A Night On The Town

by Akumokagetsu

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Sex, Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia
Length: 1116

Princess Celestia doesn't exactly drink very often. But when she does, the results are... less than spectacular.

Sequel to Alcohol's Effect On Friendship!
(Rated for language and humor-based themes.)
Princess Celestia has had enough of Twilight's inebriated letter-writing. So, when Celestia insists that Twilight act as 'designated bar-hopper' for the night, Twilight learns a very important lesson on precisely why ponies should avoid alcohol.

And more importantly, avoid giving alcohol to ancient, immensely powerful princesses who happen to gossip about some fairly embarrassing moments to all of Ponyville.

Published 2013-10-27 15:40:03 UTC
Last updated 2013-10-27 15:40:03 UTC

A Bit For Your Thoughts

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“TWILIGHT MOTHER FUCKING SPARKLE!”

Twilight groaned in agony, clutching her aching head in her hooves. She squeezed her eyes closed more tightly in an attempt to fight off the pounding pain in her head, but it only served to make it worse.

“Blarfh. Yes, Princess…?” the unicorn breathed heavily, her dry tongue fighting the words as they escaped her mouth. It was a bad idea to have tried to avoid throwing up. It was such an obviously bad idea to try Granny Smith’s moonshine.
It was probably worse to have drank so much of it.

“Do you have any idea of the trouble you’ve caused?” Celestia stamped back and forth in front of her as Twilight slumped over her writing desk, desperately wishing she could simply throw up again. However, there was simply nothing left in her stomach to void. She cringed with Celestia’s every step, the noise of her hooves on the wooden floor banging heavily in her ears.
“Please stop making so much racket,” Twilight whimpered pitifully, pulling her ears down beside her head.

Celestia actually paused for a moment, and stared hard at her ‘prize student’.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” Celestia deadpanned sarcastically. “I must be too retarded to realize that I’m making noise.”
“How many times do I have to apologize?” Twilight moaned, hating the morning sun for bringing such pain to her eyes. “It was one letter…!”
“Yes,” the princess said without any hint of pity. “Informing me that both myself and my sister, along with every other pegasus in Equestria, is mentally handicapped. What have I told you about drunken letter-writing, Twilight?”

“To my knowledge?” Twilight seethed, rubbing her aching temples as the hangover gleefully kicked her again. “Nothing, really. This hasn’t really been an issue before now.”
“Really?” Celestia said so dryly that it was surprising she hadn’t grown thirsty from the reply alone. “Because I can remember quite a few incidents where a certain student attempted groping one of the elite night guards-“
“That was ONE t-owowowow!” she gripped her pounding head tearfully, rolling off the chair and onto the floor.

“Serves you right,” Spike grumbled as he stuck his little head in through the doorway, nodding quietly to the princess. “Getting drunk off your flank and then going minotaur-wild. What do you think this is, Spring Break?”
Celestia opened her mouth to speak, but promptly closed it again. Instead, she shook her head slowly, causing her regally flowing multi-hued mane to ripple in such a manner that it made Twilight feel like vomiting again just from looking at it.

“I’m sorry,” Twilight sniveled pathetically. “I swear – I swear – I’ll never drink again!”
“Until next week,” Spike muttered, but nobody seemed to have heard him. With a heavy sigh, he left the two mares to their own devices and set about making himself a late breakfast.

“Please…” the unicorn currently rolling on the floor whined. “Isn’t there any kind of cure for a hangover?”
Knowing full well that she knew several, Celestia merely shook her head slowly.
“I wouldn’t tell you, even if you were really sorry.”
“But I am!” Twilight retorted, trying to keep her voice from becoming too loud, lest she convince the hangover headache to grow in size even more.

“Oh ho ho, not yet, you’re not.” Celestia said forebodingly, and quite a bit more loudly than Twilight would have liked.
Instead of answering, Twilight simply crawled back to the wastebasket and threw up again.
“I’m already considering sending you back to Ponyholics Anonymous, you know.” The princess said seriously, placing a hoof onto her chin pensively as she thought. “On second thought, I think I have a better plan to teach you a lesson about the dangers of alcohol.”
“I-I don’t care anymore,” Twilight slurred, wiping her face with a roll of parchment. “Jus’ so long as the hangover stops.”

“That’s the spirit!”
“Blarfh!”

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Twilight did not necessarily have a ‘pleasant’ day.

She barely had time to collect herself before being whisked off by Princess Celestia.

She stumbled along blearily, narrowly avoiding bumping headfirst into a light pole on the streetcorner.
“Watch your step, Twilight,” Celestia said absentmindedly, nodding politely to a bewildered street vendor. It wasn’t often that the princess herself visited Ponyville after all.
Twilight grumbled something anatomically impossible about what Celestia could do with her opinions, but followed her nonetheless.

Then again, it wasn’t like she had much of a choice in the matter. It was either follow Princess Celestia through the painfully bright daylight towards an unknown destination, or remain behind to face the unavoidable intervention from her friends and the wrath of Princess Luna.

Had she known precisely what Celestia had planned, Twilight would have gladly faced an angry Fluttershy with ‘The Rotator’ ten times over instead.

“Oof!”
Twilight bumped directly into Celestia’s backside, and rubbed her nose in discomfort.
“Here it is!” the princess gestured toward a dingy, run down little building. It was a ragged looking thing, with mostly boarded up windows. Cracked and flaking paint along the sides showed extreme age to the building, but Twilight couldn’t quite place exactly how old it was.
Oddly enough, the place itself looked just a tiny bit familiar, even though she couldn’t tell where she’d seen it before, either. If at all.

The only indication that it wasn’t just an abandoned building on the edge of Ponyville was the gently swaying, rickety looking wooden sign above the door.

“The Eight Bits?” Twilight asked curiously, her headache nearly forgotten. For a moment.
“Absolutely,” Celestia grinned, magically opening the creaky door. Much to Twilight’s surprise, it wasn’t locked or broken as she’d expected it to be. “I think I’ve finally settled on a proper punishment for your behavior.”
“More drinking?!” Twilight said in aghast horror, her mouth hanging open when she peered into the ruddy pub. She didn’t think she could even stomach another drop.

“What?” Celestia furrowed her brows, ushering the unicorn inside. “Oh, no. Not for you, anyway. You’ve had quite enough,” she smiled quietly as the door slowly swung shut behind them. “No, my dear student…” she said as a smirk crept upwards.

Celestia took in a deep breath of the darkened room, stretching her wings a bit for comfort and taking a place upon the stool at the bar.
“No, this time, the night is completely my own. No booze for you, Twilight. You get to be ‘designated assistant’ while I get so hammered that you have no choice but to carry me.”
“…”
“All the way back to Canterlot.”

“… Oh, fuck me with a shovel.”

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Author's Note

Let the night of horrors commence.