Scallywags: Band of Misfits

by TheManWhoWouldBeSteve

Rating: teen
Tags: Dark, Comedy, Adventure
Length: 1631

The elements are useless. The army has been defeated. Celestia is running out of time. Only one option is left for the salvation of Equestria. The Scallywags: the most vile, psychotic, unscrupulous band of misfits in the land.

Darkness falls on the land. The army has been defeated. The elements are useless. Equestria is on the brink of annihilation, and Celestia is at the end of her rope. Only one option remains. The last possible hope for the world's salvation.

The Scallywags: the greatest association of misfits and outcasts ever to join together under the banner of… they don't really have a banner, actually. Sometimes they're heroes. Sometimes they're bandits. Sometimes they're thieves. Sometimes they're genocidal loons intent on wiping out a small nation's worth of lives. And sometimes they're interior decorators.

They don't like labels.

Only they can put a stop to the coming apocalypse. It will be a perilous quest, fraught with dangers of all sorts. Greed-driven bandits dwelling under the surface of the land, cultists bent on forcibly spreading the unholy word of their ancient gods, wretched serpents from the deepest pits of the underworld, the living dead, lots of drugs, hookers, hookers on lots drugs, undead hookers on lots drugs, lords of darkness and fear, and whatever other horrid obstacles the cosmic masters of karma feel that our murderous protagonists deserve to have brought down upon them. Not that they'd care. In fact, they'd quite enjoy it.

(This has no correlation with the movie Pirates: Band of Misfits or pirates in general. Actually, there might be pirates. Maybe. Why not?)

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-10-13 07:30:03 UTC

Chapter 1: Celestia's Dilemma

Celestia laid on the rug in front of the fireplace without her regalia on, warming her coat by the crackling flame. Spread out around her were hundreds of documents and papers, each detailing a different aspect of the same tragedy. She levitated one particular document in front of her eyes, rereading it for the dozenth time to ensure she did not misunderstand anything. The flickering light of the fire danced across the page as she returned to the top to make one final pass.

It was the latest war report straight from the front, and the news it relayed was devastating. It told of grueling, bloody combat, all for naught. Of great loss, innumerable casualties, and incalculable body counts. It told of an unstoppable enemy, ruthless and unrelenting. Of an army in full retreat, running with their tails between their legs from a foe that was simply too terrifying to face. It told of the broken lines that left Canterlot, the heart of Equestria, wide open to assault.

It told of an unspeakable evil that was coming to kill everyone.

She reached the bottom of the letter and stared at the final words. She furled the report and set it down with the rest of the documents littering the floor. All day, as she dealt with military affairs and argued with nobles and the like, she had kept up the facade of a fearless leader standing tall against an enemy that she knew they had no chance against. She did it for her people. They needed someone to follow, to look up to in this time of darkness. But now, in the privacy of her chambers, she let it out.

Tears brimmed at the edges of her eyes and trickled down her porcelain cheeks. They splashed delicately against the papers below as she shut her eyes tightly, trying to fight the pain. She tried to convince herself that she was doing the best she could, that the situation was just out of her control. But no matter how many times she reassured herself that she doing all that she could in her power, the agony of knowing that her subjects were dying, being slaughtered in droves by a remorseless enemy on the front, was too much to bear. Their lives were being wasted in a vain effort to push him back. He could not be pushed back.

She imagined his sick pleasure as he feasted on the life essence of her helpless people. She envisioned the screams and expressions of horror as his armies ransacked the smaller settlements that weren’t evacuated in time. It killed her inside, and filled her with both seething rage and utter helplessness. They were losing, and there was nothing that she could do about it.

She scolded herself for being weak, for not being able to strike down the foe and bring safety and happiness to her beloved subjects. Logically, she knew that this thinking was detrimental and only persisted in bringing her internal suffering and accomplished nothing. But she could fight the emotions no longer. Over the course of the day, the stress and sadness accumulated and collected inside of her. She was forced to sit on her throne and watch as everything she had ever known and loved was slowly being eaten away by this acidic evil that plagued her land.

She was just about to fall over on her side and let the sorrow take her completely, when the chamber doors were flung inward. Her eyes shot open in surprise, and she quickly wiped away the tears, desperately trying to ensure that no one saw their fearless leader in such a lowly state.

“Princess!” Shining Armor yelled from the doorway, “The troops from the front have returned! We need to plan our next move!”

Celestia slowly got to her hooves, magically grabbing and adorning her royal attire. Without turning to him, she spoke gently, “Assemble the council, Shining Armor.”

“Yes, your highness!” And with that, he left to perform the task.

Celestia breathed deeply while looking at herself in the mirror, attempting to bury her qualms for the time being. She steeled herself, preparing to once again put on the mask of an inspiring leader. She would need it for the heated arguments about to take place.

_________________________________________________________________________

“We need to ready the troops immediately!”

“No! We need to evacuate! The troops are too weak and few in number to defend Canterlot!”

“Evacuate and let those wretches take our city!? Never!”

“Then you will most certainly meet your end here!"

“We need to strike back! Attack them before they reach the city!”

“How would that accomplish anything? We would simply be meeting our demise sooner rather than later! And how would we strike back? Our resources are drained as it is!”

“The elements! We need to try the elements again!”

“Fool! They did nothing the first time!”

“They are our greatest weapon!”

“AND THEY’RE USELESS!”

Celestia sat silently, agitation forming in her mind. The meeting played out exactly as she predicted, with every member of the council, nobles, generals, advisers, all getting into a screaming match. So far, no useful tactics had been discussed, and all that was achieved was perpetuation of the fact that they were all doomed.

“Perhaps there was an error when we used the elements. I’m sure that if we tried again, we would be met with more successful results,” Princess Twilight said.

“Of course you would have such confidence in the elements! You’re the leader of that little trinket formation!” an older stallion on the council spat.

“I don’t see you concocting any genius schemes!” Shining Armor fired back in defense of his sister.

“You want a plan!? How about we evacuate before our skulls adorn his wall!”

A noticeable twitch was present on Celestia’s features. All of this debate was pointless, and only made her subjects bicker and quarrel with each other for no reason. Her annoyance was growing by the minute.

“We refuse to let those disgusting demons take our city without a fight!” Luna bellowed. “And what of the will of the people!? If we run, their spirit will be crushed!”

“A crushed spirit is a small price to pay for living!” another stallion barked.

“NO! If we start running now, we will never stop!” Luna hollered.

“Yes!” a general concurred. “We need to fortify! Ready our defenses and fight this enemy down to the last pony!”

“What about an alliance? We could recruit the griffons to fight alongside us! They would surely oblige if they have any wits about them, as this evil will set its sight on them next!” a councilman said.

“They won’t help us! Our relations with them have been anything but amicable over the past few decades! Why, they are probably watching our destruction for amusement! Their pride is too great! They will not see reason and side with us, and will instead stand alone and meet their end separately!” the older stallion yelled.

Celestia was now becoming enraged. This was folly. Nothing was being done except for her ponies turning on each other like a pack of dogs. She was trembling with bottled up fury.

“You are all simpletons! Our only option is to retreat! We could use the bought time to study our foe, find a weakness!” a noble pony added.

“We’ve already studied our foe, and there is no weakness!” a military adviser berated.

“What about magic? What have our mages discovered?” a noblemare questioned.

“Nothing! There is no spell that will affect them!” the old stallion snarled.

“What about a master wizard? A powerful warrior? Someone we could hire to fight the evil? Some of the strongest fighters in the world offer their services for money!” a council member suggested.

“There is not enough coin in Equestria to convince any to fight against an enemy like this! And even if there were a fool stupid enough to fight these armies for monetary gain, they would not be strong enough to last!”

Celestia was gritting her teeth, sheer ire threatening to burst out. Suddenly, her tightly clenched eyes flew open. The last idea, about mercenaries for hire, gave to her an idea of her own. It was a gamble. An insane risk. It was possibly the most dangerous choice she would ever make. Either face the coming evil head on in battle and be destroyed, or… She shivered. Compared to the idea she was about to propose, being slaughtered by the enemy was becoming a very tempting option.

She took in a deep breath, and roared in the intones of the royal Canterlot voice, “SILENCE!”

All in the room immediately quieted themselves and gawked at her, shocked at her painfully loud outburst. Her eyes slowly swept the room, making sure she had a captive audience. She cleared her throat and softly spoke to her sister, “Luna?”

“Yes, Sister?” the Princess of the Night responded.

“I think we need to get in touch with them,” Celestia said gravely.

“Who, Sister?” Luna asked with a look of confusion.

Celestia turned and leveled a stern gaze at her. Luna still appeared confounded, but after a moment, the tone in her sister's voice and the look she gave finally sunk in, and her expression of consternation quickly turned into one of complete horror.

“No… No, Sister, please!” Luna begged, panic in her voice and pupils shrunk to pinpricks. “Not them! Anyone but them! I would sooner throw myself into the hostile hordes than deal with them! We would be better off simply letting the demonic masses kill us all than contacting them!”

“Uhm, who are we talking about?” Twilight asked.

Celestia sighed deeply. “Either our saviors, or the biggest mistake I’ll ever make. Where is Spike?”