Soul Fire

Amber was so drained that she fell asleep with her head against his shoulder. Some of her blood had leaked from her wound down onto his chest. He had to hold tight onto himself just to keep from yelling at her all over again. The monster within him was screaming to get back out. How could she fall calmly asleep in these arms? His and the monsters arms! How could she fall asleep when she should be terrified of him? Flying over the calm valleys and forests towards Amber’s home, he growled. She needed to stop this or she was going to destroy herself.

She was kind to everypony, and even sympathetic to her enemies. He knew that it hurt her to intentionally harm another in general, and would rather be harmed then to harm another. He gritted his teeth at the thought. He was at least thankful that when push came to shove, that if she had to, she would fight back rather then let herself get pushed over, but still… That heart of hers... It was not something to be shown for others to harm as some have, but it was something to be protected.

Landing on the lawn before her home, the Captain opened the door and carried her inside to her bed. He had spent some time in here before, so he knew where everything was. Gathering the ointment and gauze, the Captain walked out of the bathroom and grabbed a chair. Pulling it to the bedside, he checked to make sure she didn’t need stitches. The princess’s magic was still in her as the wound had started to close already, even though she had been pierced deeply. After taking care of her wounds, he put everything away and sat down again. The beast itched under his skin still, and he was starting to get used to it, even though he knew the itching was getting worse.

What was he going to do with her? This silly filly wasn’t going to give up. Not on anything, never once had he ever seen her give up. Sure he’d seen her spirit slump to where she would almost give up, and seen her with low self worth, but that was more because she was way too hard on herself then it was on herself giving up. Even in her weakest moments, this young mare still kept fighting. It was almost exhausting to see her do it. He didn’t even want to know what it was like for her. She had his respect, and that wasn’t something he gave often. Even when she was being dumb, it seemed that she still had his respect, because he knew that she was still figuring things out just like every other pony was. She’d made mistakes in her life, and was a little more free-spirited than him, but she seemed to... to just keep moving through all of it.

The Captain looked to her sleeping face, it was filled with soft features even with the worried arch on her brows. The Captains face filled with a mix of sadness and anger. He kissed her on the forehead. Even in her sleep she blushed.

“Someday I will hope to earn your trust enough that you can call me by my first name,” whispered the Captain as he placed a hoof gently on her sleeping face. She relaxed and smiled slightly as she nuzzled her face closer into his hoof. The Captain got up, put the chair away, and paused for only a second as he opened the door and walked outside. It was snowing. It seemed that even the skies wanted to wash him of the blood that still lay upon him. A silly filly indeed, he thought.

Amber woke up to the crackling sound of the glowing fire. She hadn't turned that fire on since before a week ago. Who could've done it? Looking at herself, she could see a bandage around her neck. The Captain was here. He was the only one who tied a bandage in this fashion. Placing a hoof over the smooth white and red stained fabric, she stopped to look at the care that he placed in wrapping it around her neck; not too tight, but not too loose. So that it would stop the bleeding from the obake that had bitten her, but not create any discomfort for her.

She could feel the warmth of the fire on her coat, and the cool winter air leaking through the glass window by her bed. Grabbing hold of the blankets, she felt like cocooning herself in them and never leaving. She realized that she craved the warmth and the comfort. She remembered how as a foal, she used to spend hours under the covers. She felt that within those covers that she was safe and warm and protected. Something that she almost never felt in the arms of her parents, at least that she had not felt for a long, long time. She remembered how she would let her imagination run wild, and how she used to daydream with her eyes closed in bed, escaping to another reality. She remembered that when things were really bad that she would let her depression control her dreams, and how horrible things would happen to her there, things that both have and haven’t happened.

She thought that in a way, those nightmares had prepared her for when some of those things actually did happen in the future. So that when they really happened, then she would be ready for the worse, and then she wouldn’t be hurt as badly, or then she would already have a back up plan. She thought that in the past she had always had a back up plan. Always. Just to save herself from the heartache, and the failure. That was why if someone hurt her that it never phased her, at least not noticeably. She felt that she should always have a back up, and that she shouldn’t let herself get attached to anything, even a dream.

It was a selfish and cold-hearted way to protect one’s self. It was like developing scar tissue or calluses. The more you expose yourself to something, the less you react to it. The more scar tissue you have, the less a blow will cut into you. If she wanted to care for others, she had to care just a little less and develop a thick skin. Amber thought about how the blankets made her feel now. They felt warm, and she never wanted to get out of bed, but she felt cold, like she was holding onto herself. She felt like she was the only one protecting herself. She felt… alone.

Amber looked to the door of her room, as tears stung the edges of her eyes. She slowly got out of bed, wobbling as a minor fainting spell swept through her mind, slowing her thoughts. She had to see if he was still here. Thinking about how being in his arms felt like as if she didn’t have to hold on so hard. She felt safe, like she wasn’t the only one protecting herself. She didn’t feel so alone anymore. She burst into tears. How did this happen? How could she let herself depend on another pony? She felt so weak. She shouldn’t feel the need to be helped.

Feeling as if she was taking her first steps again, she played leapfrog from furniture to furniture. First the bed, then the dresser, the bedroom door, the couch, the table, until she finally stepped out the front door of her house, holding onto the frame as the cold wind chilled her to the bone and froze the now still tears on her checks. Of course he had left, she thought as she bucked up, feeling as if she had closed of her heart a little just to keep it safe. He wouldn't want to be around her with his current state of mind.

She warmed on the inside from an internal blush at the thought of him caring for her, though she sighed as she closed the door. Thinking of how she admired him so much for his strength, and respected him so much for his independence, at the same time she though was saddened. Probably because she felt so selfish at overthinking everything, all so that she could be strong enough, so that she could stop herself from saying anything that she hid inside herself, and that she didn't want to accept. She more so felt selfish because she was lonely and she wished she could help him, she wished that she was able to, but at the same time should respect him. She didn't want to do anything wrong at the same time.

She looked upon herself, and thought about how in the hell can she could help him. He wouldn’t even let her be there for him. And how could she help him when there were times that it seemed that she could barely help herself, especially right now. She was so scared of everything around her. She was scared of losing him, and was scared of everything else on top of it. Of not being able to protect any pony. Scared of just being scared, and terrified and doubtful of herself.

Looking into her hooves, she saw that water had fallen on them, and that they were her tears, her tears of doubt, of fear, and of regret. She was realizing that she felt frozen, that she couldn't move. She was so scared that she felt as if she couldn't even move or even try to do anything. Almost at the same time the fire within her burned, telling her to keep moving forward, keep fighting. She always had that fire within her reminding her not to give up. That flame within her always stopped her from completely giving in. That fire had saved her so many times. The problem was that she felt like the battle that this flame was always fighting was never-ending. She felt as if the flame was starting to go out, as if she had doubted herself so much that she couldn't continue to fight. The fire within her was wearing down from the personal abuse. It wasn't the fact that he wasn't able to protect her or that she wasn't able to protect others either.

She felt so confused and lost, and it was almost too much. It was like everything was attacking her mind all at once. She couldn't move, she couldn't breathe, she couldn’t hear the gasp that had left on her breath, or feel the air move past her lips. She felt her chest and throat tighten until she couldn't breathe. She realized now that she was dry heaving and crying out as much as she could possibly have been. She was breaking down and she knew it. She was holding on for dear life, looking for anything that could at least help her carry on. That could help her keep fighting. She felt so selfish because she felt that she was leaning on him almost too much, or wanting to lean on him too much. She shouldn't have felt so weak, despite the fact that some ponies had called her strong, or whether other ponies had tried to help her stand up in her moments of doubt, and those were truly good friends. And she felt this way even more so whenever he said it.

She felt that each time she felt or did something that benefited herself that she was betraying him, betraying her friends. She looked away into the fire that burned beside her bed. Still crying, still weeping, still hiccupping after every single breath, feeling so tense that she could barely breathe. She felt like she was dying. Not from anything exterior or even anything anyone had done, but that she was killing herself. She was trying too hard to hold into herself and that thin rope that she dangled from. That’s why she shouldn't stop trying. As hard as she was trying to hold on, she still felt like she was going to fall if she didn't, in that moment, do everything she could just to... just to survive the battle within herself. How chaotic her mind was as it tormented her.

The Captain scanned the area from above, looking at the buildings and valleys below as he was passing just slightly over Ponytail. It had been a few weeks since the battle and every pony who had been injured was healing up. He looked down to see Ponytail’s hospital where Freefall was still mending, although he would be released today. Looking down, he could see the moonlight’s glow illuminate the ground and figures below as Freefall and Derpy left the hospital together with smiles on their faces as they laughed. Freefall was so kind to Derpy, and he truly respected his comrade and trusted in his abilities to take care of his little sister.

For some reason, although everything was alright, he could still feel a malicious air around him, and could even feel the presence of Sombre like before when he had felt it during the battle at Ponyville. He didn’t know why, but that energy felt like it was from himself, and that scared him tremendously, like as if he was becoming the malicious energy within him. He barricaded himself internally, not wanting it to come out, and started to breathe heavily. Realizing that he was so scared of himself that he was going to go into a panic, he shot his tri-wings closed and then burst higher into the air.

No! You will not fail. You will not fall. You will not be scared. If he was damned to contain this energy then he will use it against his enemies, even if he was to turn into Sombre himself. He could feel himself being pulled away from his friends, from his family, from every pony that had ever cared about him, especially from her. He could feel himself ebbing away, becoming something else, something he did not want to be, but he felt he had no choice but to become. Looking to the moonlight, he could remember the words that Luna had so strongly, and yet so softly spoken to him. He only wished he was able to do as she had asked, but was scared that he wouldn't be capable to do it. If he couldn’t, then he had decided to at least fight for her, and for Equestria forever, in any possible way that he could, no matter what the cost.