Applejack laid down her camping gear in the living room. Pinkie Pie bounced into the house behind her, dropping a sleeping bag on the floor.
"That was great," Pinkie yelled, "There were the smores, and the singing, and the campfire. Though I guess that was obvious by the smores. Can't make smores without a campfire. Unless you have a butane torch like Pipe Down. But he doesn't use it for smores, he uses it for that gross pipe of his. I guess it makes sense though, because of his name. Actually lots of ponies have hobbies that have to do with-"
Applejack simply tuned Pinkie out. There was no need to be listening to this mess. She could just nod at the end of it, and Pinkie would be just as happy as ever. Applejack looked at Pinkie, preparing to nod. She found herself staring at her friend's flank, but not for a perverted reason.
"Pinkie, stop hopping for a sec'." Applejack looked closer. "You have a tick."
"A tic?" Pinkie asked, "But only nervous ponies get tics, and I'm the most serene pony I know. Well, no, serene is the wrong word, but I only get a tic when I overdose on sugar." Pinkie's eye twitched. "Those smores were good."
"No, Pinkie," Applejack sighed, "A tick? Little bloodsucker? Y'know?"
Pinkie Pie looked on her legs. "Where?"
"Your, uhm." Applejack. "No-no square."
"Applejack," Pinkie Pie, "What's a no-no square? Is that like an area other ponies shouldn't touch? Because there's only one place-"
Pinkie Pies eyes widened. She ran around the living room, screaming.
"Stop that!" Applejack yelled.
"Get it off," Pinkie screamed while galloping, "Get it off!"
"Fine." Applejack grabbed her. "We'll just go over to the library, get Twilight-"
"No!" Pinkie Pie objected, "If we do that then everyone will see it and think that I'm a dirty pony. And if they think I'm a dirty filthy pony then they'll think my parties are filthy and dirty. Then no one will come to my parties."
"Alright." Applejack walked behind her. "Just hold still."
Applejack looked away and ran her hoof down Pinkie. She peered out of the corner of her eye.
"Did I get it?" She asked.
"How should I know?" Pinkie wondered, "I can't look back there."
"Well, I don't want to look back there," Applejack slammed a hoof down on the floor, "Just. Just prop your legs on that chair, and ,uhm, tense up a little bit."
"Tense up?" Pinkie looked back at Applejack as she situated her forelegs on the chair.
"Your..." Applejack frowned, "Your no-no area."
Applejack closed her eyes and bared her teeth. Pinkie giggled.
"Don't do that!" Applejack yelled, "This is hard enough."
Pinkie Pie sputtered.
"If you're gonna be like that then you can just march over to Twilight," Applejack threatened, "Now be still."
Applejack leaned in and bit down.
"Y'know when I was your age we reserved that stuff for the hayloft," Granny Smith commented as she walked down the stairs, "Don't quite seem right to be rutting in the living room."
Applejack coughed and backed away from Pinkie.
"No, no, nonono." Pinkie Pie jumped off the chair, "I just had a tick and Applejack was helping me."
"Is that what they call it these days?" Granny Smith asked.
"Yes, I mean no," Pinkie Pie stammered, "Show her the tick Applejack, that'll get us out of this mess."
"I can't." Applejack's eyes began to tear up.
"Why not!" Pinkie Pie grabbed her.
"She surprised me," Applejack explained, "I swallowed it."
"You did what!" Pinkie Pie screamed.
"I didn't mean to," Applejack objected.
"Sure, sure," Granny Smith dismissed their denials, "When's the wedding?"
Applejack and Pinkie Pie looked at her.
"It's just a misunderstanding," Applejack objected, "Y'see, Pinkie Pie had a tick-"
"I don't want to hear about those new toys." Granny Smith raised a hoof. "When I was young all we had was spit for lube and a good length of finely sanded hickory for-"
Applejack covered her ears with her hat. Pinkie Pie's mouth dropped. Applejack uncovered her ears.
"-windmills for"
Applejack covered her ears again. Pinkie Pie began taking notes. Granny Smith continued for a while, and Pinkie Pie made faces, some of terror, others of intrigue. Granny Smith took a breath. Applejack uncovered her ears.
"Just good old fashioned rutting," Granny Smith finished, "You understand?"
"I," Applejack's ears burned. "I guess I understand as good as I ever will."
"Good." Granny Smith walked towards the door. "I'm certain Big Mac will be fine with officiating."
Applejack and Pinkie Pie looked at each other.
"Did I just agree to something?" Applejack asked.
Sweet Apple Acres was covered with guests. Every single one was dressed in their finest clothing. Rainbow Dash, Twilight, Rarity, and Fluttershy sat in the front row, holding up a banner to show support for their friends' nontraditional lifestyle. Applejack eyed them from the altar. They all smiled at her.
Big Macintosh had just finished his speech. It was the most any pony had ever heard him speak, and all would agree that every line was delivered beautifully. Pinkie Pie had already agreed to her vows, and all eyes were on Applejack. She sweated beneath her veil.
"I can't do this," She muttered under her breath.
Granny Smith cocked her shotgun.
"I do," Applejack breathed.
All eyes were now on Big Macintosh. He slapped a thick book shut. Everypony wondered what profound words of wisdom and love he would conclude with.
"Eeyup." He walked away from his podium. Everypony was moved.
Applejack escorted Pinkie Pie back down the aisle.
"So, Pinkie," She whispered to her friend, "How do you feel about annulments?"
Granny Smith fired a warning shot above their heads.
"Dead ponies can't eat cupcakes," Pinkie reasoned.
