are you okay, sweetie?”
“No,” the stallion said. “No, I’m not fucking okay. My head hurts, my stomach aches, I think I’m going to puke, I’m bleeding and you’re stinking right now and something tells me you don’t realize the situation is more serious than expected.”
“Aw, come on! We’ve been at worse places! Look, I know something that will cheer you up even more than just a hug…”
Turner was already taking a breath to yell something among the lines of ‘for fuck’s sake, go away’, even though he was sure it would hurt Derpy and she would end up angry with him. Luckily for the stallion, he never got to do this, so that never happened and their relationship went on as happy as it had always been.
Unluckily for the stallion, that was because Vinyl had finally turned off the private conversation, and everypony was part of the main one now.
That meant that through every communicator came one of the loudest sounds Turner could ever imagine: that of almost eighty nobleponies screaming and crying in despair and fear, alongside the unmistakable noise of a giant, pony-fucking dolphin slamming the ground every few seconds. Being so sudden, the noise seemed ten thousand times as strong as it realty was in Turner’s ears.
The pain in his head became unbearable. He felt something coming out from his stomach, and next thing he knew he was pushing Derpy apart as fast as possible and puking as hard as he could.
Then everything became dizzy and he fell unconscious.
***
Getting rid of Steel Bar had been easy. Octavia had zero to no difficulties on hiding behind a tree and then running to the mansion, her hooves completely quiet against the soft ground of leaves and dirt. She was panting, out of breath, and her entire body was covered in sweat.
She bit her lip. Well, sweating could be sexy sometimes, but definitely she was not sweating in a sexy way right now. Yet another reason to hate running, she though. Even her mane had to be messy after being so much time in the forest. Dirt, leaves, branches… She was looking everything but hot.
Octavia shrugged everything off easily, though. She had no time for worrying over her looks, although she really wanted to.
Her chat with Vinyl had pissed her off. A lot. It had also hurt her, but ‘pissed’ was the correct word to describe how she was feeling right now. The only thing she wanted was to go and talk to Turner. For some reason, Octavia was sure that the stallion was the right choice to talk about that kind of things. Not like she had any other option anyway –Lyra and Bon Bon were obviously not a good choice, Vinyl was the cause of her anger and Derpy had been part of the cause too. So, Turner and Turner alone.
What could she tell him? Octavia wasn’t really sure. Maybe the stallion could help her make amends with Vinyl? Although, now that she thought about it… Did she want to make amends with Vinyl anyway? Octavia wasn’t really sure either.
After all, Vinyl had said, verbatim, that Octavia meant nothing to her. Well, that was truly a jerk comment. Vinyl could go fuck a nail. Octavia didn’t want to see or hear the DJ ever again. Hell, that had been uncalled for! What had been all that about anyway? Just because Octavia had played with Derpy one night she had become like the toy of the group or something?! Hell no! And she was getting none of that attitude, mind you!
Yes, that was a good way to look at the situation, Octavia thought. She shook her head, let the frown and the sad pout disappear and replaced them with a confident smirk and a pissed off look. She was going to look for Turner, and then she was going to talk shit about Vinyl. Oh yes, she was going to talk so much shit about Vinyl. All the shit. And Vinyl would never know because Octavia was never going to talk with her.
She reassured her decision with a kick to the ground. Well, everything was perfectly ok once again! She now had an excuse to go and talk with Turner about Vinyl, she knew how to handle the situation, and OctaviaTown was fine and dandy, as always!
And then she finally got out of the forest and appeared in front of the now empty main door.
The first thing she thought about was how amazingly soundproof were those trees. Inside the forest she had heard nothing at all. Then again, she had been kinda busy thinking about serious things, so maybe she had not been paying attention. But even with that in mind, the forest did a very good job at isolating sound.
Because holy shit, the mare thought, everything was noisy in there. Octavia could hear a lot of ponies screaming at the mansion, and the unmistakable sound of a giant, pony-fucking dolphin slamming the ground every few seconds.
And then she realized that the main door was surrounded in a weird mist… no, it was smoke. White smoke? That was weird.
“Well, fuck me. I guess the plan has changed.”
She looked at the starry sky and sighed one more time. Maybe destroying her communicator hadn’t been a good idea after all.
Now, let’s think, she thought. Well, she was already thinking. That was a good start! Now she needed to think about something else than her need to think. Wait what was that thing in the air? It smelled like… weed? She wasn’t really sure, so she sniffed as hard as she could.
Well, it sure did smell like weed. Was someone smoking near her? Where? Oh, wait. She was supposed to be thinking. Or was she already thinking? No, definitely she wasn’t thinking, she thought.
Wait.
Fuck.
She slapped herself, trying to clear her mind. What was happening? Her mind was going in circles. That wasn’t normal.
And then it hit her. The smoke! It smelled like weed, there was a weird, white smoke, she felt dizzy…
“Oh Celestia. I’m getting stoned!”
Definitely, the plan had changed. She forgot about looking for Turner and went to the forest, where there was no smoke. Maybe the trees were enchanted? No sound, no smoke… Octavia coughed and breathed as much clear air as she could. Maybe Blueblood had casted a fireproof spell at the forest –Octavia knew it was common practice between Canterlot nobles–, and for some reason that worked against noise and smoke too.
That didn’t sound very plausible, but the smoke wasn’t getting near the trees, so it had to be close to the truth, at least. Octavia sighed, stretched her legs and started to run again, this time towards the mansion, but always inside of the forest.
Now, onwards to look for Lyra and Bon Bon, she thought. Octavia was sure that they were the cause of the smoke and the screaming. After all, they were Lyra and Bon Bon. Why had they brought them that night anyway? They did nothing but cause trouble.
***
“So, are you going to keep doing that all night?”
“I think I’ll stop once the statue breaks.”
“Well, that’s just wonderful.”
Lyra let her smirk grow a little wider. Truth be told, she was kinda tired of doing that stupid thing with the statue, and her horn was itching like crazy. She only knew how to cast two spells, and levitation was one of them –but levitating that huge dolphin was something pretty amazing for a pony her age. So the act itself was tiring, boring (you only could do the same thing for a certain amount of time before it got repetitive, even if the particular thing was something as funny as making nobleponies shit their pants) and it was hurting her horn. The only reason why she kept slamming the statue was because Bon Bon was so annoyed.
There were ponies coming out of the mansion, they had finally seen it. Lyra was sure that there was only one reason why the nobleponies could be running into the slamming statue. “So,” she said, “are you going to get in there or what?”
“Oh, of course I’m going. You know, I love to run into-“
“Yeah, cut it off,” Lyra interrupted. “I think Carrot is in there, because that’s the only thing that’s more terrifying than a fucking statue. You should go in there.”
“Of course.” Bon Bon glared at her. “I could go in there, take Carrot and run away. It’s the perfect plan! Except for the fact that we don’t know if Carrot is in there at all, because the only proof we have is that a bunch of stoned idiots are coming out of a house filled with smoke. Of course, we have a supercomputer that can help us localize that mare, but nopony is answering through this piece of shit,” Bon Bon pointed at the communicator in her ear, that had been silent for a long time now, just like Lyra’s, “so who the fuck cares. Oh, and also, if I go there I will inhale the smoke and get high too, which would be just wonderful for our purposes. Why, being drugged sure is going to help us!”
“There’s hardly any smoke now,” Lyra said. She wasn’t looking at Bon Bon; she was too focused on slamming the statue (BOOM, BOOM!). “At least here. The statue has scattered it. You’re welcome.”
“Well, you are right at that,” Bon Bon said. “But, just in case: if I go there, will you stop doing that with the dolphin?”
“Nah.”
“I thought so.”
Lyra raised an eyebrow. She was thinking about some witty way to answer her companion when suddenly something came from the trees behind them and started yelling at her. Something grey and sweaty.
Octavia, of course.
“You bloody idiots!” the grey mare said, looking at them with disgust. She was looking horrible, Lyra thought. “What the hell are you doing?! You were supposed to get in there and rescue Carrot, not cause as much chaos as possible! What the fuck are you even doing?!”
“We’re having a wonderful time in general,” answered Lyra, still slamming the statue. Octavia retreated a few steps after looking at her eyes. “You know, playing with nobility. See?” She slammed the statue with even more strength. Pain ran through her horn and the back of her eyes, but she didn’t flinch. “Funny!”
“You are making your position painfully obvious!” Octavia shook her head and turner to Bon Bon, clearly angry. “Don’t you see that if I can spot you anypony can?!”
Bon Bon looked at the mare and blinked two times. Then, slowly, she massaged her eyes with her hoof. “Ok,” she said. “First thing: we were supposed to cause as much chaos as possible… then things got wild, but that doesn’t matter. Second thing: we were doing this precisely because we didn’t need to hide, as you were distracting the guards. And third thing…” Bon Bon raised her head and looked at Octavia. “What the hell are you doing here anyway?”
Silence.
Well, relative silence. The ponies were screaming and the statue was slamming against the ground, after all.
Octavia opened her mouth. Then she closed it. Then she opened it again.
“I don’t know if that’s you trying to imitate a fish out of water or if you’re trying to come up with an explanation that’s not fucking stupid.” Bon Bon sighed. “As it’s you we’re talking about, I guess it’s the second. You know what? I don’t really want to know.”
Lyra chuckled.
“Just tell me one thing: are the guards still distracted or you ran away without taking care of that?”
Octavia froze.
Then she slowly turned to Lyra.
Then to the statue.
Then to Bon Bon again.
Then she gulped.
“Well… that’s a funny story, in fact.”
“Oh, come fucking on!” Bon Bon raised her hooves into the air, exasperated. “So what, now the guards are perfectly fine? DO you realize that if they call the Royal Guard we’re fucked?! Or are you too stupid to understand that?! They could be right behind us right now!”
“Guess what?” a masculine voice said, out of the blue. “We are. And the Royal Guards are coming.”
A lot of things happened at the same time. Lyra was able to get everything, more or less, but some details didn’t get clear until a couple days later.
First, two hulky stallions appeared right behind them –the guards, Lyra guessed. She had to admit it: Turner hadn’t been exaggerating. Those guys had muscles the size of watermelons. Lyra was sure they could break a normal pony’s neck just by looking at it.
The two guards tackled them, or at least tried. The three mares avoided them pretty easily, mostly because the guards had warned them. Talking from the shadows and startling the criminals you wanted to get was pretty cool, but also inefficient, Lyra thought.
The three mares jumped and avoided them, then. But that forced them to get out of the forest and actually enter the garden. And then, the protection from the sound that the trees had been giving them disappeared, and Lyra could hear the screams of the nobleponies. They were far louder than she had imagined.
Lyra had been so startled that the statue jumped a couple meters in the air. That caused her a lot of pain, and as a result, the spell faded away. The statue fell to the ground, causing the strongest sound Lyra had ever heard.
At the same time, although she couldn’t hear it very well, her communicator made a ‘click’ sound, and they got connected to the main conversation again.
Just in time for the communicator to receive the signal of the louder screams and the unmistakable sound of a giant, pony-fucking dolphin hitting the ground.
A new scream hurt Lyra’s ears just after that –Turner screaming. Then, something that sounded like Derpy saying something about somepony losing consciousness, and the stupid DJ yelling like a fucking idiot.
The pain on her horn, plus the one in the back of her eyes, both caused by magic, were hard to deal with. But once you added the screams and the general noise, they became completely unbearable, at least for a couple seconds. Lyra was able to avoid the guards once, but then she had to cover her ears with her hooves, screaming in pain.
Something tackled her and she fell to the ground, so she added pain in her back and legs to the picture. She hit her head hard enough for her sight to become blurry, but she didn’t lose consciousness.
Everything had happened very fast, but Lyra was faster. Knowing that she couldn’t use magic for a while, she just headbutted whoever had tackled her to the ground as hard as she could. A wild scream followed that gesture. She had hit an eye, seemingly.
Then she put the horn away and punched in the same spot. As a result, she heard another scream and the pony that was trying to immobilize her got away.
Lyra’s sight finally cleared, and she got up.
In front of her were two guards. One of them had blood on his face and was screaming. Lyra had hurt his eye. The other one was looking at her and frowning on a very interesting way.
Octavia and Bon Bon were nowhere to be seen. Lyra caught a glimpse of Tavi running to the side of the mansion.
Lyra was panting. Her head hurt a lot. She had no magic. The Royal Guards were coming. Two angry stallions the size of a little mountain wanted trouble with her. Turner was unconscious. Her friends had left her alone. She was surrounded by nobleponies that had been terrorized by her.
“Well,” she muttered, the blood of the guard dropping from her horn, “shit got interesting.”
