The Conversion Bureau: You're A Wizard

by Da Bunnana King

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Adventure, Princess Celestia, Human, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna, Original Character, Philomena, Comedy
Length: 2890

You're A Wizard Ulysses NOW DEAL WITH IT

Poor Ulysses, he has always been know to survive near on anything but what about him being told he is a wizard... well a pony wizard who is somehow a long lost descendant of Starswirl the Bearded. Now the world rest on his pony shoulder (heck if I know what their called) for he must save both Equestria and Earth... but mostly Equestria because Earth is fuc**d.
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You're A Wizard makes sense and also no sense what so ever at the same time while also keeping its fresh grape aftertaste.

Published 2012-03-04 22:04:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-04-02 11:05:48 UTC

Chapter One: I am a what?!

The Conversion Bureau: You’re A Wizard
By DaBunnanaKing

Chapter One: I am a what?!
-Meanwhile in at the league of doom… Oh wait wrong story, lets see here… Ahh here we are. Some were in the broken city of Dallas where we last left our four heroes-

“Ahhh Ulysses the letter says to meet inside the building marked with a red X over it.” Said Rafael looking over the note that was given to them by Celestia, they were all sitting in the Humvee hiding from the acidic rain outside,

“Well I don’t see and red X’s, do you?” retorted the sniper,

“It’s over there.” Pointed Jack pointing to a dark grey door on the other side of small compound that they had fortified in case of an ambush.

“Well I guess I’ll see you lads after this… keep the engine warm and be ready if shit hits the fan… again.” Ulysses said putting his M98B on the seat and opting to take his sidearm and knife with him. He exited the Humvee and made a mad dash to the door attempting to stay out of the acid rain. He didn’t of course so his combat armour sizzled as the rain slowly dissolved the thin layer of cloth covering the kevlar but he made it to the door and opened it with a sense of urgency.

The inside of the building was dark only having several light on that led down to an ominous basement. The steps seemed odd, like as if they were built for something else besides humans… like a dog or cat. He continued down the stair until meet with a dimly lit hallway that ended with a door. He took out his pistol and cocked it then continued down the hall with it drawn checking that there were no traps or anything that he didn’t want to see in a darkly lit hallway.

He approached the door and slowly opened it while placing his pistol away. Ulysses walked into the dark lit room where the meeting with Celestia was being held but something was amiss. A large man with a shaggy beard was standing their instead of Celestia, he opened his mouth and the smell of beer and ham is all he could smell and he said, "You’re a wizard Ulysses."

"A what?" replied the confused sniper,

"A wizard… and a bloody good one too." He replied before a slight hissing was heard and the man disapeard into the shadows.

“The fuq…” he said before he smelt the grape fragrance that was filling the air, “Why do I smell grape?” he said while reaching for his gas mask but it was a futile attempt because he was out cold on the ground before he could even unhook it from his webbing.

He was falling but not violently but gently. Well more so he was floating blissfully in the darkness of… well where ever he was. He had no shape or any notion to which way was up. To say the least he was scared, had he died and this was punishment for all his years of serving the military. But then he spotted a bright light, it was soothing he quickly moved towards it with great vigour on his new found body structure that felt alien to him but also felt right.

He bursted through the light into a large court that seemed to be reminisant of the one in Buckingham Palace but without the color red being everywhere. But there were two thrones and in each of them were the respected owners. The one on the left held Princess Celestia and the other Princess Luna but both Princesses held a long face.

“I am so sorry for not being able to meet in person Ulysses but this was the only safe way of meeting each other without being attacked. I am sorry for also having forcibly converting you but it is essential for you to be a pony Ulysses… we need you and your squad to come to Equestria immediately after you all awaken.” Said Celestia slowly trotting over to Ulysses,

“Great… Just great, I knew it was a trap. So tell me why I should trust you anymore now that you have just turned me into a four foot pony and that you are probably doing the same to my squad.” He said stomping his hooves down, “Wait what the…” he said after noticing that he himself was no longer the muscular soldier that he was but a faint outline of a pony,

“Waa?” he said trying to understand what was going on,

“Ulysses listen, I don’t have much time left but when you awake some of my royal guards will come and collect you and your squad and bring you here to me in Canterlot there I will explain everything but go Ulysses for your people need you.” She said before fading away.

“Is he waking up?” said the disembodied voice of Jack,

“I think he is.” Said Rafael,

Ulysses slowly opened his eyes to be greeted by a light brown colored Earth pony with blue eyes and a green mane. The other one was a dark blue pegasi with a snow white mane and hazel eyes. Even though his vision was blurred he could see two khaki stumps in front of him as if they were his arms.

“Give his some room guys he has just gotten up from the Conversion dream so who knows what is going to happen. Remember he was forcefully converted while we all had a choice.” Said the disembody voice of James who seemed to be originating from behind him,

“What the heck just happened… and who are you two?” Said Ulysses slowly coming back to reality as he tried to figure out what had just happened,

“That’s easy Ulysses, we all got ponifyed and now were on our way to Equestria.” Said the pegasi who sounded exactly like Jack,

“WHHAAATTT!!!” cried Ulysses as he jumped on to all four hooves without missing a beat,

“Yeah isn’t it cool. We bearly had to do anything… well besides grabbing the intel and then going to the drop off point but who cares we finally get to go to Equestria.” Said the light brown earth pony that sounded like Rafael,

“Umm guys I don’t think he knows who we are yet,” said James whose voice came out of a lime coated unicorn with a yellow mane, “Ok so I am James, that’s Rafael and that is Jack over there and you are Ulysses who is a unicorn.”

“Okay then…” Ulysses replied shocked, “So where are we exactly?” he said noticing that they were on a golden chariot being pulled by two pegasus royal guards,

“Well were in Equestria right now but according to the guards we are over a town called Ponyville.” Said Jack being the one of the group who seemed to be a walking encyclopaedia of everything Equestria related, “so that means were also very close to Canterlot, Look there it is!” He yelled excitedly pointing his hoof at the majestic castle jetting out of the side of a mountain face,

“Well looks like I’m in for one hell of an adventure aren’t I?” said Ulysses bearing his muzzle in his hooves.

Authors Notes: This is what happens when I say something stupid on the IRC channel #TCB… well since me being the lazy bustard that I am I have decide to make this instead of working on something that I should be. Anyhow let’s see where I go with this so comment and rage at me in the comments and maybe I might give a shit and read them.
Bunnana Out
-Bunnana King

P.S. Fuck Da Police, I'm going to do this all myself.

Chapter Two: That... makes sense... kinda

The Conversion Bureau: You're A Wizard

By DaBunnanaKing

Chapter Two: That... makes sense... kinda

-In Canterlot-

"Wow Ulysses I am surprised that you took to trotting so quickly as it took us a lot of practice runs." said Jack who was trotting besides Ulysses happily,

"As strange as it sounds it just feels right for some reason. I mean as alien as it is it feels like I know all of this instinctually." he replied turning his head towards Jack,

"Lucky I wish I was like that," Rafael said, trotting carefully still trying to come accustom to his four new appendages, "James could I lean against you for a bit... I mean just until I get used to walkin... I mean trotting."

"Sure," James happily replied, who now had Rafael leaning on him. They all trotted down the long hall which was beautiful crafted from stone and marble and was lined with statues, paintings and busts of ponies. They were also escorted by five royal guards that wore the same armour as the ones that he saw at the bureau, but one had a different kind of color scheme. He was a pegasis stallion who had the standard shiny gold armour but it had a small silver trimming around the edges of the plate armour and his helmet had a very deep blue crest to it. He must of been a higher rank than the others since whenever they passed any guards they would come to attention and give a salute.

"When you meet the Princesses be sure to bow to them, never turn your backs to them and be extremely polite. Understand gentelcolts?" he said in a semi low voice,

"Yeah, so I guess you're the boss around these parts?" Ulysses said, while moving next to the pony who was clearly even a higher rank than Ulysses had ever reach in the Army or the SAS.

"Hahaha," he chuckled lightly, "You could say that or General Tornado would be mad at me. No I'm just one of the officers in charge of human relationships and also one of Princess Celestia's private guard."

"Ahh, so you're one of the Special Royal Guards." Ulysses replied trying to keep pace with him, "So what's your name?"

"My name is Captain Razorwing.” he said,

“Nice to meet you, I’m Ulysses Velara.”

“I know. I remember recalling that they said you were mentally unstable, unpredictable, highly aggressive, trained in all forms of combat, smart and a quick thinker. In other words a forced to be reckoned with, and that's without going into what the SAS said about you.” Said Razorwing,

“How did you get into the ADF’s personnel files? Because I know those things were under lock & key with guards in the room 24/7.” replied Ulysses giving a quizzical look, as he began to worry about all the ponies that could blackmail him.

“Well your whole government did collapse after we shortly emerged and began offering conversion. Heck most of your military were getting converted by the truckloads, sometimes we couldn’t even ponifiy them at all because we would run out of the potion with in the first few days.”

“Wait so the Australian government collapsed...?” Said Ulysses as his mouth dropped to the ground in pure shock, and then he looked to his ponifed squad, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It doesn’t really come up in conversation that easily.” said James, who then stood up on his hind legs and intimidated Ulysses voice as close as he could, “Grrrr, I’m Ulysses and I got frozen. Go do that over there and get that door open. Grrrrr,” then switching back to his voice, “Okay but let me tell you that your government and country collapsed and the HLF was formed there and everypony there is a HLF gun totting supporter.”

“Sweet Celestia, was the HLF really formed in Australia?” asked Ulysses,

“Yes, but I think it was made more so to topple the government in the beginning. Later on they moved towards kicking out ponies because it was apparently it was ‘draining their population and they were turning humans into slaves for the better of the Equestrian people.” added Jack.

“Well that seems right since back when I was around most of Australians were turning into rednecks and the government was becoming extremely oppressive after we were invaded, then the economy began to fall and prices rose, heck my pay was even downgraded.” Ulysses replied.

The group approached a large door that was guarded by two grey coated unicorns in the same golden armor as the rest of the guards that Ulysses had seen. The escort of guards stopped and the Captain turned around and addressed the group.

“Now gentelcolts, when you meet the Princess bow before her and never turn your back towards them. You shall address them as Princess Celestia or Princess Luna, anything else and I will make you regret ever turning into a pony. Is this clear?”

“Yes sir.” All three of them cried out except for Ulysses,

“I said do I make myself clear?” asked Razorwing, whilst putting his face directly in front of Ulysses muzzle.

“Yes but I have a bone to pick with Celly,” Angrily replied Ulysses, “But just to humor you I will keep it to myself.”

“Good,” he turned around and nodded to the door guards who then used magic to open one side of the door.

They all entered the room which was a large courtroom that was the same exact one that Ulysses had dreamt about while he was being forcefully being converted. It was the same; marbled floors, great soaring columns that held the ceiling up were at least two ponies thick and a large and a red carpet that goes from the doors to two thrones at the end of the courtroom.

Razorwing motioned the group to enter and then fell in behind them. They all came to a stop and all of the guards bowed before the Sun and Moon goddesses, the the group did so as well.

“You are dismissed Captain, I would like a word with our guests.” spoke Princess Celestia,

“Yes ma’am.” responded Razorwing, giving a saute before leaving the courtroom with his small cluster of guards.

“So now that we are alone,” said Celestia, trotting up to the small group flanked by her sister, “I must ask for your help Ulysses.”

“What?” he replied shocked, “Why me... Wait, is that why you ponified me?”

“Ulysses you were always a pony. The ponification just reverted you to your old state.”

Ulysses jaw dropped to the ground with a near on audible thud and nearly passed out with what Celesita had said, “What do you mean I was always a pony?”

“Celly I thought you were going to tell him in private.” loudly whispered Luna to Celestia.

“Well I was but they were going to find out at some point.”

“Will anypony please tell me what is going on!” shouted Ulysses in anger,

“Well Ulysses a long time ago...” began Celestia, before being cut off by Ulysses.

“No offense your majesty but could we cut to the chase?”

“No, now where was I? Ah yes now I remember. A long time ago when Equestria was still a forming nation and I was still a young princess there was a powerful wizard called Star Swirl the Bearded. He was an expert spellcrafter and father of the amniomorphic spell.”

“So he could turn ponies into sheep, but what does this have to do with me being a pony?” said Ulysses, as everypony in the roomed turned to him and gave him a quizzical look, “What Latin was one of the subjects I could pick from, I thought I was going to be a doctor one day.”

“So he somehow came into my universe and turned me into a pony?”

“Ulysses would you please shut your trap and let the Princess speak!” cried James, as he was nearly at tears with the constant interruption of Ulysses after every sentence that Celestia said.

“How?”

“You interrupted him during one of the complex stages of the ritual he had to perform in order to open up the portal. Sadly when you did interrupt him the portal sucked you in and that was the last we ever heard of you. Until recently when we found out that you were alive... even though you change into a killing machine we didn’t think it was you. So we had to test you... that note we gave you had a spell woven into it that would read your past and it confirmed what I had suspected.” she backed up as a bit and pointed her hoof at Ulysses, “You are the son of Star Swirl the Beard, Ulysses Velara. But that is not your real name, for your real name is Dust Storm.”

Ulysses stood there speechless, attempting to comprehend what the princess had said to him, ‘Am I really a pony?’ Was the only words going through his head.

“I... I... How is this posible Princess?” he managed to say,

“Not even I know Dust, but we still need your help.”

Authors Notes: I think I might write some more of this. Quite fun actually. So comment and rage and stuff like that. Also if you haven’t noticed I haven’t edited this at all so if you want to preread this crap then tell me.
-Bunnana King