Snips and Snails sit on Snails' front porch, smoking a blunt. Snails had never smoked before but earlier he had gotten a phone call from work, firing him for theft on his day off. Snails had always been an honest, hard working employee, but when faced with a Friday with no job and nothing to do, it was fairly easy for Snips to convince his friend into having a smoke session.
They sit on Snail's porch, staring across the street to watch Rarity's house. Spike leaves the house dressed up in a suit and tie for work while the white unicorn waters her flowers. "Good Celestia that Miss Rarity is so fine," Snips stares at her flank as she walks. "The things I would do to her."
"Hey boys," Rarity calls out across the street, her silk robe leaving nothing to the imagination.
"Hi Miss Rarity," they sheepishly call back.
"I wana fuck Miss Rarity," Snips says quietly after she turns her back to them.
A large, cockeyed mare is then seen walking up the street. "Quick its Derpy, hide anything valuable so she don't steal it," Snails quietly claims. He puts his chain, wallet, and house keys in a lock box and hides that under his chair. Derpy walks up to the pair. She is far bigger than they are, and one of the scariest ponies in their hood of Ponyville. As she walks up, Fluttershy, runs out of the house next door, spreading her wings and flying off before Derpy could have the opportunity to rob her. Fluttershy doesn't realize that she left a window open.
Derpy sees a window of opportunity and decides to force somepony else to do the dirty work, namely Snips. "Yo short pony, you help me rob dat bitch an I let ya keep full use o yer legs," Derpy says as she approaches Snips. Snips hesitates to respond. "What up pony, you deaf? Go rob dat bitch."
"Yyyyes mmmiss Derpy mam," Snips finally manages to stammer out. He runs into the house next door by climbing through the open window.
"An you skinny pony, you give me dat blunt!" Derpy snatches the remaining blunt out of Snails' mouth, inhaling the whole thing in one puff. Snails just glares at Derpy, if looks could kill Derpy would have died a long time ago.
Snips climbs back out of Fluttershy's house with a jar full of bit coins in tow. "Here's 500 bits she had layin around for her bills. Now will you please leave us alone." Snips hands over the jar without a moment's hesitation.
"Yeah, that works," Derpy says before walking away slowly.
"One of these days we are gonna kick the shit out of her," Snips says very quietly as Derpy leaves. He pulls out another blunt and lights it up.
Carmel the Preacher walks up the street, stares at Rarity for a moment, then makes his way over to where Snips and Snails are seated. "You know kids, at the Grand Temple of Lauren Faust we call drugs a sinny sin sin." Carmel sings out the last part with a well faked soulful passion.
"But round here between Mane Street and Crenshaw in Ponyville we call this a twiny twin twin………..ponaay!" Snails sings to match the Reverend's soulful jesture. Snips gives out a fake hallelujah.
The preacher laughs, "Yall know im jus buckin witcha, now how about a quarter sack fo my *coughs* glaucoma."
They all glance across the street to see Rarity watering her flowers, and shout a collective, "DAAAAAYUM!"
"Actually boys hold that thought," the preacher says as he begins to walk across the yard towards Rarity. "Oh Miss Rarity, have you heard the good word yet today?"
"You know if Spike catches him all hell is gonna break lose," Snips remarks.
"And if that happens, I want to have front row seats to that show," Snails laughs at his own remark as he and Snips exchange a brohoof.
"Celestia dammit! If it aint one thing it's a-motha-buckin-nother." Snips suddenly exclaims.
Big Macintosh rolls up in his car, a red convertible with gold rims, gold interior, hydrolics, and a license plate that just says THE MAC. "Snips!" he calls out to the shorter unicorn.
"Whats up Big Wack, I mean Big Mac," Snips jokes as he walks towards the car.
"Skip the small talk," Macintosh retorts. "How much of my product have you sold?"
"Not a lot Mac times are hard out here my pony," Snips says trying to extend a brohoof to Macintosh only to be denied. "I only have about half yo money."
Macintosh has a sour expression on his face as he addresses the less than worthy weed pony. "Now you know that shit aint acceptable. I also know you been smoking my weed Snips. If you fuck with my cash you fuck with my emotions; and if I get all emotional ponies get shot. Is that clear?"
"Yes Mac I completely understand." Snips lowers his hoof and turns to walk away when Snails jumps up and points across the street. Snips and Macintosh look across the street to see that Spike had just pulled up in his car, obviously forgetting something he needed for work. "You may want to stick around for a minute Mac, this is gonna be good."
Almost as if on cue, Spike opens his door and screams, "WHAT THE HELL!" He charges into the house and slams the door shut. Sounds of cursing and the smashing of plates and vases could be heard for miles. Snails walks into his house and walks back out with some popcorn, offering it to Snips and Macintosh.
"Aint dat a bitch," Snips remarks, "y'all got popcorn and no butter."
They continue listening to the pandemonium across the street. Smashing and screaming, while Rarity pleads with Spike to listen to reason. Carmel runs out of the house as fast as his legs can take him. His nose is bloody, his eye is blackened and swollen, and the remnants of a flower pot remain on his head, flower still in toe. Spike throws an empty liquor bottle at the preacher as he's leaving, and then turns around to a furious Rarity.
"How dare you treat another pony in such a vulgar manner you…." Rarity starts to say.
"Shut up bitch, I saw what the two of you were doing in there," Spike interrupted. "Next time I see you it's gonna be in court!"
Author's Note
Derpbo, Bernie Mack Carmel, Big Macintosh with a perm, and weed; yeah I know you love this shit.
The mansion of Pinkamena Diane Montana, a sprawling Georgian style structure with an army of her gang members keeping watch 24/7. She had come from nothing but a small town baker, and now after only a few short months in the drug game she had become the biggest dealer of cocaine in pony history. She sits alone in her office after shooting Apple Jack in a fit of rage.
Twilight Sparkle enters the room with a 9mm Beretta underhoof. "Pinkie I can't stand the monster you have become," she states as she slowly raises the weapon. "You used to be such a nice pony, now look at you. Surly the pony I'm looking at wouldn't giggle at the ghosties now. No this pony would KILL THE DAMN GHOSTIES."
"Wait Twilight." Pinkie held up a hoof, leaving a surprised look on Twilight's face, "itchy mane, twitchy tale, sharp pain in the knee; my pinkie sense is saying that that evil bitch Trixie sent a hit squad. Two of them are coming in my window right now so you better leave."
"But I was going to kill you." Tears run down Twilight's face as she talks, "for Apple Jack."
"Just get out of here Twilight!" Pinkie pulls out an M16 with a grenade launcher attachment. "we only have about 25 seconds and I really don't want to lose another friend today."
"Fine," Twilight shouts as she storms out of the room. "But I will be the one who puts the bullet in your skull you heartless bitch."
"Ok whatever can we just move this along please…" Pinkie starts to say, but before she can finish Twilight is shot in the leg by a stallion who climbs in Pinkie's window, and falls to the floor bleeding. Pinkie shoots the assailant. "And that is why you should always listen to directions Twiley. Now my jiggly leg says they have amassed at the front door so if you don't mind." Pinkie pours out a pound of coke on her desk into a big pile. She sticks her snout directly in it and with a loud *snnnirk* she inhales way too much of the drug. The adrenaline makes the already wild pony completely crazy. "You ponies wana play rough?" She screams at no pony in particular as she loads the a grenade into the weapon. "Well say hello to my little friend!"
A great blast knocks the ponies back from her door, killing some and wounding others. Pinkie comes out of her office, hair deflated, with a look of utter evil in her eyes. "Tell that bitch Trixie that if she wants me she can come get me herself!" Pinkie screams. She shoots the two ponies who survived the grenade blast, but several more come up the stairs to take the place of their fallen comrades. One of the hit ponies shoots and grazes both of Pinkie's legs before she sprays the croud with bullets. With deadly accuracy, Pinkie whipes her would be assassins off the face of Equestria.
She walks to the front of an ornate balcony to see several more goons running in. She kills most of them with the remainder of her fifty round clip, but eventually runs out of bullets. In the midst of a hail of gunfire, she falls to the floor and reloads. "Tell Trixie she will need an army to take me down!"
Pinkie screams as she loads another grenade into her gun with the bullets. She blows up the ponies entering her home, rage consuming her very being. "I'll send you all straight to Tartarus!" she screams as she shoots a stallion below in the face.
She shoots two more, but five move in to take their places. "Who do you think you are bucking with here. I'm Pinkie fucking Montana, you buck with me you buck with the best!" She stands in plain sight for a moment, giving them an opportunity to shoot her. They take the chance, sending four bullets through Pinkie's torso. She feels nothing as they miss her vital organs. She kills the five ponies with ease.
Her tail twitches and she turns around to see another assassin climb through her window. She shoots the pony in his chest and laughs at him while he bleeds on her carpet. "What did you think you could just shoot me in the back of the head? You can't just kill me like in the movie, I have my Pinkie sense for that." She finishes the pony off with one shot to his face, and turns around to see the last three hired guns run into her house. All of her men were dead, but Pinkie Pie still counted it a victory as she quickly killed off the last of Trixie's hit squad.
Rainbow Dash walks in carrying a tray full of cupcakes, and this startles Pinkie Pie. Pinkie fires a single shot and hits Dash in her front leg. "Oops , sorry Dashie. But hey at least you aren't the only one who needs medical attention here. I've been shot more times than 50 cent and I think I overdosed on cocaine!"
"You have really become a bitch lately Pinkie," Rainbow Dash retorts as she lays on the ground bleeding. She passes out from blood loss.
Celestia slams through the ceiling. "Pinkie did you just kill all these ponies; because if you have become a mass murdering drug lord than I have to execute you."
"Aww crap," Pinkie says as she reloads her weapon, "this AGAIN!"
Author's Note
Because that last one wasn't bad enough, I present Pinkie Pie as Scarface. Just imagine Pinkie with the Tony Montana voice the whole time.
