Friends With Discounts

by Hyzaku

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 2505

Ponyville's premier pranksters pull Ponyville's princess into their latest prank, but after the town's rumor mill completely misconstrues the situation, Twilight finds herself in rather hot water. Still, maybe getting that license isn&

Ponyville's premier pranksters pull Ponyville's princess into their latest prank, but after the town's rumor mill completely misconstrues the situation, Twilight finds herself in rather hot water.
Still, maybe getting that license isn't ALL bad...

Now with 100% more dramatic readings!

Published 2013-10-12 03:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-10-12 03:40:02 UTC

A Prank Too Far

It was a rather ordinary day in Ponyville. At least, as ordinary as one can be when the local princess hides in bushes discussing pranks.

Twilight Sparkle listened intently as her friends explained their plan. However, no matter how many times she heard it, it just seemed to lack one crucial detail. “Rainbow, Pinkie, I really don’t think this is a good plan,” Twilight spoke up.

Rainbow Dash shot Twilight an exasperated expression. She groaned, “Twi, stop complaining and just get out there already.”

“The entire prank is predicated on the assumption that she’s going to say a single, specific phrase!” Twilight snapped. “If she says anything else when I approach her, then the entire plan is a failure.”

A sudden series of bubbly giggles from Pinkie quickly stole Twilight’s attention. “Don’t worry, Twilight. Half the fun of pranking is just trying. Even Rainbow Dash and I fail sometimes.”

“Yeah, just go for it,” Rainbow added right before she shoved the unprepared alicorn out of the bush. “You’ll do fine, now get going.”

Twilight glanced nervously around the marketplace, desperately hoping that nopony had seen her sudden emergence from the bushes. Her eyes scanned over the crowd, but she was unable to see any signs that she was being observed. Either nopony had seen her, or a princess popping out of a random bush into the market simply didn’t rank as a noteworthy occurrence in Ponyville anymore. Twilight hoped for the former, but was entirely convinced it was the latter.

With a sigh, Twilight turned towards her destination. As she weaved through the crowd toward the familiar apple stand, she failed to notice that a certain mint colored unicorn was following her.

Were it anypony else, somepony might have become suspicious at the mint unicorn slinking along the ground through the crowded market. Instead, the ponies simply resigned to giving her no more attention than a slight giggle, or a shake of their heads. After all, it was just Lyra being Lyra again.

“Target spotted. Commencing reconnaissance mission,” Lyra whispered to herself. She sneakily slipped from cover to cover, careful to always stay a few steps behind the purple pony she was tailing. Like a cat stalking its prey, she crept along the ground to stay out of her target’s sight. It was only a matter of time now. Sooner or later, her prey would drop her guard and Lyra would pounce. “Just you wait, Pinkie Pie. Today is the day I’ll finally beat your record for ‘most hugs given to unaware ponies’.”

Just then, her prey came to a stop at a familiar apple stand.

Applejack waved at Twilight as she approached her stand. It was always nice when her friends stopped by during market day. A friendly chat always made the time go by that much faster. With her signature smile and a tip of her hat Applejack spoke first. “Howdy, Twilight. What can I do ya for?”

Twilight came to a stop in front of the apple cart, right where customers always tended to stop. She leaned forward as a sultry smirk appeared on her face. “Well,” she paused briefly as a small blush spread across her cheeks. “Normally I go for twenty bits, but for you I’ll go as low as ten.”

Applejack’s pupils shrank to pinpricks. Thoughts froze as her jaw flapped uselessly. She stood stock still, unable to break eye contact. Silence reigned as Applejack attempted to process what she had heard.

Somewhere amongst the market crowd, a pair of mint ears perked up.

Meanwhile, after several awkward moments of Twilight retaining her full composure, Applejack’s brain finally restarted itself. “Th-that’s absolutely not what I meant!” she exclaimed.

Twilight continued to stare seductively. “How about five?”

A small gasp escaped from the mint unicorn. Lyra swiftly stood up and bolted in the opposite direction of her former prey. “Oh gosh, oh gosh, oh gosh,” a smile spread across her lips. “Just wait til Bon Bon hears about this!”

Applejack’s eye twitched. “I, guh… what?”

It was at that moment that the farmer noticed a slight crack in her friend’s composure. Twilight had just tried to stifle a laugh. Not a second later, a nearby bush erupted with an oddly familiar laughter, stealing the farmer’s attention for a moment. Applejack turned her gaze back to Twilight who was now on the verge of breaking into her own fit of laughter. Applejack narrowed her gaze. “Oh, har har, just yuk it up, Twilight. Ya got me good with that one.”

Surprising nopony whatsoever, a laughing Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie stumbled out of the bush. As Applejack finally gave in to the mirth, the four friends were able to share a laugh.

Rainbow Dash leaned back on the library’s stairs as she cracked open a Daring Do book. Remembering the previous day’s prank, she grinned fondly. “You know, Twi, you did pretty good yesterday. With a bit of practice, I bet you could become an expert prankster in no time.”

“Be that as it may, I think I’d rather spend my time more constructively,” Twilight responded without looking up from her own book.

A sudden pounding on the front door drew the two ponies’ attention. When the series of loud knocks repeated, Twilight stood and made her way to the door. With a flick of magic, the door swung open to reveal a pair of pegasi clad in the standard royal guard’s armor. Twilight wasn’t certain, but she could have sworn that their normally expressionless visages were tinted with irritation. “Princess Twilight Sparkle, you have been charged with one count of public solicitation of sexual services without a permit. We need you to come with us, quietly.”

Twilight balked. “Excuse me?”

Rainbow Dash closed her book and looked over to the scene at the door.

The guard replied in a somehow sterner tone, “We have witnesses who can attest to seeing and hearing you attempt to solicit your services yesterday at the market.”

Twilight visibly relaxed, now she understood the situation. “Oh, that was just a prank I was pulling on my friend Applejack. Clearly this is just a case of somepony not hearing the entire conversation between us.”

The guards frowned. “That’s what they always say, ma’am. I’m still going to need you to come with us.”

Suddenly, Rainbow Dash interjected. "Hey! Twilight’s saved the world, like, five times or something! Who cares if she also has sex for money?”

“The law is the law, ma’am. Even a princess is still accountable for her behavior.” The guard turned back to Twilight, who was looking rather annoyed at this point. “Princess, did you, or did you not say ‘Normally I go for twenty bits, but for you I’ll go as low as ten.’?”

Twilight grimaced. “Yes, I said that. It was part of the joke!” she exclaimed as her wings flared in frustration.

Unfazed, the guard replied stoically. “Solicitation of sexual services by an unregistered pony is not a joke, Princess. Now, if you have no further objections, please come with us to the Mayor’s office so we can resolve this issue.”

Twilight shot a death glare at Rainbow Dash. “I am going to get you back for this, Rainbow!” Then, in the most dramatic way possible, Twilight turned her back to the blue pegasus. “Very well, sirs. Let us resolve this mistake with haste.”

The guard who had remained silent up to this point suddenly saluted. “Permission to speak off the record, Princess?”

Twilight paused briefly, confused by the sudden request. “Um, okay.”

The guard nodded. “Forgive me if this is too presumptuous, Princess, but I wanted to offer you some advice.”

Twilight eased her lips into a smile. “Of course. Let’s hear it.”

By all accounts, he looked extremely nervous all of a sudden. The guard swallowed, clearing a lump from his throat. “W-well, Princess…” he trailed off as his confidence faltered. “Um, I think…”

“Yes?” Twilight asked, keeping her smile as soft as possible to try to coax a response out of him.

The gentle warmth of the princess’ smile soaked in, slowly restoring the nervous guard’s confidence. “Twenty bits is far too cheap for your services, Princess!” he blurted out.

Twilight could feel her eye starting to twitch.

Twilight sat across from a very disappointed looking Mayor Mare. "Princess Twilight, you must know that despite being Princess Celestia’s personal student, sister of the captain of the royal guard, savior of Princess Luna, and being responsible for saving all of pony kind on multiple occasions, you won't receive any special consideration."

Twilight’s eye had yet to cease twitching. “How many times to I have to tell everypony? It. Was. A. Prank!”

Mayor Mare sighed. “Princess, I honestly expected better from you. I can’t believe you are trying so hard to avoid paying the registration fee.”

“I’m not avoiding anything! I’m being framed!” Twilight shouted, slamming her hooves onto the Mayor’s desk.

“The registration process is in place to help you, Princess. It guarantees you medical coverage for any services you might require to ensure that you aren’t spreading anything around. It also makes sure that the crown receives its proper share of your income when tax season rolls around.”

“I am not spreading anything–”

Mayor Mare interjected, “Except your back legs. Yes, I’m familiar with that turn of phrase, Princess.” She sighed heavily. “Look, Twilight. I’m telling you this as a friend. We have witnesses proving what you said to Applejack. You can either pay the registration fee now, or you can go to jail until we organize a proper court hearing for your case.”

Twilight’s only response was a more rapid twitching of her eye. Mayor Mare began to feel her composure being slowly chipped away by the Princess’ malevolent glare. “Look, if you pay the fee I can backdate your registration card a few days and we can sweep this whole mess under the rug. Then all you have to do is just let your registration lapse next year and nopony will even have to know about this.” The glare did not relent. “I’m sorry, but that’s really the best I can offer. How about I promise to ‘lose’ your file once your registration lapses?” The mayor couldn’t help but notice a small spark in Twilight’s eyes.

A sly grin crept over Twilight’s lips. “Actually, Mayor, I have a question for you.”

Twilight strolled confidently back to her home. The door opened with a flick of magic. Inside, Rainbow Dash was still reading the same book from earlier. Twilight wiped the smirk from her face, looking at Rainbow with a neutral expression. “I’m back, Rainbow Dash, and I have great news for you.”

The blue pegasus looked up from her book, grumbling slightly about being interrupted. “That’s great, Twi. So, did ya get that prostitute stuff all sorted out?”

“Yes,” Twilight replied as the sly grin slowly revealed itself. “Yes, I did. I also took the liberty of filling out your registration while I was there.”

“That’s great, Twi.” Rainbow replied nonchalantly, not having actually paid attention to the conversation. “I’m just gonna get back to Daring Do now.”

“Actually, Rainbow, I have other plans for you today.”

“Uh-huh.”

“You see, you are currently registered, not only as a prostitute, but also as my employee.” Twilight continued to grin as her words slowly sunk into the pegasus’ head. “That means I have the legal right to sell your services to other ponies.” Rainbow’s book fell to the floor with a thud. “Now come with me, Rainbow. I’m going to make my money back for those registration fees.”

A soft lavender glow enveloped Rainbow’s body before she could even flap her wings.

With pegasus in tow, Twilight trotted up to Applejack’s cart in the market square. It was clear, from the lack of strange looks she was receiving, that a princess magically dragging one of her friends through town was also not a noteworthy occurrence in Ponyville. Pleased that she wasn’t attracting undue attention, Twilight turned to face Applejack. “Hello, Applejack.”

The farm pony turned quickly at the sound of her friend’s voice. “Twilight! Oh goodness, are you okay? Some of them guard ponies came by earlier asking about that prank of yours yesterday. I think they were taking things a bit too seriously. I tried to set ‘em straight, but I’m not too sure they believed me.”

A cheshire smile set the tone for Twilight’s response. “Oh, don’t worry about that. Everything worked itself out.” Twilight leaned in close and whispered to Applejack. “By the way, Rainbow has something she wants to ask you.”

Twilight floated Rainbow over and placed her hooves down next to Applejack. As Applejack took stock of the situation, she immediately noticed something odd about her blue friend. She tried to stifle a laugh, but failed.

Rainbow returned the laughter with a scowl.

A few moments passed as Applejack composed herself. “So, RD, you always been into fishnets and makeup, or is this a new scheme to get the Wonderbolts’ attention?” The pegasus simply growled at her.

Twilight cleared her throat. “Alright, Rainbow. Go ahead, just like we discussed.”

“Don’t think I won’t get you back for this, Twilight.”

Twilight reached a hoof up and slapped Rainbow in the head. “That’s not what you’re supposed to say.”

Rainbow winced, rubbing the sore spot. “Alright, fine.” She turned to Applejack, with no energy in her voice, “Twenty bits and I’m yours.”

Applejack raised a hoof to rub her chin. “So, twenty bits and I get to have fun with you, right?”

Shock washed over Rainbow’s face. “Y-yeah… Hey, you’re not actually–”

Rainbow was interrupted by another smack from Twilight. “Don’t try to dissuade customers.”

The orange mare contemplated the strange scene as the pieces slowly came together. “I see, so that’s how it is.” She nodded excitedly. “Alright, deal.”

Applejack was unable to contain her laughter. The mirth began to flow in waves, the orange pony rolled on the floor, hooves around her gut as the laughter escaped. Just as the fit of laughter began to die down, she cracked an eye open. Being greeted by the sight of Rainbow Dash in the puffiest, frilliest dress imaginable was enough to send her into yet another fit of laughter.

“As much as I have to thank you for this rare opportunity, Applejack, I would greatly appreciate if you could be a little less distracting.” Rarity fussed as she walked back into the main room of her workshop carrying a large collection of makeup and hair products. “Alright, Rainbow Dash, the dress fitting is done. Now it’s time for your makeover.” A small squee escaped the fashionista’s lips. “Oh you have no idea how long I’ve been wanting to get my hooves on the mess of a mane of yours.”

As Rarity dragged Rainbow to her styling chair, Applejack managed to calm her laughter enough to speak.. “Best twenty bits I ever spent.”