Forever Inside A Fishbowl
So here we are. Here we are, sitting by the ol’ fire, just you and I. I think you might want to know more about me, I mean, we’ve been traveling together for nearly a decade, haven’t we? Sometimes I wonder that, if I could hear you, if I could understand you. As much as I want to believe you at least to some degree understand me, and I understand you, I just don’t know. How is it, not being able to talk to me? Probably easier not having ponies badgering you for a response every minute. I guess you do, huh? Where should I start, do you think? We’ve got time. Cutiemark? Sure, we can go with that.
So I was... er, ten, when I got it. Don’t look at me like that, it was a long time ago, okay? I know I ought to remember. It’s just that it’s basically become just a butt tattoo now; its been like that for longer than not. It’s a lot less interesting than the scars you’ve given me!
I got it by finding a cat. Of all things, I got it through finding a cat. I mean, there’s no better way than to use a Cutiemark altruistically, but finding my neighbor’s cat, really? You already know by now, I’m sure I’ve told you before, but this eyeglass is supposed to represent my superior skills of deduction. They’re just so superior, darling... My friends used to think I was funny. I never did. But yeah, some mare asked me to find her cat, I got our little prepubescent gang together and after some asking around, we found it. She was sleeping in a dog kennel as it turned out. Good we found her before the dog did.
But I have a hard time remembering my foalhood, y’know. Maybe that’s what a decade of traveling does to you. Maybe I’m old and senile. You don’t look quite as pretty when the sun’s down, do you? Not that there’s anything wrong with that, you’re a creature of fire. But fire looks prettier at night. Bah, I’m getting my analogies mixed up, ignore that.
There was my education, of course. Boring as Tartarus. I don’t know how some kids can find entertainment in pretending to be dumb. But some of them did. I guess that’s what’s in for most of us ponies, to be carried into the big world, only knowing stability and nothing else. What was it like for you? Did your mother and father leave you as soon as you’d hatched? That’s how I’ve heard it goes for phoenixes, but I’m not going to ever know really, am I? No I’m not.
Before I tell you anything else, I ought to tell you, something. It’s er, kinda important. You might have already have figured it out, but I can’t tell, so I’ll tell you anyway. There’s a reason as to why I’ve meandered with you for all this time. Its not very nice... Fucking spit it out Charlie, its not like anypony’s going to hear you in the middle of the woods! Sorry, I feel guilty when I swear in front of you, like you're Celestia’s messenger or something. For all I know you are. I’m married, you see. Her name’s Kyra. Gorgeous mare. I’ve regretted it ever since, but I, uh, left her. I was – am a real coward. She was pregnant and loving while I was craven and insincere. I’ve been building up the courage to go and see her again. We’ll reach Yanhoover tomorrow, I think she’s still there. She hasn’t been in any of the other of the other places we’ve been to, unless I’ve missed her.
I’m sure you remember how you gave me these scars, yeah? How I got smashed, and spent five months in hospital because you tried to stop me making a fool of myself. Yeah, you remember. I sort of wanted that to happen. I wanted to let her know I was alive through the papers. Why would she have cared? She wouldn’t have ‘effing cared. She’d be raising our son and telling him what a terrible pony his father was.
Hello, decided to come onto my shoulder have you? Serious claws you got there. Could rip ponies apart if you wanted. No, don’t take that as an invitation to crush me, I know that cheeky look of yours. You were shocked to first see me in Everfree, weren’t you? You fell off your tree! And looked me as if I were an alien! Oi, don’t peck me, you silly bird, I’m just teasing you. Feels like we’re having a lover’s quarrel. The fire’s getting low, so unless you want me to freeze to death, get off me - thanks.
I got into drinking in my teenage years, on and off at first. It was fun... still is really. For me the best way to fight some boredom was to play with risk, but I wasn’t brave enough to dip my hoof into heavier stuff. Real drugs my friends called them. But I guess you don’t understand my plights, you're just a phoenix. Apparently you care for them, or me, else you wouldn’t be here, but I shouldn’t be of any concern to you. I’ve given up trying to shove you away proper though, you’re definitely too stubborn.
I wonder how you’ll remember me sometimes. Dot on a canvas, something like that? Yeah, you seem to agree with me. Maybe you’ll remember the things I didn’t do, I don’t know, give you a name or something like that. But there’s still time for that. There’s still time for that. Do you get lonely in that magnificent head of yours? I think I would. You’d have to be so damn cold to just live, or go out with a bang. Have you grown to love the world - are you sick of loss - doesn’t it bother you anymore? Did it ever? Maybe I should tell you what its like being mortal, if you are as fascinated with it as I am with you. I mean, I get it, its difficult, neither one of us has experienced it to be any different than what we lived. Its like trying to imagine what it looks like outside a fishbowl, when you’ve been inside the fishbowl forever.
So I’d put it like this, you're desperately trying to cram everything you can into your meager existence, but you’re afraid of it. You get me? You’re probably better at understanding this stuff than me, and wording it probably.
So yeah, we might be able to see her tomorrow, if only the moment she slams the door in my face. Our son’s called Jacob. He must be a teenager himself by now - stronger than me. What do you think his Cutiemark is? Assuming he’s found it. I hope he has one that’s more useful than my eyeglass. What’s it like not having one? Yeah, I’m talking to you, punk... Hahaha, I knew that’d get you, you always take things too seriously! Look at you, all high and mighty! Hasn’t anypony ever tried to have a little fun with you before? I guess not. But really, I don’t know what it’d be like, living your whole life without having one. Is it liberating as some ponies say? I haven’t met many, but griffins say its like just being flexible, apparently. I can appreciate that not having your foalhood branded on your bum is probably kinda nice. Why do we even have cuitemarks anyway? You should ask Celestia that, next time you see her. She might not know anyway.
Do your phoenix-friends care about you, or your parents, or whatever? As in, the same sense that say, equine parents do, some of the time? I don’t think they do. You don’t looked loved enough, somehow. I just feel like you’re not loved, but I’m not sure why. Maybe its how you almost never cry... Maybe its that. Don’t be offended, you know I don’t mean to. Yeah, you’re fine with it, good. I’m ashamed that, I’m uncomfortable to tell you this but, I er... I like um... love... I’ll tell you tomorrow, okay? Its not important, and I’m still a coward. I can tell you about Kyra, but I can’t tell you about this. It's just ridiculous.
Having said that, I’ve stayed up longer talking to you than I should have, not that it's your fault. It's a big day tomorrow, but there’s just one more thing. I haven’t given you a name. I didn’t think you needed one, but I don’t know, others might feel better if you had one. I tell you what, I’m not going to give you a name now but I will before I die. Take it for what you want, I can’t think that being named by what you presumably see as a passing thing, is the most prestigious way to get a title. Maybe it’ll help me remember you.
Sleep tight, don’t let the parasprites bite, as my mother would say.
