RvB: Equestria Gulch Chronicles

Episode 1: Why Are We Here?

“Hey, have you ever wondered why are we here?”

Outside in the middle of a desolate canyon, stood an empty fortress with two soldiers in iron armor talking on the roof. They had the mark of the sun on their armor, and carried a sword and crossbow on their backs. The Unicorn with a cobalt colored coat and dark blue mane looked at his pegasus friend as if he should know the answer to that question already. To protect this outpost from threats against Equestria. The other stallion had a greenish blue...aquamarine...turquoise...aqua colored coat with a darker and lighter aqua colored mane. The unicorn only sighed as he had to repeat the same thing Command has decided to do to the reserve guard.

“Because Tucker,” The unicorn started. “we’ve been invaded by the changelings, and Celestia and commander Shining Armor ordered all military personnel to defend these new outposts, including the reserves, which includes us.” The pegasus only groaned once again as if he acted like it would change if he asked multiple times.

“But there aren’t any chicks in the mountains,” Tucker whined. “only a bunch of dudes with two bases on opposite sides in the middle of a boxed canyon. We aren’t even real soldiers yet, so why aren’t we back at Canterlot where I can pick up chicks?”

Church thought about this question as well. Why did Command send all the reserves to isolated areas on the northern mountains of Equestria? All he could think about are some possible reasons. Maybe there was a lack of guards to defend the border? To practice keeping their guard up at all times? A new training program to become soldiers themselves? There was a number of reasons they could posted there, but for now they had to wait and see what happens. One things for sure Church can think of was the importance of these bases. These strategically placed outposts on the mountains were made to protect the northern borders of Equestria from the mysterious badlands where a number of strange things reside in them, including the changelings.

“One things for sure is to keep you from harassing the female royal staff from their duties back at Canterlot.” Church said with a smirk.

“Hey, you know they love it.” Tucker argued back. “The ladies love bad-ass soldiers, they chase me around just to get a piece of the Tuck.”

“yeah they sure do.” Church continued. “Especially when they caught you that one time and started beating the crap out of you.” Angered, Tucker frowned only for a second before his smirk came back on his face.

“Tough love Church.” Tucker replied. “They just don’t know they are attracted to me.”

“What the sam hell are you fillies going on about?” A red earth pony stallion said who cut into their conversation. Church and Tucker looked at the surprise newcomer and gave him scornful looks. The stallion had a red coat with a grey mane that spiked upwards. He also wore the same armor and weapons they carried on themselves.

“What do you want Sarge?” Church said to red rival.

“As much as I hate your blue guts,” Sarge said with confidence. “Command ordered me to tell you sorry excuse for soldiers to report over to them pronto.”

“Command? Fine, lets let’s get ready to leave Tucker.” Church said.

“FINALLY, out of this canyon and something to do besides training and being bored out of our minds.” Tucker said with enthusiasm.

The blues went back into their base as Sarge turned around and galloped back to his base at the other side of the canyon. As Church entered back in blue base from the stairs going down, he was welcomed by a blue earth pony with a big happy smile with a slight spring in his step.

“Welcome back Church how are you today?” The blue earth pony said with a smile. “Today is such a nice day!” Tucker came down soon after and was met with an unenthusiastic welcome.

“Oh, hey Tucker.” The earth pony said boringly to his comrade.

“Yeah whatever.” Tucker said with the same expression.

“Alright let’s try to make this meeting quick and painless.” Church said as he rubbed his temple where he knows its going to hurt later. “Caboose, that's you, have to come with us so we can report to Command and see what they want.” Church looked at Caboose hoping he would just nod and say yes as if he understood everything. But you can’t have everything go your way.

“Command? oh no, they never have good news. did somebody die, was it my mom? Is she dead? Or my dad, did my dad die again?” Oh no, its my brother, its him isn’t it? He’s dead isn’t he!?”

“CABOOSE! I don’t have time for this!” Church yelled trying to expel the already built up stress. “No one died, we just need to go to Command and report to them, OK!”

“Oh good, because I don’t even have a brother.” Caboose said with a sigh of relief.

Church was very close to losing his sanity, but of course he realized too late that he already lost that a long time ago from long years of being with Caboose. So ignoring the response, he just wanted to leave as soon as possible to make this experience less painful as it is.

Sarge returned to red base after telling the Blues the orders from Command. As he returned to his base, he saw an orange pegasus with brown unkempt mane sleeping on the job again. The pegasus didn't even have any armor or weapons on him to protect himself. So being the good leader he is, he walked over to the sleeping figure and bucked him with all his might. The pegasus went ten feet across the ground as he tumbled and rolled around in pain.

“SON OF A BITCH!” the pegasus cried out in pain as he held his sides.

“wake up dirt bag.” Sarge said with no guilt in his face (except satisfaction). We also have to go to Command as well, and you’re sleeping on the job again. Get Simmons and Donut so we can head out ASAP, pronto, on the double, HOORAH.”

“Ouch, *grumble* fine. I’ll go get Simmons.” The pegasus said as he went inside red base rubbing his sides. In just a minute, he found a maroon colored unicorn with nerdish black hair cleaning the floors of the halls. The unicorn felt a tingle as if his senses told him his clean floors were threateningly close by the forces of uncleanliness evil. Outside dirt, and Grif. The unicorn turned around and raised a hoof to stop the menace before it was too late.

“Stay where you are Grif,” Simmons said without looking at Grif first. “I’ve spent two hours cleaning these floors, and I am not going to let you dirty them again with your filth.” Grif stopped a few seconds after the warning to which the floors have now received muddy hoof tracks.

“Come on Simmons.” Grif said as mud trailed down his hooves. “Sarge already ruined my morning nap and he’ll buck me again if I don't bring you with me, so come outside or else the floors will get an even dirtier mess then it would've been a minute ago.” His hoof lifted in the air threateningly as it contained lots of loose dirt, Simmons sat on his haunches and waved both his hooves in mid-air and shook them back and forth erratically.

“Fine, just stop moving and fly off my floor.” Simmons said with quietly stressed emphasis. Grif only sighed and nodded to stop this from getting more time off his later nap time.

“Fine I'll do that, now go on, I need to get my armor from my room before we leave.” Grif said as he started flapping his wings which also contained even more loose dirt than his hoof had. As he flew straight towards his room, dirt flung everywhere in the hallways where Simmons cleaned for hours. As the last sight of Grif disappeared behind a different hall, Simmons had already curled up and started to bawl like a baby.

Grif got tired of flying after thirty seconds and continued to trot down random hallways. “A new record!” Grif said in his head. As he reached his room, he saw an armored pink stallion walking closer to his room. “Oh yeah Donut, I better tell him to go to Sarge too.” Grif thought in his mind as he stopped in from of the pink stallion.

“Hey Grif, did you enjoy your nap?” Donut said as he greeted Grif.

“Yeah, before Sarge decided I had to do work, Sarge wanted me to tell you to get ready to leave for Command.”

“Command!” Donut said surprised, “I can’t wait, tell Sarge I’ll be right there, as soon as I finish my hooficure.” With that said, the stallion went on his way as Grif went inside his room to look for buried armor and weapons under his random junk.

“Let’s see...” Grif said as he shoveled through his belongings. “Trading cards, shirts, found the helmet! More clothing, pizza *CHOMP*, now cleaned up. hey! So that’s where I left my comics. Would’ve been useful to help me be lazy. Some arrows, why is this here?” Looking at a box, he saw it was mail for him. Looking around as if someone was spying on him, he saw the area was safe and started ripping duct tape off his package.

“I hope its food, I heard snacks go well with reading comic books.” Grif said aloud. As he finished ripping. Opening it up he looked inside the package. His pupils turned into small dots as his coat turned from orange to yellow and white in seconds. Screaming his head off, he threw the package over his head sending the infernal plastic bat out of the box.

“WHAT KIND OF SICK JOKE IS THIS!?” Grif said through pants of fear.

“Hey! my neck got stiff, that means that somepony finally opened their package and got pranked by me!” Pinkie said.

It was Nightmare Night in Ponyville as ponies dressed up in costumes and went trick or treating. Pinkie was wearing an assortment of multiple costumes that made her more mixed up than Discord. Rainbow Dash, dressed as a shadowbolt again this year, looked at her pink friend, confused by her statement.

“What do you mean Pinkie,” Rainbow asked. “do you know who got pranked?”

“Beats me,” Pinkie said with a shrug. “I only know somepony got my prank, just later than it was supposed too.”

Pinkie, finished with her explanation, continued her search and devour mission of sugary sweets.

Sarge stood outside waiting for half an hour for his other red members to finish getting their armor and weapons before leaving for Command as well. In minutes, a sniffling unicorn, a sleepy pegasus, and a very excited (not that kind of excited) Donut exited the base and stood in front of a very pissed off red stallion.

“Because of you idiots lollygagging inside the base, we are two hours behind schedule!” Sarge said with a very furious tone, “Its about time we left for Command red team. If we are going to get there on time, we need to go straight to Command, no breaks.”

“Yes sir...” moaned two stallions that was either sleepy or depressed.

“Yeah lets go all the way, keep pushing through our long and hard journey.” Donut said excited.

The pink armored earth pony kept on smiling as if he said nothing wrong. Simmons looked with slight disgust and wanted to stop this as soon as possible.

“Donut please,” Simmons said in a pleading tone. “enough with the double entendres.”

“Double entendres,” Donut said confused. “ do you mean a menage a trois?”

“I give up.” Simmons said knowing this wouldn’t work.

“Less talking and more moving you two! Now start galloping or else I’ll give you a reason too!” Sarge said as he threatened them with his lifted crossbow aimed at them.

“Yes sir!” All of the other reds said this time galloping with a dangerous red stallion behind their backs.