Pinkie Pie and the Aggressive Salespony
Pinkie Pie gazed across the cart lot. She had saved up for a few months for this, pulled some extra shifts,scrimped, skimped, and worked odd jobs during her time off. She ran her hoof along the sleek body of a new cart, a sleek and simple base model.
"I see you have your eye on the FlimFlam XZR," A salespony popped up beside her, "A fine choice if I might say."
"No, I'm looking at the Model H." Pinkie Pie tapped her hoof on the wheel rim. "The storage space is really what I'm interested in, the additional three cubic feet in the hidden compartment will really help me out."
"I'm certain the XZR will suit your purposes much better," The salespony insisted, "The Model H simply will not do for a pony of your stature."
"I'm pretty sure I'm the perfect size for it." Pinkie leaned down and inspected the undercarriage. "This is the model with the composite reinforced wheel wells, isn't it?"
"Yes, I think so." The salespony scratched his head. "I'm Hard Seller by the way."
"I'm Pinkie Pie," Pinkie shook the stallion's hoof vigorously, "But I don't care who you are."
"What now?" Seller stammered.
"Ordinarily I would be super excited to meet a new pony. And I would throw you a party with lots of cake, but I can't do that right now." Pinkie patted him on the head. "I know that trying to be my friend is just a salespony's old trick, and I don't want to be your friend unless you sincerely mean it."
"Alright then," Seller laughed nervously, "But surely you aren't interested in the base model."
"I am," Pinkie Pie stated.
"But the deluxe edition has air conditioning," Seller informed her, "And a velour inlaid harness."
"I don't need air conditioning, there's always a breeze in Ponyville," Pinkie Pie laughed, "But velour? Seriously? That's how you're going to try to upsell me? With velour? Don't be ridiculous, Mr. Salespony."
"My name is Hard Seller," Mr. Salespony insisted.
"I suppose it is, but until this sale is done I'm not going to bother." Pinkie Pie hopped into the seat on the Model H. "Now how about a test ride?"
"Very well." He hitched himself to the harness, and pulled her around the lot. "What do you think?"
"Shush," Pinkie ordered, and placed her ear to the floorboard.
"What are you doing?" Mr. Salespony asked.
"Shush!" Pinkie demanded.
She placed her ear on another section of the floorboard, and began muttering to herself. She pulled out a stethoscope, and moved the diaphragm across the cart. She muttered to herself, and wrote down some notes. Mr. Salespony began sweating.
"Alright," Pinkie Pie directed him, "Now for a trot."
"Do what now?" He looked back at her.
"I said 'trot'!" Pinkie screamed.
Mr. Salespony trotted around the lot.
"Not here." Pinkie Pie shook her head. "Take it to the road."
"Oh," He muttered, "Ok."
He cringed as flecks of dirt from the road dusted the undercarriage. Pinkie Pie continued listening through the stethoscope.
"Gallop," She ordered.
"What!" He looked back at her.
"Did I stutter?" She asked.
Mr. Salespony cantered across the dirt road.
"That's not a gallop." Pinkie Pie shook her head. "It can barely be called a gait. Did you eat too much? Because I know when I eat too much I can't move real fast."
He broke into a gallop. Pinkie Pie smiled, and moved the stethoscope across the cart again. She took a few more notes, and shook her head. She pushed herself off the floor, and hopped back onto the seat. She waited until sweat ran down Mr. Salespony's body.
"Can I stop now?" He panted.
"I suppose." Pinkie Pie examined a forehoof. "I've been done for a while now, but I just figured since you ate so much you might want a little exercise."
"That's." He grimaced. "That's kind of you."
He walked back into the cart lot, and set the cart into its parking place. He unhitched himself, and gave Pinkie a hoof in stepping out of the cart.
"So, what did you think?" He asked.
"I've had better," Pinkie commented, "You really need to work out more, Mr. Salespony."
"I suppose," He grunted, "Why don't you come into the office. We'll check your credit-"
"That won't be necessary," Pinkie Pie smiled.
"You." His eyes went narrow. "You don't want the cart?"
"I wouldn't say that I don't want it," Pinkie Pie said, "I just don't want to talk credit until after we discuss price."
"That's not normally how I do things," Mr. Salespony fumed.
"Well that's how I do things." Pinkie walked into the building. "And if you want to do things with me, then those things have to be done my way."
"Alright." He walked in behind her and settled down in an office chair. "What price did you have in mind?"
"I don't want to discuss price yet." Pinkie sat down across from him, and leaned on his desk, "That cart needs work."
"Work?" He stammered, "That cart is brand new."
"It needs new lug nuts," Pinkie Pie ran across her notes, "And it needs to be cleaned. Its covered in dirt."
"Dirt!" He breathed, "Fine. New lug nuts, and a cleaning."
"Put it on the contract," Pinkie Pie directed.
"Right, right," He typed away.
"Now." Pinkie slid a paper to him. "I viewed another Model H at a cart lot just up the street, and this is the price that stallion promised me. Can you beat it?"
Mr. Salespony glared at the document. "How did you get anypony to agree to this?"
"Stay on topic, please." She tapped the document. "Can you beat it?"
"I'm certain we can work something out," He sighed, "I can't offer much less than that."
"Not much less?" Pinkie Pie stared at him. "Let's see the invoice."
"The invoice?" He rubbed his hooves together. "I, uhm, I can't do that, because, uhm..."
"You can," Pinkie Pie insisted.
He opened a filing cabinet beside him, and pulled out a folder. He slammed it down on the desk. Pinkie Pie perused through it.
"You can afford much lower," She commented.
"I don't know about that." He pulled at his collar. "There's overhead to worry about."
"That cart out there." Pinkie pointed in its general direction. "Is a Model H. Nopony really wants one. If you don't sell it to me, then it will just sit there. Wasting your money."
Mr. Salespony wrote a number on a scrap of paper, and passed it to her.
"Better." She smiled. "Now put it on an actual document. One with your signature this time."
He grumbled as he obeyed her.
"Now about our loan policy." He grinned. "I think-"
"That won't be necessary." Pinkie slammed a briefcase down on the desk. She released the latches, revealing a small pile of bits.
"Oh." He looked down at it. "Are you sure you don't want to go with a loan? It would greatly improve your credit."
"I have the bits, and I'll pay with bits." Pinkie slapped the briefcase shut. "Now, let's sign some paperwork."
He pulled a document out of his typewriter, and signed it. He passed it to Pinkie, and she began reading it carefully.
"I don't see the part about the cleaning or the lug nuts in here," She commented.
"Right there," He pointed it out.
Pinkie Pie signed the paper, and sighed. She sighed, and wrapped her forelegs around him.
"I'm so sorry," She yelled, "I didn't want to be mean to you, but I really wanted that cart. And the book Twilight gave me said that you have to be mean and grumpy or else salesponies will just run over you, and I really didn't want that to happen, because it sounds painful. So, I'm real sorry Hard Seller."
Seller's eyes narrowed. "I'll get to work on those lug nuts."
Later that week, Hard Seller scrubbed his carts to a spotless shine. He smiled at his work, and looked down the road to see a young mare approaching. He leaned back and waited for her.
"Hi there," She called, "I'm Twilight Sparkle. My friend said that she got a really good deal here-"
"Twilight?" Gears in his head turned. "Are you friends with that pink mare?"
"Yeah, that's Pinkie Pie." Twilight smiled. "She can-"
"We're closed." Seller slammed his office door.