Tricycle of the Dead

by electreXcessive

Rating: mature
Tags: Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy, Big Macintosh, Random
Length: 1810

Big Mac makes a daring escape from the undead horde on a less than stellar vehicle.

It's the apocalypse. The world has gone to ruin. Big Mac must now make his daring escape, tricycle style. Because tricycles are awesome.

Author's Note: Based off of the game 'Segway of the Dead'. Pre-read by TheExhaustedBrony.

Published 2013-10-10 23:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-10-10 23:00:02 UTC

Faster!

Big Macintosh looked up from the ground and surveyed the scene in front of him. The doors to shed were closed up as tightly as possible. A large barricade of old lumber kept the door firmly held shut, but the rotted wood now threatened to disintegrate after years of laying idle in the weathered tool shack. The walls around him—made from the same material as the aged barricade—rocked and swayed in the wind, threatening to collapse. Big Mac sighed as he finally realized the truth that he’d be trying to avoid for all of those long, lonely years he’d been bunkered down in the shack.

The hungry moans of the restless undead echoed all around the shack and permeated the very air that he was breathing in. If he didn’t know any better, he could have sworn that the thick stench of death and decay were corrupting his very soul. As the wind began to pick up even more, the shed began to sway and shake as the foundation creaked. Dammnit… There’s not much time left. Gotta find something to help me escape… I’ll need to make a run for it or I’m going to die here. Mac took a deep breath to calm himself and began to look around the shed for anything that could help him out of this predicament.

Hammer? No… too slow. Wrench? No, too heavy. How about… No, the saw won’t work either? What the hay can I use in here? I need to be able to move fast but still travel light. Big Mac’s eye were drawn immediately to a small item that poked out from behind a stack of palettes. Its pink surface gleamed in the small bits of light that shined through the cracks in the shed’s frame. Mac pulled the small tricycle that he’d given Apple Bloom last year for her birthday free from its prison. A solitary tear fell down Mac’s face as he looked at the long forgotten bike. Apple Bloom… I sure hope she and AJ are okay.

“Well… It’s not great, but it’s gonna have to do.” Mac pulled the tricycle up to the door of the shed and began to move the old blockade away. Some of the large boards fall apart at the mere touch of his hooves, while others required a bit more effort to move. It was no problem for the large stallion, however, and soon all that was left between him and the outside was the simple padlock on the door. He took one last deep breath to prepare himself for what he had to do. “There’s no time left. I’m going to die if I don’t get out of here.”

Mac turned around and readied his muscular hind legs. With one swift kick, the doors were blown open and the outside world was revealed to him. Mindless zombies shambled about in every direction, but the largest portion were percolating into a huge central mass that guarded the gate leading out of Sweet Apple Acres. Mac hopped on to the tricycle, his frame causing the tiny bike to squeak and shudder with the pressure of having to hold him up. The third wheel looked almost as if it was about to pop from the force being applied to it.

“Dammnit! There’s too many of these bucking zombies ahead! Maybe if I pedal fast enough I’ll be able to break through.” Mac began to peddle his little tricycle towards the horde of zombies blocking the fence. The tiny transport vehicle for children barely moved as its wheels struggled to move forward. Mac wasn’t phased though; his mouth curled upward into a snarl of determination as he began to push his legs muscles to the limit, pedaling faster.

“Gotta go faster!” The tricycle began to pick up speed as it wibbled and wobbled. Mac’s mane started to pick up in the sheer force of the wind surrounding him as he sped past several idle zombies. The large horde still loomed several football fields away in the distance, but Mac’s little tricycle still wasn’t going fast enough. He began to pump his legs even harder. Sweat began to pour down his face as he poured all of his energy into making his tiny transport move as fast as ponily possible. The wind in his mane began to pick up in intensity and several strands of hair were sent flying in random directions around his face.

“I’m not gonna make it! I need more speed!” His legs worked as furiously as they could, becoming red blurs among the peddles. He zoomed past several more zombies hanging idly around the apple farm, never once stopping to question why so many zombies were even there in the first place. The horde of zombies in the distance were now closing in rapidly as he rocketed down the sharp slopes towards the gateway. Mac tried to calculate how much speed he would need to clear the herd as he drew closer. Dammnit… I’m still not going to make it! Come on stupid legs! Work harder! Bucking apples is way harder than riding a tricycle!

“FASTER!” Mac shouted as he went careening towards the horde of zombies by the gate. His legs peddled ever so slightly faster, seeming to stand still as they moved like lightning. His mane began to whip and fly about in the wind with the force of the air colliding with his face. There it was, just a few feet away. I’m gonna make it! I’m going to get out of here! Mac put his head down as he charged headlong into the crowd of mindless corpses ushering the loudest battlecry that he could. “RAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHH!”

Big Mac crushed a few zombies under his massive frame as he crashed into the horde at a whopping ten miles an hour. “Oh b—” Mac came to a dead stop mere feet after crashing into his nemesi. The zombies pulled him off of his little tricycle and began to chew on his throat and stomach, splattering blood all over the bike’s pink frame. “

OH CELESTIA! SOMEPONY HEL—GURK. GAAGH!”

Mac screamed in pain as the zombies pulled out his large and small intestines through a gap in his chest cavity. “OH GO—RAHGA GURKLE GRACK GRAGH!” His screams of pain were silenced as the zombies continued to devour his body, painting the little tricycle a vivid red. Big Mac was lost in a sea of death.

Rainbow Dash watched in horror as Big Mac was eaten alive, the screen turning a bright red before fading to a monochrome color. Her jaw hung open as she stared at the screen in shock. Large white letters popped up, displaying the word ‘FAILURE’ in all capitals before being replaced by a helpful tip.

Hint: Tri means three. A tricycle is a bicycle but with three wheels instead of two. PT is an abbreviation for personal transport. Personal transport is critical in a zombie apocalypse.

Rainbow turned to Pinkie and stammered, struggling to find the words to say what was on her mind. She quickly decided that the bluntest way was the best way. “Pinkie! What the heck? You said this was a porno flash game with Big Mac in it! You didn’t tell me that I’d have to watch my crush getting eaten alive! What’s wrong with you?” Rainbow shook her head in disbelief before pointing to the bloody screen and the image of a deceased Big Macintosh.

“Oooh, you didn’t even hear the good part yet! Just wait for it a moment. I’m sure you’ll love it!” Pinkie Pie looked at Rainbow with a huge grin on her face. Before long, a loud heavy metal song began to play over the grim game over screen.

Ridin’ on a tricycle… Said I’m ridin’ on a tricycle. I. Am. Ridin’. On. A tricycle! Ridin’ on a tricycle is a really cool idea, unless you suck at balance or there’s buckin’ zombies; then they’ll probably buckin’ kill you and then you’ll die!

“Pinkie. What the buck? You made a game that you can’t win just to make me play it? And you made Mac the main character? Why would you go through all of that trouble?” Rainbow through her hands over her head and gave her an exasperated sigh. Pinkie just smiled and leaned into Rainbow’s face, completely invading her personal space.

“Well, Dashie. Do you really want to know why I made this?” A single nod from Rainbow marked her desire for Pinkie to continue. “Well, I did this because I thought it was funny! I mean, it’s a game that you can’t win! I’ve tried it on so many other ponies, and it’s so funny to see their reactions! It’s like the most ultimate prank ever!” Pinkie hopped up and down around Rainbow in a circle and kept smiling.

Rainbow chuckled and nodded. “Yeah. I guess that does explain the game. That’s a pretty good prank, not gonna lie. But why’d you use Mac? Was it because it looked so ridiculous with him just sitting on that tiny, pink tricycle?” Rainbow tilted her head in curiosity. For some reason, Pinkie’s smile suddenly seemed a lot more sinister.

“Nope! Remember when you made that Pinkie promise not to tell anypony that I liked Caramel?” Pinkie watched in satisfaction as Rainbow’s eyes lit up in realization. She gave a small chuckle as nervous drops of sweat began to make their way down Rainbow’s forehead. “Well, you broke a Pinkie promise. Not only that, but one that was really important to me! Caramel won’t even talk to me anymore!” Pinkie sighed and sat down on her flank.

“Oh… Geeze, Pinkie… I’m sorry! I didn’t know that was going to happen. I didn’t think that Caramel would be right around the corner. Now I feel really guilty…” Rainbow’s face sunk into a deep from as she looked at the floor. A deep, shameful feeling began to make its way into her chest. Then she heard it. Pinkie was laughing at her.

“Oh, that’s okay! I thought I’d return the favor! Big Mac, you can come out from behind the curtain now.” Pinkie watched with satisfaction as Rainbow’s face turned a deep scarlet.

Big Mac walked out from behind the curtain with an uncertain frown on his face. “Uh… Pinkie? You told me that we were makin’ an independent game parody. You didn’t tell me about this here… uh… Rainbow Dash business.” Mac turned his head towards Rainbow, a slight blush noticeable on his face.

“Eeyup! Thanks for your help Mac! Now, I’ll just be leaving you two love birds here…” Pinkie gave a quick wink to the pair before bouncing out the door. She gave one last glance back before she left. “And that’s what happens when you break a Pinkie promise and tell a secret!"