Sergeant Johnson's New Gig

“Your...what?” Twilight said with incredulity, not taking her eyes off the approaching ghosts.

“N...nothing. I’m uh, I’m just still worked up over the powder nearly exploding, I guess.” Colonel Davenport replied, rather hastily.

Johnson tapped Rainbow Dash on her shoulder with his free arm. “Heads up! One of the ecto-heads is getting ready to do something.”

“Aehta Drakonah!” One of the dragon warriors suddenly hissed. Seeing the ghost of an adult dragon shout nearly made Spike want to faint.

One of the warrior’s spectral non-reptilian compatriots banged her hammer against her gauntleted wrist provocatively in agreement. “Aehta Drakonah ut Tudjesa, aehta Protizadi nar Atlatis!”  The female soldier bellowed. Several others mimicked the same action with their own hammers.

“What in Equestria do you think they’re saying?" Flash Sentry asked, hovering off the ground and aiming down the sights of his rifle. "Bunch of gibberish..."

“I dunno, but I don’t like the way they’re staring at me and Sentry here in particular.” Rainbow Dash answered back with a troubled gaze.

Twilight noticed a few spectral eyes gawking at her as well, an action she replied to in kind. “You’re not alone, Rainbow. Some of them keep staring at Spike, then Johnson, and then also at my horn and wings and seem to...hesitate.” Her pupils contracted as she inspected her slowly advancing enemy. “They seem confused, almost as if we’re not supposed to be their enemies.”

“But all Pegasi are? Why that’s just a load of...” Johnson said, nearly coughing on his cigar.

“...complete horse feathers! Let’s get em’!” Rainbow Dash interjected. The pegasus darted forward like one of the bolts of lightning raging in the rogue clouds above.

The most timeless of battle cries was more than enough to get the Sergeant Major’s battle adrenaline fully flowing. “You all heard the lady, move like ya gotta purpose!”

With that, the entire group charged against the oncoming ghosts. Twilight scooped Spike up onto her back with a grunt and cast a protective shield over him, just as the charging form of Rainbow Dash collided with a clump of seven ghosts. They were hopeless to stop her impact, which struck with enough force to render them into goo piles in an instant, leaving scattered ghostly hammers, a small crater, and the backwash of a tiny rainbow-colored mushroom cloud in her wake.

Johnson and Sentry both fired their weapons, followed by Davenport, Wexley, and Twilight’s guards. They could all feel the recoil of the dragon powder firearms rippling through their bodies, costing some amounts of stamina from their muscles, and in the case of the pegasi, from their wing membranes. More of the guards were now streaming out of the Manor, just in time to assist. Firearms and combat magic cracked in the air with the thunder, both on Princess Twilight’s grounds, and now from the surrounding streets beyond the perimeter walls. The Ponyville Army garrison, the town guard, and at least a few daring citizens were now putting up resistance.

A group of ghosts got the idea to toss their hammers before they could get cut down by rifle fire. This tactic succeeded in killing a few guards, who fell to the ground with massive fatal dents worn into the sides of their helmets. Their deaths were quickly followed by them reappearing, alive and healthy, in the exact same location they were at the beginning of the hostilities.

While she fought, Rainbow Dash wagered that the farmers and recluses were giving some of Iron’s ghosts on the outskirts of town one hell of a fight. If they were anything like Applejack or Big Macintosh, they most certainly were. Even unarmed, an earth pony in good shape was a potentially hyper lethal threat unless one happened to have caught them off guard.

Ghost after ghost fell from the impacting volleys of rifle rounds. Johnson emptied his entire clip–ten bullets–into the chests of a handful of the hammer wielding foes, dropping them. The bandanna skull flashed its icon in the periphery of his vision, as more fresh bullets materialized in the pockets of his fatigues.

While he was pleased by the Mark I’s performance and the blessing of infinite ammo, the (second) easily accomplished deaths of Johnson’s ghostly enemies rather perplexed him. “How come bullets can hurt these guys,” He loaded another clip's worth into the magazine and fire three more shots, pulling the lever with each subsequent discharge. “yet the punks back at the Sugar Cube Corner could only be beat by those weird plasma weapons they carried and dropped?”

Energy blasts from Twilight’s horn atomized two charging ghosts before she uttered a hasty reply. “Not sure, Johnson. Kind of like Pinkie Pie... I don’t think any of these skulls really have any true regard for our laws of physics. If true, it’s just one more reason we should all be very, very worried about them.”

“Isaac Newton must be rolling in his grave.” Johnson muttered, firing again.

“Who?” Sentry asked, sending a bullet speeding into another specter’s chest. The dragon spirit knelt down and clutched at her wound dramatically, before tumbling over and disintegrating.

“Nothing, just jabbering on about some ol’ Earth stuff.”

Sentry nodded as he fervently worked to reload his rifle-musket. He pulled the paper cartridge out of an armor pouch with his mouth, stuffed its contents into the muzzle of the rifle with a hoof, then the unicorn enchantments placed on the weapon finished the process, levitating all necessary munitions into place in under five seconds while the Captain rammed the muzzle loader into the barrel.  “You know, Sergeant Major? You and I should talk sometime about your home planet, I’d like to know more when we’re not busy fighting angry armed spirits. Earth and the UNSC sounds very interesting.”

The orange-coated pegasus paused and surveyed the battle around him. “Would you suppress them for us, our guards and the two auxiliaries here need to reload.” Both Earth Pony Royal Soldiers scowled at Flash, then proceeded to load their weapons. Davenport and Wexley joined up with some of Twilight’s Guards. The stallions were forming a formation line for their rifles.

“Aeyup, it’d be a pleasure, but please hurry up. Goddamn Mister Ghostie ain't gonna kill himself for us! Just thank the high heavens none of those 'party golem' creatures are with them.” Johnson replied with a grunt as he dropped a few charging humanoids with head shots. “No peeking!” Inevitably, their heads imploded and popped in a cloud of confetti and cheer of childish delight, reducing them bodily to ectoplasmic goop.

Johnson engaged the hammer-wielding foes with the same basic, but effective formula. He treated them, dragons and the mysterious humanoids ghosts alike, as if they were unshielded Sangheili zealots. A head shot to drop one before it got too close; a simple duck or roll and a follow up blow or jab from the Mark I’s tempered mithril stock or barrel if they did manage to close in. The polished silverish metal which Johnson originally mistook for silver, was actually hard as steel but far lighter and an alloy all its own. It served the Sergeant Major’s melee purposes satisfyingly well.

Nearby, Iron Will laughed heartily as the much smaller bipeds tried to close in on him. Every attempt at even a single swipe of their hammers was rewarded by the skeleton-shattering blow of the Minotaur entrepreneur’s blunt instrument of ultra-assertive destruction. One of the humanoids eventually attempted to turn tail and flee. Iron Will laughed and grabbed the ghost by his shoulder, paying no mind that the ghost felt like a bucket of ice water in his grasp.

“Step one to being assertive: don’t be shy, look em’ in the eye!” The ghost struggled in the Minotaur’s grip. Iron Will could almost swear the ghost creature’s teeth were chattering as he dropped the ghostly hammer to the ground.

He lost his bravado as he saw that Iron Will meant business. “Ni! Ni! Tyre Aat”  The spirit shouted, holding his blue transparent palms vertically to indicate he was giving up. The Minotaur shrugged at the incomprehensible words, and swung his hammer, readying a devastating upper cut. “Baazik!” The ghost cursed, before liquefying and breaking up as the hammer obliterated him.

Many of the ghost’s “surviving” comrades were meeting a similar fate from the nigh-omnipotent magic of Twilight Sparkle. Spike ducked, yelped, and hung for dear life as the alicorn beneath him maneuvered and ignited her horn repeatedly. After thirty seconds of this, over twenty ghosts had been dispatched by her attacks, with several more taking hits from Johnson and company’s projectiles at a steady rate. Twilight paused and smirked, admiring her contribution to the battle.

Her longtime assistant was in the midst of offering her congratulations, when Spike noticed something off to her side, well beyond Twilight’s peripheral vision. “Twilight!” he cried. “Incoming!”

Twilight could scarcely turn around in the brief expanse of time, let alone defend herself. Neither Rainbow Dash nor Johnson could move a muscle in time to react either. A dragon soldier was three feet from her and Spike, their hammer poised to strike down at her flank; a move that, if successful, would knock Twilight to the ground and render her vulnerable to a potentially fatal blow.

For Spike, now was the time to act. He was driven by pure instinct as he drew a massive breath of oxygen into his lungs then let loose an almighty tempest, a jet of flame unusually large in proportion to a dragon of his size and age. Twilight turned about to face the foe her old friend had just valiantly dispelled.

The spectral draconic warrior was convulsing and flailing his taloned hands in the air, Spike’s flames searing away at his scaly ectoplasmic form and deteriorating it to an unremarkable blue slime like so many of his fallen comrades in the surrounding area.

“Woah! Did anypony say barbecue!” Flash Sentry blurted out, chortling maniacally.

“What would ponies even barbecue, anyway?” Wexley queried in a deadpan voice.

“Don’t cross the streams.” Davenport whispered, watching the dragon spirit burn.

Spike and everyone else watched in amazement as the flaming ghost let out an enraged howl, then promptly exploded in a cloud of blue, crimson, and orange. The release of stray ectoplasm slimed everyone in the vicinity, splattering them with blobs of the otherworldly substance.

“Thanks Spike! You...really just saved my fur right now!” Twilight breathed and huffed, still reeling from the shock. “That’s the last time I ever pause in a battle.”

“Spike, that was amazing!” Rainbow Dash cheered, laughing and exhilarated.

“Damn good work saving the Princess, son!” The pegasus and the marine beamed at the baby dragon then quickly rejoined the fray, while Twilight and Spike exchanged deeply confused looks.

Spike giggled nervously and shrugged. “Heh heh, I didn’t even know I had it in me!”

All remaining ghosts were soon wiped out with a succession of lightning strikes and hoof blows from Rainbow Dash, and the others’ salvos of spells and bullets. The Princess’ guards cheered and sighed in relief as the last spirits fell in their dramatic, exaggerated manners. Closely resembling Shakespearean stage actors, they perished in flamboyant ways: clutching with disbelief at their bullet wounds, falling slowly, giving final weak salutes to their comrades, and solemnly uttering a phrase or two in their exotic tongue to the raging skies above.

“Imagine how weird they must have been on the battlefield when they were alive” Davenport remarked as he saw the last one nearest him disintegrated into a puddle.

“I bet they were tough sons of bitches, once. Looks like Bonehead’s ghostly welcoming wagon has been put to rest.” Johnson declared, puffing out a cloud of cigar smoke as he wiped some ectoplasm off of him. “Yuck!”

Twilight’s lungs heaved an immense sigh of relief. “Yeah, I'm elated that we all made it out in one piece! That was certainly something.” She said with a smile. It quickly vanished as gunfire and commotion echoed towards her from the streets, causing Twilight to snap to attention. “Johnson, Sweet Apple Acres and the smaller local farms might be in danger of wildfires from all this rampant lightning. Some of us will have to go out to check on them while the rest secure the town and save anyone who needs help!”

“We need to make sure Fluttershy, AJ,  and the others are alright, too. They should still be at Sugar Cube Corner attending one of Pinkie Pie’s recent parties. I want to put all these ectoplasmic creeps to rest more than anypony else in this entire town, but not until I know we’re all accounted for!” Rainbow Dash added urgently, shifting her gaze from Johnson to Twilight and back while panting with exertion from her martial efforts.

Everybody was about to discuss carrying out the three new objectives, when an all too familiar chuckle echoed all around them from the direction of Ponyville town hall.

The voice of the Iron Skull rang in their ears, her hammer sigil appearing in one of the larger banks of storm clouds. “Very well done, inhabitants of Ponyville, very well done indeed! This is only the first wave of my soldiers, and you made surprisingly easy work of them. But of course this is only the first wave–a taste of what is to come. You have earned a minor reward for your efforts thus far: a checkpoint system has been enacted. Should either the alicorn or human happen to have the misfortune of dying, you will be reset here, once again. Take heed, you mustn't be foolish and grow complacent. The death of both your alicorn and your human will start this grandiose battle anew, Ponyville! Not that it would bother me at all." Iron chuckled again, then her voice faded away into the backdrop of the storm.

Rainbow Dash peered up at the skies with disdain, while the others formed together to discuss what to do next. Twilight already had a game plan in mind, but first something else was an order. Something to rile up everyone’s spirits.

Her royal instinct, one that had taken many long months to cultivate and refine, was now in full show. It was demonstrated through everything from her straight posture, to her steely gaze, to the calm but firm cadence of her voice.

“Everyone, listen up! It’s clear now, these skulls are no mere mischief from Discord.” Twilight nudged at a fallen ghost’s hammer with a hoof. “War, has come to Equestria. Canterlot might not have declared it against an enemy of our Kingdom yet, but we can no longer deny that it’s here. And unfortunately, our peaceful town of Ponyville has become the first battleground. The entity within the Iron skull is putting our people at risk with her delusional desire to reenact something from a past age; a darker era that has no relevancy to our modern idyllic world! What we need to do now is win this battle, and send Iron and all her ghost army straight back to Tartarus!”

“Bring it on, we’re ready!” Rainbow cheered, while Iron Will rapped his fingers against his giant hammer with mounting anticipation. Flash Sentry twirled his sidearm idly with a wing as he listened. The pair of Equestrian soldiers and all of Twilight's guards applauded, stamping their hooves into the stepping stones or manicured lawn. The ground was quickly becoming chaotic, between the occasional bouts of torrential rain from the storm above, and the fighting all around.

“Yeah, teach them pick on something their own size...and uh, also ghosts like them, I guess.” Spike declared.

“Our citizens are under threat from these frightening apparitions, and our livelihoods–our very families–may be in jeopardy.” Twilight continued, before pointing a hoof at a Avery Johnson, who was applauding her as well. “However, only our enemies should fear this raging storm, for we have something they don’t, a hero from another world! Johnson, appointed champion of Princess Luna herself, generously pledged himself to aide in the defense of Equestria.” The young alicorn turned with a light smile, to address the Sergeant Major personally. “As the Element of Magic and reigning Princess over all of Ponyville, I would like to offer you my eternal gratitude for everything you have done so far. And now, with my thanks offered, I must make a great request of you, Sergeant Major.”

“Just name it, Your Highness. Heck, following orders is two-thirds the reason I’m here.” Johnson said with a two-thirds serious light smile, symbolizing his own words.

“Thank you, Johnson. You know what I’ve suggested we do, then there’s the equally important matter of finding the rest of mine and Rainbow Dash’s friends. We’ll need all the Elements of Harmony together, just in case!”

“Agreed. I’ve heard of what you six can do together; amazing things.”

Twilight nodded. “So, Johnson, what are your orders?”

The Sergeant Major didn’t hesitate for even a second. “Mister Will, Colonel Davenport, Wexley, I want you three to stay here with Spike and some of the guards, hold down the fort.”

Both Spike and Iron Will nodded, and the soldiers saluted. “You got it, Johnson. If any ghosts show their puny little heads, I’ll give them a free seminar on how to deal with trespassers! I’ll have plenty of volunteers for demonstration purposes. Yeah!” The minotaur flexed his muscles for emphasis.

Johnson took out his Sweet William and pointed it at Flash. “Very nice. Captain Sentry, round up all the rest of Her Highness' boys, the local garrison included, and secure the streets, protect those civilians. Send some spare hooves out to check on the farmsteads if and wherever possible!”

Just as the unicorn Marius appeared from a doorway carrying a shiny tray covered by a silver lid, Sergeant Johnson turned to Twilight and Rainbow Dash. “Rainbow, Princess, you’re with me! We’ll be fighting our way straight to Sugar Cube Corner, rally your friends, then clean this town up block by block, starting with Sweet Apple Acres!”

One minor detail was bothering Dash. “Wait, don’t you remember what Miss Bonehead said? If the both of you happen to...”

“That’s a gamble we’re willing to take.” Twilight and Johnson said in unison.

Rainbow Dash relented, giggling. “Ah, to hay with it! Why was I even worried? We’re unstoppable anyways!”

Johnson largely shared her sentiment. He raised his voice so everyone could hear him. “A little something about how we are to further engage Bonehead and her army of Ouija board freaks.... They fight for Iron, so we’ll give them sons of bitches a face full of steel, and a bellyful of lead! This is your homeland, we have the home field advantage! We will fight Ghostie so hard and so fierce that he’ll come back to life, waltz right on up to the great golden throne of Mother Celestia the Almighty, and beg to be killed again!”

"Captain, why don't we use colorful language like that in our weekly Guard speeches?" One of the Sentry's stallions wondered.

Sentry assumed a pompous expression and adopted his posh Canterlot accent again. "Because, classy sophisticates like us should never stain our lips with cursing."

Captain Sentry and the guards he was assembling collectively cheered at Johnson's speech, then they gallop-marched  out of the back of the grounds with their weapons in tow. Iron Will let Spike climb onto his shoulder, meanwhile as they discussed a defense plan with the pair of earth pony soldiers.

That was when Twilight finally noticed her head butler standing next to her, carrying his tray. “Marius, what are you up to? This isn’t really the best time for meals or tea.”

“Quite right, Your Highness.” Marius cleared his throat, the lifted the tray lid. Twilight was still expecting to see a steaming bowl of split-pea soup, or even a large collection of baked hayfries, instead her jaw dropped slightly. Mister Melody chuckled. “I figured Johnson or one of you might find these hoof grenades of yours, rather convenient. I certainly don’t see your scientists having any constructive usage for them, holed up in your Manor as they are.”

It was rather awkward for Twilight when she realized she had forgotten about her magma-based fragmentation grenade project. She had been rather caught up with testing her new rifle and showing Johnson around the expansive property. Twilight smiled sheepishly as she levitated the long, narrow explosives, attached together on a magically reinforced silk belt, into her saddle bag.

“Ah, thank you very much. I can’t believe I hadn’t thought of these, just one could take out half a dozen of Iron’s ghosts!” The alicorn cast a magical ward on their primers to prevent an accidental (potentially catastrophic) detonation should she ever bump them into anything with excessive force. Twilight then trotted over to Johnson and Rainbow Dash. “Okay, ready. Let’s....kick some ass? Would that be an appropriate human turn of phrase? I don’t remember hearing any such thing when I crossed through that mirror a few years ago...”

Johnson beamed at Twilight. “Ha, ha, aeyup! That’s the spirit!” he exclaimed, then put his hands to his hips. “Excellent, Twilight’s got some frags and her omnipotent magic. I have an old fashioned single-action made from heaven all locked and loaded,”

“Don’t forget a blunderbuss!” Davenport explained, producing a large rifle that had a wide, tuba-like muzzle. He tossed the firearm and a bag of black powder and ammunition over to Johnson. “It might be convenient to use in those tight corners, alleys, buildings and such.”

“Thanks soldier! Now where was I? Oh, and Rainbow here has the power of Superman and can use this storm to our advantage.”

“Heck yeah I can!” Rainbow Dash agreed, nudging him playfully in the shoulder.  “Like I said before, let’s own these fools!”

Strapping the blunderbuss to his back and holding the Mark I at the ready, Johnson waved towards the front of Twilight Manor. “Damn right, let’s move! It’s time to gather the rest of the Elements of Harmony!”

As the malevolent spirit inhabiting the Iron Skull magically observed from town hall, the alicorn, marine, and pegasus tore a swath through her ghost ‘army’ in the streets. They were traveling towards a business designed to resemble an oversized gingerbread house, and Iron's hammer-wielding melee units in the way were almost useless against them.

In other areas of the town, lines of earth pony and unicorn Army regulars were riddling squads of the ghost soldiers with combat spells and rifle rounds under the command of some pegasi commander. Dozens of Royal Guards were close by, in line with them or providing support and cover from the skies and roofs.

Their determination to defend the town, coupled with the alicorn and human’s combined leadership, was threatening to cut Iron’s grand battle short. “Perhaps the checkpoint was a little too generous?” she pondered.

Finally free after centuries of tedious boredom as a part of Discord’s private magical skull collection, Iron simply could not allow such a thing as an early defeat. They had been foolish enough to try and destroy her, so surely they would have to pay the price for their brash arrogance. The spirit decided to begin a new measure. To send some new things that would level the playing field; up the ante in an otherwise one-sided firefight. She cackled and chortled as she pictured how pleased her former draconequus caretaker would truly be, when he saw the chaotic power of what she had in store for Ponyville’s valiant defenders in just a few minutes’ time.