Wandering Moon

Sarah stared at the ceiling of her bedroom, eyes focused on nothing. She knew she needed to get up but she couldn’t. She knew that there were important things to be done, but she couldn’t bring herself to rise from the bed so how could she be expected to do that? Luna had tried her best to comfort the woman, as had Nim, but Sarah was ignoring their efforts.

The trip to the Vault replayed to in her mind over and over again. Each and every action, word, and choice flashed before her eyes, striking like hammer blows against her mind. Sarah watched as Amata cursed her, watched the look of fear in the security officers’ eyes, saw the Overseer’s last sneer before he’d pulled the trigger.

She looked away from the ceiling and turned her gaze to her hands. They were calloused and well defined, not at all the hands of a ‘homemaker’ or your average ‘vault girl’ but she’d never thought of herself as one. Not really.

Sarah had always known that there was something... off about herself compared to Amata or any of the other vault girls. She was tougher, stronger, more rambunctious than most if not all of them. Hell, she’d been better friends with Butch then Amata now that she thought of it. Sure Amata was her ‘best friend’ but thinking back on it, Sarah found that she’d honestly spent more time with the boy and his ‘Tunnel Snakes’ then playing dress up with Amata.

The woman shook her head; she was avoiding the true issue, trying to distract herself once again.

Once she’d calmed down from her initial outburst and awoken the next morning... after an hour or so of crying interspaced with bouts of self loathing; one damning piece of information had assaulted her mind over and over again. Bringing Luna with her and listening to Nim had been awful ideas. Maybe one by itself wouldn’t have made things end as badly, but doing both had ruined her chance of securing what the Vault needed.

Allen Mack’s eyes stared at her from death, mocking her with their grisly visage.

The woman bit her lip and suppressed a shudder. Now was not the time.

But if not now then when? the thought came unbidden to her mind. If I don’t get over this now while I’m safe then how will I deal with it out in the Wasteland?

Sarah looked up from her hands and found herself looking at the metal wall of her room.

But what is it that’s effecting me the most? she asked herself silently. Is it the fact that I failed? Was it that I listened to Nim when I should have tried just talking to them?

The woman’s hands tightened into fists and she closed her eyes. She was not good at this. Introspection and soul searching had never been her strong suit and for the most part, she liked to think of things in simple terms.

Of course, that wasn’t possible. Sarah knew that neither Luna or Nim had wanted for things to end so disastrously so she couldn’t blame them for what had happened... or at least not completely. She was at least partially to blame for not only relying on them so heavily but for not seeing the hazards that doing so presented.

She bit back a sob as a sudden stab of sadness jammed itself in her gut.

If her father were still alive then he’d be shaking his head at her. She’d failed so completely that it was all but impossible to imagine him doing anything differently. Twice now she’d caused the ruin of her old home and this time she couldn’t imagine what the fallout would be.

“You’ll go on to eclipse this old man and everything he’s done... you’ll be a better person than I ever managed... do more than I’ll ever dream of!”

The words of her father flared through her mind and echoed again and again in her ears.

“Guess I fucked that up,” she muttered dismally.

“No matter what anyone says... no matter if Project Purity is a success or not... no matter... what happens; you will always be my greatest addition to this world.”

“Fucked that one up too,” she said. “Unless Project Purity is a complete failure then I guarantee that it’ll be a better addition than me,” she added bitterly.

She closed her eyes again and squeezed her palm so tightly that her knuckles turned white. I can’t think like that... I just can’t, she thought to herself. Sure... I fucked up. I fucked up really badly. The Overseer is dead... but Amata can probably step in to fill the void. So... I need to move on...

Her thoughts trailed off as she looked back to her father’s death. Her father had seemed... so confident in her. Was... was she really going to let him down less then a week after he’d died?

“No... no I am not,” the woman said, opening her eyes, a defiant look on her face.

Clarity rushed in to quell the storm of uncertainty. She was going to finish Project Purity; nothing else in between herself and that goal really mattered. Of course, Vault 101 would always be in the back of her mind but it would not overwhelm her.

Amata had been a bitch. Allen Mack had committed suicide. Several officers had died. These things were bad, but only one of them was personal and that was the least of them. The steel trap that was Sarah’s mind slammed shut on all but the first. They were beyond her control at this point and there was no reason to dwell on them except for preventing the events that caused them from being repeated.

That left Amata. What could Sarah do about it?

Nothing?

Return to the Vault to try and sort it out?

Pretend that it had never happened?

Learn from it?

The woman’s frown deepened. Choices spread out before her and she was once again left without a clue; she wasn’t good at introspection.

Returning to the Vault was right out; Amata had probably changed the password the moment things had calmed down.

Nothing... while it sounded comfortable and easy, Sarah knew it was impossible.

The same was true for pretending that it had never happened.

So that of course left her with one option. She had to learn from the experience. But... what was the lesson? Don’t make friends with people who are unworthy of it? Maybe...

Sarah massaged her forehead for a moment, trying to figure something out. She let out a sigh and shook her head. Whatever the case... it was time to move on.

Sarah... are you opening up at last? Nim’s voice asked quietly from the back of her mind. If you are not ready... then we shall leave you in your peace.

Sarah thought about it for a long moment before sighing. “You’re fine Nim... but you and I need to have a talk,” the woman said quietly.

Indeed we do... and if you don’t mind... we would like to try something to make this... easier, Nim said slowly.

“As long as it doesn’t involve you taking over my body without my permission then go ahead,” Sarah replied, unable to keep a hint of annoyance from entering into her voice.

We rather doubt it will but we’ll make sure to alert you if it does, Nim replied. We simply require you to lie back and close your eyes. It will be like sleeping.

Sarah raised an eyebrow but did as Nim asked. As she lay back and shut her eyes... she was suddenly overwhelmed by the feeling that she was falling, the air rushing by her.

Then her eyes snapped open and she found herself sitting in a moonlit meadow ringed by marble pillars. The sound of insects assaulted her ears and a light wind played across her arms. Sarah blinked rapidly as she looked around the... heavenly space before her eyes locked on a figure lying in the grass.

It was an alicorn with fur as dark as night and a mane filled with stars. A smattering of blue fur showed upon her flank and she wore a set of silver horseshoes. Her eyes were a piercing blue green, like the ocean before a storm. The mare smiled as Sarah finally noticed her and called in a voice that Sarah would know anywhere.

“Hello Sarah... this is... us,” she said, her normally steady voice sounding... rather uncertain.

“Nim?” Sarah asked as she walked towards the alicorn. “Where... are we?”

“We are within a portion of your subconscious I have made my own,” Nim answered with a smile. “There was a great deal of space so I moved in.”

“I... okay,” Sarah said, closing her eyes for a moment as she steadied herself.

Then with an exhale she walked over and sat down against the alicorn’s side as she’d done with Luna. Nim’s fur was... silky and warm... though something about it seemed insubstantial, as if she was leaning against nothing at all.

“This is... weird,” Sarah said slowly as she began to gently stroke Nim’s neck.

“We suppose it would be,” Nim agreed with a small nod as she brought her head over to give Sarah a nuzzle. “But it is what it is; imaginary. We are no more corporeal here then we are elsewhere, we simply pretend to be.” Her voice was soft and to Sarah’s surprise, sad. “We know not where we came from other than from within Luna’s own mind as an outlet for her grief and pain.”

Sarah frowned and looked at the alicorn for a long moment before she leaned up and gave her a soft kiss on the lips. Nim’s eyes widened in surprise but she did not pull away. It was a short kiss and when she broke it Sarah just looked at Nim quietly for a few long moments.

“Why... did you do that?” Nim asked slowly.

“Because you looked like you needed it,” Sarah replied before sighing. “Look Nim; we need to talk.”

“As you said before,” Nim agreed, nodding her head, doing her best to kill the blush that had appeared on her cheeks. She had nothing to be embarrassed about, there was no need to blush. “What about?”

“About... the way we interact in the... real world,” Sarah replied carefully. “Nim... you can’t keep taking over my body.”

“But... there are times when you need us too,” Nim protested. “If we did not then surely you would have been hurt or possibly have died!”

Sarah frowned and shook her head. “I do not mean in combat when you help me with shots... I mean like in the Vault where you made me give that over dramatic speech to a bunch of rookie officers who probably would have let us by if you hadn’t made them scared shitless,” the woman told her flatly.

“We...” Nim trailed off, the protest dying in her throat as she saw the look in Sarah’s eyes. It was serious and unyielding. “Very well.”

“Good,” Sarah said before she fell silent for a long moment. “I know that you and Luna want to help me... but sometimes I just need to do things on my own... alright?”

Nim frowned for a moment before she brought her head down in front of Sarah’s. “We understand Sarah... but please stop blocking us out of your mind when things are harsh,” she said. “You are our only way to interact with the outside world. Our only friend in this land other than Luna who we gave up to be with you,” Nim stared into her eyes for a long moment as the last sentence sank in. “Do not cut us off. Talk with us instead and we shall help you through it... We are one being now and it does not do to cut oneself in half.”

Sarah considered that for a moment before nodding. “I can do that Nim... or at least I’ll try,” she said slowly. “I can’t promise you that I won’t want my own space now and again... but I’ll do my best not to push you out.”

“That is all I can ask of you,” Nim said, smiling and giving Sarah a look at her teeth. They were all uniformly straight and blocky save for one in the back which looked a bit more... snaggly than the others. The woman frowned, uncertain of why she’d even noticed it in the first place.

Sarah gave the mare a smile of her own. “Sounds good... so I have a question.”

“Yes?” Nim asked her with a small frown.

“Well... am I cheating on Luna by kissing you?” Sarah asked her. “I mean... my romantic experiences can be counted on one finger but I know that it’s usually bad to kiss other people if you’re with someone already.”

Nim stared at her for a long moment before she shook her head.

“Sarah; we are far from the pony to be asking such a question,” Nim told her with a slight chuckle. “Though as we see it, it is only ‘cheating’ if you were to kiss me with the intent to hurt Luna. Of course, if you were to do that then I would prevent you from doing and reprimand you soundly. She is part of me as much as I’m part of her... and you now”

Sarah frowned and then nodded. “Alright... do you mind sending me back to reality now? As interesting as everything here is... it’s kind of freaking me out,” the woman said.

“Gladly, open your eyes,” Nim said with a small smile.

Sarah blinked and found herself back in her bed.

“That... was really weird,” she stated.

We believe you will get used to it, Nim replied with a mental chuckle. Now then; we believe it is time for you to get out of your bed before Luna wears a rut into the floor with her pacing.

Sarah frowned and nodded her head, getting to her feet. She was unsteady at first and had to stretch for a few seconds before she could walk. Then, the metal cold on her bare feet, she began to make her way down the stairs. Sarah discovered Luna sitting anxiously on a... couch which she didn’t remember being part of her house.

Upon seeing her, Luna all but jumped out of her seat and rushed towards her. However, the mare stopped a foot away, clearly fighting with herself about whether or not to continue.

“You’re up,” Luna said after a silent few seconds, her voice full of barely contained emotion.

“Yes, I’m up,” Sarah agreed as she closed the gap between them and before Luna realized what she was doing, Sarah had her hands around her neck as she pressed her cheek into the side of the mare's neck. “Luna, you and I need to talk.”

“About?” Luna inquired puzzledly, she was overjoyed to see that Sarah was up, but she was also severely worried about the woman. After everything she’d experienced in the Vault and with her father before hand, there was no telling what might be going through her head.

“Well, firstly where the hell did that couch come from?” Sarah asked, deciding to tackle what was probably going to be the easiest thing first.

“Ah, allow me to answer that Mistress,” Wordsworth's voice said from behind Luna. Sarah looked around Luna to see the robot hovering there. “Miss Moira Brown dropped that off several weeks ago after you and your... ‘special friend’ left. She said it was so that the ‘incredible amazingly beautiful alicorn’ could have somewhere comfortable to sit.”

Sarah nodded, that didn’t seem outside of what she knew of Moira.

“Right... anyways, Wadsworth, can you get me something to eat please?” she asked the robot.

“Of course Mistress, try not to stain the couch,” the robot said before he floated over to the kitchen and left the pair alone.

“So... what was your other topic of conversation?” Luna asked the woman, bending her head down so that she could touch Sarah’s shoulder.

“You need to learn that there are some combat situations that do not require decapitations or dismemberments,” Sarah said pointedly. “Against raiders, mutants, and feral ghouls? Sure, go right ahead. But if we’re going up against a group of random Wastelanders or... Vault Dwellers... let me dictate the combat.”

Luna frowned for a moment before nodding. “As you wish Sarah... I apologize if I have been overzealous with my sword use... and I will admit that I overdid things in your home,” she said slowly.

“Good,” Sarah said as she released the mare from her hug and then looked up at Luna. “And Luna... there are two more more things I need to tell you.”

“Oh?” Luna asked with a frown.

“Firstly; there are going to be times when you can’t come with me,” Sarah said calmly. “I need you to know that.”

Luna was quiet for a moment before she nodded her head. “That makes sense, just know that I shall be waiting in the wings if you are in need of assistance... what was the last thing?”

“I love you,” Sarah said with a soft smile. “We all screwed up in the Vault, but you got me out before I did anything else that I’d regret... while I was hysterical and wearing power armour... so I just wanted you to know that no matter what else happened, I still love you.”

Luna stared at her for a moment before wrapping Sarah within her wings and pulling her close. “And I love you as well Sarah... I was so very worried earlier... you were just lying there, barely moving. If it had persisted much longer I would have retrieved that sardonic doctor and forced him to treat you,” the alicorn told her, her voice shaking slightly.

Sarah stiffened as she heard the shakes and then stepped forwards to close her arms around the mare’s neck once more. “I know you were worried, I’m sorry Luna, I know that you didn’t mean for what happened to happen. I know that you’d do anything for me... just be more careful in the future, alright?”

“Alright,” Luna said quietly, tucking her wings tighter around Sarah.

Alright... it was such a simple word Sarah thought, and yet... it was all that was needed.