What I Learned About Friendship Is...

by RainbowBob

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Discord, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1230

Discord is forced to write a friendship report to Celestia. It ends about as well as you'd expect.

Discord is forced to write a friendship report to Celestia. It ends about as well as you'd expect.

Thanks to my editors SolidFire and Xl9 and prereader Skeeter The Lurker for all their help!

Awesome art from the greatly talented Mickeymonster.

Published 2013-10-15 00:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-10-15 00:30:02 UTC

Chapter 1: Hindsight Strikes Again!

“Wait… this isn’t an ice cream shop!” Discord said in sudden realization. The promise of sugary induced dairy products was a cruel fabrication for the true nature of the room he entered.

A classroom.

“Yeah, about that…” Twilight chuckled with a slight tinge of red seeping into her cheeks. “We’re going to get ice cream after–”

“I have been betrayed!” Discord said with a melodramatic air to his voice, holding a paw to his forehead. “A trap, laid with the temptation of sweet and delicious ice cream! Why Twilight, why do you hurt me so?”

“I only said that to make sure you–”

Discord was on the floor, holding desperately to Twilight’s legs as tears formed in his mismatched eyes. “Is this what you enjoy, Twilight? Seeing me in pain and agony at your traitorous actions against me?” Discord squinted and grimaced with an expression of pure disgust. “If so, then I guess our friendship meant nothing after all…”

Twilight pulled away her hoof from Discord’s clingy grip and quickly backpedaled away. “Discord! For crying out loud, I’m going to get you that ice cream. I just need you to do something quick for me.”

“Aha! I see how it plays now,” Discord proclaimed, already back on his feet while and inspecting his scholarly surroundings. “A ‘scratch my back and I’ll give you a sensational massage on your’s’ type of deal, eh? Very sly, Sparkle, very sly indeed.”

“There’s nothing sly about this.”

“Oh, contraire!” Discord circled around Twilight, differentiating animal limbs behind his back as he scrutinized the weirded out alicorn. “The diplomacy aspect of your new royal title is already in effect. Pretty soon the pomposity of nobility and glamour of fame shall destroy your very being and soul.”

“... Say what?” Twilight balked.

“Something about ice cream.” Discord leaned down and eyeballed her with a pupil the size of a dinner plate. “And me being dragged here by you and not receiving any. What’s up with that?”

“Can you just take a seat so I can explain?” Twilight asked, holding a hoof tentatively up to her forehead to alleviate her approaching migraine. A vain attempt considering Discord is involved with it.

Discord slumped down in the desk, which was much too small for a draconequus of his size, and stared dejectedly at the single piece of paper before him. It was blank with just a writing quill beside it.

“Okay, so now that you’re seated, we can–”

“Get ice cream, right?” Discord interrupted, arms cross and lips downward to form a scowl. “Double chocolate, rocky road with strawberries and orange peels.”

“Yes, Discord, I’ll get you that,” Twilight agreed half heartedly. “But first, you need to complete this simple assignment.”

“Hey, I dropped out of college so I didn’t have to put up with this!”

“You went to college?”

“Yeah.” Discord shrugged. “I couldn’t get a degree in art history. How do you think I’ll be able to pull off your assignment then?”

“Don’t worry Discord, it’s quite simple.” Twilight levitated over an inkwell filled to the brim and set it beside the paper. “I just need you to write a friendship letter to Princess Celestia. I’ve done these reports tons of times.”

“You do know she’s on the other side of the castle, right?” Discord asked, bored, cheek hanging on his upturned arm as he blinked lazily. “I can just go and tell her this right now.”

“That’s not the point, Discord,” Twilight said, bringing out a couple of her own friendship letters she had on hoof. “These letters are a testament to the study of friendship. Writing them betters our understanding of how friendship works.”

“Jeez, did you get a degree in friendship or something?”

“A doctorate, actually,” Twilight replied, a not so sublte trace of smugness in her voice. “But still, I think it’d be a wonderful idea for you to write a friendship letter to Celestia about what you’ve learned about friendship since the time you’ve been reformed.”

Discord threw his head back and grabbed either side of his jaw. “Aww, I don’t wanna do that! That’ll take forever!”

“No it won’t, Discord,” Twilight tried her best to assure the restless draconequus. “And I promise right afterward you’ll be getting ice cream. Just a short little bit of writing about what you’ve learned about friendship. I really think it’ll be a learning experience for all of us.”

“A lame learning experience,” Discord muttered, already dipping his quill in some ink.

“What was that?” Twilight asked, arching a brow. “Does someone want ice cream or not?”

“Fine, fine,” Discord grumbled, laying the freshly wet quill tip on the dry parchment paper. “Dear Princess Celestia: What I learned about friendship is…”

“See, you’re already making progress.”

Discord scowled, staring intently at those nine words he wrote down. They stared back at him, mocking him, subjecting him with taunts. His hand shook uncontrollably as beads of sweat formed on his brow. “What I learned about friendship is…”

“Um… Discord, are you okay?” Twilight asked.

“What I learned about friendship is!” Discord repeated, wracking his brain so hard steam was pouring from his ears. He gritted his teeth and focused harder on the paper, but no other words appeared on the blank expanse of white. His troublesome paw couldn’t be bothered to write anything. “WHAT I LEARNED ABOUT FRIENDSHIP IS!”

“Oh, come on,” Twilight sighed, dragging a hoof across her muzzle. “It doesn’t even have to be much! Just write down one sentence!”

“WHAT I LEARNED ABOUT FRIENDSHIP IS!”

“Ten words!”

“WHAT I LEARNED ABOUT FRIENDSHIP IS!” Discord said once more, hyperventilating while a river of sweat ran down his face. He grabbed ahold of his writer claw and forced it down to the page, the limb having taken on a mind of its own so it wouldn’t write. “Darn you, finish this!”

“One more word, Discord. Just one.” Twilight took a hesitant step forward. “You think you can manage that?”

“Why is it so hot in here?” Discord asked, tongue rolling out of his mouth as sweat ran free from his face. Suddenly Discord’s hand jerked back and he cried out, grabbing at it in pure agony while shouting, “My hand, my hand is cramping, Twilight! Make it stop!”

“Just. One. Word!” Twilight demanded, glancing over the desk to see the unintelligible scribbling Discord had scrawled. “You’re nearly there!”

“WHAT I LEARNED ABOUT FRIENDSHIP IS… IS… IS!” Discord threw his paper up in the air and kicked off his desk. Jumping in the air, he threw himself at the window and crashed through it, shouting to all who bothered to pay attention or saw, “I’m too black for this!”

Twilight watched Discord depart on a smokey leave of early absence, leaving her with a broken desk, window, and shards of glass covering the floor.

“In hindsight, I should have seen this coming,” Twilight said, picking up Discord’s letter to see what he managed to jot down.

“Dear Princess Celestia Sunbutt: What I learned about friendship is butts,” Twilight read from the page. Nodding her head, she crumbled up the letter to a crumbled wad and set it on fire with her magic. “I definitely should have seen that coming.”

Author's Note

Yeah... this is a thing. About that. Involving this story. And Spongebob. Do what you will.