Wants Become Needs

Chapters

Sickness of the Heart
Sickness of the Mind
Sickness of the Body

Sickness of the Heart

“Thus the sun sets on all of Equestria.” Solar Flare said, finishing his royal duty as he watched the sun sink below the horizon, his younger brother’s moon emerging behind him in the opposite window.

The suite was comfortable, and a fire was roaring in the grate, occasionally snapping as the flames hit a globule of sap. Dusk Shine sat in a chair across from his mentor, admiring him in a way. He’d been an alicorn for a few weeks now, and still he couldn’t so much as move a celestial body, let alone push one across the sky. Combatting homesickness had been hard for him at first, but living with Solar was a good distraction from a problem he’d been facing since he moved out of the library in Ponyville. He missed his friends, Butterscotch in particular. They’d shared a lot together, and he’d been a good friend to him. Somehow this new life as a prince wasn’t turning out as he’d hoped, and the endless mounds of paperwork that came with erasing his identity were beginning to chafe at his nerves.

It had been Lune’s idea, of course. He would have to erase all documents surrounding his life as a unicorn, down the records of birth, so that was there was no way to figure out where he’d come from in case of a political inquiry. It was more for his own friends’ protection, since he was now a target for a lot of ridicule that naturally came with being a public figure. It was proving to be a real pain, since he had to erase his bank accounts, purchasing records, hoof-prints, and that small blemish on his delinquency record owed to a mishap at Canterlot University. It had involved a rat, a failed potion, and a gigantic starving monster that had previously been the rodent tearing apart the lab he’d been working in.

As he sat there, Dusk Shine’s mind began to drift off, thinking of the one very brief moment in his life where he’d been offered some semblance of true companionship. Butterscotch had been trying to make a rare type tea for him, just as a birthday present, but somehow they’d ended up reading a book about the love life of a royal griffon. Dusk Shine shivered, recalling how close they’d been. Butterscotch had his wing over him, and he’d accepted the advance, making sure that he was sitting as close to the other stallion as possible. The fire, the slight smell of woodsmoke, and the aroma of Butterscotch’s mane, it made Dusk Shine think of how stupid he’d been, to just let the moment pass. They’d been so very close, they were under the same blanket by a fire on a soft carpet. He could have just asked his friend, just to listen to his problems.

“Something wrong, Dusk?” Solar asked, drawing the curtains shut on either side of the room with a flash of his horn. “You look like you need a drink.”

“I’m fine.” The new alicorn said, smiling through a pang of regret that was still echoing in his chest. “I’m… fine. What were you saying before I… wandered off?”

“Oh, so you confess something was on your mind that was more important.” The eldest prince admonished. “I was trying to tell you about the necessary arrangements behind your coronation. But, seeing as how you are predisposed, I guess we can stop this study session for the night.”

“No, really.” Dusk tried to bring himself back reality. “What were you trying to say?”

The prince scowled at his student, then pinched the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes. His protégé was becoming more and more absentminded as time went on. Castle life was hard to get used to, but somehow Dusk Shine just wasn’t adjusting, even after three weeks. He could only be found in his study writing, or sleeping in his own chambers with all the doors locked. He felt like the prince was drifting off, becoming more immersed in his own fascinations than he was in the things that really mattered. For instance, he found a scroll on his desk left by his student, and on it was a detailed diagram of what changed during the transmutation of each of the three common equine races into one another. It was good, yes, and the measurements and diagrams were correct down to the seventieth decimal space after zero, but it wasn’t in any way related to what he’d been teaching Dusk Shine. It was just… busywork, something to distract his mind from a far more pressing matter that was consuming the young alicorn.

“I get the feeling that you need to tell me something that is more important than you’re letting on.” Solar said, taking his hoof from his face. With all the regality he possessed, he still sounded overly formal at times, and he felt that maybe he was putting off the aura of demand. Like he was pushing too hard on his student for answers, when it might be something trivial. Regardless, he needed to know so the problem could be resolved and Dusk Shine could resume his work. “You haven’t been yourself ever since you moved into the castle, and even before that you were wandering off. What has you so occupied that you can’t even focus on the pony standing right in front of you?”

Dusk Shine shrank back in his seat as Solar Flare leaned close, his eyes narrowed suspiciously. For a second he thought about it, about maybe telling his mentor what was consuming every available thought he had. It was eating him alive, but he didn’t want to stop thinking about it. He knew it was affecting his studies, but for the first time in his life this seemed more important that any book he could ever read, or any report he could ever give. It was first in his mind, and that scared him somehow. Never before had something consumed his attention so much, so easily derailing his train of thought. Then there was the simple fact that Solar Flare wouldn’t understand. His teacher was an extremely tolerant stallion, but empathy was something that he struggled with, having only ever had recollection of living as an alicorn. The prince in front of Dusk Shine just wouldn’t see it from his point of view. So, the young prince shook his head. It was a conversation for another time. Right now his personal life was on hold, and it could stay that way until his duties were caught up.

A candle lit Dusk Shine’s reading space, deep in the Canterlot Library. He was pulling another all-nighter, and nothing could be seen outside the pool of light that was cast in a five-foot wide circle around him. He hadn’t slept in five days. He swore he could see things at the edges of his vision, that the tiredness was getting to him. But he knew that wasn’t it; alicorns didn’t need to sleep. What was really bothering him was the volume he was reading. A tome detailing, in explicit detail, what befell a pony if a changeling hive were to capture them. It was graphic, and to most it was disturbing at a profound level. The reproductive cycle the creatures was the most unsettling thing that Dusk Shine could find, but somehow not even the horrendous placement of a changeling’s eggs inside of its host could distract him. He was trying to find anything that could pull his mind off of his loneliness. It was impossible for him; not a single thing he’d tried was able to distract him. Not a single book in the horror section of the library did the job, nothing was scary enough to occupy his attention long enough for him to check it out and get home.

He slammed the book shut, letting his head fall onto the reading desk with a thud. He groaned and let out a drawn-out breath. This just wasn’t working. He felt so tired, but full of life at the same time. Mentally he was exhausted, but his body kept telling him that he was fine. Not only that, but the library had closed three hours ago. As he turned his head to the side he saw the clock built onto the desk, reading two fifty in the morning. He blinked and suddenly it was four twenty. He sat up and looked around, seeing that the librarian was walking towards him, shaking her head disapprovingly. She knew him by name, and he did as well. She was well aware that he came here if he was having trouble sleeping, though she didn’t approve of him falling asleep on her books. How had time passed so fast?

He got up and left the library, unable to tell what was real anymore. What was wrong with him that nothing on this earth could catch his interest as much as the one problem he had? He was just a little lonely. Heartsickness wasn’t a real thing, was it? Just the other day he’d been thinking of Cadenza, his old foalsitter, and suddenly he was having a vivid daydream about him doing the most lewd things he could imagine. It made him feel like he was another one of the common stallions, who would accept any sort of relationship with anypony so long as it was legitimate. The alicorn hung his head as he caught shocked glances from the ponies around him, and even a few pointing hooves from young foals. He didn’t want to be there, but he couldn’t bring up the will to teleport away.

‘Yeah, go ahead.’ He thought to himself. ‘Point and laugh at the harlot.’

Finally, he was able to say the word to himself. Harlot. Synonyms included whore, slut and loose with their body. That was how he felt, having these lucid dreams about other stallions. The adding factor was the sheer wrongness of it all. He was a scholar, and he had an amazing sense of pride for himself. Why was he having these hallucinations about Solar Flare re-teaching him his own reproductive system, using himself as a model? The final nail in the coffin was that it was about other stallions. As far as he could remember he was straight, he liked mares. Why were these feelings coming up now, so late when he was already established as a well put together stallion? He closed his eyes as it began to rain, the cold raindrops piercing through his coat down to his skin. He wanted that. He wanted to feel like the gods were punishing him, because as far as he could tell, that was exactly what was happening, torturing him with musings of his teachers and friends and foalsitters acting like he was their property.

He made it to the castle across the courtyard a few minutes later, soaking wet and beyond all hope. All he wanted was to go to his rooms and shut himself into his study. The only thing that seemed to satisfy his wonderings without actually acting upon them was to write his fantasies down. He opened his wings, flicking drops of water onto the hard stone walls, then continued his steady trudge to his chambers. Nothing could make this day worse. So he had thought.

A moment later Butterscotch rounded the corner, nearly running directly into Dusk Shine. Instead of hitting him, the stallion in question reached his hooves out to stop himself, but ended up leaning on his friend for support, having shot too far to the right while trying to avoid the collision.

“Oh… uh, hi.” Butterscotch mumbled sheepishly, seeing his hooves were around the other stallion’s neck. “I’m sorry, but you came out of nowhere and… I flew all the way from Ponyville to ask you…”

Dusk Shine, using as much restraint as possible, disentangled his friend from himself, pulling his hooves off of him one at a time, biting his bottom lip. This wasn’t helping his day at all. Not only that, but the adoring look on the shy stallion’s face made him want to bite clean through his gum, for any reason to walk away. He loved but hated that expression, that devilishly idolizing stare that Butterscotch gave him every time they met. It made him lose the feelings in his hooves, at the same time his wings would begin to twitch and his cheeks would turn a bright shade of scarlet. The stare held him as the center of the other stallion’s universe, like he was all that mattered to the pegasus in front of him.

“I’m sorry to tell you this, but I’m really busy right now, Butterscotch.” Dusk Shine sighed, not meeting the yellow pony’s eyes directly. “Could this wait until some other time?”

“Well, of course… if that’s what you want.” The shy pegasus said, averting his gaze down to his hooves, scuffing one against the polished floor. “I wanted to ask you if you could teach me to make berry solutions. I hear they’re very healthy… but since you’re, um, busy it’s okay.”

Butterscotch’s voice tore the prince’s heart. He felt awful, disappointing his best friend for no other reason than to spare himself from confusion. After a moment the pegasus turned and walked away, leaving Dusk Shine to wallow in his own self-pity.

Dusk Shine shot straight up in bed, dragging in ragged gasps of air. He felt himself plastered to his lower stomach, and sweat pouring off of him in massive beads. He’d been making noises like an animal in his sleep, screaming somepony’s name. In his sleep-deprived state he couldn’t remember whom he’d been been fraternizing with in his subconscious mind, but whoever it had been they had been using him well. He was twitching madly, unsheathed and exposed to the rough woolen and flax sheets that provided a terrible, rough sensation to his loins. He couldn’t see his own organ, it was still under the sheets, but he could just imagine how stiff he was. He opened his wings and fanned himself like a pegasus mare in the depths of estrous, doing his best to slow his breathing, heart still hammering in his ears. It was the fifth time this month he’d been reduced to this, to just sitting in bed and recovering from some intense dream that somehow couldn’t push him over the edge.

Once he was calm, and he wasn’t sweating bullets, he leaned over to the edge of his bed and turned on the oil lamp. The room was washed in a warm light, the tan vanilla walls reflecting the glow while the dark green carpet absorbed it. His bed was a curtained four-poster, queen sized. He shook his head and picked up a notepad off his nightstand, sighing as he returned to a fully flaccid state beneath the sheets. His sheathe was once again doing its job as he began to write with magic, chronicling how he’d woken up, and whom he’d been dreaming of. There were seven columns, all with at least one tally in each. There were lists of specific ponies, and then there was other species, like changelings, hippocampi, even one for draconequi. At the bottom was one labeled ‘unknown’. This had the most tallies by far, and he added another to it as he set it back on the nightstand.

This was happening every time he fell asleep. It was like the sickness in his mind was consuming him, expanding at an exponential rate until every second of his day was consumed by these thoughts. This illness of thought, whatever it was, was turning him into something that he had previously hated. He’d hated those stallions whose only thoughts were of sex and dominance. His were slowly becoming that, but it wasn’t a dream of domination. He wanted to be the omega, the one being dominated.

“Gods, I’m becoming a whore.” He sighed and laid back down, thinking of trying to sleep.

Knowing that wasn’t going to happen, though, he rolled over to the other side of the bed and got up, stretching. He looked around at his writing desk, then his alchemy table. He had an idea all of the sudden, one that might allow for him to escape his nightmarish fantasies. He walked over to the alchemy table and reached below it to the shelves beneath, searching for a potion he’d devised for just such an occasion. Once he felt the correct bottle, he pulled up a light blue potion, seeing its label. It was partially poisonous, but he didn’t plan on taking a lot of it. He’d made it to be as strong as possible, and a drop could send a pony into a full-blown catatonic state. He sighed, wondering how it was coming to this. All he wanted was somepony to tell these things about… but nopony seemed to be the right one to tell. There just wasn’t a right time to explain himself without it feeling forced, not to mention awkward. He shrugged and set the bottle down, walking over to his kitchen. A single counter made up the room, which was directly off of his private quarters. He pulled out a measuring cup and turned to his fridge.

He looked inside of the fridge to find a whole lot of nothing. The only thing he could see was a pitcher of tea. It would have to do, because a moment later he pulled it out and poured himself a glass. Dusk Shine shook his head as he carried it into his room and unstoppered the potion. He poured exactly a tablespoon of the potion, knowing his dosage would have to be much higher now that he was an alicorn. He looked at the slightly luminescent liquid, spinning it around in the measuring cup before he downed it, the terribly bitter taste flooding his mouth and throat. He chased it down with his cup of tea a second later, sighing as the sweetness of it soothed his puckering tonsils. He turned to get back in bed, but he’d messed up his perception of just how fast-acting his potion was.

The last thing he remembered was falling over his own hooves on his way to bed, hitting his horn on the side of the bed with as loud crack. After that was only the darkness of a good night’s sleep, one he’d had to drug himself to achieve.

Sickness of the Mind

Dusk Shine came to on his floor, feeling like he’d slept for an eternity. He hated how his left wing felt under him. He’d slept on it, so it was on pins and needles as he sat up and stretched them, a few sinewy pops sounding off as his stiff limbs extended to their full length. He looked at the grandfather clock across from his bed and saw that it was half-past eleven in the morning. He’s gotten a solid six hours of sleep, even with the help of self-medicating. He struggled to get to his hooves, wobbling this way and that as he felt his center of gravity sway underneath him. He managed to grab his desk for stability, sighing and slowly standing up. His entire body felt weak, like he hadn’t moved since yesterday. Which he didn’t doubt. The stallion walked in an unsteady wobble to his bathroom door, already late to his study session with Lune.

A few minutes later he gasped as the cold water ran over him, not having the time to wait for the shower to warm up. He began scrubbing his mane as soon as possible, until he noticed a most unfamiliar sensation. It came from his loins, but he ignored it. Not just his stallionhood, but there was a new sensitivity in between his legs, right under the base of his tail that was calling for his attention. He continued bathing, electing to wash that area of him with magic when he came to it. Solar Flare had been right; this was getting worse as time wore on. Now he truly felt like a mare during estrous. Every bump of his rear against the sides of the shower sent waves of heat down his back legs, making him weak in the knees. The water running over his tail made him want to bite his lip, every rivulet of the warm water like a steady, persistent hoof against his marehood. His eyes flew wide as he reversed in the shower, unable to accept what he’d just thought.

“I am not a mare. I am a stallion, I like mares, and I do not have anything resembling what a mare has.” He told himself, still in shock that he’d thought of that area as something even vaguely resembling a mare’s organelles. “I’m not a mare… I’m a stallion. And I like mares. I do not have anything that could even possibly be used like a marehood would.” He began to repeat the phrase over, praying that he would begin to believe it if he said it enough.

The area beneath his tail told him otherwise.

Dusk Shine wore his typical crown and horseshoes, his head hung low as he trudged to his next meeting with Lune. He had humiliated himself in the shower, without even being around anypony. What could possibly happen to him next? It was as if there was no punishment, no blow to his pride that wasn’t going to go unused by this sickness of thought. He swore his flanks were working harder than usual, swinging for no more reason than to make him appear more effeminate. He cursed his body miserably, thinking of what else he’d be put through before this was all over. This… illness that was festering in his psyche, in his subconscious, was tearing him apart. His perception of himself was changing. He wasn’t the stalwart stallion he knew himself to be, he was becoming a vulnerable, defenseless filly as he was lapsing into the terminal phases of his infection. If luck would shine on him for once, he’d be put down before he recovered and found himself to be a sad, pathetic stallion with the mind of a mare in the throes of heat, thinking of satisfying himself at all hours of the day.

“Dusk Shine!” Lune called from down the hall, striding towards his student. “What the hay are you doing out here? You were supposed to meet me in the observatory an hour ago for astronomy.”

The stallion winced as the older prince cursed, however much his teacher hadn’t meant it. “I’m sorry Lune, I slept in and I’ve been dealing with a bit of a personal problem. I’m here now though, so can we get to the lesson?”

The prince looked taken aback by Dusk’s solemn tone. “Oh… well, I’m sorry to hear that. What sort of problem is it? Could I help in some way?”

“No.” Dusk Shine said quickly, not wanting to have to explain himself. He’d die of embarrassment and shame before the day was over. “Let’s just head to the astronomy tower.”

It took them both a half an hour to reach the astronomy tower, but once they were there Dusk Shine began to set up his things with renewed energy. The silence while they’d been walking was enough to let him clear his head of all this nonsense. He had to focus on his work now, and Lune of all ponies wasn’t the type to make concessions just because he was having trouble with his identity, or so he assumed. He couldn’t help but wonder what would happen if he actually told the stallion of his problems. Something about that thought intrigued him, of him actually coming out to the older stallion. The thought was struck down as soon as it popped into his head, shot like a starling in the sights of a practiced skeet shooter.

His teacher had to go back and make over six adjustments to his telescope before it was tuned properly, and even then Lune was shaking his head at how sloppily Dusk Shine was doing. They were trying to catch a glimpse at the Venus transit, the celestial event of the century due to its rarity. The planet Venus would be passing in front of the sun and, with the right filters and calculations, one could see its cloud structure, and even its surface at one point.

The observatory was a massive construction of metal and wood, each one used where it was suited best. The wood made for the insulation between the large steel beams that held the tower together, and the steel itself made up most of the inside. A light blue carpet lined the floor and great number of bookshelves were in place, all with books relating to the subjects of astrology and astronomy. There were windows lining the whole circumference of the tower, and a large telescope up on a balcony that made for the main observation deck. Despite the sunny room and pleasant view, Dusk Shine still couldn’t get into the spirit of things. He kept blundering about, making mistakes and knocking things over when his thoughts would consume his attention for too long.

“Is there something wrong? I know you mentioned a personal problem, but if this is going to be affecting your work, I think I need to know about it.” Lune pried, his voice slightly insensitive. “You’ve done several calculations wrong at this point, and if I hadn’t fixed them, we would have been staring right into the sun and been blinded. What has been going on with you?”

“It’s… very private.” Dusk Shine defended. “I don’t feel very comfortable talking about it.”

“Is there a mare giving you trouble?” Lune asked, curious. “Because if so I’m sure that it can be resolved if you’d just talk about it to her.”

Dusk Shine chuckled grimly at the thought of him in an actual relationship. “I only wish it was that simple.” He sighed. “What I’m going through it much more between me and myself. I’m not trying to be strong by pushing you out, but I honestly don’t know how you’d respond to me if I told you the truth.”

“What do you mean, Dusk?” Lune asked, walking over to him. “You act like you’re ill.”

“I am ill.”

The dungeons always made Dusk Shine’s skin crawl. It was just one of those places he went to feel scared, as if to forget his situation for only a second. Lune hadn’t pried any further into his business, and they’d been able to record the Venus transit with relative ease. Now Dusk Shine was wandering alone the dark alcoves of the catacombs, thinking of what he could do next. His suffering grades with both Lune and Solar Flare were causing them to ask questions. Soon they would force the answers from him, whether he liked it or not. What would he tell them? That he felt like he was slowly becoming a mare trapped in the body of a stallion? They’d throw him into his room and send in psychologists like there was no tomorrow. They’d think he’d dove off the deep end. He had no history of curiosity towards the same gender, and repeating dreams and sudden hypersensitivity of certain parts of is anatomy definitely fit the definition of psychological illness. Maybe manic depression, with bouts of schizophrenia due to his spontaneous, lucid hallucinations.

He would have to keep his symptoms bottled up, and learn to cope with his lot in life. Just as he thought he was truly alone in the world, with nothing but the mold growing in between the bricks to keep him company, he saw somepony moving towards him. He nearly fainted as he saw who it was. Flash Sentry, the one guard that he’d been avoiding since his first time in the castle. He knew that Flash Sentry was promiscuous, and meeting him alone in a dark place like this might just break his self-control, which was in short enough supply. The stallion was everything he wanted in a pony and more. Not to mention the guard’s overwhelming presence and reputation as a real smooth-talker towards the mares. He could just think of him trying to push Flash Sentry into attacking him. It would be almost easy for him to convince the stallion into mounting him.

‘Do it.’ A voice in Dusk Shine’s head whispered. ‘You need it.’

Dusk Shine watched the guard trot down the corridor, armorless, with his feathery wings to his sides. The expression on his face was so happy; maybe he’d just gotten a raise. The prince bit his bottom lip in an effort to contain himself. The other stallion just looked so… eager. Like he wouldn’t hesitate to push him to the ground and make him feel like a mare if he could only ask Flash Sentry. All he had to do was lure him over here and ask him using some of his feminine charm. The deal would be sealed, he’d have satisfied the burning that even now he could feel singing his loins, and he could get on with his life. It could have been so easy for him to just call out. All Flash Sentry had to do was notice him, and it would be enough. The prince could feel the sensation already, being pushed into like in his dreams, panting, gasping like a mare in heat as he pushed back on his master’s base, having sensual things whispered into his ears while the guard performed for him, using him like he was more a slave than royalty.

Dusk Shine had to exercise all of his control to push against the wall, letting the guard pass him at the other end of the hall. He wasn’t that kind of stallion, he kept telling himself. But this beast inside him, the thing that kept feeding him these carnal ideas, was getting louder. The sickness was taking control. How long would it be until he would be unable to resist it? To just lift his tail towards any stallion he set his eyes on, no matter who it was? Tears stained his vision at the thought. He’d come so close to losing control, to breaking composure and leaving his pride behind. He almost forgot who he was in the wake of the urges from his heart. What did this thing inside him want? Companionship? Or did it just want the sexual satisfaction and sensation of infinite shame that came with being dominated by a pony he didn’t even know? Either way one question remained. Why did he feel this way? And why did it all come back to Butterscotch? It had all started there, but why was he being affected in such a way? The two were only friends… so he kept telling himself.

Dusk Shine arrived to his study session with Solar Flare three minutes late and got an earful. His teacher was becoming less than amused by his truancy. The young scholar had to exercise all his will just to get to his normal chair in front of his teacher’s podium without bursting into tears. He was under enough emotional stress as it was, but Solar’s furious rebuke was enough to make him want to curl into a ball and disappear.

“I’ll have you know that Lune told me about how you could barely adjust your telescope today.” Solar Flare grated, unaware of his student’s distress. “If you do so badly in my lesson then I’m going to turn your room upside down and figure out just what has you so bothered myself. I wish that you showed as much enthusiasm for my lessons as you do for changeling reproductive habits.”

Dusk Shine looked at his teacher, confused. “How’d you know about me looking that up? I didn’t even check that book out.”

“The librarian came to me with the book you were reading, saying that you’ve been showing up in the library in the middle of the night and reading about the most heinous subjects possible. Is this what you’re so enamored with? Is this some sort of new fetish of yours?”

Upon hearing the word ‘fetish’ the stallion buried his head in his wing, shaking his head. “That’s not it.” He said, face on fire and the pressure behind his eyes building, tears at the floodgates.

“Then what? Do you plan on starting a breeding program between species?” Solar Flare continued, pulling over ten thick tomes from his shelf and throwing them down on his student’s desk. “I can count off the individual races here! Changelings, hippocampi, pegasi, earth ponies, unicorns, and as if to spit in my own face, draconequi, of all the senseless things. Are you curious about how Discord would couple with you if she ever escaped again? Because I can give you a firsthand account with sketches if you’d like!”

Dusk Shine got up, pushing his chair across the room, falling on its back into the carpet. That was too far. He stared up at the leader, feeling like he’d been kicked in the gut. What he’d just said was completely unfair and they both knew it. Nothing justified such a low blow. The student turned and left the room, unable to look at his teacher any longer. All he wanted now was a pony who would understand, who would tell him that this was alright. A phase that he was going through. But nopony was, so all he could do is think of it how it felt to him. A full-blown psychological affliction, one that would fester in his head until it consumed his personality and left him a husk of a pony, driven only by his needs.

“Dusk Shine-” Solar Flare started, but stopped, seeing that his student was gone.

Dusk Shine looked at his hooves, unable to see how much things were changing. How fast they were becoming a nightmare. He was beginning to wonder if he’d actually died during that terrible accident with the spell Solar had sent him, and that he’d been sentenced here as a sort of personal hell. Nothing here was fair, and nothing he did seemed to help him, only wade deeper into the viscous pool of madness that was becoming his imagination. He couldn’t think of anything to write as he sat in the back of Canterlot Library, nothing except the terrible lusts that kept shifting at the edges of his consciousness. He swore he heard whispering from behind him, promising rewards if he sought Cadenza out and seduced him before his wife returned home. Dusk Shine shook his head like a cat trying to whip at insects buzzing in its ears. These thoughts just wouldn’t go away.

Then there was the worst of them all. The thought of Butterscotch and him back at the library in Ponyville. He’d had seven dreams in a row that week that focused on just that moment. He’d relived that same span of time a thousand times and each time it had been the same, with him being a foal and turning away to go to bed without him. They had been an inch from one another and he hadn’t even bothered to ask if he was interested. He could have just… reached out with his magic and given him a signal, maybe put his hoof on his, or maybe even leaned over and given him a kiss on the cheek. He slammed his head down on the desk so hard the bookshelf in front of him rattled, the books shifting slightly. He knew his forehead was red as he leaned backwards, looking around to see if anypony had seen his immature display of pent-up stress.

There the mare that was the librarian, shaking her head at him again. He didn’t even bother; he just got up, pushed the chair in with a loud crack as the wood hit the desk, and walked in the opposite direction, further into the library. She looked stunned by his display, and stood for a long while watching him walk away. She knew that he was a disturbed young stallion, at least she could see that much. She watched him go, wondering what was so awful that such a lover of books would ever be upset in a place with so many.

Dusk Shine shook himself inside, deciding that he knew what he’d be looking up next. He would go to the medical handbooks and look up castration methods. Maybe then this would finally stop, if he threatened himself with eternal inadequacy towards every gender. For all he knew it might work, but he knew one thing that wasn’t changing. Everything came back to Butterscotch, and his inability to face him. He could fee this terrible vortex of nightmares now, and his shy friend was at the center of it all, driving him to seek out things from other stallions that he only wanted from him. The young pegasus was the real cause of his distress, and now that was fairly clear. In his dreams he always saw the eyes of Butterscotch staring back at him. In his hallucinations the pony that was looming over him in the depths of his passion always had wings, or flew. It made sense now. But it didn’t help him much. He still didn’t want to confront his feathered friend about his thoughts.

“Honestly, what am I going to say to him?” Dusk Shine asked himself. “’Hey Butterscotch, I just wondered if you’d use me like a personal sex slave for a few days so I can release a little stress. Is that okay with you? Okay, great, let’s go to my room where nopony can hear us screaming like animals.’”

“It might help.” The librarian said, looking down at him from a high shelf.

Dusk Shine nearly jumped out of his skin, looking up to see her perusing the shelves for a particular book on sexual psychology and how it affected one’s physiology. She clicked her tongue loudly as she found it, pulling it off the shelf and sliding down the ladder she was standing on, keeping her balance perfectly from years of experience.

“You should read this.” She said, pushing the book towards him with a hoof. “Your friend Butterscotch will understand, just try not to make it so straightforward as that… charming recital. And for the love of Solar Flare’s flank you’re just heartsick.” She rolled her eyes, turning away as he gave her a questioning look.

“That’s all it was the whole time?” He asked curiously, looking towards the librarian turned wise-mare. “That was why I was acting like a mare in heat? And having crazy daydreams?”

The librarian turned around and walked back to him, sighing like he was taking up too much of her time. “Look, unicorns in particular are very in tune to their emotions, and if they are emotionally distraught, the tiny amount of magic that’s constantly inside of you will make you begin to see things, based on the level of stress. Since you’re an alicorn, this is doubled. Plus, you really, really do like Butterscotch. He makes you feel like you belong, and that you’re important, a feeling you’ve hardly ever felt. Avoiding him just caused a great deal of tension for you, physically and psychologically. That… and you can’t deny you want him, in a way that only a mare does. There’s no shame in that.”

“So this whole time my emotions were making me see things…” Dusk Shine said to himself. “So wait, who are you again?”

When he looked up the librarian was gone. After looking around, he shook his head and turned to leave, thinking of how odd his life had become. He was taking advice from figments of his own imagination after all. He couldn’t help but think of what she’d said, thought. Maybe he should just come to terms with himself and let things play out… Butterscotch would probably understand.

With his mind set, he made his way towards the exit. He’d invite Butterscotch back to his library in Ponyville, and they’d have a quiet evening together, with tea and maybe a bit of book reading. Except this time, if Dusk Shine saw the opportunity, he’d ask, that way he wasn’t filled with regret. Even if the whole evening was a bust, he would have an answer to his question, and could move on with his life.

Sickness of the Body

Dusk Shine sat alone in his library, waiting nervously for Butterscotch. He couldn’t get the idea of running away out of his head. It wouldn’t be hard for him, since he could teleport anywhere he pleased. It wouldn’t look in the least bit suspicious if he made the excuse of having just visited his library for a bit and then left. Somehow, though, he managed to settle his nerves. This would all be okay if he just focused. Nothing could go wrong if he just calmed down and acted natural. Like he was back in his own library, as a unicorn, and him and Butterscotch were just spending the night together. Normal things that best friends do. Even though he was doing his best to calm down, his wings kept twitching and fluttering madly, like they could sense his stress and tension in his shoulders.

When a knock came at the door Dusk nearly fainted, but once his heartbeat wasn’t one-seventy over one-thirty he made his way to the door, the same door he’d opened a million times in his year in Ponyville. Somehow none of those times seemed quite as important as this one. Just as another polite, dainty knock sounded at the door Dusk Shine opened it, revealing a slightly damp Butterscotch. He was wearing a parka, but his wings weren’t covered, so they were soaked to the bone in rain. Wet wings were hard to deal with, as Dusk knew all too well, so he conjured a towel for his friend as he came in, hanging up his coat and accepting the offer with a smile. Dusk Shine nodded to himself; so far things were going great. He was in the front door, he was acting natural, and he’d just made his friend a little bit more comfortable right off the bat. This might actually go as planned.

Butterscotch shivered slightly in the cold library, walking further in. Dusk realized that he’d forgotten an extremely crucial detail. He lit the logs that were still in the fireplace with a spark of magic, apologizing to his friend. The pegasus understood, but the sudden divergence from schedule was reason to panic for the alicorn. He felt like he’d failed in a way. He wanted the evening to be perfect for the other stallion, that way when it came up to the time when he asked, it would all be much easier. He double-checked his layout of everything in the room as fast as he could, while Butterscotch got settled into a chair at the edge of the carpet, gazing into the fire a few feet away. Something in the setup of things here felt… vaguely familiar to him, like he’d been there before. A slight sense of déjà vu.

“Hey, Butterscotch?” Dusk Shine said, nervously drawing the other stallion’s attention. “I wanted to make you that special tea you made me that one evening a year ago… but I forgot how.”

It made him feel like a foal, not remembering something as simple as making tea when the alchemical formula for a sleeping draft was fresh in his memory. Butterscotch smiled at his host and got up, spreading his wings and stretching. Dusk Shine’s breath caught in this throat at the sight of him, in front of the fire in all his majestic pride, muscles extended and his perfectly preened wings outstretched. The alicorn rushed into the kitchen off the foyer, his face not allowing him to stay and walk with the pegasus. He was a bright red; nothing he’d ever seen could ever compare to how that image had affected him. If he was rejected he’d have to live with the memory of Butterscotch in that stance, his full glory cast in stark relief, a halo of fire surrounding him, for the rest of his life.

The other stallion trotted into the kitchen and began to explain how, thought it might seem simple, making this specific rare tea was rather difficult. He took out a large teakettle, filled it with water from the sink, and set it on the stove. That was the simple part.

“Now, the next part is the most important.” Butterscotch explained. “These tea leaves come in bags about the size of your hoof.” He elucidated, holding the silvery packaging for the leaves up so he could see. “The oil from your hooves and coat will ruin them, that’s when it’s very important that you put them in a bag as carefully as possible, and with magic if you can.”

He handed the bag to Dusk Shine, who fumbled with it using magic before he got a firm grip on the tab and pulled it slowly, until it opened and the smell of something resembling cinnamon and wildflowers filled the room.

“Okay, the next step is to put them in the bags.” The experienced stallion said, pulling them from the cupboards and laying them out so that Dusk Shine could use them. “When you pour the leaves in make sure not to spill them, since they’re expensive. I like to set a piece of paper under the bag, so that if I miss I can just use the paper to funnel the ones that missed in afterwards. Since you’re a prince now, I guess that shouldn’t matter much.”

Dusk Shine went about his work as his guest had described, wondering how this batch of tea would taste in the end. He did his best to focus on the tea, but somehow his eyes kept drifting their way back to Butterscotch, and how confidently he moved around in the kitchen. He had no idea how to cook; he ate out so much that it was practically all he knew. Yet his friend seemed to know exactly what he was doing, pulling some sugar from the cabinet and waving his wing, the air shutting the door for him. Dusk admired him, his comfort and natural flow as he moved, completely at ease with his surroundings. He examined the alicorn’s work as he paused, seeing he’d spilled some. The pegasus shrugged and blew it off the counters, using his wings to gust them into the wastebin.

“Okay then. The only thing we have to do is let it steep.” Butterscotch said once the tea was bagged and put in the kettle. “I hope that you’re okay with the leaves being in the tea. You just have to let the tea sit for a minute after you pour it, really. You… you did really well, Dusk.”

Dusk Shine but a flattered hoof behind his head. “I wasn’t nearly as good as you, Butterscotch. You told me what to do, anyways. I’m sure you could have done it just as well.”

The pegasus blushed and hid his face behind a wing, leaving only his eyes visible. “I’m g-glad that you think I did a good job.” He stuttered, turning to leave after a moment.

Dusk Shine caught himself trying to look at Butterscotch’s flanks as he walked out, but stopped himself. He was couldn’t afford to ruin things between them now, not when everything was going so well. He trotted after the stallion, thinking of how constructive that had been. They’d basically gotten the most of their work for the evening done, and within a ten-minute window. As he emerged into the living room he saw that his guest was again sitting in the chair a few feet from the fire, gazing into it as if it held the answers to some deep, life-altering question. He looked up at Dusk Shine, the expression on his face inscrutable. He looked like he was thinking, but the moment passed, and Butterscotch was again his happy, doe-eyed self.

“Something on your mind, Butterscotch?” Dusk Shine asked as he trotted over and sat down by the fire, perking his head to the side. “You look like something’s been bothering you.”

‘Is it the same thing that’s been bothering me?’ The alicorn thought to himself.

“I’m just worrying about Angel.” The pegasus replied, doleful, returning his gaze to the fire. “He keeps telling me that I’m unwell. That I can’t focus. I don’t see it, but all the animals have been noticing. I can only go off their word, and that sleep’s been hard to get these last few nights.”

“Same.” Dusk Shine said, nodding and staring into the flames. “My dreams are… terrible. Not in the normal way, either. Just that I feel… wrong when I wake up, like I shouldn’t have enjoyed what had happened in them. But I did… does that make any sense?”

Butterscotch looked at him, surprised. “I know exactly what you mean!” He exclaimed. “I get the same feelings when I wake up in the morning! And that’s only when I get sleep at all... so… do your dreams make you feel less than yourself? I get so ashamed when I recall one. It’s disgusting that I let things like that happen in my head… but on some level I liked it. Some extremely deep level I never want to stoop to.”

Dusk Shine nearly jumped up and ran over to him right then, but he knew enough about patience to figure that the shy pegasus would be put off by his outburst. Instead he perked his ears as the teakettle whistled in the distance. He was about to get up to pour their drinks, but he saw that Butterscotch was already halfway to the kitchen, so he let himself relax. Instead, he pulled a few blankets he’d been stashing under the stairs out and levitated them over, draping one over himself. When his feathered friend returned with two large cups of tea he gestured to the space on the carpet beside him, smiling comfortingly. The pegasus hesitantly put their drinks down and settled next to Dusk Shine, thinking of how strange it felt to be so close.

Butterscotch almost yelped with surprise as he felt the blanket drape over him, enveloping both of them in a sheet of warm wool. Dusk Shine pulled his drink over to him with magic and took a sip, making a small noise through his mouthful of tea.

“Mmhm.” He mumbled, nodding. “That… was amazing.” He complimented once he’d swallowed. “I don’t think I’ve ever tasted any tea that good before.”

“I think you have, once before.” Butterscotch said, having pieced the whole scenario together. “This is the exact time when you were a unicorn, with both of us in just the same place. The same blanket, the same tea, the same… everything.”

“Well.” Dusk Shine confessed. “I wanted to make the moment perfect, but Elusive checked out the book we read that night, and she has yet to return it.”

Butterscotch chuckled absentmindedly. That did sound like something Elusive would to.

“So what did you invite me here for, if not nostalgia?” The pegasus asked.

“Do you remember how I talked about my nightmares earlier?” Dusk Shine explained, taking a sip of his tea as he let his friend recall. “That all started on this day, last year. When I left this room to go upstairs and go to bed, leaving you down here by yourself.”

“Yeah, I remember that you were… oh.” It suddenly dawned on Butterscotch. That particular night, as Dusk had been wishing him sweet dreams, he had caught a glimpse of his face. He’d been crying. Not bawling, but clearly distraught about something. “That’s when my nightmares started too.” He confessed, piecing things together for himself.

“Ever since that night, this moment has been haunting me.” The prince sighed, setting his cup down. “This one thing has been bothering me in my dreams for I don’t know how long. These last few weeks it got… unbearable. So I came here. I wanted to talk to you about it. About why this place has been tearing me apart.”

Butterscotch didn’t need to hear anymore. He knew what his dreams had been. Him, but in situations with stallions that he abhorred, but for some reason he was in the most lewd scenarios. He didn’t need to be told that Dusk Shine’s dreams had been similar. This had all started a year ago; and looking back, his dreams all had on repeating theme. Under him, during every nightmare, was a pair of purple, amethyst eyes. The pony had always possessed a horn, and since three weeks ago, had a pair of wings as well. It suddenly made sense. His carnal fantasies were all centered around Dusk Shine.

“So… why you invited me here was to-”

“Yes. I wanted to ask you if you wanted to tell me something. Did I do the wrong thing when I walked away that night?” Dusk Shine asked, turning from the fire to look into the pegasi’s glittering emerald eyes. “I need to know if you were expecting something else from me that night.”

Butterscotch set his hoof on the other stallion’s, looking from his hoof back to Dusk’s face. He didn’t even know how to tell him how much it had stung him when he’d walked away. Somehow, though, this more than made up for that. He leaned closer to him, as close to his ear as he could manage, his breath brushing the other stallion’s mane.

“I wanted to ask you.” He whispered, his voice cracking slightly. “If it would have been alright. If you’d thought ill of me, for wanting you. The way that a stallion wants a mare. The way a dragon covets gems, or a starving pony craves grass and running water.”

Dusk Shine blushed vividly and move away from the stallion, his eyes wide. “I wanted to tell you the same thing. I want you like a mare in heat wants her stallion to comfort the burning inside her. You… always struck me as more than a friend. You always looked at me like I was the center of your world. I liked that… and it made me feel good for once. I don’t very often get to feel important to anypony, so… you make me feel kind of special in all those ways.”

Butterscotch pushed his hoof to his stallion’s lips, signaling that he didn’t need to talk anymore. He just nodded and leaned forward, closing his eyes as he braced for the kiss that he’d been waiting an entire year for. Dusk Shine barely prepared before he met the pegasus, his eyes still wide open. It didn’t take long for him to sink into his lavish lips, though. He felt a small bite on is bottom lip as Butterscotch slipped it into his own mouth, flicking his tongue across it to tease him. The moment that he opened his lips to protest the stallion pushed himself against his chest, signaling that he wasn’t quite done. The only thing that Dusk Shine could do, with neither of them having any experience, was to let the pegasus play with his tongue, slipping his own between his lips with a small moan.

After a few moments he fell into the pattern of letting Butterscotch kiss him, invading his mouth with his tongue while he made small noises, like an unsure mouse trying to decide what he should do. The pegasus didn’t leave much for him to do, since he was the one showering him with affection. Not a single second had passed since he’d gotten that feeling before Butterscotch pushed himself against his side, his wings opening to throw the blanket off of them. Dusk gasped as he felt a thick rope of an organ on his hip. It was throbbing, and already out of its sheathe, pulsing with every beat of the pegasi’s racing heart. It was unbelievable how fast Butterscotch had become excited by him. He made a rather loud, feminine noise as the older stallion stood over him, his member’s head lying on the base of his back.

“Am I going too fast?” Butterscotch whispered into his ear, hoping he wasn’t being too exuberant for his partner. “I can slow down if you want.”

“Just…” Dusk panted, his wings opening. “At least let me see you first.”

No sooner had the words parted his lips was he rolled over by the stronger stallion, and he was feasting his eyes on the proud member that was resting against his own stomach. He took a sharp inhale as he committed the sight to memory. Butterscotch was a big stallion, not in frame but when it came to his sex he had more than enough to suit Dusk’s needs. It was bright pink, glistening, filling the air with the unmistakable musk of arousal. The crown of his head was already flaring with excitement as the alicorn unsheathed himself. He nearly bit his bottom lip off as he noticed how outsized he was. It was easily three inches longer than his, and about an inch thicker. He could only look at his own shiny lilac member and think of how it was a good thing that he was the one being mounted, not the other way around. Butterscotch set his legs to his sides and lowered himself down onto him, bringing himself to a rest against his lover’s own most precious asset. He ran his soft, delicate hoof down his own length before he used it to tease the cleft of Dusk’s head, smiling contentedly as the crown flared in a brilliant lilac bloom of petite, sensitive flesh. The alicorn heard a high-pitched moan escape his lips while his lover teased him, unable to resist his touch.

Deciding that he didn’t want to be too mean, Butterscotch traced his hooves all the way up his length and lingered on the head, leaning down and touching his tongue to the purple bloom with a flutter of his lips. A tiny stream of pre fled down the alicorn’s tip, running down his cleft while the pegasus admired his sensitivity. It was like the slightest touch was enough to make him go off if he wasn’t too careful. Smiling, Butterscotch turned his stallion back over and leaned down close to him, prodding his head underneath Dusk’s flanks. The submissive stallion gasped like a filly and lifted his tail, revealing a perfectly shaped ring to the pegasus. He smiled and pressed his tip to the outer ring of his stallion’s second sex, sighing as he felt the walls of his lover already clenching with anticipation. He ran his length down his loins, sighing and letting a small burst of pre soak his lover’s entrance.

“I don’t know if I’m saying this too soon or too late.” Butterscotch breathed, his breathe hot on the back of Dusk Shine’s neck. “I… I think I might love you. I’m not sure, but I know that you make me feel… like an animal. Like a real stallion, and you’re a mare in heat. I’m just here to relieve you…”

With that Butterscotch pushes himself into his lover. Dusk Shine let out a mareish scream as his walls adjusted to his enormous length filling him, consumed with the masochistic pleasure flooding his loins. The dominant stallion moaned as his member sat inside him, his walls clenching down on his organ for the first time. It felt like he was pulling him in farther, like he still wanted more somehow. His inner ring spasmed against the base of his shaft, pulling him in until his sack rubbed against his sub’s. His breath came in ragged gasps, loving how his head was crushed against Dusk’s prostate, making every little flex of his sex force an effeminate scream from the stallion beneath him. After he’d sat there for a few moments he began to pull out of Dusk, only to meet the most stimulating sensation he’d ever experienced. He groaned lovingly, the suction of his lover’s walls not wanting to relinquish his shaft. He felt like he was one the verge of coming by the time his head was flaring against his inner ring.

“You’ve… got… to slow… down.” Butterscotch panted, unable to continue with how tightly his friend was gripping him. “I’m.. going to go off… if you don’t let me… thrust.”

The moment he felt his lover release his member a bit he tried to push in again. The moment the tip touched his prostrate Dusk Shine opened his legs wider, his member twitching and leaking a small stream of seed. His mouth was open in a silent scream, unable to vocalize his pleasure without waking the neighbors. He was getting impatient; he wanted to be rutted, hard. He pulled himself off his friend, taking the incentive to set his own pace. He clenched his walls, loving he suction he felt in his secondary sex as his lover’s member drug down his walls, sliding like rubber against his well-lubricated rings. He moaned and pushed back against him, pushing the tip farther into him then it had ever gone before. Butterscotch gasped and came slightly, grabbing his lover’s waist. He could see that his wasn’t going to be a very long session between them, but they had all night, and both of them wanted this right now.

He began to slide into him at a frenzied pace, timing their pushes against each other to that their loins met with a satisfying slap. Soon they were reduced to gasping and panting like animals, with Dusk Shine occasionally unable to contain an ear-piercing wail of ecstasy. After a while Butterscotch was feeling his seed welling into his shaft, a familiar warmth growing in his sack as it rubbed against Dusk’s own.

The dominate stallion twisted himself on his side and seized ahold of his lover’s flanks, turning him on his side so he could push into him even deeper, with more of an angle on his penetration. The subbing stallion screamed like a filly at the sheer friction on his prostate. Finally, it was too much, and he came a jet of seed onto the carpet, feeling his lover likewise cumming. Butterscotch pushed himself into his lover one last time, releasing his seed into him, filling him even more than before, so deep inside Dusk that he could feel his member in his lower stomach. His head crowned inside him and released. He sighed and slid out of the stallion, a stream of seed leaking out of Dusk Shine’s sex and dripping down his flanks.

“I… love you.” Both of them said unison.

Butterscotch laid down next to Dusk and kissed him, closing his eyes. Neither of them had the will to clean up the mess, and neither of them wanted to move after such an intense orgasm. The last thing the two did before they fell asleep was tangle themselves together, pressing themselves against each other and twining their arms together. The fire began to burn low as the two drifted off, getting the best sleep they’d had in an entire year. Butterscotch put his wings over Dusk Shine, whispering the same three words into his lover’s ear until he was asleep.

“I love you.”