The Equestrian Adventure of the Coolest Nerd
This is a work of total fiction, made entirely for entertainment purposes. No money is gained from the production of this prose.
William sat on a log, in his hand was his father's M1911. He was pudgy boy. Not fat, but definitely far from fit. His messy, medium length blond hair bobbed as he turned his head, inspecting the weapon. His bright blue eyes were focused on the weapon, and his left eye was bruised. He was dressed in a white t-shirt and brown shorts. Slowly, he took apart the weapon, gently placing the parts on a cloth resting on the log. He used a separate cloth to begin wiping down the parts, cleaning the weapon.
He turned and looked at his father. He stood a few feet away from him, standing in the dirt. There was a fine mist in the early morning that lit up when the sunbeams broke through the trees.
"Dad, why do I have learn how to fight?" The 11 year old asked. "Wouldn't all my problems be solved with a gun?"
"Guns are unforgiving weapons, kid." His father responded. The man was tall, standing at six-foot-one, and very fit. His blond hair was cut short in a military buzzcut, and he sported a thick beard. His steel blue eyes were hardened and focused as he practiced his stretches and katas. He was dressed in beige cargo pants and a black tank top.
"A gun is used when you're going to kill someone. It's a deadly weapon, and when you fire a bullet, you can never, ever, take it back. You can't use a gun to solve your problems, not unless you're planning on executing everyone who makes trouble for you."
"Oh..."
"It's not just that, kid." He said. "Guns are also finite. There are only so many bullets you can fire. Eventually, your gun will become nothing more than a piece of worthless metal. Personally, I believe a good combat knife is better. Any melee weapon you can get your hands on will last way longer than a gun." He turned and grinned at the pudgy boy.
"That's why my weapon of choice in a zombie apocalypse is a katana." They both laughed. "Seriously though, all weapons have a finite lifespan. Even swords and blades will become brittle and useless after repeated use. The only real weapon that you will ever have is your body. You take it everywhere, it's always ready, it's always hidden... Your body is the greatest weapon at your disposal." The pudgy boy nodded his head in agreement.
"Also, between you and me..." The man whispered. The William leaned in, eager for his fathers wisdom. "You need to lose some weight." He finished.
Wait, what?
The grown man laughed at his son's expense, as he became madder and madder.
"That's not funny old man!" He cried.
"Oh, yes it is!" His father continues laughing.
Suddenly, a white flash of white surrounded William's vision, and his blood went ice cold.
William gasped for breath as he felt the ice cold water run off of him. He brought a hand up to his face and wiped the water from his eyes.
"Get up ya stinkin' ape." Growled an all too familiar voice.
Opening his eyes, a set of bars was the first thing he saw. Blinking the sleep out of his eyes, the image became clearer and a pony came into view just outside the bars.
The pony was male. He had a beige colored coat, an orange mane and tail, and light blue eyes. On his flank was the image of a red and silver horn.
Happy Thoughts.
Happy Thoughts was a pony whose calling in life was to entertain. He was an accomplished comedian, juggler, and slapstick artist. For the longest time, he found work entertaining at children's parties as a clown. Clowns however, were beginning to go out of business. For some reason, ponies just stopped liking clowns.
He attempted to step away from the make-up and make a living as a wandering comedian, but that was barely enough to sustain him. He wanted fame.
Happy Thoughts wanted ponies to know his name.
It was just dumb luck that he had happened across a wounded William in the Everfree Forest.
That is, good luck for Happy, bad luck for William.
Happy knew that he had discovered something no one had ever seen before. The creature was like a combination of a chimp and a minotaur. If he could trap it and train it, he could go down in history as the discoverer and tamer of strange and mythical beasts.
And he did.
The beast was intelligent. Happy knew that almost immediately. It understood him perfectly. It resisted at first, of course. It took every opportunity to escape, but after some painful magical bursts, it stopped, seemingly resigned to it's fate. The beast-ape was a goldmine.
Whatever this creature was, it had skills.
It did flips, jumps, scaled buildings, it even knew some fighting moves. Of course, Happy made sure to be more wary of the beast, now that it knew what it could do.
With the creature, Happy became an overnight success. Scientists from all over were itching to get a piece of the beast. Ponies across the land eager to see the beast, as there was only one in existence. He had offers coming in by the barrel.
Happy couldn't be happier.
Especially now.
Princess Celestia herself requested a show in Canterlot! He wanted to be famous, but having the Princess invite him over!? It was a dream come true!
"Today's the day, ya hear me?" Happy growled. "Today, you're performing for the Princesses of Equestria, the Elements of Harmony and all of Canterlot. No screw-ups." As he said this, his horn glowed with a beige aura and William felt the black collar around his neck tighten painfully. "Got it!?"
William looked at his captor defiantly, and gave a lazy salute with his hand. Happy snorted at this, but seemed satisfied and released the magical grip.
"Get yourself cleaned up. I got you new clothes and stuff. Can't have you looking filthy for the Princesses.
William sat under a waterfall, letting it wash ever ounce of filth off his body. Looking down at himself, he felt rage. His once fit body had been weakened and starved. All he ever ate was leftover fruits and vegetables, no meat. Without the extra protein, his muscles began to deteriorate, and his health began to decline.
He was weaker, slower, more prone to illness and he was constantly in pain.
And then there was the beatings.
Anytime Happy Thoughts felt he slighted him, he got a beating. Even things as little as a strange look, he would be burned, stabbed, caned or magically tortured. He hated the fucking unicorn.
When I get out of this, I'm going to kill him. William vowed to himself. He fingered the collar, specifically towards the back of his neck, there was a tear in the leather.
It went most of the way through it, about three-quarters of the way. William was confident that he could tear it off with one hand. But not yet, it wasn't the time. No, he would wait for the princesses. He would make sure that they knew what this pony had done to him.
It was a damn shame he couldn't speak.
When he first ended up in Equestria, he went out looking for civilization. Instead he ran into wood-wolf, which he learned later on was called a Timberwolf. The vicious animal...plant(?)...didn't waste any time attacking it's would-be prey. The fight was excruciating, but he won in the end.Not without sustaining serious damage, however. The wolf had scratched and clawed him in numerous places, but the most serious wound was in hi throat. It's wood-claw managed to pierce his throat, and Willaim thought he was going to die.
The next thing he knew, Happy was nursing him back to health. He thought he had found help, but instead fell into a worse trap. He couldn't call for help because the son of a bitch wolf had succeeded in slicing his vocal chords, thus rendering him mute. Writing didn't help either because, regardless of them speaking the same language, the ponies had developed a totally different alphabet for their language.
Anytime he tried writing for help, Happy would pass it off as "the stupid drawings of a stupid animal" and everyone would just laugh at him.
He thought about committing suicide several times. Remarkably, it was the children who prevented him from doing so. Despite the jeers from the adults and teens, and the beatings from Happy, William always felt a warm feeling at hearing a colt or filly giggle at his antics, or gape in awe at his stunts.
Sometimes, although very rarely, Happy would allow a "petting zoo." It was demeaning as hell, but he got to play with some of the children. They were it.
No matter how awful things got for him, they were proof that there was joy and innocence and happiness in this world.
He had to hold onto that.
If he let go of that, all that would be left was rage and hatred. As much as he was angry, and as much as he hated Happy, he didn't want to let it take over. He wouldn't let it take over.
He stood up and stepped out of the falls. He wrung his his long hair out and stepped towards the edge of the river, approaching his towel and clothes.
Applause filled the room.
It rang out and reverberated off the large walls and marble floors, deafening him.
They weren't cheering for him, however. Even though he was the one who was doing the entertaining and the stuntwork, everyone cheered for Happy. He stood and gave bows, and winked at all the mares and it made William sick.
Looking around the room, he noticed that there weren't many guards. Those that were there were either tending to the crown, or watching the crowd. None were guarding the massive doors to the exit, which were wide open. Apparently, Happy had everyone convinced that he could control the Beast.
Seeing his opening, William reached up and took hold of the collar. With a sharp tug, he felt it snap off of his neck. He quickly pushed the joy back down, now wasn't the the time for celebrating. Whistling loudly, gathering everyone's attention, William threw the broken leather collar straight at Happy's face.
It took Happy a moment to realize what exactly it was, but he quickly ascertained the situation. He looked down at the Beasts retreating form, heading straight out the door.
"The Beast is loose!" He cried.
Immediately, there was a panic. The ponies that watched grew very agitated in their fear, but luckily the guards were able to prevent a full scale riot. One of them, a pegasus, immediately took off after the Beast, coming in at high speed from the side.
As the guard closed in on William, William was prepared. Quickly, as he was about to make contact, William jumped into the air just as he was about to collide with the pegasus.
Everyone watched in morbid fascination as the pegasus flew clear under the airborne beast. And everyone winced as the pegasus collided with the massive wooden door.
William made it outside into the hallway, looking behind him, he saw Happy giving chase. Smiling darkly, William prepared for the next phase of his plan.
Back in the throne room, Celestia was off her throne.
"Guards! Please escort the civilians out of here. The castle may no longer be safe." She ordered. "Luna, Twilight, and the Elements, please follow me. We must aid Happy Thoughts in its quest to recapture the Beast."
"You got it, Princess!" Exclaimed Rainbow Dash.
"Ya'll can count on us!" Said Applejack.
The rest of them nodded.
William kept running at full speed. Quadruped were faster than bipeds, so if he let up for even a second it might be enough for Happy to catch up. He already lead him through the maze that was Canterlot Castle, all he needed was a good spot for killing.
Turning a quick corner, he entered a new hallway and bolted straight through. That is, until he saw the open doors. CHarging straight through, it took him half a second to realize it was a music room. Continuing to turn at a ninety degree angle to the right, William reached for the steel guitar stand by the door. Tossing the acoustic guitar to the ground, he lifted the steel stand up in the air like a club.
Listening carefully, he could here the rapid clop of Happy's hoofs on the marble floor. As they neared they got louder, and louder.
Wait for it... He thought desperately.
Suddenly, he saw a flesh of beige and he swung with all of his might, clubbing him across the head with the steel bar.
He didn't stop though. He brought the steel stand back up, and swung it down again. He kept going, bashing the skull of this monstrous pony into the marble floor.
Ever so slowly, a puddle of blood began to radiate from Happy's skull, along with pinkish matter that could only be brains.
He kept going, though. Blood was flying everywhere, staining the perfect white walls, the perfect white floor, and William himself. For a second he though he heard screaming, but he ignored it.
Finally, tired of swinging the steel guitar stand, he dropped it to the ground with a clatter.
The Princesses and the Elements ran through the maze-like halls of the Castle, looking for any trace of Happy or the Beast. So far, nothing, but they followed the trail of destruction. The Beast had apparently taken the time to destroy some of the decorations around to create a trail.
He's leading Happy somewhere. But why? Though Celestia. She didn't have long to ponder this, however as a shrill scream caught her attention.
"That sounds like it's coming from the music room!" Cried Luna. Immediately, they all changed their direction, heading towards the room.
They were not prepared for what they saw.
There, at the entrance of the room, on the ground was Happy Thoughts. Unfortunately, he didn't seem to have a head.
Everyone stopped to look in horror at what was left of Happy. There was his body, and a bloody smear where his head should've been. They all looked up at the Beast, who was covered in blood. He seemed to have a pleased look on his face.
It was a look of vindication.
"H-how could you?" None of the ponies had said it. They all turned and looked past the Beast, who had also looked behind himself to see who was speaking.
Near the back of the room, on a small stage with various cellos and harps was a grey pony with a black mane and tail. Around her neck was a white collar with a pink bowtie. On her flank was a purple treblecleff.
The mysterious pony hopped off stage and quickly made her way towards the larger group of ponies by the door. Once among the larger group, she got the courage to speak once again.
"You were waiting for him. You planned for him to meet you here, and you murdered him!" She screamed. "Why would you do that you monster!"
William stood there, not moving. Slowly he turned around, back to the group of ponies. Slowly he lifted his long-sleeve black shirt off of him, revealing a back full of scars.
The ponies gasped as they looked upon the Beasts scarred back. Some were healed over and others would still bleed slightly. He had to be in an extreme amount of pain.
Turning around to face the ponies once more, they got a good look at his torso, revealing a thin body and exposed ribs. Signs of starvation. Slowly, he gestured towards himself then pointed at Happy Thoughts's corpse.
And then they understood.
Suddenly, Twilight realized something.
Slowly, she trotted up to the beast.
"Y-you understand us?" She asked tentatively. The Beast nodded. "You're intelligent!?" The Beast raised a brow, with a slightly smug look he nodded, as if saying 'Oh, yeah.'
"Yeah, right!" Cried Rainbow incredulously. "This is wild animal, Twilight! Look at what it did to Happy!" She exclaimed. She turned towards the Beast. "If you're so smart, why don't you don't you do something smart, huh?" She challenged. "How's you're time in Equestria been, huh?" She asked haughtily, knowing that the Beast wouldn't respond.
Twilight, Luna and Celestia noticed how the Beast gently rubbed his throat, but the others didn't.
"See! He can't answer the question 'cause he's dumb!" Concluded Rainbow.
Suddenly turning on his heel, the Beast walked straight up towards a large white Grand Piano. He stepped in front of it and sat on the bench. He pressed a few keys, getting a feel for the piano. Satisfied, he began to play.
The song started out with a few sharp notes, but it quickly went into the low notes. The music was hauntingly melancholic and slow. It gave off a very depressing feel.
"What's he doing?" Asked Rainbow.
"He's answering your question." Replied Celestia.
Author's Note
I have no self control :( I should focus on my stories, and instead I'm writing more! I have too many on my plate as it is! I'm going to end up like RainbowBob, only my stories will remain incomplete...
Happy Thoughts is based on this background Pony. The only difference is that in this story, he's a unicorn:
The Equestrian Adventure of the Coolest Nerd
A Step Forward *EDIT*
IMPORTANT BLOG POST! PLEASE CLICK TO VIEW!
This is a work of total fiction, made entirely for entertainment purposes. No money is gained from the production of this prose.
A multitude of bulb flashes went off in the Princesses faces. There was a loud chatter, and nothing distinguishable could be made out. It was pure chaos on the Canterlot Castle front lawn. Princesses Luna, Celestia and Twilight simply stood by, waiting for the news ponies to finally calm down. The cacophony generated by the newsponies was deafening and the Princesses were becoming very agitated at the lack of silence and decorum.
"SILENCE!" Cried Luna, in her Royal Canterlot Voice. She wasn't using it as much nowadays, but still more often than Celestia. Her cry, however, did it's job. The reporters were now silenced, and very frightened. Some had even fallen to their bellies and cowered in fear.
Huffing in exasperation, Luna lowered her voice. "That is much better."
Twilight stepped forward.
"Now, we will be taking questions, but we need you to calm down. Is that understood?" She questioned. There was a wave of nods that ran through the crowd. "Now then, first question?"
Immediately, dozens of hooves went straight up into the air. There were choruses of "Princess!" calling from the crowd. They didn't get too rowdy this time, no doubt they were scared into submission by Luna's loud declaration. Scanning the crowd, Celestia pointed out a grey colored pegasus stallion with a fedora hat.
"Yes, you." The crowd quieted down and the stallion stepped forward.
"Quick Quill, Equestria Daily." He announced. "What can you tell us about the creature?" Quick Quill asked.
"As you know, the creature is male. He is six-foot-three inches tall, and has gold hair. He is bipedal, and seems to be some evolutionary offshoot of the Great Apes. He has also been horrifically abused. He has scars all over his back, from beatings that Happy Thoughts inflicted and healed over time after time. He is intelligent and understands Equestrian language, but cannot speak due to a poorly healed throat injury, possibly inflicted by Happy Thoughts in order to secure his fame without the Creature calling the authorities. While having identical languages, it seems that our alphabets are very different, so our communication with the creature has been limited to drawings. So far, we've established that, through unknown means, he was transported to Equestria and was soon captured by Happy Thoughts."
There was more chatter amongst the newsponies, all eager to ask about the creature.
"Yes, you there." Called Twilight. She called on a Earth Pony mare.
"Bold Script, The Manehattan Times. Sources say that after escaping from his bonds, this creature led Happy Thoughts on a chase where he ultimately killed him by repeatedly smashing his into the ground with a steel rod. What are you planning on doing about this?" Asked Bold Script.
All three Princesses shared a look. The newsponies were not going to like this.
"At the moment, nothing." Responded Twilight. Immediately, there were roars of anger and disapproval from the crowd of ponies. "SILENCE!" This time, it was Twilight who used the Royal Canterlot Voice. "Precedents have been set for this kind of behavior. Remember Sheetrock?"
Sheetrock was an Earth Pony stallion who went out to study rock formations in the desert. There he was abducted and enslaved by Diamond Dogs, who used him for labor and beat him for their own amusement. While transporting him and other slaves through Equestria, Sheetrock managed to get loose and kill his captives. Because the crime occurred on Equestrian soil, Sheetrock was brought in and questioned. After discovering that instead of running away and getting help, Sheetrock chose to stay and murder his captors in cold blood, he was brought up on murder charges. It took the Jury five minutes to acquit.
"Or how about Gold Shield?" Asked Twilight.
Gold Shield was a Unicorn mare in the Canterlot Police Department. She was trapped in an abusive marriage for years before she got the courage to leave her violent husband. Unfortunately, he couldn't take a hint. The bastard followed her, intimidated everyone close to her and would repeatedly harass her. One day, he got bold and managed to trap her in her apartment for forty-eight horrific hours of torture and rape. Managing to get free, Gold Shield found him drunk and passed out on her bed. She set him fire. She too was acquitted.
"This creature suffered nearly a year of torture and humiliation, not just at the hooves of Happy Thoughts, but all of Equestria! How many ponies saw him, sad and suffering and nopony did anything to help!? By Equestrian law he is not responsible for his actions, and he doesn't need an irate public trying to guilt him for them!" Twilight huffed.
The crowd was silenced. Nopony said anything about Twilight's outburst but several ponies did look pensive. One Pegasus mare stuck her hoof up.
"Yes?"
"Noteworthy, The Fillydelphia Post. How is the creature now?" She asked.
Smiling, Luna fielded this one.
"The creature has been doing much better thanks to a balanced diet and exercise. He has even consented to medical treatment and is scheduled for surgery in the coming days. We will be doing out best to restore his former appearance by removing him of the scars that were unjustly inflicted on him. We will also be fixing his throat so that we may finally communicate with him."
"Do you believe this creature may become more violent in the future? Extenuating circumstances or not, we don't know what he is. For all we know by keeping him alive we could be dooming ourselves in the future." Called out a random pony. They didn't step out from the crowd, so no one knew who said it.
"He has done nothing thus far to indicate a threat to Equestria. All we can do now is help him and offer him our friendship." Said Twilight.
The worn out basketball ricocheted quickly off the backboard and into the hands of a young boy. Laughing, the twelve year old took the ball and dribbled it up the dirt court and went in for a lay up. The boy cheered as the ball went in the basket. He turned a gave a smug look to the much taller man down the court. He stood, shaking his head.
The man was an American soldier. He was tall, standing at six-foot-three, and was in excellent physical condition. He wore camouflage pants and beige boots, and had on a black tank top. His once light skin had tanned in the Afghani desert, and his blond hair was cut short in the traditional American soldier buzzcut. Laughing, he looked up at the boy with his brilliant blue eyes.
"You're killing me Atash." He said. "What's the score now, six to eighteen?" He asked.
"You make it too easy, Askar!" The boy, Atash, couldn't pronounce William, so he simply referred to him as Askar, which was Pashto for Soldier. William had taken the boy under his wing. Being a marine in the desert was boring the majority of the time. He was assigned to guard a small town that was a possible target for an insurrectionist group. So far there wasn't even a whisper of activity, so the majority of his time was pent patrolling. After a while, when he wasn't on duty, he made his way to a small park in the town, amusing himself with various games or just training his body by practicing parkour over the playground. Atash was the only one brave enough to approach him.
They had formed an unlikely friendship. They played games and various sports, and slowly the people become a little more accepting of the military presence in their town. William taught the boy English and how to read and write. It was almost like having a little brother.
"Making it too easy!? Oh, it is on little boy!" William lifted the ball, but before he could start to dribble, a loud explosion rang through the air. Dashing forward, William grabbed Atash and charged for the nearest building by the court.
Everyone was running for cover, there were screams and the sound of gunfire very close by. Setting Atash down, he reached over and grabbed his gear which rested against the wall. He lifted his M16A4 and inspected it for damage. Immediately, he started attaching the rest of his weapons to his body.
"Atash, listen to me. I need you to go inside, and stay in there until we come get you. Do you understand? Wait for someone wearing this uniform!" He tugged on his gear.
"B-but mama!" He cried.
"She'll be fine! I promise you, I'll do everything I can to protect everyone, but I need you to stay here! No running off! Okay!" He demanded. Crying, the boy nodded.
"Okay." William handed Atash over to an elderly woman who was corralling people into the building.
William lifted his weapon and turned the corner, walking right into the firefight.
Williams eyes snapped open. They quickly adjusted to the bright white room. Why was everything so white around here?
The ponies had given him a suite. It had a large bed, king sized, a small kitchen and a master bathroom. It even had a grand piano! After demonstrating skills on the piano and guitar various other instruments, they gave him a large room to allow for creative release. He quickly used his new found freedom to try and communicate with the ponies. He had success with drawings. Even though he could understand them and answer yes and no questions, he had trouble with broader issues. He used drawings to try and communicate complex topics.
He had asked them, in the form of a short comic strip, if they could help remove his scars. He wasn't too hopeful, but when they came back with a positive response, he was ecstatic. His heavily scarred back was always itching or going numb, it was simply an uncomfortable state to be in. The fact that he didn't have to keep them was exhilarating.
For now, he was just going to get started on breakfast.
Author's Note
I'm thinking about changing the the name to The Equestrian Adventure.
The whole Coolest Nerd thing is a reference to William's particular skill set and how he was inspired by comics and stuff. He isn't going to "nerd out" much, if at all. Don't get me wrong, he's a nerd/geek like all of us, but it won't show too much.
What do you guys think?
