PONI

by The Crimson Harbinger

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Random, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Main 6, Princess Luna, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 3226

UNSC ODST Kix awakes to find himself bound on an unknown planet. But stranger yet are his captors...

A Halo 3: ODST crossover.

When Kix, a UNSC ODST with taste for shotguns and a quirky sense of humor, awakens on an unknown planet, he finds himself surrounded by colorful talking ponies. Unfortunately, they all seem to dislike him. "What's wrong with me? I'm a perfectly likable guy! But when you tie a guy up for no discernible reason and try to interrogate him, things get said and feelings get hurt! Even though I kinda attacked one of their royalty. And temporarily held one of them hostage." --Kix.

Published 2014-04-26 23:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-10-10 21:36:03 UTC

Strange, Strange Times

UNSC ODST Kix groaned as he opened his eyes. The fall from orbit had been farther and rougher than he had expected, although the piece of the Covenant ship he had taken cover in had taken most of the fall. He slowly sat up and looked around. He was no longer in the purple shell, but in a dim, damp stone room with one door and a barred window, and he came to the conclusion that he had been captured by Covenant. He quickly got to his feet and looked for his trusty shotgun, but it was nowhere to be found, so he began to look for the next best thing: a way out. Once he was free, he could find a Covenant weapon rack or recover one from a fallen Covenant. He crept over to the door and peered out the barred window. Nothing. Excellent, he thought as he braced the door with his armored hands and with a powerful kick, sent the door skidding down the forsaken hallway. Not the quietest escape, but eventually the Covies would discover he was gone, and the sooner one did, the sooner he could get a weapon. Kix hid in the shadows, waiting for a patrol of Grunts, or better yet Elites, to come investigate, but what eventually came shocked the solider. For instead of Grunts and Elites, a patrol of colorful armored unicorns burst through the door and examined both the door and the cell. One of them, which Kix determined to be the commander, bark orders in fluent English to find him, or as he put it, find "it."

Now aware that, though cute, they were searching for him and could be hostile, he silently slipped from the shadows and out another door into the bright daylight. He found himself in what appeared to be a royal garden, and looked back towards his cell, from which he could hear the guard's shouting orders growing louder, and figured he'd stand a better chance in the gardens than out in the open. He ran for the vegetation, covering the distance with ease and slipped into the maze of flowers and hedges. He found an ideal location, just around a corner behind a hedge, next to which he crouched. Then he waited, all the while thinking of ways best to disarm one of the guards. Although it wasn't a shotgun or assault rifle that he desired, a spear could at least deter them from pursuing him further, or at least until he found out where he was.

He was deep in thought when he heard something approaching and snapped to attention. He would most likely only have one shot at this, so he had to time it just right, or he could blow it. The sound of hooves drew closer and he steadied himself. Just a bit closer, The sound of the approaching pony grew louder, Closer, His entire body tensed as he readied himself to attack, until the pony was almost right on top of him. NOW. He leapt from his hiding place and tackled the guard, pinning him to the ground. The struggle was over quickly as the pony, sensing it's defeat, stopped squirming and froze in fear. But Kix was also frozen as he looked at what he had just taken down. For it wasn't a guard that he held pinned, but a lavender unicorn. A female lavender unicorn, by the looks of it.

Realizing that she was of no use or threat to him, Kix quickly released her and stood up. The unicorn also struggled to it's hooves, and it was then that Kix noticed the wings folded to her side. Kix would've interrogated the alicorn if it hadn't been for the rainbow streak that whizzed out of nowhere and knocked him off his feet. Having taken many blows before, Kix quickly recovered and threw the new pony off of him. He was back on his feet now, and found himself staring down a very angry (and very colorful) pegasus. She scuffed at the dirt with her foreleg, and Kix made his hands into fists. They continued at this for another minute when, and  just as he was about to make his move, another colored streak whipped him off his feet and he found himself being looked down upon by a pink pony, who was either speaking a different tongue than the others or was just really really hyped up on sugar.

"Woah you're weird! I've never seen you before are you new? Oh my gosh you are!" She threw her forelegs in the air and confetti magically appeared from thin air.

"Pinkie!" The rainbow one barked.

"Yeah?" Pinkie landed and turned her attention from Kix to her, which was just what he needed. He jumped up and grabbed her, holding her as a hostage until he could get what he needed. But holding her proved to be more difficult than he expected.

"Hey!" Pinkie wrestled with his grip, "What's the big idea mister?!" He struggled to maintain his grip, which was rather surprising to him, as he was an ODST and she was just a little pony, and she eventually wiggled her way out of his arms and to her friends' sides. He regained himself and readied for another try when a beam of purple light shot from the alicorn's horn and hit him square in the chest. He stumbled, the shield alarm blaring in his ears, then fell to the ground unconscious.

...............................................................................................................................................................................................

Kix heard faint voices as he slowly drifted into the realm of consciousness for the second time today.

"What is it?" A new voice asked quietly as the colors swirled into view and Kix shook his head to clear his vision. He attempted to move, but found his hands and feet bound to a chair that was much too small for him.

"It's awake!" He recognized the voice as the rainbow pegasus calling to the others, which turned out to be quite a few. Now, instead of three, five wide-eyed ponies gathered around to get a look at him.

"What is it?" A yellow and pink one asked again.

"Why, I've never seen anything like it before," a white one said with a gleam in her eyes. "That attire is simply astounding!"

"Rarity," the rainbow pony scoffed, "it nearly killed Pinkie Pie!"

"True," Rarity glanced at Kix, "and I simply cannot believe that something so marvelously dressed could do such a horrible thing." She flipped her hair and trotted away from him to the other side of the room, leaving Kix in silence. He couldn't believe it. Here he was, a highly trained soldier, being held captive by a bunch of talking ponies. Talking ponies!

Maybe I hit my head during the fall, he thought, Yeah, that must be it! I'm crazy now, and I'm really locked up in some ONI cell. That has to be it. But as hard as he wished the ponies to disappear, they remained, and every second they stood there, every word they uttered, only convinced him more and more that this was real.

"Well it didn't nearly kill me," Pinkie said, rather enthusiastic, "I'd say it almost possibly injured me! But that leaves just one question," her tone grew serious (or as serious as it could possibly get) and the five turned towards him. "What are you?" Kix was almost tempted to answer when another voice spoke for him.

"He's a human." The lavender alicorn stood in a doorway with two other alicorns, one white and one dark blue, both with flowing manes and tails. Kix recognized her as the pony from the garden and the one that had knocked him out. He hadn't even realized that she had been absent.

"A what?" The five exclaimed in unison.

"A human," she answered again, "but I have no idea how it got here."

"Or what purpose this might serve." The white alicorn's horn glowed yellow and Kix's shotgun floated next to her, surrounded in the same color. "But I do believe that an explanation is order." Now all eight pairs of eyes were on him, waiting for him to speak.

"If it's an apology you want to hear, then you're gonna be disappointed." He spoke aloud. Eyes widened and jaws dropped upon hearing the words, and even the alicorns seemed a bit shocked. "Now just untie me and I'll be out of your hair. Or mane. Or whatever."

"I will release you," the white one said, appearing unphased by his words, "once you explain how you got here and why you attacked Twilight and Pinkie Pie."

"No can do Prism," he shook his head, "or at least not while I'm tied up like this."

"Very well, I shall untie you." Now Kix's jaw dropped.

"Say what?" He exclaimed in disbelief. Was she actually about to give in that easily?

"You said that you will not explain your actions until you have been untied," Her horn glowed and he felt the chains slacken and fall to the floor. Kix brought his hands around and stretched them.

"Just like new, eh?" He chuckled to himself.

"Indeed." The blue alicorn scoffed. "We have upheld our promise. Now it is time for you to uphold yours." Kix opened his hidden mouth to speak when he was (rudely) interrupted by screams from outside.

Great, he thought, now they'll think I did it. Whatever 'it' is. The alicorns glared at him, and he swore they were about to ignite their horns when a guard burst through the doors.

"Princess!" He bowed, "There is a creature approaching Canterlot!" A bloodcurdling roar filled the air, and Kix's face went white. He knew that sound all too well. He had heard it so many times in the streets of New Mombasa.

"Oh no," he sighed.

"What is it Human?" The white alicorn asked, turning back to him. "What do you know of this creature?"

"Hunters." He said. The thought of the aliens fuel rod cannon against the defenseless ponies half-sickened him. And if they were here, the rest of the surviving Covenant couldn't be too far behind.

"Pray tell, what are these 'Hunters'?" The blue one asked.

"Covenant." He replied, but when he saw his words provoked no response, he changed his answer to: "Aliens." He got his response.

The light-blue pegasus cracked up. The yellow pegasus bolted for cover. A smile formed on the orange one's face, and the pink one, whose name he had learned was Pinkie Pie, full-out laughed. The alicorns, however, did not seem amused.

"Well, since you seem to have prior experience with these beings," The white alicorn strode up to him and, even though she was a pony, towered over him. "You shall deal with it." She finished, thrusting his shotgun into his arms.

"Um, sure?" He raised an eyebrow. "But before I do," The ponies halted their exit. "Can y'all at least tell me your names? That would at least make all this a little less confusing." The white and blue alicorn met and held eyes for a few moments, then the white one spoke.

"Only after you have dealt with the alien." With that, she turned, and after ushering everyone out, slammed the door behind herself.

"Okay!" He called after them.

"Excuse me," Another guard came through the doors, "but I have been ordered to escort you out of the castle."

"Sure," He shrugged, "Lead the way." When I get back to ONI, he thought as he followed the pony out of the room, They really are gonna lock me up after I tell 'em this.

Covenant Arrival

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

To Save A Life...

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Questions and Answers

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Wreckage

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Hunters and Introductions

There are several things that one does not do when fighting a hunter. One of those is to engage one in close quarters, and right now, that's exactly what Kix was planning on doing. The streets were designed for ponies and were therefore narrower than those on Earth or in New Mombasa, so he figured that the beast would have trouble maneuvering in the tight streets. Or at least, that's what he was counting on. He would need every advantage if he hoped to beat the creature with minimal casualties and damage.

The reality was much different.

The hunter, crazed with anger and confusion, came barreling down the street, it's enormous shield shattering through the sides of the houses that lined the streets, tearing gaps that revealed the quivering ponies within and knocking over streetlamps foolish enough to stand in the wake of it's rampage. The hunter came to a halt as it reached the center of a circular plaza, and roared at a pair of ponies it spotted cowering behind the shrubs in the yard. Kix wondered if the hunter would actually try to engage the defenseless ponies when it raised it's shield and charged. When Kix realized it meant to crush the equines, he jumped into action. He leapt from his hiding place on top of one of the houses and after landing on the cobblestone streets, made a mad dash right for the hunter, which had it's back to him.

Crap, he thought as the hunter closed in on the ponies. He wouldn't make in time, so he devised a plan to get it's attention. And of course, that plan involved shouting random insults at the top of his lungs. The sudden noise caught the hunter by surprise and it's attack halted as it turned around just in time to see the ODST barreling towards it, as well as giving the two mares their chance to escape. The hunter roared and raised it's shield again, this time managing to complete it's attack, the shield barely missing Kix as it slammed into the street.

"Too slow!" Kix yelled, side -stepping the attack, and cocked his shotgun. Too close. The hunter roared in reply, and received a shotgun shell to the face. The beast moaned as it staggered backwards, orange blood spraying onto the pavement. Of course, it was merely a scratch to the enormous alien, and it screamed in outrage as it shook off the pain.

Having learned from it's previous failed attempts to crush it's enemies mercilessly beneath it's shield arm, the hunter instead raised it's heavy fuel rod cannon and pointed it right at Kix.

Kix saw the bright green glow a little too late, and was sent hurtling through the air as the ground beneath exploded into green fire. He landed feet from his original standing point, and his shotgun clattered to the ground, just out of his reach. Kix groaned as he saw stars, and attempted to pull himself together. The hunter, however, wasted no time with such things and charged at him, it's heavy feet denting the ground as it sprinted right for him.

Kix finally pulled himself together at the last moment. His hands lashed out for the shotgun, raised it defensively, and just as the hunter was upon him, pulled the trigger.

There was the sound of thunder as the pellets ripped through the hunter's neck, blowing through the worm-like hive and spraying Kix with bright orange blood. The hunter's body, lifeless but still keeping the momentum from it's charge, toppled down upon Kix.

"Eeewwww, gross." He said, shoving the body off himself. "And I just had this cleaned." He said disgusted, referring to his blood soaked armor. "Thanks for nothing, you big jerk." He scoffed, giving the deceased hunter a firm kick. He was rewarded with a wet squishing sound as his foot sunk deep into the hunter's stomach, coating his once black boot bright orange.

"Daw, come on!"

..................................................................................................

Clunk SQUISH clunk SQUISH clunk SQUISH The sound was beginning to annoy Kix.

"I'd better get some answers for this," He grumbled, leaving an orange trail as he made his way up the courtyard steps. "And a towel."

"Human!" Kix turned as the guard ran towards him. "You have returned. Did you defeat the beast?"

"Believe me, I wouldn't be here if I hadn't." The guard chuckled.

"Did I say something funny?"

.....................................................................................

Kix was bored. The guard had ushered him into the main hall of the castle, told him the princesses would be with him any moment, and left. After that, absolutely nothing had happened. He wasn't complaining, he preferred sitting around and waiting over fighting a hunter any day, it's just that he had been waiting a long time. Suspiciously long.

"Eh, probably just doing..." He thought for a second before finishing, "whatever it is pony princesses do." He chuckled at the thought, ejecting an empty shotgun shell from his gun. He drew his combat knife, began carving, and before long, had his own crude representation of an alicorn.

"I'm a purty pony princess," he said in a high voice, making the figure trot across his lap, "and I like purty things!" He held it up to his knife.

"Like this?" He said normally, turning the knife.

"Yes! That's so purty." Kix chuckled. I am so nuts.

But awesome. His mind counter.

True. He nodded, and continued playing.

"I hope we're not interrupting anything too important." Kix jumped and the knife slipped, slicing the figures head clean off and launching it across the room, where it clattered to the floor.

"Geez Prism! Hasn't anyone ever told you not to sneak up on someone like that?!" Kix shouted, more embarrassed than angry.

"No," The white alicorn replied coldly, "you are in my castle, after all." She glared at him. "And my name isn't Prism." She added.

"Finally! It's about time y'all introduced yourselves!" Kix exclaimed.

"Indeed," She said, "I am Princess Celestia, and this is my sister, Princess Luna." The blue alicorn stepped forward.

"Pleased to make your acquaintance." Luna said, not looking very pleased at all.

"And this," Celestia continued, "Is my former student, Princess Twilight."

"Hello." Twilight said, showing no emotion.

"Twilight, why don't you introduce your friends." Celestia said.

"Fine. This is Rarity, Fluttershy, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and that's Pinkie Pie." Each pony (except Pinkie, who was preoccupied with tracking down the figure's head) gave him a menacing glare.

Great, they all hate me.

"And what, pray tell, is your name?" Luna demanded.

"Name's Kix." He said, extending his hand. The mares gave him a strange look, and he realized his mistake. "Oh right, sorry." He said, returning his hand to his side, "no hands."

"Right, now that we've gotten that out of the way," Twilight spoke quickly, "it's time for you to go."

"Go?" Kix repeated. Twilight nodded. "So you're just gonna kick me off your planet?! After everything that I've done for you?! I am covered in hunter guts!" He gestured to his orange-soaked armor and boot. "Completely. Covered."

"Yes," She snapped, ignoring his complaints. "And we expect you to cooperate."

"Fine," Kix scowled. He couldn't believe he was letting a talking pony push him around, but the sooner he got out of this place, the better. "Just put me on the next cruiser off this planet and I'll be out of your hair. Or mane. Or whatever."

"Cruiser?" Now it was their turn to be confused.

"Yeah, you know. The things with big engines and slip space drives that fly up real high in the sky?" Silence was his only reply. "Wait, you guys do have cruisers, don't you?"

Their faces told him everything.

"Well crap."