Stop me if you’ve heard this one before… A colt grows up in a small town, beneath the shadow of Canterlot and on the edge of the Everfree forest. He goes to school, comes home, and talks with mommy and daddy about his day. On the weekends, he stops by Sugarcube Corner for some pastries, and sees this wonderful pink mare named Pinkie Pie. She makes the colt smile and laugh, and then gives him some delicious goodies to make his weekend all that more special.
Now one day Pinkie Pie wasn’t there giving out goodies. He was worried about her, and he went up to her room to see what was wrong. She was crying, sobbing her eyes out, and as the little colt went up to ask her what happened she swept him up in her hooves, and held him tight. The colt hugged her back, it was the least he could do for her as she was obviously very upset and always made him smile. He wanted to be able to make her smile again. And while he hugged her, she told him what was wrong. He could only make out bits and pieces between the sobs, but apparently something happened to the Princesses, and Twilight Sparkle, the librarian, was very hurt about it, all her friends were, and Pinkie Pie couldn’t’ stand that.
The little colt hugged Pinkie, and told her that it’d be okay, and that he could try to make her something to help her feel better. He'd bake her a cake! Because she was always giving him yummy treats, it was only fair he make her one! That got her to smile, and she nuzzled him softly, and told him that as sweet as that was she didn't have time today. That she and her friends had to go to Canterlot to try to get things under control, and that Twilight would come up with a plan, she always did. They all had to go to Canterlot to try to fix things. The colt said that was alright, and promised to bake her a cake when she came back, to thank her for everything. She hugged him a little more and continued to cry off and on. The colt stayed with her for hours until she had to leave, and then when she was gone he went home and started reading cooking books, just so he’d know how to make her the perfect cake when she returned from Canterlot. His parents let him use the oven to practice, and he did, again and again and again, just so that he'd have the perfect cake for her. He got his Cutie Mark practicing, to make the cake for her.
The punch line? She never came back. ‘Snrk’. HAHAHAHAHA!!! All that work for nothing! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! … Heeheeheehee, whooo… that’s a good one…
Now here’s a riddle. What wets their whistle without getting drunk? Always goes with the flow but never accepts it? Never stops screaming but can’t make a sound? ... You give up? Do yah, do yah? Hehe! The answer is a drowning pony. A water-chugging, flailing, wide-eyed pony swept away in the flood that the Pegasi brought onto our town. Didn’t learn until later it was Rainbow Dash that had brought the flood. The element of loyalty flooded Ponyville! Her home that she had saved, and protected, so many times, and on a word and rumor she washed it all away, along with the colt's mommy and daddy...
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! She sure got us! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Heeheehee! Ooooh! That reminds me of another little prank! Played on that same colt!
The set up was that, he was lonely and desperate, wanting something to turn to in his time of loss. And a bunch of ponies in Appleloosa, led by the ever-dependable, ever-trustworthy Applejack, would offer him a place to be safe, good, and moral in an ever-worsening world! And he would buy that yarn hook line and sinker, go live with the Earthborn, grow up, earn his Cutie-Mark, start eyeing mares flanks. Then, just when he thought he was doing some good in the world, just when he least expected it, old dependable Applejack would declare that unicorns in Earthborn territory needed to be dehorned… AND HE WAS A UNICORN!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Oh! Heehee! And then he tried to ‘Snrk’ tried to leave, taking the one week grace period to get out of dodge, hahahaha, but by that time he’d moved to Colterado and ‘Snrk’ and the Earthborn there had different ideas! They took him and all the unicorns who opted out, corralled them in a warehouse, and cut off their horns! Hahahahaha! One by one, the screams and sobs filled the air, and then it was his turn! Heeheeheehee! They took his entire identity with a couple knife strokes! And it hurt! It hurt so much! HAHAHAHAHA! Then they just left him in the warehouse with some bloody tissues and went about their business! Guess the joke was on him! HE EVEN KNEW SOME OF THEM!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Ooooh… Heheheheheheheh… ... Come on... These are the jokes folks… Are you not laughing? Are you not having a good time? Well then... Time to get serious.
... ... ...
The skies were cotton candy. Pink and fluffy, with bright candy-red swirls spiraling across. Liquid red poured down in torrents from the skies, as chocolate Pegasi flitted to and fro, in and out of the candy clouds, with wide candy-corn tooth smiles on their faces and red gumdrop eyes. The crimson red continued to pour down onto the world below, oozing into a thick pool of blood, stretching as far as the eyes could see... And from that blood, balloons began to arise. Blue, yellow, and pink, with sharp-toothed grins and slanted malevolent eyes, drawn on in black marker, rising up out of the blood. As the balloons rose up, their strings slowly slinked out behind them, until finally the strings went taut, and pulled up rose their loads... rotting pony corpses, lifted by the balloons with the strings wrapped around their stomachs.
Pegasi, Unicorns, and Earth Ponies alike rose into the air, pieces of flesh falling off and revealing skeletal structures beneath, eyes rotted out of their sockets, dull worn coats of multiple colors being eaten away by worms, and mouths smiling wide, most with their lips long rotted away. And they laughed... They giggled, and chuckled, and chortled as they rose into the sky, guffawing with glee as they soared upwards. The chocolate Pegasi grinned even wider, and their gumdrop eyes became slanted, candy-corn teeth suddenly sharp and jagged, and they swooped down on the corpses as they neared the clouds. They began biting, ripping, tearing into the corpse-ponies as the dead ponies laughed, and the red rain kept pouring down into blood. Pink lightning flashed through the sky, thundering laughs shaking through the air.
The chocolate Pegasi ripped the corpses apart, tearing off heads, feasting on brains, consuming the rotted corpse-flesh of the floating ponies, and still they laughed. And then, with malicious smirks, the Pegasi would open their mouths up to the balloons and chomp down with a-
POP!
Sending the corpses falling back down through the sky, back into the blood. And even then they laughed, as they splashed into the crimson red, sending ruby droplets flying about, making waves and ripples in the red. The thundering booming laughs never stopped, their laughter never stopped, each and every one of them always giggling with mirth even as they drowned in the blood. And then, as the bodies continued to plunk into the blood pool from the pink candy sky, five flames ignited, just above the blood, bright shining blazes arranged in a very wide circle. One flame was blue, another was pink, another was red, and another was orange. And then one final flame, the one at the very front of the circle, was a nice deep purple. And then something appeared out of the blood below the flames... Candles. Huge cylindrical candles with blue and yellow spiraling stripe patterns. Slowly they rose, ever-upwards, out of the blood... and as the blood dribbled down, a huge lumbering figure slowly rose above the blood... a figure frosted with white icing...
A cake. A huge pink cake rose up out of the red, with blood dribbling down it's form, corpses and rotted pony parts falling onto it from above and getting stuck in the frosting. Big, vicious, malevolent candy eyes, cut to slanted triangles, rose up above the blood, the left a brilliant yellow and right a vicious blue. Bending steel claws, shot out at either side, splashing red all across the pool as they bent and stretched their sharp metal fingers, four prongs each. The fork-arms dripped off blood as the multi-tiered cake creature kept on rising, rows of white icing, bodies falling onto it and either rolling off or getting stuck in it's frosty goodness. And then, finally, a huge grinning mouth appeared, filled with rows of sharpened cylindrical blue-yellow spiral candy-teeth, it's dark-pink tongue lapping at the blood... It stopped rising then, the humungous cake monster towering up into the sky, lightning flashing behind it with thunderous laughs, framing it's glory...
It's fork arms shot up into the sky, and impaled chocolate Pegasi on the tips of it's fingers. They squirmed and cackled, stuck on it's claws as it brought them down to it's mouth, and shoved them into it's wide hungry maw. It's candy teeth scraped them off of it's metal fingers and then began to chomp, sloppily crunching and mashing the chocolate Pegasi, turning them into gooey melted chocolate sticking to it's teeth and tongue. And the Pegasi kept on laughing, until their heads were finally crushed into chocolate goo, and they could laugh no more. Then the cake's mouth stretched ever wider, and it let out a deep, vibrating-
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"
That shook the air, and made the blood pool rumble, swirl, and began to sink down an invisible drain in a gigantic whirlpool, the blood disappearing, revealing more of the cake... and buildings. Decrepit, ruined buildings, bashed and destroyed, rotted and dead, oozing blood from their walls, blood pooling out their broken windows and empty doorways... Pink ghosts of all pony races rose up and around the ruined structures as the blood receded, giggling merrily as they played and spiraled about each other, intertwining over the ruined and decimated homes. They were chuckling and laughing, even as more and more blood oozed from the walls of the damned structures and, and as the laughing kept on the cake-monster laughed again, and the very sky seemed to start chuckling and-
... ... ...
GASP!!!
The stallion shot up, clutching his blanket to his body, eyes wide, breath quick, sweat coating his fur...
The room was lit by the morning sun, rising with no help from Celestia, the blood red light falling onto the rotted wood of the floorboard, and walls shorn of their wallpaper and paint. In a corner of the room a portion of the floor had collapsed and the remains of a wooden bed had fallen through at an angle, back-end and headboard tilted up towards the wall, with hoofboard and the body of the bed stretching into the darkness of the floor below.
A portion of the wall was missing from where the window used to be, more than helping the sunlight make it's way in. A quick glance outside revealed the deadwood remains of the uprooted tree that had broken the wall apart, pieces of it floating in the shallow water outside the building, stagnant and unmoving. Soaking ruins stretched as far as the eye could see from that window, with hoof-deep water coating the ground, slipping in through doors and at lower elevations through the windows, flooding the first floors of the buildings... The sunlight glistened off of the water, making it shining and bright as it stretched out through the ruins of what had once been Ponyville. It was rather pretty.
The blanket that covered the stallion was a dull and faded dark pink, with brown cloth patches sewn onto it over holes. The stallion himself was a bit... strange looking, to say the least. More than a little disconcerting. His fur was a bright white, but was dulled and shaggy from being unkempt and uncared for. His mane was wild and loose upon his head, shorter than most mares but long for a male, with bangs that could cover his eyes if he didn't brush them back. It was black, and when cared for it had a natural luster, but dirty as it was it didn't shine through. In addition to the black was a single streak of purple, going through the left-middle part of his mane.
His body was scrawny to look at, a little scrawnier than an average unicorn stallion's body. And upon his head, beneath the overgrown bangs, was vicious white scarring, formed from several deep lacerations, all focused in one spot on the forehead, about where a unicorn's horn would be usually... That wasn't the end to his bodily mutilation though. His cheeks were cut deep, in a slight tilt up at the cheeks, and fur skinned from the edges of the cuts. The effect was a vicious Geldsgow smile stretching back, ugly and brutal, that had been sewn up with small strips of leather, sewn into an X pattern all along the cuts, down his cheeks, all the way up to his mouth. And then there were his eyes... brilliant pink, seeming to have almost a glow inside of them as they looked out into the world.
His Cutie-Mark was hidden beneath the covers as of current, along with his tail. And his chest was heaving from quick breaths, sweat covering his fur, his eyes wide... He stayed that way for several moments, just breathing quickly, expression one that most would associated with night terrors... and then he smirked. And then he grinned, lips revealing bright pearly whites, even as the leather strips stretched to hold the cut-grin together. And the stallion began to chuckle.
"Heheheheheh, hahahahahahah, ha, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" He laughed, falling back onto his back beneath the covers, giggling and chuckling and laughing wildly, flailing his hooves and kicking off his blanket as he laid on his back on the floor. With the blanket removed, his Cutie-Mark was revealed... a pink cake with white frosting and a wicked grin, black mouth framing sharp pink cake-teeth, and malevolent black triangles for the eyes, three blue and yellow spiral candles lit up on the top of the cake with orange flames. No fork-arms, or candy teeth, not exactly the monster from the dream, but pretty bucking similar...
That hadn't always been his Cutie-Mark of course. The cake had been considerably more friendly, and yellow with white frosting. But times changed... and so did he. Heck, his eyes had been green. GREEN! What an ugly color green. And he hadn't been the happy soul he was as of current either... He'd changed a lot to grin so much.
"Hahahahaha! Oh now THAT'S a welcome home party! Hahahahaha, I guess the ghosts missed me! 'Snrk' MAYBE I'LL BAKE THEM A THANK YOU CAKE!!! GAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" He laughed, rolling back and forth on the rotted floor for several moments, ignoring the damp and the chill as he laughed until tears came to his eyes. And then he caught his breath, bringing down his laughter until it was only a few light chuckles, and laid with his back on the floor and his legs spread, sighing out contentedly as his body was racked by the occasional chuckle.
"Ohhhhhh... heheheheh, heh... it's a funny world we live in..." He spoke, smiling wide with a peaceful look in his eyes as he gazed up at the ceiling... Then rolled his eyes down and to the left, right at you, as he grinned wider.
"Don'tchya think?"
