The Pony Ghostbusters

by TheFabulousRarity

Rating: teen
Tags: Lyra, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Bon-Bon, Derpy Hooves, Main 6
Length: 7799

The result of lack of sleep and a lot of energy drinks.

A vague squeal to Spike's Selfish [everted Desires.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Bps9fZXZLdr_LaFWnYKl_I-b71shQQKhdVpj5dXLQBM/edit?hl=en_US
I know there are a lot errors in this but I can't be stuffed changing them :P
Enjoy a very random, slightly offensive and hopefully funny story!! :D

Published 2012-03-03 00:24:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-03-03 00:24:02 UTC

Chapter 1

“TURN IT UP TO FULL POWER!” Screamed Rainbow Dash.
“But Dashie umm I don’t think it will umm w…” but before Fluttershy had a chance to finish her sentence it was too late. The roof exploded sending splintered shards and asphyxiating dust in every direction. The last thing Dash remembered was a lot of strange smoke then everything faded to black.
*Earlier that d.. WOAH! WOAH! WOAH! Hold up a muffin munching minute! That seemed like one of the most cliché openings to any story ever written! I mean come on! Having the story open to a dramatic scene then fade back to earlier… YAWN! Bitch please, this ain’t no 24 and I am most certainly not Jack Bauer! (Angry breathing slowly coming back to normal) Ok now that I have calmed my tits let’s try open this story again with a bit more originality and class!* (Unfortunately due to the writer of this fiction having neither of these qualities nor barely enough brain cells to even be alive we are going to have to stick with what we have got…) Oh boy this is going to be fun!
Anyway where were we? Oh that’s right!
*Earlier that day*
Rainbow Dash’s breathing slowly got heavier with sweat dripping off her and her steadily increasing heart rate pumping adrenaline and ecstasy around her body. As she thrust her hoof into the hole she reminded herself Fluttershy would come at any moment. This anxiety fuelled her excitement even more so causing her to drive her hoof deeper and deeper into the tight hole belonging to her shy friend. Her sweat lubricated her hoof allowing it to glide in with slight more ease. Dash licked her lips as she was so close to her goal she could almost taste it. Then Fluttershy came.
The kitchen door opened to reveal a pink haired Pegasus pony with a confused expression on its face.
“Ummm Dashie. What are you doing?” Asked Fluttershy quite inquisitively.
Rainbow Dash immediately turned bright red with embarrassment. Fluttershy had caught her red hoofed trying to steal cookies from her cookie jar.
“Oh Dashie you could have just asked if you wanted one.” She said with a gentle tone.
“Anyway we just got a call from Cheerilee saying that it has happened again.”
“When will they just give up?” Said Rainbow Dash with a tired expression on her face.
“FINE! Grab the equipment and tell her we will be right over in 10 seconds flat!” Yelled Dash.
“But Dashie.” Murmured Fluttershy. “Cheerilee’s manor is on the other side of Ponyville so it might umm be a bit presumptions maybe to say we will get there that quickly.”
“DID I STUTTER BITCH?” Screamed Dash. “TEN. SECONDS. FLAT.”
“Ummm yes Dashie of cause.” (Secretly Fluttershy had had enough of being treated like this from Rainbow Dash and she promised to herself one day she would get her revenge when the time was right)
*Even earlier that day…actually it was so earlier that day that it would be more politically correct to say late last night.. So why didn’t I just say that in the first place?... Oh that’s right the lack of brain cells…*
Anyway considering all that arguing that just went on it turns out both sides were completely wrong! In fact it was around a month ago that Twilight’s body (Well at least what was left of it after Spike had fucked her so hard she exploded all over Ponyville) had been laid to rest in an old Indian burial ground. The funeral had got a much bigger turn out than anypony could have ever hoped for. Well maybe it was because of how Pinkie Pie had phrased the invitations.
‘Come celebrate the end of Twilight!’ Possibly to be confused with the book and movie series or maybe it was just because there was free cupcakes and apple cider. Nevertheless Twilight Sparkle was dead and gone or so everypony thought!
It was roughly a week after Miss Sparkle’s remains had been buried that it happened! It was a dark stormy cliché horror movie Friday night (and I know it was a Friday because Rebecca had taught me the days of the week) and it was a few minutes off midnight. (Who would have guessed?) Something didn’t feel right the old man pony thought to himself as he left his guardhouse to do his midnight patrol of the graveyard. (It was either a spiritual upset or the Taco Bell he had eaten earlier)
Everything seemed to be in order as he was finishing off his patrol. His watch’s alarm went off to indicate it was now midnight so he stopped and sat down on the nearest tombstone and got out a muffin for a brief midnight snack. As he took the first bite the tombstone he was seated on started to shake violently and emit strange smoke. He jumped up with fright dropping his muffin. It was like the tombstone was alive. Like a ‘Living Tombstone!’
*Ok hold up! Did I just make the worst reference to the pony music maker?.... Eeyup. I’m really sorry about this guys! Please just ignore me and hopefully I will go away. We can only hope.*
The ground under the tombstone then began to crack and out of the strange smoke it was emitting a half decomposed purple hoof shot out of the ground. The old man pony turned to run but it was too late! He had missed the late showing of his favourite program, Doctor Hooves. Oh well there was nothing else for him to do now but stick around and see how this turned out. It was actually quite funny to watch as there hadn’t been any rain in quite some time leaving the ground pretty hard. So watching the purple hoof flail around to no avail was like watching a giant purple dild.. I mean worm.
Just then the ground began glowing a tinge of purple and then exploded. As the dust and clumps of dirt settled there standing in what was left of the grave was… was nothing? *Twilight? Twilight where are you? Here Twi Twi Twi!*
“Oh hey guys what’s up?” Asked zombie Twilight as she trotted on over from the toilets. Where were you? I was trying to give you a dramatic introduction!
“Oh sorry.” Twilight said trying to look innocent. “It was just being buried for a week without being able to use the little filly’s room can leave a pony busting!”
Well I guess that is fair enough. Just try to ask next time ok?
“Don’t tell me what I can and can’t do!” shouted Twilight
Ok listen here Twilight! You are a fictional pony owned by Hasbro and you are in my fan fiction so I actually can!
“All that you are going to make me do” Started Twilight with a superior tone “is make me get into some kind of sexual situation with another one of my friends so you can clop to us!”
Hey! That’s not tr.. (Thinks back to the cookie jar part of this story) It was then I realized I was having an argument with myself and I was losing…. Sanity I still got it!!
So there in what was left of the grave stood a now zombified looking Twilight Sparkle! (Where she should have been in the first place)
“Fear me mortal pony for I have risen from the dead to seek my revenge upon those responsible for death!” Bellowed zombie Twilight. (Little did Twilight know the only person that was responsible for her death, Spike, had over dosed on sapphire cupcakes and died 2 days ago) It was then she noticed that our earlier argument had caused the old man pony to fall asleep which in turn him to choke on the rest of his muffin and die. (There! That should teach children to pick up food that has been on the ground) Now Twilight was completely alone in the grave yard which allowed her to set her evil plans in motion!
*Fast forward to Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy pulling up outside Cheerilee’s manor*
The two ponies got their equipment out of their van and trotted on over to the front door of the mansion. Before Dash could even reach up to knock on the door, the head of a yellow haired pony burst through the middle of it. Splinted chunks of wood were sent everywhere causing Fluttershy and Dash to avert their gaze.
“HI RAINBOW DASH!” Yelled Derp Hooves.
Still recovering from the shock Dash finally managed to catch her breath.
“Derpy! You really need to be more careful.” She said.
“SORRY RAINBOW DASH I JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT WENT WRONG!” Exclaimed Derpy in her clumsy tone. “MISS CHEERILEE IS IN THE LOUNGE WITH PINKIE PIE WAITING FOR YOU!”
Trust Pinkie thought Dash to herself. She’s part of the team and never shows up to work yet still gets to jobs ahead of us. Typical.
The door then swung open with Derpy still stuck in it and Fluttershy and Dash Trotted inside. They opened the door to the lounge and were greeted by bellowing clouds of strange smoke. As it cleared two figures could be made out sitting on the couch.
“oh girls! Nice of you to finally join us!” Joked Cheerilee.
Rainbow Dash blushed with a little embarrassment for she was normally quite fast.
“Sorry Miss Cheerilee.” Said Dash with a slight squee to her tone. “It was just we were held up by one of those stupid flashbacks to help set up the back story to this terrible piece of work he has the cheek to call a fan fiction!” *HEY! (Dash glared at me)*
“That’s quite alright girls.” Said Miss Cheerilee Sheen. “Pinkie and I were just doing a couple of lines and enjoying the company of these lovely male stallions.” Gesturing to the half-naked stripper colts behind them. This made Fluttershy and Dash turn bright red. Cheerilee noticed this immediately and with a clap of her hooves sent the sexy stallions out of the room.
“Alright to work.” She said.
Rainbow and Fluttershy nodded having regained composure.
“Where is she this time?” Asked Dash.
“Oh somewhere on the upper floors although this time she is causing an awful racket which in unusual for her.” Started Cheerilee.
As the three of them were almost out of the lounge door,
“What about Pinkie?” Inquired Fluttershy glancing back to the couch where the pink pony still sat with one of her obnoxious smiles plastered on her face, her big eyes glazed over and a white substance all over her nose.
“Oh don’t worry about her dear.” Laughed Cheerilee. “She’ll snap out of it soon enough and join us.”
They had only made it to the landing when a disturbance was heard outside. Cheerilee grabbed her shotgun from the umbrella stand and they opened the front door.
“MISS CHEERILEE!”
One of the stallions from before came running up the steps to meet them.
“IT’S NEIL PATRICK HORSE AGAIN!” He said in a very scared voice. “HE’S BRANDED ANOTHER ONE OF US!” and with that the stallion fainted.
Just then a figure bolted from around the side of the manor galloping as fast as it could. The figure turned its head around to face the three ponies on the stairs.
“DUH WHINNYING!” He yelled as he ran.
“YOU SON OF A BITCH! THAT’S MY LINE!” Screamed Cheerilee Sheen as she fired off a couple of shells in the direction of the fleeing creature but to no avail.
After Cheerilee had calmed down the three went back inside and up to the second floor. It was then they heard the noise Cheerilee was talking about before. A dull THUMP…squeak…THUMB…squeak…THUMP sound was coming from the end of the long hallway. As they got closer the thumps got louder and louder. Fluttershy along with the rest of the group were getting scared now. Dash held her equipment so tightly ready to use it that she was losing feelings in her hoof.
“Ummm hello? Is that you?” Whispered Fluttershy so softly the other two didn’t hear her over the incessant thumping.
It wasn’t long before they had isolated the source of the noise. The three stopped outside the door shaking. There was a weird assortment of numbers and letters on the door in big faded brass characters.
“I 1 2 4 Q” Fluttershy read out loud.
Dash snickered at this and though to herself maybe later.
With the three shaking in their non-existent boots Cheerilee reached for the handle and slowly opened the door. Just then a big scary monster burst through the door, yelled “Ooga booga!” and gobbled everyone up. The End…. *Hey! You’re not getting out of reading this that easily!* As I was saying they slowly opened the door and was greeted by a rather loud,
“HI AGAIN RAINBOW DASH!”
Derpy Hooves was sitting on the floor in the middle of the empty room attempting to eat a rubber squeaky toy muffin.
“DERPY!” Yelled Rainbow Dash. “You scared us half to death and for some of us maybe even more.” Looking back at Fluttershy who had fainted and was now lying on her back with all four hooves up in the air.
“You really need to be more quite Derpy!” Said Miss Cheerilee.
“But it wasn’t me!” Exclaimed Derpy who the proceeded to point her hoof to the corner of the room. There sat Sweetiebell just repeatedly banging her head against the wall. ‘THUMP..THUMP..THUMP’
“Hey dictionary! Cut that out called Dash.
It was then Sweetiebell stopped and her head swivelled 180 degrees to face the three ponies. Her face had a rather menacing smile plastered on it and her large eyes just stared at them unblinking. The three shivered as her piercing glance shot right through them to their soul. The Sweetiebell turned away without a word and continued to thump her head on the wall. Cheerilee leaned over and whispered to the girls that Sweetie had not quite been the same since what had happened. The three then slowly backed out of the room.
“CYA LATER RAINBOW DASH!” Was heard from behind them as they closed the door. Well that was weird thought Fluttershy.
“Hey Cheerilee.” Said Dash. “I thought you said she was here again?”
“She was! I saw her this morning.” Exclaimed Cheerilee.
“Why didn’t we just use this in the first place?” Dash thought to herself as she called out to Fluttershy. “Hey Flutters! Just use your equipment to locate her will you?”
Another reason Fluttershy despised Rainbow Dash was she absolutely hated the nickname ‘Flutters’. Oh when she finally got her revenge it would be sweet! She thought to herself.
“Sure thing Dashie!” Fluttershy grumbled as she got out her state of the art ghost tracking equipment and by state of the art ghost tracking equipment I mean she got out her Apple iJack and opened up the ghost tracking app they had got for free on the Apple store from the free app a day program. *Hey! The recession had hit Ponyville too!*
It wasn’t long before they had located her whereabouts. She was in the master bedroom which was typical of her thought Dash. They got there and opened the door. They got on the floor… only because Fluttershy had tripped on her own tail and proceeded to knock the other two down with her. After they stood up they looked around the room and fair enough there she was.
Ghost Rarity or ‘Scarity’ as she liked to be called now was floating in front of a floor length mirror admiring herself. *Now let me explain to you as to why Rarity has become a ghost. A long time ago in a part of Equestria far far away that wasn’t that long ago or that far away. Anyway it was just after Spike had exploded Twilight all over Ponyville that Rarity had started to wear Twilight’s brain on her head as she though it would be the next big thing in fashion. It wasn’t long before she was arrested and tried for insanity but was later let go on the fact that Twilight’s brain did indeed become the next big thing in the world of fashion and Photo Finish wore an outfit made completely out of it to the Oscars.
Although Rarity’s freedom didn’t last for long as she was later tried and convicted of being a marshmallow and sentenced to death by being made into smores. It was when evil Zombie Twilight had risen from the dead and vowed to seek revenge on the ponies of Ponyville that she had used dark magic (Not the kind of ‘Dark’ magic that could be used to steal your bike… inb4 racist) to bring back to life all the deadponies all over Ponyville in either the form of a ghost or a zombie. And this is why Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash had formed a pony version of the Ghostbusters and dedicated their lives to fighting crime and the forces of evil!! Fluttershy, commander and squeer. Pinkie, she is the joy and laughter. Rainbow Dash, she is the fastest flyer. Ponypuffs save the day! Fighting ghosts, trying to save Equestria, here they come just in time, the Ponypuff girls!
*Sorry got carried away there*
Anyway so there she was admiring herself in the floor length mirror when the three ponies burst into the room.
“RARITY!” Yelled Rainbow Dash. I thought I told you last time! Just cause you are a ghost now does not mean you can just move into other pony’s houses without permission!”
“But Rainbow my dear” Started Rarity without even turning around. “My house’s fashion is sooo last lifetime and since I am the most fabulous ghost around I think I should have the best house in Ponyville which just so happens to be this one!”
Dash sighed. “Whatever you say oh great and fabulous Scarity.” Said Dash sarcastically. “But whatever you do you ain’t gunna be staying here!”
“Are you going to leave quietly this time or are we going to have to get the vacuum out again?” Joked Dash.
The other two laughed. Rarity just spun around and glared at them with discontent mixed with disgust in her eye.
“FINE YOU BABBARIANS!” She exclaimed and floated through the wall in a huff.
Life hadn’t exactly been a smoke and a pancake for Rarity recently. With her being made into smores and randomly coming back to life as a ghost wasn’t bad enough but now her once best friends treated her like last week’s fashion. She could no longer make dresses (Of all the worst possible things!) either because of being unable to pick up anything due to being a ghost and all so there wasn’t much left for her to live for. But then she realized that she wasn’t alive so she just laughed it off.
As she continued to float down the main street of Ponyville she suddenly halted. Ahead of her was a large cloud of strange smoke. Rarity could barely see anything at all as the smoke engulfed her. All of a sudden the smoke began to form a dome around her. She started to faintly see a purple sparkly figure in front of her.
“Twilight? Is that you?” She called.
As the smoke cleared even more it revealed to be a cardboard cut-out of Edward Cullen with real working sparkles.
“well I was sort of right with my guess.” Chuckled Rarity.
It couldn’t have been Twilight Sparkle because she was dea…. Just then a bellowing voice came from behind Rarity.
“RARITY!” It called.
Rarity spun around and came face to face with Twilight Sparkle.
“TWILIGHT!” Rarity said in surprise. “I thought you were dead!”
“You’re looking…” Rarity glanced her up and down noticing part of her head was missing and there were random holes in her body you could see straight through.
“You’re looking FABULOUS!” (Since Rarity knew Swiss fashion was very ‘in’ right now and Twilight reminded her of a purple block of Swiss cheese)
Twilight just stood there saying nothing. A few minutes past and after a few failed attempts at striking up a conversation Rarity was beginning to feel uncomfortable.
“Umm Twilight dear I’m just going to leave now.” She said. But was interrupted by Twilight starting to violently foaming at the mouth.
“Twilight dear?”
Twilight the started to vibrate up and down much like Pinkie Pie did when she was excited. The sight of the purple unicorn vibrating reminded her of one of her ‘toys’ back home. *Wink wink nudge nudge*
Just then massive amounts of the strange smoke began leaving Twilight’s body and once it stopped her body fell to the ground.
“IT’S YOU! Don’t try and lie to me I know it’s your character!” Shouted Luna. (Oh by the way we are on the moon now just incase you didn’t realize)
“That’s right!” Said insanity prawnboy.
“But I thought you said it wasn’t? Asked Luna.
“That!”
“What is that?”
“That’s right!”
“What is right?”
“That is right! I am insanity prawnboy and I am on the moon!”
“Oi! You two! Keep your voices down or you’ll wake up moon Hitler again!” Said the Toast King.
“But he’s cheating in our game of Guess Who!” Whined Luna.
“He cheats in every game.” Sighed the Toast King.
“That’s right!” Called insanity prawnboy as he rolled away.
“It’s just so boring on the moon! Hardly anyone comes to visit.” Sighed Luna.
“Tell me about it!” Said the Toast King. “I wish there was a way to leave.”
Just then insanity prawnboy came back rolling a strange object.
“Is that a rocketship?” Inquired both Luna and the Toast King.
“NO! It’s a big fat dooby!” Yelled insanity prawnboy.
“No that looks like a rocketship to me.” Said the Toast King.
“We can finally go home!” Thought Luna who was now very excited.
“Well this at least makes up for ruining our chance to catch a ride with that nice made and his dog who visited the other week!” Said the Toast King.
“They tried to take my CHEESE!” Yelled insanity prawnboy.
“The whole moon is made of cheese you idiot! Plus you blew them up!”
“That’s right!”
It was just then Luna noticed that the dialogue in this story had substantially increased.
THE DIALOGUE HAS BEEN DOUBLED!
Meanwhile back in Ponyville.
“NO! NO IT CAN’T BE! NOT YOU!” Screamed Rarity.
Oh but it was. It was the smoke monster from the TV show ‘Lost’!
For you see when the remains of Twilight were buried in the Indian burial ground it wasn’t the dark magic that brought her back to life and made her evil, it was the evil smoke monster!
Damn! Rarity thought to herself as she realized that she wasn’t sure whether she had checked the stove was off before she left the house. And also damn because she could never stand to watch a full episode of ‘Lost’ so she had no idea how to stop the smoke monster or if the people in the show were even able to. She had much preferred to watch the ‘Jersey Shore’ with such relatable real world characters like Snooki. Anyway just then the smoke monster lurched forwards towards Rarity and she let out an ear piercing scream! Except everything was interrupted by the sound of a road crossing. Both the smoke monster and Rarity stopped what they were doing and turned their heads to see Scootaloo crossing the road. Why was that chicken crossing the road? There was just no logical reason as to why because there was nothing on the other side of the road. The smoke monster and Rarity just looked at each other and shrugged and continued what they were doing.
The smoke monster jumped at Rarity and disappeared inside of her. At first she felt no different, then amazingly she turned back from a ghost into a normal pony and fell to the ground with a thud from where she had been previously floating. She then felt very weird. Her stomach was upset and then it all stopped. She let out a massive fart. Rarity thought to herself.
“Toilet humour? Really? This guy must really be running out of ideas and lets just face the fact that girls never fart!”
Just then she felt weird again and started to grow at an alarming rate. She felt her body changing shape as well. It wasn’t long before there stood a 200 foot tall Staypuff the Marshmallow pony!
Just then back on the ground the unconscious was starting to awaken.
“NO! SPIKE! I DIDN’T SAY WHAT WHAT IN THE BUTT!” Screamed Twilight whose eyes then shot open and she stood bolt upright.
She then calmed down realizing it was only a wet dream. Where was she? She thought to herself. She then turned around and came face to face with an army of zombie ponies! Twilight screamed, turned around and bolted, galloping away as fast as her dildo-esque legs could carry her!
“Dashie! Don’t cross the streams!” Said Fluttershy. But Dash just laughed.
The toilets flushed as Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy appeared out of the bathrooms in McDonalds.
“You are disgusting Dashie!” Sighed Fluttershy.
“Tell me something I don’t know!” Yelled Dash as she shook her wet hooves in Fluttershy’s face.
Fluttershy just grumbled something about revenge. After buying a couple of Big Mac burgers the two ponies were happily trotting down the road eating them until they saw a sad looking Applebloom on the side of the road.
“YO Applebloom what’s wrong?” Called out Dash.
Applebloom sighed and told them that her and Scootaloo were so hungry so Scootaloo had gone off to get them some food from KFC but hadn’t returned and now she was starving. The two ponies felt sorry for poor Applebloom and gave her one of their burgers. Having never tried one before Applebloom cried out in ecstasy as the taste of Big Mac touched her tongue. She absolutely loved it especially the special Big Mac secret sauce. (Ok there is a special in Hell just waiting for me)
It wasn’t long after saying goodbye to Applebloom that Pinkie Pie showed up out of nowhere and re-joined the group. Just then the three ponies were knocked to the ground when a spooked purple pony had run right into them.
“Hey! Watch where you are going!” Yelled Dash.
“TWILIGHT!” They all gasped as they saw who had run into them.
“We thought you were dead!”
“I was dead?” Asked Twilight confused.
“You still look dead to me!” Giggled Pinkie holding up a mirror for Twilight to see herself that she had pulled from nowhere.
Twilight gasped as she was her own reflection.
“Twilight?” Interupted Fluttershy in her quiet voice. “Why exactly were you running just before?”
Just then they all turned around to see the army of un-dead ponies! They all screamed except for Pinkie who screamed in excitement.
“YAY! New friends!” She yelled as she galloped on over to them.
Luckily they were the type of Zombies that were incredibly dumb like the writer of this fan fic. Pinkie immediately tried to get one to eat a cupcake. She forsed the cupcake into its mouth.
“And now you chew like this.” She said grabbing the head of the zombie and making chewing actions with its mouth.
“Now you tilt your head back like this and let the cupcake slide down your throat hole.”
“Yay! Good boy.” Pinkie giggled.
The zombie pony proceeded to choke on the cupcake and fall down dead once more.
“PINKIE PIE GET YOUR PINK ASS BACK HERE BEFORE YOU GET BITTEN!” Yelled the others from a distance. And by ‘the others’ I mean Rainbow Dash, Twilight and Fluttershy not the others from ‘Lost’.
“Oki doki loki!” Yelled Pinkie Pie as she bounced back on over.
But before she had got even halfway back the ground began to shake. THUMP THUMP THUMP went the ground shaking it so much it knocked the ponies off their hooves.
There standing in front of them was the 200 foot tall Staypuff the Marshmallow pony!
“Oh my!” Fluttershy squeaked before fainting with all four hooves up in the air again.
Pinkie instantly recognised the marshmallow monster as Rarity. During Rarity’s trail she had made a Pinkie promise to everypony in the courtroom that she was in fact not a marshmallow and everyone believed her and she was almost set free if it hadn’t been for all the Rarity hating bronies that made up the jury.
“RARITY!” Screamed Pinkie. “YOU PINKIE PROMISED YOU WEREN’T A MARSHMALLOW AND NOW LOOK AT YOU!”
The pink pony started to rise into the air as her anger grew. The other ponies back on the ground had never seen her like this before.
“Must be the side effects of the cocaine she had at Cheerilee Sheen’s house.” Dash whispered to Twilight.
With a flash of bright light Pinkie’s hair turned bright yellow and spiked itself up like any stereotypical Anime character. She had reached pony Super Saiyan level 4!
“YOU DO NOT BREAK A PINKIE PROMISE!” Pinkie bellowed and with that she started to charge a spirit bomb. A few episodes later Pinkie finally fired the attack but in all good spirits of Dragonball Z tradition the attack missed. All this just angered Staypuff the Marshmallow Pony and with one big swing of its fabulous marshmallowy arm it collided with the floating Pinkie sending her flying across Ponyville finally crashing into and breaking the whole fourth wall of Cheerilee’s manor.
Meanwhile in the real world Mike Litoris had finally had enough. For his whole childhood he had been made fun of for his name. He had not exactly had the easiest family life either but it was the events that had happened today that had pushed him over the edge. He was rushing as he was late to work today and accidently ran over his dog. When he finally got to work his best and only friend who also happened to be his co-worker thought it would be funny to send him a link to lemonparty.org and disguise it as an important file. Mike had opened the trick link just as his boss walked behind him. So he lost his job and his only friend. Then when he got home he found a note that his girlfriend had left him for their sexy gardener, Rodriguez.
So here he was standing atop the highest bridge he could find in the middle of a terrible thunder and lightning storm. All the rain pouring down on him had made Mike Litoris incredibly wet. His only dream in life was to own his own home, have a loving wife and two beautiful children but he realized that was a shattered dream now. Because of all the rain on his face you couldn’t tell whether he was crying or not.
“Well this is it.” He said to himself as he was about to jump.
Just then a rogue bolt of lightning came down from the sky nearly hitting him. This startled him enough that he lost his footing and fell towards the icy river below.
He awoke a few minutes later and realized he had fell and landed on a garbage barge that had been floating down the river at the time.
“That’s it!” He thought to himself. “Someone wants me alive so I will never give on my dream! Never!”
*Many years later*
There he was sitting on the side of the street in a cardboard box begging people that passed for money for alcohol and his drug addictions…Oh sorry I’m not talking about Mike! Oh no! I was just talking about Justin Bieber’s life after fame! Pffft kidding! He’ll be dead before he’s 30!
Oh you still want to hear about Mike? No? Too bad! Well on his way home from that night he felt lucky so he bought himself a lotto ticket. The girl serving him was really beautiful and took a fancy to him right away and wrote her number down on the back of the ticket. Needless to say the ticket was a winner for the jackpot!
So here is Mike now in an expensive house with a loving wife and two beautiful daughters. He also became CEO of Hasbro and makes millions each year. Today he got off work so he wanted to spend it with his family. So there he sat on the couch snuggled up to his wife and daughters to watch the premiere of a new kids show his company recently made. He smiled to himself knowing he was finally living the dream he always wanted. He then changed the channel to the show.
Just as the channel changed a pink blur burst through the screen sending shards of glass everywhere. It shot across the lounge towards them at alarming speed and struck Mike and his family in their heads instantly decapitating them in a swift moment.
*THAT’S WHAT YOU GET YOU CORPORATE SONS OF BITCHES FOR GIVING INTO SKANK ASS SOCCER MUMS AND CHANGING DERPY!!!! BURN IN HELL ASSWHOLES!!!!.....I mean squee?...* (Oh god please done sue me Hasbro!!!  I didn’t mean it!)
Anyway back in Ponyville the battle was raging on. Not really seeing as this is where it left off… Anyway after seeing Pinkie Pie get owned like that it made Fluttershy get mad!
“NOBODY HURTS MY FRIENDS!” She yelled and charged right at the Staypuff pony.
Although she seemed to not be going anywhere. She turned around and saw Dash holding her tail.
“Whoa there Flutters! Calm yo tits! There ain’t no way you could possibly hope to take it on by yourself!” said Dash.
“You’re right Dashie. Sorry I over reacted.” Whimpered Fluttershy who had now calmed her tits.
“Stand back girls!” Called out Twilight. “I’m going to try use my magic to banish it!” But before she could finish she was interrupted by 3 blue ponies.
“Oh Twilight!” They called out together. “You would never have enough power in your pathetic body to banish anything!”
With that they turned to the monster and said “Oh Staypuff the Marshmallow pony prepare yourself to be banished by the great and powerful Dixie chicks!”
For you see after Trixie had escaped Ponyville after causing all that trouble with the Ursa Major she began dabbling in dark magic and one day a spell had gone horribly wrong while country music was playing on the radio and here we are.
Twilight knew that Trixie wasn’t powerful enough even with three of her and would most likely make things worse.
“Trixie stop!” Yelled Twilight but it was too late.
Trixie had used a copyrighted name and suddenly a group of lawyers popped up from nowhere, grabbed the three Trixies and dragged them towards the Ponyville courthouse. But Trixie had time to fire one spell at the marshmallow pony.
At first it appeared to have done nothing but suddenly Staypuff began to grow once more and now reached the height of 300 feet tall!
“WAY TO GO BITCH!” Yelled Fluttershy after her.
Dash and Twilight just looked at each other in confusion by her second sudden outburst of aggression.
Dash thought for a second the yelled to Fluttershy to use the ‘Ghostbusters’ app! Fluttershy once again got out her Apple iJack and opened up the app. Fluttershy then pointed the device at the giant marshmallow and pressed the button. Instantly a glowing beam shot out of it and struck the marshmallow pony in the plot. A huge chunk of marshmallow was blown out ruining the monster pony’s plot much like how I have ruined the plot to this story. Wait! That means the plot was good to start with? Yeah… no.
But the beam was working! It was shrinking the Staypuff pony quite fast. All was going according to plan until up popped on the Apple iJack’s screen was that the app needed to update and in the heat of things Fluttershy’s hoof had brushed the accept button. The glowing beam seemed to change colour and the Marshmallow pony began to grow again.
“Fluttershy! What’s going on?” Yelled Dash.
“Umm Dashie it’s going through an update.” Whimpered Fluttershy.
“Well that won’t take long will it?” Asked Dash.
“B-b-but Apple’s terms and conditions have changed.” Stuttered Fluttershy.
“Well just hurry up and accept them!” Yelled Dash.
“But umm what if they have something in it now that we don’t agree with now?” Asked Fluttershy.
“I DON’T CARE! JUST ACCEPTED IT! Screamed Dash now losing patience.
“NO!” Said Fluttershy.
“GIVE IT TO ME!”
“NO!”
As the two ponies fought over it, the beam was now spinning and hitting all sorts of things in Ponyville and destroying them. Just the Lyra and Bon Bon were just leaving their house to go have their daily sit on a park bench somewhere in Ponyville. Bon Bon came out of the front door first and did not see the beam coming straight for her. Lyra did however.
“BON BON NOOO!” Lyra yelled as she dived at her friend knocking her to safety but in turn getting hit by the beam herself. Lyra was flung to the ground and Bon Bon ran over to see if she was ok.
“LYRA!” Screamed Bon Bon with tears in her eyes. “ARE YOU OK?”
Lyra propped herself up with her hooves but the ground where she touched felt weird. She looked down at her hooves and to her shock they were no longer there! They had been replaced with… with hands? Lyra’s whole body now filled with excitement. This was the moment she had waited for her entire life! She had always dreamed of this and now it had finally become a reality!
Sadly however Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash were still fighting over the Apple iJack with the beam coming out of it and Lyra hadn’t noticed the beam coming back around. And like that her hands had once again been replaced with hooves.
It was at this moment the beam finally came to a stop. The screen read ”Battery depleted, please connect to iFarm to charge.”
“Way to go Flutters!” Said Dash in a rude tone.
“Sorry.” Cried Fluttershy.
But as it just so turned out Apple’s new terms and conditions stated that they use the slave labour of small bunny rabbits which is strictly against the rules of Ponyville. So thanks to Fluttershy the group will now be using the Samsung Galaxy Tab for the remainder of this story. (If I don’t get sued for any of this it’s going to be a bloody miracle!)
They were all out of ideas now and Staypuff the marshmallow pony was considerably pissed for having a large chunk of it’s plot destroyed. It looked like it was the end of the line for the three until Twilight pointed to the sky and saw a glittering object hurtling towards them.
*Meanwhile on that glittering object hurtling towards them*
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN THIS ISN’T A ROCKETSHIP?!”
“That’s right!”
“So you’re telling us this isn’t a rocketship but rather another V2 rocket you stole from moon Hitler?
“That’s right! I am insanity prawnboy and I am on a rocket!”
“We hate you.” Said Luna and the Toast King together.
The V2 rocket was hurtling towards the Staypuff pony and there was not a single chance it could miss. It missed.
The three ponies only just had time to get to cover. The V2 rocket hit town-hall finishing it off thanks to the already accidental damage it had sustained from Derpy. Luna’s magic was able to save insanity prawnboy and herself but it looked like the Toast King was well toast! Not really he survived too but his crust colour was a bit more dark making him feel even more regal.
Anyway they were safe but their belongings were now scattered all over Ponyville. The Toast King’s most prized possession, his ‘wooden toaster’, rolled to a stop directly below Rainbow Dash. This gave Dash an idea but they had to work fast while the marshmallow pony was distracted. She got Twilight to enchant the toaster making whatever temperature it was on an extreme version of that temperature. She then flew off to distract Staypuff leaving Fluttershy the job of placing the magical toaster directly beneath Staypuff to melt it.
Everything was going according to plan. The monster was distracted and Fluttershy was now in place but had only now noticed the power gauge of the toaster had been damaged in the crash.
Rainbow Dash landed on the nearest rooftop she could find.
“OK FLUTTERSHY TURN IT UP TO FULL POWER!” Screamed Rainbow Dash.
“But umm I don’t think it will umm w…. but before Fluttershy had a chance to finish her sentence it was too late.
Staypuff the marshmallow pony saw where Dash had landed and swung its marshmallowy hoof at her. The roof exploded sending splinted shards and asphyxiating dust in every direction. The last thing Dash remembered was a lot of strange smoke then everything faded to black.
A few seconds earlier Fluttershy had saw Dash get hit, panicked and turned the broken toaster’s dial the wrong way and flew over to see if Dash was ok. The broken toaster started to emit a lot of strange smoke like that of the evil smoke monster that had caused Rarity to turn into this killer marshmallow. The new strange smoke seemed to be absorbed by Staypuff only making it bigger and more powerful.
Fluttershy was able to catch Dash as her unconscious body was flung off the roof. Fluttershy landed next to Twilight who had also been knocked out by a piece of debris from the roof. This was really the end. There was no way Fluttershy could take on the Staypuff pony all by herself. She burst into tears.
Through her tear stained eyes she could make out a strange creature she had never seen in Ponyville before. It appeared to be a… large prawn? And it was holding something above it’s head?
There below the massive marshmallow pony soot insanity prawnboy holding Sweetiebell.
“Look I found a kitty!” He said.
Before Fluttershy had a chance to yell out for him to change the setting on the toaster he dropped what he was holding and rolled away. Sweetiebell landed with a thud and quickly sat up having been snapped out of her trance. She was what was happening with Fluttershy yelling instructions and the toaster in front of her. She quickly changed the setting from 20 % cooler to 20 % hotter and ran for it.
The toaster then started to rumble and flames started to shoot out of it. It was now that the Staypuff marshmallow pony noticed it’s skin starting to bubble and within a few seconds the marshmallow pony exploded!
Once again the town of Ponyville was caked in the remains of one of the mane 6.
“I guess you could say they were…… saved by the ‘bell’!” Yelled Horse-ratio Caine who then just galloped off and eloped with Neil Patrick Horse.
Just then both Twilight and Rainbow Dash regained conscious just in time to see the evil smoke monster appear again but then just fade away. Little did they know a tiny bit of the evil smoke had gone inside Fluttershy since she was the only conscious pony back then.
It wasn’t long before out of the settling dust where the monster had once stood came a pink pony trotting happily holding a tray of cupcakes in her mouth.
“PINKIE PIE! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?” They all called out.
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you!” She giggled. She then proceeded to give everyone a cupcake.
“Hey Pinkie!” Called out Dash. “These cupcakes taste different. What’s in them?”
“It’s a secret!” Giggled Pinkie again this time with a snort.
“Oh Pinkie Pie you so random!” Laughed Dash and all the other ponies joined in with the laughter.
Except for Sweetiebell who had now realized he had played the major part in exploding her sister and fell back into her psychotic trance.
Fluttershy then handed them all a cup of apple cider and when Rainbow Dash took a sip and Fluttershy burst out in maniacal laughter. Instantly Dash knew something was wrong as the liquid had tasted strange!
“Fluttershy what have you done?”
“Well you see Dashie I have grown tired of you treating me so badly but I forgave you. But there was just something I could never forgive you for. NEVER CALL ME FLUTTERS! But I’m sorry Dashie it just had to be done.” Said Fluttershy.
“FLUTTERSHY WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!” Repeated Dash scared now as she dropped her cup of cider to the ground.
“Well Dashie you see I… I… I… gave you diet cider when you asked for regular! Said Fluttershy.
*YOU MONSTER!!! Yelled some random background pony that no one could give two stuffs about if they changed their voice*
Dash looked puzzled for a second then burst out laughing!
“HAHAHAHA Good one Flutters!” Joked Dash as the rest of the ponies also began to laugh again.
All this embarrassment cased the last bit of the evil smoke monster to abandon Fluttershy leaving her confused as to why everyone was laughing.
Just then there was a flash of bright light and there stood Princess Celestia. The reason she hadn’t shown up before hand was because she had been too bust clopping to fan made rule 34 of herself.
She then used her magic to Bring Rarity back to life and turn Twilight back into a normal pony. But she also noticed how much of a mess they had made of Ponyville again so she banished them all to the moon. And due to their being no oxygen on the moon even with Fluttershy’s efforts of photosynthesis they all died! Apart from Applejack who was too bust having sex with relatives to be in this terrible story! The End…….
Hasbro Employer: “And that’s your idea for next week’s episode?”
Me: “Eeyup!”
Hasbro Employer: “Pardon my French but that is the worst piece of shit I have ever read! And this is for kids how?”
Me: “Well it teaches a valuable lesson!”
Hasbro Employer: “And what exactly is that?”
Me: “Always read the terms and conditions when you update anything?”
Hasbro Employer: ”…..BY GOD! THAT’S BRILLIANT!!! Welcome aboard to the writing team!
(It was then Applebloom appeared from nowhere, kicked me in the nuts and told me that was for making it sounds sexual between her and her brother. She then filed a lawsuit against me and won!)
Moral of the story: Mess with Applebloom and she will fuck your shit up!