The Incredible Drake: His Return

An Old Headache

Spike woke up groggily and was blinded by the sun beating on his eyes. Suddenly he felt a pain like a railroad spike being driven through his skull and his balance was off by miles. He got steady but then he heard somepony in the bathroom vomiting. He slowly, trying to keep his balance, walked to the bathroom and as he held onto the doorway, he saw his fiance, who had a mangled mane and wrinkled clothes, with her head in the toilet.

“Rarity what the buck happened last night?” Spike asked her who just looked up at him with a look of pure loathing.

“I-I cannot really remember Spike. All I remember is that drinking challenge Pinkie set up for us.” Rarity replied as she held her stomach.

“Please don’t mention drinking. I think after those twenty vodka shots, I’ll never drink again.” Spike said quickly making Rarity giggle before gagging.

“Spike, could you….hold my mane back?” She asked as she gagged. Spike quickly grabbed her mane as she threw her head back into the toilet and vomited again.

I never thought Rarity would chug that much alcohol. Spike thought as he made his grip stay on her mane. He was about to walk out when.

“Yo’ what’s up Spikey!” an all too familiar headache with feathered wings appeared beside him.

“Oh no. It’s-” Spike started.

“ME BUDDY! IT’S ME! DEADPOOL!” The headache interrupted and hugged the Dragon.  Spike pushed him away and impaled him on a broken piece of furniture. “Come on Spike old buddy you know that can’t hurt me… right?” Deadpool said before he pulled out a random book and skimmed through it.

“What’s that?” Spike asked him.

“It’s the story’s script. I need to see somethin’ really quick.” He said as he skimmed through what was ‘The Incredible Drake: His Return’.

“Oh here we are. Yeah Spike, you do remember my powers.” He said as he tossed the book away. Spike only gave a poker face as he turned back to his friends. “Oh don’t worry about them they’ll wake up in a few minutes. My special drink I gave Pinkie should wear off in 3, 2, 1.” True to his word the other five mares in the room woke up each with a hangover. Deadpool closed his book and pulled himself up off of the broken furniture.

“How’d the couch break?” Spike asked as he rubbed his scaly head.

“Oh yeah. Pinkie got into a small wrestling match with Applejack. I wish I had a camera. Then it would be like the hangover!” Deadpool said sadly. Spike ignored him and helped his friends up.

“Oh. Mornin’ Spike.” Applejack said in a groggy voice as she covered her eyes.

“I’ll get you girls some orange juice.” Spike said as he grabbed six glasses and the orange juice carton.

“So girls, how’d you enjoy my little vodka recipe?” Deadpool asked the mares. All of them looked at the griffon with confusion before they realized what he said.

“YOU GAVE PINKIE THE VODKA?!” They asked.

“Well no duh! What are all of you regular einsteins?” Deadpool asked sarcastically. The five mares, and dragon, all facepalmed while a certain party pony was jumping up and down with excitement.

“OH OH YOU HAVE SOME OF THE SCRIPT TOO?!” Pinkie asked as she looked at white pieces of paper.

“HEY! GIVE ME THOSE!” Deadpool yelled as he pulled the papers out of her hand. “YOINK!”

“Aww.” Pinkie said sadly.

“Anyway, Deadpool, how and why are you here?” Twilight asked as she drank her glass of orange juice.

“Well…...Pinkie Pie let me in, I gave her the vodka bottles, and then you girls had a lot of fun.” Deadpool replied.

“So can ya’ explain why Twi’s couch is broken?” Applejack asked.

“Easy. About two and a half bottles later, you and Pinkie got into a drunk wrestling match.” Deadpool said making Applejack blush.

“Don’t worry Applejack, I’ll get it fixed. But Deadpool, why aren’t you hung over?” Twilight asked the griffon.

“HEALING FACTOR BITCH!” Deadpool yelled before Spike sliced his body in half.

“No creature calls Twilight a bitch” Spike growled as the six mares just stared at him before-

“AW MAN THAT WAS AWESOME!! Can you do it again?” Deadpool asked before he put himself back together.

“Eww.” All the mares said as they watched Deadpool’s midsection fuse back together.

“Don’t worry readers. I’m okay.” Deadpool said as he waved his hand. The Mane Six except Pinkie Pie gave him a poker face.

“Deadpool, I think it’s high time you leave.” Spike said as he grabbed the Griffon by the neck sinking his claws in.

“Ow! Ease up on the grip.” Deadpool said.

“Rarity, mind getting the door?” Spike asked her.

“With pleasure.” She replied as she got up.

“Oh let me guess writer, you’re gonna have Spike toss me like a frisbee outta here?” Deadpool asked as he looked up. Spike just glared as he placed his other claw on Deadpool’s legs and threw him as one would throw a frisbee. “TOTALLY CALLED IT!” The griffon yelled as he passed over the horizon. Spike sighed and turned around… “HEY BUDDY!” Only to run into the face of the griffon mercenary.

“AHH!” Spike screamed as he jumped back. “How’d you do that?!” He asked.

“Randomness my friend. Pure...randomness. Just like Pinkie.” Was what Deadpool said to him. “And writers…..COME UP WITH SOMETHING ORIGINAL FOR CELESTIA’S SAKE!” Deadpool then walked back into the Library and sat down on Twilight’s bed.

“Spike….how are we gonna get rid of him?” Twilight whispered into his ear.

“Don’t know. But we need to get rid of him quick. I don’t want him to find out about the You-Know-What.” Spike whispered back.

“Oh you mean the wedding you're having?” Deadpool asked. Spike went slack jawed before Deadpool pulled out the same white book from before. “Script remember?” He said as he waved the book in front of them. Spike felt his eye twitch but before he could rip Deadpool’s head off and shove it up where the sun don’t shine. Rarity could see steam coming out of her fiance’s ear fins and knew he was like a time bomb waiting to blow.

“Deadpool, could you come here for a second?” Spike asked the Griffon. Deadpool without saying anything got off the bed and walked towards the Dragon. Too bad he didn’t notice the cleaver in his hand.

“So what’s-” Deadpool started. But then with one swipe of the cleaver and a good punch, Deadpool’s head flew across the room as his body fell to the ground. “Really Spike is this the best you can- HEY WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! OH GOD NO!” Deadpool yelled as he shoved Deadpool’s head up his ass.

“Talk about having your head in your ass.” Spike said when he was finished. Deadpool then pulled it out but his head had a notable amount of brown stain markings on it. Before he could get a rant started the whole room started to shake.

“What the buck?!” Spike said as he tried to keep on his feet.

“Oh shit. I think she found me.” Deadpool said. Spike knowing he’d regret it placed Deadpool’s head back onto his body.

“Thanks.” Deadpool said.

“Not welcome. Anyway, who followed you?” Spike asked.

“Her name’s Arclight. She’s a super powerful Pony. And my ex.” Deadpool explained.

“I see why.” Rarity said.

“Anyway, you guys gotta hide me.” Deadpool said. Spike gave him a look of loathing before he heard a mare yell out.

“DEADPOOL!!!” Arclight yelled while Deadpool yelped and hid under the bed. He then popped his head out and looked into nothingness before he talked.

“Not cool guys really not cool.” Before he teleported out of the bed outside in front of the raging ex marefriend.

“Arclight! W-What’s up?” He asked as he got off the bed.

“Shut it Deadpool.” She said angrily as her hand glowed.

“Look babe-” Deadpool started.

“Don’t babe me!” She yelled making Deadpool yipe before he started to run.

“Look hotty, we can work things out! Just don’t shoot me!” He screamed as he ran. Meanwhile inside the Library, Spike was cracking up and nearly falling on the floor as he watched Deadpool being shot like a duck.

“DID YOU SEE THE LOOK ON HIS FACE! OH MY CELESTIA THAT WAS PRICELESS!” He screamed in laughter, all the others joining him except for Pinkie Pie.

“I don’t see what’s so funny about this. All I see is a bunch of meanies who are letting some bigger meanie hurt one of our friends.” Pinkie said. The laughter in the room soon started to die down when they saw Pinkie’s hair. Instead of being puffy as it always was, her hair was now flat. This only happened when Pinkie was very, very sad. The girls and Spike could’ve sworn that their hearts stopped pumping. Spike then got up and walked over to his friend.

“Pinkie, as much as I hate to say it, you’re right.” Spike said as he placed a hand on her shoulder. Twilight and the others nearly fainted. But as soon as he said that, Pinkie’s hair puffed back up.

“THEN LET’S GEAR UP AND SAVE DEADPOOL!” Pinkie screamed as she bounced downstairs. Spike sighed in relief as he went big and green again. Miss me Spike? An all too familiar voice asked him. Spike pushed him out of his mind for a moment and then charged outside to see… Deadpool dancing with Arclight?

“Wait, first she was shouting at him. Now she’s dancing with him. What’s going on?” Twilight asked.

“Beats me.” Rainbow, other wise known as Soar replied.

“Hey guys! Wanna join us?!” Deadpool asked as he swung Arclight around. Spike still looked dumbstruck but that was before he noticed the bullet hole in Arclight’s head. Spike nearly barfed at the sight as Deadpool just rolled his eyes. “Oh grow up dude. She was just a clone see?” Deadpool pulled her head back to reveal a barcode on the back of her neck.

“Wait you mean you knew she was a clone?” Spike asked, still a little queasy from the macabre dance that Deadpool was continuing.

“Nope. Just took my shot. I turned her on her gut and hey I find the barcode.” Deadpool replied as he dropped the clone’s body.

“Well it isn’t nice to dance with a body. Clone or not.” Pinkie said.

“What do you think I do on my jobs. Speaking of jobs, I gotta find you a wedding gift Spike. BYE!” He screamed as he ran off into the horizon.

“Finally. He’s gone.” Spike said in relief as he sat down on the ground.

“Spike, how about we get back to the Library and sat down?”  Rarity suggested.

“Alright.” He said as he got up. He then followed her and the girls back into the Library and sat down on the floor. After he turned back into Spike, Rarity came over and sat down next to him. But Spike noticed that she was lighter than usual.

“Rarity, are you okay?” He asked her in a worried voice.

“I’m fine Spike. Just a little….queasy that’s all.” She replied. Spike then looked at the clock and saw the time.

8:30 A.M? Maybe she’s still got a hangover. He suggested in his thoughts. Spike then leaned in and kissed Rarity on her cheek.

“I love you Spike.” Rarity said to him.

“I love you too.” He said back.